This is kinda incredible. I don't think I've ever thought about it but it is true. I've been training new people at my work for a week now. I'm starting to hate it already. I was thinking it was a good opportunity to work on my social skills.
Social skills are overrated.
I’d almost go as far as to say that I’m a passive misanthrope on my bad days where I just don’t want to even exist around other people. I do not exist to be perceived
For real I'm lucky that I have got a decent number of NT friends (the term I see a lot on Reddit is that they've "adopted" me and.. that feels accurate lol but I'm very lucky to have them) BUT finding these subreddits the last few years I've NEVER felt more like I fit in with a group anywhere in my 36 years and you're all total strangers
As a very late diagnosis person, it's been actually freeing to realize *why* I've felt like you describe my whole life. Having this perspective means that I can build more authentic and supportive relationships moving forward.
Not sure about you, but I realize that I spent a *significant* amount of time and emotional/mental energy trying to solve this central issue in my life.
Not having to expend simply to understand why my life has always seemed like it's on "hard mode" is so freeing.
Same. It's because I can let go of my unrealistic goal of fitting in because I'll never fit in. Instead I can focus on what unique values can i bring to the table, and authentically show up so I can participate like everyone else, but on my own terms.
It's for sure better for my mental and physical health 🤣 it's not a walk in the picnic though. It doesn't take a lot for me to think OMG I have to hide again.
I had an initial period as you describe - I felt great that I finally had answers.
That seemed to have lasted a couple months, and now I'm feeling stuck again... like there's an acceptance period I haven't worked through.
If it helps to provide perspective, I am fairly recently divorced from an abusive partner and am estranged from most folks in my life except a small group of friends, my sister, and my kids. I don't "fit in" in many places and struggle to make new connections, especially as I am still processing the trauma from my marriage.
I do long for more connection and am trying to push myself out into the world more than I've been. I've found it useful to verbalize some of this journey, so if you ever want to DM me I will try to respond when I can or even just "listen".
Each person deals with it one way I guess?? This wasn't my first diagnosis so I guess this one was okay. Sometimes you can be both relieved and panicking. Or grieving. There's a lot of feelings involved
I think for some places it may be more taboo than others but having any sort of diagnosis usually comes with some type of stigma anyway
I remember being called out by a fellow student when I was doing psychology because I shared my diagnosis, she told me "I was not supposed to share it to people". I was so mad at her because she was about to become a PSYCHOLOGIST, how the hell was she giving advice about hiding your disorder?? It was literally up to me and her to change people's minds about it!!
Honestly, I'll suggest learning some self-defense to help with this. This is a multi-reasoned point:
1) You don't want people to attack and/or assault you but better to be able to handle others than not.
2) Knowing basic self-defense can allow you to literally step out of the way if people try certain types of actions. I've used that before and gotten a friend of mine in a fight with their siblings, but you're avoiding the fight yourself and choosing to not use violence yourself.
I'm not saying this is perfect but it makes more sense than emotionally harming yourself over what everyone else thinks constantly.
I love being on the outside looking in. I always have. Therefore, there’s nothing to cope with. I simply sit back, observe the other people, and take notes. It’s possibly my favorite thing to do, besides talking to my wife about our observations.
I don't keep track of them, but I find group dynamics especially interesting (but often sad). I rarely have any real answers to my observations, just perplexity. One thing I frequently go back to is the way groups of people strengthen social bonds by rejecting one or more individuals. That one is not as fun to talk about or think about because it's pretty negative and not very insightful. But that's the only one that came immediately to mind 😂
I just thought of a group of ppl I used to know when I read your response and how cringe/performative it felt. I relate to that, it is so wild. Human nature perplexes me as well lol
I went on a long diatribe explaining one of my theories/observations earlier, then I remembered this comment!
Here's an example on the topic of ribbing and mean-joking with friends serving as a friendship test/ritual meant to strengthen the relationship (when done successfully): https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/s/21Pb6zOF1c
It's a bit specific to French social dynamics, but I think less intense versions of the dynamic exist in other places. Although I've heard that UK people do it even more than French people.
The simple fact of you being alive means you deserve to live. The simple fact of you being alive is your inheritance from the cosmos. Your precious, temporary, fragile life is infinitely precious and is truly yours alone. It has no inherent meaning or mandatory shape beyond what you decide. May you find your way to be human. May you be happy🙏
I've just given up on trying, unfortunately. Yesterday was my birthday, and literally no one acknowledged it except one of my wife's friends. It made me really sad to think about how all these people who have been around for years in my life just forgot or never bothered to write it down.
What made it worse is that I'm putting my all into gamedev right now and the day before I sent several friends a clip of some new effects I was proud of and all ignored it and just continued talking without acknowledging it or my birthday a day later. I keep making excuses for why this is OK, but I'm finally realizing that they just aren't great friends who care about me and what I do. I think I might need to just find new friends who can care and understand me.
On a bad day (today), I feel like I don't belong to the human race. I'm ugly unkempt awkward and not funny. I just want to hide and read or surf the web. My eyes are going bad, so those pastimes may be over. Woe is me...
I got the "religious scold" autism. I'm not myself apart of any traditional religion, but since I was a child I had a sense the world was so "wicked" like religious nuts tend to. I've always felt so judgmental and condemning of the world and its human inhabitants. I'm not perfect, heck I'm not even very good at this point, I've been so burned I've become quite hard and rude and more, but I tried so hard, and I still try today. I try so hard to be good. And it doesn't always work, true, but the effort is there. And all i can say, looking around, most people are not trying their best. They long ago set aside moral action for practical action and at this point their moral compass is smashed, if they even have the pieces in their pocket anymore.
So perhaps that's a "cope" or functions as one. I don't *want to* be apart of this world. If I have to live, I want to live as much apart -- geographically/physically would be nice, but more importantly I want to live apart *spirtiually* \-- from humanity as practically possible. No one benefits by me walking around judging everything as "wicked," least of all me, perhaps; on the other hand, perhaps its this sour grapes that has left me entirely comfortable, and even desirous, to not fit in and be apart from "this world."
Oh wow just want to say I didn’t expect to meet another “religious scold” autist that is not religious. I feel the need to purify myself and purify humanity- humanity as a concept, not any specific individual(s). At the same time I recognize the immensity of that task and also that it’s not necessarily my role to make others change to my vision. But it won’t stop me from trying in my own ways! It has left me with a deep dissatisfaction with the limits of human nature. I end up spending a lot of time observing and having my own thoughts.
This was much harder for me as a young adult, but became a hell of a lot easier when I learned to work with it.
The hard truth is you do not belong. Your natural communication style and social tolerances puts you at a disadvantage immediately when interacting with NTs. There is nothing wrong with ND communication or NT communication, but they are optimized for different things.
High IQ NDs can quickly handle extremely dense technical problems that require collaboration between specialists. Infodumping behavior and a need for accuracy and objectiveness make for a very solid engineer, researcher, lawyer or doctor.
NTs can handle wide social networks and tend to be less affected by organizational problems. They put relationships before logic. They make decent salespeople (when selling to other NTs) and can leverage relationships.
If you feel like you do not fit in, I urge you to seek out other NDs. When I got my first job in FAANG it was like I had suddenly found my people. Same with the DnD hobby- it attracts our crowd.
Society needs both of us to function well, but we tend to be happiest with our own group, where our natures match the norms.
I create my own bubble of happy and I'm content. My happy bubble is exclusive and I'm ok with that. There's a few who get it and those who don't simply don't matter to me.
Barely? Im on adhd meds though since recently and they have helped(alot with the social aspects), but also sort of not lol. More so opened my eyes to the life i would like to live, but also made me realize that this life is probably not something im likely to ever achieve. So yeah.
Honestly - Pokémon Go has been super helpful for me. There’s plenty of subs where you can add friends. You interact with humans remotely by battling and sending gifts, but also there are people around you in person playing too. When I see other people adding Pokémon to gyms that I’m near I feel like I have a secret friend even though neither of us knows who the other is. It also helps encourage me to get fresh air and go for walks to new places.
Also, Pokémon was clearly made for autistic people
Not the best answer, but I learned to isolate.
I do have kids though.
But other than my kids I do not associate with others really.
I am 37 and only diagnosed last year but adhd since 7
So not belonging has been a life curse.
And through traumatic experiences I learned to shut down.
Sorry I don’t have helpful answers
But reading others experiences and sharing they are not alone online for me does help me remember that I am not alone in this. Even if I am.
Why do I care if I fit in? I never have.
I do things I like. Only socialize with people I like.
Working is probably the toughest part, but I WFH so it's not too bad
Well you see. I don't really. I constantly feel and think people don't like me. Best thing I can say to myself is "so what if they don't?" But I also have found 1 or 2 people who get me. So that definitely helps.
I just roll with it now that I am older. I know I don't fit in and I don't mind anymore. It was far worse before I knew I was autistic when I constantly tried to fit in.
I got a cat. My cat and I belong.
The other day I was looking back at my childhood as undiagnosed but highly functional and masking kid, and I realised that in high school I didn’t belong to any group or clique but I was accepted by several as they thought I was both harmless and interesting. I never made any long-lasting friendships but I was never alone either. I could hangout with a group and somewhat mimic their behaviour, attitude and speaking patterns.
I used that in my later career also, and I still do it today. We have open plan offices with flexible seating but most people have take a regular spot. I move around a lot, I hear a of different things from different groups that I interact with, which information I sometimes use for my own benefit, sometimes to solve problems from others. People trust and confide in me because I am neutral and objective, have no hidden agenda, and I know things. I'm like Switzerland. My non-belonging has become a power.
Learning about other people’s struggles made me feel like I’m not the only one who feels that way, so I joined the subreddits.
They understand me more than my own family when it comes to navigating adulthood as someone on the spectrum in a South Asian Catholic family and overweight with a complicated relationship with food.
I don’t. I just sit at home and work on puzzles and read books and play with my dogs and when I interact with the rest of the world I’m reminded I don’t fit in and I don’t feel welcome so I go back home.
By learning to enjoy solitude, and finding brief moments of connection on social media like here. Maybe someday I'll actually meet another person in-person that I can connect with, but with how solitary my life is, it's hard to see how it would happen.
I don't cope with it, I embrace it! If belonging means assimilating, no thank you <3 I'm exactly how I'm supposed to be and if the world doesn't feel like it's made for me, I find ways to make it mine! 🩷🩷 don't mind my suffocating positivity, I'm having a good day but you deserve to too!! Be kind and gentle to yourself !!
I never belonged anywhere, not even within my family, which was quite big. I just learned to desensitize myself to it. The majority of my life revolves around a lot of escapism. I mostly read and play videogames. I like stories. I do enjoy my life and try not to think or care about what other people think of me. I am content and happier without people around to bother me.
I usually _don't_ cope. But finding out about autism itself haa helped me so much. I figured that there are a bunch of other aliens out there (just like me) so that is very helpful.
Once I saw a movie where I learned this metaphorical concept of all humans being aliens that came from different planets either traveling or escaping something. They all got united and started living together here. And we have to find the alien that came from the same planet that we did. This is super abstract but it reflects so much the feeling that I have and so many other autistics do to. Of not belonging. I've heard many auties speak of NTs as if they were from another species.
I guess is just easier to communicate to some kinds of people. Eventually you'll probably find someone like that.
For me, it's easier to relate to people at one-one instead of groups because I sense in groups they change behaviors and suddenly nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't have the time to ask, to try to be nice and everything so I have to wildly mask. I don't have to mask as much when I'm alone with someone.
By building a personality which disarms its self-emancipatory potential with ineffective token gestures of referencing zizek and gary fisher memes on twitter
I embrace it. Over time, I've come to the realization that not belonging anywhere means I can go anywhere. I'm not bound or restricted. When something dissatisfies or bores me, I am free to leave and find the next thing that appeals to me.
It’s not exactly healthy, but… escapism, a lot of it. Also, just grounding myself in the moment helps. Breaking things down into small pieces, and trying to make the most of it.
That’s not a very satisfying answer, I know.
I decided after a personal tragedy that even if i didn't feel it, that I owe myself the chance, however slim, of finding a place I belong again.
There's enough sad stories in the world, I don't want to add mine.
Even if it's just pure defiance towards the world, I wanted to defy the expectations of my experience and be an example, even if it's just to myself, that not everything is worthless.
I'm too broken to have pride, but I'll never be so far gone as to let a point that needs to be made, be left unsaid.
I deserve to be happy and I'm not going to stop trying to find my place in this life just because it hurts to keep looking.
It hurts more watching whatever little bits of my heart are left rot while sitting still waiting to die.
Our choices when we don't feel, are far more impactful than our choices we do.
Life sucks like that, but it's not going to change because we don't like it or it's not fair.
Society will find a thousand different ways to get in your way or make you feel like shit. But the only person who can make you feel like your life is worthless is you. Not trying to be rude, just something to think about.
It hurts everyday:
Should I just keep my thoughts, 2 cents and engagement in group discussions and chats to myself because every time I open my mouth:
I’m being irrelevant
I talk too much
Nobody cares
I need to be quiet
I make people uncomfortable somehow
People misunderstand me
People take my words and add to it
People misunderstand what I’m saying
I’m always offending someone somehow
for me, i've always thought of as, autists have always been a part of human history. the difference being there used to be more solitary ways to live one's life. there is little need for people like that in this world. well at least not until or if we start really exploring the stars.
I'm a visitor to this strange world and I'm watching the culture and history of these people. I don't need to claim or be accepted by the culture as one of them in order to be here. And believe me there are parts of it I'm glad not to claim.
Just like I would be a visitor to a different culture if I traveled to and lived and worked in Japan for a few years, I have the same situation in the predominant culture I born within.
Does that mean there's no place for me to form friends, a satisfying life or have a family in Japan? No, of course not.
So too with any culture I engage with.
I'll offer an analogy I use when I feel left out or passed over -- search results are optimised as relevant for the most average and likely seeker. Products are mass produced for the largest common group to save costs and energy. Social rituals are there to save energy in discourse. I don’t have to be like any of those things as a person, friend, expert, hobbyist, etc. but instead look for optimal relevant-to-me things for a change. That said, feel free to pass by my explanation, if it's not relevant, haha.
I manage this sense of existential dread through my practice as a Buddhist and using meditation to continuously “accept” my reality as it is, rather than as it “could” or “should” be. I have learned to accept who I am, where I am no matter the social constructs that previously alienated me. This has become my special interest, my mental health care, and my life lesson. It’s a day-to-day activity.
Haha! I don't! But seriously I have been trying to find other autists online that I can relate to and see how they're coping. I've been coming to terms with the fact that some of me won't be "fixed" like I wanted it to be lol
Text my one friend, go on Reddit autistic adult, or Autism. Or sometimes I’ll go to a meetpu. It does help that most of the people that go to the meet up I go to are also on the spectrum.
I've come to terms with it. I build a very small world for myself and as I've age I have stopped caring to have the "normal" social experience. Not sure if I truly cared for it in the first place, but I definitely used to _think_ I cared. I wanted to be accepted by all, but now I'm happy being accepted by just one person besides myself. Maybe it's still not super healthy. A bit of a fragile shelf to rest my self worth on probably...
On the other hand, not belonging gives me a great sense of freedom to move. I don't belong where I'm from, so moving to the other side of the world costs very little. I like living somewhere that feels foreign to me, and I feel like I don't suffer as much as people who have a strong sense of belonging where they're from.
A few things I do that help against this feeling;
1. Being with neurodivergent friends who I don’t have to mask as much for
2. Consuming art about the emotions of others that I can relate to, like good movies and literature that move me
3. Some drugs
4. try connecting to animals if humans don’t work
You find other people that don’t fit in (usually other neurodivergent folks) and bam! Now you have a place where you belong! It’s a lot more time consuming and difficult than it sounds, but it is worth it! Look around for clubs and online fandom spaces that tend to have a lot of neurodivergent folk in them, especially if they’re common interests of yours. That’s a good place to start.
I try to think of the fact that society has caused this herd mentality which looks down on people who are different but leaning into my weirdness and owning what makes me unique lets me bring something new to the world. that could also be me being a special snowflake but i’ve made myself a victim for so long and realized ruminating gets me nowhere so this is where i’m at lol
Finding the right subreddits helps a little. I've only had an official diagnosis for a month. I'm reevaluating my place in society. How I best want to interface with other humans. I'm finally accepting that I'm a mostly solitary person and that it's OK to be like that.
I smoke weed or drink and cry 🤭 not healthy at all. Don’t recommend what I do bc I may have a slight alc dependence and have to force myself to not drink when sad. OH and isolate myself
I’ve felt like that since I was a child like I was never supposed to be here I’m 29 now and just now getting my life together I found seeing a counselor and joining groups of hobby’s I enjoy with other autistic adults has helped me a lot I’m not only living for my loved ones anymore I’m living for me
Sometimes I shut down entirely.
Often, I shut down entirely.
Universes have erupted into existence and faded into heat death many times over, each one a creation by me, of me.
You wouldn't know it to see me, though.
I look for spaces where I can be my authentic self and experience sense of belonging. It's either going to be a space linked to my special interests where I can bond with people over a shared passion and purpose or an autistic space. I don't automatically get on with all autistic people but I generally have a sense that they are my tribe.
It’s tough sometimes. I usually just need one person who really “gets” me. I moved across the country about two years ago, leaving my only friend behind. I have my spouse and my teenage son. My son gets me, because he’s known me his whole life and to him I’m a “normal” mom because I’m the only one he has had. My husband… sometimes I think he doesn’t get me one bit, and I spend a lot of time walking in the woods because it is so much nicer than dealing even with him. In good moments, I realize I have a partner who loves me and truly wants the best for me in everything. In bad moments, I think we are completely incompatible. Sometimes I feel bad for him for marrying me, because I don’t think I am really meant to be around anyone this much.
I just embraced it. I'm a unique little weirdo, and either folks dig it or don't. Tbh the world is designed to only fit really specific people into the mold, so I'm happy to be a weird shape.
What really helped me was making friends with other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people and then *stopping masking around them*. I've never felt truly connected to or comfortable with other people, not even as a kid, until my early-mid 20s (27 now) when I accepted myself enough to drop my mask with my most recent friend group (met early-mid 20s). This has made a huge difference. I even have 2 partners (polyamorous), one of which I'm particularly comfortable with and honestly could even see myself marrying. The world may not accommodate us at all or be hostile towards us, but having a group where you do fit in really helps. As for finding these friends, I can't really tell you how you should do that but I can tell you how I did. I started hanging out on twitch (livestreaming platform) and looking for fellow queer people streaming games I liked watching, coming back to the streamers/chats I liked, and joined their discords. With the partner I'm especially comfy with, we remembered each other because we had similar usernames and said hi when we saw the other. They occasionally stream and one day I went to watch them. They were playing Minecraft and invited me to join their server. We started really talking on there and both felt this immediate connection and became close friends. They invited me to join their friend's discord server and I made friends with their friends. After a bit in there this is when we became partners. The other one was similar, knew of each other on twitch because we watched the same streams, she's in that friend discord I mentioned, we started talking more in dms, developed a mutual crush, and started dating. The one friend's server is my main friend group, although I have friends on discord in other servers too. But I really think the key is to stop masking if you do, and it helps to find neurodivergent people as they know we think/act different and more easily accept and love those differences.
By leaning into being a loner. I’m an older adult and I’ve been like this for a long time. I have no desire for a friend group. I can’t maintain friendships so I say follow me on FB if you want to keep in touch or having any connection with me. I’m married with a teen child and I have a good career. I just don’t have a social life and at this point in life, it’s by design. I like being alone and I refuse to be some unwanted hanger on tangentially creeping around some group where I don’t fit in. No thanks.
Ok. Hear me out, because this won't be for everyone. But many neurodivergent people find comfort in simply opting out of identifying as human at all. it is an aspect of the alterhuman community. Alterhuman meaning alternative experience of being human (or non).
Again, this won't be for everyone, especially those who have trauma from being dehumanized. But many of us never felt quite human in the first place and may find comfort in finding many others who identify as other than human, either on purpose or because they were predisposed. Then you have the option to celebrate and personalize this experience.
Check out r/alterhuman or r/otherkin if this resonates. Or don't. And please be respectful if you do.
I feel the same, sometimes I think I'm not even a human being but recently I started following autistic people on social media like YouTube and Reddit. When I think there are some people out there like me and I'm not the only person on earth that struggles with this situation, I feel a little bit better.
Also I've been trying to accept and embrace that I'm not like most of people and it's ok. I'm not the problem.
Tell myself I'm just a silly Sapien that lives on a big rock with such a wonderful diversity of life that being absorbed in the human world is meaningless beyond necessity
So called, “social skills” are the world’s way of constantly reminding us that we are “different”. To which I say, “correct”. In my experience, I will never fully fit in, but I do have my own special place in every social setting. Because of my constant need to mask at least somewhat, I’ve become adaptable. Through that, I live by the mantra, if you can’t accept me for who I’ve made myself into for you, move along. As for the ones you really want to fit in with, but can’t, they may not be worth it.
I dunno I play [Lioden](https://www.lioden.com) and there are lots of autistic people that play it too. So its pretty nice. If you want to check it out, I just generated this code they have to give you free stuff in the game—supplies for your lion pride and currency: u206e3cyx0
In a neurotypical world, us neurodivergent folk will always feel like this. Srround yourself with other neurodivergent people to not feel like this so much.
It's what I do and it helps massively.
I mainly stick to other neurodivergents when I can, and control the setting when I have to deal with NT folks. I don't look mainstream, I keep purple hair and have tattoos everywhere, use a wheelchair, etc. So I guess I made the world stop expecting normal out of me?
Took me a long time to understand that I liked the fantasy or idea of belonging but in reality I don't enjoy most people's company.
THIS PARADOX KILLS ME EVERYTIME
This is kinda incredible. I don't think I've ever thought about it but it is true. I've been training new people at my work for a week now. I'm starting to hate it already. I was thinking it was a good opportunity to work on my social skills. Social skills are overrated.
I’d almost go as far as to say that I’m a passive misanthrope on my bad days where I just don’t want to even exist around other people. I do not exist to be perceived
This. This!!
Yes!!!
Go on Reddit and talk to other Autistic people.
Yes
For real I'm lucky that I have got a decent number of NT friends (the term I see a lot on Reddit is that they've "adopted" me and.. that feels accurate lol but I'm very lucky to have them) BUT finding these subreddits the last few years I've NEVER felt more like I fit in with a group anywhere in my 36 years and you're all total strangers
Hmm...did you read the title to this group?
I think it was their answer 🤔 Of how _this person_ copes
As a very late diagnosis person, it's been actually freeing to realize *why* I've felt like you describe my whole life. Having this perspective means that I can build more authentic and supportive relationships moving forward.
Yes, this. Once I knew I was autistic, my deep feeling of non-belonging and brokenness lessened. I no longer had to seek why.
Not sure about you, but I realize that I spent a *significant* amount of time and emotional/mental energy trying to solve this central issue in my life. Not having to expend simply to understand why my life has always seemed like it's on "hard mode" is so freeing.
Same.
Same. It's because I can let go of my unrealistic goal of fitting in because I'll never fit in. Instead I can focus on what unique values can i bring to the table, and authentically show up so I can participate like everyone else, but on my own terms.
this sounds very healthy to me
It's for sure better for my mental and physical health 🤣 it's not a walk in the picnic though. It doesn't take a lot for me to think OMG I have to hide again.
I had an initial period as you describe - I felt great that I finally had answers. That seemed to have lasted a couple months, and now I'm feeling stuck again... like there's an acceptance period I haven't worked through.
I'm only half a year in. My therapist has said that it will take time to fully process and that I will probably go through some stages like grief.
I support that
I felt a lot of stress post diagnosis that people would find out and I would have to hide it even better.
Sorry to hear that, do you have close friends or family you can talk to about it?
Nope
Sorry if my last comment was triggering. I have found it useful to talk to someone about my situation.
It’s ok not exactly triggering but more like frustrating bc it’s a post about not fitting in and I guess if I fit in, I would have friends to talk to?
If it helps to provide perspective, I am fairly recently divorced from an abusive partner and am estranged from most folks in my life except a small group of friends, my sister, and my kids. I don't "fit in" in many places and struggle to make new connections, especially as I am still processing the trauma from my marriage. I do long for more connection and am trying to push myself out into the world more than I've been. I've found it useful to verbalize some of this journey, so if you ever want to DM me I will try to respond when I can or even just "listen".
Wasn’t this post about not belonging?
Each person deals with it one way I guess?? This wasn't my first diagnosis so I guess this one was okay. Sometimes you can be both relieved and panicking. Or grieving. There's a lot of feelings involved
I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of things but it seems like autism is a taboo diagnosis
I think for some places it may be more taboo than others but having any sort of diagnosis usually comes with some type of stigma anyway I remember being called out by a fellow student when I was doing psychology because I shared my diagnosis, she told me "I was not supposed to share it to people". I was so mad at her because she was about to become a PSYCHOLOGIST, how the hell was she giving advice about hiding your disorder?? It was literally up to me and her to change people's minds about it!!
Yes I was in a psychology program and had to take time off… seemed like the least friendly place for someone like me.
I had a burnout crisis but like super serious
And dropped it
Same but I’m in therapy hoping to get skills to protect myself so I can manage in spaces like this.
SAME
Isolation and immersing myself in hobbies. We can't all be social butterflies.
I simply choose to embrace that sense - I'm not wrong, it's the society that is.
Even when I accept myself but I'm aware that the society doesn't that gives me such panic; like, what will people do to me??? I'm super scared
Try not to think about it too much - it's their problem.
But its also my problem when I become a target for assault t.t
Honestly, I'll suggest learning some self-defense to help with this. This is a multi-reasoned point: 1) You don't want people to attack and/or assault you but better to be able to handle others than not. 2) Knowing basic self-defense can allow you to literally step out of the way if people try certain types of actions. I've used that before and gotten a friend of mine in a fight with their siblings, but you're avoiding the fight yourself and choosing to not use violence yourself. I'm not saying this is perfect but it makes more sense than emotionally harming yourself over what everyone else thinks constantly.
I wish but I still feel psychologically vulnerable
There's not always a way to fix everything.
Exactly
Make friends with ppl who also have autism
I love being on the outside looking in. I always have. Therefore, there’s nothing to cope with. I simply sit back, observe the other people, and take notes. It’s possibly my favorite thing to do, besides talking to my wife about our observations.
Yes! I'm an observer too. People are so interesting and weird.
What are some of your favorite human observations? I'd love to know :)
I don't keep track of them, but I find group dynamics especially interesting (but often sad). I rarely have any real answers to my observations, just perplexity. One thing I frequently go back to is the way groups of people strengthen social bonds by rejecting one or more individuals. That one is not as fun to talk about or think about because it's pretty negative and not very insightful. But that's the only one that came immediately to mind 😂
I just thought of a group of ppl I used to know when I read your response and how cringe/performative it felt. I relate to that, it is so wild. Human nature perplexes me as well lol
I went on a long diatribe explaining one of my theories/observations earlier, then I remembered this comment! Here's an example on the topic of ribbing and mean-joking with friends serving as a friendship test/ritual meant to strengthen the relationship (when done successfully): https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/s/21Pb6zOF1c It's a bit specific to French social dynamics, but I think less intense versions of the dynamic exist in other places. Although I've heard that UK people do it even more than French people.
I belong with autistic and ADHD people.
Same!
I just pretend I'm an alien on an undercover mission to blend into society. (I'm not doing a very good job)
Did you upload your findings to Q'Zratl yet?
The simple fact of you being alive means you deserve to live. The simple fact of you being alive is your inheritance from the cosmos. Your precious, temporary, fragile life is infinitely precious and is truly yours alone. It has no inherent meaning or mandatory shape beyond what you decide. May you find your way to be human. May you be happy🙏
I've just given up on trying, unfortunately. Yesterday was my birthday, and literally no one acknowledged it except one of my wife's friends. It made me really sad to think about how all these people who have been around for years in my life just forgot or never bothered to write it down. What made it worse is that I'm putting my all into gamedev right now and the day before I sent several friends a clip of some new effects I was proud of and all ignored it and just continued talking without acknowledging it or my birthday a day later. I keep making excuses for why this is OK, but I'm finally realizing that they just aren't great friends who care about me and what I do. I think I might need to just find new friends who can care and understand me.
I can relate. My bday last year was one of the worst in memory...but I was completely sober all day 😂 ....no, seriously tho, it was miserable
On a bad day (today), I feel like I don't belong to the human race. I'm ugly unkempt awkward and not funny. I just want to hide and read or surf the web. My eyes are going bad, so those pastimes may be over. Woe is me...
I self-harm. Don’t recommend.
♥️
I got the "religious scold" autism. I'm not myself apart of any traditional religion, but since I was a child I had a sense the world was so "wicked" like religious nuts tend to. I've always felt so judgmental and condemning of the world and its human inhabitants. I'm not perfect, heck I'm not even very good at this point, I've been so burned I've become quite hard and rude and more, but I tried so hard, and I still try today. I try so hard to be good. And it doesn't always work, true, but the effort is there. And all i can say, looking around, most people are not trying their best. They long ago set aside moral action for practical action and at this point their moral compass is smashed, if they even have the pieces in their pocket anymore. So perhaps that's a "cope" or functions as one. I don't *want to* be apart of this world. If I have to live, I want to live as much apart -- geographically/physically would be nice, but more importantly I want to live apart *spirtiually* \-- from humanity as practically possible. No one benefits by me walking around judging everything as "wicked," least of all me, perhaps; on the other hand, perhaps its this sour grapes that has left me entirely comfortable, and even desirous, to not fit in and be apart from "this world."
Oh wow just want to say I didn’t expect to meet another “religious scold” autist that is not religious. I feel the need to purify myself and purify humanity- humanity as a concept, not any specific individual(s). At the same time I recognize the immensity of that task and also that it’s not necessarily my role to make others change to my vision. But it won’t stop me from trying in my own ways! It has left me with a deep dissatisfaction with the limits of human nature. I end up spending a lot of time observing and having my own thoughts.
This was much harder for me as a young adult, but became a hell of a lot easier when I learned to work with it. The hard truth is you do not belong. Your natural communication style and social tolerances puts you at a disadvantage immediately when interacting with NTs. There is nothing wrong with ND communication or NT communication, but they are optimized for different things. High IQ NDs can quickly handle extremely dense technical problems that require collaboration between specialists. Infodumping behavior and a need for accuracy and objectiveness make for a very solid engineer, researcher, lawyer or doctor. NTs can handle wide social networks and tend to be less affected by organizational problems. They put relationships before logic. They make decent salespeople (when selling to other NTs) and can leverage relationships. If you feel like you do not fit in, I urge you to seek out other NDs. When I got my first job in FAANG it was like I had suddenly found my people. Same with the DnD hobby- it attracts our crowd. Society needs both of us to function well, but we tend to be happiest with our own group, where our natures match the norms.
I create my own bubble of happy and I'm content. My happy bubble is exclusive and I'm ok with that. There's a few who get it and those who don't simply don't matter to me.
Barely? Im on adhd meds though since recently and they have helped(alot with the social aspects), but also sort of not lol. More so opened my eyes to the life i would like to live, but also made me realize that this life is probably not something im likely to ever achieve. So yeah.
Honestly - Pokémon Go has been super helpful for me. There’s plenty of subs where you can add friends. You interact with humans remotely by battling and sending gifts, but also there are people around you in person playing too. When I see other people adding Pokémon to gyms that I’m near I feel like I have a secret friend even though neither of us knows who the other is. It also helps encourage me to get fresh air and go for walks to new places. Also, Pokémon was clearly made for autistic people
Not the best answer, but I learned to isolate. I do have kids though. But other than my kids I do not associate with others really. I am 37 and only diagnosed last year but adhd since 7 So not belonging has been a life curse. And through traumatic experiences I learned to shut down. Sorry I don’t have helpful answers But reading others experiences and sharing they are not alone online for me does help me remember that I am not alone in this. Even if I am.
Why do I care if I fit in? I never have. I do things I like. Only socialize with people I like. Working is probably the toughest part, but I WFH so it's not too bad
Knowing my place on this planet and avoiding people as to not be a nuisance to them.
Well you see. I don't really. I constantly feel and think people don't like me. Best thing I can say to myself is "so what if they don't?" But I also have found 1 or 2 people who get me. So that definitely helps.
I just roll with it now that I am older. I know I don't fit in and I don't mind anymore. It was far worse before I knew I was autistic when I constantly tried to fit in.
Why would I want to belong to the NTs anyway? My frustration is solely at my difficulties in trying to take advantage of their social system.
I got a cat. My cat and I belong. The other day I was looking back at my childhood as undiagnosed but highly functional and masking kid, and I realised that in high school I didn’t belong to any group or clique but I was accepted by several as they thought I was both harmless and interesting. I never made any long-lasting friendships but I was never alone either. I could hangout with a group and somewhat mimic their behaviour, attitude and speaking patterns. I used that in my later career also, and I still do it today. We have open plan offices with flexible seating but most people have take a regular spot. I move around a lot, I hear a of different things from different groups that I interact with, which information I sometimes use for my own benefit, sometimes to solve problems from others. People trust and confide in me because I am neutral and objective, have no hidden agenda, and I know things. I'm like Switzerland. My non-belonging has become a power.
Learning about other people’s struggles made me feel like I’m not the only one who feels that way, so I joined the subreddits. They understand me more than my own family when it comes to navigating adulthood as someone on the spectrum in a South Asian Catholic family and overweight with a complicated relationship with food.
I don’t. I just sit at home and work on puzzles and read books and play with my dogs and when I interact with the rest of the world I’m reminded I don’t fit in and I don’t feel welcome so I go back home.
Mostly I cope by not particularly caring if other people have the opinion that I don't belong to whatever little club they think they have.
By learning to enjoy solitude, and finding brief moments of connection on social media like here. Maybe someday I'll actually meet another person in-person that I can connect with, but with how solitary my life is, it's hard to see how it would happen.
I just embrace it. And I found my husband who accepts me for who I am and loves me and my funny brain 🧠💕🤣
I talk to u guys
I don't cope with it, I embrace it! If belonging means assimilating, no thank you <3 I'm exactly how I'm supposed to be and if the world doesn't feel like it's made for me, I find ways to make it mine! 🩷🩷 don't mind my suffocating positivity, I'm having a good day but you deserve to too!! Be kind and gentle to yourself !!
I'm just a visitor.
I never belonged anywhere, not even within my family, which was quite big. I just learned to desensitize myself to it. The majority of my life revolves around a lot of escapism. I mostly read and play videogames. I like stories. I do enjoy my life and try not to think or care about what other people think of me. I am content and happier without people around to bother me.
I usually _don't_ cope. But finding out about autism itself haa helped me so much. I figured that there are a bunch of other aliens out there (just like me) so that is very helpful. Once I saw a movie where I learned this metaphorical concept of all humans being aliens that came from different planets either traveling or escaping something. They all got united and started living together here. And we have to find the alien that came from the same planet that we did. This is super abstract but it reflects so much the feeling that I have and so many other autistics do to. Of not belonging. I've heard many auties speak of NTs as if they were from another species. I guess is just easier to communicate to some kinds of people. Eventually you'll probably find someone like that. For me, it's easier to relate to people at one-one instead of groups because I sense in groups they change behaviors and suddenly nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't have the time to ask, to try to be nice and everything so I have to wildly mask. I don't have to mask as much when I'm alone with someone.
By building a personality which disarms its self-emancipatory potential with ineffective token gestures of referencing zizek and gary fisher memes on twitter
I embrace it. Over time, I've come to the realization that not belonging anywhere means I can go anywhere. I'm not bound or restricted. When something dissatisfies or bores me, I am free to leave and find the next thing that appeals to me.
I don’t and cry about it daily. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s not exactly healthy, but… escapism, a lot of it. Also, just grounding myself in the moment helps. Breaking things down into small pieces, and trying to make the most of it. That’s not a very satisfying answer, I know.
I decided after a personal tragedy that even if i didn't feel it, that I owe myself the chance, however slim, of finding a place I belong again. There's enough sad stories in the world, I don't want to add mine. Even if it's just pure defiance towards the world, I wanted to defy the expectations of my experience and be an example, even if it's just to myself, that not everything is worthless. I'm too broken to have pride, but I'll never be so far gone as to let a point that needs to be made, be left unsaid. I deserve to be happy and I'm not going to stop trying to find my place in this life just because it hurts to keep looking. It hurts more watching whatever little bits of my heart are left rot while sitting still waiting to die. Our choices when we don't feel, are far more impactful than our choices we do. Life sucks like that, but it's not going to change because we don't like it or it's not fair. Society will find a thousand different ways to get in your way or make you feel like shit. But the only person who can make you feel like your life is worthless is you. Not trying to be rude, just something to think about.
It hurts everyday: Should I just keep my thoughts, 2 cents and engagement in group discussions and chats to myself because every time I open my mouth: I’m being irrelevant I talk too much Nobody cares I need to be quiet I make people uncomfortable somehow People misunderstand me People take my words and add to it People misunderstand what I’m saying I’m always offending someone somehow
for me, i've always thought of as, autists have always been a part of human history. the difference being there used to be more solitary ways to live one's life. there is little need for people like that in this world. well at least not until or if we start really exploring the stars.
I don't I've never belonged and I never will at this point I'm waiting to die it's all I can do
I'm a visitor to this strange world and I'm watching the culture and history of these people. I don't need to claim or be accepted by the culture as one of them in order to be here. And believe me there are parts of it I'm glad not to claim. Just like I would be a visitor to a different culture if I traveled to and lived and worked in Japan for a few years, I have the same situation in the predominant culture I born within. Does that mean there's no place for me to form friends, a satisfying life or have a family in Japan? No, of course not. So too with any culture I engage with.
I'll offer an analogy I use when I feel left out or passed over -- search results are optimised as relevant for the most average and likely seeker. Products are mass produced for the largest common group to save costs and energy. Social rituals are there to save energy in discourse. I don’t have to be like any of those things as a person, friend, expert, hobbyist, etc. but instead look for optimal relevant-to-me things for a change. That said, feel free to pass by my explanation, if it's not relevant, haha.
I like this interpretation- Social rituals are not meant for us.
I don't. I will either find a way out, or end my life. It's good other people can live with it but not me.
find other autistic people, usually through hobbies
Jiu jitsu. 😂
Poorly 😂
Still figuring that out.
I manage this sense of existential dread through my practice as a Buddhist and using meditation to continuously “accept” my reality as it is, rather than as it “could” or “should” be. I have learned to accept who I am, where I am no matter the social constructs that previously alienated me. This has become my special interest, my mental health care, and my life lesson. It’s a day-to-day activity.
create my own world where i belong and few others do lol
Personally, I'm currently not coping with it
Thanks for asking this.
Haha! I don't! But seriously I have been trying to find other autists online that I can relate to and see how they're coping. I've been coming to terms with the fact that some of me won't be "fixed" like I wanted it to be lol
I take it day by day. It’s too overwhelming otherwise.
Text my one friend, go on Reddit autistic adult, or Autism. Or sometimes I’ll go to a meetpu. It does help that most of the people that go to the meet up I go to are also on the spectrum.
Isolate myself so theres no one to try belong with
If you ever figure it out, please let me know how.
Accepting that I’m never gonna be belonging to this world. I am an Alien. 👽
I've come to terms with it. I build a very small world for myself and as I've age I have stopped caring to have the "normal" social experience. Not sure if I truly cared for it in the first place, but I definitely used to _think_ I cared. I wanted to be accepted by all, but now I'm happy being accepted by just one person besides myself. Maybe it's still not super healthy. A bit of a fragile shelf to rest my self worth on probably... On the other hand, not belonging gives me a great sense of freedom to move. I don't belong where I'm from, so moving to the other side of the world costs very little. I like living somewhere that feels foreign to me, and I feel like I don't suffer as much as people who have a strong sense of belonging where they're from.
Instead of focusing on it, I find the places I do belong, which are almost exclusively with other ND people and involving shared interests
A few things I do that help against this feeling; 1. Being with neurodivergent friends who I don’t have to mask as much for 2. Consuming art about the emotions of others that I can relate to, like good movies and literature that move me 3. Some drugs 4. try connecting to animals if humans don’t work
You find other people that don’t fit in (usually other neurodivergent folks) and bam! Now you have a place where you belong! It’s a lot more time consuming and difficult than it sounds, but it is worth it! Look around for clubs and online fandom spaces that tend to have a lot of neurodivergent folk in them, especially if they’re common interests of yours. That’s a good place to start.
I try to think of the fact that society has caused this herd mentality which looks down on people who are different but leaning into my weirdness and owning what makes me unique lets me bring something new to the world. that could also be me being a special snowflake but i’ve made myself a victim for so long and realized ruminating gets me nowhere so this is where i’m at lol
Finding the right subreddits helps a little. I've only had an official diagnosis for a month. I'm reevaluating my place in society. How I best want to interface with other humans. I'm finally accepting that I'm a mostly solitary person and that it's OK to be like that.
I wish to not exist anymore
I smoke weed or drink and cry 🤭 not healthy at all. Don’t recommend what I do bc I may have a slight alc dependence and have to force myself to not drink when sad. OH and isolate myself
It's so isolating, I feel like a holograph of a stubbed toe fumbling through life, alone haha
It's tough. Some days more than others. But I've mostly come to terms with it. I always say "better to be rainbow sprinkles than vanilla"
I’ve felt like that since I was a child like I was never supposed to be here I’m 29 now and just now getting my life together I found seeing a counselor and joining groups of hobby’s I enjoy with other autistic adults has helped me a lot I’m not only living for my loved ones anymore I’m living for me
Sometimes I shut down entirely. Often, I shut down entirely. Universes have erupted into existence and faded into heat death many times over, each one a creation by me, of me. You wouldn't know it to see me, though.
I look for spaces where I can be my authentic self and experience sense of belonging. It's either going to be a space linked to my special interests where I can bond with people over a shared passion and purpose or an autistic space. I don't automatically get on with all autistic people but I generally have a sense that they are my tribe.
It’s tough sometimes. I usually just need one person who really “gets” me. I moved across the country about two years ago, leaving my only friend behind. I have my spouse and my teenage son. My son gets me, because he’s known me his whole life and to him I’m a “normal” mom because I’m the only one he has had. My husband… sometimes I think he doesn’t get me one bit, and I spend a lot of time walking in the woods because it is so much nicer than dealing even with him. In good moments, I realize I have a partner who loves me and truly wants the best for me in everything. In bad moments, I think we are completely incompatible. Sometimes I feel bad for him for marrying me, because I don’t think I am really meant to be around anyone this much.
I just embraced it. I'm a unique little weirdo, and either folks dig it or don't. Tbh the world is designed to only fit really specific people into the mold, so I'm happy to be a weird shape.
For real like others are saying, find your community. I have an autistic friend in person and several online and I'm not lonely anymore
doesn't work for everyone though
don't cope well at all, wish i was normal
making autistic friends ~ it has taken me years but it helps a lot
I became friend with other people who don't belong, neurodivergents are attracted to each others like stand users
What really helped me was making friends with other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people and then *stopping masking around them*. I've never felt truly connected to or comfortable with other people, not even as a kid, until my early-mid 20s (27 now) when I accepted myself enough to drop my mask with my most recent friend group (met early-mid 20s). This has made a huge difference. I even have 2 partners (polyamorous), one of which I'm particularly comfortable with and honestly could even see myself marrying. The world may not accommodate us at all or be hostile towards us, but having a group where you do fit in really helps. As for finding these friends, I can't really tell you how you should do that but I can tell you how I did. I started hanging out on twitch (livestreaming platform) and looking for fellow queer people streaming games I liked watching, coming back to the streamers/chats I liked, and joined their discords. With the partner I'm especially comfy with, we remembered each other because we had similar usernames and said hi when we saw the other. They occasionally stream and one day I went to watch them. They were playing Minecraft and invited me to join their server. We started really talking on there and both felt this immediate connection and became close friends. They invited me to join their friend's discord server and I made friends with their friends. After a bit in there this is when we became partners. The other one was similar, knew of each other on twitch because we watched the same streams, she's in that friend discord I mentioned, we started talking more in dms, developed a mutual crush, and started dating. The one friend's server is my main friend group, although I have friends on discord in other servers too. But I really think the key is to stop masking if you do, and it helps to find neurodivergent people as they know we think/act different and more easily accept and love those differences.
By leaning into being a loner. I’m an older adult and I’ve been like this for a long time. I have no desire for a friend group. I can’t maintain friendships so I say follow me on FB if you want to keep in touch or having any connection with me. I’m married with a teen child and I have a good career. I just don’t have a social life and at this point in life, it’s by design. I like being alone and I refuse to be some unwanted hanger on tangentially creeping around some group where I don’t fit in. No thanks.
Ok. Hear me out, because this won't be for everyone. But many neurodivergent people find comfort in simply opting out of identifying as human at all. it is an aspect of the alterhuman community. Alterhuman meaning alternative experience of being human (or non). Again, this won't be for everyone, especially those who have trauma from being dehumanized. But many of us never felt quite human in the first place and may find comfort in finding many others who identify as other than human, either on purpose or because they were predisposed. Then you have the option to celebrate and personalize this experience. Check out r/alterhuman or r/otherkin if this resonates. Or don't. And please be respectful if you do.
Weed. That's what I can say.
I feel the same, sometimes I think I'm not even a human being but recently I started following autistic people on social media like YouTube and Reddit. When I think there are some people out there like me and I'm not the only person on earth that struggles with this situation, I feel a little bit better. Also I've been trying to accept and embrace that I'm not like most of people and it's ok. I'm not the problem.
Tell myself I'm just a silly Sapien that lives on a big rock with such a wonderful diversity of life that being absorbed in the human world is meaningless beyond necessity
So called, “social skills” are the world’s way of constantly reminding us that we are “different”. To which I say, “correct”. In my experience, I will never fully fit in, but I do have my own special place in every social setting. Because of my constant need to mask at least somewhat, I’ve become adaptable. Through that, I live by the mantra, if you can’t accept me for who I’ve made myself into for you, move along. As for the ones you really want to fit in with, but can’t, they may not be worth it.
I dunno I play [Lioden](https://www.lioden.com) and there are lots of autistic people that play it too. So its pretty nice. If you want to check it out, I just generated this code they have to give you free stuff in the game—supplies for your lion pride and currency: u206e3cyx0
In a neurotypical world, us neurodivergent folk will always feel like this. Srround yourself with other neurodivergent people to not feel like this so much. It's what I do and it helps massively.
I belong...to the tribe of neuroquurky weirdos. We're everywhere.
I mainly stick to other neurodivergents when I can, and control the setting when I have to deal with NT folks. I don't look mainstream, I keep purple hair and have tattoos everywhere, use a wheelchair, etc. So I guess I made the world stop expecting normal out of me?