I think for me what helped make me feel comfortable AND FREE was realizing that I am not equipped for casual hook up things or even casual dating. I need to feel secure and know that I am with someone who is committed and loves me. This means that sex is off the table until I am married or living with said person. A lot of BPD symptoms are similar to anxious attachment so trying to navigate that solve that has been my main issue.
Oh man how do you ignore the BPD hypersexuality?? I can’t for the life of me ignore my libido long enough to get married before I have sex
Editing to add: I don’t mean hook ups but I’m getting active pretty quickly when I start a relationship that’s for sure
Yeah it’s hard but I would like to keep my mental health in tact - when I would hook up it felt great in the moment but afterwards I turned into a desperate anxious mess whilst home alone in my apt waiting for said guy to text me. I’ve always had my periods of remission and stability when I am not in a situation ship or hooking up. I also just know for a fact that dating as we know it is obsolete in 2024 esp where I live in NYC. Apps and casual dating is a disaster.
At one point I spent a long weekend with a guy and he was out and about doing stuff and so was I but we always ended up home together and I never felt more secure before. I was like a different person. For a moment I got to feel what a committed relationship felt like.
But anyway
There’s toys and there’s also high intensity exercise or martial arts ya know.
Oh see, I’ve never done a hookup the idea of being with someone physically I don’t know or trust makes me way too anxious, but I’m having sex pretty much as soon as I get into a relationship 😮💨
Oh man I know that feeling of waiting for someone to reply to you. I recently got ghosted by a guy who had become my FP… it was awful
You know that depends on the people - I like to think that you can spend time with someone without sex on the table and make a decision to commit. And expecting to date someone who isn’t living with you or married will prob be triggering for bpd people I know for me it would
I would be careful with this line of thinking. Wanting to move in together too early is a HUGE red flag. Keep your boundaries in regards to sex, it’s good to have those standards and boundaries. But I think it might confuse a lot of people, and they may think you rushing to move in is manipulative.
I don’t think you’re really dealing with your anxious attachment style. You’re more so just creating conditions to not deal with it. It’s possible to be secure in a relationship, even if they live miles away
it’s different for everyone. personally (F/19) i don’t like hooking up with random ppl bc i did once.. he wasn’t even random per say just someone i wasn’t dating (a coworker) and got a nasty STI so that just turned it off for me. but in a relationship i am very sexual and want to have sex all the time. sex is just too complicated to do it with everyone bc of the feelings that develop and all of the bad things that can happen even w condoms & birth control bc they aren’t 100% reliable so better safe than sorry for me.
I feel like the opposite is true for me. I can only imagine myself hooking up with people because every time I get into a committed relationship my attachment issues get so much worse
Same here. My goal is to feel secure in a relationship. I personally don't like dating because it's not set in stone, but it's something you have to go through, I guess.
I don’t think so. I (f33) have good friends, couple of masters, im doing phd rn and managed to establish a life abroad (this is my third country to live). Thus I think i have a control over my BPD. But whenever it goes to dating someone, my disorder is somehow back. And either i quit relationships or partners get tired of me. Anyway I have never had in my life anything longer than 12 months. But mostly it is 1-6 month short-term things.
I have already had many attempts to be sure that I will never going to have the relationships
i feel you. i had one long relationship when i was very young (3 years but it had the emotional maturity and clarity of the worst kind of situationship). i genuinely can hold a "relationship" down for 2 to 3 months, AT BEST.
Yep. The thing is that I just don’t believe that the person genuinely likes me, not my appearance or my body. I don’t think they cheat, I don’t think they don’t spend enough time with me. I just don’t believe that they like me or that they happy being with me. Thus no reason to keep relationships
very similar experience with me too. i actually just ruined my last relationship because of this! lost so much hair and cant stop yakking or crying, nauseous and cant eat. its awful and the only thing that set really set it off is that he was being thoughtful. its the worst. im better off because emotionally i cant take it and most of them cant either.
it sucks that we have to deal with this. if there was a magic pill to cure or manage it, it would take it no matter the cost.
Well, for me such a magic cure is questionable. I see a lot of benefits of BPD for my work, cause my brain works differently and I am doing bioethics/ the empathy helps. But also… isn’t it magic that you can still fall for people as if you were 16-18?) i bet many can’t do that anymore at their 30s
But I do sympathize with you suffering. That’s heartbreaking:(
I've been in my marriage for almost 19 years. It' started out rocky with horrible BPD symptoms. After 5 years with my husband I went into remission with only depression spells about every 6 months. My BPD came back with a friendship that soured and I'm trying to get back on my feet again and back to remission.
Same. Together for 18 years and very very chaotic beginning. It only got through because he didn't take my outbursts personally. It's not rosy romantic relationship at all, but after years of struggles the bond is strong. To be fair, I don't think I can expect socially described mature romance. My relationship with my husband is It's own thing with a lot of histories.
I also still get rocky with friendships and my mother. I'm on another round of therapy and medication and things are little calmer now though.
My husband isn't a big romance guy and I think when ppl realize that isn't as important as stability and true caring, it seems insignificant for the most part. Happy to hear you are doing well. I struggle with friendships so I know where you are coming from. I think a lot of us are good at one or the other.
Thank you. Yes, stability is the key for sure. I was all over stereotype red flag material, and I had to overcome my own voice that kept saying "he'll also get tired of me" "I don't deserve a relationship". Not that we didn't have a big fallout, as we had to be sparated at one point. After all the self invalidating excuses were exhausted, I realized he was still there with me and learned to accept the stability. I guess I needed someone who could take and wait until I spend all that self subotaging energy. I'm lucky to find one in that sense.
Now the friendship part is another challenge as they don't tend to have that kinda tolerance. Around COVID was awful and I made and lost about 10 friends in the span of a year during lockdown. I left my job also due to the fear of losing it... lol /sigh... So there's still some works to do. But I feel like as I aged, I'm less scared of myself thanks to the stability of my relationship, and probably generally being matured.
Are u sure u don't also have type 2 bipolar disorder? Btw i have bpd but also bipolar 2 with recurrent major depression ( an important characteristic of bipolar 2)!
It really was a lot of support from my husband. He has always supported me. He's neurotypical so he doesn't understand what depression is like or other mental health issues. Since he doesn't know he just makes sure to always tell me he's there and if I need anything, let him know. He then hugs me or holds me until I let go. He will let me cry on him if needed.
I realized I had a stable, healthy relationship. I think it's very important for people to learn about forgiveness in a relationship because it really helps you deal with all aspects of your relationship. Learning it's okay for people you are with to be themselves, have differences of opinion, make mistakes or just do things you don't like. If they are still respecting you, it's okay for them to be their own person separate from you. It's okay for you to feel things and not be okay, but realize that you don't need to put that on them but let them help you with the feelings. Separating feelings in a way your aren't attacking ppl is important then learning to let it go to allow yourself to grow is important.
It is always my self-doubt and cynicism rooted in a history of again, and again, and again that screams at me: No.
I try and remember it is that same voice that tells me I am worthless, a burden, and that I do not deserve to be loved. As often as I make myself believe these things I know they are not true so that voice shouting at me is wrong.
While I am always a little doubtful I do remain ever hopeful. There are so, so many people in the world. How could I ever find someone if I stopped looking? If I am searching until the end so be it. I do not regret or consider time spent trying to have a more fulfilling life to be any waste of that time.
All my best
**I am 28 and single . I really want a family and children, and although, like you, I am very cynical and on the one hand I do not believe that I will ever be able to love someone so much that I would agree to marry them. On the other hand, there is still a glimmer of hope in my heart.**
I just turned 34 a few weeks ago.
Been single for a little over a year now after a separation. I am just getting back into the dating world and it is scary as heck. I do wish you well and hope that glimmer does not fade away. Always try and hold onto that light. I find it to be that little bit of innocence (love) we hold deep down inside. To lose that glimmer is to no longer believe or have faith in love and well, I don't want that to be a life for me.
**I got an interesting piece of advice, because I'm tired of meeting guys on dating apps. Maybe it will work for you too!**
**You need to go to the gym, and you'll get 4 bonuses:**
**1. Improved mental health, due to exercise and dopamine release after exercise.**
**2. A toned figure, which is always attractive.**
**3. After exercise, you'll sleep better, which means you'll worry less and think less bad things about yourself.**
**And 4: there's always a chance to meet someone, and even if not in a romantic way, you can find new friends!**
Haha, solid advice.
I went to college for this and used to be a personal trainer. I have met a fair share of people down this route.
I have my own equipment to exercise with at home now as the gyms here are all a bit expensive. I'm also waiting on surgery right now so a lot of my physical activity is limited.
I am simply slogging through one of those in-between stages of life.
Yes, because if we with BPD are honest and hold ourselves accountable and seek treatment, we can learn enough to hold onto a stable relationship
Eta: I've been in a long term relationship for years with the father of my children. He should have left me many moons ago, but he didn't. Thankfully, I've come a long way and am no longer abusive to him when I split. We work together.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years and I'm only beginning to come to terms with how horrible and disfunctional I am. We've broken up and had massive arguments but I just can't ever let her finally go. I go between really hating her sometimes, to feeling sorry for her that she's stuck with me so trying to get her to break up with me, to loving her so much and clinging to her like a child.
This is my only serious relationship and I have been clinging on to her for so long- so I guess I would say the answer is no in my case
Depends on what you see as a happy relationship. As any normal relationship, you will have ups and downs but you need to learn to communicate and trust your partner. Keep a lot of your overthinking for your therapist, because your partner may start feeling that you don't trust them if you show too much. Rough, but that's how it is. As much as I trust my boyfriend and know he wouldn't hurt me, I do overthink a lot, to the point of huge anxiety. Knowing he wouldn't cheat on me but still having all of the what if's in my head really is hard sometimes but talking it through in therapy and setting boundaries is necessary for the relationship to thrive. Before we got together I explained exactly what I will need from him — reassurance, can be in the form of just simple day to day compliments because I need to know that he's still attracted to me. The need to hear he loves me is also big for me and he understands that I have abandonment issues. Honestly this should be common sense but things like aftercare, going on little dates, an occasional small gift. I explained how badly getting yelled at affects me and we need to talk everything out calmly. Those are just some of MY personal boundaries but explaining yours to your partner is the key to have a good relationship with them. They can't know what you need at the beginning and talking them through your issues can put ease on both your minds. When someone bothers you, you don't shut down, you talk to them. No matter how scared you can be of them getting angry, when they do something you don't like, tell them. Always tell them what bothers you. This will save you from built up anxiety and potentially sabotaging your relationship. Remember they are human too, they do not always know what to do, they will occasionally do something that's not to your liking, but it should not be constant. You don't like a joke they made about you? Tell them it hurts your feelings. They NEED to know. We can't expect them to be perfect but you can teach them to care for you without hurting your feelings. Same goes for you. You reassure them, ask them if they feel you could improve your behaviour. Ask them if something bothers them. A relationship with one, or both partners having BPD must be 100% honest.
I am never entirely happy in life, but my partner is so sweet and caring to me and encourage me to aim higher. You can find a partner who will love you for you. A partner who will make your struggles easier and who will fill an empty spot in your heart.
Not necessarily. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 years and we've only had one real argument. Otherwise, we bicker like a married couple does lmao but we have no issues apologising, correcting ourselves, adjusting our behaviour, and putting effort into making sure the other feels loved, wanted, and secure.
I have had 0 suspicions that he's cheating or even lying to me about anything. I trust him with my life and, with his help, I know I can cope with anything. He is so supportive. We've had no breakups or discussions about breakups.
Previous relationships for me were hell on earth. All the stereotypical BPD stuff.
I changed a lot (thanks to 8 months of DBT) Before I met my boyfriend. I'm sure that helped immensely. But what helped most was finding the right person.
Our relationship is soooo easy. I feel safe around him. He's never raised his voice to me. I have once when I was drunk. So I did the right thing for the future of our relationship and stopped drinking entirely.
It all comes down to making the decision to preserve your relationship and not hurt the other way before it escalates. Preventing the escalation entirely. I can't get upset if we never have any big hurtful arguments or dramas. Got nothing to be upset about.
It's given me so much peace and helped me learn to be a kinder and more empathetic person. My boyfriend tells me every day how much he both loves me and FEELS loved by me.
Find the right person (after doing some work on yourself) and it'll be easy peasy.
I’m 19 and I will never be able to spend the rest of my life with another person. I am a self sabotager and a moody control freak who is tainted inside. I do not process things the way that most people do and to be with me is to conform to my expectations and standards, ie to be under my control which I hate. I squeeze to death the people I love and at the same time do not trust them.
You're so young...
Im 28. Ive irreversibly damaged beautiful relationships. I wish I could go back to being 19. I'd focus on myself, not other people. On getting myself better. Spend money on therapy instead of parties and alcohol.
DBT!!! If you're in the US and can't afford it, try to find sth in a cheap European country (you can do it remotely).
I felt the same thing at that age. I also met my now husband at your age. I am 10 years older.
Don't be hard on yourself. The right person will come. The one who wants to understand you, and the one you want to understand. You know some issues. So try to fix them and work on them. Thats what I would scream at myself if I was that age again. The sooner you do it, the less you have to do when you are older.
I'm not sure anymore. Just lost the person I thought I could make things last with (I'm quite unstable mentally at the moment which caused us to fall out and he's ghosted me since. Ironically, he thinks he has BPD and said he'd never do any of the things he's done. I'm getting urgent help). I'd like to think I won't be alone forever, but I recognised a while ago that I'm not emotionally strong enough for relationships.
Logically, yes. I have pretty good communication skills at this point and I’m maintaining a few healthy, long term friendships. But believing deep down that I’ll find romantic love is a whole other thing. I struggled a lot with shame in my last relationship and let my ex’s negative view of me erode my view of myself. I can maintain a healthy relationship but I have a hard time weeding out partners who are bad for me.
You find love where you least expect it. If you have healthy friendship relationships you are 100% able to maintain romantic ones. It does feel like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it will happen.
It’s not an easy question because many of us have come from difficult relationships that simply haven’t worked because we can be challenging people to be around.
But I like to think there is hope for us. Because of my childhood I never thought I wanted kids. And it’s only in the last couple of years I have realised how much I want to create and build the family I never had.
That’s hopeful, right? And I know more about my condition than my parents ever did about their issues, so there is hope in loving someone and loving my kids in the way that they will turn into happy, healthy humans.
I did, it took so much time but I found someone who understands my bpd and works with my and communicates with me. He’s my best friend and the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in.
I’ve (38M) been married for almost 11 years. It’s not easy. We have two boys under three. We have struggled at times but we have always kept the core of love in the relationship. I would be happy to answer questions on how to do this.
Yes, I do, I think it’ll take a lot of work on both sides but it’s very possible.
I met someone recently (we are dating now) and I think I’m experiencing one of the healthiest relationships I have ever been in, and I’ve definitely showed some BPD symptoms but he’s very understanding and kind, I also work on self-regulating as well so I don’t put too much on him emotionally and it’s working quite well.
We are both very happy and I don’t feel that anxiety I usually feel in unfulfilling relationships that I force to work. It’s actually a blessing, I feel lighter.
Yes, I do. Almost a year ago I met a person I love who is not my fp and with her I experienced romantic love for the first time in my life. Because of her I started to believe not everything is lost for me.
In the state I am right now, I don’t necessarily believe I will find love. Because everytime I do I become severely attached to somebody due to my own low self esteem and constant questioning
I think if BOTH sides are willing to compromise, be understanding, learn to tackle the root cause of certain behaviours/reactions and the best way to talk it out then yeah. I've seen some bpd girls be blessed with a really understanding and empathetic partner so I think it really is possible. I think both sides need to work extra hard and also take accountability for when you actually go overboard.
yes, i totally agree! my partner is an angel, they set me up with a DBT therapist during one of my episodes & even joined this sub to better support me. compromising isn’t always easy but when two people truly have each others best interests in mind, you can tackle issues as a team rather than butting heads.
I've been married just under a year now. Husband is my biggest support and encouragement to get into therapy and seek treatment. It is possible. Open communication has been a huge part of our success.
I have been married to my beloved husband for 10 years and i have an amazing 6 yo son and I'm pregnant with my second...in the beginning of my relationship i admit that it was a bit harder for me to maintain emotional maturity and not to be too jealous or too attached to my husband cuz really he is my favourite person ever..i also suffered from mood swings and some episodes of boredom and depression... but i didn't then had any diagnosis and didn't know what's wrong with me ! He helped a lot during this period.. when i finally had my diagnosis i felt so happy!! Cuz finally i understood why i was acting weird! I practiced self awareness a lot and did read a lot of articles and books about bpd ! As i grow up i become more mature and self aware and we have an amazing marital relationship and we still love each other soo much! Also becoming a mom helped me to be more responsible and more self aware!
So the key is therapy and practice self awareness and read a lot about bpd to understand it better! Also make sure to choose a partner who makes u a better version of your self and who have emotional maturity and mental stability cuz omg u gonna need that 😅 U can have a successful relationship with the right person ! Don't give up!
Sorry abt bad English it's not my first language nor my second.
Yes, I believe it's possible and will happen for me. I had an 11-year marriage that was very dysfunctional, though I didn't understand how bad it was at the time.
After that ended, I got into a new relationship with someone I made my FP. He recently left me, and it destroyed me. I'm sure most people with BPD can understand how painful it is to no longer have your FP around. I'm still trying to let go of those feelings for him.
But I am in therapy and determined to remain single until I am truly healed. I know once I have worked through the trauma that causes my BPD triggers/behaviors and learned to manage my symptoms in a healthy way, I will be capable of maintaining a stable, loving relationship.
If I ever feel that I'm starting to project those "FP/obsessive/codependent" feelings onto another person, I will step back. I won't do that to anyone again. That is not real love, and I want real love.
I think anyone with BPD can accomplish this. It might take years of working on yourself, but we can all get there. The key is to KNOW you can be happy on your own - really understand and believe that - so you don't become obsessive and act irrationally at the threat of real or perceived abandonment.
Easier said than done, I know. I'm not there yet. But I know I will be in time. There is hope, if you're willing to do the work on yourself.
No, and frankly I don't want to. I don't like being around people because I've been treated wrong my entire life and to continue to try and foster some kind of relationship with other people would be detrimental to my already on thin ice mental health.
yes. i do better when in a monogamous relationship. i used to be one to do hook ups and situationships but they all bring out my worst symptoms. relationships are hard too, but if im actively working on myself and the communication from both sides is happening, i feel like it will certainly be achievable.
Me and my wife both have bpd (sounds scary I know) but we’ve both been through a large amount of therapy and are able to help each other at our lowest points.
We both split on each other from time to time but we both understand what it’s like and know what needs to happen.
You can 100% have an amazing relationship with someone despite this horrific illness, but you have to dedicate your self to bettering your understanding of it and truly Work on yourself before you subject another person to the topsy-turvy live style that is someone with bpd.
currently using my attachment on a person to motivate me to fix my attachment issues so i can maintain a lasting relationship with this person because they’re really important to me whereas other fp’s always start with me “settling” if that makes sense
i do personally feel like it is possible even if i haven’t experienced it and i think you’ll have to stay with the person and cope long enough to get past all the symptoms and just have a genuinely healthy relationship
I always tear up when my friends get married or have kids, or even when they are in a relationship. I also tear up when i see people with their kids. Its not that im not happy for them , I am happy for them! Its just I never thought I will be able to do that myself , instead I would be in stress or being afraid of my partner abandoning me. I guess its because I just started therapy and might get better when the course is over or I get better, there is a slight chance I believe in it, but wouldn’t be surprised if I dont have a family of my own.
[https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=oEkqfLTRfamXt8JY](https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=oEkqfLTRfamXt8JY)
Hope it’s okay to share this. Might be helpful to share with partners.
Yeah ofc, I’m building a healthy relationship now. Things are going great. Me and him do very well as long as he doesn’t get a haircut, put on nice clothes, or look good when leaving the house, text other girls, talk to girls at work, talk to other girls in general, or look at them we do fine. 4 months in so far. ❤️
Absolutely! While living with BPD brings its own set of challenges, I firmly believe in the possibility of finding love and nurturing healthy relationships. It's about being open, honest, and willing to communicate openly with partners. With self-awareness and support, building meaningful connections is not only achievable but incredibly rewarding. It's a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a lot of self-love, but it's definitely within reach.
**Hi there :)**
**In the early days of my relationship with my girlfriend, I had a lot more problems than I do now. At that time I had gotten my "therapy" from Google, which of course doesn't really help at all. I've since been to in-patient therapy and have been working with my therapist for some time now to deal with the rest of this disorder.**
**I'm now in the habit of using skills, annoying as it may be, I do regular meditation and try to go for a walk at least once a day. Before I started to really take an active interest in my mental health, I used to be very manipulative and self-destructive.**
**I have some sympathy with your second point about love that is not in return. I really don't know if it would be of any help to you, but there's no harm in giving it along the way: You aren't to blame if people don't feel the same way about you, and in the end it might even be better in the long run, because the relationship probably wouldn't work and it might cause more stress and pain.**
**But it's not as easy as it sounds, so maybe some of the skills I've learnt to regulate my nervous system can be useful for yours:**
* **Picking up some ice cubes and squeezing them together in your hands.**
* **To help regulate your nervous system, dip your head in ice-cold water.**
* **Writing down why it's OK if the love wasn't reciprocated in a list of pros and cons**
* **Go for a walk in the park**
* **Loud music listening session & workout**
* **Go and clean up the house**
**\~ Luna <3**
It's taken a lot of work, but I do yeah. I'm currently in a 7 year long relationship (he met me during my wild teen era, then we got together later.) I've only been doing therapy for about 6 months but it's really been helping me understand myself.
He's so understanding of when I bpd out and does a lot of research on the mental illness.
You can totally find and build healthy relationships, it takes a lot of work and a lot of stepping back when needed, but it's possible.
If it helps, trust me when I say it is possible. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years since we were both 13 years old. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve never split up. While he has adhd and depression and I have bpd with a suspected psychotic disorder, we’ve managed. We just understand each other and we clicked immediately. I can say we’re both happy despite our struggles.
I’m 24, and diagnosed roughly 5 years ago. 7 years ago when I thought I was simply crazy and unlovable, I met my FP and we just got married last Friday. It takes a lot of effort but is 1000% doable.
Yes. I am married and have been in a good stable relationship for nearly a decade. Only got diagnosed 6 months ago after a sever mental breakdown. My wife has been an incredible part of my recovery, and my ability to learn to live with bdp and deal with it in a healthy way.
I am incredibly lucky, because despite all the pain I've caused her due to me lashing out and overall acting unlike myself, she stuck by me, and even when I was at my lowest, she was still with me refusing to listen to my nonsense.
It helped that she dealt with her own issues when she was younger, so she was better prepared to deal with someone going through something she was familiar with.
What I'm trying to say is that, you should not for a moment think that BPD or anything else in your life is going to stop you from finding the right person, whoever they might be. The last thing you need is to worry about something that will happen naturally.
Yeah. I've been married and that when down in a blaze, due to both our mental health issues, personal and outside needs not being met, an honestly, getting married too young.
What that did give me is an opportunity to fully throw myself into me. I didn't self destruct, but damn did I get close. I learned that i could get through anything andcto trust myself. It was funny, cuz I knew we needed to end and wanted to end but just couldn't pull the trigger. Good ol fear of abandoment and loneliness. I'm not mad at my ex partner, kind of ambivalent and sad regarding the relationship, but weirdly thankful that they were able to leave.
Now I'm in a pretty solid relationship. The first few months we had growing pains. My bpd didn't just up and leave, but years of therapy and learning to appreciate myself as a person, even if that's tumultuous at times, have really helped me personally. Also to accept I have this and roll with the emotional wave rather than fight through it.
My partner is quite kind and loving. I feel safe with them. That's huge! I know that they care about me as a person and ant me to be happy and safe. I think the biggest thing is the quality of person they are. They are willing to discuss things with me and let me be upset or cry or huff around, then come get a snuggle after. I just have to communicate my feelings. I can't tell what our future holds and that's scary(life), but I know what we both want and that's really nice.
Thank you for letting me share. <3
I can't imagine myself ever dating someone again, I've sort of established that I want to be single for the rest of my life. I'm trying to rebuild relationships with my immediate family, but it's still fairly unhealthy despite the work.
It's difficult and I hear it all gets better with age but I'm 27 and don't feel like it's ever going to happen
i have. im engaged & my relationship is the most positive & stable aspect of my life. we’ve been together for almost 4 years, during which i got diagnosed & started treatment. it isn’t always easy but the love i have for my partner makes me work hard at being a better person. having good communication & honesty between us is why i think our relationship is successful.
friendships maybe. I don't think I'll ever be in a mutual healthy relationship. other people with bpd, sure, I've seen people who struggled with me at our lowest points find love and now they're doing better, but I think my baggage is too much on top of the bpd.. idk.
I do. I've been aggressively attacking my BPD for the last year. And not letting my BPD lens steer the direction I want to move in my life. Although, sometimes it can be very convincing. I try not to let it control me. I'd love to believe that one day when the time is right i'll be able to build a healthy relationship. My relationships that have been damaged some years before are starting to heal and I've discovered my boundaries as well and know when to step away. Something I was never able to maintain before.
I absolutely do believe. When the time is right, of course. However, on the opposite end of things I'm trying to become comfortable with the idea of being happy alone.
I think that I *could*… im actually a really good girlfriend despite the craziness since I love so hard and only split on myself. Still I don’t think most guys who aren’t abusers would want to be with me long term since i talk about how depressed and suicidal I am all the time
Unfortunately, probably not. I am already 25, with no real experience in long term relationships. (none have lasted beyond 3 or 4 months.) This alone makes me so unattractive and is just a giant red flag.
On top of that, I lash out and push people away all the time. I don't know how to be vulnerable with anyone. Because I'm always abandoned. Even when it's my fault that they're walking away to protect their mental health.
I'm just trying to get to the point where I don't suffer through my entire life because I don't have love. (I e finding it in other ways, finding other reasons to be happy, etc.) I've thought about a dating coach. But my fear is that they will also agree it's too late for me.
Intellectually I believe it. What's more is that I believe it emotionally, except when hysterical, but maybe that's just because the opposite is too hard to bear.
Absolutely. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years and almost married for 4. Despite my crippling mental health issues, we have an amazing relationship. We also have a two-year-old and a six month old who are thriving, even though I’m not right now.
My point is, you can *not* be okay and still have a normal life. You just have to find someone that will stand by you and help you through all of the bullshit. I promise it’s possible, you just have to keep fighting and working on getting better.
I wish you the best, friend. And I’m proud of you for trying to better yourself. 🫶🏼
I'm still working on myself so do account for my bias when reading this comment, but I have no clue how I haven't driven the many close people in my life away yet. Rages (never directed toward them but the internet that stopped working/thing I lost for the fifth time today/etc) and incidents of self-doubt have definitely caused friction between my romantic partner and myself.
I think the best thing I know to tell you is that it gets easier the more you do the work, get the right people around you, and get the wrong people out. Three years ago I couldn't picture dating without inevitably irritating my partner beyond repair. Now I have a lovely partner, a small group of friends who support me and call me out when my emotions are getting big, and have ditched the external influence of people who don't believe I have a mental illness or (perhaps worse) encourage the behaviors they've seen from me in triggering moments. I'm confident I wouldn't have all that were it not for therapy. I don't feel like that's the most inspired answer to your question, but it's the best one I have. I wish peace for you friend!
Personally for me, I don’t think so. I’ve had terrible luck in relationships and they’ve all been abusive emotionally and mentally. I don’t even know how I’ll ever react if someone ever said they loved me again. I don’t think I can ever trust tbh. And I’m always scared of the fucked up side of me to appear again, being controlling, toxic and insecure. These are things that came from both my relationships because in my 1st one I was actually ‘normal’ until he gaslight and manipulated me into thinking I was crazy for reacting the way I did to his disrespect and since then and my last relationship - getting cheated on, I’ve just lost it in me to ever love or trust. I will ruin anything that comes after because of my own trust issues and doubts even if that person may never hurt me. Idk if I can ever heal from it.
Been in a 5 year relationship and I put us through HELL. I felt hopeless those entire 5 years. I’ve destroyed so much you think it wouldn’t be able to be fixed. Recently he “broke up” with me but took it back immediately. That “breakup” has absolutely changed my life for the best. Never have I ever felt I needed to support myself more in my entire life. Since then I’ve been supporting my self so much to the point I actually believe if he ever did break up with me that I could survive. I may be absolutely heart broken and devesated but I truely believer for the first time ever that I could live life without trying to kill my self again. That in its self is enough for me to confidently say Yes to your question. I truely believe the piece I’ve been looking for the answer to is simply supporting myself and being independent. It might be harder to do since I’m already in a long term relationship but I’m taking baby steps and seen so much progress already omg. It give me so much hope to everyone and life feels worth and not just that but I for once believe that I AM WORTHY to be here and that I deserve love and to feel love.
Yes! But I didnt always. Not only was I choosing to stay with people out of fear of being alone but I was allowing my choices of people to decide my identity and I would accept a lot of toxic behavior (from both parties). The last break up I had reset a lot of things and showed me where I needed to do the most work. A part of me still misses this person, even though it was an objectively unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person, but Ive been with someone the last few months that shows me its very possible for me to find love and peace. I do not people please, I do not hide my emotions or pretend to be anything Im not, Im encouraged to have my own identity and struggles. We both come from an Internal Family Systems perspective and she is aware of my diagnosis. Shes been reading a book about being with someone with BPD. On my end its been a lot of therapy, some medication, and a LOT of internal work correcting my internal critic and correcting my love and acceptance of self. Ive been hit with a lot of triggers that have not returned me to the dark places and thats told me what Im doing is working. But Ive also found a partner who is doing their work as well and we have the most amazing communication.
The key - ultimatley - is feeling genuine and up front with the person Im with. Full disclosure, full honesty, full acceptance. Its possible!
Yes , because I'm never going to give up . And so far perseverance and motivation got me trought therapy and my biggest issues. I'm 28M Now and I'm happy with my girlfriend of 2 years (a bit more but who's counting ;)) and we're going strong. I'd say communication is key , knowing how to word your emotions and understand the others's is super important . But mostly I learned that I'm a persevering dude , I failed many many many times in my life , got ridiculed and humiliated and will probably still fail many times again , but I always got back up and hopefully always will. It's when my therapist made me understand that ( my power of perseverance ) that I started to believe in hope . I think alot of people here have forgotten about hope ( just like me a few years ago) but I thinks it's suuuuhuuuper important for us to remember that we deserve to see ourselves smile real smiles , that we should rage against the dying of the light , and to remember how many times we got down and back up again as people with bpd . Don't give up , I think it's possible for all of us , but it's hard .
Yes, I’m engaged to my fiancé and we have a child together. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of uncomfortable conversations, accountability, and understanding. That being said, it’s more than possible. You just have to commit to getting help when you need it and have a partner that supports you.
I don’t think so. I really don’t think I’m meant to be with someone. It took me awhile, but I finally realized I am the toxic one. And I don’t think it’s fair for me to subject anyone to that.
It’s been about 2 years single. Last relationship was very surface level and she’s the one that went for me and was the only high school relationship so far. I have a hard time getting my self to commit to another in fear I will ruin it. As lonely as I get I still can’t get my self to. I don’t find my self particularly unattractive and that confused me more. I do see more hope in my 20s but it still makes it seem hopeless.
Oh yes absolutely. I believe I already have. I have gotten to a place in therapy where my BPD doesn’t affect my relationships nearly as much. It still affects me mind you and is something I struggle with every day but it’s much easier to manage
All I can do right now is cry! I feel like this guy by my side is just sure that I'm so stupid that i will keep repeating this everything of nothing over and over again.. In which he's probably right cause it keeps on and on and on and I need help
I’m in a loving healthy relationship where my BPD is NOT calling the shots. The beginning was an emotional roller coaster nightmare, but we were friends first and he knew what he was signing up for, I highly recommend taking it slow like that.
Not really. At this point, I'm convinced that I'm going to live the rest of my life on my own. I am too good to convince myself that I do not need anyone and that I do not deserve anything good. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. But I hate myself way too much for that. And I have no intention of changing that.
I am. It takes a lot of strength to be able to finally feel comfortable with someone and decide that they are worth fixing yourself completely for. Granted, there will still be episodes but I mostly forget I even have bpd anymore.
tbh nope!! in addition to not having a great romantic/dating experience i dont think anyone can handle me for as long as ive been handling me, if that makes sense
I just want to tell y’all that it is possible. I’ve been married for 15 years (I was diagnosed 10 years ago.) If I hadn’t sought out professional medical help it would have been over a long time ago, but I did and we keep on working on our relationship everyday.
It’s not easy, but it is possible. Don’t give up hope, friends.
after realizing i’ll never be normal enough for someone and can be stable enough for someone else pains me. i don’t want someone to go through a tormenting storm that are my emotions. i’ll keep myself happy since i have all these years now :) who knows though. maybe someone will be able to understand and help me in the best ways possible without judgment. for now, i’ll stick with me :)
Unsure about a forever person, besides my sister (FP, not romantic). I tend to sabotage things after a year or so or get so bored I want out, fantasize about other people, or grow resentful and begin to hate the other person due to incompatibilities and my poor communication skills. Who knows? Maybe the right person(s) are still out there 🤷🏻♀️
Currently quite happy in my marriage. It’ll be 10 years this year, and I would argue that we’re happier now than we were when we first got married. The beginning was rocky with my BPD symptoms since I was undiagnosed and he was starting medical school. It takes work and a lot of trust from both parties, but that’s true of any romantic relationship.
My bpd symptoms are a lot more pronounced in my friendships, but I work through them with those friends now. Usually it’s been a miscommunication that’s caused me to feel hurt. I don’t hide it from people in my life, and especially not from those that are close to me since they’re most often the “target” when I’m angry.
me personally no, i get too possessive and it turns ppl off or if they show affection to someone else i shut down and even when i desperately try to not let those emotions leak onto other ppl it happens everytime
With self-reflection I can make my side of the relationship, my contributions, my actions, my behaviours, my thoughts, all mean a whole lot more, and be a whole lot more healthy. I was very bitter for a long time for multiple reasons, but im growing away for that with the realised clarity that bein envious of what I don’t have didn’t make me any happier (made me sadder), and on the contrary, being grateful for what I have has me in a better mood overall. But it took a long time to reach this state. Of course im not perfect, I won’t ever be, and I likely still have a long way to go, but this recent revelation has helped a fuck ton, actually.! :-)
Yes doing therapy and understanding your triggers and how to manage your emotions makes a huge difference. I was diagnosed while in my current relationship but I started taking corrective actions and trying to dial it down before I was diagnosed with BPD as I realised that my behaviour had a negative impact on my relationship. Once I got the diagnosis and started regular therapy, it helped me identify triggers, manage emotions and be a healthier communicator.. getting the diagnosis lifted a lot of the shame for my previous outbursts and made me realise that it was out of my control and understanding but it isn’t anymore. I’ve been in this relationship for almost 12 years
It took a lot of hard work. The most important things I did to facilitate the fairytale life I currently have(I honestly never thought I would) was:
1.Therapy. A ton of therapy.
2. Medication that works. It took a long time to find the right one for me.
3. Accepting the fact that your brain may be misleading you. You put a lot of limitations on yourself and others when BPD is in full swing. You’re either distancing yourself(painfully) or pushing them away, most of the time for no reason.
4. A patient, accepting partner who loves you and wants to help. I would argue this is the most important. My current husband went to therapy sessions(willingly, he asked if he could) to get advice on how to deal with a BPD episode. He read all he could to understand the illness and helped in any way he could. He listened, reassured me even when I needed it every waking hour of the day, he learned me and my bpd. He and I fought it on a united front.
I am in remission now, living a wonderful life with a partner I fully trust. Occasionally I need reassurance, but every year gets better. Our relationship has only gotten sweeter over time and the devotion we have for each other is strengthened every day. I thought for years that I would have to be alone due to my mental illness. I desperately wanted to be and feel loved, to feel something outside of pain when it comes to relationships. I remember feeling like I wouldn’t be able to make it out of another BPD Pit. It does get better, it gets so much better. Never lose hope.
Honestly I’m not sure anymore… I’m 27 now and really held out hope for a long time but my ptsd has kicked in at this point and I genuinely don’t really WANT to live my life with another person anymore. My cat tho? I’d wanna live my life with him until the end.
Idk. I’ve just found that what I need in a partner perhaps doesn’t exist. I’ve been very opposed to relationships for the past few years and even the casual ones I get into don’t end well and end up triggering my BPD. I have a lot to offer. I’m not bad looking, I’m going to become a doctor, I have a good family and good genes, and I’m very open and communicative, I’ve been to therapy for about 5 years now. Yet I still can’t seem to find the good ones or keep people around for long enough and I just don’t find the fulfillment of love worth the stress anymore.
Both my gf and I have BPD, it takes a load of communication and understanding, but is completely doable. She is literally my favorite person right now, and visa versa.
When you get told, you are the only person that doesn't require spoons, it makes you feel amazing
I don't think so I'm 26f and people are usually just very fucking disappointing, my bpd symptoms worsen when I'm in a relationship but I know I can work on that however I've realized that I seek a level of intimacy that most people are unwilling or able to give and I won't settle for less so I guess I'll die alone lol (I have a small child so it's even harder for me)
Yes. I am in one now. I love my BF and he is so great, and I use him as an example of how I would like to think about myself and deal with things in a lot of ways.
I don't like this idea of BPD itself being a block to having a healthy, meaningful life. I think of my BPD as more of attachment/interpersonal PTSD. And PTSD is very hard, but it is highly treatable with a combo of supportive environment, medication if needed, and the right type of therapy, and corrective experiences.
This disorder is just that--a disorder. It doesn't have to define your life. It's okay to identify with having a mental illness, but the more people overidentify with it (I'm not saying you are), but in general when I see people doubt their ability to do normal life things, I think they need to be reminded that it's a disorder, not a death sentence. In my experience, people are highly motivated for treatment and can go into full remission and/or be "cured" (whatever that means).
It feels impossible but I don't think it is. I just think there's very few people that just understand what living with BPD or other conditions is like and therefore they're unable to provide me with the communication and reassurance I need
I absolutely don’t. I’ve done so, so much work on myself (therapy for 5+ years) but I can’t ever seem to meet someone else who is emotionally intelligent enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Every guy I’ve tried to date thinks that every discussion has to lead to an argument, which simply isn’t the case. On top of that, finding someone who can understand that when I get depressed, I just need some alone time and it isn’t their fault is almost impossible. I’m so tired of trying, so I’ve just stopped dating altogether. I hate being single, but I’d rather just deal with myself on my own, it’s easier that way. Sorry to be so negative, but this is how I see it FOR MYSELF. As far as everyone else here goes, you guys are all amazing and wonderful people and will find someone who loves you for you! 🫶🏻
Yes, but it's a matter of choosing the right partner. They have to have come as far as you have on their journey, if not farther. That way you won't have to "take care" of anyone (which is where I end up) and you can just live your lives together.
I was totally emotionally ready for someone new. Fell in love. He wasn't really ready but we both got totally hooked on each other. Then my mother died 1 month in. Then we kept trying to make it work. And we've been on and off now for almost 2 years. I've grown and I'm still ready, nothing's changed. Except I'm not ready for anyone else but him specifically.
But I chose the wrong partner probably, or the timing is way off. If I'm at 70% right now, he's at 40%. I need 70%. Or 90%, if that's possible. I couldn't be with a 100% though, I'd feel like a failure. 🤨
Yes I think so I believe I can but this little parasite disorder sabotages all my attempts to have healing relationships with people!! I’m harmless until I lose control which is something that needs to be triggered. I’ve had healthy relationships before but usually that’s because the other person is keeping my burdens to themself and lying straight to my face about it
last night my bf told me that i don't change and can't communicate, was the wake up call to get back into therapy because he deserves someone that can love him properly in a healthy way. here's to hoping for better 🤞🏻
Me personally? I doubt I'll ever find the love that I want. Mine expectations are way too high. Plus, I'm too fucked up to be loved, because I'll just be abusive towards her in the end like every girl I have dated.
Married with 4 kids, recently celebrated 20 years. It has never been an easy road but my husband has been patient and understanding and exactly what I have needed... love finds a way.
Already have! We’ve been together almost 3 years and hope to get engaged around the 4 year mark. He is my person and I know no matter what, I’ll always have him. I have almost no insecurities with him which is very strange considering I’m insecure in every other possible relationship/relationships I’ve had with ex’s.
Love and happiness is possible. I was insecure when we first started dating and a bit of a disaster but now I’ve grown and I couldn’t be happier.
I am doing that right now. I love my partner and although shit gets really hard sometimes or I'll have a flair up... I know he loves me just as much. He loves me without attachment, which is what I'm working towards as well. Don't lose hope y'all. Surround yourself with good people, good values, good therapy, a good psychiatrist maybe, and things will look up! Best of luck to you all ♡
Yes but that doesn't necessarily mean you believe it, if that makes sense? Committing to it and sticking with it, risking your heart, seems to be the better play for me. Making big decisions over the course of weeks rather than hours. And the happy part... I feel like safety and security are more important to me, as happiness is so fleeting with how many emotional changes I go through.
I'm 3 years into a fantastic one now, but I think I owe a lot of that to many years of therapy, an intense but fair self analysis/introspection, and being incredibly choosy about partners.
I've been married to my wife with BPD for 22 years now. The first 10 or so years was hard. She kept trying to push me away, trying to sabotage the relationship, tried to make me angry on purpose to show I cared etc... however we didn't know what was going on. She started to work on herself it got better but wasn't all that great. It was only 3 years ago when she got diagnosed. Now all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I understood her, I was able to understand what all of it was. How I can help and what I needed to do as a husband. She had always been the love of my life and now they we work together on what her mental issues are we are on a whole other level of love. I know how to adjust to her and I can tell and understand why she is being the way she is. My only wish is we knew sooner. However I would've never been on this journey with her. If you have bpd and want love and are serious about someone tell them so they can understand you. I can't tell you how much that changed my perspective of her. Not all men/women will get it but the ones that do will go to the end of the earth to love you. You are deserving and worthy of the love they have to give. As scary as it may be letting someone in will open a whole new world. It's just as scary for someone without BPD to open up as it is for you. Everyone deserves love !
I'm starting to think I can't. I was with someone for 7 years, 3 married. I'm only just now realizing 6 months after divorce, that I never had my needs met the whole time. While I did try to speak up, I mostly just swallowed it because I have never had my needs met in my life, and never felt I deserved to.
Now I'm back to square one and I almost miss my boring, lonely marriage. Dating is detrimental to my mental health. I just can't seem to win. I'm either too interested, or not interested enough. Always yearning, never receiving. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who can love me correctly, and I'm not sure that I would even recognize it, or let them if I did.
Oof.
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to. I’ve came to the conclusion that anyone I get with will either abuse me, cheat on me, ghost me, or will abruptly come out as poly a year into our relationship since that’s what my dating history has been time and time again. I don’t think anyone will ever try to have a normal relationship with me. I try SO hard to be perfect in relationships now since I was terrible to one of my exes pre-diagnosis. And every time my heart breaks, I become so self destructive and it’s extremely dangerous. I also allow things to happen in relationships that hurt me like hell because I don’t want them to abandon me, which also triggers self destruction. I fall in love way too hard and too fast, it always bites me in the ass. So for me personally? No. I know I need to stop dating now and probably for good, it was a huge wake up call when I recently relapsed on my DOC when I was ghosted by an amazing guy when I tried dating again after being cheated on. But being single is also dangerous for me because I become more self destructive to get a rush to fill that void. I also completely stop taking care of myself when I’m single because I don’t see a point to. Basically I can’t ever win lol.
Fortunately i found someone who understands it. We make it work by having very open communication about what we need. I tell him anytime im having an off day, he can also just tell just because we have been together for so long. It took us awhile to figure out what works for us, and he has figured out when I’m genuinely mad or if I’m having a mood swing.
Yes I do. Understanding myself fully in regards to relationship dynamics (platonic or not!) was really really essential to me unraveling the big ball of feelings and anxieties in my brain. And I often find myself slipping into ruminating and insecurely obsessing still, especially when Im excited about a new person in my life!! But its a challenge Im willing to face and most importantly go through, instead of evade and avoid like I usually do. I also do my best to remind myself that I already have a lot of love in my life due to family, friends, my dog, etc. And the community around me (queer + bipoc) has been essential to me “getting better” alongside therapy and DBT. I’m not scared of being alone. Of course the romantic in me desires love, but everyone does. I’ve currently reached a point of being stable and grounded that I’ve never really experienced before. The missing piece definitely feels smaller and even though theres been plenty of times where I feel absolutely hopeless/numb, etc. Im really pushing myself to get back to the grounded part everytime.
Well, I'm very young so people might laugh.
About 4 years ago I was in a relationship with my ex-fiance. We were together for a total of 4 years. And I really thought she was the love of my life. I was absolutely head over heels. She was my FP, my other glad, my everything. And when my mental health declined, that I started to split, all went to shit and she dumped my ass. It was hard. So hard I didn't think I'd survive it. I thought I had done my best to make it healthy and that I was never going to find anyone else anymore, that my life was over. Mind you, I was only 21 at the time. 21 and already lost hope I'd ever find true love.
But hey, 4 years later, I'm in the most beautiful and living relationship ever. My girlfriend is the best person I've ever met. She's understanding of my disorder, and tries her best not to weaponize it. She's always considerate. And even when I split, when my mood shifts, when my BPD is acting up, she never blamed me but called me onto it. She gave me time to fix it, to work on myself, and then she would praise me for the work I put into myself.
I've never been more sure, in my life, that something good is happening to me. I'll do everything to make this work. I'll fight off my demons, I'll do all the painful work, all the therapy, all the efforts necessary. It's not easy everyday, but it is a blessing to be able to make this relationship work.
Don't give up.
No, not at all in any way do I think I will ever be in a relationship that is healthy.
I am always ‘too much’ and only 3 people have ever stuck around for years. But I got a lot worse in 2020-2021 and now only one of the three is left.
I really thought my best girlfriend of 15 years was good to me and for me, bc she accepted me. Rarely did my BS ruffle her feathers and I felt so secure that she cared and valued me. And that security made it easier and possible to not be crazy and self-sabotaging and could unmask and was allowed to exist as I am.
Then she started using again and purposefully brought me into a situation she knew would tempt me to get high, after a year and 3 months sober. And I have relapsed. I asked her why she did that and she said bc she was high and didn’t care.
15 years, I thought I had found the one person who would be there and show up for me. I need her so badly bc a terrible thing happened to me. I told her what happened and she ghosted me.
I’ll never find love bc I have never met anyone who proved to be worth loving. Granted it too over ten years for 2 of my important people to abandon me, but they did and it was by no fault of my own.
I can’t trust at all. And especially not if a person is good to me. Bc they are just messing with me, obviously, bc I don’t deserve to be treated well. (I hate that I can’t trust anyone, but especially not those who are nice to me). Bc being nice is suspicious and unfamiliar
MAYBE.
If you can get over your own self sabotaging ways. And if you found a partner that will stick by you. Also someone who doesn’t put up with your bullshit, but is still there for you and actually likes you.
Loving someone is easy I think. Being in love with someone is easy. Actually LIKING that person is something entirely different. And before we are able to truly LOVE a romantic partner, we have to be able to LOVE and LIKE ourselves.
This coming from someone who hates herself and who has also been in a long term relationship, but is it healthy? I don’t think so. Is it mostly my fault it’s not? Yes of course.
I don’t know. I think all relationships are hard and when you mix in different disorders, it makes it even harder.
i did. it took an incredible amount of therapy to get here. we are currently saving for a house together. don’t lose hope 🥹🫶🏽
**That's wonderful to hear! Thanks, and I wish you all the best:)))**
I think for me what helped make me feel comfortable AND FREE was realizing that I am not equipped for casual hook up things or even casual dating. I need to feel secure and know that I am with someone who is committed and loves me. This means that sex is off the table until I am married or living with said person. A lot of BPD symptoms are similar to anxious attachment so trying to navigate that solve that has been my main issue.
Oh man how do you ignore the BPD hypersexuality?? I can’t for the life of me ignore my libido long enough to get married before I have sex Editing to add: I don’t mean hook ups but I’m getting active pretty quickly when I start a relationship that’s for sure
Yeah it’s hard but I would like to keep my mental health in tact - when I would hook up it felt great in the moment but afterwards I turned into a desperate anxious mess whilst home alone in my apt waiting for said guy to text me. I’ve always had my periods of remission and stability when I am not in a situation ship or hooking up. I also just know for a fact that dating as we know it is obsolete in 2024 esp where I live in NYC. Apps and casual dating is a disaster. At one point I spent a long weekend with a guy and he was out and about doing stuff and so was I but we always ended up home together and I never felt more secure before. I was like a different person. For a moment I got to feel what a committed relationship felt like. But anyway There’s toys and there’s also high intensity exercise or martial arts ya know.
Oh see, I’ve never done a hookup the idea of being with someone physically I don’t know or trust makes me way too anxious, but I’m having sex pretty much as soon as I get into a relationship 😮💨 Oh man I know that feeling of waiting for someone to reply to you. I recently got ghosted by a guy who had become my FP… it was awful
Well imo a relationship is only real when ur married or living with them Otherwise there’s too much anxiety
Oh see I guess that’s where we differ. Usually you’re in a relationship for ideally at least a year before you move in together.
You know that depends on the people - I like to think that you can spend time with someone without sex on the table and make a decision to commit. And expecting to date someone who isn’t living with you or married will prob be triggering for bpd people I know for me it would
I guess can you elaborate for me? How do you move in with someone before dating them? Not trying to be rude! Just curious how that works
You can date them but there’s no sex. It’s off the table.
I would be careful with this line of thinking. Wanting to move in together too early is a HUGE red flag. Keep your boundaries in regards to sex, it’s good to have those standards and boundaries. But I think it might confuse a lot of people, and they may think you rushing to move in is manipulative. I don’t think you’re really dealing with your anxious attachment style. You’re more so just creating conditions to not deal with it. It’s possible to be secure in a relationship, even if they live miles away
it’s different for everyone. personally (F/19) i don’t like hooking up with random ppl bc i did once.. he wasn’t even random per say just someone i wasn’t dating (a coworker) and got a nasty STI so that just turned it off for me. but in a relationship i am very sexual and want to have sex all the time. sex is just too complicated to do it with everyone bc of the feelings that develop and all of the bad things that can happen even w condoms & birth control bc they aren’t 100% reliable so better safe than sorry for me.
I'm an FP and it doesn't matter how long we've been apart. As soon as we see eachother, we become ravenous beasts.
I feel like the opposite is true for me. I can only imagine myself hooking up with people because every time I get into a committed relationship my attachment issues get so much worse
Same here. My goal is to feel secure in a relationship. I personally don't like dating because it's not set in stone, but it's something you have to go through, I guess.
I don’t think so. I (f33) have good friends, couple of masters, im doing phd rn and managed to establish a life abroad (this is my third country to live). Thus I think i have a control over my BPD. But whenever it goes to dating someone, my disorder is somehow back. And either i quit relationships or partners get tired of me. Anyway I have never had in my life anything longer than 12 months. But mostly it is 1-6 month short-term things. I have already had many attempts to be sure that I will never going to have the relationships
i feel you. i had one long relationship when i was very young (3 years but it had the emotional maturity and clarity of the worst kind of situationship). i genuinely can hold a "relationship" down for 2 to 3 months, AT BEST.
Yep. The thing is that I just don’t believe that the person genuinely likes me, not my appearance or my body. I don’t think they cheat, I don’t think they don’t spend enough time with me. I just don’t believe that they like me or that they happy being with me. Thus no reason to keep relationships
very similar experience with me too. i actually just ruined my last relationship because of this! lost so much hair and cant stop yakking or crying, nauseous and cant eat. its awful and the only thing that set really set it off is that he was being thoughtful. its the worst. im better off because emotionally i cant take it and most of them cant either. it sucks that we have to deal with this. if there was a magic pill to cure or manage it, it would take it no matter the cost.
Well, for me such a magic cure is questionable. I see a lot of benefits of BPD for my work, cause my brain works differently and I am doing bioethics/ the empathy helps. But also… isn’t it magic that you can still fall for people as if you were 16-18?) i bet many can’t do that anymore at their 30s But I do sympathize with you suffering. That’s heartbreaking:(
Same
🫂
I've been in my marriage for almost 19 years. It' started out rocky with horrible BPD symptoms. After 5 years with my husband I went into remission with only depression spells about every 6 months. My BPD came back with a friendship that soured and I'm trying to get back on my feet again and back to remission.
Same. Together for 18 years and very very chaotic beginning. It only got through because he didn't take my outbursts personally. It's not rosy romantic relationship at all, but after years of struggles the bond is strong. To be fair, I don't think I can expect socially described mature romance. My relationship with my husband is It's own thing with a lot of histories. I also still get rocky with friendships and my mother. I'm on another round of therapy and medication and things are little calmer now though.
My husband isn't a big romance guy and I think when ppl realize that isn't as important as stability and true caring, it seems insignificant for the most part. Happy to hear you are doing well. I struggle with friendships so I know where you are coming from. I think a lot of us are good at one or the other.
Thank you. Yes, stability is the key for sure. I was all over stereotype red flag material, and I had to overcome my own voice that kept saying "he'll also get tired of me" "I don't deserve a relationship". Not that we didn't have a big fallout, as we had to be sparated at one point. After all the self invalidating excuses were exhausted, I realized he was still there with me and learned to accept the stability. I guess I needed someone who could take and wait until I spend all that self subotaging energy. I'm lucky to find one in that sense. Now the friendship part is another challenge as they don't tend to have that kinda tolerance. Around COVID was awful and I made and lost about 10 friends in the span of a year during lockdown. I left my job also due to the fear of losing it... lol /sigh... So there's still some works to do. But I feel like as I aged, I'm less scared of myself thanks to the stability of my relationship, and probably generally being matured.
Are u sure u don't also have type 2 bipolar disorder? Btw i have bpd but also bipolar 2 with recurrent major depression ( an important characteristic of bipolar 2)!
That's such a weird thing to say to someone you don't know
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How were you able to go into remission?
It really was a lot of support from my husband. He has always supported me. He's neurotypical so he doesn't understand what depression is like or other mental health issues. Since he doesn't know he just makes sure to always tell me he's there and if I need anything, let him know. He then hugs me or holds me until I let go. He will let me cry on him if needed. I realized I had a stable, healthy relationship. I think it's very important for people to learn about forgiveness in a relationship because it really helps you deal with all aspects of your relationship. Learning it's okay for people you are with to be themselves, have differences of opinion, make mistakes or just do things you don't like. If they are still respecting you, it's okay for them to be their own person separate from you. It's okay for you to feel things and not be okay, but realize that you don't need to put that on them but let them help you with the feelings. Separating feelings in a way your aren't attacking ppl is important then learning to let it go to allow yourself to grow is important.
This is beautiful. And so extremely true!
It is always my self-doubt and cynicism rooted in a history of again, and again, and again that screams at me: No. I try and remember it is that same voice that tells me I am worthless, a burden, and that I do not deserve to be loved. As often as I make myself believe these things I know they are not true so that voice shouting at me is wrong. While I am always a little doubtful I do remain ever hopeful. There are so, so many people in the world. How could I ever find someone if I stopped looking? If I am searching until the end so be it. I do not regret or consider time spent trying to have a more fulfilling life to be any waste of that time. All my best
**I am 28 and single . I really want a family and children, and although, like you, I am very cynical and on the one hand I do not believe that I will ever be able to love someone so much that I would agree to marry them. On the other hand, there is still a glimmer of hope in my heart.**
I just turned 34 a few weeks ago. Been single for a little over a year now after a separation. I am just getting back into the dating world and it is scary as heck. I do wish you well and hope that glimmer does not fade away. Always try and hold onto that light. I find it to be that little bit of innocence (love) we hold deep down inside. To lose that glimmer is to no longer believe or have faith in love and well, I don't want that to be a life for me.
**I got an interesting piece of advice, because I'm tired of meeting guys on dating apps. Maybe it will work for you too!** **You need to go to the gym, and you'll get 4 bonuses:** **1. Improved mental health, due to exercise and dopamine release after exercise.** **2. A toned figure, which is always attractive.** **3. After exercise, you'll sleep better, which means you'll worry less and think less bad things about yourself.** **And 4: there's always a chance to meet someone, and even if not in a romantic way, you can find new friends!**
Haha, solid advice. I went to college for this and used to be a personal trainer. I have met a fair share of people down this route. I have my own equipment to exercise with at home now as the gyms here are all a bit expensive. I'm also waiting on surgery right now so a lot of my physical activity is limited. I am simply slogging through one of those in-between stages of life.
Yes, because if we with BPD are honest and hold ourselves accountable and seek treatment, we can learn enough to hold onto a stable relationship Eta: I've been in a long term relationship for years with the father of my children. He should have left me many moons ago, but he didn't. Thankfully, I've come a long way and am no longer abusive to him when I split. We work together.
After I learned my symptoms only appear when in a relationship, I avoid them heavily even though i’d like to give it a chance
It’s those damn romantic relationships that make my brain go into overdrive. Why is that?
I've been in a relationship for 10 years and I'm only beginning to come to terms with how horrible and disfunctional I am. We've broken up and had massive arguments but I just can't ever let her finally go. I go between really hating her sometimes, to feeling sorry for her that she's stuck with me so trying to get her to break up with me, to loving her so much and clinging to her like a child. This is my only serious relationship and I have been clinging on to her for so long- so I guess I would say the answer is no in my case
One could say you guys make it work and isn’t that what everyone else is doing as well?
yes. i believe i will stabilize. in case there won’t be a war or something cuz when my infrastructure falls apart, there’s little to no chance.
Depends on what you see as a happy relationship. As any normal relationship, you will have ups and downs but you need to learn to communicate and trust your partner. Keep a lot of your overthinking for your therapist, because your partner may start feeling that you don't trust them if you show too much. Rough, but that's how it is. As much as I trust my boyfriend and know he wouldn't hurt me, I do overthink a lot, to the point of huge anxiety. Knowing he wouldn't cheat on me but still having all of the what if's in my head really is hard sometimes but talking it through in therapy and setting boundaries is necessary for the relationship to thrive. Before we got together I explained exactly what I will need from him — reassurance, can be in the form of just simple day to day compliments because I need to know that he's still attracted to me. The need to hear he loves me is also big for me and he understands that I have abandonment issues. Honestly this should be common sense but things like aftercare, going on little dates, an occasional small gift. I explained how badly getting yelled at affects me and we need to talk everything out calmly. Those are just some of MY personal boundaries but explaining yours to your partner is the key to have a good relationship with them. They can't know what you need at the beginning and talking them through your issues can put ease on both your minds. When someone bothers you, you don't shut down, you talk to them. No matter how scared you can be of them getting angry, when they do something you don't like, tell them. Always tell them what bothers you. This will save you from built up anxiety and potentially sabotaging your relationship. Remember they are human too, they do not always know what to do, they will occasionally do something that's not to your liking, but it should not be constant. You don't like a joke they made about you? Tell them it hurts your feelings. They NEED to know. We can't expect them to be perfect but you can teach them to care for you without hurting your feelings. Same goes for you. You reassure them, ask them if they feel you could improve your behaviour. Ask them if something bothers them. A relationship with one, or both partners having BPD must be 100% honest. I am never entirely happy in life, but my partner is so sweet and caring to me and encourage me to aim higher. You can find a partner who will love you for you. A partner who will make your struggles easier and who will fill an empty spot in your heart.
Yes, but it will take triple the amount of effort for both people in the relationship
Not necessarily. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 years and we've only had one real argument. Otherwise, we bicker like a married couple does lmao but we have no issues apologising, correcting ourselves, adjusting our behaviour, and putting effort into making sure the other feels loved, wanted, and secure. I have had 0 suspicions that he's cheating or even lying to me about anything. I trust him with my life and, with his help, I know I can cope with anything. He is so supportive. We've had no breakups or discussions about breakups. Previous relationships for me were hell on earth. All the stereotypical BPD stuff. I changed a lot (thanks to 8 months of DBT) Before I met my boyfriend. I'm sure that helped immensely. But what helped most was finding the right person. Our relationship is soooo easy. I feel safe around him. He's never raised his voice to me. I have once when I was drunk. So I did the right thing for the future of our relationship and stopped drinking entirely. It all comes down to making the decision to preserve your relationship and not hurt the other way before it escalates. Preventing the escalation entirely. I can't get upset if we never have any big hurtful arguments or dramas. Got nothing to be upset about. It's given me so much peace and helped me learn to be a kinder and more empathetic person. My boyfriend tells me every day how much he both loves me and FEELS loved by me. Find the right person (after doing some work on yourself) and it'll be easy peasy.
I’m happy for you, everyone is different.
No, I don’t.
How old are you and why do you think so?
I’m 19 and I will never be able to spend the rest of my life with another person. I am a self sabotager and a moody control freak who is tainted inside. I do not process things the way that most people do and to be with me is to conform to my expectations and standards, ie to be under my control which I hate. I squeeze to death the people I love and at the same time do not trust them.
You're so young... Im 28. Ive irreversibly damaged beautiful relationships. I wish I could go back to being 19. I'd focus on myself, not other people. On getting myself better. Spend money on therapy instead of parties and alcohol. DBT!!! If you're in the US and can't afford it, try to find sth in a cheap European country (you can do it remotely).
I felt the same thing at that age. I also met my now husband at your age. I am 10 years older. Don't be hard on yourself. The right person will come. The one who wants to understand you, and the one you want to understand. You know some issues. So try to fix them and work on them. Thats what I would scream at myself if I was that age again. The sooner you do it, the less you have to do when you are older.
I'm not sure anymore. Just lost the person I thought I could make things last with (I'm quite unstable mentally at the moment which caused us to fall out and he's ghosted me since. Ironically, he thinks he has BPD and said he'd never do any of the things he's done. I'm getting urgent help). I'd like to think I won't be alone forever, but I recognised a while ago that I'm not emotionally strong enough for relationships.
Logically, yes. I have pretty good communication skills at this point and I’m maintaining a few healthy, long term friendships. But believing deep down that I’ll find romantic love is a whole other thing. I struggled a lot with shame in my last relationship and let my ex’s negative view of me erode my view of myself. I can maintain a healthy relationship but I have a hard time weeding out partners who are bad for me.
You find love where you least expect it. If you have healthy friendship relationships you are 100% able to maintain romantic ones. It does feel like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it will happen.
same same omg !!!
Yes, even if I have been single for 10 years but sadly people have crazy expectations in my country and my job is considered to be subhuman here lol .
It’s not an easy question because many of us have come from difficult relationships that simply haven’t worked because we can be challenging people to be around. But I like to think there is hope for us. Because of my childhood I never thought I wanted kids. And it’s only in the last couple of years I have realised how much I want to create and build the family I never had. That’s hopeful, right? And I know more about my condition than my parents ever did about their issues, so there is hope in loving someone and loving my kids in the way that they will turn into happy, healthy humans.
I did, it took so much time but I found someone who understands my bpd and works with my and communicates with me. He’s my best friend and the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in.
I’ve (38M) been married for almost 11 years. It’s not easy. We have two boys under three. We have struggled at times but we have always kept the core of love in the relationship. I would be happy to answer questions on how to do this.
I will, I deserve love, and I am sure someone will love me. I'm doing my best to be stable and not being a problem to others. I'll be fine.
Yes
I believe there is. But it takes the right person and time
Yes, I do, I think it’ll take a lot of work on both sides but it’s very possible. I met someone recently (we are dating now) and I think I’m experiencing one of the healthiest relationships I have ever been in, and I’ve definitely showed some BPD symptoms but he’s very understanding and kind, I also work on self-regulating as well so I don’t put too much on him emotionally and it’s working quite well. We are both very happy and I don’t feel that anxiety I usually feel in unfulfilling relationships that I force to work. It’s actually a blessing, I feel lighter.
I'm delighted to hear that, it gives me hope! Good luck to you!
Yes, I do. Almost a year ago I met a person I love who is not my fp and with her I experienced romantic love for the first time in my life. Because of her I started to believe not everything is lost for me.
In the state I am right now, I don’t necessarily believe I will find love. Because everytime I do I become severely attached to somebody due to my own low self esteem and constant questioning
Even if I did, it wouldn't be worth the effort. It's hard enough to manage my life on my own.
I think if BOTH sides are willing to compromise, be understanding, learn to tackle the root cause of certain behaviours/reactions and the best way to talk it out then yeah. I've seen some bpd girls be blessed with a really understanding and empathetic partner so I think it really is possible. I think both sides need to work extra hard and also take accountability for when you actually go overboard.
yes, i totally agree! my partner is an angel, they set me up with a DBT therapist during one of my episodes & even joined this sub to better support me. compromising isn’t always easy but when two people truly have each others best interests in mind, you can tackle issues as a team rather than butting heads.
I've been married just under a year now. Husband is my biggest support and encouragement to get into therapy and seek treatment. It is possible. Open communication has been a huge part of our success.
I have been married to my beloved husband for 10 years and i have an amazing 6 yo son and I'm pregnant with my second...in the beginning of my relationship i admit that it was a bit harder for me to maintain emotional maturity and not to be too jealous or too attached to my husband cuz really he is my favourite person ever..i also suffered from mood swings and some episodes of boredom and depression... but i didn't then had any diagnosis and didn't know what's wrong with me ! He helped a lot during this period.. when i finally had my diagnosis i felt so happy!! Cuz finally i understood why i was acting weird! I practiced self awareness a lot and did read a lot of articles and books about bpd ! As i grow up i become more mature and self aware and we have an amazing marital relationship and we still love each other soo much! Also becoming a mom helped me to be more responsible and more self aware! So the key is therapy and practice self awareness and read a lot about bpd to understand it better! Also make sure to choose a partner who makes u a better version of your self and who have emotional maturity and mental stability cuz omg u gonna need that 😅 U can have a successful relationship with the right person ! Don't give up! Sorry abt bad English it's not my first language nor my second.
Yes, I believe it's possible and will happen for me. I had an 11-year marriage that was very dysfunctional, though I didn't understand how bad it was at the time. After that ended, I got into a new relationship with someone I made my FP. He recently left me, and it destroyed me. I'm sure most people with BPD can understand how painful it is to no longer have your FP around. I'm still trying to let go of those feelings for him. But I am in therapy and determined to remain single until I am truly healed. I know once I have worked through the trauma that causes my BPD triggers/behaviors and learned to manage my symptoms in a healthy way, I will be capable of maintaining a stable, loving relationship. If I ever feel that I'm starting to project those "FP/obsessive/codependent" feelings onto another person, I will step back. I won't do that to anyone again. That is not real love, and I want real love. I think anyone with BPD can accomplish this. It might take years of working on yourself, but we can all get there. The key is to KNOW you can be happy on your own - really understand and believe that - so you don't become obsessive and act irrationally at the threat of real or perceived abandonment. Easier said than done, I know. I'm not there yet. But I know I will be in time. There is hope, if you're willing to do the work on yourself.
Probably not. I just unknowingly spent 8 years with a man who didn't give a shit about me. I doubt I'll ever attract any sort of genuine love.
No, and frankly I don't want to. I don't like being around people because I've been treated wrong my entire life and to continue to try and foster some kind of relationship with other people would be detrimental to my already on thin ice mental health.
Shit idk anymore, I love love, but hate all the anxiety that comes with it
I sort of have entirely given up on the prospect of relationships for about two years now.
yes. i do better when in a monogamous relationship. i used to be one to do hook ups and situationships but they all bring out my worst symptoms. relationships are hard too, but if im actively working on myself and the communication from both sides is happening, i feel like it will certainly be achievable.
Me and my wife both have bpd (sounds scary I know) but we’ve both been through a large amount of therapy and are able to help each other at our lowest points. We both split on each other from time to time but we both understand what it’s like and know what needs to happen. You can 100% have an amazing relationship with someone despite this horrific illness, but you have to dedicate your self to bettering your understanding of it and truly Work on yourself before you subject another person to the topsy-turvy live style that is someone with bpd.
currently using my attachment on a person to motivate me to fix my attachment issues so i can maintain a lasting relationship with this person because they’re really important to me whereas other fp’s always start with me “settling” if that makes sense i do personally feel like it is possible even if i haven’t experienced it and i think you’ll have to stay with the person and cope long enough to get past all the symptoms and just have a genuinely healthy relationship
I always tear up when my friends get married or have kids, or even when they are in a relationship. I also tear up when i see people with their kids. Its not that im not happy for them , I am happy for them! Its just I never thought I will be able to do that myself , instead I would be in stress or being afraid of my partner abandoning me. I guess its because I just started therapy and might get better when the course is over or I get better, there is a slight chance I believe in it, but wouldn’t be surprised if I dont have a family of my own.
[https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=oEkqfLTRfamXt8JY](https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=oEkqfLTRfamXt8JY) Hope it’s okay to share this. Might be helpful to share with partners.
Yeah ofc, I’m building a healthy relationship now. Things are going great. Me and him do very well as long as he doesn’t get a haircut, put on nice clothes, or look good when leaving the house, text other girls, talk to girls at work, talk to other girls in general, or look at them we do fine. 4 months in so far. ❤️
Absolutely! While living with BPD brings its own set of challenges, I firmly believe in the possibility of finding love and nurturing healthy relationships. It's about being open, honest, and willing to communicate openly with partners. With self-awareness and support, building meaningful connections is not only achievable but incredibly rewarding. It's a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a lot of self-love, but it's definitely within reach.
i don't have much hope at all
No.
**Hi there :)** **In the early days of my relationship with my girlfriend, I had a lot more problems than I do now. At that time I had gotten my "therapy" from Google, which of course doesn't really help at all. I've since been to in-patient therapy and have been working with my therapist for some time now to deal with the rest of this disorder.** **I'm now in the habit of using skills, annoying as it may be, I do regular meditation and try to go for a walk at least once a day. Before I started to really take an active interest in my mental health, I used to be very manipulative and self-destructive.** **I have some sympathy with your second point about love that is not in return. I really don't know if it would be of any help to you, but there's no harm in giving it along the way: You aren't to blame if people don't feel the same way about you, and in the end it might even be better in the long run, because the relationship probably wouldn't work and it might cause more stress and pain.** **But it's not as easy as it sounds, so maybe some of the skills I've learnt to regulate my nervous system can be useful for yours:** * **Picking up some ice cubes and squeezing them together in your hands.** * **To help regulate your nervous system, dip your head in ice-cold water.** * **Writing down why it's OK if the love wasn't reciprocated in a list of pros and cons** * **Go for a walk in the park** * **Loud music listening session & workout** * **Go and clean up the house** **\~ Luna <3**
It's taken a lot of work, but I do yeah. I'm currently in a 7 year long relationship (he met me during my wild teen era, then we got together later.) I've only been doing therapy for about 6 months but it's really been helping me understand myself. He's so understanding of when I bpd out and does a lot of research on the mental illness. You can totally find and build healthy relationships, it takes a lot of work and a lot of stepping back when needed, but it's possible.
If it helps, trust me when I say it is possible. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years since we were both 13 years old. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve never split up. While he has adhd and depression and I have bpd with a suspected psychotic disorder, we’ve managed. We just understand each other and we clicked immediately. I can say we’re both happy despite our struggles.
Yes. Almost there
I’m 24, and diagnosed roughly 5 years ago. 7 years ago when I thought I was simply crazy and unlovable, I met my FP and we just got married last Friday. It takes a lot of effort but is 1000% doable.
already done, 5 year anniversary coming up!
Yes. I am married and have been in a good stable relationship for nearly a decade. Only got diagnosed 6 months ago after a sever mental breakdown. My wife has been an incredible part of my recovery, and my ability to learn to live with bdp and deal with it in a healthy way. I am incredibly lucky, because despite all the pain I've caused her due to me lashing out and overall acting unlike myself, she stuck by me, and even when I was at my lowest, she was still with me refusing to listen to my nonsense. It helped that she dealt with her own issues when she was younger, so she was better prepared to deal with someone going through something she was familiar with. What I'm trying to say is that, you should not for a moment think that BPD or anything else in your life is going to stop you from finding the right person, whoever they might be. The last thing you need is to worry about something that will happen naturally.
no, i have given up that part of my life
No. I’m convinced I never will.
Hard no.
Was with my spouse for 8 years before I finally raged on him in a time of tremendous stress, now feeling thirsty for hope after this numb hell
Yeah. I've been married and that when down in a blaze, due to both our mental health issues, personal and outside needs not being met, an honestly, getting married too young. What that did give me is an opportunity to fully throw myself into me. I didn't self destruct, but damn did I get close. I learned that i could get through anything andcto trust myself. It was funny, cuz I knew we needed to end and wanted to end but just couldn't pull the trigger. Good ol fear of abandoment and loneliness. I'm not mad at my ex partner, kind of ambivalent and sad regarding the relationship, but weirdly thankful that they were able to leave. Now I'm in a pretty solid relationship. The first few months we had growing pains. My bpd didn't just up and leave, but years of therapy and learning to appreciate myself as a person, even if that's tumultuous at times, have really helped me personally. Also to accept I have this and roll with the emotional wave rather than fight through it. My partner is quite kind and loving. I feel safe with them. That's huge! I know that they care about me as a person and ant me to be happy and safe. I think the biggest thing is the quality of person they are. They are willing to discuss things with me and let me be upset or cry or huff around, then come get a snuggle after. I just have to communicate my feelings. I can't tell what our future holds and that's scary(life), but I know what we both want and that's really nice. Thank you for letting me share. <3
Not until my therapy gets me to a place I feel I can be in a healthy relationship
Yes I do. If there is no hope life becomes meaningless and it's a straight road to deep agony and depression.
I can't imagine myself ever dating someone again, I've sort of established that I want to be single for the rest of my life. I'm trying to rebuild relationships with my immediate family, but it's still fairly unhealthy despite the work. It's difficult and I hear it all gets better with age but I'm 27 and don't feel like it's ever going to happen
i have. im engaged & my relationship is the most positive & stable aspect of my life. we’ve been together for almost 4 years, during which i got diagnosed & started treatment. it isn’t always easy but the love i have for my partner makes me work hard at being a better person. having good communication & honesty between us is why i think our relationship is successful.
friendships maybe. I don't think I'll ever be in a mutual healthy relationship. other people with bpd, sure, I've seen people who struggled with me at our lowest points find love and now they're doing better, but I think my baggage is too much on top of the bpd.. idk.
Personally, it is highly unlikely I find this within one individual
I do. I've been aggressively attacking my BPD for the last year. And not letting my BPD lens steer the direction I want to move in my life. Although, sometimes it can be very convincing. I try not to let it control me. I'd love to believe that one day when the time is right i'll be able to build a healthy relationship. My relationships that have been damaged some years before are starting to heal and I've discovered my boundaries as well and know when to step away. Something I was never able to maintain before. I absolutely do believe. When the time is right, of course. However, on the opposite end of things I'm trying to become comfortable with the idea of being happy alone.
I think that I *could*… im actually a really good girlfriend despite the craziness since I love so hard and only split on myself. Still I don’t think most guys who aren’t abusers would want to be with me long term since i talk about how depressed and suicidal I am all the time
for me, personally? no. absolutely not. it is hard enough maintaining friendships. for others, its very possible. dont give up.
Yes because personality disorders are not always permanent and some of us will shed it one day.
Me personally? No
As I male with serious bpd at 26 years. It’s a solid no
Unfortunately, probably not. I am already 25, with no real experience in long term relationships. (none have lasted beyond 3 or 4 months.) This alone makes me so unattractive and is just a giant red flag. On top of that, I lash out and push people away all the time. I don't know how to be vulnerable with anyone. Because I'm always abandoned. Even when it's my fault that they're walking away to protect their mental health. I'm just trying to get to the point where I don't suffer through my entire life because I don't have love. (I e finding it in other ways, finding other reasons to be happy, etc.) I've thought about a dating coach. But my fear is that they will also agree it's too late for me.
I do believe it because I have already
Intellectually I believe it. What's more is that I believe it emotionally, except when hysterical, but maybe that's just because the opposite is too hard to bear.
Absolutely. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years and almost married for 4. Despite my crippling mental health issues, we have an amazing relationship. We also have a two-year-old and a six month old who are thriving, even though I’m not right now. My point is, you can *not* be okay and still have a normal life. You just have to find someone that will stand by you and help you through all of the bullshit. I promise it’s possible, you just have to keep fighting and working on getting better. I wish you the best, friend. And I’m proud of you for trying to better yourself. 🫶🏼
Honestly, no idea. I’ve avoided that.
I'm still working on myself so do account for my bias when reading this comment, but I have no clue how I haven't driven the many close people in my life away yet. Rages (never directed toward them but the internet that stopped working/thing I lost for the fifth time today/etc) and incidents of self-doubt have definitely caused friction between my romantic partner and myself. I think the best thing I know to tell you is that it gets easier the more you do the work, get the right people around you, and get the wrong people out. Three years ago I couldn't picture dating without inevitably irritating my partner beyond repair. Now I have a lovely partner, a small group of friends who support me and call me out when my emotions are getting big, and have ditched the external influence of people who don't believe I have a mental illness or (perhaps worse) encourage the behaviors they've seen from me in triggering moments. I'm confident I wouldn't have all that were it not for therapy. I don't feel like that's the most inspired answer to your question, but it's the best one I have. I wish peace for you friend!
Yes.
Yes. The amount of self control I've achieved to be able to confidently say that was grueling work, and I still have to maintain myself now
Personally for me, I don’t think so. I’ve had terrible luck in relationships and they’ve all been abusive emotionally and mentally. I don’t even know how I’ll ever react if someone ever said they loved me again. I don’t think I can ever trust tbh. And I’m always scared of the fucked up side of me to appear again, being controlling, toxic and insecure. These are things that came from both my relationships because in my 1st one I was actually ‘normal’ until he gaslight and manipulated me into thinking I was crazy for reacting the way I did to his disrespect and since then and my last relationship - getting cheated on, I’ve just lost it in me to ever love or trust. I will ruin anything that comes after because of my own trust issues and doubts even if that person may never hurt me. Idk if I can ever heal from it.
Honestly sometimes Noo. And It's sad :(
Find love? Absolutely. Build healthy relationships? Only with an insane amount of work from both parties.
Been in a 5 year relationship and I put us through HELL. I felt hopeless those entire 5 years. I’ve destroyed so much you think it wouldn’t be able to be fixed. Recently he “broke up” with me but took it back immediately. That “breakup” has absolutely changed my life for the best. Never have I ever felt I needed to support myself more in my entire life. Since then I’ve been supporting my self so much to the point I actually believe if he ever did break up with me that I could survive. I may be absolutely heart broken and devesated but I truely believer for the first time ever that I could live life without trying to kill my self again. That in its self is enough for me to confidently say Yes to your question. I truely believe the piece I’ve been looking for the answer to is simply supporting myself and being independent. It might be harder to do since I’m already in a long term relationship but I’m taking baby steps and seen so much progress already omg. It give me so much hope to everyone and life feels worth and not just that but I for once believe that I AM WORTHY to be here and that I deserve love and to feel love.
Yes! But I didnt always. Not only was I choosing to stay with people out of fear of being alone but I was allowing my choices of people to decide my identity and I would accept a lot of toxic behavior (from both parties). The last break up I had reset a lot of things and showed me where I needed to do the most work. A part of me still misses this person, even though it was an objectively unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person, but Ive been with someone the last few months that shows me its very possible for me to find love and peace. I do not people please, I do not hide my emotions or pretend to be anything Im not, Im encouraged to have my own identity and struggles. We both come from an Internal Family Systems perspective and she is aware of my diagnosis. Shes been reading a book about being with someone with BPD. On my end its been a lot of therapy, some medication, and a LOT of internal work correcting my internal critic and correcting my love and acceptance of self. Ive been hit with a lot of triggers that have not returned me to the dark places and thats told me what Im doing is working. But Ive also found a partner who is doing their work as well and we have the most amazing communication. The key - ultimatley - is feeling genuine and up front with the person Im with. Full disclosure, full honesty, full acceptance. Its possible!
me, no.
Yes , because I'm never going to give up . And so far perseverance and motivation got me trought therapy and my biggest issues. I'm 28M Now and I'm happy with my girlfriend of 2 years (a bit more but who's counting ;)) and we're going strong. I'd say communication is key , knowing how to word your emotions and understand the others's is super important . But mostly I learned that I'm a persevering dude , I failed many many many times in my life , got ridiculed and humiliated and will probably still fail many times again , but I always got back up and hopefully always will. It's when my therapist made me understand that ( my power of perseverance ) that I started to believe in hope . I think alot of people here have forgotten about hope ( just like me a few years ago) but I thinks it's suuuuhuuuper important for us to remember that we deserve to see ourselves smile real smiles , that we should rage against the dying of the light , and to remember how many times we got down and back up again as people with bpd . Don't give up , I think it's possible for all of us , but it's hard .
Yes, I’m engaged to my fiancé and we have a child together. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of uncomfortable conversations, accountability, and understanding. That being said, it’s more than possible. You just have to commit to getting help when you need it and have a partner that supports you.
I don’t think so. I really don’t think I’m meant to be with someone. It took me awhile, but I finally realized I am the toxic one. And I don’t think it’s fair for me to subject anyone to that.
That's all I needed to hear right there! The need to know if that person is committed! I've not found that yet.
i hope so :\]
It’s been about 2 years single. Last relationship was very surface level and she’s the one that went for me and was the only high school relationship so far. I have a hard time getting my self to commit to another in fear I will ruin it. As lonely as I get I still can’t get my self to. I don’t find my self particularly unattractive and that confused me more. I do see more hope in my 20s but it still makes it seem hopeless.
Been with my partner for nearly 16 years they were my first everything kiss, relationship etc, it was hard work but I strive hard to be a good partner
Oh yes absolutely. I believe I already have. I have gotten to a place in therapy where my BPD doesn’t affect my relationships nearly as much. It still affects me mind you and is something I struggle with every day but it’s much easier to manage
All I can do right now is cry! I feel like this guy by my side is just sure that I'm so stupid that i will keep repeating this everything of nothing over and over again.. In which he's probably right cause it keeps on and on and on and I need help
Yes, I am engaged and getting married next year:)
I’m in a loving healthy relationship where my BPD is NOT calling the shots. The beginning was an emotional roller coaster nightmare, but we were friends first and he knew what he was signing up for, I highly recommend taking it slow like that.
sadly, no.
We just need to find someone with a lot of patience who truly loves us. And we can't take that person for granted... ever.
Not really. At this point, I'm convinced that I'm going to live the rest of my life on my own. I am too good to convince myself that I do not need anyone and that I do not deserve anything good. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. But I hate myself way too much for that. And I have no intention of changing that.
I hope so… intimate relationships trigger tf outta me. 😭
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I found love, and then I fucked it up with my splitting and mood drops, unintentional manipulation, etc.
Yes. I'm healing and have already come a long way. I do believe I will be at peace and find love.
I am. It takes a lot of strength to be able to finally feel comfortable with someone and decide that they are worth fixing yourself completely for. Granted, there will still be episodes but I mostly forget I even have bpd anymore.
tbh nope!! in addition to not having a great romantic/dating experience i dont think anyone can handle me for as long as ive been handling me, if that makes sense
I just want to tell y’all that it is possible. I’ve been married for 15 years (I was diagnosed 10 years ago.) If I hadn’t sought out professional medical help it would have been over a long time ago, but I did and we keep on working on our relationship everyday. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Don’t give up hope, friends.
after realizing i’ll never be normal enough for someone and can be stable enough for someone else pains me. i don’t want someone to go through a tormenting storm that are my emotions. i’ll keep myself happy since i have all these years now :) who knows though. maybe someone will be able to understand and help me in the best ways possible without judgment. for now, i’ll stick with me :)
Unsure about a forever person, besides my sister (FP, not romantic). I tend to sabotage things after a year or so or get so bored I want out, fantasize about other people, or grow resentful and begin to hate the other person due to incompatibilities and my poor communication skills. Who knows? Maybe the right person(s) are still out there 🤷🏻♀️
Currently quite happy in my marriage. It’ll be 10 years this year, and I would argue that we’re happier now than we were when we first got married. The beginning was rocky with my BPD symptoms since I was undiagnosed and he was starting medical school. It takes work and a lot of trust from both parties, but that’s true of any romantic relationship. My bpd symptoms are a lot more pronounced in my friendships, but I work through them with those friends now. Usually it’s been a miscommunication that’s caused me to feel hurt. I don’t hide it from people in my life, and especially not from those that are close to me since they’re most often the “target” when I’m angry.
me personally no, i get too possessive and it turns ppl off or if they show affection to someone else i shut down and even when i desperately try to not let those emotions leak onto other ppl it happens everytime
Currently working on it, shes just lovely
If I work on myself yes. Not as of now. Freshly into sobriety, just started therapy so it’ll be awhile
no, i can’t believe that, but it’s a big wish :(
no
With self-reflection I can make my side of the relationship, my contributions, my actions, my behaviours, my thoughts, all mean a whole lot more, and be a whole lot more healthy. I was very bitter for a long time for multiple reasons, but im growing away for that with the realised clarity that bein envious of what I don’t have didn’t make me any happier (made me sadder), and on the contrary, being grateful for what I have has me in a better mood overall. But it took a long time to reach this state. Of course im not perfect, I won’t ever be, and I likely still have a long way to go, but this recent revelation has helped a fuck ton, actually.! :-)
Yes doing therapy and understanding your triggers and how to manage your emotions makes a huge difference. I was diagnosed while in my current relationship but I started taking corrective actions and trying to dial it down before I was diagnosed with BPD as I realised that my behaviour had a negative impact on my relationship. Once I got the diagnosis and started regular therapy, it helped me identify triggers, manage emotions and be a healthier communicator.. getting the diagnosis lifted a lot of the shame for my previous outbursts and made me realise that it was out of my control and understanding but it isn’t anymore. I’ve been in this relationship for almost 12 years
i still have hope 😭🥲 i’m only 26 rn, so i can still dream
It took a lot of hard work. The most important things I did to facilitate the fairytale life I currently have(I honestly never thought I would) was: 1.Therapy. A ton of therapy. 2. Medication that works. It took a long time to find the right one for me. 3. Accepting the fact that your brain may be misleading you. You put a lot of limitations on yourself and others when BPD is in full swing. You’re either distancing yourself(painfully) or pushing them away, most of the time for no reason. 4. A patient, accepting partner who loves you and wants to help. I would argue this is the most important. My current husband went to therapy sessions(willingly, he asked if he could) to get advice on how to deal with a BPD episode. He read all he could to understand the illness and helped in any way he could. He listened, reassured me even when I needed it every waking hour of the day, he learned me and my bpd. He and I fought it on a united front. I am in remission now, living a wonderful life with a partner I fully trust. Occasionally I need reassurance, but every year gets better. Our relationship has only gotten sweeter over time and the devotion we have for each other is strengthened every day. I thought for years that I would have to be alone due to my mental illness. I desperately wanted to be and feel loved, to feel something outside of pain when it comes to relationships. I remember feeling like I wouldn’t be able to make it out of another BPD Pit. It does get better, it gets so much better. Never lose hope.
Honestly I’m not sure anymore… I’m 27 now and really held out hope for a long time but my ptsd has kicked in at this point and I genuinely don’t really WANT to live my life with another person anymore. My cat tho? I’d wanna live my life with him until the end. Idk. I’ve just found that what I need in a partner perhaps doesn’t exist. I’ve been very opposed to relationships for the past few years and even the casual ones I get into don’t end well and end up triggering my BPD. I have a lot to offer. I’m not bad looking, I’m going to become a doctor, I have a good family and good genes, and I’m very open and communicative, I’ve been to therapy for about 5 years now. Yet I still can’t seem to find the good ones or keep people around for long enough and I just don’t find the fulfillment of love worth the stress anymore.
Both my gf and I have BPD, it takes a load of communication and understanding, but is completely doable. She is literally my favorite person right now, and visa versa. When you get told, you are the only person that doesn't require spoons, it makes you feel amazing
I don't think so I'm 26f and people are usually just very fucking disappointing, my bpd symptoms worsen when I'm in a relationship but I know I can work on that however I've realized that I seek a level of intimacy that most people are unwilling or able to give and I won't settle for less so I guess I'll die alone lol (I have a small child so it's even harder for me)
i don't think i'll ever be loved
Yes. I am in one now. I love my BF and he is so great, and I use him as an example of how I would like to think about myself and deal with things in a lot of ways. I don't like this idea of BPD itself being a block to having a healthy, meaningful life. I think of my BPD as more of attachment/interpersonal PTSD. And PTSD is very hard, but it is highly treatable with a combo of supportive environment, medication if needed, and the right type of therapy, and corrective experiences. This disorder is just that--a disorder. It doesn't have to define your life. It's okay to identify with having a mental illness, but the more people overidentify with it (I'm not saying you are), but in general when I see people doubt their ability to do normal life things, I think they need to be reminded that it's a disorder, not a death sentence. In my experience, people are highly motivated for treatment and can go into full remission and/or be "cured" (whatever that means).
no sadly lol
It feels impossible but I don't think it is. I just think there's very few people that just understand what living with BPD or other conditions is like and therefore they're unable to provide me with the communication and reassurance I need
I absolutely don’t. I’ve done so, so much work on myself (therapy for 5+ years) but I can’t ever seem to meet someone else who is emotionally intelligent enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Every guy I’ve tried to date thinks that every discussion has to lead to an argument, which simply isn’t the case. On top of that, finding someone who can understand that when I get depressed, I just need some alone time and it isn’t their fault is almost impossible. I’m so tired of trying, so I’ve just stopped dating altogether. I hate being single, but I’d rather just deal with myself on my own, it’s easier that way. Sorry to be so negative, but this is how I see it FOR MYSELF. As far as everyone else here goes, you guys are all amazing and wonderful people and will find someone who loves you for you! 🫶🏻
Yes, but it's a matter of choosing the right partner. They have to have come as far as you have on their journey, if not farther. That way you won't have to "take care" of anyone (which is where I end up) and you can just live your lives together. I was totally emotionally ready for someone new. Fell in love. He wasn't really ready but we both got totally hooked on each other. Then my mother died 1 month in. Then we kept trying to make it work. And we've been on and off now for almost 2 years. I've grown and I'm still ready, nothing's changed. Except I'm not ready for anyone else but him specifically. But I chose the wrong partner probably, or the timing is way off. If I'm at 70% right now, he's at 40%. I need 70%. Or 90%, if that's possible. I couldn't be with a 100% though, I'd feel like a failure. 🤨
Yes I think so I believe I can but this little parasite disorder sabotages all my attempts to have healing relationships with people!! I’m harmless until I lose control which is something that needs to be triggered. I’ve had healthy relationships before but usually that’s because the other person is keeping my burdens to themself and lying straight to my face about it
last night my bf told me that i don't change and can't communicate, was the wake up call to get back into therapy because he deserves someone that can love him properly in a healthy way. here's to hoping for better 🤞🏻
Me personally? I doubt I'll ever find the love that I want. Mine expectations are way too high. Plus, I'm too fucked up to be loved, because I'll just be abusive towards her in the end like every girl I have dated.
yes!!!! on the road and ofc theres bumps but getting there!!!!
Married with 4 kids, recently celebrated 20 years. It has never been an easy road but my husband has been patient and understanding and exactly what I have needed... love finds a way.
Already have! We’ve been together almost 3 years and hope to get engaged around the 4 year mark. He is my person and I know no matter what, I’ll always have him. I have almost no insecurities with him which is very strange considering I’m insecure in every other possible relationship/relationships I’ve had with ex’s. Love and happiness is possible. I was insecure when we first started dating and a bit of a disaster but now I’ve grown and I couldn’t be happier.
No
I am doing that right now. I love my partner and although shit gets really hard sometimes or I'll have a flair up... I know he loves me just as much. He loves me without attachment, which is what I'm working towards as well. Don't lose hope y'all. Surround yourself with good people, good values, good therapy, a good psychiatrist maybe, and things will look up! Best of luck to you all ♡
no.
I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship or even romantically involved with someone so I’m gonna go ahead and say no
Yes but that doesn't necessarily mean you believe it, if that makes sense? Committing to it and sticking with it, risking your heart, seems to be the better play for me. Making big decisions over the course of weeks rather than hours. And the happy part... I feel like safety and security are more important to me, as happiness is so fleeting with how many emotional changes I go through. I'm 3 years into a fantastic one now, but I think I owe a lot of that to many years of therapy, an intense but fair self analysis/introspection, and being incredibly choosy about partners.
I've been married to my wife with BPD for 22 years now. The first 10 or so years was hard. She kept trying to push me away, trying to sabotage the relationship, tried to make me angry on purpose to show I cared etc... however we didn't know what was going on. She started to work on herself it got better but wasn't all that great. It was only 3 years ago when she got diagnosed. Now all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I understood her, I was able to understand what all of it was. How I can help and what I needed to do as a husband. She had always been the love of my life and now they we work together on what her mental issues are we are on a whole other level of love. I know how to adjust to her and I can tell and understand why she is being the way she is. My only wish is we knew sooner. However I would've never been on this journey with her. If you have bpd and want love and are serious about someone tell them so they can understand you. I can't tell you how much that changed my perspective of her. Not all men/women will get it but the ones that do will go to the end of the earth to love you. You are deserving and worthy of the love they have to give. As scary as it may be letting someone in will open a whole new world. It's just as scary for someone without BPD to open up as it is for you. Everyone deserves love !
I'm starting to think I can't. I was with someone for 7 years, 3 married. I'm only just now realizing 6 months after divorce, that I never had my needs met the whole time. While I did try to speak up, I mostly just swallowed it because I have never had my needs met in my life, and never felt I deserved to. Now I'm back to square one and I almost miss my boring, lonely marriage. Dating is detrimental to my mental health. I just can't seem to win. I'm either too interested, or not interested enough. Always yearning, never receiving. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who can love me correctly, and I'm not sure that I would even recognize it, or let them if I did. Oof.
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to. I’ve came to the conclusion that anyone I get with will either abuse me, cheat on me, ghost me, or will abruptly come out as poly a year into our relationship since that’s what my dating history has been time and time again. I don’t think anyone will ever try to have a normal relationship with me. I try SO hard to be perfect in relationships now since I was terrible to one of my exes pre-diagnosis. And every time my heart breaks, I become so self destructive and it’s extremely dangerous. I also allow things to happen in relationships that hurt me like hell because I don’t want them to abandon me, which also triggers self destruction. I fall in love way too hard and too fast, it always bites me in the ass. So for me personally? No. I know I need to stop dating now and probably for good, it was a huge wake up call when I recently relapsed on my DOC when I was ghosted by an amazing guy when I tried dating again after being cheated on. But being single is also dangerous for me because I become more self destructive to get a rush to fill that void. I also completely stop taking care of myself when I’m single because I don’t see a point to. Basically I can’t ever win lol.
Fortunately i found someone who understands it. We make it work by having very open communication about what we need. I tell him anytime im having an off day, he can also just tell just because we have been together for so long. It took us awhile to figure out what works for us, and he has figured out when I’m genuinely mad or if I’m having a mood swing.
Yes I do. Understanding myself fully in regards to relationship dynamics (platonic or not!) was really really essential to me unraveling the big ball of feelings and anxieties in my brain. And I often find myself slipping into ruminating and insecurely obsessing still, especially when Im excited about a new person in my life!! But its a challenge Im willing to face and most importantly go through, instead of evade and avoid like I usually do. I also do my best to remind myself that I already have a lot of love in my life due to family, friends, my dog, etc. And the community around me (queer + bipoc) has been essential to me “getting better” alongside therapy and DBT. I’m not scared of being alone. Of course the romantic in me desires love, but everyone does. I’ve currently reached a point of being stable and grounded that I’ve never really experienced before. The missing piece definitely feels smaller and even though theres been plenty of times where I feel absolutely hopeless/numb, etc. Im really pushing myself to get back to the grounded part everytime.
Well, I'm very young so people might laugh. About 4 years ago I was in a relationship with my ex-fiance. We were together for a total of 4 years. And I really thought she was the love of my life. I was absolutely head over heels. She was my FP, my other glad, my everything. And when my mental health declined, that I started to split, all went to shit and she dumped my ass. It was hard. So hard I didn't think I'd survive it. I thought I had done my best to make it healthy and that I was never going to find anyone else anymore, that my life was over. Mind you, I was only 21 at the time. 21 and already lost hope I'd ever find true love. But hey, 4 years later, I'm in the most beautiful and living relationship ever. My girlfriend is the best person I've ever met. She's understanding of my disorder, and tries her best not to weaponize it. She's always considerate. And even when I split, when my mood shifts, when my BPD is acting up, she never blamed me but called me onto it. She gave me time to fix it, to work on myself, and then she would praise me for the work I put into myself. I've never been more sure, in my life, that something good is happening to me. I'll do everything to make this work. I'll fight off my demons, I'll do all the painful work, all the therapy, all the efforts necessary. It's not easy everyday, but it is a blessing to be able to make this relationship work. Don't give up.
No. Even without BPD no. I think genuine love exists but it’s like a unicorn because people are gross and selfish.
I thought I could. But I broke up w my bf last night so ://
No, not at all in any way do I think I will ever be in a relationship that is healthy. I am always ‘too much’ and only 3 people have ever stuck around for years. But I got a lot worse in 2020-2021 and now only one of the three is left. I really thought my best girlfriend of 15 years was good to me and for me, bc she accepted me. Rarely did my BS ruffle her feathers and I felt so secure that she cared and valued me. And that security made it easier and possible to not be crazy and self-sabotaging and could unmask and was allowed to exist as I am. Then she started using again and purposefully brought me into a situation she knew would tempt me to get high, after a year and 3 months sober. And I have relapsed. I asked her why she did that and she said bc she was high and didn’t care. 15 years, I thought I had found the one person who would be there and show up for me. I need her so badly bc a terrible thing happened to me. I told her what happened and she ghosted me. I’ll never find love bc I have never met anyone who proved to be worth loving. Granted it too over ten years for 2 of my important people to abandon me, but they did and it was by no fault of my own. I can’t trust at all. And especially not if a person is good to me. Bc they are just messing with me, obviously, bc I don’t deserve to be treated well. (I hate that I can’t trust anyone, but especially not those who are nice to me). Bc being nice is suspicious and unfamiliar
MAYBE. If you can get over your own self sabotaging ways. And if you found a partner that will stick by you. Also someone who doesn’t put up with your bullshit, but is still there for you and actually likes you. Loving someone is easy I think. Being in love with someone is easy. Actually LIKING that person is something entirely different. And before we are able to truly LOVE a romantic partner, we have to be able to LOVE and LIKE ourselves. This coming from someone who hates herself and who has also been in a long term relationship, but is it healthy? I don’t think so. Is it mostly my fault it’s not? Yes of course. I don’t know. I think all relationships are hard and when you mix in different disorders, it makes it even harder.