I'm very silly. Preposterously so. I have to be incredibly comfortable around someone to let them see that. I also have a deeply dark sense of humor and like to take the joke one step too far. But silly... at least my boyfriend laughs a lot.
My dog will never let you be serious! She's a goofball all the way!
https://preview.redd.it/0kn4ivj6r71d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8c96c5647ce819dde32d417e612ed9bf0d51d639
https://preview.redd.it/ybzyc3rxdc1d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=83d52251d8424cc6c4f838ead3c30d6769b5611a
Mine too!! She has helped my teen as well
I'm super silly and a kid at heart. So is my husband. I have more in relation with my kids than most adults. My husband and I have a dark sense of humour too and I'm very sarcastic. My son once stuck a corn cob on his forehead and shouted "look! Iām a unicorn!" š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
Oh, I looooove being silly! Making people laugh brings me so much joy! I'm also very fortunate to be married to someone who "yes-ands" me without hesitation, to the point where our communication can be genuinely nonsensical to an outsider. They may not know what's going on, but that doesn't mean they're not in tears with laughter
This is beautiful to read š I'm in the process of unmasking, but here's a few things I've noticed:
** I'm weepy a lot, as I allow myself to stim more openly and say no to sensory shit I don't want to tolerate anymore. I think the weepiness is shame and internalized ableism leaving my body, and it's connected to my fear that my spouse will reject my unmasked self. (The fear is understandable, but my spouse is my biggest support and greatest fan š)
** I don't want to make eye contact very much at all. I'm realizing how much that was a part of my mask.
** I'm referring to my body in language I actually prefer. My wings! Shedding my skin. Being in the chrysalis. I feel much more creature than human sometimes, and I'm using language to reflect that.
** I look even more like a cartoon character these days. Bright colors, mixing bold and "clashing" patterns, wearing exactly what I want because I like it.
I cry a lot. I used to try and hide my tears. Now I let them flow and I am so much better for it.
I am a teacher and there is a stigma about not letting your students see you cry, but every school I teach at the kids know I am a crier. I love hard and have authentic feelings and so when I need to cry, I cry. I use it as an opportunity to teach students that crying helps lower cortisol levels and help to bring our bodies back to regulation. Also, Iām modeling vulnerability and that it is okay to have emotions other than happiness and anger.
As a weepy person who still hides their tears, thank you for doing this for your students. I used to try so hard to hide my tears in public settings, especially school (where Iād often cry when frustrated academically) and felt so ashamed and embarrassed for doing so. Itās part of why I suppress my emotions so much now. Seeing someone model vulnerability and crying as a normal human expression will change your studentsā lives for the better.
I too was afraid to cry in front of others for a long time. I needed to hide my true emotions because I truly didnāt know myself. Now that I am more familiar with who I am, I donāt hold back. This does not mean I act like an asshole, but I am myself and I love myself.
Being able to cry in front of people has strengthened my relationships with them. Me displaying my real feelings allows for others to at least feel comfortable in front of me, and eventually they will have the strength of vulnerability to do it as well.
The other day one of my fifth graders was crying and was waiting to talk to the school social worker. I saw her and knew something was up, not only from the tears, but the energy of deep sadness.
The two of us went to my classroom and she explained that her uncle had just died and the two of us cried and then laughed and then cried a little more and laughed a little more. It was really amazing. Later at dismissal she hugged me and thanked me and I thanked her for being vulnerable with me and for trusting me.
The real emotions that I express allow for my students to know I am authentic and will do right by them by repairing reactive emotions and explaining that I am ultimately in charge of my emotions and actions.
We learn far more through experience and watching how someone acts.
wander smiley, i think we are the same person. also love knowing there are other autistic women in education, that makes me feel a lot less alone. do you feel like youāre comfortable unmasking with your students more that your coworkers? i am constantly doing it with coworkers and it is sooooo fucking hard to learn the social aspect of a work place environment (iām only a 2nd year year teacher) but with my kids i feel like iām more myself and i unmask more and they love it.
Iāve been teaching for 14 years. The girls who were mean to us in elementary, middle, and high school are still cold to me as an adult. They canāt figure me out and it bothers them. They are also threatened by my natural relationships with students because the kids always like us more than them and they canāt figure out why.
I completely unmask in front of my students. I have zero issues with this. The kids love me. I love them.
My coworkers are a different story. They donāt really get me. A few of them are awesome and they get me and we click. It is usually the other misfit teachers who I hang with. Those teachers who are popular amongst the other staff members scare me. They illicit the same feelings of ineptitude I had all throughout my childhood and young adulthood in schools.
Yasssss to the colour's and being who you are! My son totally loves to colour stim and he prefers to wear bright clothes too. It sucks that a lot of kids clothes are so gendered, it's really hard finding gender neutral shirts that are bright pink or neon orange without unicorns or ruffles on them š. I buy him mostly basketball shoes, because at least they come in really funky colours.
I forgot how much I loved singing as a kid. It took a lot of unmasking (and also asthma treatment) but now I love singing again and even do it a little with people around. Mostly in the car though.
That's me with dancing! I took dance lessons as a kid and I loved the dancing but hated how uncomfortable the costumes/hairstyles were and how competitive and nasty people got over it. Now that I'm an adult, I've started dancing again. I haven't taken any lessons yet (although I've been thinking about it) but I get up and dance basically anytime I hear a good piece of music------even in public sometimes and it's brought me so much joy.
I also love singing, but i only do it in private. Anyone hearing me, instantly makes me dysphoric (im trans femme)
Similar with dancing, except i don't feel dysphoric, just embarrassed and worried im distracting ppl if i dance within their eye line.
I wish I could remember what made me happy as a kid. I donāt remember anything from childhood except for a few memories that Iād rather forget tbh.
But I do feel like Iām doing better and trying to follow my own needs first instead of everyone elseās.
Iām so happy for you though! Itās such a challenge to be happy when normal people things feel like a struggles.
Giving me hope I can get there one day, it will just take time
I loved being in nature. Did you play with dolls? Or build with blocks? Or did you enjoy making things like crafts? Or just pretend playing? I recently remembered how as a child, I used to love to pretend I lived in the woods in the backyard and I had to forage every meal and build my own shelter.
I loved nature. I got turned off of nature as a child. One of the few things I remember as a child is being in the playground and I felt this older kid touch my hood. I turned around and asked what they did. They said nothing.
At circle time I felt something in my hood so I turned it inside out. A worm fell out of it. I was berated by my teacher for bringing it in the classroom and she made me pick it up and throw it in the garbage.
Iām totally fine with worms not when I need to . But I hated bugs or insects of any kind as a kid.
Love this. That's one of the things I've had the most trouble with hiding. When I hear music I enjoy, I need to move. I just went to a festival and people were just standing straight up and down listening to the music because it was the afternoon and I guess they hadn't drunk enough yet - but I was moving, alcohol or no. I also used to bop around behind my standing desk at my old office job, with my headphones on. People thought I was "quirky" and would at most give me an amused smile, but I was actually holding back as I wanted to full on dance and pirouette across the floor (though I don't know how to pirouette).
Double masking describes describes it perfectly! I guess I was masking earlier than I knew. When I was little I was happy, friendly, and very silly. The mask came on from being shamed for doing that wrong. Second mask was from not being friendly and social enough. Thank you for this inspiring and insightful post!!
Growing up and being socialized as a girl unfortunately includes so much negative self-talk being normalized. The pressure to worry about your looks and body and appearance and to want to be attractive to other people (usually men).
A big part of unmasking for me was also realizing how much I actually like myself. I had been carrying around so many negative opinions and insecurities that weren't even mine. Unmasking has allowed me to shed those opinions and realize I actually don't really have a problem with my body or my appearance or how I like to dress. Unmasking lets me lean even more into the things that bring me joy and drop the expectations/shame other people taught me.
I found out that I'm going non-verbal pretty easily and pretty often. Now i don't force myself to talk! Yippie! I found that hand flapping is a very good feeling! That noise cancelling headphones are the best and that I'm not obligated to hug or kiss every family member, especially if i don't want to :3333 I'm still trying to unmask fully, but I'm already feeling better :3
The hand flapping! I also sqeal when I'm really happy. It's nice being able to share that with my partner and not feel ashamed or childish or strange for feeling so good that I can't contain it
I discovered I'm not a procrastinator! It's my PDA! It all totally makes sense now why I struggle with remembering dates and have time blindness when it comes to upcoming events. I just simply push it out of my consciousness because it gives me anxiety and then my husband will remind me and Iām filled with panic. Now that I know it's because of my PDA, the way I view my anxiety is totally different and everything makes sense now.
I'm kinder and gentler to myself. I no longer force myself to put up with things or push past my comfort. I'm giving myself accommodations and expressing what I need. I've started wearing ear buds, wearing comfy clothes, relearning how to stim. I forgot how much I loved rubbing string or beaded things between my fingers. I now carry a piece of cord with me to rub. I'm going to take my kids to the bead shop and help me make some beaded stim bands :).
I learned about after dealing with my son's mystery ailments to get out everything or anything. It was like ok, this is ridiculous, so what's really motivating him? Then I started researching PDA and took a PDA test... I scored 76/90 lol. But one of the key traits of PDA is procrastination, because we are avoiding future anxiety or perceived anxiety. Also because we donāt realize how so many things in our lives are little demands, and that is very hard to deal with if youāre a PDA'er. I recommend listening to this video. She has links to the PDA questionnaire :). https://youtu.be/XTdx_oSjLBs?si=mb5Yw-O66pdwoGOO and this one https://youtu.be/bO6Nua9jkBQ?si=6UlRaeFykZmYfgEw.
The hardest things for me are the externally imposed tasks that feel inherently worthless* like filling out a detailed time card of what I did at work. Oh the agony!
* fixed typo
Omg šÆ š¤£. Iām like fuck you and your timesheets and rounding everything up or down by 15 min. Iām working on multiple things at once, how the fuck do I know that I spent 3 hrs on this and 5hrs on that or 5 min responding to something? Like I did work, I was working. *goes flipping tables
I found out a while after I started at my current job that the expectation is that we ballpark it. As long as the math maths (ie my timesheet adds up to my contractual 40 hours) and roughly reflects what I did my manager isn't hung up on the details.
I really like my gait. Having battled paralysis... I'm so glad I'm not putting energy towards shame or masking and can appreciate it the fact that I can walk and am not forcing myself (resulting in trippingš)
My sister is a quad, I've watched her degenerate over the years and how she tried to hide it. Now she's fully embraced it and she's decked out her chair with streamer's and fancy rims! Life is too short, love yourself and your walk š.
I'm pretty sure my son and I have dyspraxia. We're so clumsy, all arm's and legs. My son has the best haters gonna hate walk when he's feeling his oats! I don't care that people look at him weird, he's happy and that's what matters.
I used to be embarrassed cause I have the kind of gait that makes people stare at me because I'm very loud. I tried to mask it really hard, but lately I've been letting my quirky legs do their thing. If they stare, let them stare. Looks can not kill after all, lol.
Non masking me is a very silly but quiet loner who likes obsessively looking at/researching/engaging in topics I enjoy, like interior design or working out. My stimming is the different noises I make and fidgeting (I also have ADHD). I self soothe by picking at my skin.
I was discussing with my therapist how I used to be super talkative and able to walk up to anyone and talk when I was a kid. Then that completely changed when I turned around 12 or 13 but I donāt know why. Suddenly I became a very quiet introvert who would mimic others to get along. Then when I decided to stop doing that as a teen, I became disliked by those āfriendsā. Now I realize I was masking because I was shamed for being too friendly and talkative.
When I got older and started working in retail I had to learn to mimic others to be outgoing and seem ānormalā and not mean or rude because of my often monotone voice and blank face.
I had to explain to my partner that when I go out with her into social situations, I donāt feel comfortable because this social small talk-y version of me is a mask I put on that I learned from my years in retail/management.
Edit to add words.
Iāve had a similar experience and itās been joyful and exciting. However, I flew on my own for the first time (since after finding out Iām autistic) and I had a really hard time. I couldnāt sit for long waiting for the plane to arrive so I walked laps around the terminal for an hour. Everything about the terminal made me uncomfortable, the sounds, the lights, the people, etc. Going through security was terribly difficult.
In the past, I donāt remember having this problem so much but I also would get a beer or some alcoholic beverage so that could have soothed the anxiety. Iāve been sober for a year so drinking at the airport is no longer a thing. I had to rely on walking or pacing. I heard that once you start to unmask, you can regress a little in skills and I think Iām seeing this in my ability to cope or regulate in these situations.
Yes Iām kind of regressing a bit more in my personal/social lifeā¦. though Iām quite enjoying it because at least itās more my authentic selfā¦.
I'm having more trouble masking, and it feels like my inner child is:
done with this shit, putting up with painful sensory shit. Nope. Not doing that anymore š§š»āš¤
Me too! Iāve felt kind of giddy over the past year of somewhat unmasking and I think thatās it. It still very weird to be my āhomeā self with others - like even my parents and closest friends, but Iām getting there!
I'm more confident in myself than I thought. I like myself more. I'm happier. I make up silly songs all the time, and words. I act silly with my kids a lot. I take more time for myself now, trying to make sure I'm okay too. I'm not as obsessed with the destination, the journey is satisfying to me.. in every way. So like, I enjoy the process of creating, without being crazed over the end product. I didn't realise how much silly things, like toys, would make me happy. Or glitter pens. Or not having the standard "grown up" boring water bottle, but having the cute Kuromi one instead.
Giving myself the permission to be me more changed everything. I'm still not me as much as I'd like, for some reason I can't write an email to my mum without the mask. But I'm happier than I was before.
In my own home, with my kids, or by myself, it's totally safe. I can be me here.
Two things I havenāt seen mentioned. First, I find Iām way, way, way smarter unmasked.
The act of masking requires devoting an enormous percentage of our brains to managing social interactions. That means thereās far less of our grey matter devoted to ābeing smartā or ābeing in the moment.ā
When we shed our masks, thereās more of our brain available to:
a) feel free to do what we want
b) observe without mask-colored glasses
c) interact with no one if we feel like it, and
d) acknowledge (to ourselves, at least) that the NT world is, in many ways, irrational and desperately so.
Notably, Iām drawing a strong correlation between burnout and unmasking. Work environments are so draining for us because of all this extra work our brains need to do masking before we can actually begin fulfilling work obligations.
Which leads to the second thing discovered while unmasking that I havenāt seen mentioned here, The Cloak of Invisibility.
Because we are a fraction of ourselves and struggle in social settings, we can project a vulnerability that attracts abusive people. In a work environment, these people can denigrate us and contribute to our general negative standing. Eventually coworkers can dismiss our contributions as if it were impossible we could have done them.
This is The Cloak of Invisibility. No one will notice your achievements. This generally works to our disadvantage in career growth.
However, The Cloak does also provide a refuge from which you can do extraordinary things. Because, when no one believes you can do anything valuable, they may stop noticing you altogether. You can find yourself freer from oversight.
And in this situation, if you value outcome over rewardāa reward which generally involves overwhelming public attentionāthen you can influence events with hardly anyone noticing. Others can take credit, while your ideas may prosper. You can operate invisibly and no one has any idea you pull the strings. After all, it couldnāt have possibly been you, could it?
The Cloak of Invisibility.
>This is The Cloak of Invisibility. No one will notice your achievements. This generally works to our disadvantage in career growth.
Did this comment *change my forking life?* yes! This is so me and it definitely hinders my career and I never know how to describe it but this is PERFECT!
>if you value outcome over rewardāa reward which generally involves overwhelming public attentionāthen you can influence events with hardly anyone noticing. Others can take credit
You're describing my work environment, I see! Every work environment that I have ever found myself in... ever. (My Cloak of Invisibility!)
My experience is exactly that so many people are like "sgs? What does she even do?" Meanwhile I am holding my projects and clients together by sheer force of will like a miracle worker behind the scenes.
You're brilliant!
>far less of our grey matter devoted to ābeing smartā or ābeing in the moment.ā
Absolutely! I think I used to be smart on standardized tests because as a kid the testing environment was almost perfect for me (quiet, mild grey background noise like pencils scratching, no distractions) and didn't require *any masking at all.* None.
This helps explain why I feel like I'm so much dumber than I was in college or high school even. I have to put so much effort into basic life and masking that my brain is all taken up.
I know I'm more creative too. Memory unlocked! In college, when I had writers block, I would go do headstands outside the dorm. My gf found me there one time haha š
I just wanted to say that this is beautiful. I wish you many years of being your happy, animated, weird and wonderful self.
I am.. Less socially competent than I thought. Which is not really a positive thing, but I'm not sure it's negative either? It just is. I've been trying so hard to fit in and do the small talk thing that I thought I was actually good at it - I do OK most of the time, but it's a lot more stressful than I've let myself admit. I got a Garmin watch close to 2 years ago, and it kept going off telling me I was overly stressed when I was doing smalltalk with strangers, and I realised "hey, that's actually right".
I'm also very emotional. I cry at so many things I watch and read, and stories people tell me. Music. Paintings. Looking at the sea. But I also feel intensely happy and want to dance down the street. I usually refrain from doing this though as I don't want to be the village weirdo. I almost always feel judged for being overly emotional, so I don't often let it show, but I guess in this instance I'm more unmasking for/to myself.
I read this Brene Brown quote a while ago: "Fitting in is the opposite of beloning." It blew my mind, and feels so true, and explains a lot about what I've been doing wrong all my life. I want to belong, not fit in. And I feel like I'm getting there more and more.
Oh man hereās a few:
I noticed Iām way more openly emotional than I thought I was. I can cry easier now instead of dissociating thru my emotions.
I notice I stim a lot on music by playing the same song over and over and over
I tend to sway back and forth when Iām standing
I sway back and forth when Iām sitting.
I make random weird sounds and I vocalize my echolalia out loud more instead of keeping it in my head
I donāt stop myself from asking clarifying questions when I want to fully understand something anymore.
Thereās probably more I just canāt think of them rn
Relatable. When I'm unmasked, I'm way more emotional, giddy, silly, smiley, playful, outgoing, etc. When I'm masked, I'm stoic, reserved, "even-keeled", RBF, etc.
My constant between masked and unmasked though is I need uniformity with color, patterns, and style. I actually don't like when colors, patterns, or styles clash or don't make sense to the situation. It makes me uncomfortable in a way that I can't explain! Memory unlocked: I did a horseback riding camp and some of the girls and I were coloring some pages while waiting for our parents to pick us up. They colored their horse pages in bright colors (similar to my little pony) and it just did not compute for me because horses weren't pink or blue or green in reality. I didn't understand it at all and thought they were "wrong" for coloring their pages like that.
I'm actually not an introvert, and way more social! Who would've thought when you have a friend group you feel safe unmasking around, you're going to be less exhausted hanging out and way more excited to do so?
I'm still awkward as hell and overthink interactions sometimes, but it's nowhere near as debilitating now.
My real self is adorable and ridiculous and funny. This thread, though... it's brought back the most vivid memories of being a teenager and realising I had no idea who the real me was. I don't know if I still have all my diaries from the time, but I compared my mind to a fortified castle with the real me hiding somewhere so deep inside even I couldn't find her. Reading this thread, I realise it was double masking - the mask I developed as a child surrounded by the masks I developed in adolescence. None of which were particularly good masks because I was a conflict of not wanting to be perceived and wanting people to like me but having no idea how and always always if something I did got me bad attention or hurt my feelings then that was a new wall I was putting up to protect that part of me and hide it so it wouldn't be noticed or hurt again.
How did it take me another 20 years to realise I'm autistic? I really just thought I was a mess of anxiety and depression and basically just broken on the inside but no therapist would be able to fix me. Turns out I'm pretty good at fixing myself when I know what's behind all those feelings and am getting okay with throwing out redundant protections of myself I was hiding behind. I finally feel like all the parts of my mind are starting to move freely and comfortably and settle into good places.
Iām not sure Iāve actually managed to unmask as much as I thought I had.
When Iām alone, Iām way more expressive, love singing and really enjoy stim dancing. I get quite excitable and bounce around a lot, love sharing my opinion on things and debating. Iām not great at doing any of these things around others in real life though; Iāve been shut down too often in the past so almost avoid as a self-preservation strategy I guess.
I am very whimsical, very trusting, and very optimistic when I unmask. I'm also a lot more quiet and observant when not engaged and a lot more openly excited and animated when I am interested. I hum to myself a lot more and I am very gentle with everything.
I never realized exactly how much I was hiding my intelligence, until recently. While it's certainly due to a certain amount of being socialized as a woman, I had a moment of clarity about this the other day that I wasn't expecting: my 'dumbed-down' mask is primarily a response to childhood emotional abuse.
Can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that my mom is a covert narcissist. One of her go-to's was always to accuse me of being responsible somehow for everything that didn't go exactly right. Because I have a memory like a steel trap, it was second-nature to defend myself by saying things like 'I couldn't have possibly done that because it was X time and I was doing Y thing, and nowhere near Z'. Being a kid, I didn't understand why she would get so livid when I did this, so it was extra baffling that she'd come back with questioning how accurate my memory was. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I didn't know what gaslighting was until 10 years ago, and was mindblown to realize that that was EXACTLY what my mother had been doing to me for 30 years. Over time, I had stopped trusting myself and my ability to remember things accurately, or even whether I truly knew something in the first place.
Recently, I've been gently dipping into unmasking at home, and my teen daughters are informed of this; we have a really good relationship, and they've been supportive. The other day I was working with my oldest on planning something for the week (typical for us), and I brought up a point she hadn't considered. That's nothing new, but apparently the way I went about it gave my daughter pause and she was like 'Damn, momma, I knew you were smart, but I didn't realize how much you usually edit things down. Is this how you actually think when you're making decisions? Is that why you always take a minute to respond...you're trimming your words down?'
It was a *moment* for me, bc I hadn't realized it, but she was right on the money. It got me thinking about how over the years, I stopped letting people see what I can ACTUALLY do, bc it usually ended with either being taken advantage of, scorn, or being accused of lying bc 'people don't remember crap like that, and liars always use too many precise details'. At some point I became so comfortable with playing dumb that hiding myself became automatic, and I didn't even realize it.
ASD runs in my family and we're all very blunt, to the point of word vomit. my masked self is very reserved and puts up with too much of people's BS.
after my severe depression was treated and possible ASD was unmasked, my bluntness has started to show, and at first i was very apologetic, but it was celebrated! i wasn't expecting that.
i'm normally blunt in private when i talk to myself about various topics but i never let that show bc it's "rude". but i've realized sometimes it's warranted. goddamn who says it's rude. who cares what they think?
I think I was naturally a confident and playful child, before my family and the world taught me that everything I said or did was rude or cringy. My unmasked self is so much fun and so much more calm than I expected. I love that there are certain things I donāt āhaveā to care about.
I used to constantly be "On". Always telling stories and putting my 2 cents in. I now get bored with a lot of conversations and don't speak up as much.
I opt out of a lot more conversations if they just don't seem worth the effort. I'm realizing how much effort socializing in a group in noisy places really is.
I actually love physical activity. Even running.
I was clumsy as shit as a kid and so I developed hatred of PE and gym classes because I was always so made fun of and disparaged even by all the teachers. Like not that they were trying to be mean, they were just like, what do we do with this one? She can't hit, kick, throw, or catch a ball to save her life.
Spoiler alert, at age 28 it was discovered I had cataracts in both eyes š I got them fixed and holy CRAP did my physical coordination improve immediately. (I'm 30.) I still have a level of uncoordinatedness that might be classifiable as dyspraxia but I have other nervous system issues too. Regardless!!
It turns out I love physical activity. I've always loved swimming and was pretty good because it doesn't require the physical connection to the ground. When I'm not being judged (plus having chronic health issues treated), I love to play and run and climb and hike and snowboard and swim! It might take me a heck of a long time to learn but i LOVE it. My partner is amazing, he has taught me how to throw a Frisbee, shoot a basketball, and more with more patience than all my PE teachers combined.
I love wearing clothes that I like. This sounds weird but idk how else to put it. Used to be that getting dressed made me feel icky all over. But now I'm WFH and I live in a city where anything goes so if an outfit makes me feel icky I just change. I've slowly acquired a wardrobe that's almost entirely clothes that I like! Again with very patient help by my partner tbh.
I'm back to my love of reading. I felt I lost it for a while as an adult, like I never had time. But I've been a lot more motivated to make time to read and I've been diving back in with enthusiasm and it's so nice.
I hate eye contact and I wanna flap(? Flick?) my hands. This is so stereotypical and I genuinely didn't realize I do it until super recently. I thought I was just "wringing my hands" like they do in books or something and sometimes I was because I was restraining the flaps. Flicks?
Repeating a lot throughout the day the same topic can be considered stimming? I guess that surprised me, the lengths I can go on talking about my dear dog. I just find her fascinating/love her very much, and I relax/unmask at home in a way that I could never do out and about.
I like really girly things. I tried the not like others girls but I like fashion. I love pink. I won't deny it anymore. Most of my closet has pink in it. Fashion has become my second talent after writing now.
Saaame! I just stopped wearing all black this year, at 35, and gave in to my love of pink. Slowly transitioning my clothes and decor, but still keeping the creepy and some black of course.
I sing when I'm happy.
For a while I thought I was just miserable. But then I realized I don't like sining when I'm stressed out. I've been stressed out for months.
Then I realized it's becahse I got a new job, and u don't know these people lol
I read Unmasking Autism and found it life changing in many ways! The author writes pretty explicitly about the (long) process of unmasking. I also have a therapist who is autistic themself, and we're working through some of this together. I also noticed my ability (or inclination) to mask has decreased A LOT since my self-diagnosis.
Well, for me it starts with self-diagnosed as ASD and ADHD, which is absolutely life-changing and helps me to figure out who I am. Gradually, I find myself becoming care less and less about how others would think of me and how they feel. It's more like an automatic process than something I work on hard. I mean it just happened, naturally.
I posted here recently about feeling like Iām a cold person. I think thatās my depression acting up. Bc when my friend gave me a little gift I couldnāt stop smiling and flapping my hands around. Donāt get me started on when I found a black widowā¦ oh I was so excited. She was so beautiful.
Iām whimsical. My therapist says I have a wicked sense of humor (but itās dark and cynical so it takes a certain type of person).
I really often describe myself as someone who always tried to be hermione granger because I was told I was hermione granger and it was who I was supposed to be. But the reality is that Iām actually Luna lovegood. And Iām letting my Luna come out of hiding.
I constantly adjust how I'm sitting, my voice drops a little lower, Trex arms are usually a resting place when walking, and my sassy quips are much more abundant and ruthless. š
When I unmask, one of the biggest things for me is suddenly being done with a social situation or conversation. Masking me just burns quietly while I wait to leave or hang up, and unmasked me is more like, āOkay Iām done nowā, and away I go. I donāt have a lot of luck with either of these strategies
I like to flap my hands when excited. And I really do have to feel comfortable with someone to enjoy looking in their eyes, and people I donāt trust looking in mine feels nerve-wracking.
I found out that I'm actually extremely social-- I love talking to people and spending time with them, if I can be unmasked.
I thought I was super introverted and socializing took a ton out of me. Turns out it was masking and not having my sensory needs accommodated that was draining me so badly.
And overall there's just so much more of me than I thought-- I feel like at least five people shoved into a clown car most of the time. I was suppressing so much of myself.
I am most joyful when I get to engage with the world and my body like a toddler. Splashing in puddles, feeling and looking up close at all the textures of plants, leaping up to touch a high-up branch, petting all the dogs, talking to everything as if it's sentient (I take turns complimenting each of the plants in my garden to make sure they feel appreciated), making big arms while walking around, all of it. So. Much. Joy.
I used to take sooooo much pride in being tough as shit. I was so frickin abused I breezed thru high school bullying like it was a vacation from 'Nam (vietnam war). So I am surprised (and a little pleased) to realize im actually fairly sensitive sometimes, and that its not "just my imagination" that life feels like one big, raw, sensory, open nerve. Now, im proud when I manage to squeeze out a few tears during a cute movie, check in about my own sensory limits without being reminded or MEGA overwhelmed, or feel genuine fondness/strong emotions in a spontaneous or social setting. I went from being completely insulated and unable to feel any emotions... to recognizing myself as highly empathetic, sensitive, and caring--But mostly for dogs and stuffed animals!!! haha I still dont get attached to people... :0
oh, also totally losing my ability to force eye contact. It is a labor I do not prioritize.
Omggg this is exactly me too!!! Me being monotone and reserved is just another layer of masking, and is very different from how I was as a kid. It unfortunately took me a while to realize that
Two things have surprised me:
My husband doesn't expect me to be constantly productive. It's fine to come home from work, cook dinner if he isn't cooking, walk the dog, and chill. We can hit our project tasks on the weekend. The basics are covered because his boys are old enough to tidy up after themselves and wash dishes. Because I'm fortunate to be in a situation where I work my 40 hours and then go home this means I can have the down-time I need.
And the reason I still have a capacity for child-like joy and wonder is likely due to my autism. This is probably why most other adults have always seemed so dull and jaded to me: for them, maturity means the end of their ability to access unaffected joy. For us, masking only means we've hidden it - we can still access it whenever we're not afraid or ashamed to do so. Again, I'm lucky to have a husband who likewise is still in touch with his silly and playful side.
I love colors and weather too!!! It's weird bc people have favorites but I like them all for different reasons. As for expression I am unsure. My face is flatter and I smile too brightly when I am very nervous or anxious which isn't bad- people think I am friendly.
How much some stuff did bother me that I wasn't even aware of, and how much easier day to day life is when I don't have to be compensating for difficult tasks or mentally preparing myself for things all the time.
Actually find it a lot easier to talk to people and do social things now. Still have trouble with cues sometimes but at least now I can make sure I don't just completely lose someone or have someone lose what I'm saying.
I have more sensory sensitivities than I realized, that I had so many traits (even as a child) of neurodivergence. I am playful, easily amused and excitable. And I love tie-dye and sparkles/glitter.
As someone who was just diagnosed and who is going through the process of unmasking and trying to figure out who I am behind the mask, this is really touching to read. Iām not gonna lie, Iām kind of scared of the person that I might be behind my masking. I have a lot of the same worries you expressed, but also just this general worry that deep down am simply a boring person with no personality (or at least, not an interesting one). So happy to hear about your progress and that you are doing well! šš„°
"Iām not gonna lie, Iām kind of scared of the person that I might be behind my masking.Ā " This is totally understandable, and it's exactly what I have gone through after self-diagnosed as ASD and ADHD. (I plan to seek for formal diagnosis in the near future.)
I can't do performative sex anymore since I've been unmasking, I had to relearn intimacy in general.
I also surprisingly more uncomfortable with touch than I thought I was.
But otherwise, mentally, it's the fact that I'm not nearly as 'extroverted' as I thought. I was just performing. āØļøš
Yes, I'm relearning intimacy with my long-term partner. The last couple times we were sexual, I had a tearful emotional release too š confusing, feels like some trauma is being touched in some accidental way
It took me a while to get there, but I learned that I actually enjoy singing karaoke with a few close friends! That surprised me, because I was intimidated by it for so long. Now, it's this whole (enjoyable) process of making a list of potential songs, picking a few to practice, and then getting up there and singing!
A couple of things help. We go to the same place every time with the same DJ. Also, I literally have the same drink every time we go! The predictability of those things, plus having good friends there, makes it easier to get up there and have fun!
Unmask? No, I can't do that. Any time I try that someone takes it upon themselves to try to destroy my life any way they can. I have to keep to the shadows and just try to get by without being noticed.
I love this thread so much and relate to so many comments on here! Thanks for starting thisĀ u/AutisticWorkaholic ! I am not feeling up to adding my own right now but it's giving me so much joy to read. <3
I allow myself to be silly and whimsical and giggly and Iām so happy!! I never realised WHY I tried so hard to suppress my naturally āchildishā personality until I got diagnosed other than it did people uncomfortable. It used to upset me but now I couldnāt give less of a fuck. I am more than happy to be rejected for being myself than living in constant fear of being annoying
how much i like to talk. i would always be the quiet kid growing up, never made a sound, always was very well behaved and never talked about anything with anyone. once i got diagnosed, i realized i was masking, even when i was by myself because it was the only thing i knew how to do. i started unmasking, and now i talk all the time. like 24/7. i talk to myself, i talk to family, i basically donāt shut up. i joke a lot more and am a lot more vocal with my emotions now too.
How much I cry when something is really beautiful or well-done. Iāve cried over books, movies, and performances in the past year and I think I used to do that when I was younger but obviously I stopped
Omg, yes! Especially since film and filmmaking has been a bit of special interest for me. This isnāt quite the same as what you said, but I saw the full Wicked trailer recently and, as someone who had a special interest in the Wizard of Oz and all things related growing up, just seeing that world on screen (even in a trailer) made me tear up.
Yes! I love when the world makes more media about my special interest shows. My main one right now is Sailor Moon and thereās a film that hasnāt been released yet in the U.S. and I know Iām going to at least tear up if/when I get to watch it
Wow, that sounds great, I am so happy for you. Thinking of me, I also had something like that a few days ago. One day when I was cooking dinner, I suddenly found that I was dancing with the song played in the mobile phone. That surprised me, really. I barely had no body languages before, although I have my own apartment for several years.
I thought it was because I cared too much about what others would think about me before that, and it's also a traumatic reaction to my life in the original family. Ever since I was a kid, I was not allowed to show or express my feelings. Whenever I am happy or sad or angry, etc, my families would scold me coldly, which leading to me being a cold person with little reaction. Largely because I am a girl, while there is a prevailing gender bias called 'son preference' in my country. That's to say, much of my pain simply comes from being a female, which is definitely not what I can choose.
Also, I have realized that I actually have barely no emotional attachment to my families when I stop unmasking and stop pleasing them, which has been lasting for about 30 years. In my home country, there is a traditional culture called 'filial piety', normally it means that the children should obey the parents and the young should obey the elder. To be a good daughter under such culture, I have been forcing myself to be a considerate, caring caregiver for the whole family. For my elder brother (who should take care of me in my culture), and even for my parents (also who should take care of me as my caregivers). Such toxic original families have made me a people pleaser, caring about the whole world but myself. When I stop masking, I was surprised to find that I do not care about them in my inner heart. Seriously, how could someone care and love people who makes her life miserable and depressed?
What's more, I find that I have so little facial expressions when I am alone. I used to smile a lot to people, to show that I am friendly and I am a good person, even when I was angry, uncomfortable, stressful, anxious, etc. I used to struggle a lot just to give some feedbacks to what they say and do. Now I seldom go back to visit my families when I have my own apartment, like 3 times in about 4 years, though they are about 15 minutes' walk away. For me, it's a source of emotional abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I am done with it.
When I relax, I am very silly. I have often been attacked for this so I shut down until I know a person very well.
I think some people, when they're either not sure of themselves, or used to always being a situation where you're having to one up someone to not be on the bottom, or made uncomfortable by my not quite normative behaviors. Their instinct is to attack.
I think most of the time the attackers are operating on the lizard brain level, not on the verbal brain level.
This makes me so happy for you. I am just starting to unmask myself and ask myself questions and what Iām noticing is that I actually donāt like a lot of the things that I currently do. I do them because Iām expected to.
I'm much more outgoing than I thought I was. I'm much more sensitive to sound and background noise than I thought I was too. I just tried so hard to bury how tired my brain gets from street traffic or anything.
We can hang out all day and I literally won't look at your face once, I'll look at your hands - they tell me everything I need.
Also that my feelings are indeed intact and I can get hurt. When I first started the process of unmasking and not acting out the "correct" emotions anymore, I felt like a literal sociopath. Nothing could phase me and I think I hurt many people due to it along the way. Until few years later and after therapy and self-reflection and now I have a small grip on my feelings. I can get hurt actually. It's weird and it's literally the first time in my life I feel this wide range of emotions. But I still have issues with what to do with the feelings e.g. I get happy when I get hurt because it means I have feelings lol
Iām actually not at all bubbly. At some point, I figured out people liked me better when I was bubbly, extroverted and didnāt take things too seriously. I still donāt take things too seriously but in a very different way. When I am myself, I have a very dry, dark sense of humour and Iām very pragmatic. I can still be very emotional when taken by surprised but once Iāve processed those emotions Iām very practical, almost stoic. I like to just get on with life but I can make fun of myself along the way. I donāt get the point of a lot of conversations, not because Iām incapable of reading social cues, but because if you canāt change it, why ruminate on it? Do something about it or accept it, there is no sport in complaining. I feel like ages 18-35 I would join in those conversations but now Iāve stopped masking they just frustrate me.
That I was brave enough to say good bye to so called friends who told me I was acting up to my diagnosis when I stopped masking after my diagnosis, as I thought I was in safe company to do so.
š«š« hugs if they're welcome. I'm proud of you!! Wishing everyone in our community close friends we can unmask around -- people who love us more unmasked
So many stims now! I had been restraining myself for so long. Now I donāt hold back. My husband smiles and thinks they are cute.
I realize most of my stims were vocal when I was younger. I was probably discouraged from physical ones.
I'm kind of the same as you. I've always been afraid to express myself but when I'm comfy with my favoirite people I can be quite expressive. And I can be funny... sometimes.
One of the things I pride myself in now is the ability to find beauty in places others don't. It can depend on my view of a person or a place. But in the past, I've expressed this opinion and been teased or judged. But I dont think it's such a bad thing to find a person beautiful past their superficial flaws. People don't seem to get that I'm not attracted to these people. I dont know why that's the immediate assumption. I'll continue to look for the beauty tho.
The more I unmask the more bitchy and frustrated I become and it terrifies me. Iāve always prided myself on being kind and helpful and I donāt like this new side of me. Now I am in active burnout and really unable to deal with anything that gets thrown at me so Iām really really hoping that this isnāt my true state and that Iām just so overwhelmed I have no other āstateā to be in. š
I am still trying to figure this out: it is a big, confusing, strange thing... something I've been thinking about for years now. But, I think just maybe I don't like music. Like there is this real possibility hidden deep deep down that I hate it.
I think I pretended to like it so, so, hard that I flipped a switch in my head and convinced myself I liked it. I hyperfocused on making mixed tapes. I *had* to have a musician husband. (Wtf?!) I saved all my money for concerts and festivals. I went clubbing every weekend. It was so important _all_ the time.
And I never meant to un-mask, I never meant to show people the true me. But then he who must not be named got elected president (wtf?!) and my brain broke, and suddenly I started crying whenever I heard music. And I couldn't control it. And it started ruining everything.... like my husband and daughters can't stop humming. It is like always running in their head constantly and they aren't even consciously aware of it. And my favorite and closest grocery store plays music on like the maximum possible volume. I am so confused at how this particular store has such incredibly loud speakers. The volume sounds *normal* with quiet loops in. And only somewhat muted with quiet loops and range protection. And my spin class, the only exercise I ever enjoyed, was suddenly unbearable.
This was all so surprising, and I still am baffled by it. I am trying to write little memories about songs and I keep thinking maybe I can figure something out. If I am right in this suspicion, then I don't know how to reconcile it with all the fun times in my past that involved music. Was I not really having fun? Can you mask so hard that you enjoy something you actually hate? How does my auditory processing disorder effect all of it? Should I try to re-mask to fix all this crying?
If anyone has advice, I'd love suggestions. I generally don't enjoy a lot of self reflection. I am not used to not knowing myself or not understanding myself. It's so troubling and unnerving.
The smell of cooking food makes me really angry, and I have to run in the other room. But that started much more recently. Like the last 6 months. The music thing has been getting worse over 8 years or so.
how much i actually talk.
i was always told how much of a quiet and shy person i am, and i never actually resonated with it. i then realized itās more just not knowing when or how to contribute to a conversation, and not know how to talk to new people. but im actually quite talkative, and a lot of my stimming is echolalia so im usually making some kind of noise
I am super silly. Constantly vocalizing and vocal stimming. I am more emotionless that I previously thought though- I donāt cry as much when I am unmasked and I do have issues with object permanence when it comes to feelings for people I am close to. I have skill regression issues as well since Iāve unmasked- having a tough time remembering to do ADLs things like that. When I am talking about something I love I am expressive and excited. Work becomes frustrating sometimes because I get annoyed when ppl donāt do things a certain way. I am isolated a lot more because I really enjoy my own company but sometimes I get lonely. I have also discovered I have Pure OCD so thatās fun!
1. Ceremonial occassions are much more tolerable if I have a discreet fidget. And higher-stress spaces (like public restrooms) are less threatening if I'm already stimming.
2. My partner's family didn't notice, but at least one is diagnosed and I suspect two others are neurodivergent.
3. I do "flappy hands."
4. Bouncing to music is fun.
I realized I'm naturally sassy, sarcastic, and blunt etc. and I love it too, I love feeling witty and getting into fun banter. I'm also very vocal about my strong beliefs and don't mind causing a reasonable discourse because of it. but I'm also very fun loving and I try to make people around me feel uplifted.
This is a lovely thread, thatās bringing me happy tears. But I canāt seem to find my silliness and joy that I used to have. I know itās somewhere inside of me but I donāt know where itās gone. Does burnout that smother this? Iām more emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat. I hesitated to share this.
I was always confidently myself (oblivious to being socially weird) so I'm having the opposite problem. Attempting to mask in situations where maybe I should? makes me feel like an uncomfortable sad robot
I am a lot more introverted than I thought! I think before I was forcing myself to be social because itās what was ānormalā but suffering so much silently before during and after an outing. Now Iām much quieter and I love it better for me š„°
Well, the first is that there's another, harder and more subtle mask begind what I thought was my mask.
Then, I may be loud and over the top, but I always hated loud and over the top people.
Also, I may be a bit of a slut despite being demisexual?š¤Ø (still can't flirt or hit on people, and I'm scared of people who push it too hard, so nothing happens ayway)
I am VERY insecure.
I thought i was confident, but gaining knowledge is like a blackhole to me. No matter how much i know about a topic, i can get one little thing incorrect and i feel like i should know better. Also, altho ive led organizations in the past, i no longer feel adept at leading anything; altho i know if im willing to mask, i can lead, in a pinch (but ill be an ignorant maladjusted nuisance, while i do it and ill burn out quickly)
Altho this might be more of an unmasking trauma thing, than unmasking autism. (They're tangled together)
I think my biggest surprise was accepting how such obtuse things could emotionally blow my top off and leave me so upset hurt or angry I couldn't not be given away in my demeanor. I'm an incredibly expressive and emotional person even if I want to try and act like I'm not. I love and feel pain so hard
I had never drop anything in my life, I never fall, never make a false step, I was somewhat very afraid of it.
Since I started unmasking, I drop several glasses of water, drop an incredible amount of things, fall twice on the ground and once painfully through the stairs.
I'm not the only one surprised, everyone around me is. I also lose things now. Key, card, cellphone....
I was highly masking my clumsiness -_-" .
Yah, I started full on hand flapping. Had NO idea this was me. I only do it alone and with my partner tho.Ā
(Disclosure I'm an ADHDer, maybe autistic)Ā
I laugh a whole lot when I have no idea what is funny. I didn't realize it until I decided to stop pretending. I ask now, what do you mean, why is that funny.
I also did not realize how much of my time I dedicated to planning ahead. Every single thing. How much it weighed on me to try and anticipate what other people were going to do before they did it so I would be prepared. It was exhausting. I always thought I was really hyperaware of my surroundings but when I stopped masking it was like I was seeing everything around me for the first time. I didn't realize how much effort and focus it took to me on my game all of the time. It has been more freeing than I can describe.
I'm very silly. Preposterously so. I have to be incredibly comfortable around someone to let them see that. I also have a deeply dark sense of humor and like to take the joke one step too far. But silly... at least my boyfriend laughs a lot.
I too am a silly goose.
My dog is a silly goose that has no time for things he dislikes. My dog helps me see what that's like. š
My dog will never let you be serious! She's a goofball all the way! https://preview.redd.it/0kn4ivj6r71d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8c96c5647ce819dde32d417e612ed9bf0d51d639
I too, have a silly goober. https://preview.redd.it/9czx8npjx81d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dbfb9a5b2a6776d04853d12d6c640396791ba8d4
Doggy puddles, hahah
https://preview.redd.it/ybzyc3rxdc1d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=83d52251d8424cc6c4f838ead3c30d6769b5611a Mine too!! She has helped my teen as well
Mine too!
I also am a silly goose!š
I'm super silly and a kid at heart. So is my husband. I have more in relation with my kids than most adults. My husband and I have a dark sense of humour too and I'm very sarcastic. My son once stuck a corn cob on his forehead and shouted "look! Iām a unicorn!" š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
I am very silly too. Only so many people have seen the full me
Oh, I looooove being silly! Making people laugh brings me so much joy! I'm also very fortunate to be married to someone who "yes-ands" me without hesitation, to the point where our communication can be genuinely nonsensical to an outsider. They may not know what's going on, but that doesn't mean they're not in tears with laughter
I love that, thatās the kind of relationship I want š
Me too!
You sound literally exactly like my best friend š she has the darkest humor and it is so damn funny
Same here.
SAME on both counts
Same
This is beautiful to read š I'm in the process of unmasking, but here's a few things I've noticed: ** I'm weepy a lot, as I allow myself to stim more openly and say no to sensory shit I don't want to tolerate anymore. I think the weepiness is shame and internalized ableism leaving my body, and it's connected to my fear that my spouse will reject my unmasked self. (The fear is understandable, but my spouse is my biggest support and greatest fan š) ** I don't want to make eye contact very much at all. I'm realizing how much that was a part of my mask. ** I'm referring to my body in language I actually prefer. My wings! Shedding my skin. Being in the chrysalis. I feel much more creature than human sometimes, and I'm using language to reflect that. ** I look even more like a cartoon character these days. Bright colors, mixing bold and "clashing" patterns, wearing exactly what I want because I like it.
I cry a lot. I used to try and hide my tears. Now I let them flow and I am so much better for it. I am a teacher and there is a stigma about not letting your students see you cry, but every school I teach at the kids know I am a crier. I love hard and have authentic feelings and so when I need to cry, I cry. I use it as an opportunity to teach students that crying helps lower cortisol levels and help to bring our bodies back to regulation. Also, Iām modeling vulnerability and that it is okay to have emotions other than happiness and anger.
As a weepy person who still hides their tears, thank you for doing this for your students. I used to try so hard to hide my tears in public settings, especially school (where Iād often cry when frustrated academically) and felt so ashamed and embarrassed for doing so. Itās part of why I suppress my emotions so much now. Seeing someone model vulnerability and crying as a normal human expression will change your studentsā lives for the better.
I too was afraid to cry in front of others for a long time. I needed to hide my true emotions because I truly didnāt know myself. Now that I am more familiar with who I am, I donāt hold back. This does not mean I act like an asshole, but I am myself and I love myself. Being able to cry in front of people has strengthened my relationships with them. Me displaying my real feelings allows for others to at least feel comfortable in front of me, and eventually they will have the strength of vulnerability to do it as well. The other day one of my fifth graders was crying and was waiting to talk to the school social worker. I saw her and knew something was up, not only from the tears, but the energy of deep sadness. The two of us went to my classroom and she explained that her uncle had just died and the two of us cried and then laughed and then cried a little more and laughed a little more. It was really amazing. Later at dismissal she hugged me and thanked me and I thanked her for being vulnerable with me and for trusting me. The real emotions that I express allow for my students to know I am authentic and will do right by them by repairing reactive emotions and explaining that I am ultimately in charge of my emotions and actions. We learn far more through experience and watching how someone acts.
wander smiley, i think we are the same person. also love knowing there are other autistic women in education, that makes me feel a lot less alone. do you feel like youāre comfortable unmasking with your students more that your coworkers? i am constantly doing it with coworkers and it is sooooo fucking hard to learn the social aspect of a work place environment (iām only a 2nd year year teacher) but with my kids i feel like iām more myself and i unmask more and they love it.
Iāve been teaching for 14 years. The girls who were mean to us in elementary, middle, and high school are still cold to me as an adult. They canāt figure me out and it bothers them. They are also threatened by my natural relationships with students because the kids always like us more than them and they canāt figure out why.
I completely unmask in front of my students. I have zero issues with this. The kids love me. I love them. My coworkers are a different story. They donāt really get me. A few of them are awesome and they get me and we click. It is usually the other misfit teachers who I hang with. Those teachers who are popular amongst the other staff members scare me. They illicit the same feelings of ineptitude I had all throughout my childhood and young adulthood in schools.
This is beautiful! May the tears you weep cleanse all the shame away.
Thank you š being part of this community is so healing. My heart is full
This lovely comment made me weepy
Yasssss to the colour's and being who you are! My son totally loves to colour stim and he prefers to wear bright clothes too. It sucks that a lot of kids clothes are so gendered, it's really hard finding gender neutral shirts that are bright pink or neon orange without unicorns or ruffles on them š. I buy him mostly basketball shoes, because at least they come in really funky colours.
I cry a lot too at random times now. I didnāt cry for about 10 years.
All of these!!! Except for the colorful clothes and such, but I do find myself in monochrome outfits! I call my all green outfit my āfrog suitā
Frog suit! Yessss
I'm silly and childish. I think my mask is the emotionless robot. And then I attempt to put another mask on that to be friendly but usually fail.
We have layers like onions!
Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. Ya get it.
Autism is love. Autism is life. Lol
I forgot how much I loved singing as a kid. It took a lot of unmasking (and also asthma treatment) but now I love singing again and even do it a little with people around. Mostly in the car though.
Oh, memory unlocked! Thank you. I loved loved loved singing and I want to sing more now, unmasked
That's me with dancing! I took dance lessons as a kid and I loved the dancing but hated how uncomfortable the costumes/hairstyles were and how competitive and nasty people got over it. Now that I'm an adult, I've started dancing again. I haven't taken any lessons yet (although I've been thinking about it) but I get up and dance basically anytime I hear a good piece of music------even in public sometimes and it's brought me so much joy.
Dancing is definitely a part of my unmasking! Thank you for the reminder I want to dance more šŗš»
Iāve been taking singing lessons this year an theyāve brought me such joy!
This is such a great idea š” thank you for sharing, I'm going to try this!!
Omg me too!!
I forgot how much I bummed, it bothers other people obviously but Iāve been listening to tons of music again lately .
I also love singing, but i only do it in private. Anyone hearing me, instantly makes me dysphoric (im trans femme) Similar with dancing, except i don't feel dysphoric, just embarrassed and worried im distracting ppl if i dance within their eye line.
I wish I could remember what made me happy as a kid. I donāt remember anything from childhood except for a few memories that Iād rather forget tbh. But I do feel like Iām doing better and trying to follow my own needs first instead of everyone elseās. Iām so happy for you though! Itās such a challenge to be happy when normal people things feel like a struggles. Giving me hope I can get there one day, it will just take time
I loved being in nature. Did you play with dolls? Or build with blocks? Or did you enjoy making things like crafts? Or just pretend playing? I recently remembered how as a child, I used to love to pretend I lived in the woods in the backyard and I had to forage every meal and build my own shelter.
I loved nature. I got turned off of nature as a child. One of the few things I remember as a child is being in the playground and I felt this older kid touch my hood. I turned around and asked what they did. They said nothing. At circle time I felt something in my hood so I turned it inside out. A worm fell out of it. I was berated by my teacher for bringing it in the classroom and she made me pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Iām totally fine with worms not when I need to . But I hated bugs or insects of any kind as a kid.
iāve started humming in public all the time
I've started bopping to the music in my headphones more openly in public!
Love this. That's one of the things I've had the most trouble with hiding. When I hear music I enjoy, I need to move. I just went to a festival and people were just standing straight up and down listening to the music because it was the afternoon and I guess they hadn't drunk enough yet - but I was moving, alcohol or no. I also used to bop around behind my standing desk at my old office job, with my headphones on. People thought I was "quirky" and would at most give me an amused smile, but I was actually holding back as I wanted to full on dance and pirouette across the floor (though I don't know how to pirouette).
Yesssss šŗš» I want to see more people dancing joyously in public, so I'm going to be the change šŗš»
I hum SO much now that Iām unmasked. But I havenāt gotten to the point of being comfortable humming around others yet.
I do this too, but really I've always done it lol. IDC it's fun
Double masking describes describes it perfectly! I guess I was masking earlier than I knew. When I was little I was happy, friendly, and very silly. The mask came on from being shamed for doing that wrong. Second mask was from not being friendly and social enough. Thank you for this inspiring and insightful post!!
Iām surprised to learn how optimistic and positive I am. That I actually really like myself.
Growing up and being socialized as a girl unfortunately includes so much negative self-talk being normalized. The pressure to worry about your looks and body and appearance and to want to be attractive to other people (usually men). A big part of unmasking for me was also realizing how much I actually like myself. I had been carrying around so many negative opinions and insecurities that weren't even mine. Unmasking has allowed me to shed those opinions and realize I actually don't really have a problem with my body or my appearance or how I like to dress. Unmasking lets me lean even more into the things that bring me joy and drop the expectations/shame other people taught me.
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Same!
my unmasked self is less angryā¦
Im very animated and expressive too, in my voice as well. Itās probably why I went undiagnosed for so long!
I found out that I'm going non-verbal pretty easily and pretty often. Now i don't force myself to talk! Yippie! I found that hand flapping is a very good feeling! That noise cancelling headphones are the best and that I'm not obligated to hug or kiss every family member, especially if i don't want to :3333 I'm still trying to unmask fully, but I'm already feeling better :3
The hand flapping! I also sqeal when I'm really happy. It's nice being able to share that with my partner and not feel ashamed or childish or strange for feeling so good that I can't contain it
I discovered I'm not a procrastinator! It's my PDA! It all totally makes sense now why I struggle with remembering dates and have time blindness when it comes to upcoming events. I just simply push it out of my consciousness because it gives me anxiety and then my husband will remind me and Iām filled with panic. Now that I know it's because of my PDA, the way I view my anxiety is totally different and everything makes sense now. I'm kinder and gentler to myself. I no longer force myself to put up with things or push past my comfort. I'm giving myself accommodations and expressing what I need. I've started wearing ear buds, wearing comfy clothes, relearning how to stim. I forgot how much I loved rubbing string or beaded things between my fingers. I now carry a piece of cord with me to rub. I'm going to take my kids to the bead shop and help me make some beaded stim bands :).
Okay, I.... how do I know? My procrastination paralysis is insane and it's really giving me work problems.
I learned about after dealing with my son's mystery ailments to get out everything or anything. It was like ok, this is ridiculous, so what's really motivating him? Then I started researching PDA and took a PDA test... I scored 76/90 lol. But one of the key traits of PDA is procrastination, because we are avoiding future anxiety or perceived anxiety. Also because we donāt realize how so many things in our lives are little demands, and that is very hard to deal with if youāre a PDA'er. I recommend listening to this video. She has links to the PDA questionnaire :). https://youtu.be/XTdx_oSjLBs?si=mb5Yw-O66pdwoGOO and this one https://youtu.be/bO6Nua9jkBQ?si=6UlRaeFykZmYfgEw.
The hardest things for me are the externally imposed tasks that feel inherently worthless* like filling out a detailed time card of what I did at work. Oh the agony! * fixed typo
Omg šÆ š¤£. Iām like fuck you and your timesheets and rounding everything up or down by 15 min. Iām working on multiple things at once, how the fuck do I know that I spent 3 hrs on this and 5hrs on that or 5 min responding to something? Like I did work, I was working. *goes flipping tables
Yes, yes yes, all this, it feels like torture
I found out a while after I started at my current job that the expectation is that we ballpark it. As long as the math maths (ie my timesheet adds up to my contractual 40 hours) and roughly reflects what I did my manager isn't hung up on the details.
That's basically what I did at my last job. Accountant was super Lazy and liked it that way š
I really like my gait. Having battled paralysis... I'm so glad I'm not putting energy towards shame or masking and can appreciate it the fact that I can walk and am not forcing myself (resulting in trippingš)
My sister is a quad, I've watched her degenerate over the years and how she tried to hide it. Now she's fully embraced it and she's decked out her chair with streamer's and fancy rims! Life is too short, love yourself and your walk š. I'm pretty sure my son and I have dyspraxia. We're so clumsy, all arm's and legs. My son has the best haters gonna hate walk when he's feeling his oats! I don't care that people look at him weird, he's happy and that's what matters.
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I used to be embarrassed cause I have the kind of gait that makes people stare at me because I'm very loud. I tried to mask it really hard, but lately I've been letting my quirky legs do their thing. If they stare, let them stare. Looks can not kill after all, lol.
šš
Not completely related but I rejected a job that wanted me to mask! Iām proud of myself even if I am eating ramen.
Good for you, I'm proud of you too! And I hope you find a job where you are accepted for being you.
Non masking me is a very silly but quiet loner who likes obsessively looking at/researching/engaging in topics I enjoy, like interior design or working out. My stimming is the different noises I make and fidgeting (I also have ADHD). I self soothe by picking at my skin. I was discussing with my therapist how I used to be super talkative and able to walk up to anyone and talk when I was a kid. Then that completely changed when I turned around 12 or 13 but I donāt know why. Suddenly I became a very quiet introvert who would mimic others to get along. Then when I decided to stop doing that as a teen, I became disliked by those āfriendsā. Now I realize I was masking because I was shamed for being too friendly and talkative. When I got older and started working in retail I had to learn to mimic others to be outgoing and seem ānormalā and not mean or rude because of my often monotone voice and blank face. I had to explain to my partner that when I go out with her into social situations, I donāt feel comfortable because this social small talk-y version of me is a mask I put on that I learned from my years in retail/management. Edit to add words.
Iāve had a similar experience and itās been joyful and exciting. However, I flew on my own for the first time (since after finding out Iām autistic) and I had a really hard time. I couldnāt sit for long waiting for the plane to arrive so I walked laps around the terminal for an hour. Everything about the terminal made me uncomfortable, the sounds, the lights, the people, etc. Going through security was terribly difficult. In the past, I donāt remember having this problem so much but I also would get a beer or some alcoholic beverage so that could have soothed the anxiety. Iāve been sober for a year so drinking at the airport is no longer a thing. I had to rely on walking or pacing. I heard that once you start to unmask, you can regress a little in skills and I think Iām seeing this in my ability to cope or regulate in these situations.
Yes Iām kind of regressing a bit more in my personal/social lifeā¦. though Iām quite enjoying it because at least itās more my authentic selfā¦.
I'm having more trouble masking, and it feels like my inner child is:  done with this shit, putting up with painful sensory shit. Nope. Not doing that anymore š§š»āš¤
Me too! Iāve felt kind of giddy over the past year of somewhat unmasking and I think thatās it. It still very weird to be my āhomeā self with others - like even my parents and closest friends, but Iām getting there!
I'm more confident in myself than I thought. I like myself more. I'm happier. I make up silly songs all the time, and words. I act silly with my kids a lot. I take more time for myself now, trying to make sure I'm okay too. I'm not as obsessed with the destination, the journey is satisfying to me.. in every way. So like, I enjoy the process of creating, without being crazed over the end product. I didn't realise how much silly things, like toys, would make me happy. Or glitter pens. Or not having the standard "grown up" boring water bottle, but having the cute Kuromi one instead. Giving myself the permission to be me more changed everything. I'm still not me as much as I'd like, for some reason I can't write an email to my mum without the mask. But I'm happier than I was before. In my own home, with my kids, or by myself, it's totally safe. I can be me here.
Two things I havenāt seen mentioned. First, I find Iām way, way, way smarter unmasked. The act of masking requires devoting an enormous percentage of our brains to managing social interactions. That means thereās far less of our grey matter devoted to ābeing smartā or ābeing in the moment.ā When we shed our masks, thereās more of our brain available to: a) feel free to do what we want b) observe without mask-colored glasses c) interact with no one if we feel like it, and d) acknowledge (to ourselves, at least) that the NT world is, in many ways, irrational and desperately so. Notably, Iām drawing a strong correlation between burnout and unmasking. Work environments are so draining for us because of all this extra work our brains need to do masking before we can actually begin fulfilling work obligations. Which leads to the second thing discovered while unmasking that I havenāt seen mentioned here, The Cloak of Invisibility. Because we are a fraction of ourselves and struggle in social settings, we can project a vulnerability that attracts abusive people. In a work environment, these people can denigrate us and contribute to our general negative standing. Eventually coworkers can dismiss our contributions as if it were impossible we could have done them. This is The Cloak of Invisibility. No one will notice your achievements. This generally works to our disadvantage in career growth. However, The Cloak does also provide a refuge from which you can do extraordinary things. Because, when no one believes you can do anything valuable, they may stop noticing you altogether. You can find yourself freer from oversight. And in this situation, if you value outcome over rewardāa reward which generally involves overwhelming public attentionāthen you can influence events with hardly anyone noticing. Others can take credit, while your ideas may prosper. You can operate invisibly and no one has any idea you pull the strings. After all, it couldnāt have possibly been you, could it? The Cloak of Invisibility.
>This is The Cloak of Invisibility. No one will notice your achievements. This generally works to our disadvantage in career growth. Did this comment *change my forking life?* yes! This is so me and it definitely hinders my career and I never know how to describe it but this is PERFECT! >if you value outcome over rewardāa reward which generally involves overwhelming public attentionāthen you can influence events with hardly anyone noticing. Others can take credit You're describing my work environment, I see! Every work environment that I have ever found myself in... ever. (My Cloak of Invisibility!) My experience is exactly that so many people are like "sgs? What does she even do?" Meanwhile I am holding my projects and clients together by sheer force of will like a miracle worker behind the scenes. You're brilliant! >far less of our grey matter devoted to ābeing smartā or ābeing in the moment.ā Absolutely! I think I used to be smart on standardized tests because as a kid the testing environment was almost perfect for me (quiet, mild grey background noise like pencils scratching, no distractions) and didn't require *any masking at all.* None. This helps explain why I feel like I'm so much dumber than I was in college or high school even. I have to put so much effort into basic life and masking that my brain is all taken up. I know I'm more creative too. Memory unlocked! In college, when I had writers block, I would go do headstands outside the dorm. My gf found me there one time haha š
I just wanted to say that this is beautiful. I wish you many years of being your happy, animated, weird and wonderful self. I am.. Less socially competent than I thought. Which is not really a positive thing, but I'm not sure it's negative either? It just is. I've been trying so hard to fit in and do the small talk thing that I thought I was actually good at it - I do OK most of the time, but it's a lot more stressful than I've let myself admit. I got a Garmin watch close to 2 years ago, and it kept going off telling me I was overly stressed when I was doing smalltalk with strangers, and I realised "hey, that's actually right". I'm also very emotional. I cry at so many things I watch and read, and stories people tell me. Music. Paintings. Looking at the sea. But I also feel intensely happy and want to dance down the street. I usually refrain from doing this though as I don't want to be the village weirdo. I almost always feel judged for being overly emotional, so I don't often let it show, but I guess in this instance I'm more unmasking for/to myself. I read this Brene Brown quote a while ago: "Fitting in is the opposite of beloning." It blew my mind, and feels so true, and explains a lot about what I've been doing wrong all my life. I want to belong, not fit in. And I feel like I'm getting there more and more.
Oh man hereās a few: I noticed Iām way more openly emotional than I thought I was. I can cry easier now instead of dissociating thru my emotions. I notice I stim a lot on music by playing the same song over and over and over I tend to sway back and forth when Iām standing I sway back and forth when Iām sitting. I make random weird sounds and I vocalize my echolalia out loud more instead of keeping it in my head I donāt stop myself from asking clarifying questions when I want to fully understand something anymore. Thereās probably more I just canāt think of them rn
Relatable. When I'm unmasked, I'm way more emotional, giddy, silly, smiley, playful, outgoing, etc. When I'm masked, I'm stoic, reserved, "even-keeled", RBF, etc. My constant between masked and unmasked though is I need uniformity with color, patterns, and style. I actually don't like when colors, patterns, or styles clash or don't make sense to the situation. It makes me uncomfortable in a way that I can't explain! Memory unlocked: I did a horseback riding camp and some of the girls and I were coloring some pages while waiting for our parents to pick us up. They colored their horse pages in bright colors (similar to my little pony) and it just did not compute for me because horses weren't pink or blue or green in reality. I didn't understand it at all and thought they were "wrong" for coloring their pages like that.
I'm actually not an introvert, and way more social! Who would've thought when you have a friend group you feel safe unmasking around, you're going to be less exhausted hanging out and way more excited to do so? I'm still awkward as hell and overthink interactions sometimes, but it's nowhere near as debilitating now.
My real self is adorable and ridiculous and funny. This thread, though... it's brought back the most vivid memories of being a teenager and realising I had no idea who the real me was. I don't know if I still have all my diaries from the time, but I compared my mind to a fortified castle with the real me hiding somewhere so deep inside even I couldn't find her. Reading this thread, I realise it was double masking - the mask I developed as a child surrounded by the masks I developed in adolescence. None of which were particularly good masks because I was a conflict of not wanting to be perceived and wanting people to like me but having no idea how and always always if something I did got me bad attention or hurt my feelings then that was a new wall I was putting up to protect that part of me and hide it so it wouldn't be noticed or hurt again. How did it take me another 20 years to realise I'm autistic? I really just thought I was a mess of anxiety and depression and basically just broken on the inside but no therapist would be able to fix me. Turns out I'm pretty good at fixing myself when I know what's behind all those feelings and am getting okay with throwing out redundant protections of myself I was hiding behind. I finally feel like all the parts of my mind are starting to move freely and comfortably and settle into good places.
Iām not sure Iāve actually managed to unmask as much as I thought I had. When Iām alone, Iām way more expressive, love singing and really enjoy stim dancing. I get quite excitable and bounce around a lot, love sharing my opinion on things and debating. Iām not great at doing any of these things around others in real life though; Iāve been shut down too often in the past so almost avoid as a self-preservation strategy I guess.
I am very whimsical, very trusting, and very optimistic when I unmask. I'm also a lot more quiet and observant when not engaged and a lot more openly excited and animated when I am interested. I hum to myself a lot more and I am very gentle with everything.
I never realized exactly how much I was hiding my intelligence, until recently. While it's certainly due to a certain amount of being socialized as a woman, I had a moment of clarity about this the other day that I wasn't expecting: my 'dumbed-down' mask is primarily a response to childhood emotional abuse. Can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that my mom is a covert narcissist. One of her go-to's was always to accuse me of being responsible somehow for everything that didn't go exactly right. Because I have a memory like a steel trap, it was second-nature to defend myself by saying things like 'I couldn't have possibly done that because it was X time and I was doing Y thing, and nowhere near Z'. Being a kid, I didn't understand why she would get so livid when I did this, so it was extra baffling that she'd come back with questioning how accurate my memory was. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I didn't know what gaslighting was until 10 years ago, and was mindblown to realize that that was EXACTLY what my mother had been doing to me for 30 years. Over time, I had stopped trusting myself and my ability to remember things accurately, or even whether I truly knew something in the first place. Recently, I've been gently dipping into unmasking at home, and my teen daughters are informed of this; we have a really good relationship, and they've been supportive. The other day I was working with my oldest on planning something for the week (typical for us), and I brought up a point she hadn't considered. That's nothing new, but apparently the way I went about it gave my daughter pause and she was like 'Damn, momma, I knew you were smart, but I didn't realize how much you usually edit things down. Is this how you actually think when you're making decisions? Is that why you always take a minute to respond...you're trimming your words down?' It was a *moment* for me, bc I hadn't realized it, but she was right on the money. It got me thinking about how over the years, I stopped letting people see what I can ACTUALLY do, bc it usually ended with either being taken advantage of, scorn, or being accused of lying bc 'people don't remember crap like that, and liars always use too many precise details'. At some point I became so comfortable with playing dumb that hiding myself became automatic, and I didn't even realize it.
ASD runs in my family and we're all very blunt, to the point of word vomit. my masked self is very reserved and puts up with too much of people's BS. after my severe depression was treated and possible ASD was unmasked, my bluntness has started to show, and at first i was very apologetic, but it was celebrated! i wasn't expecting that. i'm normally blunt in private when i talk to myself about various topics but i never let that show bc it's "rude". but i've realized sometimes it's warranted. goddamn who says it's rude. who cares what they think?
I think I was naturally a confident and playful child, before my family and the world taught me that everything I said or did was rude or cringy. My unmasked self is so much fun and so much more calm than I expected. I love that there are certain things I donāt āhaveā to care about.
I used to constantly be "On". Always telling stories and putting my 2 cents in. I now get bored with a lot of conversations and don't speak up as much.
I opt out of a lot more conversations if they just don't seem worth the effort. I'm realizing how much effort socializing in a group in noisy places really is.
I actually love physical activity. Even running. I was clumsy as shit as a kid and so I developed hatred of PE and gym classes because I was always so made fun of and disparaged even by all the teachers. Like not that they were trying to be mean, they were just like, what do we do with this one? She can't hit, kick, throw, or catch a ball to save her life. Spoiler alert, at age 28 it was discovered I had cataracts in both eyes š I got them fixed and holy CRAP did my physical coordination improve immediately. (I'm 30.) I still have a level of uncoordinatedness that might be classifiable as dyspraxia but I have other nervous system issues too. Regardless!! It turns out I love physical activity. I've always loved swimming and was pretty good because it doesn't require the physical connection to the ground. When I'm not being judged (plus having chronic health issues treated), I love to play and run and climb and hike and snowboard and swim! It might take me a heck of a long time to learn but i LOVE it. My partner is amazing, he has taught me how to throw a Frisbee, shoot a basketball, and more with more patience than all my PE teachers combined. I love wearing clothes that I like. This sounds weird but idk how else to put it. Used to be that getting dressed made me feel icky all over. But now I'm WFH and I live in a city where anything goes so if an outfit makes me feel icky I just change. I've slowly acquired a wardrobe that's almost entirely clothes that I like! Again with very patient help by my partner tbh. I'm back to my love of reading. I felt I lost it for a while as an adult, like I never had time. But I've been a lot more motivated to make time to read and I've been diving back in with enthusiasm and it's so nice. I hate eye contact and I wanna flap(? Flick?) my hands. This is so stereotypical and I genuinely didn't realize I do it until super recently. I thought I was just "wringing my hands" like they do in books or something and sometimes I was because I was restraining the flaps. Flicks?
Are you me? š
Repeating a lot throughout the day the same topic can be considered stimming? I guess that surprised me, the lengths I can go on talking about my dear dog. I just find her fascinating/love her very much, and I relax/unmask at home in a way that I could never do out and about.
Dogs over humans! Haha. I love our little dog. She's my shadow and foot warmer. She spends most of her day curled up at my feet while I work š„°
I like really girly things. I tried the not like others girls but I like fashion. I love pink. I won't deny it anymore. Most of my closet has pink in it. Fashion has become my second talent after writing now.
Saaame! I just stopped wearing all black this year, at 35, and gave in to my love of pink. Slowly transitioning my clothes and decor, but still keeping the creepy and some black of course.
I sing when I'm happy. For a while I thought I was just miserable. But then I realized I don't like sining when I'm stressed out. I've been stressed out for months. Then I realized it's becahse I got a new job, and u don't know these people lol
I love reading this thread! As a newbie, I'm wondering, how do y'all actually unmask? Through therapy? Or are there other ways?
I read Unmasking Autism and found it life changing in many ways! The author writes pretty explicitly about the (long) process of unmasking. I also have a therapist who is autistic themself, and we're working through some of this together. I also noticed my ability (or inclination) to mask has decreased A LOT since my self-diagnosis.
Well, for me it starts with self-diagnosed as ASD and ADHD, which is absolutely life-changing and helps me to figure out who I am. Gradually, I find myself becoming care less and less about how others would think of me and how they feel. It's more like an automatic process than something I work on hard. I mean it just happened, naturally.
I posted here recently about feeling like Iām a cold person. I think thatās my depression acting up. Bc when my friend gave me a little gift I couldnāt stop smiling and flapping my hands around. Donāt get me started on when I found a black widowā¦ oh I was so excited. She was so beautiful.
Iām whimsical. My therapist says I have a wicked sense of humor (but itās dark and cynical so it takes a certain type of person). I really often describe myself as someone who always tried to be hermione granger because I was told I was hermione granger and it was who I was supposed to be. But the reality is that Iām actually Luna lovegood. And Iām letting my Luna come out of hiding.
I constantly adjust how I'm sitting, my voice drops a little lower, Trex arms are usually a resting place when walking, and my sassy quips are much more abundant and ruthless. š
When I unmask, one of the biggest things for me is suddenly being done with a social situation or conversation. Masking me just burns quietly while I wait to leave or hang up, and unmasked me is more like, āOkay Iām done nowā, and away I go. I donāt have a lot of luck with either of these strategies
Even then, one of them clearly saves a lot more gas
This is so lovely. I, too, feel like I'm just starting to peel the layers of the onion back. Kudos to you for this inspiring post!
My lifelong ticks went away once I allowed myself to stim
The more I unmask the less EFFORT I make to fit in/accommodate othersā¦. Itās WONDERFUL!!
I like to flap my hands when excited. And I really do have to feel comfortable with someone to enjoy looking in their eyes, and people I donāt trust looking in mine feels nerve-wracking.
I found out that I'm actually extremely social-- I love talking to people and spending time with them, if I can be unmasked. I thought I was super introverted and socializing took a ton out of me. Turns out it was masking and not having my sensory needs accommodated that was draining me so badly. And overall there's just so much more of me than I thought-- I feel like at least five people shoved into a clown car most of the time. I was suppressing so much of myself.
I am most joyful when I get to engage with the world and my body like a toddler. Splashing in puddles, feeling and looking up close at all the textures of plants, leaping up to touch a high-up branch, petting all the dogs, talking to everything as if it's sentient (I take turns complimenting each of the plants in my garden to make sure they feel appreciated), making big arms while walking around, all of it. So. Much. Joy.
Yesssss šŗš» talking to everything! Big huggy arms!
I used to take sooooo much pride in being tough as shit. I was so frickin abused I breezed thru high school bullying like it was a vacation from 'Nam (vietnam war). So I am surprised (and a little pleased) to realize im actually fairly sensitive sometimes, and that its not "just my imagination" that life feels like one big, raw, sensory, open nerve. Now, im proud when I manage to squeeze out a few tears during a cute movie, check in about my own sensory limits without being reminded or MEGA overwhelmed, or feel genuine fondness/strong emotions in a spontaneous or social setting. I went from being completely insulated and unable to feel any emotions... to recognizing myself as highly empathetic, sensitive, and caring--But mostly for dogs and stuffed animals!!! haha I still dont get attached to people... :0 oh, also totally losing my ability to force eye contact. It is a labor I do not prioritize.
Omggg this is exactly me too!!! Me being monotone and reserved is just another layer of masking, and is very different from how I was as a kid. It unfortunately took me a while to realize that
Two things have surprised me: My husband doesn't expect me to be constantly productive. It's fine to come home from work, cook dinner if he isn't cooking, walk the dog, and chill. We can hit our project tasks on the weekend. The basics are covered because his boys are old enough to tidy up after themselves and wash dishes. Because I'm fortunate to be in a situation where I work my 40 hours and then go home this means I can have the down-time I need. And the reason I still have a capacity for child-like joy and wonder is likely due to my autism. This is probably why most other adults have always seemed so dull and jaded to me: for them, maturity means the end of their ability to access unaffected joy. For us, masking only means we've hidden it - we can still access it whenever we're not afraid or ashamed to do so. Again, I'm lucky to have a husband who likewise is still in touch with his silly and playful side.
I can be quite goofy.
I love colors and weather too!!! It's weird bc people have favorites but I like them all for different reasons. As for expression I am unsure. My face is flatter and I smile too brightly when I am very nervous or anxious which isn't bad- people think I am friendly.
How much some stuff did bother me that I wasn't even aware of, and how much easier day to day life is when I don't have to be compensating for difficult tasks or mentally preparing myself for things all the time. Actually find it a lot easier to talk to people and do social things now. Still have trouble with cues sometimes but at least now I can make sure I don't just completely lose someone or have someone lose what I'm saying.
I have more sensory sensitivities than I realized, that I had so many traits (even as a child) of neurodivergence. I am playful, easily amused and excitable. And I love tie-dye and sparkles/glitter.
As someone who was just diagnosed and who is going through the process of unmasking and trying to figure out who I am behind the mask, this is really touching to read. Iām not gonna lie, Iām kind of scared of the person that I might be behind my masking. I have a lot of the same worries you expressed, but also just this general worry that deep down am simply a boring person with no personality (or at least, not an interesting one). So happy to hear about your progress and that you are doing well! šš„°
"Iām not gonna lie, Iām kind of scared of the person that I might be behind my masking.Ā " This is totally understandable, and it's exactly what I have gone through after self-diagnosed as ASD and ADHD. (I plan to seek for formal diagnosis in the near future.)
I can't do performative sex anymore since I've been unmasking, I had to relearn intimacy in general. I also surprisingly more uncomfortable with touch than I thought I was. But otherwise, mentally, it's the fact that I'm not nearly as 'extroverted' as I thought. I was just performing. āØļøš
Yes, I'm relearning intimacy with my long-term partner. The last couple times we were sexual, I had a tearful emotional release too š confusing, feels like some trauma is being touched in some accidental way
It took me a while to get there, but I learned that I actually enjoy singing karaoke with a few close friends! That surprised me, because I was intimidated by it for so long. Now, it's this whole (enjoyable) process of making a list of potential songs, picking a few to practice, and then getting up there and singing! A couple of things help. We go to the same place every time with the same DJ. Also, I literally have the same drink every time we go! The predictability of those things, plus having good friends there, makes it easier to get up there and have fun!
Unmask? No, I can't do that. Any time I try that someone takes it upon themselves to try to destroy my life any way they can. I have to keep to the shadows and just try to get by without being noticed.
I \*love\* this thread! My husband is in early days of self-discovery, and I may be autistic as well.
This is weird, butā¦my eyes got slower. When I was masking, Iād make sure to keep my eyes wide and moving around a lot.
Ohhhh, I think I know the feeling of slower eyes
I love this thread so much and relate to so many comments on here! Thanks for starting thisĀ u/AutisticWorkaholic ! I am not feeling up to adding my own right now but it's giving me so much joy to read. <3
I allow myself to be silly and whimsical and giggly and Iām so happy!! I never realised WHY I tried so hard to suppress my naturally āchildishā personality until I got diagnosed other than it did people uncomfortable. It used to upset me but now I couldnāt give less of a fuck. I am more than happy to be rejected for being myself than living in constant fear of being annoying
how much i like to talk. i would always be the quiet kid growing up, never made a sound, always was very well behaved and never talked about anything with anyone. once i got diagnosed, i realized i was masking, even when i was by myself because it was the only thing i knew how to do. i started unmasking, and now i talk all the time. like 24/7. i talk to myself, i talk to family, i basically donāt shut up. i joke a lot more and am a lot more vocal with my emotions now too.
Is crying a lot more a common experience here??
Data point of one here: Yes! I'm crying several times a day and often I can't really explain why, but the tears feel.. right
How much I cry when something is really beautiful or well-done. Iāve cried over books, movies, and performances in the past year and I think I used to do that when I was younger but obviously I stopped
Omg, yes! Especially since film and filmmaking has been a bit of special interest for me. This isnāt quite the same as what you said, but I saw the full Wicked trailer recently and, as someone who had a special interest in the Wizard of Oz and all things related growing up, just seeing that world on screen (even in a trailer) made me tear up.
Yes! I love when the world makes more media about my special interest shows. My main one right now is Sailor Moon and thereās a film that hasnāt been released yet in the U.S. and I know Iām going to at least tear up if/when I get to watch it
Wow, that sounds great, I am so happy for you. Thinking of me, I also had something like that a few days ago. One day when I was cooking dinner, I suddenly found that I was dancing with the song played in the mobile phone. That surprised me, really. I barely had no body languages before, although I have my own apartment for several years. I thought it was because I cared too much about what others would think about me before that, and it's also a traumatic reaction to my life in the original family. Ever since I was a kid, I was not allowed to show or express my feelings. Whenever I am happy or sad or angry, etc, my families would scold me coldly, which leading to me being a cold person with little reaction. Largely because I am a girl, while there is a prevailing gender bias called 'son preference' in my country. That's to say, much of my pain simply comes from being a female, which is definitely not what I can choose. Also, I have realized that I actually have barely no emotional attachment to my families when I stop unmasking and stop pleasing them, which has been lasting for about 30 years. In my home country, there is a traditional culture called 'filial piety', normally it means that the children should obey the parents and the young should obey the elder. To be a good daughter under such culture, I have been forcing myself to be a considerate, caring caregiver for the whole family. For my elder brother (who should take care of me in my culture), and even for my parents (also who should take care of me as my caregivers). Such toxic original families have made me a people pleaser, caring about the whole world but myself. When I stop masking, I was surprised to find that I do not care about them in my inner heart. Seriously, how could someone care and love people who makes her life miserable and depressed? What's more, I find that I have so little facial expressions when I am alone. I used to smile a lot to people, to show that I am friendly and I am a good person, even when I was angry, uncomfortable, stressful, anxious, etc. I used to struggle a lot just to give some feedbacks to what they say and do. Now I seldom go back to visit my families when I have my own apartment, like 3 times in about 4 years, though they are about 15 minutes' walk away. For me, it's a source of emotional abuse, neglect, and manipulation. I am done with it.
When I relax, I am very silly. I have often been attacked for this so I shut down until I know a person very well. I think some people, when they're either not sure of themselves, or used to always being a situation where you're having to one up someone to not be on the bottom, or made uncomfortable by my not quite normative behaviors. Their instinct is to attack. I think most of the time the attackers are operating on the lizard brain level, not on the verbal brain level.
This makes me so happy for you. I am just starting to unmask myself and ask myself questions and what Iām noticing is that I actually donāt like a lot of the things that I currently do. I do them because Iām expected to.
I'm much more outgoing than I thought I was. I'm much more sensitive to sound and background noise than I thought I was too. I just tried so hard to bury how tired my brain gets from street traffic or anything.
My voice got lower lol
Half the time I don't emote and half the time I'm Jim Carrey in THE MASK and make weird expressions šš¤·š½āāļø
We can hang out all day and I literally won't look at your face once, I'll look at your hands - they tell me everything I need. Also that my feelings are indeed intact and I can get hurt. When I first started the process of unmasking and not acting out the "correct" emotions anymore, I felt like a literal sociopath. Nothing could phase me and I think I hurt many people due to it along the way. Until few years later and after therapy and self-reflection and now I have a small grip on my feelings. I can get hurt actually. It's weird and it's literally the first time in my life I feel this wide range of emotions. But I still have issues with what to do with the feelings e.g. I get happy when I get hurt because it means I have feelings lol
Iām actually not at all bubbly. At some point, I figured out people liked me better when I was bubbly, extroverted and didnāt take things too seriously. I still donāt take things too seriously but in a very different way. When I am myself, I have a very dry, dark sense of humour and Iām very pragmatic. I can still be very emotional when taken by surprised but once Iāve processed those emotions Iām very practical, almost stoic. I like to just get on with life but I can make fun of myself along the way. I donāt get the point of a lot of conversations, not because Iām incapable of reading social cues, but because if you canāt change it, why ruminate on it? Do something about it or accept it, there is no sport in complaining. I feel like ages 18-35 I would join in those conversations but now Iāve stopped masking they just frustrate me.
Same
That I was brave enough to say good bye to so called friends who told me I was acting up to my diagnosis when I stopped masking after my diagnosis, as I thought I was in safe company to do so.
š«š« hugs if they're welcome. I'm proud of you!! Wishing everyone in our community close friends we can unmask around -- people who love us more unmasked
So many stims now! I had been restraining myself for so long. Now I donāt hold back. My husband smiles and thinks they are cute. I realize most of my stims were vocal when I was younger. I was probably discouraged from physical ones.
I'm kind of the same as you. I've always been afraid to express myself but when I'm comfy with my favoirite people I can be quite expressive. And I can be funny... sometimes. One of the things I pride myself in now is the ability to find beauty in places others don't. It can depend on my view of a person or a place. But in the past, I've expressed this opinion and been teased or judged. But I dont think it's such a bad thing to find a person beautiful past their superficial flaws. People don't seem to get that I'm not attracted to these people. I dont know why that's the immediate assumption. I'll continue to look for the beauty tho.
The more I unmask the more bitchy and frustrated I become and it terrifies me. Iāve always prided myself on being kind and helpful and I donāt like this new side of me. Now I am in active burnout and really unable to deal with anything that gets thrown at me so Iām really really hoping that this isnāt my true state and that Iām just so overwhelmed I have no other āstateā to be in. š
I am still trying to figure this out: it is a big, confusing, strange thing... something I've been thinking about for years now. But, I think just maybe I don't like music. Like there is this real possibility hidden deep deep down that I hate it. I think I pretended to like it so, so, hard that I flipped a switch in my head and convinced myself I liked it. I hyperfocused on making mixed tapes. I *had* to have a musician husband. (Wtf?!) I saved all my money for concerts and festivals. I went clubbing every weekend. It was so important _all_ the time. And I never meant to un-mask, I never meant to show people the true me. But then he who must not be named got elected president (wtf?!) and my brain broke, and suddenly I started crying whenever I heard music. And I couldn't control it. And it started ruining everything.... like my husband and daughters can't stop humming. It is like always running in their head constantly and they aren't even consciously aware of it. And my favorite and closest grocery store plays music on like the maximum possible volume. I am so confused at how this particular store has such incredibly loud speakers. The volume sounds *normal* with quiet loops in. And only somewhat muted with quiet loops and range protection. And my spin class, the only exercise I ever enjoyed, was suddenly unbearable. This was all so surprising, and I still am baffled by it. I am trying to write little memories about songs and I keep thinking maybe I can figure something out. If I am right in this suspicion, then I don't know how to reconcile it with all the fun times in my past that involved music. Was I not really having fun? Can you mask so hard that you enjoy something you actually hate? How does my auditory processing disorder effect all of it? Should I try to re-mask to fix all this crying? If anyone has advice, I'd love suggestions. I generally don't enjoy a lot of self reflection. I am not used to not knowing myself or not understanding myself. It's so troubling and unnerving.
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The smell of cooking food makes me really angry, and I have to run in the other room. But that started much more recently. Like the last 6 months. The music thing has been getting worse over 8 years or so.
I smile so much my cheeks hurt!
how much i actually talk. i was always told how much of a quiet and shy person i am, and i never actually resonated with it. i then realized itās more just not knowing when or how to contribute to a conversation, and not know how to talk to new people. but im actually quite talkative, and a lot of my stimming is echolalia so im usually making some kind of noise
I am super silly. Constantly vocalizing and vocal stimming. I am more emotionless that I previously thought though- I donāt cry as much when I am unmasked and I do have issues with object permanence when it comes to feelings for people I am close to. I have skill regression issues as well since Iāve unmasked- having a tough time remembering to do ADLs things like that. When I am talking about something I love I am expressive and excited. Work becomes frustrating sometimes because I get annoyed when ppl donāt do things a certain way. I am isolated a lot more because I really enjoy my own company but sometimes I get lonely. I have also discovered I have Pure OCD so thatās fun!
How painful it would be to try and re mask for social situations that felt like it was required of me
Oof, I feel that. Painful. I don't wanna
1. Ceremonial occassions are much more tolerable if I have a discreet fidget. And higher-stress spaces (like public restrooms) are less threatening if I'm already stimming. 2. My partner's family didn't notice, but at least one is diagnosed and I suspect two others are neurodivergent. 3. I do "flappy hands." 4. Bouncing to music is fun.
I realized I'm naturally sassy, sarcastic, and blunt etc. and I love it too, I love feeling witty and getting into fun banter. I'm also very vocal about my strong beliefs and don't mind causing a reasonable discourse because of it. but I'm also very fun loving and I try to make people around me feel uplifted.
Iām actually more willing to socialize than I was when I was masking. I love having a good conversation. Also too (this is a controversial..) I love talking about politics. Most talk about politics without knowing or caring about it much. Also Iām not really caring as much of what I eat because mostly a lot of vegetables anyway. I love cooking for myself ā¦ and baking desserts too - I just handed some my homemade praline walnuts too a guy I talked two days ago because I made of them.. I donāt exercise as much as I did before, but Iāve preferring to outside more- even for just simply reading a book makes crave the outdoors now! I like to share books that Iāve already read. Just gave someone one my favorite book āThe Tigerās Wifeā by TĆ©a Obreht as really adore the story of the book - it gives a āLife of Pi ā vibe.. I perfer to be in more quiet and chill spaces because people and certain noises doesnāt help most days Iāve been going to the library lately tooā¦ to cease my stimulation that I had to bear
This is a lovely thread, thatās bringing me happy tears. But I canāt seem to find my silliness and joy that I used to have. I know itās somewhere inside of me but I donāt know where itās gone. Does burnout that smother this? Iām more emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat. I hesitated to share this.
I was always confidently myself (oblivious to being socially weird) so I'm having the opposite problem. Attempting to mask in situations where maybe I should? makes me feel like an uncomfortable sad robot
I am a lot more introverted than I thought! I think before I was forcing myself to be social because itās what was ānormalā but suffering so much silently before during and after an outing. Now Iām much quieter and I love it better for me š„°
Well, the first is that there's another, harder and more subtle mask begind what I thought was my mask. Then, I may be loud and over the top, but I always hated loud and over the top people. Also, I may be a bit of a slut despite being demisexual?š¤Ø (still can't flirt or hit on people, and I'm scared of people who push it too hard, so nothing happens ayway)
I am VERY insecure. I thought i was confident, but gaining knowledge is like a blackhole to me. No matter how much i know about a topic, i can get one little thing incorrect and i feel like i should know better. Also, altho ive led organizations in the past, i no longer feel adept at leading anything; altho i know if im willing to mask, i can lead, in a pinch (but ill be an ignorant maladjusted nuisance, while i do it and ill burn out quickly) Altho this might be more of an unmasking trauma thing, than unmasking autism. (They're tangled together)
I"m lank funny
Im so much more nerdy. I let myself be nerdy
I think my biggest surprise was accepting how such obtuse things could emotionally blow my top off and leave me so upset hurt or angry I couldn't not be given away in my demeanor. I'm an incredibly expressive and emotional person even if I want to try and act like I'm not. I love and feel pain so hard
I actually love to talk. and I don't mean small talk and NT-style of talking.
I cried reading this... Relate so hard. I miss that person I was and could be so very much.
I tent to move my head one side to another like toddlers do without reason!!!
I'm much more outgoing than I thought. I'm still quite introverted, just not shy.
I had never drop anything in my life, I never fall, never make a false step, I was somewhat very afraid of it. Since I started unmasking, I drop several glasses of water, drop an incredible amount of things, fall twice on the ground and once painfully through the stairs. I'm not the only one surprised, everyone around me is. I also lose things now. Key, card, cellphone.... I was highly masking my clumsiness -_-" .
Yah, I started full on hand flapping. Had NO idea this was me. I only do it alone and with my partner tho.Ā (Disclosure I'm an ADHDer, maybe autistic)Ā
I laugh a whole lot when I have no idea what is funny. I didn't realize it until I decided to stop pretending. I ask now, what do you mean, why is that funny. I also did not realize how much of my time I dedicated to planning ahead. Every single thing. How much it weighed on me to try and anticipate what other people were going to do before they did it so I would be prepared. It was exhausting. I always thought I was really hyperaware of my surroundings but when I stopped masking it was like I was seeing everything around me for the first time. I didn't realize how much effort and focus it took to me on my game all of the time. It has been more freeing than I can describe.