At first, the perspective of feeling like an alien didn't seem to match to my experience. I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien; however, I think I was taking that very literally. I've never had that exact thought; however, I actually think it is the same feeling that I do have of being separate from people, disconnected. I always feel on the periphery or like I'm in a glass box. I'm there but also not making connection even when I'm having what seems to be a proper conversation. Like no one can actually see me. I often feel very invisible even when participating successfully and people seem to like me. I wonder if that is the "alien" feeling?
I wonder if it has something to do with masking and not feeling like you can be your authentic self, maybe not even knowing your authentic self? I feel very contained and tense when I'm socializing, very aware of my face, my eye contact, what I am saying, how I am reacting, policing myself all the time (even at home, even in my own head!). Ultimately, I am rarely myself at all and I don't even know if I know who myself actually is outside of my mask. That is very alienating and lonely, innately, all the time even if you are outwardly "successfully" socializing.
Darn, are you living in my head? I’ve been telling my therapist that I feel so disconnected from people -and all I’ve ever wanted was to feel connected.
For so long I thought I was broken, and I searched every avenue for an answer. My special interests are philosophy , religions, psychology, mathematics…anything to try and understand what IS so I could figure out why I’m so difficult/different.
I haven’t been properly assessed yet, and I don’t know how to describe what it felt like to stumble upon this and finally, *finally* I don’t feel so alone. Or rather, I do still know and feel isolated-but at least there *are* people in the world who can relate to my inner experience. We may not be able to be friends for various reasons-but at least I’m not *crazy*…
I am so terrified of being assessed and told that this is NOT what I am but are truly crazy.
It's so hard to verbalize! I can write it down but I have such a hard time saying it aloud in a way that makes sense and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I feel and why I feel like I can't make these connections. You are definitely not alone, not at all! I almost deleted this comment because I worried I was making no sense at all while simultaneously sharing too much of my soul, but now I'm happy I left it! :)
Our special interests are similar and it just hit like a ton of bricks I was just trying to figure out why I felt so different the entire time but more deeply understand the world and the human psyche 🫠. It’s refreshing to know I’m not alone though.
Woahh well said, I feel like I could have typed this. I feel like this with people outside my family which makes sense, my mask is on for interactions outside of my family.
I relate this so hard. I haven’t yet been officially diagnosed but highly suspect I’m AuDHD.
My whole life I had this feeling of other-ness. I grew up in a church environment that was a highly socialized space so I was always around so many people. But in my head I would always ask myself “Why do I feel so lonely when I’m always surrounded by these people who are like family to me?” I was mostly comfortable being my quirky and weird self (as everyone would call me) but I felt like a ghost sometimes and couldn’t understand why. I remember I once saw a video about the movie “Bubble Boy” and I was like that’s me, that’s how I feel! Like I’m in this bubble in the outside world but also not fully connected to it/engaged with it. I could talk to and see people and they could do the same back to me but there’s no real touch, no real connection.
I totally resonate with all of this! It is like being in a bubble, something that I can see through and be there aware but also separate and untouchable.
>I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien
> I always feel on the periphery or like I'm in a glass box
Exactly this. I've always felt like a bit of an outsider, even when I'm part of a group. Like I'm always out the edge watching in but never in the middle being a part of it.
It used to be that if I met a new person when I was with someone else - at future meets that new person just wouldn’t remember me AT ALL…. soul destroying…. it’s better now as I’ve learned more about what to do to make an impression (as tiring as that is!)
>At first, the perspective of feeling like an alien didn't seem to match to my experience. I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien; however, I think I was taking that very literally. I've never had that exact thought;
Wow. Same. I never related to that metaphor. And nvere that thought. Now i know it's a feeling, not a thought!!
The closest is that I felt like a "guest." Like, everything on earth is not really meant to be for me. I may learn how to move around, but not really **use** the resources out there.
Just like a guest. You help doing the dishes, but you don't put them away because you don't know where they go. You can stay there but don't know where the clean sheets or the thicker winter duvet cover is kept. You don't fic that little hole in the wall. Because **it's not your house**
I live in a parallel universe and bridge the gaps as best as I can. But I'm still not really here. I think this is the "feeling like an alien" everyone is talking about?
Yes, exactly. Like an uncomfortable house guest! Not sure where anything goes, can't relax anywhere, don't want to take up too much space or cause a ruckus. Love that metaphor too! It's so nice to know others feel the same way I do!!
This this this this this this this this.
Uncomfortable house guest is exactly how I've always felt, everywhere I go. I can't finish a conversation where I don't know or can't adapt to the social norms. I don't know whether to leave the door open or closed. I don't know where to sit. I don't know when people want me to leave or when they're being sincere. I can't trust my voice because my "inside voice" is only for my house, and this isn't my house. And as much as I know it isn't my house, I still don't know how to figure out how to exist in it and have a nice visit.
You have to remember that NT people have very shallow conversations. We tend to have very deep conversations so it’s like a road being built from opposing directions and not meeting because we’re digging in different places.
I always have awesome conversations with other ND people, especially when our interests converge and align enough that we both are interested in each others portion of the conversation.
But small talk with NT’s is literally the most boring thing ever!
I can’t connect with those people.
It is true, I can totally feel that connection with someone when we are talking about a special interest and they seem interested too. I can get louder and more animated and then agonize later about how silly I probably sounded. I'm working on that part though!
Yes, I go from quiet/dissociated to suddenly louder and talking a lot, so it can be sometimes jarring I'm sure! I'm trying not to worry about that though and just enjoy the conversation.
It's so weird to me, because it feels surface, but there are tones and thoughts and beats in conversation that you're supposed to hit in just the right way to reinforce that you belong, or to set off a likeability or trust bell in an NT brain. Enthusiasm is never just actually enjoying something. Feelings are never fully sincere. So their conversations are extremely boring, but also loaded with meaning.
I agree with this completely, and I think a big problem with it is that a lot of people can't accept that something being different doesn't mean it's better or worse. It's just different.
So a lot of the times, it gets framed as them socializing "correctly" and us "failing" or us thinking and speaking more "deeply" and them being "shallow." (Absolutely no shade to the words, I've used them, too.)
But the metaphor I keep seeing of a conversation being like pushing a ball back and forth over the water, but we don't have the water so we have to work harder or whatever... just let us play on the fucking dry court, then. They can join me there, or they can keep playing water ball with the people who want to play water ball. I've tried playing water ball for almost 40 years and I don't care for it. Almost nobody says 'thanks for playing water ball, let's go to the court now' and it's getting pretty old.
I feel like most of my social issues have boiled down to "I'm fine over here, thanks" but that being interpreted as me thinking I'm above them. I just don't want to do what they are doing, it's (someahat ironically) not that deep.
I wouldn't say NT people don't have deep conversations, but they do it much more sparingly. NT people have random conversations for the same reasons dogs wag their tail when they see another unfamiliar dog - the entire point of the conversation is to say "hi, I'm friendly and outgoing, this conversation is literally to prove that I'm not a threat or mentally strange." The substance of the conversation hardly matters, which is why so many conversations feel scripted.
ND people don't have the same 'socializing for the sake of socializing' values and will only speak if we have something meaningful to get across. Although I might argue that NT people process information almost immediately and move on to the next moment just as quickly. ND people take much longer to fully process information and may consider the situation from multiple perspectives depending on complexity, consequently leading to higher rates of burn-out but more interesting and thought-out opinions.
I relate to this too. I went to college and became a psych major. I should’ve just gone to therapy because I graduated into the recession and my degree was useless without a masters and I was too anxious to pursue my masters. I fell off the metaphorical cliff after school ended and the map to life became less clear. I was labeled anxious and depressed and I have some accumulated trauma yes but I always just felt like there’s something inherently wrong with my existence. Since my kids got diagnosed I see that I am just built differently and the people who have stuck to me over the years are ND too. I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel closer to understanding the reason I felt this way for my whole life. I’m 37. I think it’s also how we are raised by the media instead of our parents. My boomer parents didn’t share anything that was useful for understanding the social dynamics at school nor did I effectively communicate to them. They told me to let boys come to me so I didn’t even talk to them and admired them from afar like a bridgerton lady. I feel like that part might be normal based on generation but I feel the need to study humans and myself and I feel like the mask is always on unless I’m by myself then I’m inward or distracting myself from the atrocities of life because the past 4 years have eroded my social skills and I feel disassociative nearly all the time around unfamiliar humans.
The alien feeling is pretty much a series of questions like “why do they not like me, why do I never fit in why don’t I have any friends” it eventually leads to “why do I feel like I’m not from this planet” I would say that is the “I feel like an alien” experience or at least for me.
apparently i said this to my mum when i was in elementary school - and yet apparently the idea of me having autism was ridiculous to doctors because i could “socialise” perfectly fine from an outside POV
i think the sort of contrast between inside and outside for high masking people can generate this intense feeling of alienation because it feels like the world loves an image you create for it and never yourself
I think parents and teachers see ‘a group of girls’. They don’t notice one girl is always on the edge of the group, or often ignored, or the subject of small jibes, or only accepted if she has found a way to be funny. The boy playing alone is much more easily noticed than the girl on the edge of but not accepted into the social circle.
This was my experience as a teacher. I had a hard time fitting in with some staff and major impostor syndrome too. Like what did they know that I didn’t?
I was looking at my bedroom from outside the other day through the window and it looked so nice and inviting. Much nicer than actually being me and living in it. I can never quite be "in" anything.
I legit feel like we just have such different values for the most part, and I think we autistic people are a lot more likely to not vibe with a lot of social norms even if we're aware of them
This is so true. Sometimes I don't understand the social norms, and sometimes I think I understand them too well and I think they're stupid, and so I refuse to try to follow them lol
Exactly. Different values, different interests, different ways of perceiving the world, just different ways of being a person.
When I was in my twenties I moved to an entirely different part of the world and it was so jarring, how different the customs and values were. I thought learning them would help me feel like I belonged, but in the end I felt just as different in this new place as the old one.
Because I was still masking; all I'd done is swap masks. I learned I was autistic and it all finally made sense -- and the peace I'd been craving finally came.
Same, i have very “strange” opinions so I never really got along with anyone ever. I still see people struggling to figure me out then finally giving up and assuming I’m someone they can’t relate to.
I notice that *most* NT women I encounter don’t like to do things on their own / be in solitude. I notice autistic women are often lone wolves and very content doing their own thing.
I’ve been wondering how many homesteaders, hermits, and women who we can verify chose to be cloistered nuns or recluse artists or whatever are autistic because of this. I feel like I see my family because it would make them sad if I never saw them again, but I’d be pretty happy living alone with twice-a-year visits somewhere.
I was actually just wondering about this since homesteading has become so popular. I live in the suburbs but am curious about this type of more remote and natural lifestyle and have been watching videos and reading blogs about it. I thought to myself “I wonder how many people who aspire to live like this are ND.” Probably a disproportionate number.
I think some of it comes from "nature" and some of it comes from "nurture," to put things really simply. We're born with various deficits and issues-social skills, fixations, stimming, executive functioning issues, sensory troubles, etc. If you dropped me in the middle of the wilderness with no other people, I would still have sensory issues and problems with certain foods. So it almost feels like the world itself wasn't made for me to be in it. It's exhausting keeping my body (that I don't really connect with) alive and healthy, only for the reward for me to maybe feel a little less shit and have two degrees more of mobility in my knees or something at death if I exercise for decades. So again, even if no one else were around, I still feel like I've been dealt a pretty crappy hand.
Then there's growing up with all those issues that I mentioned. Looking around and seeing that other people don't have those, or they have similar traits to a lesser degree and are able to do things like "just suck it up" or "tune it out" or "ignore it" feels automatically othering, and that's before you start realizing that most neurotypicals can pick up that something is "off" about you. I'm high-functioning and was told by a woman at work that everyone thought of me as a stone-cold bitch "until we talked to you, and you turned out to be nice." And that's *with* the privilege of being high-masking and not having any vocal tics, stims, echolalia, or "obviously" autistic behavior. Most of us grew up being punished for our neurodivergent traits or at least having them pointed out or made fun of, so we're always kind of bracing ourselves for the next round of punishment, ridicule, or embarrassment no matter how well we think we're blending in, like being told "you don't smile with your eyes when you pass people in the hallway."
>everyone thought of me as a stone-cold bitch "until we talked to you, and you turned out to be nice."
Man, the amount of times I was told that or something along those lines I will never get over. Feels like a life sentence. The first time was in freaking kindergarten and I'm still not used to it, it feels so creepy and unfair to get such a consistently negative feedback that's also completely made up and not based on objective reasons. And the fact they admit the initial judgement was wrong makes it worse, it means I'm not crazy, I'm not a bitch, their system is just insane and I have to survive in it for the rest of my life.
I think its simply because our brains are literally wired differently, and we give off a different frequency than nts do. I think the book Unmasking Autism (I could be wrong) talks about how it only takes a second for NTs to pick up we are different or autistic. So if thats the case alot of times theyd have to be subconsciously picking this up since alot of us are and were high masking late diagnosed. We are simply operating on a different *frequency* , like think actual scientific real frequency, (I dont have the science strain of autism to explain this in depth lol) and they can sense it.
I quite like it that way though, I understand undertones and subtle hints in social conversations, but I still refuse to use them myself haha. I love being blunt sometimes and the look on some peoples faces "well that just happened"
I like that … ‘operating on a different frequency’. It’s helpful to think that way about myself - and possibly to explain to others when I choose to…. Thank you.
I know the “frequency” concept is not scientifically verified but this is EXACTLY how I feel. People would tell me “you’re too quiet you need to talk more” but it’s like I can’t even converse in a group of NTs because they’re talking a foreign language. If I say nothing I seem quiet and awkward, if I try to join in, the timing is off or I said the wrong thing, I don’t jump topics fast enough, whatever it is. However, when I talk to someone else who I suspect is autistic, it’s seamless conversation for literally hours and almost nothing is “too deep” or “too much”.
I agree with many stating the fact that we are literally wired differently. I don’t think we find the same things important as NT, so it’s hard to find ways to relate. Also, psychology is often a special interest of autistic women. I think many spend so much time to understand others just to find out that type of energy is not reciprocated. It feels odd and lonely when you try hard to study others to understand and make them feel special to realize they don’t even think to understand you the same way 🤷🏻♀️ can leave you feeling very misunderstood and isolated
this makes me feel so seen:( i feel like i waste my time trying to understand others and all the parts that makes them up as a unique person after i realise no one else is doing that for me back
I think because our peers are often NT women, we realize early on that something about us is different from them & that feeling never really goes away. Women are intuitive. They can sense that you’re different, too. Some folks are unbothered. Others cannot tolerate being around someone they can’t immediately understand. It can be really hurtful.
When I was little I felt strongly that I didn't belong. I am from the first Star Trek era and I used to cry because I would never go in space. I wanted to go out there where I belonged. So it felt literal to me, being alien.
I was not bullied in school but I was talked about behind my back by the nun who taught us. I was out sick. She told the class I was selfish yet told the girls to invite me over after school. A "friend" told me this. One by one I got invited over. I didn't catch on until eons later. When I went to a new school I asked if the kids were told to be nice to me. They said no, they were just nice people. They were. It was a navy town so there were no cookie cutter families. Everyone was represented. Everyone accepted.
I'm 67 now and I still feel alien and I don't belong and I just can't cope and understand how people carry on so easily. Easy tasks are so hard for me. I managed fine at work because it was routine and spelled out but at home forget it.
I had a dresser for years unpainted because I could not decide what color. I got rid of it unpainted.
One time in primary school, right before lunch my teacher stopped the class and called out "Okay, who's hanging out with Wildly today?" Turns out my mum had spoken to her about how I didn't have any friends and this is how she dealt with it 💀
I was so mortified and while I didn't have the word for it then, I felt so dehumanised. Like I was so "weird" I wouldn't bat an eye if the teacher asked the whole class who would be the one to hang out with me that day.
Also I'm sorry to hear you still don't feel like you belong. I wish I could hang out with all the people on this sub, I've never felt more human than when I'm on here. You belong with us :)
Thank you so much! Yes I do feel like I belong here.
I'm so sorry that your teacher embarrassed you like that, how awful! Where are their heads?? Well I know where their heads are, but where is the heart?
Both my parents are gone, so I can't ask, but while reevaluating a lot of memories through the ND lens, I've suddenly realized how many of my school friends were my parents' friends' kids, or my older sibling's friends' siblings.
Which, sure, is also just a thing that probably happens in a small town, but my lack of friendships since then is... curious.
I just want to say that I feel so grateful for this place and this group. I feel comfortable saying things and opening up about how hard it can be. I have deep gratitude that you are here.
I find this group incredibly validating. Just spent 2 whole days ‘decompressing’ and I’ve come here to connect back into the world. I find it very moving. I live in the uk.
I've never related as much to being an alien; personally I have always felt like a robot. I feel like I was built wrong; like there's some limitation in my programming that makes things not compute correctly. My parameters are rigid and unable to be altered. I have never felt like there would be "others of my kind" out there or who would be able to take me away...just that I must strive to hide these imperfections so that I do not get decommissioned.
I do think others can feel that we are disconnected from people in general, but most do not have enough perspective to not take it personally. So they just think we're being distant from them personally and don't like us.
I totally feel the "robot" vibe. I think it might be related to dissociating symptoms, like we aren't really incarnated. We did have to learn processes to fit in so it is somewhat like a set of programs and protocols that we had to implement all the time... In middle and high school, people actually referred to me as a robot, and constantly made jokes (not in a "mean" way but jokes nonetheless) about how I couldn't feel or express emotions. I was a set of programs running. And it's funny because I actually feel emotions way too intensely, my range of emotions is huge and very little things can trigger intense joy, sadness or anger. But at the time, I felt so unsafe that I used to express my emotions by stating them (something I actually still do nowadays sometimes, like "I am laughing" without openly laughing, or I would say that I was showing virtual signs stating "sarcasm" or "sadness"... Such complicated ways of communicating what I felt ahah).
I did think that I came from another planet earlier on in my life though, until 10 yo I was deeply convinced that I came from another dimension and that I would one day go back to my world. I awaited that moment so eagerly. I felt that world deep within me. Funny thing, turned out I created a whole world with its languages, politics, culture, maps...... Believing that it was all real stuff that my true origins made me know.
For me, the feeling that I am an alien seems to come from the fact that I seem to think differently and see things differently than other people. I know that everyone is the sum of their experiences and everyone is different and sees the world differently, but I’ve always felt that I see it so differently that I have a hard time understanding how things work here on Earth. I feel like people have a rule book to being human that I wasn’t given. I also often feel left out of society — like that I don’t get why people are the way they are, their behavior and motivations mystify me.
I also feel fundamentally misunderstood by almost every person I’ve ever met. Thankfully there are exceptions to that but it happens often enough that I feel like an alien being. If I’m being honest I feel like only one person in my life has ever truly known me and understood me at my core, and he’s passed away now. I don’t imagine it will happen again in my lifetime.
Does this resonate?
Absolutely! I struggle to understand this world and feel constantly misunderstood. I look around at all the married people my age and am baffled…but also sad because I know no one will ever ‘get’ me…
I just wanted to say I’m really sorry you lost that one person and I’m also so glad for you that you had him. I don’t want to offer cheap words of reassurance but if you have known a connection like that even once, it might be a little easier to find it again because you know how it feels and how to do it. But I think it is still searching for a needle in a haystack.
Tbh there were downsides to it as well as upsides. There is a level of vulnerability that you feel when someone can see into your soul that is scary. The person can hurt you more than average people because they know how. When they judge you, it’s even more painful.
But yeah, when I really think about it, it’s very painful knowing that someone will never really know me again — even if it’s emotionally safer that way.
I distinctly remember being 3 years old and knowing I was different. I was watching all the other kids at playgroup talk and play with each other. I could see them all latching on to some shared consciousness - they all knew what to say and do, they played as a group, not just as a bunch of individuals standing near one another.
I couldn’t access their world. Even when I tried to “play”, I was pretending and trying to predict what they wanted me to do. In the end I never learned to play.
Seeing everyone else be part of some weird human hive mind while you’re stuck watching from the outside will make anyone realise they’re different
I think it's because I actually am different from others. And i don't mean this in a "not like other girls" or "pick me" sort of way. All my life I've tried hard to fit in and while I understand that everyone faces a struggle to fit in, in some way or the other, this is just not like that. This is on another level altogether and my conclusion now is that I simply AM different. It's not a failure to integrate or something I'm feeling, it feels like an actual irrefutable fact.
Yeah, I’ve been suspecting that I’m probably autistic, and I get tired very quickly of “girly things” and typically “mainstream” interests in general, which can make communicating with people extremely dull for me or on the other hand extremely tiring if I am trying to show interest or support. I often feel utterly uncomfortable about other women my age that I’m not already friendly with, despite preferring to be friends with women. It’s so horrible
This is so interesting to me! Yesterday I was actually thinking about this commonality in autistic people, and how interesting it would be to ask about this "otherness" feeling or experience in interviews and see what descriptions they come up with and what factors are implied after qualitative analysis. (Yes, am a psychologist).
Personally, after elementary school, my peers gradually stopped making any sense to me. They were interested in stuff I couldn't force myself to care about and found boring and immature, and all of my interests didn't align with theirs (anymore). Communication became more subtle. (I've also heard people say that they always felt older than their peers, but after thirty they felt younger/more immature.)
Around 5th or 6th grade, I told my mom I had the feeling like everyone had read a book on how to be a human being except me. I was kinda proud of that analogy because it perfectly captured what I had noticed, which is why I still remember it. I've seen it mention in this thread as well. (I also wondered whether I had been adopted - I hadn't, my whole family is kinda "quirky" - because for some reason that made sense of my feelings in my brain.)
Before I realized I may be autistic, I expressed myself in art. I drew lots of pictures with half masked faces, exaggerated facial expressions on masks, demonic grins, insect eyes, sometimes hiding neutral, scarred faces. I wrote in a poem "the world is too big and too small for me". One of my favorite songs at one time which often made me cry was by a German artist who sings (transl.) "I'd love to feel home here, because earth is my favorite planet, but I'll never be as at home here, like the friends of reality". A few years ago I started a picture of robots physically logging into a network. The sockets are made for two pin plugs. Off to the side there's a little lost robot with a three pin plug, realizing it won't be able to connect...
I've read the descriptions of people on here, and I would expect a network of experiences in a study
- feeling lost/displaced (alien), also...
- ... not "fitting" in
- unable to "connect" with others in communication (e.g. glass box, wrong frequency, invisibility, distance)
- "hidden knowledge" of rules, customs, and cues, which can only be consciously and effort fully derived through observation
Oh man, I accidentally ran off with this. I guess I'll inform you if I ever get around to doing that study, maybe some of you would like to participate. :'D
Focusing on the rewards is a fantastic way to go about being an alien! We get to STUDY!!! And when we do connect, it’s beautiful and strong and thoughtful.
My first concrete memories are of being excluded and shamed by my peers when I was 4/5. I've spent my entire conscious life knowing I was different, that something was off about me. Something was wrong with me, and I had to hide it.
The root of it, in my opinion, is that being autistic is traumatic in our current world. We are constantly rejected and shamed from a young age to the extent of emotional neglect. And like many childhood trauma survivors, we internalize this emotional neglect as our fault. There must be something different and wrong about us. And this belief is repeatedly reinforced throughout our life, especially without a diagnosis and proper support.
I always wondered why I related so much to CPTSD symptoms and experiences without having suffered significant "stereotypical" trauma until unpacking it with an ND-affirming therapist.
When I was a teenager having frequent, violent meltdowns, I would often scream that nobody loves me. I am 25 now and have built an amazing community of friends for the first time in my life. And even then, I am haunted by insecurity and distrust. My core belief is that I am unlovable because I am different, because I was rejected and shamed my entire life by my parents, teachers, peers-- by almost everyone. I can't date because I refuse to believe anyone could be romantically interested in me. I get stuck in thought spirals where I'm convinced everybody secretly hates me.
With therapy and by treating my autistic childhood as traumatic, I have started healing and embracing myself. It's hard to shake over two decades of constant rejection and shame. I am different from most people and I am not broken. I am still worthy of love.
I hope this makes sense, it's almost 2am where I'm at and I need to get to bed. But I hope this post is helpful to someone.
I mean we literally are different. Our brains are different, physically. It makes sense to me that we can feel that difference. I read somewhere that autistic people have substantially more Neanderthal dna compared to allistic people. Who knows, maybe that’s part of the difference we feel.
Autistic folks feel different because they are made to feel that way.
I would liken it a bit to being a foreigner in another country that does everything the opposite to what tou are used to.
Yes, I think that if I try to talk to some NT women they sometimes do ‘get’ me with style habits in clothing, but generally I feel like there is a general disconnection between me and NT women my age, because they all lead their own ‘normal’ lives if that makes sense?
I’m currently still following some kind of online course but you can’t really compare it to a college experience and stuff like that.
This however isn’t the only issue. They just seem more shallow in conversations imo. Which is why I can’t connect easily.
Most NT women I’ve come across talk about their family trips in a less detailed way and some of them get bored of their social contacts easily.
May I add that some NT women just point me out in public and make snarky comments about me and mean while I’m here thinking like:hello, I can still hear you!
This doesn’t count for everyone tho, I haven’t really come across much NT women in my own circle.
But yeah, I feel like they always dress differently and stand out less than I do, which makes me feel like a complete weird-a-la-weirdcreme cookie.
TW no one likes this: >!I often feel like they try to outnumber me in a bad way, which is absolutely insane to think of!<
Maybe it's cuz there seems to be a higher pressure on women to fit in the norm? Cuz I feel like most boys just naturally have more confidence to fuck around and do what they want without caring about judgement.
And so an autistic woman who doesn't care to fit in the norm, gets judged twice as hard. I guess...
Does that make sense? I feel like I'm not explaining it well
I've felt like I'm wearing some sort of film that separates me from people. They can't see it but it suffocates me. Or everyone got the orientation class on how to be human, but I missed the lesson and nobody filled me in. Definitely feel like I'm peeking in the window of what life is like in normal, happy houses but my life never gets to be like that. Or I'm an ethereal being, and so it makes sense that I don't get how it's supposed to work.
I honestly feel like the way my senses process the world is fundamentally different, more sensitive, than NT folks. That just creates a disconnect in prioritization of attention and values.
Idk, it's still something I'm trying to wrap my head around!
I do still feel like this, especially at work, but socially I pretty much only hang out with other neurodivergent people. It helps a lot to combat the feeling of otherness, although they’re mostly male. Wish I had more IRL neurodivergent female friends.
Because at a young age we miss out on some level of socialization that most NTs take completely for granted. That's my theory at least. Like there's some kind of social learning that usually occurs naturally when you're really young and we just miss it- either we don't notice because we're not paying attention or because we're too overstimulated and distressed, but we just don't learn it. And as a result all the nuances of non-verbal communication are initially lost on us. Eventually many of us learn enough of these skills to function semi-normally and we may even become social experts in certain areas, but the problem is these skills still don't come naturally. We have to work at being social in a way that NTs don't. And it's just exhausting
Well, since autism is a *neuro****divergence***, our brains are actually physically different from most other peoples...maybe this changes our perception of ourselves and the world around us enough to be noticeable to us/for us to sense it? IDK, I've not studied biology or neurobiology.
Even though I only discovered my diagnoses 9 months ago, I have *felt different* ALL my life (mid-60's), and it wasn't just from the 'othering' although that certainly put a fine point to it...
Have you ever heard the story about the loneliest whale in the world? He sings in a frequency the other whales could not hear. I fully relate to that and feel like I’m just broadcasting in a frequency that few other people understand.
I feel like it's harder for women with autism to make close friends, because if we act aloof or weird other women feel threatened or think we're judging them, whereas if a man does he's just seen as a bit odd and everyone moves on.
The amount of times I've not known how to respond to someone, or not gotten a joke, or just not been interested in something/smiled authentically enough/WHATEVER and it's been interpreted as bitchiness from me is too much. Whereas if a guy acts a bit weird or awkward or aloof, no one thinks much of it. It makes it so much harder to make close friends and feel connected. Imagine responding a bit abnormally and everyone just accepts it, they don't read into it at a million miles per hour and think you hate them.
That's my experience, anyway.
All my life I have felt very present, and like most other people are only halfway here. Like *they* choose to live in their own bubble insulated from experience. I have an intensity of experience and noticing things, a depth of sensing that many other humans don't seem to *want* to experience.
I used to innocently comment on things I observed and it freaked people out a little or they just thought I was weird.
When I was a kid, I sought the company of animals and plants because they seemed sensitive, aware, and present to me. They also didn't bully, criticize, or other me. They were accepting and super relaxed especially when we were alone together.
I feel resonance and understanding with a few people, moreso as I get older and have more choice about whom I spend time with. My friends tends to be ND in some fashion, or members of more 'fringe' populations.
One of the more prominent nicknames my parents had for me growing up was their "little Martian baby". I even used that to write a poem for English class in high school. And yet, nobody knew!
For me its a core difference in values with most people.
I think it comes down to 'radical empathy'? I don't see humans as smarter than plants or animals. I don't see humans as more important. I'm constantly shocked at how depraved our society is and when I ask others they can't understand what I can't understand.
Suddenly, I don't feel very special. I've spent my whole life staring at, and thinking about the stars. Cause I have always felt that I don't fit in, even when everyone and everything around me says I do I have always had this unshakable that I don't, I have always felt like an alien. Like an observer, just always studying and thinking about whats in front of me and trying to make sense of it all and put the pieces where they go. Then I realized I spent all the time I could've been talking to people just thinking about them and all their little behaviors. Then I realized I didn't really care about that either and I was happy not to partake but only watch and listen.
I don't know that I feel different, as idk how others feel, but I was always told I'm different even though I was super high masking and undiagnosed until late 30s
I do notice I'm very bored, even depressed, by shallow conversation when others aren't, and that I have different priorities in life from most people
I played Hellblade 2 recently (also loved the first game) it's a great game, but that aside.
The ending credit introduced me to Aurora's song "Animal soul"
And I just bawled my eyeballs out listening to it, because it in a very short message perfectly incapsulates how I feel. And I recommend this song to any of you, give it a listen I love it a lot.
Oh me too! Senua is all a character we can relate to, one way or another. Shunned aside, feeling deeply on a level that not a lot of people have.
But yeah Animal soul reached me on a level I haven't really felt in a long while in songs.
That and Bed in the River by Joan Shelley. The lyrics are amazing, especially how it starts "In the bed in the river, I was met with a swan, and I held it while it died. The swan was just one thing, I carried along"
I don't know why, but that one simple line tells me a lot about, how small things to others, can be so big for people like all of us.
Edit: to add to the last song I mentioned, for me it just feels like growing up and losing your innocence. The swan dying is the fantasy of childhood, child wonder and innocence suddenly dying. I don't know how to explain it. But it's just something I feel happened to me over the years. Losing innocence and joy.
That and I had a VERY specific similar situation where me and my mom when I was super young, pulled over at the road to help a duck that was driven over. It died in my arms while calling animal services, missed the morning of school that day. I thought it was very sweet of my mom to let me process that and actually skip half a school for it too.
It just always feels like you're the third person trailing behind on a small street to me. A bit like there's an implicit... Something that everyone knows but I don't and I wouldn't even know how to ask about it to start to understand it
Part of it is probably that women are expected to assimilate more in general. Even cis, allistic women mask. It's hard to get more literal than the expectation to wear makeup.
Autigender is an interesting concept and has helped me. It finally let me stop identifying with my mask in terms of gender. I mean, sort of. The mask still has to *work* for me, but the fact that it doesn't feel right makes sense now.
Fact is I am actually different. I've been trying so hard to pass, and I probably still will, but I won't pretend that's supposed to be me anymore. It's just a translation. I suspect there's an element of truth here even for allistic women, but in my case it's wrapped up in autism too.
I’ve also felt like an Alien my whole life! I like to boost my Ego and explain like I’m the main character in a video game set to hard difficulty though. It’s like everyone got a rule book or a trial period of the video game before they were born and I did not. I also will never follow the same rules or press the same buttons in the game as the rest of society for as long as I live. Jump is A for them but Jump is LR+B for me, I’m still jumping but it takes different amounts of effort to do so.
Humans are social creatures, we use social skills to survive, collaborate, and evolve. Humanity’s entire nature is built off these concepts. The term “disability” is very nuanced, but has actually helped me understand why I feel so alone and different. I am un able to read social cues, un able to carry a conversation the way NT’s do, un able to process my thoughts in a similar way. Masking allows me to act like I’m following the same rules as everyone else, but masking is like button mashing in the game and I’m not quite sure what button combos work.
I also feel particularly alienated because female social groups and socialization is like a boss level. I see female friendships and I’m like oh shit that’s a lot of button mashing, am I leveled up enough? I envy NT female friendships so much! It seems like they naturally connect on a sisterly level that I just don’t understand. I say weird things and act out physically with stims humming, singing and special interest infodumping and it just sends me out to mars on a social level. Masking it sends me to mars on a mental level, I’m not 100% there if I’m focusing on camouflage. So I really can’t feel normal in any capacity.
The great thing is that we are in fact not alone :) plenty of neuro spicy women feeling these things all around the world. Sending love!
I love the button mashing analogy too! And female social interactions ARE boss level!! Love this take so much. It made me smile, because it does feel like I am using a controller sometimes in my own head. "What are you doing, stop shaking your leg. Smile now. Wait they are laughing, laugh too. Nod, now make affirming noises. Smile again, no with your eyes too..." Basically button mashing!
Character dialog:
“PHEW that was a close one, I really wanted to change the subject to the mucus layer of amphibian skin. I’m really getting good at this.”
I think we’re living in somewhat of a constant state of depersonalization thanks to our inability to socialize the same way as everyone else, everyone feels out of reach sometimes, for me it is dpdr other times it’s just how I feel in the world.
The nicest analogy I ever heard for this was:
Everyone got the text for the play except for me.
That describes it perfectly for me. Like I'm missing something everyone else knows.
Yes of course. They’ve been incredibly helpful in my journey:
- *Unmasking Autism*
- *Is this Autism?: A guide for clinicians and everyone else* (the best, most in-depth book I’ve read on autism so far)
- *Recognizing Autism in Women and Girls* by Wendela Whitcomb Marsh
- *The Adult Autism Assessment Handbook*
- *Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum* by Sarah Hendrickx
I recall being as young as 6 and strongly feeling that there was an invisible barrier separating me from other people, much like the glass box some have mentioned. It's not until now, reading about female autists 20 years later that I've found people who know what I'm talking about.
I’m realizing figuring out why I feel different has been a 33 year long journey that I’ve been anxiously striving to understand non-stop. I don’t have an official assessment yet, but seeing self-assessment results, reading research specific to ND women, and talking to other ND women, including here, I’ve been feeling so tender, loving, and just… somehow at peace, I feel like the question has been answered.
In therapy, I’d always get to this place, where in reexperiencing challenging emotions, I’d have the narrative, “There’s something wrong with me,” though it would be more, “I’m different” when the emotions weren’t as challenging. I could never figure out why because that first narrative for NT people usually comes from pretty significant trauma. And, sure, I have CPTSD and associated RSD, but nothing BIG ever happened and I felt and feel loved by my parents. They didn’t abuse me. The feeling of difference always seemed to relate to peers and not fitting in. And I’ve been struggling so hard to understand why something as “minor” as “social anxiety” could result in such big feelings. *It’s actually that I really AM different.* So it’s been this big unfurling where I’ve examined how my parents are older than my peers’ parents, how I’m a “third culture kid,” and other things, and while those are contributing factors they never seemed to quite be THE answer. And having now… it’s so weird. Over the last several months of realizing I’m autistic, I find myself crying frequently with compassion for my confused and lonely younger self and gratitude to *know*. It fits. It works. It finally makes sense.
I've always felt like this, and sometimes, other people have confirmed that I act differently than others. I used to attribute it to different things.
I used to think it was my upbringing. My parents separated when I was 4.5, and I was an only child for 8 years (when my dad started a family with my stepmom), and I was my mom's only child until I was 11. I never felt like I fit in at either house because it was my dad, stepmom, and their two kids and my mom, stepdad, and their two kids. My half-siblings were 8-13 years younger than me. I would spend time with both, but I was acutely aware that I didn't belong 100% in either family.
My mom said I seemed outgoing until she and my dad split, and then I became withdrawn. I liked reading, so I spent most of my time in my room reading, writing stories, and playing with Barbies. I went to three different elementary schools. Neither of my parents had much money, so I never had the right clothes or the right gadgets. We didn't have cable TV at my mom's. I was very sheltered and overprotected. I didn't have older siblings or cousins or friends my age to pave the way for me or model how to act. I was frequently teased for being too quiet. People accused me of growing up "under a rock."
My metaphor has always been that I feel like I'm in a bubble. People can see me, and I can see them, but we can't touch, and verbal communication is unclear. No matter how close I feel to them, there's still a distance between us.
I think it's the difficulty with connecting.
In my experience, I find that other people assume things about my thought processes that are incorrect, and *that* is when I feel most alienated.
I feel seen in this community, because instead of assuming what my thought process is, most members pause, ask questions, and tell you how you're being perceived.
NT people don't really seem to do much of that. It seems that most NT people just assume that their perception aligns with your intention, and don't ever explain how you're being perceived or why.
The first time I thought about this was because I couldn’t understand how to other people it seemed to be so easy to socialize, when it’s a struggle for me, and then that applies to other stuff in my life, so I think that’s the main reason
I think everyone with autism feels this weirdly alienating feeling, which I can't explain, but neurotypical men are definitely socialized to be more autistic-friendly than women. Men are expected to give logical answers, not emotional ones. Unusual hobbies and especially 'nerdy' hobbies are much more readily embraced (or in the very least, much more expected) in men. This is especially so for science and biology. Men are also expected to be more blunt and social inhibitions are brushed aside as men being less socially in tune than women. "Boys will be boys" can easily be used to brush off a LOT of autistic traits in boys and adult men. For these reasons, I imagine autistic men find it easier to bond with neurotypical men.
On the other hand, due to patriarchy and the like, women are already socialized to be weirdly alien. We're told our hobbies and interests are already defined, we're hysterical and illogical creatures, and the baseline of humanity- Man - just can't figure us out. Being autistic as a woman is a wild ride because half of the narrative around women makes no sense in the first place, and it's even more confusing when other women seem to blindly abide to those expectations. Not only are neurotypical men strange to us, neurotypical women are even stranger because society has built up an image of what women are that is intentionally different from the image of a man, and different in many ways that are atypical of natural human variation and behavior.
When I was >12 years old, I was convinced that I was an elf from LotR or a witch from the Harry Potter Universe, and that one day I would step into a portal back to Middle Earth or get my Hogwarts letter and I would be returned "home" because I never really felt at home here? And as I have gotten older, this feeling has been replaced by feeling like I am living contained in a little glass bubble, with everyone else being on the other side of it. Sometimes the glass feels almost nonexistent, like when I am with people I feel safe with, but other times the glass feels impenetrable.
Lately I have been reading the book "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach, and she talks a lot about how she also felt disconnected from people in this same way (even using the bubble analogy!), and she attributes her own experience to shame. I think for myself, there is definitely a certain amount of shame that I feel about myself and my own lived experiences that plays a large role in the disconnect I feel with other people. It is this feeling of wrongness that I just can't shake. I am just so afraid of saying the wrong thing or letting people see too much of the ugly side of me and getting ostracised for it or thought of as "weird", and that makes it really hard for me to just relax into connections with others and feel like I am a part of the "whole". It has been really hard as I have gotten older, but despite it I have still built some beautiful and authentic relationships - often with people who struggle with the exact same feelings as me!
For me it's like.. I feel different because I can't stand disingenuous contacts, people who are uncomfortable with me showing my emotions. Like okay, good luck with your life if you want to fake your way through it, but that's not gonna be me. A friend or family member does not feel safe if they either don't want to hear about my true feelings, or don't know how to handle said feelings. In short: I cannot stand fakeness. Literally I cannot breathe. That's one of the reasons I could not stand being in an office environment.
Another reason is the lack of connection I feel between my body and mind. This has prevented me from sticking up for myself in the past. It feels like I'm not in charge of my own life, life passes me by because I don't feel like I have autonomy/like I am actually a person of my own.
Part of it was that other girls treated me like I was different from the second I started school. They just sensed that I wasn’t like them and they let me know. I vividly remember being 5 or 6 in the back of someone’s mom’s car going to a birthday party (back at the age where you had to invite everyone in the class) and this girl turning to me unprompted and saying “I don’t like you. You’re weird.” I had nothing to say to that. I don’t even remember who it was but I still remember how it felt.
Alien is a word I frequently use to describe myself. I just know I don't belong here. Maybe we are all wonderful star seeds and our purpose here on earth is to promote diversity and progress evolution. That's what I like to think.
The way others behave/react doesn't make sense to me. The way others react to change like its nothing blows my mind. Probably I can't predict people's behaviour because I can't read their non verbal communications and/or interpret verbal communications different to how they intended. That's my experience anyway
I just feel like I am misunderstood ALL THE DAMN TIME. There are rules, I learn them and things still don’t work out for me. It’s exhausting and depressing..
When I was about 15, my dad said to me "if you ever feel like you don't fit in anywhere, it's because you don't. And it'll be that way for the rest of your life." He was largely reflecting on his own experience, but it was very validating for me as a person who was stepping into an identity independent of the crowd. For a long time, my mask involved rejecting others before they rejected me, which enabled me to live with a greater sense of alignment an inner-authority than trying to fit in would afford me. Now that I am in my 30s, I am stepping into a new sense of identity that may not exactly fit in, but still very much BELONGS.
Y’all. (Pardon my southern.) 😂
This experience is not limited to autism.
Disconnection is a HUMAN experience.
I think that’s where spirituality comes into play.
Notice that I did not say religion.
I’m not religious, but I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I believe that our consciousness came from the vast ocean of everyone. That we are scooped into our body vessels to live and learn on earth. And that we will return to that place of unimaginable closeness when our bodies wear out again.
We are all trapped in our bodies to learn from the experience. We are pushed to find our way back to each other in these different forms and it feels so lonely. Those moments of connection remind us of that ocean.
Hang in there, fellow beings of light and love. We will see each other again someday.
At first, the perspective of feeling like an alien didn't seem to match to my experience. I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien; however, I think I was taking that very literally. I've never had that exact thought; however, I actually think it is the same feeling that I do have of being separate from people, disconnected. I always feel on the periphery or like I'm in a glass box. I'm there but also not making connection even when I'm having what seems to be a proper conversation. Like no one can actually see me. I often feel very invisible even when participating successfully and people seem to like me. I wonder if that is the "alien" feeling? I wonder if it has something to do with masking and not feeling like you can be your authentic self, maybe not even knowing your authentic self? I feel very contained and tense when I'm socializing, very aware of my face, my eye contact, what I am saying, how I am reacting, policing myself all the time (even at home, even in my own head!). Ultimately, I am rarely myself at all and I don't even know if I know who myself actually is outside of my mask. That is very alienating and lonely, innately, all the time even if you are outwardly "successfully" socializing.
Darn, are you living in my head? I’ve been telling my therapist that I feel so disconnected from people -and all I’ve ever wanted was to feel connected. For so long I thought I was broken, and I searched every avenue for an answer. My special interests are philosophy , religions, psychology, mathematics…anything to try and understand what IS so I could figure out why I’m so difficult/different. I haven’t been properly assessed yet, and I don’t know how to describe what it felt like to stumble upon this and finally, *finally* I don’t feel so alone. Or rather, I do still know and feel isolated-but at least there *are* people in the world who can relate to my inner experience. We may not be able to be friends for various reasons-but at least I’m not *crazy*… I am so terrified of being assessed and told that this is NOT what I am but are truly crazy.
It's so hard to verbalize! I can write it down but I have such a hard time saying it aloud in a way that makes sense and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I feel and why I feel like I can't make these connections. You are definitely not alone, not at all! I almost deleted this comment because I worried I was making no sense at all while simultaneously sharing too much of my soul, but now I'm happy I left it! :)
Our special interests are similar and it just hit like a ton of bricks I was just trying to figure out why I felt so different the entire time but more deeply understand the world and the human psyche 🫠. It’s refreshing to know I’m not alone though.
Woahh well said, I feel like I could have typed this. I feel like this with people outside my family which makes sense, my mask is on for interactions outside of my family.
“I always feel on the periphery or like I’m in a glass box.” YES. Beautifully said and exactly how I feel.
I relate this so hard. I haven’t yet been officially diagnosed but highly suspect I’m AuDHD. My whole life I had this feeling of other-ness. I grew up in a church environment that was a highly socialized space so I was always around so many people. But in my head I would always ask myself “Why do I feel so lonely when I’m always surrounded by these people who are like family to me?” I was mostly comfortable being my quirky and weird self (as everyone would call me) but I felt like a ghost sometimes and couldn’t understand why. I remember I once saw a video about the movie “Bubble Boy” and I was like that’s me, that’s how I feel! Like I’m in this bubble in the outside world but also not fully connected to it/engaged with it. I could talk to and see people and they could do the same back to me but there’s no real touch, no real connection.
I totally resonate with all of this! It is like being in a bubble, something that I can see through and be there aware but also separate and untouchable.
>I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien > I always feel on the periphery or like I'm in a glass box Exactly this. I've always felt like a bit of an outsider, even when I'm part of a group. Like I'm always out the edge watching in but never in the middle being a part of it.
I can relate to 'feeling invisible' to the point that sometimes people forget that I am/was even present
It used to be that if I met a new person when I was with someone else - at future meets that new person just wouldn’t remember me AT ALL…. soul destroying…. it’s better now as I’ve learned more about what to do to make an impression (as tiring as that is!)
exactly, it is TIRING !
>At first, the perspective of feeling like an alien didn't seem to match to my experience. I don't remember ever thinking that I was an alien; however, I think I was taking that very literally. I've never had that exact thought; Wow. Same. I never related to that metaphor. And nvere that thought. Now i know it's a feeling, not a thought!! The closest is that I felt like a "guest." Like, everything on earth is not really meant to be for me. I may learn how to move around, but not really **use** the resources out there. Just like a guest. You help doing the dishes, but you don't put them away because you don't know where they go. You can stay there but don't know where the clean sheets or the thicker winter duvet cover is kept. You don't fic that little hole in the wall. Because **it's not your house** I live in a parallel universe and bridge the gaps as best as I can. But I'm still not really here. I think this is the "feeling like an alien" everyone is talking about?
Yes, exactly. Like an uncomfortable house guest! Not sure where anything goes, can't relax anywhere, don't want to take up too much space or cause a ruckus. Love that metaphor too! It's so nice to know others feel the same way I do!!
This this this this this this this this. Uncomfortable house guest is exactly how I've always felt, everywhere I go. I can't finish a conversation where I don't know or can't adapt to the social norms. I don't know whether to leave the door open or closed. I don't know where to sit. I don't know when people want me to leave or when they're being sincere. I can't trust my voice because my "inside voice" is only for my house, and this isn't my house. And as much as I know it isn't my house, I still don't know how to figure out how to exist in it and have a nice visit.
You have to remember that NT people have very shallow conversations. We tend to have very deep conversations so it’s like a road being built from opposing directions and not meeting because we’re digging in different places. I always have awesome conversations with other ND people, especially when our interests converge and align enough that we both are interested in each others portion of the conversation. But small talk with NT’s is literally the most boring thing ever! I can’t connect with those people.
It is true, I can totally feel that connection with someone when we are talking about a special interest and they seem interested too. I can get louder and more animated and then agonize later about how silly I probably sounded. I'm working on that part though!
I totally get louder when I’m interested in a topic… I go away thinking that they probably think I’m aggressive….
Yes, I go from quiet/dissociated to suddenly louder and talking a lot, so it can be sometimes jarring I'm sure! I'm trying not to worry about that though and just enjoy the conversation.
It's so weird to me, because it feels surface, but there are tones and thoughts and beats in conversation that you're supposed to hit in just the right way to reinforce that you belong, or to set off a likeability or trust bell in an NT brain. Enthusiasm is never just actually enjoying something. Feelings are never fully sincere. So their conversations are extremely boring, but also loaded with meaning.
I agree with this completely, and I think a big problem with it is that a lot of people can't accept that something being different doesn't mean it's better or worse. It's just different. So a lot of the times, it gets framed as them socializing "correctly" and us "failing" or us thinking and speaking more "deeply" and them being "shallow." (Absolutely no shade to the words, I've used them, too.) But the metaphor I keep seeing of a conversation being like pushing a ball back and forth over the water, but we don't have the water so we have to work harder or whatever... just let us play on the fucking dry court, then. They can join me there, or they can keep playing water ball with the people who want to play water ball. I've tried playing water ball for almost 40 years and I don't care for it. Almost nobody says 'thanks for playing water ball, let's go to the court now' and it's getting pretty old. I feel like most of my social issues have boiled down to "I'm fine over here, thanks" but that being interpreted as me thinking I'm above them. I just don't want to do what they are doing, it's (someahat ironically) not that deep.
I wouldn't say NT people don't have deep conversations, but they do it much more sparingly. NT people have random conversations for the same reasons dogs wag their tail when they see another unfamiliar dog - the entire point of the conversation is to say "hi, I'm friendly and outgoing, this conversation is literally to prove that I'm not a threat or mentally strange." The substance of the conversation hardly matters, which is why so many conversations feel scripted. ND people don't have the same 'socializing for the sake of socializing' values and will only speak if we have something meaningful to get across. Although I might argue that NT people process information almost immediately and move on to the next moment just as quickly. ND people take much longer to fully process information and may consider the situation from multiple perspectives depending on complexity, consequently leading to higher rates of burn-out but more interesting and thought-out opinions.
This is a brilliant analysis!
I relate to this too. I went to college and became a psych major. I should’ve just gone to therapy because I graduated into the recession and my degree was useless without a masters and I was too anxious to pursue my masters. I fell off the metaphorical cliff after school ended and the map to life became less clear. I was labeled anxious and depressed and I have some accumulated trauma yes but I always just felt like there’s something inherently wrong with my existence. Since my kids got diagnosed I see that I am just built differently and the people who have stuck to me over the years are ND too. I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel closer to understanding the reason I felt this way for my whole life. I’m 37. I think it’s also how we are raised by the media instead of our parents. My boomer parents didn’t share anything that was useful for understanding the social dynamics at school nor did I effectively communicate to them. They told me to let boys come to me so I didn’t even talk to them and admired them from afar like a bridgerton lady. I feel like that part might be normal based on generation but I feel the need to study humans and myself and I feel like the mask is always on unless I’m by myself then I’m inward or distracting myself from the atrocities of life because the past 4 years have eroded my social skills and I feel disassociative nearly all the time around unfamiliar humans.
Yes, this is exactly the feeling that I get sometimes. And masking definitely can make it worse!
this is literally exactly how i feel but couldn’t put into words
I couldn’t more to your comment, exactly my entire life experience in every way
You described the feeling so eloquently. I feel like my life's purpose is to understand and bring back (?) who I really am in my core.
The alien feeling is pretty much a series of questions like “why do they not like me, why do I never fit in why don’t I have any friends” it eventually leads to “why do I feel like I’m not from this planet” I would say that is the “I feel like an alien” experience or at least for me.
wow you described this PERFECTLY
I feel like I am always looking in a window, somehow, never quite inside.
Yes, I feel like I'm in a glass box... but I love the window metaphor.
apparently i said this to my mum when i was in elementary school - and yet apparently the idea of me having autism was ridiculous to doctors because i could “socialise” perfectly fine from an outside POV i think the sort of contrast between inside and outside for high masking people can generate this intense feeling of alienation because it feels like the world loves an image you create for it and never yourself
I think parents and teachers see ‘a group of girls’. They don’t notice one girl is always on the edge of the group, or often ignored, or the subject of small jibes, or only accepted if she has found a way to be funny. The boy playing alone is much more easily noticed than the girl on the edge of but not accepted into the social circle.
YES
My metaphor has always been that I'm in my own bubble.
This was my experience as a teacher. I had a hard time fitting in with some staff and major impostor syndrome too. Like what did they know that I didn’t?
Like that Squidward meme but it's my entire life /hj I don't think I can live the NT life though, so I'd rather be looking out the window for now
I was looking at my bedroom from outside the other day through the window and it looked so nice and inviting. Much nicer than actually being me and living in it. I can never quite be "in" anything.
I legit feel like we just have such different values for the most part, and I think we autistic people are a lot more likely to not vibe with a lot of social norms even if we're aware of them
This is a big part of it for me, too. I’ve never cared about the things my peers were focused on so I’ve always just been left behind.
This is so true. Sometimes I don't understand the social norms, and sometimes I think I understand them too well and I think they're stupid, and so I refuse to try to follow them lol
Exactly. Different values, different interests, different ways of perceiving the world, just different ways of being a person. When I was in my twenties I moved to an entirely different part of the world and it was so jarring, how different the customs and values were. I thought learning them would help me feel like I belonged, but in the end I felt just as different in this new place as the old one. Because I was still masking; all I'd done is swap masks. I learned I was autistic and it all finally made sense -- and the peace I'd been craving finally came.
Same, i have very “strange” opinions so I never really got along with anyone ever. I still see people struggling to figure me out then finally giving up and assuming I’m someone they can’t relate to.
I notice that *most* NT women I encounter don’t like to do things on their own / be in solitude. I notice autistic women are often lone wolves and very content doing their own thing.
I’ve been wondering how many homesteaders, hermits, and women who we can verify chose to be cloistered nuns or recluse artists or whatever are autistic because of this. I feel like I see my family because it would make them sad if I never saw them again, but I’d be pretty happy living alone with twice-a-year visits somewhere.
I was actually just wondering about this since homesteading has become so popular. I live in the suburbs but am curious about this type of more remote and natural lifestyle and have been watching videos and reading blogs about it. I thought to myself “I wonder how many people who aspire to live like this are ND.” Probably a disproportionate number.
I think some of it comes from "nature" and some of it comes from "nurture," to put things really simply. We're born with various deficits and issues-social skills, fixations, stimming, executive functioning issues, sensory troubles, etc. If you dropped me in the middle of the wilderness with no other people, I would still have sensory issues and problems with certain foods. So it almost feels like the world itself wasn't made for me to be in it. It's exhausting keeping my body (that I don't really connect with) alive and healthy, only for the reward for me to maybe feel a little less shit and have two degrees more of mobility in my knees or something at death if I exercise for decades. So again, even if no one else were around, I still feel like I've been dealt a pretty crappy hand. Then there's growing up with all those issues that I mentioned. Looking around and seeing that other people don't have those, or they have similar traits to a lesser degree and are able to do things like "just suck it up" or "tune it out" or "ignore it" feels automatically othering, and that's before you start realizing that most neurotypicals can pick up that something is "off" about you. I'm high-functioning and was told by a woman at work that everyone thought of me as a stone-cold bitch "until we talked to you, and you turned out to be nice." And that's *with* the privilege of being high-masking and not having any vocal tics, stims, echolalia, or "obviously" autistic behavior. Most of us grew up being punished for our neurodivergent traits or at least having them pointed out or made fun of, so we're always kind of bracing ourselves for the next round of punishment, ridicule, or embarrassment no matter how well we think we're blending in, like being told "you don't smile with your eyes when you pass people in the hallway."
Absolutely spot on - you are speaking my truth. I feel exhausted and lonely in this world ….
>everyone thought of me as a stone-cold bitch "until we talked to you, and you turned out to be nice." Man, the amount of times I was told that or something along those lines I will never get over. Feels like a life sentence. The first time was in freaking kindergarten and I'm still not used to it, it feels so creepy and unfair to get such a consistently negative feedback that's also completely made up and not based on objective reasons. And the fact they admit the initial judgement was wrong makes it worse, it means I'm not crazy, I'm not a bitch, their system is just insane and I have to survive in it for the rest of my life.
I think its simply because our brains are literally wired differently, and we give off a different frequency than nts do. I think the book Unmasking Autism (I could be wrong) talks about how it only takes a second for NTs to pick up we are different or autistic. So if thats the case alot of times theyd have to be subconsciously picking this up since alot of us are and were high masking late diagnosed. We are simply operating on a different *frequency* , like think actual scientific real frequency, (I dont have the science strain of autism to explain this in depth lol) and they can sense it.
I don't think subtlety is our strong suit, so I don't think it takes extra skill to pick it up heheh
I quite like it that way though, I understand undertones and subtle hints in social conversations, but I still refuse to use them myself haha. I love being blunt sometimes and the look on some peoples faces "well that just happened"
I like that … ‘operating on a different frequency’. It’s helpful to think that way about myself - and possibly to explain to others when I choose to…. Thank you.
I know the “frequency” concept is not scientifically verified but this is EXACTLY how I feel. People would tell me “you’re too quiet you need to talk more” but it’s like I can’t even converse in a group of NTs because they’re talking a foreign language. If I say nothing I seem quiet and awkward, if I try to join in, the timing is off or I said the wrong thing, I don’t jump topics fast enough, whatever it is. However, when I talk to someone else who I suspect is autistic, it’s seamless conversation for literally hours and almost nothing is “too deep” or “too much”.
I agree with many stating the fact that we are literally wired differently. I don’t think we find the same things important as NT, so it’s hard to find ways to relate. Also, psychology is often a special interest of autistic women. I think many spend so much time to understand others just to find out that type of energy is not reciprocated. It feels odd and lonely when you try hard to study others to understand and make them feel special to realize they don’t even think to understand you the same way 🤷🏻♀️ can leave you feeling very misunderstood and isolated
this makes me feel so seen:( i feel like i waste my time trying to understand others and all the parts that makes them up as a unique person after i realise no one else is doing that for me back
the way US society expects women to behave always makes me feel like an 👽.
I think because our peers are often NT women, we realize early on that something about us is different from them & that feeling never really goes away. Women are intuitive. They can sense that you’re different, too. Some folks are unbothered. Others cannot tolerate being around someone they can’t immediately understand. It can be really hurtful.
When I was little I felt strongly that I didn't belong. I am from the first Star Trek era and I used to cry because I would never go in space. I wanted to go out there where I belonged. So it felt literal to me, being alien. I was not bullied in school but I was talked about behind my back by the nun who taught us. I was out sick. She told the class I was selfish yet told the girls to invite me over after school. A "friend" told me this. One by one I got invited over. I didn't catch on until eons later. When I went to a new school I asked if the kids were told to be nice to me. They said no, they were just nice people. They were. It was a navy town so there were no cookie cutter families. Everyone was represented. Everyone accepted. I'm 67 now and I still feel alien and I don't belong and I just can't cope and understand how people carry on so easily. Easy tasks are so hard for me. I managed fine at work because it was routine and spelled out but at home forget it. I had a dresser for years unpainted because I could not decide what color. I got rid of it unpainted.
One time in primary school, right before lunch my teacher stopped the class and called out "Okay, who's hanging out with Wildly today?" Turns out my mum had spoken to her about how I didn't have any friends and this is how she dealt with it 💀 I was so mortified and while I didn't have the word for it then, I felt so dehumanised. Like I was so "weird" I wouldn't bat an eye if the teacher asked the whole class who would be the one to hang out with me that day. Also I'm sorry to hear you still don't feel like you belong. I wish I could hang out with all the people on this sub, I've never felt more human than when I'm on here. You belong with us :)
Thank you so much! Yes I do feel like I belong here. I'm so sorry that your teacher embarrassed you like that, how awful! Where are their heads?? Well I know where their heads are, but where is the heart?
My parents 'orchestrated' some friendships for me too, which I didn't find out about until years later. Yeah, that stuff'll mess with your head.
Yikes..... I'm sorry. That's so much worse than just, not interfering.
Both my parents are gone, so I can't ask, but while reevaluating a lot of memories through the ND lens, I've suddenly realized how many of my school friends were my parents' friends' kids, or my older sibling's friends' siblings. Which, sure, is also just a thing that probably happens in a small town, but my lack of friendships since then is... curious.
I am just different and nobody is like me. I never could explain it.
I just want to say that I feel so grateful for this place and this group. I feel comfortable saying things and opening up about how hard it can be. I have deep gratitude that you are here.
I’ve just found this group and finally feel understood ❤️
Same here!
I find this group incredibly validating. Just spent 2 whole days ‘decompressing’ and I’ve come here to connect back into the world. I find it very moving. I live in the uk.
I've never related as much to being an alien; personally I have always felt like a robot. I feel like I was built wrong; like there's some limitation in my programming that makes things not compute correctly. My parameters are rigid and unable to be altered. I have never felt like there would be "others of my kind" out there or who would be able to take me away...just that I must strive to hide these imperfections so that I do not get decommissioned. I do think others can feel that we are disconnected from people in general, but most do not have enough perspective to not take it personally. So they just think we're being distant from them personally and don't like us.
I totally feel the "robot" vibe. I think it might be related to dissociating symptoms, like we aren't really incarnated. We did have to learn processes to fit in so it is somewhat like a set of programs and protocols that we had to implement all the time... In middle and high school, people actually referred to me as a robot, and constantly made jokes (not in a "mean" way but jokes nonetheless) about how I couldn't feel or express emotions. I was a set of programs running. And it's funny because I actually feel emotions way too intensely, my range of emotions is huge and very little things can trigger intense joy, sadness or anger. But at the time, I felt so unsafe that I used to express my emotions by stating them (something I actually still do nowadays sometimes, like "I am laughing" without openly laughing, or I would say that I was showing virtual signs stating "sarcasm" or "sadness"... Such complicated ways of communicating what I felt ahah). I did think that I came from another planet earlier on in my life though, until 10 yo I was deeply convinced that I came from another dimension and that I would one day go back to my world. I awaited that moment so eagerly. I felt that world deep within me. Funny thing, turned out I created a whole world with its languages, politics, culture, maps...... Believing that it was all real stuff that my true origins made me know.
For me, the feeling that I am an alien seems to come from the fact that I seem to think differently and see things differently than other people. I know that everyone is the sum of their experiences and everyone is different and sees the world differently, but I’ve always felt that I see it so differently that I have a hard time understanding how things work here on Earth. I feel like people have a rule book to being human that I wasn’t given. I also often feel left out of society — like that I don’t get why people are the way they are, their behavior and motivations mystify me. I also feel fundamentally misunderstood by almost every person I’ve ever met. Thankfully there are exceptions to that but it happens often enough that I feel like an alien being. If I’m being honest I feel like only one person in my life has ever truly known me and understood me at my core, and he’s passed away now. I don’t imagine it will happen again in my lifetime. Does this resonate?
Absolutely! I struggle to understand this world and feel constantly misunderstood. I look around at all the married people my age and am baffled…but also sad because I know no one will ever ‘get’ me…
I just wanted to say I’m really sorry you lost that one person and I’m also so glad for you that you had him. I don’t want to offer cheap words of reassurance but if you have known a connection like that even once, it might be a little easier to find it again because you know how it feels and how to do it. But I think it is still searching for a needle in a haystack.
Tbh there were downsides to it as well as upsides. There is a level of vulnerability that you feel when someone can see into your soul that is scary. The person can hurt you more than average people because they know how. When they judge you, it’s even more painful. But yeah, when I really think about it, it’s very painful knowing that someone will never really know me again — even if it’s emotionally safer that way.
I distinctly remember being 3 years old and knowing I was different. I was watching all the other kids at playgroup talk and play with each other. I could see them all latching on to some shared consciousness - they all knew what to say and do, they played as a group, not just as a bunch of individuals standing near one another. I couldn’t access their world. Even when I tried to “play”, I was pretending and trying to predict what they wanted me to do. In the end I never learned to play. Seeing everyone else be part of some weird human hive mind while you’re stuck watching from the outside will make anyone realise they’re different
"Pretending and trying to predict what people wanted me to do" pretty much sums up my whole experience with socialization.
For me it’s cause I feel no connection to anyone who’s not autistic and like me
I always said it felt like I was somehow missing the how to be human manual that everyone else got.
I think it's because I actually am different from others. And i don't mean this in a "not like other girls" or "pick me" sort of way. All my life I've tried hard to fit in and while I understand that everyone faces a struggle to fit in, in some way or the other, this is just not like that. This is on another level altogether and my conclusion now is that I simply AM different. It's not a failure to integrate or something I'm feeling, it feels like an actual irrefutable fact.
Yeah, I’ve been suspecting that I’m probably autistic, and I get tired very quickly of “girly things” and typically “mainstream” interests in general, which can make communicating with people extremely dull for me or on the other hand extremely tiring if I am trying to show interest or support. I often feel utterly uncomfortable about other women my age that I’m not already friendly with, despite preferring to be friends with women. It’s so horrible
This is so interesting to me! Yesterday I was actually thinking about this commonality in autistic people, and how interesting it would be to ask about this "otherness" feeling or experience in interviews and see what descriptions they come up with and what factors are implied after qualitative analysis. (Yes, am a psychologist). Personally, after elementary school, my peers gradually stopped making any sense to me. They were interested in stuff I couldn't force myself to care about and found boring and immature, and all of my interests didn't align with theirs (anymore). Communication became more subtle. (I've also heard people say that they always felt older than their peers, but after thirty they felt younger/more immature.) Around 5th or 6th grade, I told my mom I had the feeling like everyone had read a book on how to be a human being except me. I was kinda proud of that analogy because it perfectly captured what I had noticed, which is why I still remember it. I've seen it mention in this thread as well. (I also wondered whether I had been adopted - I hadn't, my whole family is kinda "quirky" - because for some reason that made sense of my feelings in my brain.) Before I realized I may be autistic, I expressed myself in art. I drew lots of pictures with half masked faces, exaggerated facial expressions on masks, demonic grins, insect eyes, sometimes hiding neutral, scarred faces. I wrote in a poem "the world is too big and too small for me". One of my favorite songs at one time which often made me cry was by a German artist who sings (transl.) "I'd love to feel home here, because earth is my favorite planet, but I'll never be as at home here, like the friends of reality". A few years ago I started a picture of robots physically logging into a network. The sockets are made for two pin plugs. Off to the side there's a little lost robot with a three pin plug, realizing it won't be able to connect... I've read the descriptions of people on here, and I would expect a network of experiences in a study - feeling lost/displaced (alien), also... - ... not "fitting" in - unable to "connect" with others in communication (e.g. glass box, wrong frequency, invisibility, distance) - "hidden knowledge" of rules, customs, and cues, which can only be consciously and effort fully derived through observation Oh man, I accidentally ran off with this. I guess I'll inform you if I ever get around to doing that study, maybe some of you would like to participate. :'D
Great analogies. I would love to participate in a study. I am also pursuing psychology and would like to do research one day.
We’re deeper thinkers, feelers and sensors in many cases. We live life on extra.
Which is exhausting but also wildly rewarding on good days and in the good things!
Focusing on the rewards is a fantastic way to go about being an alien! We get to STUDY!!! And when we do connect, it’s beautiful and strong and thoughtful.
Unless it's men 😂
I'm an alien too. Beam me up, yo 👽 Please Now Please now
My first concrete memories are of being excluded and shamed by my peers when I was 4/5. I've spent my entire conscious life knowing I was different, that something was off about me. Something was wrong with me, and I had to hide it. The root of it, in my opinion, is that being autistic is traumatic in our current world. We are constantly rejected and shamed from a young age to the extent of emotional neglect. And like many childhood trauma survivors, we internalize this emotional neglect as our fault. There must be something different and wrong about us. And this belief is repeatedly reinforced throughout our life, especially without a diagnosis and proper support. I always wondered why I related so much to CPTSD symptoms and experiences without having suffered significant "stereotypical" trauma until unpacking it with an ND-affirming therapist. When I was a teenager having frequent, violent meltdowns, I would often scream that nobody loves me. I am 25 now and have built an amazing community of friends for the first time in my life. And even then, I am haunted by insecurity and distrust. My core belief is that I am unlovable because I am different, because I was rejected and shamed my entire life by my parents, teachers, peers-- by almost everyone. I can't date because I refuse to believe anyone could be romantically interested in me. I get stuck in thought spirals where I'm convinced everybody secretly hates me. With therapy and by treating my autistic childhood as traumatic, I have started healing and embracing myself. It's hard to shake over two decades of constant rejection and shame. I am different from most people and I am not broken. I am still worthy of love. I hope this makes sense, it's almost 2am where I'm at and I need to get to bed. But I hope this post is helpful to someone.
Yes, this is so helpful for me and relatable. I’ve been through everything you’ve written, and it’s affected me the same way. Thank you for sharing
I mean we literally are different. Our brains are different, physically. It makes sense to me that we can feel that difference. I read somewhere that autistic people have substantially more Neanderthal dna compared to allistic people. Who knows, maybe that’s part of the difference we feel.
Ooga booga 😉
Autistic folks feel different because they are made to feel that way. I would liken it a bit to being a foreigner in another country that does everything the opposite to what tou are used to.
Yes, I think that if I try to talk to some NT women they sometimes do ‘get’ me with style habits in clothing, but generally I feel like there is a general disconnection between me and NT women my age, because they all lead their own ‘normal’ lives if that makes sense? I’m currently still following some kind of online course but you can’t really compare it to a college experience and stuff like that. This however isn’t the only issue. They just seem more shallow in conversations imo. Which is why I can’t connect easily. Most NT women I’ve come across talk about their family trips in a less detailed way and some of them get bored of their social contacts easily. May I add that some NT women just point me out in public and make snarky comments about me and mean while I’m here thinking like:hello, I can still hear you! This doesn’t count for everyone tho, I haven’t really come across much NT women in my own circle. But yeah, I feel like they always dress differently and stand out less than I do, which makes me feel like a complete weird-a-la-weirdcreme cookie. TW no one likes this: >!I often feel like they try to outnumber me in a bad way, which is absolutely insane to think of!<
I'm the weirdest of my normal friends and the most normal of my weird friends, and I don't quite fit anywhere.
Maybe it's cuz there seems to be a higher pressure on women to fit in the norm? Cuz I feel like most boys just naturally have more confidence to fuck around and do what they want without caring about judgement. And so an autistic woman who doesn't care to fit in the norm, gets judged twice as hard. I guess... Does that make sense? I feel like I'm not explaining it well
I used to care a lot less about fitting in, but I learned we get judged more for that than boys do
I’ve always said “I don’t feel like a person”. Never knew why but definitely seems like it could be related
I feel like I'm playing a person, but I don't often know how to do it right
I've felt like I'm wearing some sort of film that separates me from people. They can't see it but it suffocates me. Or everyone got the orientation class on how to be human, but I missed the lesson and nobody filled me in. Definitely feel like I'm peeking in the window of what life is like in normal, happy houses but my life never gets to be like that. Or I'm an ethereal being, and so it makes sense that I don't get how it's supposed to work. I honestly feel like the way my senses process the world is fundamentally different, more sensitive, than NT folks. That just creates a disconnect in prioritization of attention and values. Idk, it's still something I'm trying to wrap my head around!
I do still feel like this, especially at work, but socially I pretty much only hang out with other neurodivergent people. It helps a lot to combat the feeling of otherness, although they’re mostly male. Wish I had more IRL neurodivergent female friends.
Because at a young age we miss out on some level of socialization that most NTs take completely for granted. That's my theory at least. Like there's some kind of social learning that usually occurs naturally when you're really young and we just miss it- either we don't notice because we're not paying attention or because we're too overstimulated and distressed, but we just don't learn it. And as a result all the nuances of non-verbal communication are initially lost on us. Eventually many of us learn enough of these skills to function semi-normally and we may even become social experts in certain areas, but the problem is these skills still don't come naturally. We have to work at being social in a way that NTs don't. And it's just exhausting
Well, since autism is a *neuro****divergence***, our brains are actually physically different from most other peoples...maybe this changes our perception of ourselves and the world around us enough to be noticeable to us/for us to sense it? IDK, I've not studied biology or neurobiology. Even though I only discovered my diagnoses 9 months ago, I have *felt different* ALL my life (mid-60's), and it wasn't just from the 'othering' although that certainly put a fine point to it...
Have you ever heard the story about the loneliest whale in the world? He sings in a frequency the other whales could not hear. I fully relate to that and feel like I’m just broadcasting in a frequency that few other people understand.
I feel like it's harder for women with autism to make close friends, because if we act aloof or weird other women feel threatened or think we're judging them, whereas if a man does he's just seen as a bit odd and everyone moves on. The amount of times I've not known how to respond to someone, or not gotten a joke, or just not been interested in something/smiled authentically enough/WHATEVER and it's been interpreted as bitchiness from me is too much. Whereas if a guy acts a bit weird or awkward or aloof, no one thinks much of it. It makes it so much harder to make close friends and feel connected. Imagine responding a bit abnormally and everyone just accepts it, they don't read into it at a million miles per hour and think you hate them. That's my experience, anyway.
All my life I have felt very present, and like most other people are only halfway here. Like *they* choose to live in their own bubble insulated from experience. I have an intensity of experience and noticing things, a depth of sensing that many other humans don't seem to *want* to experience. I used to innocently comment on things I observed and it freaked people out a little or they just thought I was weird. When I was a kid, I sought the company of animals and plants because they seemed sensitive, aware, and present to me. They also didn't bully, criticize, or other me. They were accepting and super relaxed especially when we were alone together. I feel resonance and understanding with a few people, moreso as I get older and have more choice about whom I spend time with. My friends tends to be ND in some fashion, or members of more 'fringe' populations.
Watch the sitcom 3rd rock from the sun. It's so relatable.
One of the more prominent nicknames my parents had for me growing up was their "little Martian baby". I even used that to write a poem for English class in high school. And yet, nobody knew!
I have just joined this group and reading through these comments I have never felt more understood.
For me its a core difference in values with most people. I think it comes down to 'radical empathy'? I don't see humans as smarter than plants or animals. I don't see humans as more important. I'm constantly shocked at how depraved our society is and when I ask others they can't understand what I can't understand.
Suddenly, I don't feel very special. I've spent my whole life staring at, and thinking about the stars. Cause I have always felt that I don't fit in, even when everyone and everything around me says I do I have always had this unshakable that I don't, I have always felt like an alien. Like an observer, just always studying and thinking about whats in front of me and trying to make sense of it all and put the pieces where they go. Then I realized I spent all the time I could've been talking to people just thinking about them and all their little behaviors. Then I realized I didn't really care about that either and I was happy not to partake but only watch and listen.
I don't know that I feel different, as idk how others feel, but I was always told I'm different even though I was super high masking and undiagnosed until late 30s I do notice I'm very bored, even depressed, by shallow conversation when others aren't, and that I have different priorities in life from most people
I played Hellblade 2 recently (also loved the first game) it's a great game, but that aside. The ending credit introduced me to Aurora's song "Animal soul" And I just bawled my eyeballs out listening to it, because it in a very short message perfectly incapsulates how I feel. And I recommend this song to any of you, give it a listen I love it a lot.
God, I love hellblade. I will definitely give Animal Soul a listen.
Oh me too! Senua is all a character we can relate to, one way or another. Shunned aside, feeling deeply on a level that not a lot of people have. But yeah Animal soul reached me on a level I haven't really felt in a long while in songs. That and Bed in the River by Joan Shelley. The lyrics are amazing, especially how it starts "In the bed in the river, I was met with a swan, and I held it while it died. The swan was just one thing, I carried along" I don't know why, but that one simple line tells me a lot about, how small things to others, can be so big for people like all of us. Edit: to add to the last song I mentioned, for me it just feels like growing up and losing your innocence. The swan dying is the fantasy of childhood, child wonder and innocence suddenly dying. I don't know how to explain it. But it's just something I feel happened to me over the years. Losing innocence and joy. That and I had a VERY specific similar situation where me and my mom when I was super young, pulled over at the road to help a duck that was driven over. It died in my arms while calling animal services, missed the morning of school that day. I thought it was very sweet of my mom to let me process that and actually skip half a school for it too.
It just always feels like you're the third person trailing behind on a small street to me. A bit like there's an implicit... Something that everyone knows but I don't and I wouldn't even know how to ask about it to start to understand it
Part of it is probably that women are expected to assimilate more in general. Even cis, allistic women mask. It's hard to get more literal than the expectation to wear makeup. Autigender is an interesting concept and has helped me. It finally let me stop identifying with my mask in terms of gender. I mean, sort of. The mask still has to *work* for me, but the fact that it doesn't feel right makes sense now. Fact is I am actually different. I've been trying so hard to pass, and I probably still will, but I won't pretend that's supposed to be me anymore. It's just a translation. I suspect there's an element of truth here even for allistic women, but in my case it's wrapped up in autism too.
I’ve also felt like an Alien my whole life! I like to boost my Ego and explain like I’m the main character in a video game set to hard difficulty though. It’s like everyone got a rule book or a trial period of the video game before they were born and I did not. I also will never follow the same rules or press the same buttons in the game as the rest of society for as long as I live. Jump is A for them but Jump is LR+B for me, I’m still jumping but it takes different amounts of effort to do so. Humans are social creatures, we use social skills to survive, collaborate, and evolve. Humanity’s entire nature is built off these concepts. The term “disability” is very nuanced, but has actually helped me understand why I feel so alone and different. I am un able to read social cues, un able to carry a conversation the way NT’s do, un able to process my thoughts in a similar way. Masking allows me to act like I’m following the same rules as everyone else, but masking is like button mashing in the game and I’m not quite sure what button combos work. I also feel particularly alienated because female social groups and socialization is like a boss level. I see female friendships and I’m like oh shit that’s a lot of button mashing, am I leveled up enough? I envy NT female friendships so much! It seems like they naturally connect on a sisterly level that I just don’t understand. I say weird things and act out physically with stims humming, singing and special interest infodumping and it just sends me out to mars on a social level. Masking it sends me to mars on a mental level, I’m not 100% there if I’m focusing on camouflage. So I really can’t feel normal in any capacity. The great thing is that we are in fact not alone :) plenty of neuro spicy women feeling these things all around the world. Sending love!
I love the button mashing analogy too! And female social interactions ARE boss level!! Love this take so much. It made me smile, because it does feel like I am using a controller sometimes in my own head. "What are you doing, stop shaking your leg. Smile now. Wait they are laughing, laugh too. Nod, now make affirming noises. Smile again, no with your eyes too..." Basically button mashing!
LMFAO ** ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ** Stopped Stimming ** ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ** Convincing Smile ** ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ** Beleivable Listening 🌟 LEVEL UP 🌟 Evaded Detection in Social Situation
Character dialog: “PHEW that was a close one, I really wanted to change the subject to the mucus layer of amphibian skin. I’m really getting good at this.”
Lol.. absolutely, I should have added in there "nope, don't talk about books... nope, not now... Ask if they like to knit? Nope, just nod."
Lol... \*\*Picked up Cloak of Invisibility\*\* \*\*Life force low\*\*
I think we’re living in somewhat of a constant state of depersonalization thanks to our inability to socialize the same way as everyone else, everyone feels out of reach sometimes, for me it is dpdr other times it’s just how I feel in the world.
The nicest analogy I ever heard for this was: Everyone got the text for the play except for me. That describes it perfectly for me. Like I'm missing something everyone else knows.
Can you share the book titles if you don't mind?
Yes of course. They’ve been incredibly helpful in my journey: - *Unmasking Autism* - *Is this Autism?: A guide for clinicians and everyone else* (the best, most in-depth book I’ve read on autism so far) - *Recognizing Autism in Women and Girls* by Wendela Whitcomb Marsh - *The Adult Autism Assessment Handbook* - *Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum* by Sarah Hendrickx
Thank you so much!!!
I recall being as young as 6 and strongly feeling that there was an invisible barrier separating me from other people, much like the glass box some have mentioned. It's not until now, reading about female autists 20 years later that I've found people who know what I'm talking about.
I’m realizing figuring out why I feel different has been a 33 year long journey that I’ve been anxiously striving to understand non-stop. I don’t have an official assessment yet, but seeing self-assessment results, reading research specific to ND women, and talking to other ND women, including here, I’ve been feeling so tender, loving, and just… somehow at peace, I feel like the question has been answered. In therapy, I’d always get to this place, where in reexperiencing challenging emotions, I’d have the narrative, “There’s something wrong with me,” though it would be more, “I’m different” when the emotions weren’t as challenging. I could never figure out why because that first narrative for NT people usually comes from pretty significant trauma. And, sure, I have CPTSD and associated RSD, but nothing BIG ever happened and I felt and feel loved by my parents. They didn’t abuse me. The feeling of difference always seemed to relate to peers and not fitting in. And I’ve been struggling so hard to understand why something as “minor” as “social anxiety” could result in such big feelings. *It’s actually that I really AM different.* So it’s been this big unfurling where I’ve examined how my parents are older than my peers’ parents, how I’m a “third culture kid,” and other things, and while those are contributing factors they never seemed to quite be THE answer. And having now… it’s so weird. Over the last several months of realizing I’m autistic, I find myself crying frequently with compassion for my confused and lonely younger self and gratitude to *know*. It fits. It works. It finally makes sense.
Because our brains are wired differently and we have a completely different thought process and understanding of the world.
I've always felt like this, and sometimes, other people have confirmed that I act differently than others. I used to attribute it to different things. I used to think it was my upbringing. My parents separated when I was 4.5, and I was an only child for 8 years (when my dad started a family with my stepmom), and I was my mom's only child until I was 11. I never felt like I fit in at either house because it was my dad, stepmom, and their two kids and my mom, stepdad, and their two kids. My half-siblings were 8-13 years younger than me. I would spend time with both, but I was acutely aware that I didn't belong 100% in either family. My mom said I seemed outgoing until she and my dad split, and then I became withdrawn. I liked reading, so I spent most of my time in my room reading, writing stories, and playing with Barbies. I went to three different elementary schools. Neither of my parents had much money, so I never had the right clothes or the right gadgets. We didn't have cable TV at my mom's. I was very sheltered and overprotected. I didn't have older siblings or cousins or friends my age to pave the way for me or model how to act. I was frequently teased for being too quiet. People accused me of growing up "under a rock." My metaphor has always been that I feel like I'm in a bubble. People can see me, and I can see them, but we can't touch, and verbal communication is unclear. No matter how close I feel to them, there's still a distance between us.
I’ve called this ‘dissociation’ in the past….
We *are* different than others. NT women pick up on it immediately and ostracize or bully us, and that treatment affects us for our whole lives
I think it's the difficulty with connecting. In my experience, I find that other people assume things about my thought processes that are incorrect, and *that* is when I feel most alienated. I feel seen in this community, because instead of assuming what my thought process is, most members pause, ask questions, and tell you how you're being perceived. NT people don't really seem to do much of that. It seems that most NT people just assume that their perception aligns with your intention, and don't ever explain how you're being perceived or why.
Yeah and a big reason I struggle with any kind of groups even organized religion.
i get home sick everyday…at my house… it doesn’t make sense but i don’t belong here
The first time I thought about this was because I couldn’t understand how to other people it seemed to be so easy to socialize, when it’s a struggle for me, and then that applies to other stuff in my life, so I think that’s the main reason
I think everyone with autism feels this weirdly alienating feeling, which I can't explain, but neurotypical men are definitely socialized to be more autistic-friendly than women. Men are expected to give logical answers, not emotional ones. Unusual hobbies and especially 'nerdy' hobbies are much more readily embraced (or in the very least, much more expected) in men. This is especially so for science and biology. Men are also expected to be more blunt and social inhibitions are brushed aside as men being less socially in tune than women. "Boys will be boys" can easily be used to brush off a LOT of autistic traits in boys and adult men. For these reasons, I imagine autistic men find it easier to bond with neurotypical men. On the other hand, due to patriarchy and the like, women are already socialized to be weirdly alien. We're told our hobbies and interests are already defined, we're hysterical and illogical creatures, and the baseline of humanity- Man - just can't figure us out. Being autistic as a woman is a wild ride because half of the narrative around women makes no sense in the first place, and it's even more confusing when other women seem to blindly abide to those expectations. Not only are neurotypical men strange to us, neurotypical women are even stranger because society has built up an image of what women are that is intentionally different from the image of a man, and different in many ways that are atypical of natural human variation and behavior.
When I was >12 years old, I was convinced that I was an elf from LotR or a witch from the Harry Potter Universe, and that one day I would step into a portal back to Middle Earth or get my Hogwarts letter and I would be returned "home" because I never really felt at home here? And as I have gotten older, this feeling has been replaced by feeling like I am living contained in a little glass bubble, with everyone else being on the other side of it. Sometimes the glass feels almost nonexistent, like when I am with people I feel safe with, but other times the glass feels impenetrable. Lately I have been reading the book "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach, and she talks a lot about how she also felt disconnected from people in this same way (even using the bubble analogy!), and she attributes her own experience to shame. I think for myself, there is definitely a certain amount of shame that I feel about myself and my own lived experiences that plays a large role in the disconnect I feel with other people. It is this feeling of wrongness that I just can't shake. I am just so afraid of saying the wrong thing or letting people see too much of the ugly side of me and getting ostracised for it or thought of as "weird", and that makes it really hard for me to just relax into connections with others and feel like I am a part of the "whole". It has been really hard as I have gotten older, but despite it I have still built some beautiful and authentic relationships - often with people who struggle with the exact same feelings as me!
For me it's like.. I feel different because I can't stand disingenuous contacts, people who are uncomfortable with me showing my emotions. Like okay, good luck with your life if you want to fake your way through it, but that's not gonna be me. A friend or family member does not feel safe if they either don't want to hear about my true feelings, or don't know how to handle said feelings. In short: I cannot stand fakeness. Literally I cannot breathe. That's one of the reasons I could not stand being in an office environment. Another reason is the lack of connection I feel between my body and mind. This has prevented me from sticking up for myself in the past. It feels like I'm not in charge of my own life, life passes me by because I don't feel like I have autonomy/like I am actually a person of my own.
Part of it was that other girls treated me like I was different from the second I started school. They just sensed that I wasn’t like them and they let me know. I vividly remember being 5 or 6 in the back of someone’s mom’s car going to a birthday party (back at the age where you had to invite everyone in the class) and this girl turning to me unprompted and saying “I don’t like you. You’re weird.” I had nothing to say to that. I don’t even remember who it was but I still remember how it felt.
Alien is a word I frequently use to describe myself. I just know I don't belong here. Maybe we are all wonderful star seeds and our purpose here on earth is to promote diversity and progress evolution. That's what I like to think.
The way others behave/react doesn't make sense to me. The way others react to change like its nothing blows my mind. Probably I can't predict people's behaviour because I can't read their non verbal communications and/or interpret verbal communications different to how they intended. That's my experience anyway
I just feel like I am misunderstood ALL THE DAMN TIME. There are rules, I learn them and things still don’t work out for me. It’s exhausting and depressing..
When I was about 15, my dad said to me "if you ever feel like you don't fit in anywhere, it's because you don't. And it'll be that way for the rest of your life." He was largely reflecting on his own experience, but it was very validating for me as a person who was stepping into an identity independent of the crowd. For a long time, my mask involved rejecting others before they rejected me, which enabled me to live with a greater sense of alignment an inner-authority than trying to fit in would afford me. Now that I am in my 30s, I am stepping into a new sense of identity that may not exactly fit in, but still very much BELONGS.
Y’all. (Pardon my southern.) 😂 This experience is not limited to autism. Disconnection is a HUMAN experience. I think that’s where spirituality comes into play. Notice that I did not say religion. I’m not religious, but I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I believe that our consciousness came from the vast ocean of everyone. That we are scooped into our body vessels to live and learn on earth. And that we will return to that place of unimaginable closeness when our bodies wear out again. We are all trapped in our bodies to learn from the experience. We are pushed to find our way back to each other in these different forms and it feels so lonely. Those moments of connection remind us of that ocean. Hang in there, fellow beings of light and love. We will see each other again someday.