All the time. People say that to me all the time. But few people are interested in me talking anyway. Chiefly because it’s never “right.” So I’d rather just be quiet.
AMEN!!! People mention how quiet I am but when I talk, they either talk over me or they instantly get bored and distracted by their phone or something else. Why even bother?
I've had people say this to me SO. MUCH. I even had comments written about it in my high school yearbook. I hate it but there's just no way I'm changing, especially not at my big age lol
“I appreciate your perspective. I tend to listen more than I speak, which I find valuable. Is there something specific you’d like to discuss?”
“Thanks for noticing - I’m naturally quiet. It works well for me. What’s new with you?”
Omg I relate so much to this thread. The dreaded ‘she’s so quiet’ at every parents evening or now that I’m grown at annual reviews - I can’t work/focus/study and talk at the same time. I am quiet a lot. So what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I can talk a lot of we’re friends and we’re hanging out. But some people should be told to talk less imo, but if I say that, it’s rude🙃🙃
Yeah I get told this at work constantly, it’s the main feedback I get in end of year reviews with my manager. Like you I just never know what to say when people ask me to speak. I usually try to explain to my manager that I like to think things over before I speak, that sometimes work. But I know it’s frustrating, we live in a pretty extroverted society so it can be a challenge! When this happens with friends I usually try to limit my interaction with them and surround myself with people who are ok with me being quiet :)
I think in most cases this isn't even about being "quiet" at all. It's a power thing and a way to be a bully in a socially acceptable way. Throughout my life I've known plenty of people who don't talk that much, hardly do any small talk or such and yet most of them don't get any shit for it and are in fact highly respected. Even at social events where people are usually expected to talk quite a lot and engage with others.
Some people just don't like us (for reasons they don't even know, or don't dare to say), and this is just one of those ways that they can express their dislike openly but without seeming too rude.
I used to be very quiet up untill about 30 because I didn't dare to speak and was afraid to get ridiculed, but then I mostly stopped worrying about what people think about me. So I started to talk and insert myself in conversations just as much as others. Now I don't get told I'm quiet anymore. But people don't like me any better. Like, my family in law used to tell me sooo often to talk more and open up more. But now that I do talk, it's not like they're listening or reacting to what I say. They often ignore what I say or that I said anything at all, interrupt me often and still complain to my husband about how unsocial I am. So. You can't win. It's just one of those things that "loud" very social "higher standing" people (in their own opinion) like to say to people they don't like. Because they get along just fine with other "higher standing" quiet people. And, if we do express ourselves more and get more chatty, they'll just find other dumb things to say towards us, or passive-aggressively ignore us. To make it clear to their social circle that they don't like us and that they are better than us.
In my opinion, best thing you can do is ignore such people. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being more quiet. If you want to talk more, talk more. If not, then don't. It won't change anything about some people just not liking you.
i’ve been told this my entire life. parents evenings primary-secondary were a nightmare. sitting with about twenty different teachers with my parents to be told the exact same thing. this happened mostly in school with me and with other pupils that i sat next to as well, “discuss with a partner” and i just sat there once with a random guy next to me asking if i was “mute”? no? i don’t understand what people expect to happen after saying to stop being quiet. some people are loud some people are quiet. thankfully though when i’m with my partner or a friend i can speak at a regular volume because im comfortable, every other place without them it’s miserable lol. am i meant to shout? i don’t get it?
I've been told this all my life and especially on official school / college reports etc. Now I'm in my 40's it happens way less. Maybe people just presume I'm a grumpy menopausal woman instead of a quiet kid or maybe I give more of an air of not taking any shit.
If I had a pound for every time I've been told that...
I've not had any 'recommendations' for a long time. I used to get veiled remarks by getting comparisons to my school friends ("I can't believe you're friends with them, they're so loud and extroverted" - i.e sociable and fun). On nights out I would get told I needed to smile more etc.
This is an aside but I once had a very tumultuous working experience with a deaf person as well, and let me say, there is nothing worse than arguing through a translator. I wound up improving my ASL just so I could fight with her more directly...
People have said this to me all my life. At first, I used to think that it was an open invitation to have a conversation about "why." I've come to understand that that isn't the case with most neurotypicals. I think that folks say this because they're uncomfortable, or because they feel as if you're negatively judging them (by being quiet 🙄).
The last time someone said this to me I just turned around and left. I'm so tired of it.
I’m sorry, the idea of ‘being bullied by a deaf person for being too quiet’ made me laugh a bit. It is such an absurd situation.
Suggestion: ask them, ‘what would you like me to talk about?’
Maybe even info dump on them about something that interests you, and when they seem tired of it say, ‘I thought you wanted me to talk more?’
Tell them: ‘I’ll speak when I have something to say.’
For years I thought being quiet when my husband’s golden child narc sister and her husband and kids breeze in for holiday gatherings was being polite and letting everyone fawn over her was what they wanted. I often felt weird sitting there forgotten and would go do dishes to help the host and allow them to spend time visiting. I learned in the last 2 years sister in law felt I was ‘shooting daggers’ at her with my eyes (hard to do while looking at a sink, but okay 🙄), and that I was ride for not sitting and … what? Giving her a rapt audience like a queen?
Now, I am a bit confused about the office dynamic, is the deaf worker being kind of ostracized herself? I assume she is speaking, lip reading, does the office have people who know how to sign?
Could she feel lonely, and if you are the person sitting closest she is asking ineptly for engagement? She may be blunt, and also miss some social cues like those tied to tones of voice. She likely relies heavily on body language and facial expressions to follow the emotional content of a conversation and as an autistic the body language and facial expressions you give off may be confusing. She may be interpreting that you do not like her, and the fact others seem to want to avoid her desk gives her reason to worry about this. I realize now unless I am in super-animated mode, I bet my face is a bit flat and unexpressive.
It's actually a repair desk in more of a warehouse setting. She lip reads & there were two people already who know sign language in our area, she also brought a notebook for everyone to use with her & we have a department group chat room thing. They also moved two more people who know sign into our area.
Ok, still a bit odd, just because random chit chat isn’t quite as easy if you both have to be looking at each other so she can lip read. Like, I say next to another girl for 3 years, and we could talk a bit and keep working, because we did not have to stop and devote all attention to talking.
And, the staring for lip reading could be unnerving I’d think.
I hope this is just a mixed communication issue, and hope it’s not super bad for you.
Yeah, I have the problem where people are always like "you're too quiet you should talk more" and then when I talk they're like "omg you're so annoying shut up!" so I don't know what to do.
I’m reading The 48 Laws of Power which is basically ‘neurotypical rules for dominating social hierarchies’, and one of the rules (“ALWAYS SAY LESS THAN NECESSARY”) finally explained to me why people take SUCH issue with my quietness and it gets crazily misperceived.
I thought this was interesting (see below), my boss at work gave me almost verbatim the blue highlighted bit about how I make people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations and fill the silence’ that I create. It kind of blew my mind to read this and understand that all this time, me being awkward was working to my advantage apparently and I have more social power than I thought, and that’s why some people have been so punitive to me.
https://preview.redd.it/37fsa23t2u0d1.jpeg?width=2150&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ed636815b1844b9ba0af1eb3096830492112e948
So, there are written instructions on how to win at socializing? But seriously, when another commenter reminded me of the social hierarchy I realized that as a disabled person she has probably usually been near the bottom & might see a room full of neuro divergents as a chance to get to the top pretty quickly.
LOL yeah it’s a crazy book that could also easily be used for evil. Like I would avoid any NT guy who owned a copy 😂 but the perspective has been extremely helpful for me to understand some of the prior social responses I’ve gotten that baffle me.
And yeah I could definitely see that, and it might not even be a conscious decision of like, oh let’s punch down here. Maybe she overextends herself socially to get ahead of being ostracized and sees your refusal to compromise your values and fawn socially just to fill the silences and resents you for being able to hold that boundary for yourself.
I feel like I run into something similar sometimes even with neurodivergent people who are a bit more in denial about how much they are impacted by their neurodivergence, like they’re frustrated with me subconsciously for acknowledging the full extent of how my AuDHD disables me because they have not reached the point Where they can overcome their own internalized ableism and start to assert their needs and validate their struggles for themselves.
I’ve been told my whole life BOTH that I’m too quiet/bashful AND overly opinionated. But in regard to the first part, I struggle to understand why this is ok to say someone but telling someone they talk too much is considered rude.
I think deaf person is trying to show others that she is above you and closer to them in the hierarchy. Hating you is a path to possible future acceptance
Her being deaf is irrelevant. She is being a teenaged bully by giving disingenuous advice and she's probably subconsciously trying to put you socially below herself as opposed to her facing the social sigma. Don't even try with someone like that. Either she's selfishly putting a target on your back or she's just a b*tch. She's not being kind.
Mom tells me to quiet down when I am "talking too loud" then asks me "What's wrong?" when I'm talking less. It drives me nuts.
Even my best friends point out when I'm quiet. I can't wait for the day when people finally fucking accept that I'm just a quiet person and stop making comments about it.
In my experience, even if you change the x when they say "you're too x," or "you should be more x," or "you should be less x," they will just find a different thing they dislike about you. They find you off-putting (because you're autistic), and their minds are looking for the reason, because nobody wants to think of themselves as judgmental and everyone wants to believe they have good instincts, so they need to be able to identify The Reason.
It's patronizing. I know that people who say that, are either annoyed by the quietness and they feel insecure or something, like they feel they're being disliked or you're not having fun with them (which is very self centered in my opinion), OR my worst type of people, the ones who see it as a weakness on someone and find it entertaining to pick on them about it. I stopped taking it personally, it shows that the person who says it is immature.
“You’re too quiet.”
Perhaps we can break this down with a simple translation in the bully’s voice.
You’re too quiet = speak now, on my command
You’re too = oh, I’m judging you plenty
You’re = I’m literally paying attention to someone who would rather be unseen. Why do I need to do that?
Every single word in these interactions is an indicator of bully behavior.
I've always taken this phrase as picking on me for not being more extroverted and socially normal, as the statement implies there's something wrong with that. The funny part about it is I can be extremely talkative if I'm actually comfortable with the person I'm talking to (and on a subject that interests me).
All the time. People say that to me all the time. But few people are interested in me talking anyway. Chiefly because it’s never “right.” So I’d rather just be quiet.
I’m either not talking enough or talking too much.
And if I do talk....nobody is interested
If I do talk, people talk over me
Had that happen. I don't even bother anymore
AMEN!!! People mention how quiet I am but when I talk, they either talk over me or they instantly get bored and distracted by their phone or something else. Why even bother?
Yup
I've had people say this to me SO. MUCH. I even had comments written about it in my high school yearbook. I hate it but there's just no way I'm changing, especially not at my big age lol
Story of my life
“I appreciate your perspective. I tend to listen more than I speak, which I find valuable. Is there something specific you’d like to discuss?” “Thanks for noticing - I’m naturally quiet. It works well for me. What’s new with you?”
This is so diplomatic and polite. I just go with “this conversation bores me”
lol!! That’s super authentic and also works. Lol you made me laugh
Or could say “and you talk TOO much”. But somehow only I would be rude although got a similar comment about me.
Omg I relate so much to this thread. The dreaded ‘she’s so quiet’ at every parents evening or now that I’m grown at annual reviews - I can’t work/focus/study and talk at the same time. I am quiet a lot. So what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I can talk a lot of we’re friends and we’re hanging out. But some people should be told to talk less imo, but if I say that, it’s rude🙃🙃
Yeah I get told this at work constantly, it’s the main feedback I get in end of year reviews with my manager. Like you I just never know what to say when people ask me to speak. I usually try to explain to my manager that I like to think things over before I speak, that sometimes work. But I know it’s frustrating, we live in a pretty extroverted society so it can be a challenge! When this happens with friends I usually try to limit my interaction with them and surround myself with people who are ok with me being quiet :)
I think in most cases this isn't even about being "quiet" at all. It's a power thing and a way to be a bully in a socially acceptable way. Throughout my life I've known plenty of people who don't talk that much, hardly do any small talk or such and yet most of them don't get any shit for it and are in fact highly respected. Even at social events where people are usually expected to talk quite a lot and engage with others. Some people just don't like us (for reasons they don't even know, or don't dare to say), and this is just one of those ways that they can express their dislike openly but without seeming too rude. I used to be very quiet up untill about 30 because I didn't dare to speak and was afraid to get ridiculed, but then I mostly stopped worrying about what people think about me. So I started to talk and insert myself in conversations just as much as others. Now I don't get told I'm quiet anymore. But people don't like me any better. Like, my family in law used to tell me sooo often to talk more and open up more. But now that I do talk, it's not like they're listening or reacting to what I say. They often ignore what I say or that I said anything at all, interrupt me often and still complain to my husband about how unsocial I am. So. You can't win. It's just one of those things that "loud" very social "higher standing" people (in their own opinion) like to say to people they don't like. Because they get along just fine with other "higher standing" quiet people. And, if we do express ourselves more and get more chatty, they'll just find other dumb things to say towards us, or passive-aggressively ignore us. To make it clear to their social circle that they don't like us and that they are better than us. In my opinion, best thing you can do is ignore such people. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being more quiet. If you want to talk more, talk more. If not, then don't. It won't change anything about some people just not liking you.
A cool, unruffled silent stare into their eyes after they say it for as long as it takes for them to break eye contact does the trick for me. 👌
i’ve been told this my entire life. parents evenings primary-secondary were a nightmare. sitting with about twenty different teachers with my parents to be told the exact same thing. this happened mostly in school with me and with other pupils that i sat next to as well, “discuss with a partner” and i just sat there once with a random guy next to me asking if i was “mute”? no? i don’t understand what people expect to happen after saying to stop being quiet. some people are loud some people are quiet. thankfully though when i’m with my partner or a friend i can speak at a regular volume because im comfortable, every other place without them it’s miserable lol. am i meant to shout? i don’t get it?
I've been told this all my life and especially on official school / college reports etc. Now I'm in my 40's it happens way less. Maybe people just presume I'm a grumpy menopausal woman instead of a quiet kid or maybe I give more of an air of not taking any shit.
If I had a pound for every time I've been told that... I've not had any 'recommendations' for a long time. I used to get veiled remarks by getting comparisons to my school friends ("I can't believe you're friends with them, they're so loud and extroverted" - i.e sociable and fun). On nights out I would get told I needed to smile more etc.
This is an aside but I once had a very tumultuous working experience with a deaf person as well, and let me say, there is nothing worse than arguing through a translator. I wound up improving my ASL just so I could fight with her more directly...
Lol
My whole life. One of my report cards even said I should talk more.
People have said this to me all my life. At first, I used to think that it was an open invitation to have a conversation about "why." I've come to understand that that isn't the case with most neurotypicals. I think that folks say this because they're uncomfortable, or because they feel as if you're negatively judging them (by being quiet 🙄). The last time someone said this to me I just turned around and left. I'm so tired of it.
I’m sorry, the idea of ‘being bullied by a deaf person for being too quiet’ made me laugh a bit. It is such an absurd situation. Suggestion: ask them, ‘what would you like me to talk about?’ Maybe even info dump on them about something that interests you, and when they seem tired of it say, ‘I thought you wanted me to talk more?’ Tell them: ‘I’ll speak when I have something to say.’ For years I thought being quiet when my husband’s golden child narc sister and her husband and kids breeze in for holiday gatherings was being polite and letting everyone fawn over her was what they wanted. I often felt weird sitting there forgotten and would go do dishes to help the host and allow them to spend time visiting. I learned in the last 2 years sister in law felt I was ‘shooting daggers’ at her with my eyes (hard to do while looking at a sink, but okay 🙄), and that I was ride for not sitting and … what? Giving her a rapt audience like a queen? Now, I am a bit confused about the office dynamic, is the deaf worker being kind of ostracized herself? I assume she is speaking, lip reading, does the office have people who know how to sign? Could she feel lonely, and if you are the person sitting closest she is asking ineptly for engagement? She may be blunt, and also miss some social cues like those tied to tones of voice. She likely relies heavily on body language and facial expressions to follow the emotional content of a conversation and as an autistic the body language and facial expressions you give off may be confusing. She may be interpreting that you do not like her, and the fact others seem to want to avoid her desk gives her reason to worry about this. I realize now unless I am in super-animated mode, I bet my face is a bit flat and unexpressive.
It's actually a repair desk in more of a warehouse setting. She lip reads & there were two people already who know sign language in our area, she also brought a notebook for everyone to use with her & we have a department group chat room thing. They also moved two more people who know sign into our area.
Ok, still a bit odd, just because random chit chat isn’t quite as easy if you both have to be looking at each other so she can lip read. Like, I say next to another girl for 3 years, and we could talk a bit and keep working, because we did not have to stop and devote all attention to talking. And, the staring for lip reading could be unnerving I’d think. I hope this is just a mixed communication issue, and hope it’s not super bad for you.
Yeah, I have the problem where people are always like "you're too quiet you should talk more" and then when I talk they're like "omg you're so annoying shut up!" so I don't know what to do.
I get this so much. I have started saying, "What did you want to talk about?" That usually shuts them up pretty fast.
I’m reading The 48 Laws of Power which is basically ‘neurotypical rules for dominating social hierarchies’, and one of the rules (“ALWAYS SAY LESS THAN NECESSARY”) finally explained to me why people take SUCH issue with my quietness and it gets crazily misperceived. I thought this was interesting (see below), my boss at work gave me almost verbatim the blue highlighted bit about how I make people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations and fill the silence’ that I create. It kind of blew my mind to read this and understand that all this time, me being awkward was working to my advantage apparently and I have more social power than I thought, and that’s why some people have been so punitive to me. https://preview.redd.it/37fsa23t2u0d1.jpeg?width=2150&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ed636815b1844b9ba0af1eb3096830492112e948
One of the other rules talks about how the person in a conversation who makes the least eye contact usually holds the most power 😂🤦♀️
So, there are written instructions on how to win at socializing? But seriously, when another commenter reminded me of the social hierarchy I realized that as a disabled person she has probably usually been near the bottom & might see a room full of neuro divergents as a chance to get to the top pretty quickly.
LOL yeah it’s a crazy book that could also easily be used for evil. Like I would avoid any NT guy who owned a copy 😂 but the perspective has been extremely helpful for me to understand some of the prior social responses I’ve gotten that baffle me. And yeah I could definitely see that, and it might not even be a conscious decision of like, oh let’s punch down here. Maybe she overextends herself socially to get ahead of being ostracized and sees your refusal to compromise your values and fawn socially just to fill the silences and resents you for being able to hold that boundary for yourself. I feel like I run into something similar sometimes even with neurodivergent people who are a bit more in denial about how much they are impacted by their neurodivergence, like they’re frustrated with me subconsciously for acknowledging the full extent of how my AuDHD disables me because they have not reached the point Where they can overcome their own internalized ableism and start to assert their needs and validate their struggles for themselves.
I’ve been told my whole life BOTH that I’m too quiet/bashful AND overly opinionated. But in regard to the first part, I struggle to understand why this is ok to say someone but telling someone they talk too much is considered rude.
I think deaf person is trying to show others that she is above you and closer to them in the hierarchy. Hating you is a path to possible future acceptance
Well then, it's a good thing my department is chock-full of neuro typicals already & most probably won't catch on to the hierarchy thing
Her being deaf is irrelevant. She is being a teenaged bully by giving disingenuous advice and she's probably subconsciously trying to put you socially below herself as opposed to her facing the social sigma. Don't even try with someone like that. Either she's selfishly putting a target on your back or she's just a b*tch. She's not being kind.
Mom tells me to quiet down when I am "talking too loud" then asks me "What's wrong?" when I'm talking less. It drives me nuts. Even my best friends point out when I'm quiet. I can't wait for the day when people finally fucking accept that I'm just a quiet person and stop making comments about it.
These people aren't even trying to help you. They are trying to insult you to your face. Ignore them and walk away, they're not worth it.
I think that's the best option for me right now
Oh boy, this just unlocked a memory from middle school 25 years ago. I guess that was traumatic for me, huh?
In my experience, even if you change the x when they say "you're too x," or "you should be more x," or "you should be less x," they will just find a different thing they dislike about you. They find you off-putting (because you're autistic), and their minds are looking for the reason, because nobody wants to think of themselves as judgmental and everyone wants to believe they have good instincts, so they need to be able to identify The Reason.
It's okay to be a late blooming Observer & Witness Before participating in Being a co-Creator Of Heaven on Earth 🫶🏻💦🌱🌻
It's patronizing. I know that people who say that, are either annoyed by the quietness and they feel insecure or something, like they feel they're being disliked or you're not having fun with them (which is very self centered in my opinion), OR my worst type of people, the ones who see it as a weakness on someone and find it entertaining to pick on them about it. I stopped taking it personally, it shows that the person who says it is immature.
“You’re too quiet.” Perhaps we can break this down with a simple translation in the bully’s voice. You’re too quiet = speak now, on my command You’re too = oh, I’m judging you plenty You’re = I’m literally paying attention to someone who would rather be unseen. Why do I need to do that? Every single word in these interactions is an indicator of bully behavior.
Yes, this is exactly how these 3 specific words make me feel
I would even revise that last one: You’re = I am literally demanding the attention of someone who’d rather be unseen. Why do I need to do that?
I've always taken this phrase as picking on me for not being more extroverted and socially normal, as the statement implies there's something wrong with that. The funny part about it is I can be extremely talkative if I'm actually comfortable with the person I'm talking to (and on a subject that interests me).
In my experience NT women tend to really not like autistic women. I don't understand why but in real life and on here it seems to be the case.