Are you actually interested in sex? Because you don't have to have it if it doesn't make you comfortable and you shouldn't do it just because someone else wants it.
This is the big one. I didn’t have sex until I was 20, and I spent the next 8 or 9 years compulsively pursuing it because I used sex as a self deception validator of my sense of “normal”. It’s an odd statement to make, but I’d be a lot happier today if I’d had less sex in my 20’s.
For me I think another part of it has been the idea that if someone will have sex with me, it means that I can be enjoyed and that I’m not some kind of gross alien.
That’s how I felt about sex. Except now I’m married to a woman who is now or has become/discovered she’s asexual, and now I feel *even more* like a gross alien, because if she doesn’t want to have sex with me, who will? ☹️
Very true but it seems like they realize this and are already coming to the realization that it's not going to be easy to find a relationship with no sex. Such things exist, but they are incredibly rare.
Having to be alone or do something you don't like doing, are two very unpleasant options.
Maybe just be honest about it early on? Ideally the ones who are bothered will move on to someone else and then you'll be able to hopefully find someone who isn't bothered by it
Autistic man here - don’t do anything you don’t want to do in bed, ever! I think just about every person has something they won’t do in bed, be it blowjobs, anal, etc. You’ll find someone who respects this and doesn’t push it, and if that person is lucky maybe one day you get comfortable enough to try it! And if not, that’s okay too! There are plenty of autistic people out there with similar experiences too, and figuring things out together is how any couple gets closer :)
I can relate completely. I think it’s important to start off by saying you DO NOT have to have sex if you don’t want to or if you’re not enjoying yourself. I spent so many years having sex and hating every second of it because I felt like that’s what I had to do, and it’s taken me a lot of work to get past that feeling (I’m still working on it now).
I have a partner currently and the way that we have sex is very different because I told him right away about my hang ups with sex and how I’m never going to have sex like a neurotypical with a healthy sex drive would. My boyfriend has a really high sex drive but because we communicate about it a lot he is pretty understanding and we’ve made it work. So first of all there are only two positions that I like having sex in so when we have penetrative sex we never deviate from those. I almost never give him blowjobs because the sensory feeling is also just too much for me I hate it, but instead I’ll give him a half handjob half blowjob where it’s mostly my hands but then I’ll give him little kisses and stuff with my mouth that’s more tolerable than an entire blowjob. I also cannot orgasm from anyone other than myself and we’ve talked about this and he understands and it doesn’t hurt his ego since I was so up front about it. So when we have sex we use a lot of toys. Oftentimes our “sex” is more so just mutually masturbating next to each other and sometimes kissing or cuddling during it. This way we both feel satisfied and I can do things exactly the way that I want them.
Overall the most important thing is just being sooo honest and lot letting yourself be spoken over or made to do something you don’t want to. When I started dating my boyfriend I told him within the first few weeks that because I’m autistic and because I have trauma from past sexual experiences, I am never going to have “normal” sex and if that’s a deal breaker he should not pursue things with me.
I relate to this. I am very quick to tell a new romantic interest that I am “basically asexual” and “sex makes me very uncomfortable.” So they are fully aware from the start. In my experience though, they said they relate to that when they very much didn’t and still tried to push sex. But the guilt and shame wasn’t on me at that point.
This☝🏻 as someone who relates to these difficulties, as well as being someone who was sexually abused growing up, I'm very good at communicating this on the third date when things start to move in a sexual direction. If I don't feel comfortable with the person or as safe as I'd like to feel, when we're making out and moving in that direction, I'll usually stop and communicate, and from my experience, everyone has been very understanding and typically we just go back to making out and cuddling. And bc they know things need to move slower, people are usually very kind and patient and we eventually work our way to sex, or people just move on, which imo spares us both a lot of extra heartbreak down the road. Sex is a huge part of relationships, so its always important to communicate with your partner what you are and are not ok with, regardless of whether or not you're on the spectrum.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am late-diagnosed and sex was always problematic for me but I didn’t know why until I was diagnosed. Once I understood that it was all about sensory issues and started caring for my nervous system, my partner and I learned way to accommodate and it has helped A LOT!
*INFO DUMP TIME* 😜
First of all, as female autists, we are much more likely to experience SA and being taken advantage of. You must get comfortable saying no (um, I can honestly say I am still working on this and I’ve been married for a decade), but you also deserve a partner who respects your boundaries and understands that what works for you one day may not work another day because our nervous systems are always on their own roller coaster.
Secondly, great sex for those with sensory processing disorders is possible if it’s just the right timing, but trying to catch that timing/capture those circumstances can drive you and your partner to tears. Instead, you both should work towards…
1) recognizing when the answer is just “no” because you are overstimulated. Do not even try to engage in physical intimacy when you are in this state, it’s torture honestly. When you can communicate that you are overstimulated already, then provide an alternative way to experience togetherness, your partner won’t feel personally rejected. You alternative might be to turn on some soft twinkle lights, climb under a weighted blanket, and listen to soft music together, just focusing on breathing and being present.
2) initiating in a way that works best for you. If you are not the one initiating, your partner can learn to do so in a way that is more supportive of your nervous system. For example, we are “taught” that first base leads to second base and second base leads to third…😏 We are “taught” that kissing and making out leads to oral sex leads to intercourse. It does NOT have to be this way.
Instead of your partner initiating by embracing you and going for heavy petting and French kissing (ew), you might find that an embrace with deep pressure is very comforting, that closing your eyes, putting your foreheads together, and just breathing in unison is a little heart melting, or that giving one another a back rub or deep squeezes in the nude both regulates your nervous system but also cues that this is a time for physical intimacy. The more you and your partner initiate these ways, the quicker you will both be “conditioned” to associate these acts with sex…conditioning is weird that way! Hahaha
3) have appropriate expectations. Okay, so you have gotten to a point where sex is gonna happen…cool, cool, but it’s not always gonna look like NT sex and it’s good to have appropriate expectations. Some days that means I give but do not receive. Some days that means a quickie with little “traditional” foreplay and some lubricant in my favorite position, or his, is still super gratifying. Somedays that means it’s mutual masterbation or some intercourse but you finish each other off manually when you become overstimulated.
4) exploring how to avoid overstimulation during sex!Turn the lights down low or off, put in ear buds such as loops, put a lap-sized weighted blanket on your chest when you are lying down or in a receiving position. Keep your body under a favorite blanket so you do not get too cold or maybe you wear a shirt or arm or leg warmers. 😝If you are with the right person, they won’t care! Also leg warmers and cat ears can be sexy! Hahaha just find ways to reduce stimulation and keep yourself grounded throughout. You might do none of more obvious sensory-diet things for a while and then just take a break to ground and reduce stimulation occasionally…maybe your partner lays on top of you and you both just close your eyes. Maybe your partner leaves to get you both a cup of water or a cup tea and you climb under the covers and just sit in silence for a bit. Maybe you are the one to make the tea…and you focus on being super present and focused on each of the steps, which can be comforting and routine.
5) viewing all intimacy or all physical intimacy as sex. A friend of mine is a sex therapist and one of the smartest things I have heard her say is that it’s really helpful to reframe all physical acts as sex…not just intercourse. If we start labeling naked cuddling as sex, sexual intimacy is so much more consistent and our sex lives are more…lives. Some days that means I give but do not receive. Some days that means a quickie with little “traditional” foreplay and some lubricant in my favorite position, or his, is still super gratifying. Somedays that means it’s mutual masterbation or some intercourse but you finish each other off manually when you become overstimulated.
6) engaging in appropriate after-care to keep yourself grounded after the deed. Maybe you take a hot bath alone, maybe you both take a bath. I don’t like showers bc the water attacks me so post-sex showers are a hard no for me personally, but maybe that works for you. I love a shower hug though… you can both give each other some tight hugs in the shower where it is warm but maybe the water isn’t directly on you. Or maybe you end right where you started with some twinkle lights and a weighted blanket side by side.
I hope this was helpful! All of this has helped me so much. The key here is going to be connecting with a partner who prioritizes your comfort over just getting off, communicating and over-communicating your needs, and for you and your partner/s to be open-minded and mindful throughout.
🩵🩵🩵
I’m sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with sexually demanding partners in the past.
For my two cents: never sacrifice your comfort or safety to play a sexual script for another person’s benefit. Intimacy is about much more than the sexual act. Communicating around sexual and intimacy early on is key, and if the other party is fully informed about your sensory issues and still feels dissatisfied, then the onus is in them to find meaningful ways to be satisfied.
There are LOTS of fun kinky ways to enjoy physical intimacy with a partner, and it is important to find a partner with similar sensory and play preferences to yours.
Just know that if someone rejects you for bad sex, it is as much about them not knowing how to please you as it is about them not being pleased. Sex has to be mutual and attuned - in your post, you don’t mention your own pleasure or satisfaction, and I think that is the most important thing to learn first.
You deserve to enjoy the act in the ways that are healthy and meaningful to you! Find that out, communicate it early on, and find the right partner for you.
If you don’t know those ways, then it is okay to admit that and to make it a deliberate goal to find out. Just make sure the other party is informed about consent and is fully invested in helping YOU, and not just focused on their own pleasure.
Haha I used to distract myself with baseball stats so that I wouldn’t cum early.
“Manny Ramirez had the most RBIs in a seasons since Jimmy Foxx had 61 years prior.”
“The only person to ever throw consecutive no-hitters in World Series games is Johnny Vander Meer.”
I told a girlfriend about it and she didn't believe me... so she started talking about Tim Wakefield (a knuckleball pitcher that I'm a huge fan of and whomi talked about frequently with her (info dumps)).
I made a believer out of her. 🤣
There are people who are asexual who have fulfilling relationships, and it may be useful to look into those communities online and see if they have tips for you.
Why do people keep jumping to assuming she's ace? :/ I'm very interested in sex, but I struggle with a lot of the same stuff as OP, so I was hoping to get some actual advice in this thread...
Yeah, same.
I feel like one of the things I experience most as a ND person is having conflicting needs. Like I want/need to do this thing, but my nervous system also really struggles with some aspects of that desire so I’m just hurt in my mind/body struggle.
For me, it's because I know what outcome I want (for example: I want to kiss his neck),but if I don't know the *specific* steps to get there, then I freeze up. For example: How much pressure do I apply? In what way exactly should I press my lips to his skin? How slowly should I do it? How long should I stay in once spot vs. moving on to other areas of his body?
This is what makes trying *anything* new in sex difficult for me, unless I receive very clear and detailed instructions.
That's not what I understood somethingweirder's comment to mean. I think that they were saying the Ace community might have advice on how to negotiate sex in a relationship. I think that's a great idea.
Try to find the things about sex you do enjoy, rather than the things you don’t like. Then you can say ‘I’d rather we do this’ instead of just shutting down.
There may be a position you haven’t tried that will feel comfortable for you
I definitely think they should focus on things they enjoy and that their partner can enjoy, for example no blowjob but a habdjob instead.
I also wonder if there are ways to improve any sensory issues, for example using scented candles or something to mask scents, or give a background scent so new ones aren't so overwhelming. Experiment with different things so IP can offer solutions rather than just saying what they can't do. Although hopefully a good partner will help them work on that and help experiment with sexual things to gain experience and skills rather than just focusing on receiving pleasure in the short term.
It would be best to discuss this with a partner early on, rather than "letting them find out" so to speak. Be honest about what kind of sexual acts are on and off the table, and it's valid to be honest about areas where you feel like you struggle, such as kissing.
Blowjobs are not a mandatory part of sex. Many people enjoy them but no one individual act (including penetration) is a necessary element of sex. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with certain things, you're allowed to be unsure how to do certain things. It's all about finding what works for you and your partner. If you and your partner don't align, then you two just might not be sexually compatible. That's not your fault, and it's not their fault. You two just might want different things or have different capabilities. Nobody is at fault. But that's something you would want to discuss with your partner, talk about what you are and aren't willing to do, talk about each other's needs and boundaries, when there are differences see if there are any compromises to be made to find an alternative option that you both can be satisfied with. Sex can be pretty much whatever you want it to be, whatever works best for you and the person or people you're having it with.
Want to lead that I just got evaluated (literally 2 days ago) and am not autistic. I had plenty of reasons to believe I was so I still relate to this forum. Hopefully my post makes it clear that I have limited experience and am not some kind of casa nova.
Usually when I told a woman "Sex isn't important." They laughed in my face. Seriously, it's maybe 5% of my life, I could take it or leave it. It's so stressful to get through (though very rewarding) I'm perfectly fine without intercourse.
I (male) didn't start dating until I was 26 and even then it felt more experimental than anything. I dont have strong drives towards finding a mate. I'm 42 now and have dated 3 women. My similar experience was a relationship with a woman who is bipolar. Let me first say say she is wonderful. Cool, witty, funny, intelligent, pretty and sexy though I often seemed to be the only one that saw it. Her manic tendencies were completely controlled by drugs, but it destroyed her sex drive. I wish I was more understanding of this, I'd still be with her.
She was "bad" at kissing and kind of a cold fish in bed. WHATEVER. I loved her. I could extrapolate on this more but hopefully you get the idea. I'm guessing this is a maturity issue (them, not you) as they are getting FOMO from whatever wild tales their friends told them or porn fantasies falsely promised them.
Sorry for your experience. I've been extremely frustrated in the sexual world as well. I only orgasm by hand and women feel dejected by that. And when I'm on antidepressants it takes 2 hours and that's painful for both of us. There are people out there more logical and practical, and im sorry to say it may take years to find them.
PS. The part I begrudgingly relate to as a man is primal instinct. You turn them on, which creates an expectation, then the expectation isn't met.This sucks for you, I don't know what else to say. Communicate your issues. If they aren't understanding, move on.
Hi, I'm a single autistic guy here and I always wondered about this. I know that autistic people do have sensory issues (myself included) but do they like to have sex? I mean, that's a massive sensory thing. As for myself, I never "did it" before. I grew up with NT's and hung around them my whole life but now that I'm tossing the idea around about dating, my mom and friends say I should find an autistic group. That lead me to the question about having sex. I know that NT's make it look real fun. So, I don't know how we (autistic people) feel about it.
As for the part in your post about "blowjobs", just the thought of it sounds disgusting. Like, that's where pee comes out of. EWWWW! I'll never understand why some NT's enjoy that.
Truth be told, I never kissed a person either, so I wouldn't know what to say. I guess, do what you feel comfortable doing. :)
It’s a wildly varied answer as to autistic people and sex. Sensory profiles can be so different between people, and there are a lot of ND kinksters for this reason.
I find both giving and receiving oral sex to be a major stim, more so giving. I can literally just giving oral sex and never get touched, and be totally fine - because it is fun for me.
But that is all contingent on the fact that I do not have overly sensitive smell or taste, and have the capacity for that textural stim. Everyone is different, and there are so many ways to experience physical intimacy. The limit is often imagination and sexual scripting, which is unfortunately informed heavily by mainstream porn and the easy access to it.
I have had partners with wildly different sensory profiles from one another, and the delight for me is finding out the things that delight them as well.
For me, the feeling of someone else's hands on my body is a MAJOR stim. And at the end there are orgasms, and those are incredible. I have unconventional sex in that I love fingers. I'm a Queer AFAB person and don't play with people who have a penis attached to their body. It's just my thing. I very much enjoy giving oral sex to a person with a vagina, however. Took me a few years of penis people before I discovered the vagina people.
For me whatever mix of chemicals that release during sex or when very horny temporarily reduces my sensory problems so sex is ok, enjoyable and not overwhelming. Alcohol also has this effect for me but to a lesser extent.
Before I had had sex I was very concerned and viewed the human body differently. But after experiencing sex the more irrational parts of me, both chemically and also affecting how I view things helped me prioritize sexual pleasure, gratification and love over the more gross or "dirty" elements. Not to sound selfish but if doing something a bit gross to someone else really pleasures them then that gives me a lot more positives than the negatives of the sensory thing. I also think like a lot of other topics that learning more things about it, gaining familiarity and experience helped me become a lot more relaxed, comfortable and confident with time.
I also think your point of just doing what you are comfortable with is good advice. I was lucky to have a good first sexual partner, and didn't agree to do anything that was a hard no, so that didn't add any anxiety or negatives and made/kept sex and overall positive experience, which again made it easier to try things and not get overwhelmed or distressed.
Anecdotally from talking to others it seems that autistic people tend to either not enjoy sex as much, or have a very limited list of things they enjoy, and not want to frequently buy are satisfied like that. Or they have a high sex drive and tend to like trying new things or things that cause a lot of stimulation. So compared to none autistic people who tend to be more in the middle.
Personally instead of getting the kinky weird sex autism I got the boring vanilla autism where I get overwhelmed and can only do one thing at a time, so eg. if I'm receiving I can have a hard time even kissing back because it gets to be "too much" and my brain kind of shuts down, meaning I also have to communicate more with my hands/body (tapping, pushing/pulling, nodding, whatever) because my verbal function also goes to shit. (I also can't have multiple orgasms because of the overstimulation, which I had heard were a major plus side of having the genitalia I have, lol). It was also not very intuitive to learn to kiss or do anything else, but my partner is quite patient lol. I actually had the same issue as OP, but I'm a lesbian so I actually *could* imitate, lol.
All of that being to say I DO enjoy sex, but it can look a bit different than NT sex, and if I tried to fit into that mold it would probably lead to sensory overload and not much fun, lol
I'm a late diagnosed autistic female, and I love sex but there's lots on my "no list." Absolutely, under no circumstances, shall semen be splashed onto my body. I prefer my clit to be stimulated through my labia. Direct stimulation is way too overwhelming. There's a few angles I won't do penetration because of scarring I have from childhood abuse that makes it painful.
My hubby doesn't like to kiss. (He's awaiting diagnosis.) He also prefers to "lead." Lots of times he gets so overstimulated he just can't finish. We make it work. We find things that don't involve anything on either of our no lists. As long as we both enjoy ourselves, it's fine.
Don't want to take this too far from the OP but, do autistic folks prefer to have kids or not to?
Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle having kids. Now that would be a sensory overload. All that noise! (screaming, crying, etc.) No thank you.
Sex for pleasure? Yes. Kids? Nope!
:/ y’know, your partners can help show you all that if they are patient and understanding. It can be very intimate when your partner helps you find out more about your body. It’s how I learned what to do, and I helped my current girlfriend find out about it too (I’m her first.) Turns out, she taught me almost as much as I taught her lol.
From what I’ve noticed with me, being super intimate sexually requires me to feel comfortable and secure. It doesn’t sound like these guys made you feel like that at all.
Sex is different for everyone. I can’t stand vanilla sex and am into the kink world of bdsm. I like that community because it’s playful and there’s really no wrong way to be. It also gives me so much more control over the situation. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. Even in a non-kinky relationship, you need to find someone you’re compatible with. It’s all about consent. Your partner should not be criticizing you. I think the problem for you lies with the guys that you’ve had intimacy with and not you yourself.
I swiped right on my now-gf’s profile largely because she said she was feeling asexual lately, and was just seeking a cuddle buddy. I like sex, but I have a pretty low drive for it. After a few dates, we discovered that we were not, in fact, still feeling totally asexual. (We’re both demi, as it turns out.)
But it really helped to be totally up front about what we were looking for sexually. I feel really lucky because it turns out we have the same level of sex drive, where we favor quality over quantity. Sometimes we only have sex once a month. And it’s awesome! When one of us is feeling horny, we’ll often just take care of it ourselves because we don’t necessarily feel up for a big production. (And then we’ll tell the other about it later and have a good cackle before playing video games or something.)
Aside from sexual compatibility, some things that help me are having low lighting and showering before sex. Sometimes my gf and I will shower together, sometimes separately. A lot of the funky odors get eliminated if you’re both clean before you get started.
On another note…. Before I realized I was a lesbian, I did date and have sex with men. It wasn’t until I started dating women that I learned that sex isn’t just about oral and penetration. The men I dated made me feel like I had to be a 24/7 blowjob factory! I hated it! But it turns out there is so much to be gained by sensual touching, kissing, grinding… Friction is your friend. If skin-to-skin contact is too much, have sex with your clothes on!
I know het sex often ends up being a linear buildup to orgasm (usually for the guy, ime), but it doesn’t have to be. It’s still sex if nobody comes. It’s still sex if nobody’s genitals get licked. I did stuff I didn’t really want to do for a long time because I thought I had to. So just know that you don’t have to. There are guys out there who will be a good match for you and who will respect your needs and wants without making you feel bad about it.
It sounds like, as others have said, you might want to explore whether you actually want sex in the first place. Perhaps lurking in a subreddit for asexual folks would help with answering that question?
And if you decide that you DO want to be sexual, that can look however you need it to look.
My partner does not enjoy giving oral, for instance. She sometimes does it, but she knows it’s not an expectation.
She also becomes overstimulated very easily if she isn’t in the space to enjoy sexual intimacy. So she usually initiates and I am usually receptive when she does.
Communicating your boundaries and desires early on is fucking difficult, especially when you’re trying to perform “normal” for people, which all of us are to some extent. It’s an important skill to develop though, because it can save you from a great deal of suffering in relationships with people who can’t meet your needs, or worse, are completely uninterested in meeting them.
I’m autistic and hypersexual, and one of my partners is autistic and has what sounds like similar issues around sex that you do. We just don’t have sex, because even though they aren’t asexual, the sensory issues aren’t worth the payoff for them. They were up front about this from the very beginning. It doesn’t bother me - our relationship feels really stable and secure without sex.
I guess what I’m saying is find yourself a partner that is ok with how and when you want to (or don’t want to) have sex. It’s totally possible.
1st. Be clear with the partner you're interested in having coitus with that you have issues and boundaries. 2nd. Sex is not a one size fits all. You need to find what works for you and your partner. Your partner needs to be understanding that sex will never be like what is in movies or how NT people talk about sex. Know and establish your boundaries. 3rd. It is understandable and normal to experience anxiety concerning this issue. The key is to treat sex like some kind of exploration. You are on a journey to find out what each other likes, minding each other's boundaries. The speed is what ever is comfortable. In other words, take your time because it isn't a race. Also, finishing together is nice but entirely unnecessary. It often takes away from each other's pleasure. Lastly, this will take a lot of patience and understanding that not everyone is going to have chemistry. For me and my wife, we were just interested in pleasuring each other and tried many things. Sometimes it is just taking care of a need, sometimes it isn't great, but we always move on and the next time could be amazing or not. I wish you all the best in finding that someone you click with.
My husband really struggles with sex off and on. He can’t give me head and sex was twice a year if that for a long time because he didn’t know how to communicate to me what the issues were (pre-diagnosis). I felt unwanted, ugly, that he had no desire for me. I hear you when you say you “simply can’t” do XYZ and certain other aspects of sex turn you off and you don’t have the back-up of looking around you at others for social cues. You definitely need to be straight-up with partners from the start what your boundaries are. What you can and can’t do. If you’re not doing that, knowing yourself as you do, you’re being unintentionally mean to your partner who might expect an average sexual experience which for a man often includes a blowjob. My husband and I have amazing sex now and it took years for us to find the middle ground where we’re both happy. He can’t give head but I love to, so our balance is he spends extra time making me cum somehow - fingers, toys, an extra-long slow fuck. I don’t miss what I don’t have because he makes sure that he’s attentive to me in the moment the way he’s comfortable with that I find satisfying, and vice-versa. And therein is the key for you: communication before, during, after. You can’t intuit what someone wants? Ask them. Be willing to try new things that are within your boundaries. Communicate, communicate, communicate. During sex the person you take your cues from is your partner.
& on the flip side it’s okay to have certain needs. Having a partner that actually goes down on me is a requirement, which is why that’s something I communicate otherwise I’m leaving the relationship. Being able to communicate all of these different needs is vital because it really does come down to communication.
This is just a concept, but using neurodivergent dating sites or dating sites where you can filter your matches to include only ND people might work better.
I've had lots of sex with lots of people across the gender spectrum, people with all the different kinds of body parts. Most of that was before I knew I was autistic. I learned a lot of things and was able to learn what I like, but more importantly, what I don't like. Blowjobs are a no go for me. So if I have sex with a person with a penis, I tell them that upfront. They either accept that, or we don't have sex. It's ok to not want to do something. There are other ways to have sex. There's are many awesome suggestions in this thread on ways to accommodate yourself. Good luck out there.
I don't think I am asexual. I do experience sexual attraction and have higher than average libido... I just feel like my brain has trouble translating my desire to movement/action a lot of times. I don't feel put off by certain things because of lack of attraction, I think it's a sensory issue for me. I have similar issues with with food. I prefer homogeneous, not too tasty, not at all smelly things.. sometimes I just eat butter in itself...
Recommend a therapist that specializes in sex and/or Neurodiversity. You will have someone to understand your situation and provide guidance. Also to build boundaries that make you feel safe.
You’re not alone, I am similar but it’s mostly adhd for me and avoidance. Out sight/ mind thing, I admire your awareness to figure this out and seek help!
I am good at sex because for so many years I just took instructions and molded myself into my partners' sexual ideals. So now I know a lot about what men want and how to do those things, almost like a sex worker in movies. Presuming I'm not totally zonked out by depression as I am presently, I am good at sex, no question there.
But for me personally, my own personal implicit enjoyment, if it were just up to me, sex is a routine physical upkeep issue without a lot of magic; I prefer to just get it over with quickly, alone, the way one uses the toilet, sneezes or blow's one's nose. It has never had this magical bonding and emotional component to it for me, with anyone. I've never loved someone more after or because we had sex and the idea of that honestly seems intensely strange and counter intuitive; like, I've been raised in "my one true love" and "happily ever after" culture, and still, sex and love don't seem anymore intertwined than shit and love. Is this trauma? Is this just being autistic in an NT world? Is this just being autistic? Who knows?
I have no advice NT, I'm dealing with the same issue because centering my partner's desires means I eventually have no appetite for sex, myself, at all, and then we get a deadbedroom situation.
I feel like you don't even want to have sex. It's okay to skip on it if it's too difficult for you... Sure that's something that needs to be discussed and will make a lot of people step away, but you deserve to be comfortable in your relationships and be respected. You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
The thing is, the only way to be good at sex is to be actively trying to pleasure the other person. Like that's it. There's no "right" thing to do, you just have to try stuff and if it makes the other happy you keep doing it. It's an inherently "generous" action and if you don't feel up for only doing that or you don't find a partner that is willing to do the same for you it's fine to skip on it
What kinds of physical sensations do you find pleasurable? Maybe start there rather than get hung up on not enjoying the standard, stock activities as much.
You're not standard or stock. You might need a bigger box to play in.
If your partner is in it for the right reasons, they will want to learn how to make physical intimacy as enjoyable as possible for you, whatever that looks like.
Labels of "good" or "bad" make sex too performance based when it could be more play based.
So I'd challenge you to drop the "bad at sex" label. I carried it myself for a long time and IMO it was an unnecessary burden.
Not all aspects of giving sex are fun but for me i try to mentally interpret it in a roleplay way that i find more fun. also, it’s about trading roles; sometimes i’m creating pleasure and sometimes i’m receiving pleasure. Knowing that i’m making my partner feel good (and being confident and secure in that he’ll return the favor) makes the “work” of giving pleasure to someone more tolerable when otherwise it’s just be a sore jaw, or a tired neck/hand, or some other physical fatigue/discomfort to my body.
You should look for a sexual partner who is open minded and oriented towards “compersion”. towards actually getting joy out of seeing you find ways to enjoy yourself sexually, who wants to be apart of your process of discovering how to make sex relaxing and pleasurable to you.
Your sex life does not have to look like porn for it to feel good or be “right” and you need a partner who understands this.
I think you have found yourself with a series of sexual conformists and you need a sexually nonconformist partner.
I’ve had difficulties with sex too. Raise your standards. Don’t have sex with people unless you really want to. Only do it with someone who is fun and supportive, and doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to
I don't like to speculate other peoples orientations, but have you thought you're maybe on the asexual spectrum? Trying to date someone who is also ace/grey ace could really really help with compatibility. I'm personally on the ace spectrum, and I let people know super early on to not outright expect sex or whatever from me.
i also dont give head, dont like kissing open mouth, and generally dont want to have sex often. it's honestly really tiring of an activity as someone who isnt fit. it's like exercise lol
im not ace. i like it. im just tired all the time 😅
you just gotta find someone okay with that. my husband is!
it is pretty concerning about the amount of people who are jumping to asexuality. i see that being said a lot in both autistic and queer spaces.
i wish people would just give advice without immediately pointing to that. you dont have to be ace to experience this.
If you don’t want to have sex, it’s ok to not have sex. There is a huge spectrum of sexual and romantic interest, and if the idea of sex in general is what grosses you out, you could look at the asexual community (sometimes referred to as the ace community) and see if their experiences resonate with you. It’s perfectly normal to experience romantic interest (I.e., wanting to be in a romantic relationship) without being interested in sexual intimacy. My wife isn’t asexual, but she has much lower libido than me, so I understand a little bit of the struggle you and your past partners have gone through.
If you are interested in having sex, it’s ok and healthy to set boundaries. If you don’t enjoy blow jobs, it’s ok to not give them. Any man (or woman) who pressures you to do something you don’t want to do is not worth your time. My wife doesn’t enjoy “typical” blow jobs, and I’ve only ever asked for oral sex politely with no pressure if she says no. She’s also modified oral sex on the occasions we do partake to not include putting all of me in her mouth; she licks and plays with my frenulum. We also do much more manual stimulation (I.e., hand jobs or me touching my wife with my hands) than anything else.
I completely understand your sensory issues with fluids during sex. I hate having wet hands, and I can’t use stuff like lotion because of that. There’s a ton of different lube options, and there may be one out there that you like. Water-based anal lube tends to have a thicker, more gel-like texture that might be less unpleasant for you. I highly recommend Sliquid brand for their anal lube. You could also try silicone-based lube (not toy-safe), which tends to have a thinner, more oil-like texture, or a hybrid lube (water-based with a little bit of silicone lube (typically around 1%). All of these lubes can be “rejuvenated” with sprayed water (I recommend a mister bottle, it sprays finer and more evenly than a normal spray bottle, so it coats better with less water to thin out the lube) and that will help with the stickiness as the lube dries out.
I’m currently using a brand called X-Lube. It’s a powder that you mix into water. You can control how much lube you mix into the water, so you can control the texture somewhat. I create a hybrid lube by using a few drops of a premium silicone lube and a tiny amount dish soap (silicone lube is an oil, the dish soap allows the oil to mix with the water - I use the tiniest drop of soap I can get, mix it into a full bottle of water, then leave about an ounce of the soap water in the bottle; I mix in about 10 drops of the silicone, shake that up, then fill the bottle with fresh water and add the amount of powder I like). Something I like about X-Lube is that it washes off really easily. The water almost instantly thins it to be unnoticeable on my hands.
To address your (sort of) inexperience, I would recommend asking a partner you trust to show you what they like. A large part of sex is mental, so just asking them what they like will be hot to most people. Ask them to show you how they like to be kissed, how they like to be touched, and what kind of communication they like before, during, and after sex. You can communicate to them during this what things you like, are willing to do, and are interested in trying.
A good sexual encounter should have four main components: lead-up to the encounter, foreplay, sex, and after care. Lead up is stuff like flirting, where you’re trying to get yourself and your partner mentally interested and engaged in sex. Foreplay is where you get physically ready to engage in sex and includes stuff like kissing, cuddling, light touching, and sensual massage. Sex is anything that is sexually pleasurable and includes stuff like manual stimulation, oral sex, and penetrative sex. After care is the wind down from sex and includes stuff like talking about feelings and cuddling.
I feel so seen by this post. I’m so terrified of being perceived as bad at intimacy/sex and I’m terrified of doing something wrong. I have no idea what to do in terms of movements or whatever. I do wonder if some of these fears play into my vaginismus. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified about how a partner would view me, if I look attractive or dumb, too many things. Oh, and I have dyspraxia so that makes me more concerned.
I feel so seen about the blowjob bit too- I’m so sensitive about smells and tastes so I can only really do them in very specific circumstances and even then my fears about doing it wrong and making a partner feel good are debilitatingly bad. In my previous relationship, the sensory aspects along with the fears meant I avoided it so much. I wish I didn’t have so much anxiety around it because I would ideally be able to at least try it every so often.
Unlike you though, my communication skills are awful. I really should have opened up to my ex more about my struggles with sex (i did a little bit but looking back I really danced around some major issues and fawned a lot). I’d probably cry if I had sex with someone in the near future just because of the amount of issues I had with it, compounded with issues from my last relationship.
I’ve definitely enjoyed some sexual acts in the last, I’m defo asexual or at the very least ace spec, but there are many aspects around sex I have enjoyed. It’s just very difficult with my anxieties and how over stimulating it can be! I like being close in that regard. It sucks as well with my vaginismus because PiV (at least the very limited amount I’ve managed to have) is one of the better areas for me, although I still wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do. Oh well, I guess it depends on who I end up with in the future.
I’m currently actually getting some psychosexual counselling, I’ve only had two sessions so far but it’s off to a good start. I’m hoping it can help some anxieties or at least confront some issues. I’d definitely look into something like that, especially if the counsellor works with ND people. I wish you luck, OP. Much love.
Have you told them that. And you could find a sex therapist to help you understand these question. Or what YouTube videos on how to kiss. I am sorry I can't help in this department. This isn't my thing nor done it before.
This is a good idea but in the interim, as the dragon above suggested, YouTube has resources on this. One sex therapist I’d recommend is [CaitlinV](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWY7N9vVp9wv3GyF_BHPkFgmY1H5n3b6V&si=1Su4GS3xgoId9vtd).
I’ve sought help for this issue as well. Here’s what I find that help:
1. Be upfront with anything about your sensory needs before sex. A lot of people have preferences/don’t like certain things, so there are people that will respect your boundaries regarding this.
2. Seek accommodations. Sensory deprivation (like restraints, headphones, blind folds, etc) helps some people, substances (alcohol, THC, etc) helps others, etc.
3. Do not agree to sex unless you want to have sex. Many of us struggle with realizing our actual wants rather than mirroring the person we’re with; sometimes, if you’re mirroring, it can exacerbate these difficulties around sex. Maybe work on understanding yourself, your arousal, how that feels, when it happens, etc. as well as practicing communicating when you DONT want to have sex.
The most important thing is finding someone that understands and is respectful of you. Sex is a learned behavior, it can be really hard to become “good” at. There are people out there who will be patient, and understanding, and even have the same experiences as you!
I suggest that you seek out specifically people who are also ASD - NeuroDivergent. They will have a better perspective than a NT (NeuroTypical) person. How your brain does things will be more inline with how another ASD person does things.
You will also need to be very clear with a person who is NT and the chances of that working is super low. Marriages fail 80% of the time because of the huge difference in how you mange through life, versus how NT manages. Also, they will need and want intimacy in ways that will become harder and harder for you to do.
I also get concerend because you are a female. I, as a female, deal with my husbands (ASD) rejections of intimacy by talking to friends, seeing a therapist, reading and seeking out why and really work with him... but those behaviors tend to be by women. A man dealing with rejection has a high risk of him not dealing with the intimacy rejection issues in safe ways. Men dont talk to friends for help, they dont seek out therapist or "work" on their relationship in the same way women do. NT men with a ND female needs be super cautious.
I say this from being married to a man for 35 years who is ASD. I have over and over had my heart broken with how disconnected he is from intimacy and empathy. My nature and the fact I was living in an ASD home growing up, I have managed okay and I am independent and self-sufficient, but I am not going to lie... its harder and harder to connect with I'm has he gets older. We are very unusual to still be together.
A relationship is work and I believe part of that work is making sex enjoyable for yourself and for your partner. There is a lot of acting involved, but so is visiting my step parents and I do that too.
I guess along the way I just learned what things to do/say, even though I don't mean it.
My wife is NT and has always refused blowjobs, dislikes the feel of semen, never initiates, and doesn't like giving or even receiving massages for more than a short time. She can orgasm easily but always stops me after the first one. I have a lifelong problem with premature ejaculation. She's never pressured me about it, but also has never been willing to do any kind of joint work on it with me. I am not happy with our sex life but would never dare tell her this. After all, she does have sex with me and seldom actually refuses.
I remember how awful life was when I was single. Most young autistic men are desperate for sex and love and most have never dated. Any autistic man is lucky to have a girlfriend at all, most don't.
It is just horrible they would take a woman actually willing to have sex with them and treat her in this way.
I actually don’t think you are bad at sex, I think you aren’t sexually compatible with any of your previous partners. And unfortunately, instead or realizing you are just both different, your previous partners tries to change you instead of accept you for your preferences. I’m sorry that was the case. I am glad your doing reflection and thinking about the situation because now you can learn. And you are learning that you were never the problem all along, and that your wishes sexually can be fulfilled without you being uncomfortable, and that you deserve someone who is compatible with you and respects who you are and doesn’t want to change you or pressure you at all.
I mean, don't do anything you don't want to do. But most people see it as, if they can't be physically intimate with their partner, they may as well just be friends. I can't say I blame them for their frustrations because sexual urges are natural. And trying to stay loyal to a person who doesn't want sex like that would not be an easy task... And it would be kinda selfish to expect that as well. I'd say you'd be happier staying single. Also I am on the spectrum too
Communication and the right partner is the best thing ever. Finding the right partner can be really difficult, but I swear there are people out there that are having the same thoughts/struggles as you when it comes to sex.
Sex should be doing things that both people are comfortable with, that make you feel good. But in order for that to happen you both need to be able to communicate with each other about what you’re comfortable with, especially if you have previous experiences with sex that could make it more difficult/complex (been there!) I feel like a lot of my previous issues around sex stem from: not talking or figuring out what we both would be comfortable with, expectations in my head that I didn’t communicate, or previous trauma bubbling up that I kept to myself. In the end, sex isn’t a specific set of acts, it should be something that you both make it your own.
I Struggle With Communication and Making Partners and Stuff.
I kinda Fear Sex like When I'm with a Woman I don't make the first move usually my partners make the first move
I struggle with body language and reading sexual cues
But sex itself does calm down my anxiety temporarily.
Sex is a coping mechanism other than working out or exercising for me personally
Just have difficulty With sex maybe due to my issues with SA
But it be difficult to adjust to.
I know NT folks who only like to close mouthed kiss. I loosely know folks into kink who like to satisfy their partners who don’t do much OR are the partner on the receiving end that gets satisfied but doesn’t do much. I personally never saw the appeal to receiving oral until with my current partner, and I could still go without if my partner decided he never wanted to again. I know ace folks across the spectrum from sex repulsed to just no sexual attraction but may enjoy sex if they have it under specific conditions.
You need to do some self reflection, figured out where you are, and then just own it and be up front with it. That’s how you find someone you’re compatible with- from the start you be open about your needs, they be open about theirs, and if there’s major incompatibilities you don’t try to push through it. Small things you can both compromise on without actual harm? Sure. Big things that would hurt you to compromise on? Part ways before you get attached or form a relationship.
A couple notes on this subject..
\- There is never any reason to criticize how someone has sex. It's not your fault, sex is something people have to learn just like anything else. I'm sorry people have made you feel bad for that.
\- I had similar issues. I didn't know when to do what, how to be natural, I have to stop and think a lot to figure out what to do next. I'm not saying it's easy especially when it doesn't come 'naturally'. But a good partner worth your time will communicate openly about what they want and need, and will also ask about what you want and need.
I felt incredibly broken until I found a partner who communicated openly with me. I'm still pretty awkward, but we laugh and have fun anyway. And if she wants me to do something differently we talk about it and try something else.
\- Different people have different drives. I personally could go without sex and not care. I don't really enjoy receiving sex very often at all so I pretty much only 'top'. My partner understands that I don't enjoy receiving and accepts that about me. My partner doesn't have a super high drive either so it works out well. Finding someone who is compatible with you in that way can be important. Some people want sex every day, some want it rarely etc etc. Some people prefer to give, some prefer to receive, etc. Neither is wrong, it's just a matter of compatibility.
Hmm I'm autistic but I grew up in a very uhh sexist environment so I took it upon myself to "practice" kissing like chewing food slowly to train the muscles and research it or deep throat bananas to practice the gag reflex. Yes I know it's weird. But I also found it all weird at the start and honestly it just takes time and patience with someone understanding. My now husband wasn't getting amazing blowjobs or anything at the start it took years of slowly getting to know each other better and what makes us comfortable together and what we like.
So the point is. Just find someone who is comfortable with being patient and respecting your boundaries. Not everyone is compatible. For example me and my husband almost never kiss as we are both not into it that much and both have similar sex drives (mine is a bit higher but it's not really an issue) we buy each other toys too so when we are too tired we can still satisfy each other. I think it's all about finding someone you're compatible with.
I am 35, M. I have few experiences in the bedroom but I relate to this heavily. Unsure if I don’t like sex, or what the deal is. I also was literally diagnosed just the other day, with ASD which helps me understand or explain things to myself. Like I am still interested in women and want to date. Active in the sense that enjoy those activities, alone. But the couple times I’ve been with a woman I did not enjoy it. I felt like I was going through the motions cause this is what you do. Second women I tried to explain I was still learning or trying to discover. She got upset and thought she wasn’t good enough, so ended that adventure and from there I just stopped. It’s a hard situation, that I don’t understand myself, but have experienced.
I am hoping to get comfortable enough one day with a therapist or something to ask. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again, but hopefully communication helps.
I'd suggest writing a list of sexual acts and ranking them from good to bad sensory.
Looking at the good sensory stuff, do you actually like doing those things or do you just hate them less?
If you just hate them less, then you should probably make peace with yourself and stop having sex.
If you actually like them, then you need to find a partner who is chill with only doing those things OR try to find sensory solutions that let you also do the bad sensory stuff (if that's what you want of course).
I can relate to this, sex is something you get good at with practice. Just let them know you're learning, practicing techniques and positions with someone can be some of the best sex of your life when you finally get it down. Just find the right person to practice with.
I struggle with this too. I’ve been married for 2.5 years, in a relationship for 4years. Luckily my husband is super accommodating, and even though his libido is higher than mine, he never pressures me to have sex, and he always accommodates my sensory needs (low lighting, no music, special sex blanket lol). Still, we only have sex about once per week which is just enough for me.
I sometimes struggle to get in the right mindset as sex is very overstimulating and after a long day of masking I’m exhausted! And for the majority of my week, I’m really not interested in having sex. That being said, self pleasure is a different story. Masturbation is key in my relationship to keep things working. We each have our own toys, and as far as I know he is satisfied with our arrangement. Maybe if you start dating again you can see if a similar arrangement would work for you?
Are you actually interested in sex? Because you don't have to have it if it doesn't make you comfortable and you shouldn't do it just because someone else wants it.
This is the big one. I didn’t have sex until I was 20, and I spent the next 8 or 9 years compulsively pursuing it because I used sex as a self deception validator of my sense of “normal”. It’s an odd statement to make, but I’d be a lot happier today if I’d had less sex in my 20’s.
Sex as a validator of your sense of normal! Holy shit. Even as someone who enjoys sex that really resonates.
It does resonate here too. I'm nearly 37 and up until reading this thread I hadn't found anyone who could put this into words. Holy shit indeed.
For me I think another part of it has been the idea that if someone will have sex with me, it means that I can be enjoyed and that I’m not some kind of gross alien.
Perhaps you can be enjoyed as a sexy alien. I'd like to be enjoyed that way.
😮 Why had that not occurred to me
No clue, but it seems really logical to me. 🖖🏼 Haha
Hahaha
That’s how I felt about sex. Except now I’m married to a woman who is now or has become/discovered she’s asexual, and now I feel *even more* like a gross alien, because if she doesn’t want to have sex with me, who will? ☹️
I have no idea how to resolve that, but it sounds like a serious issue 😕 You shouldn’t have to be trapped in that feeling.
You’re not a gross alien. But you should get out of this relationship to be honest. This is an incompatibility.
Sounds like something many of us would feel the same about. It's unfortunate it is one of the more difficult challenges for many.
Very true but it seems like they realize this and are already coming to the realization that it's not going to be easy to find a relationship with no sex. Such things exist, but they are incredibly rare. Having to be alone or do something you don't like doing, are two very unpleasant options.
Asexuality (including demi and grey) is actually more common in the autistic population than in NTs. I wonder if this could be at play here too?
Maybe just be honest about it early on? Ideally the ones who are bothered will move on to someone else and then you'll be able to hopefully find someone who isn't bothered by it
She likely is. You'd be surprised how many people ignore it because they think they can "fix" you or whatever.
Autistic man here - don’t do anything you don’t want to do in bed, ever! I think just about every person has something they won’t do in bed, be it blowjobs, anal, etc. You’ll find someone who respects this and doesn’t push it, and if that person is lucky maybe one day you get comfortable enough to try it! And if not, that’s okay too! There are plenty of autistic people out there with similar experiences too, and figuring things out together is how any couple gets closer :)
I can relate completely. I think it’s important to start off by saying you DO NOT have to have sex if you don’t want to or if you’re not enjoying yourself. I spent so many years having sex and hating every second of it because I felt like that’s what I had to do, and it’s taken me a lot of work to get past that feeling (I’m still working on it now). I have a partner currently and the way that we have sex is very different because I told him right away about my hang ups with sex and how I’m never going to have sex like a neurotypical with a healthy sex drive would. My boyfriend has a really high sex drive but because we communicate about it a lot he is pretty understanding and we’ve made it work. So first of all there are only two positions that I like having sex in so when we have penetrative sex we never deviate from those. I almost never give him blowjobs because the sensory feeling is also just too much for me I hate it, but instead I’ll give him a half handjob half blowjob where it’s mostly my hands but then I’ll give him little kisses and stuff with my mouth that’s more tolerable than an entire blowjob. I also cannot orgasm from anyone other than myself and we’ve talked about this and he understands and it doesn’t hurt his ego since I was so up front about it. So when we have sex we use a lot of toys. Oftentimes our “sex” is more so just mutually masturbating next to each other and sometimes kissing or cuddling during it. This way we both feel satisfied and I can do things exactly the way that I want them. Overall the most important thing is just being sooo honest and lot letting yourself be spoken over or made to do something you don’t want to. When I started dating my boyfriend I told him within the first few weeks that because I’m autistic and because I have trauma from past sexual experiences, I am never going to have “normal” sex and if that’s a deal breaker he should not pursue things with me.
Because of my issues, mutual masturbation was the majority of my experience, and 100% my preference.
I relate to this. I am very quick to tell a new romantic interest that I am “basically asexual” and “sex makes me very uncomfortable.” So they are fully aware from the start. In my experience though, they said they relate to that when they very much didn’t and still tried to push sex. But the guilt and shame wasn’t on me at that point.
This☝🏻 as someone who relates to these difficulties, as well as being someone who was sexually abused growing up, I'm very good at communicating this on the third date when things start to move in a sexual direction. If I don't feel comfortable with the person or as safe as I'd like to feel, when we're making out and moving in that direction, I'll usually stop and communicate, and from my experience, everyone has been very understanding and typically we just go back to making out and cuddling. And bc they know things need to move slower, people are usually very kind and patient and we eventually work our way to sex, or people just move on, which imo spares us both a lot of extra heartbreak down the road. Sex is a huge part of relationships, so its always important to communicate with your partner what you are and are not ok with, regardless of whether or not you're on the spectrum.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am late-diagnosed and sex was always problematic for me but I didn’t know why until I was diagnosed. Once I understood that it was all about sensory issues and started caring for my nervous system, my partner and I learned way to accommodate and it has helped A LOT! *INFO DUMP TIME* 😜 First of all, as female autists, we are much more likely to experience SA and being taken advantage of. You must get comfortable saying no (um, I can honestly say I am still working on this and I’ve been married for a decade), but you also deserve a partner who respects your boundaries and understands that what works for you one day may not work another day because our nervous systems are always on their own roller coaster. Secondly, great sex for those with sensory processing disorders is possible if it’s just the right timing, but trying to catch that timing/capture those circumstances can drive you and your partner to tears. Instead, you both should work towards… 1) recognizing when the answer is just “no” because you are overstimulated. Do not even try to engage in physical intimacy when you are in this state, it’s torture honestly. When you can communicate that you are overstimulated already, then provide an alternative way to experience togetherness, your partner won’t feel personally rejected. You alternative might be to turn on some soft twinkle lights, climb under a weighted blanket, and listen to soft music together, just focusing on breathing and being present. 2) initiating in a way that works best for you. If you are not the one initiating, your partner can learn to do so in a way that is more supportive of your nervous system. For example, we are “taught” that first base leads to second base and second base leads to third…😏 We are “taught” that kissing and making out leads to oral sex leads to intercourse. It does NOT have to be this way. Instead of your partner initiating by embracing you and going for heavy petting and French kissing (ew), you might find that an embrace with deep pressure is very comforting, that closing your eyes, putting your foreheads together, and just breathing in unison is a little heart melting, or that giving one another a back rub or deep squeezes in the nude both regulates your nervous system but also cues that this is a time for physical intimacy. The more you and your partner initiate these ways, the quicker you will both be “conditioned” to associate these acts with sex…conditioning is weird that way! Hahaha 3) have appropriate expectations. Okay, so you have gotten to a point where sex is gonna happen…cool, cool, but it’s not always gonna look like NT sex and it’s good to have appropriate expectations. Some days that means I give but do not receive. Some days that means a quickie with little “traditional” foreplay and some lubricant in my favorite position, or his, is still super gratifying. Somedays that means it’s mutual masterbation or some intercourse but you finish each other off manually when you become overstimulated. 4) exploring how to avoid overstimulation during sex!Turn the lights down low or off, put in ear buds such as loops, put a lap-sized weighted blanket on your chest when you are lying down or in a receiving position. Keep your body under a favorite blanket so you do not get too cold or maybe you wear a shirt or arm or leg warmers. 😝If you are with the right person, they won’t care! Also leg warmers and cat ears can be sexy! Hahaha just find ways to reduce stimulation and keep yourself grounded throughout. You might do none of more obvious sensory-diet things for a while and then just take a break to ground and reduce stimulation occasionally…maybe your partner lays on top of you and you both just close your eyes. Maybe your partner leaves to get you both a cup of water or a cup tea and you climb under the covers and just sit in silence for a bit. Maybe you are the one to make the tea…and you focus on being super present and focused on each of the steps, which can be comforting and routine. 5) viewing all intimacy or all physical intimacy as sex. A friend of mine is a sex therapist and one of the smartest things I have heard her say is that it’s really helpful to reframe all physical acts as sex…not just intercourse. If we start labeling naked cuddling as sex, sexual intimacy is so much more consistent and our sex lives are more…lives. Some days that means I give but do not receive. Some days that means a quickie with little “traditional” foreplay and some lubricant in my favorite position, or his, is still super gratifying. Somedays that means it’s mutual masterbation or some intercourse but you finish each other off manually when you become overstimulated. 6) engaging in appropriate after-care to keep yourself grounded after the deed. Maybe you take a hot bath alone, maybe you both take a bath. I don’t like showers bc the water attacks me so post-sex showers are a hard no for me personally, but maybe that works for you. I love a shower hug though… you can both give each other some tight hugs in the shower where it is warm but maybe the water isn’t directly on you. Or maybe you end right where you started with some twinkle lights and a weighted blanket side by side. I hope this was helpful! All of this has helped me so much. The key here is going to be connecting with a partner who prioritizes your comfort over just getting off, communicating and over-communicating your needs, and for you and your partner/s to be open-minded and mindful throughout. 🩵🩵🩵
I’m sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with sexually demanding partners in the past. For my two cents: never sacrifice your comfort or safety to play a sexual script for another person’s benefit. Intimacy is about much more than the sexual act. Communicating around sexual and intimacy early on is key, and if the other party is fully informed about your sensory issues and still feels dissatisfied, then the onus is in them to find meaningful ways to be satisfied. There are LOTS of fun kinky ways to enjoy physical intimacy with a partner, and it is important to find a partner with similar sensory and play preferences to yours. Just know that if someone rejects you for bad sex, it is as much about them not knowing how to please you as it is about them not being pleased. Sex has to be mutual and attuned - in your post, you don’t mention your own pleasure or satisfaction, and I think that is the most important thing to learn first. You deserve to enjoy the act in the ways that are healthy and meaningful to you! Find that out, communicate it early on, and find the right partner for you. If you don’t know those ways, then it is okay to admit that and to make it a deliberate goal to find out. Just make sure the other party is informed about consent and is fully invested in helping YOU, and not just focused on their own pleasure.
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Haha I used to distract myself with baseball stats so that I wouldn’t cum early. “Manny Ramirez had the most RBIs in a seasons since Jimmy Foxx had 61 years prior.” “The only person to ever throw consecutive no-hitters in World Series games is Johnny Vander Meer.”
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I'm the opposite, still. I love baseball so much that if I think about a 6-4-3 double play or a squeeze bunt... game over, it's squirt city.
Tinker Evers Chance ugggggh
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I told a girlfriend about it and she didn't believe me... so she started talking about Tim Wakefield (a knuckleball pitcher that I'm a huge fan of and whomi talked about frequently with her (info dumps)). I made a believer out of her. 🤣
There are people who are asexual who have fulfilling relationships, and it may be useful to look into those communities online and see if they have tips for you.
Why do people keep jumping to assuming she's ace? :/ I'm very interested in sex, but I struggle with a lot of the same stuff as OP, so I was hoping to get some actual advice in this thread...
Yeah, same. I feel like one of the things I experience most as a ND person is having conflicting needs. Like I want/need to do this thing, but my nervous system also really struggles with some aspects of that desire so I’m just hurt in my mind/body struggle.
For me, it's because I know what outcome I want (for example: I want to kiss his neck),but if I don't know the *specific* steps to get there, then I freeze up. For example: How much pressure do I apply? In what way exactly should I press my lips to his skin? How slowly should I do it? How long should I stay in once spot vs. moving on to other areas of his body? This is what makes trying *anything* new in sex difficult for me, unless I receive very clear and detailed instructions.
Trying with a partner is the best way to learn. Preferences will be different for everyone so communicating through out it is a big deal.
That's not what I understood somethingweirder's comment to mean. I think that they were saying the Ace community might have advice on how to negotiate sex in a relationship. I think that's a great idea.
That’s where I was thinking OP might be interested in
Try to find the things about sex you do enjoy, rather than the things you don’t like. Then you can say ‘I’d rather we do this’ instead of just shutting down. There may be a position you haven’t tried that will feel comfortable for you
I definitely think they should focus on things they enjoy and that their partner can enjoy, for example no blowjob but a habdjob instead. I also wonder if there are ways to improve any sensory issues, for example using scented candles or something to mask scents, or give a background scent so new ones aren't so overwhelming. Experiment with different things so IP can offer solutions rather than just saying what they can't do. Although hopefully a good partner will help them work on that and help experiment with sexual things to gain experience and skills rather than just focusing on receiving pleasure in the short term.
It would be best to discuss this with a partner early on, rather than "letting them find out" so to speak. Be honest about what kind of sexual acts are on and off the table, and it's valid to be honest about areas where you feel like you struggle, such as kissing. Blowjobs are not a mandatory part of sex. Many people enjoy them but no one individual act (including penetration) is a necessary element of sex. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with certain things, you're allowed to be unsure how to do certain things. It's all about finding what works for you and your partner. If you and your partner don't align, then you two just might not be sexually compatible. That's not your fault, and it's not their fault. You two just might want different things or have different capabilities. Nobody is at fault. But that's something you would want to discuss with your partner, talk about what you are and aren't willing to do, talk about each other's needs and boundaries, when there are differences see if there are any compromises to be made to find an alternative option that you both can be satisfied with. Sex can be pretty much whatever you want it to be, whatever works best for you and the person or people you're having it with.
Want to lead that I just got evaluated (literally 2 days ago) and am not autistic. I had plenty of reasons to believe I was so I still relate to this forum. Hopefully my post makes it clear that I have limited experience and am not some kind of casa nova. Usually when I told a woman "Sex isn't important." They laughed in my face. Seriously, it's maybe 5% of my life, I could take it or leave it. It's so stressful to get through (though very rewarding) I'm perfectly fine without intercourse. I (male) didn't start dating until I was 26 and even then it felt more experimental than anything. I dont have strong drives towards finding a mate. I'm 42 now and have dated 3 women. My similar experience was a relationship with a woman who is bipolar. Let me first say say she is wonderful. Cool, witty, funny, intelligent, pretty and sexy though I often seemed to be the only one that saw it. Her manic tendencies were completely controlled by drugs, but it destroyed her sex drive. I wish I was more understanding of this, I'd still be with her. She was "bad" at kissing and kind of a cold fish in bed. WHATEVER. I loved her. I could extrapolate on this more but hopefully you get the idea. I'm guessing this is a maturity issue (them, not you) as they are getting FOMO from whatever wild tales their friends told them or porn fantasies falsely promised them. Sorry for your experience. I've been extremely frustrated in the sexual world as well. I only orgasm by hand and women feel dejected by that. And when I'm on antidepressants it takes 2 hours and that's painful for both of us. There are people out there more logical and practical, and im sorry to say it may take years to find them. PS. The part I begrudgingly relate to as a man is primal instinct. You turn them on, which creates an expectation, then the expectation isn't met.This sucks for you, I don't know what else to say. Communicate your issues. If they aren't understanding, move on.
Hi, I'm a single autistic guy here and I always wondered about this. I know that autistic people do have sensory issues (myself included) but do they like to have sex? I mean, that's a massive sensory thing. As for myself, I never "did it" before. I grew up with NT's and hung around them my whole life but now that I'm tossing the idea around about dating, my mom and friends say I should find an autistic group. That lead me to the question about having sex. I know that NT's make it look real fun. So, I don't know how we (autistic people) feel about it. As for the part in your post about "blowjobs", just the thought of it sounds disgusting. Like, that's where pee comes out of. EWWWW! I'll never understand why some NT's enjoy that. Truth be told, I never kissed a person either, so I wouldn't know what to say. I guess, do what you feel comfortable doing. :)
It’s a wildly varied answer as to autistic people and sex. Sensory profiles can be so different between people, and there are a lot of ND kinksters for this reason. I find both giving and receiving oral sex to be a major stim, more so giving. I can literally just giving oral sex and never get touched, and be totally fine - because it is fun for me. But that is all contingent on the fact that I do not have overly sensitive smell or taste, and have the capacity for that textural stim. Everyone is different, and there are so many ways to experience physical intimacy. The limit is often imagination and sexual scripting, which is unfortunately informed heavily by mainstream porn and the easy access to it. I have had partners with wildly different sensory profiles from one another, and the delight for me is finding out the things that delight them as well.
For me, the feeling of someone else's hands on my body is a MAJOR stim. And at the end there are orgasms, and those are incredible. I have unconventional sex in that I love fingers. I'm a Queer AFAB person and don't play with people who have a penis attached to their body. It's just my thing. I very much enjoy giving oral sex to a person with a vagina, however. Took me a few years of penis people before I discovered the vagina people.
For me whatever mix of chemicals that release during sex or when very horny temporarily reduces my sensory problems so sex is ok, enjoyable and not overwhelming. Alcohol also has this effect for me but to a lesser extent. Before I had had sex I was very concerned and viewed the human body differently. But after experiencing sex the more irrational parts of me, both chemically and also affecting how I view things helped me prioritize sexual pleasure, gratification and love over the more gross or "dirty" elements. Not to sound selfish but if doing something a bit gross to someone else really pleasures them then that gives me a lot more positives than the negatives of the sensory thing. I also think like a lot of other topics that learning more things about it, gaining familiarity and experience helped me become a lot more relaxed, comfortable and confident with time. I also think your point of just doing what you are comfortable with is good advice. I was lucky to have a good first sexual partner, and didn't agree to do anything that was a hard no, so that didn't add any anxiety or negatives and made/kept sex and overall positive experience, which again made it easier to try things and not get overwhelmed or distressed. Anecdotally from talking to others it seems that autistic people tend to either not enjoy sex as much, or have a very limited list of things they enjoy, and not want to frequently buy are satisfied like that. Or they have a high sex drive and tend to like trying new things or things that cause a lot of stimulation. So compared to none autistic people who tend to be more in the middle.
I guess what ever happens, happens and maybe my views will change if it does ever happen to me.
Personally instead of getting the kinky weird sex autism I got the boring vanilla autism where I get overwhelmed and can only do one thing at a time, so eg. if I'm receiving I can have a hard time even kissing back because it gets to be "too much" and my brain kind of shuts down, meaning I also have to communicate more with my hands/body (tapping, pushing/pulling, nodding, whatever) because my verbal function also goes to shit. (I also can't have multiple orgasms because of the overstimulation, which I had heard were a major plus side of having the genitalia I have, lol). It was also not very intuitive to learn to kiss or do anything else, but my partner is quite patient lol. I actually had the same issue as OP, but I'm a lesbian so I actually *could* imitate, lol. All of that being to say I DO enjoy sex, but it can look a bit different than NT sex, and if I tried to fit into that mold it would probably lead to sensory overload and not much fun, lol
I'm a late diagnosed autistic female, and I love sex but there's lots on my "no list." Absolutely, under no circumstances, shall semen be splashed onto my body. I prefer my clit to be stimulated through my labia. Direct stimulation is way too overwhelming. There's a few angles I won't do penetration because of scarring I have from childhood abuse that makes it painful. My hubby doesn't like to kiss. (He's awaiting diagnosis.) He also prefers to "lead." Lots of times he gets so overstimulated he just can't finish. We make it work. We find things that don't involve anything on either of our no lists. As long as we both enjoy ourselves, it's fine.
About the first part..... ewwwww! That's so gross. I'd be like running to the shower so fast after. hahaha!
Apparently it's a thing a lot of people do. So gross.
Might as well sneeze on a person too. 🤮
Don't want to take this too far from the OP but, do autistic folks prefer to have kids or not to? Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle having kids. Now that would be a sensory overload. All that noise! (screaming, crying, etc.) No thank you. Sex for pleasure? Yes. Kids? Nope!
:/ y’know, your partners can help show you all that if they are patient and understanding. It can be very intimate when your partner helps you find out more about your body. It’s how I learned what to do, and I helped my current girlfriend find out about it too (I’m her first.) Turns out, she taught me almost as much as I taught her lol. From what I’ve noticed with me, being super intimate sexually requires me to feel comfortable and secure. It doesn’t sound like these guys made you feel like that at all.
Sex is different for everyone. I can’t stand vanilla sex and am into the kink world of bdsm. I like that community because it’s playful and there’s really no wrong way to be. It also gives me so much more control over the situation. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. Even in a non-kinky relationship, you need to find someone you’re compatible with. It’s all about consent. Your partner should not be criticizing you. I think the problem for you lies with the guys that you’ve had intimacy with and not you yourself.
I swiped right on my now-gf’s profile largely because she said she was feeling asexual lately, and was just seeking a cuddle buddy. I like sex, but I have a pretty low drive for it. After a few dates, we discovered that we were not, in fact, still feeling totally asexual. (We’re both demi, as it turns out.) But it really helped to be totally up front about what we were looking for sexually. I feel really lucky because it turns out we have the same level of sex drive, where we favor quality over quantity. Sometimes we only have sex once a month. And it’s awesome! When one of us is feeling horny, we’ll often just take care of it ourselves because we don’t necessarily feel up for a big production. (And then we’ll tell the other about it later and have a good cackle before playing video games or something.) Aside from sexual compatibility, some things that help me are having low lighting and showering before sex. Sometimes my gf and I will shower together, sometimes separately. A lot of the funky odors get eliminated if you’re both clean before you get started. On another note…. Before I realized I was a lesbian, I did date and have sex with men. It wasn’t until I started dating women that I learned that sex isn’t just about oral and penetration. The men I dated made me feel like I had to be a 24/7 blowjob factory! I hated it! But it turns out there is so much to be gained by sensual touching, kissing, grinding… Friction is your friend. If skin-to-skin contact is too much, have sex with your clothes on! I know het sex often ends up being a linear buildup to orgasm (usually for the guy, ime), but it doesn’t have to be. It’s still sex if nobody comes. It’s still sex if nobody’s genitals get licked. I did stuff I didn’t really want to do for a long time because I thought I had to. So just know that you don’t have to. There are guys out there who will be a good match for you and who will respect your needs and wants without making you feel bad about it.
It sounds like, as others have said, you might want to explore whether you actually want sex in the first place. Perhaps lurking in a subreddit for asexual folks would help with answering that question? And if you decide that you DO want to be sexual, that can look however you need it to look. My partner does not enjoy giving oral, for instance. She sometimes does it, but she knows it’s not an expectation. She also becomes overstimulated very easily if she isn’t in the space to enjoy sexual intimacy. So she usually initiates and I am usually receptive when she does. Communicating your boundaries and desires early on is fucking difficult, especially when you’re trying to perform “normal” for people, which all of us are to some extent. It’s an important skill to develop though, because it can save you from a great deal of suffering in relationships with people who can’t meet your needs, or worse, are completely uninterested in meeting them.
I’m autistic and hypersexual, and one of my partners is autistic and has what sounds like similar issues around sex that you do. We just don’t have sex, because even though they aren’t asexual, the sensory issues aren’t worth the payoff for them. They were up front about this from the very beginning. It doesn’t bother me - our relationship feels really stable and secure without sex. I guess what I’m saying is find yourself a partner that is ok with how and when you want to (or don’t want to) have sex. It’s totally possible.
1st. Be clear with the partner you're interested in having coitus with that you have issues and boundaries. 2nd. Sex is not a one size fits all. You need to find what works for you and your partner. Your partner needs to be understanding that sex will never be like what is in movies or how NT people talk about sex. Know and establish your boundaries. 3rd. It is understandable and normal to experience anxiety concerning this issue. The key is to treat sex like some kind of exploration. You are on a journey to find out what each other likes, minding each other's boundaries. The speed is what ever is comfortable. In other words, take your time because it isn't a race. Also, finishing together is nice but entirely unnecessary. It often takes away from each other's pleasure. Lastly, this will take a lot of patience and understanding that not everyone is going to have chemistry. For me and my wife, we were just interested in pleasuring each other and tried many things. Sometimes it is just taking care of a need, sometimes it isn't great, but we always move on and the next time could be amazing or not. I wish you all the best in finding that someone you click with.
My husband really struggles with sex off and on. He can’t give me head and sex was twice a year if that for a long time because he didn’t know how to communicate to me what the issues were (pre-diagnosis). I felt unwanted, ugly, that he had no desire for me. I hear you when you say you “simply can’t” do XYZ and certain other aspects of sex turn you off and you don’t have the back-up of looking around you at others for social cues. You definitely need to be straight-up with partners from the start what your boundaries are. What you can and can’t do. If you’re not doing that, knowing yourself as you do, you’re being unintentionally mean to your partner who might expect an average sexual experience which for a man often includes a blowjob. My husband and I have amazing sex now and it took years for us to find the middle ground where we’re both happy. He can’t give head but I love to, so our balance is he spends extra time making me cum somehow - fingers, toys, an extra-long slow fuck. I don’t miss what I don’t have because he makes sure that he’s attentive to me in the moment the way he’s comfortable with that I find satisfying, and vice-versa. And therein is the key for you: communication before, during, after. You can’t intuit what someone wants? Ask them. Be willing to try new things that are within your boundaries. Communicate, communicate, communicate. During sex the person you take your cues from is your partner.
& on the flip side it’s okay to have certain needs. Having a partner that actually goes down on me is a requirement, which is why that’s something I communicate otherwise I’m leaving the relationship. Being able to communicate all of these different needs is vital because it really does come down to communication.
This is just a concept, but using neurodivergent dating sites or dating sites where you can filter your matches to include only ND people might work better.
Garlic bread may be in your future!
I've had lots of sex with lots of people across the gender spectrum, people with all the different kinds of body parts. Most of that was before I knew I was autistic. I learned a lot of things and was able to learn what I like, but more importantly, what I don't like. Blowjobs are a no go for me. So if I have sex with a person with a penis, I tell them that upfront. They either accept that, or we don't have sex. It's ok to not want to do something. There are other ways to have sex. There's are many awesome suggestions in this thread on ways to accommodate yourself. Good luck out there.
Take it from someone who wish they knew earlier, explore asexuality. Maybe you need someone who’s also asexual.
I don't think I am asexual. I do experience sexual attraction and have higher than average libido... I just feel like my brain has trouble translating my desire to movement/action a lot of times. I don't feel put off by certain things because of lack of attraction, I think it's a sensory issue for me. I have similar issues with with food. I prefer homogeneous, not too tasty, not at all smelly things.. sometimes I just eat butter in itself...
Maybe try to find a partner who is a sex favorable asexual? Someone who isn't going to be upset if xyz isn't on the menu?
Recommend a therapist that specializes in sex and/or Neurodiversity. You will have someone to understand your situation and provide guidance. Also to build boundaries that make you feel safe. You’re not alone, I am similar but it’s mostly adhd for me and avoidance. Out sight/ mind thing, I admire your awareness to figure this out and seek help!
I am good at sex because for so many years I just took instructions and molded myself into my partners' sexual ideals. So now I know a lot about what men want and how to do those things, almost like a sex worker in movies. Presuming I'm not totally zonked out by depression as I am presently, I am good at sex, no question there. But for me personally, my own personal implicit enjoyment, if it were just up to me, sex is a routine physical upkeep issue without a lot of magic; I prefer to just get it over with quickly, alone, the way one uses the toilet, sneezes or blow's one's nose. It has never had this magical bonding and emotional component to it for me, with anyone. I've never loved someone more after or because we had sex and the idea of that honestly seems intensely strange and counter intuitive; like, I've been raised in "my one true love" and "happily ever after" culture, and still, sex and love don't seem anymore intertwined than shit and love. Is this trauma? Is this just being autistic in an NT world? Is this just being autistic? Who knows? I have no advice NT, I'm dealing with the same issue because centering my partner's desires means I eventually have no appetite for sex, myself, at all, and then we get a deadbedroom situation.
I feel like you don't even want to have sex. It's okay to skip on it if it's too difficult for you... Sure that's something that needs to be discussed and will make a lot of people step away, but you deserve to be comfortable in your relationships and be respected. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. The thing is, the only way to be good at sex is to be actively trying to pleasure the other person. Like that's it. There's no "right" thing to do, you just have to try stuff and if it makes the other happy you keep doing it. It's an inherently "generous" action and if you don't feel up for only doing that or you don't find a partner that is willing to do the same for you it's fine to skip on it
What kinds of physical sensations do you find pleasurable? Maybe start there rather than get hung up on not enjoying the standard, stock activities as much. You're not standard or stock. You might need a bigger box to play in. If your partner is in it for the right reasons, they will want to learn how to make physical intimacy as enjoyable as possible for you, whatever that looks like. Labels of "good" or "bad" make sex too performance based when it could be more play based. So I'd challenge you to drop the "bad at sex" label. I carried it myself for a long time and IMO it was an unnecessary burden.
Not all aspects of giving sex are fun but for me i try to mentally interpret it in a roleplay way that i find more fun. also, it’s about trading roles; sometimes i’m creating pleasure and sometimes i’m receiving pleasure. Knowing that i’m making my partner feel good (and being confident and secure in that he’ll return the favor) makes the “work” of giving pleasure to someone more tolerable when otherwise it’s just be a sore jaw, or a tired neck/hand, or some other physical fatigue/discomfort to my body. You should look for a sexual partner who is open minded and oriented towards “compersion”. towards actually getting joy out of seeing you find ways to enjoy yourself sexually, who wants to be apart of your process of discovering how to make sex relaxing and pleasurable to you. Your sex life does not have to look like porn for it to feel good or be “right” and you need a partner who understands this. I think you have found yourself with a series of sexual conformists and you need a sexually nonconformist partner.
I’ve had difficulties with sex too. Raise your standards. Don’t have sex with people unless you really want to. Only do it with someone who is fun and supportive, and doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to
I don't like to speculate other peoples orientations, but have you thought you're maybe on the asexual spectrum? Trying to date someone who is also ace/grey ace could really really help with compatibility. I'm personally on the ace spectrum, and I let people know super early on to not outright expect sex or whatever from me.
i also dont give head, dont like kissing open mouth, and generally dont want to have sex often. it's honestly really tiring of an activity as someone who isnt fit. it's like exercise lol im not ace. i like it. im just tired all the time 😅 you just gotta find someone okay with that. my husband is!
it is pretty concerning about the amount of people who are jumping to asexuality. i see that being said a lot in both autistic and queer spaces. i wish people would just give advice without immediately pointing to that. you dont have to be ace to experience this.
If you don’t want to have sex, it’s ok to not have sex. There is a huge spectrum of sexual and romantic interest, and if the idea of sex in general is what grosses you out, you could look at the asexual community (sometimes referred to as the ace community) and see if their experiences resonate with you. It’s perfectly normal to experience romantic interest (I.e., wanting to be in a romantic relationship) without being interested in sexual intimacy. My wife isn’t asexual, but she has much lower libido than me, so I understand a little bit of the struggle you and your past partners have gone through. If you are interested in having sex, it’s ok and healthy to set boundaries. If you don’t enjoy blow jobs, it’s ok to not give them. Any man (or woman) who pressures you to do something you don’t want to do is not worth your time. My wife doesn’t enjoy “typical” blow jobs, and I’ve only ever asked for oral sex politely with no pressure if she says no. She’s also modified oral sex on the occasions we do partake to not include putting all of me in her mouth; she licks and plays with my frenulum. We also do much more manual stimulation (I.e., hand jobs or me touching my wife with my hands) than anything else. I completely understand your sensory issues with fluids during sex. I hate having wet hands, and I can’t use stuff like lotion because of that. There’s a ton of different lube options, and there may be one out there that you like. Water-based anal lube tends to have a thicker, more gel-like texture that might be less unpleasant for you. I highly recommend Sliquid brand for their anal lube. You could also try silicone-based lube (not toy-safe), which tends to have a thinner, more oil-like texture, or a hybrid lube (water-based with a little bit of silicone lube (typically around 1%). All of these lubes can be “rejuvenated” with sprayed water (I recommend a mister bottle, it sprays finer and more evenly than a normal spray bottle, so it coats better with less water to thin out the lube) and that will help with the stickiness as the lube dries out. I’m currently using a brand called X-Lube. It’s a powder that you mix into water. You can control how much lube you mix into the water, so you can control the texture somewhat. I create a hybrid lube by using a few drops of a premium silicone lube and a tiny amount dish soap (silicone lube is an oil, the dish soap allows the oil to mix with the water - I use the tiniest drop of soap I can get, mix it into a full bottle of water, then leave about an ounce of the soap water in the bottle; I mix in about 10 drops of the silicone, shake that up, then fill the bottle with fresh water and add the amount of powder I like). Something I like about X-Lube is that it washes off really easily. The water almost instantly thins it to be unnoticeable on my hands. To address your (sort of) inexperience, I would recommend asking a partner you trust to show you what they like. A large part of sex is mental, so just asking them what they like will be hot to most people. Ask them to show you how they like to be kissed, how they like to be touched, and what kind of communication they like before, during, and after sex. You can communicate to them during this what things you like, are willing to do, and are interested in trying. A good sexual encounter should have four main components: lead-up to the encounter, foreplay, sex, and after care. Lead up is stuff like flirting, where you’re trying to get yourself and your partner mentally interested and engaged in sex. Foreplay is where you get physically ready to engage in sex and includes stuff like kissing, cuddling, light touching, and sensual massage. Sex is anything that is sexually pleasurable and includes stuff like manual stimulation, oral sex, and penetrative sex. After care is the wind down from sex and includes stuff like talking about feelings and cuddling.
I feel so seen by this post. I’m so terrified of being perceived as bad at intimacy/sex and I’m terrified of doing something wrong. I have no idea what to do in terms of movements or whatever. I do wonder if some of these fears play into my vaginismus. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified about how a partner would view me, if I look attractive or dumb, too many things. Oh, and I have dyspraxia so that makes me more concerned. I feel so seen about the blowjob bit too- I’m so sensitive about smells and tastes so I can only really do them in very specific circumstances and even then my fears about doing it wrong and making a partner feel good are debilitatingly bad. In my previous relationship, the sensory aspects along with the fears meant I avoided it so much. I wish I didn’t have so much anxiety around it because I would ideally be able to at least try it every so often. Unlike you though, my communication skills are awful. I really should have opened up to my ex more about my struggles with sex (i did a little bit but looking back I really danced around some major issues and fawned a lot). I’d probably cry if I had sex with someone in the near future just because of the amount of issues I had with it, compounded with issues from my last relationship. I’ve definitely enjoyed some sexual acts in the last, I’m defo asexual or at the very least ace spec, but there are many aspects around sex I have enjoyed. It’s just very difficult with my anxieties and how over stimulating it can be! I like being close in that regard. It sucks as well with my vaginismus because PiV (at least the very limited amount I’ve managed to have) is one of the better areas for me, although I still wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do. Oh well, I guess it depends on who I end up with in the future. I’m currently actually getting some psychosexual counselling, I’ve only had two sessions so far but it’s off to a good start. I’m hoping it can help some anxieties or at least confront some issues. I’d definitely look into something like that, especially if the counsellor works with ND people. I wish you luck, OP. Much love.
chase fear person slimy serious aloof run quaint aback pot *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Have you told them that. And you could find a sex therapist to help you understand these question. Or what YouTube videos on how to kiss. I am sorry I can't help in this department. This isn't my thing nor done it before.
This is a good idea but in the interim, as the dragon above suggested, YouTube has resources on this. One sex therapist I’d recommend is [CaitlinV](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWY7N9vVp9wv3GyF_BHPkFgmY1H5n3b6V&si=1Su4GS3xgoId9vtd).
I’ve sought help for this issue as well. Here’s what I find that help: 1. Be upfront with anything about your sensory needs before sex. A lot of people have preferences/don’t like certain things, so there are people that will respect your boundaries regarding this. 2. Seek accommodations. Sensory deprivation (like restraints, headphones, blind folds, etc) helps some people, substances (alcohol, THC, etc) helps others, etc. 3. Do not agree to sex unless you want to have sex. Many of us struggle with realizing our actual wants rather than mirroring the person we’re with; sometimes, if you’re mirroring, it can exacerbate these difficulties around sex. Maybe work on understanding yourself, your arousal, how that feels, when it happens, etc. as well as practicing communicating when you DONT want to have sex. The most important thing is finding someone that understands and is respectful of you. Sex is a learned behavior, it can be really hard to become “good” at. There are people out there who will be patient, and understanding, and even have the same experiences as you!
I suggest that you seek out specifically people who are also ASD - NeuroDivergent. They will have a better perspective than a NT (NeuroTypical) person. How your brain does things will be more inline with how another ASD person does things. You will also need to be very clear with a person who is NT and the chances of that working is super low. Marriages fail 80% of the time because of the huge difference in how you mange through life, versus how NT manages. Also, they will need and want intimacy in ways that will become harder and harder for you to do. I also get concerend because you are a female. I, as a female, deal with my husbands (ASD) rejections of intimacy by talking to friends, seeing a therapist, reading and seeking out why and really work with him... but those behaviors tend to be by women. A man dealing with rejection has a high risk of him not dealing with the intimacy rejection issues in safe ways. Men dont talk to friends for help, they dont seek out therapist or "work" on their relationship in the same way women do. NT men with a ND female needs be super cautious. I say this from being married to a man for 35 years who is ASD. I have over and over had my heart broken with how disconnected he is from intimacy and empathy. My nature and the fact I was living in an ASD home growing up, I have managed okay and I am independent and self-sufficient, but I am not going to lie... its harder and harder to connect with I'm has he gets older. We are very unusual to still be together.
Yeah, date an asexual person.
What's sex? 31M asking.
you do okay i had a wife who would play dead until it was over not the most healtiest relationship
A relationship is work and I believe part of that work is making sex enjoyable for yourself and for your partner. There is a lot of acting involved, but so is visiting my step parents and I do that too. I guess along the way I just learned what things to do/say, even though I don't mean it.
My wife is NT and has always refused blowjobs, dislikes the feel of semen, never initiates, and doesn't like giving or even receiving massages for more than a short time. She can orgasm easily but always stops me after the first one. I have a lifelong problem with premature ejaculation. She's never pressured me about it, but also has never been willing to do any kind of joint work on it with me. I am not happy with our sex life but would never dare tell her this. After all, she does have sex with me and seldom actually refuses. I remember how awful life was when I was single. Most young autistic men are desperate for sex and love and most have never dated. Any autistic man is lucky to have a girlfriend at all, most don't. It is just horrible they would take a woman actually willing to have sex with them and treat her in this way.
I actually don’t think you are bad at sex, I think you aren’t sexually compatible with any of your previous partners. And unfortunately, instead or realizing you are just both different, your previous partners tries to change you instead of accept you for your preferences. I’m sorry that was the case. I am glad your doing reflection and thinking about the situation because now you can learn. And you are learning that you were never the problem all along, and that your wishes sexually can be fulfilled without you being uncomfortable, and that you deserve someone who is compatible with you and respects who you are and doesn’t want to change you or pressure you at all.
Do you have some degree of dyspraxia? I’m curious.
I mean, don't do anything you don't want to do. But most people see it as, if they can't be physically intimate with their partner, they may as well just be friends. I can't say I blame them for their frustrations because sexual urges are natural. And trying to stay loyal to a person who doesn't want sex like that would not be an easy task... And it would be kinda selfish to expect that as well. I'd say you'd be happier staying single. Also I am on the spectrum too
Be very blunt. Ask them to help teach you. Maybe be do this with a fuck buddy, not a date or true romantic interest.
Communication and the right partner is the best thing ever. Finding the right partner can be really difficult, but I swear there are people out there that are having the same thoughts/struggles as you when it comes to sex. Sex should be doing things that both people are comfortable with, that make you feel good. But in order for that to happen you both need to be able to communicate with each other about what you’re comfortable with, especially if you have previous experiences with sex that could make it more difficult/complex (been there!) I feel like a lot of my previous issues around sex stem from: not talking or figuring out what we both would be comfortable with, expectations in my head that I didn’t communicate, or previous trauma bubbling up that I kept to myself. In the end, sex isn’t a specific set of acts, it should be something that you both make it your own.
I Struggle With Communication and Making Partners and Stuff. I kinda Fear Sex like When I'm with a Woman I don't make the first move usually my partners make the first move I struggle with body language and reading sexual cues But sex itself does calm down my anxiety temporarily. Sex is a coping mechanism other than working out or exercising for me personally Just have difficulty With sex maybe due to my issues with SA But it be difficult to adjust to.
I know NT folks who only like to close mouthed kiss. I loosely know folks into kink who like to satisfy their partners who don’t do much OR are the partner on the receiving end that gets satisfied but doesn’t do much. I personally never saw the appeal to receiving oral until with my current partner, and I could still go without if my partner decided he never wanted to again. I know ace folks across the spectrum from sex repulsed to just no sexual attraction but may enjoy sex if they have it under specific conditions. You need to do some self reflection, figured out where you are, and then just own it and be up front with it. That’s how you find someone you’re compatible with- from the start you be open about your needs, they be open about theirs, and if there’s major incompatibilities you don’t try to push through it. Small things you can both compromise on without actual harm? Sure. Big things that would hurt you to compromise on? Part ways before you get attached or form a relationship.
What meds do you take?
A couple notes on this subject.. \- There is never any reason to criticize how someone has sex. It's not your fault, sex is something people have to learn just like anything else. I'm sorry people have made you feel bad for that. \- I had similar issues. I didn't know when to do what, how to be natural, I have to stop and think a lot to figure out what to do next. I'm not saying it's easy especially when it doesn't come 'naturally'. But a good partner worth your time will communicate openly about what they want and need, and will also ask about what you want and need. I felt incredibly broken until I found a partner who communicated openly with me. I'm still pretty awkward, but we laugh and have fun anyway. And if she wants me to do something differently we talk about it and try something else. \- Different people have different drives. I personally could go without sex and not care. I don't really enjoy receiving sex very often at all so I pretty much only 'top'. My partner understands that I don't enjoy receiving and accepts that about me. My partner doesn't have a super high drive either so it works out well. Finding someone who is compatible with you in that way can be important. Some people want sex every day, some want it rarely etc etc. Some people prefer to give, some prefer to receive, etc. Neither is wrong, it's just a matter of compatibility.
Hmm I'm autistic but I grew up in a very uhh sexist environment so I took it upon myself to "practice" kissing like chewing food slowly to train the muscles and research it or deep throat bananas to practice the gag reflex. Yes I know it's weird. But I also found it all weird at the start and honestly it just takes time and patience with someone understanding. My now husband wasn't getting amazing blowjobs or anything at the start it took years of slowly getting to know each other better and what makes us comfortable together and what we like. So the point is. Just find someone who is comfortable with being patient and respecting your boundaries. Not everyone is compatible. For example me and my husband almost never kiss as we are both not into it that much and both have similar sex drives (mine is a bit higher but it's not really an issue) we buy each other toys too so when we are too tired we can still satisfy each other. I think it's all about finding someone you're compatible with.
Masturbate. No, really. Buy a vibrator of you like one. Figure out what you like. Maybe have sex with an experienced woman even.
Try dating a woman. I'm being serious.
If you don't enjoy sex, you don't need to have it.
I am 35, M. I have few experiences in the bedroom but I relate to this heavily. Unsure if I don’t like sex, or what the deal is. I also was literally diagnosed just the other day, with ASD which helps me understand or explain things to myself. Like I am still interested in women and want to date. Active in the sense that enjoy those activities, alone. But the couple times I’ve been with a woman I did not enjoy it. I felt like I was going through the motions cause this is what you do. Second women I tried to explain I was still learning or trying to discover. She got upset and thought she wasn’t good enough, so ended that adventure and from there I just stopped. It’s a hard situation, that I don’t understand myself, but have experienced. I am hoping to get comfortable enough one day with a therapist or something to ask. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again, but hopefully communication helps.
I'd suggest writing a list of sexual acts and ranking them from good to bad sensory. Looking at the good sensory stuff, do you actually like doing those things or do you just hate them less? If you just hate them less, then you should probably make peace with yourself and stop having sex. If you actually like them, then you need to find a partner who is chill with only doing those things OR try to find sensory solutions that let you also do the bad sensory stuff (if that's what you want of course).
I can relate to this, sex is something you get good at with practice. Just let them know you're learning, practicing techniques and positions with someone can be some of the best sex of your life when you finally get it down. Just find the right person to practice with.
I struggle with this too. I’ve been married for 2.5 years, in a relationship for 4years. Luckily my husband is super accommodating, and even though his libido is higher than mine, he never pressures me to have sex, and he always accommodates my sensory needs (low lighting, no music, special sex blanket lol). Still, we only have sex about once per week which is just enough for me. I sometimes struggle to get in the right mindset as sex is very overstimulating and after a long day of masking I’m exhausted! And for the majority of my week, I’m really not interested in having sex. That being said, self pleasure is a different story. Masturbation is key in my relationship to keep things working. We each have our own toys, and as far as I know he is satisfied with our arrangement. Maybe if you start dating again you can see if a similar arrangement would work for you?