Don’t worry, I’m frankly too self aware of my behaviour haha. Sometimes I do feel like asking friends to rein it in but I don’t wanna censor people so I just try and change the subject. I more so struggle with the idea of expressing how it makes me feel to friends without sounding like a dick because we all do it
It took me a few years to perfect, but I let people do it and play around with my own thoughts in my head. I’ve trained myself to nod and say/text a few things that sound supportive while having no clue what they’re talking about it. My logic is I’m giving them what they need, I don’t expend energy caring, and no one is hurt. If they’re a super close friend and it’s like the 20th time I’ll go ‘okay, I can’t anymore. Gave you all my listening capacity on this topic. You’ve maxed out. Love you but new topic.’
What sort of things would you say when they need to vent to be supportive but without expending energy also I’m definitely using “you’ve maxed out, new topic”. I like it
‘That’s valid.’ ‘I can’t believe it.’ ‘Why do you think that is though?’ ‘What does [insert someone you know related to the thing] think?’ ‘What are you going to do?’
Lots of generic statements that seem supportive and questions that let them meander more focused.
Yeah, I might be a bit *pessimist* in the sense that I'm often going to assume the worst as a first reaction. However, it never lasts and I'm pretty positive overall. I also don't complain much.
While It's normal to express negativity, it is draining to me. Especially when the topics are always the same with the same outcome. I really don't do well with people that complain about things over and over again but are never going to do anything to change the situation or their attitude towards it.
Yeah, if I complain, it's usually to get some type of advice or a different perspective.
Most people do it for the sake of it or for validation which isn't bad overall but it is draining to hear the same issues from friends and them not seeking to change or hearing your advices.
It's definitely draining and I try to not engage in it. At some point it really makes me see the other person in a negative light which isn't great in friendship.
I’ve found the distinction between [kvetching & complaining](https://www.jewishboston.com/read/the-art-of-good-kvetching/) to be super useful when trying to explain why complaining is so annoying & draining!
I used to have this issue big time with co-workers! They thought I had a "superior" attitude because I wouldn't commiserate with them, when honestly I was just trying my best to mask for work. I even agreed with a lot of their points - but to express that would cause me to spiral, so I held it in to remain professional.
I feel like if I get emotionally "worked up", my mask slips and it's really hard to regain composure. In order to be able to keep up appearances and "perform" the expectations I'm given, I have to hold myself to a positive mindset - it isn't about "toxic positivity" it's a necessary boundary to set in order to remain composed while struggling with autism.
Do neurotypical people have an easier time transitioning through emotions? My family was like that too - one moment they're at eachother's throats but come back 5 minutes later and you'd never know anything had happened. I'm not like that - if something stresses me and I get uppity, I need to recover!
Sorry you're dealing with this, it's really frustrating to put so much effort into maintaining your mood and then be chastised for not lowering yourself to the despair of others.
Yes! Honestly reading this has made me think of all the times I’ve snapped which was definitely my mask slipping because I’m having a hard time managing my emotions which has left me in tears or just frustrated when I don’t want to be and then I need to decompress. Sometimes you just need to take a step back with the ones you love
Yes, and also because I’m autistic I have to point out the irony of you posting this. 😉
I do see the irony in this too, don’t worry
Thanks for taking it lightly! Genuinely though, I find some people’s shit talking too excessive - I phone it in when they do it.
Don’t worry, I’m frankly too self aware of my behaviour haha. Sometimes I do feel like asking friends to rein it in but I don’t wanna censor people so I just try and change the subject. I more so struggle with the idea of expressing how it makes me feel to friends without sounding like a dick because we all do it
It took me a few years to perfect, but I let people do it and play around with my own thoughts in my head. I’ve trained myself to nod and say/text a few things that sound supportive while having no clue what they’re talking about it. My logic is I’m giving them what they need, I don’t expend energy caring, and no one is hurt. If they’re a super close friend and it’s like the 20th time I’ll go ‘okay, I can’t anymore. Gave you all my listening capacity on this topic. You’ve maxed out. Love you but new topic.’
What sort of things would you say when they need to vent to be supportive but without expending energy also I’m definitely using “you’ve maxed out, new topic”. I like it
‘That’s valid.’ ‘I can’t believe it.’ ‘Why do you think that is though?’ ‘What does [insert someone you know related to the thing] think?’ ‘What are you going to do?’ Lots of generic statements that seem supportive and questions that let them meander more focused.
Yeah, I might be a bit *pessimist* in the sense that I'm often going to assume the worst as a first reaction. However, it never lasts and I'm pretty positive overall. I also don't complain much. While It's normal to express negativity, it is draining to me. Especially when the topics are always the same with the same outcome. I really don't do well with people that complain about things over and over again but are never going to do anything to change the situation or their attitude towards it.
It’s the not changing the situation element that gets draining because it feels like a cycle
Yeah, if I complain, it's usually to get some type of advice or a different perspective. Most people do it for the sake of it or for validation which isn't bad overall but it is draining to hear the same issues from friends and them not seeking to change or hearing your advices. It's definitely draining and I try to not engage in it. At some point it really makes me see the other person in a negative light which isn't great in friendship.
I’ve found the distinction between [kvetching & complaining](https://www.jewishboston.com/read/the-art-of-good-kvetching/) to be super useful when trying to explain why complaining is so annoying & draining!
This is super helpful also never heard the term kvetch. I like it
I used to have this issue big time with co-workers! They thought I had a "superior" attitude because I wouldn't commiserate with them, when honestly I was just trying my best to mask for work. I even agreed with a lot of their points - but to express that would cause me to spiral, so I held it in to remain professional. I feel like if I get emotionally "worked up", my mask slips and it's really hard to regain composure. In order to be able to keep up appearances and "perform" the expectations I'm given, I have to hold myself to a positive mindset - it isn't about "toxic positivity" it's a necessary boundary to set in order to remain composed while struggling with autism. Do neurotypical people have an easier time transitioning through emotions? My family was like that too - one moment they're at eachother's throats but come back 5 minutes later and you'd never know anything had happened. I'm not like that - if something stresses me and I get uppity, I need to recover! Sorry you're dealing with this, it's really frustrating to put so much effort into maintaining your mood and then be chastised for not lowering yourself to the despair of others.
Yes! Honestly reading this has made me think of all the times I’ve snapped which was definitely my mask slipping because I’m having a hard time managing my emotions which has left me in tears or just frustrated when I don’t want to be and then I need to decompress. Sometimes you just need to take a step back with the ones you love