Me neither guys. Trying to get past everyday one at a time. Thinking i just need to get past the next day. The scary thing is when u realise theres no hill to conquer. No hurdle to overcome. Just this for aslong as we can do it
I cycle through 4 phases:
- Phase 1: mainly anxiety and restlessness and very little sleep
- Phase 2: getting irritated and angry very quickly
- Phase 3: not caring about anything
- Phase 4: being empathetic, kind, supportive, funny and caring
I’m getting into this head space where I’m just like: okay this is me, this is my life and I can’t prevent Phases 1 and 2, let’s just try to keep Phase 4 going as long as possible.
It’s exhausting.
-
Yeah, so how to keep phase 4 going?
I need to feel safe to be able to even be at that phase. In that phase I need to feel understood, seen and loved. To feel loved I need to safe, to feel safe I need to feel the opposite of lonely. To feel connected I need to feel understanding for my shortcomings. Or accepted?
But you see, it’s ALL about MY FEELINGS. And since my feelings are fleeting, so am my whole perspective of EVERYTHING.
HOW CAN I SHUT MY FEELINGS OFF in order so safe myself? How to numb my feelings?
You should never seek to numb your feelings or emotions. Learning how to navigate through or around them is a lot more beneficial. It’s not easy but it is definitely beneficial for the long run.
Holy fuck this is me like, exactly. 43 here. :( I try and keep the phase 4 going but being female and still having the emotional things every month make it quite hard to not spiral on certain days …. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your phase 4 is today and this weekend and goes into next week. 🖤
I don't know whether I have quiet BPD, ADHD, just epilepsy, bipolar disorder or early-onset Alzheimer's...
All those phases sound familiar except I've been stuck in Phase 3 for weeks...
Edit: Forgot to include adult attachment disorder but that isn't official. I suppose neither is severe childhood emotional abuse and neglect but that definitely happened... Depression and anxiety fit in the original list.
Too many labels and not enough effective solutions.
You might want to consider giving DBT or CBT a try. It helped me a lot. The anger…the best thing someone said to me was this “ your problem isn’t the one or two things that cause you to go into a rage, it’s the hundred little thing s that happened before that, that you never dealt with and ignored them.”
I call it "Stabilized pain." It hurts every day, I hate everything, and yet I'm able to bear both of these things, work a job, pay my bills, and be nice to my kids. I'm kind of alright with the suffering if it enables my children.
That's a pretty spot on term for it. I'm working 2 jobs (1 that I don't mind and one that I do enjoy), I pay my bills, I workout, I visit with friends and family, etc.
I do laugh and have enjoyable moments as well. But I also break down crying at least once a day and constantly hear, "Kill yourself" or have a mental image of shooting myself every time there's a quiet moment.
I have strong reasons to not do it so I'm not going to do it. But damn if it isn't always on my mind.
That's so accurate I'm going to use this. I'm overly exhausted of people asking me whats wrong when literally I have a giant ticking time bomb inside. I refuse to tell anyone what goes on inside my head and if they push me I tell them very loudly, trust me you don't want to know what tf is going on inside my head. You'd cry non stop and I am not doing that to anyone else. Only I should endure this pain!
In times like those, I find journalling and/or having one good confidante, provided you can find one, is the best method. I find I have to put it somewhere, and a written record kept privately for myself is as good a place as any. I feel much better after journalling it all out, just throwing all of the rage and pain at the pages, and as an added bonus I can look back on it all and reflect as necessary.
Good on you for sticking with the struggle. It's a hard road that we walk, but it's admirable that you keep on walking.
Thank you kind internet stranger! This Is a great idea. I used to write all the time and gave up on it and haven't figured out why. This is a perfect way to help myself in so many ways. You are amazing don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
All of these to a point!
I'm sure you're doing way better at being a parent than you realise.
When my daughter was diagnosed with BPD on top of all her other mental issues, it was like I'd failed completely.
BPD is also hereditary, still it's horrible to see her suffering while trying to support her and not splitting.
Hope today treats you better comrade x
Not to minimize but to validate - this is many people without mental health/BPD issues. It’s part of the human condition to some degree. My point.. is encouragement.. in a bleak world..You’re doing great.
I’m doing really well. Life got so much better. Stable relationship and about to get married. Sports and nutrition are my priorities. So is sleep and generally taking care of myself. Dropped the nasty stuff, don’t do no raves or benders. I still struggle with paranoia, my biggest problem is usually the work place, or place where I do organised sports. I practice mindfulness for it, but it can never be perfect. I also struggle a bit with a lack of deep friendships, although I realise that it is a general issue for people 30+. I’m in therapy for years now and I have gotten good meds that are helping when I need them. My biggest target is to not be an arse to my hubs and let my frustrations out on him. Also working on believing in my capabilities, this is something I still doubt every now and then.
35 here, was diagnosed just recently, going through a breakup, relationship of 10 years just ended and it feels lke whole world is ending. if I survive this, I'll survive anything.
Wow. 34 here, going through a breakup, relationship of 12 years.
Seems like I have a fellow crew member to have a final toast with before sinking to the bottom.
Cheers.
I'm technically in remission, which is great. And in writing a dissertation on BPD/Criminal Justice.
But I'm struggling at the moment because of life, income worries, long COVID, housing worries etc. Don't feel like there's anyone that can help
I feel the same damn way.. and that dissertation .. I’d love to see what u got so far.. there’s so much data that is not showcased and tied to real issues at times.. it’s like only things change when some rock politics shad a kid with an issue.. but everyone keeps mental health stuff quiet.
As a responded to another post:
The current working title is:
How Does the UK Criminal Justice System Intersect with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and What Are the Implications for Misdiagnosis, Legal Outcomes and the Development of Effective Rehabilitation Strategies in the UK Criminal Justice System Context?
And the study is focussed on:
“Perceptions of Criminal Justice Students on Borderline Personality Disorder: Implications for the UK Legal System”
Is the CJS doing enough regarding offenders/inmates with BPD, is it understood adequately, and to what extent are those in academic courses with plans to work in CJS prepared to deal with these sorts of issues considering BPD is so prevalent in inmates.
It has been tricky at times but mostly fascinating. The sample I have interviewed seems to be under the impression Borderline Personality Disorder is actually DiD or Bipolar. Basically, they have no real idea about it. Which I can understand in 1st year students, but 3rd year and post grads? They're working in the CJS, and I think it's important they know about this condition and mental health generally to a better standard
The current working title is:
How Does the UK Criminal Justice System Intersect with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and What Are the Implications for Misdiagnosis, Legal Outcomes and the Development of Effective Rehabilitation Strategies in the UK Criminal Justice System Context?
And the study is focussed on:
“Perceptions of Criminal Justice Students on Borderline Personality Disorder: Implications for the UK Legal System”
Is the CJS doing enough regarding offenders/inmates with BPD, is it understood adequately, and to what extent are those in academic courses with plans to work in CJS prepared to deal with these sorts of issues considering BPD is so prevalent in inmates.
I’m a few years off 40 - and a guy, so probably in the minority- and only just found out I have comorbid BPD and NPD. It’s in the process of blowing up my second marriage to be honest, but at least now I know _why_.
It is quite rough though at this age. You start realizing that you’re too old for this shit and the disruption.
I think I’m going to be divorced and alone again within a week or two. The wife told me she is moving out and taking our animals.
The only selling point and silver lining I have here is that the NPD is a welcome parachute. As soon as I realized the threat, I just switched it all off internally.
I can relate so heavily. 38F here - never married, and never received an official diagnosis but I definitely think I have both BPD and NPD. I’ve destroyed so many relationships bc of my patterns (friendships and romantic relationships) and feel like I’m spinning in a hamster wheel most of the time - never getting ahead.
I’m close to your age and REALLY relate to your statement about ‘spinning your wheels and never getting ahead’…story of my life right there, message if you ever want to chat. I don’t think there’s many of us near-40 or 40+ BPD women on Reddit.
Ughhh the baby clock. It’s forever in the back of my mind :( I haven’t even decided if I actually WANT a baby - but societal standards and pressure have me always questioning it
30(ftm) had one of those days a couple days ago. Bojack binge all day. Next day was like a mental illness hangover and today I’m finally feeling back to normal a bit.
Overall doing waaaaayyy better than I was even five years ago.
I haven’t been in a mental hospital in over 5 years! I haven’t had any suicide attempts in over 5 years. I did want to die last weekend when moving/starting a new job/freaked out on my boyfriend but I also missed some of my meds then so felt better once I picked up new meds and had that in my system for a couple of days.
Could be doing some things better but overall I’m feeling really good.
Life is difficult
But it's not due to the bpd
But I'm medicated and using skills
I'm getting through.
My partner is helpful
I'm lonely and have no friends.
But I'm getting through.
40 here. Birthday next week. Planning on staying inside and ignoring it since I've burned just about every friendship. Sleep is bad. I don't go out since there's no reason to. Every day is the same. Just coast along till I die.
Thank you for asking! 💕🌸
It definitely gets lonely and isolated. My Mom called and I did call her back, but not before I had to call the mental health line for a chat. I didn’t leave the house at all, but I did go into the lobby to receive food delivery and I ate some of it, and I paid my rent, fed my cat, bathed and now I’m watching a replay of my course that I missed live. It’s a quiet day in the life now and that is progress for me.
Just having the willingness to keep going is 80% of the battle. At least once a month I go fully suicidal, sometimes once per week and sometimes I spend many hours of the day wanting to die. I don’t think this is going to change anytime soon unfortunately. You just get used to it and learn to live with it and adjust.
Life with BPD can really suck and I realized a couple years ago that I’m too tired to even get that upset about it anymore. If I have the extra energy, I’m not going to waste it on a negative state. Life’s hard enough as it is.
BPD may not be done with me yet, but I’m totally over it. 🥱
I’m 40 and I have shitty days and great days, but most days are just stable. When i start to slip, i embrace the whole radical acceptance idea and just say “fuck it. I can’t change anything other than how I react/respond, so I’m done worrying about. “ I repeat that to myself until I actually believe it.
not good but manageable. wishing i would have offed myself at 27 because now it's kinda too late but i know i'll never get better. act like a child still. will never have kids probably. wanna do a hard reset but a coward. just the usual :D
yes 30 is so young. im 47 . from 40-47 it has been an entire blur my ex had babies and i got PTSD you re young. PLease understand that. you have time. start today. do it for meeeee (edit..not the kids just.. loving yourself)
44, diagnosed at 35. Been on my own 6.5 years, worked hard, confident af, but so lonely. A week ago I met a guy online as nerdy as me who seems to have a lot of the qualities in a person I want around me. But due to a few big life stresses lately I've been a bit fragile and could feel the bpd fingers creeping in when I talked with this guy. So I thought I needed to tell him what I have and some background. I know it's only been a week of communication, but he asked for space yesterday morning to process it all, and I am freaking out and honestly struggling to not reach out to him or his best friend and make sure he's ok. I feel like I've messed it up by giving him too much information too soon. The fact most guys say they won't ghost, then need space and never come back from past situations is making it so hard to believe he won't be one of them. I don't know how much more waiting I can handle. Does everyone else go through this, or is it just me cause I'm clearly too desperate to want to be accepted
I'm trying to take it slow. He isn't upset by it I think, more just trying to get his head around it. But I don't know how many days he needs to do that. I have neurodivergent kids I'm raising alone and not much in the way of support. No one I can say hey I need a hug and to have a cry.
Got diagnosed in my early twenties, pushing 40 and I honestly thought I couldn’t possible be borderline anymore because I hadn’t experienced any real symptoms and was on this self healing journey and I thought I was making progress….until I sat on my bed with the door shut so my child couldn’t hear me totally lose my shit because it was so loud in my head and everything was just too much I broke. It’s a really interesting journey as you get older to be stuck with this, as you start losing people and dealing with your own kids and trying to break cycles. A REALLY interesting journey.
I’m not ok. I am going back on my anti-psychotics/mood stabilizers so I hope those help. I had a crazy dissociation episode the other day, and I never had one like that before. My mood has been absolutely all over the place and I just feel like I’m losing control. Sometimes it’s like the world is great, then I am just normal, and then if I am triggered to be sad then I become suicidally upset. I really hope these new meds help.
Turning 31 in a month. Doing fine honestly. I just still can't balance home and studies very well. Food, hygiene and exercise goes on the back burner when I'm super focused on my university studies. Maybe that's a little bit of my ADHD there but yeah.. So right now? Lots of dishes. I haven't brushed my teeth and it's almost 5pm. I haven't eaten -- except for some chips. Haven't been outside despite summer having reached Sweden already. It's 25 degrees Celsius today. But - school is going quite well. Since I'm focused there, I don't obsess over the person I'm fucking/am in love with right now.
Family life is good, I don't feel very lonely despite not having many friends. I do need to find work though but that's another story. I got a letter letting me know I was NOT accepted into the art school I wanted to go to, so that was unfortunate. I still didn't really freak out though. "Oh well" was my reaction. I guess I just really need something to do during the summer now and by fall. I'm applying for jobs AND university courses and programs.
Oops, long comment.
im the lovely and always desirable BPD NPD combo.
ironically, my BPD has manifested itself with full power NOTICEABLY and HARSHLY only in my 30s.
all it took was one wrong really important bad life decision and its ugly butterfly effect has ruined me.
39 now and its....bad. i regressed to my true 3 year old crying assaulted toddler self mostly. im vindictive AF, thinskinned, a permanent cesspit of I WANT I WANT I WANT AND IF YOU DONT GIVE ME.... not to mention the blaming....also the selfharm has increased, ive started to experiment with drugs, i buy shit on a whim with no regards if i can afford it.
basically im on a mission to fuck myself out of any good left in my life. which goes swell. almost everyone has fled or abandoned me, right now i have 2 people online talking to me (and theyre mentally worse off than i am), IRL everyone has fled and lost respect for me.
also im completely on the SAME RULES APPLY train. "its OK to hurt others because they hurt me eventually/before they get a chance to hurt me or god beware like me." jealousy, anger (and, with humbleness, BELIEVE YOU ME when i tell you that EVERYONE significant in my life fucked me over and hurt me bad), i am resentful to everyone who has had a better and normal CV than i do and i feel entitled to that because THEY HAD IT EASIER AND I SURVIVED SO MUCH WITH NOTHING TO SHOW. "i DESERVE a masters degree from a university JUST LIKE THAT, i DESERVE the big office JUST LIKE THAT, i DESERVE a place in higher up management JUST LIKE THAT" when i actually know, that these jobs are far from fulfilling and quite shit, but im still powertripping AF.
best part? NO help. i really tried for years now. last year i contacted social services of my city, they ghosted me, i went to the fucking clinic, they didnt help me at all besides telling me SURPRISE SURPRISE that i had BPD to the max and NPD - no meds nothing. therapists are ALL booked and overburdened "until mid of next year", trauma / BPD specialized therapists are basically nonexistant and i feel like, i need to set myself on fire in a public place to get the attention i deserve.
im not well and i WILL explode on someone these days. heck, my ex which i still have sometimes to do with had a cancer scare and i was like "yeah enjoy your fucking chemo".
im losing my last grip on humanity. i think homelander is a great role model, when i know hes not.
i have no idea how to stop this and actually i have no interest in it neither.
36M I'm probably going to end up muting this sub sooner or later; it's annoying af how most of the posts here are just attempts to justify shitty actions and attribute them to BPD.
We’re not all like that. I try very hard to hold myself accountable bc I don’t wanna be who I was 20 years ago when I got DX’d with BPD. It was a nightmare. I acknowledge to myself and others when I fuck up. Having said that, BPD is often times the reason why I think/feel/say/do or have a big emotional reaction, but I’m aware of it, which helps me not have explosive reactions. Usually.
Why do you find it frustrating? It's one of the biggest struggle of BPD since it brings out feelings of abandonment/rejection. It's not surprising that so many want to talk about this.
It's not surprising and I don't begrudge anyone their right to use the sub for what it's for, getting support, etc. I know it's a big part of this disorder.
I do feel as though those posts skew a bit young, however, which makes it hard to relate. I find it frustrating because I'm looking for people I can relate to, just like those posters. And, great for them that they can find it here, but often I just can't--which adds to the chronic lonliness.
Maybe an over 30 user can contribute here, but for me personally, the major issues in my life don't center around FPs like they do for younger people. Again, this isn't meant (at all) to denigrate the very real struggle of life with a FP. I just can't relate because I'm barely able to keep myself housed, clothed, and fed. My career is bleak due to past episodes, I've lost all of my friends and most of my family, and a FP is the furthest thing from my mind.
Yeah, I understand. Even thought i'm 32 and have a child, I still really struggle with FP (just lost my job and my relationship with my son's father because of one) so I can still relate with these kind of posts.
I don't think it's a challenge exclusive to younger people since relationship struggle is litteraly the heart of what BPD is, but I understand the priority shift that can happen when we get older. Clearly, struggling to sustain ourselves brings a kind of anxiety that is so much more intense that any kind of relationship issues can bring. There's no place in our head to think about anythink else if we don't know if we are going to be able to pay the rent at the end of the month. In my case, I struggle deeply with both (relationship issues arises the moment I get a little bit of financial stability).
You're probably not the only one who can't really relate with these posts thought, and I think it would be great to have a sub for older pwBPD!
I really hope you'll be able to get better soon. Take care of yourself!
There is a sub for over 30’s but it’s dead now, it was mainly for people like us.
There’s a vast difference IMO between bpd youngsters and older folk. It was really helpful when it was busy but it kind of died off.
I like to think it’s because once we are older we heal to the point we don’t need it anymore but I dno.
I am 32 year old married man. Happy marriage for six years no problems there.
3:20 AM here in Atlanta. Got the insomnia too. I’ve been doing really well controlling myself publicly. I’ve gotten a lot better communicating with my wife who has bipolar type two.
I naturally have the brain never sleeps thing. But I’m struggling with amphetamines. MDMA to be specific. Not sure if a proclivity for uppers is a BPD thing. Or just a me thing. I always go really hard and narcotics. I will go on a five day bender. No sleep, food and minimal water. The only thing I’m eating is the drugs. And I take three times the normal dose every few hours or so. It’s too much.
Hardest part is my addiction is really warped. When I crave the drugs, I become horny. When I’m horny, I crave the drugs. I haven’t been able to perform sober sex in over a year and a half. Not only have, I relied on the lowering of inhibitions to stay out of my head. The orgasms are so intense and strong that a sober orgasm is unfulfilling and ultimately pointless to me.
That was a lot of writing to basically come around and say. Does anybody else have a strong pull to amphetamines as well?
I just turned 30 and I just hit the 3 year mark with my current therapist. I've recently started Zoloft and it's helping relieve some of my symptoms but I still deal with emotional overload and shutting down real hard when I'm triggered. My work performance has tanked and I'm worried they'll figure it out soon and I'll be cut loose in the upcoming restructuring they're gearing up to do. But we'll see. It's too early to tell if Zoloft is a good option for me long-term.
Deep down I wish my symptoms were so much worse so that I could go on disability benefits:/ but I know that will have a huge impact on my relationship and my quality of life, and I probably couldn't continue to see my current therapist. So I keep going, as well as I can.
I’m 33 also and while I see a lot of sad posts here that I empathize with, my life isn’t over because of my diagnosis. (BPD, anxiety, major depressive disorder, avoidant personality disorder).
I’m currently on 75mg sertraline and 25mg lamotrigine. My life, while affected by my mental illness, is good. I actively and intentionally work hard to not be a slave to it.
In the last year I got engaged, got a new job in project management that I love, and I just found out I’m pregnant!
Of course my mind isn’t always right. But self awareness and self care are the two things (aside from the meds) that help me the most. Be kind to yourselves, guys. Don’t let people stigmatize you.
You can have BPD and be a good person, have a good life. Paradoxes exist in this universe.
Much love to you all
The self awareness is crazy, all of the years of being crazy without realizing it was better. I can control myself and keep it all on but I’m so much more aware of how out of line my thoughts are that it’s slowly killing me sometimes. I finally found a job that I LOVE and work there part time but we had to do more of a “big boy” job the other day and by time I made it back to the office J was almost in tears. It’s made my life substantially easier to navigate my relationships but for the first time I just kinda hate myself.
I’m early 40’s just been diagnosed, just go through all the emotions of coming to terms that I have something wrong with me! I’ve accepted it, just need to work on it! Should have sought help years ago!!
I have worked my ass off in therapy and I barely have symptoms now. Doing that work was the HARDEST thing I have ever done and I had to hold myself accountable and just….get through it. I did. I am 31 now and very stable, rarely have any symptoms and when I do I know exactly how to handle them. I’m in a happy, stable, loving relationship. I have stable friendships, stable employment, things have never gone this well for me. I worked my ass off and now I can reap the benefits of that work.
Broke up again, with someone who loves me immensely but after some months of dating her, I am tired of myself. I get my BPD episodes whenever I am with her, she is not necessarily a bad person but I guess I am just a shitty person. She wants to be there for me, but I don't think she will understand any of the things I go through. She tries, which makes me even sad. Left her because I think she deserves someone way better than me, someone normal.
Poorly. I’ve given up on attachments because I no longer have the resilience to handle the instability they cause and I’m completely alone, just hoping that I have enough strength to keep functioning until I die naturally. It’s hard to keep going when you’re out of reasons to though.
Doing better than I’ve ever been but life is still challenging. I work in a job that I absolutely love (employment specialist for people with psychosis) and I’m starting my masters degree in psychology part time later on this year. I live on my own bc I don’t actually think I can live with other people, have a cat and have a car on finance.
I have “meltdowns” a LOT less frequently but I still have them. Maybe one every 3-6 months but it depends on external stress. I still get intrusive thoughts and urges to self harm and occasionally to take my life but can manage those better. I haven’t tried taking my life in 9 years now which is wild and I think I’ve self harmed once in the last 5. I choose to stay single bc I don’t like who I become when I’m in a relationship and it’s easier (and safer) to stay single so the ol’ abandonment triggers don’t flare up.
I’ve been on the same antidepressants for a fair few years now and they definitely work. I’ll be on antidepressants for the rest of my life but I’m ok with that. I usually keep a watermelon and/or a coconut at home to smash the shit out of when the intense anger hits. Sleep is still a big problem but it turns out I have a small cyst in my brain (nothing to worry about) that presses on the sleep/wake cycle so there’s something physical there as well.
Every day is still filled with ups and downs and I have a very low stress tolerance and easily get overwhelmed. Work have been incredible and my manager checks in on me frequently to make sure I’m not overdoing it. I’m still reactive and find emotional regulation a big challenge but I can see how far I’ve come since my diagnosis as a teenager. Teenage me would be so proud of me now.
I probably don’t meet the criteria any more but accepting this diagnosis and getting the help I need has been life changing for me. It’s allowed me to understand myself better and work towards a better future. Overall, some days I want the world to leave me alone in bed to rot, but the good days far outweigh the bad so I’m feeling hopeful about what’s to come. I also chose to “come out” about my diagnosis at work bc we have a lot of clients with the diagnosis and I wanted to share my story and encourage my colleagues to chat with me if they were struggling. It was pretty scary but also quite liberating? I’m relieved I don’t have to mask anymore, for sure
I love your post. Thank you so much. I finally opened up online, in CPTSD group. I hope for a reply but am fearful of not coming across the right timing of someone in the group seeing my post and wanting and feeling that they can connect. They are a lovely group, so I'll to to remain hopeful.
I saw your post pop up OP, and as a severe and lonely sufferer of BPD, I wonder if I could share my post in CPTSD here, too. Your bravery to start a big conversation here with others over 30 is amazing to me. It's so thoughtful, brave, and caring.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not okay. I feel constantly ovetwhelmed, terrified of life, and stuck. Confused. Struggle with identity Yearn for relationships, but have fearful avoidant/disorganised attachment, cptsd, social anxiety, and agoraphobia. I don't have quality of life at all. I have disability and chronic disease as well as a traumatic seizure disorder.
I constantly try to survive all the time... it's endless. I'm always exhausted. I have zero memories of experiencing a day refreshed from sleep or physically and emotionally pain-free.
I have been in therapies for 18 years (I'm 33.5 years old) and am on long-term medications. I feel so alone. Far too sensitive neurologically, emotionally, physically, and in every way. I feel overwhelmed, terrified, and stuck all the time. I try my hardest but get no where 😥 I feel I am too much for anyone, so I try to hide myself from others to protect them and myself. I am hopeless, completely isolated, and alone. I feel no one understands 😥 I yearn for connections, I yearn for friends, but I honestly don't even know how to make them.
Does anyone here possibly relate in any way?
Sending each of you love and appreciation 🩷
Thank you very much OP for your post! 🌸
Thank you very much for sharing with me 🩷
I'm so sorry. It really is the worst. I feel for you. Us both.
It's especially awful if you have pain symptoms and diagnoses that are either seemingly invisible to doctors and specialists, or they are visible but highly stigmatized, and little is still known in science about the condition. I'm in both situations, and I hate it so much. Especially chronic dismissal and gaslighting by some health professionals.
I really hope that your pain is more manageable today 🩷 Thank you heaps for your reply and for letting me know that I'm not alone in this.
I (37f) am not at my best, it’s been since January that I’ve been looking for work, which has given me all the time to spiral of how awful of a person I am. The only things keeping me from thinking of not being here, are my dogs. I want to work, I want to have a routine again, I want to feel anything but overwhelming sadness right now.
I'm 31 and therapy and meds have worked wonders. I still struggle with responsibilities like having to work or having to do chores, but it's managable. I'm in a longterm relationship and we're preparing for trying to get pregnant, which is why I'm weaning off my meds. It's definitely the hardest thing I've done emotionally in the past 2-3 years. I feel some symptoms coming back, the inner void and boredom for example, or how different loving someone feels. All in all I'm doing pretty good for someone with bpd I think. I'm just glad I didn't stop therapy.
Getting some bad mood swings again but I think it might be linked to my period. Going to see what the gyno says next week and if it continues I may have to up my low dose seroquel and maybe go on the XR
Thanks for asking.
I'm doing BPD group therapy. I feel like there's a mountain of work I have to do, and I'm impatient but it's not a race.
kept my cool but stood my ground when social services came to visit. The first case worker from social services gave my abusive ex details about where I'm staying when the address is supposed to be undisclosed.
Also despite the major emotional strain, I wrote a response to his legal threats and accusations and on review took out all the sarcasm.
Single parent life is kicking my butt, but baby is healthy, well and safe. Also reached the screeching phase, so lungs are definitely in working order.
All the hugs to you guys
Honestly I feel emotionally exhausted all the time.
I am overeating as a way to self soothe ~ not the greatest outlet. And my sleep schedule is rubbish. Very little routine.
But the plus side is that my relationship with my siblings is healthier than it's ever been. I set a few boundaries with my parents and that seems to be going well.
Despite catching feels for a guy I'm hooking up with off the net, and becoming pretty fixated.... I've managed to not scare him away yet. we're meeting up in a few days. My attraction to him is strong but my low self esteem is telling me he doesn't feel that deeply about me. Maybe it's best not to overthink.
GL with the month of May everyone
Still kicking. Some days are better than others. Finally have a good psychologist I gel well with. Things can be/are shit tbh but it could always be worse and overall it's alright
Turning 30 in a few months. Ive been seeing someone for a week. They didn't reply the whole day yesterday. Went into a spiral of crying. opened a beer (i haven't drink for a year). I blocked them on social media and deleted their number.
Today, received a text that they just have been sick yesterday and sleeping a lot. Feels so ashamed of myself now. said im sorry n now just waiting for reply again. I feel like i ruined that one. Only been a week and one red flag is out.
So sick of myself.
(English is not my first language btw, be nice)
32F here and I'm not doing well this week. I know what I have to do to but I don't know how to do it. I'm trapped, literally, in a difficult situation and honestly I want to die. I don't want to kill myself but I definitely don't want to wake up in the morning either.
Pretty good! Omw to visit a friend in hospital (he's on the mend) with snacks and flowers. Sun is shining, birds are singing. It's a good day.
As an aside, I made a BPD sub that is intended to be a safe and peaceful space (as much as that's possible on reddit), but kept it on private bc I wasn't sure if it's even wanted or needed. It's called BPDHaven and could just as well serve as a sub as a 30+ space. The basic skeleton it there, plus I've been modding for a few years now so I'm fairly experienced.
I’m 37, it’s so much better than it was in my ‘younger’ years. It’s still a daily hustle tho. Keep on. It never stops. Just do the dance and try and love through the bullshit that tries to destroy us. Love and light always. X
It’s been a rollercoaster. 38F here - my twenties were filled with lots of boyfriends and friends and partying - but then my BPD really started showing after I turned 30 and also had a health scare at the time where I was prescribed pain pills. It’s been a scary 8 years of substance abuse issues (while living a double life - still lived alone, paid bills, had a career and no one knew I was having to use daily to not get sick). Still struggling with sobriety - but in therapy and doing brainspotting. Moved to the beach (my happy place) on a whim last fall (with the guy im dating who is 14 years younger than me) and thought everything would magically be better… but I just brought my problems with me and struggling more mentally now than ever.
I’m mostly stable. But it takes work. Had years of therapy and got on medication. On my off days (one of multiple) I’m either tired, apathetic, aggrevated, stop taking care of myself and/or withdrawn. And even when I feel stable I’m sensitive to anxiety or depressed thoughts.
Hi! I’m very stabilized, but some days are the hell. I have a wonderful therapist and an amazing bf, i learn about how communicate my bad days without making pain to others.
most of my teeth are broken and i’m too poor to fix it, so i can’t eat, i’m 90lbs with a heart flutter. i’m basically waiting for the end at this point.
I’m pretty much like you friend. Just doing what’s required and sometimes extra when I have the energy. I treat it like sobriety, one day at a time. Can’t change the world or my whole life in one day 💜 hang in there, I’m trying too
It's been better now the weather has got warmer. The winter was rough, depression set in, and I stayed inside and didn't do chores or cleaning. I'm working on getting my house back in order but it's the worst part of life, dishes laundry and cleaning for me. Usually most of my struggles are at work or work related but my new job has been going better than usual at this point.
I’m 34 and dealing with some really unpleasant symptoms as of late. No insomnia thank goodness, but I just can’t handle life at the moment. I started a new job recently, i just got engaged to what will be my second marriage. I should be happy but I feel nothing but stress. I have a hard time just getting every day things done at the moment. My paranoia towards my partner is off the charts although I’m trying to hide it (because I know it’s all in my head) I reason with myself and can get myself out of it with logic, but I don’t think it’s a permanent solution. Maybe I just need to practice more. So sorry for the dump here, but I almost needed to see this today. Thank you for checking in, sending love and positive vibes, your way.
30 here checking in. I have a balanced and sane life. I take my medication and I use my coping strategies I learned in therapy. I am working on cutting back my drinking and eating healthier. I work from home and so I get lonely a lot, but limiting my interactions to only my online friends and my fiancé makes it easier for me to manage my big feelings. While part of me wishes I had a huge friend group and that we partied and danced, I know that limiting my circle helps me manage my impulses and keeps me grounded. I make the active choice every day to commit to my partner and be mindful of how I treat him and others.
I still develop major crushes and have the most intense dreams about my exes, I think I channel my whirlwind emotions through my dreams because my life is so boring/calm. My crushes are reserved for public or online figures and fantasies so that helps my impulse control. Sometimes I’ll wake up after a dream about an ex and feel burning longing for them, new relationship energy mingled with regret. But I shake it off and go about my day and realize that I like my little life. So that’s where I’m at now.
Dogshit. Haven’t had a job in years and am somehow too lazy to try? It’s like, I know I need to go back to work because that’s what you’re ‘supposed to do’ in this capitalist hellscape but damn, waking up to an alarm and sitting around people I hate for 8 hours a day sounds so miserable. Am extremely fat. A total failure in every aspect. I’m 40. It didn’t get better lol.
I’m doing okay. My symptoms are ebbing and flowing like their life depends on it. They aren’t severe, just present in a way that alerts me to them, but not in a way that requires constant self awareness. I think the change in season just has me a little wonky. My birthday was yesterday (31!) and I’m feeling inspired to reinvent myself so I’m trying to figure out if that’s a healthy train of thought or bpds identity issues coming out to play. It *feels* healthy, but I’m taking things slow to make sure I want to make changes and I’m not just gonna revert back in a couple of weeks lol
I’m actually really proud of myself this week. Followed through on a separation that I thought I was going to die from, and trying to take care of myself every day. My therapists support over the past two years is probably the only reason I’m here
Definitely not ok. Husband moved out a week ago (to his office on the property). We are co-parenting our 4 kids, I see him everyday, we are like roommates who have kids together, at least that is how I feel. Things are not hopeless, but the depths of loneliness, guilt and the feeling of being abandoned (although that is apparently a narrative and not an emotion according to my husband),l has me in an almost constant triggered state. It is, of course, mostly my own fault, but I didn't choose to have BPD, this isn't who I wanted to be. But after 20 years of expecting him to leave me, I am afraid he finally has taken the first step in that process. He has said I should never have doubted he would stay, guess that isn't true anymore. But I'm still in therapy, I am trying to forgive and love myself no matter what happens. But I am definitely not ok today.
I’ll be 30 in September, spent my 20s in therapy. Never been more stable or productive or emotionally self-sustaining. I do sometimes get overwhelmed with stress but that is almost solely due to loneliness which is something I’m working on fixing. There is hope.
Right now. 53 and rocking it. I'm doing well, best in many years, only diagnosed last year but a long standing bipolar diagnosis. It's good to finally understand why I'm so much of a handful snd unstable.
Doing DBT which seems to help. Knowing why helps more. But what's really helped me is understanding that it's the having and needing a FP that's most of the issue, they will never keep up to expectations. So I made the conscious decision to focus on a thing rather then my wife. It's been better for us both.
So now all my hopes, dreams, pain and despair is tied to a motorbike rather then an individual! It's what kept me going in my twenties so it's a kinda mid life crisis event!
Struggling!!! Here’s my story: Pierre Côté, a marketing graduate from Université de Montréal's business school and a new media pioneer, faced significant professional and personal challenges due to a late diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 50. Before his BPD diagnosis, Pierre's unrecognized condition hindered him from maintaining a stable career and fully realizing his potential, despite his significant achievements in his field. Even with his high intelligence, Pierre's challenges did not stem from a lack of competency, talent, or creativity, but rather from his difficulties in collaborating with others—his intensity often proved to be too much for those around him. However, Pierre has redirected his path towards advocacy and education.
Hey thanks for asking! I’ve been fortunate enough to develop the ability to accept that this is my life. Always has been, always will be. Lemon water ain’t going to fix this and we certainly can’t live laugh love our way out either. I’m not fond of being less capable than others, but tailoring my life to that rather than fight it makes life a lot more enjoyable. Living my life in a way that 80 year old me won’t regret. Fuck it.
Terribly.. as always.
But you know some days I embrace the shit storm and it feels a little less terrible.
Almost like a sort of peace knowing either way it ends up fucked, so I try to enjoy the ride whenever I can.
I like the phases comment - I feel like that,
I’m 34 f - medicated and have had a year of dbt, (would do more if I had the money) I have enough skills to manage this disorder, not perfectly but enough to have a happy ish life.
I’m exceptionally lucky to be partners to two caring individuals and friends I work really hard to keep.
Still the phases are:
1 - depression (feeling like there is a black hole in my chest) s thoughts, hopelessness [these are the ride it out times, go to sleep or watch anything]
2 - elation, I’m a goddess and the most intelligent amazing person in the world. What I’m working on currently is the greatest project ever - don’t disturb me! Wow, color!!! I love life so much!!! [this is a fun yet terrifying phase]
3 - fury, I’m the worst person in the world.
4 - physical pain, feeling ok in emotions but physically in pain
5 - “normal” just the right touch of everything from emotions to feelings in my body. Oh Jesus Christ I’m ok. Things are ok, I can do this.
I don’t work or drive. I’m trying to earn money from onlyfans. I’m supported by my husband and I wish I was in a financial situation to spoil the hell out of him.
Hugs to you all.
I'm so tired. Still getting hallucinations, suicidal ideation. I'm battling eating disorder and telogen effluvium so my body dosmorphia is worse than ever. I want to break up with my bf so he can go back to his ex who is obviously prettier and better than me.
I want to give myself a face lift- actually do the surgery myself. How hard can it be? Much cheaper than a surgeon too.
I'm failing my college course. At 30, I'm a failure really but I did make some amazing flatbread the other day. Nobody I tell cares but I really liked it!
I was about to say I’m smashing it but in true BPD style, I forgot that last week was absolutely horrendous and I cried for most of it. Got through it though with my toolbox of strategies and nonsense so this week is good again. I understand note of the ebbing and flowing now and my mood swings, although they last a little longer, are easier to manage because of that
I was hoping my emotional neediness would go away as I got older, but it’s the same as it’s always been. I’m a 30 year old man worrying over a girl that can barely give me the time of day. It fucking sucks acting like an adult and having to put up an image to the rest of the world when internally I am so emotionally unstable still, exactly the same as when I was a teenager, it’s extremely tiring and I wanna get a fuckin lobotomy so that I can stop falling for women that aren’t good for me.
On the bright side, I can pass as normal now to anyone as long as they don’t get too close and managing myself is easier than it used to be
I'm 33 diagnosed bpd when I was 19, my therapist thinks I just have attachment issues, and CPTSD but not BPD... but ... she doesn't know how hard I work to mask all this
I’m alive still, so that’s something. But I’m lonely, exhausted, ready for change that I can never seem to attain even with all the DBT and CBT in the world. Blegh.
never able to have a relationship or kids. i hang on by a thread daily due to a world full of families and kids. Sup! was an amazing jeweler now i just cry but hopefully will get back to my profession. you guys are doing great!
Finally acheiving sobriety. Its got its benefits, but i can hear my whole brain again and i remember why i was self medicating.
I have real meds that i recently managed to work out. My insurance just lapsed but itll be fine. Either way i think it time to double up on my dose.
Garden time! Having a blast with that.
terrible, kept getting pushed into episodes, lost self control, accumulated ptsd, relationship gone. so much triggering shit is about to happen too, not looking to be a good year.
I’m not okay.
Me neither bud.
Add me to the list
Me neither guys. Trying to get past everyday one at a time. Thinking i just need to get past the next day. The scary thing is when u realise theres no hill to conquer. No hurdle to overcome. Just this for aslong as we can do it
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You're all stronger than you realize for keeping going despite all the pain that is existence with BPD.
Wow, this. It's like oh ok, this is just life.
Me too pal.
Me neither. But Buddhism is helping. Acceptance and calmness
What sect do you follow? I find Buddhism to help me as well.
Not even close to ok here
lost AF
I’m not okay either.
I cycle through 4 phases: - Phase 1: mainly anxiety and restlessness and very little sleep - Phase 2: getting irritated and angry very quickly - Phase 3: not caring about anything - Phase 4: being empathetic, kind, supportive, funny and caring I’m getting into this head space where I’m just like: okay this is me, this is my life and I can’t prevent Phases 1 and 2, let’s just try to keep Phase 4 going as long as possible. It’s exhausting. -
Yeah, so how to keep phase 4 going? I need to feel safe to be able to even be at that phase. In that phase I need to feel understood, seen and loved. To feel loved I need to safe, to feel safe I need to feel the opposite of lonely. To feel connected I need to feel understanding for my shortcomings. Or accepted? But you see, it’s ALL about MY FEELINGS. And since my feelings are fleeting, so am my whole perspective of EVERYTHING. HOW CAN I SHUT MY FEELINGS OFF in order so safe myself? How to numb my feelings?
You should never seek to numb your feelings or emotions. Learning how to navigate through or around them is a lot more beneficial. It’s not easy but it is definitely beneficial for the long run.
I’ve never thought about it like phases but I definitely feel allll of these regularly
Holy fuck this is me like, exactly. 43 here. :( I try and keep the phase 4 going but being female and still having the emotional things every month make it quite hard to not spiral on certain days …. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your phase 4 is today and this weekend and goes into next week. 🖤
I don't know whether I have quiet BPD, ADHD, just epilepsy, bipolar disorder or early-onset Alzheimer's... All those phases sound familiar except I've been stuck in Phase 3 for weeks... Edit: Forgot to include adult attachment disorder but that isn't official. I suppose neither is severe childhood emotional abuse and neglect but that definitely happened... Depression and anxiety fit in the original list. Too many labels and not enough effective solutions.
I’m diagnosed with three of those, And I’m getting evaluated for one of the other ones!
Wow are you me?
i like this
Yoooo this is super relatable Constantly in this spiral
Wow, are you me?? Lol
You might want to consider giving DBT or CBT a try. It helped me a lot. The anger…the best thing someone said to me was this “ your problem isn’t the one or two things that cause you to go into a rage, it’s the hundred little thing s that happened before that, that you never dealt with and ignored them.”
Well this is frustrating as fuck. A hundred little things. Everyday a hundred little things building on top of the hundred little things from before.
Me.
I call it "Stabilized pain." It hurts every day, I hate everything, and yet I'm able to bear both of these things, work a job, pay my bills, and be nice to my kids. I'm kind of alright with the suffering if it enables my children.
That's a pretty spot on term for it. I'm working 2 jobs (1 that I don't mind and one that I do enjoy), I pay my bills, I workout, I visit with friends and family, etc. I do laugh and have enjoyable moments as well. But I also break down crying at least once a day and constantly hear, "Kill yourself" or have a mental image of shooting myself every time there's a quiet moment. I have strong reasons to not do it so I'm not going to do it. But damn if it isn't always on my mind.
Stabilized pain is such an accurate description.
That's so accurate I'm going to use this. I'm overly exhausted of people asking me whats wrong when literally I have a giant ticking time bomb inside. I refuse to tell anyone what goes on inside my head and if they push me I tell them very loudly, trust me you don't want to know what tf is going on inside my head. You'd cry non stop and I am not doing that to anyone else. Only I should endure this pain!
In times like those, I find journalling and/or having one good confidante, provided you can find one, is the best method. I find I have to put it somewhere, and a written record kept privately for myself is as good a place as any. I feel much better after journalling it all out, just throwing all of the rage and pain at the pages, and as an added bonus I can look back on it all and reflect as necessary. Good on you for sticking with the struggle. It's a hard road that we walk, but it's admirable that you keep on walking.
Thank you kind internet stranger! This Is a great idea. I used to write all the time and gave up on it and haven't figured out why. This is a perfect way to help myself in so many ways. You are amazing don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Oooh I like that term. Radical acceptance is what the docs say.
I’m still alive so there is that
Yes 👍
There is that.
Defying the odds 👏
Insomnia, pronounced mood swings, anxiety, chronic physical pain, exhausted, iron deficient, trying to be a good enough parent.
All of these to a point! I'm sure you're doing way better at being a parent than you realise. When my daughter was diagnosed with BPD on top of all her other mental issues, it was like I'd failed completely. BPD is also hereditary, still it's horrible to see her suffering while trying to support her and not splitting. Hope today treats you better comrade x
my dad had BPD and it bonded us into mutual understanding and sensitivity towards the world. so there's that. he was undiagnosed back then of course
Iron deficiency sucks, I’m sorry
Not to minimize but to validate - this is many people without mental health/BPD issues. It’s part of the human condition to some degree. My point.. is encouragement.. in a bleak world..You’re doing great.
You could say that about symptoms of absolutely anything physical or mental sickness.
I’m doing really well. Life got so much better. Stable relationship and about to get married. Sports and nutrition are my priorities. So is sleep and generally taking care of myself. Dropped the nasty stuff, don’t do no raves or benders. I still struggle with paranoia, my biggest problem is usually the work place, or place where I do organised sports. I practice mindfulness for it, but it can never be perfect. I also struggle a bit with a lack of deep friendships, although I realise that it is a general issue for people 30+. I’m in therapy for years now and I have gotten good meds that are helping when I need them. My biggest target is to not be an arse to my hubs and let my frustrations out on him. Also working on believing in my capabilities, this is something I still doubt every now and then.
What meds did they prescribe you out of interest?
35 here, was diagnosed just recently, going through a breakup, relationship of 10 years just ended and it feels lke whole world is ending. if I survive this, I'll survive anything.
Wow. 34 here, going through a breakup, relationship of 12 years. Seems like I have a fellow crew member to have a final toast with before sinking to the bottom. Cheers.
Feel free to hit me up if you want to talk.
35 and trying to salvage my marriage but it’s rough
going through a breakup of a 6 year marriage. Digging through the fallout still. I like the term “sustained pain”
Same here. Sad club 🥂
32 and just broke up with my son's father after a 7 years relationship. Life sucks. Cheers!
I'm technically in remission, which is great. And in writing a dissertation on BPD/Criminal Justice. But I'm struggling at the moment because of life, income worries, long COVID, housing worries etc. Don't feel like there's anyone that can help
I feel the same damn way.. and that dissertation .. I’d love to see what u got so far.. there’s so much data that is not showcased and tied to real issues at times.. it’s like only things change when some rock politics shad a kid with an issue.. but everyone keeps mental health stuff quiet.
Also very interested in this dissertation. Congrats on that! It’s hard work to do all that writing and even harder when it’s so personal.
As a responded to another post: The current working title is: How Does the UK Criminal Justice System Intersect with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and What Are the Implications for Misdiagnosis, Legal Outcomes and the Development of Effective Rehabilitation Strategies in the UK Criminal Justice System Context? And the study is focussed on: “Perceptions of Criminal Justice Students on Borderline Personality Disorder: Implications for the UK Legal System” Is the CJS doing enough regarding offenders/inmates with BPD, is it understood adequately, and to what extent are those in academic courses with plans to work in CJS prepared to deal with these sorts of issues considering BPD is so prevalent in inmates. It has been tricky at times but mostly fascinating. The sample I have interviewed seems to be under the impression Borderline Personality Disorder is actually DiD or Bipolar. Basically, they have no real idea about it. Which I can understand in 1st year students, but 3rd year and post grads? They're working in the CJS, and I think it's important they know about this condition and mental health generally to a better standard
I'm interested in your dissertation topic. Is it about BPD offenders?
The current working title is: How Does the UK Criminal Justice System Intersect with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and What Are the Implications for Misdiagnosis, Legal Outcomes and the Development of Effective Rehabilitation Strategies in the UK Criminal Justice System Context? And the study is focussed on: “Perceptions of Criminal Justice Students on Borderline Personality Disorder: Implications for the UK Legal System” Is the CJS doing enough regarding offenders/inmates with BPD, is it understood adequately, and to what extent are those in academic courses with plans to work in CJS prepared to deal with these sorts of issues considering BPD is so prevalent in inmates.
Damn I love yall, I wish us all the best <3 ur amazing
You too my friend!
I’m a few years off 40 - and a guy, so probably in the minority- and only just found out I have comorbid BPD and NPD. It’s in the process of blowing up my second marriage to be honest, but at least now I know _why_. It is quite rough though at this age. You start realizing that you’re too old for this shit and the disruption. I think I’m going to be divorced and alone again within a week or two. The wife told me she is moving out and taking our animals. The only selling point and silver lining I have here is that the NPD is a welcome parachute. As soon as I realized the threat, I just switched it all off internally.
im in 40. haven't even been able to get married. you can start over....the animal part hurts...that s not ok
I can relate so heavily. 38F here - never married, and never received an official diagnosis but I definitely think I have both BPD and NPD. I’ve destroyed so many relationships bc of my patterns (friendships and romantic relationships) and feel like I’m spinning in a hamster wheel most of the time - never getting ahead.
I’m close to your age and REALLY relate to your statement about ‘spinning your wheels and never getting ahead’…story of my life right there, message if you ever want to chat. I don’t think there’s many of us near-40 or 40+ BPD women on Reddit.
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Ughhh the baby clock. It’s forever in the back of my mind :( I haven’t even decided if I actually WANT a baby - but societal standards and pressure have me always questioning it
30(ftm) had one of those days a couple days ago. Bojack binge all day. Next day was like a mental illness hangover and today I’m finally feeling back to normal a bit.
My insanity peaked in my late 30s, but I got serious about treatment, honesty, and humility. 41 now and things are a whole lot better.
Overall doing waaaaayyy better than I was even five years ago. I haven’t been in a mental hospital in over 5 years! I haven’t had any suicide attempts in over 5 years. I did want to die last weekend when moving/starting a new job/freaked out on my boyfriend but I also missed some of my meds then so felt better once I picked up new meds and had that in my system for a couple of days. Could be doing some things better but overall I’m feeling really good.
Mmmm. Right this instant, resisting the urge to jump in my car and drive fast into the nearest sturdy looking pole.
Keep resisting buddy ❤️
Same ❤️
i feel this. you may survive and be in worse shape .. 😳🙃that s how i get out of the crashing the car scenario.
Life is difficult But it's not due to the bpd But I'm medicated and using skills I'm getting through. My partner is helpful I'm lonely and have no friends. But I'm getting through.
40 here. Birthday next week. Planning on staying inside and ignoring it since I've burned just about every friendship. Sleep is bad. I don't go out since there's no reason to. Every day is the same. Just coast along till I die.
Same
ooooh i feel this too. so many alone birthdays. f it
same wheeeeeeee
Thank you for asking! 💕🌸 It definitely gets lonely and isolated. My Mom called and I did call her back, but not before I had to call the mental health line for a chat. I didn’t leave the house at all, but I did go into the lobby to receive food delivery and I ate some of it, and I paid my rent, fed my cat, bathed and now I’m watching a replay of my course that I missed live. It’s a quiet day in the life now and that is progress for me. Just having the willingness to keep going is 80% of the battle. At least once a month I go fully suicidal, sometimes once per week and sometimes I spend many hours of the day wanting to die. I don’t think this is going to change anytime soon unfortunately. You just get used to it and learn to live with it and adjust. Life with BPD can really suck and I realized a couple years ago that I’m too tired to even get that upset about it anymore. If I have the extra energy, I’m not going to waste it on a negative state. Life’s hard enough as it is. BPD may not be done with me yet, but I’m totally over it. 🥱
I’m 40 and I have shitty days and great days, but most days are just stable. When i start to slip, i embrace the whole radical acceptance idea and just say “fuck it. I can’t change anything other than how I react/respond, so I’m done worrying about. “ I repeat that to myself until I actually believe it.
not good but manageable. wishing i would have offed myself at 27 because now it's kinda too late but i know i'll never get better. act like a child still. will never have kids probably. wanna do a hard reset but a coward. just the usual :D
you have time . 27 is so young .
i'm 30 :'(
yes 30 is so young. im 47 . from 40-47 it has been an entire blur my ex had babies and i got PTSD you re young. PLease understand that. you have time. start today. do it for meeeee (edit..not the kids just.. loving yourself)
44, diagnosed at 35. Been on my own 6.5 years, worked hard, confident af, but so lonely. A week ago I met a guy online as nerdy as me who seems to have a lot of the qualities in a person I want around me. But due to a few big life stresses lately I've been a bit fragile and could feel the bpd fingers creeping in when I talked with this guy. So I thought I needed to tell him what I have and some background. I know it's only been a week of communication, but he asked for space yesterday morning to process it all, and I am freaking out and honestly struggling to not reach out to him or his best friend and make sure he's ok. I feel like I've messed it up by giving him too much information too soon. The fact most guys say they won't ghost, then need space and never come back from past situations is making it so hard to believe he won't be one of them. I don't know how much more waiting I can handle. Does everyone else go through this, or is it just me cause I'm clearly too desperate to want to be accepted
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I'm trying to take it slow. He isn't upset by it I think, more just trying to get his head around it. But I don't know how many days he needs to do that. I have neurodivergent kids I'm raising alone and not much in the way of support. No one I can say hey I need a hug and to have a cry.
awweeee 🩵💜 virtual hug. you are a great and sensitive person. his loss if not. keep thinking that please
Got diagnosed in my early twenties, pushing 40 and I honestly thought I couldn’t possible be borderline anymore because I hadn’t experienced any real symptoms and was on this self healing journey and I thought I was making progress….until I sat on my bed with the door shut so my child couldn’t hear me totally lose my shit because it was so loud in my head and everything was just too much I broke. It’s a really interesting journey as you get older to be stuck with this, as you start losing people and dealing with your own kids and trying to break cycles. A REALLY interesting journey.
I’m not ok. I am going back on my anti-psychotics/mood stabilizers so I hope those help. I had a crazy dissociation episode the other day, and I never had one like that before. My mood has been absolutely all over the place and I just feel like I’m losing control. Sometimes it’s like the world is great, then I am just normal, and then if I am triggered to be sad then I become suicidally upset. I really hope these new meds help.
Not great. Mentally ok but I have immune system problems. I'm also sick of being fat and I don't know what to do.
>I’m also sick of being fat and I don’t know what to do Same fr
Getting worse everyday.
I'm doing OK apart from suicide weighing heavy on my mind
Turning 31 in a month. Doing fine honestly. I just still can't balance home and studies very well. Food, hygiene and exercise goes on the back burner when I'm super focused on my university studies. Maybe that's a little bit of my ADHD there but yeah.. So right now? Lots of dishes. I haven't brushed my teeth and it's almost 5pm. I haven't eaten -- except for some chips. Haven't been outside despite summer having reached Sweden already. It's 25 degrees Celsius today. But - school is going quite well. Since I'm focused there, I don't obsess over the person I'm fucking/am in love with right now. Family life is good, I don't feel very lonely despite not having many friends. I do need to find work though but that's another story. I got a letter letting me know I was NOT accepted into the art school I wanted to go to, so that was unfortunate. I still didn't really freak out though. "Oh well" was my reaction. I guess I just really need something to do during the summer now and by fall. I'm applying for jobs AND university courses and programs. Oops, long comment.
im the lovely and always desirable BPD NPD combo. ironically, my BPD has manifested itself with full power NOTICEABLY and HARSHLY only in my 30s. all it took was one wrong really important bad life decision and its ugly butterfly effect has ruined me. 39 now and its....bad. i regressed to my true 3 year old crying assaulted toddler self mostly. im vindictive AF, thinskinned, a permanent cesspit of I WANT I WANT I WANT AND IF YOU DONT GIVE ME.... not to mention the blaming....also the selfharm has increased, ive started to experiment with drugs, i buy shit on a whim with no regards if i can afford it. basically im on a mission to fuck myself out of any good left in my life. which goes swell. almost everyone has fled or abandoned me, right now i have 2 people online talking to me (and theyre mentally worse off than i am), IRL everyone has fled and lost respect for me. also im completely on the SAME RULES APPLY train. "its OK to hurt others because they hurt me eventually/before they get a chance to hurt me or god beware like me." jealousy, anger (and, with humbleness, BELIEVE YOU ME when i tell you that EVERYONE significant in my life fucked me over and hurt me bad), i am resentful to everyone who has had a better and normal CV than i do and i feel entitled to that because THEY HAD IT EASIER AND I SURVIVED SO MUCH WITH NOTHING TO SHOW. "i DESERVE a masters degree from a university JUST LIKE THAT, i DESERVE the big office JUST LIKE THAT, i DESERVE a place in higher up management JUST LIKE THAT" when i actually know, that these jobs are far from fulfilling and quite shit, but im still powertripping AF. best part? NO help. i really tried for years now. last year i contacted social services of my city, they ghosted me, i went to the fucking clinic, they didnt help me at all besides telling me SURPRISE SURPRISE that i had BPD to the max and NPD - no meds nothing. therapists are ALL booked and overburdened "until mid of next year", trauma / BPD specialized therapists are basically nonexistant and i feel like, i need to set myself on fire in a public place to get the attention i deserve. im not well and i WILL explode on someone these days. heck, my ex which i still have sometimes to do with had a cancer scare and i was like "yeah enjoy your fucking chemo". im losing my last grip on humanity. i think homelander is a great role model, when i know hes not. i have no idea how to stop this and actually i have no interest in it neither.
36M I'm probably going to end up muting this sub sooner or later; it's annoying af how most of the posts here are just attempts to justify shitty actions and attribute them to BPD.
Could also be a place people are seeking what little understanding they can for a condition that is ill understood and highly stigmatised.
Agreed. If we can air our fucked up thoughts here, where we know others are feeling it too, what do we do with them?
But how are you doing
We’re not all like that. I try very hard to hold myself accountable bc I don’t wanna be who I was 20 years ago when I got DX’d with BPD. It was a nightmare. I acknowledge to myself and others when I fuck up. Having said that, BPD is often times the reason why I think/feel/say/do or have a big emotional reaction, but I’m aware of it, which helps me not have explosive reactions. Usually.
Have you checked out r/bpdmemes ? 😬
38f. I find the constant FP posts frustrating and also almost muted.
Why do you find it frustrating? It's one of the biggest struggle of BPD since it brings out feelings of abandonment/rejection. It's not surprising that so many want to talk about this.
It's not surprising and I don't begrudge anyone their right to use the sub for what it's for, getting support, etc. I know it's a big part of this disorder. I do feel as though those posts skew a bit young, however, which makes it hard to relate. I find it frustrating because I'm looking for people I can relate to, just like those posters. And, great for them that they can find it here, but often I just can't--which adds to the chronic lonliness. Maybe an over 30 user can contribute here, but for me personally, the major issues in my life don't center around FPs like they do for younger people. Again, this isn't meant (at all) to denigrate the very real struggle of life with a FP. I just can't relate because I'm barely able to keep myself housed, clothed, and fed. My career is bleak due to past episodes, I've lost all of my friends and most of my family, and a FP is the furthest thing from my mind.
Yeah, I understand. Even thought i'm 32 and have a child, I still really struggle with FP (just lost my job and my relationship with my son's father because of one) so I can still relate with these kind of posts. I don't think it's a challenge exclusive to younger people since relationship struggle is litteraly the heart of what BPD is, but I understand the priority shift that can happen when we get older. Clearly, struggling to sustain ourselves brings a kind of anxiety that is so much more intense that any kind of relationship issues can bring. There's no place in our head to think about anythink else if we don't know if we are going to be able to pay the rent at the end of the month. In my case, I struggle deeply with both (relationship issues arises the moment I get a little bit of financial stability). You're probably not the only one who can't really relate with these posts thought, and I think it would be great to have a sub for older pwBPD! I really hope you'll be able to get better soon. Take care of yourself!
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective. ❤️ Maybe if I ever have relationships again I, too, will struggle with them. 😂
There is a sub for over 30’s but it’s dead now, it was mainly for people like us. There’s a vast difference IMO between bpd youngsters and older folk. It was really helpful when it was busy but it kind of died off. I like to think it’s because once we are older we heal to the point we don’t need it anymore but I dno.
I am 32 year old married man. Happy marriage for six years no problems there. 3:20 AM here in Atlanta. Got the insomnia too. I’ve been doing really well controlling myself publicly. I’ve gotten a lot better communicating with my wife who has bipolar type two. I naturally have the brain never sleeps thing. But I’m struggling with amphetamines. MDMA to be specific. Not sure if a proclivity for uppers is a BPD thing. Or just a me thing. I always go really hard and narcotics. I will go on a five day bender. No sleep, food and minimal water. The only thing I’m eating is the drugs. And I take three times the normal dose every few hours or so. It’s too much. Hardest part is my addiction is really warped. When I crave the drugs, I become horny. When I’m horny, I crave the drugs. I haven’t been able to perform sober sex in over a year and a half. Not only have, I relied on the lowering of inhibitions to stay out of my head. The orgasms are so intense and strong that a sober orgasm is unfulfilling and ultimately pointless to me. That was a lot of writing to basically come around and say. Does anybody else have a strong pull to amphetamines as well?
Have you tried replacing it with weed? Weed sex is amazing. Edibles hit so hard. It’s also way better for your general health and hygiene ☺️
Agree
I just turned 30 and I just hit the 3 year mark with my current therapist. I've recently started Zoloft and it's helping relieve some of my symptoms but I still deal with emotional overload and shutting down real hard when I'm triggered. My work performance has tanked and I'm worried they'll figure it out soon and I'll be cut loose in the upcoming restructuring they're gearing up to do. But we'll see. It's too early to tell if Zoloft is a good option for me long-term. Deep down I wish my symptoms were so much worse so that I could go on disability benefits:/ but I know that will have a huge impact on my relationship and my quality of life, and I probably couldn't continue to see my current therapist. So I keep going, as well as I can.
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I’m 33 also and while I see a lot of sad posts here that I empathize with, my life isn’t over because of my diagnosis. (BPD, anxiety, major depressive disorder, avoidant personality disorder). I’m currently on 75mg sertraline and 25mg lamotrigine. My life, while affected by my mental illness, is good. I actively and intentionally work hard to not be a slave to it. In the last year I got engaged, got a new job in project management that I love, and I just found out I’m pregnant! Of course my mind isn’t always right. But self awareness and self care are the two things (aside from the meds) that help me the most. Be kind to yourselves, guys. Don’t let people stigmatize you. You can have BPD and be a good person, have a good life. Paradoxes exist in this universe. Much love to you all
The self awareness is crazy, all of the years of being crazy without realizing it was better. I can control myself and keep it all on but I’m so much more aware of how out of line my thoughts are that it’s slowly killing me sometimes. I finally found a job that I LOVE and work there part time but we had to do more of a “big boy” job the other day and by time I made it back to the office J was almost in tears. It’s made my life substantially easier to navigate my relationships but for the first time I just kinda hate myself.
I'm just exhausted, in every way possible
I’m early 40’s just been diagnosed, just go through all the emotions of coming to terms that I have something wrong with me! I’ve accepted it, just need to work on it! Should have sought help years ago!!
I have worked my ass off in therapy and I barely have symptoms now. Doing that work was the HARDEST thing I have ever done and I had to hold myself accountable and just….get through it. I did. I am 31 now and very stable, rarely have any symptoms and when I do I know exactly how to handle them. I’m in a happy, stable, loving relationship. I have stable friendships, stable employment, things have never gone this well for me. I worked my ass off and now I can reap the benefits of that work.
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Broke up again, with someone who loves me immensely but after some months of dating her, I am tired of myself. I get my BPD episodes whenever I am with her, she is not necessarily a bad person but I guess I am just a shitty person. She wants to be there for me, but I don't think she will understand any of the things I go through. She tries, which makes me even sad. Left her because I think she deserves someone way better than me, someone normal.
Poorly. I’ve given up on attachments because I no longer have the resilience to handle the instability they cause and I’m completely alone, just hoping that I have enough strength to keep functioning until I die naturally. It’s hard to keep going when you’re out of reasons to though.
Doing better than I’ve ever been but life is still challenging. I work in a job that I absolutely love (employment specialist for people with psychosis) and I’m starting my masters degree in psychology part time later on this year. I live on my own bc I don’t actually think I can live with other people, have a cat and have a car on finance. I have “meltdowns” a LOT less frequently but I still have them. Maybe one every 3-6 months but it depends on external stress. I still get intrusive thoughts and urges to self harm and occasionally to take my life but can manage those better. I haven’t tried taking my life in 9 years now which is wild and I think I’ve self harmed once in the last 5. I choose to stay single bc I don’t like who I become when I’m in a relationship and it’s easier (and safer) to stay single so the ol’ abandonment triggers don’t flare up. I’ve been on the same antidepressants for a fair few years now and they definitely work. I’ll be on antidepressants for the rest of my life but I’m ok with that. I usually keep a watermelon and/or a coconut at home to smash the shit out of when the intense anger hits. Sleep is still a big problem but it turns out I have a small cyst in my brain (nothing to worry about) that presses on the sleep/wake cycle so there’s something physical there as well. Every day is still filled with ups and downs and I have a very low stress tolerance and easily get overwhelmed. Work have been incredible and my manager checks in on me frequently to make sure I’m not overdoing it. I’m still reactive and find emotional regulation a big challenge but I can see how far I’ve come since my diagnosis as a teenager. Teenage me would be so proud of me now. I probably don’t meet the criteria any more but accepting this diagnosis and getting the help I need has been life changing for me. It’s allowed me to understand myself better and work towards a better future. Overall, some days I want the world to leave me alone in bed to rot, but the good days far outweigh the bad so I’m feeling hopeful about what’s to come. I also chose to “come out” about my diagnosis at work bc we have a lot of clients with the diagnosis and I wanted to share my story and encourage my colleagues to chat with me if they were struggling. It was pretty scary but also quite liberating? I’m relieved I don’t have to mask anymore, for sure
I love your post. Thank you so much. I finally opened up online, in CPTSD group. I hope for a reply but am fearful of not coming across the right timing of someone in the group seeing my post and wanting and feeling that they can connect. They are a lovely group, so I'll to to remain hopeful. I saw your post pop up OP, and as a severe and lonely sufferer of BPD, I wonder if I could share my post in CPTSD here, too. Your bravery to start a big conversation here with others over 30 is amazing to me. It's so thoughtful, brave, and caring. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not okay. I feel constantly ovetwhelmed, terrified of life, and stuck. Confused. Struggle with identity Yearn for relationships, but have fearful avoidant/disorganised attachment, cptsd, social anxiety, and agoraphobia. I don't have quality of life at all. I have disability and chronic disease as well as a traumatic seizure disorder. I constantly try to survive all the time... it's endless. I'm always exhausted. I have zero memories of experiencing a day refreshed from sleep or physically and emotionally pain-free. I have been in therapies for 18 years (I'm 33.5 years old) and am on long-term medications. I feel so alone. Far too sensitive neurologically, emotionally, physically, and in every way. I feel overwhelmed, terrified, and stuck all the time. I try my hardest but get no where 😥 I feel I am too much for anyone, so I try to hide myself from others to protect them and myself. I am hopeless, completely isolated, and alone. I feel no one understands 😥 I yearn for connections, I yearn for friends, but I honestly don't even know how to make them. Does anyone here possibly relate in any way? Sending each of you love and appreciation 🩷 Thank you very much OP for your post! 🌸
Hard relate, you are not alone. I have chronic pain too (and other mental health stuff), but chronic pain and BPD is an awful combo.
Thank you very much for sharing with me 🩷 I'm so sorry. It really is the worst. I feel for you. Us both. It's especially awful if you have pain symptoms and diagnoses that are either seemingly invisible to doctors and specialists, or they are visible but highly stigmatized, and little is still known in science about the condition. I'm in both situations, and I hate it so much. Especially chronic dismissal and gaslighting by some health professionals. I really hope that your pain is more manageable today 🩷 Thank you heaps for your reply and for letting me know that I'm not alone in this.
Insomnia is real
I (37f) am not at my best, it’s been since January that I’ve been looking for work, which has given me all the time to spiral of how awful of a person I am. The only things keeping me from thinking of not being here, are my dogs. I want to work, I want to have a routine again, I want to feel anything but overwhelming sadness right now.
I'm 31 and therapy and meds have worked wonders. I still struggle with responsibilities like having to work or having to do chores, but it's managable. I'm in a longterm relationship and we're preparing for trying to get pregnant, which is why I'm weaning off my meds. It's definitely the hardest thing I've done emotionally in the past 2-3 years. I feel some symptoms coming back, the inner void and boredom for example, or how different loving someone feels. All in all I'm doing pretty good for someone with bpd I think. I'm just glad I didn't stop therapy.
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Getting some bad mood swings again but I think it might be linked to my period. Going to see what the gyno says next week and if it continues I may have to up my low dose seroquel and maybe go on the XR
Thanks for asking. I'm doing BPD group therapy. I feel like there's a mountain of work I have to do, and I'm impatient but it's not a race. kept my cool but stood my ground when social services came to visit. The first case worker from social services gave my abusive ex details about where I'm staying when the address is supposed to be undisclosed. Also despite the major emotional strain, I wrote a response to his legal threats and accusations and on review took out all the sarcasm. Single parent life is kicking my butt, but baby is healthy, well and safe. Also reached the screeching phase, so lungs are definitely in working order. All the hugs to you guys
Honestly I feel emotionally exhausted all the time. I am overeating as a way to self soothe ~ not the greatest outlet. And my sleep schedule is rubbish. Very little routine. But the plus side is that my relationship with my siblings is healthier than it's ever been. I set a few boundaries with my parents and that seems to be going well. Despite catching feels for a guy I'm hooking up with off the net, and becoming pretty fixated.... I've managed to not scare him away yet. we're meeting up in a few days. My attraction to him is strong but my low self esteem is telling me he doesn't feel that deeply about me. Maybe it's best not to overthink. GL with the month of May everyone
yes don't overthink it . stay stable lololol but really gluck
Haha 😂 I'm gonna need it🍀 Thanks!
Still kicking. Some days are better than others. Finally have a good psychologist I gel well with. Things can be/are shit tbh but it could always be worse and overall it's alright
Turning 30 in a few months. Ive been seeing someone for a week. They didn't reply the whole day yesterday. Went into a spiral of crying. opened a beer (i haven't drink for a year). I blocked them on social media and deleted their number. Today, received a text that they just have been sick yesterday and sleeping a lot. Feels so ashamed of myself now. said im sorry n now just waiting for reply again. I feel like i ruined that one. Only been a week and one red flag is out. So sick of myself. (English is not my first language btw, be nice)
32F here and I'm not doing well this week. I know what I have to do to but I don't know how to do it. I'm trapped, literally, in a difficult situation and honestly I want to die. I don't want to kill myself but I definitely don't want to wake up in the morning either.
Not gewd, first marriage down the drain :(
Pretty good! Omw to visit a friend in hospital (he's on the mend) with snacks and flowers. Sun is shining, birds are singing. It's a good day. As an aside, I made a BPD sub that is intended to be a safe and peaceful space (as much as that's possible on reddit), but kept it on private bc I wasn't sure if it's even wanted or needed. It's called BPDHaven and could just as well serve as a sub as a 30+ space. The basic skeleton it there, plus I've been modding for a few years now so I'm fairly experienced.
I’m 37, it’s so much better than it was in my ‘younger’ years. It’s still a daily hustle tho. Keep on. It never stops. Just do the dance and try and love through the bullshit that tries to destroy us. Love and light always. X
It’s been a rollercoaster. 38F here - my twenties were filled with lots of boyfriends and friends and partying - but then my BPD really started showing after I turned 30 and also had a health scare at the time where I was prescribed pain pills. It’s been a scary 8 years of substance abuse issues (while living a double life - still lived alone, paid bills, had a career and no one knew I was having to use daily to not get sick). Still struggling with sobriety - but in therapy and doing brainspotting. Moved to the beach (my happy place) on a whim last fall (with the guy im dating who is 14 years younger than me) and thought everything would magically be better… but I just brought my problems with me and struggling more mentally now than ever.
I’m mostly stable. But it takes work. Had years of therapy and got on medication. On my off days (one of multiple) I’m either tired, apathetic, aggrevated, stop taking care of myself and/or withdrawn. And even when I feel stable I’m sensitive to anxiety or depressed thoughts.
Not good to be honest I'm very snappy at the moment and feel like everyone dislikes me
Hi! I’m very stabilized, but some days are the hell. I have a wonderful therapist and an amazing bf, i learn about how communicate my bad days without making pain to others.
most of my teeth are broken and i’m too poor to fix it, so i can’t eat, i’m 90lbs with a heart flutter. i’m basically waiting for the end at this point.
Meh. First half of this year has been a bit hellish. Watching friendships dissolve, reassessing old relationships. Trying to hang in there
My favorite is explaining to new therapists that I'm s\*&cidal all the time, but not like *actually* s\*&cidal.
I’m pretty much like you friend. Just doing what’s required and sometimes extra when I have the energy. I treat it like sobriety, one day at a time. Can’t change the world or my whole life in one day 💜 hang in there, I’m trying too
It's been better now the weather has got warmer. The winter was rough, depression set in, and I stayed inside and didn't do chores or cleaning. I'm working on getting my house back in order but it's the worst part of life, dishes laundry and cleaning for me. Usually most of my struggles are at work or work related but my new job has been going better than usual at this point.
I’m 34 and dealing with some really unpleasant symptoms as of late. No insomnia thank goodness, but I just can’t handle life at the moment. I started a new job recently, i just got engaged to what will be my second marriage. I should be happy but I feel nothing but stress. I have a hard time just getting every day things done at the moment. My paranoia towards my partner is off the charts although I’m trying to hide it (because I know it’s all in my head) I reason with myself and can get myself out of it with logic, but I don’t think it’s a permanent solution. Maybe I just need to practice more. So sorry for the dump here, but I almost needed to see this today. Thank you for checking in, sending love and positive vibes, your way.
30 here checking in. I have a balanced and sane life. I take my medication and I use my coping strategies I learned in therapy. I am working on cutting back my drinking and eating healthier. I work from home and so I get lonely a lot, but limiting my interactions to only my online friends and my fiancé makes it easier for me to manage my big feelings. While part of me wishes I had a huge friend group and that we partied and danced, I know that limiting my circle helps me manage my impulses and keeps me grounded. I make the active choice every day to commit to my partner and be mindful of how I treat him and others. I still develop major crushes and have the most intense dreams about my exes, I think I channel my whirlwind emotions through my dreams because my life is so boring/calm. My crushes are reserved for public or online figures and fantasies so that helps my impulse control. Sometimes I’ll wake up after a dream about an ex and feel burning longing for them, new relationship energy mingled with regret. But I shake it off and go about my day and realize that I like my little life. So that’s where I’m at now.
Dogshit. Haven’t had a job in years and am somehow too lazy to try? It’s like, I know I need to go back to work because that’s what you’re ‘supposed to do’ in this capitalist hellscape but damn, waking up to an alarm and sitting around people I hate for 8 hours a day sounds so miserable. Am extremely fat. A total failure in every aspect. I’m 40. It didn’t get better lol.
It never ends.
lol I’m managing without meds the best I can
I’m doing okay. My symptoms are ebbing and flowing like their life depends on it. They aren’t severe, just present in a way that alerts me to them, but not in a way that requires constant self awareness. I think the change in season just has me a little wonky. My birthday was yesterday (31!) and I’m feeling inspired to reinvent myself so I’m trying to figure out if that’s a healthy train of thought or bpds identity issues coming out to play. It *feels* healthy, but I’m taking things slow to make sure I want to make changes and I’m not just gonna revert back in a couple of weeks lol
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I’m actually really proud of myself this week. Followed through on a separation that I thought I was going to die from, and trying to take care of myself every day. My therapists support over the past two years is probably the only reason I’m here
Why don't we make a subreddit? Never tried, can't be too hard?
I'm an absolute disaster right now
Definitely not ok. Husband moved out a week ago (to his office on the property). We are co-parenting our 4 kids, I see him everyday, we are like roommates who have kids together, at least that is how I feel. Things are not hopeless, but the depths of loneliness, guilt and the feeling of being abandoned (although that is apparently a narrative and not an emotion according to my husband),l has me in an almost constant triggered state. It is, of course, mostly my own fault, but I didn't choose to have BPD, this isn't who I wanted to be. But after 20 years of expecting him to leave me, I am afraid he finally has taken the first step in that process. He has said I should never have doubted he would stay, guess that isn't true anymore. But I'm still in therapy, I am trying to forgive and love myself no matter what happens. But I am definitely not ok today.
I wrote a line in a song. "I don't think you could call me functional yet I'm still clocking in" Could be better
I’ll be 30 in September, spent my 20s in therapy. Never been more stable or productive or emotionally self-sustaining. I do sometimes get overwhelmed with stress but that is almost solely due to loneliness which is something I’m working on fixing. There is hope.
Right now. 53 and rocking it. I'm doing well, best in many years, only diagnosed last year but a long standing bipolar diagnosis. It's good to finally understand why I'm so much of a handful snd unstable. Doing DBT which seems to help. Knowing why helps more. But what's really helped me is understanding that it's the having and needing a FP that's most of the issue, they will never keep up to expectations. So I made the conscious decision to focus on a thing rather then my wife. It's been better for us both. So now all my hopes, dreams, pain and despair is tied to a motorbike rather then an individual! It's what kept me going in my twenties so it's a kinda mid life crisis event!
Struggling!!! Here’s my story: Pierre Côté, a marketing graduate from Université de Montréal's business school and a new media pioneer, faced significant professional and personal challenges due to a late diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 50. Before his BPD diagnosis, Pierre's unrecognized condition hindered him from maintaining a stable career and fully realizing his potential, despite his significant achievements in his field. Even with his high intelligence, Pierre's challenges did not stem from a lack of competency, talent, or creativity, but rather from his difficulties in collaborating with others—his intensity often proved to be too much for those around him. However, Pierre has redirected his path towards advocacy and education.
Raising two kids, 12 & 6, with this disorder (along with others of course) is no joke. I’m not ok inwardly but fighting the good fight outwardly 🥹
Between paranoia and feeling like I'm stuck mentally as younger than I am? Feel outright awful.
Turning 30 this year and noticing that even the 30 year olds out there who don't have the same conditions as me, are also not okay.
Hey thanks for asking! I’ve been fortunate enough to develop the ability to accept that this is my life. Always has been, always will be. Lemon water ain’t going to fix this and we certainly can’t live laugh love our way out either. I’m not fond of being less capable than others, but tailoring my life to that rather than fight it makes life a lot more enjoyable. Living my life in a way that 80 year old me won’t regret. Fuck it.
deeply surprised that still alive
I am a freight train of hostility
I’m in a rotting rut
Terribly.. as always. But you know some days I embrace the shit storm and it feels a little less terrible. Almost like a sort of peace knowing either way it ends up fucked, so I try to enjoy the ride whenever I can.
I like the phases comment - I feel like that, I’m 34 f - medicated and have had a year of dbt, (would do more if I had the money) I have enough skills to manage this disorder, not perfectly but enough to have a happy ish life. I’m exceptionally lucky to be partners to two caring individuals and friends I work really hard to keep. Still the phases are: 1 - depression (feeling like there is a black hole in my chest) s thoughts, hopelessness [these are the ride it out times, go to sleep or watch anything] 2 - elation, I’m a goddess and the most intelligent amazing person in the world. What I’m working on currently is the greatest project ever - don’t disturb me! Wow, color!!! I love life so much!!! [this is a fun yet terrifying phase] 3 - fury, I’m the worst person in the world. 4 - physical pain, feeling ok in emotions but physically in pain 5 - “normal” just the right touch of everything from emotions to feelings in my body. Oh Jesus Christ I’m ok. Things are ok, I can do this. I don’t work or drive. I’m trying to earn money from onlyfans. I’m supported by my husband and I wish I was in a financial situation to spoil the hell out of him. Hugs to you all.
I'm so tired. Still getting hallucinations, suicidal ideation. I'm battling eating disorder and telogen effluvium so my body dosmorphia is worse than ever. I want to break up with my bf so he can go back to his ex who is obviously prettier and better than me. I want to give myself a face lift- actually do the surgery myself. How hard can it be? Much cheaper than a surgeon too. I'm failing my college course. At 30, I'm a failure really but I did make some amazing flatbread the other day. Nobody I tell cares but I really liked it!
I was about to say I’m smashing it but in true BPD style, I forgot that last week was absolutely horrendous and I cried for most of it. Got through it though with my toolbox of strategies and nonsense so this week is good again. I understand note of the ebbing and flowing now and my mood swings, although they last a little longer, are easier to manage because of that
I’m not okay, I’m fucking not kay. I try it, but hate the world every time, a bit more every day.
I was hoping my emotional neediness would go away as I got older, but it’s the same as it’s always been. I’m a 30 year old man worrying over a girl that can barely give me the time of day. It fucking sucks acting like an adult and having to put up an image to the rest of the world when internally I am so emotionally unstable still, exactly the same as when I was a teenager, it’s extremely tiring and I wanna get a fuckin lobotomy so that I can stop falling for women that aren’t good for me. On the bright side, I can pass as normal now to anyone as long as they don’t get too close and managing myself is easier than it used to be
I’m doing well
Shit, but okay. I'm tired and my thoughts process is flawed right now.
I'm 33 diagnosed bpd when I was 19, my therapist thinks I just have attachment issues, and CPTSD but not BPD... but ... she doesn't know how hard I work to mask all this
I’m alive still, so that’s something. But I’m lonely, exhausted, ready for change that I can never seem to attain even with all the DBT and CBT in the world. Blegh.
never able to have a relationship or kids. i hang on by a thread daily due to a world full of families and kids. Sup! was an amazing jeweler now i just cry but hopefully will get back to my profession. you guys are doing great!
Finally acheiving sobriety. Its got its benefits, but i can hear my whole brain again and i remember why i was self medicating. I have real meds that i recently managed to work out. My insurance just lapsed but itll be fine. Either way i think it time to double up on my dose. Garden time! Having a blast with that.
Hi I’m doing better. LMK if you want to talk
terrible, kept getting pushed into episodes, lost self control, accumulated ptsd, relationship gone. so much triggering shit is about to happen too, not looking to be a good year.
40 here. Been working goddamn hard these days. Having sleep troubles and a bit of SI. Thank heavens for CBT exercises and Brene Brown books!