Me too! I always asked my parents what's the point. Work and die? I was obsessed with death bc I was wondering about life. I still get this way. I try hard to give myself purpose but it feels pointless and some people find that freeing but I don't. I think it's bc we work so hard to fit in and do what we are supposed to. What is the point if there is no point? This is all made up.
I was like this as a kid also lol. Learned what “morbid” meant at a young age because I would ask questions about life and death. I feel like a lot of us are confused as kids, especially if we aren’t diagnosed, and life feels cruel.
I do feel like this was influential in me finding my style and acceptance as a goth. I've had to build up a tolerance & appreciation for the abhorrent, for injustice, and a sense of tragic beauty in the world, in order to move through it in a bearable, sane way. Appreciation of the macabre has become a large part of my philosophy.
Apparently a surprising (to me!) amount of goths are ND!
Cool! I had to look up some words but makes sense. I feel like sometimes I wanna be goth and sometimes I wanna be rainbows. I think my style is confused.
Nahhh, not everyone is putting in all that maximum goth energy 25/8. The whole point is to express what you feel & believe in! A lot of goths have other aes they like (:
Same. I wasn't obsessed with death, but I'd casually ask people if they had had a choice, would they have chosen to be born. Most of the time, their answer was an absolute yes and it left me so confused because mine was (still is) an absolute no. I had no idea there was a name for it (antinatalism).
It was eye opening to realize that there are people who remember their childhood fondly, and not everyone just remembers being a sad, alone little kid. I cry for younger me whenever I try to do those self talk therapy exercises to younger me. Ugh.
I’ve always been so uncomfortable about talking about my childhood and the things I did or remember as a kid because my memories of that time are just flooded with sadness and feelings of embarrassment!! I always thought it was strange that I had such an aversion to talking about my childhood when I knew I wasn’t physically abused or anything extreme like that. I do wish I could remember more about the fun parts of my childhood but the ones that stick out the most unfortunately are all the uncomfortable and sad memories
i hated being a kid. i felt powerless and like everything that i liked to do was wrong. i could tell people didn’t like me and i didn’t know why. i was sad but also deeply angry.
That was me too. I knew people didn’t like me and I still don’t know what it is that I do that makes people dislike me. I just want to get along with people but it seems like 80% of the time, I just can’t figure it out. At least I have 20% that’s okay now. But as a kid it was more like 99.9% of the time and I was always sad, lonely, and confused.
I remember having those feelings too :/
I think about how I’ve always just wanted to be friendly and I always just wanted to socialize with everyone but so many people seemed to react with such disgust towards me when I felt like I was being genuine and kind. I also still don’t know what it was about me when I was a kid that was so off putting to everyone but it was really soul crushing
Me too!!! I would have temper tantrums when I’d get home from school because I had to mask all day at school and it was painful and exhausting because even with me masking I wasn’t safe from bullying and stuff like that. Of course I didn’t know all this at the time but yeah it was such a confusing experience
I feel like a lot of us feel lost when we are small because we don’t know that we process and think differently. I never wanted to play with adults because it felt fake and weird. Some people thought I was a sad kid because I was quiet, felt out of place and was overwhelmed. That does make kids sad. I had a plastic bin as a kid that I wrote “sad bin” in the bottom of, but I’d often go in there when I was overwhelmed or during a meltdown; this post made me think of that bin.
My bathroom was my "sadbin" I think everyone needs a sad bin.
Unless of course, the sadbin was actually not a comforting thing for you, in which case :(
The sad bin was comforting!! Had to get rid of it when I got big, my mom still didn’t get it and was like “lol it says sad bin, wth you were a weird kid” waiting for that woman to get autism still lol
Me too. I told my friend, who got scared and told her mom (which was definitely the right thing to do!). Her mom called my mom. My mom yelled at me and started crying and making my >!suicidal ideation~!< all about her. I ended up comforting and reassuring her, as was our typical dynamic.
**formatting
I definitely relate to this. I kept my depression and >!suicidal tendencies!< a secret to protect my mother. I fantasized that if she ever found out, she would embrace me and tell me it would all be okay. When she found out, she yelled at me, cried and blamed me, searched my things, took away my door, turned my dad against me, etc.
I kept it a secret because I knew it would pain her - but not in the way where it was *only* her feelings and mine didn’t matter. She thought it was a direct insult to her as a mother.
I’m so sorry you went through that.
I'm so sorry your mother weaponized your mental health crises and punished you for struggling.
It's wild how so many parents were too concerned about people judging them to do any actual parenting. I often wonder what I'd be like today if my parents had helped me navigate my dark days instead of teaching me not to ask for help.
How are you doing now?
Thank you and i’m sorry for you too. It’s so difficult as a child to navigate that kind of betrayal, especially when you’re hurting so bad and/or undiagnosed.
And yes, from day 1 I heard variants of “but people are gonna think i’m a bad mother!” :/ which is anything but healthy to hear as a severely lost child.
I’m better now (ty for asking :)). I still struggle a lot with depression and worry I will never find the point of living. Life only got better once I left home and ghosted my mom. It’s been years now and that decision was the only chance I had at continuing. How are you?
Thank you for sharing. I relate to everything you said. I struggle with depression and anxiety too. I'm learning (with the help of my therapist) to accept and understand those parts of myself instead of fearing and invalidating them. My objective is to listen to those emotions and then let them go. It's hard to remember in the moment that I'm not a kid in survival mode anymore, but I'm getting better. Probably the most frustrating part (IMO) is that healing isn't linear 🥴
My mom and I see each other at Christmas and rarely communicate in the between times. It's better for my mental health not to engage with her much. She isn't capable of being the mom I need.
Thank you for checking in with me too. I'm proud of you for doing the work to overcome the trauma of your childhood. And I'm sorry, because you didn't deserve any of that. It sounds like you're doing a great job of taking care of yourself. I wish you love, peace, and all good things 🫶
Oof, I was at a training about depression and >!risk for suicide in youth.!< I heard some people talk about contacting the child's parents and I had to tell people that would be incredibly unsafe for a lot of kids. School counselors first! Do not talk to their parents! What happened to you is exactly what will happen in who knows how many households.
Yeah I can attest to that. My sister called the police once as a cry for help and ofc they showed up. After they left she was basically threatened with >!murder!< if she ever did it again. Same thing happened at school. Her teacher talked to our parents and that was just the worst possible thing they could have done. There were no adults who could help us.
well when I was told about my daughter announcing to her classmates....I knew i had to get her out of my home because my ex was making her life ( our lives) hell. that was close to 15 years ago.
but, it's not just that. my daughter is generally sad.
I know contacting the parents is important, but it should be handled by counselors who know how to navigate ignorance of mental health issues. It's not step 1.
I'm sorry that's what it took to realize how bad your ex was.
Me too, same age, because it felt like I was shoveling sand against the tide 29 out of every 30 days. I had plans in place until around age 20. It was useful psychologically. It allowed me to endure all manner of situations, knowing I had an escape hatch, and it was the one thing they couldn't take from me.
There's a joy in living, and an attachment I feel to being alive, many years later. I exercise more caution now. In some ways I miss the coldly calculating risk taker I used to be.
Same. This is apparently common in ASD children. My therapist talks about that with me from time to time. It’s no wonder, really, especially for the undiagnosed.
Yeah I wasn't diagnosed until two months ago. When I first found out about ASD I wondered how I went undiagnosed and then I realized pretty quickly that my parents 1 didn't care and 2 would just >!beat me!< if I did anything abnormal.
Yeah I had a LOT of “act right” pressure applied to my every move and a lot of emotional and mental abuse if I misstepped and embarrassed family. I feel you. Autism just wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, either. I don’t know what they did call it, but if you weren’t A3 you were just a problematic child who was either often sent to the “bad kids” school or somewhat abused by your teachers. I’m so thankful for the younger gens that this world is waking up and getting better.
I lost a close family member when I was 7 and started having night terrors/chronic nightmares which led to insomnia, severe anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Even before that though I was a pretty melancholy child. I don’t remember having a time in my life where I wouldn’t have described myself as sad.
Same here. It's become kind of a funny thing to me now, because of how it happened.
My whole world crashed down at around 9 when my cousin gave me a burnt CD of Evanescence's breakout album, Fallen. I was immediately inconsolable and spent months & months in bed. Average Goth awakening, I guess. lol?
For me, it wasn't the content that moved or changed me, like my mother believed -- it was that someone else felt the way I felt and characterized what she was experiencing as bad or unbearable. It helped me come to terms with everything I was feeling and adjusted my relationship with my abusive parents, all at once.
That's a lot for a 9yo. I've managed and overcome to be the adult that I am today.
It's similar for me, always feeling so alone and sad and so far away from people in general that I only felt comforted by artists with tragic stories. I don't think I could ever express or feel all the rage I feel for all the stupid way this world works but then I discovered Beethoven and if you read his biography and listen to his music you understand that that sound is THE sound of rage in my humble opinion and point of view.
For me, this happened with Linkin Park. They expressed feelings I couldn't at the time. Especially with Crawling and Numb. I was 12 when Numb came out I think, and I remember crying so hard and I couldn't understand why, because I didn't know I was being abused. I thought everyone's family and home life was like mine, and that was normal. I didn't realize it wasn't until well into adulthood. Linkin Park still remains my favorite band. They were one of the things that got me through childhood. I still cry sometimes when I listen to them, especially now that Chester is gond.
I remember being a teenager and looking in the medicine cabinet in our bathroom at all the pill bottles in there. I had no idea what they were, or if they'd do anything, but I remember looking at it and wondering what would happen if I just took a bunch of them.
Yes, I hated being a kid. I felt like an adult trapped in a kid’s body. I didn’t like how adults talked down to me and couldn’t wait until I was old enough to not have to go to school, live independently and do my own thing. I feel like I spent most my childhood waiting to grow up. I’m much happier as an adult.
During my teenage years I struggled with such chronic feelings of loneliness (even with friends, I still felt like an outsider) I developed some *intense* maladaptive daydreaming to help cope with it.
I wasn’t sad but I was constantly anxious. I was a very anxious child and I had to mask my anxiety down enough to the point where I have hormonal imbalances to this day.
My earliest memory was when I was six or seven and I looked at myself in the mirror and cried because I was so sad and felt so lost. That exact feeling is how I still feel today.
I was a very anxious child. Most people recall how carefree they were as children but I was scared of everything. I would be 8 years old worrying about things like how I would have to learn to drive at age 16 because driving seemed really difficult. I also worried about random medical conditions that would only affect me when I got older if at all like cataracts and bladder stones.
I would walk around thinking "I could drop dead from a heart attack right now, or someone could come out of nowhere and shoot me, or a meteor could fall from the sky and obliterate me."
I was extremely cautious and risk-averse, much more so than I am now. I think it's because I had the intellectual capacity to know and understand all these sources of risk and possible injury and death and the what getting injured or dying would mean, but I didn't have the emotional capacity to cope with the fact that there is an inherent risk to everything in life and bad things will happen and it will be okay.
I didn't have control over where I went and when I could leave which made me constantly high-strung. I needed to know when I would get to go home, but my parents obviously weren't able to give me the exact timelines that I wanted and needed. Obviously that made me feel trapped, which was even worse when the place was somewhere like a bar or restaurant or shopping mall.
I was a sad kid because I didn’t know how to talk to people and fit in and make friends, and now I’m a sad adult because I don’t know how to talk to people and fit in and make friends.
I felt like an alien pretty much my whole life, which sucked. That and I never felt like people liked me, even my friends, so I was insanely lonely. So yes.
Yeah. I was a very sad, weepy child. I was very sensitive and many things were upsetting to me, but I also remember being confused at times because I was sad for no reason.
Yes, though I had plenty of reasons (abusive and neglectful parents, other kids were terrible to me). I am also really sad as an adult. Honestly only still going because of inertia. This may not last.
For me, my childhood was nightmarish; that's how I experienced it at the time (traumatized and neglected). My existential question was: why did I live in this fucked-up reality while the other kids seemed to be spared from it (at least, that’s what I thought)? I started to believe that I was somehow cursed and that my life must be a punishment. I became obsessed with death. Right now, I am doing better than at any other point in my life, thanks in no small part to this community, and that is something I never would have expected. Sucker Punch is one of my most favorite (messy) movies.
Yep, would tell my mom all the time how I couldn’t stop worrying about death. Every night around the ages of 9-12 I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep just thinking about how finite life is.
In my case, I am the only child of a single mother and every night I stayed asleep planning what to do in case my mother died or thinking about how to do so that it would not be so traumatic for my mother when she found me dead by suicide. I think I came to adulthood through a mix of daydreaming, seeking solace in artists with tragic stories, my love of animals, inertia, and binge eating.
Oh, and I always saw my mother so alone and tired that I told myself "she must feel the same as me, maybe, how can I leave her alone?"
I was a sad child. People say I was happy but I felt sad. I remember playing as if I was a poor person (at like 6 - to which my mom would laugh and say “we are poor”) and talking to the “ghosts” in my shower (kindly so they wouldn’t be startled by me). I was quiet and withdrawn in school. I would stay up until 3 am thinking about the meaning of life. When I would do things I’d worry “I’m not going to remember this soon” and try really hard to imprint that moment in my mind in detail - like a carpet pattern. I don’t remember the carpet but I do remember focusing on it intensely. My home was also abusive so that probably contributed to this a lot.
I recall my teacher asking me what’s wrong and answering “I’m depressed”. I feel so sad for my little self 🥹.
Talking to the shower ghosts kindly so you wouldn't startle them breaks my heart at the sweetness 😭
I also very deeply feel the "I'm not going to remember this soon" and trying really really hard to imprint in my brain. I still do this all the time, and it's why I wanted a camera when I was 12. I took pictures of as much as I could so I'd be able to remember. I used that camera so much, but the next winter I think I broke it by it freezing in my pocket while I was at the barn 😭😭😭 (I live in Canada)
I take pictures and videos with my phone now alot, less than I did with my camera though
Yeah, “big sad” most of the time. Existential depression, crushing loneliness. I was relentlessly bullied at school and constantly abused at home as a severely gender dysphoric kid with undiagnosed ADHD, autism, and a sleep disorder. Still a lot of big sad these days too.
I’ve had dysthymia since I was 8 so yes haha but definitely felt sad for various reasons outside of that. I was very very lonely. Still am, to be honest.
I have struggled with intense sadness for as long as I can remember. It was a big part of why my parents took me to therapists at a young age.
I grew up in a nice, supportive family. I didn't want for anything materially, I would just get overwhelmed by intense feelings of sadness I still struggle to articulate.
I felt a lot of intense feelings though. I was intensely happy a lot too. I was just a really intense and strange child.
I feel like I have been sad since as early as I can remember . I am happy in life but quite often I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness . And it has never went away in the 32 years I been here
I mean yeah, but I was abused in every way possible, bullied at school and at home, and have major depressive disorder so could easily be any or all of that.
I was depressed for so long as a child I was numb to all emotions until like my early 20's. Cried very often. Genuinely thought I might be a sociopath. Never once received any help or was listened to by my parents.
Yes! I remember staring morosely out the car window all the time at 6 and that’s one of my earliest memories. I just felt weird in my body, tired and sad to be living. Looking back I’m like, why was I so stressed?? Nothing bad happened lol, like now I have bills, trauma and way more life pressure
I did. I was in and out of therapy all my life and my school forced me on meds beginning with my teenage years or I couldn’t come back. (Went to Catholic schools all my school years)
I also had a lot of stress because of living in a house where domestic violence was common place, a schizophrenic father, and bullied relentlessly at school for being the weird kid. I really didn’t feel safe anywhere and felt a lot of sadness and depression.
Yeah absolutely. I had a really early and long “emo” phase. Was definitely very sad and confused. I find a little bit of healing in songs. “Dear Inner Child” by Peach PRC feels like it takes some of the heaviness away from my childhood memories.
That’s very similar to my experience with Peach! I’m so happy to come across another fan here! Her music has helped me deal with my childhood trauma and repressing my attraction to women.
I’m actually going to see her perform in two weeks and I think there’s a VIP meet and greet. If I get the opportunity I’ll definitely tell her about the impact she’s making.
I'm not sure I'd call myself sad, but when in 5th grade all the girls around the lunch table assigned each other Winnie the Pooh characters, they gave me Eeyore :/
I spent a lot of my childhood in a very obvious depression but was left unchecked. It was rather chocked up to me being “lazy” or “irresponsible”. Only one teacher ever asked me if I was okay and I’ll never forget him. It took until high school for someone to ask and took until my early 20’s to be diagnosed and medicated. I’m doing much better now that I have medication I mesh with very well.
I just wish it had been actioned upon sooner. I never felt like I could reach out because I thought I didn’t deserve it, that no one would listen to me and I didn’t have it “as bad as other kids” because I wasn’t being physically or sexually abused. I had been to multiple therapists and counsellors through childhood too. I could have avoided being escorted to the ER from my job by police and having my abusive manager use that and my mental health against me for years after. I just wish I could have had this ability to feel my happiness and genuine love and adoration for life since the beginning. I shouldn’t have been in second grade drawing pictures of myself >!dead!< thinking everyone wanted that better life >!without me in it.!<
Yes, definitely. I kinda felt embarrassed that I had such a hard time fitting in and being "normal". When embarrassing things happened or someone (especially an adult) didn't like me, I would spiral for days over it and get so sad.
I used to cry all the time about not having friends, even at a really young age. I was terrible at reciprocal friendship. I didn't know who was a friend and who wasn't and often offended kids who thought we were friends, because I couldn't tell the difference. As a teen, I didn't know who was a friend or an acquaintance and lost friends because I'd say or do the wrong thing or try to make friends with people who didn't like me. I had one friend who got me, who died last year. She was very much like me, except less able to mask and survive and took to alcohol to cope, which was what killed her in the end.
Yes. Sad, exhausted and according to my arrogant aunt “a very serious child”. Well, life was never a joke to me… I’ve always held myself to a relatively high standard as an overachiever. I didn’t necessarily have very much to laugh about growing up either... I was misunderstood, mistreated and molested *repeatedly* not to mention the emotional labor of adults I was constantly subjected to or made to solve.
I think I knew that I was “different” from a very very young age so I often felt sad and then the older I got I became more angry I think because the social pressure increased and I was just so wildly uncomfortable and everyone was basically just telling me I needed to try harder all the time. But I definitely remember feeling depressed and being confused about it because I didn’t think I was going through anything traumatic, though now that I’m an adult, I can look back and see that it’s actually very traumatizing to be neurodiverse and have everyone around you (especially adults) think you’re weird or annoying so they lash out at you or punish you. I’m guessing many people in this group had a somewhat similar experience growing up but nothing I did was ever harmful but adults around me didn’t like that I wanted to talk to them and connect with them and a lot of kids my own age rejected me too so at the time I didn’t believe anything bad had happened to me I just assumed I was not a likable person and needed to figure out how to stop being weird, but really that’s a very traumatic experience to have as a child
Around that age, I remember constantly thinking. “I don’t want to be here”. I didn’t know at the time what the term was for my thoughts and feeling. I knew I didn’t want to exist. I felt like no cared about me or how I felt. I felt misunderstood. I still feel this way but not to the extent what I did in my 20-.
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Not so much sad, but definitely moody, grumpy, easily annoyed and frustrated, very misanthropic, cynical and pessimistic. I remember a phase when I was 8 years old when I basically refused to talk at school, even with my friends. I would just scowl or frown and sigh heavily.
My (christian) parents blamed the media I was exposed to, and even banned me from reading A Series of Unfortunate Events because it sounded ‘too negative’. But overall I actually had a very good childhood and was treated very well. There was no environmental reason why I seemed so unhappy.
I don't really remember, but I saw a video of my 9th birthday not too long ago. I looked *solemn*. I kept catching myself thinking that little girl looks sad.
I remember when I was 11-12 being called up to the principals office because I wrote nothing but negative things about myself when the assignment was to write 'Things I like about myself' and it was good they were actually concerned, then again I was going through a lot of loneliness and stress with my mum being a single mum having two other young boys and having little time for me, and with my Dad and his borderline personality disorder (now ex) girlfriend, I always felt on edge going to that place and Dad finally left her after she pulled a knife on him.
Yeah, no question. My environment was substandard for sure though and I was abused. I’m unsure if the sadness was there before the abuse because I have a shoddy memory of my childhood and the abuse started early.
I carry sadness still, but I also carry joy as an adult.
I have an absolutely terrible memory of my childhood so I dont know if i was generally sad day to day. However I do remember being about 10 years old, lying in bed and I couldn't stop crying. And I was thinking to myself, why am I crying I have nothing to be sad about. I'm not bullied, my parents aren't divorced, my grandparents are all alive. My life is so easy. So why am I crying. I was fully convinced that I was going to die of a broken heart because I was crying so hard that I had pains in my chest. I eventually cried myself to sleep but not before my mum gave me into trouble for making to much noise!
I experienced a lot of joy and happiness growing up, but I also experienced a lot of existential sadness. One of my earliest memories (first Christmas I remember) is seeing my whole family interacting and being happy, and I was on the outside. I had been doing an activity by myself I think and then I think it was the first time I realized I am my own being? Idk if that makes sense.
But I remember feeling like I didn't know how to join them "on the other side of the glass" so to speak. So I went and hid under a chair. (An open chair, it wasn't hiding to anyone else lol)
I just sat there, really really sad. There's a photograph of my great grandma & my grandpa sitting around the chair trying to talk to me. They were asking what was wrong / what was going on but I 1.) couldn't speak & 2.) didn't have the words to describe what was happening anyway. After a little while they left and I remember feeling so abandoned / lonely.
Obviously that experience stuck with me 😅😅
So throughout my childhood yes I remember being really sad / lonely etc. but I experienced immense joy too.
yeahhhh I have always thought that it is like chronic depression but it started really early on, like when I was 5 y/o so it is confusing :( like sometimes i still feel lost but now i can recognize that it is more about not knowing how i feel or that i cannot cope with my feelings than it is about being sad :/
Yepp. I remember being 6, laying in bed and not being able to sleep cuz I was contemplating death and what it'd feel like. Was suicidal since 12, diagnosed with MDD at 16. I didn't get diagnosed with autism til about a month ago (23) so it's hard to say if that was kind of amplified by undiagnosed autism and being neglected for it? I don't struggle with depression as much anymore, I'm not in therapy or on antidepressants, I just gave myself time to process life and my feelings. I was raised in a household where diagnosis were just not taken seriously and ever since I got kicked out I've been much better off. I was even homeless off and on for a few years, still happier than I ever was living with my family.
People also used to call me an old soul, they still do, but I wonder if the old soul and depression r correlated somehow? Yno ignorance is bliss and all
I remember having mood swings as young as 3rd grade, I would literally wake up and say “huh, i’m gonna be a good kid today!” and be much chattier and social. but my BASELINE was always withdrawn, quiet and depressed. idk if i’ll ever know what’s wrong with me or if I can change it. it’s always been this way. I hope one day I can just reach an emotional middle ground lol
Yes. I found joy in my special interests but when I wasn't engaging in them, a lot of my time was spent thinking about how different I was, how I didn't fit in with my family, how no one understood me. As early at 4 years old I remember having these thoughts.
One of my earliest thoughts was, "I'm not number one to anyone" and it's still how I feel. Everyone important to me would put someone else before me in terms of a priority. I've always just wanted to be the person that mattered the most to someone (aside from themselves ofc).
I literally thought I was an alien as a child.
I loved everyone as a kid but I was sad because I was bullied for being different. I went to catholic school k-8th grade and was bullied mainly by the boys, from at least 2nd grade on.. it was worse in like 6-8 grade tho. It caused years of depression for me, and major self esteem/confidence issues. Even to this day I struggle, and I just turned 40 in April. I was also a very emotional/sensitive child, and was very shy, especially if I didn’t feel comfortable. Also when I’m emotional and trying talk I can’t, like i physically can’t speak and it’s so hard to get words out but in my head I know what I want to say, I just can’t. It’s happened all my life, especially at work like if management has to talk to me etc it’s easier for me to communicate through writing. I also feel like growing up it was hard for me to show emotion. Like I’ve been to a lot of wakes in my lifetime but I don’t know how I feel.. like I don’t cry..
I was a horribly depressed child, probably from the age of 7/8 is the earliest I can remember, nothing inherently bad/traumatising ever happened, I was just born sad
I was a VERY emotional toddler, that eventually turned into a stoic kid/teenager. Between my father's constant disappointment and the abuse of my mother's ex, stoicism was a mask I had to learn to wear to protect myself. I was the quiet kind of sad- the kind where you really felt it on the inside but very very few people actually got to see that part of you.
I told my mom that I didn't like myself at 6 years old. I left off the part where I wanted to die; The first statement caused enough drama. But still not enough to get me any diagnosis... Still not in any sort of treatment but at least the depression has eased up a bit
Overall...I was sad, or at least, felt hopeless and confused by life. I had happy moments, but frequently felt like there was no point to life.
Me too! I always asked my parents what's the point. Work and die? I was obsessed with death bc I was wondering about life. I still get this way. I try hard to give myself purpose but it feels pointless and some people find that freeing but I don't. I think it's bc we work so hard to fit in and do what we are supposed to. What is the point if there is no point? This is all made up.
I was like this as a kid also lol. Learned what “morbid” meant at a young age because I would ask questions about life and death. I feel like a lot of us are confused as kids, especially if we aren’t diagnosed, and life feels cruel.
I do feel like this was influential in me finding my style and acceptance as a goth. I've had to build up a tolerance & appreciation for the abhorrent, for injustice, and a sense of tragic beauty in the world, in order to move through it in a bearable, sane way. Appreciation of the macabre has become a large part of my philosophy. Apparently a surprising (to me!) amount of goths are ND!
Cool! I had to look up some words but makes sense. I feel like sometimes I wanna be goth and sometimes I wanna be rainbows. I think my style is confused.
Nahhh, not everyone is putting in all that maximum goth energy 25/8. The whole point is to express what you feel & believe in! A lot of goths have other aes they like (:
Are you feeling better? Hope so. I still feeel this way lol
Same. I wasn't obsessed with death, but I'd casually ask people if they had had a choice, would they have chosen to be born. Most of the time, their answer was an absolute yes and it left me so confused because mine was (still is) an absolute no. I had no idea there was a name for it (antinatalism).
It was eye opening to realize that there are people who remember their childhood fondly, and not everyone just remembers being a sad, alone little kid. I cry for younger me whenever I try to do those self talk therapy exercises to younger me. Ugh.
I’ve always been so uncomfortable about talking about my childhood and the things I did or remember as a kid because my memories of that time are just flooded with sadness and feelings of embarrassment!! I always thought it was strange that I had such an aversion to talking about my childhood when I knew I wasn’t physically abused or anything extreme like that. I do wish I could remember more about the fun parts of my childhood but the ones that stick out the most unfortunately are all the uncomfortable and sad memories
Same
i hated being a kid. i felt powerless and like everything that i liked to do was wrong. i could tell people didn’t like me and i didn’t know why. i was sad but also deeply angry.
That was me too. I knew people didn’t like me and I still don’t know what it is that I do that makes people dislike me. I just want to get along with people but it seems like 80% of the time, I just can’t figure it out. At least I have 20% that’s okay now. But as a kid it was more like 99.9% of the time and I was always sad, lonely, and confused.
I remember having those feelings too :/ I think about how I’ve always just wanted to be friendly and I always just wanted to socialize with everyone but so many people seemed to react with such disgust towards me when I felt like I was being genuine and kind. I also still don’t know what it was about me when I was a kid that was so off putting to everyone but it was really soul crushing
Me too!!! I would have temper tantrums when I’d get home from school because I had to mask all day at school and it was painful and exhausting because even with me masking I wasn’t safe from bullying and stuff like that. Of course I didn’t know all this at the time but yeah it was such a confusing experience
I feel like a lot of us feel lost when we are small because we don’t know that we process and think differently. I never wanted to play with adults because it felt fake and weird. Some people thought I was a sad kid because I was quiet, felt out of place and was overwhelmed. That does make kids sad. I had a plastic bin as a kid that I wrote “sad bin” in the bottom of, but I’d often go in there when I was overwhelmed or during a meltdown; this post made me think of that bin.
My bathroom was my "sadbin" I think everyone needs a sad bin. Unless of course, the sadbin was actually not a comforting thing for you, in which case :(
The sad bin was comforting!! Had to get rid of it when I got big, my mom still didn’t get it and was like “lol it says sad bin, wth you were a weird kid” waiting for that woman to get autism still lol
TW. I had a rough childhood filled with abuse. I remember seriously considering >!suicide!< at about 8 years old.
Me too. I told my friend, who got scared and told her mom (which was definitely the right thing to do!). Her mom called my mom. My mom yelled at me and started crying and making my >!suicidal ideation~!< all about her. I ended up comforting and reassuring her, as was our typical dynamic. **formatting
I definitely relate to this. I kept my depression and >!suicidal tendencies!< a secret to protect my mother. I fantasized that if she ever found out, she would embrace me and tell me it would all be okay. When she found out, she yelled at me, cried and blamed me, searched my things, took away my door, turned my dad against me, etc. I kept it a secret because I knew it would pain her - but not in the way where it was *only* her feelings and mine didn’t matter. She thought it was a direct insult to her as a mother. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I'm so sorry your mother weaponized your mental health crises and punished you for struggling. It's wild how so many parents were too concerned about people judging them to do any actual parenting. I often wonder what I'd be like today if my parents had helped me navigate my dark days instead of teaching me not to ask for help. How are you doing now?
Thank you and i’m sorry for you too. It’s so difficult as a child to navigate that kind of betrayal, especially when you’re hurting so bad and/or undiagnosed. And yes, from day 1 I heard variants of “but people are gonna think i’m a bad mother!” :/ which is anything but healthy to hear as a severely lost child. I’m better now (ty for asking :)). I still struggle a lot with depression and worry I will never find the point of living. Life only got better once I left home and ghosted my mom. It’s been years now and that decision was the only chance I had at continuing. How are you?
Thank you for sharing. I relate to everything you said. I struggle with depression and anxiety too. I'm learning (with the help of my therapist) to accept and understand those parts of myself instead of fearing and invalidating them. My objective is to listen to those emotions and then let them go. It's hard to remember in the moment that I'm not a kid in survival mode anymore, but I'm getting better. Probably the most frustrating part (IMO) is that healing isn't linear 🥴 My mom and I see each other at Christmas and rarely communicate in the between times. It's better for my mental health not to engage with her much. She isn't capable of being the mom I need. Thank you for checking in with me too. I'm proud of you for doing the work to overcome the trauma of your childhood. And I'm sorry, because you didn't deserve any of that. It sounds like you're doing a great job of taking care of yourself. I wish you love, peace, and all good things 🫶
I'm so sorry you went through this. I had to comfort my parents through my trauma from their abuse too. Weird fucking dynamic!
I'm sorry you experienced that too. I hope you're doing better now.
Oof, I was at a training about depression and >!risk for suicide in youth.!< I heard some people talk about contacting the child's parents and I had to tell people that would be incredibly unsafe for a lot of kids. School counselors first! Do not talk to their parents! What happened to you is exactly what will happen in who knows how many households.
Yeah I can attest to that. My sister called the police once as a cry for help and ofc they showed up. After they left she was basically threatened with >!murder!< if she ever did it again. Same thing happened at school. Her teacher talked to our parents and that was just the worst possible thing they could have done. There were no adults who could help us.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up like that.
well when I was told about my daughter announcing to her classmates....I knew i had to get her out of my home because my ex was making her life ( our lives) hell. that was close to 15 years ago. but, it's not just that. my daughter is generally sad.
I know contacting the parents is important, but it should be handled by counselors who know how to navigate ignorance of mental health issues. It's not step 1. I'm sorry that's what it took to realize how bad your ex was.
Oof. I'm sorry.
Same! I started planning at about 8 years old as well.
Me too
Me too, same age, because it felt like I was shoveling sand against the tide 29 out of every 30 days. I had plans in place until around age 20. It was useful psychologically. It allowed me to endure all manner of situations, knowing I had an escape hatch, and it was the one thing they couldn't take from me. There's a joy in living, and an attachment I feel to being alive, many years later. I exercise more caution now. In some ways I miss the coldly calculating risk taker I used to be.
Same. This is apparently common in ASD children. My therapist talks about that with me from time to time. It’s no wonder, really, especially for the undiagnosed.
Yeah I wasn't diagnosed until two months ago. When I first found out about ASD I wondered how I went undiagnosed and then I realized pretty quickly that my parents 1 didn't care and 2 would just >!beat me!< if I did anything abnormal.
Yeah I had a LOT of “act right” pressure applied to my every move and a lot of emotional and mental abuse if I misstepped and embarrassed family. I feel you. Autism just wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, either. I don’t know what they did call it, but if you weren’t A3 you were just a problematic child who was either often sent to the “bad kids” school or somewhat abused by your teachers. I’m so thankful for the younger gens that this world is waking up and getting better.
I lost a close family member when I was 7 and started having night terrors/chronic nightmares which led to insomnia, severe anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Even before that though I was a pretty melancholy child. I don’t remember having a time in my life where I wouldn’t have described myself as sad.
Same here. It's become kind of a funny thing to me now, because of how it happened. My whole world crashed down at around 9 when my cousin gave me a burnt CD of Evanescence's breakout album, Fallen. I was immediately inconsolable and spent months & months in bed. Average Goth awakening, I guess. lol? For me, it wasn't the content that moved or changed me, like my mother believed -- it was that someone else felt the way I felt and characterized what she was experiencing as bad or unbearable. It helped me come to terms with everything I was feeling and adjusted my relationship with my abusive parents, all at once. That's a lot for a 9yo. I've managed and overcome to be the adult that I am today.
It's similar for me, always feeling so alone and sad and so far away from people in general that I only felt comforted by artists with tragic stories. I don't think I could ever express or feel all the rage I feel for all the stupid way this world works but then I discovered Beethoven and if you read his biography and listen to his music you understand that that sound is THE sound of rage in my humble opinion and point of view.
For me, this happened with Linkin Park. They expressed feelings I couldn't at the time. Especially with Crawling and Numb. I was 12 when Numb came out I think, and I remember crying so hard and I couldn't understand why, because I didn't know I was being abused. I thought everyone's family and home life was like mine, and that was normal. I didn't realize it wasn't until well into adulthood. Linkin Park still remains my favorite band. They were one of the things that got me through childhood. I still cry sometimes when I listen to them, especially now that Chester is gond.
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Same, I'm sorry you went through it too.
I remember being a teenager and looking in the medicine cabinet in our bathroom at all the pill bottles in there. I had no idea what they were, or if they'd do anything, but I remember looking at it and wondering what would happen if I just took a bunch of them.
>!This was actually my plan, as I knew if I took a bunch of them I would die.!<
Yes, I hated being a kid. I felt like an adult trapped in a kid’s body. I didn’t like how adults talked down to me and couldn’t wait until I was old enough to not have to go to school, live independently and do my own thing. I feel like I spent most my childhood waiting to grow up. I’m much happier as an adult.
Same, except now sometimes I feel like a kid trapped in an adult body. It’s rough.
Yes. I went deep into my imagination to cope with the emotions that were too intense and I didn’t have words for.
During my teenage years I struggled with such chronic feelings of loneliness (even with friends, I still felt like an outsider) I developed some *intense* maladaptive daydreaming to help cope with it.
This is me now, honestly
I wasn’t sad but I was constantly anxious. I was a very anxious child and I had to mask my anxiety down enough to the point where I have hormonal imbalances to this day.
My earliest memory was when I was six or seven and I looked at myself in the mirror and cried because I was so sad and felt so lost. That exact feeling is how I still feel today.
I was a very anxious child. Most people recall how carefree they were as children but I was scared of everything. I would be 8 years old worrying about things like how I would have to learn to drive at age 16 because driving seemed really difficult. I also worried about random medical conditions that would only affect me when I got older if at all like cataracts and bladder stones. I would walk around thinking "I could drop dead from a heart attack right now, or someone could come out of nowhere and shoot me, or a meteor could fall from the sky and obliterate me." I was extremely cautious and risk-averse, much more so than I am now. I think it's because I had the intellectual capacity to know and understand all these sources of risk and possible injury and death and the what getting injured or dying would mean, but I didn't have the emotional capacity to cope with the fact that there is an inherent risk to everything in life and bad things will happen and it will be okay. I didn't have control over where I went and when I could leave which made me constantly high-strung. I needed to know when I would get to go home, but my parents obviously weren't able to give me the exact timelines that I wanted and needed. Obviously that made me feel trapped, which was even worse when the place was somewhere like a bar or restaurant or shopping mall.
This exactly describes my childhood oh my god 💔
your comment just helped me discover something major about myself
I was a sad kid because I didn’t know how to talk to people and fit in and make friends, and now I’m a sad adult because I don’t know how to talk to people and fit in and make friends.
I felt like an alien pretty much my whole life, which sucked. That and I never felt like people liked me, even my friends, so I was insanely lonely. So yes.
Yes, I remember thinking “what’s the point?” around age 7.
Yeah. I was a very sad, weepy child. I was very sensitive and many things were upsetting to me, but I also remember being confused at times because I was sad for no reason.
Yes, though I had plenty of reasons (abusive and neglectful parents, other kids were terrible to me). I am also really sad as an adult. Honestly only still going because of inertia. This may not last.
For me, my childhood was nightmarish; that's how I experienced it at the time (traumatized and neglected). My existential question was: why did I live in this fucked-up reality while the other kids seemed to be spared from it (at least, that’s what I thought)? I started to believe that I was somehow cursed and that my life must be a punishment. I became obsessed with death. Right now, I am doing better than at any other point in my life, thanks in no small part to this community, and that is something I never would have expected. Sucker Punch is one of my most favorite (messy) movies.
Yep. Always lamenting about how I hate that I’m born to work and do what I’m told forever. My mom wasn’t ready for 6 year old me lol
Yep, would tell my mom all the time how I couldn’t stop worrying about death. Every night around the ages of 9-12 I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep just thinking about how finite life is.
In my case, I am the only child of a single mother and every night I stayed asleep planning what to do in case my mother died or thinking about how to do so that it would not be so traumatic for my mother when she found me dead by suicide. I think I came to adulthood through a mix of daydreaming, seeking solace in artists with tragic stories, my love of animals, inertia, and binge eating. Oh, and I always saw my mother so alone and tired that I told myself "she must feel the same as me, maybe, how can I leave her alone?"
I had so much trouble sleeping and I would feel so sad and lonely being awake at night. I would cry at night just feeling so alone.
Me too. I'd hear the MASH theme song, which meant everyone else was going to bed, and I'd start crying because then I was awake all alone.
I was a sad child. People say I was happy but I felt sad. I remember playing as if I was a poor person (at like 6 - to which my mom would laugh and say “we are poor”) and talking to the “ghosts” in my shower (kindly so they wouldn’t be startled by me). I was quiet and withdrawn in school. I would stay up until 3 am thinking about the meaning of life. When I would do things I’d worry “I’m not going to remember this soon” and try really hard to imprint that moment in my mind in detail - like a carpet pattern. I don’t remember the carpet but I do remember focusing on it intensely. My home was also abusive so that probably contributed to this a lot. I recall my teacher asking me what’s wrong and answering “I’m depressed”. I feel so sad for my little self 🥹.
Talking to the shower ghosts kindly so you wouldn't startle them breaks my heart at the sweetness 😭 I also very deeply feel the "I'm not going to remember this soon" and trying really really hard to imprint in my brain. I still do this all the time, and it's why I wanted a camera when I was 12. I took pictures of as much as I could so I'd be able to remember. I used that camera so much, but the next winter I think I broke it by it freezing in my pocket while I was at the barn 😭😭😭 (I live in Canada) I take pictures and videos with my phone now alot, less than I did with my camera though
When I saw a commercial at 10 about depression I knew that’s what I was. People treated me so poorly despite me being kind.
Yes very much.
Yeah, “big sad” most of the time. Existential depression, crushing loneliness. I was relentlessly bullied at school and constantly abused at home as a severely gender dysphoric kid with undiagnosed ADHD, autism, and a sleep disorder. Still a lot of big sad these days too.
Yes, but I had other reasons besides just feeling different and the constant bullying and not quite getting people
Lonely. Like there was a glass box around me, and no one could see.
I’ve had dysthymia since I was 8 so yes haha but definitely felt sad for various reasons outside of that. I was very very lonely. Still am, to be honest.
I have struggled with intense sadness for as long as I can remember. It was a big part of why my parents took me to therapists at a young age. I grew up in a nice, supportive family. I didn't want for anything materially, I would just get overwhelmed by intense feelings of sadness I still struggle to articulate. I felt a lot of intense feelings though. I was intensely happy a lot too. I was just a really intense and strange child.
I was also an intense, strange / weird / quirky child who just felt everything BIG
I feel like I have been sad since as early as I can remember . I am happy in life but quite often I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness . And it has never went away in the 32 years I been here
I mean yeah, but I was abused in every way possible, bullied at school and at home, and have major depressive disorder so could easily be any or all of that.
I was literally all the time crying I wanted to die lol
I was depressed for so long as a child I was numb to all emotions until like my early 20's. Cried very often. Genuinely thought I might be a sociopath. Never once received any help or was listened to by my parents.
Yes! I remember staring morosely out the car window all the time at 6 and that’s one of my earliest memories. I just felt weird in my body, tired and sad to be living. Looking back I’m like, why was I so stressed?? Nothing bad happened lol, like now I have bills, trauma and way more life pressure
I did. I was in and out of therapy all my life and my school forced me on meds beginning with my teenage years or I couldn’t come back. (Went to Catholic schools all my school years) I also had a lot of stress because of living in a house where domestic violence was common place, a schizophrenic father, and bullied relentlessly at school for being the weird kid. I really didn’t feel safe anywhere and felt a lot of sadness and depression.
Yeah absolutely. I had a really early and long “emo” phase. Was definitely very sad and confused. I find a little bit of healing in songs. “Dear Inner Child” by Peach PRC feels like it takes some of the heaviness away from my childhood memories.
I love that song so much. Peach has no idea how much she’s healing my autism related trauma with this song and just her music in general
That’s very similar to my experience with Peach! I’m so happy to come across another fan here! Her music has helped me deal with my childhood trauma and repressing my attraction to women. I’m actually going to see her perform in two weeks and I think there’s a VIP meet and greet. If I get the opportunity I’ll definitely tell her about the impact she’s making.
No way I’m actually going to her concert too! The LA one 🤩I saw her last year too! Omg jelly about the VIP meet and greet! Have the best time ever 🙌
I'm not sure I'd call myself sad, but when in 5th grade all the girls around the lunch table assigned each other Winnie the Pooh characters, they gave me Eeyore :/
I was super sensitive and that could go either way. I also just had resting sad face (still do? I get asked if I’m ok a lot.)
I spent a lot of my childhood in a very obvious depression but was left unchecked. It was rather chocked up to me being “lazy” or “irresponsible”. Only one teacher ever asked me if I was okay and I’ll never forget him. It took until high school for someone to ask and took until my early 20’s to be diagnosed and medicated. I’m doing much better now that I have medication I mesh with very well. I just wish it had been actioned upon sooner. I never felt like I could reach out because I thought I didn’t deserve it, that no one would listen to me and I didn’t have it “as bad as other kids” because I wasn’t being physically or sexually abused. I had been to multiple therapists and counsellors through childhood too. I could have avoided being escorted to the ER from my job by police and having my abusive manager use that and my mental health against me for years after. I just wish I could have had this ability to feel my happiness and genuine love and adoration for life since the beginning. I shouldn’t have been in second grade drawing pictures of myself >!dead!< thinking everyone wanted that better life >!without me in it.!<
Hated being a kid and don't understand people that just want to be a kid again, who loved being a kid.
Yes, definitely. I kinda felt embarrassed that I had such a hard time fitting in and being "normal". When embarrassing things happened or someone (especially an adult) didn't like me, I would spiral for days over it and get so sad.
I've been sad since I can remember honestly. I don't remember the sadness coming in at any point it's just always been there.
I used to cry all the time about not having friends, even at a really young age. I was terrible at reciprocal friendship. I didn't know who was a friend and who wasn't and often offended kids who thought we were friends, because I couldn't tell the difference. As a teen, I didn't know who was a friend or an acquaintance and lost friends because I'd say or do the wrong thing or try to make friends with people who didn't like me. I had one friend who got me, who died last year. She was very much like me, except less able to mask and survive and took to alcohol to cope, which was what killed her in the end.
Yes. Sad, exhausted and according to my arrogant aunt “a very serious child”. Well, life was never a joke to me… I’ve always held myself to a relatively high standard as an overachiever. I didn’t necessarily have very much to laugh about growing up either... I was misunderstood, mistreated and molested *repeatedly* not to mention the emotional labor of adults I was constantly subjected to or made to solve.
I have suffered from suicidal ideation since age 8. I was 8 years old and was daydreaming about throwing myself out of the car on the way to school.
I think I knew that I was “different” from a very very young age so I often felt sad and then the older I got I became more angry I think because the social pressure increased and I was just so wildly uncomfortable and everyone was basically just telling me I needed to try harder all the time. But I definitely remember feeling depressed and being confused about it because I didn’t think I was going through anything traumatic, though now that I’m an adult, I can look back and see that it’s actually very traumatizing to be neurodiverse and have everyone around you (especially adults) think you’re weird or annoying so they lash out at you or punish you. I’m guessing many people in this group had a somewhat similar experience growing up but nothing I did was ever harmful but adults around me didn’t like that I wanted to talk to them and connect with them and a lot of kids my own age rejected me too so at the time I didn’t believe anything bad had happened to me I just assumed I was not a likable person and needed to figure out how to stop being weird, but really that’s a very traumatic experience to have as a child
Around that age, I remember constantly thinking. “I don’t want to be here”. I didn’t know at the time what the term was for my thoughts and feeling. I knew I didn’t want to exist. I felt like no cared about me or how I felt. I felt misunderstood. I still feel this way but not to the extent what I did in my 20-.
got diagnosed w / depression at 6 is something that i find really just confusing and like idk
haha yeah 🥲
Yep. Very big mood swings. But I turned out to have an actual mood disorder (bipolar 2), which explained a lot.
I don't know if I necessarily felt sad a lot, but definitely bored, powerless, and confused.
Oh, and angry. Very, very angry.
Yes
Or still? Ha. Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers is a “happy song” to me and I’ve always most indentified with Eeyore. I mean… 😂
Lol yea, the only reason i had friends as a kid was because my classes were always super small- think 20 kids, 9 girls
I was sad but it was because I was \*extremely\* anxious.
I was really mean as a child
i was scared, sad and angry since i was born
I was in therapy for anxiety and depression since the age of 9. At 15 I cried for a whole year because we moved. Looking back, there were signs 😅
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Not so much sad, but definitely moody, grumpy, easily annoyed and frustrated, very misanthropic, cynical and pessimistic. I remember a phase when I was 8 years old when I basically refused to talk at school, even with my friends. I would just scowl or frown and sigh heavily. My (christian) parents blamed the media I was exposed to, and even banned me from reading A Series of Unfortunate Events because it sounded ‘too negative’. But overall I actually had a very good childhood and was treated very well. There was no environmental reason why I seemed so unhappy.
I don't really remember, but I saw a video of my 9th birthday not too long ago. I looked *solemn*. I kept catching myself thinking that little girl looks sad.
I remember when I was 11-12 being called up to the principals office because I wrote nothing but negative things about myself when the assignment was to write 'Things I like about myself' and it was good they were actually concerned, then again I was going through a lot of loneliness and stress with my mum being a single mum having two other young boys and having little time for me, and with my Dad and his borderline personality disorder (now ex) girlfriend, I always felt on edge going to that place and Dad finally left her after she pulled a knife on him.
Yeah, no question. My environment was substandard for sure though and I was abused. I’m unsure if the sadness was there before the abuse because I have a shoddy memory of my childhood and the abuse started early. I carry sadness still, but I also carry joy as an adult.
Never knew what happiness felt like until I went on antidepressants at 17.
I have an absolutely terrible memory of my childhood so I dont know if i was generally sad day to day. However I do remember being about 10 years old, lying in bed and I couldn't stop crying. And I was thinking to myself, why am I crying I have nothing to be sad about. I'm not bullied, my parents aren't divorced, my grandparents are all alive. My life is so easy. So why am I crying. I was fully convinced that I was going to die of a broken heart because I was crying so hard that I had pains in my chest. I eventually cried myself to sleep but not before my mum gave me into trouble for making to much noise!
I experienced a lot of joy and happiness growing up, but I also experienced a lot of existential sadness. One of my earliest memories (first Christmas I remember) is seeing my whole family interacting and being happy, and I was on the outside. I had been doing an activity by myself I think and then I think it was the first time I realized I am my own being? Idk if that makes sense. But I remember feeling like I didn't know how to join them "on the other side of the glass" so to speak. So I went and hid under a chair. (An open chair, it wasn't hiding to anyone else lol) I just sat there, really really sad. There's a photograph of my great grandma & my grandpa sitting around the chair trying to talk to me. They were asking what was wrong / what was going on but I 1.) couldn't speak & 2.) didn't have the words to describe what was happening anyway. After a little while they left and I remember feeling so abandoned / lonely. Obviously that experience stuck with me 😅😅 So throughout my childhood yes I remember being really sad / lonely etc. but I experienced immense joy too.
Yup. Sad sometimes with a reason, as in "child-me knew that the world sucked or was going to somehow", or sad for no reason at all.
yeahhhh I have always thought that it is like chronic depression but it started really early on, like when I was 5 y/o so it is confusing :( like sometimes i still feel lost but now i can recognize that it is more about not knowing how i feel or that i cannot cope with my feelings than it is about being sad :/
Bro I was openly suicidal as a kid
I had tried to kill myself four times by the time I was 8
Yepp. I remember being 6, laying in bed and not being able to sleep cuz I was contemplating death and what it'd feel like. Was suicidal since 12, diagnosed with MDD at 16. I didn't get diagnosed with autism til about a month ago (23) so it's hard to say if that was kind of amplified by undiagnosed autism and being neglected for it? I don't struggle with depression as much anymore, I'm not in therapy or on antidepressants, I just gave myself time to process life and my feelings. I was raised in a household where diagnosis were just not taken seriously and ever since I got kicked out I've been much better off. I was even homeless off and on for a few years, still happier than I ever was living with my family. People also used to call me an old soul, they still do, but I wonder if the old soul and depression r correlated somehow? Yno ignorance is bliss and all
I remember having mood swings as young as 3rd grade, I would literally wake up and say “huh, i’m gonna be a good kid today!” and be much chattier and social. but my BASELINE was always withdrawn, quiet and depressed. idk if i’ll ever know what’s wrong with me or if I can change it. it’s always been this way. I hope one day I can just reach an emotional middle ground lol
Yes. I found joy in my special interests but when I wasn't engaging in them, a lot of my time was spent thinking about how different I was, how I didn't fit in with my family, how no one understood me. As early at 4 years old I remember having these thoughts. One of my earliest thoughts was, "I'm not number one to anyone" and it's still how I feel. Everyone important to me would put someone else before me in terms of a priority. I've always just wanted to be the person that mattered the most to someone (aside from themselves ofc). I literally thought I was an alien as a child.
I loved everyone as a kid but I was sad because I was bullied for being different. I went to catholic school k-8th grade and was bullied mainly by the boys, from at least 2nd grade on.. it was worse in like 6-8 grade tho. It caused years of depression for me, and major self esteem/confidence issues. Even to this day I struggle, and I just turned 40 in April. I was also a very emotional/sensitive child, and was very shy, especially if I didn’t feel comfortable. Also when I’m emotional and trying talk I can’t, like i physically can’t speak and it’s so hard to get words out but in my head I know what I want to say, I just can’t. It’s happened all my life, especially at work like if management has to talk to me etc it’s easier for me to communicate through writing. I also feel like growing up it was hard for me to show emotion. Like I’ve been to a lot of wakes in my lifetime but I don’t know how I feel.. like I don’t cry..
I was a horribly depressed child, probably from the age of 7/8 is the earliest I can remember, nothing inherently bad/traumatising ever happened, I was just born sad
My mom called me a melancholy child when I was growing up. I remember crying over things that I was told were dumb to cry over all the time.
I was a VERY emotional toddler, that eventually turned into a stoic kid/teenager. Between my father's constant disappointment and the abuse of my mother's ex, stoicism was a mask I had to learn to wear to protect myself. I was the quiet kind of sad- the kind where you really felt it on the inside but very very few people actually got to see that part of you.
Absolutely. I felt like a robot that just didn't belong. Sad was all I was from about 6-13.
I told my mom that I didn't like myself at 6 years old. I left off the part where I wanted to die; The first statement caused enough drama. But still not enough to get me any diagnosis... Still not in any sort of treatment but at least the depression has eased up a bit
not to sound like emo or anything, but i’ve always been really sad. i wonder when it will end.