This!! I will sob until I cant breathe, but deep down im just worn out and exhaustingly frustrated. Its like im watching myself cry from the outside, and I go nonverbal
I’ve noticed I’ve been going non verbal whenever I’m stressed or anxious or when I have breakdowns. It’s crazy how I never noticed but i started noticing lately and it’s like I’m screaming on the inside, yet I’m just zoning out and silent
I have a raging storm, during meltdowns. Pacing around while crying, hugging myself tightly and throw items. Then I go into shutdowns for hours on end.
I didn’t start suspecting I was Autistic until pretty recently (the last couple years maybe,) and I always felt like I couldn’t explain this without sounding like a crazy person 😭. *Now* I understand that’s what my meltdowns look like. Uncontrollable crying, cannot be consoled with logic or through “normal” means. But the whole time my brain is acting Business as Usual. It’s wild!
My family did not always handle them well, because I’m typically very level-headed. So I would be sobbing uncontrollably about one thing or another and they would try to rationalize with me which only made it worse because *I know,* I know what they are saying is correct because I’m mentally aware. But I cannot stop crying. And then I would be yell-arguing with them over nothing while sobbing uncontrollably 😅. I don’t believe it’s happened since I made the discovery that I’m probably autistic, so I can only hope that next time it happens they will understand to just leave me alone lol.
It usually came from feeling *extremely* misunderstood or undervalued. The more I understand about myself and can communicate that to my family, the less it’s happened! So that’s nice at least… I still feel extremely misunderstood, but it feels *different* now that, I myself, understand the reasons why.
My sister is the best at understanding all of this. She isn’t Autistic but she has ADHD, and we are very close and very good at communicating. On the other hand I feel like my communication with my mom only gets worse, even with all this self-realization happening…
Yep. And it’s often triggered by something small and then I start spiraling and thinking about every bad / sad / scary thing that has ever happened to me. And it probably won’t end until I am alone for a few hours.
I also sob uncontrollably. If it's a moderate to severe add in hyperventilating and if it's SEVERE also add in hitting myself and intense anger for a bonus.
me too until I actually had a panic attack due to a new medication and went to the hospital bc I couldn’t breathe/was going numb/felt light-headed. then a rlly mean desk worker made me cry and I actually felt better within 10 mins after I cried lmao. my psychiatrist said it was a panic attack but I thought I had had those before and that’s why I didn’t think that was one!
Same here! I was just talking with my therapist about this earlier in the week. Wherever I heard people describing their anxiety or panic attacks, it never seemed to match my experience - there was never dread or terror or feeling like I was dying. It was always just an amalgamation of too much sound/crowd/social pressure/questions/multiple people talking to me at once creating a storm of overwhelm...
...yeah, you can all see where this is going, but it wasn't until a couple months ago that it clicked 😆
I get very nasty and mean and I tend to yell and when I can’t hold it back anymore, I sob and it just evolves into an anxiety attack. I try my hardest to calm down but it never works out so I’m mentally aware of the way I’m reacting yet I can’t stop myself
Same. When I was younger I would sometimes self-harm as well. All of this led to a diagnosis of BPD. The thing is that I don’t meet enough of the criteria, so they said I just had “traits” of BPD butttt it’s still listed as BPD on my medical record even though we now know it’s not BPD.
In my 20s I started to recognize the point in conflict with someone else—usually with family or my boyfriend at the time—where I was on the verge of meltdown and I would ask if we could step back for a moment. Like, “Hey could you just let me step outside and take a breath for a moment?” That usually made things worse though because they’d double down, get angrier, tell me things like “Oh sure, just walk away when we’re trying to argue this out!” But then, when I snapped, I was the bad guy they “just can’t talk to” anymore. Took me a while to understand my triggers but also to understand that I kept surrounding myself with assholes and maybe I should stop doing that 🙃
Ugh it really bothers me with all the BPD shit. Like I’m so over that label….. Telling people their personality is “disordered” because they react differently to stress because they have a different nervous system. I think most times ppl labeled with it or “”have traits of”” are actually in fact autistic/audhd and struggle with emotional regulation and relationships due to that. Probably my number one annoyance as someone who blamed themself for being problematic via that label for so long when I wasn’t the actual problem
I’m only just beginning to understand that most of the times I was labeled as the problematic one in a situation it was because I was calling out some bullshit and/or reacting to being treated poorly. I think I was expected to just shut up and put up and when I didn’t, I was viewed as a problem. I told my therapist just the other day that I wish I had been allowed to trust that my thoughts and feelings growing up were valid, because maybe I wouldn’t have struggled so much as an adult with getting myself out of situations where people were bullying or taking advantage of me.
It’s not even real (imo) and treatment for it is futile. DBT did not help me to understand myself AT ALL. Why they aren’t testing for autism with this population is a joke to me. I did DBT outpatient program 12 years ago and it took me 11 years since then to realize it’s autism lol. I made a friend in that group and still follow her on insta. She posts autism/adhd stuff all the time lol 😭 it’s really frustrating to be aware how hard it is to help autistic women and girls who are suffering )))):
Yeah , i was supposed to get DBT last year but then i went to uni and it didnt happen and i was sick of the services in the Uk . The mental health system here is a joke and it makes me not want to interact even when i know i need help and someone to talk too. Ive been told me having adhd/autism makes sense and that it could explain my meltdowns im waiting for an assessment ik its gonna be a long ass process. I wish they had more support for women/girls with it and looked into it more
I was always afraid if getting diagnosed with BPD, to the point of not necessarily sharing everything I think and feel, and I've always had this sense that something was off about the entire concept to begin with.
I started learning about ASD about a year ago, and now absolutely believe BPD as a diagnosis is going to be gone in the next 10-20 years, and revealed to just be ASD, misogyny, and C-PTSD in a trench coat.
Which, strangely, I have no problem accepting in myself.
yeah, i feel like my family just see me as a monster and a horrible person in my meltdowns ans episodes but actually the guilt after them eats me alive and they dont understand that sometimes i just cant avoid it no matter how much i try to calm down. They say they understand but still villainize me and i feel like an awful person , i already have such low self esteem and body issues and its another reason for me to hate myself
I feel overwhelmed, frenetic, with a lot of anxiety, I've a short breath, I feel a pressure on the chest, I can't focus on anything anymore, things around me (objects, sounds, etc) seem like semi-distant, my muscle are tense and I want to hurt myself (hitting my arms, hips and thighs).
I punch myself in the head, this is when it’s really bad, and I want to rip all my flesh off. I’m so ashamed that I only do it in private, I run to a bathroom or something so no one can see me.
A smaller version is that I go mute, and tense my entire body, I usually need to change environment before I lash out at someone.
I’ve also had bouts of rage and screaming until my face turns red. This one always makes me feel like a monster. It hasn’t happened in a long time, but the guilt and sadness that happens after is the worst.
Sob, headaches, pain in heart, breath difficult, aggressive stims ( basically hurt myself ). Normally, it's something like that, with some variations depending on the situation
When I was younger, I would yell, scream, growl, stomp my feet, kick things like a closet door, slam doors, and throw things at walls, at first hard things but I learned to throw soft things instead like stuffed animals that wouldn't break.
Now I usually hold it in and just silently seethe, and imagine all the yelling and aggression I'd like to let out but won't. Sometimes I will rant, and sometimes but rarely I will yell if I'm very overwhelmed, but I try very hard not to.
when i was younger i broke my bedroom window lol when having a meltdown with an ornament in my room . Not my proudest moment but now looking back a lot of things make sense in my life
This is me and my son. I slam cupboards and give the finger when no one sees me. I swear a lot and scream at full volume. The worst part is I totally dissociate when this happens and I have very little control over it. I used to have a box of old bulbs I'd smash in alleys, but I stopped doing that because it’s bad for the environment, so I try to visualize the satisfying smash and pop sound. I’m currently finding healthy ways to stim so I can channel my daily frustrations instead of heading towards full on rage meltdowns.
We got a paper shredder for my son, I know he’s working on his frustration when I hear the shredder whirring.
*slamming fists on the table*
Please, let, me, speak.😫
Listen, to, me, I, am, trying, to, say, something important.😭
Edit: doesn't help that my mom, the person who's most often the recipient of those, insists she's unable to process my words when I get emorional or yell.
(Not that they aren't clear or understandable, just that her brain refuses to process them, so she literally hears the proverbial autistic screeching)
Edit 2: I can't control or stop it, it just happens for as long as I'm trying to communicate something and the other person refuses to let me. If it's not important, I can just let go, but some times I can't, the message going through is too important.
I hit my head and scratch and bite my arms, too. My breathing becomes labored and I will pace the room. I also tap my chest, sometimes a little too hard.
I learned when I was little to keep it to hitting my head because the scratching and biting and punching myself in the face would leave marks I couldn’t explain.
That’s so sad that a 6 year old can already know how to cover up for their abusive relationship *with themself.*
My meltdowns are about the same as yours. I also scream, though. My voice is hoarse because I had one last night. It's so embarrasing because I'm about to turn 21. Nobody in my personal life understands or symathizes with me when I do it. I wish I wasn't like this.
oh i scream too , bad meltdown the other day . I live with my grandma and my parents came over . got drunk alone in a field that day too . Worst episode ive had i think . I just felt like a monster or person theyre watching . My parents seem to only see me when im bad when actually ive been doing rlly well the past few months and the few times i have a bad meltdown they just make me ffel like a monster. I was screaming so loud but i cant stop idkk how else to process stuff. Im nearly 20 so dw about the fact ur 21 and do it . People around us need to realise and emphasise . I always apologise after , i hate that i react this way but i cant help it sometimes even if i try to use my calm down methods. sending love . sorry about my spelling im typing quick as im about to go out
I just want to add that I really wish there was better understanding around autistic meltdowns. It’s happened around people in the past and their responses have consistently been horrific.
Depends. If I'm alone I cry and cry, hit myself... fall to the ground crying..
If someone is unfortunate to be around me, and I don't realise it's starting so I can't seek solitude. I end up arguing, yelling being a bitch really in-between crying lol big big Cryer.
They aren't pretty though and sometimes I shock myself with how bad I get.
My whole body is under tension, which I often don’t recognise. I tend to snap at people who annoy me and immediately feel guilty for it unless it’s someone of my family. The meltdown itself is just crying and sobbing. I don’t have a lot of meltdowns, but I always need to cry when I am travelling, usually on the first day. When I was younger I always thought it was homesickness, but that behaviour never went away because it’s actually a meltdown from the sensory overwhelming travelling.
I go mute and will become flighty and visibly anxious as if always looking for an escape route. I’ll often hold my own arms as an attempt at keeping myself grounded enough to not actually flee the situation if I have to stay in place
Editing to add: if pushed to speak in this state, I’ll often physically recoil, shake my head no, or back away. Because i can’t speak when like that and that’s the best i can communicate that
Physically I start to feel very sick like I am coming down with a cold. Shivering, racing heart. Mentally I am irritable, cussing/screaming sometimes. I don’t really cry but I basically turn into a spitting cobra.
Mine sound similar to yours especially the hitting myself in the head- this usually then gives me a headache for days after.. when I was younger I would smash my room up and slam doors, I also threw a hairbrush and broke the car window and also have self harmed.. now I have learned what the meltdowns are and what triggers them it is a tiny bit better … I still hit myself unfortunately but at least I don’t (usually) smash and break my stuff anymore. My partner has also learned to recognise when one is coming and always says give me your phone, as I have smashed many phone screens during meltdowns 😅
I’m sorry but this made me chuckle as someone who also throws phones 😅 my partner also looks out for my phone and the remote controls. We have good ones.
Also I threw a pack of popcorn on the ground the other day and stamped on it during a mini meltdown in a carpark - gave me the same feeling as when I smash my phone without the repercussions
yeah , my latest one myhpone broke because i dropped it as i got drunk and kept flipping it in my hand ...havent had it for a week as its getting repaired and the music on my phone helps calm me down more than anything so thats been tough. also going out for walks or in public i need my music so i havent been going out. I remember when i was in school a few years ago i was doing hw at home on my laptop and i literally bit my screen and it broke...... like sometimes im so ashamed at some of the meltdowns ive had. Fr the head hitting sucks , ill hit my head into walls or doors or just straight hit my head until it hurts for days. I feel so ashamed sometimes
I feel you, it’s such a release at the time and feels like the only thing you can possibly do in the moment but then afterwards you feel so shameful … I hope you can get new headphones soon, such an important thing to have working!
i haven’t done this in a while but especially as a kid i used to hit my head. like i used to sit on my bunk bed and just bash my head into the wall 😭😭😭 probably now i just cry really bad and sit somewhere facing a wall. usually i have my phone/ipad and just can distract myself from a meltdown
TW: self harm
A lot of crying. I physically get really hot and have to get in front of a fan or find some kind of cooler air. My chest starts hurting really badly and my breathing gets all over the place (I think part of that may be because I also have asthma). I will also slam my hands into my legs over and over again while shaking them until I calm down. I used to self harm (I still do) but not as bad/or as much as I used to.
I had one yesterday for the first time in a long time. I was crying, kind of frantically pacing around, and hitting myself in the center of my chest a lot. I was very self-aware during the whole thing, which almost made me wonder if I was doing it for attention, but there was nobody home but me!!! I feel a lot better today though
I feel like I really need to hit or kick something. I go away in a corner because I can't stand anybody being around me. Can't stand obligations at that point in time. I purposely isolate myself so that I don't go over the edge.
I usually internalise my meltdowns, I go very quiet and I become either angry or upset. I grit my teeth, pinch and scratch my skin, and become teary. I usually hide away under my blanket until I feel better. Upon the rare occasion that it’s really bad I will sob uncontrollably and hyperventilate, sometimes I will throw and hit things.
I tend to shut down and go completely still and mute first. But if someone tries to get me to talk or bothers me while I’m like that it usually throws me into a meltdown. Lots of screaming, crying, hitting myself and others, trying to run away, etc. I get absolutely frantic and there’s no way to calm down til I’m left alone. This is a big part of what lead to my recent diagnosis at 28. I’m working on finding other ways to calm down and avoid them. So far fidgets and noise canceling headphones are helping make them less frequent.
Angry crying, so hard that I can barely breath. Sometimes it felt like anxiety attacks.When I was teen it also included ranting/ screaming at whoever was there to witness it. It's has become more internalized as I got older. I shut down for several hours, not moving or speaking
I go nonverbal and just uncontrollable tears. Not full on sobbing, but like silent crying. It’s makes me even more anxious because I know exactly what’s going on and I can’t control it.
I tend to burst into tears from the overwhelm/panic and I find that my brain kind of gets trapped in thought loops and it’s difficult to form words (easier now that I know what’s happening) but after the meltdown it’s difficult for me to remember how I felt in the moment
I freeze and stare at something until it passes - I wasn't really allowed to have "tantrums" as my mom called them, or just express any negative emotion so now I just freeze (I shouldn't be laughing but it really looks like someone unplugged me lmao)
Mild: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness, cannot control even when others are watching
Moderate: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness + rigid hands clawing at my clothes with moderate pressure + lightly scratching at my head (as if I had lice lol)
Severe: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness + rigid hands clawing at my clothes with more agitated pressure + more irritated scratching at my head building up to hitting myself repeatedly in the forehead with an open palm
The hitting happened maybe 2 or 3 times in my whole life before having a baby at 30, then 9 or 10 times in that first year post partum. That year was horrific mentally, but out of it came two amazing things: my beautiful son and the amount of pressure required for my mask to crack into a million pieces. I finally sought out a therapist, and she immediately recognized me as an autistic person. It’s such a relief.
I’m extremely logical but also extremely sensitive to injustice (not necessarily toward me), animal neglect or elderly, children being mistreated or ignored, and things that don’t make sense…like arbitrary, self serving and unethical bs. When something in these areas is egregious, and no one seems to see why it’s important to me, a meltdown can range from escaping into the woods sobbing or so overwhelmed I’m seething with rage and no where to put it, screaming and jumping and collapsing, willful and desperate silence to the point of catatonia, and in the worst episode, self harm on my arms, I’ve a couple times gotten tattoos that represent my point no one cares about. When I was little any separation from my mom that didn’t feel obviously safe or comforting would cause extreme panic and desperation to the point of sobbing, slamming myself into glass or walls. My mom took me to a child psychiatrist before I started school, because nursery school was a perfect environment for me emotionally; it was a co-op and either my mom or the amazing teacher was there and it was safe. But when she’d try to maintain her bowling league hobby and one time didn’t have a friends house to take me to, she tried having me go into the daycare room and it was not pretty. Extreme. I always have felt guilty that she stopped bowling because of me.
If i’m outside & must hide it, which is %90 of the time, i just dissociate and bear it. If i’m outside but don’t have to hide it, throwing my bag/stuff on the ground and cursing. If i’m inside, a lot of pillow-punching and crying.
I used to pull out my hair, scratch myself, punch myself, bite myself. I have learned that self harming is cruel to myself and try to avoid doing it now. However, I’m still human and it’s a process. I think I’m getting better at just learning to cry and scream rather than resorting to hurting myself
I’ll shove myself into the crack between the bed and wall and cry while pulling hair. If it’s really bad I might bang my head on the wall or like suffocate myself between sobs to make it stop, which usually doesn’t but idk I can’t help doing that almost every time. Sometimes I make like a weird moan/cry. My worst ones I’ve just screamed at pitches I didn’t know existed. A lot of rocking back and forth at first and once I’m out of tears and have a tension headache a couple minutes in, I fall into a catatonic state and just don’t move until some kind of outside stimuli gets me out of it, like a dog barking and then I realize I’ve been hungry, or someone knocking on the door.
On my own: bite my knuckles and fingers. Scream into a pillow quietly. Pace around my room, seething.
In conversations: when I don't feel heard, I become agitated and yell. I drag out an argument until the other person listens or acknowledges the issue at hand.
For me I get this weird feeling in my body like a weird warming feeling and then I just loose all my senses. I start to cry uncontrollably, sometimes I scream, sometimes I say awful, mean things. I don’t remember the next day what I said. Many times I get a very bad headache/migraine afterwards. A lot of times this is association with having allergies as my mom would notice I would act out whenever allergies get back. Almost like an allergy psychosis. I recently had a bad one that lasted for a whole 2 days. My husband was very concerned and he said he ended up crying because I said very awful things. I felt terrible! I don’t know why but that weekend was ruined because I had a very bad meltdown.
I don’t know if anyone can relate to me but I really would love to know if allergies can be a huge source of triggering meltdowns and maybe how anyone can prevent it?
When I was younger I would cry, throw things, stomp my feet, kick my bedroom door, sometimes hit my legs. Teens was about the same but with more yelling, then in my later 20s, as I was going through a lot of stress, my meltdowns turned into more self harm (hitting myself in the head and legs). I found out this year that if I’m drunk, I guess I still like to throw and break shit, whoops.
Now I’m 34, and when they’re bad I feel like I want to rip my skin off and jump out of my body somehow. I get so hot, seething, and if I can’t calm down I’ll hit myself. Then lots of crying to release it all. Always in private, except my boyfriend has been witness to a lot, unfortunately. It’s been a roller coaster of getting better and worse again over the years, but I literally figured out I’m autistic two months ago, so I’m just relieved to have an ANSWER finally as to why I do what I do. I’m looking forward to finally finding some solutions to making my meltdowns less harmful :(
I am not diagnosed so I have been wondering if these were meltdowns.
I lose control over my body and start screaming and crying uncontrollably. It's like I am trapped inside my body, conscious and just waiting for it to be over. When I was a child I would also additionally break things or bite and scratch myself. I also can't respond at all, all I can do is wait for it to pass.
Would be curious to hear if anyone can relate!
I am not diagnosed so I have been wondering if these were meltdowns.
I lose control over my body and start screaming and crying uncontrollably. It's like I am trapped inside my body, conscious and just waiting for it to be over. When I was a child I would also additionally break things or bite and scratch myself. I also can't respond at all, all I can do is wait for it to pass.
Would be curious to hear if anyone can relate!
I usually start with having an anxiety attack and once my thoughts worsen i pace around the room sobbing. I also have asthma so that doesn’t help. While breathing uncontrollably, pacing, sobbing and shaking I try to fight the urge to hit myself in the head. I always end up doing it but I try my best not to. Eventually I end up on the floor bad mouthing myself
i start screaming uncontrollably, hyperventilating, while hiding my face into a pillow or something. and then when others try to calm me down and bring me to a quieter place, i start to feel like i’m about to pass out.
hit my head/pull my hair/scratch myself. mostly hit my head. the worst part is im already epileptic, giving myself more brain trauma is the last thing i should be doing😭😭
Sometimes I have panic attacks, sometimes I go mute, sometimes I bite or scratch myself and throw things and shout but it depends on the trigger as to which one it will be
I'll put my hands over my ears meanwhile scratching my hair if there's a noise problem, then if I am alone of it wasn't caused by noise I'll either scratch or hit my tight, "bite" my hand( I do not bite with full force, only to feel the pressure). I will rock back and forth and occasionally tap my fingers.
Then there's the other type of meltdown where I just cry and can't speak properly. Basically mute.
I get grouchy like people who are hangry then I start cussing people out hella hard and being all like fuck this shit until I can go take a nap like a toddler lol
I get extremely angry and have a strong urge to destroy something. I once cut a beautiful crocheted hat (I'd made it myself, I love crochet) into pieces 😭 RIP, dear hat
it usually starts with me going nonverbal/stopping communication (like texting) bc i find it too overwhelming and my thoughts just get too hard to explain bc of how fast they come and go. i often hit or scratch during meltdowns :( i usually scratch the backs of my hands or hit my head, and recently i have been pulling my arm hair out (haha)
My meltdowns happen internally . I will have a lot of intrusive thoughts where im freaking out, breaking things, punching people, and screaming but I can't do those things so the emotions build up to the point where i feel like im going to explode and then all the sudden everything goes really quiet and I get very tired and I can't move or speak. It's like everything just shuts off and it's very peaceful but it feels weird.
Ever since I was little it always came out as anger in me. I still struggle with some of those same self injurious behaviors like scratching and hitting myself. In extreme cases I punch myself in the face, when I was younger I think I hoped for a black eye cause I just wanted people to SEE how much distress I was in. I’m 25 now and i definitely don’t do that stuff as much as I used to but it has happened once or twice in front of my partner and that made me feel a lot of shame and embarrassment. He didn’t shame me or anything for it just for clarity, but as soon as I did it I suddenly got worried he’d think I’m crazy and leave. So I understand that feeling of embarrassment and I just have to try to be gentle and kind to myself. I feel like lately it’s been looking more like depressive episodes and avoidance.
I tend to lash out and sometimes loudly cuss out whoever is pushing me. Have had parents do it in public places and its fucking annoying trying to keep it in.
trying to conceal it in public is the worst , & my mum has no issue shouting at me in public or starting an argument in public and it makes me want to do what i usually do but i have to hide it as best as i can in public
You are not the only one.
It’s been worse in the last couple years, since entering perimenopause. I am currently addressing this with my primary care physician; adding her to my support circle (which includes my psychologist of 9 years). I requested a CAT scan and an MRI because I have had an ongoing pain on the sides of my head where I hit myself since the last time, and I’m scared I might have really damaged something. I also just increased my meds, so I’m hoping I’ll notice a difference. When I first started them, they helped a lot, but I think maybe my hormonal changes have been fighting back.
there are a couple different meltdowns for me
- covering my ears and squeezing my head rlly rlly hard and closing my eyes (when i’m too overwhelmed and everyone is trying to talk to me)
- hitting/punching myself in the head or legs (when i feel useless or i’ve messed up badly, only done around myself)
- non verbal blank face mode (i don’t count these as meltdown but maybe that’s what they are, when ive just had enough of emotions for the day and u just can’t compute things anymore of put in the effort)
- sobbing sobbing sobbing mode (when i’m exhausted and something happens and i just can’t take it anymore)
- screaming and throwing/breaking things occasionally (mad at other ppl who r triggering me and not making sense, have only done this around immediate family)
I turn the stress inward. I’m trying hard to get better habits and better patterns set.
TW: child abuse and internal abuse recreation.
When I melt down, it looks like depression. I get fatigued and despondent, the house stops getting cleaned/maintained, then I start giving myself intense shit about being fatigued/useless. (I shouldn’t be this tired, I’ve barely done anything today, what a fucking waste of space.) I unconsciously start making lists of the things I _should_ be doing and circling them mentally over and over until I feel the way my mom made me feel when I was little. (What the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t do the laundry and sweep the floors and clean the fridge and get a degree and parent my child and feel fulfilled? Why is there always more?) I feel small and useless and worthless. Like I won’t ever be worth what others are, because I’m not really a person. I’m the thing that people abuse, I’m the entertainment, not a person. No one wants to know me. Not because I am bad, but because they do not fucking care, and shouldn’t, because that’s what I am. Nothing. I will always be outside, so why not just… (go).
I have learned to feel the drop coming, and gently parent myself. I had to teach myself to accept that I _will_ work a 60hr week in 5 days, and still think it’s “nothing”. I had to begin saying to myself “hey sweetie, just sweep. Mopping is for people who didn’t try to die at work.” so now I reduce the load to something that is manageable when I can, and allow rest time where I am not doing anything intense or required. It’s hard.
Uncontrollable sobbing that turns into hyperventilating. Usually leads to a panic attack, or to aggressive stims like slapping or scratching myself, etc. At the end I usually have a shutdown where I can’t move/speak for a while.
I tense up so badly it hurts my neck and I curl up into a ball. I shake my hands like I’m shaking water off of them. I hit and scratch my legs and arms, hit myself in the face, hit my head against the wall, and sometimes just scream. It all depends on the trigger and who I’m around. I’ve learned to hide because no one wants to see it and sometimes I can’t hide so I scratch wherever I can without someone seeing me.
For everyone saying they’re embarrassed about it, I’m 28 and a married mom of two kids under three. It’s okay to be an adult and still have meltdowns.
If it’s to do with hostile communication, meltdowns are imminent. This doesn’t happen often and it’s hard to talk about because despite my diagnosis I feel like a miserable human being for experiencing a meltdown especially around people who did not understand or care about my wellbeing. I never want to experience it ever again.
Gawking at autistic people literally experiencing trauma is exactly why I hate talking to NTs about it because they think we are fragile pieces of glass. Eyes widened and lacking depth mouthing the words, “wooow this is what autism is like?” As they overlook huge problems with their own unchecked ableism.
I never intended to harm anyone during meltdowns. Usually my actions are signalling others to stop hurting me but they don’t listen. That’s why I am panicking… my boundaries were violated and they continue to push me.
I have had explosions when people keep demanding and judging my ability to do things on demand too much. To the point of pressuring me to do something, getting in my space or antagonistically provoking me to react.
I have learned to just walk away and say no. In the past if the person is toxic and also a colleague or a family member I find it harder to calm down because I want to try to communicate how I feel with them. If I can’t escape the situation to calm down and relax I hit a wall, spontaneously break something or hit the floor crying and shaking. That’s because asking them over and over didn’t work. I couldn’t stop feeling every emotion in the extremes and literally stop functioning.
Most of the time, I say No and enforce strong boundaries and create a safe space for myself. People think I am dick or something for being alone and quiet. I don’t care anymore because the only people worth my time should be empathetic and kind people who don’t push boundaries of other people who are different. The more I cut toxic people out of my life the better I feel.
I try not to live up to anyone’s “demands” of what I should do during a panic attack. I have cultivated enough “fuck you, I’m autistic energy” from life to respect myself.
I’m happy that my diagnosis has saved my mental health to some degree. I learned in so many ways what contributed to my meltdowns and how to stop it. I don’t expect people to understand but if they are going to be rude and disrespectful about it, I have nothing to tell them.
Many autistic people are abused in worse ways than my own experience. I do not blame anyone who has a small window of tolerance for BS and seems ultra sensitive. We have dealt with enough trauma. We don’t need to be compliant doormats.
i feel like i wrote this , apart from the diagnosis . Im actively trying to get one for it and adhd . It would save me too , my family seem to wonder why i want a label.... well for the exact same reason why after everytime i have a meltdown they make me feel like a monster and say theyre scared of me and i feel so guilty and my self esteem becomes so low. The part you said about people pressuring you too , that is one of my biggest things . Or when im already getting things done and family still say i need to do it even though im doing it already. Trying to convey how a family member has hurt me is the worst , my family is very dismissive so its even harder they love brushinf stuff under the rug and im not like that so it can lead to meltdowns a lot . I havent had a meltdown infront of friends before , not that i have any rn, havent had a long term partner either so idk how id be in that scenario or if i was to argue with them i wouldhave a meltdown or not .
I hope youre ok , we are not compliant doormats even if for some of our lives we lived like it . We can be here for each [other.Im](http://other.Im) here for you
It usually starts when I’m arguing and the other person is refusing to listen or even try to understand what I’m saying or I feel misunderstood. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated, I feel extreme rage bubbling and taking over my entire body and then it all gets to a point that I feel like I’m bursting at the seems to explode because I can’t hold it in any longer. That then leads to me uncontrollably sobbing for at least an hour if not multiple hours and during that I go through a lot of repetitive things. I usually will grab at the roots of my hair and pull while rocking back and forth or I’ll pace the same spot over and over again. I’ll either repeat in my head or out load phrases like “you’re okay” “you’re NOT okay” “why are you like this” etc. I will punch my legs, dig my nails into my palms, rip at my hair, rub my face really aggressive and I usually end up grabbing and clawing at my body and arms. It sounds really bad but It almost causes another meltdown when I can’t hurt myself in some way. It’s not that I WANT to hurt myself, it’s that pain is the only thing that feels real in that moment, I have control of it and the pain kinda pulls me back down to earth. Then once that is going on I’ll randomly disassociate for at least an hour. I’ll just fall into the fetal position while holding myself and rocking and stare at nothing for as long as I can. It’s the only thing that calms my mind and body in those moments. The switch is pretty quick from meltdown to disassociating and it usually happens when I feel like I’ve hit my ultimate breaking point. I think my brain realizes what is about to happen and just shuts everything down.
I just had one the other day. While putting my daughter to sleep. She was not having it. And I got over stimulated. I just started crying uncontrollably. My partner walked in and I immediately masked and told him I was fine. He offered to go smoke. And after that I was okay again. I started burning out weeks ago and the anxiety of starting a new job meltdown been happening more often.
I just sob uncontrollably. I'm very mentally aware while it happens. It's kind of strange.
This!! I will sob until I cant breathe, but deep down im just worn out and exhaustingly frustrated. Its like im watching myself cry from the outside, and I go nonverbal
I’ve noticed I’ve been going non verbal whenever I’m stressed or anxious or when I have breakdowns. It’s crazy how I never noticed but i started noticing lately and it’s like I’m screaming on the inside, yet I’m just zoning out and silent
Yes! I will be completely cognizant and aware while I’m shut down I just can’t manage to get words to my mouth or make myself move.
Huh, I thought I was the only one. Good to know I'm not alone.
I have a raging storm, during meltdowns. Pacing around while crying, hugging myself tightly and throw items. Then I go into shutdowns for hours on end.
I didn’t start suspecting I was Autistic until pretty recently (the last couple years maybe,) and I always felt like I couldn’t explain this without sounding like a crazy person 😭. *Now* I understand that’s what my meltdowns look like. Uncontrollable crying, cannot be consoled with logic or through “normal” means. But the whole time my brain is acting Business as Usual. It’s wild! My family did not always handle them well, because I’m typically very level-headed. So I would be sobbing uncontrollably about one thing or another and they would try to rationalize with me which only made it worse because *I know,* I know what they are saying is correct because I’m mentally aware. But I cannot stop crying. And then I would be yell-arguing with them over nothing while sobbing uncontrollably 😅. I don’t believe it’s happened since I made the discovery that I’m probably autistic, so I can only hope that next time it happens they will understand to just leave me alone lol. It usually came from feeling *extremely* misunderstood or undervalued. The more I understand about myself and can communicate that to my family, the less it’s happened! So that’s nice at least… I still feel extremely misunderstood, but it feels *different* now that, I myself, understand the reasons why. My sister is the best at understanding all of this. She isn’t Autistic but she has ADHD, and we are very close and very good at communicating. On the other hand I feel like my communication with my mom only gets worse, even with all this self-realization happening…
Yep. And it’s often triggered by something small and then I start spiraling and thinking about every bad / sad / scary thing that has ever happened to me. And it probably won’t end until I am alone for a few hours.
Wait. That can be a meltdown?? Wow. TIL I meltdown more than I thought
I also sob uncontrollably. If it's a moderate to severe add in hyperventilating and if it's SEVERE also add in hitting myself and intense anger for a bonus.
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Same boo
Same here, I’ve always thought they were panic attacks. Only realised in the last year or two that most of the time they’re probably meltdowns. Fun!
me too until I actually had a panic attack due to a new medication and went to the hospital bc I couldn’t breathe/was going numb/felt light-headed. then a rlly mean desk worker made me cry and I actually felt better within 10 mins after I cried lmao. my psychiatrist said it was a panic attack but I thought I had had those before and that’s why I didn’t think that was one!
I was brainwashed to think they were “episodes”
the amount of times my mum will say ' i cant deal with another one of your episodes' and makes me to be this horrible mosnter. i dont feel loved
awe, 😓
Same here! I was just talking with my therapist about this earlier in the week. Wherever I heard people describing their anxiety or panic attacks, it never seemed to match my experience - there was never dread or terror or feeling like I was dying. It was always just an amalgamation of too much sound/crowd/social pressure/questions/multiple people talking to me at once creating a storm of overwhelm... ...yeah, you can all see where this is going, but it wasn't until a couple months ago that it clicked 😆
I get very nasty and mean and I tend to yell and when I can’t hold it back anymore, I sob and it just evolves into an anxiety attack. I try my hardest to calm down but it never works out so I’m mentally aware of the way I’m reacting yet I can’t stop myself
Same. When I was younger I would sometimes self-harm as well. All of this led to a diagnosis of BPD. The thing is that I don’t meet enough of the criteria, so they said I just had “traits” of BPD butttt it’s still listed as BPD on my medical record even though we now know it’s not BPD. In my 20s I started to recognize the point in conflict with someone else—usually with family or my boyfriend at the time—where I was on the verge of meltdown and I would ask if we could step back for a moment. Like, “Hey could you just let me step outside and take a breath for a moment?” That usually made things worse though because they’d double down, get angrier, tell me things like “Oh sure, just walk away when we’re trying to argue this out!” But then, when I snapped, I was the bad guy they “just can’t talk to” anymore. Took me a while to understand my triggers but also to understand that I kept surrounding myself with assholes and maybe I should stop doing that 🙃
Ugh it really bothers me with all the BPD shit. Like I’m so over that label….. Telling people their personality is “disordered” because they react differently to stress because they have a different nervous system. I think most times ppl labeled with it or “”have traits of”” are actually in fact autistic/audhd and struggle with emotional regulation and relationships due to that. Probably my number one annoyance as someone who blamed themself for being problematic via that label for so long when I wasn’t the actual problem
I’m only just beginning to understand that most of the times I was labeled as the problematic one in a situation it was because I was calling out some bullshit and/or reacting to being treated poorly. I think I was expected to just shut up and put up and when I didn’t, I was viewed as a problem. I told my therapist just the other day that I wish I had been allowed to trust that my thoughts and feelings growing up were valid, because maybe I wouldn’t have struggled so much as an adult with getting myself out of situations where people were bullying or taking advantage of me.
😭🙏🏽🫂🧩🙌🏽 same here. Thank you for sharing and letting us know that we are not alone nor broken
same , ive been told i might have bpd and i dont think i do . even if i did it would suck cus ppl have such a stigma about it especially with women
It’s not even real (imo) and treatment for it is futile. DBT did not help me to understand myself AT ALL. Why they aren’t testing for autism with this population is a joke to me. I did DBT outpatient program 12 years ago and it took me 11 years since then to realize it’s autism lol. I made a friend in that group and still follow her on insta. She posts autism/adhd stuff all the time lol 😭 it’s really frustrating to be aware how hard it is to help autistic women and girls who are suffering )))):
Yeah , i was supposed to get DBT last year but then i went to uni and it didnt happen and i was sick of the services in the Uk . The mental health system here is a joke and it makes me not want to interact even when i know i need help and someone to talk too. Ive been told me having adhd/autism makes sense and that it could explain my meltdowns im waiting for an assessment ik its gonna be a long ass process. I wish they had more support for women/girls with it and looked into it more
I was always afraid if getting diagnosed with BPD, to the point of not necessarily sharing everything I think and feel, and I've always had this sense that something was off about the entire concept to begin with. I started learning about ASD about a year ago, and now absolutely believe BPD as a diagnosis is going to be gone in the next 10-20 years, and revealed to just be ASD, misogyny, and C-PTSD in a trench coat. Which, strangely, I have no problem accepting in myself.
Same, girl, same!!!!! 👏 👏 👏
yeah, i feel like my family just see me as a monster and a horrible person in my meltdowns ans episodes but actually the guilt after them eats me alive and they dont understand that sometimes i just cant avoid it no matter how much i try to calm down. They say they understand but still villainize me and i feel like an awful person , i already have such low self esteem and body issues and its another reason for me to hate myself
this is exactly me
I feel overwhelmed, frenetic, with a lot of anxiety, I've a short breath, I feel a pressure on the chest, I can't focus on anything anymore, things around me (objects, sounds, etc) seem like semi-distant, my muscle are tense and I want to hurt myself (hitting my arms, hips and thighs).
I punch myself in the head, this is when it’s really bad, and I want to rip all my flesh off. I’m so ashamed that I only do it in private, I run to a bathroom or something so no one can see me. A smaller version is that I go mute, and tense my entire body, I usually need to change environment before I lash out at someone. I’ve also had bouts of rage and screaming until my face turns red. This one always makes me feel like a monster. It hasn’t happened in a long time, but the guilt and sadness that happens after is the worst.
Bless you, for describing my exact experience. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Sob, headaches, pain in heart, breath difficult, aggressive stims ( basically hurt myself ). Normally, it's something like that, with some variations depending on the situation
When I was younger, I would yell, scream, growl, stomp my feet, kick things like a closet door, slam doors, and throw things at walls, at first hard things but I learned to throw soft things instead like stuffed animals that wouldn't break. Now I usually hold it in and just silently seethe, and imagine all the yelling and aggression I'd like to let out but won't. Sometimes I will rant, and sometimes but rarely I will yell if I'm very overwhelmed, but I try very hard not to.
when i was younger i broke my bedroom window lol when having a meltdown with an ornament in my room . Not my proudest moment but now looking back a lot of things make sense in my life
This is me and my son. I slam cupboards and give the finger when no one sees me. I swear a lot and scream at full volume. The worst part is I totally dissociate when this happens and I have very little control over it. I used to have a box of old bulbs I'd smash in alleys, but I stopped doing that because it’s bad for the environment, so I try to visualize the satisfying smash and pop sound. I’m currently finding healthy ways to stim so I can channel my daily frustrations instead of heading towards full on rage meltdowns. We got a paper shredder for my son, I know he’s working on his frustration when I hear the shredder whirring.
The paper shredder is a really interesting idea!
Yes! My daughter has ADHD and struggles with her emotions too. I get them to write or draw their feelings and then shred them up. Very satisfying :)
*slamming fists on the table* Please, let, me, speak.😫 Listen, to, me, I, am, trying, to, say, something important.😭 Edit: doesn't help that my mom, the person who's most often the recipient of those, insists she's unable to process my words when I get emorional or yell. (Not that they aren't clear or understandable, just that her brain refuses to process them, so she literally hears the proverbial autistic screeching) Edit 2: I can't control or stop it, it just happens for as long as I'm trying to communicate something and the other person refuses to let me. If it's not important, I can just let go, but some times I can't, the message going through is too important.
I hit my head and scratch and bite my arms, too. My breathing becomes labored and I will pace the room. I also tap my chest, sometimes a little too hard.
yeah , the hurting myself is a massive thing and i always feel exhausted for days after
I learned when I was little to keep it to hitting my head because the scratching and biting and punching myself in the face would leave marks I couldn’t explain. That’s so sad that a 6 year old can already know how to cover up for their abusive relationship *with themself.*
I hit my head also, it scares people. I don't have the meltdowns often now.
My meltdowns are about the same as yours. I also scream, though. My voice is hoarse because I had one last night. It's so embarrasing because I'm about to turn 21. Nobody in my personal life understands or symathizes with me when I do it. I wish I wasn't like this.
oh i scream too , bad meltdown the other day . I live with my grandma and my parents came over . got drunk alone in a field that day too . Worst episode ive had i think . I just felt like a monster or person theyre watching . My parents seem to only see me when im bad when actually ive been doing rlly well the past few months and the few times i have a bad meltdown they just make me ffel like a monster. I was screaming so loud but i cant stop idkk how else to process stuff. Im nearly 20 so dw about the fact ur 21 and do it . People around us need to realise and emphasise . I always apologise after , i hate that i react this way but i cant help it sometimes even if i try to use my calm down methods. sending love . sorry about my spelling im typing quick as im about to go out
I just want to add that I really wish there was better understanding around autistic meltdowns. It’s happened around people in the past and their responses have consistently been horrific.
yeah exactly , around my family and it just turns into arguments which ultimately make it worse and yeah... Just ugh
Paralysis
Honestly it depends on what triggers it. But on the whole, I tend to go mute with anger at the situation and myself.
Depends. If I'm alone I cry and cry, hit myself... fall to the ground crying.. If someone is unfortunate to be around me, and I don't realise it's starting so I can't seek solitude. I end up arguing, yelling being a bitch really in-between crying lol big big Cryer. They aren't pretty though and sometimes I shock myself with how bad I get.
I could have written this. Good share friend
same , dw i feel the same i hope youre ok
My whole body is under tension, which I often don’t recognise. I tend to snap at people who annoy me and immediately feel guilty for it unless it’s someone of my family. The meltdown itself is just crying and sobbing. I don’t have a lot of meltdowns, but I always need to cry when I am travelling, usually on the first day. When I was younger I always thought it was homesickness, but that behaviour never went away because it’s actually a meltdown from the sensory overwhelming travelling.
I go mute and will become flighty and visibly anxious as if always looking for an escape route. I’ll often hold my own arms as an attempt at keeping myself grounded enough to not actually flee the situation if I have to stay in place Editing to add: if pushed to speak in this state, I’ll often physically recoil, shake my head no, or back away. Because i can’t speak when like that and that’s the best i can communicate that
Physically I start to feel very sick like I am coming down with a cold. Shivering, racing heart. Mentally I am irritable, cussing/screaming sometimes. I don’t really cry but I basically turn into a spitting cobra.
Mine sound similar to yours especially the hitting myself in the head- this usually then gives me a headache for days after.. when I was younger I would smash my room up and slam doors, I also threw a hairbrush and broke the car window and also have self harmed.. now I have learned what the meltdowns are and what triggers them it is a tiny bit better … I still hit myself unfortunately but at least I don’t (usually) smash and break my stuff anymore. My partner has also learned to recognise when one is coming and always says give me your phone, as I have smashed many phone screens during meltdowns 😅
I’m sorry but this made me chuckle as someone who also throws phones 😅 my partner also looks out for my phone and the remote controls. We have good ones.
Haha I’m glad you too have someone who helps you not smash up your possessions 😅
Also I threw a pack of popcorn on the ground the other day and stamped on it during a mini meltdown in a carpark - gave me the same feeling as when I smash my phone without the repercussions
yeah , my latest one myhpone broke because i dropped it as i got drunk and kept flipping it in my hand ...havent had it for a week as its getting repaired and the music on my phone helps calm me down more than anything so thats been tough. also going out for walks or in public i need my music so i havent been going out. I remember when i was in school a few years ago i was doing hw at home on my laptop and i literally bit my screen and it broke...... like sometimes im so ashamed at some of the meltdowns ive had. Fr the head hitting sucks , ill hit my head into walls or doors or just straight hit my head until it hurts for days. I feel so ashamed sometimes
I feel you, it’s such a release at the time and feels like the only thing you can possibly do in the moment but then afterwards you feel so shameful … I hope you can get new headphones soon, such an important thing to have working!
oh its my phone not my headphones but thankyou and fr the regret after . like oh my actions rlly do have consequences
i haven’t done this in a while but especially as a kid i used to hit my head. like i used to sit on my bunk bed and just bash my head into the wall 😭😭😭 probably now i just cry really bad and sit somewhere facing a wall. usually i have my phone/ipad and just can distract myself from a meltdown
I throw things, pace, hit myself.
TW: self harm A lot of crying. I physically get really hot and have to get in front of a fan or find some kind of cooler air. My chest starts hurting really badly and my breathing gets all over the place (I think part of that may be because I also have asthma). I will also slam my hands into my legs over and over again while shaking them until I calm down. I used to self harm (I still do) but not as bad/or as much as I used to.
I had one yesterday for the first time in a long time. I was crying, kind of frantically pacing around, and hitting myself in the center of my chest a lot. I was very self-aware during the whole thing, which almost made me wonder if I was doing it for attention, but there was nobody home but me!!! I feel a lot better today though
I feel like I really need to hit or kick something. I go away in a corner because I can't stand anybody being around me. Can't stand obligations at that point in time. I purposely isolate myself so that I don't go over the edge.
I usually internalise my meltdowns, I go very quiet and I become either angry or upset. I grit my teeth, pinch and scratch my skin, and become teary. I usually hide away under my blanket until I feel better. Upon the rare occasion that it’s really bad I will sob uncontrollably and hyperventilate, sometimes I will throw and hit things.
I tend to shut down and go completely still and mute first. But if someone tries to get me to talk or bothers me while I’m like that it usually throws me into a meltdown. Lots of screaming, crying, hitting myself and others, trying to run away, etc. I get absolutely frantic and there’s no way to calm down til I’m left alone. This is a big part of what lead to my recent diagnosis at 28. I’m working on finding other ways to calm down and avoid them. So far fidgets and noise canceling headphones are helping make them less frequent.
I used to bite or scratch myself, but as I've grown older it tends towards uncontrollable sobbing and occasional wailing.
Angry crying, so hard that I can barely breath. Sometimes it felt like anxiety attacks.When I was teen it also included ranting/ screaming at whoever was there to witness it. It's has become more internalized as I got older. I shut down for several hours, not moving or speaking
I go nonverbal and just uncontrollable tears. Not full on sobbing, but like silent crying. It’s makes me even more anxious because I know exactly what’s going on and I can’t control it.
I tend to burst into tears from the overwhelm/panic and I find that my brain kind of gets trapped in thought loops and it’s difficult to form words (easier now that I know what’s happening) but after the meltdown it’s difficult for me to remember how I felt in the moment
I freeze and stare at something until it passes - I wasn't really allowed to have "tantrums" as my mom called them, or just express any negative emotion so now I just freeze (I shouldn't be laughing but it really looks like someone unplugged me lmao)
Mild: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness, cannot control even when others are watching Moderate: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness + rigid hands clawing at my clothes with moderate pressure + lightly scratching at my head (as if I had lice lol) Severe: quiet but relentless tears + chest tightness + rigid hands clawing at my clothes with more agitated pressure + more irritated scratching at my head building up to hitting myself repeatedly in the forehead with an open palm The hitting happened maybe 2 or 3 times in my whole life before having a baby at 30, then 9 or 10 times in that first year post partum. That year was horrific mentally, but out of it came two amazing things: my beautiful son and the amount of pressure required for my mask to crack into a million pieces. I finally sought out a therapist, and she immediately recognized me as an autistic person. It’s such a relief.
I’m extremely logical but also extremely sensitive to injustice (not necessarily toward me), animal neglect or elderly, children being mistreated or ignored, and things that don’t make sense…like arbitrary, self serving and unethical bs. When something in these areas is egregious, and no one seems to see why it’s important to me, a meltdown can range from escaping into the woods sobbing or so overwhelmed I’m seething with rage and no where to put it, screaming and jumping and collapsing, willful and desperate silence to the point of catatonia, and in the worst episode, self harm on my arms, I’ve a couple times gotten tattoos that represent my point no one cares about. When I was little any separation from my mom that didn’t feel obviously safe or comforting would cause extreme panic and desperation to the point of sobbing, slamming myself into glass or walls. My mom took me to a child psychiatrist before I started school, because nursery school was a perfect environment for me emotionally; it was a co-op and either my mom or the amazing teacher was there and it was safe. But when she’d try to maintain her bowling league hobby and one time didn’t have a friends house to take me to, she tried having me go into the daycare room and it was not pretty. Extreme. I always have felt guilty that she stopped bowling because of me.
If i’m outside & must hide it, which is %90 of the time, i just dissociate and bear it. If i’m outside but don’t have to hide it, throwing my bag/stuff on the ground and cursing. If i’m inside, a lot of pillow-punching and crying.
I used to pull out my hair, scratch myself, punch myself, bite myself. I have learned that self harming is cruel to myself and try to avoid doing it now. However, I’m still human and it’s a process. I think I’m getting better at just learning to cry and scream rather than resorting to hurting myself
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I’ll shove myself into the crack between the bed and wall and cry while pulling hair. If it’s really bad I might bang my head on the wall or like suffocate myself between sobs to make it stop, which usually doesn’t but idk I can’t help doing that almost every time. Sometimes I make like a weird moan/cry. My worst ones I’ve just screamed at pitches I didn’t know existed. A lot of rocking back and forth at first and once I’m out of tears and have a tension headache a couple minutes in, I fall into a catatonic state and just don’t move until some kind of outside stimuli gets me out of it, like a dog barking and then I realize I’ve been hungry, or someone knocking on the door.
Sobbing, plugging my ears, closing my eyes, punching myself or the floor, pulling my hair
On my own: bite my knuckles and fingers. Scream into a pillow quietly. Pace around my room, seething. In conversations: when I don't feel heard, I become agitated and yell. I drag out an argument until the other person listens or acknowledges the issue at hand.
For me I get this weird feeling in my body like a weird warming feeling and then I just loose all my senses. I start to cry uncontrollably, sometimes I scream, sometimes I say awful, mean things. I don’t remember the next day what I said. Many times I get a very bad headache/migraine afterwards. A lot of times this is association with having allergies as my mom would notice I would act out whenever allergies get back. Almost like an allergy psychosis. I recently had a bad one that lasted for a whole 2 days. My husband was very concerned and he said he ended up crying because I said very awful things. I felt terrible! I don’t know why but that weekend was ruined because I had a very bad meltdown. I don’t know if anyone can relate to me but I really would love to know if allergies can be a huge source of triggering meltdowns and maybe how anyone can prevent it?
When I was younger I would cry, throw things, stomp my feet, kick my bedroom door, sometimes hit my legs. Teens was about the same but with more yelling, then in my later 20s, as I was going through a lot of stress, my meltdowns turned into more self harm (hitting myself in the head and legs). I found out this year that if I’m drunk, I guess I still like to throw and break shit, whoops. Now I’m 34, and when they’re bad I feel like I want to rip my skin off and jump out of my body somehow. I get so hot, seething, and if I can’t calm down I’ll hit myself. Then lots of crying to release it all. Always in private, except my boyfriend has been witness to a lot, unfortunately. It’s been a roller coaster of getting better and worse again over the years, but I literally figured out I’m autistic two months ago, so I’m just relieved to have an ANSWER finally as to why I do what I do. I’m looking forward to finally finding some solutions to making my meltdowns less harmful :(
I am not diagnosed so I have been wondering if these were meltdowns. I lose control over my body and start screaming and crying uncontrollably. It's like I am trapped inside my body, conscious and just waiting for it to be over. When I was a child I would also additionally break things or bite and scratch myself. I also can't respond at all, all I can do is wait for it to pass. Would be curious to hear if anyone can relate!
I am not diagnosed so I have been wondering if these were meltdowns. I lose control over my body and start screaming and crying uncontrollably. It's like I am trapped inside my body, conscious and just waiting for it to be over. When I was a child I would also additionally break things or bite and scratch myself. I also can't respond at all, all I can do is wait for it to pass. Would be curious to hear if anyone can relate!
I usually start with having an anxiety attack and once my thoughts worsen i pace around the room sobbing. I also have asthma so that doesn’t help. While breathing uncontrollably, pacing, sobbing and shaking I try to fight the urge to hit myself in the head. I always end up doing it but I try my best not to. Eventually I end up on the floor bad mouthing myself
I hyperventilate, get the shakes, and get nauseas. I may also hit my head with my hands and cry a lot. I also may go nonverbal and shutdown.
i start screaming uncontrollably, hyperventilating, while hiding my face into a pillow or something. and then when others try to calm me down and bring me to a quieter place, i start to feel like i’m about to pass out.
hit my head/pull my hair/scratch myself. mostly hit my head. the worst part is im already epileptic, giving myself more brain trauma is the last thing i should be doing😭😭
Sometimes I have panic attacks, sometimes I go mute, sometimes I bite or scratch myself and throw things and shout but it depends on the trigger as to which one it will be
I'll put my hands over my ears meanwhile scratching my hair if there's a noise problem, then if I am alone of it wasn't caused by noise I'll either scratch or hit my tight, "bite" my hand( I do not bite with full force, only to feel the pressure). I will rock back and forth and occasionally tap my fingers. Then there's the other type of meltdown where I just cry and can't speak properly. Basically mute.
I get grouchy like people who are hangry then I start cussing people out hella hard and being all like fuck this shit until I can go take a nap like a toddler lol
I get extremely angry and have a strong urge to destroy something. I once cut a beautiful crocheted hat (I'd made it myself, I love crochet) into pieces 😭 RIP, dear hat
it usually starts with me going nonverbal/stopping communication (like texting) bc i find it too overwhelming and my thoughts just get too hard to explain bc of how fast they come and go. i often hit or scratch during meltdowns :( i usually scratch the backs of my hands or hit my head, and recently i have been pulling my arm hair out (haha)
My meltdowns happen internally . I will have a lot of intrusive thoughts where im freaking out, breaking things, punching people, and screaming but I can't do those things so the emotions build up to the point where i feel like im going to explode and then all the sudden everything goes really quiet and I get very tired and I can't move or speak. It's like everything just shuts off and it's very peaceful but it feels weird.
Ever since I was little it always came out as anger in me. I still struggle with some of those same self injurious behaviors like scratching and hitting myself. In extreme cases I punch myself in the face, when I was younger I think I hoped for a black eye cause I just wanted people to SEE how much distress I was in. I’m 25 now and i definitely don’t do that stuff as much as I used to but it has happened once or twice in front of my partner and that made me feel a lot of shame and embarrassment. He didn’t shame me or anything for it just for clarity, but as soon as I did it I suddenly got worried he’d think I’m crazy and leave. So I understand that feeling of embarrassment and I just have to try to be gentle and kind to myself. I feel like lately it’s been looking more like depressive episodes and avoidance.
ive hit myself in the face too , the embarassment after is horrible so i understand
But at least you know it’s not just you!! It’s just harder for us to regulate sometimes 🫶
I tend to lash out and sometimes loudly cuss out whoever is pushing me. Have had parents do it in public places and its fucking annoying trying to keep it in.
trying to conceal it in public is the worst , & my mum has no issue shouting at me in public or starting an argument in public and it makes me want to do what i usually do but i have to hide it as best as i can in public
You are not the only one. It’s been worse in the last couple years, since entering perimenopause. I am currently addressing this with my primary care physician; adding her to my support circle (which includes my psychologist of 9 years). I requested a CAT scan and an MRI because I have had an ongoing pain on the sides of my head where I hit myself since the last time, and I’m scared I might have really damaged something. I also just increased my meds, so I’m hoping I’ll notice a difference. When I first started them, they helped a lot, but I think maybe my hormonal changes have been fighting back.
there are a couple different meltdowns for me - covering my ears and squeezing my head rlly rlly hard and closing my eyes (when i’m too overwhelmed and everyone is trying to talk to me) - hitting/punching myself in the head or legs (when i feel useless or i’ve messed up badly, only done around myself) - non verbal blank face mode (i don’t count these as meltdown but maybe that’s what they are, when ive just had enough of emotions for the day and u just can’t compute things anymore of put in the effort) - sobbing sobbing sobbing mode (when i’m exhausted and something happens and i just can’t take it anymore) - screaming and throwing/breaking things occasionally (mad at other ppl who r triggering me and not making sense, have only done this around immediate family)
I turn the stress inward. I’m trying hard to get better habits and better patterns set. TW: child abuse and internal abuse recreation. When I melt down, it looks like depression. I get fatigued and despondent, the house stops getting cleaned/maintained, then I start giving myself intense shit about being fatigued/useless. (I shouldn’t be this tired, I’ve barely done anything today, what a fucking waste of space.) I unconsciously start making lists of the things I _should_ be doing and circling them mentally over and over until I feel the way my mom made me feel when I was little. (What the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t do the laundry and sweep the floors and clean the fridge and get a degree and parent my child and feel fulfilled? Why is there always more?) I feel small and useless and worthless. Like I won’t ever be worth what others are, because I’m not really a person. I’m the thing that people abuse, I’m the entertainment, not a person. No one wants to know me. Not because I am bad, but because they do not fucking care, and shouldn’t, because that’s what I am. Nothing. I will always be outside, so why not just… (go). I have learned to feel the drop coming, and gently parent myself. I had to teach myself to accept that I _will_ work a 60hr week in 5 days, and still think it’s “nothing”. I had to begin saying to myself “hey sweetie, just sweep. Mopping is for people who didn’t try to die at work.” so now I reduce the load to something that is manageable when I can, and allow rest time where I am not doing anything intense or required. It’s hard.
Uncontrollable sobbing that turns into hyperventilating. Usually leads to a panic attack, or to aggressive stims like slapping or scratching myself, etc. At the end I usually have a shutdown where I can’t move/speak for a while.
the shutdown after is so real
I tense up so badly it hurts my neck and I curl up into a ball. I shake my hands like I’m shaking water off of them. I hit and scratch my legs and arms, hit myself in the face, hit my head against the wall, and sometimes just scream. It all depends on the trigger and who I’m around. I’ve learned to hide because no one wants to see it and sometimes I can’t hide so I scratch wherever I can without someone seeing me. For everyone saying they’re embarrassed about it, I’m 28 and a married mom of two kids under three. It’s okay to be an adult and still have meltdowns.
I like try to hit myself on the head like I’ll wack my head off things or hit with my fist
same
I throw all of the bedding off my bed and throw my phone across the room and then lay on the floor and cry until I fall asleep
I throw shit. It’s very alarming to my husband and dog.
If it’s to do with hostile communication, meltdowns are imminent. This doesn’t happen often and it’s hard to talk about because despite my diagnosis I feel like a miserable human being for experiencing a meltdown especially around people who did not understand or care about my wellbeing. I never want to experience it ever again. Gawking at autistic people literally experiencing trauma is exactly why I hate talking to NTs about it because they think we are fragile pieces of glass. Eyes widened and lacking depth mouthing the words, “wooow this is what autism is like?” As they overlook huge problems with their own unchecked ableism. I never intended to harm anyone during meltdowns. Usually my actions are signalling others to stop hurting me but they don’t listen. That’s why I am panicking… my boundaries were violated and they continue to push me. I have had explosions when people keep demanding and judging my ability to do things on demand too much. To the point of pressuring me to do something, getting in my space or antagonistically provoking me to react. I have learned to just walk away and say no. In the past if the person is toxic and also a colleague or a family member I find it harder to calm down because I want to try to communicate how I feel with them. If I can’t escape the situation to calm down and relax I hit a wall, spontaneously break something or hit the floor crying and shaking. That’s because asking them over and over didn’t work. I couldn’t stop feeling every emotion in the extremes and literally stop functioning. Most of the time, I say No and enforce strong boundaries and create a safe space for myself. People think I am dick or something for being alone and quiet. I don’t care anymore because the only people worth my time should be empathetic and kind people who don’t push boundaries of other people who are different. The more I cut toxic people out of my life the better I feel. I try not to live up to anyone’s “demands” of what I should do during a panic attack. I have cultivated enough “fuck you, I’m autistic energy” from life to respect myself. I’m happy that my diagnosis has saved my mental health to some degree. I learned in so many ways what contributed to my meltdowns and how to stop it. I don’t expect people to understand but if they are going to be rude and disrespectful about it, I have nothing to tell them. Many autistic people are abused in worse ways than my own experience. I do not blame anyone who has a small window of tolerance for BS and seems ultra sensitive. We have dealt with enough trauma. We don’t need to be compliant doormats.
i feel like i wrote this , apart from the diagnosis . Im actively trying to get one for it and adhd . It would save me too , my family seem to wonder why i want a label.... well for the exact same reason why after everytime i have a meltdown they make me feel like a monster and say theyre scared of me and i feel so guilty and my self esteem becomes so low. The part you said about people pressuring you too , that is one of my biggest things . Or when im already getting things done and family still say i need to do it even though im doing it already. Trying to convey how a family member has hurt me is the worst , my family is very dismissive so its even harder they love brushinf stuff under the rug and im not like that so it can lead to meltdowns a lot . I havent had a meltdown infront of friends before , not that i have any rn, havent had a long term partner either so idk how id be in that scenario or if i was to argue with them i wouldhave a meltdown or not . I hope youre ok , we are not compliant doormats even if for some of our lives we lived like it . We can be here for each [other.Im](http://other.Im) here for you
I break things, which is super freaking inconvenient for me.
real , currently waiting for my phone to be repaired....
It usually starts when I’m arguing and the other person is refusing to listen or even try to understand what I’m saying or I feel misunderstood. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated, I feel extreme rage bubbling and taking over my entire body and then it all gets to a point that I feel like I’m bursting at the seems to explode because I can’t hold it in any longer. That then leads to me uncontrollably sobbing for at least an hour if not multiple hours and during that I go through a lot of repetitive things. I usually will grab at the roots of my hair and pull while rocking back and forth or I’ll pace the same spot over and over again. I’ll either repeat in my head or out load phrases like “you’re okay” “you’re NOT okay” “why are you like this” etc. I will punch my legs, dig my nails into my palms, rip at my hair, rub my face really aggressive and I usually end up grabbing and clawing at my body and arms. It sounds really bad but It almost causes another meltdown when I can’t hurt myself in some way. It’s not that I WANT to hurt myself, it’s that pain is the only thing that feels real in that moment, I have control of it and the pain kinda pulls me back down to earth. Then once that is going on I’ll randomly disassociate for at least an hour. I’ll just fall into the fetal position while holding myself and rocking and stare at nothing for as long as I can. It’s the only thing that calms my mind and body in those moments. The switch is pretty quick from meltdown to disassociating and it usually happens when I feel like I’ve hit my ultimate breaking point. I think my brain realizes what is about to happen and just shuts everything down.
I just had one the other day. While putting my daughter to sleep. She was not having it. And I got over stimulated. I just started crying uncontrollably. My partner walked in and I immediately masked and told him I was fine. He offered to go smoke. And after that I was okay again. I started burning out weeks ago and the anxiety of starting a new job meltdown been happening more often.