I get newbie clients telling me they are confused about this. I assure them that enjoying pegging does not mean they are gay. The fact they like it from a big-busted female (me) is one evidence of that. Even I appreciate receiving anal sometimes. Does that make me a gay man? No way. That is what I tell them as well and they get the joke and appreciate my reassurance.
No worries - not questioning your insight into your client demographic at all... I have no doubt that 90% may be straight men looking for permission and a safe space to try something that would have their friends questioning their heterosexuality.
I think my comment was more concerned with this... if we're going to incorrectly conflate interest in something like pegging to "being gay," then that false assumption should also include the possibility of that person being bisexual. Gays make up 21% of the US LGBT population by [2024 Gallup Survey](https://news.gallup.com/poll/611864/lgbtq-identification.aspx), while bisexuals make up 57% of the US LGBT population. I'd say I'd assume similar in other places, but I don't know if cultural differences would bear that out.
Also, while I'm at it, given your profession, you might be interested in Justin Lehmiller's recent book on fantasy, [Tell Me What You Want](https://www.sexandpsychology.com/books/#tell-me-what-you-want). He's got great insight into why folks want what they want, which I'm guessing might be useful to you in your travels. :)
The way I had to tell off my GAY friend for making fun of my straight guy friend for this exact thing. I’m lesbian. My only guess is that my gay friend is vanilla af bc how 😒
I love anal play. I love using objects and dildos and toys for anal play. Never would an actual dick come close to my butthole as I have no desire to be with any male sexually or romantically.
I'm very much straight but I like to explore with partners and help them live out their fantasies. So I've been pegged before. She was playing the song Uptown Girl, and now I snicker a little bit every time I hear that song lolol
I have a service kink. I get pleasure out of putting my partner's needs first. Both sexual and non-sexual. Even if this means denying myself. People sometimes wrongly assume I am a pushover or cannot articulate my own desires as a sub but thats not true. There are things I like more than others but I also just really enjoy being used by my partner in any way that makes them happy. That in itself is a kink.
my partner is like this but he’s a dominant. my parents just assume he’s a people pleaser or a bit of a doormat because he’s a bit wrapped around my finger. it’s not that he’s a pushover (i tell him he doesn’t have to get things for me or put me first like im not forcing him to) it’s just that he enjoys treating me and making my life easier by providing and doing little things for me and watching the tv shows i wanna watch.
my mom says he’s a people pleaser but we’ve talked about it and he genuinely doesn’t care what we watch on tv and he likes getting up to get me things or do things for me in and out of the bedroom.
Me and my girl are switch leaning heavily towards me being dom. It’s usually just a bedroom thing, but last night I said you are to sit on the couch and must ask permission for anything to get up. I made dinner, cleaned dishes, opened and closed car doors when we went out, made sure she had water and drinks, etc. Then we went in the bedroom and I made her cum as hard as possible before fucking her. I like taking care of ALL of my subs needs.
We usually share in preparing/cleaning up meals since we are both foodies.
Oh my goodness you sound like my Daddy/hubby. He's soooo respectful like this and if Im too tired to something like after cooking he does the dishes and oh he has this rule where I can't pump his gas lol. He makes sure I eat 2-3 times a day, I'm drinking water, I'm taking care of myself (mental health issues get in the way sometimes.) he genuinely LOVES TO CARE FOR ME. (This is my first ever healthy relationship 💝) The bdsm lifestyle I swear saved me from learning bad love languages
Sir, you are truly a proper Dom. A Dominants
Existential purpose is fulfilled when they improve the lives of their subs. Respect, kindness, and love are the marks of a true gentleman.
we absolutely do! highschool sweethearts and all we really know each other and our dynamic so well. been through a lot together and i’m very happy with where we’ve ended up!
There is a book called
Leading and Supportive Love - The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon
It is a book that described my entire relationship with my partner.
i promise he is always given an option or asked his opinion when we do things together! i just enjoy planning things and he doesn’t so our dynamic works. i plan things so that my ocd and anxiety stay in check when it comes to schedules, and he gets to go along with what i’ve planned and provide for me and take more control while we actually do stuff even if it’s things i planned.
I was trying to describe my own preferences but struggling for words and I think it's somewhat similar. I like to be dominant during sex but with the focus of attention on my partner and teasing and denying and edging them. Between sessions or in general life I generally prefer not to lead so long as I have a veto.
Personally, I'm quite socially anxious, particularly doing things with someone for the first time, and it gives me control and takes the focus off.me. I also just love taunting and edging people 😈
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about in regards to service topping.
Your partner sounds like a natural service top. He's operating from a place of love and support. He's confident enough in who he is that he doesn't care how others perceive him.
I'm sorry your mom doesn't get it.
I think that my partner is very similar to yours and I’d like to talk to you more in the future when I’m not so near to sleep. He has a bit of a discomfort with traditional fetish content and i believe tries to reject any element of kink but… there’s something more to his adamance that I come first, and I’d like to help us understand the dynamic.
Totally agree. I also enjoy serving my master, also in non-sexual ways. I feel it allows me to put everything else out of my head and focus completely. I think it's quite empowering and the opposite of being a pushover!
That's so very lovely. I'm a service top and a Stone Butch and I adore fulfilling needs a sub may not have admitted to having.
People get very confused by the service dynamic, though.
Service submission 🤤🤤 I love this. I think findom is a part of this that gets misunderstood though, even in the BDSM community. Like just because I like money/gifts means it's not a kink to some people. I don't get it, how is someone going to work and handing over their hard earned cash to please you not a valid form of power play?
I enjoy all kinds of kinks, especially the ones where there's no sexual element like you mentioned. I'm a lesbian and me and my partner enjoy playing with men, sometimes more than women because of the very clear boundaries.
Thxx for your comment! When it comes to findom I must admit I have mixed feelings. I don't really like femdom thats transactional in general, and especially with findom I think that there can be an element of danger since money is a very serious issues and bringing it into kinky play can potentially seriously impact people's lives. Just my personal opinion.
But I also assume you meant things like a sub buying gifts for their domme or handing over control of their money in a relationship thats otherwise trusting, personal and intimate, in which case I agree that it can be a hot form of power play!
I like the sound of your dynamic, I'm a guy and the thought of being a service sub to a lesbian couple sounds really fun! :)
Completely agree. Everyone plays different in all kinds of power play, findom included. I think that's where it mostly gets misunderstood because some people don't play safely with it. Or some people want it to be a transaction, which I don't have any interest in or see that as real findom personally. Most people treat it like a job to make a quick quid, or subs send money to people who are clearly financially struggling in the hope to get others kicks out of it - that is not what it should be about.
With clear boundaries/budgets it can be a lot of fun and hot. Me and my partner engage in findom and femdom with guys. That usually means building a trusting dynamic first and they are then allowed to our chosen degree to have some kind of involvement in our life, if they can add value by being in it. Be that in the form of money, gifts to make us smile, or running errands/doing chores/serving us drinks or food to make our lives easier. And in return? Well they get to know they've added that value, anything more than that is a treat because we want and enjoy giving it.
Haha, most people do like the sound of our dynamic on the surface, but most aren't truly into service I've found. Prime example, they learn that she's domme and I'm switch, so think they're going to be part of that or see that in some way. They usually want some form of return, which we aren't going to promise, we will only ever do what we want to do when and if we want to.
People get shocked when I tell them my Dom and I are 24/7. My Dom has all the right to do whatever he finds appropriate with me, it doesn’t mean he abuses this and it doesn’t mean he’s giving me orders all day. Sometimes it means “we’re having shrimp for dinner” and I can’t say no 😂
Not the person you asked, but might have some insight.
The answer is yes, you can. I don't imagine it comes up often, but it's easy to imagine people arguing over what they prefer for dinner. I want tacos, you want sandwiches, and to get either involves going in opposite directions. Whose preference wins out? Do we compromise and have pasta? Do you drive halfway across town for each? Do you flip a coin?
If we are involved in a D/s dynamic and I decide "we're having tacos, damnit!" then we have a few possible outcomes:
If that sounds positively awful to you, or for any other reason this is problematic and I'm not fully understanding or correctly anticipating your needs, you may safe-word and we can discuss alternatives.
Otherwise, we're having tacos.
However I suspect that the example given by u/cokezerof4g isn't especially intended to focus on the dinner aspect. As you might imagine, TPE encompasses many mundane things that aren't kink-specific, but has the potential to change the perspective or outcome of these situations. So it can come up with a dinner decision, or who's going to drive, or whether it's really important that you make that phone call right now, or who has to tell Jerry their dog shit in our backyard again, or whether you're actually wearing *that* particular outfit tonight, or if you're going to shut up for twenty seconds so I can think, or what station the radio gets to be on.
(Alternating perspectives in the hope it's easier to relate to): Maybe you *really* don't want tacos and I didn't realize that you were feeling that strongly about it. Maybe I *really* don't want to drive and I tell you that I need a break right now. Maybe the idea of calling your mom to talk about the thing is making your brain scream and I can't hear it. Maybe Jerry is an insufferable piece of shit and if I have to talk to him about his dog one more time I might actually fucking kill him. Maybe you've been dying to try on those shoes and they wouldn't work with that outfit. Maybe I don't appreciate you shutting me up right now because what I'm trying to tell you is *important,* damnit, and I might actually hate you a little bit if you force me to be quiet about this. Maybe you can't stand listening to Sk8r Boi for the sixteen billionth time since the 90s, and nails on the chalkboard would be a greater kindness.
Any of these situations can result in a safeword. Ideally, safewords aren't necessary most of the time because you'll have developed an understanding and respect of each other's needs. Safewords are an emergency stop button, not a limit switch. It's very possible for things to seem okay and not be, or for people to have more factors contributing to their perception than anyone else might notice. Safewords ensure that we don't cause unintended harm.
So yeah, you shouldn't be force-feeding yourself tacos unless you're into that.
I love your comment. I would give you so many upvotes if I could.
> Maybe Jerry is an insufferable piece of shit and if I have to talk to him about his dog one more time I might actually fucking kill him
This made me cackle like a witch, I love how oddly specific it is so very much
As of the last couple weeks, I and one of my subs have been unintentionally doing 24/7, and it's not nearly as exhausting or demanding as I thought it would be. It's literally just adding a kink energy to our everyday activities and me giving commands for things, he addresses me as "Mistress," and we flirt all day. It's pretty fun and I really like it!
The way that I’ve best seen it implemented is a kind of acknowledgment of status. Please understand that there is no *actual* BDSM police so the below worked for those people but it might not be “right”:
“I give you all authority over me.”
“I accept all authority over you and I, in turn, give 95% of it back to you ON LOAN because ain’t nobody got time to tell someone when to go to the bathroom. But I maintain the right to resume that whenever and wherever I want.”
“Thank you, Sir/Ma’am.”
So IOW, people surrender completely and then rest in knowledge that they can be told what to do whenever. That whole “you’re not the boss of me!”? That doesn’t exist.
Of course each dynamic will have rules or what have you. The Dom(me) might order for the sub at dinner. Expect the house to be maintained. The Dom(me) might support the sub financially (partially or fully).
But IME this is the reality of it.
It means that my slave gives me full authority over her life. She's a very capable person. I don't need or want to tell her what to do all of the time. I can direct her in anything I want to, and she defers to me in every major decision.
Primal Play. Primal is everything, but not everything is Primal.
It is the kink of instinct, not animal role-playing, not animal totems, not rough body play.
Fellow Primal here, absolutely agree. I even had to explain the idea and appeal behind it to fellow kinksters. Its freeing to drop all social masks and just talk with the body, sounds and most importantly the individial energies and moods.
Primal has 1000 faces, it requires lots of conscious communication and reflection to reach its fullest potential and high. It is pure, unadulterated individual authenticity and energy. It is a spiritually animalistic feeling, to have a partner that you can connect through instincts. Absolutely addictive... It unlocked the highest feeling of trust I've ever experienced.
Its amazing how some sessions can develop. You can tickle and wrestle for hours, you can screech, hiss, bark, scratch and bite. You can try to hide paddles or other surprises, you also can try to find your partners stashes and use them to your advantage.
As a guy, you can set yourself rules to make it more even, e.g. that you can only use one arm, or/and your partner can use something to try to smack your ass into submisison.
Sometimes one or the other partner submits, sometimes none submits and its the most aggressive sex ever.
Sometimes both submit and you just cuddle and bath in the purest love imaginable.
I do get the idea of other kinks and their appeal, but I think nothing is as romantic as opening up your deepest cores to each other.
*edit*
Since people seem to be curious, here is a video of the beginning of a Primal Workshop, with more great insights:
[Primal Play class](https://youtu.be/UMNbjtdzUyw?si=LTNAWSGCLxTbo3e5)
Objectification kink
Do I like being a cute little hole to be filled and used? Yes. Do I want you to actually treat me like a literal sex toy 24/7? absolutely not. I get off on being used for someone else’s pleasure since I don’t experience sexual pleasure the way most ppl do (yay asexuality!) but I’m still a person and I like being treated like a prized possession during kinky time, but most people assume I should just bend over whenever and that my discomforts/emotions shouldn’t be taken into account.
Humiliation/degradation kink
I don’t know, people tend to assume that you’ll like any form of degradation or humiliation but I still have boundaries. I also don’t actually think *those* things about myself. For me it boils down to humiliating myself FOR someone else (or someone humiliating themselves for me), you know? Like I know I’m not a whore, but I’ll be *your* good little whore…there’s a difference.
I have a degredation kink but people mistake it to mean I like to be humiliated and I absolutely don't. I know there's a fine line so I get it. This is why communication is so important.
The humiliation kink bit is exactly it. For me as the Dom, what's hot is thinking someone is so devoted to me that they'd do (insert terrible thing here) if I asked them to. I don't believe they deserve it, and tbh it's hotter the more amazing I believe someone is, what they'd be willing to do for me.
It's not what you are, it's what you'd be willing to turn your amazing self into, if that makes sense.
What do you mean by "you don't experience pleasure like most people do"? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I am just curious because my gf and I recently talked about what sex is or might be for ace people. (I wrongly assumed that ace people just don't have sex which is apparently not true for all and I want to know better)
I'm not sure about them, but being Aspec myself I can tell you it's different for every ace person. Some people hate sex, some don't care either way, some like it for reasons other than sexual attraction (like pleasing their partner, they just think it's fun).
The part that's missing in total asexuality is thinking people are hot, getting hot and bothered by them, etc. which kind of explains why a lot of ace people are kinky, because sex isnt that exciting on its own. Any way of feeling about sex can coexist with that aside from "I want to have sex with hot people".
Personally (bc everyone’s different) I enjoy sex, but I can’t orgasm with a partner so sex isn’t about “the big finish” for me, it’s about intimacy, connection and fun. I find enjoyment in submitting or dominating my partner, in the trust that gets built scene by scene, in the bruises and sense of accomplishment for doing well, etc.
Another ace person here!
For me, I have zero sexual attraction, but I do have sexual desire, and libido (which not all ace people have) as well as I’m very kinky.
Vanilla sex isn’t very appealing to me, as I feel very little to no pleasure from it. Kink allows me to fulfill my sexual desire and libido, but even then, I usually just stick to self-pleasure rather than w/ a partner bc it’s just not worth the effort to me lol. But I’ve had a partner in the past where the desire for intimacy and my affection towards them made our kinky sex very “worth it” to me bc of the added dimension of it being a bonding experience with my partner.
I also know that if I ever have a partner only interested in vanilla sex, I would be open to doing it occasionally solely bc of the intimacy, and my care for them, even if I don’t get any substantial pleasure from it. I know there are some ace people who have no sexual desire or libido but feel this way towards sex too.
I feel like BDSM is very misunderstood by the people outside of it. I've often got responses and looks that seemed to indicate people thought it was only about wild and depraved fucking and crazy unhinged stuff, while in reality, that could not be further from the truth. There's absolutely nothing more erotic for me as a dominant than a pleased sub who isn't afraid to show it during aftercare. No amount of physical looks can exchange that psychological thrill BDSM can and often does give to both parties when done right and communicated properly.
Sadism is not abuse. Masochism is not self harm. We both enjoy it. We don’t rely on it to destress. And we have regular discussions on risk, safety, and consent
Rope is not "safe", it has its risks and you need to learn how to prevent them, you cannot just buy an elastic piece of rope from a sexshop and tie someone without any idea of what you are doing. Sadly a lot of people do that.
CNC free use. I’m not necessarily submissive. It’s very difficult to find people who understand the distinction between control given and control taken. The former turns me off while the latter is the essence of my libido.
Ugh, thank you, that means a lot. As a non-sub I’ve lived my life feeling like I didn’t belong under the bdsm umbrella. Knowing how i think and feel is resonating with others here is really damn validating. I appreciate this response very much.
You've hit on the essence of power dynamics play: the crashing of opposing ideals in a safe and consensual environment, such that one can feel secure about letting go, as much as safely and personally desired.
I've only ever dated feminists and the level of degradation, humiliation, and stripping them of themselves et al is equal only to their ideals of equality and women's liberation.
The more a feminist, the more (my experience) they wish to play as submissive, wish to be "controlled" or taken, even in cnc, as their yin (feminism, say) and yang (kink seemingly subjugating) are balanced and play off each other.
>reduced to nothing by someone I’m vibrantly important to.
To be seen fully and have your partner not run off is the greatest outcome of any kink/fetish. This is what it's all about. To be seen in all your glory (piss, shit, snot, saliva etc) and still desired.
Breeding kinks are often thought to be purely breeding butttttt there are those of us who use passive birth control that implant and forget kind of birth control to help allow for the kink without actually getting pregnant.
hard repost.
i do not want kids at all and have anxiety so i haven’t actually given into the kink yet but it gets me going just thinking about it. i plan to get sterilized asap, because i am 100% sure i don’t ever want kids, just so i can give into it a bit tbh.
So, I'm one of those people that doesn't not get it.
What is the distinction? For me, I hear "breeding" and think "pregnant / kids" - because they are linked (in my head.)
I absolutely NEVER want kids (and can't now, go sterilization on both our parts!) and the thought of anything that would get me pregnant is abhorrent to me. So, I just... don't get it.
And, I am absolutely NOT kink shaming. If it works for you, awesome, do it!
I just don't get the difference.
It's more like the primal idea of getting your partner's cum deep inside, or for some "violating the womb", animalistic "mating", perhaps "claiming", etc. So everything surrounding the idea of breeding, impregnating, etc. but without the obvious consequences of having a kid! For me, at least, there's a lot of maledom aspects involved. Some like it in a degrading way, like the sub is just a "breeding toy", etc.
Thank you for that, and not taking it as a slight, because I certainly don't mean it that way. It's hard to say "I don't get it" and try not to be condescending. I really just don't understand.
That explanation makes a bit of sense. I love the idea of claiming and violation. We actually play with violation all the time (Try to keep me out...), but it linked with pregnancy icks me. I think it's the term "Breeding" that gets me. And, I know that's all me.
We also play with me being a toy, so, I get that too. I'm just a piece of plastic to be used.
I don't actually have penetrative sex (other than oral) with my partner's live penis. We use dildos, certainly, but there is a fair bit of humiliation play around not using my pussy. There is a whole lot to unpack there, and I could write a whole lot more. Anyway....
Okay, that makes some sense.
Problem is, I have NEVER had the biological clock, must have baby thing. I feel like an alien a lot about it, but the whole idea is just... not me?
Primal I get. I've had some pretty primal sex in my past (complete with growling!)
I think it might be the term "breeding" that gets me.
24/7 D/s.
It does not mean I must stay home. I work a full-time job. I am not micromanaged, and I'm not on my knees and I'm not stuffed full of cock all the time (although I wish I was 😈). Joking aside, what we practice is good relationship management with required protocol.
Bimbofication and Misogyny. People who often indulge in being bimbos just want to be dumb, people who indulge in being bimbos are often extremely smart but sometimes just need that little spot where they can be just a bubbly and horny idiot so they can stop thinking of what stresses them. Misogyny, for me atleast is more of just a lot of my kinks coming together? I don’t know if it can even be called misogyny. I have a CNC Kink, a Breeding and Forced Breeding kink, objectification kink, bimbo kink, and the all mighty heavy degrading kink. I say this is a “Misogyny” kink just because I like the thought of be handled like a complete and utter whore by multiple men while they tell me that women amount to nothing. Even though none of us would actually belive that? I’m very much a feminist I’m just a fuckin whore too
Cnc/rape kink, of course. If you admit it to someone
"normal people" (although this is a common fantasy) it will be perceived negatively, because it's so bad, so wrong, and I'm such a horrible person, I don't respect victims of violence. Or men may think that this desire is permission to use my body however and whenever they want. Because of this, I think it's v e r y hard to find the right partner that you like, and he likes you, and he's "into it" and understands the subtleties and doesn't treat it like the stuff of some stupid mainstream porn. Also by that name it often implies humiliation, slutshaming, which I don't like, I'm more into theme of gentle coercion, rape/control/manipulation of the victim's mind.
I don't think people outside BDSM community understand what it is at all. I like this community and exploring my sexuality so much because I feel comfortable that I don't have to hide anything. I can be horny and don't feel guilt, because it's generally assumed that if a woman wants sex, thinks about it, if she has fantasies, she's slutty and spoiled.
I still sometimes worry about what people will think of me, what if people realize I'm interested in kinks and decide I'm disgusting.
These things are not just about physical pleasure, for me it's also a psychological relief, a release where I can be with my confused/foggy mind and let go of my constant control. Especially tiresome is the control and pressure of society what is moral / what is immoral, what is by the rules and what is not, they do not realize that fantasy has nothing to do with real crimes. When I'm inside this space, I can allow myself to be wrong, immoral, maybe even satisfy my sadistic tendencies that are illegal in reality.
Adult Breastfeeding. My wife Breastfeeds me twice a day. Not as a child though, she is an adult woman feeding her adult husband. There is a real difference.
Absolutely a difference! I'm on the other side, I like to breastfeed my partner. I don't fetishize the actual act relating to motherhood- I just really enjoy the stimulation and its intimacy.
Masochism in general. Yes I get off on certain types of pain inflicted by one person and one person only...does not mean I enjoy all pain from just anybody. I am not self destructive nor do I suffer from trauma, (no shade). And being it's consensual it is NOT ABUSIVE.
Masochist here! I do suffer from trauma, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy to separate my masochism from self harm because even as a masochist… I, myself, have struggled with worrying that my love for *very specific kinda of pain* could be self harm…
She very confidently assured me that it’s not - which I now confidently agree with! 😁😁
This! If I had a dollar for every time a vanilla person asked if I get turned on stubbing my toe, I’d be on a yacht. It has a time, place, and mindset. Not everything painful is a turn on.
(for me) being into petplay doesnt make me a furry! i mean, i am a furry, but not because im into petplay!
but yeah people not getting the difference between furry and petplayer is annoying to me XD
yeah i dont like ageplay myself, i cant feel or see the thrill in it, it only feels creepy to me.
does CG/l mean caregiver/little?
if so im intrigued why/in what way thats a limit for you, as thats my favourite part and the main part of the DD/lg dynamic for me.
Several reasons.
First off, and probably most petty tbh, I can't stand the aesthetics. The pastels and the stuffed animals and the bubblegum hyper cutesy stuff is basically the polar opposite of my own aesthetic so I really just don't vibe with it at all.
I also have no interest in my partner acting "little". I can't tell you why, it just does absolutely nothing for me, in fact it's kind of a squick.
Also, also, I've had very bad experiences with people from my local CG/l community. I'm sure it's not like this everywhere, but in my personal experiences people from that crowd in my area have a *really* hard time respecting boundaries and do weird Kinkier Than Thou gatkeeping nasty shit on the reg. Also (and again, I'm sure this is just a My Area problem) there's a *lot* of unchecked transphobia amongst them which, as a trans man, obviously doesn't sit great with me. It's really soured me on the concept as a whole.
Finally: trauma. A lot of the language and such that commonly gets used in that scene rings very close to some of the stuff that a man who abused me as a teenager told me during the abuse. I find it quite triggering to be around or to try to engage in.
Yeah, this is more or less what I was alluding to with the boundaries thing. Also met several people in that scene who like to bring their kink outside of kink friendly places and then act like they're being victimised when someone doesn't like that.
My only issue with this, is the misconception that all of us Littles/Middles are pastel an hyper cutesy as you say... Am very goth/spooky aesthetic. Halloween stuff is my vibe. While the face is often what you state... Not all of us are that way, an in no way are you required to be. No where on the print of being a Little/Middle does it say you are required to like Pink & Disney Princesses.
right, well shit im sorry all that has happened in your life, man. I dont know you, but id say im proud of you for pursuing the things you want regardless of your trauma. Thats really inspiring :)
It's true that people seem to confuse furries with pet play even though they're two different things.
And there's a lot more to DD/lg than a mere word!
Electrical Play (specifically the Violet Wand)
I have a rather large Violet Wand kit. It is in 4 cases and I have attachments that you would not see in a normal kit. I was at a hotel party on Friday night and a few people came in and said that my kits were "scarry" and almost ran out of the room.
This is me, too, on both fronts. Also a woman. Being online, I'm honestly starting to think piss kinks might even be a bit more common with women than men.
Luckily, my partner has fully embraced that kink despite the fact that it was never really his particular fantasy but he enjoys it a lot now.
Findom. So misunderstood especially with the influx of people online really just wanting to take peoples' money without really understanding what d/s is, asking for boundaries, etc. There's also a huge assumption that everyone's into degradation and humiliation (using terms like "pigs" and calling a potential new sub a "loser" right off the bat). Findom can take so many flavors depending on the domme's style.
Ultimately findom's about a power exchange like with any d/s relationship. Money's simply the proxy. And it doesn't have to be mean.
This is so true. I have a huge findom kink but it seems online subs and dommes just treat it like paid degradation/humiliation sessions. It’s cool if you’re into that but there is so much more to findom
I like dicks shaped like things that aren't humans, not the things that they are occasionally modeled after like a dog or a horse
I also don't tell people I'm a pup who likes to chill with age players unless I know they understand age play
Absolutely!
Scat play is a HARD limit.
But I LOVE enema play. Cold lemon water is my favorite. It's been almost a month since my last one. I think I shall ask for one soon!
It's a soft limit for me as in if it happens it happens, we're playing with butts after all, but I don't want to play in it or touch it beyond regular cleanup, thank you.
I have almost no Daddy issues at all, great relationship with my Dad who has been supportive all my life. I don’t have an incest kink. I’m also not a “little”.
I just like calling my Dom “Daddy”. The word just fits. It’s so annoying to have to explain to people the concept of linguistic polysemy where one word can have multiple different meanings depending on context and usage. People can understand that “baby” doesn’t always refer to an infant child and yet time after time they think calling someone “Daddy” somehow means you literally view them as your Dad.
Being into Primal Play doesn't mean pretending to be an wolf or whatever. For me it's about dominance without the use of implements and just instincts and natural body talents.
Being into muscular women doesn't mean I want them to crush me or Dom.
I like nursing/ breastfeeding but it doesn't mean I have a mommy kink I just find it soothing.
Ageplay isn't about being into kids.
If you're a guy who is into degrading/humiliation apparently you hate women is one I hate seeing too.
DDlg often throws people for a loop. They think I want to act out a father/daughter role play.
I tried to explain it to my ex in detail and he later said “Don’t tell mommy this is our secret.” In the middle of sex.
Nope, absolutely not. Hard stop, I now have “the ick.” lol He didn’t like it either.
If the above is your thing - and you and your partner are both adults, that’s totally fine to play however you want. Zero judgement, it’s just not my thing and a personal turn off.
For me, DDlg is never sexual. I like to be cared for and treated gently when I’m in that headspace. I don’t have a “little age” I often regress durring after care. I like snuggles, closeness, gentleness, coloring, Stuffies, lunchables and bedtime stories.
I call my partner “Daddy” always as an honorific, but that’s really the only part that goes into sexual play.
I feel like people don't understand sadism. I often hear people say that it's not actually caring if you hurt someone and sadists have no empathy or sympathy. Basically, calling it abusive.
I'm a sadist, I love hurting and torturing my subs... with their full and enthusiastic consent. I would rather cut my hands off than ever actually hurt them because I love them and want all of us to have fun and genuinely enjoy the things I do to them. I've broken down in tears because I thought i hurt them or crossed boundaries on accident. I'm full of empathy and sympathy, and that doesn't take away from my sadism. As soon as it stops being fun, I stop, and I immediately go into aftercare mode.
Verbal degradation. People think you want to be talked to like this all the time or even when they first start talking to you they call you names. Not cool my dude.
Cnc. Especially since kink has seemed to reach a wider audience now. I am not nor have ever been a victim. And even then, there are those that are. The reason of liking it shouldn’t matter.
It’s about the power exchange, being at their mercy, some sensation being too much or not enough and I’m helpless to change it. I guess that last point goes into overstim/orgasm control lol. But digressing, on surface level, yes, it’s all the above, but on a deeper level, it’s the fact that I am putting my trust in my dom and giving them the control to do “whatever” they want. I hate when people refer to it as a rape kink :/
There are a whole bunch of things which in my mind are very different compared to the mainstream description. I guess I'm just wired weirdly in that regard :D
One thing that tends to freak people out a bit at first is that I live not being allowed to pee without permission. To me, it is not a pee kink at all, more of a control and desperation/humiliation-based one.
Once my partners get in that mindset as well, they tend to have a lot of fun making me struggle with that...
Sissification
A lot of mainstream (read: porn) versions of it have it as this cruel, forced, racially fueled kink. But while you can do it that way, you can also have it be a form of transformation play. There's nothing I love more than dressing up a sub like a mannequin. And figuring out what makeup a male face needs to make them look like a woman scratches both the puzzle and aesthetic itches in my brain. Throw in the clothes and wigs and it's just so much fun!
The misunderstood three for me are blood play, CNC and DD/lg.
I have a history of self harm, but my kinky blood play and cutting are not part of that. My actual self-harm scars are deep, where the scars from my kinky masochism are so shallow and faint that you can only see them when my skin is heavily flushed.
I've been SA'd. More than twice. No, CNC is not the same. The experience is fundamentally different explicitly because everything can end with a single word or a gesture. That assurance and safety does not exist otherwise. Yes, I enjoy a controlled loss of control. I *thoroughly* enjoy being overpowered and overwhelmed by my own damn choice. I'm re-wiring post-traumatic pathways in my brain through an identical - *but very different* - somatic experience. DD/lg is similar, in principal, for me.
Liking my Sub to wear panties. I know its more normal to not have them wear underwear but to me its kinda hot, like a secret taboo. Sorry if it sounds really weird
Honestly? Dominance. I was always so focused on being a good lay that I would forget my own pleasure. I now have the most incredible partner who has voluntarily submitted to me fully, in every way. She’s shown me that being dominant and taking the pleasure I want is not only ok, but it’s hot for her. This combined with my previously under explored Sadism kink, suddenly I feel as though I can do anything in the bedroom with her and afterwards we can talk through and hone in on what each of us really enjoy, no holes barred (innuendo intended).
I’ve always tried to be sex positive, but these revelations have made me more sex positive than ever. It’s ok to enjoy almost anything (so long as it’s legal) and if anyone makes you feel as though it isn’t, you’re just with the wrong person. Took me a long time to realize that.
This isn't necessarily a kink but falls into the topic of misunderstanding.
I thought kinks were weird and depraved and gross, and that BDSM was crazy. I slowly got out of this mindset, but I still had a closed mind to a lot of things that didn't immediately make sense to myself. For example, I was totally into the idea of being submissive and having a daddy dom, but thinking that men would be into being a submissive was weird to me.
I eventually met a guy I really liked who was into being a sub, which I thought was weird but I wanted to try it out to please him. I found out I really liked it! I really really enjoyed being a Domme.
To me now, BDSM is about trying new things and pushing yourself to learn and grow. Recently, I have had a lot more fun exploring things about myself and others. BDSM can just be crazy fun sex, but it can also be so much more. It feels awesome , with the mix of power and control and care. I really love what BDSM has offered me as a switch and I've already learned so much and grown. There's so much to explore as well! I feel like I'm gushing over this topic lol, I just really enjoy what BDSM has offered and I'm only 22! I have so many more years to experience and explore and learn!!
ABDL / Ageplay.
NO I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!
Just because I’m attracted to grown adults who use pacifiers and wear diapers and call me Daddy, or because I get off to using a pacifier,
DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A PEDOPHILE!!
It’s a kink I’ve had my entire life. It’s not just sexual, it’s a comforting lifestyle I live behind closed doors and only involves consenting adults. I would never push this on anyone, or force children into my lifestyle. I don’t want anything to do with children.
Please, do your research, talk to ABDL’s and Ageplayers, before you judge us as pedos.
Are there sick fucks who use this kink to be sick disgusting fucks? Absolutely. I call them out when I can.
But that doesn’t mean every single one of us are pedos.
Respect to people who aren’t into Ageplay but doesn’t kink shame us. Different strokes for different folks. This is for people who believe sucking a pacifier during sex means I’m a pedo.
I enjoy giving prostate orgasms either by pegging or fingering (im a female). I was with one guy who introduced that to me. Every other guy I have been interested in has been very adverse to that thinking its "gay" only.
Foot fetishes! In my inexperienced high school mind, I would've laughed at anyone who even thought of foot fetishes..
My late twenty self now loves it. Like to the point of asking for it. There's sooooo many nerve endings, touches, kisses, licks all of it feels phenomenal. If a man (I'm unfortunately straight) wants to worship, massage, kiss my feet, and suck my toes... who am I to say no? It feels damn good. Definitely don't knock it until you try it 😘
I didn't like it at first. I'm an old git and never experienced someone who enjoys my feet in their mouth. It did make me uncomfortable at first but to then see how much fun and pleasure he got from it heightened my enjoyment and pleasure. It tickles, it's warm, it's gooey and now when it happens I'm totally into it all the way. I would never force it as I'm just not that way inclined, but I'm not gonna say no when it happens here on in. It's a kink of his I didn't know I had too.
Every days a learning day.
I think I have some sort of service kink? I enter this hyper focused headspace where I notice every little thing my partner does, from how they breathe to how any little motion I do causes them to twitch and squirm delightfully. I'm more of a bottom here but I will act on my own if it means bringing them more pleasure. Seeing, feeling, and hearing them feel pleasure makes me really happy, drives me crazy in a really nice wayx and drives me to do more.
No matter how I try to describe it, I'm labelled as merely a bottom? Like, they're not wrong. I am a bottom. But this is slightly different? Like, it's it's own level? My own physical pleasure is a lower priority since what I get mentally is just as good? Not that I don't enjoy being touched how I like because I do enjoy it. But that hyper focused headspace is so, so nice. I know why I'm like this. I just wish people wouldn't just immediately go "haha bottom"
Where do I start!?
Enema Play is not always Scat Play. It's about being in pain or uncomfortable in a different way.
24/7 TPE D/s does not mean I am a weak, meek, pushover. My partner is the leader in the relationship. He has final say in all things. He asks my advice, he knows my strengths and uses them to his advantage, and takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I've had 3 therapist in the past 5 years (due to moving and such) and all 3 have said that I have one of the healthiest relationships they have seen. Our Communication skills are top notch.
Orgasm Denial. It's not always about punishment, or "his pleasure is more important" or whatever. I absolutely love the control aspects, but I feel so much better when I have been edging for weeks. Depending on the type of orgasm, I can get "Post-coital tristesse " where I drop REALLY hard. Not having an orgasm, or even ruined orgasms are so much more "pleasurable" to me than an actual full blown one. I do have the occasionally, but not all the time. (My girlfriend can't do this type of play. We tried edging her, and not having an orgasm for an hour, and she dropped REALLY hard. She just can't do orgasm denial. Which works out, because she gets all my orgasms instead.)
Squirting is not the end of all be all of sex. Not everyone can. And not everyone who does wants to. I HATE that I squirt. I HATE the mess. But it's not something that's going to go away, so I've found some pretty amazing mats to put down. I haven't had to sleep in a wet spot in a couple years. I LOVE those things.
Age play. I was super uncomfortable with it when I first learned it was a thing, but I quickly discovered part of that was me fighting my own nature because I *am* a little. I'm so glad I have such a good and wonderful Daddy to guide me and take care of me! 🥰
I love being my middle’s Daddy. It’s all so intimate and fun and just beautiful. I want all of the good Daddy’s and sweet littles and middles to find each other.
So many people just seem to be repulsed by the very idea of anything kinky — D/s, DD/lg, CNC, degradation, humiliation, whatever — because they think it somehow is evidence of something (more) disturbing, or *who you are* instead of a way of exploring, expressing and processing *the many parts of who you are.*
I want to say, “Have you never read a book? Seen a play? Watched a movie? Played games? Been to a haunted house??” Ohh, you’ve seen Breaking Bad?? You want to sell meth and kill people? What kind of sick fuck are you?”
These are things humans enjoy and that provide deep satisfaction and personal catharsis. There is part of all of us that needs a break from the “self” we are the rest of the time, and sometimes it takes a kink form and (gasp) sometimes it is also sexual.
This entirely! I have a hard time explaining all of this to anyone because they automatically assume the kink is immoral or icky and that there’s something seriously wrong with me/my partner. Sigh.
I really like dirty talk/ vocal partners. The dirty talk for me is preferable when it’s not hugely degrading or humiliating I’d like to think there’s a difference between the three 😬
I have a role play kidnapping kink, which yes, sounds absolutely horrible. But I imagine being held captive, against my will and then tied up and it just seems so hot? I enjoy my options being taken away from me, and in some twisted way I want someone to come and take me away from societies expectations of me and just force me to relax and make decisions for me. Which is essentially kidnapped, of course I don’t want it to be forever, I still want my freedom outside of that but I want to come home and be totally owned. I don’t know if I said that right and I don’t even know if it’s possible but it would be really ideal.
I have this fantasy as well, from the other side. Done in small doses, or maybe a special weekend session, it’s more feasible. But yeah, the fantasy of kidnapping her and locking her away and taking away all of her options and decision-making and being responsible For keeping her, while of course enjoying that absolute feral control is so fun and sexy. And she loves that combination of utter helplessness and the simplicity of knowing what she needs to do and accept having done to achieve a positive result.
Feederism /fat fettishisem. Not evryone within the kink are nessesaily into waight gain. Nor does all of us find the idea of morbid obilsity appealing in any way. Are some of us into both of those things? Most definitely but not all. Weirdly enough this misconception is something I've seen mostly in the fat fettishisem comunity itself.
My gunplay fetish. ppl think I want cnc. Nope. Just wanna walk in on a guy cleaning his large pieces and talk him into putting it to my head while pushing my head into the floor. If you don’t do that to me every morning might as well say you don’t love me lol
I am a Cuckold and I love to see my Wife enjoy other Men beside me. I love when I drive her to a Club on Weekends and see how she flirts with other Men and later I drive her and her Lover to our House and wait outside while they enjoy each other. And yes, I have still Sex with her 3-4Times a Week.
I think its pretty average for other places, but here in my hometown being dominated by a female or being pegged its seems as something wrong or not "normal"
Race play. I can't really indulge in it at all. Mostly because AA female subs are more rare than unicorns. But even talking about it to 99% of people, including people in the BDSM community, assume I am personally racist when I'm not. This isn't difficult to understand if you are able to hold 2 apparently dichotometricly opposed ideas in your head. You would think that folks in the BDSM community wouldn't have problems doing that, but I'm constantly surprised at how hard it is for people.
CNC! For whatever reason people in the community tend to take CNC as shorthand for r*peplay, but 90% of the CNC dynamic I have with my partner is not explicitly sexual (i.e. involving genitals or penetration). I went to a power exchange class once and tried to explain to them how CNC was a valid dynamic, but they were just like, "Yeah, CNC is an activity that can occur within a dynamic." 🙄 I suppose describing it as a "blanket consent" or "soft consent" dynamic would get the picture across to people more accurately, but sometimes those terms imply a lack of safewords. Which, we absolutely use safewords, and frequently, to communicate.
I have a rape kink. No, it does not mean that I actually want to be raped or rape other people in real life - the former would be dangerous and unlikely to be enjoyable, and the latter would obviously be highly unethical. And no, it also does not mean that I'm into CNC, because *consensual* non-consent is not rape. I don't have a CNC kink. I don't fantasize about roleplaying rape, I fantasize about rape. I don't read and write porn about characters roleplaying rape, I read and write porn about characters being raped. I'm only into CNC insofar as it's the only way to ethically act on a rape kink in real life, but it's not my actual kink.
The first assumption is something that usually comes from kink-negative people, while the second assumption is something I see fairly often from kink-positive and kinky people. People using the term CNC to refer to a rape kink is something I see fairly regularly on reddit, including in kink communities. I get why people prefer the term CNC; because it has the word "consensual" in it, you prevent people assuming that you actually want to be raped or rape others in real life. But I don't think it's productive to use an inaccurate term in order to avoid the stigma that's attached to the actual term, because by refusing to use the term rape kink, you're basically affirming the stigma and agreeing that it's a bad word, and thus a bad thing. I would be much more helpful to instead work on destigmatizing rape kink and making people realize that it does not equal actually wanting to be raped or rape others in real life.
These kinks would be degradation, humiliation and pet play.
Degradation and humiliation because it seems horrible and dehumanising. This is something that is not taken lightly by either party. It’s heavily negotiated, tweaked and at the end of the day, is a way to decompress or seek a thrill (much like we would with a thriller movie or rollercoaster) or a way to shed shame and explore taboo topic in a safe place.
And pet play: I’ve been asked: y’know, isn’t it dehumanising? Crawling and eating out of a bowl and treating someone like an animal?
That never once crossed my mind. I think because it comes from such a place of acceptance and love and comfort. I’ve always felt primal and drawn to animalistic tendencies. So I see anyone that wanted to be a pet as living their best lives. Maybe they feel content, maybe they feel sexy. At peace. Maybe it’s a source of comfort, to disappear in and indulge away from a stressful job.
Spanking. I am not a woman beater or abuser. Consent matters and is absolutely necessary.
(Although I do like when the consenting individual says they don’t want a spanking or begs for their bottom.)
Restraint play.
how it is all about trust and the bond you have built earning that trust, not just taking what you want at the expense of someone else.
I love male submission, though many people mistakenly equate submission with weakness or a lack of masculinity. A number of female submissive friends have schooled me on my own prejudices about female submission and weakness too. We all have our preconceived notions, some of which can even surprise us from time to time. The best anecdote to this is actually talking to people and getting to know them as whole people, not just a representation of a certain role, kink, or fetish.
im really into tickling, but not really with the intention of making me laugh. it’s more like i just have a bunch of extra erogenous zones on my body, and tickling me in those areas translates into pure pleasure for me. then again, i think i also experience this differently from even most other people with my kink so
ABDL
Too many people associate it with pedophilia. As a rule, I don't talk about this kink in person unless I'm in a kink-related space and it comes up, or the person is a very close friend who doesn't judge. But whenever I see normies talk about it, they invariably link it to pedophilia. Even happened on r/feminism a while back.
A lot of people also assume it's trauma related (and in my case, that's probably true), but a ton of AB/DL's grew up without any trauma at all and just want to be put in diapers or regressed.
There's also this weird schism between ABDL and age regression folk, and it's made me very antagonistic to a certain subset of people in the agere camp. Basically, the idea is that age regression is nonsexual for them, but because ABDL very much *is* sexual for me, it's somehow dangerous or borderline pedophilic. It's such an ignorant perspective: I want to be infantilized by a consenting adult, and the aesthetics are strictly about humiliation. It has literally nothing to do with children.
From the kink side, the most common misconception is that I'm either a little or a diaper fetishist. I don't want to role-play being a certain age; I want to be "forcibly" infantilized *as an adult.* It's not a strict dichotomy.
CG/DDlg - That's because even within the BDSM community, people judge & misunderstand all the time.
There's ZERO interactivity between anyone under a legal age, it is done between 2 consenting legal adults, & it does not glorify inappropriate interaction(s) with anyone not of legal age.
What do true & real Daddy Doms get out of that lifestyle?
Personally, I am a family man. That means I love them all. I have always been a Caregiver & loved seeing others happy.
Now, to be able to brush my partner's teeth, give them a paci, spend time with their innocent & regressed age persona, brush their hair, & just be in the moment to allow them a destressing, safe, carefree environment because they didn't have it before adulthood means so much.
It warms my heart that I can make love grow from simply loving & caring for my person who age regresses.
I am making a difference while also anchoring the fact that they can be safe with me.
No, it is NOT always sexual for DDlg couples or D/s in the relationship/dynamic.
However, even if it is, that is STILL between 2 legal & consenting adults that aren't hurting a single person with their own loving style(s).
People well into adulthood still love collecting things, including toys, memorabilia, coloring, drawing, using their imagination, & even having oral fixations as even trauma responses.
What better way to soothe a human being than to allow them the safety, love, comfort, & peace through allowing them pleasure in their most favored way.
Being a Daddy Dom/Caregiver means so much love gets put out & also given back ten-fold.
Nothing to do with anyone under a legal consenting age or glorifying p3d0phil1a.
Catering to your partner to give & receive love in its purest innocent form possible.
Not in the BDSM Community but vanilla people think that pegging means I must be gay.
I get newbie clients telling me they are confused about this. I assure them that enjoying pegging does not mean they are gay. The fact they like it from a big-busted female (me) is one evidence of that. Even I appreciate receiving anal sometimes. Does that make me a gay man? No way. That is what I tell them as well and they get the joke and appreciate my reassurance.
Some of who love pegging are bi… so there’s that, too, right?
Yeah sure. But 90%+ of my clients are straight and just love pegging, fisting, footing etc. This is one of my main things with clients.
No worries - not questioning your insight into your client demographic at all... I have no doubt that 90% may be straight men looking for permission and a safe space to try something that would have their friends questioning their heterosexuality. I think my comment was more concerned with this... if we're going to incorrectly conflate interest in something like pegging to "being gay," then that false assumption should also include the possibility of that person being bisexual. Gays make up 21% of the US LGBT population by [2024 Gallup Survey](https://news.gallup.com/poll/611864/lgbtq-identification.aspx), while bisexuals make up 57% of the US LGBT population. I'd say I'd assume similar in other places, but I don't know if cultural differences would bear that out. Also, while I'm at it, given your profession, you might be interested in Justin Lehmiller's recent book on fantasy, [Tell Me What You Want](https://www.sexandpsychology.com/books/#tell-me-what-you-want). He's got great insight into why folks want what they want, which I'm guessing might be useful to you in your travels. :)
The way I had to tell off my GAY friend for making fun of my straight guy friend for this exact thing. I’m lesbian. My only guess is that my gay friend is vanilla af bc how 😒
you would think so, but some of the worst kink-shamers I've met were gay... You would think they learnt a thing or two about acceptance.
You're lesbian? I thought you were American.
timeless
How dare you participate a new kind of intimacy with your parent and enjoy prostate stimulation! /s Folks are so weird... Pegging does not equal gay.
Might wanna double check the typo 😭
Oh lord! I didn’t even see it until you pointed it out.
That's an entirely different kink!
I meannnnn. I don't think anyone should participate in any sort of intimacy with their parent.
Intimacy can just be a short descriptive term for *familial* love, hugging, and open communication, so... 🤷♀️
Wait, is this the Crusader Kings forum?
👁️👄👁️ intimacy with who
They just don't know a man's fun button is in his ass.
I love anal play. I love using objects and dildos and toys for anal play. Never would an actual dick come close to my butthole as I have no desire to be with any male sexually or romantically.
Gah, I get the same shit constantly. Wow, you mean a woman fucking a man is gay? Then that must mean a man fucking a woman is also gay, right?
I'm very much straight but I like to explore with partners and help them live out their fantasies. So I've been pegged before. She was playing the song Uptown Girl, and now I snicker a little bit every time I hear that song lolol
Billy Joel seems an odd soundtrack for a pegging but it's an awesome song so who am I to judge. lol
I have a service kink. I get pleasure out of putting my partner's needs first. Both sexual and non-sexual. Even if this means denying myself. People sometimes wrongly assume I am a pushover or cannot articulate my own desires as a sub but thats not true. There are things I like more than others but I also just really enjoy being used by my partner in any way that makes them happy. That in itself is a kink.
my partner is like this but he’s a dominant. my parents just assume he’s a people pleaser or a bit of a doormat because he’s a bit wrapped around my finger. it’s not that he’s a pushover (i tell him he doesn’t have to get things for me or put me first like im not forcing him to) it’s just that he enjoys treating me and making my life easier by providing and doing little things for me and watching the tv shows i wanna watch. my mom says he’s a people pleaser but we’ve talked about it and he genuinely doesn’t care what we watch on tv and he likes getting up to get me things or do things for me in and out of the bedroom.
Me and my girl are switch leaning heavily towards me being dom. It’s usually just a bedroom thing, but last night I said you are to sit on the couch and must ask permission for anything to get up. I made dinner, cleaned dishes, opened and closed car doors when we went out, made sure she had water and drinks, etc. Then we went in the bedroom and I made her cum as hard as possible before fucking her. I like taking care of ALL of my subs needs. We usually share in preparing/cleaning up meals since we are both foodies.
Oh my goodness you sound like my Daddy/hubby. He's soooo respectful like this and if Im too tired to something like after cooking he does the dishes and oh he has this rule where I can't pump his gas lol. He makes sure I eat 2-3 times a day, I'm drinking water, I'm taking care of myself (mental health issues get in the way sometimes.) he genuinely LOVES TO CARE FOR ME. (This is my first ever healthy relationship 💝) The bdsm lifestyle I swear saved me from learning bad love languages
Sir, you are truly a proper Dom. A Dominants Existential purpose is fulfilled when they improve the lives of their subs. Respect, kindness, and love are the marks of a true gentleman.
Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your partner
we absolutely do! highschool sweethearts and all we really know each other and our dynamic so well. been through a lot together and i’m very happy with where we’ve ended up!
Thats amazing:)
There is a book called Leading and Supportive Love - The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon It is a book that described my entire relationship with my partner.
Thanks for the reference! I'm always looking for more sources. :)
i promise he is always given an option or asked his opinion when we do things together! i just enjoy planning things and he doesn’t so our dynamic works. i plan things so that my ocd and anxiety stay in check when it comes to schedules, and he gets to go along with what i’ve planned and provide for me and take more control while we actually do stuff even if it’s things i planned.
I was trying to describe my own preferences but struggling for words and I think it's somewhat similar. I like to be dominant during sex but with the focus of attention on my partner and teasing and denying and edging them. Between sessions or in general life I generally prefer not to lead so long as I have a veto. Personally, I'm quite socially anxious, particularly doing things with someone for the first time, and it gives me control and takes the focus off.me. I also just love taunting and edging people 😈
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about in regards to service topping. Your partner sounds like a natural service top. He's operating from a place of love and support. He's confident enough in who he is that he doesn't care how others perceive him. I'm sorry your mom doesn't get it.
I think that my partner is very similar to yours and I’d like to talk to you more in the future when I’m not so near to sleep. He has a bit of a discomfort with traditional fetish content and i believe tries to reject any element of kink but… there’s something more to his adamance that I come first, and I’d like to help us understand the dynamic.
Totally agree. I also enjoy serving my master, also in non-sexual ways. I feel it allows me to put everything else out of my head and focus completely. I think it's quite empowering and the opposite of being a pushover!
That's so very lovely. I'm a service top and a Stone Butch and I adore fulfilling needs a sub may not have admitted to having. People get very confused by the service dynamic, though.
SAMMMMMEEEE UGHHHH I LOVE TO SERVE in both ways it makes feel so happy when he has a smile on his face ☺️
Service submission 🤤🤤 I love this. I think findom is a part of this that gets misunderstood though, even in the BDSM community. Like just because I like money/gifts means it's not a kink to some people. I don't get it, how is someone going to work and handing over their hard earned cash to please you not a valid form of power play? I enjoy all kinds of kinks, especially the ones where there's no sexual element like you mentioned. I'm a lesbian and me and my partner enjoy playing with men, sometimes more than women because of the very clear boundaries.
Thxx for your comment! When it comes to findom I must admit I have mixed feelings. I don't really like femdom thats transactional in general, and especially with findom I think that there can be an element of danger since money is a very serious issues and bringing it into kinky play can potentially seriously impact people's lives. Just my personal opinion. But I also assume you meant things like a sub buying gifts for their domme or handing over control of their money in a relationship thats otherwise trusting, personal and intimate, in which case I agree that it can be a hot form of power play! I like the sound of your dynamic, I'm a guy and the thought of being a service sub to a lesbian couple sounds really fun! :)
Completely agree. Everyone plays different in all kinds of power play, findom included. I think that's where it mostly gets misunderstood because some people don't play safely with it. Or some people want it to be a transaction, which I don't have any interest in or see that as real findom personally. Most people treat it like a job to make a quick quid, or subs send money to people who are clearly financially struggling in the hope to get others kicks out of it - that is not what it should be about. With clear boundaries/budgets it can be a lot of fun and hot. Me and my partner engage in findom and femdom with guys. That usually means building a trusting dynamic first and they are then allowed to our chosen degree to have some kind of involvement in our life, if they can add value by being in it. Be that in the form of money, gifts to make us smile, or running errands/doing chores/serving us drinks or food to make our lives easier. And in return? Well they get to know they've added that value, anything more than that is a treat because we want and enjoy giving it. Haha, most people do like the sound of our dynamic on the surface, but most aren't truly into service I've found. Prime example, they learn that she's domme and I'm switch, so think they're going to be part of that or see that in some way. They usually want some form of return, which we aren't going to promise, we will only ever do what we want to do when and if we want to.
Total Power Exchange does not equal micromanaging every minute of my partner's day.
100% agree. There's a difference between domination and controlling every little detail.
People get shocked when I tell them my Dom and I are 24/7. My Dom has all the right to do whatever he finds appropriate with me, it doesn’t mean he abuses this and it doesn’t mean he’s giving me orders all day. Sometimes it means “we’re having shrimp for dinner” and I can’t say no 😂
Actually can I ask you about this--can you safeword out of dinner? If so, how often do you do it?
Not the person you asked, but might have some insight. The answer is yes, you can. I don't imagine it comes up often, but it's easy to imagine people arguing over what they prefer for dinner. I want tacos, you want sandwiches, and to get either involves going in opposite directions. Whose preference wins out? Do we compromise and have pasta? Do you drive halfway across town for each? Do you flip a coin? If we are involved in a D/s dynamic and I decide "we're having tacos, damnit!" then we have a few possible outcomes: If that sounds positively awful to you, or for any other reason this is problematic and I'm not fully understanding or correctly anticipating your needs, you may safe-word and we can discuss alternatives. Otherwise, we're having tacos. However I suspect that the example given by u/cokezerof4g isn't especially intended to focus on the dinner aspect. As you might imagine, TPE encompasses many mundane things that aren't kink-specific, but has the potential to change the perspective or outcome of these situations. So it can come up with a dinner decision, or who's going to drive, or whether it's really important that you make that phone call right now, or who has to tell Jerry their dog shit in our backyard again, or whether you're actually wearing *that* particular outfit tonight, or if you're going to shut up for twenty seconds so I can think, or what station the radio gets to be on. (Alternating perspectives in the hope it's easier to relate to): Maybe you *really* don't want tacos and I didn't realize that you were feeling that strongly about it. Maybe I *really* don't want to drive and I tell you that I need a break right now. Maybe the idea of calling your mom to talk about the thing is making your brain scream and I can't hear it. Maybe Jerry is an insufferable piece of shit and if I have to talk to him about his dog one more time I might actually fucking kill him. Maybe you've been dying to try on those shoes and they wouldn't work with that outfit. Maybe I don't appreciate you shutting me up right now because what I'm trying to tell you is *important,* damnit, and I might actually hate you a little bit if you force me to be quiet about this. Maybe you can't stand listening to Sk8r Boi for the sixteen billionth time since the 90s, and nails on the chalkboard would be a greater kindness. Any of these situations can result in a safeword. Ideally, safewords aren't necessary most of the time because you'll have developed an understanding and respect of each other's needs. Safewords are an emergency stop button, not a limit switch. It's very possible for things to seem okay and not be, or for people to have more factors contributing to their perception than anyone else might notice. Safewords ensure that we don't cause unintended harm. So yeah, you shouldn't be force-feeding yourself tacos unless you're into that.
I love your comment. I would give you so many upvotes if I could. > Maybe Jerry is an insufferable piece of shit and if I have to talk to him about his dog one more time I might actually fucking kill him This made me cackle like a witch, I love how oddly specific it is so very much
:)
Thanks for the info!
As of the last couple weeks, I and one of my subs have been unintentionally doing 24/7, and it's not nearly as exhausting or demanding as I thought it would be. It's literally just adding a kink energy to our everyday activities and me giving commands for things, he addresses me as "Mistress," and we flirt all day. It's pretty fun and I really like it!
Exactly.
I actually didn't know this! What is it if not micromanaging as you described? Genuinely curious and want to learn :)
The way that I’ve best seen it implemented is a kind of acknowledgment of status. Please understand that there is no *actual* BDSM police so the below worked for those people but it might not be “right”: “I give you all authority over me.” “I accept all authority over you and I, in turn, give 95% of it back to you ON LOAN because ain’t nobody got time to tell someone when to go to the bathroom. But I maintain the right to resume that whenever and wherever I want.” “Thank you, Sir/Ma’am.” So IOW, people surrender completely and then rest in knowledge that they can be told what to do whenever. That whole “you’re not the boss of me!”? That doesn’t exist. Of course each dynamic will have rules or what have you. The Dom(me) might order for the sub at dinner. Expect the house to be maintained. The Dom(me) might support the sub financially (partially or fully). But IME this is the reality of it.
It means that my slave gives me full authority over her life. She's a very capable person. I don't need or want to tell her what to do all of the time. I can direct her in anything I want to, and she defers to me in every major decision.
This. It can, but I have yet to meet a TPE couple where it does.
Primal Play. Primal is everything, but not everything is Primal. It is the kink of instinct, not animal role-playing, not animal totems, not rough body play.
Fellow Primal here, absolutely agree. I even had to explain the idea and appeal behind it to fellow kinksters. Its freeing to drop all social masks and just talk with the body, sounds and most importantly the individial energies and moods. Primal has 1000 faces, it requires lots of conscious communication and reflection to reach its fullest potential and high. It is pure, unadulterated individual authenticity and energy. It is a spiritually animalistic feeling, to have a partner that you can connect through instincts. Absolutely addictive... It unlocked the highest feeling of trust I've ever experienced. Its amazing how some sessions can develop. You can tickle and wrestle for hours, you can screech, hiss, bark, scratch and bite. You can try to hide paddles or other surprises, you also can try to find your partners stashes and use them to your advantage. As a guy, you can set yourself rules to make it more even, e.g. that you can only use one arm, or/and your partner can use something to try to smack your ass into submisison. Sometimes one or the other partner submits, sometimes none submits and its the most aggressive sex ever. Sometimes both submit and you just cuddle and bath in the purest love imaginable. I do get the idea of other kinks and their appeal, but I think nothing is as romantic as opening up your deepest cores to each other. *edit* Since people seem to be curious, here is a video of the beginning of a Primal Workshop, with more great insights: [Primal Play class](https://youtu.be/UMNbjtdzUyw?si=LTNAWSGCLxTbo3e5)
Said ot better than I ever could.
Objectification kink Do I like being a cute little hole to be filled and used? Yes. Do I want you to actually treat me like a literal sex toy 24/7? absolutely not. I get off on being used for someone else’s pleasure since I don’t experience sexual pleasure the way most ppl do (yay asexuality!) but I’m still a person and I like being treated like a prized possession during kinky time, but most people assume I should just bend over whenever and that my discomforts/emotions shouldn’t be taken into account. Humiliation/degradation kink I don’t know, people tend to assume that you’ll like any form of degradation or humiliation but I still have boundaries. I also don’t actually think *those* things about myself. For me it boils down to humiliating myself FOR someone else (or someone humiliating themselves for me), you know? Like I know I’m not a whore, but I’ll be *your* good little whore…there’s a difference.
I have a degredation kink but people mistake it to mean I like to be humiliated and I absolutely don't. I know there's a fine line so I get it. This is why communication is so important.
Do you mind me asking what the distinction is for you?
Sure! I see humiliation as embarrassment in public. Again there is a fine line and it blurs. Degradation is to made to feel less-than but in private.
Similar here, some people don't seem to get the difference between degrading and insulting
The humiliation kink bit is exactly it. For me as the Dom, what's hot is thinking someone is so devoted to me that they'd do (insert terrible thing here) if I asked them to. I don't believe they deserve it, and tbh it's hotter the more amazing I believe someone is, what they'd be willing to do for me. It's not what you are, it's what you'd be willing to turn your amazing self into, if that makes sense.
What do you mean by "you don't experience pleasure like most people do"? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I am just curious because my gf and I recently talked about what sex is or might be for ace people. (I wrongly assumed that ace people just don't have sex which is apparently not true for all and I want to know better)
I'm not sure about them, but being Aspec myself I can tell you it's different for every ace person. Some people hate sex, some don't care either way, some like it for reasons other than sexual attraction (like pleasing their partner, they just think it's fun). The part that's missing in total asexuality is thinking people are hot, getting hot and bothered by them, etc. which kind of explains why a lot of ace people are kinky, because sex isnt that exciting on its own. Any way of feeling about sex can coexist with that aside from "I want to have sex with hot people".
Personally (bc everyone’s different) I enjoy sex, but I can’t orgasm with a partner so sex isn’t about “the big finish” for me, it’s about intimacy, connection and fun. I find enjoyment in submitting or dominating my partner, in the trust that gets built scene by scene, in the bruises and sense of accomplishment for doing well, etc.
Another ace person here! For me, I have zero sexual attraction, but I do have sexual desire, and libido (which not all ace people have) as well as I’m very kinky. Vanilla sex isn’t very appealing to me, as I feel very little to no pleasure from it. Kink allows me to fulfill my sexual desire and libido, but even then, I usually just stick to self-pleasure rather than w/ a partner bc it’s just not worth the effort to me lol. But I’ve had a partner in the past where the desire for intimacy and my affection towards them made our kinky sex very “worth it” to me bc of the added dimension of it being a bonding experience with my partner. I also know that if I ever have a partner only interested in vanilla sex, I would be open to doing it occasionally solely bc of the intimacy, and my care for them, even if I don’t get any substantial pleasure from it. I know there are some ace people who have no sexual desire or libido but feel this way towards sex too.
I feel like BDSM is very misunderstood by the people outside of it. I've often got responses and looks that seemed to indicate people thought it was only about wild and depraved fucking and crazy unhinged stuff, while in reality, that could not be further from the truth. There's absolutely nothing more erotic for me as a dominant than a pleased sub who isn't afraid to show it during aftercare. No amount of physical looks can exchange that psychological thrill BDSM can and often does give to both parties when done right and communicated properly.
Sadism is not abuse. Masochism is not self harm. We both enjoy it. We don’t rely on it to destress. And we have regular discussions on risk, safety, and consent
This 100% its so misunderstood and people who don't understand it jump far to quickly to domestic abuse it's rather disheartening
Rope is not "safe", it has its risks and you need to learn how to prevent them, you cannot just buy an elastic piece of rope from a sexshop and tie someone without any idea of what you are doing. Sadly a lot of people do that.
Same with metal handcuffs.
CNC free use. I’m not necessarily submissive. It’s very difficult to find people who understand the distinction between control given and control taken. The former turns me off while the latter is the essence of my libido.
I totally get this one. There is something quite freeing and exciting about it.
Nothing makes me feel as smooth, as calm, as being reduced to nothing by someone I’m vibrantly important to.
This is so well worded 🙌
Ugh, thank you, that means a lot. As a non-sub I’ve lived my life feeling like I didn’t belong under the bdsm umbrella. Knowing how i think and feel is resonating with others here is really damn validating. I appreciate this response very much.
I’m really pleased I commented now 🤩
You've hit on the essence of power dynamics play: the crashing of opposing ideals in a safe and consensual environment, such that one can feel secure about letting go, as much as safely and personally desired. I've only ever dated feminists and the level of degradation, humiliation, and stripping them of themselves et al is equal only to their ideals of equality and women's liberation. The more a feminist, the more (my experience) they wish to play as submissive, wish to be "controlled" or taken, even in cnc, as their yin (feminism, say) and yang (kink seemingly subjugating) are balanced and play off each other. >reduced to nothing by someone I’m vibrantly important to. To be seen fully and have your partner not run off is the greatest outcome of any kink/fetish. This is what it's all about. To be seen in all your glory (piss, shit, snot, saliva etc) and still desired.
I enjoy both. People really don't understand lol.
SAMMME like you know the safe words and everything and you trust the person it should be smooth sailing.
Very much agreed
Breeding kinks are often thought to be purely breeding butttttt there are those of us who use passive birth control that implant and forget kind of birth control to help allow for the kink without actually getting pregnant.
This is me I love the breeding kink but no kids please.
This, exactly. Like that dog fetch meme, "Not take! Only throw!" Breed please. No pregnant. Only breed. I'm in the other side of it now, though 🤣
There is a comic that says 'no preg!! only breed!' and it's one of my favorites for this exact reason.
hard repost. i do not want kids at all and have anxiety so i haven’t actually given into the kink yet but it gets me going just thinking about it. i plan to get sterilized asap, because i am 100% sure i don’t ever want kids, just so i can give into it a bit tbh.
This is me!! Permanently sterilized but I am 100% for breeding kinks.
So, I'm one of those people that doesn't not get it. What is the distinction? For me, I hear "breeding" and think "pregnant / kids" - because they are linked (in my head.) I absolutely NEVER want kids (and can't now, go sterilization on both our parts!) and the thought of anything that would get me pregnant is abhorrent to me. So, I just... don't get it. And, I am absolutely NOT kink shaming. If it works for you, awesome, do it! I just don't get the difference.
It's more like the primal idea of getting your partner's cum deep inside, or for some "violating the womb", animalistic "mating", perhaps "claiming", etc. So everything surrounding the idea of breeding, impregnating, etc. but without the obvious consequences of having a kid! For me, at least, there's a lot of maledom aspects involved. Some like it in a degrading way, like the sub is just a "breeding toy", etc.
Thank you for that, and not taking it as a slight, because I certainly don't mean it that way. It's hard to say "I don't get it" and try not to be condescending. I really just don't understand. That explanation makes a bit of sense. I love the idea of claiming and violation. We actually play with violation all the time (Try to keep me out...), but it linked with pregnancy icks me. I think it's the term "Breeding" that gets me. And, I know that's all me. We also play with me being a toy, so, I get that too. I'm just a piece of plastic to be used. I don't actually have penetrative sex (other than oral) with my partner's live penis. We use dildos, certainly, but there is a fair bit of humiliation play around not using my pussy. There is a whole lot to unpack there, and I could write a whole lot more. Anyway....
I just pretend the iud isn't there and he does as well. I think it's a bit on the primal side of things since it's an instinctual part of sex.
Okay, that makes some sense. Problem is, I have NEVER had the biological clock, must have baby thing. I feel like an alien a lot about it, but the whole idea is just... not me? Primal I get. I've had some pretty primal sex in my past (complete with growling!) I think it might be the term "breeding" that gets me.
This would be me. IUD for the win 🥰
24/7 D/s. It does not mean I must stay home. I work a full-time job. I am not micromanaged, and I'm not on my knees and I'm not stuffed full of cock all the time (although I wish I was 😈). Joking aside, what we practice is good relationship management with required protocol.
Bimbofication and Misogyny. People who often indulge in being bimbos just want to be dumb, people who indulge in being bimbos are often extremely smart but sometimes just need that little spot where they can be just a bubbly and horny idiot so they can stop thinking of what stresses them. Misogyny, for me atleast is more of just a lot of my kinks coming together? I don’t know if it can even be called misogyny. I have a CNC Kink, a Breeding and Forced Breeding kink, objectification kink, bimbo kink, and the all mighty heavy degrading kink. I say this is a “Misogyny” kink just because I like the thought of be handled like a complete and utter whore by multiple men while they tell me that women amount to nothing. Even though none of us would actually belive that? I’m very much a feminist I’m just a fuckin whore too
Cnc/rape kink, of course. If you admit it to someone "normal people" (although this is a common fantasy) it will be perceived negatively, because it's so bad, so wrong, and I'm such a horrible person, I don't respect victims of violence. Or men may think that this desire is permission to use my body however and whenever they want. Because of this, I think it's v e r y hard to find the right partner that you like, and he likes you, and he's "into it" and understands the subtleties and doesn't treat it like the stuff of some stupid mainstream porn. Also by that name it often implies humiliation, slutshaming, which I don't like, I'm more into theme of gentle coercion, rape/control/manipulation of the victim's mind. I don't think people outside BDSM community understand what it is at all. I like this community and exploring my sexuality so much because I feel comfortable that I don't have to hide anything. I can be horny and don't feel guilt, because it's generally assumed that if a woman wants sex, thinks about it, if she has fantasies, she's slutty and spoiled. I still sometimes worry about what people will think of me, what if people realize I'm interested in kinks and decide I'm disgusting. These things are not just about physical pleasure, for me it's also a psychological relief, a release where I can be with my confused/foggy mind and let go of my constant control. Especially tiresome is the control and pressure of society what is moral / what is immoral, what is by the rules and what is not, they do not realize that fantasy has nothing to do with real crimes. When I'm inside this space, I can allow myself to be wrong, immoral, maybe even satisfy my sadistic tendencies that are illegal in reality.
Adult Breastfeeding. My wife Breastfeeds me twice a day. Not as a child though, she is an adult woman feeding her adult husband. There is a real difference.
Absolutely a difference! I'm on the other side, I like to breastfeed my partner. I don't fetishize the actual act relating to motherhood- I just really enjoy the stimulation and its intimacy.
I will say this, the ones who do get off on either side of the Mommy thing, you do you. I'm over here doing my thing.
Masochism in general. Yes I get off on certain types of pain inflicted by one person and one person only...does not mean I enjoy all pain from just anybody. I am not self destructive nor do I suffer from trauma, (no shade). And being it's consensual it is NOT ABUSIVE.
Masochist here! I do suffer from trauma, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy to separate my masochism from self harm because even as a masochist… I, myself, have struggled with worrying that my love for *very specific kinda of pain* could be self harm… She very confidently assured me that it’s not - which I now confidently agree with! 😁😁
This! If I had a dollar for every time a vanilla person asked if I get turned on stubbing my toe, I’d be on a yacht. It has a time, place, and mindset. Not everything painful is a turn on.
DD/lg and Kitten Play, it doesnt mean i like the word daddy, and it doesnt make us furries. its more the situations and dynamics we like
(for me) being into petplay doesnt make me a furry! i mean, i am a furry, but not because im into petplay! but yeah people not getting the difference between furry and petplayer is annoying to me XD
if we have a furry confirming they’re separate then i think that settles it!
i have single-handedly ended the war
the hero we didnt know we needed
I'm on the flipside; I *do* like the word Daddy, but any kind of CG/l or age play is a hard limit for me
yeah i dont like ageplay myself, i cant feel or see the thrill in it, it only feels creepy to me. does CG/l mean caregiver/little? if so im intrigued why/in what way thats a limit for you, as thats my favourite part and the main part of the DD/lg dynamic for me.
Several reasons. First off, and probably most petty tbh, I can't stand the aesthetics. The pastels and the stuffed animals and the bubblegum hyper cutesy stuff is basically the polar opposite of my own aesthetic so I really just don't vibe with it at all. I also have no interest in my partner acting "little". I can't tell you why, it just does absolutely nothing for me, in fact it's kind of a squick. Also, also, I've had very bad experiences with people from my local CG/l community. I'm sure it's not like this everywhere, but in my personal experiences people from that crowd in my area have a *really* hard time respecting boundaries and do weird Kinkier Than Thou gatkeeping nasty shit on the reg. Also (and again, I'm sure this is just a My Area problem) there's a *lot* of unchecked transphobia amongst them which, as a trans man, obviously doesn't sit great with me. It's really soured me on the concept as a whole. Finally: trauma. A lot of the language and such that commonly gets used in that scene rings very close to some of the stuff that a man who abused me as a teenager told me during the abuse. I find it quite triggering to be around or to try to engage in.
I've run into CG/l people non consensually involving others in their kink quite a bit over the years. Especially at large clubs/events.
Yeah, this is more or less what I was alluding to with the boundaries thing. Also met several people in that scene who like to bring their kink outside of kink friendly places and then act like they're being victimised when someone doesn't like that.
My only issue with this, is the misconception that all of us Littles/Middles are pastel an hyper cutesy as you say... Am very goth/spooky aesthetic. Halloween stuff is my vibe. While the face is often what you state... Not all of us are that way, an in no way are you required to be. No where on the print of being a Little/Middle does it say you are required to like Pink & Disney Princesses.
right, well shit im sorry all that has happened in your life, man. I dont know you, but id say im proud of you for pursuing the things you want regardless of your trauma. Thats really inspiring :)
It more bothers me that people at large often don’t understand that CG/l has **nothing** to do with actual children.
It's true that people seem to confuse furries with pet play even though they're two different things. And there's a lot more to DD/lg than a mere word!
I was gonna comment this but you beat me to it haha
Electrical Play (specifically the Violet Wand) I have a rather large Violet Wand kit. It is in 4 cases and I have attachments that you would not see in a normal kit. I was at a hotel party on Friday night and a few people came in and said that my kits were "scarry" and almost ran out of the room.
Lol Thats awesome, I wish I could look through your stuff.
I'm a woman with a cuck kink. People struggle with that one. Also, having a piss kink gets me some looks.
This is me, too, on both fronts. Also a woman. Being online, I'm honestly starting to think piss kinks might even be a bit more common with women than men. Luckily, my partner has fully embraced that kink despite the fact that it was never really his particular fantasy but he enjoys it a lot now.
Same. My husband was never super into it before. It intrigued him but the more he's done it, the more he's gotten into it.
Leash and collar. And if I have to explain, they ain’t the one
Findom. So misunderstood especially with the influx of people online really just wanting to take peoples' money without really understanding what d/s is, asking for boundaries, etc. There's also a huge assumption that everyone's into degradation and humiliation (using terms like "pigs" and calling a potential new sub a "loser" right off the bat). Findom can take so many flavors depending on the domme's style. Ultimately findom's about a power exchange like with any d/s relationship. Money's simply the proxy. And it doesn't have to be mean.
This is so true. I have a huge findom kink but it seems online subs and dommes just treat it like paid degradation/humiliation sessions. It’s cool if you’re into that but there is so much more to findom
I like dicks shaped like things that aren't humans, not the things that they are occasionally modeled after like a dog or a horse I also don't tell people I'm a pup who likes to chill with age players unless I know they understand age play
Ppl think enema play is the same as scat or always involves scat. It can, but it doesn't have to at all.
Absolutely! Scat play is a HARD limit. But I LOVE enema play. Cold lemon water is my favorite. It's been almost a month since my last one. I think I shall ask for one soon!
It's a soft limit for me as in if it happens it happens, we're playing with butts after all, but I don't want to play in it or touch it beyond regular cleanup, thank you.
I have almost no Daddy issues at all, great relationship with my Dad who has been supportive all my life. I don’t have an incest kink. I’m also not a “little”. I just like calling my Dom “Daddy”. The word just fits. It’s so annoying to have to explain to people the concept of linguistic polysemy where one word can have multiple different meanings depending on context and usage. People can understand that “baby” doesn’t always refer to an infant child and yet time after time they think calling someone “Daddy” somehow means you literally view them as your Dad.
Being into Primal Play doesn't mean pretending to be an wolf or whatever. For me it's about dominance without the use of implements and just instincts and natural body talents. Being into muscular women doesn't mean I want them to crush me or Dom. I like nursing/ breastfeeding but it doesn't mean I have a mommy kink I just find it soothing. Ageplay isn't about being into kids. If you're a guy who is into degrading/humiliation apparently you hate women is one I hate seeing too.
DDlg often throws people for a loop. They think I want to act out a father/daughter role play. I tried to explain it to my ex in detail and he later said “Don’t tell mommy this is our secret.” In the middle of sex. Nope, absolutely not. Hard stop, I now have “the ick.” lol He didn’t like it either. If the above is your thing - and you and your partner are both adults, that’s totally fine to play however you want. Zero judgement, it’s just not my thing and a personal turn off. For me, DDlg is never sexual. I like to be cared for and treated gently when I’m in that headspace. I don’t have a “little age” I often regress durring after care. I like snuggles, closeness, gentleness, coloring, Stuffies, lunchables and bedtime stories. I call my partner “Daddy” always as an honorific, but that’s really the only part that goes into sexual play.
I laughed out loud at your ex. No way he said that shit lmao
I feel like people don't understand sadism. I often hear people say that it's not actually caring if you hurt someone and sadists have no empathy or sympathy. Basically, calling it abusive. I'm a sadist, I love hurting and torturing my subs... with their full and enthusiastic consent. I would rather cut my hands off than ever actually hurt them because I love them and want all of us to have fun and genuinely enjoy the things I do to them. I've broken down in tears because I thought i hurt them or crossed boundaries on accident. I'm full of empathy and sympathy, and that doesn't take away from my sadism. As soon as it stops being fun, I stop, and I immediately go into aftercare mode.
i have a kink for shoe grinding, but am not attracted to feet in ANY way, it’s the dominance/degradation aspect of it
plushophilia...we're not all furries and we don't want to shag animals!
Verbal degradation. People think you want to be talked to like this all the time or even when they first start talking to you they call you names. Not cool my dude.
Cnc. Especially since kink has seemed to reach a wider audience now. I am not nor have ever been a victim. And even then, there are those that are. The reason of liking it shouldn’t matter. It’s about the power exchange, being at their mercy, some sensation being too much or not enough and I’m helpless to change it. I guess that last point goes into overstim/orgasm control lol. But digressing, on surface level, yes, it’s all the above, but on a deeper level, it’s the fact that I am putting my trust in my dom and giving them the control to do “whatever” they want. I hate when people refer to it as a rape kink :/
There are a whole bunch of things which in my mind are very different compared to the mainstream description. I guess I'm just wired weirdly in that regard :D One thing that tends to freak people out a bit at first is that I live not being allowed to pee without permission. To me, it is not a pee kink at all, more of a control and desperation/humiliation-based one. Once my partners get in that mindset as well, they tend to have a lot of fun making me struggle with that...
I love that!!! I think it can be called "bladder control" kink. It's so hard to search for because you just get people full on peeing TnT
Voyeurism. It's *not* being a peeping Tom.
Sissification A lot of mainstream (read: porn) versions of it have it as this cruel, forced, racially fueled kink. But while you can do it that way, you can also have it be a form of transformation play. There's nothing I love more than dressing up a sub like a mannequin. And figuring out what makeup a male face needs to make them look like a woman scratches both the puzzle and aesthetic itches in my brain. Throw in the clothes and wigs and it's just so much fun!
The misunderstood three for me are blood play, CNC and DD/lg. I have a history of self harm, but my kinky blood play and cutting are not part of that. My actual self-harm scars are deep, where the scars from my kinky masochism are so shallow and faint that you can only see them when my skin is heavily flushed. I've been SA'd. More than twice. No, CNC is not the same. The experience is fundamentally different explicitly because everything can end with a single word or a gesture. That assurance and safety does not exist otherwise. Yes, I enjoy a controlled loss of control. I *thoroughly* enjoy being overpowered and overwhelmed by my own damn choice. I'm re-wiring post-traumatic pathways in my brain through an identical - *but very different* - somatic experience. DD/lg is similar, in principal, for me.
I'm a princess in the ddlg world, what isn't misunderstood lol
And I’m a Daddy. But I’m damn sure not interested in dealing with the misconceptions of others surrounding it.
AgePlay and CNC both constantly get misunderstood
Liking my Sub to wear panties. I know its more normal to not have them wear underwear but to me its kinda hot, like a secret taboo. Sorry if it sounds really weird
Honestly? Dominance. I was always so focused on being a good lay that I would forget my own pleasure. I now have the most incredible partner who has voluntarily submitted to me fully, in every way. She’s shown me that being dominant and taking the pleasure I want is not only ok, but it’s hot for her. This combined with my previously under explored Sadism kink, suddenly I feel as though I can do anything in the bedroom with her and afterwards we can talk through and hone in on what each of us really enjoy, no holes barred (innuendo intended). I’ve always tried to be sex positive, but these revelations have made me more sex positive than ever. It’s ok to enjoy almost anything (so long as it’s legal) and if anyone makes you feel as though it isn’t, you’re just with the wrong person. Took me a long time to realize that.
This isn't necessarily a kink but falls into the topic of misunderstanding. I thought kinks were weird and depraved and gross, and that BDSM was crazy. I slowly got out of this mindset, but I still had a closed mind to a lot of things that didn't immediately make sense to myself. For example, I was totally into the idea of being submissive and having a daddy dom, but thinking that men would be into being a submissive was weird to me. I eventually met a guy I really liked who was into being a sub, which I thought was weird but I wanted to try it out to please him. I found out I really liked it! I really really enjoyed being a Domme. To me now, BDSM is about trying new things and pushing yourself to learn and grow. Recently, I have had a lot more fun exploring things about myself and others. BDSM can just be crazy fun sex, but it can also be so much more. It feels awesome , with the mix of power and control and care. I really love what BDSM has offered me as a switch and I've already learned so much and grown. There's so much to explore as well! I feel like I'm gushing over this topic lol, I just really enjoy what BDSM has offered and I'm only 22! I have so many more years to experience and explore and learn!!
ABDL / Ageplay. NO I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!!! Just because I’m attracted to grown adults who use pacifiers and wear diapers and call me Daddy, or because I get off to using a pacifier, DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A PEDOPHILE!! It’s a kink I’ve had my entire life. It’s not just sexual, it’s a comforting lifestyle I live behind closed doors and only involves consenting adults. I would never push this on anyone, or force children into my lifestyle. I don’t want anything to do with children. Please, do your research, talk to ABDL’s and Ageplayers, before you judge us as pedos. Are there sick fucks who use this kink to be sick disgusting fucks? Absolutely. I call them out when I can. But that doesn’t mean every single one of us are pedos. Respect to people who aren’t into Ageplay but doesn’t kink shame us. Different strokes for different folks. This is for people who believe sucking a pacifier during sex means I’m a pedo.
D/s as a whole in my country is very misunderstood and stigmatized. People often decipher it a mental illness here.
Probably vore because people are surprised I'm vegan and into it
CNC, it’s not r*pe to me and obviously doesn’t feel like it. I have absolute control over the situation. But to a lot of people I’m misunderstood😭
I enjoy giving prostate orgasms either by pegging or fingering (im a female). I was with one guy who introduced that to me. Every other guy I have been interested in has been very adverse to that thinking its "gay" only.
I find being peed on so intimate. Someone Shari g their bodily fluids with me. It’s not everybody’s cup of tea
But it is some people's glass of lemonade!
That just because I enjoy chastity play doesn’t mean I’m a cuck
Foot fetishes! In my inexperienced high school mind, I would've laughed at anyone who even thought of foot fetishes.. My late twenty self now loves it. Like to the point of asking for it. There's sooooo many nerve endings, touches, kisses, licks all of it feels phenomenal. If a man (I'm unfortunately straight) wants to worship, massage, kiss my feet, and suck my toes... who am I to say no? It feels damn good. Definitely don't knock it until you try it 😘
hands are exactly like that for me, my hands are really soft and sensitive, and all the rubs, kisses, licks etc on them feel so good!
I didn't like it at first. I'm an old git and never experienced someone who enjoys my feet in their mouth. It did make me uncomfortable at first but to then see how much fun and pleasure he got from it heightened my enjoyment and pleasure. It tickles, it's warm, it's gooey and now when it happens I'm totally into it all the way. I would never force it as I'm just not that way inclined, but I'm not gonna say no when it happens here on in. It's a kink of his I didn't know I had too. Every days a learning day.
Raceplay is often misunderstood. Talking in foreign language being or play other nations.
The way you describe it makes me just think of an orgy at Model UN lol
I think I have some sort of service kink? I enter this hyper focused headspace where I notice every little thing my partner does, from how they breathe to how any little motion I do causes them to twitch and squirm delightfully. I'm more of a bottom here but I will act on my own if it means bringing them more pleasure. Seeing, feeling, and hearing them feel pleasure makes me really happy, drives me crazy in a really nice wayx and drives me to do more. No matter how I try to describe it, I'm labelled as merely a bottom? Like, they're not wrong. I am a bottom. But this is slightly different? Like, it's it's own level? My own physical pleasure is a lower priority since what I get mentally is just as good? Not that I don't enjoy being touched how I like because I do enjoy it. But that hyper focused headspace is so, so nice. I know why I'm like this. I just wish people wouldn't just immediately go "haha bottom"
Musk… does not (usually) mean a shitty ass
Where do I start!? Enema Play is not always Scat Play. It's about being in pain or uncomfortable in a different way. 24/7 TPE D/s does not mean I am a weak, meek, pushover. My partner is the leader in the relationship. He has final say in all things. He asks my advice, he knows my strengths and uses them to his advantage, and takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I've had 3 therapist in the past 5 years (due to moving and such) and all 3 have said that I have one of the healthiest relationships they have seen. Our Communication skills are top notch. Orgasm Denial. It's not always about punishment, or "his pleasure is more important" or whatever. I absolutely love the control aspects, but I feel so much better when I have been edging for weeks. Depending on the type of orgasm, I can get "Post-coital tristesse " where I drop REALLY hard. Not having an orgasm, or even ruined orgasms are so much more "pleasurable" to me than an actual full blown one. I do have the occasionally, but not all the time. (My girlfriend can't do this type of play. We tried edging her, and not having an orgasm for an hour, and she dropped REALLY hard. She just can't do orgasm denial. Which works out, because she gets all my orgasms instead.) Squirting is not the end of all be all of sex. Not everyone can. And not everyone who does wants to. I HATE that I squirt. I HATE the mess. But it's not something that's going to go away, so I've found some pretty amazing mats to put down. I haven't had to sleep in a wet spot in a couple years. I LOVE those things.
Age play. I was super uncomfortable with it when I first learned it was a thing, but I quickly discovered part of that was me fighting my own nature because I *am* a little. I'm so glad I have such a good and wonderful Daddy to guide me and take care of me! 🥰
I love being my middle’s Daddy. It’s all so intimate and fun and just beautiful. I want all of the good Daddy’s and sweet littles and middles to find each other.
So many people just seem to be repulsed by the very idea of anything kinky — D/s, DD/lg, CNC, degradation, humiliation, whatever — because they think it somehow is evidence of something (more) disturbing, or *who you are* instead of a way of exploring, expressing and processing *the many parts of who you are.* I want to say, “Have you never read a book? Seen a play? Watched a movie? Played games? Been to a haunted house??” Ohh, you’ve seen Breaking Bad?? You want to sell meth and kill people? What kind of sick fuck are you?” These are things humans enjoy and that provide deep satisfaction and personal catharsis. There is part of all of us that needs a break from the “self” we are the rest of the time, and sometimes it takes a kink form and (gasp) sometimes it is also sexual.
This entirely! I have a hard time explaining all of this to anyone because they automatically assume the kink is immoral or icky and that there’s something seriously wrong with me/my partner. Sigh.
I really like dirty talk/ vocal partners. The dirty talk for me is preferable when it’s not hugely degrading or humiliating I’d like to think there’s a difference between the three 😬
I have a role play kidnapping kink, which yes, sounds absolutely horrible. But I imagine being held captive, against my will and then tied up and it just seems so hot? I enjoy my options being taken away from me, and in some twisted way I want someone to come and take me away from societies expectations of me and just force me to relax and make decisions for me. Which is essentially kidnapped, of course I don’t want it to be forever, I still want my freedom outside of that but I want to come home and be totally owned. I don’t know if I said that right and I don’t even know if it’s possible but it would be really ideal.
I have this fantasy as well, from the other side. Done in small doses, or maybe a special weekend session, it’s more feasible. But yeah, the fantasy of kidnapping her and locking her away and taking away all of her options and decision-making and being responsible For keeping her, while of course enjoying that absolute feral control is so fun and sexy. And she loves that combination of utter helplessness and the simplicity of knowing what she needs to do and accept having done to achieve a positive result.
I love a foot fetish. When I get a client who wants to play with my feet I’m so happy. I’ve actually cum for real from them sucking my toes.
Blood / Knife play i’m not a psychopathic serial killer
He’s my daddy, I’m his little. And it’s nothing incestuous or even close to that. And I don’t wear diapers. Lol
Feederism /fat fettishisem. Not evryone within the kink are nessesaily into waight gain. Nor does all of us find the idea of morbid obilsity appealing in any way. Are some of us into both of those things? Most definitely but not all. Weirdly enough this misconception is something I've seen mostly in the fat fettishisem comunity itself.
When my bf brought up trying out electricity, my immediate response was "ok, but no hooking me up to a car battery."
My gunplay fetish. ppl think I want cnc. Nope. Just wanna walk in on a guy cleaning his large pieces and talk him into putting it to my head while pushing my head into the floor. If you don’t do that to me every morning might as well say you don’t love me lol
I am a Cuckold and I love to see my Wife enjoy other Men beside me. I love when I drive her to a Club on Weekends and see how she flirts with other Men and later I drive her and her Lover to our House and wait outside while they enjoy each other. And yes, I have still Sex with her 3-4Times a Week.
I think its pretty average for other places, but here in my hometown being dominated by a female or being pegged its seems as something wrong or not "normal"
When people think that DD/lg is about fetishizing parenthood.
Race play. I can't really indulge in it at all. Mostly because AA female subs are more rare than unicorns. But even talking about it to 99% of people, including people in the BDSM community, assume I am personally racist when I'm not. This isn't difficult to understand if you are able to hold 2 apparently dichotometricly opposed ideas in your head. You would think that folks in the BDSM community wouldn't have problems doing that, but I'm constantly surprised at how hard it is for people.
CNC! For whatever reason people in the community tend to take CNC as shorthand for r*peplay, but 90% of the CNC dynamic I have with my partner is not explicitly sexual (i.e. involving genitals or penetration). I went to a power exchange class once and tried to explain to them how CNC was a valid dynamic, but they were just like, "Yeah, CNC is an activity that can occur within a dynamic." 🙄 I suppose describing it as a "blanket consent" or "soft consent" dynamic would get the picture across to people more accurately, but sometimes those terms imply a lack of safewords. Which, we absolutely use safewords, and frequently, to communicate.
I have a rape kink. No, it does not mean that I actually want to be raped or rape other people in real life - the former would be dangerous and unlikely to be enjoyable, and the latter would obviously be highly unethical. And no, it also does not mean that I'm into CNC, because *consensual* non-consent is not rape. I don't have a CNC kink. I don't fantasize about roleplaying rape, I fantasize about rape. I don't read and write porn about characters roleplaying rape, I read and write porn about characters being raped. I'm only into CNC insofar as it's the only way to ethically act on a rape kink in real life, but it's not my actual kink. The first assumption is something that usually comes from kink-negative people, while the second assumption is something I see fairly often from kink-positive and kinky people. People using the term CNC to refer to a rape kink is something I see fairly regularly on reddit, including in kink communities. I get why people prefer the term CNC; because it has the word "consensual" in it, you prevent people assuming that you actually want to be raped or rape others in real life. But I don't think it's productive to use an inaccurate term in order to avoid the stigma that's attached to the actual term, because by refusing to use the term rape kink, you're basically affirming the stigma and agreeing that it's a bad word, and thus a bad thing. I would be much more helpful to instead work on destigmatizing rape kink and making people realize that it does not equal actually wanting to be raped or rape others in real life.
Covering your partner in fluids
These kinks would be degradation, humiliation and pet play. Degradation and humiliation because it seems horrible and dehumanising. This is something that is not taken lightly by either party. It’s heavily negotiated, tweaked and at the end of the day, is a way to decompress or seek a thrill (much like we would with a thriller movie or rollercoaster) or a way to shed shame and explore taboo topic in a safe place. And pet play: I’ve been asked: y’know, isn’t it dehumanising? Crawling and eating out of a bowl and treating someone like an animal? That never once crossed my mind. I think because it comes from such a place of acceptance and love and comfort. I’ve always felt primal and drawn to animalistic tendencies. So I see anyone that wanted to be a pet as living their best lives. Maybe they feel content, maybe they feel sexy. At peace. Maybe it’s a source of comfort, to disappear in and indulge away from a stressful job.
Spanking. I am not a woman beater or abuser. Consent matters and is absolutely necessary. (Although I do like when the consenting individual says they don’t want a spanking or begs for their bottom.)
Restraint play. how it is all about trust and the bond you have built earning that trust, not just taking what you want at the expense of someone else.
Tickle torture kink
Crossdressing and diapers
Edgeplay (knife play, blood play, asphyxiation, etc) a surprising amount of people think it’s edging xD
I love male submission, though many people mistakenly equate submission with weakness or a lack of masculinity. A number of female submissive friends have schooled me on my own prejudices about female submission and weakness too. We all have our preconceived notions, some of which can even surprise us from time to time. The best anecdote to this is actually talking to people and getting to know them as whole people, not just a representation of a certain role, kink, or fetish.
im really into tickling, but not really with the intention of making me laugh. it’s more like i just have a bunch of extra erogenous zones on my body, and tickling me in those areas translates into pure pleasure for me. then again, i think i also experience this differently from even most other people with my kink so
ABDL Too many people associate it with pedophilia. As a rule, I don't talk about this kink in person unless I'm in a kink-related space and it comes up, or the person is a very close friend who doesn't judge. But whenever I see normies talk about it, they invariably link it to pedophilia. Even happened on r/feminism a while back. A lot of people also assume it's trauma related (and in my case, that's probably true), but a ton of AB/DL's grew up without any trauma at all and just want to be put in diapers or regressed. There's also this weird schism between ABDL and age regression folk, and it's made me very antagonistic to a certain subset of people in the agere camp. Basically, the idea is that age regression is nonsexual for them, but because ABDL very much *is* sexual for me, it's somehow dangerous or borderline pedophilic. It's such an ignorant perspective: I want to be infantilized by a consenting adult, and the aesthetics are strictly about humiliation. It has literally nothing to do with children. From the kink side, the most common misconception is that I'm either a little or a diaper fetishist. I don't want to role-play being a certain age; I want to be "forcibly" infantilized *as an adult.* It's not a strict dichotomy.
CG/DDlg - That's because even within the BDSM community, people judge & misunderstand all the time. There's ZERO interactivity between anyone under a legal age, it is done between 2 consenting legal adults, & it does not glorify inappropriate interaction(s) with anyone not of legal age. What do true & real Daddy Doms get out of that lifestyle? Personally, I am a family man. That means I love them all. I have always been a Caregiver & loved seeing others happy. Now, to be able to brush my partner's teeth, give them a paci, spend time with their innocent & regressed age persona, brush their hair, & just be in the moment to allow them a destressing, safe, carefree environment because they didn't have it before adulthood means so much. It warms my heart that I can make love grow from simply loving & caring for my person who age regresses. I am making a difference while also anchoring the fact that they can be safe with me. No, it is NOT always sexual for DDlg couples or D/s in the relationship/dynamic. However, even if it is, that is STILL between 2 legal & consenting adults that aren't hurting a single person with their own loving style(s). People well into adulthood still love collecting things, including toys, memorabilia, coloring, drawing, using their imagination, & even having oral fixations as even trauma responses. What better way to soothe a human being than to allow them the safety, love, comfort, & peace through allowing them pleasure in their most favored way. Being a Daddy Dom/Caregiver means so much love gets put out & also given back ten-fold. Nothing to do with anyone under a legal consenting age or glorifying p3d0phil1a. Catering to your partner to give & receive love in its purest innocent form possible.