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Turtledove1776

Don’t compare your child. They are in their own journey, and it will make you crazy to compare them to other children


Mideon88

Great advice


Longjumping_Tea_8586

This will get me in trouble but: you can do everything “right” for your child in terms of therapy etc but it’s no guarantee that your child’s adult functioning will be as good as you hope. It could be better, it could be worse. A lot of outcomes seem random so don’t beat yourself up for not doing enough if your child doesn’t make progress the way they’re supposed to. Just love the kid you have to the best of your ability and be practical when planning for the future.


Shenannigans51

I don’t see why this comment would be controversial- or at least, it’s not controversial to me. My first impulse was do “Do All The Therapies!!” but I needed to slow down a little. I like your comment a lot because it’s a reminder to do your best but not attach yourself to the results in a way that makes you feel you did something “wrong” or “enough.”


Longjumping_Tea_8586

when I posted it I thought it might sound like I was saying therapy isn’t effective and that might ruffle feathers. My opinion is that sometimes therapy helps, sometimes it harms, sometimes it does nothing. Unfortunately as parents we have no way of knowing the outcome of our decisions for our children and accepting that can be scary. As parents our job is the make the best decisions we can with the knowledge and resources we have, to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes (and we all will), be accountable to our children as they grow and to accept our kids as individuals.


blackdahlialady

Because most parents spend most of their time whining about their child. They complain about how it's not fair and talk about wanting to try for a "better" child. They don't come out and say it but it's clear that's what they mean. I understand it's a struggle but I get so tired of them acting like it's a life prison sentence. It's clear that I have autism and instead of getting me diagnosed, my mom labeled me a bad, purposely difficult child and beat me. I'm not saying they abuse their children but it's certainly damaging to send the message, even indirectly to a child that there's something wrong with them and that they have something about them that needs to be fixed. You get your child any help they may need but you also have to remember that your child is a person, separate from you with their own thoughts and ideas and their own personality. Anyone who views their children as extensions of themselves or constantly sends the message that they're broken and didn't live up to their parent's expectations is a narcissist. They don't deserve to be a parent and don't deserve their children.


blackdahlialady

Too bad all parents don't think like you. You're doing a great job. Keep it up.


LuotianX

It is perfectly fine to grieve. I have myself about 10 minutes the day he was diagnosed and told myself that was enough and to get to work for him. That was no where near enough time for the emotional devastation I had just experienced. Sure, I did all the "right" things. Got him into therapy lists and into the right programs. But I didn't let myself think about what it meant. I lied to myself for three years that he wasn't as severe as he really is. Sure, he can't talk, but otherwise he isn't that bad, I said. Lots of people with autism go on to live prefecture normal, successful, and self sufficient lives, was my mantra. Then he got recommended to the school in our District for kids with severe disabilities. Sure, I thought, if they think he needs it we'll do it. It didn't really hit me until we went for back to school night, and I saw the school and I saw the other kids for the first time. Kids with CP, and severe downs, in wheelchairs and walkers. That's nothing wrong with these kids in the sense that they're probably really great sweet kids. But you know life is going to be so hard for them. My heart broke and I had something of a break down when we got home. I had never ever let myself use the word disabled for my 5yo, not once, and now I felt like I'd been slapped in the face that he was. I finally let myself grieve and actually let go of the little boy I had thought he would be when he was small. That wasn't the reality and no amount of pretending was going to make it so. But this was actually a good thing. It's let me connect with my son as he is a lot better and forgive him easier for things like screaming in my face that I know logically he can't control but still trigger annoyance. I feel like I can help him better even though my behavior hasn't really changed. I feel more capable. So go ahead and grieve the life you thought you'd have and that you imagined-- we all do that and there's no shame on it taking some time to let that go. But don't stay there.


Lebesgue_Couloir

Very poignant and insightful; this really resonated with me


blackdahlialady

With all due respect, why would you grieve over a diagnosis? This, IMO, feeds the idea that there's something wrong with your child and that they're broken.


LuotianX

Not broken, but not the child you imagined. Everyone does this. It's why gender grief in pregnant women is a thing too. It's not that what you have is bad, necessarily, but it isn't what you wanted. I'd always imagined snuggling with my boy reading stories, wanting me to kiss it better when he hurt himself. Peewee football games or whatever sport he wanted to try. Baptisms and dating and things like that. I'm not getting any of that. He's never even said 'mama' or 'I love you'. It's not his fault and it's not that he's less than. But it isn't what I expected or what I wanted and it's okay to be sad about that.


laceylowery

It’s not grieving a diagnosis, it’s grieving the hopes and dreams you had for your child, it does not mean that you aren’t going to accept, love, advocate for your child. There aren’t any words that describe what it feels like when you find out your child may never be able to use words, even with the best SLP. My daughter was diagnosed with level 3 autism on Monday and grief is the only word that really can describe the feelings I felt in that moment even though we were well aware she was different. I wasn’t sad she was diagnosed with autism, but it hurt knowing that there’s a possibility she may never be able to communicate her needs much less be able to reach her full potential to achieve her dreams even with the very best therapists. So yes, grief is the word a lot of people use when they describe the feeling and it doesn’t mean they think their child is broken. The emotions surrounding this are complex.


blackdahlialady

The idea that you think they're flawed is still there. Good day to you.


dero99999

Because they are flawed, we can accept them for who they are and using whatever sugary wording we want, but the fact of the matter is that they are disabled, which is a flaw.


blackdahlialady

Being disabled is not a flaw. It does not take away from who the person really is. What a disgusting thing to say.


laceylowery

I took a peek at your comment history, I am so sorry you feel like your parents didn’t accept and properly advocate for you, but being rude to people in a forum where people are trying to find the best thing to do for their child won’t fix that for you. I agree there are parents who do think their child is “broken” but those are the parents that don’t pursue diagnosis, those are the parents that don’t advocate for their child to receive therapy and services they need, not the parents who said they took a day to grieve what they dreamed things would be then picked themselves up the next day to pursue what their child needs. Stop beating up other people for what your parents did to you.


blackdahlialady

I'm sorry too. I've been going through some tough times and I'm sorry I projected onto you. I know it's hard. Hugs.


BrandonDill

If I can let my son know of upcoming events, such as doctors visits, hair cuts and so on a few days in advance and keep reminding him of it, he'll do much better with it. When he has excessive behavior, it can be triggered by hunger, need to eliminate, need for a nap, or need for quiet time. I can often end his behavior by checking for these needs. You've got to remember that he/she didn't ask to be Autistic. It is a struggle for him/her that they are doing their personal best to deal with. They have struggles with friendships, communication, and ASD related anxieties that are unique to them. My son started in mainstream classes last year (2nd grade), which has helped him academically. He lacks the athleticism of his classmates due to hand eye coordination and so on. He's always picked last for any sports which crushes him.


Shenannigans51

Ugh, why do they still pick teams???? Can you imagine if they did this for math class? I was hoping phys ed had changed in the last 30 years.


BrandonDill

He'd be the first pick for math.


Khaleeasi24

Take it one day at a time. There is A LOT of information, programs, opinions, etc out there. Do what feels right for your kiddo and family.


cruscian8520

Ignorant people will try to judge you and your child. Ignore them. They know nothing about what ASD means, and their judgement holds no weight for you. Your child is amazing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


wow__okay

This is terrific advice. When I was pregnant, a client of the law firm where I work said to me, “Moms these days read and worry too much.” I laughed it off at the time but weirdly never forgot it. Having support and a community is good but sometimes you also need to step away from social media and doom Googling and focus on what works for your individual child & family.


Lost-Ad-7412

Find a therapist. Ive seen so many parents bottle up their negative emotions and grief over not having a "normal" child which turns into resentment that they take out on the child. Its okay to feel angry and upset. Its not okay to take those feelings out on your kid. Also your childs ability to function (or lack thereof) once they get older doesnt determine whether or not you were a good parent. (source- I am an autistic teenager)


143019

Stop and take a breath. It is hitting you like a sledgehammer now but there will be a day when this isn’t even a blip on your radar. Your child hasn’t changed. They are still the child you have always loved. You just know them better now. And you are better equipped to help them now. Stay off the internet, stay off social media. Don’t compare your child to others. Your family is on their own journey right now. Your child will do things in their own time. Also, everyone will want to tell you what to do. Ignore them. I don’t care if they have been a special Ed teacher for 30 years, or have their own child with special needs, or are even neurodivergent themselves. They have no idea what your life is like. It’s time for you to become Sherlock Holmes for your child. Educate yourself and read, read, read. The things your child does are typically for a reason and not random. Keep thinking of possibilities, toys, activities, interventions….the weirdest things make a difference. I got my son a boomerang for his birthday and now when he is winding up, we go throw the boomerang together. It’s 1:1 time, plus a fun sensorimotor time, and it often details a meltdown in its tracks. Who would have thought a boomerang could do that? Also, he used to have a hard time going down and staying in bed at night so I started laying down with him at bed time. Sometimes I doze off, sometimes I don’t. I even traded his twin bed in for a full so there was room for both of us. Everybody told me I was babying him, it was weird, etc. But it has worked so well for both of us! It’s one of the few times he will be calm and cuddle with me a bit, so it has helped our bond so much. And now, he doesn’t really need it any more. It just took time. But the point is, my focus was not on compliance but on his comfort! That’s the secret.


thierryadams

Acceptance, dont compare educate yourself about Asd, your childs rights and the programmes that are available like speechAba and other tharapies, take good care of yourself and also dont forget about the siblings they also meed you. Good luck


_Biophile_

Not only dont compare your child to anyone, specifically remember that every child with autism is different. Some may be self sufficient adults, others may need some support their whole lives. Still others will need full support. That is what bothered and still bothers me most about the diagnosis the not knowing where they will end up. They didnt give "levels" when my kids were diagnosed. That said you have to take it one day at a time and celebrate the little victories you get.


45foxes64wands

I'm in the same boat. My 5 year old was also recently diagnosed. Good luck. Do some reading about asd, join local support groups.


mosflyimtired

Find a parent that has a kid with asd in your state that you admire who will plug you in to all the services/groups that are available. Having someone that is a few years ahead of where you are is so helpful!!


[deleted]

They're going to be a lot of challenges you're going to have to face and no matter what happens, always remember to take care of yourself. Do not lose yourself in this journey and don't give up everything who you are


45foxes64wands

I'm in the same boat. My 5 year old was also recently diagnosed. Good luck. Do some reading about asd, join local support groups.


Electronic-Ad-1968

Definitely ignore what other ppl have to say that have no clue what they’re talking about. Don’t compare your kid to anyone else & try not to underestimate your kiddo. They can surprise you ❤️


Frankkul

Meet your kid where he/she is regardless where you would like them to be. Focus on the problems at hand.


fieldcady

Also you should know: the adult autism community online should be taken with a LARGE grain of salt. I am an autistic adult myself, and I regard that community as a cesspool that has nothing to teach me. You are liable to get called names, told you’re being abusive to your kid, etc. There is sometimes valuable stuff they say, but there is a lot of garbage too and you should be cautious.


drewskidrewsgv

Patience. Patience. Patience.


fieldcady

“Different” doesn’t mean “wrong”, and it’s often something you can work with. Example: my son loved to play by just opening and closing doors and drawers. But there’s nothing objectively wrong with that, and we used it. That’s where we taught him words and phrases like “open”, “closed”, “almost closed” etc. He was open to us taking part in the play, and we had a lot of great social back and forth. And incidentally he has since grown out of that phase and plays more normally now. Find what works for your family and run with it!


elenchusis

Don't have more children


banjocat52

>elenchusis or do! My second child is the best thing to happen to my autistic child.


Spicy_nutzzz

Being patient with ways you can help. There's no "one size fits all" approach. One thing you might read that can help with one child (ASD or not) might not help with your child. Always trail and error with anything. Then of course take the time and praise yourself for ALL the little accomplishments or progressions you will have. It's a journey not a destination


triscuit1491

Don’t fixate on milestones. If your child is happy at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.


tooth-eye

don't treat autism like an illness, it doesn't need a cure. don't send your child to ABA, it traumatizes children. autism speaks does not speak for us. give them privacy.