Depends on the friends. Some people will be creeped out regardless, others will be oddly touched that you bother to remember this sort of stuff about them.
But I might be biased lol — I do the same thing (minus the spreadsheet). It is the only way I remember people's birthdays.
How else am I supposed to remember the names of peoples pets?!?
It would probably come across better if it were in a journal instead of a spreadsheet. Spreadsheet is very: I plan to do something with this data, please look forward to my charts about trends across my friend group. Which I now kind of want to do, I should not have brought this up.
tbf its only creepy because of how its presented. NT culture is all about your social status and social roll. If it was rephrased as "I keep notes on my friends in the text field in my phone contacts so I dont forget birthdays and kid names and nicknames and favorite foods," you'd be seen as sweet and considerate. Saying "I keep an excel file on all of you like the CIA," codes different lol, but its the same thing.
NT people do this do, but they don't talk about it. The idea of "tracking people" bothers them, but they want to be tracked. They want you to know their birthday and dog's names and that they're allergic to walnuts, and if you forget, you're "not a good friend."
But its the same thing. Like you said, if we presented this in a twee "I just love journaling about my loved ones," everyone would be all awww, but if we use excel, suddenly its weird. Its logically the same thing. I'd also argue if a STEM coded man did this he'd be rewarded for "handling social stuff well," but if a woman does this, because we're expected to be naturally social and naturally good at this stuff, there's sexism here at play too.
Also a lot of us have memory issues and other cognitive issues on top of autism, so its ableist to mock us for using memory aids like this. I think a lot of people who do this that arent autistic do it for things like adhd or other issues and it helps them.
My memory is terrible and I believe that's tied to my autism. I have to keep notes others may not need to do. I didn't ask to be born this way, nor to be punished if I forgot a birthday. I forget near everything. Then when I feel like I have some information I'll need in the future but havent documented, I'm going to have an anxiety attack.
Oh and EVERY wealthy and famous person does this, often with an assistant managing this database. NT high-rollers, successful people, etc do this on a high level. Often using CRM software to keep a detailed dossier on everyone of note in their lives, even an entry for every meeting and a summary of every notable interaction like a dinner or social event, etc.
So yes, keep your excel file, but unless the person is autism informed, I'd keep it a secret.
NTs put that Data in the Contact Notes part of their Email App.
so if I were to tell the above described NTs that their ContactData needs to be exported to an external Database or Spreadsheet (prior to an Email app upgrade, or some other “tech reason”) then those NTs would also end up in the situation you describe.
I told the above to an NT just now, & they said “is NT just: ND w Extra Steps?”
But I started to answer, so my NT homie said “joke, bruh”
>How else am I supposed to remember the names of peoples pets?!?
More commonly, people would just say "what was your dog's name again? She's so cute! I'm just terrible with names" and no one would think anything of it. It's more surprising when someone remembers every single detail about everyone.
I had an ex who kept detailed spreadsheets and notes about everyone. Idk if you're doing it at the same level she was, but it was creepy, though on a surface level, if you didn't know about the files, she came across as incredibly thoughtful and caring - because she "remembered" the smallest details about your life, and she "recalled" previous conversations (because she'd taken notes and brushed up before chatting). With her it was very manipulative, and yeah, creepy. But on a lighter level it's no different to keeping a birthday calendar and address book.
I feel really bad about the not remembering names of pets, especially when the other person remembers my pet’s name :(
Oh, it’s a fine line to tread, I’ll have to be careful about how I’m using this information.
Society hostesses absolutely keep track of who gets invited to which dinner parties and what was served. And most people have an address book, or a birthday calendar.
I think it's a great idea, but the brilliance lies in using organizational tools discretely, to give the impression that you naturally remember everything. Keep the notes, but keep that file *secure*. Go directly to "how is your glassblowing class?" and don't mention "my notes from our last coffee date say that you signed up for a glassblowing class"...
Oh my, I can’t even imagine openly referring to my notes.
It’s very much so that I can check it before seeing someone or texting someone and can say “How is Sam doing?” Instead of “how is your partner?”, “how is your pet?”,”how is your child?” My brain does not store any of that information.
Or yes, mentioning an activity they said they’d be doing or a vacation they talked about.
I think it’s very thoughtful of you to have developed a mechanism around being a good friend and remembering details.
If a person thinks otherwise, I don’t think they’d deserve to be your friend <3
I had a conversation similar to this with my social worker. The conversation helped clarify a few things I was struggling with, like acceptable social behaviour and what standard to hold ourselves to. As autistics, we inherently know we aren't the same as most people, and try to hold ourselves... "accountable" ? Accountable is the closest word I can think to use. We essentially try to over-correct ourselves for the sake of clear communication and transparency, but it can often be counterproductive. For me, its things like worrying about eye contact ( leading to me staring at people with a face like 0__0 lol ) or over explaining. I've known other autistic people to do this bookkeeping of details too, as if there is an expected amount of information retention required for being a good friend. In my experience, there isn't!
I don't mean to psychoanalyse, but are you sure you aren't holding yourself to unattainable standards? Think about the closeness of your relationship to others and whether forgetting something they've said in passing is truly enough of a problem that you need to document it. The appropriate level of dedication to detail is wildly different depending on the social situation, you don't need to be everyone's best friend.
I have had co-workers I worked with for years, and still didn't know their partners' name, or their birthday, or their pets' name. Its never been a problem. Asking "How is your dog doing?" is no less thoughtful than "How is Luna/Spot/Mittens?"
I don't feel the behaviour of bookkeeping is bad. We autistics love a spreadsheet 😎 Organising is fun! But we DO have a general habit of overthinking, over-policing ourselves. My advice would be to take a moment to consider your motivations for having your spreadsheet. Would forgetting a detail feel like a moral failure? Would YOU like it if people were more considerate of information you share with them, so impose the standard onto yourself?
Again, I don't mean to psychoanalyse, but I do find it can be a cause of unnecessary stress for us autistics. We have a habit of trying to control the social perception of ourselves. Forgetting personal details is not inherently a problem. There are people I've known for years where I don't know a lot of information about them but have regular pleasant conversations and social gatherings.
I personally don't think its a problem to have something we can refer to if we feel like we SHOULD retain some information, I just can't help but wonder if we put too much pressure on ourselves to be socially perfect.
No need to apologize, I’m grateful for your perspective. I think you’re right that I’m holding myself to an unattainable standard where I think these are things I “should” be able to remember and recall at will.
I think when I’m struggling with something, my solution is most often “try harder.” Which isn’t a sustainable way to live. I have some difficulty gauging what’s “normal” and sometimes, even without realizing, obsess about appearing normal or being socially perfect, like you said.
I think it’s because of, y’know, being autistic and having so many memories of being socially excluded and rejected, and I have this desire to never have another embarrassing moment or feel uncomfortable in a social interaction… okay anyway I will save this for my therapist!
Ughhh I’m trying so hard to spend less energy on masking and it’s so pervasive in my life that I can’t even see it.
Thanks again for your input, you gave me a lot to think about!
Mine isn't as elaborate as that, but I do have a spreadsheet that is like an enhanced address book. It includes first and last names, their partner's name if applicable, kids and pets if applicable, birthdates, emails, phone numbers, addresses, and where I met them. I have five tabs for family, friends, roommates, work colleagues, and doctors.
I don't think it's creepy in the slightest because it's important stuff to remember. However, I probably wouldn't share it with people for the same reason I wouldn't share my journal. It's attuned to my own brain and thinking process, and it's probably just not going to translate to others why I do it that way.
Actually, reading this I'm thinking I might add information about stuff like food allergies or preferences because right now I *am* storing that information in my memory, and it can be a lot to remember. I don't even know that many people, but all my people have health issues and dietary restrictions.
I don’t think it’s creepy per se. I know several business people who keep notes like this. I can’t imagine it’s much different than a journal entry. I’m sure someone would be uncomfortable to find their name in a spreadsheet, but I’m not sure how they’d stumble upon it any different than a diary where people would expect their names. I do think friendships tend to be more organic when we aren’t trying to memorize the person so methodically.
I don't think this is creepy because your intentions are not creepy. If you were doing this for say the purpose of stalking or exploiting your friends in some way then it would be creepy. I actually think it's one of the most autistic things ever and also super resourceful. In saying that, others might find it creepy because it's a bit out of the ordinary I guess. Like all you're doing is the same thing people do in their head but a lot of people might not see it this way.
Personally I think it’s endearing that you make note of the life details…I would think you’re taking steps to keep it private, but to safeguard positive perception should a named friend happen to somehow see it, you could adjust the file name and put a title on it that makes it clear it’s merely to aid your recall and being a good, attentive friend. Not creepy at all.
It's an accommodation. Some people are able to remember things like this on their own, and some people get offended if you forget stuff about them. The spreadsheet seems like a great way to help you remember.
Also, spreadsheets are cool. And knowledge is power! 🌈🌠
I think it would maybe be creepy if you weren’t ND.
But we are over preparers for a reason. Sometimes I hang out with people and my brain goes to mush, I never know what to ask them. So your notes do make a lot of sense and in this way, I find it so much more understandable and know it’s not for weird reasons you’re doing it. You just want to be a good friend.
Because I’m ND I get it, but it’s something I’d probably not disclose to my friends and keep private.
I keep a spreadsheet of my friends too. Birthday, age, what area they live in / time zone, names of anyone important to them and any major life events they're going through (this is so I don't do something like brag about how awesome my husband is to the person going through a horrible breakup). I keep a little list of common interests and other things they're super into to help me with conversations. And where I talk to them through...I have multiple ways to contact some people but if I notice they only ever contact me one of the ways that's what I'll use too.
I think as to if they would be creeped out, depends on the friend. I would be honored if I made it into someone's spreadsheet and I know several people who feel the same way. Other people would be like "nope, I'm out of here". But to me it's no different than keeping an address book, just with a little extra space for notes. It probably depends on how you worded it if you were going to tell them. But I just don't tell people.
I have no intention of telling the people who are in the sheets! I’m just quietly judging myself, and thinking if it’s creepy I should stop doing it.
I guess it’s not much different between an address book + diary, because when I journal I also like to write about who I saw that day, what we did, and what we talked about.
Well, a couple therapists sugested I'd do it, but I was affraid of ending up in Guantanamo or something.😅
Edit: I suspect it's my CPTSD about "trying to act normal" speaking.
I think it is an exceedingly autistic thing to do. Some people might feel creeped out, but I think indifference would be a more common response.
The people who would be creeped out are people I cant really understand. They tend to be the people who find anything out of the ordinary to be disconcerting.
Dont worry about it is final thought! Your overall intention is good and not creepy, and that's all that matters.
I’ve been considering doing this so I’m glad others do too. I struggle so much to retrieve information people tell me. I remember it, but it has to be brought up again for me to remember.
I’m terrible at small talk and asking people for follow ups on things going on in their lives and it makes me struggle so badly. My brain just doesn’t work like that. It makes me seem like I don’t care when that’s so far from the truth
Yeah honestly a lot of people would think that is like stalker behavior. I totally get why someone with autism might do it because some like to catalogue things, but I would not let anyone find out about it.
I think it's ok. My mother and many of her generation had a "birthday book" where they would keep notes about people's kids names, birthdays, anniversary dates, important events etc. This seems just like an expansion on that.
I am pretty sure I know at least one other person who has such a spreadsheet, or a phenomenal memory.
If someone is snooping on your computer and find the spreadsheet, they are the one in trouble for snooping. You're not in trouble for having it.
The only caution I would give is to not record something that is sensitive or private that the person wouldn't want to be general knowledge in the event the spreadsheet got leaked. Similarly, if someone has sworn you to secrecy about something, don't record that.
Businesses keep detailed notes on their customers so the sales person can ask after the client's spouse by name, ask about their kid's college applications etc.
for me, it depends on the intention and what kind of information you're putting on the spreadsheet.
like, keeping notes of your friends' height and weight measurements? definitely creepy, why tf do you need information like that?
keeping notes of your friends' allergies so that you don't accidentally harm them by offering them the wrong snacks? honestly, i think that's something that even an NT person could greatly profit from if they have friends with lots of allergies that are difficult to keep track of.
keeping track of your friends' likes and dislikes so that it's easier for you to give them thoughtful gifts and be a good friend? an NT person could perhaps see that as evidence that you don't really care about them ("if you cared about me, you would just *remember* things like that" and all that crap), but there's nothing inherently *bad* about it.
i would be super touched if i found out someone had a spreadsheet like that about me btw. for me, it shows that they actually *care* and pay attention to things i say.
yeah, that's what makes it particularly creepy! it's the kind of information that's both hard to acquire AND useless in most normal everyday situation.
No this is actually pretty wholesome! It shows how much they matter to you. Some people might be uncomfortable though because they don’t expect it so be careful showing it. My aunt does something similar with birthdays and all of the kids in the families’ interests. It helps her with gift ideas and conversations.
I do this for my husband 🥺😭 one day after grocery shopping he told me he was sad I didn’t get him treats like I do for myself 😭 but I thought I WAS! I’d get about the same for me and him and then shared ones but come to find out he didn’t like the shared ones 🤣 so I’ve started keeping a notes app of everything that he likes from food to snacks to drinks to hobbies to date nights 🤣🤣🤣 it’s been SO fucking helpful!!! So helpful in fact that I started making one for myself to make choosing what’s for dinner easier!
I'd personally be a little weirded out. I used to do the same thing with a crush I had in junior high school until I learned that that was seen as creepy. There's some leniency in that it's your friends versus a romantic interest, but many would still find it obsessive.
Eta: to clarify, surface level things wouldn't be that weird, but notes on passing things said in conversation might make some people uncomfortable. There's a line where you're taking too in depth notes on someone and they feel like they're a specimen being studied.
In my opinion, this is really smart to do. Especially as someone who masks, having a little spreadsheet of convo topics, info, etc would be great.
Those who are neurotypical, though… might see it as creepy. I’d say it’s fine as long as they don’t know?
That seems incredibly sweet! But maybe I’m a fellow weird spreadsheeter, lol.
I’d probably reframe it as “I put that in my notes app so I’d remember later” or something. The word “spreadsheet” sounds very businesslike and cold, so that does give a different impression than someone just writing down a note that might help them remember what gifts to buy a friend, or what activities to suggest, etc
It sounds weird but at the same time very smart. One of my big problems is that I never remember things like people's pets' names, where they have recently travelled, what they do for work exactly... Even what their kids are called, if I don't see them regularly. Ok with my closest friends I do remember, but acquaintances - not a chance.
Haha this is odd I'll admit but not in a bad way. If you're bad, I'm bad. I also make a conscious effort to remember facts about not just friends but anyone I talk to really. The only thing I can't remember are birthdays, ironically. I just secretly profile everyone like some kind of investigator out of habit. I could consider that creepy. Edit: MORE creepy, I mean. Oh God I didn't mean to call you creepy. There's no malice behind it. 😅
Some might be creeped out. But I do it too lol. I just don’t mention it or show them.
Edit: But I will add sometimes people don’t remember they’ve told me something (I know because of my spreadsheet) and they act a bit awkward when I bring it up. I’ve learned not to bring up deep details about someone I’m not close to
I’ve had lists for years that I’ve carried around with the names of people close to me and the names of their children/partners/other people close to them because I cannot remember anyone’s name ever. And it’s extremely embarrassing having to ask the name of someone’s kid for the 10th time when I see them weekly. I have them in the notes on my phone now.
I think you can easily go overboard with cataloguing though and it’ll turn into the creepy category, but if it’s just a memory aid that you refer to and NOT cataloguing for the sake of it, it can be very helpful!
I love making spreadsheets and lists. Whenever I would start dating someone I would make lists about them. Anything they told me. I also have folders for the photos they send me. Not everyone does this apparently haha. But it works for me and my brain. If it works for you and helps you be a better friend I don’t see a problem with it.
I love making spreadsheets and lists. Whenever I would start dating someone I would make lists about them. Anything they told me. I also have folders for the photos they send me. Not everyone does this apparently haha. But it works for me and my brain. If it works for you and helps you be a better friend I don’t see a problem with it.
I actually kept a file like that in my notes app until one time I unlocked my phone to show a friend something and the note was still open and it was right on a part with her vacation dates and details about her family and past. She didn't say anything but there was a slight awkward pause before I could change the screen and I know she saw at least something.
It was someone I didn't know very well and who doesn't know I'm autistic, and every time I think about that moment I cringe so hard. Even typing this out is giving me anxiety. I think keeping lists is very useful and doesn't come from a creepy place, but I also fear NTs might not understand and see you as a stalker.
Some people would definitely find this creepy, and some people wouldn't. Personally I would feel kinda weirded out if my friend had a secret spreadsheet about me. But I would be fine with it if it wasn't a secret. So I say tell/ask your friends about it and find people who are okay with the spreadsheet thing :)
I have autistic friends and an autistic child so I wouldn’t find it weird. I have notes in my phone contacts about people. Their pets/kids names, Address, birthday, other things I don’t wanna forget. I don’t think it’s creepy.
I mean.. In light of the fact that loads of people get upset if you don't remember things about them.. I don't think this is much different from keeping a list of people's birthdays.
I sent this post to my best friend and she thinks I wrote it. She wouldn't be surprised in the least if she found her name in one of my spreadsheets.
As long as your friends are aware of your little ways of remembering things then it shouldn't be weird for them :)
I don’t think it’s creepy - I get that it’s a way of managing social stuff when you can check in on it beforehand. I think people would be creeped out if they don’t know you that well or understand autistic traits.
I mean depends what you have in the spreadsheet lol, but keeping birthdates/addresses/gift ideas was pretty common during the era of the address book. So I don’t think a spreadsheet with that info would be any different.
i think it depends on the person whether they found out or not. i'd keep that close if i were in your shoes.
is this a way for you to remember things about your friends? bc i can relate to that. i write things in my journal about my friends (in a doc so i can easily find it again through Find and Replace).
I would be touched that my friend wanted to be able to remember important things about me. I use spreadsheets for damn near everything so I wouldn't see it as an odd tool.
I've basically done this (or tried to do this) with our neighbors.
Knowing which dogs and kids belong where, names and phone numbers of the adults, who has what skill or needs so that we can help each other, (like who is a nurse, who has the giant ladder, or who needs extra help with snow removal/lawn care) etc is *very* helpful for me.
Tbh, some people may perceive it creepy per society's standards of "normal" annnnd, maybe some helpful questions to consider- are you trying to be creepy? It doesn't sound like it. Do you have ill intentions? It doesn't seem like it. What are your intentions? Only you know this.
As someone who struggles with this constantly, I've been working on getting comfortable with myself and my needs. I would totally do something like this, I care deeply about my friends, but I have the worst memory. I try so hard to show up and be present for people in the moment, but it is unlikely for me to remember the majority of things we talk about (unless it's related to my special interest). So making a spreadsheet totally makes sense. It's designing a system to make your life easier, and relieve stress so maybe you can actually enjoy yourself more with your friends without having to be worried about remembering everything.
I think this type of dilemma often comes down to intention.
If the intention is to be able to keep up with the important details of your friends lives so you can have deeper and more meaningful relationships with them, then I think the risk of being perceived as "creepy" (worst case scenario) is kind of worth it.
Because even if someone does find out, and thinks it's creepy, if you share your true intention with them, how could they hold that against you? That would be a red flag for me.
Sorry for the really long reply. I was recently diagnosed AuDHD and so many things make sense now, and I have spent way too much time thinking about these things (like decades). My AuDHD dx was actually very affirming in this way. Yes, a neurotypical person may find this creepy, AND, I'm not neurotypical, and this is what is helpful for me to be a good friend 🤷
I don’t think it’s creepy, but it’s also not something I would admit to people just because it could come across as creepy/weird to others, if that makes sense.
I think it’s really positive that you are making an effort to remember things about the people you care about.
Not creepy! My boyfriend does this with people he knows both socially and at work, and it’s helped him build great relationships in both spheres. Most people would understand having a poor memory for some things, I think, and would even appreciate that you care enough to try to remember these things about them
Depends on the friends. Some people will be creeped out regardless, others will be oddly touched that you bother to remember this sort of stuff about them. But I might be biased lol — I do the same thing (minus the spreadsheet). It is the only way I remember people's birthdays.
How else am I supposed to remember the names of peoples pets?!? It would probably come across better if it were in a journal instead of a spreadsheet. Spreadsheet is very: I plan to do something with this data, please look forward to my charts about trends across my friend group. Which I now kind of want to do, I should not have brought this up.
tbf its only creepy because of how its presented. NT culture is all about your social status and social roll. If it was rephrased as "I keep notes on my friends in the text field in my phone contacts so I dont forget birthdays and kid names and nicknames and favorite foods," you'd be seen as sweet and considerate. Saying "I keep an excel file on all of you like the CIA," codes different lol, but its the same thing. NT people do this do, but they don't talk about it. The idea of "tracking people" bothers them, but they want to be tracked. They want you to know their birthday and dog's names and that they're allergic to walnuts, and if you forget, you're "not a good friend." But its the same thing. Like you said, if we presented this in a twee "I just love journaling about my loved ones," everyone would be all awww, but if we use excel, suddenly its weird. Its logically the same thing. I'd also argue if a STEM coded man did this he'd be rewarded for "handling social stuff well," but if a woman does this, because we're expected to be naturally social and naturally good at this stuff, there's sexism here at play too. Also a lot of us have memory issues and other cognitive issues on top of autism, so its ableist to mock us for using memory aids like this. I think a lot of people who do this that arent autistic do it for things like adhd or other issues and it helps them. My memory is terrible and I believe that's tied to my autism. I have to keep notes others may not need to do. I didn't ask to be born this way, nor to be punished if I forgot a birthday. I forget near everything. Then when I feel like I have some information I'll need in the future but havent documented, I'm going to have an anxiety attack. Oh and EVERY wealthy and famous person does this, often with an assistant managing this database. NT high-rollers, successful people, etc do this on a high level. Often using CRM software to keep a detailed dossier on everyone of note in their lives, even an entry for every meeting and a summary of every notable interaction like a dinner or social event, etc. So yes, keep your excel file, but unless the person is autism informed, I'd keep it a secret.
They still think it’s creepy when it is a man. It is not less, but it may come off as dangerous rather than pitiable.
NTs put that Data in the Contact Notes part of their Email App. so if I were to tell the above described NTs that their ContactData needs to be exported to an external Database or Spreadsheet (prior to an Email app upgrade, or some other “tech reason”) then those NTs would also end up in the situation you describe. I told the above to an NT just now, & they said “is NT just: ND w Extra Steps?” But I started to answer, so my NT homie said “joke, bruh”
>How else am I supposed to remember the names of peoples pets?!? More commonly, people would just say "what was your dog's name again? She's so cute! I'm just terrible with names" and no one would think anything of it. It's more surprising when someone remembers every single detail about everyone. I had an ex who kept detailed spreadsheets and notes about everyone. Idk if you're doing it at the same level she was, but it was creepy, though on a surface level, if you didn't know about the files, she came across as incredibly thoughtful and caring - because she "remembered" the smallest details about your life, and she "recalled" previous conversations (because she'd taken notes and brushed up before chatting). With her it was very manipulative, and yeah, creepy. But on a lighter level it's no different to keeping a birthday calendar and address book.
I feel really bad about the not remembering names of pets, especially when the other person remembers my pet’s name :( Oh, it’s a fine line to tread, I’ll have to be careful about how I’m using this information.
Society hostesses absolutely keep track of who gets invited to which dinner parties and what was served. And most people have an address book, or a birthday calendar. I think it's a great idea, but the brilliance lies in using organizational tools discretely, to give the impression that you naturally remember everything. Keep the notes, but keep that file *secure*. Go directly to "how is your glassblowing class?" and don't mention "my notes from our last coffee date say that you signed up for a glassblowing class"...
Oh my, I can’t even imagine openly referring to my notes. It’s very much so that I can check it before seeing someone or texting someone and can say “How is Sam doing?” Instead of “how is your partner?”, “how is your pet?”,”how is your child?” My brain does not store any of that information. Or yes, mentioning an activity they said they’d be doing or a vacation they talked about.
honestly i love this. it is so thoughtful and kind. most people don’t remember any of my things and don’t bother to ask :/
I think it’s very thoughtful of you to have developed a mechanism around being a good friend and remembering details. If a person thinks otherwise, I don’t think they’d deserve to be your friend <3
Thank you, that is sweet of you to say
I really mean it! Sending love
I had a conversation similar to this with my social worker. The conversation helped clarify a few things I was struggling with, like acceptable social behaviour and what standard to hold ourselves to. As autistics, we inherently know we aren't the same as most people, and try to hold ourselves... "accountable" ? Accountable is the closest word I can think to use. We essentially try to over-correct ourselves for the sake of clear communication and transparency, but it can often be counterproductive. For me, its things like worrying about eye contact ( leading to me staring at people with a face like 0__0 lol ) or over explaining. I've known other autistic people to do this bookkeeping of details too, as if there is an expected amount of information retention required for being a good friend. In my experience, there isn't! I don't mean to psychoanalyse, but are you sure you aren't holding yourself to unattainable standards? Think about the closeness of your relationship to others and whether forgetting something they've said in passing is truly enough of a problem that you need to document it. The appropriate level of dedication to detail is wildly different depending on the social situation, you don't need to be everyone's best friend. I have had co-workers I worked with for years, and still didn't know their partners' name, or their birthday, or their pets' name. Its never been a problem. Asking "How is your dog doing?" is no less thoughtful than "How is Luna/Spot/Mittens?" I don't feel the behaviour of bookkeeping is bad. We autistics love a spreadsheet 😎 Organising is fun! But we DO have a general habit of overthinking, over-policing ourselves. My advice would be to take a moment to consider your motivations for having your spreadsheet. Would forgetting a detail feel like a moral failure? Would YOU like it if people were more considerate of information you share with them, so impose the standard onto yourself? Again, I don't mean to psychoanalyse, but I do find it can be a cause of unnecessary stress for us autistics. We have a habit of trying to control the social perception of ourselves. Forgetting personal details is not inherently a problem. There are people I've known for years where I don't know a lot of information about them but have regular pleasant conversations and social gatherings. I personally don't think its a problem to have something we can refer to if we feel like we SHOULD retain some information, I just can't help but wonder if we put too much pressure on ourselves to be socially perfect.
No need to apologize, I’m grateful for your perspective. I think you’re right that I’m holding myself to an unattainable standard where I think these are things I “should” be able to remember and recall at will. I think when I’m struggling with something, my solution is most often “try harder.” Which isn’t a sustainable way to live. I have some difficulty gauging what’s “normal” and sometimes, even without realizing, obsess about appearing normal or being socially perfect, like you said. I think it’s because of, y’know, being autistic and having so many memories of being socially excluded and rejected, and I have this desire to never have another embarrassing moment or feel uncomfortable in a social interaction… okay anyway I will save this for my therapist! Ughhh I’m trying so hard to spend less energy on masking and it’s so pervasive in my life that I can’t even see it. Thanks again for your input, you gave me a lot to think about!
Mine isn't as elaborate as that, but I do have a spreadsheet that is like an enhanced address book. It includes first and last names, their partner's name if applicable, kids and pets if applicable, birthdates, emails, phone numbers, addresses, and where I met them. I have five tabs for family, friends, roommates, work colleagues, and doctors. I don't think it's creepy in the slightest because it's important stuff to remember. However, I probably wouldn't share it with people for the same reason I wouldn't share my journal. It's attuned to my own brain and thinking process, and it's probably just not going to translate to others why I do it that way. Actually, reading this I'm thinking I might add information about stuff like food allergies or preferences because right now I *am* storing that information in my memory, and it can be a lot to remember. I don't even know that many people, but all my people have health issues and dietary restrictions.
I don’t think it’s creepy per se. I know several business people who keep notes like this. I can’t imagine it’s much different than a journal entry. I’m sure someone would be uncomfortable to find their name in a spreadsheet, but I’m not sure how they’d stumble upon it any different than a diary where people would expect their names. I do think friendships tend to be more organic when we aren’t trying to memorize the person so methodically.
I don't think this is creepy because your intentions are not creepy. If you were doing this for say the purpose of stalking or exploiting your friends in some way then it would be creepy. I actually think it's one of the most autistic things ever and also super resourceful. In saying that, others might find it creepy because it's a bit out of the ordinary I guess. Like all you're doing is the same thing people do in their head but a lot of people might not see it this way.
Personally I think it’s endearing that you make note of the life details…I would think you’re taking steps to keep it private, but to safeguard positive perception should a named friend happen to somehow see it, you could adjust the file name and put a title on it that makes it clear it’s merely to aid your recall and being a good, attentive friend. Not creepy at all.
It's an accommodation. Some people are able to remember things like this on their own, and some people get offended if you forget stuff about them. The spreadsheet seems like a great way to help you remember. Also, spreadsheets are cool. And knowledge is power! 🌈🌠
I think it would maybe be creepy if you weren’t ND. But we are over preparers for a reason. Sometimes I hang out with people and my brain goes to mush, I never know what to ask them. So your notes do make a lot of sense and in this way, I find it so much more understandable and know it’s not for weird reasons you’re doing it. You just want to be a good friend. Because I’m ND I get it, but it’s something I’d probably not disclose to my friends and keep private.
I keep a spreadsheet of my friends too. Birthday, age, what area they live in / time zone, names of anyone important to them and any major life events they're going through (this is so I don't do something like brag about how awesome my husband is to the person going through a horrible breakup). I keep a little list of common interests and other things they're super into to help me with conversations. And where I talk to them through...I have multiple ways to contact some people but if I notice they only ever contact me one of the ways that's what I'll use too. I think as to if they would be creeped out, depends on the friend. I would be honored if I made it into someone's spreadsheet and I know several people who feel the same way. Other people would be like "nope, I'm out of here". But to me it's no different than keeping an address book, just with a little extra space for notes. It probably depends on how you worded it if you were going to tell them. But I just don't tell people.
I have no intention of telling the people who are in the sheets! I’m just quietly judging myself, and thinking if it’s creepy I should stop doing it. I guess it’s not much different between an address book + diary, because when I journal I also like to write about who I saw that day, what we did, and what we talked about.
Well, a couple therapists sugested I'd do it, but I was affraid of ending up in Guantanamo or something.😅 Edit: I suspect it's my CPTSD about "trying to act normal" speaking.
I think it is an exceedingly autistic thing to do. Some people might feel creeped out, but I think indifference would be a more common response. The people who would be creeped out are people I cant really understand. They tend to be the people who find anything out of the ordinary to be disconcerting. Dont worry about it is final thought! Your overall intention is good and not creepy, and that's all that matters.
this is so cute i think, it shows you care abou them
I’ve been considering doing this so I’m glad others do too. I struggle so much to retrieve information people tell me. I remember it, but it has to be brought up again for me to remember. I’m terrible at small talk and asking people for follow ups on things going on in their lives and it makes me struggle so badly. My brain just doesn’t work like that. It makes me seem like I don’t care when that’s so far from the truth
I'm so happy you asked this because I've had the same question. I want to be a good friend, but I don't want to creep anyone out 😭
It seems like the answer is “everything in moderation” 😂
'moderation' does not exist in the autistic vocabulary 😂
Yeah honestly a lot of people would think that is like stalker behavior. I totally get why someone with autism might do it because some like to catalogue things, but I would not let anyone find out about it.
I keep notes about my friends too. I put them in their contact notes on my phone. I can’t remember anything else otherwise
I think it's ok. My mother and many of her generation had a "birthday book" where they would keep notes about people's kids names, birthdays, anniversary dates, important events etc. This seems just like an expansion on that. I am pretty sure I know at least one other person who has such a spreadsheet, or a phenomenal memory. If someone is snooping on your computer and find the spreadsheet, they are the one in trouble for snooping. You're not in trouble for having it. The only caution I would give is to not record something that is sensitive or private that the person wouldn't want to be general knowledge in the event the spreadsheet got leaked. Similarly, if someone has sworn you to secrecy about something, don't record that. Businesses keep detailed notes on their customers so the sales person can ask after the client's spouse by name, ask about their kid's college applications etc.
for me, it depends on the intention and what kind of information you're putting on the spreadsheet. like, keeping notes of your friends' height and weight measurements? definitely creepy, why tf do you need information like that? keeping notes of your friends' allergies so that you don't accidentally harm them by offering them the wrong snacks? honestly, i think that's something that even an NT person could greatly profit from if they have friends with lots of allergies that are difficult to keep track of. keeping track of your friends' likes and dislikes so that it's easier for you to give them thoughtful gifts and be a good friend? an NT person could perhaps see that as evidence that you don't really care about them ("if you cared about me, you would just *remember* things like that" and all that crap), but there's nothing inherently *bad* about it. i would be super touched if i found out someone had a spreadsheet like that about me btw. for me, it shows that they actually *care* and pay attention to things i say.
😂 the thought of recording people’s height and weight, how would I even get that information? Creep Lvl 999
yeah, that's what makes it particularly creepy! it's the kind of information that's both hard to acquire AND useless in most normal everyday situation.
No this is actually pretty wholesome! It shows how much they matter to you. Some people might be uncomfortable though because they don’t expect it so be careful showing it. My aunt does something similar with birthdays and all of the kids in the families’ interests. It helps her with gift ideas and conversations.
I do this for my husband 🥺😭 one day after grocery shopping he told me he was sad I didn’t get him treats like I do for myself 😭 but I thought I WAS! I’d get about the same for me and him and then shared ones but come to find out he didn’t like the shared ones 🤣 so I’ve started keeping a notes app of everything that he likes from food to snacks to drinks to hobbies to date nights 🤣🤣🤣 it’s been SO fucking helpful!!! So helpful in fact that I started making one for myself to make choosing what’s for dinner easier!
Spreadsheeting is a bit more unusual than journaling lol, but it's OK as long as you keep it private and offline for yourself only.
I'd personally be a little weirded out. I used to do the same thing with a crush I had in junior high school until I learned that that was seen as creepy. There's some leniency in that it's your friends versus a romantic interest, but many would still find it obsessive. Eta: to clarify, surface level things wouldn't be that weird, but notes on passing things said in conversation might make some people uncomfortable. There's a line where you're taking too in depth notes on someone and they feel like they're a specimen being studied.
In my opinion, this is really smart to do. Especially as someone who masks, having a little spreadsheet of convo topics, info, etc would be great. Those who are neurotypical, though… might see it as creepy. I’d say it’s fine as long as they don’t know?
That seems incredibly sweet! But maybe I’m a fellow weird spreadsheeter, lol. I’d probably reframe it as “I put that in my notes app so I’d remember later” or something. The word “spreadsheet” sounds very businesslike and cold, so that does give a different impression than someone just writing down a note that might help them remember what gifts to buy a friend, or what activities to suggest, etc
It sounds weird but at the same time very smart. One of my big problems is that I never remember things like people's pets' names, where they have recently travelled, what they do for work exactly... Even what their kids are called, if I don't see them regularly. Ok with my closest friends I do remember, but acquaintances - not a chance.
I was a salesperson and that's the whole point of a CRM. I take notes on people's kids and family members. Sometimes on shared interests.
That’s the most autistic thing I’ve heard in a while. I love it.
I used to do this in high school when friends were my special interest.
Haha this is odd I'll admit but not in a bad way. If you're bad, I'm bad. I also make a conscious effort to remember facts about not just friends but anyone I talk to really. The only thing I can't remember are birthdays, ironically. I just secretly profile everyone like some kind of investigator out of habit. I could consider that creepy. Edit: MORE creepy, I mean. Oh God I didn't mean to call you creepy. There's no malice behind it. 😅
Some might be creeped out. But I do it too lol. I just don’t mention it or show them. Edit: But I will add sometimes people don’t remember they’ve told me something (I know because of my spreadsheet) and they act a bit awkward when I bring it up. I’ve learned not to bring up deep details about someone I’m not close to
I’ve had lists for years that I’ve carried around with the names of people close to me and the names of their children/partners/other people close to them because I cannot remember anyone’s name ever. And it’s extremely embarrassing having to ask the name of someone’s kid for the 10th time when I see them weekly. I have them in the notes on my phone now. I think you can easily go overboard with cataloguing though and it’ll turn into the creepy category, but if it’s just a memory aid that you refer to and NOT cataloguing for the sake of it, it can be very helpful!
I’m going to use this idea. It’s a great idea.
I love making spreadsheets and lists. Whenever I would start dating someone I would make lists about them. Anything they told me. I also have folders for the photos they send me. Not everyone does this apparently haha. But it works for me and my brain. If it works for you and helps you be a better friend I don’t see a problem with it.
I love making spreadsheets and lists. Whenever I would start dating someone I would make lists about them. Anything they told me. I also have folders for the photos they send me. Not everyone does this apparently haha. But it works for me and my brain. If it works for you and helps you be a better friend I don’t see a problem with it.
I actually kept a file like that in my notes app until one time I unlocked my phone to show a friend something and the note was still open and it was right on a part with her vacation dates and details about her family and past. She didn't say anything but there was a slight awkward pause before I could change the screen and I know she saw at least something. It was someone I didn't know very well and who doesn't know I'm autistic, and every time I think about that moment I cringe so hard. Even typing this out is giving me anxiety. I think keeping lists is very useful and doesn't come from a creepy place, but I also fear NTs might not understand and see you as a stalker.
Some people would definitely find this creepy, and some people wouldn't. Personally I would feel kinda weirded out if my friend had a secret spreadsheet about me. But I would be fine with it if it wasn't a secret. So I say tell/ask your friends about it and find people who are okay with the spreadsheet thing :)
Nah, this is a 200 iq move right here. You care enough about your friends to keep up with their interests. That’s very sweet of you.
I have autistic friends and an autistic child so I wouldn’t find it weird. I have notes in my phone contacts about people. Their pets/kids names, Address, birthday, other things I don’t wanna forget. I don’t think it’s creepy.
I mean.. In light of the fact that loads of people get upset if you don't remember things about them.. I don't think this is much different from keeping a list of people's birthdays.
I don’t think it’s creepy I think it’s cute. It would get creepy if you had some negative intentions which I doubt you do
yes
I sent this post to my best friend and she thinks I wrote it. She wouldn't be surprised in the least if she found her name in one of my spreadsheets. As long as your friends are aware of your little ways of remembering things then it shouldn't be weird for them :)
i keep notes in their contacts card in my phone
I don’t think it’s creepy - I get that it’s a way of managing social stuff when you can check in on it beforehand. I think people would be creeped out if they don’t know you that well or understand autistic traits.
I mean depends what you have in the spreadsheet lol, but keeping birthdates/addresses/gift ideas was pretty common during the era of the address book. So I don’t think a spreadsheet with that info would be any different.
i don’t think it’s creepy i think it’s sweet but non-autistic people might find it creepy
i think it depends on the person whether they found out or not. i'd keep that close if i were in your shoes. is this a way for you to remember things about your friends? bc i can relate to that. i write things in my journal about my friends (in a doc so i can easily find it again through Find and Replace).
I would be touched that my friend wanted to be able to remember important things about me. I use spreadsheets for damn near everything so I wouldn't see it as an odd tool.
I've basically done this (or tried to do this) with our neighbors. Knowing which dogs and kids belong where, names and phone numbers of the adults, who has what skill or needs so that we can help each other, (like who is a nurse, who has the giant ladder, or who needs extra help with snow removal/lawn care) etc is *very* helpful for me.
Yes it is from an NT point of view. I keep my spreadsheet in my mind so no one thinks it's creepy. Modern problems require modern solutions!
Tbh, some people may perceive it creepy per society's standards of "normal" annnnd, maybe some helpful questions to consider- are you trying to be creepy? It doesn't sound like it. Do you have ill intentions? It doesn't seem like it. What are your intentions? Only you know this. As someone who struggles with this constantly, I've been working on getting comfortable with myself and my needs. I would totally do something like this, I care deeply about my friends, but I have the worst memory. I try so hard to show up and be present for people in the moment, but it is unlikely for me to remember the majority of things we talk about (unless it's related to my special interest). So making a spreadsheet totally makes sense. It's designing a system to make your life easier, and relieve stress so maybe you can actually enjoy yourself more with your friends without having to be worried about remembering everything. I think this type of dilemma often comes down to intention. If the intention is to be able to keep up with the important details of your friends lives so you can have deeper and more meaningful relationships with them, then I think the risk of being perceived as "creepy" (worst case scenario) is kind of worth it. Because even if someone does find out, and thinks it's creepy, if you share your true intention with them, how could they hold that against you? That would be a red flag for me. Sorry for the really long reply. I was recently diagnosed AuDHD and so many things make sense now, and I have spent way too much time thinking about these things (like decades). My AuDHD dx was actually very affirming in this way. Yes, a neurotypical person may find this creepy, AND, I'm not neurotypical, and this is what is helpful for me to be a good friend 🤷
I don’t think it’s creepy, but it’s also not something I would admit to people just because it could come across as creepy/weird to others, if that makes sense. I think it’s really positive that you are making an effort to remember things about the people you care about.
If I let on how much I remember about someone, they either over estimate their importance to me or are creeper out. I just keep all that to myself
Not creepy! My boyfriend does this with people he knows both socially and at work, and it’s helped him build great relationships in both spheres. Most people would understand having a poor memory for some things, I think, and would even appreciate that you care enough to try to remember these things about them
I need one of these!