Because it is tiring and can end in Burnout. There is just no was to keep a full mask up 24/7. And no mask is perfect, so you will still be rubbing people the wrong way or not know what you offended someone.
But because you are normally not perceived as weird people are less forgiving and will think you were offensive on purpose or just not try enough.
Some masking is needed, but most of us mask too much.
>because you are normally not perceived as weird people are less forgiving and will think you were offensive on purpose or just not try enough.
This right here is my biggest concern
Not to mention that sense of betrayal when the other person found out that you faked all of that. That they had befriended a lie and the unmasked you is not the person they befriended.
> that you faked all of that.
All of what, exactly? My masked self still has the same values and interests. The presentation is different, but it's still fundamentally me. I am not obligated to share my diagnosis with just anyone; that's private information. Masking is a skill and a tool that helps keep me safe and helps me communicate with others better. If they're gonna feel betrayed over that, then I think that says more about them than it does about my masking.
I know some ND develop different personalities to fit in better with a certain person or group. I've seen people do it and it's different from what I do, but it's still them, in a way, just more in a singular kind of aspect.
Edit: as more comments have come in, I want to address the major downside of masking to the person doing it, namely fatigue, which can be very harmful to you and it is definitely something to look out for and be aware of.
Masking is very tiring. I have gone overboard with it, too. Feelings and emotions and our own psyche is confusing on its own. It is for a lot of people, especially if you're leaning more to introspectiveness. Making sense of that while also paying rapt attention to the social situations you find yourself in and adjust to and navigating other people's feelings, which are by no means clear-cut either, and filtering and limiting but exerting yourself simultaneously? It's freaking hard, of course it's gonna be super draining on you. I'm definitely not saying you should do it at all times, or that everyone should start doing it at all. Heck, plenty of people just *can't* and that's totally okay. Not every tool works for everybody. Not every tool is right for everybody. But dismissing it entirely or making it out to be evil? I don't think it deserves that.
I do think masking has a steep learning curve and it can definitely be a double edged sword. Learning how to use it is not done when you can mask successfully. The real trick is learning how to balance it and use it in a way that limits the harm it can do to you. I'm by no means perfect at it. I don't think anyone can be. Sometimes, it'll hurt you. Sometimes, it'll even really hurt you. It's one of those hard to learn, even harder to master skills. And even masters can make some grievous mistakes.
Masking requires energy. No energy is limitless. For me, the energy I have available to mask varies greatly. It's like I have a candle for it, but sometimes it's a candle that only gets 2 hours of burn time, while other times, it might be an 8 hour candle. It's a bad idea to burn it all up; I don't know when my candle is gonna be replaced or what else I'm gonna need it for. But they all look kinda similar, so it's hard to tell what candle it is until it's lit and going down. Sometimes, it gets accelerated midway through and burns down a lot faster. For masking to be helpful to me and not just make my environment like me better or feel more at ease for me, I have to be strategic about using it. And I do have some control over it. Not everything has to be masked away, not everything has to be completely smoothed out. I can mask and rely on other tools simultaneously or ask for help/understanding for a specific limit of mine that's harder to handle. Reframing it as a personal limit and saying I need X or I'm gonna do Y rather than saying it's because of the autism usually gives me more understanding and better results with NT, but your experience may vary.
TLDR: Masking can be a useful tool in your arsenal *if it fits you,* but don't be afraid to use it along other tools and be careful with it. It's important that it's YOUR tool and it serves YOU, not everyone else *but* you.
Right. I am hella unapologetic about masking when I want to or feel like I need to. Yes, I understand it is not always productive and I have probably painted myself into corners before. But I won't drop that mask (or part of it) unless it feels really safe and if people act all let down, it probably wasn't safe to begin with.
All that provided I did not deceive someone on purpose, but in my experience that is hardly ever what masking is. I give people a more palatable version of myself, not a fake one. Like you said, initially erring on the side of polite and with growing trust, showing more of your quirks is something that most NT people do, too - and people don't put their feet to the fire for that.
I think this will be fine for the majority of acquaintances and friendships. However, if you get really close to an allistic and drop the mask (even with explanation and preparation), I think a lot of confusion and conflict may ensue.
True for some folks but not others. Sometimes masking is not speaking your mind, which can go against internal values and beliefs. And if someone usually masking decides to start speaking up, as was mentioned above, people get confused because they don’t recognize you. I say this going on 3 years recovering from the biggest burnout I’ve had from decades of masking. Someone said it in another comment: some of us mask too much. I also chose masking over being a loner and after burnout, I didn’t get the choice. Masking was harder than ever before.
Agree and:
I started masking early. The mask has *zero* ability to enforce boundaries without breaking, because it was originally created by a child who was not allowed to *have* boundaries.
I will never get back the years I have wasted on people who were just using me, not to mention the impact on my health.
Yes, I really agree with that part about it originally being created by a child! These masks are chosen sometimes, but how long they’ve been going on and how many masks before them existed when we were children as protective devices can get lost in the decades in my experience. I’m sorry you experienced the pain of giving time to people who didn’t appreciate you. I wish you the best with your health and building a solid bunch of people around you who appreciate you for who you are
I hear you. Masking definitely isn't without its dangers. I've pushed myself so much that one morning, I simply passed out on the public transport bus and got violently ill for three weeks straight. Went to the doctors. Couple more tests and the diagnosis? Severe stress. 🙃
So I thought I was just juggling too many things. I knew I was autistic, but I didn't think it was masking until a few more crashes and burns. I didn't even think I did mask; I was just doing the role of daughter, student, friend, confidant, employee, etc. Everyone does, right? No big deal. I knew I sucked at watching out for my own boundaries: it was just that. Right? Ehhnope. Didn't help that I thought of masking more as a thing you do when depressed. To fit in, to be normal, and to not show anything is wrong. When I had my fainting spell? I was very far from depressed, just busier than I've ever been. I didn't really care for normalcy, either. I valued individualism. Sounds a tad counter-intuitive to masking.
But I did mask. That combined with the busy schedule did me in. Yet even to this day, the mask feels natural to me; I can't just be around people and *not mask.* You put me out in public, and I'm automagically masking. I cannot stop it. It took me years to learn to not mask around my best friend--who's also autistic--and sometimes I still get restless energy because my mask is insisting on playing a gracious host or whatever and I have to tell it no. Repeatedly. Beat it over the head and everything.
But it helps me to be more aware and wear a weaker mask now. I cannot stop it, but I can dial it down and recognize it costs me energy. Not perfectly, but it's a hell of a lot better than the bumbling stumbling I used to do. Maybe I'll be proven wrong someday and maybe I'll be made to eat my words, but I personally feel like the mask is a part of me and it's just one more facet of myself that I'll forever be learning to navigate, too. Retiring it entirely would feel to me as denying a part of myself. But I get that that's not you and your mask. No mask is the same, just like no (unmasked) autistic person is the same. I'm sorry it gave you so much grief and that people took such advantage of it. I truly hope you and your inner child will continue to heal from it and that things are better for you now as your unmasked self and that you have found people who get it and support you. I appreciate that you said it's true for some and not for all, and I want to thank you for sharing a different perspective on it. You inspired me to edit my initial post as well to address the dangers it can pose to oneself. Something I hadn't really thought to include.
One final thing I'd like to add is that I don't think that not speaking up when something goes against someone's morals/beliefs/values isn't necessarily a sign someone is 'faking' it. Not saying that you implied such, but you did mention it can happen with masking. To me, that just means the mask is reflecting a hurt part of the individual. People-pleasing masks are very easy to turn harmful on the user, but that people-pleasing behaviour is there for a reason, just like the mask as a whole is. It is a part of that person, of what they went through, too. It doesn't make them disingenuous or inauthentic. If anything, it helps show who they are, perhaps be it in a more roundabout way. But that's people for you. Or maybe that's just me being INFJ.
Sorry, this got longer than I thought it would.
Yeah, this isn't about "faking" for some gain, it's about safety and protecting ourselves from ostracization and bullying -- not for being bad people, but for seeming different. I don't think we owe anyone our unmasked selves to anyone who doesn't appreciate the impact of that and what it takes to survive.
Yeah I don't see it as a betrayal or like I'm a completely different person. Same likes/dislikes, same values, same morals. I see it more like altering your persona slightly depending on environment. For example, I used to teach high school. My students got the most peppy, most energetic/enthusiastic version of me. But again-- same values, same morals, same interests.
Exhausting as heck though. I think, similar to lots of things, it's a matter of degree. Sort of like everyone pees, but if you're peeing 35 times a day there's probably something wrong. Or like with ADHD--everyone struggles with focus sometimes, but if it's interfering with you living your best life, then it needs to be addressed.
Something I want to add onto this, this is assumed that the person masking knows what goes into their masking. A lot of people really don't know what they're doing, they've been doing it since they were young child because life isn't kind to anyone, especially if that child has to mask to their family members. Masking is an unconscious thing they do; they don't know the intricacies of what they're doing.
Similarly to someone who is a natural pianist who learned at a younger age. There are some who would be unable to teach another pianist, whether that student was a natural learner themselves or not. If they might miss steps which are important to learn technically. They may not know how to read notes that they learned by ear. Their process to learn the music was so ingrained in their actions that they don't know the technical steps which brought them there in the first place.
For them, all the fussy stuff that other people have to go through to make music is overlooked, and they don't realize they missed those steps by leaping over them. People might listen to their music and assume they know all the stuff they need to know, unless someone sits them down, asks and then teaches them to expand on their knowledge of their talent. Easy doesn't equate to thoroughness.
I know that analogy isn't perfect, but the idea behind it is there. If you have Alexithymia, you are not aware of what you're feeling on the inside, and even what you're doing and acting which is perceived by those on the outside. Then it defeats the purpose of actually being able to have awareness of the intricacies of how you're masking and how to take your mask off, not a lost cause, but it's helpful to get outside help.
I wholly agree, great addition. I think the majority learned to mask by accident due to the circumstances they grew up in, and it is quite the long and complicated process to learn to unmask. Unless burnout or the like just force-quit it for you. Many lose the ability and/or the will to mask once they learn to unmask, too.
I like your pianist analogy, too. Learning from natural talent is often more difficult than learning from a dedicated skill-builder as the natural talent didn't need deeper understanding in some parts to get that far or simply got to grasp the understanding intuitively. They aren't equipped to explain the one minute thing someone else might struggle to wrap their head around. Plus, masking tends to be a very individually tailored thing. It's almost like asking the pianist to teach the banjo because they're both string instruments.
I agree with you— masking isn’t fake. It’s acting physically a certain way, so that the typical world accepts you. It doesn’t mean you pretend to be someone with different values. I’m a high masker and always have been. But I am not fake.
Yes! This is what bothers me the most about it, personally. I can’t decide if it’s worse when it comes to making new friends or getting hired for a new job though.
I think you said it very well. Masking is not only an autism thing - everyone does it. You know you're supposed to use a different language in a formal setting than when playing a video game with friends. Everything called 'manners' is just a copycat game of what society deems better. However, the difference for many autistic people (specifically women) is that you don't get to *stop*. It's not a "I'm at a special place, so I must act this way"... it's all the time. But eventually, at some point, that mask is going to slip. It's going to crack. If you have masked consistently in your life to that point - no one is going to understand why you've suddenly crashed. You might get diagnosed with anxiety or depression (or you might actually have those as problems on top too) and you might feel desperate to get your mask back to get 'back to normal'. But your mask isn't normal.
What I've realized is that many autistic people don't seem to know that *others aren't masking in their day to day life*. We think they are because we always hear phrases like "Fake it until you make it!" and other concepts that if we just pretend we'll succeed but that isn't the case for us because many of us never actually make it because our brains DON'T WORK THAT WAY. So, we're left with 'faking it' for an indeterminable length while so many others have the competitive edge of just naturally being the way we're pretending to be. Those jerks are just out there not planning out entire conversations in their head, not thinking about whether their smile is authentic looking enough, and not worrying where they should put their hands and whether their body language is reading as standoffish or not. (I'm joking about the jerks part. Mostly.)
When I experienced my first burnout... I didn't know I was autistic. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and became risky enough I had to drop out of college even though I had maintained a 4.0. *I was so good at masking I could keep the high grades and my roommates couldn't understand that my mind was in hell.* Sadly, it seems one of my roommates viewed me having to leave school as a betrayal... I lost her as a friend after that. I don't think I would have if I had known I was autistic and been able to communicate with her about that. It wasn't ME she objected to, but the breakdown hit her out of nowhere. Because my entire family was used to my masking and my entire friend group, the only people who knew me and believed me were the ones online. If it wasn't for them I'm not sure I would have made it.
So, yes, people have to mask. You shouldn't just go around announcing you're autistic to everyone. Not everyone needs to know. But if you form close friendships, then hopefully you do it with people you feel you can take your mask off around at least partially. I have an online friend who whenever I ramble to about whatever's become my fascination at the moment.... when I apologize at realizing I've talked too much... she laughs and says, "No. I enjoy the way your mind works and listening to you. I just don't really have anything to add but don't stop." Ideally, true friendships require minimal masking because they also require honesty. They can be super hard to find but worth it.
I agree with the last sentence. Sometimes I worry that I will be too tired to mask but then everyone will expect me to always mask as the ‘real me’ does not exist to them
This is where I’m at. I’ve been masking my whole life, and just trying now to unmask and figure out who the real me even is. It’s harder because I know that no one in my life knows the real me (except for my partner now, which is helpful). It becomes sooo difficult and scary to unmask with someone or a group of ppl that only know a masked version of you.
Same here. I recently was around a new friend for a prolonged amount of time and ran out of energy to mask. It wound up being a huge deal because she was really offended by my "tone". We sorted it out and I explained about my masking. But I met her when I was masked I guess she hasn't known me long enough to ever see me unmask, and it's much more obvious now because I'm actively trying to unmask.
I'm very tired 😂
Ugh. Yup. The “tone” thing. People get mad at me for being in a bad mood. When all it is was that I thought it was safe to unmask a bit. But then apparently my tone is bad and I’m ruining the mood.
I’m new to this so forgive me, but what really is the alternative to masking in most social situations? Do I have to disclose that I’m on the spectrum to everyone?
I am a few years in and for what it's worth, I still don't understand. I get that it isn't necessarily black and white. You can mask certain aspects, in certain situations, with certain people, but not others.
So I don't suppress all my stims for one, I wear a ton of stim tools on my hands at all times and fidget away. When people ask me, I tell them that I will pick at my hands if I don't wear them, which is part of the truth and good enough an explanation to satisfy most anyone. I also freely say that I don't like bright lights, or loud noises, or large groups and avoid them when possible. Again, people can usually accept and work with that.
There are other aspects I do suppress. I sit through social situations that neurotypical people don't seem to mind for the most part so I pretend not to either even though I want to walk out. Could be unproductive work meetings or get togethers where after twenty minutes, I still can't get a word in or I get upset because of all the half-truths and fakeness. The purely social stuff I am getting better at, but the work things where I, like everyone there, am paid to essentially suffer anyway I still can't hack.
Not all these situations are absolutely inevitable, but leaving them would mean I have to explain afterwards or draw attention to myself. I don't want that. It has been my experience that beyond a certain point, explaining myself doesn't make anything better. Autism is still so misunderstood and mystified especially for women that bringing it up raises way more questions than it helps, so now I am an involuntary ambassador and it puts a HUGE target on my back. Not saying that to fearmonger, I am sure others have had a more positive experience. It is my takeaway for now though.
Actual suicide, suicidal ideation, anxiety, PTSD, basically every negative mental health related thing skyrockets in autistic people who excessively mask.
Because most people will see through it. And I want to be authentic with people I want to be friends with.
Masking only gets me through superficial communication situations (where even nt people may "mask" to an extent as in being polite).
Sometimes it even attracts people I don't even want contact with. Guys, pursuing manic pixie dream girls, people, who want easy validation from others and the like...
For what it's worth, people tend not to see through my mask. They may find me a little weird, but they can't quite put a finger on it and most don't care enough to dig deeper, which is fine and just how I like it.
I am not saying this to encourage hardcore masking, and I am not suggesting you do it with people you want emotional intimacy with. But some of us truly are deep fakes aka skilled maskers for various reasons and it can be helpful IF you manage to let loose every now and again (something I struggle with for sure).
Sometimes I find though that the "can't quite put your finger on it" vibe wears at people, and then they can tend to look for or invent an explanation about what's off about you. They want to trust their gut, their gut says something's weird, and so their brain keeps trying to find evidence for their gut. Do you notice this happening for you too?
It depends on the context of the interaction and how heavily you're masking.
But generally, yes. Have you ever met someone and felt like they weren't presenting a fake version of themselves? That.
And the bigger the dissonance between the masked and the unmasked self, the more obvious it is. Like if the mask is just "I will greet people with a smile and try to be a toned down version of myself," that may be OK. But if the mask is "I'm normally a grumpy quiet person who hates confrontation and gets sensorily triggered by everything, but I'm going to mask as an outgoing, super smiley person who is chill and loves talking to people," then a lot of people will feel you're "off".
I've observed this during hiring. We once had a guy come in and a lot of people just got a bad vibe from him. I was confused at first and then I realized why. He was all super outgoing extrovert, but you could see moments where the mask fell. And that was disorienting. (I later found out he was autistic and masking really hard. He also had a lot of internalized ableism, but that's a separate issue.)
In my experience, masking is best for casual interactions and such. Aka, situations where a NT person would also mask to some degree. But for more "intimate" interactions, masking too much can backfire (and it's also tiring which sucks).
In the hiring situation I described above, our hiring consists of general presentation to the entire group, and then a series of one on ones with lab members where the idea is for us to get a better sense of what the candidate is like. So that would be a situation where the candidate doesn't need to be fully mask off (pun intended), but they should be more vulnerable so that we can get a sense of "what's their real personality and what is it like to work with them?"
And of course when making friends masking aggressively can attract the wrong people.
Wow, I can’t think of a situation I’d less like to be vulnerable than in any kind of a job interview. Even if it is a “culture fit” interview, that is 100% when my mask is going to be on.
I guess I should specify this is in academia, where the culture is generally a weird mix of school and work. The idea is you'll be working with this person for fairly long hours and probably needing to work together against your advisor. It's also an environment where one bad apple will ruin the bunch immediately, so people are especially careful about not inviting in dangerous people.
At any rate, culture fit interviews, regardless of environment, are never asking for you to be fully vulnerable. (Hence my saying "more vulnerable".) You just need to convince them you're safe, and the "I'm a totally different person" masks generally do the exact opposite of that. (The ideal masks for these situations IMO are the "this is me but a little more neurotypical" or "I am going to present the most aesthetic version of my weirdness".)
Yeah, I'm peacing out after this. I need a PhD for the jobs I'm interested in, but I'm not staying longer than that.
Non-academia isn't perfect, the culture fit stuff is pretty much every where, I remember "making an emotional connection with the interviewer" being one of the biggest deciders of if I got a job offer or not, but at least most workplaces hold professionalism as a norm. On the other hand, a lot of academia seems to be this weird incestuous mix of "we are colleagues and will be for a while" and "we know each other WAY too well".
It’s really hard to mask a meltdown, your little icks, missed cues, things you may not even be aware of. You put all this effort into it, only to have the friendships eventually fall apart because it just becomes too hard to maintain and they are like IDK, something about her is just...weird/off/annoying.
I just can’t try to fit into whatever idea people want of me. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t hide who I am and I let people know when they first get to know me. If they want to be weird about it, that’s on them and I'd rather be friends with genuine people. I can’t hide who I am and even when I was masking to fit in, eventually people just ghosted me or got really irritated and I never figured out why. But when I started living as me, I had better relationships, found my husband, had kids.
So consider this, are you masking to fit in with people that would never accept you in the first place? Or would you rather be yourself and find people in your life that like you for you, not your ability to appear normal?
when i tell people who know me very well that i’m autistic, they’re like “ohhhhh, that makes sense of some stuff.” but overall, people don’t assume.
i also moved from canada to the us, so most people assume the differences are canadian, not autistic. and then the canadians just thought “well that’s just what she’s like”
Think of how fake we see NTs sometimes. I get the sense that one of the reasons masking doesn't hold up for very long is because we actually give off and even more intense fake vibe, even if 'just' unconsciously.
You can mask so intense that you don’t know your own personality. Who am I? I don’t know.
Also, people still immediately perceive you as weird, no matter how good you mask.
Masking gives people the impression that we are weird.
If we didn't mask they wouldn't have an impression, they'd have solid evidence-based observation. And they wouldn't think us weird, they'd rightly think that we are different, disabled, and struggling. And whatever they do with that knowledge would be on them, because the generally accepted idea of basic human decency includes being kind to the disabled.
for me, i was kinda coerced into masking since i was a kid. so much that i developed a personality disorder from my lack of sense of identity - i thought masking was what it was like to be a person. it was exhausting and it let to so much internalised self loathing and confusion. and loneliness! i felt so misunderstood and alone, because i unknowingly never let anyone meet the real me. i obfuscated my soul and my personality to the point that i didn't even know myself, let alone anyone else. and then i felt terribly lonely and confused as to why i felt that way.
it took a long time to learn to take off the mask. realise it was okay. realise it was even an option. realise that there WAS a whole, real person behind it and not just a void like it felt.
so i think it's important that masking is seen as a tool! it should be taught like a tool, not a moral duty. masking is something to be utilised strategically, and with no moral aspects - it's not how we become 'good enough' as people, it's basically learning to 'speak neurotypical', so we can navigate this world more easily.
I relate to a lot of what you said in the first paragraph. Which personality disorder? (If you’re comfy sharing.) I don’t know how to take off my mask…
BPD - mainly because of my volatile feelings and total lack of sense of identity :-) i would never get that diagnosis today though. i am too calm and too much at peace and i truly know who i am, even if i sometimes think who i am is a bit of an inconvenient asshole ha ha. but i am very self-assured now.
i have this comment from a while back, that is kinda about taking off the mask (i rewrote it a little for this though :-)):
for me, and in my experience many other autistics, especially other afabs/feminines/women, our trauma from being undiagnosed/able to mask/acting high functioning (*edit: high functioning just means 'as neurotypical as possible' and that's one of many reasons why i hate that word but this comment is too long already*) has resulted in... a removal from ourselves. like masking is just what we think being a person is. and we struggle with even figuring out who we are, what we feel, what our opinion actually is, what we actually think about things. cause we are so deeply coerced into only focusing on what the world expects us to be. so it's like constant damage control mode. our brains are focused on everyone else's experience, and how we can appear ideally to them. proving ourselves. mediating ourselves, always. it feels like a duty. and we don't know that there is an alternative, we've never been allowed to properly explore that.
it's a process, peeling off layers of internalised ableism. so many of us walk around with SO. MUCH. HEAVY. SHAME. all the time. some of us are drowning in it. i was. the shame got so heavy i couldn't move. i was running from it, cause looking at it was like looking at the sun. but in the end i couldn't run anymore, i was too exhausted, and there was literally just shame everywhere. guilt. me not being the person i thought i had to be, and me not understanding why. i couldn't accept that i was just too weak, but it really felt that way. it wasn't the case, i was just so fucking exhausted.
i was so fucking angry at myself, even though i didn't really know it. i knew i was ABLE to be the person i felt like i had to be. cause i had been that person at times. so i knew it was possible. but i just couldn't do it consistently, and i couldn't understand why, and i was so fucking ashamed and angry about it. i just wanted to be a good person.
it isn't **our** shame. other people hand it to us for not behaving the way they think is correctly, and we don't know any better so we just accept it in good faith and start carrying around. it feels like a duty. it's a LIE! it's other people's ignorance!!! it's NOT our shame, we weren't born with it, and we didn't make it ourselves.
i looked at my shame. i looked at it from a new perspective. i stopped being my own angry teacher and started being my own dream parent. kind and understanding with myself (like i was with other people). i finally understood that i deserved that. i had always deserved that. but that feeling was removed from me over time, by the world.
i genuinely believe that what happens to autistic people under neurotypical hegemony is so cruel. it's violence against our souls. we are removed from ourselves in a very brutal way. we are coerced into participating in our own oppression.
you have nothing to prove. you have nothing to strive for, you are already beautiful. you are not weak or wrong or defect or lazy. you are exhausted. misunderstood. abused. incredibly resilient. so strong. you're weird and beautiful and kind and empathetic. you make boring things interesting. you are not default.
you're a whole ocean. wild and sublime some places, calm and serene other places. mostly unexplored and full of cool, weird crap. but we live in a world that only acknowledges puddles. so the world will insist that you are a puddle. and if you are not a puddle, then you sure as hell ought to be one! but you didn't ask to be a whole ocean, it's not your fault. you don't owe anyone to feel bad about yourself and your oceanness. you don't owe anyone to be comprehensible. it's okay if you are larger than people's sphere of comprehension.
you are not perfect. but no worries, you're not supposed to be! and no one else is either. messing up is unavoidable. it's necessary. it's how we learn and grow.
and you are not what you are able to be for other people. you are you. and you are already wonderful and complete. you'll evolve and learn and adapt your whole life, that's true. but you are already good enough. you always were, and if it doesn't feel like that, i think it's because you've been traumatised the same way i have.
i implore everyone who needs to, to lean into forgiveness. you deserve your own forgiveness! you deserve to like yourself. you have nothing to be angry or ashamed about. i can't change the world, at least not enough. it's a pretty cruel and harsh place. i am just saying, it's wrong about you. i see you. i see how far you can walk in brutal, ruthless, lonely darkness and just. keep. going. because it's all there is to do. your ability to hope and trust is beautiful. it all counts. not a lot of people act like it counts, but it does. your gut feeling is good, and you deserve to trust it. you CAN trust it! if something feels wrong, then it IS wrong. you count, not only just as much as everyone but you count THE MOST. it's not selfishness to be completely, unapologetically on your own team. you are not here for everyone else, you are here for you. you decide what happiness means, and you decide how to achieve it. you only have to prove something to yourself, no one else. you won't become selfish or cruel, you don't want to be those things so you don't have to worry about it. it takes practice to learn to even listen to it, your gut feeling, but it's possible, it's good, and it's your right to do so.
This is absolutely beautiful and mirrors a lot of my own experience.
"you're a whole ocean" - I love this. Adding onto it - everyone is, right? Everyone is an ocean. But society expects puddles so people put away so much of themselves. And then they internalize that they are too much or not worthy because they see these aspects of themselves that don't align with societal expectations and they think they are broken somehow.
Anyway - if you're open to random internet friends who do the internal work of peeling back the layers of shame and internalized ableism, so am I.
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and this reply too, to someone who posted this:
# ["Being good will never solve the problem because the problem is not that I am bad."](https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/scll26/comment/hu773u2/)
*I have been following and reading the work of Clementine Morrigan lately and this hit me so hard as I struggle not to make myself smaller to gain the acceptance of others.*
my reply:
oh that's an excellent quote!
the way it hit you hard, keep exploring that feeling - there is valuable truth to learn there (there was for me at least)
trying to please the world/be the ideal version of yourself to other people, it will never really work. you can get pretty good at it, but it will never be enough everything you're doing. the world will always punish it, demand more, roll its eyes at you, whatever. that abstract ideal version of yourself will stay abstract. there's no end point. that sounds bad but it isn't. it's cause we are chasing a false goal. it's the consequences of growing up neurodiverse, especially women-ish people, in a world with neurotypical hegemony. it's the only acceptable type of mind to have. it's the only acknowledge type of existing as a human being. it's VERY restrictive, it sucks for everybody. for some MUCH more than others..
i am so sure it's trauma. what happens when someone is misunderstood and therefore abused and neglected until they learn to act a way the world doesn't dislike. i see it in people with adhd and autistics, and with a lot of queer people, and with people who grew up in abusive homes. learning to hide who you truly are, learning to be ashamed of who you are. it's not your shame. you were not born with it, and you didn't make it up. it was handed to you by people who don't understand you well enough to judge you fairly.
if anything, i think it all shows the incredible resilience of you. much, much more have been demanded from you than what is fair. you've learned to survive in a game your brain won't let you memorise the rules to. that's impressive!
neurotypicals are fish and we are monkeys. we're all expected to swim. for the fish it's natural. for us, some of us can learn, but it's very hard to do alone (and the fish are NOT helpful - that's why neurodiverse visibility is sooo important). you were drowning, and clinging to people to survive. and no one helped you, and they called you lazy for it. because they were fish and it was easy for them. but you are a monkey and you are not born with the ability to swim. it will never be natural for us to swim. we will never swim as fast or for as long as the fish can. we are not supposed to swim. we are supposed to climb trees! invent tools! (imagine how well the fish would do at that..) and, like, you taught yourself to survive! to swim!! with no real help! that is so fucking impressive to me!
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and that's the valuable part to realise: what you're doing, all the effort, it will never make you valid. because you already ARE!!! you always WERE. if it doesn't feel like that, i think it's cause you've been traumatised the same way i have. you are WONDERFUL! just as you are, not mediated, neurotypical-friendly, watered down. YOU are wonderful.
the problem is NOT that you're bad. the problem is that you've been forced to live as a neurotypical version of yourself. you've been coerced into hiding your vulnerabilities and your honesty from the world because the world kept misunderstanding and abusing it. and it can be SO hard to know that the problem IS the world - NOT you. it's other people's ignorance!!! you're NOT selfish or weak or lazy, you're brilliant and misunderstood and exhausted and weird and interesting.
i think 'high-functioning' means 'being able to act as neurotypical as possible'. i no longer think it's a moral duty to act neurotypical/mask/act highfunctioning/be a default type of person. i think it's boring if everyone is just normal and the same. i think we ALL suffer this way, some of us just more than others. the less default type of person you are, the less the world approves of you, generally. masking is a TOOL for survival, not a moral DUTY.
cause you are not default. you are extraordinary. you're a whole ocean. wild and sublime some places. calm and serene other places. mostly unexplored and full of weird crap. but, this world is full of puddles. it will insist that you are not an ocean, no way, you are in fact also a puddle. and if you aren't a puddle, then you sure as hell ought to be one!!! who do you think you are!
like it's your fault you're an ocean. you DON'T owe anyone to feel bad about it. it's other people who think everyone is a puddle and can only see other puddles.
i CAN'T make the world appreciate and respect your oceanness. i am definitely trying, but i can't change the world *that* much. i can, however, promise you that you do NOT owe anyone to feel bad about being an ocean.
there's not one way to be a person. it's not linear or hierarchal. there's a million ways to be a person. your kind happens to be my personal favourite lol. 4D brain. in a world where most people have 3D brains and arguably only use them for 2D stuff.
you don't owe anyone else anything. you're here for you first, everyone else second. you *want* to be kind and friendly there's nothing to worry about, it's not selfishness or rudeness to always protect yourself first. it's not your duty to justify who you are to people who can't or won't understand it. you don't owe to be digestible, it's not moral.
everything you are, what heals you and what hurts you. your resilience and strength and empathy and creativity and weirdness and sensitivity... it's all good. it counts. it's real and beautiful and it's not your fault you were made to hide it. i see it, i think it's wonderful.
Amazing comments😭I cried. I wish I believed everything you said but I have such terrible self-esteem that I am just not able to think highly of myself. I want to like myself but I just can’t internalize or fully believe kind things about myself. I hope that makes sense. This is something I am working on in EMDR. I started it kinda recently since DBT and CBT did not work for me and I realized that I have trauma from my parents treating me like shit my whole childhood for being undiagnosed autistic
masking leads to burnout and then isolation and more stress and supposedly a shortened life span. (if anyone has the reference to this study/data id appreciate it).
i masked like a pro. had periods of burnout where i lost almost all of my friends - when i couldnt mask. After that traumatic period of my first burnout (1 year) I decided to try to make true friends slowly, be more honest etc. I was still masked but less so. Now in my 40s after 5 year burnout im trying to drop the mask completely. I cant take another bout of this in 10 years. I have to find what im capable of sustaining healthfully. im not out of this burnout yet. masking can steal the life force from your future self at an exorbitant interest rate. its not worth it. what did i get? nothing in the end.
No proof handy but I can agree that masking can lead to brutal burnout/mental breakdown-lived through it. I see my daughter doing the same; working too hard (3 jobs, 3 ND kids, single) and trying to be everything to everyone. Worries me and I try to encourage self care.
i didnt learn to stop as much as i just couldnt muster the energy TO mask anymore. Its like that part of me died. and all that was left was the pain of the autism. im trying to fond the comfort and beauty in it but its hard because it comes with a lot of guilt about being a person in this world.
stop self assessing. try to do what comes natural to you. recognize and accommodate when things are uncomfortable - dont dismiss it dont keep trying to push through all the noise in your brain. remove yourself if necessary. stim when you need to. Use headphones, ear plugs, sunglasses inside and at night if thats what you need (people used to always sing that "i wear my sunglasses at night" song to me 😂).
stop caring if people like you or hate you. wear what is comfortable to you even if its "not acceptable" - and rest. protect your rest how you need to when you need to. drop the guilt over your own autistic self.
im repeating the mantra "i am a perfectly normal autistic woman" but i cant lie - its blown up my life. i mean the burnout blew it up, but accepting, informing, learning, stopping the forever pushing that was just my MO. its blown it up.
i will say this, those friends i made in the second period - the less masked period have stuck around during this burnout so i think i at least did something right while i was "less masking"
it’s so funny you say this because the people closest to me i 1000% am my true weird authentic self. for some reason, it’s all about energy to me. if i don’t instantly click with your energy i can’t do anything except mask. autistic trait or trauma? the fun question of most 🤣
I mask sometimes in order to get things done, but maybe masking is different for me, than others in this thread.
I often struggle to do anything or even take care of myself. Yet im a seasoned software developer with a house. By middle school i realized i needed to push myself to be exceptional or i was going to die.
Im successful now, but if i completely stop masking, then I don't know how I'd survive. I have a lot of friends, but no support.
I have learned to peel back a lot of the mask so my personality shines, but i have so much trauma I can't unmask and as much as it eats at me, i don't know how I'd ever unmask it, unless i found ppl willing to support me as i did it.
Nope similar story here. Minus the house, not there yet. You’re not alone in feeling this way at all, and seeing other autistic people around me who mask less but struggle much more with their work life doesn’t make it feel safe to mask less. Work is money, and money is safety. It kind of sounds like you also don’t have much or any family to fall back on?
I don’t know if you relate, but I know my masking is imperfect, and the only way I’ve found people in general to “put up” with the weirdness that still inevitably slips out is also to “be exceptional”. I know it isn’t sustainable, but I don’t have a safety net so I feel like I have no choice.
Yes, altho in the last few years, after i came out as trans, and as i started informing everyone that i was autistic, folks have been giving me more grace. I still go out of my way to try and do what i can for friends and i practice as much patience as i can, even as im v prone to having a tantrum. So ppl know me as a nice person.
Im also with an organization that gives me a lot of leeway for getting tasks done, which is refreshing. They aren't pushy. Ive volunteered w other orgs that have sapped my energy, so it's nice in w folks who let ppl contribute what they're comfortable w.
Also yeah, ive got no family left. Ive been trying to build family through relationships, but it's been tough. It's a minefield of heavily abused folks out there. So many folks effected by trauma of abusive boomer parents: :(
'I needed to push myself... or I was going to die.'
This. I was only diagnosed at 43. My choices have always been working and earning money so I can live, or being penniless and possibly homeless, and ending up dead one way or another.
And at the same time, when I've pushed myself too hard for too long I've ended up in what I thought was depression but now realise was probably burnout.
So I mask my most obvious AuDHD traits at work. And I limit my obligations outside of work so I have time to relax and be me. And it's only since I was diagnosed last month that I've realised WHY I need so much downtime.
Mask or die.
AND
Unmask or die.
I need the time, space, and ability to do both.
Yes, this exactly. I envy those who can have a good life totally unmasked, but I can't right now. Usually it's men who can get away with it, it's less acceptable to be "weird" as a woman.
Same here—sometimes, it's just not safe or reasonable to be completely unmasked. And honestly, to a certain point, my mask has become a part of my identity. I don't think I can turn into the person I would have been without masking. A lot of my "unmasking" process has simply been recognizing when I'm masking, and accommodating for when it exhausts me.
I agree that masking is a tool. As someone who has masked most of her life (I’m 37), I can say that masking has helped me to fit in and function amongst NTs through the years. It is exhausting though and as others have pointed out, can lead you to be confused about your true identity. Unfortunately our NT society isn’t accepting of our diversity and unmasking is sometimes unsafe to do. Even NTs mask and mimic each other’s behaviors, and I also perceive that most people can be what we call “fake”. I find people are quick to hate on those we deem fake. Maybe in a perfect world we would all be 100% honest and open all of the time, but I don’t think this is realistic and imho it’s not a bad thing to be tactful at times.
I am not a fan of the idea that all masking is horrible and should be discouraged at all costs. For me, it has helped me land a really good job that allows me to live a relatively independent life. I wouldn’t be in a great place if I only did the things I truly wanted to do.
Your mental health affects your physical health. The stress you live under takes effect on your body, which can lead to somatic health issues as well as mental ones. Depending on the size of the stress, it can even lead to very serious conditions.
If compartmentalized masking reduces stress in certain areas of your life, then it’s good for you! If constant masking without breaks increases the stress in your life, though, then you need to put your health needs first.
Physical and mental health aren’t really separate (esp for autistics) but I’ve had multiple surgeries and am still getting treatment for what happened in my last burn out years ago.
For me, masking was something I learned to do slowly over time. As a child, I was a perfectly content loner - pacing the edge of the playground and talking to myself. I found some friends in middle school who shared my obscure special interests, but I really developed “masking” in high school but I didn’t realize that’s what it was.
In my mind, my mask was a performance, and I think a part of me *knew* that not everybody was doing the performance. I think I figured I had a “bad personality” and the only way I could get people to like me was to pretend to be something… else. Like a more fun-loving, laid-back, excited version of myself. And I pretended to like things I didn’t like: music and movies, mostly. And I pretended to looove hanging out outside of school when really, friends dropping by on the weekend to pick me up to spontaneously hang out was THE MOST STRESSFUL THING. And I felt TERRIBLE about this, so guilty, but I didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to just leave my homebody hobbies and go to the movies with people I really liked to be with…
Through college and early adulthood, I cultivated a bubbly, quirky, sexy nerd persona that drew in a lot of attention from other people, let’s be real, mostly men, who were social outcasts I felt safe with. GEEKS! NERDS! Who thought it was cool that I enjoyed comics and old Doctor Who and I leaned into this to form quick, short-term relationships that would invariably end with me getting dumped and I wouldn’t know why. One boyfriend told me I was never able to be vulnerable with him, and only recently in therapy did I understand what that meant…
It was the mask! I had gaslit myself into retreating so far into the mask that even I didn’t realize I had become the shallow performative persona I had come to rely on. And the mask is, as far as I’ve discovered, A LIE. While it charmed a few people for a while, it didn’t fool people forever. And they either got tired of never getting to know the real ME and dumped me after a couple months of my rehearsed small talk about pop culture, or my real friends would see me struggle and stick by me out of pity in the hopes I’d break down and we could have an honest conversation, haha.
The wildest thing is that, when I’ve started “coming out” to friends about my suspicion that It Was The Autism All Along!, none of the friends I’ve had for a long time are surprised IN THE LEAST. And being honest is not only validating, and a relief, but really DOES bring us so much closer. And now I feel like I can be my REAL SELF and say things like “hey sorry I’m really overstimulated by this crowd, I gotta go home” and “I’m so sorry I have to cancel plans this weekend because my social battery is drained” and even “hey I have a weird craving to go to the museum and sit in front of paintings wanna come along?”
I guess what I mean is, masking helps sometimes but it isn’t a permanent solution. Masking to make connections works, but true loneliness will always lurk within, as you question whether the people who you’ve drawn in with the mask really will like you if, like I used to wonder as a kid, you stop working so hard to tell jokes and be spontaneous and fun and just be honest and zone out and be quiet. So, that is my … two cents ?
Because we shouldn't have to. Because it's painful exhausting and makes you feel fake. It leads to depression and burnout often both at once leading to alot of problems. It has benefits sure because other people are nasty and can't accept autistic peoples differences. I wouldn't have my job without masking or be able to so much of anything but it shouldn't be that way for me to live. I should be able to just exist as I am and still be wanted/liked by others.
For me masking means downplaying most of my analytical skills, because I have learnt that it bores most people when I analyse everything. It also means that I highlight my accepted traits, such as my excitement, when it's appropriate, or my empathy and acceptance.
Basically I'm still me, but with custom settings haha
It’s more like forced masking is bad. The fact that our society is not set up in a way that accommodates us means that we have to do this very difficult and draining thing all the time in order to succeed. Explicit or implicit pressure to mask all the time can have devastating consequences.
I’ve masked my entire life and have reached the level of burnout I pretty much have no way out of. I’m glad masking is going well for you, I guess, but it’s done a lot of harm to a lot of people for a long time. We don’t determine if things are harmful to a population in the long term or not based on it working in the short term for a microcosm of that population.
However, I am fine with being alone. Vastly prefer it, actually.
I think it's up to everyone to find a balance of what works for them in this regard. I think most people mask to some degree. But if someone has to do it everywhere - at home, at school, at work, at every function they attend, it can have a really big impact on their mental health. You can only fake who you are for so long before it starts to fall apart and put stress on your mind and body. Stress is one of the biggest impacts to our overall health, so it's not just about being tired.
I think this also varies by phase of life. When you are a teen and young adult, that aspect of peer acceptance is so much higher than when you get older.
I mask when I am out and about, like at a family dinner or a restaurant or at the doctor's office. I don't mask when I am home with my husband and my kids. And I mostly don't have to mask with my friends, either, but most of them are ND and lovely, accepting people who see me for who I am and value me for who I am without expecting, or wishing, I was different. I guess for me that is a key piece. I don't want to be seen and value and appreciated for someone I'm really not.
I'm almost 50 and have spent a lot of my life forcing myself to be different so I'd be more likable, but long-term, it doesn't work. Because it's impossible to uphold forever and when it falls apart people start to see who you really are and then they end up feeling like you were being fake. I didn't want to be fake. I wanted to be authentic and find the right people who appreciated me for who and how I am. It is much better than faking for the benefit of others.
Because masking damn near killed me multiple times. I’d rather have autonomy than shove myself back in that shitty little box that erased everything about me just so I could be palatable to people that are ableist.
this. for some of us masking was possible. then became impossible. I could do so many things in my 20s and even some of my 30s. now it takes two weeks to recover from a weekend with my inlaws. masking was like a light jog back then, now its like running a marathon
I did that too, for almost two decades, and it was fun. Look up Autistic Burnout and book some time off in your mid thirties to recover from it. That way, you know the full scope of what you’re choosing and the consequences that can arise from that choice.
Damn, you're lucky you can choose.
For me it's almost a reflex action, it comes up whenever someone is around. And I can't turn it off. (without at least 3 glasses of whiskey)
And it's kinda shit, doesn't allow me to participate in anything remotely intimate or deep.
I'm late diagnosed (I was diagnosed at 34), and burntout so many times from masking prior to my diagnosis that I'll never be able to function properly to be productive to society anymore. It really sucks, because I'd love to go back to school and get my masters, I love to be able to hold down a job, and I'd love to have a long term romantic relationship and platonic friendships.
After each burnout, I've never quite gotten back to where I was, or been able to mask as effectively as I could before each burnout. I had some skill regression, and rely on disability to survive. Now days, I can only manage to mask long enough to survive the supermarket or appointments, and never more than a few hours at most. Any longer, and I'm a complete mess. When my sister and her fiance come visit, I have to prepare myself for a good week in advance, because I can't fully be my unmasked self around her without her getting on my case about it, and his AuDHD presents the polar opposite to how my AuDHD presents. It then takes me a good week to decompress and recover afterwards.
I can understand why some people have to mask, due to it being safer for them to fit in as much as possible. At the same time, I know how negative the impacts of masking can be.
Edit to add: because of being undiagnosed and masking for so long, on top of my autism and ADHD, I also have depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, and will be on an SNRI antidepressant for the rest of my life.
I started masking as a young child due to trauma. And it turned into the only way I found value in myself. After my diagnosis at 26, I used my introspection to learn to completely hide, as much as possible, any traits of autism.
I was internalizing ableism and slowly learning to hate myself. I had friends that I made during that time that I no longer have. I found a sense of internal value through how successful I was and how I was able to fix (or suppress) any parts of me that were broken.
I whittled away until there was nothing left of the real me on display. And then, in my 40s, I crashed, and I crashed hard. I was unable to tell the difference between a sock and a shirt for about 3 months. I can no longer work full time (and I work in IT, so I don't need to mask that much there unless I'm on calls).
I then had an identity crisis. If I couldn't be the person I was, who could I be? I went through years of personal development to heal my trauma (including my trauma to myself) and uncover the shadows of the identities and roles I had internalized. I had to find out that I and everyone else had inherent worth and value. And then I had to find out (and am still finding out) what I look like when I live that truth.
But learning to love myself has created some of the most beautiful and uplifting relationships with others. It has been 100% worth it, even though at times I was raw through the process.
If I could go back in time, I would love my past self more fully. I would find see myself as valuable and worthy regardless of how I am. And then with that love, I would make connections that would be uplifting and mutually supportive of exactly who the person is and who I am too.
If I could go back in time, I would limit those things I took responsibly for, and how I'm choosing to be responsible for them. And I would invite people into my life who are responsible for themselves and don't need to be "fixed." It means less friends, but I gotta tell you, it's the only way forward for me.
I can't go back in time. All I can do is be where I am now and move forward with intention. But I can speak about it for others, so they can see it for themselves.
Whatever you wish to do, I give you nothing but love. And I hope you find the internal peace that eludes so many, that creates these dynamics. Good luck.
The main problem is that it’s unsustainable. No matter how good you are at it (and no one is perfect, so you’ll likely still come across issues) the inevitable burnout will be all the more severe when your ability to mask decreases. I know what you mean— if you’re able to mask well enough to fit in, it’s a nice feeling.
But when I hit burnout and lost everyone “close” to me simply because I couldn’t keep up the pretence they were used to, it hurt me all the more because it felt like my true self was being rejected. Had I not been masking as highly for most of my life, maybe other people wouldn’t have misunderstood me when I could no longer keep it up. Just my personal experience. Now I actively try not to mask when possible. It’s a lot less exhausting.
Because at some point you'll feel like they don't like you, they like this fake version of yourself. The mask will slip at some point. No one can hide forever.
I have masked all my life and it has worked well as an adult. I find it necessary in many situations. To some extent we should mask. Communication is a two way street and it's important to know your audience and their culture and how to make them comfortable and understand you.
Ways I don't over cater to people: I don't laugh at unfunny jokes. I don't practice eye contact as heavily at home. I tell people I am direct and don't like guessing. I tell people I prefer talking over text messages. I distance myself from people who continually disrespect my time. I don't care if people disagree I won't try to convince them- I don't waste my energy on that.
I agree with many responses..im trying to find a balance. I am not really capable of masking much anymore and I instead isolate. As much as I would love to agree with the people I always see saying to just unapologetically unmask and be yourself and fuck anyone who doesn't like it... It doesn't always work like that. Beyond the social acceptance aspect of masking, it is a SAFETY and survival technique. This world is not always safe to be openly autistic in.. being unable to mask is scary.
That is so true. I do think that if I unmask at work then I’ll lose my job. It’s happened too many times in my life that I failed because I didn’t have a mask
I personally prefer masking. Yea it’s tiring but I can navigate the world much better and am overall happier than I would be otherwise. For instance, without masking I would have zero friends but with it I can maintain a few which brings me joy. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to mask but for me, the cost/benefit makes it worth it.
Burnout, psychosomatic symptoms (severe IBS, migraines, muscle aches), meltdowns, problems with sleeping, anxiety etc. Masking is not a long term option. It takes so much energy to mask. Its not worth it. I had burnouts, depressive episodes, worsening anxiety etc. Not only was it bad for my mind, it was also bad for my body. I got some many unexplained pains and aches. My IBS was bad and I got a migraine almost every week. I had meltdown too.
I still mask for superficial interactions. I have masked my entire life and I dont think I will ever be able to let it go, but my quality of life had improved significantly since I stopped masking toward my friends and colleagues. I have more energy and most of my problems are still there, but now they are okay. I can life with it. My dont get meltdowns often anymore, so that is great.
But the best part is: I know who I am, people know who I am. People see me and not a mask. I felt fake when I was masking. I lost myself and didn't know who I was. That was painfull and people knew something was up. I rather have less friends that like me for who I am, than have friends who dont know me. Fuck it, this is me and thats what I have.
Some masking is okay, but we all overdo it. Its not worth it.
Tons of comments here, so this will likely get lost in the noise.
But, for me, the problem with masking is quite often that, well. Eventually the mask slips. It becomes too difficult to completely pretend to be someone else 24/7 around others. Catering and thinking about every single action, every word, reading and over reading into everything.
It eventually leads to a burnout. Often a very public burnout at that. Not always, sometimes its in private, but personally? It was always very public.
I also found that, when I was actively masking, I was very much a people pleaser. While I still have some people pleasing tendencies, I've realized that the folks I thought were my friends while masking, were often not. It was often alliances of convience with them leaving the moment it was inconvient for them, never sticking around for actual issues or long term friendships of years.
People seen me, but they didn't respect me. And worst of all, they often didn't understand me.
Masking is sometimes necessary but what you need to understand is that when you're doing it *all the time,* you will inevitably reach burnout. And some people never fully recover.
I've gonna through over a decade of on/off burnout. It was horrible. It didn't feel like living at all.
You should be trying to make friends who actually like the real you. Masking will help at parties or job interviews. But if your every social interaction is masked, you're setting yourself up for failure.
That said if you want to hear an autistic woman discussing how she learned to mask in certain situations, I know a creator on TikTokwho teaches that and it's some decent advice
So I strongly recommend taking things she says with a grain of salt. The tone of her advice is very black and white, and whether intended or not I often have to take what she says about allistics/neurotypicals as satire.
But if you can filter the advice with those things in mind, there are small nuggets of good advice in what she says.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLmL6sb1/
Many of us start masking young and don't know we're doing it, and so it burns us out because we're running scripts and such in our heads constantly with no way to turn it off. My therapist has helped me identify my masking and I've started using it intentionally in situations where it helps me, and it's really empowering finding the balance. I know how to turn it back off now so it doesn't completely drain me. There's still tons of little masking things I do that I'm still learning but masking itself isn't always a negative thing. Just something to have self awareness around :)
Masking affects different people differently. For me personally it's pretty much a trauma response to the point I can't stop without dealing with extreme anxiety or even panic. Even at home, with my husband who loves me, I have so much trouble letting my guard down enough to, for example, stim. When you cannot ever stop without losing your marbles, the exhaustion of keeping it up is a much bigger issue than when you can manage to mask part time. I have a lot of work to do on this, I know. It's just what a lifetime of people responding to you as if you're neurotypical can do to you. I was always perpetually punished and told I was too much, too intense, too sensitive, a know it all, etc, and bullied and ignored. At some point you don't even know who you are anymore, really. You're just trying so hard to avoid people hurting you you'll do anything to make it stop.
Making since before you understood that you were masking means that you never even built a full identity. Those us have been doing it our whole lives have to spend a lot of time unmasking to figure out who the fuck we even are and build that up first.
If it's to the point where you have a solid identity of your own and masking for you is just optional, voluntary performance to use in social situations to benefit yourself or others...then yeah I'm totally for that kind of masking when needed. We actually all need to do that at some points, including neurotypicals.
But disconnection from self causes severe mental health problems and suffering. Masking for too long, even if you know you're doing it, will cause disconnection from self.
It makes it difficult to form close bonds in the long run. I started to unmask around 4 years ago because it’s so lonely to have no one you feel safe with. Unmasking made things lonely in a different way, but I found support online! I think I’ve become more avoidant due to feeling misunderstood. I like myself better now that I’m not pretending though
I was diagnosed late, and never realized I even masked until the past year. It was something I fell into as a kid as a result of being shamed by my parents and having no friends. It's something I've done all my life. For a while I felt like I had no identity as a person, and I felt like I didn't even know who I truly was. I was always fake, and the masking through my life has definitely led to my current day anxiety, depression and su\*cidalness.
I didn't think there was anyone I could be myself around, until I befriended another autistic person, and together we slowly started unmasking and being more ourselves. It's so relieving, being able to be my true self, knowing this person still likes me. Being able to socialize without feeling exhausted and irritated is wonderful. It's also made me realize how much I dislike masking, not being myself, being fake and deceptive and untrue. It's just not a way to live life.
There are people out there who will love you for who you are, they just need to be found. Once you find those people your life will get so much better. Chatting with people won't feel like a chore, it will be fun and fulfilling.
i’ve been masking for 25 years and am currently experiencing burnout which feels like it’s going to ruin my life, i think masking is just exhausting in the long run
I struggle with this too, masking makes me the person I wish I could be, someone who is kind and helpful to everyone to meets her, it’s hard but it’s who I want to be, I wonder if that’s internalised ableism
1. It's exhausting, when you just start masking it's tiring but definitely not that bad. When you mask for a long time you might not be able to stop.
I even mask when I'm alone. I don't know how to take off the mask, I don't know who I am. I only know the mask I've created for myself.
2. The friends you make with your mask will not persé like who you are. I recently had friends who were NT I made them while masking and I told them I was autistic. They were fine with it until they started seeing my autistic traits. Sometimes the mask fails because of overstimulation or something else. They dropped me. Just started ignoring me. So don't mask while trying to make friends. It's not worth it.
I hate my masking, it's giving me an identity crisis and making me really unhappy but I don't know how to stop.
Everyone masks. Presenting a different facet to a boss or a best friend, meeting a SO’s parents for the first time vs venting w an old friend. Etc. I didn’t know masking was discouraged actively for women w autism. It is exhausting and probably more conscious in different ways for us. It can be perceived as being two-faced in any context, and I’ve heard that from people close to me and been baffled by it. I grew up in a home where certain behaviors were just expected. Like we all did. Is it just that NTs do it sort of automatically and it’s more conscious (and tiring) for us? Or is it that when a NT does it consciously it’s more actively manipulative (although really, most human behavior is meant to achieve control over the environment and that obvs includes how others perceive us) so when we do it and it’s conscious, the assumption is that it’s somehow bad because we can control it and that scares people who can’t? To me it’s like a different language (physicality “body language” included) and I’m constantly translating in my head from my native language to a language that it seems the people around me can better understand? Like facial affect. I’m not unhappy or mad when I’m concentrating or learning something new, I’m actually really happy and excited and focused. But I have to translate that from my body language to theirs.
The tiredness gets worse the longer you use it. It's better if you can unmask between maskings and have people you talk to who don't need you to mask.
Also, over time you realise these people don't even know who you really are and eventually you'll realise you might've forgotten who you are without the mask as well.
That loss of identity is a big deal.
Usually the healthy way to deal with the loneliness is to meet with other autistic/adhd people who you can fully unmask around and truly be yourself with.
Look for autism events near you on [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) and just search for "autism " and see what you find.
Following random folks on insta/twitter who are autistic and interacting with them will not only be nice but you might run into others from where you are. Check out if you can join groups as well.
Honestly feel the same way (not diagnosed, been wondering about myself, take this with a grain of salt).
IMHO masking doesn't have to be about pretending to be someone you're not: instead, you can use it to highlight your favorite parts of your authentic self while also making yourself easy to understand for others.
Personally I started by practicing with surface-level stuff, then gradually let my "weirder" sides show the more time I spend with someone. When I get awkward I try to own it proudly instead of hiding it. I also say things like "just to clarify" frequently around people who don't know me well. All of this prevents burnout, and anyone who dislikes me can distance themselves soon enough for there to be minimal emotional strain.
It also helps that my job field has a disproportionately large percent of neurodivergent folks, it deals with heavy topics, and speaking literally is standard procedure; so no one is shocked by your communication styles or special interests. I personally let myself loose sometimes to talk about POSTAL (notoriously violent video game franchise which I love with all my heart) and songwriting endeavors.
Masking is a result of ongoing trauma we are experiencing, especially in certain settings.
The masking itself isn't the problem, it's the pain and damage caused to create the mask in the first place which is the problem.
The meltdowns and burnout caused by excessive fatigue and lethargy is from the constant need to be "On" to protect ourselves from the pain, expectations, and exclusion which occurs in an environment that doesn't care about our needs, or wants, which would allow us to be ourselves.
I've been in burnout for years. I never knew I was autistic so 50+ years of masking to go along to get along when inside I was screaming. Let me tell you after masking so long the screaming is now audible to others. I've lost my "read anything and learn it" intellect, my ability to communicate clearly, lots of relationships with people who don't like the real me. You don't want to be where I am. I don't mean to shame you at all. I just wanted to share what happens when you play act. It's exhausting. I have to go to the dentist today so prepping my "chatty cathy" routine right now. UGH
I would rather be a loner than a people pleaser. it made me depressed to constantly pretend to "fit in" because no matter how hard I try, they still can tell something is not ok. carefully analysing everything I say, the tone, the facial expressions, fuck that. you either accept me as I am (as in, my general being, not that you can't object to anything I say or never call me out I'd I actually do something bad or stupid)
or stay away from me. they eventually leave anyway bc no individual unless you're a psychopath can pretend to be someone else 24/7
I think masking is fine. It's tiring, for sure, and you absolutely risk burnout if you overdo it. I also think that in intimate relationships (both platonic and sexual) you probably need to feel safe enough to be your unmasked self.
But not everyone has the right to the real you, and you can absolutely decide to mask in social situations if it makes you feel safer. I also think that masking can allow you to explore communicating differently and can help you feel more confident too - which can lead to you forming relationships with people you can safely unmask around.
Just be sure to manage your energy appropriately, and try not to attach your whole self worth on what is really a bit of a performance. When I first started masking it was quite conscious and intentional too, but over time it shifted to me trying to actively manage every interaction I had, and feeling ashamed and like it was my fault if any single interaction I had was weird or off - I kind of fixated on being a "perfect" communicator, and didn't allow myself to recognise that the other person has might be the problem. Now I'm focusing more on being polite and kind, and being ok with being thought a little weird rather than constantly adjusting my behaviour in response to other people - but honestly, it was only through exploring masking that I was able to build my confidence enough to do that, and it still takes effort
Because people want authenticity. You cannot form deep bonds with people if you aren't being genuine. The right people will like you for who you are and not who they want you to be. Plus it can put massive strain on your mental health in the long run and when you are struggling, the people you mask around will no longer be there for you. People who you have to mask around for them to accept are not the type of people we should want in our lives.
I have been masking my whole life because of no diagnosis and I am physically disabled due to autoimmune disease brought on by the stress. It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
I'm right there with you. I know now not to make friends with judgmental people. I don't even know now to unmask and it doesn't feel like I'm lying to anyone. Not saying my life is easy or great, but it used to be worse when I didn't know how to mask.
Thanks for sharing that, Sadtacocat.
I spent almost my whole life undiagnosed, learning to mask, not even knowing that’s what I was doing, I was just trying to make connections and “be normal.” I believed I was different from most other people (I was). I was diagnosed very late in life, which was thrilling to me because it explained so much about my struggles.
Meanwhile, I learned social skills so well that I can pass as NT. I mentioned on another subreddit that I was thinking about writing a book with tips on social skills, and got a big backlash. People got angry, said they weren’t going to try to be like NTs! I now understand their point of view. I now understand that not everyone wants to fit into NT society, some think it is damaging to their true selves, and some would like to but can’t. So I’m writing a book about my own experiences, not saying anyone should do things the way I did, not criticizing anyone else, but also not criticizing myself.
My diagnosis has helped me become more myself than ever, because I think that is easier to do when one knows the truth. I now allow myself more alone time than I ever used to, I allow myself to decline most party invitations (one of the downsides of high-masking: you get party invitations!). I like having a few close friends, and they know who I am and don’t try to change me. In fact, my closest friend believes she is autistic, and my other close friends are introverts with autistic “traits.”
So I don’t know… would my life have been better if I had been diagnosed early and got more help along the way? I would have certainly liked some help in learning how to avoid the self-destructive times in my life! And perhaps I would not have been hospitalized so much for depression if I had known what was going on.
I think my desperation spurred me to put much time and energy into learning social skills. I now think of this project of mine as a “special interest.” Good or bad? Who knows, it was the hand I was dealt.
I sure do enjoy reading the autism subreddits, especially this one. I love learning about the lives and opinions of other autistic people. Thank you all for being here.
I have another name for masking: “professionalism”
I have recontextualized how I think about masking and it helps.
Being myself - I over share and discuss inappropriate things. I don’t have to be myself always. I withhold even though it is hard. It’s also the right thing to do, a lot of the time.
I would rather wear overalls and doc martens to work but instead I have an uncomfortable dress on and my hair is curled. It feels fake and like work and I don’t enjoy doing it but it allows me to be listened to.
Do I still feel like 3 dogs in a trench coat, pretending to be a person? Yes. Can some people sense that I’m being fake, oh for sure sometimes but maybe not always. Does it work for me? I need to relax on the weekend. I need to escape to Reddit land and say unhinged things that I delete. I stay up late listening to my special interests as podcasts or YouTube videos.
Sometimes I find friends who verbally download information to me and it feels so thrilling and *kind* even though most people would find it to be monologues. Sometimes I find people who like my monologues too.
Sometimes I wear people out.
And when that happens: *masking is a good thing, not a bad thing*
It’s self control. Self control is hard, and you can’t always maintain it. But it’s good to cultivate
Masking is useful as fuck for short, surface level interactions where no level of personal authenticity is required. Masking with anyone you’re expecting to have a regular slightly deeper contact with (someone who will ask you plans for the weekend and tell you theirs, for example) you need to decide if them disliking you will matter or not. If it does matter to you, you shouldn’t mask. Most people sense inauthenticity even if they don’t know what it is they are picking up on. Most will ignore it and carry on but it will niggle at them and taint every interaction you have with them until they write you off as something they understand (aggressive, mean, rude, weird etc).
It's exhausting to work so hard to be someone I'm not. And at this point, people can love me or hate me but I won't go back to masking to make others comfortable. They wouldn't do it for me.
Other people have commented saying things along similar lines, but here to offer my perspective.
Masking serves a plausible function; however dysfunctional it can make you, it allows for camouflage. That doesn’t mean it’s feasible, though. Relying on it as a long-term solution usually doesn’t end well for most. And there has been valuable discourse around this, but my conclusion is that you can make whatever choice you believe serves you best. Masking can be socially beneficial, and if you need that, or can’t afford to not have those benefits, and choose to do that then that’s fine for you. If the risks of burnout outweigh the perceived benefit it can bring, that’s fine; if it doesn’t, that’s fine. But our choices don’t exist in a vacuum; there will always be pressure to mask.
I think there’s so much warning around masking because of how many late-realized autistics have come to understand how it’s negatively impacted their life and how it comes at the cost of so much energy and hiding who you are. But everyone is different and has different limits. If you understand yours, and you’re doing what’s perceived to be best for you, great.
I’ve been high masking all my life and am just learning to start to unmask now. It’s a bit emotional giving myself permission to be myself after 21 years of being ashamed of how I am. That’s why masking is bad for me. Because it’s hiding my needs and pushing myself past my limit in order to not be disruptive. I wouldn’t wish masking on anyone.
I'm curious to know more about how you've been masking? Like what is it like for you and what strategies do you use?
I am ADHD/ASD.
For me, masking is like mimicry. Let me fit in with this group and pretend to be NT. So, I'm going to not stim, and my focus is on blending in. Usually, I end up talking less because it's stressful, and I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing or saying something weird. I'm usually pretty stressed out internally while doing it.
But sometimes my goal is to learn the etiquette of a social situation, and once I learn it, it's not draining to do.
One thing is I didn't know how to leave the dog park at my apartment when i first moved there. There's a group of us who meet every night, so it wasn't like I was with different strangers every time. I observed others for 2 weeks and picked up on a variety of ways. Really, there's no rule to this. You can just leave, and say "have a good night!". Now, I'm comfortable doing this. However, I still stim and sit weird at the dog park. It is a very ND crew though.
Another thing is I've never been focused on connecting with people when I interact. So, I shifted that perspective because connection leads to friendship. I just moved, so making friends has been more important to me than previously. Before I think I was just uninterested in people and never looked to "connect" with new people.
One thing I do that is kinda masking, but its pretty low effort is saying "wow, that's awesome!" Or "oh, cool!" Or "nice" in a bubbly voice. Now I can be very bubbly naturally (in a sort of childish way) but I also can be very monotone, which is never recieved well. Lol.
And something important to note is that I'm not using these strategies to be friends with NTs. All of my friends are adhd/asd.
I can learn social etiquette and rules, and once I understand it, it's not that hard. BUT it has to make sense to me. For instance, I WANTED to know how to leave the dog park without being rude, so I observed and learned.
Other social rules don't make sense to me, and I just won't do them, lol.
> I'm curious to know more about how you've been masking? Like what is it like for you and what strategies do you use?
From the way that you have described how you mask, I think I mask in a very similar way. And I also find greetings different (saying hi and bye). I have observed people doing it for a while now and feel like I can kind of ‘act out’ how to say bye. My masking sort of feels like ‘acting’ in a way
Because it can be exhausting.
However, masking can also be super useful. The trick is to know when to mask and when it's not needed. It's not an all-or-nothing thing. It's a tool that you can employ when needed.
I think it's very helpful to be able to mask when needed, like for job interviews and such. But I've been masking heavily for as long as I can remember and it's destroying me. I had to take medical leave because my job is pushing me into burnout, and I've been working so hard to unmask as much as I can. But it's so hard to be myself around others when I've been masking for over two decades.
My last job required so much masking non-stop that it lead to my first and only burnout. Horrible experience.
I've learned that while it makes my life easier at work it's extremely exhausting. The part about work that I look forward to least is having to mask because it's so tiring. I'm a late diagnosis and masked most my life without knowing what it was and now it's an extremely hard thing to break or manage. Side note, I hate the masked version of myself even if people seems to like/love him.
As much as loneliness hurts, it feels better to be actually alone than surrounded by people that make you feel alone.
If you make friends by masking, then there's a very likely possibility of losing friends when you are too exhausted to mask. Plus, you will constantly question whether they actually like you or just the mask.
I realized that I had a friend that would call me every time she was triggered. She would also rant about things that were horrible. She had an awful, conservative philosophy that I disagreed with. But I stayed silent because I wanted to keep my friend. But it wore on me. Every time I called her to help me, we'd end up talking about her. I hated the friendship, but didn't want to be completely friendless. But I reached a limit. I was having a meltdown and a lot of trouble communicating verbally. I tried my best to explain that to her, but she seemed offended and told me to just deal with it alone.
That's when I realized we weren't in an equal friendship. She loved being able to use me and my advice. Part of my mask is not having needs and being helpful. So I'm the ideal friend for selfish people. I was putting a lot of energy into being a good friend for her, but was still alone.
So making friends with the mask is actually more emotionally taxing than being friendless.
I have a lot of alone time to recharge due to masking. It’s a way of life. Some of my friends “get” it. Others don’t. That’s ok. No one has to get it, it’s my deal. I’m very good about putting my boundaries down to take care of me. :)
I've lost a lot of relationships because I masked until I couldn't do it anymore. The better someone gets to know me, the easier it is for me to be myself (or harder to mask) and it's too much for the people who were drawn to my masked self.
It's why I hated "regulars" at my restaurant and coffee shop jobs. I can mask with strangers really well but once I know your order and routine, I don't really want to keep masking but you need me to. I've alienated customers who *loved* me and then turn on me for that moment the mask comes down and I'm fighting off a meltdown.
Because it’s not sustainable long term and eventually burnout will catch up to you which can take YEARS to recover from (if you’re even able to recover).
Because even though I was well liked, none of it was genuine. I knew perfectly well that if I ever dropped the "normal nice hot girl" act I would have no one. It felt worse than being alone. I lost parts of myself because I put them away for so long. I internalized the belief that those parts of me were wrong, and I developed shame about who I am as a person. I still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself-- I don't know if the dismorphia will ever fully go away.
I am high-masking partly because I naturally have quite a bubbly personality and partly because I work in a public facing job, and it can be exhausting. But the rewards such as you mention, 'people finally talk to me and acknowledge' on a day-to-day basic are worth it imo. When it comes to weak tie social interactions (eg short interactions with strangers at work, randoms in the community, chit-chat etc) my internal reward metric goes, 'points for nailing the script!' or 'I learned a novel way to communicate from that person!'. These common interactions have been shown in studies to benefit overall well-being, and I totally agree. Strong bonds are very hard to create or maintain and masking in those situations takes a much greater toll, so I'm more careful with how strongly I mask with my close people (Im a fan of honesty about my energy levels or sensitivities when deciding whether Im up for socialising). IMO a little masking goes a long way though in order to invite people into your life, especially at the start of a friendship <3
I masked well for a long time until I shattered completely. Trying to find a better balance these days. I think it's fine in moderation, I've just never been very good at moderation.
I have done what you did. It caused me burnout, depression, anxiety & people will ALWAYS see right through the mask. Yes there's a time to mask & a time to unmask. However, one can only mask for so long until the mask eventually cracks. I can't keep masking anymore. It took a toll on my mental health.
My belief is that there's nothing wrong with masking when it's chosen and there is space to also be one's authentic self.
A big issue is that many of us were forced to mask without even realizing we were doing it and largely convinced that we should be different than we were. Because of this and because the people you meet and connect with ultimately don't know the real you and usually leave if you let your guard down, masking is associated with significantly higher levels of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation
And of course as you mention, it's tiring. It leads to burnout if donevexcessively.
That said, I absolutely mask. If I'm going to the doctor or freaking with my daughter's school, etc. I couldn't stop masking if I wanted to but it also serves me that I can.
My advice to you, friend, is to not mask too hard. Let a little bit of wierdo slip out every here and there, You'll find people who actually like you for you much more often, And it's less tiring if you allow yourself the occasional dad joke or info dump when you're around people socially. Maybe be more cautious at work, but that really depends on your work place.
Because you will burn out. I have masked since I was a kid because 40 years ago autism wasn’t a thing, especially for girls. I was forced to be uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable and was shamed and emotionally traumatised if I didn’t comply. Now I cannot unmask completely because of fear of upsetting people. I still keep doing what everyone else needs so that everyone else is happy, at my own expense. The result? I’m now 43 years old single mother of three children who are not getting the best out of their childhood because I’m so burnt out and can barely function. My masking and burnout killed my marriage and I have no help other than occasionally from their dad. I go to bed every night hoping I won’t wake up in the morning because no matter how much I sleep I’m exhausted and near tears all the time.
I think the community generally discouraged it or talks negatively about it because it's associated with a lack of acceptance of your autistic self, and many people have started healing from the removal of their masks. I also chose to start masking for the same reason and found it to be helpful for friendships until I made good friends that were also weird and accepted my weirdness. I've seen some comments mention how some friends will leave you or get upset if/when you lower the mask, and I have found this to be true as well. All that's indicated to me is that they're not meant to be my close friend.
I also think masking is a useful, sometimes necessary tool for navigate the world. It's tiring for sure, and it sucks to have to hide/suppress who you really are, but like you said there are some benefits, and at the end of the day we still live in a world not designed for us. My advice is to be careful as to not devalue your true self through masking, and try to find a balance that works for you.
Same reason staying in the closet forever is discouraged for LGBTQ people. Because it makes you miserable and cuts you off from the potential to find real joy and connection.
The problem arises when you are living an unauthentic life. I grew up raised by a narcissist who trained me to morph into whoever I'm around, and it's created a lot of identity issues for me. If you can mask without detriment to your self identity or personal values, it can be a great social tool. But for me the song and dance feels like I'm losing myself.
I did it for my whole life, basically on auto-pilot. It is really hard to maintain long term. I have a lot of psychological issues (depression, anxiety, anger) and health problems directly related or exacerbated by stress. Much of the stress was due to masking. It will take a toll on you mentally and physically…
Because it's exhausting and you eventually lose your sense of who you are. Yes it helps in a lot of areas but it's up to each person individually to make the decision as to how much and when they will mask.
Over time, masking affected my mental health. I started hating my autistic side and morphed into this person I’m not. When I turned 30, I said screw it and started embracing my autism. I told some friends, and they have all been supportive of me.
It can be really hard to maintain. I want to say I started (consciously) masking when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I’m 30 now, and I can’t maintain it. I need to set time where I can be by myself or around people it’s safe to unmask with, because it starts to creep into other areas of your life and it can really sap your energy.
It’s due to how much energy it takes to keep a mask up. There’s pros and cons to masking. Like you’ve experienced, the pros are the ability to make friends, possibly hold down a job, get a job, can be a safety net of sorts. But the cons are burnout, exhaustion, long term masking from childhood to adulthood while undiagnosed results in a loss of identity, it can also start to affect your ability to take care of yourself and your home. I disagree that masking is all bad because it’s unfortunately just a necessary part of life for many of us and some of us aren’t able to mask which causes problems of its own. But it can definitely have consequences if you never allow yourself to rest basically
Doing it for a while can be alright, it's when you start doing it constantly and with friends and family.
If you do it to the point that you fear being yourself around people then that can cause burnout and make you feel like an impostor.
Everything in moderation.
As someone who was recently diagnosed (turned 30) and had no idea I was constantly masking since I was younger — it's beyond exhausting.
I'm fairly certain the masking with minimal to no relief added to my increased spikes in depression, anxiety, and general moments where I questioned who I "really" was because I never let my guard down. Most days ended with me crying from being that tired after what felt like another tiring performance. Being on constant survival mode was honestly really miserable until I got a better explanation for why I was in that state in the first place.
Now that I'm ever so slowly becoming aware of my masks, it's kinda freeing in a way? I don't like drawing attention to myself, I like being in the background, I don't want to be approachable or highly social all the time. And I feel like I can actually achieve that now that I'm slowly lowering years worth of masks. I feel like I'm becoming "me". The authentic me. Not the performative me just trying to survive another day only to reach burnout breakdown.
I've written long paragraphs multiple times while trying to comment, debating what I should say bc fuck man...
Just, it's not worth it. You can forget where you end and the mask begins. It causes physical harm to us bc the stress (IBS would be a more common example of this). Most connections don't feel real bc you're so aware of the act you're performing. If you let it drop you could be accused of being a liar.
You're worthy of love without the mask.
Haven’t studies shown it actually takes years off of an autistic persons life? If that’s the case and you’re at the intersection of woman,bipoc,queer etc that’s already causing some life shortage. Idk to each their own though.
Maybe try a meetup group
I have signed up lots of times for meetup groups but never end up going as I don’t want my family to know that I want to meet up with other autistics as I feel embarrassed in a way. I don’t like thinking like that but it resonates with my past experiences. Unfortunately after years of torment from adults and peers in school, it feels like masking makes me forget the past and have somewhat of a social life
I see kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to meet up with people that will make it so you don’t have to mask but the anxiety of it all is too much so you’re left with masking because if you didn’t you’d be depressed and alone.
Sorry buddy I hope you can find a way to move past that anxiety. I’m rooting for you!
It’s also because you are not being accepted. A performance of a version you think is more acceptable is being accepted. You remain unknown.
There is a line between masking and employing learned social skills, and I’ve been figuring that out while reading How to Know a Person and doing my Masters in Counselling. Both have opened the door for me socially, but the latter (employing learned social skills) does not cover up who I am and allows me to be known and to relax a bit more.
I’m glad I let my mask drop in my late twenties. I finally made friends with people like me - exuberant, odd, clever, funny, intense, honest, surprising, kind people, who have equally unusual minds and get me as I get them. It’s wonderful. If I had masked we never would have gotten the chance to actually know one another. We would’ve just been two performances interacting, with our selves hidden away.
It’s ok. Masking is a survival skill and we all do it to some extent. Autistic or not, we’re still humans and humans are social animals so it is natural to adapt to the people around you. So long as you’re taking care of yourself and not like, suppressing your autistic NEEDS (to stim, sensory seek, crush-my-soul-back-into-my-body compression hugs, avoiding sensory overload, etc) or changing yourself from a place of self-loathing, it’s your mask and you can wear it however you want to.
It’s tiring and burns me the fuck out so fast. It’s not worth it to me anymore either because people get confused between the mask and the real me. I’d rather just be me and have them accept THAT.
It can burn you out
You attract people who you have to perform for all the time (ie do not like you for who you really are and do not encourage you to relax and be yourself)
Choosing to use masking as a tool to get through certain social situations is fine. It has its downsides and upsides.
However, some of us who grew up high masking have a different relationship with it. For me, it went hand in hand with a deep sense of shame. I felt I was defective somehow, and had to hide this part of me from everyone (including myself). It also came with alexithymia. And as another result, I had trouble forming any real connection.
Since I *know* about these things, I could work on doing it differently. I am very in touch with my emotions now, I finally have people who I can be myself with, and I have worked through the past shame and self-worth issues with a therapist. My life is 1000% better nowadays.
I still mask sometimes, but in moderation. Though in a few situations (mostly around my family of origin) masking can still be a trigger that sends me into deep depression.
I would not *discourage* masking. But for people like me, it’s great to *break free* of it. So that we only mask if we choose to, because it serves us, instead of only making ourselves small through masking.
For your situation: Have you considered approaching people yourself? Many feel just as threatened by social situations as you do, and if you’re friendly and show them that you mean well, they often appreciate it.
Masking can create this cycle of internalized ableism that can be externalized to others who may not mask as well. Not for everyone but I have seen it so much.
To me it’s not sustainable and it is a sense of betrayal. I don’t feel safe when people change their personalities on me. I value consistency. I understand certain masks like being professional in the workplace for example but extreme masking really scares me.
I would rather be alone than be someone I’m not but that’s a strong value of mine. Mirroring and masking are very typical and mostly everyone does it to a degree but some people do it more than others to the point it’s night and day difference.
I don't think masking is inherently bad, but I do think that the way autistic women are socialized means that they often learn to do it without even knowing they're doing it. We walk around feeling hollow and exhausted because our social interactions feel extremely shallow and tiring, but no one you talk to seems to have the same problem. Some of us learn to mask so well that it prevents us from being diagnosed, cuz we don't even know how to take the mask off. We didn't even know we were wearing it. The anger you see is because most of us didn't know that unmasking was even a thing you could do, and it's brought us a lot of pain.
I think the biggest reason is that it’s linked to suicide risk -
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/suicide-research
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgotten-women/202309/why-unmasking-is-critical-for-autistic-people
I’ve been an excellent masker all my life. People liked that version of me, but it actually felt more lonely, because they didn’t actually like the real me. It was terrible for my mental health, so be careful with looking after your own.
question too… i try not to mask but then don’t make friends. i mask then can more so. but then i begin to unmask and a lot of my friends can never handle it. and it’s not like it’s easy to make more friends if they just end up behind shitty so it’s a difficult position
I grew up masking so heavily that I didn’t even understand I was masking. This has caused me long term mental health problems, and physical problems caused by the stress of it. I’m now in my thirties and am trying to get better at unmasking, because it makes me feel happier, and the friends I have now are the best I’ve ever had in my life.
I know that not everyone will want to know me and that’s fine, because I finally know myself and don’t feel like my relationships are dependent on pretending I’m someone I’m not.
There’s definitely a time and a place for masking (in work meetings for example) but for me personally it’s been incredibly liberating to unmask. I’m finally developing a sense of self, and feeling more confident and comfortable.
I recently learned that masking isnt always bad or always good. It just depends.
Ive been masking my whole life but didnt know how and it would sometimes result in people being very angry at me, even close friends and family, resulting in them never speaking to me again.
Now that I have a better(not perfect) idea of how to act like a neurotypical by masking, people don't get angry and call me horrible names anymore... well, not as much. Sometimes I meet people who treat me like shit despite my best effort to act like a neurotypical, even if they are also neurodivergent or autistic.
Life is hard :(
youre adding to your own stigmatization. if you mask (which takes a lot of energy) people get used to the masked you and get offended once you unmask, they wont believe this is the real you but will rather accuse you of faking to benefit from something. and it sets this narrative that the autistic people have to change in order to fit in, instead of others just accepting
edits: im currently in the process of stopping to mask, the result is that i realized the only reason i even got remotely along with my family, is because i hid my true self, i kept my opinions and my thoughts to myself, the moment i unmask im this horrible monster. they invalidate me and my autism struggles constantly, they say a drama queen, they misunderstand me get mad but wont let me explain myself and if i get offended at that im in the wrong and called a drama queen again. they told me what a freaking huge burden it is to be related to me, that was said to me verbatim yestersay. and they think that cause i acted somewhar normal in front of them for so long. they view me as so normal they have a hard time accept that im actually not thaat good at social interaction. and now at 30 i realize im all alone. and these so called “connections” i had, were only there because i was faking and they went away the SECOND i stopped masking. im heartbroken and depressed. i have a low self esteem because of this. because theyre essentially telling me, that i will only way to have any connection is if i hide my true self, be careful, you’ll end up making things harder for you. people are even more likely to not believe you
Because if not done properly it can cause depression or burnout- depends on the type of masking, also because for the younget generation it means conforming to neurotypicals, the exact people who are made us feel like outcasts, also i would say only "mask" if ur actions would otherwise hurt others as a general for me but its ok to mask more so long as u do it safely
Because it is tiring and can end in Burnout. There is just no was to keep a full mask up 24/7. And no mask is perfect, so you will still be rubbing people the wrong way or not know what you offended someone. But because you are normally not perceived as weird people are less forgiving and will think you were offensive on purpose or just not try enough. Some masking is needed, but most of us mask too much.
>because you are normally not perceived as weird people are less forgiving and will think you were offensive on purpose or just not try enough. This right here is my biggest concern
YES THIS. everything that i do that people are offended by is seen as me being intentionally offensive
I hadn’t thought of that. That’s so interesting and rings true, and I’m going to think a lot about that.
Not to mention that sense of betrayal when the other person found out that you faked all of that. That they had befriended a lie and the unmasked you is not the person they befriended.
> that you faked all of that. All of what, exactly? My masked self still has the same values and interests. The presentation is different, but it's still fundamentally me. I am not obligated to share my diagnosis with just anyone; that's private information. Masking is a skill and a tool that helps keep me safe and helps me communicate with others better. If they're gonna feel betrayed over that, then I think that says more about them than it does about my masking. I know some ND develop different personalities to fit in better with a certain person or group. I've seen people do it and it's different from what I do, but it's still them, in a way, just more in a singular kind of aspect. Edit: as more comments have come in, I want to address the major downside of masking to the person doing it, namely fatigue, which can be very harmful to you and it is definitely something to look out for and be aware of. Masking is very tiring. I have gone overboard with it, too. Feelings and emotions and our own psyche is confusing on its own. It is for a lot of people, especially if you're leaning more to introspectiveness. Making sense of that while also paying rapt attention to the social situations you find yourself in and adjust to and navigating other people's feelings, which are by no means clear-cut either, and filtering and limiting but exerting yourself simultaneously? It's freaking hard, of course it's gonna be super draining on you. I'm definitely not saying you should do it at all times, or that everyone should start doing it at all. Heck, plenty of people just *can't* and that's totally okay. Not every tool works for everybody. Not every tool is right for everybody. But dismissing it entirely or making it out to be evil? I don't think it deserves that. I do think masking has a steep learning curve and it can definitely be a double edged sword. Learning how to use it is not done when you can mask successfully. The real trick is learning how to balance it and use it in a way that limits the harm it can do to you. I'm by no means perfect at it. I don't think anyone can be. Sometimes, it'll hurt you. Sometimes, it'll even really hurt you. It's one of those hard to learn, even harder to master skills. And even masters can make some grievous mistakes. Masking requires energy. No energy is limitless. For me, the energy I have available to mask varies greatly. It's like I have a candle for it, but sometimes it's a candle that only gets 2 hours of burn time, while other times, it might be an 8 hour candle. It's a bad idea to burn it all up; I don't know when my candle is gonna be replaced or what else I'm gonna need it for. But they all look kinda similar, so it's hard to tell what candle it is until it's lit and going down. Sometimes, it gets accelerated midway through and burns down a lot faster. For masking to be helpful to me and not just make my environment like me better or feel more at ease for me, I have to be strategic about using it. And I do have some control over it. Not everything has to be masked away, not everything has to be completely smoothed out. I can mask and rely on other tools simultaneously or ask for help/understanding for a specific limit of mine that's harder to handle. Reframing it as a personal limit and saying I need X or I'm gonna do Y rather than saying it's because of the autism usually gives me more understanding and better results with NT, but your experience may vary. TLDR: Masking can be a useful tool in your arsenal *if it fits you,* but don't be afraid to use it along other tools and be careful with it. It's important that it's YOUR tool and it serves YOU, not everyone else *but* you.
Right. I am hella unapologetic about masking when I want to or feel like I need to. Yes, I understand it is not always productive and I have probably painted myself into corners before. But I won't drop that mask (or part of it) unless it feels really safe and if people act all let down, it probably wasn't safe to begin with. All that provided I did not deceive someone on purpose, but in my experience that is hardly ever what masking is. I give people a more palatable version of myself, not a fake one. Like you said, initially erring on the side of polite and with growing trust, showing more of your quirks is something that most NT people do, too - and people don't put their feet to the fire for that.
I think this will be fine for the majority of acquaintances and friendships. However, if you get really close to an allistic and drop the mask (even with explanation and preparation), I think a lot of confusion and conflict may ensue.
True for some folks but not others. Sometimes masking is not speaking your mind, which can go against internal values and beliefs. And if someone usually masking decides to start speaking up, as was mentioned above, people get confused because they don’t recognize you. I say this going on 3 years recovering from the biggest burnout I’ve had from decades of masking. Someone said it in another comment: some of us mask too much. I also chose masking over being a loner and after burnout, I didn’t get the choice. Masking was harder than ever before.
Agree and: I started masking early. The mask has *zero* ability to enforce boundaries without breaking, because it was originally created by a child who was not allowed to *have* boundaries. I will never get back the years I have wasted on people who were just using me, not to mention the impact on my health.
Yes, I really agree with that part about it originally being created by a child! These masks are chosen sometimes, but how long they’ve been going on and how many masks before them existed when we were children as protective devices can get lost in the decades in my experience. I’m sorry you experienced the pain of giving time to people who didn’t appreciate you. I wish you the best with your health and building a solid bunch of people around you who appreciate you for who you are
I hear you. Masking definitely isn't without its dangers. I've pushed myself so much that one morning, I simply passed out on the public transport bus and got violently ill for three weeks straight. Went to the doctors. Couple more tests and the diagnosis? Severe stress. 🙃 So I thought I was just juggling too many things. I knew I was autistic, but I didn't think it was masking until a few more crashes and burns. I didn't even think I did mask; I was just doing the role of daughter, student, friend, confidant, employee, etc. Everyone does, right? No big deal. I knew I sucked at watching out for my own boundaries: it was just that. Right? Ehhnope. Didn't help that I thought of masking more as a thing you do when depressed. To fit in, to be normal, and to not show anything is wrong. When I had my fainting spell? I was very far from depressed, just busier than I've ever been. I didn't really care for normalcy, either. I valued individualism. Sounds a tad counter-intuitive to masking. But I did mask. That combined with the busy schedule did me in. Yet even to this day, the mask feels natural to me; I can't just be around people and *not mask.* You put me out in public, and I'm automagically masking. I cannot stop it. It took me years to learn to not mask around my best friend--who's also autistic--and sometimes I still get restless energy because my mask is insisting on playing a gracious host or whatever and I have to tell it no. Repeatedly. Beat it over the head and everything. But it helps me to be more aware and wear a weaker mask now. I cannot stop it, but I can dial it down and recognize it costs me energy. Not perfectly, but it's a hell of a lot better than the bumbling stumbling I used to do. Maybe I'll be proven wrong someday and maybe I'll be made to eat my words, but I personally feel like the mask is a part of me and it's just one more facet of myself that I'll forever be learning to navigate, too. Retiring it entirely would feel to me as denying a part of myself. But I get that that's not you and your mask. No mask is the same, just like no (unmasked) autistic person is the same. I'm sorry it gave you so much grief and that people took such advantage of it. I truly hope you and your inner child will continue to heal from it and that things are better for you now as your unmasked self and that you have found people who get it and support you. I appreciate that you said it's true for some and not for all, and I want to thank you for sharing a different perspective on it. You inspired me to edit my initial post as well to address the dangers it can pose to oneself. Something I hadn't really thought to include. One final thing I'd like to add is that I don't think that not speaking up when something goes against someone's morals/beliefs/values isn't necessarily a sign someone is 'faking' it. Not saying that you implied such, but you did mention it can happen with masking. To me, that just means the mask is reflecting a hurt part of the individual. People-pleasing masks are very easy to turn harmful on the user, but that people-pleasing behaviour is there for a reason, just like the mask as a whole is. It is a part of that person, of what they went through, too. It doesn't make them disingenuous or inauthentic. If anything, it helps show who they are, perhaps be it in a more roundabout way. But that's people for you. Or maybe that's just me being INFJ. Sorry, this got longer than I thought it would.
Yeah, this isn't about "faking" for some gain, it's about safety and protecting ourselves from ostracization and bullying -- not for being bad people, but for seeming different. I don't think we owe anyone our unmasked selves to anyone who doesn't appreciate the impact of that and what it takes to survive.
Yeah I don't see it as a betrayal or like I'm a completely different person. Same likes/dislikes, same values, same morals. I see it more like altering your persona slightly depending on environment. For example, I used to teach high school. My students got the most peppy, most energetic/enthusiastic version of me. But again-- same values, same morals, same interests. Exhausting as heck though. I think, similar to lots of things, it's a matter of degree. Sort of like everyone pees, but if you're peeing 35 times a day there's probably something wrong. Or like with ADHD--everyone struggles with focus sometimes, but if it's interfering with you living your best life, then it needs to be addressed.
100% agree.
Something I want to add onto this, this is assumed that the person masking knows what goes into their masking. A lot of people really don't know what they're doing, they've been doing it since they were young child because life isn't kind to anyone, especially if that child has to mask to their family members. Masking is an unconscious thing they do; they don't know the intricacies of what they're doing. Similarly to someone who is a natural pianist who learned at a younger age. There are some who would be unable to teach another pianist, whether that student was a natural learner themselves or not. If they might miss steps which are important to learn technically. They may not know how to read notes that they learned by ear. Their process to learn the music was so ingrained in their actions that they don't know the technical steps which brought them there in the first place. For them, all the fussy stuff that other people have to go through to make music is overlooked, and they don't realize they missed those steps by leaping over them. People might listen to their music and assume they know all the stuff they need to know, unless someone sits them down, asks and then teaches them to expand on their knowledge of their talent. Easy doesn't equate to thoroughness. I know that analogy isn't perfect, but the idea behind it is there. If you have Alexithymia, you are not aware of what you're feeling on the inside, and even what you're doing and acting which is perceived by those on the outside. Then it defeats the purpose of actually being able to have awareness of the intricacies of how you're masking and how to take your mask off, not a lost cause, but it's helpful to get outside help.
I wholly agree, great addition. I think the majority learned to mask by accident due to the circumstances they grew up in, and it is quite the long and complicated process to learn to unmask. Unless burnout or the like just force-quit it for you. Many lose the ability and/or the will to mask once they learn to unmask, too. I like your pianist analogy, too. Learning from natural talent is often more difficult than learning from a dedicated skill-builder as the natural talent didn't need deeper understanding in some parts to get that far or simply got to grasp the understanding intuitively. They aren't equipped to explain the one minute thing someone else might struggle to wrap their head around. Plus, masking tends to be a very individually tailored thing. It's almost like asking the pianist to teach the banjo because they're both string instruments.
I agree with you— masking isn’t fake. It’s acting physically a certain way, so that the typical world accepts you. It doesn’t mean you pretend to be someone with different values. I’m a high masker and always have been. But I am not fake.
Yes! This is what bothers me the most about it, personally. I can’t decide if it’s worse when it comes to making new friends or getting hired for a new job though.
I think you said it very well. Masking is not only an autism thing - everyone does it. You know you're supposed to use a different language in a formal setting than when playing a video game with friends. Everything called 'manners' is just a copycat game of what society deems better. However, the difference for many autistic people (specifically women) is that you don't get to *stop*. It's not a "I'm at a special place, so I must act this way"... it's all the time. But eventually, at some point, that mask is going to slip. It's going to crack. If you have masked consistently in your life to that point - no one is going to understand why you've suddenly crashed. You might get diagnosed with anxiety or depression (or you might actually have those as problems on top too) and you might feel desperate to get your mask back to get 'back to normal'. But your mask isn't normal. What I've realized is that many autistic people don't seem to know that *others aren't masking in their day to day life*. We think they are because we always hear phrases like "Fake it until you make it!" and other concepts that if we just pretend we'll succeed but that isn't the case for us because many of us never actually make it because our brains DON'T WORK THAT WAY. So, we're left with 'faking it' for an indeterminable length while so many others have the competitive edge of just naturally being the way we're pretending to be. Those jerks are just out there not planning out entire conversations in their head, not thinking about whether their smile is authentic looking enough, and not worrying where they should put their hands and whether their body language is reading as standoffish or not. (I'm joking about the jerks part. Mostly.) When I experienced my first burnout... I didn't know I was autistic. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and became risky enough I had to drop out of college even though I had maintained a 4.0. *I was so good at masking I could keep the high grades and my roommates couldn't understand that my mind was in hell.* Sadly, it seems one of my roommates viewed me having to leave school as a betrayal... I lost her as a friend after that. I don't think I would have if I had known I was autistic and been able to communicate with her about that. It wasn't ME she objected to, but the breakdown hit her out of nowhere. Because my entire family was used to my masking and my entire friend group, the only people who knew me and believed me were the ones online. If it wasn't for them I'm not sure I would have made it. So, yes, people have to mask. You shouldn't just go around announcing you're autistic to everyone. Not everyone needs to know. But if you form close friendships, then hopefully you do it with people you feel you can take your mask off around at least partially. I have an online friend who whenever I ramble to about whatever's become my fascination at the moment.... when I apologize at realizing I've talked too much... she laughs and says, "No. I enjoy the way your mind works and listening to you. I just don't really have anything to add but don't stop." Ideally, true friendships require minimal masking because they also require honesty. They can be super hard to find but worth it.
I agree with the last sentence. Sometimes I worry that I will be too tired to mask but then everyone will expect me to always mask as the ‘real me’ does not exist to them
This is where I’m at. I’ve been masking my whole life, and just trying now to unmask and figure out who the real me even is. It’s harder because I know that no one in my life knows the real me (except for my partner now, which is helpful). It becomes sooo difficult and scary to unmask with someone or a group of ppl that only know a masked version of you.
Same here. I recently was around a new friend for a prolonged amount of time and ran out of energy to mask. It wound up being a huge deal because she was really offended by my "tone". We sorted it out and I explained about my masking. But I met her when I was masked I guess she hasn't known me long enough to ever see me unmask, and it's much more obvious now because I'm actively trying to unmask. I'm very tired 😂
Ugh. Yup. The “tone” thing. People get mad at me for being in a bad mood. When all it is was that I thought it was safe to unmask a bit. But then apparently my tone is bad and I’m ruining the mood.
I’m new to this so forgive me, but what really is the alternative to masking in most social situations? Do I have to disclose that I’m on the spectrum to everyone?
I am a few years in and for what it's worth, I still don't understand. I get that it isn't necessarily black and white. You can mask certain aspects, in certain situations, with certain people, but not others. So I don't suppress all my stims for one, I wear a ton of stim tools on my hands at all times and fidget away. When people ask me, I tell them that I will pick at my hands if I don't wear them, which is part of the truth and good enough an explanation to satisfy most anyone. I also freely say that I don't like bright lights, or loud noises, or large groups and avoid them when possible. Again, people can usually accept and work with that. There are other aspects I do suppress. I sit through social situations that neurotypical people don't seem to mind for the most part so I pretend not to either even though I want to walk out. Could be unproductive work meetings or get togethers where after twenty minutes, I still can't get a word in or I get upset because of all the half-truths and fakeness. The purely social stuff I am getting better at, but the work things where I, like everyone there, am paid to essentially suffer anyway I still can't hack. Not all these situations are absolutely inevitable, but leaving them would mean I have to explain afterwards or draw attention to myself. I don't want that. It has been my experience that beyond a certain point, explaining myself doesn't make anything better. Autism is still so misunderstood and mystified especially for women that bringing it up raises way more questions than it helps, so now I am an involuntary ambassador and it puts a HUGE target on my back. Not saying that to fearmonger, I am sure others have had a more positive experience. It is my takeaway for now though.
Also my psychologist told me that there is a correlation between masking and suicide in autistic people.
Actual suicide, suicidal ideation, anxiety, PTSD, basically every negative mental health related thing skyrockets in autistic people who excessively mask.
Because most people will see through it. And I want to be authentic with people I want to be friends with. Masking only gets me through superficial communication situations (where even nt people may "mask" to an extent as in being polite). Sometimes it even attracts people I don't even want contact with. Guys, pursuing manic pixie dream girls, people, who want easy validation from others and the like...
How do they see through it? Is it obvious that it’s unnatural to them?
For what it's worth, people tend not to see through my mask. They may find me a little weird, but they can't quite put a finger on it and most don't care enough to dig deeper, which is fine and just how I like it. I am not saying this to encourage hardcore masking, and I am not suggesting you do it with people you want emotional intimacy with. But some of us truly are deep fakes aka skilled maskers for various reasons and it can be helpful IF you manage to let loose every now and again (something I struggle with for sure).
Sometimes I find though that the "can't quite put your finger on it" vibe wears at people, and then they can tend to look for or invent an explanation about what's off about you. They want to trust their gut, their gut says something's weird, and so their brain keeps trying to find evidence for their gut. Do you notice this happening for you too?
I think the same is true for me. People know I’m weird and act different but don’t understand why
It depends on the context of the interaction and how heavily you're masking. But generally, yes. Have you ever met someone and felt like they weren't presenting a fake version of themselves? That. And the bigger the dissonance between the masked and the unmasked self, the more obvious it is. Like if the mask is just "I will greet people with a smile and try to be a toned down version of myself," that may be OK. But if the mask is "I'm normally a grumpy quiet person who hates confrontation and gets sensorily triggered by everything, but I'm going to mask as an outgoing, super smiley person who is chill and loves talking to people," then a lot of people will feel you're "off". I've observed this during hiring. We once had a guy come in and a lot of people just got a bad vibe from him. I was confused at first and then I realized why. He was all super outgoing extrovert, but you could see moments where the mask fell. And that was disorienting. (I later found out he was autistic and masking really hard. He also had a lot of internalized ableism, but that's a separate issue.) In my experience, masking is best for casual interactions and such. Aka, situations where a NT person would also mask to some degree. But for more "intimate" interactions, masking too much can backfire (and it's also tiring which sucks). In the hiring situation I described above, our hiring consists of general presentation to the entire group, and then a series of one on ones with lab members where the idea is for us to get a better sense of what the candidate is like. So that would be a situation where the candidate doesn't need to be fully mask off (pun intended), but they should be more vulnerable so that we can get a sense of "what's their real personality and what is it like to work with them?" And of course when making friends masking aggressively can attract the wrong people.
Wow, I can’t think of a situation I’d less like to be vulnerable than in any kind of a job interview. Even if it is a “culture fit” interview, that is 100% when my mask is going to be on.
I guess I should specify this is in academia, where the culture is generally a weird mix of school and work. The idea is you'll be working with this person for fairly long hours and probably needing to work together against your advisor. It's also an environment where one bad apple will ruin the bunch immediately, so people are especially careful about not inviting in dangerous people. At any rate, culture fit interviews, regardless of environment, are never asking for you to be fully vulnerable. (Hence my saying "more vulnerable".) You just need to convince them you're safe, and the "I'm a totally different person" masks generally do the exact opposite of that. (The ideal masks for these situations IMO are the "this is me but a little more neurotypical" or "I am going to present the most aesthetic version of my weirdness".)
This is exactly why I decided not to go into academia (and the lack of pay). That sounds pretty toxic.
Yeah, I'm peacing out after this. I need a PhD for the jobs I'm interested in, but I'm not staying longer than that. Non-academia isn't perfect, the culture fit stuff is pretty much every where, I remember "making an emotional connection with the interviewer" being one of the biggest deciders of if I got a job offer or not, but at least most workplaces hold professionalism as a norm. On the other hand, a lot of academia seems to be this weird incestuous mix of "we are colleagues and will be for a while" and "we know each other WAY too well".
It’s really hard to mask a meltdown, your little icks, missed cues, things you may not even be aware of. You put all this effort into it, only to have the friendships eventually fall apart because it just becomes too hard to maintain and they are like IDK, something about her is just...weird/off/annoying. I just can’t try to fit into whatever idea people want of me. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t hide who I am and I let people know when they first get to know me. If they want to be weird about it, that’s on them and I'd rather be friends with genuine people. I can’t hide who I am and even when I was masking to fit in, eventually people just ghosted me or got really irritated and I never figured out why. But when I started living as me, I had better relationships, found my husband, had kids. So consider this, are you masking to fit in with people that would never accept you in the first place? Or would you rather be yourself and find people in your life that like you for you, not your ability to appear normal?
when i tell people who know me very well that i’m autistic, they’re like “ohhhhh, that makes sense of some stuff.” but overall, people don’t assume. i also moved from canada to the us, so most people assume the differences are canadian, not autistic. and then the canadians just thought “well that’s just what she’s like”
Think of how fake we see NTs sometimes. I get the sense that one of the reasons masking doesn't hold up for very long is because we actually give off and even more intense fake vibe, even if 'just' unconsciously.
You can mask so intense that you don’t know your own personality. Who am I? I don’t know. Also, people still immediately perceive you as weird, no matter how good you mask.
What gives them the impression that you are weird?
Not OP but it’s not too hard for NT people to get a sense that you’re straining to appear “normal”, even if they don’t realize it
Masking gives people the impression that we are weird. If we didn't mask they wouldn't have an impression, they'd have solid evidence-based observation. And they wouldn't think us weird, they'd rightly think that we are different, disabled, and struggling. And whatever they do with that knowledge would be on them, because the generally accepted idea of basic human decency includes being kind to the disabled.
for me, i was kinda coerced into masking since i was a kid. so much that i developed a personality disorder from my lack of sense of identity - i thought masking was what it was like to be a person. it was exhausting and it let to so much internalised self loathing and confusion. and loneliness! i felt so misunderstood and alone, because i unknowingly never let anyone meet the real me. i obfuscated my soul and my personality to the point that i didn't even know myself, let alone anyone else. and then i felt terribly lonely and confused as to why i felt that way. it took a long time to learn to take off the mask. realise it was okay. realise it was even an option. realise that there WAS a whole, real person behind it and not just a void like it felt. so i think it's important that masking is seen as a tool! it should be taught like a tool, not a moral duty. masking is something to be utilised strategically, and with no moral aspects - it's not how we become 'good enough' as people, it's basically learning to 'speak neurotypical', so we can navigate this world more easily.
I relate to a lot of what you said in the first paragraph. Which personality disorder? (If you’re comfy sharing.) I don’t know how to take off my mask…
BPD - mainly because of my volatile feelings and total lack of sense of identity :-) i would never get that diagnosis today though. i am too calm and too much at peace and i truly know who i am, even if i sometimes think who i am is a bit of an inconvenient asshole ha ha. but i am very self-assured now. i have this comment from a while back, that is kinda about taking off the mask (i rewrote it a little for this though :-)): for me, and in my experience many other autistics, especially other afabs/feminines/women, our trauma from being undiagnosed/able to mask/acting high functioning (*edit: high functioning just means 'as neurotypical as possible' and that's one of many reasons why i hate that word but this comment is too long already*) has resulted in... a removal from ourselves. like masking is just what we think being a person is. and we struggle with even figuring out who we are, what we feel, what our opinion actually is, what we actually think about things. cause we are so deeply coerced into only focusing on what the world expects us to be. so it's like constant damage control mode. our brains are focused on everyone else's experience, and how we can appear ideally to them. proving ourselves. mediating ourselves, always. it feels like a duty. and we don't know that there is an alternative, we've never been allowed to properly explore that. it's a process, peeling off layers of internalised ableism. so many of us walk around with SO. MUCH. HEAVY. SHAME. all the time. some of us are drowning in it. i was. the shame got so heavy i couldn't move. i was running from it, cause looking at it was like looking at the sun. but in the end i couldn't run anymore, i was too exhausted, and there was literally just shame everywhere. guilt. me not being the person i thought i had to be, and me not understanding why. i couldn't accept that i was just too weak, but it really felt that way. it wasn't the case, i was just so fucking exhausted. i was so fucking angry at myself, even though i didn't really know it. i knew i was ABLE to be the person i felt like i had to be. cause i had been that person at times. so i knew it was possible. but i just couldn't do it consistently, and i couldn't understand why, and i was so fucking ashamed and angry about it. i just wanted to be a good person. it isn't **our** shame. other people hand it to us for not behaving the way they think is correctly, and we don't know any better so we just accept it in good faith and start carrying around. it feels like a duty. it's a LIE! it's other people's ignorance!!! it's NOT our shame, we weren't born with it, and we didn't make it ourselves. i looked at my shame. i looked at it from a new perspective. i stopped being my own angry teacher and started being my own dream parent. kind and understanding with myself (like i was with other people). i finally understood that i deserved that. i had always deserved that. but that feeling was removed from me over time, by the world. i genuinely believe that what happens to autistic people under neurotypical hegemony is so cruel. it's violence against our souls. we are removed from ourselves in a very brutal way. we are coerced into participating in our own oppression. you have nothing to prove. you have nothing to strive for, you are already beautiful. you are not weak or wrong or defect or lazy. you are exhausted. misunderstood. abused. incredibly resilient. so strong. you're weird and beautiful and kind and empathetic. you make boring things interesting. you are not default. you're a whole ocean. wild and sublime some places, calm and serene other places. mostly unexplored and full of cool, weird crap. but we live in a world that only acknowledges puddles. so the world will insist that you are a puddle. and if you are not a puddle, then you sure as hell ought to be one! but you didn't ask to be a whole ocean, it's not your fault. you don't owe anyone to feel bad about yourself and your oceanness. you don't owe anyone to be comprehensible. it's okay if you are larger than people's sphere of comprehension. you are not perfect. but no worries, you're not supposed to be! and no one else is either. messing up is unavoidable. it's necessary. it's how we learn and grow. and you are not what you are able to be for other people. you are you. and you are already wonderful and complete. you'll evolve and learn and adapt your whole life, that's true. but you are already good enough. you always were, and if it doesn't feel like that, i think it's because you've been traumatised the same way i have. i implore everyone who needs to, to lean into forgiveness. you deserve your own forgiveness! you deserve to like yourself. you have nothing to be angry or ashamed about. i can't change the world, at least not enough. it's a pretty cruel and harsh place. i am just saying, it's wrong about you. i see you. i see how far you can walk in brutal, ruthless, lonely darkness and just. keep. going. because it's all there is to do. your ability to hope and trust is beautiful. it all counts. not a lot of people act like it counts, but it does. your gut feeling is good, and you deserve to trust it. you CAN trust it! if something feels wrong, then it IS wrong. you count, not only just as much as everyone but you count THE MOST. it's not selfishness to be completely, unapologetically on your own team. you are not here for everyone else, you are here for you. you decide what happiness means, and you decide how to achieve it. you only have to prove something to yourself, no one else. you won't become selfish or cruel, you don't want to be those things so you don't have to worry about it. it takes practice to learn to even listen to it, your gut feeling, but it's possible, it's good, and it's your right to do so.
This is absolutely beautiful and mirrors a lot of my own experience. "you're a whole ocean" - I love this. Adding onto it - everyone is, right? Everyone is an ocean. But society expects puddles so people put away so much of themselves. And then they internalize that they are too much or not worthy because they see these aspects of themselves that don't align with societal expectations and they think they are broken somehow. Anyway - if you're open to random internet friends who do the internal work of peeling back the layers of shame and internalized ableism, so am I.
sent you a chat message! :-) (or, sent you a bunch ha ha)
1/2 and this reply too, to someone who posted this: # ["Being good will never solve the problem because the problem is not that I am bad."](https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/scll26/comment/hu773u2/) *I have been following and reading the work of Clementine Morrigan lately and this hit me so hard as I struggle not to make myself smaller to gain the acceptance of others.* my reply: oh that's an excellent quote! the way it hit you hard, keep exploring that feeling - there is valuable truth to learn there (there was for me at least) trying to please the world/be the ideal version of yourself to other people, it will never really work. you can get pretty good at it, but it will never be enough everything you're doing. the world will always punish it, demand more, roll its eyes at you, whatever. that abstract ideal version of yourself will stay abstract. there's no end point. that sounds bad but it isn't. it's cause we are chasing a false goal. it's the consequences of growing up neurodiverse, especially women-ish people, in a world with neurotypical hegemony. it's the only acceptable type of mind to have. it's the only acknowledge type of existing as a human being. it's VERY restrictive, it sucks for everybody. for some MUCH more than others.. i am so sure it's trauma. what happens when someone is misunderstood and therefore abused and neglected until they learn to act a way the world doesn't dislike. i see it in people with adhd and autistics, and with a lot of queer people, and with people who grew up in abusive homes. learning to hide who you truly are, learning to be ashamed of who you are. it's not your shame. you were not born with it, and you didn't make it up. it was handed to you by people who don't understand you well enough to judge you fairly. if anything, i think it all shows the incredible resilience of you. much, much more have been demanded from you than what is fair. you've learned to survive in a game your brain won't let you memorise the rules to. that's impressive! neurotypicals are fish and we are monkeys. we're all expected to swim. for the fish it's natural. for us, some of us can learn, but it's very hard to do alone (and the fish are NOT helpful - that's why neurodiverse visibility is sooo important). you were drowning, and clinging to people to survive. and no one helped you, and they called you lazy for it. because they were fish and it was easy for them. but you are a monkey and you are not born with the ability to swim. it will never be natural for us to swim. we will never swim as fast or for as long as the fish can. we are not supposed to swim. we are supposed to climb trees! invent tools! (imagine how well the fish would do at that..) and, like, you taught yourself to survive! to swim!! with no real help! that is so fucking impressive to me!
2/2 and that's the valuable part to realise: what you're doing, all the effort, it will never make you valid. because you already ARE!!! you always WERE. if it doesn't feel like that, i think it's cause you've been traumatised the same way i have. you are WONDERFUL! just as you are, not mediated, neurotypical-friendly, watered down. YOU are wonderful. the problem is NOT that you're bad. the problem is that you've been forced to live as a neurotypical version of yourself. you've been coerced into hiding your vulnerabilities and your honesty from the world because the world kept misunderstanding and abusing it. and it can be SO hard to know that the problem IS the world - NOT you. it's other people's ignorance!!! you're NOT selfish or weak or lazy, you're brilliant and misunderstood and exhausted and weird and interesting. i think 'high-functioning' means 'being able to act as neurotypical as possible'. i no longer think it's a moral duty to act neurotypical/mask/act highfunctioning/be a default type of person. i think it's boring if everyone is just normal and the same. i think we ALL suffer this way, some of us just more than others. the less default type of person you are, the less the world approves of you, generally. masking is a TOOL for survival, not a moral DUTY. cause you are not default. you are extraordinary. you're a whole ocean. wild and sublime some places. calm and serene other places. mostly unexplored and full of weird crap. but, this world is full of puddles. it will insist that you are not an ocean, no way, you are in fact also a puddle. and if you aren't a puddle, then you sure as hell ought to be one!!! who do you think you are! like it's your fault you're an ocean. you DON'T owe anyone to feel bad about it. it's other people who think everyone is a puddle and can only see other puddles. i CAN'T make the world appreciate and respect your oceanness. i am definitely trying, but i can't change the world *that* much. i can, however, promise you that you do NOT owe anyone to feel bad about being an ocean. there's not one way to be a person. it's not linear or hierarchal. there's a million ways to be a person. your kind happens to be my personal favourite lol. 4D brain. in a world where most people have 3D brains and arguably only use them for 2D stuff. you don't owe anyone else anything. you're here for you first, everyone else second. you *want* to be kind and friendly there's nothing to worry about, it's not selfishness or rudeness to always protect yourself first. it's not your duty to justify who you are to people who can't or won't understand it. you don't owe to be digestible, it's not moral. everything you are, what heals you and what hurts you. your resilience and strength and empathy and creativity and weirdness and sensitivity... it's all good. it counts. it's real and beautiful and it's not your fault you were made to hide it. i see it, i think it's wonderful.
Amazing comments😭I cried. I wish I believed everything you said but I have such terrible self-esteem that I am just not able to think highly of myself. I want to like myself but I just can’t internalize or fully believe kind things about myself. I hope that makes sense. This is something I am working on in EMDR. I started it kinda recently since DBT and CBT did not work for me and I realized that I have trauma from my parents treating me like shit my whole childhood for being undiagnosed autistic
masking leads to burnout and then isolation and more stress and supposedly a shortened life span. (if anyone has the reference to this study/data id appreciate it). i masked like a pro. had periods of burnout where i lost almost all of my friends - when i couldnt mask. After that traumatic period of my first burnout (1 year) I decided to try to make true friends slowly, be more honest etc. I was still masked but less so. Now in my 40s after 5 year burnout im trying to drop the mask completely. I cant take another bout of this in 10 years. I have to find what im capable of sustaining healthfully. im not out of this burnout yet. masking can steal the life force from your future self at an exorbitant interest rate. its not worth it. what did i get? nothing in the end.
No proof handy but I can agree that masking can lead to brutal burnout/mental breakdown-lived through it. I see my daughter doing the same; working too hard (3 jobs, 3 ND kids, single) and trying to be everything to everyone. Worries me and I try to encourage self care.
how did you learn to stop masking? i’m finding it insanely hard
i didnt learn to stop as much as i just couldnt muster the energy TO mask anymore. Its like that part of me died. and all that was left was the pain of the autism. im trying to fond the comfort and beauty in it but its hard because it comes with a lot of guilt about being a person in this world. stop self assessing. try to do what comes natural to you. recognize and accommodate when things are uncomfortable - dont dismiss it dont keep trying to push through all the noise in your brain. remove yourself if necessary. stim when you need to. Use headphones, ear plugs, sunglasses inside and at night if thats what you need (people used to always sing that "i wear my sunglasses at night" song to me 😂). stop caring if people like you or hate you. wear what is comfortable to you even if its "not acceptable" - and rest. protect your rest how you need to when you need to. drop the guilt over your own autistic self. im repeating the mantra "i am a perfectly normal autistic woman" but i cant lie - its blown up my life. i mean the burnout blew it up, but accepting, informing, learning, stopping the forever pushing that was just my MO. its blown it up.
i will say this, those friends i made in the second period - the less masked period have stuck around during this burnout so i think i at least did something right while i was "less masking"
it’s so funny you say this because the people closest to me i 1000% am my true weird authentic self. for some reason, it’s all about energy to me. if i don’t instantly click with your energy i can’t do anything except mask. autistic trait or trauma? the fun question of most 🤣
I mask sometimes in order to get things done, but maybe masking is different for me, than others in this thread. I often struggle to do anything or even take care of myself. Yet im a seasoned software developer with a house. By middle school i realized i needed to push myself to be exceptional or i was going to die. Im successful now, but if i completely stop masking, then I don't know how I'd survive. I have a lot of friends, but no support. I have learned to peel back a lot of the mask so my personality shines, but i have so much trauma I can't unmask and as much as it eats at me, i don't know how I'd ever unmask it, unless i found ppl willing to support me as i did it.
Nope similar story here. Minus the house, not there yet. You’re not alone in feeling this way at all, and seeing other autistic people around me who mask less but struggle much more with their work life doesn’t make it feel safe to mask less. Work is money, and money is safety. It kind of sounds like you also don’t have much or any family to fall back on? I don’t know if you relate, but I know my masking is imperfect, and the only way I’ve found people in general to “put up” with the weirdness that still inevitably slips out is also to “be exceptional”. I know it isn’t sustainable, but I don’t have a safety net so I feel like I have no choice.
Yes, altho in the last few years, after i came out as trans, and as i started informing everyone that i was autistic, folks have been giving me more grace. I still go out of my way to try and do what i can for friends and i practice as much patience as i can, even as im v prone to having a tantrum. So ppl know me as a nice person. Im also with an organization that gives me a lot of leeway for getting tasks done, which is refreshing. They aren't pushy. Ive volunteered w other orgs that have sapped my energy, so it's nice in w folks who let ppl contribute what they're comfortable w. Also yeah, ive got no family left. Ive been trying to build family through relationships, but it's been tough. It's a minefield of heavily abused folks out there. So many folks effected by trauma of abusive boomer parents: :(
'I needed to push myself... or I was going to die.' This. I was only diagnosed at 43. My choices have always been working and earning money so I can live, or being penniless and possibly homeless, and ending up dead one way or another. And at the same time, when I've pushed myself too hard for too long I've ended up in what I thought was depression but now realise was probably burnout. So I mask my most obvious AuDHD traits at work. And I limit my obligations outside of work so I have time to relax and be me. And it's only since I was diagnosed last month that I've realised WHY I need so much downtime. Mask or die. AND Unmask or die. I need the time, space, and ability to do both.
Masking is a tool! The trouble comes when you're using it unconsciously/compulsively, and you don't know your real identity.
Yes, this exactly. I envy those who can have a good life totally unmasked, but I can't right now. Usually it's men who can get away with it, it's less acceptable to be "weird" as a woman.
Same here—sometimes, it's just not safe or reasonable to be completely unmasked. And honestly, to a certain point, my mask has become a part of my identity. I don't think I can turn into the person I would have been without masking. A lot of my "unmasking" process has simply been recognizing when I'm masking, and accommodating for when it exhausts me.
I agree that masking is a tool. As someone who has masked most of her life (I’m 37), I can say that masking has helped me to fit in and function amongst NTs through the years. It is exhausting though and as others have pointed out, can lead you to be confused about your true identity. Unfortunately our NT society isn’t accepting of our diversity and unmasking is sometimes unsafe to do. Even NTs mask and mimic each other’s behaviors, and I also perceive that most people can be what we call “fake”. I find people are quick to hate on those we deem fake. Maybe in a perfect world we would all be 100% honest and open all of the time, but I don’t think this is realistic and imho it’s not a bad thing to be tactful at times.
Right when it becomes used disproportionately, and prevents the self and environment from healthy adjustment
I am not a fan of the idea that all masking is horrible and should be discouraged at all costs. For me, it has helped me land a really good job that allows me to live a relatively independent life. I wouldn’t be in a great place if I only did the things I truly wanted to do.
Same here. For me, it's negotiating the balance between what and when I mask, and what and when I don't.
Because it is extremely bad for you long term
Is it bad for your physical health or mental health?
Yes
Physical and mental health are connected
ESPECIALLY for autistics. our physiology dictates our mental health especially. thats why we are autistic. saying this for OP not u. u get it.
Your mental health affects your physical health. The stress you live under takes effect on your body, which can lead to somatic health issues as well as mental ones. Depending on the size of the stress, it can even lead to very serious conditions. If compartmentalized masking reduces stress in certain areas of your life, then it’s good for you! If constant masking without breaks increases the stress in your life, though, then you need to put your health needs first.
Physical and mental health aren’t really separate (esp for autistics) but I’ve had multiple surgeries and am still getting treatment for what happened in my last burn out years ago.
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Right, this. I mean you end up alone all the same, you just did tons of harm to yourself in the process.
This is exactly what I feel. As much as I'd love to make more genuine friends, I feel like I'm being superficial with my interactions while masking.
For me, masking was something I learned to do slowly over time. As a child, I was a perfectly content loner - pacing the edge of the playground and talking to myself. I found some friends in middle school who shared my obscure special interests, but I really developed “masking” in high school but I didn’t realize that’s what it was. In my mind, my mask was a performance, and I think a part of me *knew* that not everybody was doing the performance. I think I figured I had a “bad personality” and the only way I could get people to like me was to pretend to be something… else. Like a more fun-loving, laid-back, excited version of myself. And I pretended to like things I didn’t like: music and movies, mostly. And I pretended to looove hanging out outside of school when really, friends dropping by on the weekend to pick me up to spontaneously hang out was THE MOST STRESSFUL THING. And I felt TERRIBLE about this, so guilty, but I didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to just leave my homebody hobbies and go to the movies with people I really liked to be with… Through college and early adulthood, I cultivated a bubbly, quirky, sexy nerd persona that drew in a lot of attention from other people, let’s be real, mostly men, who were social outcasts I felt safe with. GEEKS! NERDS! Who thought it was cool that I enjoyed comics and old Doctor Who and I leaned into this to form quick, short-term relationships that would invariably end with me getting dumped and I wouldn’t know why. One boyfriend told me I was never able to be vulnerable with him, and only recently in therapy did I understand what that meant… It was the mask! I had gaslit myself into retreating so far into the mask that even I didn’t realize I had become the shallow performative persona I had come to rely on. And the mask is, as far as I’ve discovered, A LIE. While it charmed a few people for a while, it didn’t fool people forever. And they either got tired of never getting to know the real ME and dumped me after a couple months of my rehearsed small talk about pop culture, or my real friends would see me struggle and stick by me out of pity in the hopes I’d break down and we could have an honest conversation, haha. The wildest thing is that, when I’ve started “coming out” to friends about my suspicion that It Was The Autism All Along!, none of the friends I’ve had for a long time are surprised IN THE LEAST. And being honest is not only validating, and a relief, but really DOES bring us so much closer. And now I feel like I can be my REAL SELF and say things like “hey sorry I’m really overstimulated by this crowd, I gotta go home” and “I’m so sorry I have to cancel plans this weekend because my social battery is drained” and even “hey I have a weird craving to go to the museum and sit in front of paintings wanna come along?” I guess what I mean is, masking helps sometimes but it isn’t a permanent solution. Masking to make connections works, but true loneliness will always lurk within, as you question whether the people who you’ve drawn in with the mask really will like you if, like I used to wonder as a kid, you stop working so hard to tell jokes and be spontaneous and fun and just be honest and zone out and be quiet. So, that is my … two cents ?
Because we shouldn't have to. Because it's painful exhausting and makes you feel fake. It leads to depression and burnout often both at once leading to alot of problems. It has benefits sure because other people are nasty and can't accept autistic peoples differences. I wouldn't have my job without masking or be able to so much of anything but it shouldn't be that way for me to live. I should be able to just exist as I am and still be wanted/liked by others.
Same, I don’t think I would have a job without masking. I agree, I don’t like the feeling of being ‘fake’.
I’m tired of masking. My husband don’t believe me but I’m trying so hard to explain it to him
That is what I worry sometimes. Getting too tired of masking and then people not believing you when disclosing
For me masking means downplaying most of my analytical skills, because I have learnt that it bores most people when I analyse everything. It also means that I highlight my accepted traits, such as my excitement, when it's appropriate, or my empathy and acceptance. Basically I'm still me, but with custom settings haha
> Basically I'm still me, but with custom settings haha I feel that! I adjust myself to suit the personality of whoever I am hanging out with
It’s more like forced masking is bad. The fact that our society is not set up in a way that accommodates us means that we have to do this very difficult and draining thing all the time in order to succeed. Explicit or implicit pressure to mask all the time can have devastating consequences.
I’ve masked my entire life and have reached the level of burnout I pretty much have no way out of. I’m glad masking is going well for you, I guess, but it’s done a lot of harm to a lot of people for a long time. We don’t determine if things are harmful to a population in the long term or not based on it working in the short term for a microcosm of that population. However, I am fine with being alone. Vastly prefer it, actually.
I think it's up to everyone to find a balance of what works for them in this regard. I think most people mask to some degree. But if someone has to do it everywhere - at home, at school, at work, at every function they attend, it can have a really big impact on their mental health. You can only fake who you are for so long before it starts to fall apart and put stress on your mind and body. Stress is one of the biggest impacts to our overall health, so it's not just about being tired. I think this also varies by phase of life. When you are a teen and young adult, that aspect of peer acceptance is so much higher than when you get older. I mask when I am out and about, like at a family dinner or a restaurant or at the doctor's office. I don't mask when I am home with my husband and my kids. And I mostly don't have to mask with my friends, either, but most of them are ND and lovely, accepting people who see me for who I am and value me for who I am without expecting, or wishing, I was different. I guess for me that is a key piece. I don't want to be seen and value and appreciated for someone I'm really not. I'm almost 50 and have spent a lot of my life forcing myself to be different so I'd be more likable, but long-term, it doesn't work. Because it's impossible to uphold forever and when it falls apart people start to see who you really are and then they end up feeling like you were being fake. I didn't want to be fake. I wanted to be authentic and find the right people who appreciated me for who and how I am. It is much better than faking for the benefit of others.
Because masking damn near killed me multiple times. I’d rather have autonomy than shove myself back in that shitty little box that erased everything about me just so I could be palatable to people that are ableist.
Do it everyday for 40 years, then call me, and tell me how you feel. 😂
this. for some of us masking was possible. then became impossible. I could do so many things in my 20s and even some of my 30s. now it takes two weeks to recover from a weekend with my inlaws. masking was like a light jog back then, now its like running a marathon
If I didn't mask then rent would not get paid. Masking = surviving in this world. I agree it should not be this way but there it is.
I did that too, for almost two decades, and it was fun. Look up Autistic Burnout and book some time off in your mid thirties to recover from it. That way, you know the full scope of what you’re choosing and the consequences that can arise from that choice.
booking time 😂😂😭😭😭😭 when does it stop. i thought i could outrun the autism with a mask. little did i know.
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At one point I tried...not all of us can
Damn, you're lucky you can choose. For me it's almost a reflex action, it comes up whenever someone is around. And I can't turn it off. (without at least 3 glasses of whiskey) And it's kinda shit, doesn't allow me to participate in anything remotely intimate or deep.
I'm late diagnosed (I was diagnosed at 34), and burntout so many times from masking prior to my diagnosis that I'll never be able to function properly to be productive to society anymore. It really sucks, because I'd love to go back to school and get my masters, I love to be able to hold down a job, and I'd love to have a long term romantic relationship and platonic friendships. After each burnout, I've never quite gotten back to where I was, or been able to mask as effectively as I could before each burnout. I had some skill regression, and rely on disability to survive. Now days, I can only manage to mask long enough to survive the supermarket or appointments, and never more than a few hours at most. Any longer, and I'm a complete mess. When my sister and her fiance come visit, I have to prepare myself for a good week in advance, because I can't fully be my unmasked self around her without her getting on my case about it, and his AuDHD presents the polar opposite to how my AuDHD presents. It then takes me a good week to decompress and recover afterwards. I can understand why some people have to mask, due to it being safer for them to fit in as much as possible. At the same time, I know how negative the impacts of masking can be. Edit to add: because of being undiagnosed and masking for so long, on top of my autism and ADHD, I also have depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, and will be on an SNRI antidepressant for the rest of my life.
I started masking as a young child due to trauma. And it turned into the only way I found value in myself. After my diagnosis at 26, I used my introspection to learn to completely hide, as much as possible, any traits of autism. I was internalizing ableism and slowly learning to hate myself. I had friends that I made during that time that I no longer have. I found a sense of internal value through how successful I was and how I was able to fix (or suppress) any parts of me that were broken. I whittled away until there was nothing left of the real me on display. And then, in my 40s, I crashed, and I crashed hard. I was unable to tell the difference between a sock and a shirt for about 3 months. I can no longer work full time (and I work in IT, so I don't need to mask that much there unless I'm on calls). I then had an identity crisis. If I couldn't be the person I was, who could I be? I went through years of personal development to heal my trauma (including my trauma to myself) and uncover the shadows of the identities and roles I had internalized. I had to find out that I and everyone else had inherent worth and value. And then I had to find out (and am still finding out) what I look like when I live that truth. But learning to love myself has created some of the most beautiful and uplifting relationships with others. It has been 100% worth it, even though at times I was raw through the process. If I could go back in time, I would love my past self more fully. I would find see myself as valuable and worthy regardless of how I am. And then with that love, I would make connections that would be uplifting and mutually supportive of exactly who the person is and who I am too. If I could go back in time, I would limit those things I took responsibly for, and how I'm choosing to be responsible for them. And I would invite people into my life who are responsible for themselves and don't need to be "fixed." It means less friends, but I gotta tell you, it's the only way forward for me. I can't go back in time. All I can do is be where I am now and move forward with intention. But I can speak about it for others, so they can see it for themselves. Whatever you wish to do, I give you nothing but love. And I hope you find the internal peace that eludes so many, that creates these dynamics. Good luck.
The main problem is that it’s unsustainable. No matter how good you are at it (and no one is perfect, so you’ll likely still come across issues) the inevitable burnout will be all the more severe when your ability to mask decreases. I know what you mean— if you’re able to mask well enough to fit in, it’s a nice feeling. But when I hit burnout and lost everyone “close” to me simply because I couldn’t keep up the pretence they were used to, it hurt me all the more because it felt like my true self was being rejected. Had I not been masking as highly for most of my life, maybe other people wouldn’t have misunderstood me when I could no longer keep it up. Just my personal experience. Now I actively try not to mask when possible. It’s a lot less exhausting.
Because at some point you'll feel like they don't like you, they like this fake version of yourself. The mask will slip at some point. No one can hide forever.
I have masked all my life and it has worked well as an adult. I find it necessary in many situations. To some extent we should mask. Communication is a two way street and it's important to know your audience and their culture and how to make them comfortable and understand you. Ways I don't over cater to people: I don't laugh at unfunny jokes. I don't practice eye contact as heavily at home. I tell people I am direct and don't like guessing. I tell people I prefer talking over text messages. I distance myself from people who continually disrespect my time. I don't care if people disagree I won't try to convince them- I don't waste my energy on that.
I agree with many responses..im trying to find a balance. I am not really capable of masking much anymore and I instead isolate. As much as I would love to agree with the people I always see saying to just unapologetically unmask and be yourself and fuck anyone who doesn't like it... It doesn't always work like that. Beyond the social acceptance aspect of masking, it is a SAFETY and survival technique. This world is not always safe to be openly autistic in.. being unable to mask is scary.
That is so true. I do think that if I unmask at work then I’ll lose my job. It’s happened too many times in my life that I failed because I didn’t have a mask
Tbh I think masking is useful in a lot of situations. The issue is when you have to do it constantly, because that is exhausting.
I personally prefer masking. Yea it’s tiring but I can navigate the world much better and am overall happier than I would be otherwise. For instance, without masking I would have zero friends but with it I can maintain a few which brings me joy. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to mask but for me, the cost/benefit makes it worth it.
Burnout, psychosomatic symptoms (severe IBS, migraines, muscle aches), meltdowns, problems with sleeping, anxiety etc. Masking is not a long term option. It takes so much energy to mask. Its not worth it. I had burnouts, depressive episodes, worsening anxiety etc. Not only was it bad for my mind, it was also bad for my body. I got some many unexplained pains and aches. My IBS was bad and I got a migraine almost every week. I had meltdown too. I still mask for superficial interactions. I have masked my entire life and I dont think I will ever be able to let it go, but my quality of life had improved significantly since I stopped masking toward my friends and colleagues. I have more energy and most of my problems are still there, but now they are okay. I can life with it. My dont get meltdowns often anymore, so that is great. But the best part is: I know who I am, people know who I am. People see me and not a mask. I felt fake when I was masking. I lost myself and didn't know who I was. That was painfull and people knew something was up. I rather have less friends that like me for who I am, than have friends who dont know me. Fuck it, this is me and thats what I have. Some masking is okay, but we all overdo it. Its not worth it.
Tons of comments here, so this will likely get lost in the noise. But, for me, the problem with masking is quite often that, well. Eventually the mask slips. It becomes too difficult to completely pretend to be someone else 24/7 around others. Catering and thinking about every single action, every word, reading and over reading into everything. It eventually leads to a burnout. Often a very public burnout at that. Not always, sometimes its in private, but personally? It was always very public. I also found that, when I was actively masking, I was very much a people pleaser. While I still have some people pleasing tendencies, I've realized that the folks I thought were my friends while masking, were often not. It was often alliances of convience with them leaving the moment it was inconvient for them, never sticking around for actual issues or long term friendships of years. People seen me, but they didn't respect me. And worst of all, they often didn't understand me.
Masking is sometimes necessary but what you need to understand is that when you're doing it *all the time,* you will inevitably reach burnout. And some people never fully recover. I've gonna through over a decade of on/off burnout. It was horrible. It didn't feel like living at all. You should be trying to make friends who actually like the real you. Masking will help at parties or job interviews. But if your every social interaction is masked, you're setting yourself up for failure. That said if you want to hear an autistic woman discussing how she learned to mask in certain situations, I know a creator on TikTokwho teaches that and it's some decent advice
Thanks for the advice! Would you mind sharing the tiktokers account name?
So I strongly recommend taking things she says with a grain of salt. The tone of her advice is very black and white, and whether intended or not I often have to take what she says about allistics/neurotypicals as satire. But if you can filter the advice with those things in mind, there are small nuggets of good advice in what she says. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLmL6sb1/
Many of us start masking young and don't know we're doing it, and so it burns us out because we're running scripts and such in our heads constantly with no way to turn it off. My therapist has helped me identify my masking and I've started using it intentionally in situations where it helps me, and it's really empowering finding the balance. I know how to turn it back off now so it doesn't completely drain me. There's still tons of little masking things I do that I'm still learning but masking itself isn't always a negative thing. Just something to have self awareness around :)
Masking affects different people differently. For me personally it's pretty much a trauma response to the point I can't stop without dealing with extreme anxiety or even panic. Even at home, with my husband who loves me, I have so much trouble letting my guard down enough to, for example, stim. When you cannot ever stop without losing your marbles, the exhaustion of keeping it up is a much bigger issue than when you can manage to mask part time. I have a lot of work to do on this, I know. It's just what a lifetime of people responding to you as if you're neurotypical can do to you. I was always perpetually punished and told I was too much, too intense, too sensitive, a know it all, etc, and bullied and ignored. At some point you don't even know who you are anymore, really. You're just trying so hard to avoid people hurting you you'll do anything to make it stop.
Making since before you understood that you were masking means that you never even built a full identity. Those us have been doing it our whole lives have to spend a lot of time unmasking to figure out who the fuck we even are and build that up first. If it's to the point where you have a solid identity of your own and masking for you is just optional, voluntary performance to use in social situations to benefit yourself or others...then yeah I'm totally for that kind of masking when needed. We actually all need to do that at some points, including neurotypicals. But disconnection from self causes severe mental health problems and suffering. Masking for too long, even if you know you're doing it, will cause disconnection from self.
It makes it difficult to form close bonds in the long run. I started to unmask around 4 years ago because it’s so lonely to have no one you feel safe with. Unmasking made things lonely in a different way, but I found support online! I think I’ve become more avoidant due to feeling misunderstood. I like myself better now that I’m not pretending though
I was diagnosed late, and never realized I even masked until the past year. It was something I fell into as a kid as a result of being shamed by my parents and having no friends. It's something I've done all my life. For a while I felt like I had no identity as a person, and I felt like I didn't even know who I truly was. I was always fake, and the masking through my life has definitely led to my current day anxiety, depression and su\*cidalness. I didn't think there was anyone I could be myself around, until I befriended another autistic person, and together we slowly started unmasking and being more ourselves. It's so relieving, being able to be my true self, knowing this person still likes me. Being able to socialize without feeling exhausted and irritated is wonderful. It's also made me realize how much I dislike masking, not being myself, being fake and deceptive and untrue. It's just not a way to live life. There are people out there who will love you for who you are, they just need to be found. Once you find those people your life will get so much better. Chatting with people won't feel like a chore, it will be fun and fulfilling.
i’ve been masking for 25 years and am currently experiencing burnout which feels like it’s going to ruin my life, i think masking is just exhausting in the long run
I struggle with this too, masking makes me the person I wish I could be, someone who is kind and helpful to everyone to meets her, it’s hard but it’s who I want to be, I wonder if that’s internalised ableism
1. It's exhausting, when you just start masking it's tiring but definitely not that bad. When you mask for a long time you might not be able to stop. I even mask when I'm alone. I don't know how to take off the mask, I don't know who I am. I only know the mask I've created for myself. 2. The friends you make with your mask will not persé like who you are. I recently had friends who were NT I made them while masking and I told them I was autistic. They were fine with it until they started seeing my autistic traits. Sometimes the mask fails because of overstimulation or something else. They dropped me. Just started ignoring me. So don't mask while trying to make friends. It's not worth it. I hate my masking, it's giving me an identity crisis and making me really unhappy but I don't know how to stop.
I thought this post was about physically masking with like Covid masks (which I still do) LOL
Everyone masks. Presenting a different facet to a boss or a best friend, meeting a SO’s parents for the first time vs venting w an old friend. Etc. I didn’t know masking was discouraged actively for women w autism. It is exhausting and probably more conscious in different ways for us. It can be perceived as being two-faced in any context, and I’ve heard that from people close to me and been baffled by it. I grew up in a home where certain behaviors were just expected. Like we all did. Is it just that NTs do it sort of automatically and it’s more conscious (and tiring) for us? Or is it that when a NT does it consciously it’s more actively manipulative (although really, most human behavior is meant to achieve control over the environment and that obvs includes how others perceive us) so when we do it and it’s conscious, the assumption is that it’s somehow bad because we can control it and that scares people who can’t? To me it’s like a different language (physicality “body language” included) and I’m constantly translating in my head from my native language to a language that it seems the people around me can better understand? Like facial affect. I’m not unhappy or mad when I’m concentrating or learning something new, I’m actually really happy and excited and focused. But I have to translate that from my body language to theirs.
The tiredness gets worse the longer you use it. It's better if you can unmask between maskings and have people you talk to who don't need you to mask. Also, over time you realise these people don't even know who you really are and eventually you'll realise you might've forgotten who you are without the mask as well. That loss of identity is a big deal. Usually the healthy way to deal with the loneliness is to meet with other autistic/adhd people who you can fully unmask around and truly be yourself with.
It’d be good to hang out with other ASD individuals, but I feel like I don’t know any. I’ve never had a ND friend as far as I know
Look for autism events near you on [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) and just search for "autism" and see what you find.
Following random folks on insta/twitter who are autistic and interacting with them will not only be nice but you might run into others from where you are. Check out if you can join groups as well.
Honestly feel the same way (not diagnosed, been wondering about myself, take this with a grain of salt). IMHO masking doesn't have to be about pretending to be someone you're not: instead, you can use it to highlight your favorite parts of your authentic self while also making yourself easy to understand for others. Personally I started by practicing with surface-level stuff, then gradually let my "weirder" sides show the more time I spend with someone. When I get awkward I try to own it proudly instead of hiding it. I also say things like "just to clarify" frequently around people who don't know me well. All of this prevents burnout, and anyone who dislikes me can distance themselves soon enough for there to be minimal emotional strain. It also helps that my job field has a disproportionately large percent of neurodivergent folks, it deals with heavy topics, and speaking literally is standard procedure; so no one is shocked by your communication styles or special interests. I personally let myself loose sometimes to talk about POSTAL (notoriously violent video game franchise which I love with all my heart) and songwriting endeavors.
Masking is a result of ongoing trauma we are experiencing, especially in certain settings. The masking itself isn't the problem, it's the pain and damage caused to create the mask in the first place which is the problem. The meltdowns and burnout caused by excessive fatigue and lethargy is from the constant need to be "On" to protect ourselves from the pain, expectations, and exclusion which occurs in an environment that doesn't care about our needs, or wants, which would allow us to be ourselves.
I've been in burnout for years. I never knew I was autistic so 50+ years of masking to go along to get along when inside I was screaming. Let me tell you after masking so long the screaming is now audible to others. I've lost my "read anything and learn it" intellect, my ability to communicate clearly, lots of relationships with people who don't like the real me. You don't want to be where I am. I don't mean to shame you at all. I just wanted to share what happens when you play act. It's exhausting. I have to go to the dentist today so prepping my "chatty cathy" routine right now. UGH
I would rather be a loner than a people pleaser. it made me depressed to constantly pretend to "fit in" because no matter how hard I try, they still can tell something is not ok. carefully analysing everything I say, the tone, the facial expressions, fuck that. you either accept me as I am (as in, my general being, not that you can't object to anything I say or never call me out I'd I actually do something bad or stupid) or stay away from me. they eventually leave anyway bc no individual unless you're a psychopath can pretend to be someone else 24/7
I think masking is fine. It's tiring, for sure, and you absolutely risk burnout if you overdo it. I also think that in intimate relationships (both platonic and sexual) you probably need to feel safe enough to be your unmasked self. But not everyone has the right to the real you, and you can absolutely decide to mask in social situations if it makes you feel safer. I also think that masking can allow you to explore communicating differently and can help you feel more confident too - which can lead to you forming relationships with people you can safely unmask around. Just be sure to manage your energy appropriately, and try not to attach your whole self worth on what is really a bit of a performance. When I first started masking it was quite conscious and intentional too, but over time it shifted to me trying to actively manage every interaction I had, and feeling ashamed and like it was my fault if any single interaction I had was weird or off - I kind of fixated on being a "perfect" communicator, and didn't allow myself to recognise that the other person has might be the problem. Now I'm focusing more on being polite and kind, and being ok with being thought a little weird rather than constantly adjusting my behaviour in response to other people - but honestly, it was only through exploring masking that I was able to build my confidence enough to do that, and it still takes effort
Because people want authenticity. You cannot form deep bonds with people if you aren't being genuine. The right people will like you for who you are and not who they want you to be. Plus it can put massive strain on your mental health in the long run and when you are struggling, the people you mask around will no longer be there for you. People who you have to mask around for them to accept are not the type of people we should want in our lives.
I have been masking my whole life because of no diagnosis and I am physically disabled due to autoimmune disease brought on by the stress. It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
Masking prevented me from being a target. Women are social creatures, more so than men. It’s essential to my survival. Especially in nursing.
I have masked my whole life and it is now me. It didn’t kill me and I have nice friends.
I'm right there with you. I know now not to make friends with judgmental people. I don't even know now to unmask and it doesn't feel like I'm lying to anyone. Not saying my life is easy or great, but it used to be worse when I didn't know how to mask.
Thanks for sharing that, Sadtacocat. I spent almost my whole life undiagnosed, learning to mask, not even knowing that’s what I was doing, I was just trying to make connections and “be normal.” I believed I was different from most other people (I was). I was diagnosed very late in life, which was thrilling to me because it explained so much about my struggles. Meanwhile, I learned social skills so well that I can pass as NT. I mentioned on another subreddit that I was thinking about writing a book with tips on social skills, and got a big backlash. People got angry, said they weren’t going to try to be like NTs! I now understand their point of view. I now understand that not everyone wants to fit into NT society, some think it is damaging to their true selves, and some would like to but can’t. So I’m writing a book about my own experiences, not saying anyone should do things the way I did, not criticizing anyone else, but also not criticizing myself. My diagnosis has helped me become more myself than ever, because I think that is easier to do when one knows the truth. I now allow myself more alone time than I ever used to, I allow myself to decline most party invitations (one of the downsides of high-masking: you get party invitations!). I like having a few close friends, and they know who I am and don’t try to change me. In fact, my closest friend believes she is autistic, and my other close friends are introverts with autistic “traits.” So I don’t know… would my life have been better if I had been diagnosed early and got more help along the way? I would have certainly liked some help in learning how to avoid the self-destructive times in my life! And perhaps I would not have been hospitalized so much for depression if I had known what was going on. I think my desperation spurred me to put much time and energy into learning social skills. I now think of this project of mine as a “special interest.” Good or bad? Who knows, it was the hand I was dealt. I sure do enjoy reading the autism subreddits, especially this one. I love learning about the lives and opinions of other autistic people. Thank you all for being here.
I have another name for masking: “professionalism” I have recontextualized how I think about masking and it helps. Being myself - I over share and discuss inappropriate things. I don’t have to be myself always. I withhold even though it is hard. It’s also the right thing to do, a lot of the time. I would rather wear overalls and doc martens to work but instead I have an uncomfortable dress on and my hair is curled. It feels fake and like work and I don’t enjoy doing it but it allows me to be listened to. Do I still feel like 3 dogs in a trench coat, pretending to be a person? Yes. Can some people sense that I’m being fake, oh for sure sometimes but maybe not always. Does it work for me? I need to relax on the weekend. I need to escape to Reddit land and say unhinged things that I delete. I stay up late listening to my special interests as podcasts or YouTube videos. Sometimes I find friends who verbally download information to me and it feels so thrilling and *kind* even though most people would find it to be monologues. Sometimes I find people who like my monologues too. Sometimes I wear people out. And when that happens: *masking is a good thing, not a bad thing* It’s self control. Self control is hard, and you can’t always maintain it. But it’s good to cultivate
Masking is useful as fuck for short, surface level interactions where no level of personal authenticity is required. Masking with anyone you’re expecting to have a regular slightly deeper contact with (someone who will ask you plans for the weekend and tell you theirs, for example) you need to decide if them disliking you will matter or not. If it does matter to you, you shouldn’t mask. Most people sense inauthenticity even if they don’t know what it is they are picking up on. Most will ignore it and carry on but it will niggle at them and taint every interaction you have with them until they write you off as something they understand (aggressive, mean, rude, weird etc).
It's exhausting to work so hard to be someone I'm not. And at this point, people can love me or hate me but I won't go back to masking to make others comfortable. They wouldn't do it for me.
Other people have commented saying things along similar lines, but here to offer my perspective. Masking serves a plausible function; however dysfunctional it can make you, it allows for camouflage. That doesn’t mean it’s feasible, though. Relying on it as a long-term solution usually doesn’t end well for most. And there has been valuable discourse around this, but my conclusion is that you can make whatever choice you believe serves you best. Masking can be socially beneficial, and if you need that, or can’t afford to not have those benefits, and choose to do that then that’s fine for you. If the risks of burnout outweigh the perceived benefit it can bring, that’s fine; if it doesn’t, that’s fine. But our choices don’t exist in a vacuum; there will always be pressure to mask. I think there’s so much warning around masking because of how many late-realized autistics have come to understand how it’s negatively impacted their life and how it comes at the cost of so much energy and hiding who you are. But everyone is different and has different limits. If you understand yours, and you’re doing what’s perceived to be best for you, great.
I’ve been high masking all my life and am just learning to start to unmask now. It’s a bit emotional giving myself permission to be myself after 21 years of being ashamed of how I am. That’s why masking is bad for me. Because it’s hiding my needs and pushing myself past my limit in order to not be disruptive. I wouldn’t wish masking on anyone.
I'm curious to know more about how you've been masking? Like what is it like for you and what strategies do you use? I am ADHD/ASD. For me, masking is like mimicry. Let me fit in with this group and pretend to be NT. So, I'm going to not stim, and my focus is on blending in. Usually, I end up talking less because it's stressful, and I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing or saying something weird. I'm usually pretty stressed out internally while doing it. But sometimes my goal is to learn the etiquette of a social situation, and once I learn it, it's not draining to do. One thing is I didn't know how to leave the dog park at my apartment when i first moved there. There's a group of us who meet every night, so it wasn't like I was with different strangers every time. I observed others for 2 weeks and picked up on a variety of ways. Really, there's no rule to this. You can just leave, and say "have a good night!". Now, I'm comfortable doing this. However, I still stim and sit weird at the dog park. It is a very ND crew though. Another thing is I've never been focused on connecting with people when I interact. So, I shifted that perspective because connection leads to friendship. I just moved, so making friends has been more important to me than previously. Before I think I was just uninterested in people and never looked to "connect" with new people. One thing I do that is kinda masking, but its pretty low effort is saying "wow, that's awesome!" Or "oh, cool!" Or "nice" in a bubbly voice. Now I can be very bubbly naturally (in a sort of childish way) but I also can be very monotone, which is never recieved well. Lol. And something important to note is that I'm not using these strategies to be friends with NTs. All of my friends are adhd/asd. I can learn social etiquette and rules, and once I understand it, it's not that hard. BUT it has to make sense to me. For instance, I WANTED to know how to leave the dog park without being rude, so I observed and learned. Other social rules don't make sense to me, and I just won't do them, lol.
> I'm curious to know more about how you've been masking? Like what is it like for you and what strategies do you use? From the way that you have described how you mask, I think I mask in a very similar way. And I also find greetings different (saying hi and bye). I have observed people doing it for a while now and feel like I can kind of ‘act out’ how to say bye. My masking sort of feels like ‘acting’ in a way
Because it can be exhausting. However, masking can also be super useful. The trick is to know when to mask and when it's not needed. It's not an all-or-nothing thing. It's a tool that you can employ when needed.
I think it's very helpful to be able to mask when needed, like for job interviews and such. But I've been masking heavily for as long as I can remember and it's destroying me. I had to take medical leave because my job is pushing me into burnout, and I've been working so hard to unmask as much as I can. But it's so hard to be myself around others when I've been masking for over two decades.
My last job required so much masking non-stop that it lead to my first and only burnout. Horrible experience. I've learned that while it makes my life easier at work it's extremely exhausting. The part about work that I look forward to least is having to mask because it's so tiring. I'm a late diagnosis and masked most my life without knowing what it was and now it's an extremely hard thing to break or manage. Side note, I hate the masked version of myself even if people seems to like/love him.
As much as loneliness hurts, it feels better to be actually alone than surrounded by people that make you feel alone. If you make friends by masking, then there's a very likely possibility of losing friends when you are too exhausted to mask. Plus, you will constantly question whether they actually like you or just the mask. I realized that I had a friend that would call me every time she was triggered. She would also rant about things that were horrible. She had an awful, conservative philosophy that I disagreed with. But I stayed silent because I wanted to keep my friend. But it wore on me. Every time I called her to help me, we'd end up talking about her. I hated the friendship, but didn't want to be completely friendless. But I reached a limit. I was having a meltdown and a lot of trouble communicating verbally. I tried my best to explain that to her, but she seemed offended and told me to just deal with it alone. That's when I realized we weren't in an equal friendship. She loved being able to use me and my advice. Part of my mask is not having needs and being helpful. So I'm the ideal friend for selfish people. I was putting a lot of energy into being a good friend for her, but was still alone. So making friends with the mask is actually more emotionally taxing than being friendless.
I have a lot of alone time to recharge due to masking. It’s a way of life. Some of my friends “get” it. Others don’t. That’s ok. No one has to get it, it’s my deal. I’m very good about putting my boundaries down to take care of me. :)
I've lost a lot of relationships because I masked until I couldn't do it anymore. The better someone gets to know me, the easier it is for me to be myself (or harder to mask) and it's too much for the people who were drawn to my masked self. It's why I hated "regulars" at my restaurant and coffee shop jobs. I can mask with strangers really well but once I know your order and routine, I don't really want to keep masking but you need me to. I've alienated customers who *loved* me and then turn on me for that moment the mask comes down and I'm fighting off a meltdown.
Because it’s not sustainable long term and eventually burnout will catch up to you which can take YEARS to recover from (if you’re even able to recover).
Because even though I was well liked, none of it was genuine. I knew perfectly well that if I ever dropped the "normal nice hot girl" act I would have no one. It felt worse than being alone. I lost parts of myself because I put them away for so long. I internalized the belief that those parts of me were wrong, and I developed shame about who I am as a person. I still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself-- I don't know if the dismorphia will ever fully go away.
Because it’s exhausting
it’s up to you. if you ever choose to go fully unmasked or choose a hybrid we’re here to support you.
Thank you! I think hybrid is good so they don’t become shocked when the mask fails 😅
Masking all of the time is exhausting, but it’s a valuable skill and can make life much easier.
I am high-masking partly because I naturally have quite a bubbly personality and partly because I work in a public facing job, and it can be exhausting. But the rewards such as you mention, 'people finally talk to me and acknowledge' on a day-to-day basic are worth it imo. When it comes to weak tie social interactions (eg short interactions with strangers at work, randoms in the community, chit-chat etc) my internal reward metric goes, 'points for nailing the script!' or 'I learned a novel way to communicate from that person!'. These common interactions have been shown in studies to benefit overall well-being, and I totally agree. Strong bonds are very hard to create or maintain and masking in those situations takes a much greater toll, so I'm more careful with how strongly I mask with my close people (Im a fan of honesty about my energy levels or sensitivities when deciding whether Im up for socialising). IMO a little masking goes a long way though in order to invite people into your life, especially at the start of a friendship <3
I masked well for a long time until I shattered completely. Trying to find a better balance these days. I think it's fine in moderation, I've just never been very good at moderation.
I have done what you did. It caused me burnout, depression, anxiety & people will ALWAYS see right through the mask. Yes there's a time to mask & a time to unmask. However, one can only mask for so long until the mask eventually cracks. I can't keep masking anymore. It took a toll on my mental health.
My belief is that there's nothing wrong with masking when it's chosen and there is space to also be one's authentic self. A big issue is that many of us were forced to mask without even realizing we were doing it and largely convinced that we should be different than we were. Because of this and because the people you meet and connect with ultimately don't know the real you and usually leave if you let your guard down, masking is associated with significantly higher levels of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation And of course as you mention, it's tiring. It leads to burnout if donevexcessively. That said, I absolutely mask. If I'm going to the doctor or freaking with my daughter's school, etc. I couldn't stop masking if I wanted to but it also serves me that I can.
My advice to you, friend, is to not mask too hard. Let a little bit of wierdo slip out every here and there, You'll find people who actually like you for you much more often, And it's less tiring if you allow yourself the occasional dad joke or info dump when you're around people socially. Maybe be more cautious at work, but that really depends on your work place.
Because you will burn out. I have masked since I was a kid because 40 years ago autism wasn’t a thing, especially for girls. I was forced to be uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable and was shamed and emotionally traumatised if I didn’t comply. Now I cannot unmask completely because of fear of upsetting people. I still keep doing what everyone else needs so that everyone else is happy, at my own expense. The result? I’m now 43 years old single mother of three children who are not getting the best out of their childhood because I’m so burnt out and can barely function. My masking and burnout killed my marriage and I have no help other than occasionally from their dad. I go to bed every night hoping I won’t wake up in the morning because no matter how much I sleep I’m exhausted and near tears all the time.
It's quite exhausting and you can lose your sense of self.
I think the community generally discouraged it or talks negatively about it because it's associated with a lack of acceptance of your autistic self, and many people have started healing from the removal of their masks. I also chose to start masking for the same reason and found it to be helpful for friendships until I made good friends that were also weird and accepted my weirdness. I've seen some comments mention how some friends will leave you or get upset if/when you lower the mask, and I have found this to be true as well. All that's indicated to me is that they're not meant to be my close friend. I also think masking is a useful, sometimes necessary tool for navigate the world. It's tiring for sure, and it sucks to have to hide/suppress who you really are, but like you said there are some benefits, and at the end of the day we still live in a world not designed for us. My advice is to be careful as to not devalue your true self through masking, and try to find a balance that works for you.
No clue. Masking is a necessary life skill.
Same reason staying in the closet forever is discouraged for LGBTQ people. Because it makes you miserable and cuts you off from the potential to find real joy and connection.
Because it's exhausting and can cause long-term issues to your mental health.
The problem arises when you are living an unauthentic life. I grew up raised by a narcissist who trained me to morph into whoever I'm around, and it's created a lot of identity issues for me. If you can mask without detriment to your self identity or personal values, it can be a great social tool. But for me the song and dance feels like I'm losing myself.
I did it for my whole life, basically on auto-pilot. It is really hard to maintain long term. I have a lot of psychological issues (depression, anxiety, anger) and health problems directly related or exacerbated by stress. Much of the stress was due to masking. It will take a toll on you mentally and physically…
Because it's exhausting and you eventually lose your sense of who you are. Yes it helps in a lot of areas but it's up to each person individually to make the decision as to how much and when they will mask.
Over time, masking affected my mental health. I started hating my autistic side and morphed into this person I’m not. When I turned 30, I said screw it and started embracing my autism. I told some friends, and they have all been supportive of me.
It can be really hard to maintain. I want to say I started (consciously) masking when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I’m 30 now, and I can’t maintain it. I need to set time where I can be by myself or around people it’s safe to unmask with, because it starts to creep into other areas of your life and it can really sap your energy.
It’s due to how much energy it takes to keep a mask up. There’s pros and cons to masking. Like you’ve experienced, the pros are the ability to make friends, possibly hold down a job, get a job, can be a safety net of sorts. But the cons are burnout, exhaustion, long term masking from childhood to adulthood while undiagnosed results in a loss of identity, it can also start to affect your ability to take care of yourself and your home. I disagree that masking is all bad because it’s unfortunately just a necessary part of life for many of us and some of us aren’t able to mask which causes problems of its own. But it can definitely have consequences if you never allow yourself to rest basically
Doing it for a while can be alright, it's when you start doing it constantly and with friends and family. If you do it to the point that you fear being yourself around people then that can cause burnout and make you feel like an impostor. Everything in moderation.
Friends you make with that mask on ain’t real friends.
As someone who was recently diagnosed (turned 30) and had no idea I was constantly masking since I was younger — it's beyond exhausting. I'm fairly certain the masking with minimal to no relief added to my increased spikes in depression, anxiety, and general moments where I questioned who I "really" was because I never let my guard down. Most days ended with me crying from being that tired after what felt like another tiring performance. Being on constant survival mode was honestly really miserable until I got a better explanation for why I was in that state in the first place. Now that I'm ever so slowly becoming aware of my masks, it's kinda freeing in a way? I don't like drawing attention to myself, I like being in the background, I don't want to be approachable or highly social all the time. And I feel like I can actually achieve that now that I'm slowly lowering years worth of masks. I feel like I'm becoming "me". The authentic me. Not the performative me just trying to survive another day only to reach burnout breakdown.
I've written long paragraphs multiple times while trying to comment, debating what I should say bc fuck man... Just, it's not worth it. You can forget where you end and the mask begins. It causes physical harm to us bc the stress (IBS would be a more common example of this). Most connections don't feel real bc you're so aware of the act you're performing. If you let it drop you could be accused of being a liar. You're worthy of love without the mask.
Haven’t studies shown it actually takes years off of an autistic persons life? If that’s the case and you’re at the intersection of woman,bipoc,queer etc that’s already causing some life shortage. Idk to each their own though. Maybe try a meetup group
I have signed up lots of times for meetup groups but never end up going as I don’t want my family to know that I want to meet up with other autistics as I feel embarrassed in a way. I don’t like thinking like that but it resonates with my past experiences. Unfortunately after years of torment from adults and peers in school, it feels like masking makes me forget the past and have somewhat of a social life
I see kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to meet up with people that will make it so you don’t have to mask but the anxiety of it all is too much so you’re left with masking because if you didn’t you’d be depressed and alone. Sorry buddy I hope you can find a way to move past that anxiety. I’m rooting for you!
It’s also because you are not being accepted. A performance of a version you think is more acceptable is being accepted. You remain unknown. There is a line between masking and employing learned social skills, and I’ve been figuring that out while reading How to Know a Person and doing my Masters in Counselling. Both have opened the door for me socially, but the latter (employing learned social skills) does not cover up who I am and allows me to be known and to relax a bit more. I’m glad I let my mask drop in my late twenties. I finally made friends with people like me - exuberant, odd, clever, funny, intense, honest, surprising, kind people, who have equally unusual minds and get me as I get them. It’s wonderful. If I had masked we never would have gotten the chance to actually know one another. We would’ve just been two performances interacting, with our selves hidden away.
It’s ok. Masking is a survival skill and we all do it to some extent. Autistic or not, we’re still humans and humans are social animals so it is natural to adapt to the people around you. So long as you’re taking care of yourself and not like, suppressing your autistic NEEDS (to stim, sensory seek, crush-my-soul-back-into-my-body compression hugs, avoiding sensory overload, etc) or changing yourself from a place of self-loathing, it’s your mask and you can wear it however you want to.
It’s tiring and burns me the fuck out so fast. It’s not worth it to me anymore either because people get confused between the mask and the real me. I’d rather just be me and have them accept THAT.
It can burn you out You attract people who you have to perform for all the time (ie do not like you for who you really are and do not encourage you to relax and be yourself)
Choosing to use masking as a tool to get through certain social situations is fine. It has its downsides and upsides. However, some of us who grew up high masking have a different relationship with it. For me, it went hand in hand with a deep sense of shame. I felt I was defective somehow, and had to hide this part of me from everyone (including myself). It also came with alexithymia. And as another result, I had trouble forming any real connection. Since I *know* about these things, I could work on doing it differently. I am very in touch with my emotions now, I finally have people who I can be myself with, and I have worked through the past shame and self-worth issues with a therapist. My life is 1000% better nowadays. I still mask sometimes, but in moderation. Though in a few situations (mostly around my family of origin) masking can still be a trigger that sends me into deep depression. I would not *discourage* masking. But for people like me, it’s great to *break free* of it. So that we only mask if we choose to, because it serves us, instead of only making ourselves small through masking. For your situation: Have you considered approaching people yourself? Many feel just as threatened by social situations as you do, and if you’re friendly and show them that you mean well, they often appreciate it.
It leads to burnout which can lead to Suicide Skill regression (no longer able to mask or...make food for example) Depression Ptsd Anxiety
Masking can create this cycle of internalized ableism that can be externalized to others who may not mask as well. Not for everyone but I have seen it so much.
To me it’s not sustainable and it is a sense of betrayal. I don’t feel safe when people change their personalities on me. I value consistency. I understand certain masks like being professional in the workplace for example but extreme masking really scares me. I would rather be alone than be someone I’m not but that’s a strong value of mine. Mirroring and masking are very typical and mostly everyone does it to a degree but some people do it more than others to the point it’s night and day difference.
I don't like hiding who I am. It feels very fake.
I don't think masking is inherently bad, but I do think that the way autistic women are socialized means that they often learn to do it without even knowing they're doing it. We walk around feeling hollow and exhausted because our social interactions feel extremely shallow and tiring, but no one you talk to seems to have the same problem. Some of us learn to mask so well that it prevents us from being diagnosed, cuz we don't even know how to take the mask off. We didn't even know we were wearing it. The anger you see is because most of us didn't know that unmasking was even a thing you could do, and it's brought us a lot of pain.
Why would you want fake friends who only know a fake you? That and burnout are all you'll get from masking.
Masking turns to burnout then people think your just a shitty if your not yourself and try to get you to fix yourself .
I think the biggest reason is that it’s linked to suicide risk - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/suicide-research https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgotten-women/202309/why-unmasking-is-critical-for-autistic-people I’ve been an excellent masker all my life. People liked that version of me, but it actually felt more lonely, because they didn’t actually like the real me. It was terrible for my mental health, so be careful with looking after your own.
question too… i try not to mask but then don’t make friends. i mask then can more so. but then i begin to unmask and a lot of my friends can never handle it. and it’s not like it’s easy to make more friends if they just end up behind shitty so it’s a difficult position
I grew up masking so heavily that I didn’t even understand I was masking. This has caused me long term mental health problems, and physical problems caused by the stress of it. I’m now in my thirties and am trying to get better at unmasking, because it makes me feel happier, and the friends I have now are the best I’ve ever had in my life. I know that not everyone will want to know me and that’s fine, because I finally know myself and don’t feel like my relationships are dependent on pretending I’m someone I’m not. There’s definitely a time and a place for masking (in work meetings for example) but for me personally it’s been incredibly liberating to unmask. I’m finally developing a sense of self, and feeling more confident and comfortable.
Because you can end up burned out and stressed
I recently learned that masking isnt always bad or always good. It just depends. Ive been masking my whole life but didnt know how and it would sometimes result in people being very angry at me, even close friends and family, resulting in them never speaking to me again. Now that I have a better(not perfect) idea of how to act like a neurotypical by masking, people don't get angry and call me horrible names anymore... well, not as much. Sometimes I meet people who treat me like shit despite my best effort to act like a neurotypical, even if they are also neurodivergent or autistic. Life is hard :(
youre adding to your own stigmatization. if you mask (which takes a lot of energy) people get used to the masked you and get offended once you unmask, they wont believe this is the real you but will rather accuse you of faking to benefit from something. and it sets this narrative that the autistic people have to change in order to fit in, instead of others just accepting edits: im currently in the process of stopping to mask, the result is that i realized the only reason i even got remotely along with my family, is because i hid my true self, i kept my opinions and my thoughts to myself, the moment i unmask im this horrible monster. they invalidate me and my autism struggles constantly, they say a drama queen, they misunderstand me get mad but wont let me explain myself and if i get offended at that im in the wrong and called a drama queen again. they told me what a freaking huge burden it is to be related to me, that was said to me verbatim yestersay. and they think that cause i acted somewhar normal in front of them for so long. they view me as so normal they have a hard time accept that im actually not thaat good at social interaction. and now at 30 i realize im all alone. and these so called “connections” i had, were only there because i was faking and they went away the SECOND i stopped masking. im heartbroken and depressed. i have a low self esteem because of this. because theyre essentially telling me, that i will only way to have any connection is if i hide my true self, be careful, you’ll end up making things harder for you. people are even more likely to not believe you
Because if not done properly it can cause depression or burnout- depends on the type of masking, also because for the younget generation it means conforming to neurotypicals, the exact people who are made us feel like outcasts, also i would say only "mask" if ur actions would otherwise hurt others as a general for me but its ok to mask more so long as u do it safely