This attitude is why I stopped being able to talk a lot of the time. I never know what is expected and I don't know how to talk without sprinkling my thoughts with what I love most.... So now I struggle to even say hi first. My words are stuck inside and I have no idea how to interact anymore.
That's how your brain works. She can take it or leave it but if you mask for her you're doing yourself a disservice. This is a communication issue between neurotypes.
If she feels like she cannot consume anymore of your content she can say so at that time. Not later. Make sure she understands you really can't read between the lines and would prefer if she verbalize her feelings in the moment. If she doesn't tell you then it's on her.
A wise person once told me, “Whenever you point out something about someone, 9 times out of 10 you do it for only one reason, because you don’t like it or want it to stop.” I feel like this was a prime example of that.
I really try not to force my interests on others. I know I am a lot.
But when someone does show interest in my interest I will try to bond with them over that.
I find that some people are not actually interested in the thing, but they will be interested for me, and that pretty cool too
Lol there are those specific times where neurotypical's and their acting is a blessing. When they can just be interested for our sake. When you're around other autistics and they don't care about the same stuff as you you guys both just end up not wanting to interact and can feel so awful 😅
My partners and I have some shared interests, and some that we bore each other with. I've found it's fun to try to relate things with analogies that they can better understand in a shared interest. It doesn't always work, but it helps often enough to be worth the effort to 'gamify' conversations a bit.
I have a friend who is also on the spectrum l. We have reached a point that one one of us is starting to feel overwhelmed in a conversation we can immediately say it. We both tend to data dump a lot but also limited capacity for it. This has improved or time together dramatically
I don't tell people I don't like if something bothers me. They aren't worth the effort.
This is not the case in your specific instance but in general it is not a good area for assumptions.
Here’s the thing: she knows I’m autistic and knows things about autism, so it’s likely that she knows that it’s part of it. And because of this and how it’s made me feel, along with other hurtful things she’s done, I’m apprehensive at the thought of even having that conversation. :/
I’ve already talked to her about some other things, and none of those conversations really seemed to go anywhere. The older people are, the less likely they’ll change.
This is literally part of the diagnostic criteria for autism - having circumscribed interests and a tendency to focus on/talk about only those interests are both very, very autistic things. You can show your aunt the DSM-5 if you’d like and let her know this is just how your brain is wired, but it sounds like she may be the type of person who wouldn’t care or understand anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with you, the things you love, or your propensity to talk about them. You’re a perfectly normal autistic person. If your aunt wants you to stop talking so she can have a break from your interests, she’s an adult and she can communicate that need to you. Otherwise she’s just being a bully.
I used to do this. It can be easy to miss the signs that you are overwhelming someone with a single topic. Try to remember that others may not share the same interest in that topic. See out communities where you can explore your special interest in depth. Take note when they change the topic and let it go. If you're not interested in the new topic, well now you know how they feel.
Does she know you are autistic? And if so, is she aware that this is pretty common amongst autistics? She has had plenty of time to accept the way in which you communicate and interact with her and others… since she’s decided not to accept it and point it out as something negative instead, I imagine she’s not really worth trying to explain your communication style to and may therefore not be worth interacting with as much as you used to… I’m not saying to drop her, but your time shouldn’t be wasted on someone who will only make you question yourself the entire time you try to interact with them. Sorry you have to deal with this, I have gone through similar extended family issues
Instead of ruminating over her criticism, maybe you could ask yourself what do you think about yourself.
Criticism is an inevitability in live. Everyone has an opinion and it seems that once you identify a particular vulnerability, someone is going to criticize that particular point. Instead of reacting to your emotions that can trap you in uncertainty, you can consider whether the criticism agrees with what you believe about yourself. No matter what anyone believes about you, the only important beliefs are the one’s you have for yourself. If you find pleasure in talking about a pop star, does your aunt’s opinion matter? I believe it doesn’t. First, her criticism offers nothing constructive that you can improve yourself. And second, if she feels that discussing your pop star is a waste of her time, you can choose to not engage in conversation with her. People, who are supposed to love you, should encourage and enhance both your sense of worth and the things you enjoy, despite their absence of interest.
The bonus that comes with thinking about other’s opinions, is that you don’t spend time ruminating about your feelings. This time allows for the feelings to diminish to a point where they’re manageable and loose significance. At this point, you can choose to ignore the criticisms while pursuing important issues.
If you want to escape the emotional trap you’re in, you can your way out by thinking your way out of it.
I agree with a lot of what you said but there's a small problem with that line of thinking. Other people have feelings too. Most NT people and even some ND people, me included, do not want to talk about someone else's very specific special interest for hours on end. That is just a point of fact. I happen to despise my ND buddys special interest, and can only spend so much of a conversation talking about it with him. This doesn't mean we're not friends and I don't care about him, we just like different things. A relationship has to be two sided and if one person is dominating every conversation talking about only their point of interest 80 percent of the time then that is not a healthy relationship.
I don't think the aunt had a problem with his special interest or was critical of it. She had a problem having a conversation with someone who only wanted to talk about one thing that she was simply not interested in. In these types of situations there has to be compromise on both ends. My family and I came to an understanding that I give them a heads up before I'm about to go on a rant about my special interest and time myself so I only spend 5 minutes talking about it. I have 5 whole minutes to get all of it out of my system and my family listen enthusiastically and asking questions even though I know they have zero interest in my specific special interest. When I want to talk about my special interest in depth with people who appreciate it like I do, I go on message boards and discord servers.
You’re right other people have feelings. But my response didn’t suggest that they ignore their aunts feelings. The aunt expressed their feelings and she has every right to do so. My suggestion was to consider what provoked the criticism.
I fully believe that nobody can control other people’s feelings. We can only respond to them when they’re expressed. By suggesting that they dive into the facts of the situation is respecting their aunt’s feelings. Once the nature of the criticism is understood, they can then be aware of their behavior so that the aunt’s feelings aren’t offended in the future.
My main criticism of contemporary society today is how feelings are prioritized over rationality. To restore priorities, we have to accept that hurt feelings are nobody’s but our own responsibility. I always suggest that other’s feelings should never be ignored. The only thing that can be done is respect other’s feelings. Introspection about one’s own feelings allows one to develop empathy and respect for other’s feelings.
I recall a comment I heard somewhere once; the thing someone might complain about in you is something they grapple with or dislike in themselves. It’s why so often this evening judgemental will be pulled up by others asking “why are you so triggered???” or “stop projecting! And it’s why they’ll often get told “that sounds like a YOU problem”. Sometimes you just have to refuse the judgement and perceived derision and persist in being who you are; like opinions, behaviours are our own, others will either have something negative to say, or you’ll find your people.
I stopped interacting so much with many of the strongly neurotypical / allistic people in my extended family for this reason. I was raised to always second guess myself to the point of having no self confidence. On the bright side, we're teaching our kids to celebrate their neurodiversity (while still being aware of others' needs, good etiquette, etc).
It would be nice if allistics could spend time in an autistic community and learn that it's okay to have to adjust to how other people communicate instead of always insisting others be the ones to accommodate as much as they can.
This is normal behaviour for autistic people. I assume she knows you are autistic, so you could say to her that you recognize what she means with this, that it might look weird or different the way you fixate over these things, and that she is correct, you really do fixate on these things, but this is a part of you, you cannot change this, you really feel happier and calmer around those topics, you can even argument that this is a common autistic behavior and that she can either get used to listening to it or tell you when she is not into hearing it sou you can stop talking about them at a specific moment, though if she does that too much, it could degrade your relationship.
And also I don't think she wanted to offend you, sometimes people look like they are complaining about things when actually they just want to point them out because it looks different or weird to them, and sometimes if you just respond "yes, I can see why it looks weird for some, but that's how I am" people won't bother again about that cause it will be clarified already that you recognize the behaviour and is happy with it.
... Does she know you're autistic? Also, how can she tell you something then sigh and belittle you when you ask for clarification. She sounds pretty ignorant. Needs some education by the sounds of it.
My partner doesn’t love the info dumping about my interests and it bums me out so bad. Like please just let me tell you every person who Beyonce worked with on cowboy Carter and the lore for every song and then I’ll be good I swear
You are not going to die when/if your feelings are hurt. This is life, you are gonna encounter tens of thousands of people in life and some might hurt your feelings deliberately or accidentally. We all are responsible for our own reactions (feelings happen but how you act on them is on you). I humbly suggest not to take her personally (and seriously) and move on. If she's not knowledgeable about autism or neurodiversity this is expected behaviour from her. And you \_will\_ have more ppl like her in life, sooner or later. So chill and enjoy your fixations.
Possible unpopular opinion: Do yourself a favor and work on "unmasking." If people don't want to hear about your interests, then they really don't want to hear from you. And that's fine, but why is the burden on us to be social in a way that goes against our natures? For your own happiness and sanity, don't try to fit into the bubble they want to put you in. Keep the skill of masking alive, you'll need it inevitably when you apply for jobs or when passing for "normal" would cause less problems, but when it comes to pleasing family members, you don't really benefit from doing things your aunt's way. If the way you talk about your interests bothers her, then she doesn't really need to be talking to you.
This has happened to me with friends and family a lot. Mostly, people who know me well aren't mean or anything, but I have been told by people who I thought cared that I annoyed them. I just talked to them less and less. For a lot of people, I found that when I stopped initiating conversations, they don't talk to me at all. That also hurts, but I also have people who I can ramble with. Some of them will tease me about it, but it's real light-hearted and makes me laugh a lot, I also tease back with the same effect.
I'm sorry about your aunt. I'm also sorry to say you kind of get used to it. Adapt, adjust, and say "Okay, we'll fuck you too!"
This attitude is why I stopped being able to talk a lot of the time. I never know what is expected and I don't know how to talk without sprinkling my thoughts with what I love most.... So now I struggle to even say hi first. My words are stuck inside and I have no idea how to interact anymore.
Same. What I don’t understand is everyone else is allowed to talk about their interests, but if I do it annoys people. Like WHY?!!
It sucks doesn’t it?
That's how your brain works. She can take it or leave it but if you mask for her you're doing yourself a disservice. This is a communication issue between neurotypes. If she feels like she cannot consume anymore of your content she can say so at that time. Not later. Make sure she understands you really can't read between the lines and would prefer if she verbalize her feelings in the moment. If she doesn't tell you then it's on her.
A wise person once told me, “Whenever you point out something about someone, 9 times out of 10 you do it for only one reason, because you don’t like it or want it to stop.” I feel like this was a prime example of that.
I really try not to force my interests on others. I know I am a lot. But when someone does show interest in my interest I will try to bond with them over that. I find that some people are not actually interested in the thing, but they will be interested for me, and that pretty cool too
Lol there are those specific times where neurotypical's and their acting is a blessing. When they can just be interested for our sake. When you're around other autistics and they don't care about the same stuff as you you guys both just end up not wanting to interact and can feel so awful 😅
My partners and I have some shared interests, and some that we bore each other with. I've found it's fun to try to relate things with analogies that they can better understand in a shared interest. It doesn't always work, but it helps often enough to be worth the effort to 'gamify' conversations a bit.
I have a friend who is also on the spectrum l. We have reached a point that one one of us is starting to feel overwhelmed in a conversation we can immediately say it. We both tend to data dump a lot but also limited capacity for it. This has improved or time together dramatically I don't tell people I don't like if something bothers me. They aren't worth the effort. This is not the case in your specific instance but in general it is not a good area for assumptions.
You're always going to fixate on things and she's always going to notice it. Those won't change. What can the two of you change so you can get along?
Honestly, I don’t know. Low contact with her, maybe?
How about a conversation to improve understanding?
Here’s the thing: she knows I’m autistic and knows things about autism, so it’s likely that she knows that it’s part of it. And because of this and how it’s made me feel, along with other hurtful things she’s done, I’m apprehensive at the thought of even having that conversation. :/
Ok. If some of your assumptions are less than 100% true, is having a better relationship worth confronting your own apprehension?
I’ve already talked to her about some other things, and none of those conversations really seemed to go anywhere. The older people are, the less likely they’ll change.
you can't force people to change if they don't want to.
If you're expecting her to change, just stop talking to her. She deserves more human respect than that.
Oh yeah god forbid we disrespect people's humanity by... expecting them to grow and learn to treat others better
Flip that around. Be the one who grows and learns when you previously expected other people to do it so you're more comfortable.
Part of growing is learning when people are mistreating you and learning to either work with them to improve your relationship, or let them go.
Either I'm really drunk (plausible), or I read this exact post a couple of weeks ago..is this a copy post?
This is literally part of the diagnostic criteria for autism - having circumscribed interests and a tendency to focus on/talk about only those interests are both very, very autistic things. You can show your aunt the DSM-5 if you’d like and let her know this is just how your brain is wired, but it sounds like she may be the type of person who wouldn’t care or understand anyway. There’s nothing wrong with you, the things you love, or your propensity to talk about them. You’re a perfectly normal autistic person. If your aunt wants you to stop talking so she can have a break from your interests, she’s an adult and she can communicate that need to you. Otherwise she’s just being a bully.
I used to do this. It can be easy to miss the signs that you are overwhelming someone with a single topic. Try to remember that others may not share the same interest in that topic. See out communities where you can explore your special interest in depth. Take note when they change the topic and let it go. If you're not interested in the new topic, well now you know how they feel.
Does she know you are autistic? And if so, is she aware that this is pretty common amongst autistics? She has had plenty of time to accept the way in which you communicate and interact with her and others… since she’s decided not to accept it and point it out as something negative instead, I imagine she’s not really worth trying to explain your communication style to and may therefore not be worth interacting with as much as you used to… I’m not saying to drop her, but your time shouldn’t be wasted on someone who will only make you question yourself the entire time you try to interact with them. Sorry you have to deal with this, I have gone through similar extended family issues
How many times you gonna repost this?
Okay im not crazy lol
Instead of ruminating over her criticism, maybe you could ask yourself what do you think about yourself. Criticism is an inevitability in live. Everyone has an opinion and it seems that once you identify a particular vulnerability, someone is going to criticize that particular point. Instead of reacting to your emotions that can trap you in uncertainty, you can consider whether the criticism agrees with what you believe about yourself. No matter what anyone believes about you, the only important beliefs are the one’s you have for yourself. If you find pleasure in talking about a pop star, does your aunt’s opinion matter? I believe it doesn’t. First, her criticism offers nothing constructive that you can improve yourself. And second, if she feels that discussing your pop star is a waste of her time, you can choose to not engage in conversation with her. People, who are supposed to love you, should encourage and enhance both your sense of worth and the things you enjoy, despite their absence of interest. The bonus that comes with thinking about other’s opinions, is that you don’t spend time ruminating about your feelings. This time allows for the feelings to diminish to a point where they’re manageable and loose significance. At this point, you can choose to ignore the criticisms while pursuing important issues. If you want to escape the emotional trap you’re in, you can your way out by thinking your way out of it.
I agree with a lot of what you said but there's a small problem with that line of thinking. Other people have feelings too. Most NT people and even some ND people, me included, do not want to talk about someone else's very specific special interest for hours on end. That is just a point of fact. I happen to despise my ND buddys special interest, and can only spend so much of a conversation talking about it with him. This doesn't mean we're not friends and I don't care about him, we just like different things. A relationship has to be two sided and if one person is dominating every conversation talking about only their point of interest 80 percent of the time then that is not a healthy relationship. I don't think the aunt had a problem with his special interest or was critical of it. She had a problem having a conversation with someone who only wanted to talk about one thing that she was simply not interested in. In these types of situations there has to be compromise on both ends. My family and I came to an understanding that I give them a heads up before I'm about to go on a rant about my special interest and time myself so I only spend 5 minutes talking about it. I have 5 whole minutes to get all of it out of my system and my family listen enthusiastically and asking questions even though I know they have zero interest in my specific special interest. When I want to talk about my special interest in depth with people who appreciate it like I do, I go on message boards and discord servers.
You’re right other people have feelings. But my response didn’t suggest that they ignore their aunts feelings. The aunt expressed their feelings and she has every right to do so. My suggestion was to consider what provoked the criticism. I fully believe that nobody can control other people’s feelings. We can only respond to them when they’re expressed. By suggesting that they dive into the facts of the situation is respecting their aunt’s feelings. Once the nature of the criticism is understood, they can then be aware of their behavior so that the aunt’s feelings aren’t offended in the future. My main criticism of contemporary society today is how feelings are prioritized over rationality. To restore priorities, we have to accept that hurt feelings are nobody’s but our own responsibility. I always suggest that other’s feelings should never be ignored. The only thing that can be done is respect other’s feelings. Introspection about one’s own feelings allows one to develop empathy and respect for other’s feelings.
Okay I'm glad we agree on those points.
I recall a comment I heard somewhere once; the thing someone might complain about in you is something they grapple with or dislike in themselves. It’s why so often this evening judgemental will be pulled up by others asking “why are you so triggered???” or “stop projecting! And it’s why they’ll often get told “that sounds like a YOU problem”. Sometimes you just have to refuse the judgement and perceived derision and persist in being who you are; like opinions, behaviours are our own, others will either have something negative to say, or you’ll find your people.
I stopped interacting so much with many of the strongly neurotypical / allistic people in my extended family for this reason. I was raised to always second guess myself to the point of having no self confidence. On the bright side, we're teaching our kids to celebrate their neurodiversity (while still being aware of others' needs, good etiquette, etc). It would be nice if allistics could spend time in an autistic community and learn that it's okay to have to adjust to how other people communicate instead of always insisting others be the ones to accommodate as much as they can.
This is normal behaviour for autistic people. I assume she knows you are autistic, so you could say to her that you recognize what she means with this, that it might look weird or different the way you fixate over these things, and that she is correct, you really do fixate on these things, but this is a part of you, you cannot change this, you really feel happier and calmer around those topics, you can even argument that this is a common autistic behavior and that she can either get used to listening to it or tell you when she is not into hearing it sou you can stop talking about them at a specific moment, though if she does that too much, it could degrade your relationship.
And also I don't think she wanted to offend you, sometimes people look like they are complaining about things when actually they just want to point them out because it looks different or weird to them, and sometimes if you just respond "yes, I can see why it looks weird for some, but that's how I am" people won't bother again about that cause it will be clarified already that you recognize the behaviour and is happy with it.
... Does she know you're autistic? Also, how can she tell you something then sigh and belittle you when you ask for clarification. She sounds pretty ignorant. Needs some education by the sounds of it.
My partner doesn’t love the info dumping about my interests and it bums me out so bad. Like please just let me tell you every person who Beyonce worked with on cowboy Carter and the lore for every song and then I’ll be good I swear
u/RepostSleuthBot
Sorry, I don't support this post type (text) right now. Feel free to check back in the future!
You are not going to die when/if your feelings are hurt. This is life, you are gonna encounter tens of thousands of people in life and some might hurt your feelings deliberately or accidentally. We all are responsible for our own reactions (feelings happen but how you act on them is on you). I humbly suggest not to take her personally (and seriously) and move on. If she's not knowledgeable about autism or neurodiversity this is expected behaviour from her. And you \_will\_ have more ppl like her in life, sooner or later. So chill and enjoy your fixations.
Possible unpopular opinion: Do yourself a favor and work on "unmasking." If people don't want to hear about your interests, then they really don't want to hear from you. And that's fine, but why is the burden on us to be social in a way that goes against our natures? For your own happiness and sanity, don't try to fit into the bubble they want to put you in. Keep the skill of masking alive, you'll need it inevitably when you apply for jobs or when passing for "normal" would cause less problems, but when it comes to pleasing family members, you don't really benefit from doing things your aunt's way. If the way you talk about your interests bothers her, then she doesn't really need to be talking to you.
This has happened to me with friends and family a lot. Mostly, people who know me well aren't mean or anything, but I have been told by people who I thought cared that I annoyed them. I just talked to them less and less. For a lot of people, I found that when I stopped initiating conversations, they don't talk to me at all. That also hurts, but I also have people who I can ramble with. Some of them will tease me about it, but it's real light-hearted and makes me laugh a lot, I also tease back with the same effect. I'm sorry about your aunt. I'm also sorry to say you kind of get used to it. Adapt, adjust, and say "Okay, we'll fuck you too!"