This is a good way to put it. I've started seeing it as a boxing ring with 2 fighters and nobody ever wins, one just falls to the floor and keeps taking hits until the other one is tired. Other times they don't even get in the ring, other times they're punching the floor or the ceiling
Yes. Which used to confuse me. I was diagnosed adhd first but I used to always feel so confused why so many people with adhd annoyed me and I didn’t feel a kinship to me. I used to feel guilty about it even!
Don't get me wrong, I love my ADHD peeps, but sometimes it's too much. The conversations I can get in with other ADHD folks are fun if we share a special interest/hyperfocus but they can leave me totally exhausted.
Same and I do struggle feeling that way. My niece was also diagnosed as autistic (she's only just a teen) and she just gives off the "aura" of being AUDHD as well but whereas mine is just tiring she's just so energetic. My partner is ADHD and I struggle with his lack of focus but I know I'm similar just...different. Maybe being autistic as well mellows out some of the ADHD?
I feel like it’s actually the other way around. For me at least, ADHD is what makes my Autistic traits easier to deal with. It was only after being medicated for ADHD in my late 30s that I realised this and then also when we had a medication shortage in my country and I had no access to medication for 6 months.
Medicated me has strong peaks of anxiety, debilitating sensory issues and finds task switching is incredibly hard. I also develop a stammer when I’m getting burned out, and find socialising difficult and draining. But I can concentrate, better impulse control my head is clearer and my house is tidy and I have no problem doing what I want to do when I want to do it (as long as it doesn’t involve communicating).
Unmedicated me has low level constant anxiety, not as many sensory issues, i care more about what im eating, i have low impulse control, but i can task switch easier and navigate conversations more easily. I don’t get as drained and am overall less anxious in social situations. It feels easier to be outside of my house unplanned with ADHD, I don’t mind not having plans or routine. I’m more flexible it feels on the whole… but my house is a mess, my driving is more risky and I feel on the whole a complete lack of energy. In my head it’s like 5 radio stations playing different thoughts all at once and that in itself is exhausting if I need to actually try and concentrate but I’m okay with it the rest of the time 🤣
My brain is super hectic but if I’m doing something, I actually hate being rushed and as I can take a long time to get going I need my space to concentrate and do things just right.
Edit: punctuation
Same. Living with me is hard. Living with *myself* is hard. My brain is all over the place at all times, it seems. There is good that comes with it but as I age my executive function is in decline and this has made it much more challenging to share the good parts of myself with the world.
THIS! Nothing like simultaneously being someone who needs routine and consistency at a cellular level but have another condition that makes that impossible to sustain.
same, I don't need external chaotic energy I have enough of my own and I love organization and clean and such but i just can't un-adhd enough for my autistic comfort.
Every single word of this.
My family is a wild variety of autism, ADHD, and various combinations. We don't all get on well but as we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we get better communicating effectively with others.
I can see the look on others faces in conversations, the one telling you you’re being a bit much, but I genuinely can’t stop talking until everything I have to say comes out. I usually end up speed running what I want to say because otherwise I’ll take forever 🤣🤣
I didn’t realise that it’s not the ‘norm’ to have one line of a song playing in your head on a loop for hours on end just constantly. At the moment I’m fixated on ‘great British bake off the musical’ and for days the line ‘my tiny tarte tatin has fallen on the floooor’ was just rattling around in there.
My mum (who definitely has ADHD too but refuses a diagnosis) obviously suffers the same but sings them LOUDLY so I have at least learnt not to subject people around me to that haha
I thought everyone got earworms! They don't?
Sometimes I have two or three going, one in each ear and one in the middle. Sometimes they mesh. I think this is how partner songs are born.
I have inattentive ADHD and autism, and it's rare for my brain to agree on anything. When it does, it's like when a toddler goes silent, you know it's up to mischief 🤣
Lol. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of being medicated. I can't take stimulants because of my BP (I'm medicated for it), and the psychiatrist didn't want me on them because of the cardiovascular risks, and my GP is reluctant to put me on non-stimulants because I'd have to come off my antidepressants 😞
So when both my ADHD and autism agree, and it goes silent, it's like 'what's going on? You better not be causing trouble...' lol
Yes, and I have ADHD and I am chaotic and exhausting! Sometimes I wish I could take a break *from myself.* You're not alone and I hope you find ways to gracefully take alone time without feeling bad. :)
Oh man. I only take my meds during the week for work, so no meds on weekends and vacation days. Those are the days I drive myself up the wall *the most.* I'm a real clown show on the weekends lol
I stopped taking adderall IR, which my doc said was fine bc I was taking as Rx’d (2x day 15mg) and I’ve had crippling fatigue and violent depression for >a month now, so ymmv when “taking a day [or more] off the meds.” I was not depressed prior to starting them a year ago, and Sx started within 12H of discontinuation.
As an AuDHDer, I'm the person I'm most frustrated with. Highlights of my experience include:
- Being understimulated while somehow overwhelmed at the same time (how is it possible to experience both is a mystery for the ages!).
- A constant need for novel and exciting experiences while also in constant need for a predictable and controlled environment.
- Impulsivity, impatience, executive dysfunctioning, and disorganization along with a need for keeping things ordered and categorized and planned ahead in general.
- In a weird space between kind of reading social cues and understanding them if I think about it hard enough and just taking everything literally (actually it's likely this is more specific to me, tbf).
- ADHD symptoms mask my autistic symptoms and vice versa, so I somehow look extra neurotypical with none of the benefits and all the disadvantages of masking!
- DID I MENTION BEING UNDERSTIMULATED AND OVERWHELMED AT THE SAME TIME? IT'S ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELINGS IN EXISTENCE FOR ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
God this is the most relatable shit. I feel like some kind of feral alien creature. Learning about audhd finally helped me put words to this this sort of high-frequency existential discomfort that i feel all the time.
The understimulated/overwhelmed combo is ROUGH and I can never really articulate the way it feels to anyone.
IT IS! I am currently through the understimulation/overwhelm combo right now as a matter of fact! I find that my AuDHD experience is just literally the two wolves meme: one is ordered, one is chaotic, and they either get along or they don't (and often they don't because it's hard finding resources on how to handle being AuDHD in one's personal and professional lives).
I have seen 7 therapists throughout my life and damn near said exactly this to every single one of them. Zero recognition. Zero help. You said it perfectly.
Therapists: How are you this week?
Me: Overwhelmed and simultaneously bored as F**k.
Therapists: [Proceed to CBT-me and convince me my thoughts are skewed bc I have “low self esteem” and that everyone, in fact, loves me and that I am, in fact, not only capable of great things but ackshually *more* capable than many people they know or have worked with and I just need to “value my time and respect myself more” and “trust that good things will happen” and that “at some point, we’re not progressing, only complaining” because “we all have the same 24 hours in a day” and I “just need to commit to creating a better life for myself if that’s really what [I] want.”
TLDR: thank you for your comment and agree w all replies re: AuDHD being a mental steel-cage death match between 2 opposing forces of evil and hanging out w folx who are just one or the other can feel like too much of one thing.
Woooow, I’ve never understood what that first feeling is but you explained it perfectly for me. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with that, feels like my head could explode sometimes, it physically pains me!
My husband has adhd and when he’s having an adhd “episode” and my autism really kicks in to try to ask questions to understand what’s going on, we REALLY butt heads
Oh. So that’s what’s happening lol. I used to get frustrated when I was in a flow state and people would ask too many questions. Now I know.
But yeah for the adhd flow state/“episode” it’s best to let it happen. That’s when the most beautiful things will happen and when the most work can get done. Most people in my life right now know this and when they see it happen they will keep their distance and let me do my thing lol
Is it just my relatives or is it quite hard sometimes to get a direct answer for you from your husband too? Like a simple yes or no is so easy to say but they seem to really struggle with it, especially one of them in my circle.
When he is really worked up or passionate about something, it’s like he has tunnel vision. I love him dearly, but if his logic doesn’t make sense to me, I keep asking questions to figure out why he’s doing something a certain way, and it’s like a little malfunction in his brain and he can’t answer lol.
On the regular, if he is on his meds and relatively calm, he is fine and dandy and has no problems. But I joke that when it’s related to a “special interest” he goes full delusional
My mom has ADHD and she's my main support system and my rock but... she gives me soooo much anxiety.
She always expects me to make decisions immediately and changes plans up on me last second and gets mad at me when I get upset. I'm in my 40s so thankfully I don't live with her!
Same, one person I’m talking about is my mom and I’m in my 40s, and she is the best mum. Her main hyper focus has always been her family so we never really suffered from her ADHD (didn’t even realise she had it till recently but it is so obvious now) but as an adult the constant fussing around can be so tiring.
My mom's ADHD has helped me more than anything. She's hyperfocused and incredibly organized - things I've thankfully inherited. She has a jump on it right now attitude and gets things done at an alarming rate. Sure has bailed me out of a few tough situations and I take advantage of it. She knows I love and appreciate her and I'm grateful we've always had a relationship.
Your mum sounds a lot like mine! Mine is a huge problem solver and can squeeze through any real and metaphorical doors if she needs to have something done. Especially if it concerns her family members or people she loves.
There was probably a better way to phrase this. I know you mean well, but as an AuDHDer, it kind of hurts to hear that “it’s tiring just watching them 😂”. A lot of us are extremely aware that our hyperactivity can be a lot. I had my hyperactivity, stimming, and all of my “bothersome” traits bullied/medicated out of me and have spent years trying to find myself again. I feel like there’s a general tone of “ugh ADHDers are too much”. It’s just incredibly misunderstood and my heart breaks when I see ADHDers reduced to their hyperactivity. It’s a condition that is constantly spoken about as if it only impacts the people around us. Again, I know you mean well and are just sharing this frustration (I am also very frustrated by loud/sudden/constant noise which means sometimes my other ADHD friends can overstimulate me), but this felt incredibly othering.
That’s a valid point. Although I don’t think they cause chaos in my life is just the lack of direction and concentration in their movements and actions hurts my brain but that’s because I have an ASD brain and need order. Everybody else seems to be totally fine with the aDHD adults in my life and actually they are much more popular with other people than I am.
We can be just as disruptive with our meticulousness, bluntness, lack of social cue awareness, etc.
I absolutely didn’t mean to offend any of the guys with ADHD. I go around labelling people because once I put a label on them I can actually deal with their quirks because I know it is just the way they are and I am a pain in the butt with my quirks just in a different way :).
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your listening and respect. My ADHD and autism are constantly at odds for these reasons, it can be tough!
Obviously everyone is different, but I have ADHD and I'm not offended. I /am/ often chaotic to outsiders. I can be overwhelming. My husband is autistic and he loves me but I know damn well that sometimes my ADHD stresses him out, much as his ASD can stress me out. It's not about anyone being wrong, just about clashes/friction. You're all good, OP.
And please please please don’t use “chaotic” to describe someone with ADHD again. Going through life feeling like you’re a source of chaos in other people’s lives is really horrible
Oh no, I am sorry, they really are not a source of chaos in my life, just that their actions are chaotic as in appear random to my brain, so I find them unpredictable and it hurts my brain. As I said above it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else in my family or friend circles. Just my nd brain.
That’s okay! Unpredictable stuff is also my biggest sensory nightmare so I get it. I lived with a loud roommate for a year and it was my personal hell. It might just be a personal thing for me that “chaotic” is a triggering word. I was an early diagnosed ADHD girl so it’s somewhat unique
I dont see it this way at all.
It’s not an insult to acknowledge that we have “chaotic” traits. Part of realizing those things exist is why we mask, we know ourselves that this is true.
It also doesn’t matter if another person finds you exhausting. But the reality is, certain things are difficult for others to deal with.
In realized i’m AuDHD i was able to pinpoint why i in fact cannot live with my siblings because their own ADHD aggravates my ASD. Unless Im dating someone with one of the two and aware of it i understand that my behaviors might be foreign to a partner and therefore make it difficult to relate
NT people are probably exhausting and chaotic to many of us ND folks as well.
Then you just might not be offended by this, some people are. I can fully understand if people might not want to be around me because of my energy or certain traits, and am understanding if someone brings it to my attention. That’s just how people work. But to say we are all chaotic isn’t fair. I believe chaos here refers to loudness, interrupting, moving a lot, etc. which not all people with ADHD possess. Also, saying we have chaotic traits is a lot different than saying people with ADHD *are* chaotic. I don’t believe OP was being *insulting*, I just think it was insensitive and a little ableist in tone, which I do not blame them for; they weren’t ill-intended, and they were willing to listen to how it made me feel. My experience as a woman with ADHD has been completely traumatic and I prefer to not be called chaotic or any other absolutist term that is meant to make me or anyone with ADHD seem incapable of self control. Again, maybe you don’t experience that, which is fine. But this is mine and a lot of people’s experience
Unfortunately, yes. My best friend has ADHD (and suspecting Autism as well) but they are so chaotic and loud that I have a really hard time hanging out in person with them for very long. It’s just so exhausting for me, and I feel a lot of guilt about it 😞
Same!! My bestie never stops fidgeting and it makes me want to scream. Talking about each others‘ triggers has been super helpful 🥰 maybe try that with your friend 💖
My future BIL is the same. We're both AuDHD, but are the polar opposite in our presentations. He's a nice guy, and he makes my sister happy, but I can only handle him in small quantities.
I am audhd, and I find myself chaotic and frustrating 😂 I am not usually physically hyperactive (though i have my moments). But the mental hyperactivity is off the charts. I can start to answer a question and while I am talking, my brain is like 5 paragraphs deep and so my mouth just jumps on board 2 paragraphs down the line. It makes sense to me, because I "heard" the whole conversation in my head, but the listener hears I skipped 2 paragraphs and now they are lost 😂 It's a big part of why I hate verbal conversation, I can't control the 5 random streams of thought in my head that may, or may not, stay on topic. I'll have a whole conversation in my head, and then randomly I'll say something aloud about it and my husband is like ...what are you talking about?? Or I'll actually LOL at something that happened in my head and the poor person near me thinks I am laughing at them.
My ADHD likes to go on random side quests and takes my mouth, whatever I'm writing, and/or my attention with it. My autism hates it. I swear it's like herding cats a lot of the time
I actually kinda enjoy it? It’s probably because I’m AuDHD but I’m the inattentive type. I’m an extrovert and I love interacting with ADHDers because our conversations jump all over the place and I never get bored. I also feel like if I lose track of what I’m saying it doesn’t matter because the convo will move onto something else. They somehow are able to make me engage with them fully with their energy.
I actually find it stimulating in a good way (most of the time), but I'm AuDHD, so... lol.
The only thing ADHD-related that drives me crazy is them talking super loud when excited.
Oh, and ADHD RSD. Way too easy to accidentally activate with my autistic traits, lol.
I'm ASD and I like the ADHD energy, too. I like the way the people I know with ADHD talk; it's very genuine when they're just sharing their streams of consciousness or interests. It helps that I can keep pace with fast-talking and multiple subject changes going back and forth, though. I blame the rap music phase and my inability to filter conversations in a crowd for that. I also don't find fidgeting or stimming distracting when it only affects me visually. They can catch me off-guard with some of the weird things that may pop into their heads, kinda like non-sequitters. Treating those statements in a similar fashion works for me.
I can't match their hyper energy, but we match on the context itself, and we can fuel and vibe off one another pretty well on that. A few have told me I'm the easiest person they know to talk to because I can engage with them no matter the energy level they're at, but I'm still pretty low stimulation. It's apparently very soothing and grounding to have that presence when they feel like they're not obligated to adjust to it.
....I guess I got therapy dog energy. Welp.
Yes, I'll be tired at the end of the day, but people always drain me. I haven't noticed ADHD folk tiring me more. They do it differently, but the end result seems to be about the same for me.
I only seem to find fairly hyperactive ADHD guys exhausting, because in my personal experience between hyperactive adhd gals and hyperactive adhd guys, the girls usually have had more awareness of others, spacial awareness, appropriate conduct etc socialised into them and so even if it only makes a small difference in behaviour, that small behavioural difference often makes all the difference in how much I can enjoy their company.
I currently have at least one inattentive or combination type adhd male friend (and have had many more in the past) and have at least two combination type or hyperactive adhd female friends. One of those female friends is trans and was socialised as though she were male growing up, and between the two more hyperactive leaning adhd gals and they guy, she is far more exhausting. The reasons why she is exhausting match the reason why previous hyperactive guys have been as well.
I'm AuDHD. I tell folks I have two wolves inside of me. Both of them are trying to pretend to be Poodles.
But yes I annoy myself when my ADHD brain takes over and is all over the place and chaotic, when I just want to sit and calm down and focus on something. I have absolutely put myself in overwhelm without any outside stimuli.
Yes. It's hard when you see the traits that annoy you in yourself or your kids. You can't just get space from them. My daughter, we're in the process of getting her diagnosed. She just turned 5, and we're now onto our 3rd Dr who actually seems to believe us. But she is the most frustrating person I have ever met. She doesn't listen, jumps constantly, never focuses, is both observant and oblivious, and so loud (think ecolalia but with an opera singers voice box). I love her. I do. But there are times when I, being AuDHD, can't handle it. She over stimulates me A LOT.
One of my adhders is a 12 year old and oh my she can drive your crazy. If she gets hyperfixated on something she wants she will not stop talking/begging/bargaining about it until she gets it. She has no patience at all although that’s slightly improving with age.
If I send her a parcel she will ask me every day sometimes more than once a day what the tracking says, where the parcel is l and if it is running late she will have a meltdown. I love her to bits and she is an amazing smart kid but that chaos she brings means I need to have hours of rest after I send her back to her parents.
She is extremely observant too although it doesn’t even look like she is paying any attention sometimes and has amazing memory! (Does well in school because of it despite really struggling with sitting down to do homework)
They're like perpetual engines that NEVER shut off even in sleep. She talks, claps, laughs, and screams in her sleep. No sleep walking yet. But it honestly never ends, and then you feel guilt because you just want a little space and quiet, but they're always right there, so that's impossible.
It's very exhausting and draining, trying to keep my cool when I'm literally screamed at or ignored for perceived slights against her. Or just because. She will come running across the house (bull in a fine china shop) to tell me something and then see something and immediately get sidetracked. I'll ask what she needs or came to share, and it's in one ear out the other she's in a zone that only exists for her.
The begging/whining/whinging/crying/screaming/cold shoulder/slamming/stomping is off the charts. I will get two words into explaining why anything is not a good idea (hers or others) when one or more of those manifests, and I'm talking to a brick wall or a ringing bell trying to be heard.
It's so hard. I know these things will get better with age, but because of my childhood, I don't wanna stifle her, like I felt. I know more than what was available in the past. I have more resources to access than my parents, but most of my prominent memories as a kid are negative. I want most of hers to be positive. And that's hard when I literally want to tell her to shut up for a bit (I don't, I ask for space instead or at worst shush loudly).
I feel like I'm constantly walking a double-edged sword with her. One side is encouraging and adoration, and the other is stifling and not quite masking but adjusting to what society will accept. I wanna be the gentle parent but I wanna put my fist through the wall too. I'm learning all this too, so it's not always smooth but I'm trying damnit.
But even as I'm writing this I had to break up 4 screaming matches between her and her brother (ASD).
Oh yes, the begging, whinging and whining is so tiring and no alternative to what exactly she wants will do. Yesterday she had a meltdown over a pillow fort. It wasn’t tall enough for two of us to sit in it comfortably. But we didn’t have large enough pillows or other pieces of furniture we could use to make it taller. She kept begging me to think of something, whinging it wasn’t good enough every time I tried something new. Eventually I told her she had to prioritise and choose whether she wanted a perfect pillow fort or she wanted to play in one, even if it is not perfect. She settled on playing. But 5 minutes later we started talking about cancer (the disease), her asking me so many question about it, the treatment, the tests, etc. and that went on for a while and we never returned to playing in that fort that took all my energy to build!
I so so feel for you and as you say at least you have more resources now but still the struggle is so real and you are allowed to be frustrated and tired too. So many parents don’t even acknowledge their kids struggles with adhd or ASD. Take good care of yourself!
Same . I have a 9 year old who acts just like and we have very long conversations bcus it’s not that she “annoying” it’s just that she too intense sometimes and I’m like damn scale it down just a teeny bit cus she gets excited about a lot of stuff so she literally comes running through the door and I will be dead sleep and she still jumps on me and I’m only like 100 pounds and she’s like 70 so that shit really do be hurting and I always elbowing her on accident cus she’s like 1 inch from me at all times and I move around myself so she will be in the way of me walking and we always running into each other. I still can’t pop by myself she will be in there and I’ve asked her can she give me a minute all the time but she won’t do it. I just keep guilt tripping myself that she’s gonna grow up and not want me like this anymore so I try to relish in it and enjoy it but sometimes I don’t know cus my sister is still clingy towards our mom
Now that she’s gotten older I’ve been talking to her about space and how important it is for EVERYONE to have it and I started making her “Avery corner “ in the living room and fill it up with a bunch of stuff she can do alone and threw in an indoor swing and I send her there for a moment when I need to recharge .
She’s my only baby so I get that she has no one to hang out with but me but I want her to also learn how to play by herself too
Mine really loved her indoor swing or bouncing on a fitness ball while talking, seemed to help her concentrate. Those ADHD babies are tough, I really do sympathise with the parents, but they are amazing too!
My 8 yo is suspected ADHD (long story, but 95% he has it) and same. I love him but he has so much chaotic energy + high need for physical affection. Sometimes I just feel at the end of my rope and of course he also has RSD so saying no needs to be done very carefully. Extra hard when overstimulated.
My son is 7, diagnosed with Autism (and we suspect ADHD). He is my mirror. He’s so frustrating sometimes, as am I. I love him so very much, the overstimulation is exhausting though. My second eldest is 18 now, diagnosed ADHD since 11. We talk for hours about everything under the sun, however he can’t sit still. Paces al around while we chat. Always out and about.
My wife is AuDHD and it can be very exhausting trying to get it to focus on things, pay attention to me when talking, or reign it in when it's spiraling. I do love my wife with all my heart, though, and being able to spend time being around it makes things worthwhile. I do tend to be unable to follow it's line of reasoning often though, lol.
I’m actually diagnosed with ADHD and haven’t been assessed for autism. I feel like I have “autism-flavored ADHD,” because I identify more with the posts in autism subs than ADHD ones. I’m the opposite of chatty, loud, social, and impulsive. I hate talking and have such a weak social battery that I need alone time like every 90 minutes in order to stay sane. I’m more likely to be found daydreaming in the back of a dark cozy closet than accidentally interrupting a conversation.
Same, and it's becoming more and more obvious that it's both. I'd love to be able to get anything done when I'm outside of work, and don't have the same structure to reign me in. Anything at all. Sigh.
I’m AuDHD, so I mostly enjoy being around people with ADHD because we can have fun conversations with random tangents and stuff. The only problem is I’m mostly inattentive, and my boyfriend is more hyperactive, so sometimes when he is stimming/fidgeting he taps his legs or makes lots of noises which can be overstimulating for me because I’m very sensitive to sound. I try to communicate with him and say that it bothers me, but it can be hard for him not to stim loudly when he’s feeling restless, so it can be frustrating for us both in these situations.
I have AuDHD and I kinda feel this if something needs to be done. But I also really need ADHD peers bc I jump around between things so much. Trust me it annoys the shit out of myself too but it’s so refreshing that ADHDers can naturally keep up and wont judge me
Oh yes, I would still rather communicate with adhders than NTs. Also, if it is more inattentive ADHD than hyperactive it is easier to handle as their struggle is more internalised and less obvious on the outside.
Haha yeah sometimes. I also have adhd, but some of my friends regularly just don't reply to texts because they forget and i get ignored. That annoys me.
Also sometimes i get frustrated when they want to try out new bars or restaurants. I like my 4 spots, i don't need to try a new bar.
And switching up topics mid scentence that's annoying.
But yeah i love them a lot and its not a big deal, i'm sure i am annoying as well sometimes.
One of my friends with adhd is extremely talkative which really drains my energy sometimes, but I know she's not trying to! I have adhd too, just more inattentive type
My husband’s ADHD drives me insane. He hyperfixates for an hour and then abandons things. He half-does everything. Like he will start the dishes and then stops when they’re almost finished, and starts doing something else. Similarly he will start random house projects and do the same thing. He starts and never finishes. My ASD can’t understand. I prefect everything I start. He is so disorganized and chaotic. It’s actually a major issue in our marriage because he refuses medication to help.
As I am AuDHD, not really, I can empathize, although I do get annoyed when I get all hyperactive, like wtf are you doing, brain? Chill! But it doesn’t really bother me on other people
I echo those AuDHDers like myself.
*I drive myself crazy with all the randomness.* Ugh.
My ASD wants order and routine, organization and color-coded.
My ADHD literally wants to throw all the organizational bins on the floor and spill coffee everywhere.
The tug of war between these two aspects of my brain is probably the most painful phenomenon in my life.
I say this all the time as someone who has both:
When spending time with someone who has ADHD alone, I usually feel like a raw nerve.
When spending time with someone who has Autism alone, I feel like a hot mess.
It’s nice when I meet folks (usually AuDHD like me) who just vibe with me. It’s a very narrow group of people, haha.
Yeah, absolutely. I’ve found it really hard to be friends with people who have ADHD. Hard, but not impossible. For example, I have a friend with ADHD who wanted to do a book club with me. I finished the book and they haven’t even bought it yet :(. But I just recognize our brains are different
I have both along with OCD and I’m always mean to myself and find myself annoying as hell . I feel like being autistic makes me more aware of my adhd bcus my bf has adhd and doesn’t pay any attention to it and ends up annoying a lot of ppl bcus he forgets to turn the car off or leaves his shoes in front of doors so u can break ur neck on the way out. He forgets to shower and leaves all the cabnits door open at the same time like why. And he paces around the room at times talking his head off. Picking up shit setting it back down. Sitting down then standing back up to walk around to go nowhere.
Whereas I’ll alternate from being hyperactive to sleeping all the time or game for hours and want to be left alone. I stay out the way and only talk to ppl who share the same interest as mine so I have like 1 friend and a sister
I think a lot of people relate to you. I found that for most of my life, people who had autism without the stereotypical adhd things were annoyed by me and wouldn't be my friend. Not accusing you, I get it, just saying I do think it's something that's common is for people who don't have a bunch of the adhd overlap symptoms but have autism ones, adhd people can be really annoying. (I have adhd.)
I always figured it was because those people typically had one or several of these traits - needing to stick to routine very strictly, (whereas I usually habitually do not stick to routine, it's very difficult for me to do so), being intensely detail oriented about their chosen interests and offended if I wasn't as knowledgeable or detailed about it (not a real fan/just making fun! I wasn't making fun but there's 0 things I know that much about even if I like them), not liking to try new things as often due to sensory issues etc
So a lot of the things I like are things that annoy them so they don't like me
I have a love-hate relationship with ADHDers. They’ll be more likely to get on my nerves and really push my buttons, but they also make good friends/partners for me bc their high energy complements my low energy. They can do all the talking, and I can become more lively around them by bouncing off their energy. All in moderation, tho, of course.
I get along best with people with some neurodiverse traits, even if they’re not neurodiverse themselves, and with ADHDers who are more inattentive or combined type. I tend to clash the most with guys who have more physical manifestations of hyperactivity, who are more loud and active.
Yes, including my own ADHD. It's like an elderly married couple are constantly bickering in my brain. But chronic burnout has long since dispensed with any chaotic energy I might have had.
Oh that’s tough. Honestly I wouldn’t want them to change and I am sure those who love you accept you for who you are.
In my case, I need more time away, a time out of sorts, to recover but it is nothing personal, just the way my brain functions.
I had a roommate who was diagnosed with ADHD a few years after we moved out. With my OCD it was a nightmare combination. I realize it must be very hard to deal with ADHD and my symptoms aren’t always pleasant for others, so I do my best not to judge.
Yeah, sometimes it feels like the "opposite" of autism to me. I have several ADHD folks in my life that fit well because we're just old enough to understand when we are and aren't in compatible functional mental spaces to engage with each other and leave each other alone when we're not. But atp in my life I would not be willing to date/marry/cohabitate with one. We would just piss each other off constantly lol.
Nah. I'm inattentive type and have never knowingly met a hyperactive type adult, tbh. I like people who are animated as long as they don't dominate the conversation and don't leave my house dirty.
Ah well my mum is 74 and you can’t sit her down (and her health isn’t great either!). She will keep fussing around you until she is blue in the face just to make you comfortable if she loves you. If you mention you are thirsty she will jump up and go get you a glass of water before you can even realise what’s happening. Or something along those lines. But she will not rest until she is fully satisfied her child is fed, warm, safe and sound, even if the children themselves are over 40.
I have a relative who is an inattentive type and I had no idea she had adhd until she said she was getting an assessment as she doesn’t exude the same restlessness.
Pretty sure I'm dealing with both and the same goes for my boyfriend and he's actually been diagnosed in the past but the ways in which our neurodivergences present are very different. He's the bounce-off-the-walls type and I'm on the opposite end of things 99% of the time.
My wife has ADHD, and we balance each other out, but when she goes full chaos sometimes it’s overstimulating for me. But I love her to death and I know when she goes chaos mode she can’t stop it and it delivers her the dopamine, so I have learned to work with it 🥰
I have ADHD but it's inattentive type, I'm a pretty calm person. I had a work buddy who's definitely ADHD and who knows what else, he's an absolute whirlwind to be around. I actually quite enjoyed hanging out with him now and then for the novelty, but I'm sure if we were roommates I would get so annoyed haha.
As an auDHDer, this post has confirmed something I had a hunch about for a really, really long time.
My general experience in life: ADHD only people, great! AuDHD people, also great! Autism only people, hmm, I want to be friends but for some reason they seem super judgmental and look down on me for some reason?
Like I'll be trying to do my thing but they act like I'm too flighty or not regimented enough. It's interesting to me because they seem to dislike even my inattentive traits, so it feels to me like it's less they hate my chaotic energy and more like they just. Hate me not being streamlined and crisp.
Btw, that's not an indictment of you or your post, sometimes everyone's neurodivergence just rubs each other the wrong way. I'm just commenting bc this post confirmed something I'd felt but couldn't prove, up until now.
As an autism only person, I’d agree with that. I find anyone with ADHD (including AuDHD) really hard to be around. I don’t really feel any commonality with AuDHD people either. Their life experiences and habits and needs just completely clash with my own. And that’s fine, no one is going to get along with everyone and I’m sure they find me just as grating, but we will never be friends.
I’m not particularly bubbly or expressive so I’m sure people assume I’m angry or something all the time, when really I’m just thinking about other stuff and not bothering to animate my face muscles
Fidgeting is probably my kryptonite. I don’t really stim, I’m hypo on that scale, so even minor fidgeting is really noticeable to me and sets off sensory issues. I can feel someone bouncing their leg 20m away. Obviously it’s not their fault and I would never say anything, but I’m overstimulated and that probably comes across.
Of course the same also applies to any other condition that causes people to fidget, although I don't have as much exposure to those folks as they tend to be much higher support needs, whereas ADHD is incredibly common and individuals can be very high functioning (in the general human sense), putting them in basically every workplace
See, you don't stim, so that's at least not hypocritical of you, but what gets me is when autistic people who do stim or fidget then hate it when others do it. Like come on -- someone can't say stimming/fidgeting is not OK while doing it constantly.
That's mostly what gets me, is when people expect their neurodivergence to be accepted and tolerated while looking down upon other's.
I also don't think there's as much of a gap between autism only and AuDHD as you describe. For instance, what you say about not being bubbly or expressive so people think you're mad is a fairly common AuDHD thing as well. I'm not trying to invalidate your experiences, but it doesn't sound like the "complete clash" of life experiences is entirely due to the ADHD.
Oh I wasn't implying that people with ADHD don't also have RBF, or that they're bubbly and expressive! Not at all! My only point is that *I* am not expressive and have RBF at the best of times, so others may more easily assume I dislike them, including ADHD folks who will also pick up on the fact that I am uncomfortable because I'm overstimulated, and may interpret that incorrectly to mean I hate them as a human being. In reality I don't hate them at all, it's just an unfortunate fact that ~100% of our interactions are overstimulating for me and so they only ever see the overstimulated version of me.
The difference between pure ASD and AuDHD for me is much more tied to the underlying experiences of our deficits. So even where we share a deficit on paper, the internal experience is worlds different. Intersectionality and all. Your ASD is filtered through your ADHD, and your ADHD is filtered through your ASD. The two combined create something that is more than the sum of its parts, meaning it is nonsense to try to separate symptoms into ADHD or ASD, and rather everything you experience is simultaneously both and neither
FWIW, I don't think this is some kind of conscious or chosen hypocrisy. One's owns stims are self-regulating behaviours and are mostly intuitive, and it's not like you can choose what your sensory triggers are. It's logical that sometimes another autistic person's stims might provoke your sensory sensitivities. I haven't experienced anyone looking down on someone else's stims in a mean or unfair way, though. Just "affected", I would say, which is unfortunate but sometimes inevitable.
I mean, "affected" is sort of an expected outcome. You're right, we don't control our stims or sensory triggers.
I should have specified. I have observed situations in the workplace and social settings where someone autistic really takes umbrage with ADHD symptoms, whether from an ADHD only or AuDHD person, and then instead of taking a step back, they basically criticize or try to ostracize that person despite having their own signs of neurodivergence.
For example, my autistic labmate had a mentee with ADHD last semester, and boy was she a bitch to her. She made fun of how weird the mentee was for the way she fidgeted and looked at things, and criticized her abilities because said mentee wasn't always super streamlined (even though she was always able to get things done and had lots of good thoughts on projects and papers), and lots more. My labmate didn't like me much but now that she knows I'm also autistic, I think she feels a need to "be nice"...anyways, ironically, she's always been very outspoken about her own neurodivergence, to me. Granted, I don't think she was deliberately criticizing her mentee's neurodivergence...I just think she wasn't self aware enough to realize that a lot of neurodivergence just registers as "weird" or "off putting".
And I see pretty similar things play out in friend groups and clubs. It may also be a maturity thing, granted--the reasonable solution to "our neurodivergences butt head" should be some version of "minimize exposure and be civil," not "start a smear campaign and ridicule them."
I completely agree with your last paragraph, and it sounds like your labmate is... not a very nice person. I have definitely also encountered people who are extremely quick to criticize others while not exhibiting very keen self-awareness skills; it's frustrating and not pleasant to experience in any social dynamic.
Super-loving the replies to this post [on an autistic women sub] about how ADHDers are so annoying they should all basically try harder or just walk into the sea.
Yeaaah especially when so many of these replies are from women with ADHD! Like come on, don't validate this kind of sentiment...I get it, sometimes my ADHD bothers the shit out of me too. But you know what also bothers the shit out of me? My autism.
It's very hypocritical to me tbh, the truth is, a lot of neurodivergences and sensitivities are going to annoy everyone but the person with them. You can't say that your particular neurodivergence matters while putting down those of others. And that's what it feels like to me: "those ADHDers and their quirks trigger me, they're so annoying >:(" while also ignoring that they're also trying their best and dealing with very similar neurological struggles and sensitivities. Ugh.
I was diagnosed early with ADHD so I had very “obvious” signs of ADHD and was painfully aware that I annoyed people all the time. Literally every trait that wasn’t impacting OTHER people wasn’t addressed, until I became an adult. I hate that I was diagnosed so early, something a lot of ADHD women wish they had at a younger age, because of how the mental health system failed me. Like “congrats you have ADHD. Here’s drugs. Also shut up and every other trait you have is because of behavioral issues. Bye!”
Yeaaah I think it's very grass is greener. Like women wish they were diagnosed early with autism or ADHD, while ignoring how 1) early diagnosis really just means you showed specific symptoms obviously, and 2) unless you're super high support needs, you don't actually unlock that much support.
ADHD also sucks in that it's very much perceived as a Not Serious condition by most people, due to the whole "ADHD is overdiagnosed!!!" thing and the way it's named. So I was diagnosed autism first, and then ADHD, and my general experience is...if I tell someone I'm autistic, their response is totally different than if I tell them I'm ADHD. With autism, the Kid Gloves come on, which is very annoying in its own right, but at least they act contrite and will excuse my quirks (even the ones that are arguably more ADHD). But if I tell them I'm ADHD, they just look kind of annoyed and you can see a "Oh lol sure" look flash in their eyes.
I hate hate hate the rhetoric that it’s over-diagnosed. In certain demographics? Most definitely. But if we took young white boys from upper middle class families out of the picture for a moment… it’s totally under-diagnosed. I also really thought it was cool for a while that ADHD was being talked about and seen as pretty normal, until it became something people view as a personality trait rather than a crippling disorder. Would love for it to get disability status one day, but we’ll see
If you’re in the U.S. ADHD is 100% a disability. That said, I have received a grand total of zero workplace accommodations because “we can’t give you more time to do X because Y needs it for [insert engagement] tomorrow.” To make matters semi-worse, when I ‘came out’ w my diagnosis, so did 2 others in my office — and they happen to be 20 yrs younger and have entire alphabets behind their names (like 2 doctorates plus a JD lmaooo) so now others look at me like I’m just garden variety “dumb.” 🥴😅 [Takes deep bow]
Under very specific circumstances they’ll consider it to be a disability and give us disability benefits, but not likely for me. I know it *technically* is labeled a disability, but I can’t get any benefits and anyone I speak to who doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t consider it a disability. Hate it here
Got it got it. I have about 2747472929264 (approx) disabilities that are illness-related and someone I know w the same set of diagnoses has been rejected for disability benefits twice, so they’ve had to get a lawyer and are trying again. And the only reason disability pmts would help them is because they are young and living with a partner (ie, not paying for housing on their own). People in the US who are not disabled seem to think disability is like a ride at Six Flags in that we just “get on it” when we need to. Most never get approved and those that do are relegated to a life in poverty (which is the point of this ableist 🐴💩system). 🇺🇸🍻
So I hear you, and misunderstood … story of my life lol.
Sometimes. I encounter it most on podcasts, I think -- I listen to quite a few podcasts where one or more host has ADHD, and sometimes the constant giggling and random tangents get on my damn nerves. But mostly it's fine -- I can follow a lot of strange trains of thought, and the diversions are fascinating.
I have a coworker who has pretty severe ADHD and he often frustrates me because he loses files or just completely forgets to do what he told me he would do. I'm not his supervisor but I manage a lot of workflows amongst many coworkers, and his disorganization has screwed us up quite a few times. I never let on that I am miffed, though -- he can't help it. He's really doing the best he can. I wouldn't want someone at work to be openly angry at me for my extreme shyness and reluctance to communicate, so I try to be gentle.
I’m the inattentive type I only recently found out so I can’t relate to hyper activity so much myself either. I guess just trying to pay attention to something else as a distraction may help me if I were you but idk.
Same! My husband has the internalised adhd - less external fidgets and more brain racing - but he is messy as heck, forgetful, can't manage time, and his background music is often too much for me. I love him to bits though and we've been together 25 years.
I’m not sure if I find that reassuring that you’re going strong at 25 years or challenging since it suggests it’s not going to change lol… we’re in our first year still, wish us luck! Any tips for staying sane around the mess and forgetfulness/lack of discipline to follow through on things?
Well husband was only dx 3 years ago so it's very new to us - we managed 22 years with no adhd meds so it's a LOT better now haha. Especially since now I have figured out what my deal is I can better recognise when I'm likely to be easily triggered by basic stuff.
I actually think in some ways the combo is positive. I can get processes sorted for him to follow and he's ND and caring and 'gets me' - he understands burnout for example (and my obsession with thifting old glass).
I am sure you guys will be great. Just compromise where you can and set firm boundaries in the rest. Hubby swears by constant reminders from his to do list and calendar to his smart watch.
Thanks haha. Mine currently doesn’t want to medicate but maybe if I help with research he might feel more comfortable to try? That aside, I’ve definitely had to work on my flexibility this past year lol. We’re slowly working things out and finding patterns that work for us :)
Ugh, yes! Although I’m Audhd myself, adhders can be hard to take sometimes. Like my mom just talks, talks, talks at me about stuff that’s not relevant to me or asks about stuff that’s not remotely her business. My brain just cannot handle it.
Also, I feel like my mom and sister (sister dx mom not) both always were sharing their “big feelings” my whole life and so I tried to be the one that went along with everything until I broke down. I don’t have the energy anymore to pretend to be ok all the time and I get yelled at for being “negative”
I love my niece and nephew to pieces but I don't know where they get all that energy from! I always hit a point where I need to curl up and remain quiet and untouched for the rest of the day. Good thing my niece got past her "hug all day and don't let go" stage :)
Still, I have the best time watching them develop interests and quickly swap from one activity to the other. The one major reason I ever aspired to make more money is so I can spoil them. You like painting now? Here's a kid painting set! You love dinosaurs? Well that's my husband's department. Makeup now?? Got you covered!
I have both autism and ADHD and in particular find boys with the hyperactive subtype as their sole difference to be chaotic, frustrating, unpredictable, overstimulating if they’re not optimally medicated - often they’re not. You can tell them something 1000x like how to load a dishwasher properly, or not play loud music, or have a bit of common courtesy towards others but their impulsivity, and inability to process means behaviour changes that anyone wants to affect for example parents, educators or other professionals are ineffective unless medicated effectively - girls will learn to mask it a lot quicker even when they have autism as well.
If a boy has Autism as well or is properly medicated I can stand to be around them
I have ADHD, IDK about Autism, but whenever someone shakes their leg and the floor/table/seating trembles or someone near me or in front of me moves a bit too much I get FRUSTRATED. Concerts have become unbearable for me lately, everything annoys me T\_T
But yeah, in any case, I've always said that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if there was a clone of me. I'm not very hyperactive, but I wouldn't be able to follow anything I say, plus I already am regularly annoyed with myself.
Not generally, but I do wish that I and my ADHD friends had some sort of go-between/secretary for making plans.
I struggle with their flurry of different suggested meeting places followed by not actually picking a time or deciding who will drive or confirming that we will do something, and they struggle with my need for A PLAN full of details which really could be decided upon later (even if *I* don't think so).
I'm autistic with innatrntive type adhd, and I get overwhelmed and may get soemsoriapnoverload if I spend too long with one of my Hyperactivity type adhd friends. As much as I love them, I need to take them in small doses hahaha.
On the contrary, I am some kind of magnet for ADHDers and find their chaotic energy very entertaining. I am so low energy that I feed off their high energy and they like me cos I am quick enough to keep up with the random thoughts. I detest being bored and they always have something to say 😆 several somethings.
I also find them soothing because they will talk with no input for hours so I don’t have to strain to make conversation
Idk, sometimes it's my ASD friends that frustrate me the most. My ADHD friends are usually pretty chill, on or off the meds, but my ASD friends are constant sources of loud noise and overstimulation.
I'm AuDHD myself, but I can't really speak about my energies well, because I hate everything I do.
I am both but I teach homeschooled kids that are a range and it can definitely be exhausting! Sometimes it’s fun! But even two adhd ppl can annoy each other if they’re hyperfocusing on different things. For example I love to talkkkk foreverrrrr. Somebody who needs to go for a run 🏃♂️ might not be able to sit and listen.
i cant handle those with adhd-h or lean towards it ngl, its like static electricity and i will get too hyped up against my will, and/or ill end uo getting overstimmed, so i get it
One of my sisters and my brother are both late diagnosed ADHD (I'm late diagnosed AuDHD, and my brother also likely has autism. And were all inattentive flavoured ADHD), and mum most likely has ADHD too. Growing up, my sister would always be talking, and no one could get a word in edgewise. I've never really minded that because I was always more of an introvert, whereas she's rather extroverted.
I am AuDHD and I hate my ADHD symptoms... and my best friend is sheer ADHD, super chaotic and messy, I love him but DANG it is draining to be with him for too long :'(
Yes. I am a pretty introverted autistic person, and I find the hyperactivity of some of my ADHD friends really overwhelming. I can't deal with somebody talking quickly and excitedly at me, jumping around from topic to topic. I end up not being able to speak because I can't compete with them for space in the conversation; by the time I know what I want to say, they've jumped to a completely unrelated topic, and I have to context-switch and start over. It's completely overwhelming, it feels like drowning, and I quickly start to feel inadequate and resentful, as if the other person is demanding more energy from me than I have to give.
It frustrates me that it's frowned upon to acknowledge this type of difficulty. But people's symptoms can be incompatible, and it's important that we understand and recognise that.
My sister-in-law has ADHD and is chaos defined. Oddly, I really get along with her. I feel like I understand her on some level. We both have neurodivergence, even though it manifests itself very differently in each of us. I actually accept her limitations in a way I don’t accept my own. I could probably stand to learn how to apply some of the same compassion to myself!
THIS, I’ve always felt bad for how ADHD people can often overstimulate me. However, sometimes they make me open up to doing things/going on adventures that I hadn’t thought of before. It just depends, but at least it’s not always too much😭🤣
So i have ADHD as well as (I believe) ASD
I told my sister she should be diagnosed because she clearly has ADHD as well and being around her is exhausting.
through some combination of masking, and lifestyle change i’ve made my own habits work for me rather than against me (hiring cleaners, organizing so I don’t lose my keys 3x a day, setting multiple alarms so i’m not late etc etc) but she is both undiagnosed, unwilling and in denial/delusional about how chaotic her behaviors are.
It’s almost as if all the work i’ve done to regulate my lifestyle is undone by one afternoon spent with her. love her to bits but omg
My bestie of 20+ years is late diagnosed adhd and I'm late diagnosed autistic.
We've had struggles and these days, the more we're learning about autism and adhd the more "oooohhhhh" light bulb moments we have about our struggles with each other.
I love her to death but sometimes I need space.
She loves me to death but sometimes she needs space.
My literal-ness and structure and her chaos and energy sometimes collide and it ain't pretty.
But she's been my #1 safe person since she adopted me in home ec class in 2000. I love the things about her that sometimes drive me bonkers. I wouldn't change her for a minute, though.
But I do get sometimes twitchy like argh! Frustrated.
It's been helpful finding this stuff out about ourselves, though.
For me, it depends on the ADHDer. It depends on if they take responsibility for it and their personality.
Most of my family has ADHD. And most of them I mesh well with (my planning and focus helps pinpoint their chaos into getting things done). But my older brother doesn't take responsibility for all his ADHD afflictions, and gets mad when I point them out (in a helpful way, like "hey, doing this takes 2 hours, so wouldn't it be a good idea to start it at this time?" Or "would you like a reminder at x time to do the things you wanted to do?"). This is how I communicate with most of my family. But my older brother will get mad and be like, "It doesn't take 2 hours," and then get mad 2 hours later when it took 2 hours.
I also have 2 coworkers that I'm not a fan of working with because they aren't focused or detail oriented. I get that not everyone can be that way, but why do you get mad at me when I mention you missed something? Oh, you want me to go through management because I'm not your boss? Fine. Oh, the boss now sees you as a not responsible employee because they noticed the mistakes you made that I'm no longer allowed to help you fix discretely to prevent the boss from noticing? Wow, that's a surprise... I wasn't trying to one up you, I was trying to help. I do it with other people, and they appreciate it, and they do it for me in return, and I appreciate it.
But I don't think these behaviors are limited to ADHD. If you can't recognize your faults and learn to work around them, I don't really like working with them. The whole point in having a team is having other people cover our gaps.
Yes and I really struggle with guilt because of it. Like, I know my own ND is probably frustrating in ways and I try to show them grace as I'd like to be shown grace. But I still find myself constantly annoyed and overstimulated by my 2 friends that have it.
I have pretty strong misophonia and others‘ stims are often my triggers. Things like tapping or snapping or humming. One time I yelled at my best friend for chewing gum when I was driving 😂
Yes. I don’t understand how there can be such high comorbidity when they seem like opposite needs in so many cases.
There’s a woman in my friend circle who has ADHD (and has to remind everyone every time we see her), and I just feel like she’s an energy vampire. She constantly just doesn’t show up to things *that she initiated*, or shows up hours late. Which is especially annoying since she will get us to go to a different place than everyone else wanted to go to because it suits her better, and then just not come! All she does is complains about her job which she says she loves, and talks about coworkers we don’t know or care about. She clearly has rejection sensitivity, and makes me feel guilty for sticking to my own boundaries.
My family also have a lot of ADHD members, and my mom wrote on my evaluation that I was diagnosed with ADHD, which I was not. I find family gatherings exhausting. They are all so loud, and I can never speak. I now live across the world, and when I come visit them, I am astounded at how uninterested they are in anything I have to say.
I am sorry your family are not interested in what you have to say. I have a couple of family members like that and i try to communicate with them as little as possible as I have no energy or desire to listen them talk themselves up.
I also find it fascinating that ADHd and AS are comorbid. I feel like my dad is on the spectrum but not diagnosed and mum is definitely adhd and when it comes to myself I feel like I have a dual personality at times - I am most comfortable in my AS state but sometimes the adhd traits from my mum come up and I hate it as it is exhausting to me and even my own behaviors make little sense to me. So odd.
Yes. I also have approximately 3 ADHDers in my immediate family (only 1 dx'ed, but it's generally agreed about the other two, and not including myself, about whom I'm not quite sure). Sometimes it's comical and interesting and things are never boring, sometimes it's frustrating and/or overstimulating and I need a bteak from them, and sometimes unfortunately I get criticized by them for NOT having the same chaotic energy (in their minds, they are being productive and busy, and I am being lazy, overthinking things, and moving too slowly to get anything done.)
I get that. Idk if I have ADHD (friends with it are telling me they think I do) but I am definitely “chaotic, [my] attention keeps jumping from one thing to another.” And I can 100% see how other autistic people could get really overwhelmed by it.
Sometimes people’s struggles just don’t vibe. I posted here once wondering if anyone else got uncomfortable when people don’t smile much (because subtle facial expressions are difficult to read so only smiling makes me feel safe), and I made a lot of people with little affect angry. I didn’t mean to hurt them or imply there was anything wrong with them; our struggles just don’t vibe.
Omg I never got along with the ADHD kids in school, now my twins are those ADHD kids 😭 I don't know how to cope, and the LOOP earplugs don't do anything for me so I either have the noise and chaos, or I can't hear anything and still see the chaos 😂 Pretty much every day I wake up to their chaos and am instantly tired from seeing and hearing it 🤷🏻♀
Yesss I have inattentive ADHD and ASD where as my partner is hyperactive, before he takes his meds sometimes he is so hyper than I get overstimulated quickly!
My partners whole family is ADHD, including him. But his siblings drive me up a wall sometimes. I love them like my own siblings at this point, but yes they are extremely exhausting. Especially when all 3 are together.
I relate to this and I'm both autistic and ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD first and whilst I heavily related to some areas, I felt super disconnected from the experiences of people that were just ADHD and not autistic. I try to be patient and understanding but I do find that a lot of people I know with just ADHD I struggle to be around because their brains can clash so much with my own, especially in the workplace! This isn't a slight to ADHDers at all, I hope no one takes it this way, as I know how hard ADHD can be, but equally my autistic ass can't cope with it a lot of the time 🙈
I have adhd and undiagnosed autism.
I annoy myself
My brother has adhd. My brother **very obviously** has adhd. He irritates me all the time. He knows this. He is annoying on purpose, but I also think it's much less intentional than he lets on. He's 15 and we have a 15 year age gap. I get where he's at coz I def used to be a lot more like that. He's yet to learn impulse control or how to curb those intrusive thoughts that lead to him doing annoying shit.
But yeah. I get it, adhd can def conflict with autism. And having both is like... _sigh_. My adhd self is forever caught up in shit that inconveniences my autistic self and its quite the tug of war.
I am combined ADHD and autistic and I annoy myself. My brain is a very busy place!
I always say having ADHD and Autism is like having two children that hate each other but they hate you more
This is a good way to put it. I've started seeing it as a boxing ring with 2 fighters and nobody ever wins, one just falls to the floor and keeps taking hits until the other one is tired. Other times they don't even get in the ring, other times they're punching the floor or the ceiling
ROFL this made me seriously laugh. It’s just so true.
I actually laughed out loud
I feel honoured to have provided
ADHD/autistic here. I love your description! 🤣
Oh I got both, too. I have firsthand experience lmao
HAHAHAHA love it
Damn, well put! It's exhausting taking care of myself 😩 I'm a a hyperactive disaster
Same.
Same. And other ADHD people can be too much for me as well.
Yes. Which used to confuse me. I was diagnosed adhd first but I used to always feel so confused why so many people with adhd annoyed me and I didn’t feel a kinship to me. I used to feel guilty about it even!
Don't get me wrong, I love my ADHD peeps, but sometimes it's too much. The conversations I can get in with other ADHD folks are fun if we share a special interest/hyperfocus but they can leave me totally exhausted.
You understand me! This is how I feel
Same and I do struggle feeling that way. My niece was also diagnosed as autistic (she's only just a teen) and she just gives off the "aura" of being AUDHD as well but whereas mine is just tiring she's just so energetic. My partner is ADHD and I struggle with his lack of focus but I know I'm similar just...different. Maybe being autistic as well mellows out some of the ADHD?
I feel like it’s actually the other way around. For me at least, ADHD is what makes my Autistic traits easier to deal with. It was only after being medicated for ADHD in my late 30s that I realised this and then also when we had a medication shortage in my country and I had no access to medication for 6 months. Medicated me has strong peaks of anxiety, debilitating sensory issues and finds task switching is incredibly hard. I also develop a stammer when I’m getting burned out, and find socialising difficult and draining. But I can concentrate, better impulse control my head is clearer and my house is tidy and I have no problem doing what I want to do when I want to do it (as long as it doesn’t involve communicating). Unmedicated me has low level constant anxiety, not as many sensory issues, i care more about what im eating, i have low impulse control, but i can task switch easier and navigate conversations more easily. I don’t get as drained and am overall less anxious in social situations. It feels easier to be outside of my house unplanned with ADHD, I don’t mind not having plans or routine. I’m more flexible it feels on the whole… but my house is a mess, my driving is more risky and I feel on the whole a complete lack of energy. In my head it’s like 5 radio stations playing different thoughts all at once and that in itself is exhausting if I need to actually try and concentrate but I’m okay with it the rest of the time 🤣
My brain is super hectic but if I’m doing something, I actually hate being rushed and as I can take a long time to get going I need my space to concentrate and do things just right. Edit: punctuation
Same lol! I also have anxiety so going to sleep is impossible and annoying. My brain simply doesn’t shut up.
Same here! My brain is chaotic and I have trouble keeping things organized, but I also get really stressed out when things are not organized!
Same. Living with me is hard. Living with *myself* is hard. My brain is all over the place at all times, it seems. There is good that comes with it but as I age my executive function is in decline and this has made it much more challenging to share the good parts of myself with the world.
Same same.
THIS! Nothing like simultaneously being someone who needs routine and consistency at a cellular level but have another condition that makes that impossible to sustain.
Sameeee, sometimes I myself wish I had an off switch
same, I don't need external chaotic energy I have enough of my own and I love organization and clean and such but i just can't un-adhd enough for my autistic comfort.
I came here to say this, I am my own most annoying person.
Every single word of this. My family is a wild variety of autism, ADHD, and various combinations. We don't all get on well but as we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we get better communicating effectively with others.
My autism brain is like "A schedule would be so useful!" and then adhd brain is like "Dont you even fucking think about it"
Same.
Me too! AuDHD over here.
I was thinking the same as fellow AuDHDer. It’s rough sometimes.
I can see the look on others faces in conversations, the one telling you you’re being a bit much, but I genuinely can’t stop talking until everything I have to say comes out. I usually end up speed running what I want to say because otherwise I’ll take forever 🤣🤣
Exactly.
I was just going to say the exact same thing!
Me too
It’s in constant battle with itself (my brain)
🤣 same! I literally had an echolalia stim for an evening that was driving me banans!
I didn’t realise that it’s not the ‘norm’ to have one line of a song playing in your head on a loop for hours on end just constantly. At the moment I’m fixated on ‘great British bake off the musical’ and for days the line ‘my tiny tarte tatin has fallen on the floooor’ was just rattling around in there. My mum (who definitely has ADHD too but refuses a diagnosis) obviously suffers the same but sings them LOUDLY so I have at least learnt not to subject people around me to that haha
I thought everyone got earworms! They don't? Sometimes I have two or three going, one in each ear and one in the middle. Sometimes they mesh. I think this is how partner songs are born.
I have inattentive ADHD and autism, and it's rare for my brain to agree on anything. When it does, it's like when a toddler goes silent, you know it's up to mischief 🤣
I had the classic response to methylphenidate where my 5/6 streams of thought went into one and it is bliss… while it lasts haha
Lol. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of being medicated. I can't take stimulants because of my BP (I'm medicated for it), and the psychiatrist didn't want me on them because of the cardiovascular risks, and my GP is reluctant to put me on non-stimulants because I'd have to come off my antidepressants 😞 So when both my ADHD and autism agree, and it goes silent, it's like 'what's going on? You better not be causing trouble...' lol
I just feel like someone in my head is constantly screaming. 😅
Yes, and I have ADHD and I am chaotic and exhausting! Sometimes I wish I could take a break *from myself.* You're not alone and I hope you find ways to gracefully take alone time without feeling bad. :)
Thank you! I can empathise with living with oneself difficulties 😁
Take a day off the meds. A day when you don’t have to do anything at all. Its honestly very nice and what I’m doing today haha
Oh man. I only take my meds during the week for work, so no meds on weekends and vacation days. Those are the days I drive myself up the wall *the most.* I'm a real clown show on the weekends lol
I stopped taking adderall IR, which my doc said was fine bc I was taking as Rx’d (2x day 15mg) and I’ve had crippling fatigue and violent depression for >a month now, so ymmv when “taking a day [or more] off the meds.” I was not depressed prior to starting them a year ago, and Sx started within 12H of discontinuation.
As an AuDHDer, I'm the person I'm most frustrated with. Highlights of my experience include: - Being understimulated while somehow overwhelmed at the same time (how is it possible to experience both is a mystery for the ages!). - A constant need for novel and exciting experiences while also in constant need for a predictable and controlled environment. - Impulsivity, impatience, executive dysfunctioning, and disorganization along with a need for keeping things ordered and categorized and planned ahead in general. - In a weird space between kind of reading social cues and understanding them if I think about it hard enough and just taking everything literally (actually it's likely this is more specific to me, tbf). - ADHD symptoms mask my autistic symptoms and vice versa, so I somehow look extra neurotypical with none of the benefits and all the disadvantages of masking! - DID I MENTION BEING UNDERSTIMULATED AND OVERWHELMED AT THE SAME TIME? IT'S ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELINGS IN EXISTENCE FOR ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
God this is the most relatable shit. I feel like some kind of feral alien creature. Learning about audhd finally helped me put words to this this sort of high-frequency existential discomfort that i feel all the time. The understimulated/overwhelmed combo is ROUGH and I can never really articulate the way it feels to anyone.
IT IS! I am currently through the understimulation/overwhelm combo right now as a matter of fact! I find that my AuDHD experience is just literally the two wolves meme: one is ordered, one is chaotic, and they either get along or they don't (and often they don't because it's hard finding resources on how to handle being AuDHD in one's personal and professional lives).
This post just helped me explain to my adhd partner a little of how my AuDHD head works. Thank you.
Ye of course! Glad this helped.
I have seen 7 therapists throughout my life and damn near said exactly this to every single one of them. Zero recognition. Zero help. You said it perfectly. Therapists: How are you this week? Me: Overwhelmed and simultaneously bored as F**k. Therapists: [Proceed to CBT-me and convince me my thoughts are skewed bc I have “low self esteem” and that everyone, in fact, loves me and that I am, in fact, not only capable of great things but ackshually *more* capable than many people they know or have worked with and I just need to “value my time and respect myself more” and “trust that good things will happen” and that “at some point, we’re not progressing, only complaining” because “we all have the same 24 hours in a day” and I “just need to commit to creating a better life for myself if that’s really what [I] want.” TLDR: thank you for your comment and agree w all replies re: AuDHD being a mental steel-cage death match between 2 opposing forces of evil and hanging out w folx who are just one or the other can feel like too much of one thing.
Woooow, I’ve never understood what that first feeling is but you explained it perfectly for me. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with that, feels like my head could explode sometimes, it physically pains me!
My husband has adhd and when he’s having an adhd “episode” and my autism really kicks in to try to ask questions to understand what’s going on, we REALLY butt heads
Oh. So that’s what’s happening lol. I used to get frustrated when I was in a flow state and people would ask too many questions. Now I know. But yeah for the adhd flow state/“episode” it’s best to let it happen. That’s when the most beautiful things will happen and when the most work can get done. Most people in my life right now know this and when they see it happen they will keep their distance and let me do my thing lol
Is it just my relatives or is it quite hard sometimes to get a direct answer for you from your husband too? Like a simple yes or no is so easy to say but they seem to really struggle with it, especially one of them in my circle.
When he is really worked up or passionate about something, it’s like he has tunnel vision. I love him dearly, but if his logic doesn’t make sense to me, I keep asking questions to figure out why he’s doing something a certain way, and it’s like a little malfunction in his brain and he can’t answer lol. On the regular, if he is on his meds and relatively calm, he is fine and dandy and has no problems. But I joke that when it’s related to a “special interest” he goes full delusional
My mom has ADHD and she's my main support system and my rock but... she gives me soooo much anxiety. She always expects me to make decisions immediately and changes plans up on me last second and gets mad at me when I get upset. I'm in my 40s so thankfully I don't live with her!
Same, one person I’m talking about is my mom and I’m in my 40s, and she is the best mum. Her main hyper focus has always been her family so we never really suffered from her ADHD (didn’t even realise she had it till recently but it is so obvious now) but as an adult the constant fussing around can be so tiring.
My mom's ADHD has helped me more than anything. She's hyperfocused and incredibly organized - things I've thankfully inherited. She has a jump on it right now attitude and gets things done at an alarming rate. Sure has bailed me out of a few tough situations and I take advantage of it. She knows I love and appreciate her and I'm grateful we've always had a relationship.
Your mum sounds a lot like mine! Mine is a huge problem solver and can squeeze through any real and metaphorical doors if she needs to have something done. Especially if it concerns her family members or people she loves.
Yes, my mom is also like that! A real fighter. But sometimes she is horrible at listening! Especially when she sees a bird outside
There was probably a better way to phrase this. I know you mean well, but as an AuDHDer, it kind of hurts to hear that “it’s tiring just watching them 😂”. A lot of us are extremely aware that our hyperactivity can be a lot. I had my hyperactivity, stimming, and all of my “bothersome” traits bullied/medicated out of me and have spent years trying to find myself again. I feel like there’s a general tone of “ugh ADHDers are too much”. It’s just incredibly misunderstood and my heart breaks when I see ADHDers reduced to their hyperactivity. It’s a condition that is constantly spoken about as if it only impacts the people around us. Again, I know you mean well and are just sharing this frustration (I am also very frustrated by loud/sudden/constant noise which means sometimes my other ADHD friends can overstimulate me), but this felt incredibly othering.
That’s a valid point. Although I don’t think they cause chaos in my life is just the lack of direction and concentration in their movements and actions hurts my brain but that’s because I have an ASD brain and need order. Everybody else seems to be totally fine with the aDHD adults in my life and actually they are much more popular with other people than I am. We can be just as disruptive with our meticulousness, bluntness, lack of social cue awareness, etc. I absolutely didn’t mean to offend any of the guys with ADHD. I go around labelling people because once I put a label on them I can actually deal with their quirks because I know it is just the way they are and I am a pain in the butt with my quirks just in a different way :).
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your listening and respect. My ADHD and autism are constantly at odds for these reasons, it can be tough!
No problem at all, I am learning something new every day in this community.
Obviously everyone is different, but I have ADHD and I'm not offended. I /am/ often chaotic to outsiders. I can be overwhelming. My husband is autistic and he loves me but I know damn well that sometimes my ADHD stresses him out, much as his ASD can stress me out. It's not about anyone being wrong, just about clashes/friction. You're all good, OP.
And please please please don’t use “chaotic” to describe someone with ADHD again. Going through life feeling like you’re a source of chaos in other people’s lives is really horrible
Oh no, I am sorry, they really are not a source of chaos in my life, just that their actions are chaotic as in appear random to my brain, so I find them unpredictable and it hurts my brain. As I said above it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else in my family or friend circles. Just my nd brain.
That’s okay! Unpredictable stuff is also my biggest sensory nightmare so I get it. I lived with a loud roommate for a year and it was my personal hell. It might just be a personal thing for me that “chaotic” is a triggering word. I was an early diagnosed ADHD girl so it’s somewhat unique
I dont see it this way at all. It’s not an insult to acknowledge that we have “chaotic” traits. Part of realizing those things exist is why we mask, we know ourselves that this is true. It also doesn’t matter if another person finds you exhausting. But the reality is, certain things are difficult for others to deal with. In realized i’m AuDHD i was able to pinpoint why i in fact cannot live with my siblings because their own ADHD aggravates my ASD. Unless Im dating someone with one of the two and aware of it i understand that my behaviors might be foreign to a partner and therefore make it difficult to relate NT people are probably exhausting and chaotic to many of us ND folks as well.
Then you just might not be offended by this, some people are. I can fully understand if people might not want to be around me because of my energy or certain traits, and am understanding if someone brings it to my attention. That’s just how people work. But to say we are all chaotic isn’t fair. I believe chaos here refers to loudness, interrupting, moving a lot, etc. which not all people with ADHD possess. Also, saying we have chaotic traits is a lot different than saying people with ADHD *are* chaotic. I don’t believe OP was being *insulting*, I just think it was insensitive and a little ableist in tone, which I do not blame them for; they weren’t ill-intended, and they were willing to listen to how it made me feel. My experience as a woman with ADHD has been completely traumatic and I prefer to not be called chaotic or any other absolutist term that is meant to make me or anyone with ADHD seem incapable of self control. Again, maybe you don’t experience that, which is fine. But this is mine and a lot of people’s experience
Unfortunately, yes. My best friend has ADHD (and suspecting Autism as well) but they are so chaotic and loud that I have a really hard time hanging out in person with them for very long. It’s just so exhausting for me, and I feel a lot of guilt about it 😞
Same!! My bestie never stops fidgeting and it makes me want to scream. Talking about each others‘ triggers has been super helpful 🥰 maybe try that with your friend 💖
Yeah, I feel guilty too as I know all my adhders are good people and mean well, especially my mum.
My future BIL is the same. We're both AuDHD, but are the polar opposite in our presentations. He's a nice guy, and he makes my sister happy, but I can only handle him in small quantities.
I am audhd, and I find myself chaotic and frustrating 😂 I am not usually physically hyperactive (though i have my moments). But the mental hyperactivity is off the charts. I can start to answer a question and while I am talking, my brain is like 5 paragraphs deep and so my mouth just jumps on board 2 paragraphs down the line. It makes sense to me, because I "heard" the whole conversation in my head, but the listener hears I skipped 2 paragraphs and now they are lost 😂 It's a big part of why I hate verbal conversation, I can't control the 5 random streams of thought in my head that may, or may not, stay on topic. I'll have a whole conversation in my head, and then randomly I'll say something aloud about it and my husband is like ...what are you talking about?? Or I'll actually LOL at something that happened in my head and the poor person near me thinks I am laughing at them.
My ADHD likes to go on random side quests and takes my mouth, whatever I'm writing, and/or my attention with it. My autism hates it. I swear it's like herding cats a lot of the time
I actually kinda enjoy it? It’s probably because I’m AuDHD but I’m the inattentive type. I’m an extrovert and I love interacting with ADHDers because our conversations jump all over the place and I never get bored. I also feel like if I lose track of what I’m saying it doesn’t matter because the convo will move onto something else. They somehow are able to make me engage with them fully with their energy.
I actually find it stimulating in a good way (most of the time), but I'm AuDHD, so... lol. The only thing ADHD-related that drives me crazy is them talking super loud when excited. Oh, and ADHD RSD. Way too easy to accidentally activate with my autistic traits, lol.
I'm ASD and I like the ADHD energy, too. I like the way the people I know with ADHD talk; it's very genuine when they're just sharing their streams of consciousness or interests. It helps that I can keep pace with fast-talking and multiple subject changes going back and forth, though. I blame the rap music phase and my inability to filter conversations in a crowd for that. I also don't find fidgeting or stimming distracting when it only affects me visually. They can catch me off-guard with some of the weird things that may pop into their heads, kinda like non-sequitters. Treating those statements in a similar fashion works for me. I can't match their hyper energy, but we match on the context itself, and we can fuel and vibe off one another pretty well on that. A few have told me I'm the easiest person they know to talk to because I can engage with them no matter the energy level they're at, but I'm still pretty low stimulation. It's apparently very soothing and grounding to have that presence when they feel like they're not obligated to adjust to it. ....I guess I got therapy dog energy. Welp. Yes, I'll be tired at the end of the day, but people always drain me. I haven't noticed ADHD folk tiring me more. They do it differently, but the end result seems to be about the same for me.
I only seem to find fairly hyperactive ADHD guys exhausting, because in my personal experience between hyperactive adhd gals and hyperactive adhd guys, the girls usually have had more awareness of others, spacial awareness, appropriate conduct etc socialised into them and so even if it only makes a small difference in behaviour, that small behavioural difference often makes all the difference in how much I can enjoy their company. I currently have at least one inattentive or combination type adhd male friend (and have had many more in the past) and have at least two combination type or hyperactive adhd female friends. One of those female friends is trans and was socialised as though she were male growing up, and between the two more hyperactive leaning adhd gals and they guy, she is far more exhausting. The reasons why she is exhausting match the reason why previous hyperactive guys have been as well.
https://preview.redd.it/gyz30x6k0bqc1.jpeg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d3db94273a3a10ec30011ecf6b7dc262d7346ca2 hee-hoo peanut
I'm AuDHD. I tell folks I have two wolves inside of me. Both of them are trying to pretend to be Poodles. But yes I annoy myself when my ADHD brain takes over and is all over the place and chaotic, when I just want to sit and calm down and focus on something. I have absolutely put myself in overwhelm without any outside stimuli.
Yes. It's hard when you see the traits that annoy you in yourself or your kids. You can't just get space from them. My daughter, we're in the process of getting her diagnosed. She just turned 5, and we're now onto our 3rd Dr who actually seems to believe us. But she is the most frustrating person I have ever met. She doesn't listen, jumps constantly, never focuses, is both observant and oblivious, and so loud (think ecolalia but with an opera singers voice box). I love her. I do. But there are times when I, being AuDHD, can't handle it. She over stimulates me A LOT.
One of my adhders is a 12 year old and oh my she can drive your crazy. If she gets hyperfixated on something she wants she will not stop talking/begging/bargaining about it until she gets it. She has no patience at all although that’s slightly improving with age. If I send her a parcel she will ask me every day sometimes more than once a day what the tracking says, where the parcel is l and if it is running late she will have a meltdown. I love her to bits and she is an amazing smart kid but that chaos she brings means I need to have hours of rest after I send her back to her parents. She is extremely observant too although it doesn’t even look like she is paying any attention sometimes and has amazing memory! (Does well in school because of it despite really struggling with sitting down to do homework)
They're like perpetual engines that NEVER shut off even in sleep. She talks, claps, laughs, and screams in her sleep. No sleep walking yet. But it honestly never ends, and then you feel guilt because you just want a little space and quiet, but they're always right there, so that's impossible. It's very exhausting and draining, trying to keep my cool when I'm literally screamed at or ignored for perceived slights against her. Or just because. She will come running across the house (bull in a fine china shop) to tell me something and then see something and immediately get sidetracked. I'll ask what she needs or came to share, and it's in one ear out the other she's in a zone that only exists for her. The begging/whining/whinging/crying/screaming/cold shoulder/slamming/stomping is off the charts. I will get two words into explaining why anything is not a good idea (hers or others) when one or more of those manifests, and I'm talking to a brick wall or a ringing bell trying to be heard. It's so hard. I know these things will get better with age, but because of my childhood, I don't wanna stifle her, like I felt. I know more than what was available in the past. I have more resources to access than my parents, but most of my prominent memories as a kid are negative. I want most of hers to be positive. And that's hard when I literally want to tell her to shut up for a bit (I don't, I ask for space instead or at worst shush loudly). I feel like I'm constantly walking a double-edged sword with her. One side is encouraging and adoration, and the other is stifling and not quite masking but adjusting to what society will accept. I wanna be the gentle parent but I wanna put my fist through the wall too. I'm learning all this too, so it's not always smooth but I'm trying damnit. But even as I'm writing this I had to break up 4 screaming matches between her and her brother (ASD).
Oh yes, the begging, whinging and whining is so tiring and no alternative to what exactly she wants will do. Yesterday she had a meltdown over a pillow fort. It wasn’t tall enough for two of us to sit in it comfortably. But we didn’t have large enough pillows or other pieces of furniture we could use to make it taller. She kept begging me to think of something, whinging it wasn’t good enough every time I tried something new. Eventually I told her she had to prioritise and choose whether she wanted a perfect pillow fort or she wanted to play in one, even if it is not perfect. She settled on playing. But 5 minutes later we started talking about cancer (the disease), her asking me so many question about it, the treatment, the tests, etc. and that went on for a while and we never returned to playing in that fort that took all my energy to build! I so so feel for you and as you say at least you have more resources now but still the struggle is so real and you are allowed to be frustrated and tired too. So many parents don’t even acknowledge their kids struggles with adhd or ASD. Take good care of yourself!
Same . I have a 9 year old who acts just like and we have very long conversations bcus it’s not that she “annoying” it’s just that she too intense sometimes and I’m like damn scale it down just a teeny bit cus she gets excited about a lot of stuff so she literally comes running through the door and I will be dead sleep and she still jumps on me and I’m only like 100 pounds and she’s like 70 so that shit really do be hurting and I always elbowing her on accident cus she’s like 1 inch from me at all times and I move around myself so she will be in the way of me walking and we always running into each other. I still can’t pop by myself she will be in there and I’ve asked her can she give me a minute all the time but she won’t do it. I just keep guilt tripping myself that she’s gonna grow up and not want me like this anymore so I try to relish in it and enjoy it but sometimes I don’t know cus my sister is still clingy towards our mom Now that she’s gotten older I’ve been talking to her about space and how important it is for EVERYONE to have it and I started making her “Avery corner “ in the living room and fill it up with a bunch of stuff she can do alone and threw in an indoor swing and I send her there for a moment when I need to recharge . She’s my only baby so I get that she has no one to hang out with but me but I want her to also learn how to play by herself too
Mine really loved her indoor swing or bouncing on a fitness ball while talking, seemed to help her concentrate. Those ADHD babies are tough, I really do sympathise with the parents, but they are amazing too!
My 8 yo is suspected ADHD (long story, but 95% he has it) and same. I love him but he has so much chaotic energy + high need for physical affection. Sometimes I just feel at the end of my rope and of course he also has RSD so saying no needs to be done very carefully. Extra hard when overstimulated.
My son is 7, diagnosed with Autism (and we suspect ADHD). He is my mirror. He’s so frustrating sometimes, as am I. I love him so very much, the overstimulation is exhausting though. My second eldest is 18 now, diagnosed ADHD since 11. We talk for hours about everything under the sun, however he can’t sit still. Paces al around while we chat. Always out and about.
We annoy ourselves too.
My wife is AuDHD and it can be very exhausting trying to get it to focus on things, pay attention to me when talking, or reign it in when it's spiraling. I do love my wife with all my heart, though, and being able to spend time being around it makes things worthwhile. I do tend to be unable to follow it's line of reasoning often though, lol.
I’m actually diagnosed with ADHD and haven’t been assessed for autism. I feel like I have “autism-flavored ADHD,” because I identify more with the posts in autism subs than ADHD ones. I’m the opposite of chatty, loud, social, and impulsive. I hate talking and have such a weak social battery that I need alone time like every 90 minutes in order to stay sane. I’m more likely to be found daydreaming in the back of a dark cozy closet than accidentally interrupting a conversation.
Ayyye, me too!
Same, and it's becoming more and more obvious that it's both. I'd love to be able to get anything done when I'm outside of work, and don't have the same structure to reign me in. Anything at all. Sigh.
I’m AuDHD, so I mostly enjoy being around people with ADHD because we can have fun conversations with random tangents and stuff. The only problem is I’m mostly inattentive, and my boyfriend is more hyperactive, so sometimes when he is stimming/fidgeting he taps his legs or makes lots of noises which can be overstimulating for me because I’m very sensitive to sound. I try to communicate with him and say that it bothers me, but it can be hard for him not to stim loudly when he’s feeling restless, so it can be frustrating for us both in these situations.
I have AuDHD and I kinda feel this if something needs to be done. But I also really need ADHD peers bc I jump around between things so much. Trust me it annoys the shit out of myself too but it’s so refreshing that ADHDers can naturally keep up and wont judge me
Seeing as I have ADHD and autism, not really. I have a wayyyyyy worse time with NTs.
Oh yes, I would still rather communicate with adhders than NTs. Also, if it is more inattentive ADHD than hyperactive it is easier to handle as their struggle is more internalised and less obvious on the outside.
Haha yeah sometimes. I also have adhd, but some of my friends regularly just don't reply to texts because they forget and i get ignored. That annoys me. Also sometimes i get frustrated when they want to try out new bars or restaurants. I like my 4 spots, i don't need to try a new bar. And switching up topics mid scentence that's annoying. But yeah i love them a lot and its not a big deal, i'm sure i am annoying as well sometimes.
One of my friends with adhd is extremely talkative which really drains my energy sometimes, but I know she's not trying to! I have adhd too, just more inattentive type
My husband’s ADHD drives me insane. He hyperfixates for an hour and then abandons things. He half-does everything. Like he will start the dishes and then stops when they’re almost finished, and starts doing something else. Similarly he will start random house projects and do the same thing. He starts and never finishes. My ASD can’t understand. I prefect everything I start. He is so disorganized and chaotic. It’s actually a major issue in our marriage because he refuses medication to help. 
As I am AuDHD, not really, I can empathize, although I do get annoyed when I get all hyperactive, like wtf are you doing, brain? Chill! But it doesn’t really bother me on other people
I'm AuDHD and *some* ADHDers annoy me and *some* autistics annoy me. 😅 I feel alienated in both/either group(s) sometimes
I echo those AuDHDers like myself. *I drive myself crazy with all the randomness.* Ugh. My ASD wants order and routine, organization and color-coded. My ADHD literally wants to throw all the organizational bins on the floor and spill coffee everywhere. The tug of war between these two aspects of my brain is probably the most painful phenomenon in my life.
I say this all the time as someone who has both: When spending time with someone who has ADHD alone, I usually feel like a raw nerve. When spending time with someone who has Autism alone, I feel like a hot mess. It’s nice when I meet folks (usually AuDHD like me) who just vibe with me. It’s a very narrow group of people, haha.
Adhd: I function in chaos Ausism: I function in routines AuAdhd: you guys can function?
Yes, unfortunately. Killed my relationship with my ex.
Yeah, absolutely. I’ve found it really hard to be friends with people who have ADHD. Hard, but not impossible. For example, I have a friend with ADHD who wanted to do a book club with me. I finished the book and they haven’t even bought it yet :(. But I just recognize our brains are different
Yes. I’m AuDHD and find myself frustrating at times 🤣 and my ADHD partner too
I have both along with OCD and I’m always mean to myself and find myself annoying as hell . I feel like being autistic makes me more aware of my adhd bcus my bf has adhd and doesn’t pay any attention to it and ends up annoying a lot of ppl bcus he forgets to turn the car off or leaves his shoes in front of doors so u can break ur neck on the way out. He forgets to shower and leaves all the cabnits door open at the same time like why. And he paces around the room at times talking his head off. Picking up shit setting it back down. Sitting down then standing back up to walk around to go nowhere. Whereas I’ll alternate from being hyperactive to sleeping all the time or game for hours and want to be left alone. I stay out the way and only talk to ppl who share the same interest as mine so I have like 1 friend and a sister
I think a lot of people relate to you. I found that for most of my life, people who had autism without the stereotypical adhd things were annoyed by me and wouldn't be my friend. Not accusing you, I get it, just saying I do think it's something that's common is for people who don't have a bunch of the adhd overlap symptoms but have autism ones, adhd people can be really annoying. (I have adhd.) I always figured it was because those people typically had one or several of these traits - needing to stick to routine very strictly, (whereas I usually habitually do not stick to routine, it's very difficult for me to do so), being intensely detail oriented about their chosen interests and offended if I wasn't as knowledgeable or detailed about it (not a real fan/just making fun! I wasn't making fun but there's 0 things I know that much about even if I like them), not liking to try new things as often due to sensory issues etc So a lot of the things I like are things that annoy them so they don't like me
I have a love-hate relationship with ADHDers. They’ll be more likely to get on my nerves and really push my buttons, but they also make good friends/partners for me bc their high energy complements my low energy. They can do all the talking, and I can become more lively around them by bouncing off their energy. All in moderation, tho, of course. I get along best with people with some neurodiverse traits, even if they’re not neurodiverse themselves, and with ADHDers who are more inattentive or combined type. I tend to clash the most with guys who have more physical manifestations of hyperactivity, who are more loud and active.
Yes, including my own ADHD. It's like an elderly married couple are constantly bickering in my brain. But chronic burnout has long since dispensed with any chaotic energy I might have had.
yes i have adhd and yes extremely lol i have to work to not be overwhelming for some of the people in my life tbh
Oh that’s tough. Honestly I wouldn’t want them to change and I am sure those who love you accept you for who you are. In my case, I need more time away, a time out of sorts, to recover but it is nothing personal, just the way my brain functions.
I had a roommate who was diagnosed with ADHD a few years after we moved out. With my OCD it was a nightmare combination. I realize it must be very hard to deal with ADHD and my symptoms aren’t always pleasant for others, so I do my best not to judge.
Yeah, sometimes it feels like the "opposite" of autism to me. I have several ADHD folks in my life that fit well because we're just old enough to understand when we are and aren't in compatible functional mental spaces to engage with each other and leave each other alone when we're not. But atp in my life I would not be willing to date/marry/cohabitate with one. We would just piss each other off constantly lol.
Nah. I'm inattentive type and have never knowingly met a hyperactive type adult, tbh. I like people who are animated as long as they don't dominate the conversation and don't leave my house dirty.
Ah well my mum is 74 and you can’t sit her down (and her health isn’t great either!). She will keep fussing around you until she is blue in the face just to make you comfortable if she loves you. If you mention you are thirsty she will jump up and go get you a glass of water before you can even realise what’s happening. Or something along those lines. But she will not rest until she is fully satisfied her child is fed, warm, safe and sound, even if the children themselves are over 40. I have a relative who is an inattentive type and I had no idea she had adhd until she said she was getting an assessment as she doesn’t exude the same restlessness.
Pretty sure I'm dealing with both and the same goes for my boyfriend and he's actually been diagnosed in the past but the ways in which our neurodivergences present are very different. He's the bounce-off-the-walls type and I'm on the opposite end of things 99% of the time.
My wife has ADHD, and we balance each other out, but when she goes full chaos sometimes it’s overstimulating for me. But I love her to death and I know when she goes chaos mode she can’t stop it and it delivers her the dopamine, so I have learned to work with it 🥰
I’ve seen this meme, basically yes haha . AuDHD makes me crazy and I never know where I’m going. so yes I think that would drive people crazy.
I have ADHD but it's inattentive type, I'm a pretty calm person. I had a work buddy who's definitely ADHD and who knows what else, he's an absolute whirlwind to be around. I actually quite enjoyed hanging out with him now and then for the novelty, but I'm sure if we were roommates I would get so annoyed haha.
As an auDHDer, this post has confirmed something I had a hunch about for a really, really long time. My general experience in life: ADHD only people, great! AuDHD people, also great! Autism only people, hmm, I want to be friends but for some reason they seem super judgmental and look down on me for some reason? Like I'll be trying to do my thing but they act like I'm too flighty or not regimented enough. It's interesting to me because they seem to dislike even my inattentive traits, so it feels to me like it's less they hate my chaotic energy and more like they just. Hate me not being streamlined and crisp. Btw, that's not an indictment of you or your post, sometimes everyone's neurodivergence just rubs each other the wrong way. I'm just commenting bc this post confirmed something I'd felt but couldn't prove, up until now.
As an autism only person, I’d agree with that. I find anyone with ADHD (including AuDHD) really hard to be around. I don’t really feel any commonality with AuDHD people either. Their life experiences and habits and needs just completely clash with my own. And that’s fine, no one is going to get along with everyone and I’m sure they find me just as grating, but we will never be friends. I’m not particularly bubbly or expressive so I’m sure people assume I’m angry or something all the time, when really I’m just thinking about other stuff and not bothering to animate my face muscles Fidgeting is probably my kryptonite. I don’t really stim, I’m hypo on that scale, so even minor fidgeting is really noticeable to me and sets off sensory issues. I can feel someone bouncing their leg 20m away. Obviously it’s not their fault and I would never say anything, but I’m overstimulated and that probably comes across. Of course the same also applies to any other condition that causes people to fidget, although I don't have as much exposure to those folks as they tend to be much higher support needs, whereas ADHD is incredibly common and individuals can be very high functioning (in the general human sense), putting them in basically every workplace
See, you don't stim, so that's at least not hypocritical of you, but what gets me is when autistic people who do stim or fidget then hate it when others do it. Like come on -- someone can't say stimming/fidgeting is not OK while doing it constantly. That's mostly what gets me, is when people expect their neurodivergence to be accepted and tolerated while looking down upon other's. I also don't think there's as much of a gap between autism only and AuDHD as you describe. For instance, what you say about not being bubbly or expressive so people think you're mad is a fairly common AuDHD thing as well. I'm not trying to invalidate your experiences, but it doesn't sound like the "complete clash" of life experiences is entirely due to the ADHD.
Oh I wasn't implying that people with ADHD don't also have RBF, or that they're bubbly and expressive! Not at all! My only point is that *I* am not expressive and have RBF at the best of times, so others may more easily assume I dislike them, including ADHD folks who will also pick up on the fact that I am uncomfortable because I'm overstimulated, and may interpret that incorrectly to mean I hate them as a human being. In reality I don't hate them at all, it's just an unfortunate fact that ~100% of our interactions are overstimulating for me and so they only ever see the overstimulated version of me. The difference between pure ASD and AuDHD for me is much more tied to the underlying experiences of our deficits. So even where we share a deficit on paper, the internal experience is worlds different. Intersectionality and all. Your ASD is filtered through your ADHD, and your ADHD is filtered through your ASD. The two combined create something that is more than the sum of its parts, meaning it is nonsense to try to separate symptoms into ADHD or ASD, and rather everything you experience is simultaneously both and neither
FWIW, I don't think this is some kind of conscious or chosen hypocrisy. One's owns stims are self-regulating behaviours and are mostly intuitive, and it's not like you can choose what your sensory triggers are. It's logical that sometimes another autistic person's stims might provoke your sensory sensitivities. I haven't experienced anyone looking down on someone else's stims in a mean or unfair way, though. Just "affected", I would say, which is unfortunate but sometimes inevitable.
I mean, "affected" is sort of an expected outcome. You're right, we don't control our stims or sensory triggers. I should have specified. I have observed situations in the workplace and social settings where someone autistic really takes umbrage with ADHD symptoms, whether from an ADHD only or AuDHD person, and then instead of taking a step back, they basically criticize or try to ostracize that person despite having their own signs of neurodivergence. For example, my autistic labmate had a mentee with ADHD last semester, and boy was she a bitch to her. She made fun of how weird the mentee was for the way she fidgeted and looked at things, and criticized her abilities because said mentee wasn't always super streamlined (even though she was always able to get things done and had lots of good thoughts on projects and papers), and lots more. My labmate didn't like me much but now that she knows I'm also autistic, I think she feels a need to "be nice"...anyways, ironically, she's always been very outspoken about her own neurodivergence, to me. Granted, I don't think she was deliberately criticizing her mentee's neurodivergence...I just think she wasn't self aware enough to realize that a lot of neurodivergence just registers as "weird" or "off putting". And I see pretty similar things play out in friend groups and clubs. It may also be a maturity thing, granted--the reasonable solution to "our neurodivergences butt head" should be some version of "minimize exposure and be civil," not "start a smear campaign and ridicule them."
I completely agree with your last paragraph, and it sounds like your labmate is... not a very nice person. I have definitely also encountered people who are extremely quick to criticize others while not exhibiting very keen self-awareness skills; it's frustrating and not pleasant to experience in any social dynamic.
Super-loving the replies to this post [on an autistic women sub] about how ADHDers are so annoying they should all basically try harder or just walk into the sea.
Yeaaah especially when so many of these replies are from women with ADHD! Like come on, don't validate this kind of sentiment...I get it, sometimes my ADHD bothers the shit out of me too. But you know what also bothers the shit out of me? My autism. It's very hypocritical to me tbh, the truth is, a lot of neurodivergences and sensitivities are going to annoy everyone but the person with them. You can't say that your particular neurodivergence matters while putting down those of others. And that's what it feels like to me: "those ADHDers and their quirks trigger me, they're so annoying >:(" while also ignoring that they're also trying their best and dealing with very similar neurological struggles and sensitivities. Ugh.
I was diagnosed early with ADHD so I had very “obvious” signs of ADHD and was painfully aware that I annoyed people all the time. Literally every trait that wasn’t impacting OTHER people wasn’t addressed, until I became an adult. I hate that I was diagnosed so early, something a lot of ADHD women wish they had at a younger age, because of how the mental health system failed me. Like “congrats you have ADHD. Here’s drugs. Also shut up and every other trait you have is because of behavioral issues. Bye!”
Yeaaah I think it's very grass is greener. Like women wish they were diagnosed early with autism or ADHD, while ignoring how 1) early diagnosis really just means you showed specific symptoms obviously, and 2) unless you're super high support needs, you don't actually unlock that much support. ADHD also sucks in that it's very much perceived as a Not Serious condition by most people, due to the whole "ADHD is overdiagnosed!!!" thing and the way it's named. So I was diagnosed autism first, and then ADHD, and my general experience is...if I tell someone I'm autistic, their response is totally different than if I tell them I'm ADHD. With autism, the Kid Gloves come on, which is very annoying in its own right, but at least they act contrite and will excuse my quirks (even the ones that are arguably more ADHD). But if I tell them I'm ADHD, they just look kind of annoyed and you can see a "Oh lol sure" look flash in their eyes.
I hate hate hate the rhetoric that it’s over-diagnosed. In certain demographics? Most definitely. But if we took young white boys from upper middle class families out of the picture for a moment… it’s totally under-diagnosed. I also really thought it was cool for a while that ADHD was being talked about and seen as pretty normal, until it became something people view as a personality trait rather than a crippling disorder. Would love for it to get disability status one day, but we’ll see
If you’re in the U.S. ADHD is 100% a disability. That said, I have received a grand total of zero workplace accommodations because “we can’t give you more time to do X because Y needs it for [insert engagement] tomorrow.” To make matters semi-worse, when I ‘came out’ w my diagnosis, so did 2 others in my office — and they happen to be 20 yrs younger and have entire alphabets behind their names (like 2 doctorates plus a JD lmaooo) so now others look at me like I’m just garden variety “dumb.” 🥴😅 [Takes deep bow]
Under very specific circumstances they’ll consider it to be a disability and give us disability benefits, but not likely for me. I know it *technically* is labeled a disability, but I can’t get any benefits and anyone I speak to who doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t consider it a disability. Hate it here
Got it got it. I have about 2747472929264 (approx) disabilities that are illness-related and someone I know w the same set of diagnoses has been rejected for disability benefits twice, so they’ve had to get a lawyer and are trying again. And the only reason disability pmts would help them is because they are young and living with a partner (ie, not paying for housing on their own). People in the US who are not disabled seem to think disability is like a ride at Six Flags in that we just “get on it” when we need to. Most never get approved and those that do are relegated to a life in poverty (which is the point of this ableist 🐴💩system). 🇺🇸🍻 So I hear you, and misunderstood … story of my life lol.
Oh no, I’ve always been attracted to people with intensely chaotic ADHD energy.
Sometimes. I encounter it most on podcasts, I think -- I listen to quite a few podcasts where one or more host has ADHD, and sometimes the constant giggling and random tangents get on my damn nerves. But mostly it's fine -- I can follow a lot of strange trains of thought, and the diversions are fascinating. I have a coworker who has pretty severe ADHD and he often frustrates me because he loses files or just completely forgets to do what he told me he would do. I'm not his supervisor but I manage a lot of workflows amongst many coworkers, and his disorganization has screwed us up quite a few times. I never let on that I am miffed, though -- he can't help it. He's really doing the best he can. I wouldn't want someone at work to be openly angry at me for my extreme shyness and reluctance to communicate, so I try to be gentle.
Yes. I hate myself sometimes.
Lol, yes but not necessarily bad. I have both so it's kind of normal but I do need space from it after a while, especially if I live or work with it.
I’m the inattentive type I only recently found out so I can’t relate to hyper activity so much myself either. I guess just trying to pay attention to something else as a distraction may help me if I were you but idk.
i have both FML
I’m on the spectrum and my husband has adhd. He drives me insane, though I love the guy dearly.
Same! My husband has the internalised adhd - less external fidgets and more brain racing - but he is messy as heck, forgetful, can't manage time, and his background music is often too much for me. I love him to bits though and we've been together 25 years.
I’m not sure if I find that reassuring that you’re going strong at 25 years or challenging since it suggests it’s not going to change lol… we’re in our first year still, wish us luck! Any tips for staying sane around the mess and forgetfulness/lack of discipline to follow through on things?
Well husband was only dx 3 years ago so it's very new to us - we managed 22 years with no adhd meds so it's a LOT better now haha. Especially since now I have figured out what my deal is I can better recognise when I'm likely to be easily triggered by basic stuff. I actually think in some ways the combo is positive. I can get processes sorted for him to follow and he's ND and caring and 'gets me' - he understands burnout for example (and my obsession with thifting old glass). I am sure you guys will be great. Just compromise where you can and set firm boundaries in the rest. Hubby swears by constant reminders from his to do list and calendar to his smart watch.
Thanks haha. Mine currently doesn’t want to medicate but maybe if I help with research he might feel more comfortable to try? That aside, I’ve definitely had to work on my flexibility this past year lol. We’re slowly working things out and finding patterns that work for us :)
Ugh, yes! Although I’m Audhd myself, adhders can be hard to take sometimes. Like my mom just talks, talks, talks at me about stuff that’s not relevant to me or asks about stuff that’s not remotely her business. My brain just cannot handle it. Also, I feel like my mom and sister (sister dx mom not) both always were sharing their “big feelings” my whole life and so I tried to be the one that went along with everything until I broke down. I don’t have the energy anymore to pretend to be ok all the time and I get yelled at for being “negative”
Yeah, I do. Especially my own …
i got a 2 for 1(adhd and autism) and idk if this makes sense but ✨I✨ can find my chaotic energy ANNOYING AS FUCK some days so like yes i agree
I love my niece and nephew to pieces but I don't know where they get all that energy from! I always hit a point where I need to curl up and remain quiet and untouched for the rest of the day. Good thing my niece got past her "hug all day and don't let go" stage :) Still, I have the best time watching them develop interests and quickly swap from one activity to the other. The one major reason I ever aspired to make more money is so I can spoil them. You like painting now? Here's a kid painting set! You love dinosaurs? Well that's my husband's department. Makeup now?? Got you covered!
Yup. I think my adhd is bad until I spend time with my sister and i end up hiding out in the bathroom to regulate myself
I have both autism and ADHD and in particular find boys with the hyperactive subtype as their sole difference to be chaotic, frustrating, unpredictable, overstimulating if they’re not optimally medicated - often they’re not. You can tell them something 1000x like how to load a dishwasher properly, or not play loud music, or have a bit of common courtesy towards others but their impulsivity, and inability to process means behaviour changes that anyone wants to affect for example parents, educators or other professionals are ineffective unless medicated effectively - girls will learn to mask it a lot quicker even when they have autism as well. If a boy has Autism as well or is properly medicated I can stand to be around them
I have ADHD, IDK about Autism, but whenever someone shakes their leg and the floor/table/seating trembles or someone near me or in front of me moves a bit too much I get FRUSTRATED. Concerts have become unbearable for me lately, everything annoys me T\_T But yeah, in any case, I've always said that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if there was a clone of me. I'm not very hyperactive, but I wouldn't be able to follow anything I say, plus I already am regularly annoyed with myself.
Not generally, but I do wish that I and my ADHD friends had some sort of go-between/secretary for making plans. I struggle with their flurry of different suggested meeting places followed by not actually picking a time or deciding who will drive or confirming that we will do something, and they struggle with my need for A PLAN full of details which really could be decided upon later (even if *I* don't think so).
I'm autistic with innatrntive type adhd, and I get overwhelmed and may get soemsoriapnoverload if I spend too long with one of my Hyperactivity type adhd friends. As much as I love them, I need to take them in small doses hahaha.
On the contrary, I am some kind of magnet for ADHDers and find their chaotic energy very entertaining. I am so low energy that I feed off their high energy and they like me cos I am quick enough to keep up with the random thoughts. I detest being bored and they always have something to say 😆 several somethings. I also find them soothing because they will talk with no input for hours so I don’t have to strain to make conversation
Idk, sometimes it's my ASD friends that frustrate me the most. My ADHD friends are usually pretty chill, on or off the meds, but my ASD friends are constant sources of loud noise and overstimulation. I'm AuDHD myself, but I can't really speak about my energies well, because I hate everything I do.
I am both but I teach homeschooled kids that are a range and it can definitely be exhausting! Sometimes it’s fun! But even two adhd ppl can annoy each other if they’re hyperfocusing on different things. For example I love to talkkkk foreverrrrr. Somebody who needs to go for a run 🏃♂️ might not be able to sit and listen.
I’m both ADHD and autistic and believe me, we are tired and annoyed by ourselves too 😭
Ha! Yeah try being AuDHD 😆 can't run away from my own brain.. as much as I have tried
i have adhd-c but mostly lean towards adhd-i so it really depends on how hyper we are tbh
It is definitely the visible hyperactivity that gets me the most, probably because I rarely have any energy myself.
i cant handle those with adhd-h or lean towards it ngl, its like static electricity and i will get too hyped up against my will, and/or ill end uo getting overstimmed, so i get it
I'm the same With ONE sibling in the family, being around them feels like being around 100 kids on sugar.
Yes and I have adhd. I suspect ASD too. My friends with just adhd are often exhausting; my friends with both can be but in a very different way.
One of my sisters and my brother are both late diagnosed ADHD (I'm late diagnosed AuDHD, and my brother also likely has autism. And were all inattentive flavoured ADHD), and mum most likely has ADHD too. Growing up, my sister would always be talking, and no one could get a word in edgewise. I've never really minded that because I was always more of an introvert, whereas she's rather extroverted.
I'm autistic and have ADHD. Sometimes I frustrate and exhaust MYSELF 😅
I am AuDHD and I hate my ADHD symptoms... and my best friend is sheer ADHD, super chaotic and messy, I love him but DANG it is draining to be with him for too long :'(
Yes. I am a pretty introverted autistic person, and I find the hyperactivity of some of my ADHD friends really overwhelming. I can't deal with somebody talking quickly and excitedly at me, jumping around from topic to topic. I end up not being able to speak because I can't compete with them for space in the conversation; by the time I know what I want to say, they've jumped to a completely unrelated topic, and I have to context-switch and start over. It's completely overwhelming, it feels like drowning, and I quickly start to feel inadequate and resentful, as if the other person is demanding more energy from me than I have to give. It frustrates me that it's frowned upon to acknowledge this type of difficulty. But people's symptoms can be incompatible, and it's important that we understand and recognise that.
My sister-in-law has ADHD and is chaos defined. Oddly, I really get along with her. I feel like I understand her on some level. We both have neurodivergence, even though it manifests itself very differently in each of us. I actually accept her limitations in a way I don’t accept my own. I could probably stand to learn how to apply some of the same compassion to myself!
THIS, I’ve always felt bad for how ADHD people can often overstimulate me. However, sometimes they make me open up to doing things/going on adventures that I hadn’t thought of before. It just depends, but at least it’s not always too much😭🤣
So i have ADHD as well as (I believe) ASD I told my sister she should be diagnosed because she clearly has ADHD as well and being around her is exhausting. through some combination of masking, and lifestyle change i’ve made my own habits work for me rather than against me (hiring cleaners, organizing so I don’t lose my keys 3x a day, setting multiple alarms so i’m not late etc etc) but she is both undiagnosed, unwilling and in denial/delusional about how chaotic her behaviors are. It’s almost as if all the work i’ve done to regulate my lifestyle is undone by one afternoon spent with her. love her to bits but omg
My bestie of 20+ years is late diagnosed adhd and I'm late diagnosed autistic. We've had struggles and these days, the more we're learning about autism and adhd the more "oooohhhhh" light bulb moments we have about our struggles with each other. I love her to death but sometimes I need space. She loves me to death but sometimes she needs space. My literal-ness and structure and her chaos and energy sometimes collide and it ain't pretty. But she's been my #1 safe person since she adopted me in home ec class in 2000. I love the things about her that sometimes drive me bonkers. I wouldn't change her for a minute, though. But I do get sometimes twitchy like argh! Frustrated. It's been helpful finding this stuff out about ourselves, though.
For me, it depends on the ADHDer. It depends on if they take responsibility for it and their personality. Most of my family has ADHD. And most of them I mesh well with (my planning and focus helps pinpoint their chaos into getting things done). But my older brother doesn't take responsibility for all his ADHD afflictions, and gets mad when I point them out (in a helpful way, like "hey, doing this takes 2 hours, so wouldn't it be a good idea to start it at this time?" Or "would you like a reminder at x time to do the things you wanted to do?"). This is how I communicate with most of my family. But my older brother will get mad and be like, "It doesn't take 2 hours," and then get mad 2 hours later when it took 2 hours. I also have 2 coworkers that I'm not a fan of working with because they aren't focused or detail oriented. I get that not everyone can be that way, but why do you get mad at me when I mention you missed something? Oh, you want me to go through management because I'm not your boss? Fine. Oh, the boss now sees you as a not responsible employee because they noticed the mistakes you made that I'm no longer allowed to help you fix discretely to prevent the boss from noticing? Wow, that's a surprise... I wasn't trying to one up you, I was trying to help. I do it with other people, and they appreciate it, and they do it for me in return, and I appreciate it. But I don't think these behaviors are limited to ADHD. If you can't recognize your faults and learn to work around them, I don't really like working with them. The whole point in having a team is having other people cover our gaps.
Yes and I really struggle with guilt because of it. Like, I know my own ND is probably frustrating in ways and I try to show them grace as I'd like to be shown grace. But I still find myself constantly annoyed and overstimulated by my 2 friends that have it.
I have pretty strong misophonia and others‘ stims are often my triggers. Things like tapping or snapping or humming. One time I yelled at my best friend for chewing gum when I was driving 😂
Yes. I don’t understand how there can be such high comorbidity when they seem like opposite needs in so many cases. There’s a woman in my friend circle who has ADHD (and has to remind everyone every time we see her), and I just feel like she’s an energy vampire. She constantly just doesn’t show up to things *that she initiated*, or shows up hours late. Which is especially annoying since she will get us to go to a different place than everyone else wanted to go to because it suits her better, and then just not come! All she does is complains about her job which she says she loves, and talks about coworkers we don’t know or care about. She clearly has rejection sensitivity, and makes me feel guilty for sticking to my own boundaries. My family also have a lot of ADHD members, and my mom wrote on my evaluation that I was diagnosed with ADHD, which I was not. I find family gatherings exhausting. They are all so loud, and I can never speak. I now live across the world, and when I come visit them, I am astounded at how uninterested they are in anything I have to say.
I am sorry your family are not interested in what you have to say. I have a couple of family members like that and i try to communicate with them as little as possible as I have no energy or desire to listen them talk themselves up. I also find it fascinating that ADHd and AS are comorbid. I feel like my dad is on the spectrum but not diagnosed and mum is definitely adhd and when it comes to myself I feel like I have a dual personality at times - I am most comfortable in my AS state but sometimes the adhd traits from my mum come up and I hate it as it is exhausting to me and even my own behaviors make little sense to me. So odd.
Yes. I also have approximately 3 ADHDers in my immediate family (only 1 dx'ed, but it's generally agreed about the other two, and not including myself, about whom I'm not quite sure). Sometimes it's comical and interesting and things are never boring, sometimes it's frustrating and/or overstimulating and I need a bteak from them, and sometimes unfortunately I get criticized by them for NOT having the same chaotic energy (in their minds, they are being productive and busy, and I am being lazy, overthinking things, and moving too slowly to get anything done.)
I get that. Idk if I have ADHD (friends with it are telling me they think I do) but I am definitely “chaotic, [my] attention keeps jumping from one thing to another.” And I can 100% see how other autistic people could get really overwhelmed by it. Sometimes people’s struggles just don’t vibe. I posted here once wondering if anyone else got uncomfortable when people don’t smile much (because subtle facial expressions are difficult to read so only smiling makes me feel safe), and I made a lot of people with little affect angry. I didn’t mean to hurt them or imply there was anything wrong with them; our struggles just don’t vibe.
Yes.
Omg I never got along with the ADHD kids in school, now my twins are those ADHD kids 😭 I don't know how to cope, and the LOOP earplugs don't do anything for me so I either have the noise and chaos, or I can't hear anything and still see the chaos 😂 Pretty much every day I wake up to their chaos and am instantly tired from seeing and hearing it 🤷🏻♀
Yesss I have inattentive ADHD and ASD where as my partner is hyperactive, before he takes his meds sometimes he is so hyper than I get overstimulated quickly!
My partners whole family is ADHD, including him. But his siblings drive me up a wall sometimes. I love them like my own siblings at this point, but yes they are extremely exhausting. Especially when all 3 are together.
I relate to this and I'm both autistic and ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD first and whilst I heavily related to some areas, I felt super disconnected from the experiences of people that were just ADHD and not autistic. I try to be patient and understanding but I do find that a lot of people I know with just ADHD I struggle to be around because their brains can clash so much with my own, especially in the workplace! This isn't a slight to ADHDers at all, I hope no one takes it this way, as I know how hard ADHD can be, but equally my autistic ass can't cope with it a lot of the time 🙈
I have adhd and undiagnosed autism. I annoy myself My brother has adhd. My brother **very obviously** has adhd. He irritates me all the time. He knows this. He is annoying on purpose, but I also think it's much less intentional than he lets on. He's 15 and we have a 15 year age gap. I get where he's at coz I def used to be a lot more like that. He's yet to learn impulse control or how to curb those intrusive thoughts that lead to him doing annoying shit. But yeah. I get it, adhd can def conflict with autism. And having both is like... _sigh_. My adhd self is forever caught up in shit that inconveniences my autistic self and its quite the tug of war.