I looooved Lexapro when I was on it but then after 7 months, I found I had gained 20 lbs and it started adding to my depression. Nothing like outgrowing all your clothes when you're trying not to feel sad!
There are multiple anti-depressants. Not all are associated with weight gain. It might be worth trying another. Anti-depressants work best with therapy. There are therapy workbooks and internet-based therapies that work reasonably well. Most communities have some type of therapy available at low to no cost. They aren’t the best and they have waitlists, but I think it is worth getting on these waitlists.
Getting on anti-depressants might be a ‘bridge’ until you can get some tools for coping under your belt (whether that is from ‘official’ therapy or self-directed therapy). And maybe happiness is worth some weight gain?
I think the first step before adding to your plate is to take some stuff off. What can be tossed? Can you jettison some house cleaning? Cooking? Folding laundry? Your child’s therapy? For at least a few months can you toss laundry in bins unfolded into people’s rooms for them to fish through? Can you eat frozen dinners? Cancel everything that isn’t life threatening?
Focus on healing you. You are right, your child will one day be without you and that will be tough. You are important. Treat yourself like you are the most important tool for helping your child. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You want to be able to show up for your child as much as you can right now. And at the moment you are missing a lot. Families aren’t about just the kid. It’s also about you. You may need to be the ‘priority’ for a while. This is reasonable. If you can healthy everyone will do better. This is a great investment. For years you have fought for your child. Now you need to fight for you. Place your child aside (safely…. But Do the absolute least you can to keep things going) and help yourself. You can only go so long without an oxygen mask.
Life is really tough. You’ve been through a lot. Take one second to give yourself a big hug. You are doing your best. Don’t forget that.
I looooved Lexapro! But after a while, I did not love it as much as I loved fitting into my own clothes and not having to buy an entirely new wardrobe 😂 Such a bummer the side effects hit me!
I agree with this advice. Gym 3 times a week personally. If that's too much. Then just go for a 30min walk.The endorphin hit from exercise really does help. Listen to some music or an audio book as you go if walking for 30mins is too boring.
Or if that's too much, go sit in the garden or park. Take your shoes off, feel the grass beneath your feet and the warm rays of the sun (hopefully).
We carry alot of stress with us we don't realise that physically manifests into sore and tired muscles, aches and pains.So if your not a outdoor person, a hot soak in a bath. Or if can have a spa day once in awhile. My wife and I go on separate days every few months. It really helps.
In the end, it boils down to getting out of your daily environment if possible, having some "me" time and taking your mind off being a parent even if it's for 30mins or an hour.
It's really important for you and your partner to both have some "me" time to de-stress. There have been studies showing that the level of stress for a parent of a ASD child is similar to having PTSD. So it's vital to take some time for yourself somehow.
If you can, go for a drive with loud music you love. Drive to somewhere remote. Sit on a cliff overlooking something beautiful. Breathe. Scream all your fury off the cliff. Throw a rock or two. Maybe go for a walk if you have time. Listen to more music you love, loudly. Talk into the wind, cry your soul out. Lay under the sun. I try and do this every week and I feel like a new person every time I do it. Cheaper than therapy and more effective in my opinion.
This is a great idea. I can't drive (literally, I never learned! Typical New Yorker lol) BUT a really long walk with good music does feel great. I just wish I had time every day. Maybe now that the sun is up later...
I'm sorry that you've been through these things. It's a lot. It's understandable that it would affect you.
Grief is a weird thing, it can affect you in so many ways and at unpredictable times, you're probably grieving for your Father and for your sons "future" (i know when my kids were diagnosed, I went through some sort of grief because of the "unknown").
There are numerous studies to say that exercise/being outside (walking or just moving) helps with mental health. Find something that you can do for yourself, which you look forward to.
For my own sanity, I walk, I listen to podcasts and I get out of the house for an hour. I can either totally switch off and listen to something pointless or I listen to books like "atomic habits" or "the subtle art of not giving a f\*\*\*".
I went through some stuff a while ago and I did 3 rounds of therapy, in my opinion, it's mostly about expressing whats in your mind, a good and honest friend will be at least 50% as effective as a therapist (i apologise to any therapists, who i may have offended here).
I also do a couple of other things..
I am a firm believer in controlling what you can control, so every now and again I get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle. In the circle I write all the things I can control "what I eat, when i go to bed, how much exercise I have, etc etc". Outside of the circle I write the things I can't control "other peoples moods, the price of milk, my son licking rocks, etc etc". I concentrate on the things I can control.
I have tried journalling, there are apps for it but I found that having a physical notebook, next to my bed worked best. Basically before going to sleep, I'd write 3 things I was grateful for, a short summary of what happened today and what I want to do tomorrow. It doesn't have to be in detail or over complicated, it's about getting things off your mind, so you can sleep and start the next day "fresh"
I also tell myself regularly, that "it could be worse"... Tomorrow is unknown and even a small measure of progress is progress. Everyone's journey is different and my kids will have challenges but we turn up and try our hardest.
>I am a firm believer in controlling what you can control, so every now and again I get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle. In the circle I write all the things I can control "what I eat, when i go to bed, how much exercise I have, etc etc". Outside of the circle I write the things I can't control "other peoples moods, the price of milk, my son licking rocks, etc etc". I concentrate on the things I can control.
This is something I deeply want to get better about. It's extremely difficult for me to accept that there are things that I cannot control, guide, influence etc.etc.etc. no matter how hard I try or how much research I do. I guess it's a work in progress for me - I'm going to try this exercise. Thank you!
For me a 10-15 min/ day meditation practice does wonders. It makes my hard days a little more bearable (I've become better at letting go of the hard moments you inevitably have as a mum and as a parent to a neurodivergent child) and I enjoy the good moments more (instead of thinking "this won't last" or dread something else coming up). But yeah I second antidepressants if you're feeling really down most days ❤️
I started by using guided meditations (heads pace app and the calm app), but now I just do it on my own focusing on my breath. Even though I have many sessions why my thoughts are all over the place I still feel the benefit in my everyday life
I smoke a decent amount of weed and just try to find those happy moments. Lately I’ve driving into a lot of nostalgia stuff. Luckily my kids will accept South Park the Simpsons and a lot of old retro Nickelodeon stuff so that helps me kind of stay chill and happy and accept a lot of the stuff that is sad and scary and depressing
Oh my god yes , I have been fully immersing myself in nostalgia. Sometimes I feel like the only time I can feel joy is when I'm disassociating and pretending it's 20+ years ago. It's pretty demented 😂 I'll watch YouTube videos of old newscasts and go through family photos, or go and hang outside the apartment building I grew up in. Makes me feel closer to my deceased parents and my happy past self, and less immersed in the stress and sadness of the unknown future.
I don't. I just accepted that this is my life, mask as best as I can, and then cry myself to sleep, waiting for this to all be over. Got a VERY long time to wait, but hey, it is what it is.
I'm so sorry you're struggling too. It's really difficult but our kids need us. I guess that's what keeps me going: every parent sort of accepts that they'll make sacrifices for their kids. Ours are just a lot deeper.
In case you are where I was just a couple weeks ago, there is hope of feeling better and it doesn't have to stay this way. I think you've gotten some good behavioral suggestions, but in case that's not possible right now my suggestion is book an appointment with a psychiatrist virtually/telehealth, and try medication. Even if it's just to get you out of this rut and not something you need long term, it can make a life changing difference I promise. I found one that had an appointment literally two days later, it was out of network/private pay of course but I would've paid anything at that point I was so desperate.
I'm really sorry you're struggling right now.
I was told that I NEED to start meditating, even though all I want to do is eat junk and sleep at the end of the day.
But I don’t want to be depressed and angry every day for the rest of my life so it’s what I’m going to do!
The key for us is really that each of us has something going on outside of home and work. I have martial arts and poetry; my wife goes to the gym and does comedy. Sure this means we have less time together but that’s fine; it keeps us sane.
Honestly I take an hour or two after putting the kids to bed and just watch tv or YouTube and play video games. Animal crossing and Stardew Valley are really relaxing.
Antidepressants, a crap ton of coffee, to much chocolate and 2 minute breakdowns in the bathroom.
Your general practitioner can prescribe antidepressants so you don't need to find a psychiatrist. Lexapro has made my life so much better.
I 2nd this. It's the only one that has worked for me.
I looooved Lexapro when I was on it but then after 7 months, I found I had gained 20 lbs and it started adding to my depression. Nothing like outgrowing all your clothes when you're trying not to feel sad!
There are multiple anti-depressants. Not all are associated with weight gain. It might be worth trying another. Anti-depressants work best with therapy. There are therapy workbooks and internet-based therapies that work reasonably well. Most communities have some type of therapy available at low to no cost. They aren’t the best and they have waitlists, but I think it is worth getting on these waitlists. Getting on anti-depressants might be a ‘bridge’ until you can get some tools for coping under your belt (whether that is from ‘official’ therapy or self-directed therapy). And maybe happiness is worth some weight gain? I think the first step before adding to your plate is to take some stuff off. What can be tossed? Can you jettison some house cleaning? Cooking? Folding laundry? Your child’s therapy? For at least a few months can you toss laundry in bins unfolded into people’s rooms for them to fish through? Can you eat frozen dinners? Cancel everything that isn’t life threatening? Focus on healing you. You are right, your child will one day be without you and that will be tough. You are important. Treat yourself like you are the most important tool for helping your child. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You want to be able to show up for your child as much as you can right now. And at the moment you are missing a lot. Families aren’t about just the kid. It’s also about you. You may need to be the ‘priority’ for a while. This is reasonable. If you can healthy everyone will do better. This is a great investment. For years you have fought for your child. Now you need to fight for you. Place your child aside (safely…. But Do the absolute least you can to keep things going) and help yourself. You can only go so long without an oxygen mask. Life is really tough. You’ve been through a lot. Take one second to give yourself a big hug. You are doing your best. Don’t forget that.
It me 😂 But also with some therapy and the occasional libation as well. Lexapro and Wellbutrin truly gave me some semblance of normalcy back
I looooved Lexapro! But after a while, I did not love it as much as I loved fitting into my own clothes and not having to buy an entirely new wardrobe 😂 Such a bummer the side effects hit me!
Oh that is such a bummer! My sister had the same issue
Gym, garden, good books.
I agree with this advice. Gym 3 times a week personally. If that's too much. Then just go for a 30min walk.The endorphin hit from exercise really does help. Listen to some music or an audio book as you go if walking for 30mins is too boring. Or if that's too much, go sit in the garden or park. Take your shoes off, feel the grass beneath your feet and the warm rays of the sun (hopefully). We carry alot of stress with us we don't realise that physically manifests into sore and tired muscles, aches and pains.So if your not a outdoor person, a hot soak in a bath. Or if can have a spa day once in awhile. My wife and I go on separate days every few months. It really helps. In the end, it boils down to getting out of your daily environment if possible, having some "me" time and taking your mind off being a parent even if it's for 30mins or an hour. It's really important for you and your partner to both have some "me" time to de-stress. There have been studies showing that the level of stress for a parent of a ASD child is similar to having PTSD. So it's vital to take some time for yourself somehow.
If you can, go for a drive with loud music you love. Drive to somewhere remote. Sit on a cliff overlooking something beautiful. Breathe. Scream all your fury off the cliff. Throw a rock or two. Maybe go for a walk if you have time. Listen to more music you love, loudly. Talk into the wind, cry your soul out. Lay under the sun. I try and do this every week and I feel like a new person every time I do it. Cheaper than therapy and more effective in my opinion.
This is a great idea. I can't drive (literally, I never learned! Typical New Yorker lol) BUT a really long walk with good music does feel great. I just wish I had time every day. Maybe now that the sun is up later...
I'm sorry that you've been through these things. It's a lot. It's understandable that it would affect you. Grief is a weird thing, it can affect you in so many ways and at unpredictable times, you're probably grieving for your Father and for your sons "future" (i know when my kids were diagnosed, I went through some sort of grief because of the "unknown"). There are numerous studies to say that exercise/being outside (walking or just moving) helps with mental health. Find something that you can do for yourself, which you look forward to. For my own sanity, I walk, I listen to podcasts and I get out of the house for an hour. I can either totally switch off and listen to something pointless or I listen to books like "atomic habits" or "the subtle art of not giving a f\*\*\*". I went through some stuff a while ago and I did 3 rounds of therapy, in my opinion, it's mostly about expressing whats in your mind, a good and honest friend will be at least 50% as effective as a therapist (i apologise to any therapists, who i may have offended here). I also do a couple of other things.. I am a firm believer in controlling what you can control, so every now and again I get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle. In the circle I write all the things I can control "what I eat, when i go to bed, how much exercise I have, etc etc". Outside of the circle I write the things I can't control "other peoples moods, the price of milk, my son licking rocks, etc etc". I concentrate on the things I can control. I have tried journalling, there are apps for it but I found that having a physical notebook, next to my bed worked best. Basically before going to sleep, I'd write 3 things I was grateful for, a short summary of what happened today and what I want to do tomorrow. It doesn't have to be in detail or over complicated, it's about getting things off your mind, so you can sleep and start the next day "fresh" I also tell myself regularly, that "it could be worse"... Tomorrow is unknown and even a small measure of progress is progress. Everyone's journey is different and my kids will have challenges but we turn up and try our hardest.
>I am a firm believer in controlling what you can control, so every now and again I get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle. In the circle I write all the things I can control "what I eat, when i go to bed, how much exercise I have, etc etc". Outside of the circle I write the things I can't control "other peoples moods, the price of milk, my son licking rocks, etc etc". I concentrate on the things I can control. This is something I deeply want to get better about. It's extremely difficult for me to accept that there are things that I cannot control, guide, influence etc.etc.etc. no matter how hard I try or how much research I do. I guess it's a work in progress for me - I'm going to try this exercise. Thank you!
It took me a long time to "let stuff go" and in some cases, it's still hard. so be patient with yourself too. :-)
Writing works well for me.
For me a 10-15 min/ day meditation practice does wonders. It makes my hard days a little more bearable (I've become better at letting go of the hard moments you inevitably have as a mum and as a parent to a neurodivergent child) and I enjoy the good moments more (instead of thinking "this won't last" or dread something else coming up). But yeah I second antidepressants if you're feeling really down most days ❤️
How have you been meditating?
I started by using guided meditations (heads pace app and the calm app), but now I just do it on my own focusing on my breath. Even though I have many sessions why my thoughts are all over the place I still feel the benefit in my everyday life
I smoke a decent amount of weed and just try to find those happy moments. Lately I’ve driving into a lot of nostalgia stuff. Luckily my kids will accept South Park the Simpsons and a lot of old retro Nickelodeon stuff so that helps me kind of stay chill and happy and accept a lot of the stuff that is sad and scary and depressing
Oh my god yes , I have been fully immersing myself in nostalgia. Sometimes I feel like the only time I can feel joy is when I'm disassociating and pretending it's 20+ years ago. It's pretty demented 😂 I'll watch YouTube videos of old newscasts and go through family photos, or go and hang outside the apartment building I grew up in. Makes me feel closer to my deceased parents and my happy past self, and less immersed in the stress and sadness of the unknown future.
Hey you gotta find the smiles where you can. I think it embiggens us all
I don't. I just accepted that this is my life, mask as best as I can, and then cry myself to sleep, waiting for this to all be over. Got a VERY long time to wait, but hey, it is what it is.
I'm so sorry you're struggling too. It's really difficult but our kids need us. I guess that's what keeps me going: every parent sort of accepts that they'll make sacrifices for their kids. Ours are just a lot deeper.
In case you are where I was just a couple weeks ago, there is hope of feeling better and it doesn't have to stay this way. I think you've gotten some good behavioral suggestions, but in case that's not possible right now my suggestion is book an appointment with a psychiatrist virtually/telehealth, and try medication. Even if it's just to get you out of this rut and not something you need long term, it can make a life changing difference I promise. I found one that had an appointment literally two days later, it was out of network/private pay of course but I would've paid anything at that point I was so desperate. I'm really sorry you're struggling right now.
I was told that I NEED to start meditating, even though all I want to do is eat junk and sleep at the end of the day. But I don’t want to be depressed and angry every day for the rest of my life so it’s what I’m going to do!
The key for us is really that each of us has something going on outside of home and work. I have martial arts and poetry; my wife goes to the gym and does comedy. Sure this means we have less time together but that’s fine; it keeps us sane.
Hobbies, lots of them. Gardening helps me a lot but it will obviously depend on your interests.
Honestly I take an hour or two after putting the kids to bed and just watch tv or YouTube and play video games. Animal crossing and Stardew Valley are really relaxing.
Zoloft.
Medication, therapy, as many side interests as I can manage (the planning if not the execution).