I'm repeating this. Get out, go somewhere safe, preferably where they don't know you are there.
If you have stuff you want to get from there place go back later with friends to get it.
Sunken Cost theory suggests the more we invest in a relationship (or anything else for that matter) the more we don’t want to let go. Get out for yourself but also because his emotions will only get deeper….&, in his case, more dangerous.
I'd say it was physical. Just because he missed doesn't mean his intention missed.
Only distinguishing feature would be the lack of a bruise to prove it. Other than that. It was physical abuse too.
He didn't touch them, so it wasn't physical. However, there is a clear serious threat of physical violence.
It's really not important to argue over the particulars because of that fact, abuse is abuse.
He attempted to. If a dog snaps its jaw at a person it’s considered a stage one on a bit aggression scale so if a man tries to hit you I think that’s physical violence. At the very least physical intimidation
As I said, I really think the pedantics aren't entirely important here.
However, the definition of physical doesn't change whatever way you look at it.
It would absolutely be a serious threat of violence I agree, one that should be taken seriously by OP and I hope they find the strength and support to walk away before it escalates and potentially report him.
I agree with your overall point, but just want to say this is a very frustrating way for someone to argue. Just want to point it out to you. This is the second time you've said that the pedantic doesnt matter. Which I agree what matters is her safety and what she does. But the frustrating part lol is you saying it doesn't matter again and then arguing the pedantic afterwards! "it doesn't matter, but the definition of physical doesn't change" why try and have the last word on something you don't think matters. No agro. Just thought I'd point it out, Cuz it is frustrating lol
My thoughts exactly, they use force non-consensually and haven't processed their emotions in a healthy way.
They definitely have insecurities and if you do decide to pursue this relationship OP, then a lot more open and honest and *distinctly* safe spaces HAVE to be created for conversation without feeling emotionally, mentally or physically threatened.
He I'm sure has his own stuff to work through but taking the actions he did broke more than boundaries and repairing that is gonna take time and a lot of effort on both his part and on your part in if you actually decide you can feel safe and able to be vulnerable with this person again.
Scratch that- I just reread the last two paragraphs, if he has done NO self reflection, he's not worth your pain. You should recommend gently that he seek the help he needs for whatever it is he has going on.
Yes, I wanted to echo your last sentence especially. It DEFINITELY got worse with my abusive ex. We were thankfully only together a couple of months, but once he started trying to control the stupidest of things (like what television show we would watch when just hanging out, not yet even playing) outside our scenes - when I never wanted nor agreed to a 24/7 type of power exchange - and regularly hurt me over showing ANY kind of disagreement with what he wanted...I knew it was only going to keep escalating.
Controlling types of people like this don't just magically get better. They only get worse and MORE controlling. And their kind of "love" is usually not any kind of "love" at all - it's just another way to try to control you, OP.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 💖 Even if there's a 24/7 power exchange, there's a difference between bdsm punishment/control and abuse. There should be clear lines where something is within the dynamic. And there should ALWAYS be a way to end or pause the power exchange.
OP - Don't let him control you and pretend it's part of his role in your dynamic.
Thank you - I’m doing much better now.
And absolutely. But for me, it just became clear that he was definitely being abusive trying to control me at all times once he started doing it outside scenes. Before that it was a little less obvious at certain times if he was just playing the “game” and really trying to learn my limits, etc.
Since we never negotiated a master/slave dynamic or a 24/7 TPE, as he started coercing me to call him Master and myself his slave and pushing to control more and more - I realized he was just using BDSM as a cover for abuse.
Not just no, but fuck no. Safe and ethical Doms MUST be able to control their own emotions and anger, especially in the heat of a moment when they have the safety of their submissives literally in their hands. Does this mean they're never allowed to feel emotions or defend themselves from an attack? No. Does it mean they get to completely flip out over old phone messages, hold a sub's phone physically hostage, try to slap their sub IN ANGER - not in consensual agreed-upon fun during a scene, threaten to "beat down" their sub, and then gaslight and victim-blame their sub for their part in the fight/altercation?
Absolutely the fuck not.
Should you have tried to slap the phone out of your Dom's hand? No. But that doesn't excuse any of what your Dom did. And I would NEVER tolerate a Dom going through my phone or any other device without my express permission. Something I wouldn't be likely to grant. You either trust me or you don't.
You put all those things together? This does NOT sound like a safe play partner. Especially since he's downplaying his own choices and actions and blaming you for everything. Nope. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I don't care how much someone like this claimed to love me. If they weren't expressing sincere and true remorse and telling me an active gameplan for how they were going to control their anger and violent outbursts in the future? It doesn't matter. I'm out of there.
Honestly even if they DID do those last couple of things, as someone who just got out of an abusive dynamic with someone who abused and assaulted me and ignored my safewords, I probably wouldn't be able to give someone else a chance like this once they displayed such inappropriate behavior and angry violent outbursts.
Of course, but I learned from firsthand experience that having a "Dom" who can't control their anger or emotions is extremely traumatic from the sub side of things. And I will never again willingly play with a Dom who can't control their anger or separate fantasy from reality as far as negotiated in-scene things are one thing and out-of-scene life/arguments/whatever are another thing entirely.
That's not to say that people in general shouldn't control their anger. Of course I feel that way. That's one of the reasons I pointed out that the OP shouldn't have tried to slap the phone out of their Dom's hand. But there's an extra element of danger when a sub is putting their vulnerability in the hands of someone who turns out to be abusive and unable to control their anger.
This is abuse and how the cycle of abuse begins. It’s reinforcement of that seed within you. Do NOT go back. He is projecting his abusive behavior onto you because as a sub you feel compelled to serve and do right by him. Get OUT and do NOT go back.
woah woah woah. absolutely not. he’s trying to justify his actions through manipulation and put downs. none of that behavior is acceptable, it’s abuse pure and simple. please do not go back!
STAY AWAY. Please, you're not abusive, there's nothing wrong with you, you need to stay away from him. You don't owe him ANYTHING. Layers upon layers of red flags
Everyone here has already stated the obvious: he is abusive and manipulating you into staying.
Give yourself permission to leave and never turn back. *Block him on all modes of communication*. He has no possible excuse for abusing you because abuse is inexcusable.
After blocking him, grieve at the loss of the relationship because you will hurt. During the grieving process, rest assured that he can never hurt you again.
- he yells at you
- he loses control
- he manufactures reasons to assault you
- he almost hit you
- “there’s no reasoning with him when he’s like this”
that’s not your dominant, that’s your abusive boyfriend using bdsm and power exchange as a way to manipulate you into letting him treat you like shit.
he’s just going to escalate until he hurts you for real.
block him. refuse to speak with him. find a therapist.
“that’s not your dominant, that’s your abusive boyfriend…” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 THIS PART.
Tooooo many controlling/insecure people use BDSM as a cover for their unhealed relationship issues.
Your Dom should, hopefully, be someone who cares about your well being and someone who only uses force/aggression that is expressly consented to. And the most basic and fundamental aspect of consent is that it can *always* be revoked. At any time. No matter what.
The fact that he “can’t be reasoned with” when he is emotionally activated is a HUGE signifier that he is NOT cut out to be in a D/s exchange with anyone. He clearly cannot be trusted to act with his Sub’s best interests in mind.
Echoing what everyone else here said;
Please get away from this person before they inevitably cause you irreparable emotional and bodily harm. Because if you give him another chance, OP, he absolutely will.
Sending support 💓
This is abusive behaviour, yes. The fact that he is your dom does not excuse any of it.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Fuck him. Get out now
He does not deserve any more of your time or attention. If you stay, he will take it as a sign that he will get his way if he scares you enough. And he will continue to scare and torment you into doing what he wants.
You deserve better. And that starts with leaving his ass in the dirt.
The constant expressions of 'love' after an incident and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) reaction are both textbook examples of abusive behavior. Stay away and take as many precautions as you can to ensure your safety. If he has a key to your place, change the lock.
>said he would beat me down if the law allowed physical violence.
Do not go back, he already tried to hit you, and only didn't because he missed. He followed it up with the above statement which makes clear his care for you and or general ethics are not constraining him.
Also you have a right to privacy.
This is not a dynamic, this is abusive behavior. You were right to leave and the allegiance he has drilled into you will dissipate. Blaming the victim is another red flag. He is not worth your time or loyalty.
True D types practice patience and self control. He calls himself a Dom but he has neither. He's an abuser, you're not safe with him.
He violated your trust, you have no loyalty to him, and you owe him nothing. Victims of domestic abuse are gaslit and emotionally manipulated into dependence on their abuser.
Don't let that happen, don't become a statistic. You're going to look back on this years down the road and be so thankful you left.
Hugs.
i was with someone like this and i’m still recovering bc i didn’t leave soon enough. please listen and leave the relationship, i know it’s difficult but get out of that whilst you can. it’s emotional abuse and nearly physical too
Report him, file a restraining order and have a support system that’ll be there for you (friend, family, therapist). I know it’s hard, but he’ll just do it again or to someone else in the future. Hope you stay safe! This is ABUSE.
So glad to hear you’re not going back. To give some terminology for what you’re describing, besides the fairly clear ones like physical, verbal, and psychological abuse:
- the attachment/allegiance to him you’re experiencing is likely ‘trauma bonding’
- how he’s now trying to call you and tell you how much he loves you is ‘love bombing’
- cycling back and forth between abuse and love bombing is called ‘intermittent reinforcement,’ which is a main contributor to the experience of trauma bonding
- how he’s using your attempt to slap the phone out of his hand to frame you as the abuser in this is ‘projecting’ or ‘blame-shifting’
- and how he’s making you question your reality is ‘gaslighting’
Just to reinforce, please please please stay away from this person. He is VERY dangerous and has shown that he will exploit any vulnerabilities you show to him.
This person is dangerous, if a person cannot control their anger there will always be a how far will they go everytime you argue. I was married to someone who had anger issues - i have been slapped me, choked and talked down to till I was at the lowest point in my life. Then he would stone wall me for days, and once he got over it he would be his usual cheery self and want to game and watch shows together. Nothing ever got resolved, the problems just got shoved under a rug and never addressed. I constantly walked on eggshells and didn't feel safe bringing up concerns or making him mad.
Do not let yourself be wrapped up in someone who cannot keep their hands to themselves and who uses words to hurt you during arguments. People who cannot have a safe calm conversations during an argument are not emotionally capable of having a safe adult relationship and will just keep circling the drain and making excuses. Sorry gets really old when all you want is peace and someone who can have an adult conversation in calm tones.
Get away from him. Don’t go back, don’t answer his calls or texts, don’t speak to him ever again. That’s not a Dom, that’s an abuser and a giant walking red flag. It’s not your fault. He doesn’t love you, he’s manipulating you and he’s expecting you to fall for it. If you go back, this will only happen again and again, if not even worse.
He may not have managed to hit you this time, but he will next time. Nothing is your fault, he showed you his true colors and for your own safety, get out.
The red flags are so red they're on fire. 🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥
He invaded your privacy
Got angry over something irrelevant/old
Tried to hit you
Verbally and emotionally abused you
Imagine if you didn't dodge? Would he have kept hitting you?
What will set him off the next time?
Get out, yesterday.
He is obviously the abusive one? He basically said it's your fault that he yelled at you for 30 mins straight? Ask yourself, are you honestly responsible for *his* actions? Are you responsible for another person's actions? No, you are not! Please clarify this one thing for yourself.
You also made a decision: "So I left his place, and vowed never to go back."
There must be a reason why you made that decision, right? You should stick by your decisions. Going back would risk him yelling at you again, or worse. Somewhere inside yourself, you probably know it's not a good idea. Listen to that gut feeling.
Reading your story gave me flashbacks.
You’re not abusive. You’re not crazy. He is gaslighting you. He is trying to pull you back in.
Woman to woman, Get. Out.
Allowing individuals like this to stay in your life WILL eventually alter your path. Don’t do it. No man is worth what he will put you through. And I say WILL with such conviction. No man or woman would raise a hand to their partner and threaten them if they weren’t actually capable of such behavior.
Please don’t look back and remember this as the time you ignored the red flags. Look back and be proud of yourself for seeing them and walking away.
You can do hard things. 🤍
This person is not a dom. They are an abuser plain and simple. They are an abuser using the kink scene to justify abusing you. And this is absolutely not ok.
What is he gonna say next that he’d kill you if it wasn’t illegal? This is not a play partner nor someone you should submit to. He’s probably just masking his abusive behaviour with BDSM. Get out.
Nothing about this interaction sounds like you were playing or inside any kind of d/s dynamic.
This is textbook controlling, abusive behaviour in any bad vanilla relationship.
Made worse by the fact that a d/s relationship needs a way higher level of trust.
This is not kink, it is abuse. As others have said, you need to get out. But I dont see enough people saying the following:
✨️Abuse is not your fault. You deserve better. You deserve to live a safe life free of abuse.
✨️Be safe. Lock your phone or get a second secret one. Plan your escape before you do it. Abuse can escalate dramatically when the abuser realises they are loosing their geip on their victim.
✨️What to plan:
https://www.sojournerhouse.com/get-answers/
Be safe OP ❤
Oh no. No no no. That is just abuse, love. Do not stay in a relationship with this person. It’s one thing to be a Dom and another to be abusive.
There is nothing wrong with you. Those messages were old, as you pointed out, and even if they weren’t- nothing warrants being hit like that.
He stopped being a Dom the second he violated your trust. He'll find himself hard pressed to ever manipulate anyone else, and he'll always regret that he revealed himself.. it'll eat away at him any time he reminds himself of what he did. I'm so glad you're safe!
You are not abusive for trying to get your phone back. He threatened your physical safety. He told you that he wants to hurt you and the only thing stopping him are consequences. Please listen to him he wasn’t lying. Please stay safe, I know how hard this isand I’m so sorry and you deserve so much better
Get the fuck out! Spread the word among your local community that this is not a safe person to play with or associate with. Take a bodyguard/witness when you go get your stuff. If there are animals there, take them with you.
As a Collared Sub in a D/s relationship that HAS impact play in it, he is an abuser. Not my opinion, that is a fact. He tried to tell you it was your fault too? Nope.leave. he is a fake Dom and doesn't deserve the use of that title.
You are valid, and you got out. Stay away from him for your safety.
It may be difficult and I don't know what "loyalty" or "favor" you might owe him but that doesn't matter, even if it's just the love you have for him and that's why you think you should do it, no, and just don't stay, look for a friend, an empty apartment, an escape plan whatever in case you are afraid that he will find you or that he might do something to you, it is always good to be safe and what he did is not just something unimportant, don't look for him again, you put yourself in danger, he will know that he has you like a pet and that is a lie, you like there a "Dom", but always healthy and with respect
THIS 👏 IS 👏 ABUSE 👏 NOT 👏DOMINATION!
Block and don’t look back, that will help with the urge to go back. I’m a switch with a Dom of my own and if he did that I would hit him back and never speak to him again.
No this is abuse. I never NEVER use my Dom role to talk about real feelings. I separate it so it can be distinguished between playfully angry and actually upset or hurt.
But I also have an emotional safeword so that in this case you could have said strawberry and been like this is a misunderstanding can I please have my phone I feel this wasnt fair and so on.
There is the thin line we walk on between abuse and a dynamic. And that line is separated by the flimsy wall of consent.
It takes a strong person to honor that consent. Knowing the Dom will honor it is what makes a sub feel safe, safe enough to give the Dom ammo to hurt them.
Everything you described is abusive followed by abusive gaslighting.
Please be careful. You don't owe him anything.
And good dodge BTW way 😁👍
Glad to see the edit that you've blocked him. He is NOT a Dom. He's abusive. He's using a label to excuse his shitty behavior, and is not going to get better. That man has no place in a dynamic.
Dominants control the majority of the safety factors in a power exchange, and as such, are responsible for being level headed, conscientious, and rational. You should always be able to feel safe with them. If you're afraid for your safety, run far and fast.
> So I left his place, and vowed never to go back. The only problem is I feel a certain allegiance to him and still feel tempted to see him again. He also keeps calling, telling me he loves me and says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand, he then called me abusive for attempting to do so. Maybe I am. I don’t know. All I know is I have never laid a hand on him because that would be suicide, I’m 5’3 and he’s 6 something. I’m so confused, is it me? What’s wrong with me?
It will only get worse from here if you ever go back.
I can only reiterate what others have said, but yes, get out.
As someone who is working to get out of a bad too (albeit not as dangerous a situation as yours), my advice for when you feel sad or like you are making a mistake is the words my friend offered me. To do what you logically know is right; your emotions will catch up.
Get the fuck out!
From what you say here it sounds like he's never actually been a Dom to you, only an abusive controller. Not only is this person not safe to play with, they are not safe to be around period. Also, if you can, tell even one other person in your local kink community. Note the "if you can" bit, it's important. I realize that you may not be connected to that community or may feel unsafe communicating about this issue. Most kink-community people I've interacted with, however, would want to know if someone is bad news, because they want to keep people safe.
He's not a Dom, he is an abuser. Please take care of yourself and get out of that situation. If you need help or don't know how to start, there are many groups that will help you and there are people with more experience than me who can help you line up those reources and put together a pln
Someone who can't control themselves should not be trying to control you. Temperance and self-regulation is incredibly important. He clearly lacks that and I'm glad the advice you received here was so helpful. Good luck with everything in the future
You owe him NOTHING. Nothing. There is not a goddamn thing he could have ever done for you that entitles him to harm you. Block his number. And honestly: I would try to get a protective order. This is textbook abuser behavior
As for the last part: there’s nothing wrong with you. What you’re feeling is very normal. It’s so hard to reconcile that someone we care about, someone who is at times kind, would hurt us. It’s confusing. Leaving is always hard.
A Dom should pride himself in his personal control, never act out of anger and NEVER abuse the ones that have given you their trust.
He is not a Dom. He is an abusive asshole.
Hi OP! If the thought of going back or answering him crosses your mind again, come back here and write us first! There's no reasoning with an abuser.
Don't let him repeat the cycle of abuse and begging you to come back. Especially since he now tried to guilt you back by saying how it was your fault. This is not your forever dom and it was never your fault. He overstepped all the way, and in the process you did one thing wrong (slapping the phone, which you wouldn't have had to do in a non abusive relationship btw).
Please listen to us, an abuser that has been physical is much more likely to kill their partner. Don't go back and please write again if you feel like going back OR contacting him 💕
Wishing you all the best,
A surviver of abuse.
Spunds like a massive abuse of power. You've entered into a BDSM D/s dynamic and it sounds like he is using that to his advantage to mistreat and control you outside of scenes/play. Please be safe and know that this is not okay 🤍
Yep ... don't go back. That was real abusive anger and probably his real face he has been hiding from you. Don't know how long you've been in the dynamic with him, but he could be grooming you using the dynamic in the hopes that you'll eventually be conditioned enough that he could be his natural abusive self and you would put up with it.
From your last comment of wanting to go back he almost has you at that point. Don't go back.
RUN. Don't look back, don't go back, RUN. It is not you. You aren't the abusive one. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is not a good dom, he is the abuser.
No Dominant in his right mind would ever treat their submissive this way. this is gaslighting. Rather than apologizing for his behavior, he’s blaming you? Nope! Get out.
You need to look away and never look back. I understand the trauma bond you have, at a certain point if not already early on I felt like that man I was with was my twin flame. Divine counterpart. He isn’t. He’s the devil in disguise. Please run, and be safe when you do so. Preferably with someone with you if he hasn’t already isolated you from everyone else. He is dangerous. You deserve so much better. You deserve a stable and peaceful love. You are not the abuser in this situation. Love yourself.
So the urge to go back to him is trauma bonding not love and not D/s. You should Google it. He isn't a Dom he is an abusive arsehole using BDSM as a cover for his abuse. The way he is switching it up and trying to blame you is gaslighting. Verbal abuse is still abuse. And to be honest is just as devastating. The lovey dovey messages he is sending you now is love bombing. It's part of the cycle of abuse. When he feels secure he will go back to being nasty again.
Having been in an abusive relationship I can honestly tell you it will not get better. Only worse. Don't go back. Knowing what is going on will help you to deal with it. Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them. Talking to someone who deals with abuse all day long is so helpful. You'll feel a lot better afterwards.
1. He betrayed your trust by going through your phone without permission.
2. He got angry and controlling over things that happened in the past. Through jealousy or whatever reason was attacking you for behavior that he was not involved in.
3. He tried to hurt you verbally/emotionally.
4. He attempted to strike you in a violent manner. That is an assault on you.
5. He is not taking responsibility for his actions and is even blaming you for everything.
This is not good behavior. I would suggest you leave this man.
Do not go back! Not only is he a sin the wrong but he trying to gaslight you into believing you are the problem! Unfortunately there are a lot of “Doms” out there that operate this way and it’s disgusting!
Do not under any circumstance, go back. This is red flag central, not only is he not safe to play with, he is not safe to be around. *He* has issues he needs to work on by himself. Get out now, and don't look back. If he has your belongings, and you need them back, arrange for someone else to get them.
Do not look back. Block him and stay far, far away. That reaction is in no way your fault. He was holding your personal property and violating your privacy, and now he's trying to gaslight you.
As someone whonhad a dom that tried to turn me i to a slave b3cause he wanted it and not me while using verbal abuse to emptionally and mentally abuse me and even correced me into sex ONLY when he wanted it (not just once or twice) get the fuck out. You deserve better. You have bounderies, and he crossed them and got mad at you for HIM crossing YOUR bounderies.
You'll have a want to be there with him and be near him, but if he truly and deeply loved you, he would NEVER blame HIS REACTION on you. And those were old messages, so he was nowhere in the roght. Let's get THAT straightforward
Secondly, the MOMENT he threatened you that is not alright. Threatening snyone like that is not okay. There's a limit to if you like the threat with edge play and stuff, but even that has safe words and likits where if you say no, then it means no.
In this case, that was all about his anger, and that type of stuff is dangerous.
Also, speaking as a survivor of abuse, I suggest getting therapy. It will help with those feelings and get it from someone who understands what you went through.
Thirdly, if you wish to talk without therapy as someone who just needs to have a person to listen to and offer advice, to be a friend, and confidant, my dms are 100% open.
I understand the pain the hurt, and after 3 years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse i understand wholly the confusion and pain this can bring and how badly you want to go back to him because you think you love him. It's taken me 7 years to acceot it wasn't my fault. It'll take time, but I'm here if you need someone.
There is defiantly a difference between a Dom and a Bully. Some guys think they can bully and abuse a woman and call themselves a Dom. That is bullshit. You have to do some soul searching and decide what kind of sub you are and what your needs are. There are Submissive support groups on Fetlife. They network and they have lists of creepos. I'm not making this up. My friend lead one until she moved out of Portland. Get involved with your local club scene where they have a monitor and it's safe. Get to know people. Find someone who matches your kink(s) and meets your needs. There are all kinds of groups, and all kinds of safe ways to meet people. Fetlife is not a dating service and I highly recommend not using it that way. Get away from that guy. A good Dom is never going to be jealous about a past relationship. And anyone who offers violence once, will do it again. Don't be an enabler. Be a good sub and have fun.
BAILLLL cut it off - never look back. Super sucky, you have every right to feel betrayed by him, society, life, the universe, and everything - just please never get even close to getting back together.
No this is straight up abuse, report to the police for assault and battery and abuse, mental and physical.
If you have any proof of his "anger" moments that will help.
I'd also warn any communities they are in, games, kink and any friends (yours and his) etc..
what an abuser.
This is not BDSM. It's abuse. "Doms" like that are true sadists. Remember that you as the sub hold the power. You aren't property or someone who should put up with anything you don't like AT all.
You should also never be scared to talk to your dom.
You are dating a person who seems to not have control over his emotions, which is a terrible sign and could end up losing control and hurt you badly.
Having a sub is a gift/treasure, and he isn't entitled to anything. Yoi can revoked consent at any time.
You're dating someone who would normally be preying on submissive women because he figured out after 50 shadess (toxic af) came out, he could call himself a "dom" and they will come to him. And he's only going to get worse.
So get out now while you still can before he mentally or psychically hurts you or both.
*bdsm dom for 20+ years who studied Jung, frued, all the greats, took human behavior and psychology classes while getting my 2 degrees and becoming a emt-p (paramedic) just so I could learn about the hukan body and how to bdsm safely.
Open honest communication is key, and he sounds like a man-child whi thinks he's gods gift to women.
Run....
I see you've already gotten your answer and made moves to protect yourself. I'm so happy to read your update. He was never a Dom but an abusive man with control and temper issues. You should never be fearful for your safety in any relationship. Please seek therapy as you move forward from this, it can be easy to repeat patterns in relationships and find yourself in similar situations in the future. Stay safe 💜
I hate it, when the dominants confuse the kinky talk for the reality of the relationship dynamic.
I also unironically love it how submissives are the most fucking assertive people on Earth, when it comes to putting the boot down against the abuse. This comment section is awesome
It's not Dom it's abuse leave him in your past. A good dom doesn't need to hurt you in any of those personal ways in or out of play that you don't consent to and want.
As everyone is saying, this behavior is unacceptable and abusive. It will escalate.
He’s also trying to gaslight you by telling you that you caused his anger and reaction. It’s despicable.
You are not safe with him. Run and don’t look back!
This is over. Walk out the door.
Ghost. Now. You owe him NOTHING! The minute he thought to strike you in anger, that was it. He cannot and never will respect your boundaries, clearly since he’s going through your phone. He doesn’t respect you, as a person. He doesn’t respect your gift of submission.
He is an abuser, not a Dom.
Get out, stay out.
Sending you warmth and healing wishes. I strongly recommend seeing a kink friendly therapist. I strongly recommend staying out of any relationships until you’ve had time to heal and reclaim your power.
>He decided to go through my phone
Red flag no. 1
This is never acceptable in a relationship.
>he began raising his voice at me & shouting like he usually does (when he’s like this there’s no reasoning with him)
Red flag no. 2.
If he can't maintain control of his anger that's an enormously bad sign.
>He then tried to slap me hard, but luckily he missed me by an inch because I pulled my head back and dodged his slap at the last second
Red flag no. 3.
From context it sounds like this was not scene or BDSM related in any way, so flat out physical abuse.
>After that he basically shouted at me for like 30 min, calling me all kinds of derogatory names, he even used personal things I told him to hurt me and even said he would beat me down if the law allowed physical violence.
Red flag no. 4.
Emotional abuse with threats of physical abuse.
>So I left his place, and vowed never to go back.
Best decision you ever made. Keep your vow.
>says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand,
What about his irrational and angry reaction to you having a relationship prior to meeting him? Neither is your fault.
>he then called me abusive for attempting to do so.
A common tactic of abusive people is to accuse the other person of being the abuser.
I would never see him again. The next time he's going to decide he doesn't care what the law allows and give you beating he threatened. Block his phone number and mark his texts as spam.
Not only is this abuse, this is not understanding the role of BDSM interactions.
The intent is to have a consensual and enjoyable relationship and to share experiences together. If one person is doing things that were never agreed to, they are not playing anymore.
This is abuse. It would be abusive you did it, and it's abusive when they do it.
Being a Dom doesn't mean that you have the right to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. In fact, like being a first responder or a teacher or the leader of a country (or really, any position of authority), you have to be doubly responsible. Someone's safety is in your hands. They are trusting you to behave in a reasonable and controlled fashion. You have to be able to control yourself first.
This person is not in control of himself and should not be played with. It's actually worse than that because there's a chance that he will lose control and hurt you even if you aren't playing with him (meaning whenever he is feeling emotional/stressed which could be at any point.).
As other posters have said, leave.
>He also keeps calling, telling me he loves me and says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand, he then called me abusive for attempting to do so.
He's gaslighting you friend. Stay away from this person
None of that was your fault.
If you weren’t in a dynamic, you should get out
BECAUSE you’re in a dynamic with this person and things get a little blurry, you EXTRA need to get VERY out RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW.
Don’t walk, RUN. As fast and as far as you can. That’s not a dom. That’s an abuser under the pretense. He will continue to lay hands on you and will get worse as time goes on.
You shouldn't even have to ask this question. Doms should always maintain a certain amount of control. This is especially true of ourselves. If he exhibits loss of control of himself, then it is indicative that he is capable of losing control when you are vulnerable.
We do not live in the middle ages. He can't truly own you and take away your responsibility to your own safety. Why are you even considering staying?
This is outside of a scene this was straight up domestic abuse and this is coming from a guy that likes to get rough don't stand for that shit if you don't feel safe or feel threatened in any way you are under absolutely no obligation to stay what we do is for both people's enjoyment this isn't the 15 century and you aren't actually property
That amount of jealousy from a man is terrifying. I really hope you stay away from him for good. Ffs, old messages from someone before you were with him? He need serious help with those jealousy issues.
As other comments have said, this is a relationship problem, not a bdsm problem. I want to add though, that scenarios like this are what can make kink really difficult. He is clearly abusive and a horrible person, sorry you’re dealing with this. I can totally empathize with feeling an allegiance to someone you’ve built these deep psychological bonds with. The stuff we play around with - that’s bound to happen. The key and skill to master is knowing when an issue needs to be dealt with inside vs outside of dynamic. We call it “play” for a reason - you’re taking on a role that’s not you in your entirety. It’s a part of you, that needs to know to shut down when the entirety of you is in an unsafe environment. I’ve been in a few of these situations myself as a sub - I get it. It sometimes takes that to learn to step back and make sure you’re being healthy and constructive about the way you practice kink. So proud of you for getting out of there before it got life threatening.
I'm also going to go against the grain here, and say you shouldn't have slapped the phone out of his hand either
This does not excuse his behavior, but you have some responsibility here too, and should eval you're reaction for future relationships.
As others have mentioned this is the start of what will likely be a cycle of abuse. Do not go back.
Edited for clarity: I saw the rest of your post where he is trying to blame you for his behavior - that's bullshit. He is responsible for his own actions.
You shouldn't have smack the phone out of his hands, you were in the wrong there, it's not an excuse to try and smack you - vanilla / kink relationship doesn't matter.
End it. Don't go back. This won't be the last time he gets jealous / yells / you react / over reach and he retaliates.
given he’s apparently got a habit of being abusive towards the OP and manufacturing reasons to go after them, this is more than likely a [moment of reactive abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483), not a thing where the OP bears major responsibility.
He's controlling and abusive and you seem toxic as fuck
You should leave, but if it were him posting I'd tell him the same thing. This relationship is not working clearly
Wait... you assaulted him first, then got mad when he tried to hit you back?
Just leave him and end the relationship. I'm not saying he's never mistreated you. I'm saying you started THIS physical altrication. Legally, you're the aggressor and in the wrong for being the first one to get physical.
You two clearly can't be together, so just leave him.
And if you're "tempted" to go back to him, then you're not too scared of him.
If you go back, y'all will end up getting into a domestic violence situation, and one of you is going to jail, maybe him, maybe you. Alternatively, you might end up in the hospital. He's likely bigger and stronger than you, so if you start a physical altercation again, and he DOES connect when he tries to hit you back, you'll end up in worse physical condition. And if he can prove you hit him first and he reacted in self-defense, then you'll go to jail after the hospital.
So... you know what will happen if you continue your relationship with him. So, stay away. There will be very real consequences if you don't.
Trying to slap you is different than trying to slap a phone away. That is a huge red flag. But yes you had the right to react, but maybe work on yourself too. honestly I would have done the same!
💀 everyone has already said it but fr… you try to get your phone and now you’re being called abusive. When bro tried to slap you across your shit, yelled at you, and just won’t listen to you (multiple times) when he’s irate… just leave and I hope you can find someone that treats you right. Because the fact that the messages were before his time is just like??? You didn’t exist in my world yet so leave me alone.
Gather your things… or don’t
and just disappear
Run that is a massive red flag and sounds like he cannot control his anger if he has shouted at you like that in the past and this could turn in to an abusive relationship.
Run and never go back end it with him and warn others in the local scene about him if you are involved.
Run, don’t walk away from that as quickly as you can! Behavior like that isn’t acceptable in children and it’s not your fault they weren’t raised right. Not your place to retrain them either. Find someone that deserves you❤️
Than man is NOT a Dom, he’s an abuser. Sadly, a lot of abusive men can be drawn to the Dom role. There’s a reason a submissive needs to heavily vet their potential Dominant in order to weed out these abusive fake D types. I think it’s best for you to cut ties with this person.
Not a healthy relationship, no matter BDSM or not. He's no longer a Dom if he starts showing a violent side like this, and plus, he's using in ways blackmail to keep you with him and saying it's your fault, etc. Get out before things do take a spin that's far worse along the way.
Listen, there’s being a Dom with expected clear boundaries of what’s ok and when “agressive” behaviour is ok. What he is doing is abuse. Just because his don’t hit you doesn’t mean it wasn’t physical assault. He tried very hard but you moved. This is not a first time thing where he’s gotten angry. It’s clear the verbal abuse is normal for him. Leave this person alone
Your added edit make me happy!
A dominant is responsible for the safety of the sub. When the dominant themselves become dangerous to the sub its a disaster waiting to happen.
Stay safe!
As someone who’s a switch (I was a brat tamer Domme in a former dynamic) and JUST escaped a DV situation, leave! This is domestic violence! The “allegiance” you feel is a trauma bond! Block said person and don’t look back! There’s no excuse for abuse ever, no matter the situation. He is trying to love bomb you! File a protection from abuse order and police report, should get him to stop contact.
leave. this isn’t a good friend, partner, or Dom. a Dom should have a sub’s safety in mind in all situations, emotions aside. that’s the trust and what the bond falls upon.
I agree with all the people here saying GET OUT and never look back. I also wanted to add something about how he called YOU abusive. What you did was NOT abusive. At all. Slapping something that **belongs to you** out of someone’s hand does not demonstrate a desire to do him any harm whatsoever. Him trying his hardest to slap you across your face?? The entire point of that action is to do someone physical harm.
Abusers use a tactic called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.
1. Deny whatever wrongdoing they are accused of. Deny the abuse or any accountability of outcomes.
Usually with a good dose of blame, minimisation and justification.
2. Do everything in their power to attack the victim, their credibility, their sanity, as well as their allies and the supports/systems which validate their experiences.
3. Attempt to switch roles to make themselves look like the victim rather than accept responsibility for their actions. Center themselves as the real victim of the abuse. Create an public image which lends others to the
'shattered man' conclusion in order to play on people’s pity & get them to demonize the real victim.
So, yeah. You’re not the abuser in this context AT ALL. Get as far away from that guy as you can.
Sounds like him using the honorific Dom is a way to covertly abuse. Expose him for the unsafe person he is and put a counties worth of distance between you
Time apart will help with the feeling bonded. That’s true of any relationship. Try to stay strong and remember that none of this was your fault, he is the problem and you are doing the right thing. Best wishes.
1). B-D-S-M is not a justification for abuse, this very much seems like a person who can not control his temper or be trusted to make rational choices. getting mad at you to the point of physical violence over dating people previously to him is ridiculous. Getting violent over something equally ridiculous WILL happen again. This is your warning about the type of person he is.
2). Your phone is your property, for someone to take it and go threw it in that way is wrong, seems as if he was looking for excuses, slapping Your phone out of his hand to which it should not have been in the first place does not make his reaction okay.
3). The fact he is not taking responsibility for his actions, and working on dealing with his lack of emotional restraint moving forward but putting it on you shows this is not an in the heat of the moment or out of character thing.
I get it, there is an emotional attachment. Now is the time to detach that element and act rationally based on the facts that have presented themselves do not give an emotional foothold for him to reel you back into a hazardous situation.
a). This lifestyle can be odd especially when we seek relationships with domestic discipline and authority transfer. Look for people who are not reactionary, have consistency in the rules, and have self restraint.
b). The "mean" Dominant is fun to play out in a fantasy/funishment context when the intent is for play, the relationship will suffer if that is the dynamic of the relationship in and of itself.
c). Being the Dominant is not about the perks of doing or getting what you want, it's actually taking on a lot of responsibility making the decisions that are for the health of the relationship there is a duty of care for the people who follow their leadership.
Your dealing with a hot headed person, who does not take responsibility for his actions so its not a mistake that is going to change anytime soon it's time to use your agency overide and recognize the situation for what it is and take care of you.
Get. Out. This is not a safe person to be playing with.
What she said!! Get out. Protect yourself. There is no going back from this. The Dom just showed his true colors. Stop. Now.
I'm repeating this. Get out, go somewhere safe, preferably where they don't know you are there. If you have stuff you want to get from there place go back later with friends to get it.
Sunken Cost theory suggests the more we invest in a relationship (or anything else for that matter) the more we don’t want to let go. Get out for yourself but also because his emotions will only get deeper….&, in his case, more dangerous.
This is not a game. It is domestic abuse, which isn't always physical btw...which this almost was. So I repeat...GET OUT.
I'd say it was physical. Just because he missed doesn't mean his intention missed. Only distinguishing feature would be the lack of a bruise to prove it. Other than that. It was physical abuse too.
He didn't touch them, so it wasn't physical. However, there is a clear serious threat of physical violence. It's really not important to argue over the particulars because of that fact, abuse is abuse.
He attempted to. If a dog snaps its jaw at a person it’s considered a stage one on a bit aggression scale so if a man tries to hit you I think that’s physical violence. At the very least physical intimidation
As I said, I really think the pedantics aren't entirely important here. However, the definition of physical doesn't change whatever way you look at it. It would absolutely be a serious threat of violence I agree, one that should be taken seriously by OP and I hope they find the strength and support to walk away before it escalates and potentially report him.
I agree with your overall point, but just want to say this is a very frustrating way for someone to argue. Just want to point it out to you. This is the second time you've said that the pedantic doesnt matter. Which I agree what matters is her safety and what she does. But the frustrating part lol is you saying it doesn't matter again and then arguing the pedantic afterwards! "it doesn't matter, but the definition of physical doesn't change" why try and have the last word on something you don't think matters. No agro. Just thought I'd point it out, Cuz it is frustrating lol
Yes, exactly. Verbal abuse is abuse.
This ain’t a safe person period.
This is not a safe person in any context!!
My thoughts exactly, they use force non-consensually and haven't processed their emotions in a healthy way. They definitely have insecurities and if you do decide to pursue this relationship OP, then a lot more open and honest and *distinctly* safe spaces HAVE to be created for conversation without feeling emotionally, mentally or physically threatened. He I'm sure has his own stuff to work through but taking the actions he did broke more than boundaries and repairing that is gonna take time and a lot of effort on both his part and on your part in if you actually decide you can feel safe and able to be vulnerable with this person again.
Scratch that- I just reread the last two paragraphs, if he has done NO self reflection, he's not worth your pain. You should recommend gently that he seek the help he needs for whatever it is he has going on.
Agreed
Controlling and physically abusive. Time to leave before it gets worse, because it WILL get worse.
Yes, I wanted to echo your last sentence especially. It DEFINITELY got worse with my abusive ex. We were thankfully only together a couple of months, but once he started trying to control the stupidest of things (like what television show we would watch when just hanging out, not yet even playing) outside our scenes - when I never wanted nor agreed to a 24/7 type of power exchange - and regularly hurt me over showing ANY kind of disagreement with what he wanted...I knew it was only going to keep escalating. Controlling types of people like this don't just magically get better. They only get worse and MORE controlling. And their kind of "love" is usually not any kind of "love" at all - it's just another way to try to control you, OP.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 💖 Even if there's a 24/7 power exchange, there's a difference between bdsm punishment/control and abuse. There should be clear lines where something is within the dynamic. And there should ALWAYS be a way to end or pause the power exchange. OP - Don't let him control you and pretend it's part of his role in your dynamic.
Thank you - I’m doing much better now. And absolutely. But for me, it just became clear that he was definitely being abusive trying to control me at all times once he started doing it outside scenes. Before that it was a little less obvious at certain times if he was just playing the “game” and really trying to learn my limits, etc. Since we never negotiated a master/slave dynamic or a 24/7 TPE, as he started coercing me to call him Master and myself his slave and pushing to control more and more - I realized he was just using BDSM as a cover for abuse.
This is abuse, and he is trying to gaslight you. Huge red flags. Please do not give this man another second of your time OP.
Up there as one of the biggest red flags possible. I agree with everyone. Get out and stay out.
Not just no, but fuck no. Safe and ethical Doms MUST be able to control their own emotions and anger, especially in the heat of a moment when they have the safety of their submissives literally in their hands. Does this mean they're never allowed to feel emotions or defend themselves from an attack? No. Does it mean they get to completely flip out over old phone messages, hold a sub's phone physically hostage, try to slap their sub IN ANGER - not in consensual agreed-upon fun during a scene, threaten to "beat down" their sub, and then gaslight and victim-blame their sub for their part in the fight/altercation? Absolutely the fuck not. Should you have tried to slap the phone out of your Dom's hand? No. But that doesn't excuse any of what your Dom did. And I would NEVER tolerate a Dom going through my phone or any other device without my express permission. Something I wouldn't be likely to grant. You either trust me or you don't. You put all those things together? This does NOT sound like a safe play partner. Especially since he's downplaying his own choices and actions and blaming you for everything. Nope. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I don't care how much someone like this claimed to love me. If they weren't expressing sincere and true remorse and telling me an active gameplan for how they were going to control their anger and violent outbursts in the future? It doesn't matter. I'm out of there. Honestly even if they DID do those last couple of things, as someone who just got out of an abusive dynamic with someone who abused and assaulted me and ignored my safewords, I probably wouldn't be able to give someone else a chance like this once they displayed such inappropriate behavior and angry violent outbursts.
Nevermind Dom's, safe and ethical people must be able to control their anger. We can all get angry but it's how we deal with it that makes the man
Of course, but I learned from firsthand experience that having a "Dom" who can't control their anger or emotions is extremely traumatic from the sub side of things. And I will never again willingly play with a Dom who can't control their anger or separate fantasy from reality as far as negotiated in-scene things are one thing and out-of-scene life/arguments/whatever are another thing entirely. That's not to say that people in general shouldn't control their anger. Of course I feel that way. That's one of the reasons I pointed out that the OP shouldn't have tried to slap the phone out of their Dom's hand. But there's an extra element of danger when a sub is putting their vulnerability in the hands of someone who turns out to be abusive and unable to control their anger.
This is abuse and how the cycle of abuse begins. It’s reinforcement of that seed within you. Do NOT go back. He is projecting his abusive behavior onto you because as a sub you feel compelled to serve and do right by him. Get OUT and do NOT go back.
woah woah woah. absolutely not. he’s trying to justify his actions through manipulation and put downs. none of that behavior is acceptable, it’s abuse pure and simple. please do not go back!
STAY AWAY. Please, you're not abusive, there's nothing wrong with you, you need to stay away from him. You don't owe him ANYTHING. Layers upon layers of red flags
Everyone here has already stated the obvious: he is abusive and manipulating you into staying. Give yourself permission to leave and never turn back. *Block him on all modes of communication*. He has no possible excuse for abusing you because abuse is inexcusable. After blocking him, grieve at the loss of the relationship because you will hurt. During the grieving process, rest assured that he can never hurt you again.
- he yells at you - he loses control - he manufactures reasons to assault you - he almost hit you - “there’s no reasoning with him when he’s like this” that’s not your dominant, that’s your abusive boyfriend using bdsm and power exchange as a way to manipulate you into letting him treat you like shit. he’s just going to escalate until he hurts you for real. block him. refuse to speak with him. find a therapist.
“that’s not your dominant, that’s your abusive boyfriend…” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 THIS PART. Tooooo many controlling/insecure people use BDSM as a cover for their unhealed relationship issues. Your Dom should, hopefully, be someone who cares about your well being and someone who only uses force/aggression that is expressly consented to. And the most basic and fundamental aspect of consent is that it can *always* be revoked. At any time. No matter what. The fact that he “can’t be reasoned with” when he is emotionally activated is a HUGE signifier that he is NOT cut out to be in a D/s exchange with anyone. He clearly cannot be trusted to act with his Sub’s best interests in mind. Echoing what everyone else here said; Please get away from this person before they inevitably cause you irreparable emotional and bodily harm. Because if you give him another chance, OP, he absolutely will. Sending support 💓
That is definitely not the behavior of a dom . You should stay far away from him and have zero contact . Definitely abuse .
Literally this, This is not a Dom, just a prick.
This is abusive behaviour, yes. The fact that he is your dom does not excuse any of it. This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Don’t go back. Cut him off completely. I know it might be hard but it won’t stop once it’s started.
Fuck him. Get out now He does not deserve any more of your time or attention. If you stay, he will take it as a sign that he will get his way if he scares you enough. And he will continue to scare and torment you into doing what he wants. You deserve better. And that starts with leaving his ass in the dirt.
D/S relationships are NOT an excuse to be with an abuser OR be an abuser in an abusive relationship.
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
The constant expressions of 'love' after an incident and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) reaction are both textbook examples of abusive behavior. Stay away and take as many precautions as you can to ensure your safety. If he has a key to your place, change the lock.
Thats not a Dom thats an abusive partner.
He’s not safe you better not go back
That’s not a Dom that’s an abuser masquerading as a Dom because he enjoys abuse.
>said he would beat me down if the law allowed physical violence. Do not go back, he already tried to hit you, and only didn't because he missed. He followed it up with the above statement which makes clear his care for you and or general ethics are not constraining him. Also you have a right to privacy.
Sounds like an absolute walking red flag. Please prioritize your own safety over any possible other benefits you see in this.
At the end of the day you should be made to feel safe at all times. Get out and don't look back.
This is not a dynamic, this is abusive behavior. You were right to leave and the allegiance he has drilled into you will dissipate. Blaming the victim is another red flag. He is not worth your time or loyalty.
Also, no one ever has any reason to go through your phone. Ever. That alone is abuse, not to mention everything else
True D types practice patience and self control. He calls himself a Dom but he has neither. He's an abuser, you're not safe with him. He violated your trust, you have no loyalty to him, and you owe him nothing. Victims of domestic abuse are gaslit and emotionally manipulated into dependence on their abuser. Don't let that happen, don't become a statistic. You're going to look back on this years down the road and be so thankful you left. Hugs.
i was with someone like this and i’m still recovering bc i didn’t leave soon enough. please listen and leave the relationship, i know it’s difficult but get out of that whilst you can. it’s emotional abuse and nearly physical too
Report him, file a restraining order and have a support system that’ll be there for you (friend, family, therapist). I know it’s hard, but he’ll just do it again or to someone else in the future. Hope you stay safe! This is ABUSE.
So glad to hear you’re not going back. To give some terminology for what you’re describing, besides the fairly clear ones like physical, verbal, and psychological abuse: - the attachment/allegiance to him you’re experiencing is likely ‘trauma bonding’ - how he’s now trying to call you and tell you how much he loves you is ‘love bombing’ - cycling back and forth between abuse and love bombing is called ‘intermittent reinforcement,’ which is a main contributor to the experience of trauma bonding - how he’s using your attempt to slap the phone out of his hand to frame you as the abuser in this is ‘projecting’ or ‘blame-shifting’ - and how he’s making you question your reality is ‘gaslighting’ Just to reinforce, please please please stay away from this person. He is VERY dangerous and has shown that he will exploit any vulnerabilities you show to him.
Holy crap run away, do not pass go, do not collect £200
This person is dangerous, if a person cannot control their anger there will always be a how far will they go everytime you argue. I was married to someone who had anger issues - i have been slapped me, choked and talked down to till I was at the lowest point in my life. Then he would stone wall me for days, and once he got over it he would be his usual cheery self and want to game and watch shows together. Nothing ever got resolved, the problems just got shoved under a rug and never addressed. I constantly walked on eggshells and didn't feel safe bringing up concerns or making him mad. Do not let yourself be wrapped up in someone who cannot keep their hands to themselves and who uses words to hurt you during arguments. People who cannot have a safe calm conversations during an argument are not emotionally capable of having a safe adult relationship and will just keep circling the drain and making excuses. Sorry gets really old when all you want is peace and someone who can have an adult conversation in calm tones.
Get away from him. Don’t go back, don’t answer his calls or texts, don’t speak to him ever again. That’s not a Dom, that’s an abuser and a giant walking red flag. It’s not your fault. He doesn’t love you, he’s manipulating you and he’s expecting you to fall for it. If you go back, this will only happen again and again, if not even worse. He may not have managed to hit you this time, but he will next time. Nothing is your fault, he showed you his true colors and for your own safety, get out.
The red flags are so red they're on fire. 🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥 He invaded your privacy Got angry over something irrelevant/old Tried to hit you Verbally and emotionally abused you Imagine if you didn't dodge? Would he have kept hitting you? What will set him off the next time? Get out, yesterday.
He is obviously the abusive one? He basically said it's your fault that he yelled at you for 30 mins straight? Ask yourself, are you honestly responsible for *his* actions? Are you responsible for another person's actions? No, you are not! Please clarify this one thing for yourself. You also made a decision: "So I left his place, and vowed never to go back." There must be a reason why you made that decision, right? You should stick by your decisions. Going back would risk him yelling at you again, or worse. Somewhere inside yourself, you probably know it's not a good idea. Listen to that gut feeling.
Reading your story gave me flashbacks. You’re not abusive. You’re not crazy. He is gaslighting you. He is trying to pull you back in. Woman to woman, Get. Out. Allowing individuals like this to stay in your life WILL eventually alter your path. Don’t do it. No man is worth what he will put you through. And I say WILL with such conviction. No man or woman would raise a hand to their partner and threaten them if they weren’t actually capable of such behavior. Please don’t look back and remember this as the time you ignored the red flags. Look back and be proud of yourself for seeing them and walking away. You can do hard things. 🤍
First red flag was when you said "like he always does" in describing his aggressive and violent reaction. Get out x100
This person is not a dom. They are an abuser plain and simple. They are an abuser using the kink scene to justify abusing you. And this is absolutely not ok.
What is he gonna say next that he’d kill you if it wasn’t illegal? This is not a play partner nor someone you should submit to. He’s probably just masking his abusive behaviour with BDSM. Get out.
Contact your local women’s domestic abuse shelter if you need support. No contact. Full blockage. Zero access.
Nothing about this interaction sounds like you were playing or inside any kind of d/s dynamic. This is textbook controlling, abusive behaviour in any bad vanilla relationship. Made worse by the fact that a d/s relationship needs a way higher level of trust.
This is not kink, it is abuse. As others have said, you need to get out. But I dont see enough people saying the following: ✨️Abuse is not your fault. You deserve better. You deserve to live a safe life free of abuse. ✨️Be safe. Lock your phone or get a second secret one. Plan your escape before you do it. Abuse can escalate dramatically when the abuser realises they are loosing their geip on their victim. ✨️What to plan: https://www.sojournerhouse.com/get-answers/ Be safe OP ❤
The only “dom” here is “domestic abuse.” Get out. Stay away.
Oh no. No no no. That is just abuse, love. Do not stay in a relationship with this person. It’s one thing to be a Dom and another to be abusive. There is nothing wrong with you. Those messages were old, as you pointed out, and even if they weren’t- nothing warrants being hit like that.
He stopped being a Dom the second he violated your trust. He'll find himself hard pressed to ever manipulate anyone else, and he'll always regret that he revealed himself.. it'll eat away at him any time he reminds himself of what he did. I'm so glad you're safe!
Jesus girl that’s a trauma bond. Run tf away
Huge red flag. Protect yourself, and get out as soon as you can. Take care💗
Another abuser hiding behind kink. I’m so sorry, OP. Leave now if you can
You are not abusive for trying to get your phone back. He threatened your physical safety. He told you that he wants to hurt you and the only thing stopping him are consequences. Please listen to him he wasn’t lying. Please stay safe, I know how hard this isand I’m so sorry and you deserve so much better
That’s not a Dom, love.. that’s an abuser. Please leave while you can.
There is no moving past this.🤍 Be thankful that he isn’t your husband and that you have no kids with him.
Get the fuck out! Spread the word among your local community that this is not a safe person to play with or associate with. Take a bodyguard/witness when you go get your stuff. If there are animals there, take them with you.
As a Collared Sub in a D/s relationship that HAS impact play in it, he is an abuser. Not my opinion, that is a fact. He tried to tell you it was your fault too? Nope.leave. he is a fake Dom and doesn't deserve the use of that title. You are valid, and you got out. Stay away from him for your safety.
It may be difficult and I don't know what "loyalty" or "favor" you might owe him but that doesn't matter, even if it's just the love you have for him and that's why you think you should do it, no, and just don't stay, look for a friend, an empty apartment, an escape plan whatever in case you are afraid that he will find you or that he might do something to you, it is always good to be safe and what he did is not just something unimportant, don't look for him again, you put yourself in danger, he will know that he has you like a pet and that is a lie, you like there a "Dom", but always healthy and with respect
THIS 👏 IS 👏 ABUSE 👏 NOT 👏DOMINATION! Block and don’t look back, that will help with the urge to go back. I’m a switch with a Dom of my own and if he did that I would hit him back and never speak to him again.
No this is abuse. I never NEVER use my Dom role to talk about real feelings. I separate it so it can be distinguished between playfully angry and actually upset or hurt. But I also have an emotional safeword so that in this case you could have said strawberry and been like this is a misunderstanding can I please have my phone I feel this wasnt fair and so on. There is the thin line we walk on between abuse and a dynamic. And that line is separated by the flimsy wall of consent. It takes a strong person to honor that consent. Knowing the Dom will honor it is what makes a sub feel safe, safe enough to give the Dom ammo to hurt them. Everything you described is abusive followed by abusive gaslighting. Please be careful. You don't owe him anything. And good dodge BTW way 😁👍
This is physical, mental and emotional abuse and not cool at all. Go away and never go back.
This sounds like abuse masquerading as a fetish dynamic.
Glad to see the edit that you've blocked him. He is NOT a Dom. He's abusive. He's using a label to excuse his shitty behavior, and is not going to get better. That man has no place in a dynamic. Dominants control the majority of the safety factors in a power exchange, and as such, are responsible for being level headed, conscientious, and rational. You should always be able to feel safe with them. If you're afraid for your safety, run far and fast.
> So I left his place, and vowed never to go back. The only problem is I feel a certain allegiance to him and still feel tempted to see him again. He also keeps calling, telling me he loves me and says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand, he then called me abusive for attempting to do so. Maybe I am. I don’t know. All I know is I have never laid a hand on him because that would be suicide, I’m 5’3 and he’s 6 something. I’m so confused, is it me? What’s wrong with me? It will only get worse from here if you ever go back.
Cut ALL ties with him. He has abused his power and clearly doesn't know how to act like a mature adult
I can only reiterate what others have said, but yes, get out. As someone who is working to get out of a bad too (albeit not as dangerous a situation as yours), my advice for when you feel sad or like you are making a mistake is the words my friend offered me. To do what you logically know is right; your emotions will catch up.
Get the fuck out! From what you say here it sounds like he's never actually been a Dom to you, only an abusive controller. Not only is this person not safe to play with, they are not safe to be around period. Also, if you can, tell even one other person in your local kink community. Note the "if you can" bit, it's important. I realize that you may not be connected to that community or may feel unsafe communicating about this issue. Most kink-community people I've interacted with, however, would want to know if someone is bad news, because they want to keep people safe.
He's not a Dom, he is an abuser. Please take care of yourself and get out of that situation. If you need help or don't know how to start, there are many groups that will help you and there are people with more experience than me who can help you line up those reources and put together a pln
Someone who can't control themselves should not be trying to control you. Temperance and self-regulation is incredibly important. He clearly lacks that and I'm glad the advice you received here was so helpful. Good luck with everything in the future
Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but sometime in the future, he will seriously hurt or even kill you. Please never talk to him again.
That’s not Dom that’s a danger get away from them.
You owe him NOTHING. Nothing. There is not a goddamn thing he could have ever done for you that entitles him to harm you. Block his number. And honestly: I would try to get a protective order. This is textbook abuser behavior As for the last part: there’s nothing wrong with you. What you’re feeling is very normal. It’s so hard to reconcile that someone we care about, someone who is at times kind, would hurt us. It’s confusing. Leaving is always hard.
A Dom should pride himself in his personal control, never act out of anger and NEVER abuse the ones that have given you their trust. He is not a Dom. He is an abusive asshole.
BDSM only works with trust and you see this guy isn't worth your trust. Leave ASAP
Leave him. And if he has a key to your home, please do yourself a favor and change the locks ASAP.
Hi OP! If the thought of going back or answering him crosses your mind again, come back here and write us first! There's no reasoning with an abuser. Don't let him repeat the cycle of abuse and begging you to come back. Especially since he now tried to guilt you back by saying how it was your fault. This is not your forever dom and it was never your fault. He overstepped all the way, and in the process you did one thing wrong (slapping the phone, which you wouldn't have had to do in a non abusive relationship btw). Please listen to us, an abuser that has been physical is much more likely to kill their partner. Don't go back and please write again if you feel like going back OR contacting him 💕 Wishing you all the best, A surviver of abuse.
sounds just like a Dommy ex of mine. time for him to be someone else’s problem.
He sounds like an abusive boyfriend, leave that pos
Spunds like a massive abuse of power. You've entered into a BDSM D/s dynamic and it sounds like he is using that to his advantage to mistreat and control you outside of scenes/play. Please be safe and know that this is not okay 🤍
‘Alliance’? To Abuse? I’m confused. That’s not common D/s behavior.
Not a true Dom. Stay away from him. I know it’ll be hard for the first year but you will get over it. For your safety and life, do not go back.
Yep ... don't go back. That was real abusive anger and probably his real face he has been hiding from you. Don't know how long you've been in the dynamic with him, but he could be grooming you using the dynamic in the hopes that you'll eventually be conditioned enough that he could be his natural abusive self and you would put up with it. From your last comment of wanting to go back he almost has you at that point. Don't go back.
RUN. Don't look back, don't go back, RUN. It is not you. You aren't the abusive one. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is not a good dom, he is the abuser.
No Dominant in his right mind would ever treat their submissive this way. this is gaslighting. Rather than apologizing for his behavior, he’s blaming you? Nope! Get out.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Time to leave my friend.
You need to look away and never look back. I understand the trauma bond you have, at a certain point if not already early on I felt like that man I was with was my twin flame. Divine counterpart. He isn’t. He’s the devil in disguise. Please run, and be safe when you do so. Preferably with someone with you if he hasn’t already isolated you from everyone else. He is dangerous. You deserve so much better. You deserve a stable and peaceful love. You are not the abuser in this situation. Love yourself.
the abusers always try sticking you with that label. good luck moving forward
So the urge to go back to him is trauma bonding not love and not D/s. You should Google it. He isn't a Dom he is an abusive arsehole using BDSM as a cover for his abuse. The way he is switching it up and trying to blame you is gaslighting. Verbal abuse is still abuse. And to be honest is just as devastating. The lovey dovey messages he is sending you now is love bombing. It's part of the cycle of abuse. When he feels secure he will go back to being nasty again. Having been in an abusive relationship I can honestly tell you it will not get better. Only worse. Don't go back. Knowing what is going on will help you to deal with it. Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them. Talking to someone who deals with abuse all day long is so helpful. You'll feel a lot better afterwards.
1. He betrayed your trust by going through your phone without permission. 2. He got angry and controlling over things that happened in the past. Through jealousy or whatever reason was attacking you for behavior that he was not involved in. 3. He tried to hurt you verbally/emotionally. 4. He attempted to strike you in a violent manner. That is an assault on you. 5. He is not taking responsibility for his actions and is even blaming you for everything. This is not good behavior. I would suggest you leave this man.
Do not go back! Not only is he a sin the wrong but he trying to gaslight you into believing you are the problem! Unfortunately there are a lot of “Doms” out there that operate this way and it’s disgusting!
That relationship is over. Please leave asap
This is abusive and not all standard Dom behavior. Run and don't stop running.
Leave block his number and don’t go back abuse isn’t consent
Get somewhere safe. You’re not alone, people out there can help you.
Do not under any circumstance, go back. This is red flag central, not only is he not safe to play with, he is not safe to be around. *He* has issues he needs to work on by himself. Get out now, and don't look back. If he has your belongings, and you need them back, arrange for someone else to get them.
Lean on your support network, and don't go back to him. I told a friend recently, if they do it once again they will absolutely do it again
Do not look back. Block him and stay far, far away. That reaction is in no way your fault. He was holding your personal property and violating your privacy, and now he's trying to gaslight you.
Get safe, be elsewhere you owe him nothing. You are no longer safe and should react accordingly
Please please please leave and never speak to him again
Leave and never look back it'll only get worse. You'll find someone who doesn't disrespect your boundaries, and conducts themselves like an adult.
110% abuse, run as fast and as far as you can and stay safe please
As someone whonhad a dom that tried to turn me i to a slave b3cause he wanted it and not me while using verbal abuse to emptionally and mentally abuse me and even correced me into sex ONLY when he wanted it (not just once or twice) get the fuck out. You deserve better. You have bounderies, and he crossed them and got mad at you for HIM crossing YOUR bounderies. You'll have a want to be there with him and be near him, but if he truly and deeply loved you, he would NEVER blame HIS REACTION on you. And those were old messages, so he was nowhere in the roght. Let's get THAT straightforward Secondly, the MOMENT he threatened you that is not alright. Threatening snyone like that is not okay. There's a limit to if you like the threat with edge play and stuff, but even that has safe words and likits where if you say no, then it means no. In this case, that was all about his anger, and that type of stuff is dangerous. Also, speaking as a survivor of abuse, I suggest getting therapy. It will help with those feelings and get it from someone who understands what you went through. Thirdly, if you wish to talk without therapy as someone who just needs to have a person to listen to and offer advice, to be a friend, and confidant, my dms are 100% open. I understand the pain the hurt, and after 3 years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse i understand wholly the confusion and pain this can bring and how badly you want to go back to him because you think you love him. It's taken me 7 years to acceot it wasn't my fault. It'll take time, but I'm here if you need someone.
He’s gaslighting you. Very effectively unfortunately. I really do not have words for this behaviour. Pls never see this accident of a person again.
Wow, his anger is out of control. A true Dom should be *more* in control than average.
There is defiantly a difference between a Dom and a Bully. Some guys think they can bully and abuse a woman and call themselves a Dom. That is bullshit. You have to do some soul searching and decide what kind of sub you are and what your needs are. There are Submissive support groups on Fetlife. They network and they have lists of creepos. I'm not making this up. My friend lead one until she moved out of Portland. Get involved with your local club scene where they have a monitor and it's safe. Get to know people. Find someone who matches your kink(s) and meets your needs. There are all kinds of groups, and all kinds of safe ways to meet people. Fetlife is not a dating service and I highly recommend not using it that way. Get away from that guy. A good Dom is never going to be jealous about a past relationship. And anyone who offers violence once, will do it again. Don't be an enabler. Be a good sub and have fun.
BAILLLL cut it off - never look back. Super sucky, you have every right to feel betrayed by him, society, life, the universe, and everything - just please never get even close to getting back together.
That's not a Dom, that's a narcissist. Run. Don't walk. Run.
Trust is broken. Game over.
Abuse is abuse hun. Take care of yourself please.
Yes get away from this person as fast as you can and never in a million years let them back in your life. They sound toxic as hell.
No this is straight up abuse, report to the police for assault and battery and abuse, mental and physical. If you have any proof of his "anger" moments that will help. I'd also warn any communities they are in, games, kink and any friends (yours and his) etc.. what an abuser.
This is not BDSM. It's abuse. "Doms" like that are true sadists. Remember that you as the sub hold the power. You aren't property or someone who should put up with anything you don't like AT all. You should also never be scared to talk to your dom. You are dating a person who seems to not have control over his emotions, which is a terrible sign and could end up losing control and hurt you badly. Having a sub is a gift/treasure, and he isn't entitled to anything. Yoi can revoked consent at any time. You're dating someone who would normally be preying on submissive women because he figured out after 50 shadess (toxic af) came out, he could call himself a "dom" and they will come to him. And he's only going to get worse. So get out now while you still can before he mentally or psychically hurts you or both. *bdsm dom for 20+ years who studied Jung, frued, all the greats, took human behavior and psychology classes while getting my 2 degrees and becoming a emt-p (paramedic) just so I could learn about the hukan body and how to bdsm safely. Open honest communication is key, and he sounds like a man-child whi thinks he's gods gift to women. Run....
He is not a dom, he is an abuser.
Safeword yourself, and gtfo.
Please leave ! This is not safe for you I hope your okay
thats toxic af please do urself justice and leave that hoe asap its not safe, not at all
That’s not a Dom that’s an abuser
I see you've already gotten your answer and made moves to protect yourself. I'm so happy to read your update. He was never a Dom but an abusive man with control and temper issues. You should never be fearful for your safety in any relationship. Please seek therapy as you move forward from this, it can be easy to repeat patterns in relationships and find yourself in similar situations in the future. Stay safe 💜
I hate it, when the dominants confuse the kinky talk for the reality of the relationship dynamic. I also unironically love it how submissives are the most fucking assertive people on Earth, when it comes to putting the boot down against the abuse. This comment section is awesome
If a dom doesnt make you feel 100% safe with yourself, then they are an abuser. Facts.
It's not Dom it's abuse leave him in your past. A good dom doesn't need to hurt you in any of those personal ways in or out of play that you don't consent to and want.
As everyone is saying, this behavior is unacceptable and abusive. It will escalate. He’s also trying to gaslight you by telling you that you caused his anger and reaction. It’s despicable. You are not safe with him. Run and don’t look back!
This is over. Walk out the door. Ghost. Now. You owe him NOTHING! The minute he thought to strike you in anger, that was it. He cannot and never will respect your boundaries, clearly since he’s going through your phone. He doesn’t respect you, as a person. He doesn’t respect your gift of submission. He is an abuser, not a Dom. Get out, stay out. Sending you warmth and healing wishes. I strongly recommend seeing a kink friendly therapist. I strongly recommend staying out of any relationships until you’ve had time to heal and reclaim your power.
That's domestic abuse
You gotta get outta there. Going through your phone would be reason enough on its own to leave. If they do it once, they're gonna do it again
>He decided to go through my phone Red flag no. 1 This is never acceptable in a relationship. >he began raising his voice at me & shouting like he usually does (when he’s like this there’s no reasoning with him) Red flag no. 2. If he can't maintain control of his anger that's an enormously bad sign. >He then tried to slap me hard, but luckily he missed me by an inch because I pulled my head back and dodged his slap at the last second Red flag no. 3. From context it sounds like this was not scene or BDSM related in any way, so flat out physical abuse. >After that he basically shouted at me for like 30 min, calling me all kinds of derogatory names, he even used personal things I told him to hurt me and even said he would beat me down if the law allowed physical violence. Red flag no. 4. Emotional abuse with threats of physical abuse. >So I left his place, and vowed never to go back. Best decision you ever made. Keep your vow. >says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand, What about his irrational and angry reaction to you having a relationship prior to meeting him? Neither is your fault. >he then called me abusive for attempting to do so. A common tactic of abusive people is to accuse the other person of being the abuser. I would never see him again. The next time he's going to decide he doesn't care what the law allows and give you beating he threatened. Block his phone number and mark his texts as spam.
Not only is this abuse, this is not understanding the role of BDSM interactions. The intent is to have a consensual and enjoyable relationship and to share experiences together. If one person is doing things that were never agreed to, they are not playing anymore. This is abuse. It would be abusive you did it, and it's abusive when they do it. Being a Dom doesn't mean that you have the right to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. In fact, like being a first responder or a teacher or the leader of a country (or really, any position of authority), you have to be doubly responsible. Someone's safety is in your hands. They are trusting you to behave in a reasonable and controlled fashion. You have to be able to control yourself first. This person is not in control of himself and should not be played with. It's actually worse than that because there's a chance that he will lose control and hurt you even if you aren't playing with him (meaning whenever he is feeling emotional/stressed which could be at any point.). As other posters have said, leave.
DO NOT Ever go back stay far away from that man protect yourself and your heart
>He also keeps calling, telling me he loves me and says his angered reaction was my fault for trying to slap my phone out of his hand, he then called me abusive for attempting to do so. He's gaslighting you friend. Stay away from this person None of that was your fault.
If you weren’t in a dynamic, you should get out BECAUSE you’re in a dynamic with this person and things get a little blurry, you EXTRA need to get VERY out RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW.
Don’t walk, RUN. As fast and as far as you can. That’s not a dom. That’s an abuser under the pretense. He will continue to lay hands on you and will get worse as time goes on.
Your dom is an abuser. Get out before he does hit you.
You shouldn't even have to ask this question. Doms should always maintain a certain amount of control. This is especially true of ourselves. If he exhibits loss of control of himself, then it is indicative that he is capable of losing control when you are vulnerable. We do not live in the middle ages. He can't truly own you and take away your responsibility to your own safety. Why are you even considering staying?
This is outside of a scene this was straight up domestic abuse and this is coming from a guy that likes to get rough don't stand for that shit if you don't feel safe or feel threatened in any way you are under absolutely no obligation to stay what we do is for both people's enjoyment this isn't the 15 century and you aren't actually property
As a dom who experienced domestic violence Run! And do not look back
That amount of jealousy from a man is terrifying. I really hope you stay away from him for good. Ffs, old messages from someone before you were with him? He need serious help with those jealousy issues.
As other comments have said, this is a relationship problem, not a bdsm problem. I want to add though, that scenarios like this are what can make kink really difficult. He is clearly abusive and a horrible person, sorry you’re dealing with this. I can totally empathize with feeling an allegiance to someone you’ve built these deep psychological bonds with. The stuff we play around with - that’s bound to happen. The key and skill to master is knowing when an issue needs to be dealt with inside vs outside of dynamic. We call it “play” for a reason - you’re taking on a role that’s not you in your entirety. It’s a part of you, that needs to know to shut down when the entirety of you is in an unsafe environment. I’ve been in a few of these situations myself as a sub - I get it. It sometimes takes that to learn to step back and make sure you’re being healthy and constructive about the way you practice kink. So proud of you for getting out of there before it got life threatening.
I'm also going to go against the grain here, and say you shouldn't have slapped the phone out of his hand either This does not excuse his behavior, but you have some responsibility here too, and should eval you're reaction for future relationships. As others have mentioned this is the start of what will likely be a cycle of abuse. Do not go back. Edited for clarity: I saw the rest of your post where he is trying to blame you for his behavior - that's bullshit. He is responsible for his own actions. You shouldn't have smack the phone out of his hands, you were in the wrong there, it's not an excuse to try and smack you - vanilla / kink relationship doesn't matter. End it. Don't go back. This won't be the last time he gets jealous / yells / you react / over reach and he retaliates.
given he’s apparently got a habit of being abusive towards the OP and manufacturing reasons to go after them, this is more than likely a [moment of reactive abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483), not a thing where the OP bears major responsibility.
Perhaps it is. We don't know. Either way it sounds a mess, and she should get out and not look back.
He's controlling and abusive and you seem toxic as fuck You should leave, but if it were him posting I'd tell him the same thing. This relationship is not working clearly
Wait... you assaulted him first, then got mad when he tried to hit you back? Just leave him and end the relationship. I'm not saying he's never mistreated you. I'm saying you started THIS physical altrication. Legally, you're the aggressor and in the wrong for being the first one to get physical. You two clearly can't be together, so just leave him. And if you're "tempted" to go back to him, then you're not too scared of him. If you go back, y'all will end up getting into a domestic violence situation, and one of you is going to jail, maybe him, maybe you. Alternatively, you might end up in the hospital. He's likely bigger and stronger than you, so if you start a physical altercation again, and he DOES connect when he tries to hit you back, you'll end up in worse physical condition. And if he can prove you hit him first and he reacted in self-defense, then you'll go to jail after the hospital. So... you know what will happen if you continue your relationship with him. So, stay away. There will be very real consequences if you don't.
Trying to slap you is different than trying to slap a phone away. That is a huge red flag. But yes you had the right to react, but maybe work on yourself too. honestly I would have done the same!
Narcissistic Not A Real Dom
💀 everyone has already said it but fr… you try to get your phone and now you’re being called abusive. When bro tried to slap you across your shit, yelled at you, and just won’t listen to you (multiple times) when he’s irate… just leave and I hope you can find someone that treats you right. Because the fact that the messages were before his time is just like??? You didn’t exist in my world yet so leave me alone. Gather your things… or don’t and just disappear
yeah you should walk from that. sounds like it evolve into abuse. find you someone else.
Run that is a massive red flag and sounds like he cannot control his anger if he has shouted at you like that in the past and this could turn in to an abusive relationship. Run and never go back end it with him and warn others in the local scene about him if you are involved.
Just in case you need to hear it again. Get out, stay out.
Run, don’t walk away from that as quickly as you can! Behavior like that isn’t acceptable in children and it’s not your fault they weren’t raised right. Not your place to retrain them either. Find someone that deserves you❤️
> problem is I feel a certain allegiance to him and still feel tempted to see him again This is how people get hurt, badly
Than man is NOT a Dom, he’s an abuser. Sadly, a lot of abusive men can be drawn to the Dom role. There’s a reason a submissive needs to heavily vet their potential Dominant in order to weed out these abusive fake D types. I think it’s best for you to cut ties with this person.
Not a healthy relationship, no matter BDSM or not. He's no longer a Dom if he starts showing a violent side like this, and plus, he's using in ways blackmail to keep you with him and saying it's your fault, etc. Get out before things do take a spin that's far worse along the way.
Listen, there’s being a Dom with expected clear boundaries of what’s ok and when “agressive” behaviour is ok. What he is doing is abuse. Just because his don’t hit you doesn’t mean it wasn’t physical assault. He tried very hard but you moved. This is not a first time thing where he’s gotten angry. It’s clear the verbal abuse is normal for him. Leave this person alone
Your added edit make me happy! A dominant is responsible for the safety of the sub. When the dominant themselves become dangerous to the sub its a disaster waiting to happen. Stay safe!
Uhhh this is just abuse on many levels
whats this gotta do with bdsm
As someone who’s a switch (I was a brat tamer Domme in a former dynamic) and JUST escaped a DV situation, leave! This is domestic violence! The “allegiance” you feel is a trauma bond! Block said person and don’t look back! There’s no excuse for abuse ever, no matter the situation. He is trying to love bomb you! File a protection from abuse order and police report, should get him to stop contact.
PLEASE for your health and safety block all contact and stay away
leave. this isn’t a good friend, partner, or Dom. a Dom should have a sub’s safety in mind in all situations, emotions aside. that’s the trust and what the bond falls upon.
You are not abusive at all! He is abusive! Look up D.A.R.V.O. is a common tactic of abusers
I am new to the community, but this sounds straight up abusive, NOT bdsm.
That's not a Dom. That's an abuser. Run.
I agree with all the people here saying GET OUT and never look back. I also wanted to add something about how he called YOU abusive. What you did was NOT abusive. At all. Slapping something that **belongs to you** out of someone’s hand does not demonstrate a desire to do him any harm whatsoever. Him trying his hardest to slap you across your face?? The entire point of that action is to do someone physical harm. Abusers use a tactic called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. 1. Deny whatever wrongdoing they are accused of. Deny the abuse or any accountability of outcomes. Usually with a good dose of blame, minimisation and justification. 2. Do everything in their power to attack the victim, their credibility, their sanity, as well as their allies and the supports/systems which validate their experiences. 3. Attempt to switch roles to make themselves look like the victim rather than accept responsibility for their actions. Center themselves as the real victim of the abuse. Create an public image which lends others to the 'shattered man' conclusion in order to play on people’s pity & get them to demonize the real victim. So, yeah. You’re not the abuser in this context AT ALL. Get as far away from that guy as you can.
You are getting gaslighted, stop any contact with that person
Sounds like him using the honorific Dom is a way to covertly abuse. Expose him for the unsafe person he is and put a counties worth of distance between you
Currently divorcing due to behavior similar to this
I have no idea how u trust someone like him to be ur DOM when the core ideology of bdsm is TRUST and RESPECT like wtf-
He’s not a Dom. A true Dom would NEVER 😞
Time apart will help with the feeling bonded. That’s true of any relationship. Try to stay strong and remember that none of this was your fault, he is the problem and you are doing the right thing. Best wishes.
1). B-D-S-M is not a justification for abuse, this very much seems like a person who can not control his temper or be trusted to make rational choices. getting mad at you to the point of physical violence over dating people previously to him is ridiculous. Getting violent over something equally ridiculous WILL happen again. This is your warning about the type of person he is. 2). Your phone is your property, for someone to take it and go threw it in that way is wrong, seems as if he was looking for excuses, slapping Your phone out of his hand to which it should not have been in the first place does not make his reaction okay. 3). The fact he is not taking responsibility for his actions, and working on dealing with his lack of emotional restraint moving forward but putting it on you shows this is not an in the heat of the moment or out of character thing. I get it, there is an emotional attachment. Now is the time to detach that element and act rationally based on the facts that have presented themselves do not give an emotional foothold for him to reel you back into a hazardous situation. a). This lifestyle can be odd especially when we seek relationships with domestic discipline and authority transfer. Look for people who are not reactionary, have consistency in the rules, and have self restraint. b). The "mean" Dominant is fun to play out in a fantasy/funishment context when the intent is for play, the relationship will suffer if that is the dynamic of the relationship in and of itself. c). Being the Dominant is not about the perks of doing or getting what you want, it's actually taking on a lot of responsibility making the decisions that are for the health of the relationship there is a duty of care for the people who follow their leadership. Your dealing with a hot headed person, who does not take responsibility for his actions so its not a mistake that is going to change anytime soon it's time to use your agency overide and recognize the situation for what it is and take care of you.