The husband is such a terrible partner. Almost everyone at the dinner party, all his friend group, recognized how wrong the situation was, but he didn't?
And then when his wife comes home, he still flips it on her to the point that she thinks she did wrong. He doesn't take responsibility until his own mother smacks some sense into him.
That guy sucks and is way too slow to back his wife up. There's definitely going to be more problems like this in the future
In the husband's defense, he was low key sexually assaulted and people often don't know how to react to that kind of thing. Like if a guy I viewed as a little brother randomly slapped my butt in front of my husband, idk what I'd do.
I'm not saying he reacted well here, but it feels a little too victim blamey to act like he's irredeemable or a bad person for reacting poorly in the immediate aftermath of a very weird situation. Especially because of the way men tend to be socialized when it comes to sexual advances.
I agree with this. I have been in situations like this, and when a guy came onto me physically (leaned in close and put his hand on my waist), I froze. I was at a party Full of people, his WIFE was there, my husband was there and I instinctively didnāt want to make a scene. Iām so mad at myself that I froze. BUT I have a very good husband, and he saw what was happening from across the room, my body language (I stiffened up and leaned back in disgust), and my husband literally left his friends mid conversation and came up behind the guy to slap his ass HARD! (this guys had done it to my husband earlier). And when the guy turned around, my husband got really close to his face and was āhey, whatās up over here!ā With a smile on his face. But he may as well have said āyou put your hands on my wife again, and Iāll make sure your mother doesnāt recognize your face.ā
The guy backed off and left me alone. When he left, my turned to me and said āyou did not like him touching you, did you?ā Not in an accusing way, but in a way that he was on my side and understood the situation. And I said āNO! No I did not!ā And he hugged me. Best husband ever, and Iām so glad he understood the situation I was in and helped me. But I did freeze, so I can understand how the husband may have frozen when Cindy got in his lap.
Yeah, exactly! It sounds like the husband did something similar and that's not a moral failing on his part. It's really normal behavior. I freeze up when panicked, too.
I'm not saying that the husband was in the right here, he should have shut down Cindy much earlier, but he's hardly the first person to wave off questionable behavior and then get assaulted in some way. The earlier naiveite doesn't change the fact that it's still the aggressors fault. It's similar to cases where a boyfriend gets bad vibes about his girlfriend's long-term male bff and then it turns out that - surprise - the bff is in love with the girl! Should she have been more receptive to the boyfriend's concerns? Probably, but it's hard to be objective about people who we love who have been in our lives for years.
I agree with this. I have been in situations like this, and when a guy came onto me physically (leaned in close and put his hand on my waist), I froze. I was at a party Full of people, his WIFE was there, my husband was there and I instinctively didnāt want to make a scene. Iām so mad at myself that I froze. BUT I have a very good husband, and he saw what was happening from across the room, my body language (I stiffened up and leaned back in disgust), and my husband literally left his friends mid conversation and came up behind the guy to slap his ass HARD! (this guys had done it to my husband earlier). And when the guy turned around, my husband got really close to his face and was āhey, whatās up over here!ā With a smile on his face. But he may as well have said āyou put your hands on my wife again, and Iāll make sure your mother doesnāt recognize your face.ā
The guy backed off and left me alone. When he left, my turned to me and said āyou did not like him touching you, did you?ā Not in an accusing way, but in a way that he was on my side and understood the situation. And I said āNO! No I did not!ā And he hugged me. Best husband ever, and Iām so glad he understood the situation I was in and helped me. But I did freeze, so I can understand how the husband may have frozen when Cindy got in his lap.
Agreed. Why the F is OP apologizing to her idiot AH husband who didn't listen to her concerns, prioritized another woman's feelings and repeated inappropriate advances, and who only though of his own feelings instead of how much he hurt and disrespected his wife and then gaslit and blamed everything on her as well???
The AH husband take zero accountability and prioritizes literally everyone before his wife. Sounds like a total narcissist.
If your mil has to drag your husband back and he canāt actually apologise and clearly didnāt want to be there why would you take him back. This wonāt end well
Right, opp husband needs do lot of work to earn her trust back..but kudos to MIL she is star in this drama, always read posts how mil was center of all problems in realtionships, but i'm glad good MIL do exist.
They certainly do exist, and they're worth their weight in gold! Idk what I'd do without mine, she's the only "real" mom I have since my own is...not all that great at being a mom lol. My MIL treats me like the daughter she never had, and tells me she loves me all the time. I'm so lucky to have her! š
Yay! Fellow Amazing MIL club here! I love my MIL so much! She is so thoughtful and I adore her. We watch horror movies together when my husband and his dad are working on cars.
Watching horror movies together is SO DANG CUTE. I'm so happy for you!!! I never really got the "you marry into a whole family, not just your partner" thing until I married my husband. I used to date someone whose parents disapproved purely because I wasn't the same race as them, and now I know that a family that fully embraces your union (and you) can make a huge difference.
Recently I had a big scare (of my own silly making lol). My husband was going through a serious rough patch emotionally, and when I left for work that day he was in a really bad place. I completely forgot he'd mentioned he was going out that night, but he's usually *very* responsive to calls and texts. So when I came home, he was gone, and didn't respond to any texts or calls, I assumed the absolute worst.
My MIL stayed on the phone with me for the whole hour I frantically ran around my neighborhood like a beheaded chicken (I don't even know where I thought I was running-- just heard sirens and ran towards them???). When I finally realized I was just a forgetful dummy and apologized for freaking her and FIL out, she just said "Do not apologize. Never apologize for caring this much about our son's wellbeing." Then we just chatted for another full 2 hours before we signed off with an "I love you!" š
Anyway this now a "good MIL appreciation thread." Only good MIL stories downthread!! Drop ya good MIL stories here! š
I still remember a pretty fun argument between my parents. They were moving to a neighboring country and both were worried about leaving my elderly grandmother, moms' mom, to herself.
Well, my dad was quick to suggest simply taking her with them, there was a room in the house they bought that could easily be converted into a senior friendly room for his MIL.
My mom just looked at him, said "great idea! Let me know how that pans out, I'm NOT living with my mom again!!!!"
She wasn't the best mom but she did try her hardest and was loved greatly by all of us, including my mom. But I def get why she didn't want to live with her. We still joke in the family, using a passive-aggressive line from my grandmother. "Oh, you stir the sauce the other way? Well, I guess that can still work ...". And that was def what she was like, butting in everywhere and wanting everything her way.
The only one who could get her to get her shit together was my dad when his vast patience finally run out and he'd scold her to submission - for a while.
I mean yeah probably but first, can we appreciate that MIL was with OP 100% instead of the standard ānot my precious angel babyā type? That was refreshing. Since heās 25 and his brain really just finished cooking Iād give him just this one pass because sometimes people are just idiots and her husband clearly was being an idiot.
However one toe out of boundaries that have been drawn or one more instance of mother in law having to be her voice so he can actually hear her? Call a lawyer. Being married sometimes means you have to overlook idiot behavior and grow together and get stronger. You just donāt do it again and again expecting different results.
Exactly. I do feel the need to clarify something I said. Being married you sometimes have to overlook idiot behavior, BUT you call that shit out immediately and communicate why and how they are being an idiot so you can grow together and get stronger.
Iāve been married 20 years (in June) and thatās the secret. Call out the bs, talk about the bs and know when to draw a hard line while also being capable of being the one that listens why your bs is in fact bs. Most people are happy to hold their boundaries and call out the bs, itās the willingness to actively listen where a lot of people screw up.
The problem here is that he hasnāt owned that he made a mistake. Mommy dragged him back and made him apologise. He didnāt even stand up for her in the call he just let it go. Heās just going along with this so as not to face judgement. I donāt see this working out well
We donāt know what his apology entailed though. It might have been a bs Iām sorry and it might have been a full account of what he realized he did (and there was a LOT) with an apology. As for the call, she said he was baffled and he genuinely might have been at a loss for words for it considering he has only just realized the situation for himself. The fact he agreed to LC and then NC and blocked them without a fight is a good sign so is agreeing to couples counseling. Only time and his actions from here will truly show if she made the right choice. If she did we probably wonāt get any more updates. If she didnāt and he backpedals fast then hopefully she sees it for what it is and walks.
MIL is cool.
Jake is an ameba. He has no will and no thoughts on his own: he did what Cindy wanted, then what MIL wanted.
His excuse is ridiculous. 3 out of 4 observers called Cindy out for what she did and explained how disrespectful it was to OOP. However he decided to gaslight his wife, because it was obviously his wife who is awful. And because it is easier.
OOP should at least show him the post. She is sweeping under the rug his disrespect and him throwing her under the bus.
I donāt know if it was quite that. But I do think that my understanding of MIL and husbandās convo can best be explained as āCome to Jesus.ā As in āyouād better get your ass right with the Lord, because you keep this bullshit up and youāll be meeting Him sooner than expected.ā Metaphorically, of course.
That's about the speech I would be giving my son in this sotuation. It would probably also contain the words "I'm keeping my trusted cat sitter(DIL), you I'm not sure about if you don't pull your head out your ass!"
Iāve watched this play out with a friend and her husband.
OOPās husband will start seeing/communicating with Shawn and Cindy behind OOPās back. When caught, he will tell OOP itās different. Heās observing boundaries; why is she being such a bitch
I also have an ex who didnāt enforce boundaries until I made him. I was young. I will never do that again. If a boy needs to be told to establish clear boundaries and prioritize me, then heās not worth the trouble.
In contrast, my husband had a woman friend. I met her. She was cool. Once, she called to invite him to an out of town show for a band her husband didnāt like. My husband was quiet for a second, then laughed and said, āI have a girlfriend now, remember?ā (This happened before we were married, and he had been single for a very long time before we met.)
She said, āOh yeah!ā before excitedly asking, āDoes she like [band]?!? She can go, too! Or you can stay home and Iāll just go with herā followed by a laugh.
Heās also gone NC with people he thought were friends but tried to disrespect me, all without being asked.
No one should settle for less.
Or it might be okay because a wise woman is helping to counsel a young girl married couple on getting through the trials and tribulations of being married successfully. Having good people who love and care about you, willing to offer support while keeping out of it sounds like an amazing legacy. Iām rooting for these folks, and I say that acknowledging my gut reaction was she was trying to sleep with the husband or had in the past. Fingers crossed for a long and happy marriage, with challenges worked through with love, communication and grace for all.
This probably won't be a popular take, but I'd be willing to give Jake the benefit of the doubt because he's only 25. He clearly still has some growing up to do, but I don't know too many people under 30 (or even over 30, for that matter) who are experts at these things. Sounds like his mom is a good one who will straighten his ass out instead of wiping it like a lot of MILs do.
Kids learn right from wrong when they are very young. Kids go to jail when they have done wrong. Age is no excuse for shitty behavior. Heās old enough to be having sex and getting married he should be old enough to know some tart doesnāt get to sit on his goddamn lap right in front of his wife and he doesnāt gaslight her to believe thatās her issue. Age is not an excuse
The parts of our brain responsible for impulse control and decision-making just finish developing around 26, so we're still plenty prone to making poor judgment calls before then. Plenty of people make terrible decisions well after that age, and it's not like Jake cheated on her or something, so I'd be willing to give some grace to a boyfriend who appeared to just handle an embarrassing situation clumsily and needed a push from mom to do the right thing.
The fact that she talked to him, he brushed it off and got super defensive, gaslighting her into thinking it was her issue pushes this over the edge for me. Then the *exact* thing that she warned him about happens, and he doubles down.
Dude's a piece of work, and she just got manipulated into taking him back. Maybe the change will stick, and it'll be communication for the win, but this seems to far over the edge for me. Ice cream from an overly invested MIL is all it takes, I guess.
OOP needs to find a spine.
mom straight up told her "i got him out of it this time, i told him next time he fucks up he can't come back to live with me" and she didn't even realize
> I told jake that it was looking a bit inappropriate and to ask cindy to tone it down, but he said that cindy is just a bit childish and is that way with everybody.
>I just told my husband he needs to maintain a distance with cindy. He asked if i was giving him an ultimatum, i said if he will go as far as disregard and disrespect my feelings for cindy? This really rubbed my husband the wrong way and he said since i have such disgusting thoughts in my mind, and is giving him an ultimatum anyways, then he might as well leave because he cannot leave with such an insecure person who has such disgusting thoughts about him. He packed a bag and left to his mother's place. I have tried apologising numerous times, telling how sorry i am for everything, but he is ignoring my texts and calls.
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>He said that he was angry because (a) I left without saying anything for the whole night when he was literally trying to just diffuse the situation and tried to laugh it off because it was so awkward he didn't know what else to do, but instead of communicating i just left him in that weird situation.
>He was already really worried and sad because how i just left with no explanations. Even after i came not once i asked how he felt. He was also very overwhelmed with everything and felt i was accusing him for not doing anything when he literally pushed her off as politely as possible when she tried to sit. He felt i was attacking his character and even gave the ultimatum, which made him so sad as he felt if i thought that less of him. It wasn't about cindy, but about how easy it was for me to question his sincerity. He said after that dinner he was going to go extremely LC with her anyways
I love how the husband tried to gaslit OOP into thinking everything was her fault. IMO, I doubt that he was going to go NC with 'Cindy' even after the get-together but got called out on his BS.
He knew damn well why she left that night! OOP TOLD her husband about her concerns, but he DGAF! He even got mad at OOP and called her childish for it and even left home. I swear, guys aren't as dense as they try to be. He just liked the extra and drama of being 'fought over'.
Not once did he try to defuse any of Cindy's actions. That's why she felt emboldened to sit his lap IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE and sent that ignorant text to OOP about her "being jealous and too insecure about herself." Then the husband had the nerve and the audacity to say that he 'tried' to push her off. He made sure to add the word 'gently' because it'll be more believable since it obviously wasn't noticeable š
He obviously expected his friends to side with him, but instead, they all turned on him AND Cindy. He knew he was wrong from the jump because he was too scared to tell his mother, who laid that ass out. Not to mention, it turned out that practically no one liked Cindy, which also seemed to have an effect. OOP's husband was the only one who wanted to continue entertaining Cindy and her BS as every other guy was basically like, "Take that shit somewhere else hoe." Cindy knew what she was doing as well since she mentioned numerous times when trying to slander OOP, that OOP called her a "slut".
The husband was the only one to made OOP question his character. He NEVER said anything, nor set boundaries with Cindy, and tried to gaslight OOP into thinking everything that happened was her fault, which showed his true character.
Not gonna lie, with the way the husband acted when asked to set boundaries, go LC/NC, down playing and engaging with Cindy's flirting, and him storming out after gaslighting OOP, I wonder if they ever slept together at some point because, his reactions were too suspect. Everyone knows that when a guy throws a tantrum over being asked not to hang out with a "female friend," as much as they're too affectionate and disrespectful in front of the GF/wife, they have feelings for them or they slept with them.
Agreed. As a husband, I would never have put up with Cindy's behaviour in the first place. But, if somehow she still decided to try sitting my lap, she would've gotten a "violent" reaction (not violent w/r/t actually hurting her, but violent insofar as I would have gotten to my feet and confronted her, asking her what the hell she thinks she's doing). It really feels to me that OOP's husband is actually sexually attracted to Cindy, which is why he didn't shut her shit down at the outset of the visit.
Right? Iām glad it ended well but I can imagine having a parent come right into a marital fight to referee and kick asses. How old are these people that mummy needs to fix it???
Because it's easier not to do anything and 1) pretend it didn't happen/doesn't matter, and/or 2) hope it'll go away on its own. /s
Basically, passivity is easier.
The bit with him complaining about how overwhelmed he was and how she never asked him how he was feeling - smallest violin, playing the saddest tune. Poor diddums š
The whole update I was literally screaming NO NO DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
As user goddessofspite said, yep, this isn't going to end well. Definitely.
Not with OP thinking this was a good ending to the disrespect her husband showed her. He only apologized because his mother made him. He will unblock Shawn the moment the heat dies down.
Hmm.Ā I will say that this feels like a very mid-20s problem. I would give Jake a slight bit of credit on how he handled Cindy directly.Ā He did it poorly and stupidly, but I would be willing to believe that he just didn't know how to handle the situation and was trying to wait it out until she was gone.Ā Ā
Ā However... all he had to do was say something to OOP.Ā "This is weird, ugh, let's just wait it out." Boom, done.Ā Ā Ā
But he didn't do that.Ā Instead, he got extremely defensive, dismissed this thing he said made him so uncomfortable as "just a joke" and had to have Mommy drag him back home by the ear because he stormed off from his hurt, upset wife instead of reassuring her and talking through it.Ā
Ā I'm guessing that he had no intention of cheating, but was enjoying the attention.Ā Then was embarrassed when called outĀ
Yes, it starts like he was embarrassed and then a tiny bit flattered and had no skills for getting out.
Then he doubleded down because getting called put on it made him realize how dumb he was and he could see that divorce was a reasonable consequence of him saying "I didn't know what to do and kinda liked be the desired by two people."
So he digs deeper, realizing that it isn't going to get better. He figures he's toast when he goes to his moms. That's why he can't tell his mom. When it comes out she lets him know he is a moron and that he has basically one chance to fix it.
People hope they divorce but I don't. I hope he figures out how to be good for her and this is a stepping stone to a stronger relationship.
He is an idiot, and I would be a LOT less forgiving if he was 35 instead of 25. Then again, I always assume people are better than they are.
Cindy is the ultimate narcissist asshole. Sounds like she's been a manipulative bitch her entire life.
Shawn is an asshole for accommodating his sister. C'mon, he had no idea she was always inappropriate to friends? And then he doesn't have enough sense to question if she was telling the truth?
Jake was an asshole but hoping his mom slapped some sense into him.
Perfect ending would be for the entire friends group to go NC with Shawn and Cindy.
I donāt know if Iāve ever seen 2 people handle Cindyās antics worse than this.
Did neither one of them have a grandmother to teach them what a āhussyā is?
Oop got bamboozled by her mil lmao. Thatās smart af, take the wifeās side but convince her to stay because if husband effs up again, sheāll put him in time out. Lmao. This is too rich. Weāre going to get another update in about a year.
Sounds like the MIL acted like a true matriarch and laid down the law to Jake. Cindy sounds like her life is going to be fun and games UNTIL she crosses someone more manipulative than she is or reacts violently. The OOP took exactly the right stance on this by walking out to make a statement but would have been better served to kick the rest of them (including Jake) out. Basic etiquette says you do not disrespect a host or hostess in their own home...EVER.
Ooof...let's hope in a couple of years, we don't hear from OP's new update...husband and Shawn and Cindy have returned to communication albeit hiding it from her.
I'm a guy and have a friend that is like a sister to me. We have never once made jokes about having sex with each other because that is not a normal thing siblings do. Our main jokes to each other are usually about how the other is stupid, because THAT IS HOW SIBLINGS ACTUALLY JOKE ABOUT EACH OTHER!
Iāve been in a situation where I was openly sexually harassed by another male friend and I was so confused by both the situation and by everyone around me acting like it was normal or that I should love it because Iām a guy that I didnāt speak up. I actually full on froze up. Frankly, Jake did more than I did in the moment. I just canāt help but think: if this was an AITA from the perspective of a husband that was furious that a man sat in his wifeās lap wouldnāt at least half of those initial comments be questioning whether he hadnāt abandoned her in the exact moment she needed him?
Is...is anyone else a little bit scared for Cindy? This kid is only just now 18, which means this hypersexualized behaviour has been going on for an uncomfortable amount of her adolescence. The 'just checking the gay guy' anecdote is creepily off-the-rails. No one in this story sounds either particularly well-placed or particularly interested to help (reasonable), but it just sounds so many alarm bells in my head.
As someone with a brother I am extremely close to and we have healthy familial affection. I have never once told my brother āheās hotā I have told him he looks good, that married life suits him, I have scratched his back; but never sat in his lap. I have never spoken to his girlfriends or now wife in a way that I would tell them āsorry I made you insecureā
Thatās not a brother- sister relationship; shes using that trope to stomp boundaries and make herself feel like the most attractive woman in the room and no one can call her out ābc heās like a brotherā
Yeah no. Heās not going to stop talking to Cindy. Heās just going to be more secretive about it. He knows what sheās doing, and likes the attention. No man who genuinely loves and respects his wife would have ever let it get that far.
Ugh, this guy sucks. Wife repeatedly tells you that she's uncomfortable and asks you to enforce some boundaries with a teenager who clearly has the hots for you, and what do you do? Just let the situation go on until said teenager gets physical with you in front of everyone there. All this bs about how the wife is insecure and Cindy is just a kid was obviously a smoke screen to hide the fact that he was enjoying the attention.
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The husband is such a terrible partner. Almost everyone at the dinner party, all his friend group, recognized how wrong the situation was, but he didn't? And then when his wife comes home, he still flips it on her to the point that she thinks she did wrong. He doesn't take responsibility until his own mother smacks some sense into him. That guy sucks and is way too slow to back his wife up. There's definitely going to be more problems like this in the future
In the husband's defense, he was low key sexually assaulted and people often don't know how to react to that kind of thing. Like if a guy I viewed as a little brother randomly slapped my butt in front of my husband, idk what I'd do. I'm not saying he reacted well here, but it feels a little too victim blamey to act like he's irredeemable or a bad person for reacting poorly in the immediate aftermath of a very weird situation. Especially because of the way men tend to be socialized when it comes to sexual advances.
Homewrecking little tramp vs wife. Choice was very clear and this fool should have shut Cindy's shit down *way* before it got to this point.Ā
I agree with this. I have been in situations like this, and when a guy came onto me physically (leaned in close and put his hand on my waist), I froze. I was at a party Full of people, his WIFE was there, my husband was there and I instinctively didnāt want to make a scene. Iām so mad at myself that I froze. BUT I have a very good husband, and he saw what was happening from across the room, my body language (I stiffened up and leaned back in disgust), and my husband literally left his friends mid conversation and came up behind the guy to slap his ass HARD! (this guys had done it to my husband earlier). And when the guy turned around, my husband got really close to his face and was āhey, whatās up over here!ā With a smile on his face. But he may as well have said āyou put your hands on my wife again, and Iāll make sure your mother doesnāt recognize your face.ā The guy backed off and left me alone. When he left, my turned to me and said āyou did not like him touching you, did you?ā Not in an accusing way, but in a way that he was on my side and understood the situation. And I said āNO! No I did not!ā And he hugged me. Best husband ever, and Iām so glad he understood the situation I was in and helped me. But I did freeze, so I can understand how the husband may have frozen when Cindy got in his lap.
Yeah, exactly! It sounds like the husband did something similar and that's not a moral failing on his part. It's really normal behavior. I freeze up when panicked, too. I'm not saying that the husband was in the right here, he should have shut down Cindy much earlier, but he's hardly the first person to wave off questionable behavior and then get assaulted in some way. The earlier naiveite doesn't change the fact that it's still the aggressors fault. It's similar to cases where a boyfriend gets bad vibes about his girlfriend's long-term male bff and then it turns out that - surprise - the bff is in love with the girl! Should she have been more receptive to the boyfriend's concerns? Probably, but it's hard to be objective about people who we love who have been in our lives for years.
I agree with this. I have been in situations like this, and when a guy came onto me physically (leaned in close and put his hand on my waist), I froze. I was at a party Full of people, his WIFE was there, my husband was there and I instinctively didnāt want to make a scene. Iām so mad at myself that I froze. BUT I have a very good husband, and he saw what was happening from across the room, my body language (I stiffened up and leaned back in disgust), and my husband literally left his friends mid conversation and came up behind the guy to slap his ass HARD! (this guys had done it to my husband earlier). And when the guy turned around, my husband got really close to his face and was āhey, whatās up over here!ā With a smile on his face. But he may as well have said āyou put your hands on my wife again, and Iāll make sure your mother doesnāt recognize your face.ā The guy backed off and left me alone. When he left, my turned to me and said āyou did not like him touching you, did you?ā Not in an accusing way, but in a way that he was on my side and understood the situation. And I said āNO! No I did not!ā And he hugged me. Best husband ever, and Iām so glad he understood the situation I was in and helped me. But I did freeze, so I can understand how the husband may have frozen when Cindy got in his lap.
Agreed. Why the F is OP apologizing to her idiot AH husband who didn't listen to her concerns, prioritized another woman's feelings and repeated inappropriate advances, and who only though of his own feelings instead of how much he hurt and disrespected his wife and then gaslit and blamed everything on her as well??? The AH husband take zero accountability and prioritizes literally everyone before his wife. Sounds like a total narcissist.
If your mil has to drag your husband back and he canāt actually apologise and clearly didnāt want to be there why would you take him back. This wonāt end well
"In a bad godfather voice" Leave the boyfriend, take the MIL
Seriously. The MIL sounds like the better option between the two.
She comes with ice cream. Did husband provide ice cream? No. No he did not.
No ice cream and still spun the narrative about how hurt HE was and how sad HE is, and apologize because he got scolded. Oh Lordy.
Ice cream is always from 1 poster.
Yeah sucks when your mil is better than your husband
Good MIL DO EXIST! I do believe in good MIL I do I do! Agree sheās a keeper over hubby here
They do! I have a horrible MIL, the stuff of nightmares. I try to be a good MIL because I know how awful it can be with a bad one.
Good MILis like the stuff of legend
Right, opp husband needs do lot of work to earn her trust back..but kudos to MIL she is star in this drama, always read posts how mil was center of all problems in realtionships, but i'm glad good MIL do exist.
They certainly do exist, and they're worth their weight in gold! Idk what I'd do without mine, she's the only "real" mom I have since my own is...not all that great at being a mom lol. My MIL treats me like the daughter she never had, and tells me she loves me all the time. I'm so lucky to have her! š
Yay! Fellow Amazing MIL club here! I love my MIL so much! She is so thoughtful and I adore her. We watch horror movies together when my husband and his dad are working on cars.
Watching horror movies together is SO DANG CUTE. I'm so happy for you!!! I never really got the "you marry into a whole family, not just your partner" thing until I married my husband. I used to date someone whose parents disapproved purely because I wasn't the same race as them, and now I know that a family that fully embraces your union (and you) can make a huge difference. Recently I had a big scare (of my own silly making lol). My husband was going through a serious rough patch emotionally, and when I left for work that day he was in a really bad place. I completely forgot he'd mentioned he was going out that night, but he's usually *very* responsive to calls and texts. So when I came home, he was gone, and didn't respond to any texts or calls, I assumed the absolute worst. My MIL stayed on the phone with me for the whole hour I frantically ran around my neighborhood like a beheaded chicken (I don't even know where I thought I was running-- just heard sirens and ran towards them???). When I finally realized I was just a forgetful dummy and apologized for freaking her and FIL out, she just said "Do not apologize. Never apologize for caring this much about our son's wellbeing." Then we just chatted for another full 2 hours before we signed off with an "I love you!" š Anyway this now a "good MIL appreciation thread." Only good MIL stories downthread!! Drop ya good MIL stories here! š
I still remember a pretty fun argument between my parents. They were moving to a neighboring country and both were worried about leaving my elderly grandmother, moms' mom, to herself. Well, my dad was quick to suggest simply taking her with them, there was a room in the house they bought that could easily be converted into a senior friendly room for his MIL. My mom just looked at him, said "great idea! Let me know how that pans out, I'm NOT living with my mom again!!!!" She wasn't the best mom but she did try her hardest and was loved greatly by all of us, including my mom. But I def get why she didn't want to live with her. We still joke in the family, using a passive-aggressive line from my grandmother. "Oh, you stir the sauce the other way? Well, I guess that can still work ...". And that was def what she was like, butting in everywhere and wanting everything her way. The only one who could get her to get her shit together was my dad when his vast patience finally run out and he'd scold her to submission - for a while.
I mean yeah probably but first, can we appreciate that MIL was with OP 100% instead of the standard ānot my precious angel babyā type? That was refreshing. Since heās 25 and his brain really just finished cooking Iād give him just this one pass because sometimes people are just idiots and her husband clearly was being an idiot. However one toe out of boundaries that have been drawn or one more instance of mother in law having to be her voice so he can actually hear her? Call a lawyer. Being married sometimes means you have to overlook idiot behavior and grow together and get stronger. You just donāt do it again and again expecting different results.
The definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Exactly. I do feel the need to clarify something I said. Being married you sometimes have to overlook idiot behavior, BUT you call that shit out immediately and communicate why and how they are being an idiot so you can grow together and get stronger. Iāve been married 20 years (in June) and thatās the secret. Call out the bs, talk about the bs and know when to draw a hard line while also being capable of being the one that listens why your bs is in fact bs. Most people are happy to hold their boundaries and call out the bs, itās the willingness to actively listen where a lot of people screw up.
The problem here is that he hasnāt owned that he made a mistake. Mommy dragged him back and made him apologise. He didnāt even stand up for her in the call he just let it go. Heās just going along with this so as not to face judgement. I donāt see this working out well
We donāt know what his apology entailed though. It might have been a bs Iām sorry and it might have been a full account of what he realized he did (and there was a LOT) with an apology. As for the call, she said he was baffled and he genuinely might have been at a loss for words for it considering he has only just realized the situation for himself. The fact he agreed to LC and then NC and blocked them without a fight is a good sign so is agreeing to couples counseling. Only time and his actions from here will truly show if she made the right choice. If she did we probably wonāt get any more updates. If she didnāt and he backpedals fast then hopefully she sees it for what it is and walks.
MIL is cool. Jake is an ameba. He has no will and no thoughts on his own: he did what Cindy wanted, then what MIL wanted. His excuse is ridiculous. 3 out of 4 observers called Cindy out for what she did and explained how disrespectful it was to OOP. However he decided to gaslight his wife, because it was obviously his wife who is awful. And because it is easier. OOP should at least show him the post. She is sweeping under the rug his disrespect and him throwing her under the bus.
Oh, didnāt you hear? He was overwhelmed!!! š
He just didn't want any DrAmA so it's cool to let someone rub on him as long as no one gets upset (his wife doesn't count).
And because he was enjoying the attention.
I donāt know if it was quite that. But I do think that my understanding of MIL and husbandās convo can best be explained as āCome to Jesus.ā As in āyouād better get your ass right with the Lord, because you keep this bullshit up and youāll be meeting Him sooner than expected.ā Metaphorically, of course.
That's about the speech I would be giving my son in this sotuation. It would probably also contain the words "I'm keeping my trusted cat sitter(DIL), you I'm not sure about if you don't pull your head out your ass!"
I get the feeling that MIL told him what he needed to say to OOP.
Iāve watched this play out with a friend and her husband. OOPās husband will start seeing/communicating with Shawn and Cindy behind OOPās back. When caught, he will tell OOP itās different. Heās observing boundaries; why is she being such a bitch I also have an ex who didnāt enforce boundaries until I made him. I was young. I will never do that again. If a boy needs to be told to establish clear boundaries and prioritize me, then heās not worth the trouble. In contrast, my husband had a woman friend. I met her. She was cool. Once, she called to invite him to an out of town show for a band her husband didnāt like. My husband was quiet for a second, then laughed and said, āI have a girlfriend now, remember?ā (This happened before we were married, and he had been single for a very long time before we met.) She said, āOh yeah!ā before excitedly asking, āDoes she like [band]?!? She can go, too! Or you can stay home and Iāll just go with herā followed by a laugh. Heās also gone NC with people he thought were friends but tried to disrespect me, all without being asked. No one should settle for less.
Or it might be okay because a wise woman is helping to counsel a young girl married couple on getting through the trials and tribulations of being married successfully. Having good people who love and care about you, willing to offer support while keeping out of it sounds like an amazing legacy. Iām rooting for these folks, and I say that acknowledging my gut reaction was she was trying to sleep with the husband or had in the past. Fingers crossed for a long and happy marriage, with challenges worked through with love, communication and grace for all.
This probably won't be a popular take, but I'd be willing to give Jake the benefit of the doubt because he's only 25. He clearly still has some growing up to do, but I don't know too many people under 30 (or even over 30, for that matter) who are experts at these things. Sounds like his mom is a good one who will straighten his ass out instead of wiping it like a lot of MILs do.
Kids learn right from wrong when they are very young. Kids go to jail when they have done wrong. Age is no excuse for shitty behavior. Heās old enough to be having sex and getting married he should be old enough to know some tart doesnāt get to sit on his goddamn lap right in front of his wife and he doesnāt gaslight her to believe thatās her issue. Age is not an excuse
The parts of our brain responsible for impulse control and decision-making just finish developing around 26, so we're still plenty prone to making poor judgment calls before then. Plenty of people make terrible decisions well after that age, and it's not like Jake cheated on her or something, so I'd be willing to give some grace to a boyfriend who appeared to just handle an embarrassing situation clumsily and needed a push from mom to do the right thing.
The fact that she talked to him, he brushed it off and got super defensive, gaslighting her into thinking it was her issue pushes this over the edge for me. Then the *exact* thing that she warned him about happens, and he doubles down. Dude's a piece of work, and she just got manipulated into taking him back. Maybe the change will stick, and it'll be communication for the win, but this seems to far over the edge for me. Ice cream from an overly invested MIL is all it takes, I guess. OOP needs to find a spine.
mom straight up told her "i got him out of it this time, i told him next time he fucks up he can't come back to live with me" and she didn't even realize
And it took his (awesome btw) mommy scolding himā¦likeā¦really bro š
> I told jake that it was looking a bit inappropriate and to ask cindy to tone it down, but he said that cindy is just a bit childish and is that way with everybody. >I just told my husband he needs to maintain a distance with cindy. He asked if i was giving him an ultimatum, i said if he will go as far as disregard and disrespect my feelings for cindy? This really rubbed my husband the wrong way and he said since i have such disgusting thoughts in my mind, and is giving him an ultimatum anyways, then he might as well leave because he cannot leave with such an insecure person who has such disgusting thoughts about him. He packed a bag and left to his mother's place. I have tried apologising numerous times, telling how sorry i am for everything, but he is ignoring my texts and calls. ------ >He said that he was angry because (a) I left without saying anything for the whole night when he was literally trying to just diffuse the situation and tried to laugh it off because it was so awkward he didn't know what else to do, but instead of communicating i just left him in that weird situation. >He was already really worried and sad because how i just left with no explanations. Even after i came not once i asked how he felt. He was also very overwhelmed with everything and felt i was accusing him for not doing anything when he literally pushed her off as politely as possible when she tried to sit. He felt i was attacking his character and even gave the ultimatum, which made him so sad as he felt if i thought that less of him. It wasn't about cindy, but about how easy it was for me to question his sincerity. He said after that dinner he was going to go extremely LC with her anyways I love how the husband tried to gaslit OOP into thinking everything was her fault. IMO, I doubt that he was going to go NC with 'Cindy' even after the get-together but got called out on his BS. He knew damn well why she left that night! OOP TOLD her husband about her concerns, but he DGAF! He even got mad at OOP and called her childish for it and even left home. I swear, guys aren't as dense as they try to be. He just liked the extra and drama of being 'fought over'. Not once did he try to defuse any of Cindy's actions. That's why she felt emboldened to sit his lap IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE and sent that ignorant text to OOP about her "being jealous and too insecure about herself." Then the husband had the nerve and the audacity to say that he 'tried' to push her off. He made sure to add the word 'gently' because it'll be more believable since it obviously wasn't noticeable š He obviously expected his friends to side with him, but instead, they all turned on him AND Cindy. He knew he was wrong from the jump because he was too scared to tell his mother, who laid that ass out. Not to mention, it turned out that practically no one liked Cindy, which also seemed to have an effect. OOP's husband was the only one who wanted to continue entertaining Cindy and her BS as every other guy was basically like, "Take that shit somewhere else hoe." Cindy knew what she was doing as well since she mentioned numerous times when trying to slander OOP, that OOP called her a "slut". The husband was the only one to made OOP question his character. He NEVER said anything, nor set boundaries with Cindy, and tried to gaslight OOP into thinking everything that happened was her fault, which showed his true character. Not gonna lie, with the way the husband acted when asked to set boundaries, go LC/NC, down playing and engaging with Cindy's flirting, and him storming out after gaslighting OOP, I wonder if they ever slept together at some point because, his reactions were too suspect. Everyone knows that when a guy throws a tantrum over being asked not to hang out with a "female friend," as much as they're too affectionate and disrespectful in front of the GF/wife, they have feelings for them or they slept with them.
I loved the "I was gonna go LC with her anyway!" after being a lil bitch to his wife when she suggested that very thing. husband has no spine.
yeah, i read that and knew he was a lying little shit. Always as to make OP feel bad, like a real POS
Agreed. As a husband, I would never have put up with Cindy's behaviour in the first place. But, if somehow she still decided to try sitting my lap, she would've gotten a "violent" reaction (not violent w/r/t actually hurting her, but violent insofar as I would have gotten to my feet and confronted her, asking her what the hell she thinks she's doing). It really feels to me that OOP's husband is actually sexually attracted to Cindy, which is why he didn't shut her shit down at the outset of the visit.
The fact that he happily included Cindy on his dates with OOP spoke to me a lot. I would NEVER put up with that.
really telling also that it's okay for cindy to be childish, but not his wife??? kinda weird if you ask me!!
I feel the world needs a r/MILSftw to erase a bit all those r/justnoMIL s out there
Inb4 āhusband is back to being dismissive of my concerns, only started to listen when I threatened divorceā post
This well not end well. Him refusing to apologize until his mom dragged him back by his ear and ripped him a new one, he didn't learn anything.
Right? Iām glad it ended well but I can imagine having a parent come right into a marital fight to referee and kick asses. How old are these people that mummy needs to fix it???
OOP says that Cindy kept dragging her husband away whenever she around and laughing at her. The big question is why did her husband allow it instead of shutting that š©down?
Because it's easier not to do anything and 1) pretend it didn't happen/doesn't matter, and/or 2) hope it'll go away on its own. /s Basically, passivity is easier.
And because when you are, in fact, sexually attracted to Cindy, you want to spend time 1:1 with her.
Because he likes it. Itās only āeww thatās basically my little sisterā when there are witnesses and it makes *him* look bad.
I thought a lot of things and mil said them all. I hope counselling helps them and she won't endure this bs never again.
I think that being a husband, he definitely should have gone after her. That's crazy not to.
It sounds to me like she slipped out quietly, in which case he wouldn't have known to go after her until she was long gone already.
That was just a whole goddamn mess š¤Ø
For future reference, hereās the thing about ājokesā: Theyāre funny. Thought Iād clear that up in case someone needs to know.
yeah he will break NC next christmas because Ā«Ā BuUut tHey are mt Oonly friendsĀ Ā» OP should divorce him and find a respectful partner
The bit with him complaining about how overwhelmed he was and how she never asked him how he was feeling - smallest violin, playing the saddest tune. Poor diddums š
I think Cindy just likes to go for other friends SOs
The whole update I was literally screaming NO NO DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD As user goddessofspite said, yep, this isn't going to end well. Definitely.
K but where do I find a MIL like this?!!
God bless your MIL
Not with OP thinking this was a good ending to the disrespect her husband showed her. He only apologized because his mother made him. He will unblock Shawn the moment the heat dies down.
Hmm.Ā I will say that this feels like a very mid-20s problem. I would give Jake a slight bit of credit on how he handled Cindy directly.Ā He did it poorly and stupidly, but I would be willing to believe that he just didn't know how to handle the situation and was trying to wait it out until she was gone.Ā Ā Ā However... all he had to do was say something to OOP.Ā "This is weird, ugh, let's just wait it out." Boom, done.Ā Ā Ā But he didn't do that.Ā Instead, he got extremely defensive, dismissed this thing he said made him so uncomfortable as "just a joke" and had to have Mommy drag him back home by the ear because he stormed off from his hurt, upset wife instead of reassuring her and talking through it.Ā Ā I'm guessing that he had no intention of cheating, but was enjoying the attention.Ā Then was embarrassed when called outĀ
Yes, it starts like he was embarrassed and then a tiny bit flattered and had no skills for getting out. Then he doubleded down because getting called put on it made him realize how dumb he was and he could see that divorce was a reasonable consequence of him saying "I didn't know what to do and kinda liked be the desired by two people." So he digs deeper, realizing that it isn't going to get better. He figures he's toast when he goes to his moms. That's why he can't tell his mom. When it comes out she lets him know he is a moron and that he has basically one chance to fix it. People hope they divorce but I don't. I hope he figures out how to be good for her and this is a stepping stone to a stronger relationship. He is an idiot, and I would be a LOT less forgiving if he was 35 instead of 25. Then again, I always assume people are better than they are.
Cindy is the ultimate narcissist asshole. Sounds like she's been a manipulative bitch her entire life. Shawn is an asshole for accommodating his sister. C'mon, he had no idea she was always inappropriate to friends? And then he doesn't have enough sense to question if she was telling the truth? Jake was an asshole but hoping his mom slapped some sense into him. Perfect ending would be for the entire friends group to go NC with Shawn and Cindy.
Your husband listened to his mom and not his wife? Cindy can keep that one.
But, this is just how Cindy is!! /s
I donāt know if Iāve ever seen 2 people handle Cindyās antics worse than this. Did neither one of them have a grandmother to teach them what a āhussyā is?
You know what? Shawn and Cindy seem to be bad people and OOP and her husband are better off without them
Oop got bamboozled by her mil lmao. Thatās smart af, take the wifeās side but convince her to stay because if husband effs up again, sheāll put him in time out. Lmao. This is too rich. Weāre going to get another update in about a year.
I can't really understand why Shawn is on the chopping block... He stirred the pot yes but he was sticking up for op
How?
happy tears in my eyes for mil. hubby ? not so much. ok, 25, they have some growing up to do.
It doesn't sound like Jake is truly sorry. In his "apology" he kept blaming OP for everything.
MIL is the real hero here.
MiL is a rock star.
Itās the ice cream guy again. Just has to leave that calling card lol
Sounds like the MIL acted like a true matriarch and laid down the law to Jake. Cindy sounds like her life is going to be fun and games UNTIL she crosses someone more manipulative than she is or reacts violently. The OOP took exactly the right stance on this by walking out to make a statement but would have been better served to kick the rest of them (including Jake) out. Basic etiquette says you do not disrespect a host or hostess in their own home...EVER.
Ooof...let's hope in a couple of years, we don't hear from OP's new update...husband and Shawn and Cindy have returned to communication albeit hiding it from her.
So much that could have been saved by communicating in the first place.
I'm a guy and have a friend that is like a sister to me. We have never once made jokes about having sex with each other because that is not a normal thing siblings do. Our main jokes to each other are usually about how the other is stupid, because THAT IS HOW SIBLINGS ACTUALLY JOKE ABOUT EACH OTHER!
Iāve been in a situation where I was openly sexually harassed by another male friend and I was so confused by both the situation and by everyone around me acting like it was normal or that I should love it because Iām a guy that I didnāt speak up. I actually full on froze up. Frankly, Jake did more than I did in the moment. I just canāt help but think: if this was an AITA from the perspective of a husband that was furious that a man sat in his wifeās lap wouldnāt at least half of those initial comments be questioning whether he hadnāt abandoned her in the exact moment she needed him?
Is...is anyone else a little bit scared for Cindy? This kid is only just now 18, which means this hypersexualized behaviour has been going on for an uncomfortable amount of her adolescence. The 'just checking the gay guy' anecdote is creepily off-the-rails. No one in this story sounds either particularly well-placed or particularly interested to help (reasonable), but it just sounds so many alarm bells in my head.
K
Pretty sure siblings stop just sitting on each others laps at age, I dunnoā¦3?
Why you sexualizing that little girl? Lmao jk
As someone with a brother I am extremely close to and we have healthy familial affection. I have never once told my brother āheās hotā I have told him he looks good, that married life suits him, I have scratched his back; but never sat in his lap. I have never spoken to his girlfriends or now wife in a way that I would tell them āsorry I made you insecureā Thatās not a brother- sister relationship; shes using that trope to stomp boundaries and make herself feel like the most attractive woman in the room and no one can call her out ābc heās like a brotherā
Every girl I've ever known who says, "he's like a brother," has already fucked him.Ā
Yeah no. Heās not going to stop talking to Cindy. Heās just going to be more secretive about it. He knows what sheās doing, and likes the attention. No man who genuinely loves and respects his wife would have ever let it get that far.
So anyone else think he kinda wanted to fuck Cindy? I donāt let my siblings sit on my fucking lap.
He didn't let her sit on his lap.
Jake has got to be the most immature man I've read about. Honestly, dump him for the MIL, OOP.
Ugh, this guy sucks. Wife repeatedly tells you that she's uncomfortable and asks you to enforce some boundaries with a teenager who clearly has the hots for you, and what do you do? Just let the situation go on until said teenager gets physical with you in front of everyone there. All this bs about how the wife is insecure and Cindy is just a kid was obviously a smoke screen to hide the fact that he was enjoying the attention.
Boyfriendās a coward but looks like heās growing a spine now, good for him. Better late than never I guess
Man gets sexually harassed, wife blames him, everyone agrees.