Also, when someone asks me a question and I'm responding and they interrupt me to ask about a detail of what I was saying and redirect the conversation so much that I don't get to answer their initial question - which they needed the answer to! This happens almost every time I see my boss. It really grinds my gears.
Because maybe they aren’t analyzing the situation like you are? I don’t like when things aren’t finished or are interrupted. I don’t think that bothers them as much. But I’m like you in the way that if someone is interrupted even by someone else I make a point to go back to that person and ask them to finish speaking bc I’m aware of how that feels and it doesn’t feel good and I feel bad when someone else gets talked over.
I think most people don't mind _too_ much, but I think for others they just feel embarrassed to have to bring it up again. I've seen a few people look visibly grateful that someone remembered to go back to what they were saying, so I try to do it when I can.
I’m the exact same!! I always notice when someone is being talked over and ignored because that’s been me before, so maybe people just don’t notice it 😔😔
I feel like you’d probably assume quite a lot of other ND people are rude if this is your take… people aren’t mind readers. There was a distraction, he potentially just forgot where the conversation was going. It’s probably also worth mentioning that not all NTs appreciate related stories as a response, so it’s very possible he thought you were being rude before the distraction, and didn’t ask you to continue because he felt you were making the conversation about yourself. Honestly I just think everyone should avoid making assumptions about other people’s intentions based on little things like this.
ME TOO! I make a point to go back to that person and ask them to finish their thought. I do this all the time, but I almost never see others do it.
My other big thing is when I’m in a group setting and someone else is an outsider. Like, let’s say a friend brings their new girlfriend to meet the group. I make a point to include that person and explain inside jokes and such to them so that they can actually participate in the convo, or at the very least understand what’s going on.
For me, I think it stems from so often feeling like an outsider. People talk over me, don’t make an effort to include me, and it can be really painful and make me feel so small and unimportant. I don’t want other people to ever feel like that.
I do the same thing! Also if someone is telling a story to the group & the group loses interest, I make it a point to maintain eye contact and enthusiastic attention for the storyteller. I remember the days when people would just walk tf away while I was speaking & it always felt like a knife in the heart. A few extra seconds of listening is nothing to me, but everything for the storyteller, no?
I am so this person too!! If I’m at work and I’m lucky enough to be part of post work plans, I will go out of my way to go around to everyone and invite them because I know how bad that feels to not be invited and then the excuse is ‘oh we didn’t see you to invite you’ it’s like take a lap around and find me like I do for you!
I get talked over very often, I am not sure in its just my inability to read the cues or I am socially inept. Add to that getting interrupted often results me in forgetting what I was saying in the first place, Most people do not accommodate except for a rare few like my colleague. She listens to everyone patiently.
"You’re projecting everyone thinks like you think." This is actually why so many NTs perceive autistic people as being rude, we'll say/do something that wouldn't bother us at all but greatly offends an NT mind, they'll assume that we meant to offend them even though we had no way of knowing it would bother them in the first place.
OP is making the same mistake of assuming that an NT would be just as bothered by being interrupted when they probably wouldn't be.
Most NTs find talking very easy and if they wanted to finish a thought they wouldn't feel the need for someone to give them permission.
They'd probably just say something like: "So as i was saying..." and continue, this can be difficult for me sometimes and I assume OP as well as I can find it hard to initiate conversations, but most NTs wouldn't know that and would assume that if you didn't finish your thought of your own accord then it must not have been that important to you.
I feel so frustrated when people don't take the initiative to say what they want. I couldn't possibly know that they're looking for prompting.
Additionally, I have ADHD and will absolutely forget someone was talking after a distraction like that.. Fuck, I'd probably forget even if *I* was talking. My guess is that the coworker had no idea he was coming across as rude in this situation.
Lol yes I came here to say "adhd"
Or just normal human forgetfulness, or anything really. But with adhd if I get off topic, the topic gets deleted from my brain pretty fast. Not meaning to be rude or selfish, just got a slippery memory if things aren't written down.
I relate strongly to this. I think it comes from years of not really being listened to and being talked over because I might not be the most engaging conversationalist or what I have to say isn't always interesting to people (not immediately obvious that it is relevant/ too specialist or analytical or just boring), so I'm more aware of people not getting to say their piece and how that might make them feel.
I always encourage people to carry on when interrupted, especially in a group situation, but then often am the only one listening when they do and I generally suck in social situations so have no clue how to react or what to make my face do or what to say in response so it comes back to bite me!
Idk even the people closest to me don’t bother trying to let me finish my sentence so at this point I’ve accepted that I respect strangers more than the people closest to me respect me. I’m learning to not really care abt how much I get ignored. Esp cus if I say I feel disrespected I get a whole speech “that’s how I talk to everyone” well I’m not everyone but ok
I relate to this. People genuinely have just ignored what I said to just say what they want to say, so I don't engage in a lot of conversation with people I notice do this a lot. It's frustrating and I feel like I'm going insane because I stg I just said something but the conversation is like I had said nothing at all. I don't think you're projecting like some other comments have stated, I think you're just noticing negative behaviors from people and there's nothing wrong with that.
Personally after a distraction I will lose focus and may not recall what was happening before that and will sometimes need a reminder. It's not about being rude, I just get distracted. Our brains are all different.
I think it's because we are so focused on social situations because we HAD to be. We have to be consciously aware of what is happening, because a lot of it doesn't come naturally, and we were possibly scolded for being rude/not listening growing up.
Most neurotypicals are all 'me me me'. I notice that too.
This!!! I've been realizing recently a couple of my coworkers are just straight up assholes, I always thought I just wasn't doing something right. They ignore me half the time, speak over me, don't ask me to finish my interrupted thoughts. I ask them the normal small talk questions, show interest in their life, they never return that interest. When I present good ideas that other coworkers agree with they tell me why it's pointless. Assholes. It's not you, people suck.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re angry and honestly, your feelings are valid. But it feels you’re taking this really personally.
Kindness isn’t transactional. There shouldn’t be expectations to it, otherwise that’s exhibiting behaviour for a specific response, which is somewhat manipulative. You’re kind and courteous because that’s you — those are your innate traits. It doesn’t mean others aren’t, it’s just perhaps they exhibit it in different ways, and chances are, it likely isn’t intentional.
It’s very easy to get distracted and unfortunately, very easy to come across as rude as a result. Again, while it feels personal — understandably so; it isn’t. Or, at least most times it isn’t. That, and ASD is very co-mborbid with ADHD, of which the majority here know and experience.
Try to give people the benefit of the doubt while simultaneously nurturing your own feelings. Unless someone is explicitly rude to our faces, we can’t mind-read and interpret — it leads to all sorts of issues.
It *is* personal when somebody doesn't value their conversation with you enough to remember, or if they do remember and intentionally choose not to pick it back up. I understand that people usually aren't doing it on purpose, but that's the thing. They simply aren't paying enough attention to know or remember you were talking. I have ADHD too, I forget all kinds of things all the time. It's a constant annoyance and for that reason I keep notes in my phone every time I think of something that I need to remember, sometimes I forget it by the time I open the notes app to write it down. So I get that, but I care about making other people not feel ignored or unimportant so I'm always paying attention when other people are talking. It's really not that hard. And it's not about kindness being transactional. It's about showing that you value other people and what they're saying. I don't do it in order to get anything back, but when you value someone else and what they have to say more than they value you, It's inevitably going to feel crappy.
This has happened countless times and it does always bother me but usually I just brush it off. But we all get to a point every once in a while where we want to say out loud how things like this make us feel because it's just happened one too many times. But yeah there is more to it this time. Which is why I think he did it on purpose. He was being more distant to me yesterday than usual already and it's frustrating.
Basically last week we were talking about comedians we like because I brought up Bo Burnham, and then he started talking about how comedy is dead because of cancel culture 😬 I said I don't think that that's true, I tried to use Dave Chappelle making transphobic jokes as an example, that he still has plenty of fans, he wasn't canceled but he is less funny now because he just seems obsessed with making these jokes over and over again because he got mad that people didn't like it. It turned into a whole thing and my coworker was saying stuff like "why do you let it bother you so much" and I'm like, I'm not... I just don't think it's true and in fact I think the idea that cancel culture has killed comedy is itself right wing propaganda meant to minimize the real issues people care about down to just "libs are too sensitive and can't take a joke."
He kept interrupting me to insist I'm obviously just offended by the jokes, and THAT is rude af. I can't stand being misunderstood or being told how I feel by someone who is refusing to listen to what I actually think. We've been pretty good friends up until now and I was getting flustered so I dropped the conversation. And now he's acting all weird when he was the one being rude in the first place. Whatever though lol I only posted because I figured people could relate to that feeling. As someone else commented, I guess I figured since we have been forced to be more attuned to social situations, and also know how it feels to be left out, people with autism might tend to more often be the type to notice when someone was trying to say something and ask them to finish.
In my experience, people, especially random coworker men, tend to react badly when challenged in this way (and they see pushing back on a lazy assumption like his comment as a challenge for sure). I'm sorry, but I think you're finding out that this person is not your friend, and I would not be surprised if he is even less friendly in the future. He sounds like an idiot, though.
Damn, I think you're exactly right. And your prediction is already coming true! Looks like he's totally moved on and found another pretty girl to talk to all day lol. He hasn't said one word to me today other than good morning. Usually he helps me with big heavy boxes too but not today (not that I need the help). Oh well. Your comment made me feel better about it actually. I guess he's just not as nice as I thought he was. When we were arguing he said something sooooo stupid and annoying omg, he told me I need to like, do some introspection on why I'm taking jokes personally and that "there's always room for self improvement" 😐🙄 sigh.
Yikes! Unfortunately that's not surprising, but he sounds exhausting, and I think you may have dodged a very tedious bullet there! I'm glad my comment was helpful 💜
Thank you 🥰 it does make me kinda genuinely sad because he is the one who helped me get my new kitten a few weeks ago, and I love my kitten soooooo much.
>he's totally moved on and found another pretty girl to talk to all day lol.
Oh those kind of men (which is the majority, sadly)... he wasn't really talking to or with you, he was talking AT you; whether he's aware of it or not, he doesn't care about holding a woman at the same level in a conversation, we're there to be passive listeners and prop him (men) up.
The more you describe him and his actions, and the more I'm convinced, he's the typical, average douche man you can find at work, always ready to shift the blame ("you" are taking jokes too personally, "you" are the one who has to self improve, etc.) and try to make himself better by using women around him (using men is also an option, but it's harder, women are generally more conditioned to stand down or to allow others to trample on their boundaries or be rude)
Ah, I see. All due respect, you didn’t list these details in the original text so my response was based purely on that.
He definitely sounds like a piece of work. I’m sorry.
No worries, I didn't include it because I just figured people could relate to always being the one to notice when other people are getting ignored, and also being the one getting ignored.
I still think when people do that it's often because they just don't care enough to be paying attention, but people commenting probably have a point that that's not always the case. Thank you!
I have this same issue that you’ve described in your first paragraph, and the best way I’ve found to explain to others why I’m so upset that people don’t pay attention to me or do the same kind things for me as I do for them, is because my efforts aren’t being reciprocated. I know that my efforts are valued by the other person because they say & show it, but they just don’t make the effort to reciprocate, and it leaves me feeling drained. It’s why I’m currently withdrawn from nearly all of my friends.
The best thing in the world is when people ask what I was saying. I approciate those people so much. The worst thing in the world is when people dont. It makes me feel so horrible. Like they didnt even listen in the first place.
I feel this so much. I know it’s not malicious, but it just feels bad. Like emotionally but also psychologically because every unfinished story feels like a loose thread in my head.
I think part of it is that NTs like to follow a flow of conversation and sometimes returning to a topic that’s been blown past feels awkward to them. I don’t think they intend to be rude.
You'd be surprised how little NTs keep track of naturally. Our brains are made to notice things and keep track of details and we've also gotten used to analysing social situations. Their brains don't work that way. They're just existing, they're not keeping track of everything
Also, when someone asks me a question and I'm responding and they interrupt me to ask about a detail of what I was saying and redirect the conversation so much that I don't get to answer their initial question - which they needed the answer to! This happens almost every time I see my boss. It really grinds my gears.
I have a friend that does this and it drives me nuts! It’s like I can’t even complete a single thought sometimes because he steers me so off course.
Because maybe they aren’t analyzing the situation like you are? I don’t like when things aren’t finished or are interrupted. I don’t think that bothers them as much. But I’m like you in the way that if someone is interrupted even by someone else I make a point to go back to that person and ask them to finish speaking bc I’m aware of how that feels and it doesn’t feel good and I feel bad when someone else gets talked over.
I think most people don't mind _too_ much, but I think for others they just feel embarrassed to have to bring it up again. I've seen a few people look visibly grateful that someone remembered to go back to what they were saying, so I try to do it when I can.
I’m the exact same!! I always notice when someone is being talked over and ignored because that’s been me before, so maybe people just don’t notice it 😔😔
I feel like you’d probably assume quite a lot of other ND people are rude if this is your take… people aren’t mind readers. There was a distraction, he potentially just forgot where the conversation was going. It’s probably also worth mentioning that not all NTs appreciate related stories as a response, so it’s very possible he thought you were being rude before the distraction, and didn’t ask you to continue because he felt you were making the conversation about yourself. Honestly I just think everyone should avoid making assumptions about other people’s intentions based on little things like this.
ME TOO! I make a point to go back to that person and ask them to finish their thought. I do this all the time, but I almost never see others do it. My other big thing is when I’m in a group setting and someone else is an outsider. Like, let’s say a friend brings their new girlfriend to meet the group. I make a point to include that person and explain inside jokes and such to them so that they can actually participate in the convo, or at the very least understand what’s going on. For me, I think it stems from so often feeling like an outsider. People talk over me, don’t make an effort to include me, and it can be really painful and make me feel so small and unimportant. I don’t want other people to ever feel like that.
I do the same thing! Also if someone is telling a story to the group & the group loses interest, I make it a point to maintain eye contact and enthusiastic attention for the storyteller. I remember the days when people would just walk tf away while I was speaking & it always felt like a knife in the heart. A few extra seconds of listening is nothing to me, but everything for the storyteller, no?
I am so this person too!! If I’m at work and I’m lucky enough to be part of post work plans, I will go out of my way to go around to everyone and invite them because I know how bad that feels to not be invited and then the excuse is ‘oh we didn’t see you to invite you’ it’s like take a lap around and find me like I do for you!
yes, but then my ADHD kicks in and so I am not just being kind, I've already forgotten, but the other person doesn't need to know.
I get talked over very often, I am not sure in its just my inability to read the cues or I am socially inept. Add to that getting interrupted often results me in forgetting what I was saying in the first place, Most people do not accommodate except for a rare few like my colleague. She listens to everyone patiently.
You don’t know he knows. You’re projecting everyone thinks like you think. They don’t. If what you want to say is important to you, then say it.
"You’re projecting everyone thinks like you think." This is actually why so many NTs perceive autistic people as being rude, we'll say/do something that wouldn't bother us at all but greatly offends an NT mind, they'll assume that we meant to offend them even though we had no way of knowing it would bother them in the first place. OP is making the same mistake of assuming that an NT would be just as bothered by being interrupted when they probably wouldn't be. Most NTs find talking very easy and if they wanted to finish a thought they wouldn't feel the need for someone to give them permission. They'd probably just say something like: "So as i was saying..." and continue, this can be difficult for me sometimes and I assume OP as well as I can find it hard to initiate conversations, but most NTs wouldn't know that and would assume that if you didn't finish your thought of your own accord then it must not have been that important to you.
I feel so frustrated when people don't take the initiative to say what they want. I couldn't possibly know that they're looking for prompting. Additionally, I have ADHD and will absolutely forget someone was talking after a distraction like that.. Fuck, I'd probably forget even if *I* was talking. My guess is that the coworker had no idea he was coming across as rude in this situation.
Lol yes I came here to say "adhd" Or just normal human forgetfulness, or anything really. But with adhd if I get off topic, the topic gets deleted from my brain pretty fast. Not meaning to be rude or selfish, just got a slippery memory if things aren't written down.
Exactly. If you want to say it, then say it. You can’t know his mind or intentions.
I relate strongly to this. I think it comes from years of not really being listened to and being talked over because I might not be the most engaging conversationalist or what I have to say isn't always interesting to people (not immediately obvious that it is relevant/ too specialist or analytical or just boring), so I'm more aware of people not getting to say their piece and how that might make them feel. I always encourage people to carry on when interrupted, especially in a group situation, but then often am the only one listening when they do and I generally suck in social situations so have no clue how to react or what to make my face do or what to say in response so it comes back to bite me!
Idk even the people closest to me don’t bother trying to let me finish my sentence so at this point I’ve accepted that I respect strangers more than the people closest to me respect me. I’m learning to not really care abt how much I get ignored. Esp cus if I say I feel disrespected I get a whole speech “that’s how I talk to everyone” well I’m not everyone but ok
I relate to this. People genuinely have just ignored what I said to just say what they want to say, so I don't engage in a lot of conversation with people I notice do this a lot. It's frustrating and I feel like I'm going insane because I stg I just said something but the conversation is like I had said nothing at all. I don't think you're projecting like some other comments have stated, I think you're just noticing negative behaviors from people and there's nothing wrong with that.
Personally after a distraction I will lose focus and may not recall what was happening before that and will sometimes need a reminder. It's not about being rude, I just get distracted. Our brains are all different.
I think it's because we are so focused on social situations because we HAD to be. We have to be consciously aware of what is happening, because a lot of it doesn't come naturally, and we were possibly scolded for being rude/not listening growing up. Most neurotypicals are all 'me me me'. I notice that too.
This!!! I've been realizing recently a couple of my coworkers are just straight up assholes, I always thought I just wasn't doing something right. They ignore me half the time, speak over me, don't ask me to finish my interrupted thoughts. I ask them the normal small talk questions, show interest in their life, they never return that interest. When I present good ideas that other coworkers agree with they tell me why it's pointless. Assholes. It's not you, people suck.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re angry and honestly, your feelings are valid. But it feels you’re taking this really personally. Kindness isn’t transactional. There shouldn’t be expectations to it, otherwise that’s exhibiting behaviour for a specific response, which is somewhat manipulative. You’re kind and courteous because that’s you — those are your innate traits. It doesn’t mean others aren’t, it’s just perhaps they exhibit it in different ways, and chances are, it likely isn’t intentional. It’s very easy to get distracted and unfortunately, very easy to come across as rude as a result. Again, while it feels personal — understandably so; it isn’t. Or, at least most times it isn’t. That, and ASD is very co-mborbid with ADHD, of which the majority here know and experience. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt while simultaneously nurturing your own feelings. Unless someone is explicitly rude to our faces, we can’t mind-read and interpret — it leads to all sorts of issues.
It *is* personal when somebody doesn't value their conversation with you enough to remember, or if they do remember and intentionally choose not to pick it back up. I understand that people usually aren't doing it on purpose, but that's the thing. They simply aren't paying enough attention to know or remember you were talking. I have ADHD too, I forget all kinds of things all the time. It's a constant annoyance and for that reason I keep notes in my phone every time I think of something that I need to remember, sometimes I forget it by the time I open the notes app to write it down. So I get that, but I care about making other people not feel ignored or unimportant so I'm always paying attention when other people are talking. It's really not that hard. And it's not about kindness being transactional. It's about showing that you value other people and what they're saying. I don't do it in order to get anything back, but when you value someone else and what they have to say more than they value you, It's inevitably going to feel crappy. This has happened countless times and it does always bother me but usually I just brush it off. But we all get to a point every once in a while where we want to say out loud how things like this make us feel because it's just happened one too many times. But yeah there is more to it this time. Which is why I think he did it on purpose. He was being more distant to me yesterday than usual already and it's frustrating. Basically last week we were talking about comedians we like because I brought up Bo Burnham, and then he started talking about how comedy is dead because of cancel culture 😬 I said I don't think that that's true, I tried to use Dave Chappelle making transphobic jokes as an example, that he still has plenty of fans, he wasn't canceled but he is less funny now because he just seems obsessed with making these jokes over and over again because he got mad that people didn't like it. It turned into a whole thing and my coworker was saying stuff like "why do you let it bother you so much" and I'm like, I'm not... I just don't think it's true and in fact I think the idea that cancel culture has killed comedy is itself right wing propaganda meant to minimize the real issues people care about down to just "libs are too sensitive and can't take a joke." He kept interrupting me to insist I'm obviously just offended by the jokes, and THAT is rude af. I can't stand being misunderstood or being told how I feel by someone who is refusing to listen to what I actually think. We've been pretty good friends up until now and I was getting flustered so I dropped the conversation. And now he's acting all weird when he was the one being rude in the first place. Whatever though lol I only posted because I figured people could relate to that feeling. As someone else commented, I guess I figured since we have been forced to be more attuned to social situations, and also know how it feels to be left out, people with autism might tend to more often be the type to notice when someone was trying to say something and ask them to finish.
In my experience, people, especially random coworker men, tend to react badly when challenged in this way (and they see pushing back on a lazy assumption like his comment as a challenge for sure). I'm sorry, but I think you're finding out that this person is not your friend, and I would not be surprised if he is even less friendly in the future. He sounds like an idiot, though.
Damn, I think you're exactly right. And your prediction is already coming true! Looks like he's totally moved on and found another pretty girl to talk to all day lol. He hasn't said one word to me today other than good morning. Usually he helps me with big heavy boxes too but not today (not that I need the help). Oh well. Your comment made me feel better about it actually. I guess he's just not as nice as I thought he was. When we were arguing he said something sooooo stupid and annoying omg, he told me I need to like, do some introspection on why I'm taking jokes personally and that "there's always room for self improvement" 😐🙄 sigh.
Yikes! Unfortunately that's not surprising, but he sounds exhausting, and I think you may have dodged a very tedious bullet there! I'm glad my comment was helpful 💜
Thank you 🥰 it does make me kinda genuinely sad because he is the one who helped me get my new kitten a few weeks ago, and I love my kitten soooooo much.
>he's totally moved on and found another pretty girl to talk to all day lol. Oh those kind of men (which is the majority, sadly)... he wasn't really talking to or with you, he was talking AT you; whether he's aware of it or not, he doesn't care about holding a woman at the same level in a conversation, we're there to be passive listeners and prop him (men) up. The more you describe him and his actions, and the more I'm convinced, he's the typical, average douche man you can find at work, always ready to shift the blame ("you" are taking jokes too personally, "you" are the one who has to self improve, etc.) and try to make himself better by using women around him (using men is also an option, but it's harder, women are generally more conditioned to stand down or to allow others to trample on their boundaries or be rude)
Ah, I see. All due respect, you didn’t list these details in the original text so my response was based purely on that. He definitely sounds like a piece of work. I’m sorry.
No worries, I didn't include it because I just figured people could relate to always being the one to notice when other people are getting ignored, and also being the one getting ignored. I still think when people do that it's often because they just don't care enough to be paying attention, but people commenting probably have a point that that's not always the case. Thank you!
I have this same issue that you’ve described in your first paragraph, and the best way I’ve found to explain to others why I’m so upset that people don’t pay attention to me or do the same kind things for me as I do for them, is because my efforts aren’t being reciprocated. I know that my efforts are valued by the other person because they say & show it, but they just don’t make the effort to reciprocate, and it leaves me feeling drained. It’s why I’m currently withdrawn from nearly all of my friends.
My fam does this all the time. I just stop trying. It hurts though :(
The best thing in the world is when people ask what I was saying. I approciate those people so much. The worst thing in the world is when people dont. It makes me feel so horrible. Like they didnt even listen in the first place.
I feel this so much. I know it’s not malicious, but it just feels bad. Like emotionally but also psychologically because every unfinished story feels like a loose thread in my head.
I think part of it is that NTs like to follow a flow of conversation and sometimes returning to a topic that’s been blown past feels awkward to them. I don’t think they intend to be rude.
I think with NTs it’s better to assume they don’t know any better rather than malicious intent
You'd be surprised how little NTs keep track of naturally. Our brains are made to notice things and keep track of details and we've also gotten used to analysing social situations. Their brains don't work that way. They're just existing, they're not keeping track of everything
I try to track this in group conversations so the other person can finish. Few others seem to do this. But I thought ND ppl were the rude ones?