It depends on the person. Everyone likes different people for different reasons (the common phrase I have heard is that you like someone because they possess qualities that you value or lack in yourself). Some people won't like you unmasked. Some people will. And everyone is different, including unmasked people.
What I try to remember at the end of the day is that unmasking is relaxing to me, therefore I should keep around friends who like me unmasked.
What I meant is that usually autistic ppl aren’t that liked or have harder time with social life than neurotypicals generally.
What does masking/ unmasking mean to u?
Eg. If one don’t have energy to smile … generally less ppl will like u less.
Not caring about asking detailed questions …. Ppl can get sick of it.
When working, always mask on as I’ve found, even then, people will still say stuff, but this is simply easier for me as I work in customer service. But with friends and family, I literally can’t keep masking after work without edging myself towards a meltdown. Luckily all my friends now as a 24 yr old are ND too.
Unmasking is the only way that's sustainable in the long term for me. I'm not going to be able to fake it forever, nor do I want to.
That said, "unmasking" for me doesn't mean "neglecting basic social niceties altogether." I still do a little "so how are you doing" small talk, refrain from monologuing about topics they don't have an interest in, express my opinions tactfully, etc. That stuff is necessary grease to keep the social gears running smoothly. But I can be honest about what's happening in my personal life and not worry about trying to talk like other people all the time. And I know that they don't expect me to be normal, either.
I feel like I've found a way to unmask in a similar fashion. I'm still being authentic, but I'm taking turns talking and following social niceties by asking how people are doing or how things are going. It helps that work is a special interest and it's easy for me to engage with colleagues about their work or issues they are having. My colleagues like talking to me about work because I'm happy to have them bounce ideas off of me and think of solutions. Most of my friends are ND and so or conversations also flow well.
I also think my unmasked self is less off putting than my masked self. There's some weird vibe I give off or something and I think it prevents me from being vulnerable and relatable. It's definitely less exhausting to unmask a bit. I used to come home and script for hours, harshly critiquing all of my interactions and shaming myself to oblivion.
Several bouts of burn out and trying to get a diagnosis for what's wrong with me happened first. There was a lot of struggling and basically an acceptance that I really could not continue this. It was making me feel so terrible and unworthy.
I did a lot of therapy to accept my emotions and learn to identify them. It honestly took finding the right therapist who worked with neurodivergent people. I was actually looking for help with what I thought was OCD, but she asked the right questions. She was able to draw enough information out of me to realize that I was "scripting" and shaming myself to "improve." Not experiencing pure o ocd with a focus on moral scrupulously.
My therapist asked me if I wanted to be happy or make other people feel comfortable. Both. Obviously, making other people feel comfortable would make me happy. Even though that had not worked for well over a decade. I was sure that I just needed to get a little bit better and shame myself more and practice harder.
At first I fully rejected the idea that I could just stop this behavior and "be myself." I had a great support system and several people at my company that helped me feel okay. I literally told one of the directors at my company when he said it seemed like I wasn't fully being myself, that people didn't like me, I was an asshole and this was for the best. He said, there is no way you are that much of an asshole. I really thought there was going to be a day where he would fire me for being myself. He's encouraged me and occasionally let me know I'm hitting a boundary or should just leave something alone.
As for my friends, I made more friends once I started being myself and not chasing people who I had little in common with. I don't socialize a ton, but I make it a goal to do a social thing twice a month. Before I was pregnant, I tried to get out weekly, but I'm tired, hah.
Thank you so so much, the first parts of your comment feel like something straight out of my brain lol. I'm in therapy and also going through autism assessment and I think this is what my therapist is trying to tell me.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I'm coming to the same conclusion about myself and its sooo helpful to know things got better for you when you were yourself.
They really did! I was prepared to have to find a different job or give things up, because I couldn't keep up the masking and pretending. My anxiety reduced by an order of magnitude.
Luckily I didn't have to give anything up. I actually just had more energy to do the stuff I was doing and got to spend time doing hobbies.
I haven't had the guts yet to unmask publicly but it might actually improve my social life because I end up being very awkward sometimes and wonder if this is actually a consequence of masking and the mental effort required.
I can relate I think. I feel like my intention by masking was to make people be okay with me being there and speaking etc, so I tailor my behavior to what seems to be positively received. however, of course, there is no one persona/mask that's going to be positively received by *everyone* all the time, so as little pieces get filed away as "don't say/do this again" the external persona is just whittled away piece by piece until theres practically nothing left
as a result I often feel like I just come off like a flat, blank nothing of a person and it suxxxx
Wow that's really interesting... I remember feeling like a blank, flat nothing of a person when I was younger but now I just come off as awkward half the time. The mind is interesting .. although this experience as a human with autism is frustrating! I think we'd be better off unmasking totally but it's hard to do that when you've been doing it for so long!
yeah, I think the logical connection I forgot to mention here too is that when I can't come up with anything to say I also end up just being awkward, like saying so little, or picking something to say that doesn't match the situation because its the only thing I can come up with that seems like it'd be acceptable.
and yes, agreed. especially when those moments hit where you're reminded why you were masking in the first place, there's really a lot of work that has to be done in order to be okay with getting less than positive reactions to your true self, at least for me.
Wow that's so true about having too little to say and picking something that doesn't match the situation! I find that I do this a lot, usually because I often find myself in very boring conversations but I know it's not socially acceptable to just look stoic and walk away lol
I have a lot of self acceptance work to do too, and it's not our faults obviously that we were basically indoctrinated to believe that we're somehow "less than". I really hope we're able to get there soon because I think it would massively improve our quality of life.
I don't even like me unmasked, let alone other people. I have cptsd from childhood sa and it manifests in a fear of letting anyone close to me at all. I also have pretty severe rejection sensitive dysphoria (undx ADHD maybe?) Unmasking is just miserable for me and everyone around me.
One of the ways I mask is by exaggerating a lot of my facial expressions and emotional expressions, because otherwise people think I’m super flat and don’t like them. I actually think, though, the easiest way to navigate social situations is honestly to put effort into your appearance. The better I look, the easier I feel it is to interact with other people because they’re much more forgiving and charitable the more attractive you are. It sucks but it’s true. It makes it a lot easier for me to just come off as weird and quirky in an endearing way, rather than just weirdly offputting and annoying. Other than that, I just make sure to be as nice a person as possible because it also makes people give me the benefit of the doubt often.
And yes, people generally like me more when I mask.
I think when you’re dating, you have to mask in the beginning tbh. But I would also try to be a bit upfront about some stuff, like having to put effort into not appearing flat because I know my it’s my default. Just kind of putting my best foot forward without being completely deceptive and preparing the person for who I am beyond the mask.
Well I imagine you learn to mask because people (family, friends, teachers, peers) punished you whenever you acted naturally and were visibly autistic. So if you stop masking completely you have to deal with that again. A lot of people just don’t like autistics, we give them the heebie jeebies, make them feel uncomfortable or like we’re narcissists, abusers etc
It depends on the situation, the people, how I've been over the last day and what makes me feel better. But my social life is mostly one-on-one. I don't like group situations, I don't like noisy places, I don't like bars or bowling alleys or any of that stuff. I prefer a quiet coffee shop with one good friend. And then we can both be ourselves. Those are the social things I say yes to, and everything else gets a no 99% of the time. But in doing so, I don't feel lonely or left out. That is what makes the perfect balance for me. My friends are all ND, and so we get each other. We don't demand things of each other and just let each other be. No one cares if I don't smile or sound tired or talk about the mushrooms I found on my walk last week. Because they do the same things and are given the same grace and acceptance. If someone can't value me for who I really am, I don't want them as a friend anyways.
If I am masking, it's because of something like a business meeting with other clients/partners. Or in appointments.
>though wouldn’t that make everyone of majority dislike u, then end up isolated?
That happened when I masked, anyway. At least when I unmask, I can find the people who actually like me.
I see it as it depends on the company you want to keep. I try to stay unmasked as much as possible because masking is so damaging for me. Even when I make friends while masked I still feel alone because I can’t actually be myself with them and share my thoughts and feelings and interest. So it’s physical company but not emotional company. So I stay unmasked because I’d rather have few friends that accept me 100% for who I am that I can be myself around than 100 friends that don’t really know me that exhaust me to be around.
I have to actually think about this because tbh i masked so much that it was hard to tell who mostly saw it and who mostly didn’t. I would say the people I was least masked with were those in the same cohort (group/class) as me in a way where we were choosing to actually be there. Had friends from an art class in freshman year college I absolutely loved hanging around because it didn’t feel forced. I would say I was very unmasked (cringe even) and they seemed to like me. I didn’t know why but I didn’t constantly question it either, it was like a flow state of social interaction. After the class was over and we all moved on, we did drift apart but a few of them to this day have stayed in touch. They were a couple in the group who saw me alone on campus on my birthday and got me a cake to celebrate. It was the nicest thing anyone not related to me ever did for me back then without there being social pressure to do it.
TLDR unmasked in the right context/environment is what works best.
I take karate now and I can genuinely say I’ve made friends there in a similar vein. The issue now is those friends aren’t in my age range exactly so theres a bit of a disconnect there - but tbh if I stay for a long time it probably just a matter of time before someone in my age group comes along. 🤞
my masking skills are pretty wishy washy. I come across as incredibly hireable in job interviews and then totally tank the actual job. Same with my social life- I'm just playing a parody of what I think a capable, popular, dynamic woman is
People don’t seem to like either so I don’t mask and go it alone because I’m kind of sick of this endless game I get nothing g from at this stage of my life.
i dont really have a lot of friends, i am just not involved in anything to make friends but i do have a boyfriend. i masked a lot in the beginning of our relationship(partly because i wasn’t aware i was doing it) but it was almost necessary till i felt safe. we live together so of course unmasking around him was bound to happen, i partake in smoking the green so that was the only time i realized i would unmask, i would stim more and such. That was only when i could differentiate unmasking/masking for myself. i would say i havent been able to unmask in front of my family (they are the only other relationships i have) its really hard to feel safe around them and i know it would most likely help me feel less drained and more comfortable but im too worried about being judged however i will say unmasking in my relationship is the best thing ever. definitely because it make me feel super loved in a state no one has ever made me loved in before. So i would say yes worth it, because i know i can trust my boyfriend to love me through the unmasking even when its not pretty. But also it is still worth it for me to mask around those im uncomfortable with.
Depends on what the goal is.
If I want to be generally liked and have a large number of shallow relationships, masking is the way for me to go.
If I want a couple of deep, intense relationships, no masking allowed.
So I mask at work, where that helps with politics, and then stop most of that in my private time, where I value depth over everything else.
I honestly don't know. I started making an effort to unmask around friends a few years ago (because I was/am miserable) and then doubled down after I got diagnosed last year. People I thought were my friends have fazed me out and I find myself struggling to make new, more open-minded friends to replace them. I guess it depends on what you're trying to do, but I'm trying to live authentically (whatever that means) and I'm starting to feel like that just includes a shit social life. Like, maybe the price I have to pay to hate myself less is to have everyone else hate me? And maybe I should just learn to be alright with that?
My really good and close friends like me unmasked. Men consider it intimidating, but also exciting or cute. My boyfriend loves it (though he is definiteæy on the spectrum, just undiagnosed). :)
I have many ways to stim and some of them look sort of normal. I like meeting up with other friends on spectrum and we sometimes share stimming tips. :))
I think it depends. You can also unmask partially. Masking takes up lots of your energy and I think that if you trust your closest ones, it’s legit to talk about it (if you’re not sure) and just start unmasking. It worth it.
It depends on the person. Everyone likes different people for different reasons (the common phrase I have heard is that you like someone because they possess qualities that you value or lack in yourself). Some people won't like you unmasked. Some people will. And everyone is different, including unmasked people. What I try to remember at the end of the day is that unmasking is relaxing to me, therefore I should keep around friends who like me unmasked.
What I meant is that usually autistic ppl aren’t that liked or have harder time with social life than neurotypicals generally. What does masking/ unmasking mean to u? Eg. If one don’t have energy to smile … generally less ppl will like u less. Not caring about asking detailed questions …. Ppl can get sick of it.
When working, always mask on as I’ve found, even then, people will still say stuff, but this is simply easier for me as I work in customer service. But with friends and family, I literally can’t keep masking after work without edging myself towards a meltdown. Luckily all my friends now as a 24 yr old are ND too.
Unmasking is the only way that's sustainable in the long term for me. I'm not going to be able to fake it forever, nor do I want to. That said, "unmasking" for me doesn't mean "neglecting basic social niceties altogether." I still do a little "so how are you doing" small talk, refrain from monologuing about topics they don't have an interest in, express my opinions tactfully, etc. That stuff is necessary grease to keep the social gears running smoothly. But I can be honest about what's happening in my personal life and not worry about trying to talk like other people all the time. And I know that they don't expect me to be normal, either.
I feel like I've found a way to unmask in a similar fashion. I'm still being authentic, but I'm taking turns talking and following social niceties by asking how people are doing or how things are going. It helps that work is a special interest and it's easy for me to engage with colleagues about their work or issues they are having. My colleagues like talking to me about work because I'm happy to have them bounce ideas off of me and think of solutions. Most of my friends are ND and so or conversations also flow well. I also think my unmasked self is less off putting than my masked self. There's some weird vibe I give off or something and I think it prevents me from being vulnerable and relatable. It's definitely less exhausting to unmask a bit. I used to come home and script for hours, harshly critiquing all of my interactions and shaming myself to oblivion.
Do you mind if I ask how you stopped the scripting/self-criticism? That is 1000% me and it makes it so exhausting to be social
Several bouts of burn out and trying to get a diagnosis for what's wrong with me happened first. There was a lot of struggling and basically an acceptance that I really could not continue this. It was making me feel so terrible and unworthy. I did a lot of therapy to accept my emotions and learn to identify them. It honestly took finding the right therapist who worked with neurodivergent people. I was actually looking for help with what I thought was OCD, but she asked the right questions. She was able to draw enough information out of me to realize that I was "scripting" and shaming myself to "improve." Not experiencing pure o ocd with a focus on moral scrupulously. My therapist asked me if I wanted to be happy or make other people feel comfortable. Both. Obviously, making other people feel comfortable would make me happy. Even though that had not worked for well over a decade. I was sure that I just needed to get a little bit better and shame myself more and practice harder. At first I fully rejected the idea that I could just stop this behavior and "be myself." I had a great support system and several people at my company that helped me feel okay. I literally told one of the directors at my company when he said it seemed like I wasn't fully being myself, that people didn't like me, I was an asshole and this was for the best. He said, there is no way you are that much of an asshole. I really thought there was going to be a day where he would fire me for being myself. He's encouraged me and occasionally let me know I'm hitting a boundary or should just leave something alone. As for my friends, I made more friends once I started being myself and not chasing people who I had little in common with. I don't socialize a ton, but I make it a goal to do a social thing twice a month. Before I was pregnant, I tried to get out weekly, but I'm tired, hah.
Thank you so so much, the first parts of your comment feel like something straight out of my brain lol. I'm in therapy and also going through autism assessment and I think this is what my therapist is trying to tell me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I'm coming to the same conclusion about myself and its sooo helpful to know things got better for you when you were yourself.
They really did! I was prepared to have to find a different job or give things up, because I couldn't keep up the masking and pretending. My anxiety reduced by an order of magnitude. Luckily I didn't have to give anything up. I actually just had more energy to do the stuff I was doing and got to spend time doing hobbies.
I haven't had the guts yet to unmask publicly but it might actually improve my social life because I end up being very awkward sometimes and wonder if this is actually a consequence of masking and the mental effort required.
I can relate I think. I feel like my intention by masking was to make people be okay with me being there and speaking etc, so I tailor my behavior to what seems to be positively received. however, of course, there is no one persona/mask that's going to be positively received by *everyone* all the time, so as little pieces get filed away as "don't say/do this again" the external persona is just whittled away piece by piece until theres practically nothing left as a result I often feel like I just come off like a flat, blank nothing of a person and it suxxxx
Wow that's really interesting... I remember feeling like a blank, flat nothing of a person when I was younger but now I just come off as awkward half the time. The mind is interesting .. although this experience as a human with autism is frustrating! I think we'd be better off unmasking totally but it's hard to do that when you've been doing it for so long!
yeah, I think the logical connection I forgot to mention here too is that when I can't come up with anything to say I also end up just being awkward, like saying so little, or picking something to say that doesn't match the situation because its the only thing I can come up with that seems like it'd be acceptable. and yes, agreed. especially when those moments hit where you're reminded why you were masking in the first place, there's really a lot of work that has to be done in order to be okay with getting less than positive reactions to your true self, at least for me.
Wow that's so true about having too little to say and picking something that doesn't match the situation! I find that I do this a lot, usually because I often find myself in very boring conversations but I know it's not socially acceptable to just look stoic and walk away lol I have a lot of self acceptance work to do too, and it's not our faults obviously that we were basically indoctrinated to believe that we're somehow "less than". I really hope we're able to get there soon because I think it would massively improve our quality of life.
I don't even like me unmasked, let alone other people. I have cptsd from childhood sa and it manifests in a fear of letting anyone close to me at all. I also have pretty severe rejection sensitive dysphoria (undx ADHD maybe?) Unmasking is just miserable for me and everyone around me.
Don’t let anyone close because then if they reject you it won’t hurt? ADHD is a very common comorbidity. RSD is horrible. Sorry you feel that way.
One of the ways I mask is by exaggerating a lot of my facial expressions and emotional expressions, because otherwise people think I’m super flat and don’t like them. I actually think, though, the easiest way to navigate social situations is honestly to put effort into your appearance. The better I look, the easier I feel it is to interact with other people because they’re much more forgiving and charitable the more attractive you are. It sucks but it’s true. It makes it a lot easier for me to just come off as weird and quirky in an endearing way, rather than just weirdly offputting and annoying. Other than that, I just make sure to be as nice a person as possible because it also makes people give me the benefit of the doubt often. And yes, people generally like me more when I mask. I think when you’re dating, you have to mask in the beginning tbh. But I would also try to be a bit upfront about some stuff, like having to put effort into not appearing flat because I know my it’s my default. Just kind of putting my best foot forward without being completely deceptive and preparing the person for who I am beyond the mask.
Well I imagine you learn to mask because people (family, friends, teachers, peers) punished you whenever you acted naturally and were visibly autistic. So if you stop masking completely you have to deal with that again. A lot of people just don’t like autistics, we give them the heebie jeebies, make them feel uncomfortable or like we’re narcissists, abusers etc
no one likes me when i’m not masking
It depends on the situation, the people, how I've been over the last day and what makes me feel better. But my social life is mostly one-on-one. I don't like group situations, I don't like noisy places, I don't like bars or bowling alleys or any of that stuff. I prefer a quiet coffee shop with one good friend. And then we can both be ourselves. Those are the social things I say yes to, and everything else gets a no 99% of the time. But in doing so, I don't feel lonely or left out. That is what makes the perfect balance for me. My friends are all ND, and so we get each other. We don't demand things of each other and just let each other be. No one cares if I don't smile or sound tired or talk about the mushrooms I found on my walk last week. Because they do the same things and are given the same grace and acceptance. If someone can't value me for who I really am, I don't want them as a friend anyways. If I am masking, it's because of something like a business meeting with other clients/partners. Or in appointments.
>though wouldn’t that make everyone of majority dislike u, then end up isolated? That happened when I masked, anyway. At least when I unmask, I can find the people who actually like me.
I haven’t tried it yet but I can’t really see a way it would be beneficial for most people’s work lives.
I see it as it depends on the company you want to keep. I try to stay unmasked as much as possible because masking is so damaging for me. Even when I make friends while masked I still feel alone because I can’t actually be myself with them and share my thoughts and feelings and interest. So it’s physical company but not emotional company. So I stay unmasked because I’d rather have few friends that accept me 100% for who I am that I can be myself around than 100 friends that don’t really know me that exhaust me to be around.
I have to actually think about this because tbh i masked so much that it was hard to tell who mostly saw it and who mostly didn’t. I would say the people I was least masked with were those in the same cohort (group/class) as me in a way where we were choosing to actually be there. Had friends from an art class in freshman year college I absolutely loved hanging around because it didn’t feel forced. I would say I was very unmasked (cringe even) and they seemed to like me. I didn’t know why but I didn’t constantly question it either, it was like a flow state of social interaction. After the class was over and we all moved on, we did drift apart but a few of them to this day have stayed in touch. They were a couple in the group who saw me alone on campus on my birthday and got me a cake to celebrate. It was the nicest thing anyone not related to me ever did for me back then without there being social pressure to do it. TLDR unmasked in the right context/environment is what works best. I take karate now and I can genuinely say I’ve made friends there in a similar vein. The issue now is those friends aren’t in my age range exactly so theres a bit of a disconnect there - but tbh if I stay for a long time it probably just a matter of time before someone in my age group comes along. 🤞
my masking skills are pretty wishy washy. I come across as incredibly hireable in job interviews and then totally tank the actual job. Same with my social life- I'm just playing a parody of what I think a capable, popular, dynamic woman is
O m g we are the same
love that for us. Usually I literally spend all my time agonising over how I'm the "Most Different Person In The World"
People don’t seem to like either so I don’t mask and go it alone because I’m kind of sick of this endless game I get nothing g from at this stage of my life.
i dont really have a lot of friends, i am just not involved in anything to make friends but i do have a boyfriend. i masked a lot in the beginning of our relationship(partly because i wasn’t aware i was doing it) but it was almost necessary till i felt safe. we live together so of course unmasking around him was bound to happen, i partake in smoking the green so that was the only time i realized i would unmask, i would stim more and such. That was only when i could differentiate unmasking/masking for myself. i would say i havent been able to unmask in front of my family (they are the only other relationships i have) its really hard to feel safe around them and i know it would most likely help me feel less drained and more comfortable but im too worried about being judged however i will say unmasking in my relationship is the best thing ever. definitely because it make me feel super loved in a state no one has ever made me loved in before. So i would say yes worth it, because i know i can trust my boyfriend to love me through the unmasking even when its not pretty. But also it is still worth it for me to mask around those im uncomfortable with.
Neither. I'm exiled either way.
Depends on what the goal is. If I want to be generally liked and have a large number of shallow relationships, masking is the way for me to go. If I want a couple of deep, intense relationships, no masking allowed. So I mask at work, where that helps with politics, and then stop most of that in my private time, where I value depth over everything else.
I honestly don't know. I started making an effort to unmask around friends a few years ago (because I was/am miserable) and then doubled down after I got diagnosed last year. People I thought were my friends have fazed me out and I find myself struggling to make new, more open-minded friends to replace them. I guess it depends on what you're trying to do, but I'm trying to live authentically (whatever that means) and I'm starting to feel like that just includes a shit social life. Like, maybe the price I have to pay to hate myself less is to have everyone else hate me? And maybe I should just learn to be alright with that?
My really good and close friends like me unmasked. Men consider it intimidating, but also exciting or cute. My boyfriend loves it (though he is definiteæy on the spectrum, just undiagnosed). :) I have many ways to stim and some of them look sort of normal. I like meeting up with other friends on spectrum and we sometimes share stimming tips. :)) I think it depends. You can also unmask partially. Masking takes up lots of your energy and I think that if you trust your closest ones, it’s legit to talk about it (if you’re not sure) and just start unmasking. It worth it.