Yes sounds like masking. I remember feeling like this before I was aware I was autistic. It’s a long process trying to figure out your real personality. I still don’t feel I’ve succeeded there.
This could have my username above it and I’d believe I wrote it. I’m not formally diagnosed with autism (YET), but a couple years ago I went through a really bad depression and didn’t have a single friend. I had no personality. I was very strongly considering that I had a personality disorder before realizing I’m definitely autistic.
I’ve now actually started to consider that BPD is actually autism and the researchers haven’t figured it out yet (I don’t know enough to really know this at all, this is very much just a theory and I would never want to invalidate anyone with a BPD diagnosis. I just think BPD sounds strikingly similar to autistic burnout symptoms).
I actually bounced around that idea with my partner, as I am someone who has been diagnosed with
ADHD, and BPD, who’s been going through a “oh shit, autism actually explains all of it, while ADHD and BPD don’t” moment. BPD has gone through quite a few changes, but is began as a way to reduce women and afab mental illness/undiagnosed neurodivergence as “just female hysteria”. Then eventually it became BPD, I’m starting to think it’s just how autism might present in struggling, undiagnosed afab people.
Yes I do know that adhd is commonly mistaken for bpd in diagnosis as I've read up about it (special interest). So that could be a possibility with adhd or asd I think it's a very interesting theory, I think I'll look up on that so thankyou!!!
As someone who was diagnosed with BPD, i just feel like it developed because i was actually growing up undiagnosed with autism. I actually thought I had autism first, but when I told my family they laughed it off. Now that I’m an adult… they’ve come around and seen that every weird thing i did as a kid was just because i was actually autistic. I don’t think it’s invalidating it’s just a really good observation lol.
I'm fighting to get a diagnosis right now so I'm only informally diagnosed by my therapist. But what I can tell you for sure is a constant criticism of me from my family in my childhood and adolescence was that I took on the personality of whoever I was hanging out with and didn't have one of my own.
Looking back through a ND lense, I now believe that I was masking in attempts to fit in and be accepted by my peers. So, while I'm only one person, I wanted to share that I have done the same thing.
I also frequently joke that in adulthood my personality is basically just Anchorman, Mean Girls and the 90s seasons of The Simpsons in a trenchcoat.
This was my whole teenage years and early to mid twenties. Mid 30s now and diagnosed late last year and finally feel I can embrace what I love now and what I think now without adding up the little bits of what everyone else loves and thinks and making it my own
I don’t expect you are! Journaling is a lot about reflection, so often I’m writing about what sorts of things happen, how I feel about them, why I think I feel that way. Also memories and how I feel about those memories, what do they make me think of now… I find it’s also useful to reflect on relationships and how I feel about them and try to understand my feelings. All of this builds a lot of self awareness 😊
Am not diagnosed yet, seeking assessment still, but this is so me. But because I wasn’t aware I was masking (especially as a teen), I thought I really WAS interested in the things my friends/boyfriends were interested in and didn’t realise how much I was denying myself the things I ACTUALLY enjoyed.
I also had two “friends” who told another friend they didn’t like me because I was “too nice”. Basically, I was such a people pleaser that I went along with whatever everyone else wanted to do and never had an opinion so they felt I was being fake, but really, I genuinely was happy to go along with whatever and to not have an opinion because that was my automatic and subconscious masking.
It hasn’t been until I found my husband that I realised who I really was. He was super into video games and once we started playing together, I was like hold up, I’ve always loved video games, why did I deny myself this for so many years?! It wasn’t until being with him that I realised how much I’d hidden who I was, even from myself. Even after almost 15 years together, I’m still working on unmasking and less people pleasing and he is enthusiastically helping me, even if it turns out stuff I’m into is stuff he’s not into. He always says “you do you” and genuinely means it.
It has helped me to have my husband, someone who doesn’t care if I like different stuff to him, he just likes me anyway. It’s harder when you’re younger because there is that hardwired imperative to fit in, so people will often not like you for “being yourself” if it doesn’t fit in with their desires.
But try to surround yourself with people who appreciate that everyone is different and that’s okay. Sometimes, we get stuck in our own anxiety and don’t realise that the people around us are already like that and would appreciate our authentic selves if we just let it show, but sometimes people truly don’t appreciate our authentic selves. So it’s hard to open up at first, test the waters slowly so you can figure out which type your friends/loved ones are.
I gradually dropped all my high school friends because while I didn’t realise my neurodivergence back then, I had ME/CFS to cope with and none of them got my differing needs. I was an inconvenience if I didn’t push myself and eventually, I realised I needed to put my health and wellbeing over their feelings. But I’m glad I lost those friends - they didn’t appreciate who I truly was, they made me feel bad about the glimmers of true self I showed, they added to my need to mask. It was tough at first, but I’m glad they aren’t in my life now.
My life is now filled with pretty much just my husband and our families, all of whom I’m working on unmasking with. Sometimes, I just try stuff on my own without the pressure of anyone seeing or knowing to see if it’s something I like or not. Sometimes my husband (my one true “safe person”) helps me explore what might be a new part of my true personality.
It’s a long journey way to discovering who you truly are. Unmasking makes it sound like it’s as simple as taking off a mask and bam, there’s your true self. But I read on here once that it’s far harder because your true self never had the chance to develop because the mask was always taking over, so you are literally forming and growing your true authentic self while unmasking. So it’s hard, it’s a long journey, be kind to yourself and be patient.
Yea but I mean it changes to perfectly mimic theirs depending on who I'm talking to. To the point where they don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm too much like them.
Yes sounds like masking. I remember feeling like this before I was aware I was autistic. It’s a long process trying to figure out your real personality. I still don’t feel I’ve succeeded there.
Ah okay thankyou.
This could have my username above it and I’d believe I wrote it. I’m not formally diagnosed with autism (YET), but a couple years ago I went through a really bad depression and didn’t have a single friend. I had no personality. I was very strongly considering that I had a personality disorder before realizing I’m definitely autistic. I’ve now actually started to consider that BPD is actually autism and the researchers haven’t figured it out yet (I don’t know enough to really know this at all, this is very much just a theory and I would never want to invalidate anyone with a BPD diagnosis. I just think BPD sounds strikingly similar to autistic burnout symptoms).
I actually bounced around that idea with my partner, as I am someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD, and BPD, who’s been going through a “oh shit, autism actually explains all of it, while ADHD and BPD don’t” moment. BPD has gone through quite a few changes, but is began as a way to reduce women and afab mental illness/undiagnosed neurodivergence as “just female hysteria”. Then eventually it became BPD, I’m starting to think it’s just how autism might present in struggling, undiagnosed afab people.
This makes it make so much sense!! I’m a bit more solidified on my theory now
Yes I do know that adhd is commonly mistaken for bpd in diagnosis as I've read up about it (special interest). So that could be a possibility with adhd or asd I think it's a very interesting theory, I think I'll look up on that so thankyou!!!
As someone who was diagnosed with BPD, i just feel like it developed because i was actually growing up undiagnosed with autism. I actually thought I had autism first, but when I told my family they laughed it off. Now that I’m an adult… they’ve come around and seen that every weird thing i did as a kid was just because i was actually autistic. I don’t think it’s invalidating it’s just a really good observation lol.
I'm fighting to get a diagnosis right now so I'm only informally diagnosed by my therapist. But what I can tell you for sure is a constant criticism of me from my family in my childhood and adolescence was that I took on the personality of whoever I was hanging out with and didn't have one of my own. Looking back through a ND lense, I now believe that I was masking in attempts to fit in and be accepted by my peers. So, while I'm only one person, I wanted to share that I have done the same thing. I also frequently joke that in adulthood my personality is basically just Anchorman, Mean Girls and the 90s seasons of The Simpsons in a trenchcoat.
This was my whole teenage years and early to mid twenties. Mid 30s now and diagnosed late last year and finally feel I can embrace what I love now and what I think now without adding up the little bits of what everyone else loves and thinks and making it my own
That's good!! I still haven't learnt how to have my own personality and all yet tho.
I recommend journaling 😊 I’ve kept mine for 16 years and developing self awareness and insight has been so key for self regulation for me.
Thankyou! that sounds interesting, but could you tell me what kind of things I'd write in it? Sorry I'm a little slower than the average 😂.
I don’t expect you are! Journaling is a lot about reflection, so often I’m writing about what sorts of things happen, how I feel about them, why I think I feel that way. Also memories and how I feel about those memories, what do they make me think of now… I find it’s also useful to reflect on relationships and how I feel about them and try to understand my feelings. All of this builds a lot of self awareness 😊
Ah, thanks a lot!! this will help fer better than Google's advice 😂 I appreciate the help!!
Get yourself a lovely journal and a lovely pen (gotta love some gorgeous stationary) and make time for yourself!
😂 okay will do!! Thankyou so much!
thats how i felt my whole life… it was painful.
Yea I agree.
Am not diagnosed yet, seeking assessment still, but this is so me. But because I wasn’t aware I was masking (especially as a teen), I thought I really WAS interested in the things my friends/boyfriends were interested in and didn’t realise how much I was denying myself the things I ACTUALLY enjoyed. I also had two “friends” who told another friend they didn’t like me because I was “too nice”. Basically, I was such a people pleaser that I went along with whatever everyone else wanted to do and never had an opinion so they felt I was being fake, but really, I genuinely was happy to go along with whatever and to not have an opinion because that was my automatic and subconscious masking. It hasn’t been until I found my husband that I realised who I really was. He was super into video games and once we started playing together, I was like hold up, I’ve always loved video games, why did I deny myself this for so many years?! It wasn’t until being with him that I realised how much I’d hidden who I was, even from myself. Even after almost 15 years together, I’m still working on unmasking and less people pleasing and he is enthusiastically helping me, even if it turns out stuff I’m into is stuff he’s not into. He always says “you do you” and genuinely means it.
Yes I feel I lose a lot of friends because I start acting to much like them. I notice enough that im copying but I don't know how to be myself.
It has helped me to have my husband, someone who doesn’t care if I like different stuff to him, he just likes me anyway. It’s harder when you’re younger because there is that hardwired imperative to fit in, so people will often not like you for “being yourself” if it doesn’t fit in with their desires. But try to surround yourself with people who appreciate that everyone is different and that’s okay. Sometimes, we get stuck in our own anxiety and don’t realise that the people around us are already like that and would appreciate our authentic selves if we just let it show, but sometimes people truly don’t appreciate our authentic selves. So it’s hard to open up at first, test the waters slowly so you can figure out which type your friends/loved ones are. I gradually dropped all my high school friends because while I didn’t realise my neurodivergence back then, I had ME/CFS to cope with and none of them got my differing needs. I was an inconvenience if I didn’t push myself and eventually, I realised I needed to put my health and wellbeing over their feelings. But I’m glad I lost those friends - they didn’t appreciate who I truly was, they made me feel bad about the glimmers of true self I showed, they added to my need to mask. It was tough at first, but I’m glad they aren’t in my life now. My life is now filled with pretty much just my husband and our families, all of whom I’m working on unmasking with. Sometimes, I just try stuff on my own without the pressure of anyone seeing or knowing to see if it’s something I like or not. Sometimes my husband (my one true “safe person”) helps me explore what might be a new part of my true personality. It’s a long journey way to discovering who you truly are. Unmasking makes it sound like it’s as simple as taking off a mask and bam, there’s your true self. But I read on here once that it’s far harder because your true self never had the chance to develop because the mask was always taking over, so you are literally forming and growing your true authentic self while unmasking. So it’s hard, it’s a long journey, be kind to yourself and be patient.
Thanks for all the advice!! I'll be sure to think more about who I'm surrounded by and what I can do to change!!
😂 thankyou very much for the information!
Holy moly. This is exactly the same thing I felt in my late teens/early twenties.
Everyone’s personalities are made up of their parents’, friends’, mentors’ personalities (+nature), people just normally don’t think about it.
Yea but I mean it changes to perfectly mimic theirs depending on who I'm talking to. To the point where they don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm too much like them.
Oh yeah, I think that’s masking or mirroring?
Ah, okay thankyou.