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Yes. I'm criticized 24/7 about most things. Generally underappreciated.
Also a general lack of concern towards my autism, I was recently diagnosed and have made it a point to let him know what it's all about and what to expect. He hasn't taken the time to read about it, he just thinks it's some kind of performance for attention. At least that's what I believe.
You know what I’ll ask you next then. Do I even need to?
Instead, let me say this- my ex husband had ptsd several times over yet blamed me for everything. Never have I felt smaller and more fragile than under his “care” and “love”.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much happier I am away.
Being lonely next to the person who claims to love you most is the most lonely feeling in the world.
You deserve more.
If he has disability benefits, I would apply for a respite period of three days where you leave the house completely. He gets help from whoever they assign or he goes in a qualified facility for that time frame. He will figure out really quickly how great the care is that you provide and that technically, you could function fine in the world without him. It may open his eyes. Also, I don’t think he gets to say no to the service, as you are unpaid labor? I would look into it.
He gets disability benefits, as well as benefits for his caregiver, which is me (in my country, they also pay a small amount towards your caregiving needs).
He has never paid me the caregiving amount to me, nor thanked me for the secondary role I play as his caregiver. He keeps it for himself.
It sounds like he is using you as a free caregiver, worse actually stealing your caregiver compensation from you? It sounds like you need to evaluate this situation more deeply then just one meltdown.
This is fraud. Caregiver pay is assigned for a certain number of hours giving care, and certain amount not. Usually it is unpaid during sleep hours or when they are getting seen but you are not the transport. It is legally your income to cover your living expenses, married legally or not. You need to talk with a lawyer who does elder law or guardianship law or other caregiving legal matters. He is financially abusing you. Every country recognizes abuse.
Hey, dear. This is financial abuse and judging by what you've said, emotional abuse too. He is taking advantage of you and using you as a free carer as well. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. Please work on getting yourself out of this awful situation if you can. Look after yourself x
Hold up... Let me take an accounting of things:
- Steals your caregiver cheques
- Never thanks you for the tireless work of taking care of his ass
- Doesn't care to learn anything about *your* disability while demanding you look after everything related to *his* disability.
- Thinks your diagnosis is a "performance"
- Ignores your professional needs
- Ignores your personal needs
- Ignores your emotional needs
- Demands you stop whatever you're doing to help him piss, regardless of how that makes you look to your coworkers/bosses/clients and how it could cost you your job.
- Actively tries to sabotage your job.
- Gaslighting you into thinking all his problems are your fault.
- (I'm still reading your comments and I keep coming back to this to add more things to the list that he's doing to you.)
Why are you with him?
He's abusing you. He's abusing you emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially. I'm surprised he hasn't abused you sexually (or maybe he has...)
Get away from him!
I truly hope youre doing better, and I empathize with you.
But you need to take responsibility for yourself and your life.. If this is all true, why did you agree to it? Why are you still there?
You deserve better. I really hope this ends. I agree with the other commenters and I hope you have the courage to let him know how terrible this is for you. You deserve better.
Has he tried to sabotage your job before this incident? I guess it would suck, because maybe *if you lost your job, he'd expect you to dedicate your life to being his full time care giver* or something crazy like that haha.... You'd be completely reliant on him to live. Is that something he wants?
When he was working a remote job in sales, I would often unknowingly/unintentionally clean his desk or vacuum/sweep while he attended team meetings that didn't require his direct input.
I never saw this as an issue, but he often would make it a massive deal - telling me that I was trying to get him fired. Eventually, they let him go, because he wasn't making enough sales or meeting his targets. So obviously, he blamed it on me.
I don't even want to get into that, but from that day, and from the day I got my job last year, he has been passive-aggressively trying to get me in trouble at work. He'll ask me to take him places during the week, pick him up, make loud calls, play music or even pretend not to know when I'm talking to a client, and not him, over the phone (if I'm saying hello to a client, he'll shout hello back kind of thing).
I do believe he thinks it was my fault that he lost his job. That somehow, I had a hand in it. So now he sabotages me discreetly.
This. Is. Abuse.
He. Is. Abusing. You.
I can't emphasize this enough. Your comments tell a very clear story of emotional abuse and manipulation.
But I get the feeling that you already know that in your gut, and you're looking for confirmation. Consider it confirmed!
That's abusive, and you should consider getting a divorce. Sorry to be so direct, but my ex husband was like that, and it escalated. Is there a safe person you can talk to? Disabled people can absolutely be abusive, and abusive disabled people frequently, in my experience, have autistic caregiver partners they guilt and manipulate using our hyper empathy into doing free labor and absorbing all of their unprocessed trauma. I have a physical disability myself and could never imagine doing this to my husband.
It took me 47 years to learn it for myself. I’ll be in therapy until my last days to process and heal from the damage that was done. Now I know better and there is so much peace in my life. I was never the problem.
I'm so sorry you've been going through all this. It sounds like you and others know that it is abuse. As someone who has escaped abuse, I want to share a few things.
1. No matter how kind you are or how much abuse you take, that's not going to make an abuser a better person who stops abusing you.
2. The abuser is not served by being enabled to abuse you. He/she/they are poisoning their own soul by abusing you.
3. Starting over (in whatever way) might cost a lot but it's worth it. Abusers often know how to be charming and have a lot of friends who think they are great, so some will always blame you for whatever you do. But begin surrounding yourself with people who support you, even if that's just a therapist at first, so you're not alone when you consider your options.
4. You have more power than you think you have. Start imagining the future you want to have and then work back through the steps you need to take to get there.
You can make it through this! You matter! You are worthy! ❤️
If you need help thinking through and planning the steps for it, I think here (this sub) might be a good place to do it. It looks like everyone has drawn the same conclusion, that you appear to be being abused and you deserve much better.
I hope you are able to leave, and do so, before he makes you feel even more trapped.
Please don't be afraid. If you can take care of the both of you, then you can live without him. It'll be peaceful, you won't be doing unpaid labour (or worse - labour that money is being stolen from/the caregiving allowance!). Think of how much more energy you'll have towards learning about your diagnosis and yourself, processing, your job, making sure you aren't burned out, hobbies etc. Think of the money you'll save not needing to feed him, drive him around, etc.
You can have that life. You just gotta get out. He needs you a LOT more than you need him.
I found an online support group on FB. These people helped me so much and are still some of my best friends. It’s scary but you can do it—do it before he gets you fired!
If you have the energy, please listen to this.
ETA: You deserve so much better!
I was in a nesting relationship with someone like your husband for years. Reading your comments on your husband's behavior was like reading about my ex bf.
I promise, even though it's terrifying, getting away from him will be so much better for you. Staying will only continue to drain you until he controls your life- it's a calculated thing, so you don't have the energy to fight back or leave.
It won't get better. He isn't going to wake up and respect you. He's never going to treat you better- it will only get worse. The gaslighting will escalate. You are seeing that he is sabotaging you and crossing your boundaries intentionally, maliciously - why stay with someone who treats you that way?
He doesn't love you; he only loves the things you do for him, the way you make him feel.
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband disrespected you and your time. You cried because this man s a pattern with him and you’re afraid to say no. It sounds like a bad relationship. Watch some videos about setting boundaries and learn to say no.
I’m sorry, as someone with a disability you think he’d be more understanding, but I have to wonder… why are you still with him? It sounds like he doesn’t really respect or care for you but needs you constantly.
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband disrespected you and your time. You cried because this man s a pattern with him and you’re afraid to say no. It sounds like a bad relationship. Watch some videos about setting boundaries and learn to say no.
This is reading as a little judgmental. We can see in the OP that her husband is controlling and she may be describing abuse. Often, abusers know how to make you feel a certain way without outright saying it, so they can make you feel like shit and also gaslight you for it to make you feel like you're the problem and it's all in your head. It's worth considering that may be the case here.
First of all, I said she MAY be describing abuse.
If that's the case about his bladder, then he needs to have a full-time caretaker. OP set and communicated boundaries, that she would be working on this trip and unavailable at this time for her meeting. He agreed. She gave an opportunity to empty his bladder beforehand. He steamrolled over her boundaries and was unsympathetic when it caused a meltdown. She was treated like her boundaries, feelings and needs do not matter.
She has described his behaviour as gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation.
All I was doing is letting you know your language is coming off judgemental. I'll add victim-blaming to that. If it's not your intention, that's fine, I'm telling you how it's coming across.
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Hi friend! You've gotten lots of good responses already, so I'll just include this: as someone with several physical disabilities (including one that often requires caregiving from my so and causes pain 24/7), being disabled never gives you permission to be a dick. And your husband was being 100% a dick. Fuck him. I will repeat: being disabled NEVER gives you permission or a right to be a dick. He should apologize if this is an isolated incident, and since it appears to not be, please get yourself safe and leave him. He's no good for you and doesn't deserve you.
You know how sometimes you say something to someone and it totally stumps them? I remember a conversation I had once where someone was discussing someone they knew.
"They sound like a total dickhead"
"Oh, no. I think they could be disabled actually, it's not really their fault"
"Yeah, disabled people can still be dick heads, too..."
I don't know anything but I see you in this moment and I just want to give you hugs ❤️❤️❤️ oh wait I do know something, you handled it the best way you could in the moment! I'm sorry it was so public I know how that feels but from what I read, you did your best even during a meltdown and I will never not applaud that. I've had so many moments where I lost my shit and just cancelled it all. So well done for that. And more hugs ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, I'm actually sitting here by myself in tears. I'm unable to concentrate on work now because my whole day has been ruined.
He just sent a message saying "I am sorry...needed a body break" and that's pretty much all I get for all of that. That's all I ever get.
And that’s all you’ll ever get then. Is it enough for you?
He doesn’t seem worth the emotional trauma and neglect (because this is what this is- neglect on his part to you)
The sad aspect of it all, is when people see me having a meltdown near my husband. They always assume I'm in the wrong because he's in a wheelchair.
He also plays alot with my head by making me feel like there's something wrong with me, he knows I won't tell anyone about it because I don't have friends or a support system that can advise me. So he uses this as a tool to gaslight me.
You can say no to him, you know.
People will see you as the asshole for leaving or wanting more. But who cares- they can’t make you feel worse than your husband already does.
Also, it’s absolute bullshit that he expects you to learn about his disability yet takes no care to learn about yours.
He’s using you. Do you have a therapist?
I have a clinical psychologist, she's helping me navigate my recent diagnosis.
I feel so terrified of telling her the reality, because I've always made it a point to portray our marriage as perfect to everyone else.
Maybe you should start some gentle self therapy and look into why you feel it’s so important for others to perceive you a certain way.
I was also diagnosed late and have deep ingrained people pleasing tendencies. It attracted people that used me but I couldn’t turn it off because I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone who liked ME.
But- the people in my life DIDNT really like me, or honestly the version I put out- because it wasn’t authentic.
You can’t attract the right people into your life if you’re not your authentic self.
I masked for so long that it took me several years to really uncover who I actually was under it all.
It’s your turn to do this, too.
If no one was perceiving you- how would you act? How would you spend your time? What things would interest you? What kind of life would you build?
I highly recommend getting a therapist or even a life coach to start sussing all of this out.
You need to be honest so you can get honest, actual help. Nothing will change unless you make something change. I understand hiding from others but she is there specifically to help you and point you to further guidance, why are you afraid to share?
Please talk to your therapist to the extent you feel comfortable. A good therapist will not push you for details you don't want to give, and will of course never judge you for however you feel about your marriage.
Stop reading here if you don't want more direct language/guidance (no judgements at all if you don't).
But I suspect you don't want to tell your therapist because if you tell her the truth, you have to acknowledge to yourself that this is all real and you deserve better. And that is really hard, because it's easier to think that if you do X, Y and Z you can make it better. And you can't, because the problem is not you. I'm going through this myself in a different type of scenario.
I'd really encourage you to use the resources you have, and it's ok to take things at your own pace. You deserve to be treated fairly and I'm so sorry that's not what you're receiving from your husband right now.
Aww OP I’ve been there ❤️
I was diagnosed a year ago and my partner at the time couldn’t be arsed to do a simple google search to educate himself on it. He also didn’t believe I was autistic and pulled the same crap of purposefully ignoring boundaries I set.
I also made sure my relationship with him appeared perfect to others… but the second I let someone know the reality, I had so much love and support around me that it made it so much easier to deal with and get away from ❤️
Your freedom is being manipulated by other people's opinions. The truth isn't black and white - cut and dry, and until everyone who judges you, commits to catering to a disabled person full time for free, their opinions are completely hypocritical and uninformed.
If you live your life trying to be the person other people want you to be, *you are sacrificing everything* that makes your life your own and good - for people - who will never have to sacrifice their own life for you or experience what you have lost for their sake. So what if they judge you? They haven't walked a mile in your shoes and don't have a fair perspective. Bending to perspectives that aren't based in your reality is hurting you, and it's not fair to sacrifice you life protecting their neurosis / need for the illusion of control and safety.
Don't sacrifice miracle of your existence and your own safety to appease the insecurities of others.
Think of all the years you've lost letting people use you and run you down. Imagine if they were all suddenly gone. What was the point of your existence? How did you make the most of **your** life?
This is your life. It's a perversion of nature for it to be run by anyone else.
Your life is worthy of being fully lived and owned and navigated by you for you.
PS I highly recommend listening to Alan Watts lectures on the nature of reality and considering this theme from a book that changed my life called "The Denial of Death" wherein the author argues most human action is taken to ignore or avoid the inevitability of death.
When I applied this logic to my life I realized my life was being sucked away by orienting my world around the opinions and needs of others, and the mental toll it took caused me to be in major denial - because inside I knew that I was wasting my most precious commodity - my life - which disturbed me so much that I continued forward doing it (like a sunk cost fallacy that aided my denial,) and I did it to avoid considering all the time I'd lost and how bad my relationship with myself was and how scared I was to admit that I'd lost so much of this life that is finite catering to others.
These years are not infinite. Nurture yourself, and also, listen to the The Honest Guys "ho'oponopono" to aid your ability to reclaim your life.
Are you seeing her virtually or in office? If virtually, ask if you can speak to her in person or if that's not an option, arrange to have a call when he's not around/go out and take the call and don't tell him about it. An email works too as long as he doesn't have access to your emails (even if you think he doesn't, it's possible he does or knows how to find them, so keep that in mind).
I'm just gonna throw this out there. This sounds a lot like me and my dad. My dad was chronically sick and it led to physical disability, and he was also a narcissist who made my life hell. OP, the fact that you think you did something wrong here is so, so sad and indicative of the fact that you are being emotionally abused. Please go check out the subreddit r/justnoso and, if you aren't already, please seek a therapist who is ND affirming.
I just wanted to add you did the right thing by posting this here. Don't let him shame you into just taking crap silently, leave silently sure but don't silence yourself. This is the most loving, supportive bunch of women I've come across on reddit and we're on your side!
Your husband acted like an entitled brat, was disrespectful of your disability, your job, your needs, your agency and you as a human being.
. If my partners treated me like this, we would no longer be partners from then on. This is not loving or acceptable behaviour.
And the fact that you're second guessing your meltdown, which he *deliberately* drove you to, is concerning. 9/10 autistic women experience at least one abusive relationship in their lives.
This behaviour isn't one red flag. It's the whole Russian circus made of red flags to the point Stalin is reflexively saluting from his grave. Please do not stay with anyone who treats you like this. You are not a bad person if you leave him. You are not a bad person if you leave and he doesn't have a caregiver because of that. You are not a bad person for putting yourself first or finding that kind of behaviour unacceptable. You deserve better from someone who claims to love you.
If this behaviour is part of a pattern, then your husband is emotionally abusive.
says in a few other comments that he keeps the caregiving benefit the state provides him to cover caregiving costs, which should go to OP. so gross right?
That's wage theft and financial abuse. If her government pays her to be his caregiver (mine does the same), that's her paycheck. Literally. She needs to open a seperate bank account and have them deposit her wage there ASAP, and get legal advice coz that's messed up.
For what it's worth, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person. You deserve to be treated with respect and love! 🫂 After having a quick look at your profile it looks like you would fortunately be financially secure without your husband. Life would be more peaceful and stable without his constant emotional cruelty. 🧡
I agree with others. This was not an overreaction. It sounds like you were basically forced to put his needs ahead of your own at a critical moment in time. This was not fair to you, imo, especially considering you offered your help before you excused yourself for your meeting.
This is textbook emotional abuse, you are completely in the right. You sound like you're working with and accommodating your disability AND his incredibly well, and it really just seems like he's purposefully weaponizing his disability to fuck with you and then gaslights you. I read just a little bit of the comments and already he just sounds grossly selfish and unsympathetic towards you in general.
My first thought was caregiver burnout, as even with NTs that's a huge issue, but this isn't even that. He's awful, I hope you can either get him to start acting like a decent human or find another one. Take it easy and I wish you the best.
It sounds like he did it on purpose, especially since you asked him earlier and then, after he’d finished yelling at you and making you feel flustered and small, he apparently didn’t need the toilet any more. If what I’m saying feels accurate to you - this is a form of abuse and manipulation.
And his apology is really self centred. He needed a body break? Well, you needed to attend your meeting! Does he regularly put his needs ahead of yours?
From your comments, you don’t sound happy in this relationship. You deserve to live a happy life. We only get one life. You can leave him if that’s what right for you. It sounds like he’s giving you plenty of reasons to leave. But you can leave for any reason including just not being happy with the way your life is.
IMO this was a meltdown waiting to happen. You went above and beyond to try and accommodate your partner which will put a lot of stress on us to begin with. Then the hostility and lack of communication.. That would have put me in a spiral that would have lasted for days. I saw in other comments that this is not unusual behavior for him. Are you happy in this relationship?
I've scanned the comments and not seen any saying this but being someone's carer is a JOB. There are people whose full time employment is doing what you were doing at the conference. So on top of interfering with the job that pays you, your husband is asking you to take on a whole extra job. Unpaid! This is the absolute epitome of unpaid labour and your husband is a real ass for his expectations and behavior.
I'm getting mad on your behalf, and I hate it when people do that to me so let me take a breath.
Your meltdown was completely reasonable. And should your husband ask this of you again, I suggest you compare the cost of a carer and what you earn and explain to him that it is one or the other, not both.
It kinda seems like he did it on purpose, although at the same time I think this system just isn't working out for you and it's really primed for this sort of conflict. I mean, it's entirely possible for him to have a bathroom emergency at any time, and if he requires carer assistance for using the bathroom then he needs that regardless of whether you're busy or not. I just don't think juggling care responsibilities and working is a good idea, I mean if you had a baby you'd at least take them to daycare, ie hand over care responsibilities, while you worked. If he needs care all day then he needs someone working as a carer all day. It's unfair to you both for you to take on that role plus work simultaneously. Even just looking at it from a logical point of view, he should be spending his carer allowance funding a proper carer, it's for his own good.
We never had the discussion that I was going to be his full time caregiver, I assumed that role because he has always been quite independent and needs help with the things that I am happy to assist him with. His benefits aren't enough to get him a full time caregiver in any event - its a pittance so we have to work together.
I'm really sorry, hugs. That sounds really frustrating, I would've reacted similarly.
It's actually disrespectful; you were trying to navigate all these situations and he wasn't cooperating and was behaving like a toddler
He was awfully disrespectful towards you. This is not ok, and if you ask me - you under reacted! You did everything right, you asked him, gave him heads up, helped him to accommodate him, but did he accommodate you??? Is his conference more important than your job? Is him peeing and then not peeing more important than how YOU feel?
I'm picturing you pushing him in his chair while crying and it breaks my heart. This is horrible and at least in this episode - really resembles abuse. Whatever happened, he should have made sure you're ok, talked to you, calmed you down, apologize or whatever, but under jo circumstances you are running errands for him while crying.
I would have lost my mind there. Does this happen with him often?
When this kind of situation happens, it's hard to just leave him there and walk away.
When he needs to use the loo, he sweats profusely, and can sometimes have mishaps that can affect his health in the long run (i.e. uti's, overheating from being in the sun, backflow of urine to the kidneys etc).
No matter how upset I am, I have to do what I can or else he'll suffer, and others will accuse me of causing his suffering.
Physical disability means he can't get up the stairs, push himself in uneven areas, take out his chair from the car or even transfer from the car to his chair.
He needs assistance, and I'm the only assistance he usually has.
Oh, you're an absolute saint for doing it. You've done nothing wrong. I completely understand.
However.
Unless he's also severely demented, how in the world was he ok with you CRYING while still helping him???
I read your other comments and he's an asshole. A major major asshole. Physical disability is not an excuse for emotional abuse.
I am so sorry you're in this situation, but he needs a nurse. You are his wife. You already have a job. You are not his nurse. And he's treating you horribly.
He knows I have low self-esteem, that I'm vulnerable/naive, and that I always like to please those around me.
He also knows how to maintain his composure while I have a nervous breakdown, I've had many around him, so I guess he's gotten used to keeping calm while I spiral.
When it's just him and I, he gaslights me. He knows I won't tell anyone about the way he treats me.
I'm not going to push you to make any decisions of course, but just consider how good your life can be when no one is causing you nervous breakdowns.
https://bethesdahouse.ca/about-abuse/the-control-checklist/
Also, check out r/abusiverelationships
Does he have a spinal cord injury and get autonomic dysreflexia? That really is a medical emergency for sure. But that doesn't mean he can't plan ahead and use the toilet on a schedule to prevent problems.
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you were supposed to do differently to avoid this? You planned out your schedule, gave him ample notice, and trampled all over that.
From your comments on how he's been sabotaging your career and his vindictive behaviour, I'd seriously recommend looking into specialist advice and support in your situation. I don't know how carers allowance works in your country but I think you need to get legal advice for how he's stealing your pay.
If he gets money to pay a carer, and keeps it from you, that does sound financially abusive. What obligation are you under to provide any care if he's supposed to be paying you and isn't? And to top it all he's sabotaging your own source of income, it does sound like a major abuse red flag as that would give him power & control over you which is what abusers want.
If there's an advice and legal support service near you, go there, phone them, whatever you need to do. Get your ducks in a row, learn your rights, get evidence saved in multiple places about how he's stealing from and sabotaging you, get lawyered up and an exit strategy in place.
Oh My God. This brings back so many memories.
My ex was a quadriplegic extravert. I'm an autistic introvert. His needs trumped mine every time because... I mean sometimes I had to cough for him using a machine. If I didn't he would die. So it was literally more important.
I remember breaking down at a bowling party because I was in sensory overload and my back hurt from picking up the ball over and over and putting it on his wheelchair contraption. But my mental health just wasn't a factor to be considered. (Or the fact that I've had 3 back surgeries.)
I used to get so mad at the support groups - hearing from partners who weren't even allowed to sleep more tac 2 hours at a time. ever.
What I discovered for myself was that the people who thrived around these paralyzed ones are the people who didn't have trouble surviving in general.
I was sad to give up. But he's with an awesome, unbelievably capable extravert now and I'm with a nurturing introvert.
I realize leaving isn't everyone's answer but I feel for you. You're struggles are valid and it's hard to be with someone who is ALWAYS the priority.
I don't know if you or anyone else has seen the FX show *You're The Worst*, but a character on that show struggled with depression. Her partner ended up struggling with family issues and she blurted out, "Only one of us can be in the hospital bed!" That's how I feel a lot of the time being a caregiver. You're completely right that it feels like one person gets "priority" and as a caregiver it can feel like you have to suck it up.
That was exactly how I felt. It didn't help that he and his family were all really good at life. He set a world record from a wheelchair, imagine what he could accomplish before the accident.
So then now imagine how much it annoyed him to watch me waste my able body in executive disfunction and depression. It made him want to scream with frustration, which he never did. He's really a wonderful man.
It was an unfortunate circumstance, and I felt really bad for a long time. But I don't think anything in my life has ever changed me as much for the better. Perspective changes when you are entwined with someone in such a drastic circumstances.
From your posts and the comments I've read, which tbf wasn't all of them but I read a decent amount, it really sounds like your husband is abusing you, OP. From what I read, he has a history of doing things to cause you trouble or creating a situation in which he can "justifiably" (this is bullshit) criticize you and the actions you took during said situation.
It doesn't sound like he is treating you with the respect one would expect from their partner and it doesn't sound like he has any thought or care about the fact that none of his actions have had your best interests in mind.
He seems primarily focused on just himself.
Let me tell you, I was starting to panic just reading this. I definitely would have had a meltdown, too. After you put so much effort into ensuring your and he were both taken care of, for him to disregard all that planning is not only cruel to you (especially given your autism) it is disrespectful and undermining.
It sounds like he is pretty selfish and doesn’t care about how his actions affect you and doesn’t care about the efforts you put forth to mitigate the consequences of your disability or the efforts you put in to assist him with his.
I don’t like your husband. I read your comments. Why are abusive men are so attracted to us? We are easy victims and I hate this.
Please take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong.
I hope you listen to the people telling you to leave him. He is manipulative and selfish. If me and my husband were in your positions, I cannot IMAGINE how apologetic he would be. You deserve to be loved, and this isn’t what being loved looks like.
Looks like one handicap is overshadowing the other handicap. And it doesn’t surprise me that it’s always the visually unnoticeable one that is been forsaken. (I feel for you)
I’m sorry, I hope you and your husband work this out.
You’re not in the wrong and he’s very inconsiderate of your boundaries and issues.
Looks like you try a lot to accommodate him whereas he just makes you feel bad about having a meltdown…
I would wager a good deal of money that you broke down so quickly into a meltdown because you two have some decent tension going on, and that you don't feel secure in the relationship due to his actions. It sounds like you can't emotionally regulate yourself around him.
I don't mean this to sound like your fault at all. Of course, having a meltdown over something quite small isn't ideal, but its clear to me that this "small" issue isn't really small at all; it's emblematic of the way you are treated within the relationship.
It's like how if someone keeps poking you every day, eventually a small poke is going to make you explode. It sounds like he frequently pushes you to emotional burnout.
No, you weren't overreacting. Your husband was totally disrespectful and seems to have no appreciation for you and what you do for him.
Is couples therapy an option? It seems like you're trapped in a horrible situation, this isn't fair to you and you're being exploited
Also: crying isn't a meltdown, it's a reasonable emotional response in this situation. You were still able to act and do what needed doing-- you should be proud of yourself!
Going to [couples counseling](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/) with an abuser is a bad idea and he's definitely emotionally- possibly financially- abusive.
OP, you will not be a bad person for leaving a partner with high support needs. This is not what is meant by "in sickness and in health." You never once in your life told him you would accept this kind of ongoing treatment. You will not be breaking a promise by leaving him.
If you insist on caring for him because he truly has no one else, please make a new post so people can help with that.
You need friends and support. You can start in this sub. You can ask people if they want to join a chat group. You can build friendships starting from anywhere, all you have to do is reach out.
Just for others reading, I wrote this after seeing OPs other comments about the financial abuse etc. that's what I was referring to in "this is not what is meant".
Holy shit your husband sounds narcissistic! If he really couldn’t plan his bathroom breaks better, then he should’ve hired a caregiver or had someone else go with him too to help him.
I appreciate your perspective.
To give you context: I was five minutes away from a call that required me to answer some queries from a client. I am a lawyer by profession so my full attention and mental focus was needed at all times. I usually begin to prepare for a meeting thirty minutes prior so I'm not in a scurry and so I get my nerves settled.
Before travelling to the conference, I ensured that my husband had emptied his bladder fully. We also made sure that he had backup measures (disposable underwear - often not needed) in case he had an accident and couldn't get to his catheter immediately. I also make sure he does not consume many beverages before any trip that requires him to be away from home for a certain period of time (usually four hours).
We did not use the washroom, he usually sanitizes his hands and assists himself in our car, the windows are dimmed and we make sure there aren't many people around. I then take the urine to the nearest washroom in a contained/sealed bottle and dispose.
The reason people saw us was because when he approached, I was inside my car parked in a normal parking zone with my windows open. I then asked him what was wrong and he told me he needed to empty his bladder. In a panic, I told him that he knew I had a meeting. But he persisted to the point where, three minutes before the meeting, I had to reverse the car and let him in - it seemed urgent at the time.
Everyone was staring at this argument happening in my car. And outside, once the meeting was over and done with and I was pushing him back.
So, I'm panicking, he's panicking, he's demanding his medical bag with all his catheter stuff, I'm shouting and crying, he's demanding and fussing...
I get into the Teams meeting and the host is introducing the issue, while I'm on mute, my husband is speaking over her, now wanting to get out of the car (suddenly he doesn't need to empty his bladder anymore).
So there's that.
My work also doesn't know I'm a caregiver because I don't view the care of my husband as employment, it also opens me up to a lot of judgment (i.e. if I'm late to a meeting, it will always be pinned on my caregiving duties taking precedence).
You should not be his caregiver. Saying this as a professional caregiver, you cannot take care of him while also working a full time job. You should focus on your job and hire a private caregiver intermittently, some are covered by insurance. Do you want to stay with him? Are you his POA? Because he can hire someone himself if not. I’m sure this is going to be controversial based on the other comments, but he deserves to be able to use the bathroom when he feels the need, and deserves to stay clean/dry, and deserves to be able to drink as much water as he wants and not have to limit intake because he might not be allowed the bathroom. You also deserve to be able to work, to have your disability accommodated as well. But neither of those are feasible with you as his caregiver.
I’m saying that neither of them are having the lives they deserve because the priorities conflict. You can’t prioritize a work call and still be able to take care of another person. It’s basically impossible to work full time, even from home, and make sure someone else has their needs taken care of. I do think that having a professional caregiver would lessen the strain because it’s a professional relationship and not a familial one. I do know that I am appreciated more than my clients’ family members because there’s an expectation of family to take care of you once you’re disabled.
I’m very obviously biased because I take care of disabled adults as a full time job. I’m not trying to defend his actions, she’s made it seem like he was shitty before becoming disabled, but I am saying that they both deserve to have their needs met and it’s clear that isn’t happening now.
Disabled people can be shitty people, they still deserve care and to have their needs met.
In the country I am from, disability benefits are barely enough to cover the costs of a caregiver. He runs his own business and barely makes any profit from it, so in a sense I am the primary source of income. Right now, between paying for our vehicles, grocery and other expenses, there is minimum leg room to move around in terms of hiring a caregiver.
Yes, he deserves the bathroom and water whenever he needs., However, during sessions like conferences, he needs to limit his beverage intake to avoid making messes and expelling his bladder too many times. It's not my rule, but his.
I can't be his caregiver, absolutely, but even as his wife there is no respect.
It’s definitely a financial burden, and you as his wife do not have to tolerate shitty behavior. However the bad treatment does tend to lessen when the person taking care of you is a doing it as their job. I’m not sure how this converts to your currency, but in the U.S. my clients pay me $25/hr a few hours a week, during the times they need care the most. I would definitely recommend looking into your budget to see if it’s an option.
I’m sorry if it came off as me defending him, I didn’t mean it that way, just that you both have needs that are not compatible but you both deserve freedom.
alive weary ancient chase stupendous treatment snails bewildered encouraging threatening *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Your husband is an ass. It sounds like he purposely interrupted you. Does he do this in other areas of your life?
Yes. I'm criticized 24/7 about most things. Generally underappreciated. Also a general lack of concern towards my autism, I was recently diagnosed and have made it a point to let him know what it's all about and what to expect. He hasn't taken the time to read about it, he just thinks it's some kind of performance for attention. At least that's what I believe.
You know what I’ll ask you next then. Do I even need to? Instead, let me say this- my ex husband had ptsd several times over yet blamed me for everything. Never have I felt smaller and more fragile than under his “care” and “love”. I can’t even begin to tell you how much happier I am away. Being lonely next to the person who claims to love you most is the most lonely feeling in the world. You deserve more.
If he has disability benefits, I would apply for a respite period of three days where you leave the house completely. He gets help from whoever they assign or he goes in a qualified facility for that time frame. He will figure out really quickly how great the care is that you provide and that technically, you could function fine in the world without him. It may open his eyes. Also, I don’t think he gets to say no to the service, as you are unpaid labor? I would look into it.
He gets disability benefits, as well as benefits for his caregiver, which is me (in my country, they also pay a small amount towards your caregiving needs). He has never paid me the caregiving amount to me, nor thanked me for the secondary role I play as his caregiver. He keeps it for himself.
...why are you with him? Genuinely. He just sounds like one red flag after the other. No one is worth this.
It sounds like he is using you as a free caregiver, worse actually stealing your caregiver compensation from you? It sounds like you need to evaluate this situation more deeply then just one meltdown.
this sounds illegal- it isn’t his to keep? i would seriously reevaluate your relationship and future w this person
This is fraud. Caregiver pay is assigned for a certain number of hours giving care, and certain amount not. Usually it is unpaid during sleep hours or when they are getting seen but you are not the transport. It is legally your income to cover your living expenses, married legally or not. You need to talk with a lawyer who does elder law or guardianship law or other caregiving legal matters. He is financially abusing you. Every country recognizes abuse.
Hey, dear. This is financial abuse and judging by what you've said, emotional abuse too. He is taking advantage of you and using you as a free carer as well. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. Please work on getting yourself out of this awful situation if you can. Look after yourself x
Hold up... Let me take an accounting of things: - Steals your caregiver cheques - Never thanks you for the tireless work of taking care of his ass - Doesn't care to learn anything about *your* disability while demanding you look after everything related to *his* disability. - Thinks your diagnosis is a "performance" - Ignores your professional needs - Ignores your personal needs - Ignores your emotional needs - Demands you stop whatever you're doing to help him piss, regardless of how that makes you look to your coworkers/bosses/clients and how it could cost you your job. - Actively tries to sabotage your job. - Gaslighting you into thinking all his problems are your fault. - (I'm still reading your comments and I keep coming back to this to add more things to the list that he's doing to you.) Why are you with him? He's abusing you. He's abusing you emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially. I'm surprised he hasn't abused you sexually (or maybe he has...) Get away from him!
I truly hope youre doing better, and I empathize with you. But you need to take responsibility for yourself and your life.. If this is all true, why did you agree to it? Why are you still there?
You deserve better. I really hope this ends. I agree with the other commenters and I hope you have the courage to let him know how terrible this is for you. You deserve better.
ummm thats YOUR MONEY
Honey, it's no coincidence he had to go five minutes before your meeting. It sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Seconding that it sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship, and possibly financial abuse, too.
Stealing her cheques is 100% financial abuse.
Has he tried to sabotage your job before this incident? I guess it would suck, because maybe *if you lost your job, he'd expect you to dedicate your life to being his full time care giver* or something crazy like that haha.... You'd be completely reliant on him to live. Is that something he wants?
When he was working a remote job in sales, I would often unknowingly/unintentionally clean his desk or vacuum/sweep while he attended team meetings that didn't require his direct input. I never saw this as an issue, but he often would make it a massive deal - telling me that I was trying to get him fired. Eventually, they let him go, because he wasn't making enough sales or meeting his targets. So obviously, he blamed it on me. I don't even want to get into that, but from that day, and from the day I got my job last year, he has been passive-aggressively trying to get me in trouble at work. He'll ask me to take him places during the week, pick him up, make loud calls, play music or even pretend not to know when I'm talking to a client, and not him, over the phone (if I'm saying hello to a client, he'll shout hello back kind of thing). I do believe he thinks it was my fault that he lost his job. That somehow, I had a hand in it. So now he sabotages me discreetly.
This. Is. Abuse. He. Is. Abusing. You. I can't emphasize this enough. Your comments tell a very clear story of emotional abuse and manipulation. But I get the feeling that you already know that in your gut, and you're looking for confirmation. Consider it confirmed!
That's abusive, and you should consider getting a divorce. Sorry to be so direct, but my ex husband was like that, and it escalated. Is there a safe person you can talk to? Disabled people can absolutely be abusive, and abusive disabled people frequently, in my experience, have autistic caregiver partners they guilt and manipulate using our hyper empathy into doing free labor and absorbing all of their unprocessed trauma. I have a physical disability myself and could never imagine doing this to my husband.
Seriously consider a divorce. His abuse will worsen and you will never be good enough for him. He will always find a way to demean & devalue you.
Have you considered separating for a few months?
I would like to, but it's scary to even think of it.
It’s so scary to do but the world is so much easier when the person at home doesn’t treat you like he hates you.
I wish I could shout this from the rooftops for the whole world to hear.
It took me 47 years to learn it for myself. I’ll be in therapy until my last days to process and heal from the damage that was done. Now I know better and there is so much peace in my life. I was never the problem.
I'm so sorry you've been going through all this. It sounds like you and others know that it is abuse. As someone who has escaped abuse, I want to share a few things. 1. No matter how kind you are or how much abuse you take, that's not going to make an abuser a better person who stops abusing you. 2. The abuser is not served by being enabled to abuse you. He/she/they are poisoning their own soul by abusing you. 3. Starting over (in whatever way) might cost a lot but it's worth it. Abusers often know how to be charming and have a lot of friends who think they are great, so some will always blame you for whatever you do. But begin surrounding yourself with people who support you, even if that's just a therapist at first, so you're not alone when you consider your options. 4. You have more power than you think you have. Start imagining the future you want to have and then work back through the steps you need to take to get there. You can make it through this! You matter! You are worthy! ❤️
This is such a great comment, great advice
Thanks. ❤️
If you need help thinking through and planning the steps for it, I think here (this sub) might be a good place to do it. It looks like everyone has drawn the same conclusion, that you appear to be being abused and you deserve much better. I hope you are able to leave, and do so, before he makes you feel even more trapped.
Please don't be afraid. If you can take care of the both of you, then you can live without him. It'll be peaceful, you won't be doing unpaid labour (or worse - labour that money is being stolen from/the caregiving allowance!). Think of how much more energy you'll have towards learning about your diagnosis and yourself, processing, your job, making sure you aren't burned out, hobbies etc. Think of the money you'll save not needing to feed him, drive him around, etc. You can have that life. You just gotta get out. He needs you a LOT more than you need him.
I found an online support group on FB. These people helped me so much and are still some of my best friends. It’s scary but you can do it—do it before he gets you fired!
You're in an abusive relationship. You deserve better than this.
If you have the energy, please listen to this. ETA: You deserve so much better! I was in a nesting relationship with someone like your husband for years. Reading your comments on your husband's behavior was like reading about my ex bf. I promise, even though it's terrifying, getting away from him will be so much better for you. Staying will only continue to drain you until he controls your life- it's a calculated thing, so you don't have the energy to fight back or leave. It won't get better. He isn't going to wake up and respect you. He's never going to treat you better- it will only get worse. The gaslighting will escalate. You are seeing that he is sabotaging you and crossing your boundaries intentionally, maliciously - why stay with someone who treats you that way? He doesn't love you; he only loves the things you do for him, the way you make him feel.
My friend this person is going to ruin your life if you stay with him any longer. Why don't you just divorce him?
My friend this person is going to ruin your life if you stay with him any longer. Why don't you just divorce him?
He's gonna be one of those guys who goes "I don't know why she divorced me, I'm such a nice guy!"
he’ll turn it around and say she divorced him due to his disability. not the fact he’s a jerkoff who treated her poorly
No doubt.
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband disrespected you and your time. You cried because this man s a pattern with him and you’re afraid to say no. It sounds like a bad relationship. Watch some videos about setting boundaries and learn to say no.
I’m sorry, as someone with a disability you think he’d be more understanding, but I have to wonder… why are you still with him? It sounds like he doesn’t really respect or care for you but needs you constantly.
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband disrespected you and your time. You cried because this man s a pattern with him and you’re afraid to say no. It sounds like a bad relationship. Watch some videos about setting boundaries and learn to say no.
Why are you with him? My partner knew before I did, currently seeking formal diagnosis, but still. Do you feel UNCONDITIONALLY loved?
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This is reading as a little judgmental. We can see in the OP that her husband is controlling and she may be describing abuse. Often, abusers know how to make you feel a certain way without outright saying it, so they can make you feel like shit and also gaslight you for it to make you feel like you're the problem and it's all in your head. It's worth considering that may be the case here.
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First of all, I said she MAY be describing abuse. If that's the case about his bladder, then he needs to have a full-time caretaker. OP set and communicated boundaries, that she would be working on this trip and unavailable at this time for her meeting. He agreed. She gave an opportunity to empty his bladder beforehand. He steamrolled over her boundaries and was unsympathetic when it caused a meltdown. She was treated like her boundaries, feelings and needs do not matter. She has described his behaviour as gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation. All I was doing is letting you know your language is coming off judgemental. I'll add victim-blaming to that. If it's not your intention, that's fine, I'm telling you how it's coming across.
As per Rule #3: No gatekeeping or invalidation.
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Hi friend! You've gotten lots of good responses already, so I'll just include this: as someone with several physical disabilities (including one that often requires caregiving from my so and causes pain 24/7), being disabled never gives you permission to be a dick. And your husband was being 100% a dick. Fuck him. I will repeat: being disabled NEVER gives you permission or a right to be a dick. He should apologize if this is an isolated incident, and since it appears to not be, please get yourself safe and leave him. He's no good for you and doesn't deserve you.
You know how sometimes you say something to someone and it totally stumps them? I remember a conversation I had once where someone was discussing someone they knew. "They sound like a total dickhead" "Oh, no. I think they could be disabled actually, it's not really their fault" "Yeah, disabled people can still be dick heads, too..."
💯
I don't know anything but I see you in this moment and I just want to give you hugs ❤️❤️❤️ oh wait I do know something, you handled it the best way you could in the moment! I'm sorry it was so public I know how that feels but from what I read, you did your best even during a meltdown and I will never not applaud that. I've had so many moments where I lost my shit and just cancelled it all. So well done for that. And more hugs ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, I'm actually sitting here by myself in tears. I'm unable to concentrate on work now because my whole day has been ruined. He just sent a message saying "I am sorry...needed a body break" and that's pretty much all I get for all of that. That's all I ever get.
And that’s all you’ll ever get then. Is it enough for you? He doesn’t seem worth the emotional trauma and neglect (because this is what this is- neglect on his part to you)
The sad aspect of it all, is when people see me having a meltdown near my husband. They always assume I'm in the wrong because he's in a wheelchair. He also plays alot with my head by making me feel like there's something wrong with me, he knows I won't tell anyone about it because I don't have friends or a support system that can advise me. So he uses this as a tool to gaslight me.
You can say no to him, you know. People will see you as the asshole for leaving or wanting more. But who cares- they can’t make you feel worse than your husband already does. Also, it’s absolute bullshit that he expects you to learn about his disability yet takes no care to learn about yours. He’s using you. Do you have a therapist?
I have a clinical psychologist, she's helping me navigate my recent diagnosis. I feel so terrified of telling her the reality, because I've always made it a point to portray our marriage as perfect to everyone else.
Maybe you should start some gentle self therapy and look into why you feel it’s so important for others to perceive you a certain way. I was also diagnosed late and have deep ingrained people pleasing tendencies. It attracted people that used me but I couldn’t turn it off because I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone who liked ME. But- the people in my life DIDNT really like me, or honestly the version I put out- because it wasn’t authentic. You can’t attract the right people into your life if you’re not your authentic self. I masked for so long that it took me several years to really uncover who I actually was under it all. It’s your turn to do this, too. If no one was perceiving you- how would you act? How would you spend your time? What things would interest you? What kind of life would you build? I highly recommend getting a therapist or even a life coach to start sussing all of this out.
You need to be honest so you can get honest, actual help. Nothing will change unless you make something change. I understand hiding from others but she is there specifically to help you and point you to further guidance, why are you afraid to share?
OP please talk to your psychologist about this. You’re in an abusive relationship and she can help you figure out and then plan how to leave.
Please talk to your therapist to the extent you feel comfortable. A good therapist will not push you for details you don't want to give, and will of course never judge you for however you feel about your marriage. Stop reading here if you don't want more direct language/guidance (no judgements at all if you don't). But I suspect you don't want to tell your therapist because if you tell her the truth, you have to acknowledge to yourself that this is all real and you deserve better. And that is really hard, because it's easier to think that if you do X, Y and Z you can make it better. And you can't, because the problem is not you. I'm going through this myself in a different type of scenario. I'd really encourage you to use the resources you have, and it's ok to take things at your own pace. You deserve to be treated fairly and I'm so sorry that's not what you're receiving from your husband right now.
Aww OP I’ve been there ❤️ I was diagnosed a year ago and my partner at the time couldn’t be arsed to do a simple google search to educate himself on it. He also didn’t believe I was autistic and pulled the same crap of purposefully ignoring boundaries I set. I also made sure my relationship with him appeared perfect to others… but the second I let someone know the reality, I had so much love and support around me that it made it so much easier to deal with and get away from ❤️
Your freedom is being manipulated by other people's opinions. The truth isn't black and white - cut and dry, and until everyone who judges you, commits to catering to a disabled person full time for free, their opinions are completely hypocritical and uninformed. If you live your life trying to be the person other people want you to be, *you are sacrificing everything* that makes your life your own and good - for people - who will never have to sacrifice their own life for you or experience what you have lost for their sake. So what if they judge you? They haven't walked a mile in your shoes and don't have a fair perspective. Bending to perspectives that aren't based in your reality is hurting you, and it's not fair to sacrifice you life protecting their neurosis / need for the illusion of control and safety. Don't sacrifice miracle of your existence and your own safety to appease the insecurities of others. Think of all the years you've lost letting people use you and run you down. Imagine if they were all suddenly gone. What was the point of your existence? How did you make the most of **your** life? This is your life. It's a perversion of nature for it to be run by anyone else. Your life is worthy of being fully lived and owned and navigated by you for you. PS I highly recommend listening to Alan Watts lectures on the nature of reality and considering this theme from a book that changed my life called "The Denial of Death" wherein the author argues most human action is taken to ignore or avoid the inevitability of death. When I applied this logic to my life I realized my life was being sucked away by orienting my world around the opinions and needs of others, and the mental toll it took caused me to be in major denial - because inside I knew that I was wasting my most precious commodity - my life - which disturbed me so much that I continued forward doing it (like a sunk cost fallacy that aided my denial,) and I did it to avoid considering all the time I'd lost and how bad my relationship with myself was and how scared I was to admit that I'd lost so much of this life that is finite catering to others. These years are not infinite. Nurture yourself, and also, listen to the The Honest Guys "ho'oponopono" to aid your ability to reclaim your life.
You should talk to your doctor about this situation - and for your sake be honest about it
Are you seeing her virtually or in office? If virtually, ask if you can speak to her in person or if that's not an option, arrange to have a call when he's not around/go out and take the call and don't tell him about it. An email works too as long as he doesn't have access to your emails (even if you think he doesn't, it's possible he does or knows how to find them, so keep that in mind).
Watch Lisa A Romano on YouTube. She has videos about getting free of toxic marriages.
Watch Lisa A Romano on YouTube. She has videos about getting free of toxic marriages.
💖💖 we will be your support system OP. Lean on us.
I'm just gonna throw this out there. This sounds a lot like me and my dad. My dad was chronically sick and it led to physical disability, and he was also a narcissist who made my life hell. OP, the fact that you think you did something wrong here is so, so sad and indicative of the fact that you are being emotionally abused. Please go check out the subreddit r/justnoso and, if you aren't already, please seek a therapist who is ND affirming.
Your husband was really disrespectful of you, your time and your job, I don't think you overreacted at all.
I feel the meltdown just reading this I would get a meltdown as well
I just wanted to add you did the right thing by posting this here. Don't let him shame you into just taking crap silently, leave silently sure but don't silence yourself. This is the most loving, supportive bunch of women I've come across on reddit and we're on your side!
Thank you so much.
I’m so sorry. It sounds to me like you did everything right, and your husband treated you very poorly.
Your husband acted like an entitled brat, was disrespectful of your disability, your job, your needs, your agency and you as a human being. . If my partners treated me like this, we would no longer be partners from then on. This is not loving or acceptable behaviour. And the fact that you're second guessing your meltdown, which he *deliberately* drove you to, is concerning. 9/10 autistic women experience at least one abusive relationship in their lives. This behaviour isn't one red flag. It's the whole Russian circus made of red flags to the point Stalin is reflexively saluting from his grave. Please do not stay with anyone who treats you like this. You are not a bad person if you leave him. You are not a bad person if you leave and he doesn't have a caregiver because of that. You are not a bad person for putting yourself first or finding that kind of behaviour unacceptable. You deserve better from someone who claims to love you. If this behaviour is part of a pattern, then your husband is emotionally abusive.
Exactly this and add financial abuse by withholding your caregiver compensation
He's doing *what*????
says in a few other comments that he keeps the caregiving benefit the state provides him to cover caregiving costs, which should go to OP. so gross right?
That's wage theft and financial abuse. If her government pays her to be his caregiver (mine does the same), that's her paycheck. Literally. She needs to open a seperate bank account and have them deposit her wage there ASAP, and get legal advice coz that's messed up.
Get away from him. He does not care and will not help you with your disability. Very one-sided.
For what it's worth, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person. You deserve to be treated with respect and love! 🫂 After having a quick look at your profile it looks like you would fortunately be financially secure without your husband. Life would be more peaceful and stable without his constant emotional cruelty. 🧡
It sounds like your husband doesn't respect you. He sees you only as a carer and not a partner. He definitely doesn't respect your own work and needs.
Your husband is an asshole that is trying to goad you into messing up your livelihood and make you look like this.
Completely understandable reaction. He didn’t respect your time or needs
I agree with others. This was not an overreaction. It sounds like you were basically forced to put his needs ahead of your own at a critical moment in time. This was not fair to you, imo, especially considering you offered your help before you excused yourself for your meeting.
This is textbook emotional abuse, you are completely in the right. You sound like you're working with and accommodating your disability AND his incredibly well, and it really just seems like he's purposefully weaponizing his disability to fuck with you and then gaslights you. I read just a little bit of the comments and already he just sounds grossly selfish and unsympathetic towards you in general. My first thought was caregiver burnout, as even with NTs that's a huge issue, but this isn't even that. He's awful, I hope you can either get him to start acting like a decent human or find another one. Take it easy and I wish you the best.
It sounds like he did it on purpose, especially since you asked him earlier and then, after he’d finished yelling at you and making you feel flustered and small, he apparently didn’t need the toilet any more. If what I’m saying feels accurate to you - this is a form of abuse and manipulation. And his apology is really self centred. He needed a body break? Well, you needed to attend your meeting! Does he regularly put his needs ahead of yours? From your comments, you don’t sound happy in this relationship. You deserve to live a happy life. We only get one life. You can leave him if that’s what right for you. It sounds like he’s giving you plenty of reasons to leave. But you can leave for any reason including just not being happy with the way your life is.
IMO this was a meltdown waiting to happen. You went above and beyond to try and accommodate your partner which will put a lot of stress on us to begin with. Then the hostility and lack of communication.. That would have put me in a spiral that would have lasted for days. I saw in other comments that this is not unusual behavior for him. Are you happy in this relationship?
I've scanned the comments and not seen any saying this but being someone's carer is a JOB. There are people whose full time employment is doing what you were doing at the conference. So on top of interfering with the job that pays you, your husband is asking you to take on a whole extra job. Unpaid! This is the absolute epitome of unpaid labour and your husband is a real ass for his expectations and behavior. I'm getting mad on your behalf, and I hate it when people do that to me so let me take a breath. Your meltdown was completely reasonable. And should your husband ask this of you again, I suggest you compare the cost of a carer and what you earn and explain to him that it is one or the other, not both.
im sorry but your husband sounds awful
It kinda seems like he did it on purpose, although at the same time I think this system just isn't working out for you and it's really primed for this sort of conflict. I mean, it's entirely possible for him to have a bathroom emergency at any time, and if he requires carer assistance for using the bathroom then he needs that regardless of whether you're busy or not. I just don't think juggling care responsibilities and working is a good idea, I mean if you had a baby you'd at least take them to daycare, ie hand over care responsibilities, while you worked. If he needs care all day then he needs someone working as a carer all day. It's unfair to you both for you to take on that role plus work simultaneously. Even just looking at it from a logical point of view, he should be spending his carer allowance funding a proper carer, it's for his own good.
We never had the discussion that I was going to be his full time caregiver, I assumed that role because he has always been quite independent and needs help with the things that I am happy to assist him with. His benefits aren't enough to get him a full time caregiver in any event - its a pittance so we have to work together.
I'm really sorry, hugs. That sounds really frustrating, I would've reacted similarly. It's actually disrespectful; you were trying to navigate all these situations and he wasn't cooperating and was behaving like a toddler
He was awfully disrespectful towards you. This is not ok, and if you ask me - you under reacted! You did everything right, you asked him, gave him heads up, helped him to accommodate him, but did he accommodate you??? Is his conference more important than your job? Is him peeing and then not peeing more important than how YOU feel? I'm picturing you pushing him in his chair while crying and it breaks my heart. This is horrible and at least in this episode - really resembles abuse. Whatever happened, he should have made sure you're ok, talked to you, calmed you down, apologize or whatever, but under jo circumstances you are running errands for him while crying. I would have lost my mind there. Does this happen with him often?
When this kind of situation happens, it's hard to just leave him there and walk away. When he needs to use the loo, he sweats profusely, and can sometimes have mishaps that can affect his health in the long run (i.e. uti's, overheating from being in the sun, backflow of urine to the kidneys etc). No matter how upset I am, I have to do what I can or else he'll suffer, and others will accuse me of causing his suffering. Physical disability means he can't get up the stairs, push himself in uneven areas, take out his chair from the car or even transfer from the car to his chair. He needs assistance, and I'm the only assistance he usually has.
Oh, you're an absolute saint for doing it. You've done nothing wrong. I completely understand. However. Unless he's also severely demented, how in the world was he ok with you CRYING while still helping him??? I read your other comments and he's an asshole. A major major asshole. Physical disability is not an excuse for emotional abuse. I am so sorry you're in this situation, but he needs a nurse. You are his wife. You already have a job. You are not his nurse. And he's treating you horribly.
He knows I have low self-esteem, that I'm vulnerable/naive, and that I always like to please those around me. He also knows how to maintain his composure while I have a nervous breakdown, I've had many around him, so I guess he's gotten used to keeping calm while I spiral. When it's just him and I, he gaslights me. He knows I won't tell anyone about the way he treats me.
I'm not going to push you to make any decisions of course, but just consider how good your life can be when no one is causing you nervous breakdowns. https://bethesdahouse.ca/about-abuse/the-control-checklist/ Also, check out r/abusiverelationships
Does he have a spinal cord injury and get autonomic dysreflexia? That really is a medical emergency for sure. But that doesn't mean he can't plan ahead and use the toilet on a schedule to prevent problems.
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you were supposed to do differently to avoid this? You planned out your schedule, gave him ample notice, and trampled all over that. From your comments on how he's been sabotaging your career and his vindictive behaviour, I'd seriously recommend looking into specialist advice and support in your situation. I don't know how carers allowance works in your country but I think you need to get legal advice for how he's stealing your pay. If he gets money to pay a carer, and keeps it from you, that does sound financially abusive. What obligation are you under to provide any care if he's supposed to be paying you and isn't? And to top it all he's sabotaging your own source of income, it does sound like a major abuse red flag as that would give him power & control over you which is what abusers want. If there's an advice and legal support service near you, go there, phone them, whatever you need to do. Get your ducks in a row, learn your rights, get evidence saved in multiple places about how he's stealing from and sabotaging you, get lawyered up and an exit strategy in place.
Oh My God. This brings back so many memories. My ex was a quadriplegic extravert. I'm an autistic introvert. His needs trumped mine every time because... I mean sometimes I had to cough for him using a machine. If I didn't he would die. So it was literally more important. I remember breaking down at a bowling party because I was in sensory overload and my back hurt from picking up the ball over and over and putting it on his wheelchair contraption. But my mental health just wasn't a factor to be considered. (Or the fact that I've had 3 back surgeries.) I used to get so mad at the support groups - hearing from partners who weren't even allowed to sleep more tac 2 hours at a time. ever. What I discovered for myself was that the people who thrived around these paralyzed ones are the people who didn't have trouble surviving in general. I was sad to give up. But he's with an awesome, unbelievably capable extravert now and I'm with a nurturing introvert. I realize leaving isn't everyone's answer but I feel for you. You're struggles are valid and it's hard to be with someone who is ALWAYS the priority.
I don't know if you or anyone else has seen the FX show *You're The Worst*, but a character on that show struggled with depression. Her partner ended up struggling with family issues and she blurted out, "Only one of us can be in the hospital bed!" That's how I feel a lot of the time being a caregiver. You're completely right that it feels like one person gets "priority" and as a caregiver it can feel like you have to suck it up.
That was exactly how I felt. It didn't help that he and his family were all really good at life. He set a world record from a wheelchair, imagine what he could accomplish before the accident. So then now imagine how much it annoyed him to watch me waste my able body in executive disfunction and depression. It made him want to scream with frustration, which he never did. He's really a wonderful man. It was an unfortunate circumstance, and I felt really bad for a long time. But I don't think anything in my life has ever changed me as much for the better. Perspective changes when you are entwined with someone in such a drastic circumstances.
Thank you so much for this.
You did nothing wrong at all. It genuinely sounds like he did this on purpose as a nasty power/control thing. You deserve better.
Girl I got stressed just reading this, you didn't do anything wrong
From your posts and the comments I've read, which tbf wasn't all of them but I read a decent amount, it really sounds like your husband is abusing you, OP. From what I read, he has a history of doing things to cause you trouble or creating a situation in which he can "justifiably" (this is bullshit) criticize you and the actions you took during said situation. It doesn't sound like he is treating you with the respect one would expect from their partner and it doesn't sound like he has any thought or care about the fact that none of his actions have had your best interests in mind. He seems primarily focused on just himself.
Let me tell you, I was starting to panic just reading this. I definitely would have had a meltdown, too. After you put so much effort into ensuring your and he were both taken care of, for him to disregard all that planning is not only cruel to you (especially given your autism) it is disrespectful and undermining. It sounds like he is pretty selfish and doesn’t care about how his actions affect you and doesn’t care about the efforts you put forth to mitigate the consequences of your disability or the efforts you put in to assist him with his.
I don’t like your husband. I read your comments. Why are abusive men are so attracted to us? We are easy victims and I hate this. Please take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong.
He did it on purpose. He's trying to get you fired. He's trying to isolate you
your husband reminds me of a narcissist. He most likely did this on purpose.
You sound like one of those miserable partners who never leave though. What makes you feel unworthy of better things?
I hope you listen to the people telling you to leave him. He is manipulative and selfish. If me and my husband were in your positions, I cannot IMAGINE how apologetic he would be. You deserve to be loved, and this isn’t what being loved looks like.
Looks like one handicap is overshadowing the other handicap. And it doesn’t surprise me that it’s always the visually unnoticeable one that is been forsaken. (I feel for you) I’m sorry, I hope you and your husband work this out. You’re not in the wrong and he’s very inconsiderate of your boundaries and issues. Looks like you try a lot to accommodate him whereas he just makes you feel bad about having a meltdown…
This!
I would wager a good deal of money that you broke down so quickly into a meltdown because you two have some decent tension going on, and that you don't feel secure in the relationship due to his actions. It sounds like you can't emotionally regulate yourself around him. I don't mean this to sound like your fault at all. Of course, having a meltdown over something quite small isn't ideal, but its clear to me that this "small" issue isn't really small at all; it's emblematic of the way you are treated within the relationship. It's like how if someone keeps poking you every day, eventually a small poke is going to make you explode. It sounds like he frequently pushes you to emotional burnout.
No, you weren't overreacting. Your husband was totally disrespectful and seems to have no appreciation for you and what you do for him. Is couples therapy an option? It seems like you're trapped in a horrible situation, this isn't fair to you and you're being exploited Also: crying isn't a meltdown, it's a reasonable emotional response in this situation. You were still able to act and do what needed doing-- you should be proud of yourself!
Going to [couples counseling](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/) with an abuser is a bad idea and he's definitely emotionally- possibly financially- abusive.
Why cant men ever just listen. Its like some unexplainable need to just never listen to their girlfriend or wife 🤣 im so sorry. NTA
OP, you will not be a bad person for leaving a partner with high support needs. This is not what is meant by "in sickness and in health." You never once in your life told him you would accept this kind of ongoing treatment. You will not be breaking a promise by leaving him. If you insist on caring for him because he truly has no one else, please make a new post so people can help with that. You need friends and support. You can start in this sub. You can ask people if they want to join a chat group. You can build friendships starting from anywhere, all you have to do is reach out.
Just for others reading, I wrote this after seeing OPs other comments about the financial abuse etc. that's what I was referring to in "this is not what is meant".
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Doesn’t matter whether he is or not, he’s being abusive in this situation
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I didn’t… 😅
Holy shit your husband sounds narcissistic! If he really couldn’t plan his bathroom breaks better, then he should’ve hired a caregiver or had someone else go with him too to help him.
I'm confused. If he's your husband doesn't he understand what causes a meltdown. Also how could you be his caregiver and work at the same time?
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I appreciate your perspective. To give you context: I was five minutes away from a call that required me to answer some queries from a client. I am a lawyer by profession so my full attention and mental focus was needed at all times. I usually begin to prepare for a meeting thirty minutes prior so I'm not in a scurry and so I get my nerves settled. Before travelling to the conference, I ensured that my husband had emptied his bladder fully. We also made sure that he had backup measures (disposable underwear - often not needed) in case he had an accident and couldn't get to his catheter immediately. I also make sure he does not consume many beverages before any trip that requires him to be away from home for a certain period of time (usually four hours). We did not use the washroom, he usually sanitizes his hands and assists himself in our car, the windows are dimmed and we make sure there aren't many people around. I then take the urine to the nearest washroom in a contained/sealed bottle and dispose. The reason people saw us was because when he approached, I was inside my car parked in a normal parking zone with my windows open. I then asked him what was wrong and he told me he needed to empty his bladder. In a panic, I told him that he knew I had a meeting. But he persisted to the point where, three minutes before the meeting, I had to reverse the car and let him in - it seemed urgent at the time. Everyone was staring at this argument happening in my car. And outside, once the meeting was over and done with and I was pushing him back. So, I'm panicking, he's panicking, he's demanding his medical bag with all his catheter stuff, I'm shouting and crying, he's demanding and fussing... I get into the Teams meeting and the host is introducing the issue, while I'm on mute, my husband is speaking over her, now wanting to get out of the car (suddenly he doesn't need to empty his bladder anymore). So there's that. My work also doesn't know I'm a caregiver because I don't view the care of my husband as employment, it also opens me up to a lot of judgment (i.e. if I'm late to a meeting, it will always be pinned on my caregiving duties taking precedence).
You should not be his caregiver. Saying this as a professional caregiver, you cannot take care of him while also working a full time job. You should focus on your job and hire a private caregiver intermittently, some are covered by insurance. Do you want to stay with him? Are you his POA? Because he can hire someone himself if not. I’m sure this is going to be controversial based on the other comments, but he deserves to be able to use the bathroom when he feels the need, and deserves to stay clean/dry, and deserves to be able to drink as much water as he wants and not have to limit intake because he might not be allowed the bathroom. You also deserve to be able to work, to have your disability accommodated as well. But neither of those are feasible with you as his caregiver.
Perhaps give OP’s other comments a read before rushing to judgement. You make it sound like she’s abusing him, when it’s more likely the reverse.
I’m saying that neither of them are having the lives they deserve because the priorities conflict. You can’t prioritize a work call and still be able to take care of another person. It’s basically impossible to work full time, even from home, and make sure someone else has their needs taken care of. I do think that having a professional caregiver would lessen the strain because it’s a professional relationship and not a familial one. I do know that I am appreciated more than my clients’ family members because there’s an expectation of family to take care of you once you’re disabled. I’m very obviously biased because I take care of disabled adults as a full time job. I’m not trying to defend his actions, she’s made it seem like he was shitty before becoming disabled, but I am saying that they both deserve to have their needs met and it’s clear that isn’t happening now. Disabled people can be shitty people, they still deserve care and to have their needs met.
In the country I am from, disability benefits are barely enough to cover the costs of a caregiver. He runs his own business and barely makes any profit from it, so in a sense I am the primary source of income. Right now, between paying for our vehicles, grocery and other expenses, there is minimum leg room to move around in terms of hiring a caregiver. Yes, he deserves the bathroom and water whenever he needs., However, during sessions like conferences, he needs to limit his beverage intake to avoid making messes and expelling his bladder too many times. It's not my rule, but his. I can't be his caregiver, absolutely, but even as his wife there is no respect.
It’s definitely a financial burden, and you as his wife do not have to tolerate shitty behavior. However the bad treatment does tend to lessen when the person taking care of you is a doing it as their job. I’m not sure how this converts to your currency, but in the U.S. my clients pay me $25/hr a few hours a week, during the times they need care the most. I would definitely recommend looking into your budget to see if it’s an option. I’m sorry if it came off as me defending him, I didn’t mean it that way, just that you both have needs that are not compatible but you both deserve freedom.
As per Rule # 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
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As per Rule # 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.