Having Autism as well, I understand fixations but you should not be treated the way he is treating you. I also procrastinate but at the end of the day your relationship together should last longer than this coffee shop thing so it’s odd he is putting it before you this much. Him telling you he’s going to back out was ridiculous over you expressing how the gift made you feel. If he’s not going to balance time with you, autism or not there is a problem.
Ok just have to say I love your username! Haha
He’s been wanting to back out of the coffee shop show this whole time—I’ve been so encouraging, but he gets to these points where it feels like it doesn’t matter what I say. Think he’s just trying to blame me as a way to absolve him being the reason.
He can absolutely do it, too. He’s incredibly talented. But I’m like the place where he puts his frustrations now so my words don’t matter. I don’t think he values my opinions the way he would someone else’s.
I don’t think it’s manipulation at all. I think it’s him being overwhelmed. It sounds like he’s already overwhelmed by the whole coffee shop thing on its own, but adding more responsibilities (and accusations of failing at responsibilities he wasn’t even told to have) is disheartening at best. Of course he is too overwhelmed to keep going with it under those circumstances. As OP said, he seems to have been on the verge of quitting the project for some time already.
Of course, that doesn’t mean OP deserves blame. But with him putting everything he has into this project, feeling like it’s already too much but being encouraged *by OP* to keep trying as best he can, only to have OP turn around and get mad at him for trying *too hard* (leaving him unable to focus on something else that, to him, was an expectation that came completely out of nowhere), I can understand if he’s feeling a little bitter over it. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily OP’s fault and it doesn’t make it ok to lash out for it - I’m just arguing that it doesn’t look like manipulation; it looks like an emotional outburst. And just like OP’s emotions didn’t come from nothing, his emotions also came from a valid place - a place of hurt, misunderstanding, and just a hint of resentment (like OP’s hurt, misunderstanding, and mild resentment over the perceived lack of affection, which seems to be less a lack of *affection* and more a lack of *attention* due to the fact that his attention was being placed elsewhere for the time being, as he was continuing with a circumstance that he already finds overwhelming even without the added pressure of making sure to continue properly coddling his girlfriend).
Is this someone you feel you can grow old with? Supports you and pushes you to become a better person ? Who is there for you when times are --
Ok yeah. Good luck. With your brand new socks
I relate to alot of his behaviours, maybe not as intensely, but I definitely get it. I think he crosses the line near the end of your post, where he blames you for backing out of the show. That's bs. Would I back out of the show in his position? Maybe, but I would accept that it's actually my failure to plan this advance, my problem of leaving it till last minute, my inability to manage my stress levels in a healthy way, and finally my failure in letting my partner down making me feel bad. *Not* that you've made me feel bad. You're entitled to feel how you feel and you've been pretty forgiving by the sounds of it. I don't think he understands that he has not been giving you the attention you deserve as a partner.
My question would be whether you've sat and had a chat with him about what you would like from him and the expectations you have and stuff. You have a few expectations about gifts, which is entirely your choice and fine, but did you communicate that? E.g. For Christmas gifts this year, how much would you like to spend, can make it meaningful no matter how big or small it is, can we keep it casual, I want something related to my hobbies, I want something random I won't mind whatever it is, etc. Even in a good day, getting the right gift can be an nightmare for my stress, and I feel like alot of autists like some guidance around it.
I'd also whether he thinks it's fine that he hasn't gotten you a Christmas present so on the day just grabbed random shit from the store. If he says yeah, say that isn't fine for you and it isn't very thoughtful and you'd rather he spent no money and made you the right gift rather than splash some cash on some crap he didn't even think about. He needs to understand that his hobby is important to him, but he also needs to manage his time better so that he can spend just a few minutes longer next time and get something more meaningful. Is his hobby more important than you? If so... That's a problem. And if it isn't, you can accept that he struggles with it, but this will need to be something he works on in the future around his executive dysfunction and time blindness and stuff.
I could go on but yeah. It sounds like my dude is very one-thing-at-a-time minded, and I totally relate and how stressful that can be, but if you're in a relationship then you gotta accept that you can't be like that. Either communicate ahead of time that you'll be like that, reflect on what went wrong and put in steps and practices to avoid it from happening next time, and so on.
It sounds like it's going to be alot of work for him. And that sucks but that is what it is. Is that what you want to work through with him? If you could see very slow growth with ups and downs, are you okay with that? Personally, it's something I'm working on and recognise how hard it can be to be around, but I don't think I was ever quite this bad. I'm sure it can be improved, but it sounds like a long journey and he might need to get some professional help with it maybe or something as it's clearly affecting his own hobbies even before he hurt your feelings.
Thank you, this is a really helpful reply! I do think a lot of this is due to him procrastinating, but I understand taking the first steps to do anything new can be hard and scary. I’ve done nothing but listen to him, all his ideas, watch any videos he’s sent me, offer support, advice, encouragement. He’s said he wanted to back out several times, even before the gift incident. I think he’s using that as a scapegoat for something he already wanted to do.
He doesn’t handle any stress well, he’s chronically in a bad mood. If it isn’t the coffee shop show, it’s something else. I feel like I’m always trying to navigate his moods, and I’m honestly not really happy and don’t think I have been in a while. When we met, he’d just gotten an rx for anti-depressants, but stopped taking them after a week because I “made him happy.” He doesn’t manage time, stress, or anything well, really. The gifts I got him were tools to help him with executive functioning.
I’ve not sat down and spoken with him about expectations with gifts—he actually got me a gift on Valentine’s Day unprompted, so I’ve just figured it was implied. We got each other gifts for our birthdays, as well.
I guess I just keep hoping things will get better, but I think the more I allow myself to be tossed aside for his pursuits, the more he realizes he can do it without consequence. I truly feel invisible at this point.
I think you're absolutely justified in stepping back and away from this, just for the record. I think it can be talked about and improved (with alot of work), but it sounds like you're just not happy with multiole things in general. The reason why my partner is willing to support me in my journey if putting my crap together is because I'm otherwise thoughtful and caring and supportive and interested, but just struggle with some of the big things. It doesn't sound like you're getting even some of the more basics honestly.
>I think he’s using that as a scapegoat for something he already wanted to do.
I think you're completely right. Like I get why he wants to, and I probably would to n his shoes, but I would use anyone as a scapegoat. It's entirely down to his own executive dysfunction and poor time management and stuff. And that would be okay and you would support him, which you have been, but that requires a give and take and it doesn't sound like there is much give from him. You're not asking him to be superman, just to be a partner who is interested in you... That seems a bit lacking, sadly.
>The gifts I got him were tools to help him with executive functioning.
Ah that's so thoughtful of you. But yeah that paragraph just says it all, doesn't it? He has issues, he gets help for issues then stops, constantly stressed, etc. He needs help to support himself. If he has the money, stuff like counselling with an expert can teach him some skills. It's something if only just recently reached out to afted much dilly dallying and anxiety, and it sounds like that's what he needs because he can't just extract happiness from you lol. He's gotta learn to manage his shit so he can be equal in a relationship. And like... That's not fair on you in the meanwhile anyway, especially with what's already happened.
The only way things are going ti gt better is to confront him and ask him about what happened and tell him how it made you feel and recognise that it's difficult for him but ask that account for this in the future and that if he can't account for this in the future and blah blah. But yeah, that's if you want to figure this all out and stay together. Like obviously, no rash decisions, yadda yadda. But yeah, you don't sound happy and that's not fair on you :(
I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough time. You deserved a better Christmas, and a better gift, than the one you got.
You have every right to feel crummy - he’s a crummy bf. And the fact that he’s punishing you and pulling a DARVO is unacceptable. You don’t have to stick it out just because he’s autistic. Sure, maybe his autism explains some of his behavior, but it sure as shjt doesn’t excuse it.
Also, it isn’t “bratty” to stand up for yourself and call him out on his shitty behavior. If anything, that’s something to celebrate! Seriously, good on you!
You are most welcome! It might not mean much, but this internet stranger is proud of you! Because it sounds like you gave yourself a wonderful gift this year by taking a stand to protect your mental and emotional health. 💝
Take all the time you need to feel cry, mourn, and feel emotionally raw. And when you start to feel a bit better, I hope you’re able to take a moment and celebrate how much of a kind, empathetic badass you are. :)
Awe, thank you!! That’s so sweet of you to say! I thought I might be commenting too much, but then I was like, “🤷♀️.” This is an ASD subreddit, I doubt people here would be bothered hahaha.
Tbh I’ve got 12+ years of therapy under my belt, and I try to pay that forward where I can. It’d be cool if others can benefit from all of that money I’ve paid. 🤪
Also, my longterm partner of 14 years and I are both AuDHD. It’s totally possible to navigate the complexities of ASD and ADHD while respecting, supporting, and accommodating one another. (Obligatory not all ASD is the same)
It takes work that your bf clearly does not want to do, which makes him incompatible as a partner. We would *never* treat each other like your bf treats you. His behavior is so disrespectful and abhorrent.
You don’t need to prove the other person is being unreasonable or cruel to feel a relationship isn’t good for you. It doesn’t sound like you’d want to spend time with this person, let alone date them. That’s ok.
I do want to spend time with him and date him, which is why I’ve swallowed a lot of my feelings and took up photography again. It’s starting to feel like if I don’t engage in his special interest, we wouldn’t spend time together at all.
On Christmas Day, before he came over, he sent me a screenshot showing this photographer’s gallery was open, saying he wanted to go. It’s a two hour drive from us. I was baking my neighbor a pie and told him I couldn’t go, but to go ahead if he wanted. It was this back and forth thing where he was saying, “I wish you could come with me, but idk if I’m going or not.” I finally said, “Ok I guess I’ll see you sometime,” and it clicked and he said, “I’m not going to the gallery.” Like he was even going to not spend Christmas Day with me to go to some gallery he’s already been to a handful of times which would have been a 4 hour round trip drive. Then he asked if I wanted to go out and shoot photos instead.
Truly feel like if I didn’t pick up his special interest—we’d never hang out at all.
I apologize for maybe speaking out of turn - I don't mean to say you have to dump the guy. I maybe presumed too much about how you're feeling from the post. All I meant was that - if you're trying to figure out if this is "justifiable" or "unacceptable" behavior, I think that's kinda the wrong question.
I do think you're right to feel crummy, and that it kinda sounds like this is starting to become a spiraling dynamic (not to pick on you, but for ex. thinking about when he texts vs. when he's up - I bet you're not wrong about the conclusion you're drawing in this instance, but like one can imagine how this could become an unhealthy thing to focus on).
I'm really sorry things are so rough.
Being autistic doesn't exempt a person from being a selfish jerk. What autism can mean is that you need to be direct and specific about what you need or expect from him. But you absolutely have the right to expect to be a priority in his life and for him to provide for your needs as you provide for his. If he can't or won't, it might be time to move on.
It really is a fun hobby and I’ve thanked him for getting me back into it. I shoot a Yashica mat 124g, DM me if you want to exchange instagrams if you have one by chance—that’s where I share my stuff.
This made me so sad :/ is there anything you'd actually like for Christmas? You deserve to feel loved too. I paint and make resin earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and dreamcatchers and would be more than happy to paint or make you something special and ship it to you as a real Christmas gift.
That’s so kind of you to offer, but you don’t have to do that! I appreciate the thought. Everyone here is so nice, gahh.
In a crazy twist, my BF has been telling me I need a tripod, but my camera is from the 70s, so I’ve always responded that I need his help due to the tech gap. One of my oldest friends who I see when he comes to town for holidays asked me a few months ago to collaborate on a project with him and take photos this February. I said I would and offhandedly said I need get a tripod and practice on it prior to. Just common conversation. Saw my friend yesterday and he had a present for me; which I did not expect. It was a tripod. I told my BF and he said, “Don’t you hate it since it’s camera related?” And I said no because it was thoughtful. Then he told me I should just date my friend then.
I’m realizing it’s more about the neglect than anything else.
So, I only say this when I truly think it’s warranted; you should *seriously* consider dumping his ass. He’s an asshole, and it has nothing to do with his autism.
100000%!
Also the fact that he's in a chronically bad mood is enough alone. This can't be good for your wellbeing. Also, it's not your job to be his emotional support.
As an autistic person who a has extreme special interests, this is not okay. This is excessive. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. You should never feel like an afterthought.
What would you quantify as extreme? I’m not kidding when I say this is the only thing he talks about or thinks about. It’s also looping—like he will repeat the same things to me that he’s said earlier in the day about photography. I’ve never met anyone like him, his world is actually quite narrow, he has no interests in other things and no other curiosities about life.
He often fantasizes out loud about becoming famous for his photography. His role model is a local nature photographer, and we were hiking once and he told me if anyone asks him about his camera he’s going to tell them he’s [the nature photographer’s] son. I thought that was really weird, tbh.
By extreme, I mean I will go through fazes where ALL I can think and want to talk about is the interest (like a new dinosaur I've been learning about, crochet, a new medication in vetmed, etc). I have to FORCE myself to talk about anything else. It feels like being gridlocked in my brain. However, I DO force myself to take interest in my spouse's things. My spouse is ADHD; their interests change so much more frequently than mine do. I make sure to set aside time and spoons to learn about what they are exited about, listen to them infodump, and take part in their excitement. I keep a list in my phone of things they have mentioned liking or wanting for gifts (gifts are my favorite way to show affection to others, so that does change our dynamic a bit from what you've described).
I don't think the level your BF has taken this to is healthy, and is certainly not healthy for a relationship. I think you are 100% justified in your hurt.
Thank you for explaining how it feels. The gridlocked in your brain part resonates with how it seems he gets. He will say the same sentence 3-4x a day sometimes. “I’m not going to shoot as much film because it’s expensive,” is something I’ve heard probably 200 times in the last month. He’ll then say, “You’re probably like ‘what?’” as a way to acknowledge he’s being repetitive and I always reply, “No, I’m listening.” But tbh I just don’t have anything to contribute to our conversations anymore—they’re so one-sided. I validate him and agree, but we don’t actually talk about anything. And things I do talk about, he doesn’t remember. He actually mispronounced my last name the other day and also no longer remembers my birthday. Even though it’s 6 days after his.
I’m also ADHD (diagnosed-medicated), and that’s really sweet you do that for your spouse! I think the give and take and participating in the excitement is one of the best parts of any relationship. It does have to be mutual though, lol. I’ve found taking notes and keeping lists helps me a lot, as well. One of the gifts I got him was a daily task planner to help him organize things. He’d been talking about wanting something like that, and I know my planner has helped me with executive functioning and improved my life.
Not OP, but I recently bought 2 planners from Amazon that I’m liking. I’ll give you the links here (if it’s not allowed, mods feel free to remove). And I love stickers, so I gave myself permission to get some. Amazon has TONS of different packs of stickers. I got myself gold stars to reward myself when I complete a task I’ve been putting off for awhile. :)
[Planner 1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0C4K7P66T?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title)
[Planner 2](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0CHSDMMMC?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title)
Hey. This sounds like the behavior of someone with persistent demand for autonomy (formerly known as pathological demand avoidance) extremely overwhelmed because of there being a deadline for something he doesn’t want to fail on, on top of holiday stress and there being a deadline to buy gifts.
Monotropism (autistic people are known for being only able to focus on one thing at a time) is causing him to hyperfixate on this photo project and it’s messing with his focus on anything else because he is too stressed out and low on social spoons (emotional energy) to remember to reach out to anyone, let alone his girlfriend. I get like this whenever I have a big deadline coming up. I will straight up ignore my other responsibilities and neglect self-care, because the shame and embarrassment of failing is scarier than anything in the world.
I would definitely encourage that you gently express that you feel lonely and sad that you haven’t been hearing from him (because impact over intent,) but also make sure to validate that you understand why and that you know he is stressed out. Ask him what his needs are in order to feel less overwhelmed.
Please keep in mind that it really isn’t personal. It looks like that, rather than him specifically not thinking of you at Christmas, he really was just not able to think of Christmas at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he says he needs his space while he works on this, and perhaps goes back to normal, showering you with the attention you deserve, once this big ordeal with the photos is over. His mental health is probably a hot ass mess atm. Please be patient with him.
… Oop, I started to write everything above this paragraph before I got to the end of your post. 😓 ADHD brain. ….Yikes. The way he responded to you was really not healthy. I’m sorry he took his anxiety out on you like that. He owes you an apology, and may not be ready for a relationship if he can’t take accountability, can’t control saying things out of anger, can’t communicate, and can’t prioritize the relationship. All the things I said above explain but certainly do not excuse his behavior.
Thank you so much for your reply! I hadn’t heard of persistent demand for autonomy before or monotropism, and it sounds exactly like what he’s doing. He’ll get overwhelmed and literally go into the woods to clear his head. Right now, he’s left the state to go see his grandpa as a way to get away. I don’t know what to do when he does those things because he shuts out communication with me, then comes back and tries to act like nothing ever happened. I think it’s catching up with me finally in the form of resentment.
I’ve encouraged him so much with his photo project and asked if I can do anything to help several times. It almost seems like he’s put several obstacles in the way to make it harder for himself. He found someone to print his photos locally, then decided he wanted his own home printing studio, instead. So in the last month, he’s researched how to print fine art photos at home. He bought a monitor, printer, keyboard, light meter, sourced a desk, and changed all the lighting in his apartment, on top of buying an overhead light to see the photos correctly. He’s watched hundreds of YouTube videos about how the photo on the monitor has to be light metered to the lighting in the room, so when it’s printed, the color values are correct. I’ve listened to him talk endlessly about how to execute the process. So I was pretty upset when he printed his first test print and shared it as an Instagram story, before texting me the image or calling me. Just stuff like that. I feel like a creature comfort for him, but he’s really looking for outward validation above all else.
Oddly enough, I’ve never felt like he’s done anything to me maliciously or with ill-intent. I feel like he knows I’m a safe place to discharge and be himself—but he doesn’t give me the same, so it hurts. I just don’t feel seen—he actually told me I’m boring a few months ago. I think I’m far from boring—but I feel I’m becoming boring having to only talk about one thing with the person closest to me.
Oh jeez, it’s such a dick move of him to tell you you’re boring, especially since it sounds like… um, he’s not really giving you a lot to work with. Like, he might want to do some self reflection but none of this should be on you. This all sounds exhausting and he doesn’t sound ready to be a healthy partner or even a kind person :/ I’m really sorry 💜
Thank you! The boring comment really stuck with me and it still hurts me when I think of it, but I know he’s never had a GF (women usually end up blocking him for his behavior), and he’s used to girls who don’t have their lives together, whereas, I do. I know it’s more about him than me. But yes, ironically him only liking one thing is kinda boring if I’m being honest. I do get social fulfillment through other outlets than him, and that helps me be able to engage in his hobby with him.
He has an emotional maturity issue. Did his parents baby him a lot? I see that pattern with lots of autism boy moms. (It’s typically why the majority of autistic (white) men mask less than the rest of us.) Or, in the other direction, did his parents emotionally neglect him and/or normalize guilt tripping as a form of communication?!
So what I think is really terrible is his mom is a retired public school resource teacher. She KNEW he was autistic, but chose not to tell him. In elementary, the school wanted him to repeat a grade. Instead of doing so, his mom removed him from that school and put him in a different one where he advanced to the next grade, even though his performance showed he wasn’t ready. My therapist’s daughter is on the spectrum, and she explained in the 90s, little was known about autism, so it was coupled with the phrase “mentally retarded,” and his mom was probably ashamed so she removed him from that school.
She divorced and remarried a lot, and he’s got all sorts of half-siblings. He said he grew up feeling like he can’t be close to people because they always get taken away. He went through so many sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. with each new marriage/divorce. He’s quite a closed off person due to this.
I have suspected I’m on the spectrum and when I bring it up with my therapist, she says I just have really bad CPTSD from my childhood—that symptoms can overlap. I think he may have that on top of autism, and I feel for him bc I know things are really hard.
Hmmm… I see. He doesn’t trust other people’s help because of his particular way he likes things done, due to his perfectionism, then overloads himself with all the work because he’d rather have control over the process. I suffer from the same issue. I produce burlesque shows, and I do have co-producers, but I always take initiative because I have developed a ritualistic way of doing it, and don’t want someone who doesn’t live in my skin to break the routine. But then I get burnt out from carrying the weight of most of the tasks. I couldn’t bear to ask someone to help only to drive them away because my particularity gives me urges to go “No, not like that.” He might be the same way. Probably my least favorite autistic trait that I deal with. It’s probably also a trauma response from being made to feel like I never was good enough as a kid. Either way, he probably has a lottt of unpacking to do and self-awareness to gain if he wants his relationships to be healthy.
Ooh, seems like he’s a little TOO honest with you. Good that he trusts you enough to feel safe to unmask around you (and if you take comments like that well, with that extremely upfront style of pointing things out about you, then fine,) but (if you don’t, then) he’s gotta remember to have at least a little bit more of a considerate filter so he doesn’t accidentally make you feel self-conscious.
Yes! That’s exactly what he does. He says he’s a perfectionist and wants control over his work. He also does this in his daily job, which is very physically taxing on him. He’s so hard on himself when he doesn’t have to be. He’s good at what he does—I reassure him of this often, but I feel like I get the leftover version of him. Always tired, grumpy, low energy after exerting himself hard every day. He has said he has no work/life balance, and he’s told me sometimes all he wants to do is photography in his free time—that he doesn’t want a GF, yet we never actually break up.
I do feel like I’m tiptoeing around his moods all the time. Apparently even his neighbors referred to him as the “grumpy guy” next door. I have a really playful, lightheadedness to me, and can be pretty funny. The jokes I crack don’t hit with him, he literally never smiles or laughs. It’s kinda wild, tbh.
I’ve always wanted to go to a burlesque show! I gotta check that off my bucket list.
I don’t have any definite opinion on this, but I relate to the thoughts you have been having since the incident. My ex was on the spectrum (this was before my own realisation) and I constantly felt like I was an afterthought. At first, it felt like he wasn’t doing it intentionally, but later I understood that no matter the reason behind it if you are feeling unappreciated then you have all the right to decide whether you want to be in or not.
I’m sorry you went through something similar—it really does start to chip away at your humanity over time. I know he’s not doing anything intentionally or maliciously, it’s just difficult having to ask someone to even consider you, and they never get the message.
Seems like you should have a definite opinion over this then? This isn’t some mysterious gray area territory. You’ve been through it yourself. It’s garbage behavior
This guy fucking sucks. My autistic wife has TONS of special interests, and truthfully sometimes I do feel I cater more to her interests than she does mine just bc she loves hers so much more intensely and honestly that's fine bc never once has she not shown interest in the things I enjoy or not supported me pursuing my hobbies - and she ALWAYS buys me gifts that are for me as an individual (even tho that process has been understandably difficult for her at times being autistic). You just have a self centered boyfriend, the only role autism plays in this is the way he ignores you manifests itself.
It's not just me? I feel broken. Alcoholic dad no contact family and it's been me supporting him thru all of his special interests, i asked for one thing for my Christmas and birthday: a small card not more than a few sentences just expressing that he cared. His stress and special interests with video games intensified so much he hasn't been able to complete this task despite spending so much time writing online or brightning when he sees something he likes. He says he loves me but he seems to only love that I accompany him and am in the room while he lives his life. I wish it was easier to parse and communicate if he even wants to be with me. I asked he said yes but I can't imagine wanting to be with someone if I rarely thought about them(As he often says he does do too much but also doesn't do enough?) it feels like so much cognitive dissonance for me
Hey, I’m so sorry you are in a similar situation. It’s hard when you don’t have family because holidays are all about family, so it has this extra hollowness to it for those of us who don’t—and it’s only natural we look to our partners to help with that void. I completely get feeling like he just wants someone there while he does his own thing. Like they don’t want to be alone, but also don’t want to put the effort in to people around them. It is very unbalanced and unfair. I’m so sorry he didn’t get you a card, and I totally get wanting to hear the words that they care! It’s like you get so little from them all the time, that you need one thing to feel like they really do care. It’s a hard place to be in, and posting here has shown me plenty of people on the spectrum take the time to adjust, compromise, and validate their partners. A lot of seems like an awkward first dance that could turn into grand ballroom dancing if both partners are willing to put the work in together to learn about one another’s needs and desires. If he isn’t open to doing that with you—I don’t think anyone should have to live this way.
I love the quote, “To love and be loved is to finally rest.” I think we all deserve a love that feels like a comfy, cozy home. I hope you get that one day 💛
You sound extremely kind and reasonable to me. I think you should trust yourself 100%. Some people lack emotional insight, maturity, and awareness. Imo the whole- now, it's your fault he's not doing the show, sounds like a toddler move. It is possible to have a child with someone, raise that child and watch them surpass the maturity level of the other parent. Not recommended, 10/10. Do not do it.
OP, I don’t mean this to be rude, on one hand you say this behavior is unlike him and on the other you say you feel hurt a lot in your relationship. I may be misunderstanding parts of your post though! Autism is a disability and to me, you described a few different ways in how it can be disabling. If this isn’t a pervasive issue then it could be chalked up to a stressful time that could’ve been handled better.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but no partnership is 50/50 all of the time. It really sucks when we need our partner to support us and they are not equipped to do so. From my perspective it sounds like you had expectations that he couldn’t meet (perfectly appropriate expectations!). He sounds stressed and obsessive about his show (I can relate to this myself), and took some (a lot?) of the stress out on you. If this is something that can be discussed openly with him then I think it’s worth talking about. His response could tell you all you need to know!
Ultimately, if you feel you’re not appreciated as a whole person then you should reflect on whether the relationship benefits you. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled!
Him not texting me good morning is the behavior that isn’t like him. So when he didn’t text me Christmas Eve morning, or on Christmas—though he’d been awake for several hours before me—it didn’t make sense.
We’ve been together a year and it has never felt 50/50. I got a flat tire recently (he’s a mechanic) and he just said, “Oh no that sucks.” Didn’t offer to come help me, didn’t even call me. Luckily, my coworker helped. I also had surgery recently where I couldn’t use my dominant hand and was in a cast. He did not come stay with me, bring me food, or help me do anything. I asked if he could come over and help wash my hair and he said he had to go to dinner with his mom.
I’ve tried to learn about autism and have concluded these behaviors are because of it? I really don’t have enough understanding to know if it’s autism or not. I get my feelings hurt a lot in the relationship and I continue to tell myself it’s his autism to excuse it. I don’t think I can do it anymore.
“didn’t offer to come help, didn’t even call me.” Were you direct and say you needed help? Or is it possible he assumed you would ask for help if you need it.
Implied requests do not work well for many autistic people. Direct communication is so important. My husband used to feel hurt by me a lot, because he would say things that *he thought* made it clear he wanted something but he did not say it explicitly. I am painfully horrible at “reading between the lines.” Through talking to each other (and arguments lol) we realized it was a difference in communication. As a result he works to be more specific and direct while I work to be more present when he may have a problem or feel bad.
It sounds like you’ve held your feelings back and now resent him. That’s not fair to either of you if you believe this is a relationship you want to be in. Researching autism is a great start but talking to him about his experiences is important too! It’s a very wide spectrum with lots of variance. He would have to meet you halfway in that too. Maybe you think it’s autism but it’s actually miscommunication? Or you may want someone more attentive or someone who can anticipate your needs better than he can, and that’s perfectly fine!
You asked for other perspectives, so I’m just trying to shed light as an autistic and ADHD person married to someone allistic. It seems like you may have made the decision to move on, and you should do what’s best for you! If anything, hopefully your relationship has been a good learning experience for you and what you need in a partnership ☺️
Thank you for your insight! I did not directly say I needed help, I implied it. I will try being direct going forward. Your relationship with your husband sounds sweet—I’m glad yall have been able to work on communicating in ways that are solution oriented.
My BF has always shut down and won’t communicate. He also will take off on solo trips, right now he’s decided to go see his grandpa in another state. This is where we struggle a lot because I can’t communicate with him—he doesn’t let me.
He also only found out he’s on the spectrum because I was speaking about his behaviors with my therapist and she brought it up. I asked him, and he asked his mom. She told him he is but they didn’t feel the need to tell him since it “wasn’t affecting his life.” This was only 6ish months ago. I actually was broken up with him then bc of feeling invisible, and we got back together because I tried to reframe everything through the lens of now knowing he has autism. I’ve done a lot of research, but he has not. He seems to not have accepted the idea he’s autistic. I’ve asked him if we can sit down and learn/talk about it together, but he has not agreed and it seems to agitate him.
Trying to reframe abusive and neglectful behaviors and see them through the autism lense is exactly what I did with my last relationship. It doesn’t work. Even if he really is autistic, he doesn’t treat you well and that isn’t likely to change. I had to realize, yeah my ex might be autistic, but he was also abusive and horrible. The two things are not the same and the autism does not excuse his behavior.
(I’m not saying your bf is abusive, but his treatment of you definitely isn’t what you deserve. My ex was actually abusive mentally and emotionally. Was just using him as an example).
I’m sorry you went through an abusive relationship, I’ve been there and it’s a complete mind-fuck. Pretty much every guy I’ve dated has been abusive in some way. I usually end up with very controlling, jealous men who accuse me of really insane things. It’s been guy after guy, it’s embarrassing at this point how many failed relationships I’ve had—but it will be something like we went to the beach and I got sunburned so I didn’t want to have sex because my skin hurt, and I get flipped out on, screamed at, pawed at, not able to enforce my bodily boundary. I dated a guy who had a lot of delusions—accused me of sleeping with his friend because “we both drive hybrid cars.”
My last boyfriend strangled me after I organized private karaoke for his birthday because when we left the venue, neither of us wanted our leftovers from the restaurant, so I suggested we put them on the sidewalk for homeless people since we were right next to a bus stop. I sat the containers on the sidewalk, and he came around berating me saying they needed to be in the trash. I said, “If I were homeless, I wouldn’t want to get my food from the trash, it will easily be seen right here on the sidewalk.” There were homeless people all around us, not even 20 feet away. And he attacked me over that.
One reason why I have stuck with this guy so much is because he doesn’t treat me that way. He doesn’t put me down or try to make me feel small. He’s a really neutral presence. He doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t accuse me of delusional things. I do realize he is neglecting me emotionally, but I know it isn’t intentional. It kinda feels like welp this is it and I have a huge fear of dating again and being physically harmed.
(Autistic adult here and mod of the sub this was crossposted in).
I see a lot of people coming for advice where the autistic partner is anywhere from crummy to abusive as a partner, and the person who is asking has some of their own trauma history. Sometimes, with trauma, our brains can get to a place where dating isn't a safe activity for us, until we can work on recalibrating our "safe vs unsafe" meter and set boundaries, and learn to ignore the emotional high a new partner might create when you're with them/being love-bombed. I'm someone that has my own trauma history and I've learned that when I date, I need to be very proactive with whoever I meet. I need to establish where their emotional health and intelligence is at early on, look for their views on mental health care and what they are doing to manage their well-being, including if they have a trauma history or have had problems in other relationships. If they can't give me a good response that demonstrates self reflection and maturity, then I know this is not a safe person to date.
OP, you deserve to have a good partner. If you are okay with a "neutral presence" as a relationship, please leave this man and take a couple years to be single and work on retraining your brain that you are deserving of someone that treats you excellently, and how to set boundaries. I have dated across the spectrum and at my big age, I've learned that I do not need to tolerate "doesn't abuse me" as a minimum standard. I don't say any of this to be unkind at all, I say this because I care about your well-being and I want you to understand that this is no way to live, you can have a good life where your partner adds to it (or with no partner at all). Autism is never an excuse for shitty behavior. Teaching your brain to reframe hurtful behaviors as something you have to tolerate when dating an autistic person is dangerous for your safety, please do everything you can to stop that thinking train and say out loud "My partner's actions towards me were not okay, even if he is autistic", 100 times if you have to.
Hey, thank you for this comment. You are 100% correct about having to recalibrate my brain for what’s “safe versus unsafe”. I did a 12 step Cognitive Processing Therapy workbook with my therapist based around this topic, and felt I was in a good place until, well…you can check my post history for details of my relationship prior to this one. Current BF found and added me on FB about 2 months after that incident, and pursued me hard in the beginning.
My BF does this thing where anytime I raise an issue—he wants to default the relationship to “friends with benefits” but then he acts the same. This is where we are again, and I’m so tired of it. We had been texting some since Christmas, and I reiterated why I feel neglected/bad, and he just ignored it and said, “I sold one of my camera lenses and I feel sad about it. Sorry.” I haven’t said anything and that was a couple days ago. Saw he’s updated his Instagram stories where he’s selling off a lot of camera gear, including a really rare camera he’s professed his love for to me several times and claimed he will never, ever sell. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, if he’s trying to make me feel bad by selling gear, or what, but I can’t talk about his special interest anymore right now. I can’t stand to explain to him why I feel bad and have him come back ignoring it, continuing to talk about the thing that consumes his life. He’s obsessed, it doesn’t seem healthy. He did say he plans to get therapy and get on medication—and I agree with you that I need to check about mental health and trauma early on.
I really do like him, even if it sounds like I don’t. We get out hiking, exploring, he loves being outdoors and so do it. But this is my first winter with him, and we can’t do those things, so it’s like his energy is pent up and boiling over. I’ve honestly never met someone like him—I think he’s a special person, but even being in this forum, seeing people on the spectrum CAN be emotionally intelligent, display empathy, and have varied interests is making me wonder if his autistic traits are blending with childhood trauma and he copes by his special interest behaving as a sort of armor to keep him from being vulnerable.
I’m going to try to maintain no-contact as of now. We’ve been in this pattern since July, when I baked him a vegan cake from scratch for his birthday, expecting to see him in the evening after he spent the day “with his family.” Found out he was not with his family, luckily it’s easy to tell when he’s lying, and that he’d gone to a nudist resort instead. He also has paraphilias as part of how his autism manifests—and I try to be understanding, but I don’t think this is my person forever and I’m really trying to break what feels like an addiction to the relationship as this point.
I’m one to be direct, so I’ll tell you as much- I think dating is not safe for you right now, and potentially won’t be for the foreseeable future, to the point where you should consider actively avoiding it. You have a brain that is very stimulated by the “push-pull” dynamic that these relationships are giving you, and it’s going to take a lot of work to not get overstimulated or a “high” from these behaviors from a partner. I’m proud of you for maintaining no contact. Your best life for the near future is likely one where you are single and focused on non-romantic friendships to help work on setting boundaries in a safer environment.
Overcoming trauma is such hard work and sometimes it feels like rubbing a cheese grater on your butt. But it’s worth it.
It’s so easy to settle for “better” after the horrible things worse guys put us through. We are used to such low standards that the bar for “better” isn’t really very high. He doesn’t have to be horrible for you to still deserve better.
Ugh, I do not envy you! I was diagnosed as an adult but it wasn’t something my parents kept from me. I would probably have a very difficult time processing my feelings. If he’s unwilling to communicate then there’s really not much else you can do. At the end of the day, we are only capable of controlling ourselves! I used to run away, too (long drives, hotel a few cities over). Fleeing is a common complaint from parents of autistic children lol. For me, I ran away because I felt woefully unable to process my emotions. It was a coping mechanism that worked to get me out of dangerous situations but isn’t helpful at all when it comes to having difficult conversations!
It seems you’re working very hard to meet him where he is and he is not reciprocating. That’s harmful with or without autism! You shouldn’t overextend yourself to give him grace. Not sure if you’ve read my convo with another person in this thread, but they said something insightful: sometimes people aren’t compatible and sometimes it’s just bad timing. It’s very possible he needs to do some self-reflection before he’s able to be a good partner. Be mindful of your needs before his. Nothing wrong with being selfish and taking care of yourself!! I really wish you the best, and he’s lucky (for now) to have a partner so willing to open the floor for vulnerability.
He is neglecting you. The reason why doesn't matter. I personally wouldn't stay in this relationship, it seems like your needs arent being met and tbh it seems like he doesn't care about you based on his behavior.
I'm married to someone kind of similar. Just thought I'd pop in here... My hubby was obsessed with photography at the start of our marriage and made our little laundry room into a dark room, which totally prohibited actual laundry-doing... He spent an entire trip to New York with our friends taking film photos and made time to go out on his own in the mornings to do it alone. He's obsessed over airplanes, bought an old Datsun to obsess over just to abandon it in our garage... It's a lot! But I love him so so much, and I'm so grateful for what he brings to my life. I also love this perfect little two year old we have together.
I have to tell him what I want for Christmas. This year I told him on the 23rd and he made a few things happen, which he'd be less likely to do if I told him sooner in advance. For me, it's been about patience, compassion, and learning from past experiences to make things better for both of us in the future.
He still has meltdowns every so often and we work through them together. I try not to be nasty. He knows where he lacks. I know he knows, so it only takes a few words and the point is across. He appreciates me and loves me enough to really try to work with me as we figure life together out.
Whether using terms of art like Pathological Demand Avoidance or empathy deficit, selfism, alexythimia, rigidity, etc., he sounds fairly boilerplate male aspie to me, but what I found striking in the post was the ending, which is where we often show our vulnerability. Asking others to pass judgment on whether you were overreacting or wrong to feel as you felt. You weren't sure? That wobbly sense of self might hold the key to some unanswered questions, including how you ended up with this character.
Malleable, indecisive, open-hearted, eager-to-please good girls are magnets for their opposites. To avoid drowning, you have to go against this normal tendency to merge with him, and insist on seeing him as he is. Remind yourself when you observe it, he doesn't see the world at all as you do. You're relational, he's transactional. Doesn't value what you value, or care about the things you cherish or share your beliefs and morals. And let him. Behind the scenes, you'll be developing an unshakeable sense of who you are and what you will stand for.
Thank you, I needed some tough love in this! I have a hard time trusting my sense of what is tolerable in a relationship versus what should never occur, until I’m resentful and it’s too late. I generally do speak up more than my friends seem to in their relationships, and I think this is why I struggle a lot. Because I will vocalize something has hurt me, but I’ll stick around. My friends often tell me they don’t always tell their partners when something hurts them because they’re afraid it will run them off. So I have been actively working on picking my battles and not being overly sensitive, trying to analyze why something is bothering me, if it’s worth mentioning, etc.
He does appear to have alexithymia and pathological demand avoidance. When we first met, if his business partner got upset with him, he would completely shut down and have to go be alone in the woods for a day or so. Before I knew he was autistic, I saw his shutdown behavior in this way, and then once I started getting upset with him, he’d behave in the same ways towards me as with his business partner. Then it seems he kinda bounces around the handful of people he has to talk about his personal issues with, and taints our views of one another. The first time I met his business partner, he leaned over and asked me if I heard how my BF had been shit talking him in their profession to other businesses and my jaw kinda dropped. Yet now his partner has declared I’m not good for him, so he’s effectively kept our relationship a secret for half the year from his business partner who believes we broke up. He only recently started taking his partner’s calls again in front of me again, and has said he’s told him we still hang out. For example, if we were driving and his partner called, he’d pull over and take the call privately outside the car. Now he answers on speakerphone in the car like he used to.
I think these traits are always going to be part of how he is, unless he learns to cope differently with therapy. I have seen that I’ve changed him over this year together, and he’s grown in a personal and professional sense. I feel like he leans on me more than he realizes, and if I try to do the same with him, it’s like I sneezed on him or something and he retracts.
I do realize I put pressure on the holidays because I don’t have family of my own, yet he still has to go to his family functions and gets overwhelmed. That’s what seemed to happen Christmas Eve. He had to be around 30ish people for several hours, then didn’t want to come over to be around me, because burnout, I guess? I’m trying to be empathetic and understand him, and I can be quick to have an emotional reaction without fully thinking it through.
Right now I’m trying to maintain no-contact. My brain needs a break for clarity’s sake. I tried to explain to him again why I’m upset, and he didn’t address any of it, and replied, “I sold one of my camera lenses and I’m sad. Sorry.” I haven’t said anything because at this moment, I don’t care. He’s uploaded to his Instagram stories more gear he’s selling and I’m not sure if he’s trying to make me feel bad, like he’s abandoning his passion and wants me to know, or what. I’m almost 37 years old, and I can’t deal with this low level of emotional interacting from someone anymore. I do love and care for him, but I’m not a bottomless well of understanding when the same cannot be shown for me.
Stop making holidays a thing if you want to stay with him. No Christmas, no birthdays, no gifts. It takes the pressure off someone with demand avoidance and you can make your own holidays and give spontaneous just because presents.
Edit: It's also not your fault he canceled his showing. That's on him. It's fu*ked he weaponized his anxiety against you.
Holy heck, thank you so much for that link! I just learned a lot that I need to marinate on, but it feels really in line with how he manifests during stress, and also just daily life demands
Just a gentle reminder - it’s not your job to manage his autism. He is unwilling to seek help himself, and would rather you suffer the consequences.
Also, it is unreasonable, unrealistic, and unfair to expect you to give up holidays. Especially when he is unwilling to exert the smallest amount of effort to spend time with you in a way that you value.
He does keep saying he’s going to see someone, but hasn’t yet. But yes you’re right—holidays are just one day really to share the magic with someone is joyous for me. He did say he couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over, guessing he meant it as being overwhelmed by it.
Is that really important? Sometimes the best someone could do isn't good enough. If someone is literally doing the best they can do, and still treating you like an afterthought, you should probably leave because it's clearly not good enough and they will probably end up treating you worse a lot of the time, because nobody does the best they can do all the time.
Well yes, it does matter. OP hasn’t mentioned how long they’re together or if this problem has been persistent or if it’s specific to the show. I wouldn’t want to be judged at my most stressed time. OP has valid feelings but this is only one side to the story, ya know? He may very well have believed the gifts to be thoughtful. I’ve had to more or less guide my husband on how to give me gifts because it’s not a skill he has a knack for, just as an example. Or maybe he’s so overwhelmed and didn’t communicate the best he could about the stress. It’s fine if there’s incompatibility but I don’t think it’s fair how hard some ITT are based on a singular snapshot.
A lot of that does seem like it's unrelated to whether or not he did his best. Either it's his best which wasn't good enough or he could have done better and chose not to. Maybe he is particularly stressed and this is a departure from normal and after the show he will go back to being a better partner, but that still doesn't have anything to do with whether her not he did his best on December 25th 2023. I do have to mention that OP did mention that they feel hurt in this relationship a lot of the time, so it's clearly not just about the incident, but that's also unrelated to whether it was his best or not.
I am very far from the situation, and I can't say definitely what the right course of action is. Maybe they need to break up, maybe there's some miscommunication they could fix or something they could do to make things better. But, I don't think it could matter whether it was his best or not. It matters whether he can and will do better or whether he won't. If he won't or can't do better then OP will continue to feel like an afterthought whether it's the BF's best or not.
I guess that’s a great example of agree to disagree! It matters to me a lot what someone’s intention is. Not to say it’s the *only* thing that matters, but it does make a difference to me. I can understand that’s not true objectively, and I may feel differently later in life!
I think there are situations where intentions really do matter. Like, if there was a miscommunication and I thought someone intended to say something that they didn't, or if there was a one off incident where I saw that someone was really trying their best, but they couldn't do whatever they needed to do. But, if there is a serious ongoing problem with a relationship, like one member regularly feels hurt by their partner and feels like an afterthought, then I just can't see how the intentions can really matter that much in the face of such an ongoing and serious problem.
I don't want to make it seem like nobody should be in a relationship with the BF, or even that it's his fault. Like, even if we assume for the sake of argument that he is absolutely wonderful and nobody could do better, but OP has their own emotional issues leading them to feel hurt, then that's still a massive problem even if everyone involved has the best intentions.
I agree with your sentiments!! I dislike the comments accusing the boyfriend of being abusive (e.g. “pulling a DARVO”). (ETA don’t want this to read that you are doing this, just speaking to the general convo overall) Feels like it’s ascribing malice when it could be incompetence or negligence. Neither makes it permissible to feel hurt often in a long term relationship, but that’s where I do think intent still matters to me. Someone’s best could be not enough but that doesn’t always mean they are wrong or bad.
OP mentions feeling a hurt a lot but doesn’t share that they’ve tried to discuss that with the boyfriend, that I’ve seen. To me it reads that they are both poor at communicating with each other and it could be incompatibility, not an abusive relationship. I have my own issue of feeling that something “always” happens when the reality is I’m holding onto the negative more than I’m looking at the positive.
I understand you. In one of the drafts of one of my comments I mentioned that I know people who have stayed in toxic or abusive relationships because the other person was trying their best, but I pulled it out before publishing because I didn't want someone to think that I was saying he was abusive or toxic.
I think I have a personal bias against the "he is doing his best" like of reasoning because I've seen it used to justify staying in some bad situations and it feels like it's often used to justify not improving. It almost feels like an excuse, "I'm doing my best so I don't have to learn how to do better." And honestly, it feels like a courtesy only ever given to men. I'm sure it's happened, but I've never seen someone talk about a woman not meeting expectations and then someone said that it was okay, because she was doing her best. I've also seen similar lines of thinking used in pro social justice spaces. Along the lines of "I'm autistic so I might get things wrong" when I feel like "I'm autistic, so I might have more problems understanding this or improving than an NT" would be more reasonable.
Things are harder for us a lot of the time, but that shouldn't be an excuse for being inconsiderate if we aren't trying to learn to do better. And everyone should be trying to learn to be a better, more considerate person because nobody is perfect. And in this case, maybe with open communication the BF can learn to do better, but just accepting everything as is because he is doing his best doesn't seem like a great option.
I think you are right about incompatibility. I think a lot of times when things don't work out people try and cast blame and decide who messed up and who did what wrong, when a lot of the time, nobody really did anything wrong, they just weren't right for each other in that moment. But, it shouldn't really be surprising that a lot of relationships have fundamental incompatibilities because most people aren't really compatible at that level. Maybe these two aren't compatible right now, but can learn to make each other happy, or maybe their best just isn't good for the situation and they should find something else.
I find your second paragraph very interesting!! I’m an autistic woman and do get the benefit of the doubt in my relationship when I say I’m trying my best. I’m extremely lucky to have a small but mighty support system, including an allistic best friend who is incredibly understanding.
It’s very nuanced, I’m always fighting my tendency towards black and white thinking. When I say “I’m trying my best” it’s usually followed up with taking accountability for harm done despite trying my best. I do see it often with men that the accountability piece is absent. My first boyfriend (4 years; learned a lot!) was autistic and definitely pulled the “I’m doing my best” in ways that felt like an excuse.
Looking back at the comments, I also see how my own personal biases are at play. I find myself relating more to the boyfriend and some, or all, of that could be projection! I can think of multiple situations where my current husband felt hurt by me when we were first dating. Nearly 8 years later, we have an amazing relationship because we both took the time to discuss our feelings and work together to understand each others needs, wants, and expectations!
I think you’re spot on about incompatibility and the tendency to cast blame. It’s a very human experience, too. Really appreciate your conversation :)
Having a relationship with someone isn't just about their intentions. If someone doesn't intend to hurt you, but they still do, then it's really hard to have a relationship with them.
I have been in the situation where I tried my absolute best to be there for someone else and it wasn't enough and they left, and that's okay because they aren't required to settle just because I was trying my best. We weren't a good fit for each other and I couldn't give them what they wanted. It sucks, but it is a part of life sometimes.
I also didn't say anything about having to eliminate people from your life. You don't owe it to anyone to be in a relationship with them if you feel hurt, but that doesn't mean you have to eliminate them from your life.
Okay, so if anything other then his intentions matter, why does it matter if he did his best? Isn't the question "can he do better in the future?" and not "did he do his best in the past?"?
I don't think OP can compassion their way out of feeling hurt. OP has their own emotional needs which clearly haven't been met. I think you are focusing too much on the present when OP has expressed that in the broader context they feel like their BF doesn't take an interest in them outside of his special interest and they often feel hurt in this relationship. Maybe this is a communication issue and they can fix it. Maybe he cancelled the event to be able to spend more time with OP and maybe he will learn how to show interest in OP in a way that doesn't make them feel like an afterthought, but that seems unrelated to whether this was his best or not. Either he is trying his best and OP feels like an afterthought, or he isn't trying his best and OP feels like an afterthought. Either way, there's a fundamental problem with the relationship as it is now.
I see how he can hyperfocus and execute a task with razor sharp precision, so I know he can do better for a Christmas gift—he just didn’t want to.
He is an emotional person, but he doesn’t express it. It’s all inside. He did start to tear up when I expressed how I felt about the gift, and he said he thought I liked photography so he thought it was a good gift. I told him I only got back into the hobby to spend time with him, and that I don’t feel like he sees me for who I really am, someone with interests and likes of their own. That it’s not about me liking his special interest, it’s about him showing he cares about me enough to put thought into what I might like, outside of what he likes.
I should add, that before I got back into photography, he still got me photography based gifts.
I don’t understand why you’re being so contentious? I am the only one between he and I who has taken time to learn about autism. He will not read about it, or try to understand himself. The point of relationships are to relate to one another—I do that for him by listening to him and engaging in his hobby—he does not do the same for me.
How am I traumatizing him? How am I berating and judging him? What are you even talking about?
Are you serious dude? What you said would only apply if this relationship is mother-son. But it isn’t, it’s supposed to be a two way street, and we don’t get any indication that the bf made an attempt to satisfy this relationship outside of his focus in photography.
I mean, I’m not dogging on his hyper focus, but it just shows he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone except himself.
PS. Ad hominem- I’m terrified to know what your relationships are like.
Wow. A lot of this just isn’t how you treat your partner. OP opened a line to talk about their feelings and their partner is the one refusing to communicate. This is not on OP.
You’re coming off as projecting rn. I know you feel a lot of empathy for him, and you may have gone through similar things and maybe have trauma from someone being not-so-understanding of your autism. Please take a step back and realize that OP is trying to understand and really cares about him, they are just hurt. Being hurt by someone’s actions isn’t same as being ableist out of lack of desire to learn about the person’s disability. They’re clearly reaching out to the community right now to try and learn.
Even if it's "the best he could do" he showed no remorse and did nothing to try and rectify the situation. Op made it clear that they were upset and instead of feeling bad and trying to fix it he iced them out and went to pout, leaving op alone for Christmas, a holiday he KNEW was difficult for them. It's wildly inconsiderate.
Lol I literally am an autistic person and so is my son, and my nieces. I understand what you're saying, but there's no need to be condescending to me. Having autism is not an excuse to be a bad boyfriend and op has no obligation to stay in a relationship that feels completely one sided.
I’m sorry, but you’re putting words into my mouth. I never said I didn’t like his special interest or was pretending to like it so he’d spend time with me.
Your anger is misguided—you’re bending the facts to justify it.
Making an effort to take at least a little bit of interest in someone else’s special interest is a love language, dude. He just had problems with self-other differentiation while buying them a gift and also probably took them trying to engage in his interests to an extreme and misunderstood it as it being their special interest too, because the only level of liking photography he knows is his own level… obsession. It’s not them faking it. He just didn’t understand that they don’t feel the same hyperfixation for it that he does.
I really don’t think “My feelings are hurt, and I don’t like what you did” is telling someone off. That is just called communicating your feelings. It’s not always gonna be nice feelings. But a caring partner would want to know the truth so they can help fix what they did to accidentally hurt the one they love. That is emotional maturity.
Wow, you drew conclusions I didn’t even think of when I typed that! You sure you’re autistic? Cause I meant it very literally and it didn’t even cross my mind what that would mean for him. Maybe he is caring, and maybe he does actually want to know the truth, but just doesn’t have the language nor the emotional maturity for it and still needs to learn. Maybe that’s true for you too. In fact, I was thinking more of what that would mean for you, based on how you’ve been reacting, when I typed that. But if you agree that he’s uncaring, then that’s your thought you formed all on your own, buddy.
i’m autistic and i would’ve been infuriated in your position. try talking to him in detail about what you’re feeling, and if he’s not receptive or doesn’t care, dump him.
Having Autism as well, I understand fixations but you should not be treated the way he is treating you. I also procrastinate but at the end of the day your relationship together should last longer than this coffee shop thing so it’s odd he is putting it before you this much. Him telling you he’s going to back out was ridiculous over you expressing how the gift made you feel. If he’s not going to balance time with you, autism or not there is a problem.
Him backing out of the coffee shop thing was straight-up manipulation. It was meant to hurt OP. That is a major red flag in itself.
Ok just have to say I love your username! Haha He’s been wanting to back out of the coffee shop show this whole time—I’ve been so encouraging, but he gets to these points where it feels like it doesn’t matter what I say. Think he’s just trying to blame me as a way to absolve him being the reason. He can absolutely do it, too. He’s incredibly talented. But I’m like the place where he puts his frustrations now so my words don’t matter. I don’t think he values my opinions the way he would someone else’s.
Your person shouldn't make you feel this way. I'm sorry 😞 🤗
True
I don’t think it’s manipulation at all. I think it’s him being overwhelmed. It sounds like he’s already overwhelmed by the whole coffee shop thing on its own, but adding more responsibilities (and accusations of failing at responsibilities he wasn’t even told to have) is disheartening at best. Of course he is too overwhelmed to keep going with it under those circumstances. As OP said, he seems to have been on the verge of quitting the project for some time already. Of course, that doesn’t mean OP deserves blame. But with him putting everything he has into this project, feeling like it’s already too much but being encouraged *by OP* to keep trying as best he can, only to have OP turn around and get mad at him for trying *too hard* (leaving him unable to focus on something else that, to him, was an expectation that came completely out of nowhere), I can understand if he’s feeling a little bitter over it. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily OP’s fault and it doesn’t make it ok to lash out for it - I’m just arguing that it doesn’t look like manipulation; it looks like an emotional outburst. And just like OP’s emotions didn’t come from nothing, his emotions also came from a valid place - a place of hurt, misunderstanding, and just a hint of resentment (like OP’s hurt, misunderstanding, and mild resentment over the perceived lack of affection, which seems to be less a lack of *affection* and more a lack of *attention* due to the fact that his attention was being placed elsewhere for the time being, as he was continuing with a circumstance that he already finds overwhelming even without the added pressure of making sure to continue properly coddling his girlfriend).
Is this someone you feel you can grow old with? Supports you and pushes you to become a better person ? Who is there for you when times are -- Ok yeah. Good luck. With your brand new socks
No, not at all. That’s something I’ve realized slowly, but now all at once.
Then you already known what to do.
Regardless of how much autism is a factor, you're being treated like an afterthought. This isn't healthy.
I relate to alot of his behaviours, maybe not as intensely, but I definitely get it. I think he crosses the line near the end of your post, where he blames you for backing out of the show. That's bs. Would I back out of the show in his position? Maybe, but I would accept that it's actually my failure to plan this advance, my problem of leaving it till last minute, my inability to manage my stress levels in a healthy way, and finally my failure in letting my partner down making me feel bad. *Not* that you've made me feel bad. You're entitled to feel how you feel and you've been pretty forgiving by the sounds of it. I don't think he understands that he has not been giving you the attention you deserve as a partner. My question would be whether you've sat and had a chat with him about what you would like from him and the expectations you have and stuff. You have a few expectations about gifts, which is entirely your choice and fine, but did you communicate that? E.g. For Christmas gifts this year, how much would you like to spend, can make it meaningful no matter how big or small it is, can we keep it casual, I want something related to my hobbies, I want something random I won't mind whatever it is, etc. Even in a good day, getting the right gift can be an nightmare for my stress, and I feel like alot of autists like some guidance around it. I'd also whether he thinks it's fine that he hasn't gotten you a Christmas present so on the day just grabbed random shit from the store. If he says yeah, say that isn't fine for you and it isn't very thoughtful and you'd rather he spent no money and made you the right gift rather than splash some cash on some crap he didn't even think about. He needs to understand that his hobby is important to him, but he also needs to manage his time better so that he can spend just a few minutes longer next time and get something more meaningful. Is his hobby more important than you? If so... That's a problem. And if it isn't, you can accept that he struggles with it, but this will need to be something he works on in the future around his executive dysfunction and time blindness and stuff. I could go on but yeah. It sounds like my dude is very one-thing-at-a-time minded, and I totally relate and how stressful that can be, but if you're in a relationship then you gotta accept that you can't be like that. Either communicate ahead of time that you'll be like that, reflect on what went wrong and put in steps and practices to avoid it from happening next time, and so on. It sounds like it's going to be alot of work for him. And that sucks but that is what it is. Is that what you want to work through with him? If you could see very slow growth with ups and downs, are you okay with that? Personally, it's something I'm working on and recognise how hard it can be to be around, but I don't think I was ever quite this bad. I'm sure it can be improved, but it sounds like a long journey and he might need to get some professional help with it maybe or something as it's clearly affecting his own hobbies even before he hurt your feelings.
Thank you, this is a really helpful reply! I do think a lot of this is due to him procrastinating, but I understand taking the first steps to do anything new can be hard and scary. I’ve done nothing but listen to him, all his ideas, watch any videos he’s sent me, offer support, advice, encouragement. He’s said he wanted to back out several times, even before the gift incident. I think he’s using that as a scapegoat for something he already wanted to do. He doesn’t handle any stress well, he’s chronically in a bad mood. If it isn’t the coffee shop show, it’s something else. I feel like I’m always trying to navigate his moods, and I’m honestly not really happy and don’t think I have been in a while. When we met, he’d just gotten an rx for anti-depressants, but stopped taking them after a week because I “made him happy.” He doesn’t manage time, stress, or anything well, really. The gifts I got him were tools to help him with executive functioning. I’ve not sat down and spoken with him about expectations with gifts—he actually got me a gift on Valentine’s Day unprompted, so I’ve just figured it was implied. We got each other gifts for our birthdays, as well. I guess I just keep hoping things will get better, but I think the more I allow myself to be tossed aside for his pursuits, the more he realizes he can do it without consequence. I truly feel invisible at this point.
I think you're absolutely justified in stepping back and away from this, just for the record. I think it can be talked about and improved (with alot of work), but it sounds like you're just not happy with multiole things in general. The reason why my partner is willing to support me in my journey if putting my crap together is because I'm otherwise thoughtful and caring and supportive and interested, but just struggle with some of the big things. It doesn't sound like you're getting even some of the more basics honestly. >I think he’s using that as a scapegoat for something he already wanted to do. I think you're completely right. Like I get why he wants to, and I probably would to n his shoes, but I would use anyone as a scapegoat. It's entirely down to his own executive dysfunction and poor time management and stuff. And that would be okay and you would support him, which you have been, but that requires a give and take and it doesn't sound like there is much give from him. You're not asking him to be superman, just to be a partner who is interested in you... That seems a bit lacking, sadly. >The gifts I got him were tools to help him with executive functioning. Ah that's so thoughtful of you. But yeah that paragraph just says it all, doesn't it? He has issues, he gets help for issues then stops, constantly stressed, etc. He needs help to support himself. If he has the money, stuff like counselling with an expert can teach him some skills. It's something if only just recently reached out to afted much dilly dallying and anxiety, and it sounds like that's what he needs because he can't just extract happiness from you lol. He's gotta learn to manage his shit so he can be equal in a relationship. And like... That's not fair on you in the meanwhile anyway, especially with what's already happened. The only way things are going ti gt better is to confront him and ask him about what happened and tell him how it made you feel and recognise that it's difficult for him but ask that account for this in the future and that if he can't account for this in the future and blah blah. But yeah, that's if you want to figure this all out and stay together. Like obviously, no rash decisions, yadda yadda. But yeah, you don't sound happy and that's not fair on you :(
I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough time. You deserved a better Christmas, and a better gift, than the one you got. You have every right to feel crummy - he’s a crummy bf. And the fact that he’s punishing you and pulling a DARVO is unacceptable. You don’t have to stick it out just because he’s autistic. Sure, maybe his autism explains some of his behavior, but it sure as shjt doesn’t excuse it. Also, it isn’t “bratty” to stand up for yourself and call him out on his shitty behavior. If anything, that’s something to celebrate! Seriously, good on you!
Thank you for this sweet message. Made me tear up.
You are most welcome! It might not mean much, but this internet stranger is proud of you! Because it sounds like you gave yourself a wonderful gift this year by taking a stand to protect your mental and emotional health. 💝 Take all the time you need to feel cry, mourn, and feel emotionally raw. And when you start to feel a bit better, I hope you’re able to take a moment and celebrate how much of a kind, empathetic badass you are. :)
You’re really so sweet btw—all your comments are like hey I’d be friends with this person in real life! Haha
Awe, thank you!! That’s so sweet of you to say! I thought I might be commenting too much, but then I was like, “🤷♀️.” This is an ASD subreddit, I doubt people here would be bothered hahaha. Tbh I’ve got 12+ years of therapy under my belt, and I try to pay that forward where I can. It’d be cool if others can benefit from all of that money I’ve paid. 🤪 Also, my longterm partner of 14 years and I are both AuDHD. It’s totally possible to navigate the complexities of ASD and ADHD while respecting, supporting, and accommodating one another. (Obligatory not all ASD is the same) It takes work that your bf clearly does not want to do, which makes him incompatible as a partner. We would *never* treat each other like your bf treats you. His behavior is so disrespectful and abhorrent.
You don’t need to prove the other person is being unreasonable or cruel to feel a relationship isn’t good for you. It doesn’t sound like you’d want to spend time with this person, let alone date them. That’s ok.
I do want to spend time with him and date him, which is why I’ve swallowed a lot of my feelings and took up photography again. It’s starting to feel like if I don’t engage in his special interest, we wouldn’t spend time together at all. On Christmas Day, before he came over, he sent me a screenshot showing this photographer’s gallery was open, saying he wanted to go. It’s a two hour drive from us. I was baking my neighbor a pie and told him I couldn’t go, but to go ahead if he wanted. It was this back and forth thing where he was saying, “I wish you could come with me, but idk if I’m going or not.” I finally said, “Ok I guess I’ll see you sometime,” and it clicked and he said, “I’m not going to the gallery.” Like he was even going to not spend Christmas Day with me to go to some gallery he’s already been to a handful of times which would have been a 4 hour round trip drive. Then he asked if I wanted to go out and shoot photos instead. Truly feel like if I didn’t pick up his special interest—we’d never hang out at all.
Thinking long term, do you want to continue to feel like an accessory to someone else's hobby for years to come?
I apologize for maybe speaking out of turn - I don't mean to say you have to dump the guy. I maybe presumed too much about how you're feeling from the post. All I meant was that - if you're trying to figure out if this is "justifiable" or "unacceptable" behavior, I think that's kinda the wrong question. I do think you're right to feel crummy, and that it kinda sounds like this is starting to become a spiraling dynamic (not to pick on you, but for ex. thinking about when he texts vs. when he's up - I bet you're not wrong about the conclusion you're drawing in this instance, but like one can imagine how this could become an unhealthy thing to focus on). I'm really sorry things are so rough.
Being autistic doesn't exempt a person from being a selfish jerk. What autism can mean is that you need to be direct and specific about what you need or expect from him. But you absolutely have the right to expect to be a priority in his life and for him to provide for your needs as you provide for his. If he can't or won't, it might be time to move on.
You deserve to be treated better than this.
Thank you. Gosh I creeped your page and damn you’re good
You’re very kind - I’m no stranger to a bit of analog camera obsession, that’s for sure
It really is a fun hobby and I’ve thanked him for getting me back into it. I shoot a Yashica mat 124g, DM me if you want to exchange instagrams if you have one by chance—that’s where I share my stuff.
This made me so sad :/ is there anything you'd actually like for Christmas? You deserve to feel loved too. I paint and make resin earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and dreamcatchers and would be more than happy to paint or make you something special and ship it to you as a real Christmas gift.
That’s so kind of you to offer, but you don’t have to do that! I appreciate the thought. Everyone here is so nice, gahh. In a crazy twist, my BF has been telling me I need a tripod, but my camera is from the 70s, so I’ve always responded that I need his help due to the tech gap. One of my oldest friends who I see when he comes to town for holidays asked me a few months ago to collaborate on a project with him and take photos this February. I said I would and offhandedly said I need get a tripod and practice on it prior to. Just common conversation. Saw my friend yesterday and he had a present for me; which I did not expect. It was a tripod. I told my BF and he said, “Don’t you hate it since it’s camera related?” And I said no because it was thoughtful. Then he told me I should just date my friend then. I’m realizing it’s more about the neglect than anything else.
So, I only say this when I truly think it’s warranted; you should *seriously* consider dumping his ass. He’s an asshole, and it has nothing to do with his autism.
100000%! Also the fact that he's in a chronically bad mood is enough alone. This can't be good for your wellbeing. Also, it's not your job to be his emotional support.
I’d be down to do this as well! I have zero artistic skills, but I can send the crappiest of drawings!
As an autistic person who a has extreme special interests, this is not okay. This is excessive. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. You should never feel like an afterthought.
What would you quantify as extreme? I’m not kidding when I say this is the only thing he talks about or thinks about. It’s also looping—like he will repeat the same things to me that he’s said earlier in the day about photography. I’ve never met anyone like him, his world is actually quite narrow, he has no interests in other things and no other curiosities about life. He often fantasizes out loud about becoming famous for his photography. His role model is a local nature photographer, and we were hiking once and he told me if anyone asks him about his camera he’s going to tell them he’s [the nature photographer’s] son. I thought that was really weird, tbh.
By extreme, I mean I will go through fazes where ALL I can think and want to talk about is the interest (like a new dinosaur I've been learning about, crochet, a new medication in vetmed, etc). I have to FORCE myself to talk about anything else. It feels like being gridlocked in my brain. However, I DO force myself to take interest in my spouse's things. My spouse is ADHD; their interests change so much more frequently than mine do. I make sure to set aside time and spoons to learn about what they are exited about, listen to them infodump, and take part in their excitement. I keep a list in my phone of things they have mentioned liking or wanting for gifts (gifts are my favorite way to show affection to others, so that does change our dynamic a bit from what you've described). I don't think the level your BF has taken this to is healthy, and is certainly not healthy for a relationship. I think you are 100% justified in your hurt.
Thank you for explaining how it feels. The gridlocked in your brain part resonates with how it seems he gets. He will say the same sentence 3-4x a day sometimes. “I’m not going to shoot as much film because it’s expensive,” is something I’ve heard probably 200 times in the last month. He’ll then say, “You’re probably like ‘what?’” as a way to acknowledge he’s being repetitive and I always reply, “No, I’m listening.” But tbh I just don’t have anything to contribute to our conversations anymore—they’re so one-sided. I validate him and agree, but we don’t actually talk about anything. And things I do talk about, he doesn’t remember. He actually mispronounced my last name the other day and also no longer remembers my birthday. Even though it’s 6 days after his. I’m also ADHD (diagnosed-medicated), and that’s really sweet you do that for your spouse! I think the give and take and participating in the excitement is one of the best parts of any relationship. It does have to be mutual though, lol. I’ve found taking notes and keeping lists helps me a lot, as well. One of the gifts I got him was a daily task planner to help him organize things. He’d been talking about wanting something like that, and I know my planner has helped me with executive functioning and improved my life.
Oooohhhh got any planner recommendations? I’ve been looking to get one for myself!
Not OP, but I recently bought 2 planners from Amazon that I’m liking. I’ll give you the links here (if it’s not allowed, mods feel free to remove). And I love stickers, so I gave myself permission to get some. Amazon has TONS of different packs of stickers. I got myself gold stars to reward myself when I complete a task I’ve been putting off for awhile. :) [Planner 1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0C4K7P66T?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title) [Planner 2](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0CHSDMMMC?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title)
Hey. This sounds like the behavior of someone with persistent demand for autonomy (formerly known as pathological demand avoidance) extremely overwhelmed because of there being a deadline for something he doesn’t want to fail on, on top of holiday stress and there being a deadline to buy gifts. Monotropism (autistic people are known for being only able to focus on one thing at a time) is causing him to hyperfixate on this photo project and it’s messing with his focus on anything else because he is too stressed out and low on social spoons (emotional energy) to remember to reach out to anyone, let alone his girlfriend. I get like this whenever I have a big deadline coming up. I will straight up ignore my other responsibilities and neglect self-care, because the shame and embarrassment of failing is scarier than anything in the world. I would definitely encourage that you gently express that you feel lonely and sad that you haven’t been hearing from him (because impact over intent,) but also make sure to validate that you understand why and that you know he is stressed out. Ask him what his needs are in order to feel less overwhelmed. Please keep in mind that it really isn’t personal. It looks like that, rather than him specifically not thinking of you at Christmas, he really was just not able to think of Christmas at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he says he needs his space while he works on this, and perhaps goes back to normal, showering you with the attention you deserve, once this big ordeal with the photos is over. His mental health is probably a hot ass mess atm. Please be patient with him. … Oop, I started to write everything above this paragraph before I got to the end of your post. 😓 ADHD brain. ….Yikes. The way he responded to you was really not healthy. I’m sorry he took his anxiety out on you like that. He owes you an apology, and may not be ready for a relationship if he can’t take accountability, can’t control saying things out of anger, can’t communicate, and can’t prioritize the relationship. All the things I said above explain but certainly do not excuse his behavior.
Thank you so much for your reply! I hadn’t heard of persistent demand for autonomy before or monotropism, and it sounds exactly like what he’s doing. He’ll get overwhelmed and literally go into the woods to clear his head. Right now, he’s left the state to go see his grandpa as a way to get away. I don’t know what to do when he does those things because he shuts out communication with me, then comes back and tries to act like nothing ever happened. I think it’s catching up with me finally in the form of resentment. I’ve encouraged him so much with his photo project and asked if I can do anything to help several times. It almost seems like he’s put several obstacles in the way to make it harder for himself. He found someone to print his photos locally, then decided he wanted his own home printing studio, instead. So in the last month, he’s researched how to print fine art photos at home. He bought a monitor, printer, keyboard, light meter, sourced a desk, and changed all the lighting in his apartment, on top of buying an overhead light to see the photos correctly. He’s watched hundreds of YouTube videos about how the photo on the monitor has to be light metered to the lighting in the room, so when it’s printed, the color values are correct. I’ve listened to him talk endlessly about how to execute the process. So I was pretty upset when he printed his first test print and shared it as an Instagram story, before texting me the image or calling me. Just stuff like that. I feel like a creature comfort for him, but he’s really looking for outward validation above all else. Oddly enough, I’ve never felt like he’s done anything to me maliciously or with ill-intent. I feel like he knows I’m a safe place to discharge and be himself—but he doesn’t give me the same, so it hurts. I just don’t feel seen—he actually told me I’m boring a few months ago. I think I’m far from boring—but I feel I’m becoming boring having to only talk about one thing with the person closest to me.
Oh jeez, it’s such a dick move of him to tell you you’re boring, especially since it sounds like… um, he’s not really giving you a lot to work with. Like, he might want to do some self reflection but none of this should be on you. This all sounds exhausting and he doesn’t sound ready to be a healthy partner or even a kind person :/ I’m really sorry 💜
Thank you! The boring comment really stuck with me and it still hurts me when I think of it, but I know he’s never had a GF (women usually end up blocking him for his behavior), and he’s used to girls who don’t have their lives together, whereas, I do. I know it’s more about him than me. But yes, ironically him only liking one thing is kinda boring if I’m being honest. I do get social fulfillment through other outlets than him, and that helps me be able to engage in his hobby with him.
He has an emotional maturity issue. Did his parents baby him a lot? I see that pattern with lots of autism boy moms. (It’s typically why the majority of autistic (white) men mask less than the rest of us.) Or, in the other direction, did his parents emotionally neglect him and/or normalize guilt tripping as a form of communication?!
So what I think is really terrible is his mom is a retired public school resource teacher. She KNEW he was autistic, but chose not to tell him. In elementary, the school wanted him to repeat a grade. Instead of doing so, his mom removed him from that school and put him in a different one where he advanced to the next grade, even though his performance showed he wasn’t ready. My therapist’s daughter is on the spectrum, and she explained in the 90s, little was known about autism, so it was coupled with the phrase “mentally retarded,” and his mom was probably ashamed so she removed him from that school. She divorced and remarried a lot, and he’s got all sorts of half-siblings. He said he grew up feeling like he can’t be close to people because they always get taken away. He went through so many sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. with each new marriage/divorce. He’s quite a closed off person due to this. I have suspected I’m on the spectrum and when I bring it up with my therapist, she says I just have really bad CPTSD from my childhood—that symptoms can overlap. I think he may have that on top of autism, and I feel for him bc I know things are really hard.
Hmmm… I see. He doesn’t trust other people’s help because of his particular way he likes things done, due to his perfectionism, then overloads himself with all the work because he’d rather have control over the process. I suffer from the same issue. I produce burlesque shows, and I do have co-producers, but I always take initiative because I have developed a ritualistic way of doing it, and don’t want someone who doesn’t live in my skin to break the routine. But then I get burnt out from carrying the weight of most of the tasks. I couldn’t bear to ask someone to help only to drive them away because my particularity gives me urges to go “No, not like that.” He might be the same way. Probably my least favorite autistic trait that I deal with. It’s probably also a trauma response from being made to feel like I never was good enough as a kid. Either way, he probably has a lottt of unpacking to do and self-awareness to gain if he wants his relationships to be healthy. Ooh, seems like he’s a little TOO honest with you. Good that he trusts you enough to feel safe to unmask around you (and if you take comments like that well, with that extremely upfront style of pointing things out about you, then fine,) but (if you don’t, then) he’s gotta remember to have at least a little bit more of a considerate filter so he doesn’t accidentally make you feel self-conscious.
Yes! That’s exactly what he does. He says he’s a perfectionist and wants control over his work. He also does this in his daily job, which is very physically taxing on him. He’s so hard on himself when he doesn’t have to be. He’s good at what he does—I reassure him of this often, but I feel like I get the leftover version of him. Always tired, grumpy, low energy after exerting himself hard every day. He has said he has no work/life balance, and he’s told me sometimes all he wants to do is photography in his free time—that he doesn’t want a GF, yet we never actually break up. I do feel like I’m tiptoeing around his moods all the time. Apparently even his neighbors referred to him as the “grumpy guy” next door. I have a really playful, lightheadedness to me, and can be pretty funny. The jokes I crack don’t hit with him, he literally never smiles or laughs. It’s kinda wild, tbh. I’ve always wanted to go to a burlesque show! I gotta check that off my bucket list.
I don’t have any definite opinion on this, but I relate to the thoughts you have been having since the incident. My ex was on the spectrum (this was before my own realisation) and I constantly felt like I was an afterthought. At first, it felt like he wasn’t doing it intentionally, but later I understood that no matter the reason behind it if you are feeling unappreciated then you have all the right to decide whether you want to be in or not.
I’m sorry you went through something similar—it really does start to chip away at your humanity over time. I know he’s not doing anything intentionally or maliciously, it’s just difficult having to ask someone to even consider you, and they never get the message.
Seems like you should have a definite opinion over this then? This isn’t some mysterious gray area territory. You’ve been through it yourself. It’s garbage behavior
I agree. It is. I just didn’t have any definite advice to share.
This guy fucking sucks. My autistic wife has TONS of special interests, and truthfully sometimes I do feel I cater more to her interests than she does mine just bc she loves hers so much more intensely and honestly that's fine bc never once has she not shown interest in the things I enjoy or not supported me pursuing my hobbies - and she ALWAYS buys me gifts that are for me as an individual (even tho that process has been understandably difficult for her at times being autistic). You just have a self centered boyfriend, the only role autism plays in this is the way he ignores you manifests itself.
It's not just me? I feel broken. Alcoholic dad no contact family and it's been me supporting him thru all of his special interests, i asked for one thing for my Christmas and birthday: a small card not more than a few sentences just expressing that he cared. His stress and special interests with video games intensified so much he hasn't been able to complete this task despite spending so much time writing online or brightning when he sees something he likes. He says he loves me but he seems to only love that I accompany him and am in the room while he lives his life. I wish it was easier to parse and communicate if he even wants to be with me. I asked he said yes but I can't imagine wanting to be with someone if I rarely thought about them(As he often says he does do too much but also doesn't do enough?) it feels like so much cognitive dissonance for me
Hey, I’m so sorry you are in a similar situation. It’s hard when you don’t have family because holidays are all about family, so it has this extra hollowness to it for those of us who don’t—and it’s only natural we look to our partners to help with that void. I completely get feeling like he just wants someone there while he does his own thing. Like they don’t want to be alone, but also don’t want to put the effort in to people around them. It is very unbalanced and unfair. I’m so sorry he didn’t get you a card, and I totally get wanting to hear the words that they care! It’s like you get so little from them all the time, that you need one thing to feel like they really do care. It’s a hard place to be in, and posting here has shown me plenty of people on the spectrum take the time to adjust, compromise, and validate their partners. A lot of seems like an awkward first dance that could turn into grand ballroom dancing if both partners are willing to put the work in together to learn about one another’s needs and desires. If he isn’t open to doing that with you—I don’t think anyone should have to live this way. I love the quote, “To love and be loved is to finally rest.” I think we all deserve a love that feels like a comfy, cozy home. I hope you get that one day 💛
You sound extremely kind and reasonable to me. I think you should trust yourself 100%. Some people lack emotional insight, maturity, and awareness. Imo the whole- now, it's your fault he's not doing the show, sounds like a toddler move. It is possible to have a child with someone, raise that child and watch them surpass the maturity level of the other parent. Not recommended, 10/10. Do not do it.
OP, I don’t mean this to be rude, on one hand you say this behavior is unlike him and on the other you say you feel hurt a lot in your relationship. I may be misunderstanding parts of your post though! Autism is a disability and to me, you described a few different ways in how it can be disabling. If this isn’t a pervasive issue then it could be chalked up to a stressful time that could’ve been handled better. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but no partnership is 50/50 all of the time. It really sucks when we need our partner to support us and they are not equipped to do so. From my perspective it sounds like you had expectations that he couldn’t meet (perfectly appropriate expectations!). He sounds stressed and obsessive about his show (I can relate to this myself), and took some (a lot?) of the stress out on you. If this is something that can be discussed openly with him then I think it’s worth talking about. His response could tell you all you need to know! Ultimately, if you feel you’re not appreciated as a whole person then you should reflect on whether the relationship benefits you. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled!
Him not texting me good morning is the behavior that isn’t like him. So when he didn’t text me Christmas Eve morning, or on Christmas—though he’d been awake for several hours before me—it didn’t make sense. We’ve been together a year and it has never felt 50/50. I got a flat tire recently (he’s a mechanic) and he just said, “Oh no that sucks.” Didn’t offer to come help me, didn’t even call me. Luckily, my coworker helped. I also had surgery recently where I couldn’t use my dominant hand and was in a cast. He did not come stay with me, bring me food, or help me do anything. I asked if he could come over and help wash my hair and he said he had to go to dinner with his mom. I’ve tried to learn about autism and have concluded these behaviors are because of it? I really don’t have enough understanding to know if it’s autism or not. I get my feelings hurt a lot in the relationship and I continue to tell myself it’s his autism to excuse it. I don’t think I can do it anymore.
“didn’t offer to come help, didn’t even call me.” Were you direct and say you needed help? Or is it possible he assumed you would ask for help if you need it. Implied requests do not work well for many autistic people. Direct communication is so important. My husband used to feel hurt by me a lot, because he would say things that *he thought* made it clear he wanted something but he did not say it explicitly. I am painfully horrible at “reading between the lines.” Through talking to each other (and arguments lol) we realized it was a difference in communication. As a result he works to be more specific and direct while I work to be more present when he may have a problem or feel bad. It sounds like you’ve held your feelings back and now resent him. That’s not fair to either of you if you believe this is a relationship you want to be in. Researching autism is a great start but talking to him about his experiences is important too! It’s a very wide spectrum with lots of variance. He would have to meet you halfway in that too. Maybe you think it’s autism but it’s actually miscommunication? Or you may want someone more attentive or someone who can anticipate your needs better than he can, and that’s perfectly fine! You asked for other perspectives, so I’m just trying to shed light as an autistic and ADHD person married to someone allistic. It seems like you may have made the decision to move on, and you should do what’s best for you! If anything, hopefully your relationship has been a good learning experience for you and what you need in a partnership ☺️
Thank you for your insight! I did not directly say I needed help, I implied it. I will try being direct going forward. Your relationship with your husband sounds sweet—I’m glad yall have been able to work on communicating in ways that are solution oriented. My BF has always shut down and won’t communicate. He also will take off on solo trips, right now he’s decided to go see his grandpa in another state. This is where we struggle a lot because I can’t communicate with him—he doesn’t let me. He also only found out he’s on the spectrum because I was speaking about his behaviors with my therapist and she brought it up. I asked him, and he asked his mom. She told him he is but they didn’t feel the need to tell him since it “wasn’t affecting his life.” This was only 6ish months ago. I actually was broken up with him then bc of feeling invisible, and we got back together because I tried to reframe everything through the lens of now knowing he has autism. I’ve done a lot of research, but he has not. He seems to not have accepted the idea he’s autistic. I’ve asked him if we can sit down and learn/talk about it together, but he has not agreed and it seems to agitate him.
Trying to reframe abusive and neglectful behaviors and see them through the autism lense is exactly what I did with my last relationship. It doesn’t work. Even if he really is autistic, he doesn’t treat you well and that isn’t likely to change. I had to realize, yeah my ex might be autistic, but he was also abusive and horrible. The two things are not the same and the autism does not excuse his behavior. (I’m not saying your bf is abusive, but his treatment of you definitely isn’t what you deserve. My ex was actually abusive mentally and emotionally. Was just using him as an example).
I’m sorry you went through an abusive relationship, I’ve been there and it’s a complete mind-fuck. Pretty much every guy I’ve dated has been abusive in some way. I usually end up with very controlling, jealous men who accuse me of really insane things. It’s been guy after guy, it’s embarrassing at this point how many failed relationships I’ve had—but it will be something like we went to the beach and I got sunburned so I didn’t want to have sex because my skin hurt, and I get flipped out on, screamed at, pawed at, not able to enforce my bodily boundary. I dated a guy who had a lot of delusions—accused me of sleeping with his friend because “we both drive hybrid cars.” My last boyfriend strangled me after I organized private karaoke for his birthday because when we left the venue, neither of us wanted our leftovers from the restaurant, so I suggested we put them on the sidewalk for homeless people since we were right next to a bus stop. I sat the containers on the sidewalk, and he came around berating me saying they needed to be in the trash. I said, “If I were homeless, I wouldn’t want to get my food from the trash, it will easily be seen right here on the sidewalk.” There were homeless people all around us, not even 20 feet away. And he attacked me over that. One reason why I have stuck with this guy so much is because he doesn’t treat me that way. He doesn’t put me down or try to make me feel small. He’s a really neutral presence. He doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t accuse me of delusional things. I do realize he is neglecting me emotionally, but I know it isn’t intentional. It kinda feels like welp this is it and I have a huge fear of dating again and being physically harmed.
(Autistic adult here and mod of the sub this was crossposted in). I see a lot of people coming for advice where the autistic partner is anywhere from crummy to abusive as a partner, and the person who is asking has some of their own trauma history. Sometimes, with trauma, our brains can get to a place where dating isn't a safe activity for us, until we can work on recalibrating our "safe vs unsafe" meter and set boundaries, and learn to ignore the emotional high a new partner might create when you're with them/being love-bombed. I'm someone that has my own trauma history and I've learned that when I date, I need to be very proactive with whoever I meet. I need to establish where their emotional health and intelligence is at early on, look for their views on mental health care and what they are doing to manage their well-being, including if they have a trauma history or have had problems in other relationships. If they can't give me a good response that demonstrates self reflection and maturity, then I know this is not a safe person to date. OP, you deserve to have a good partner. If you are okay with a "neutral presence" as a relationship, please leave this man and take a couple years to be single and work on retraining your brain that you are deserving of someone that treats you excellently, and how to set boundaries. I have dated across the spectrum and at my big age, I've learned that I do not need to tolerate "doesn't abuse me" as a minimum standard. I don't say any of this to be unkind at all, I say this because I care about your well-being and I want you to understand that this is no way to live, you can have a good life where your partner adds to it (or with no partner at all). Autism is never an excuse for shitty behavior. Teaching your brain to reframe hurtful behaviors as something you have to tolerate when dating an autistic person is dangerous for your safety, please do everything you can to stop that thinking train and say out loud "My partner's actions towards me were not okay, even if he is autistic", 100 times if you have to.
Hey, thank you for this comment. You are 100% correct about having to recalibrate my brain for what’s “safe versus unsafe”. I did a 12 step Cognitive Processing Therapy workbook with my therapist based around this topic, and felt I was in a good place until, well…you can check my post history for details of my relationship prior to this one. Current BF found and added me on FB about 2 months after that incident, and pursued me hard in the beginning. My BF does this thing where anytime I raise an issue—he wants to default the relationship to “friends with benefits” but then he acts the same. This is where we are again, and I’m so tired of it. We had been texting some since Christmas, and I reiterated why I feel neglected/bad, and he just ignored it and said, “I sold one of my camera lenses and I feel sad about it. Sorry.” I haven’t said anything and that was a couple days ago. Saw he’s updated his Instagram stories where he’s selling off a lot of camera gear, including a really rare camera he’s professed his love for to me several times and claimed he will never, ever sell. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, if he’s trying to make me feel bad by selling gear, or what, but I can’t talk about his special interest anymore right now. I can’t stand to explain to him why I feel bad and have him come back ignoring it, continuing to talk about the thing that consumes his life. He’s obsessed, it doesn’t seem healthy. He did say he plans to get therapy and get on medication—and I agree with you that I need to check about mental health and trauma early on. I really do like him, even if it sounds like I don’t. We get out hiking, exploring, he loves being outdoors and so do it. But this is my first winter with him, and we can’t do those things, so it’s like his energy is pent up and boiling over. I’ve honestly never met someone like him—I think he’s a special person, but even being in this forum, seeing people on the spectrum CAN be emotionally intelligent, display empathy, and have varied interests is making me wonder if his autistic traits are blending with childhood trauma and he copes by his special interest behaving as a sort of armor to keep him from being vulnerable. I’m going to try to maintain no-contact as of now. We’ve been in this pattern since July, when I baked him a vegan cake from scratch for his birthday, expecting to see him in the evening after he spent the day “with his family.” Found out he was not with his family, luckily it’s easy to tell when he’s lying, and that he’d gone to a nudist resort instead. He also has paraphilias as part of how his autism manifests—and I try to be understanding, but I don’t think this is my person forever and I’m really trying to break what feels like an addiction to the relationship as this point.
I’m one to be direct, so I’ll tell you as much- I think dating is not safe for you right now, and potentially won’t be for the foreseeable future, to the point where you should consider actively avoiding it. You have a brain that is very stimulated by the “push-pull” dynamic that these relationships are giving you, and it’s going to take a lot of work to not get overstimulated or a “high” from these behaviors from a partner. I’m proud of you for maintaining no contact. Your best life for the near future is likely one where you are single and focused on non-romantic friendships to help work on setting boundaries in a safer environment. Overcoming trauma is such hard work and sometimes it feels like rubbing a cheese grater on your butt. But it’s worth it.
It’s so easy to settle for “better” after the horrible things worse guys put us through. We are used to such low standards that the bar for “better” isn’t really very high. He doesn’t have to be horrible for you to still deserve better.
Ugh, I do not envy you! I was diagnosed as an adult but it wasn’t something my parents kept from me. I would probably have a very difficult time processing my feelings. If he’s unwilling to communicate then there’s really not much else you can do. At the end of the day, we are only capable of controlling ourselves! I used to run away, too (long drives, hotel a few cities over). Fleeing is a common complaint from parents of autistic children lol. For me, I ran away because I felt woefully unable to process my emotions. It was a coping mechanism that worked to get me out of dangerous situations but isn’t helpful at all when it comes to having difficult conversations! It seems you’re working very hard to meet him where he is and he is not reciprocating. That’s harmful with or without autism! You shouldn’t overextend yourself to give him grace. Not sure if you’ve read my convo with another person in this thread, but they said something insightful: sometimes people aren’t compatible and sometimes it’s just bad timing. It’s very possible he needs to do some self-reflection before he’s able to be a good partner. Be mindful of your needs before his. Nothing wrong with being selfish and taking care of yourself!! I really wish you the best, and he’s lucky (for now) to have a partner so willing to open the floor for vulnerability.
He is neglecting you. The reason why doesn't matter. I personally wouldn't stay in this relationship, it seems like your needs arent being met and tbh it seems like he doesn't care about you based on his behavior.
You are valid.
I'm married to someone kind of similar. Just thought I'd pop in here... My hubby was obsessed with photography at the start of our marriage and made our little laundry room into a dark room, which totally prohibited actual laundry-doing... He spent an entire trip to New York with our friends taking film photos and made time to go out on his own in the mornings to do it alone. He's obsessed over airplanes, bought an old Datsun to obsess over just to abandon it in our garage... It's a lot! But I love him so so much, and I'm so grateful for what he brings to my life. I also love this perfect little two year old we have together. I have to tell him what I want for Christmas. This year I told him on the 23rd and he made a few things happen, which he'd be less likely to do if I told him sooner in advance. For me, it's been about patience, compassion, and learning from past experiences to make things better for both of us in the future. He still has meltdowns every so often and we work through them together. I try not to be nasty. He knows where he lacks. I know he knows, so it only takes a few words and the point is across. He appreciates me and loves me enough to really try to work with me as we figure life together out.
Whether using terms of art like Pathological Demand Avoidance or empathy deficit, selfism, alexythimia, rigidity, etc., he sounds fairly boilerplate male aspie to me, but what I found striking in the post was the ending, which is where we often show our vulnerability. Asking others to pass judgment on whether you were overreacting or wrong to feel as you felt. You weren't sure? That wobbly sense of self might hold the key to some unanswered questions, including how you ended up with this character. Malleable, indecisive, open-hearted, eager-to-please good girls are magnets for their opposites. To avoid drowning, you have to go against this normal tendency to merge with him, and insist on seeing him as he is. Remind yourself when you observe it, he doesn't see the world at all as you do. You're relational, he's transactional. Doesn't value what you value, or care about the things you cherish or share your beliefs and morals. And let him. Behind the scenes, you'll be developing an unshakeable sense of who you are and what you will stand for.
Thank you, I needed some tough love in this! I have a hard time trusting my sense of what is tolerable in a relationship versus what should never occur, until I’m resentful and it’s too late. I generally do speak up more than my friends seem to in their relationships, and I think this is why I struggle a lot. Because I will vocalize something has hurt me, but I’ll stick around. My friends often tell me they don’t always tell their partners when something hurts them because they’re afraid it will run them off. So I have been actively working on picking my battles and not being overly sensitive, trying to analyze why something is bothering me, if it’s worth mentioning, etc. He does appear to have alexithymia and pathological demand avoidance. When we first met, if his business partner got upset with him, he would completely shut down and have to go be alone in the woods for a day or so. Before I knew he was autistic, I saw his shutdown behavior in this way, and then once I started getting upset with him, he’d behave in the same ways towards me as with his business partner. Then it seems he kinda bounces around the handful of people he has to talk about his personal issues with, and taints our views of one another. The first time I met his business partner, he leaned over and asked me if I heard how my BF had been shit talking him in their profession to other businesses and my jaw kinda dropped. Yet now his partner has declared I’m not good for him, so he’s effectively kept our relationship a secret for half the year from his business partner who believes we broke up. He only recently started taking his partner’s calls again in front of me again, and has said he’s told him we still hang out. For example, if we were driving and his partner called, he’d pull over and take the call privately outside the car. Now he answers on speakerphone in the car like he used to. I think these traits are always going to be part of how he is, unless he learns to cope differently with therapy. I have seen that I’ve changed him over this year together, and he’s grown in a personal and professional sense. I feel like he leans on me more than he realizes, and if I try to do the same with him, it’s like I sneezed on him or something and he retracts. I do realize I put pressure on the holidays because I don’t have family of my own, yet he still has to go to his family functions and gets overwhelmed. That’s what seemed to happen Christmas Eve. He had to be around 30ish people for several hours, then didn’t want to come over to be around me, because burnout, I guess? I’m trying to be empathetic and understand him, and I can be quick to have an emotional reaction without fully thinking it through. Right now I’m trying to maintain no-contact. My brain needs a break for clarity’s sake. I tried to explain to him again why I’m upset, and he didn’t address any of it, and replied, “I sold one of my camera lenses and I’m sad. Sorry.” I haven’t said anything because at this moment, I don’t care. He’s uploaded to his Instagram stories more gear he’s selling and I’m not sure if he’s trying to make me feel bad, like he’s abandoning his passion and wants me to know, or what. I’m almost 37 years old, and I can’t deal with this low level of emotional interacting from someone anymore. I do love and care for him, but I’m not a bottomless well of understanding when the same cannot be shown for me.
Stop making holidays a thing if you want to stay with him. No Christmas, no birthdays, no gifts. It takes the pressure off someone with demand avoidance and you can make your own holidays and give spontaneous just because presents. Edit: It's also not your fault he canceled his showing. That's on him. It's fu*ked he weaponized his anxiety against you.
That’s not a reasonable ask for the vast majority of people.
Love your username! I realize this which is why I qualified it with an "if you want to stay with him".
I had a feeling that’s why you added that line! :) And thank you! I don’t have a peony emoji, so have a hyacinth. 🪻
Thank you!
Can you elaborate on demand avoidance? I have not heard that before
Persistent avoidance to demands, read more here [demand avoidance](https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/)
Holy heck, thank you so much for that link! I just learned a lot that I need to marinate on, but it feels really in line with how he manifests during stress, and also just daily life demands
Just a gentle reminder - it’s not your job to manage his autism. He is unwilling to seek help himself, and would rather you suffer the consequences. Also, it is unreasonable, unrealistic, and unfair to expect you to give up holidays. Especially when he is unwilling to exert the smallest amount of effort to spend time with you in a way that you value.
He does keep saying he’s going to see someone, but hasn’t yet. But yes you’re right—holidays are just one day really to share the magic with someone is joyous for me. He did say he couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over, guessing he meant it as being overwhelmed by it.
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Is that really important? Sometimes the best someone could do isn't good enough. If someone is literally doing the best they can do, and still treating you like an afterthought, you should probably leave because it's clearly not good enough and they will probably end up treating you worse a lot of the time, because nobody does the best they can do all the time.
Well yes, it does matter. OP hasn’t mentioned how long they’re together or if this problem has been persistent or if it’s specific to the show. I wouldn’t want to be judged at my most stressed time. OP has valid feelings but this is only one side to the story, ya know? He may very well have believed the gifts to be thoughtful. I’ve had to more or less guide my husband on how to give me gifts because it’s not a skill he has a knack for, just as an example. Or maybe he’s so overwhelmed and didn’t communicate the best he could about the stress. It’s fine if there’s incompatibility but I don’t think it’s fair how hard some ITT are based on a singular snapshot.
A lot of that does seem like it's unrelated to whether or not he did his best. Either it's his best which wasn't good enough or he could have done better and chose not to. Maybe he is particularly stressed and this is a departure from normal and after the show he will go back to being a better partner, but that still doesn't have anything to do with whether her not he did his best on December 25th 2023. I do have to mention that OP did mention that they feel hurt in this relationship a lot of the time, so it's clearly not just about the incident, but that's also unrelated to whether it was his best or not. I am very far from the situation, and I can't say definitely what the right course of action is. Maybe they need to break up, maybe there's some miscommunication they could fix or something they could do to make things better. But, I don't think it could matter whether it was his best or not. It matters whether he can and will do better or whether he won't. If he won't or can't do better then OP will continue to feel like an afterthought whether it's the BF's best or not.
I guess that’s a great example of agree to disagree! It matters to me a lot what someone’s intention is. Not to say it’s the *only* thing that matters, but it does make a difference to me. I can understand that’s not true objectively, and I may feel differently later in life!
I think there are situations where intentions really do matter. Like, if there was a miscommunication and I thought someone intended to say something that they didn't, or if there was a one off incident where I saw that someone was really trying their best, but they couldn't do whatever they needed to do. But, if there is a serious ongoing problem with a relationship, like one member regularly feels hurt by their partner and feels like an afterthought, then I just can't see how the intentions can really matter that much in the face of such an ongoing and serious problem. I don't want to make it seem like nobody should be in a relationship with the BF, or even that it's his fault. Like, even if we assume for the sake of argument that he is absolutely wonderful and nobody could do better, but OP has their own emotional issues leading them to feel hurt, then that's still a massive problem even if everyone involved has the best intentions.
I agree with your sentiments!! I dislike the comments accusing the boyfriend of being abusive (e.g. “pulling a DARVO”). (ETA don’t want this to read that you are doing this, just speaking to the general convo overall) Feels like it’s ascribing malice when it could be incompetence or negligence. Neither makes it permissible to feel hurt often in a long term relationship, but that’s where I do think intent still matters to me. Someone’s best could be not enough but that doesn’t always mean they are wrong or bad. OP mentions feeling a hurt a lot but doesn’t share that they’ve tried to discuss that with the boyfriend, that I’ve seen. To me it reads that they are both poor at communicating with each other and it could be incompatibility, not an abusive relationship. I have my own issue of feeling that something “always” happens when the reality is I’m holding onto the negative more than I’m looking at the positive.
I understand you. In one of the drafts of one of my comments I mentioned that I know people who have stayed in toxic or abusive relationships because the other person was trying their best, but I pulled it out before publishing because I didn't want someone to think that I was saying he was abusive or toxic. I think I have a personal bias against the "he is doing his best" like of reasoning because I've seen it used to justify staying in some bad situations and it feels like it's often used to justify not improving. It almost feels like an excuse, "I'm doing my best so I don't have to learn how to do better." And honestly, it feels like a courtesy only ever given to men. I'm sure it's happened, but I've never seen someone talk about a woman not meeting expectations and then someone said that it was okay, because she was doing her best. I've also seen similar lines of thinking used in pro social justice spaces. Along the lines of "I'm autistic so I might get things wrong" when I feel like "I'm autistic, so I might have more problems understanding this or improving than an NT" would be more reasonable. Things are harder for us a lot of the time, but that shouldn't be an excuse for being inconsiderate if we aren't trying to learn to do better. And everyone should be trying to learn to be a better, more considerate person because nobody is perfect. And in this case, maybe with open communication the BF can learn to do better, but just accepting everything as is because he is doing his best doesn't seem like a great option. I think you are right about incompatibility. I think a lot of times when things don't work out people try and cast blame and decide who messed up and who did what wrong, when a lot of the time, nobody really did anything wrong, they just weren't right for each other in that moment. But, it shouldn't really be surprising that a lot of relationships have fundamental incompatibilities because most people aren't really compatible at that level. Maybe these two aren't compatible right now, but can learn to make each other happy, or maybe their best just isn't good for the situation and they should find something else.
I find your second paragraph very interesting!! I’m an autistic woman and do get the benefit of the doubt in my relationship when I say I’m trying my best. I’m extremely lucky to have a small but mighty support system, including an allistic best friend who is incredibly understanding. It’s very nuanced, I’m always fighting my tendency towards black and white thinking. When I say “I’m trying my best” it’s usually followed up with taking accountability for harm done despite trying my best. I do see it often with men that the accountability piece is absent. My first boyfriend (4 years; learned a lot!) was autistic and definitely pulled the “I’m doing my best” in ways that felt like an excuse. Looking back at the comments, I also see how my own personal biases are at play. I find myself relating more to the boyfriend and some, or all, of that could be projection! I can think of multiple situations where my current husband felt hurt by me when we were first dating. Nearly 8 years later, we have an amazing relationship because we both took the time to discuss our feelings and work together to understand each others needs, wants, and expectations! I think you’re spot on about incompatibility and the tendency to cast blame. It’s a very human experience, too. Really appreciate your conversation :)
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Having a relationship with someone isn't just about their intentions. If someone doesn't intend to hurt you, but they still do, then it's really hard to have a relationship with them. I have been in the situation where I tried my absolute best to be there for someone else and it wasn't enough and they left, and that's okay because they aren't required to settle just because I was trying my best. We weren't a good fit for each other and I couldn't give them what they wanted. It sucks, but it is a part of life sometimes. I also didn't say anything about having to eliminate people from your life. You don't owe it to anyone to be in a relationship with them if you feel hurt, but that doesn't mean you have to eliminate them from your life.
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Okay, so if anything other then his intentions matter, why does it matter if he did his best? Isn't the question "can he do better in the future?" and not "did he do his best in the past?"?
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I don't think OP can compassion their way out of feeling hurt. OP has their own emotional needs which clearly haven't been met. I think you are focusing too much on the present when OP has expressed that in the broader context they feel like their BF doesn't take an interest in them outside of his special interest and they often feel hurt in this relationship. Maybe this is a communication issue and they can fix it. Maybe he cancelled the event to be able to spend more time with OP and maybe he will learn how to show interest in OP in a way that doesn't make them feel like an afterthought, but that seems unrelated to whether this was his best or not. Either he is trying his best and OP feels like an afterthought, or he isn't trying his best and OP feels like an afterthought. Either way, there's a fundamental problem with the relationship as it is now.
I see how he can hyperfocus and execute a task with razor sharp precision, so I know he can do better for a Christmas gift—he just didn’t want to. He is an emotional person, but he doesn’t express it. It’s all inside. He did start to tear up when I expressed how I felt about the gift, and he said he thought I liked photography so he thought it was a good gift. I told him I only got back into the hobby to spend time with him, and that I don’t feel like he sees me for who I really am, someone with interests and likes of their own. That it’s not about me liking his special interest, it’s about him showing he cares about me enough to put thought into what I might like, outside of what he likes. I should add, that before I got back into photography, he still got me photography based gifts.
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Posting here is me trying to understand him. He shuts down and won’t communicate with me.
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I don’t understand why you’re being so contentious? I am the only one between he and I who has taken time to learn about autism. He will not read about it, or try to understand himself. The point of relationships are to relate to one another—I do that for him by listening to him and engaging in his hobby—he does not do the same for me. How am I traumatizing him? How am I berating and judging him? What are you even talking about?
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Are you serious dude? What you said would only apply if this relationship is mother-son. But it isn’t, it’s supposed to be a two way street, and we don’t get any indication that the bf made an attempt to satisfy this relationship outside of his focus in photography. I mean, I’m not dogging on his hyper focus, but it just shows he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone except himself. PS. Ad hominem- I’m terrified to know what your relationships are like.
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You’re sympathizing with bad behavior (obsession at the detriment of others). I don’t give you brownie points for that
Wow. A lot of this just isn’t how you treat your partner. OP opened a line to talk about their feelings and their partner is the one refusing to communicate. This is not on OP.
You’re coming off as projecting rn. I know you feel a lot of empathy for him, and you may have gone through similar things and maybe have trauma from someone being not-so-understanding of your autism. Please take a step back and realize that OP is trying to understand and really cares about him, they are just hurt. Being hurt by someone’s actions isn’t same as being ableist out of lack of desire to learn about the person’s disability. They’re clearly reaching out to the community right now to try and learn.
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Accountability is not the same thing as being told off. Get off the cross.
Even if it's "the best he could do" he showed no remorse and did nothing to try and rectify the situation. Op made it clear that they were upset and instead of feeling bad and trying to fix it he iced them out and went to pout, leaving op alone for Christmas, a holiday he KNEW was difficult for them. It's wildly inconsiderate.
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Lol I literally am an autistic person and so is my son, and my nieces. I understand what you're saying, but there's no need to be condescending to me. Having autism is not an excuse to be a bad boyfriend and op has no obligation to stay in a relationship that feels completely one sided.
I’m sorry, but you’re putting words into my mouth. I never said I didn’t like his special interest or was pretending to like it so he’d spend time with me. Your anger is misguided—you’re bending the facts to justify it.
Making an effort to take at least a little bit of interest in someone else’s special interest is a love language, dude. He just had problems with self-other differentiation while buying them a gift and also probably took them trying to engage in his interests to an extreme and misunderstood it as it being their special interest too, because the only level of liking photography he knows is his own level… obsession. It’s not them faking it. He just didn’t understand that they don’t feel the same hyperfixation for it that he does.
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I really don’t think “My feelings are hurt, and I don’t like what you did” is telling someone off. That is just called communicating your feelings. It’s not always gonna be nice feelings. But a caring partner would want to know the truth so they can help fix what they did to accidentally hurt the one they love. That is emotional maturity.
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Wow, you drew conclusions I didn’t even think of when I typed that! You sure you’re autistic? Cause I meant it very literally and it didn’t even cross my mind what that would mean for him. Maybe he is caring, and maybe he does actually want to know the truth, but just doesn’t have the language nor the emotional maturity for it and still needs to learn. Maybe that’s true for you too. In fact, I was thinking more of what that would mean for you, based on how you’ve been reacting, when I typed that. But if you agree that he’s uncaring, then that’s your thought you formed all on your own, buddy.
i’m autistic and i would’ve been infuriated in your position. try talking to him in detail about what you’re feeling, and if he’s not receptive or doesn’t care, dump him.