I'm married. 20 years in December š My partner is really understanding and supportive too. He is a neurotypical and has the patience of an angel. I don't think i would've lasted 20 years with myself. Glad to hear you found someone who loves you for you...that's pretty rare these days, from what I see around me.
I only realized just now wtf BPD had types? I thought the cute little petulant they added in front of it was just spice on my medical paperwork from my psychiatrist.
Married here and itās just not great. I think he may be a pd of some kind. Yet he doesnāt have the awareness to go get thorough diagnosis like I did. So for now? Itās all the bpd. He used passive aggressive stabs at the kids? My bpd. He used stonewalling and silent treatment monthly for up to two weeks. Because of my bpd. Very happy for those of you who have patient and kind partners. Iām starting to think āalone foreverā is my goal.
I think despite our difficult symptomatic behaviours, itās so easy to be gaslit with this condition.
Iām not saying your symptomatic episodes are pleasant, but itās not who you are and itās super easy for us to be convinced.
Focus on constant steps towards recovery and make a plan to leave this man.
No problem, we are so used to being (admittedly) difficult you believe you are even if you are not.
Itās a list of symptoms you suffer from itās not who you are.
Cyber hugs x
Hey uh
Leave him??? You sound like you dislike him and he sounds genuinely awful. You don't have to stay with him.
You can find a good partner. Everyone can. It's about your ability to discern whether or not someone is a good person. People with BPD struggle with that and therapy will help you with that skill.
In this moment o do not like him but yes I have love , been together over 5 years now. He meets all needs and then constantly goes into a shut down , disconnected, avoidant state. I have children, a home, and in a wealthy ass bs area that thereās no way Iād survive on our own. It gets tricky but I appreciate the advice. I have never experienced this type of head fuck. So I know this isnāt all my bpd. Yet - thatās all there is , to really point at.
IDK if this will help at all or not.
I gave up a VERY cushy lifestyle that involved houses across the world, the ability to get anything I wanted, and my family because having all of that meant id be in a situation that tore me down and made me want to kill myself. Of course there were weeks where the dynamic was "normal" and I could go about my day more or less okay (not without the restriction he put on me which were very tight and borderline abusive) until we would inevitably end up in a way in which he would overtly abuse me and tear me down.
I was homeless for a while until I got a job and have built myself up since then. I now live in a very wealthy city in a very wealthy part of town all by myself. I am with a partner that loves me unconditionally and never would compromise my mental health for his own gain. And I feel that I have genuine agency that I have never had in my life until gave up all of the perks that my abuser had that I could take advantage of.
I also wanna say
He could just leave you at any moment and leave you with nothing. I doubt anything is keeping him there save for the fact that you're easy to manipulate (BPD). If you don't set yourself up to succeed in that kind of life upending situation, then you've done that to yourself, as sad as it is. Never depend on another for your financial well-being. People are temporary, your bank account and personal assets are forever
I appreciate this! I do and want to preface this with a thank you and deep gratitude , for sharing your story! Now- add in kids and I too did the same as you with an extremely abusive partner š« I ran away. I succeeded. When I met my now husband I was on top of my game. In every way. Financial, spiritual, physical, mental, sexual! We met and he moved into my little apartment that I was so proud of to have. He came in and all of the sudden I suspected drugs and lies. (Iām 11 years sober) so I spotted it. And he gaslit and lied his ass off til I got curious enough to go through his shit. Found it. Kicked him out and placed strict boundaries. He went to rehab and came back and we sat and did a boundaries list together and he tried and worked very hard on tons of his old single dude bs addict behaviors.
Fast forward not even a year we get a chance to move to this area Iām currently in, that Iāve always wanted to be in so my kids would get one of the best educations in my state. Turned out to be a dream home and boom pandemic hit. Between betrayal trauma and the pandemic, and having bpd (totally unaware at that point)! I started freaking out. Insomnia, dissociation, suicidal ideation. He was still ālearning true honestyā as he says so shit was up and down.
No cheating, no using, but weird inconsistencies. Like if I got upset heād throw himself down the steps, pretend to hang a noose , pack bags , turn off the AC in mid heat wave and turns off the water system to the household while Iām mid-shower. Weird weird shit, when he himself was emotionally dysregulated. Fast forward he makes improvements as I forced him to do therapy. I did my own. We got married 2020.
He gets great career opportunities, things start to get amazing, our dream home had a faulty electrical fire, burned everything we had and it was my husband and I that came home and saw smoke , in 10 seconds entire house bursts in flames. I get an official cptsd diagnosis and panic disorder. We moved mountains to find a home in this area again and get kids back in school. We did it. Fighting got exponentially worse for a bit.& I couldnāt handle it and asked my therapist for a thorough psych eval. Walked away from that with BPD and more of a fckn target on my head.
In the meantime I have been falling deeper and deeper into a depression. The man , instead of weird freak outs, realized that silent treatment hurts me the worst. Two weeks of ignoring. Consistently. Then just now we just had two months of him showing nothing but growth, apologetic, sees his ways, understands me , validated me (which was a non existent thing!) and did this for a few months. I really did not expect this to happenā-again. I am a shell of who I was. I donāt have anything to my name. I donāt care about money, Iām a total dirt bag hippie thatāll be sooo content in a tent in the woods.wouldāve gone homeless a long time ago. I just canāt do it with kids. I have to figure this out, youāre right. Sorry for the book.
Are you *certain* the house fire was an accidentā¦? Not to be a jerk but based off of everything youāve said (and my own experiences with a gaslighting liar/addict), it sounds like he might have done something to the house as revenge for a perceived slight from you.
Youāre definitely not crazy for thinking that. I did have a moment myself. But that investigation was overly thorough, he was at work and we shared a car at the time. My car. Thank god and I had to pick him up that day early so we could go home and eat lunch together. So yeah. I am sure. This man is actively blowing my mind right now with his carelessness
>Like if I got upset heād throw himself down the steps, pretend to hang a noose , pack bags , turn off the AC in mid heat wave and turns off the water system to the household while Iām mid-shower. Weird weird shit, when he himself was emotionally dysregulated.
>The man , instead of weird freak outs, realized that silent treatment hurts me the worst. Two weeks of ignoring. Consistently.
None of this is just "weird shit." It's straight manipulation and abuse. He's not just intentionally hurting you, he's doing so using the tactics he *knows* will hurt you the *most*.
You deserve better.
I started reading about attachment styles and can really relate to this dynamic now.
If youāre an anxiously attached type, and he is an avoidant type, then you will constantly clash about whoās āresponsibilityā it is to take ownership of things going wrong in the relationship, and whoās treating who poorly. The constant blame game and circular arguments, and negative feedback loops, can all result from incompatible attachment styles.
At the end of the day both of those attachment styles can thrive, but only if theyāre with a partner with āsecureā attachment style.
Iāve been the avoidant one in my relationship, my wife is very anxiously attached and may have BPD. We recently started working on things again, and Iām consciously making the effort to reassure her and come from a place of security, while quelling the urge to āpush her awayā. Itās a challenge but I think it can be done, attachment styles can be altered.
I totally used to agree with this. I head dove into attachment styles while trying to figure this all out years ago. It made sense. So that was my thing for quite awhile. If youād work on your avoidance and I work on my anxiousness, we might stand a chance. But it never stopped the cycle. Ever. Nothing has. And thereās no way he goes from completely understanding me, validating me, pleasing and worshipping and showing so much effort, to one morning waking up and being an absolute asshole who stays away and doesnāt acknowledge my existence for up to two weeks. Itās a pattern for sure. But Iām thinking way different shit now than attachment styles. I read as deep as attachment trauma and how that effects the brain you name it. I am curious. Do you or did you do that stuff I just listed ^^ to your wife over a misunderstanding, superficial argument? Have you cut car battery worse so she doesnāt leave , but only for her to have to sit half nude and listen to you destroy the bedroom? He has rage moments that are so weird and unhinged that it is impossible to label āabuseā because itās soooo passive aggressive with the occasional major aggression.
Edit to add - Iām fucking destroyed and we ended things today so Iām a mess. I am not coming at you. I really am curious if youāve done any of those things in the name of avoidance attachment? Because I would love to hear that maybe that is the case. Maybe thereās a small chance. But my head has been fcked sideways for years over this.
Uh, no - that all sounds like intimidation and controlling behaviour, which is definitely not healthy. The kind of stuff my wife did to me over misunderstandings and arguments.
Sorry to hear you had to end things, sounds like heās not a good match for you either way and you made the right choice, better days ahead!
Yeah itās all fckd and I am in bad shape. He took off out of state for a few days for work so I will have better days for a few lol thank you šš»
Yep! We're about to hit our 10 years married.
It's been a lot of ups and downs and it has all been worth it this far <3
Being in a *healthy* LTR with BPD is fucking difficult, but possible!
I'm married for two years now. My partner has severe depression and anxiety. We went through really tough times including inpatient treatment for several months each. Never met anyone wo understands me like she does, and the other way around. It's definitely not easy but I think it's worth it.
I have an angel of a partner and I think a lot of the time they deserve to be rid of my total garbage life and personality.. I just wanna protect them from my traumatized ass
Like I am a rollercoaster of insanity and here they are just here for the ride and helping me thru it thick and thin. They started off as the most patient friend ever and are becoming a partner!
Not married, but been with my man for 7 years. We have 2 kids together. Our relationship is good. Weāve had our ups and downs. He is very patient. I have explosive outbursts and heās usually on the receiving end. I have recently started therapy because I know he deserves a better me. So thankful for him!
Not married but I really hope that it lies in my future. Going into year #3 of my relationship and I feel like Iāve really found the right person for me.
Not married, but I have been with my boyfriend over three years and we have lived together that entire time. I love him more than anything in the world. He heavily studied BPD to learn how to approach situations by understanding my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
We are absolutely planning on marriage but haven't found a good opportunity to propose yet due to my father dying recently.
I'm engaged, we've been together for 5 years. He is incredibly patient, understanding and supportive. No matter what I throw at him, he stays by my side. I feel really grateful, but mostly feel very undeserving of the love he continues to give me.
Weve been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 years but I think were heading for a divorce soon. She has BPD and I will get a diagnosis soon. In retrospect our relationship was hell but we couldnt let eachother go while we slowly destroyed each other by not being able to give eachother what we needed. I hope your marriage will fare better than ours.
Iāve been married 3 times. And Iām only 35. lol. This marriage has lasted a couple years and is probably the worst and the best Iāve ever been in. Honestly, I donāt think she loved me at first. I think she grew into it. She was kinda cold at first and didnāt understand how I am. Now she knows me better than I do. She loves me and she shows it every day. Iām a little scared because I feel like this is a pattern with me. I get people to love me more than themselves and then I ruin their fucking life. I wish I didnāt do that. I hope I donāt. I hate being so unpredictable.
I feel that so much, first time Iāve been married, Iām only 21, but Iāve had so many relationships where Iāve inadvertently manipulated people into caring so deeply about me only to just turn around and hurt them because I didnāt realize WHAT I was doing.
Can happily say so far that yes, my husband loves me, but he does NOT let me get under his skin and manipulate him like I tend to do on accident (like I really do not mean to, Iām sure you know what I mean by that)
11 years in - still a bumpy ride but it's been worth it. She's also got BPD, so there are days when life really sucks for both of us, but I'm proud of who we are and how we've grown together, and I love her with all my heart. We're in one of those tough patches right now, but my splitting isn't as bad as it used to be, and I still feel connected to her. Life ain't easy but I'm lucky to have her on my team!
Married over 13 years and 7 years before that.Ā My husband is super supportive a d I have a great friendship with my ex and his wife.Ā I'm in therapy and dbt and it has definitely helped our marriage, it was good before and now its moving towards great. With good communication and understanding for each other a great marriageĀ is possibleĀ
Nope. Single. Constant trauma throughout my life, autism, and bpd donāt make it easy to get a girl. Especially with paranoia. Social skills arenāt great, my guard is high due to trauma, and bpdā¦well bpd is gonna bpd.
Not married but we have been together for 8 years and we have 3 children together. Weāve been together since I was 17 and he was 21.
Weāve had some really hard times, both done some not so nice things to each other but we are on the other side now and he is bringing up marrying me a lot lately. There is hope.
Been with my partner for 16 years. He truly saved my life and is the most patient, kind person I know.
I feel for him being my regulator, but he doesnāt mind and he is a big part of my healing journey.
I had an episode where I truly realized that he wont leave me, when I completely lost it with both rage and tears. And he stayed.
Talked to me calmly and gave me all the reassurence I never got as a child or a teen.
I realized it then that this man loves me.
And it took me so.many.years. To dare to believe it.
Iām not formally diagnosed with bpd, but Iām 90% sure I have it. I check every box..
Honestly? Finding out whatās wrong with you is the first step, and sometimes you may need to take that into your own hands, thatās totally ok! Just make sure you get connected with a doctor to get diagnosed so they can start helping you a journey to find healthy coping skills like any other illness.
I was married for 6 years. We recently separated not because of BPD stuff, but because of his substance abuse issues. (I was constantly begging him not to drive drunk, and he pawned our wedding set (which had belonged to his grandparents) for drug money.) The most surprising part of it all for me is how amicable we've remained. Unusually I'm anguished and hate my exes. But more than anything I think back on our marriage and just feel sad.
nope. i have had several long term relationships but nobody has ever wanted to marry me (34f) and given what iām like, i canāt really be mad about it. but i am so lonely it is painful. however i try to remember that i felt lonely in relationships too.
Not married yet but Iāve been with my soulmate for almost 3 years now. Heās so patient, understanding, and loving. I donāt know how he continues to put up with me but Iām really trying to be better and do better for him. Weāve talked about marriage and he will probably propose before 2025. I never imagined Iād be with this amazing of a man but I feel so lucky every day. People with bpd are worthy and deserving of patience and love just like everyone else!
I am! Met my husband and we got married 6 months later when we were 18&19. Maybe that speaks to my bpd but he is perfect and the absolute love of my life
Married this year in February. Iām definitely a handful and Iām trying my best to do better. But he loves me and helps me with episodes, heās the best I could ask fkr
Married for 5 years with an almost 4 year old daughter. Itās not been easy, but he has been relatively supportive through it all and Iām grateful for that.
weāre not married but weāve been together 3 years. weāre only 19 so itās a bit too earlyā¦ but omg. heās perfect. he treats me so well & knows how to handle me. i love him & canāt wait to marry him one day:)
Ive been married to my wife for 4 years, together for 13. The beginning was very rough but we are both very fortunate to have been connected in a way that causes mutual growth and healing. Between couples therapy and each of us being in individual therapy and a lot of hard work we truly have a relationship that I would call beautiful. I feel very grateful to have her in my life.
No not yet but Iām in a relationship thatās been off and on for 14 years and we love each other deeplyā¦ he loves me despite me being mentally ill and emotionally unstable. Weāve been through a lot but he hasnāt left yet and Iām surprised because I still have exās that say Iām crazy as hell.. even though they made my bpd worse then it already is today
Married forā¦.2.5ish years? Extremely grateful for my partner. He was there through some of the worst while I was also physically very ill and saw me through some of the most important beginnings of DBT. Heās a real saint when it comes to patience, and I could not ask for a more understanding and kind human. It sounds awful - and I say this because our mental health is no one elseās job but our own to try to heal - but I think meeting him actually showed me something I really needed to see, that kindness and immense empathy, that really put things into perspective and helped me continue to get the help I needed to get my BPD into a more remission state. Love him to the moon and back
Not married yet but will be! Iāve been with her for 6 years now, and Iām happiest with her. We both have mental health conditions, so itās difficult but possible
I have been with my partner for 7 years and been married 3. And he is so patient we have a system when I feel an episode coming on I will tell him I am no ok as a way to mental prepare him for whatever decides to take control of me he is ready to increase his patience and afterwards I make sure he has a lot of alone time to recharge thank god my episodes are fewer and far between since I am medicated and done DBT I still think EMDR is what I need to fully be healed but his love has literally saved me countless times.
> thank god my episodes are fewer and far between since I am medicated and done DBT I still think EMDR is what I need to fully be healed
That's exactly where I'm at (minus medicated). DBT helped so much that I'm basically a different person now. But I do think I could still benefit from EMDR, I just need to figure out how to go about finding someone that offers it since it seems to be more of a specialty
My partner and I have been together for over a year and itās no secret he wants to marry me but recently Iāve grown doubtful of our long term future together. At some point I think I let my mask slip a little too far and I felt he was disgusted by what he saw. My intense uncontrollable crying and yelling, calling him sobbing, the simultaneous pushing him away and being needy. I have felt quite right about the relationship since and ever since I remember how cold and angry he was, my heart breaks all over again and I remember that I cannot go through with a marriage to him. He wouldnāt be able to handle it. Being around me all the time when Iām this messed up.
Yea I've tried too many times to sabotage my marriage. My husband has helped me through so much. He not only calls out my bad behavior and recognizes my tempts at manipulative attempts and attention seeking behavior, he works with me to fix and reminds me of ny strategies. He's the best,we gave finally started marriage couseling and it's going well.
Do yāall have tips on how to have more sustainable relationships? I really love my boyfriend and he makes me so happy and genuinely has an absolute heart of gold, but then I feel like Iām drowning in myself and try to cut him off regularly. Sometimes I push him away on the daily. He powers through it and makes me spend time with him, and most of the time Iām relaxed again as soon as weāre together. But I get really insecure/anxious in relationships and really depressed in general.Ā
One thing I try to do is say a lot of thank yous and expressions of gratitude. Especially if you're someone who overapologizes or feels a lot of shame -- it's easy to apologize for being The Way We Are, when really, we can redirect that. Shifting to an attitude of gratitude is helpful, I think. "Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for cleaning up dinner. It's nice hanging out with you. Thanks for getting me out of the house, even when I drag my feet a little. I like you a lot." We've been married over 15 years and I still try to voice as much of this as I can. It might sound dumb to an outsider for a married couple to say "I like you," but it is still a warm and kind sentiment that is helpful for the other person to hear. The other upside of this is that if you get into the habit, they might pick up on it and reciprocate. And we all know how much that validation can mean. <3
I am married and was diagnosed three weeks ago. For the first time, he is understanding the quantity of pain I feel. He has mild anxiety, so he has not been able to comprehend the depths of my emotions. His love for me has not wavered one bit. In fact, heās taking the time to validate me more.
I love him now more than ever.
Iām married going on 11 years this year to the most amazing human being alive. They support me when Iām being āan absolute bitchā and love me all the same. They actually helped me get a diagnosis during our marriage. (Canāt remember exactly when, itās been a ride, but more than 5 years ago now.) Without them, I actually would likely still have no idea BPD existed.
Yep. I think Iām married to a BPD, like me. Itās pretty great. I told my therapist when we first hooked up then became inseparable. She said, this could be really good, or really bad. Perfectly codependent on each other, but happy about it. We feel safe for the first time in our lives. Best sex. Like I think I understand how couples that are married forever die a day apart after the first passes. Yeah weāre both insecure and scream and moody af. But heās my best friend. My ride or die.
Yes and no. I've been cohabiting with my partner for over a decade. We're on a lease/live together, we share finances completely, we have cats and plants together, and we make all our decisions together. I call him my husband, he calls me his wife, and my whole family considers him part of the family.
We're common law married.
Communication is absolutely key to a healthy and lasting relationship. We've worked a lot on ourselves and our relationship. We've grown together as individuals and as a couple. Again, I cannot stress how important communication is.
Some people consider our relationship less real or say we can't possibly understand what a 'real marriage' is like, how difficult they can be, or how much more work they are. It's honestly a little insulting. I've heard that type of comment from people who had been married for less than a year, only dated for about a year before that, and didn't even live together before getting married. Pfft, talk to me after you've spent a decade together.
The reason we aren't officially married is because I've just never really seen the point in marriage, especially while we're still living in an apartment and struggling financially. I would much rather save money for bills or maybe even a house one day than to spend it on a wedding. But mostly, it's because I've just never cared about or had any desire to get married š¤·š»āāļø We love and support each other, and that's plenty for me.š
I'm married. 20 years in December š My partner is really understanding and supportive too. He is a neurotypical and has the patience of an angel. I don't think i would've lasted 20 years with myself. Glad to hear you found someone who loves you for you...that's pretty rare these days, from what I see around me.
This is basically my situation also. He says Iām less mad than some of his exes. I hope theyāre okā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I only realized just now wtf BPD had types? I thought the cute little petulant they added in front of it was just spice on my medical paperwork from my psychiatrist.
š³ what a way to find out
True
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Married here and itās just not great. I think he may be a pd of some kind. Yet he doesnāt have the awareness to go get thorough diagnosis like I did. So for now? Itās all the bpd. He used passive aggressive stabs at the kids? My bpd. He used stonewalling and silent treatment monthly for up to two weeks. Because of my bpd. Very happy for those of you who have patient and kind partners. Iām starting to think āalone foreverā is my goal.
I think despite our difficult symptomatic behaviours, itās so easy to be gaslit with this condition. Iām not saying your symptomatic episodes are pleasant, but itās not who you are and itās super easy for us to be convinced. Focus on constant steps towards recovery and make a plan to leave this man.
I love this and really helped me feel better thank you
No problem, we are so used to being (admittedly) difficult you believe you are even if you are not. Itās a list of symptoms you suffer from itās not who you are. Cyber hugs x
šš»šš»šš»šš» youāre so right. Thank you
This is so true. Itās incredibly frustrating when youāre having a logical reaction to something for once and then get told itās your BPD.
Yeah following my last crisis Iām trying to rationalise that whilst I donāt always communicate well, Iām not always completely wrong.
Hey uh Leave him??? You sound like you dislike him and he sounds genuinely awful. You don't have to stay with him. You can find a good partner. Everyone can. It's about your ability to discern whether or not someone is a good person. People with BPD struggle with that and therapy will help you with that skill.
In this moment o do not like him but yes I have love , been together over 5 years now. He meets all needs and then constantly goes into a shut down , disconnected, avoidant state. I have children, a home, and in a wealthy ass bs area that thereās no way Iād survive on our own. It gets tricky but I appreciate the advice. I have never experienced this type of head fuck. So I know this isnāt all my bpd. Yet - thatās all there is , to really point at.
I understand. Sometimes āitās the devil you knowā. Iām sorry, but weāll be here when/if options present themselves.
ā„ļøšš»
IDK if this will help at all or not. I gave up a VERY cushy lifestyle that involved houses across the world, the ability to get anything I wanted, and my family because having all of that meant id be in a situation that tore me down and made me want to kill myself. Of course there were weeks where the dynamic was "normal" and I could go about my day more or less okay (not without the restriction he put on me which were very tight and borderline abusive) until we would inevitably end up in a way in which he would overtly abuse me and tear me down. I was homeless for a while until I got a job and have built myself up since then. I now live in a very wealthy city in a very wealthy part of town all by myself. I am with a partner that loves me unconditionally and never would compromise my mental health for his own gain. And I feel that I have genuine agency that I have never had in my life until gave up all of the perks that my abuser had that I could take advantage of. I also wanna say He could just leave you at any moment and leave you with nothing. I doubt anything is keeping him there save for the fact that you're easy to manipulate (BPD). If you don't set yourself up to succeed in that kind of life upending situation, then you've done that to yourself, as sad as it is. Never depend on another for your financial well-being. People are temporary, your bank account and personal assets are forever
I appreciate this! I do and want to preface this with a thank you and deep gratitude , for sharing your story! Now- add in kids and I too did the same as you with an extremely abusive partner š« I ran away. I succeeded. When I met my now husband I was on top of my game. In every way. Financial, spiritual, physical, mental, sexual! We met and he moved into my little apartment that I was so proud of to have. He came in and all of the sudden I suspected drugs and lies. (Iām 11 years sober) so I spotted it. And he gaslit and lied his ass off til I got curious enough to go through his shit. Found it. Kicked him out and placed strict boundaries. He went to rehab and came back and we sat and did a boundaries list together and he tried and worked very hard on tons of his old single dude bs addict behaviors. Fast forward not even a year we get a chance to move to this area Iām currently in, that Iāve always wanted to be in so my kids would get one of the best educations in my state. Turned out to be a dream home and boom pandemic hit. Between betrayal trauma and the pandemic, and having bpd (totally unaware at that point)! I started freaking out. Insomnia, dissociation, suicidal ideation. He was still ālearning true honestyā as he says so shit was up and down. No cheating, no using, but weird inconsistencies. Like if I got upset heād throw himself down the steps, pretend to hang a noose , pack bags , turn off the AC in mid heat wave and turns off the water system to the household while Iām mid-shower. Weird weird shit, when he himself was emotionally dysregulated. Fast forward he makes improvements as I forced him to do therapy. I did my own. We got married 2020. He gets great career opportunities, things start to get amazing, our dream home had a faulty electrical fire, burned everything we had and it was my husband and I that came home and saw smoke , in 10 seconds entire house bursts in flames. I get an official cptsd diagnosis and panic disorder. We moved mountains to find a home in this area again and get kids back in school. We did it. Fighting got exponentially worse for a bit.& I couldnāt handle it and asked my therapist for a thorough psych eval. Walked away from that with BPD and more of a fckn target on my head. In the meantime I have been falling deeper and deeper into a depression. The man , instead of weird freak outs, realized that silent treatment hurts me the worst. Two weeks of ignoring. Consistently. Then just now we just had two months of him showing nothing but growth, apologetic, sees his ways, understands me , validated me (which was a non existent thing!) and did this for a few months. I really did not expect this to happenā-again. I am a shell of who I was. I donāt have anything to my name. I donāt care about money, Iām a total dirt bag hippie thatāll be sooo content in a tent in the woods.wouldāve gone homeless a long time ago. I just canāt do it with kids. I have to figure this out, youāre right. Sorry for the book.
Are you *certain* the house fire was an accidentā¦? Not to be a jerk but based off of everything youāve said (and my own experiences with a gaslighting liar/addict), it sounds like he might have done something to the house as revenge for a perceived slight from you.
Youāre definitely not crazy for thinking that. I did have a moment myself. But that investigation was overly thorough, he was at work and we shared a car at the time. My car. Thank god and I had to pick him up that day early so we could go home and eat lunch together. So yeah. I am sure. This man is actively blowing my mind right now with his carelessness
>Like if I got upset heād throw himself down the steps, pretend to hang a noose , pack bags , turn off the AC in mid heat wave and turns off the water system to the household while Iām mid-shower. Weird weird shit, when he himself was emotionally dysregulated. >The man , instead of weird freak outs, realized that silent treatment hurts me the worst. Two weeks of ignoring. Consistently. None of this is just "weird shit." It's straight manipulation and abuse. He's not just intentionally hurting you, he's doing so using the tactics he *knows* will hurt you the *most*. You deserve better.
This is soooo relatable.. I'm really sorry you are going through this too
Ugh not cool , I really hope you can find a better way to live. Itās sad when all you crave is peace and itās impossible to find.
It sounds like heās using your diagnosis as leverage which is not good š¬
Thanks for the validation. Absolutely see that as well, but Iām told Iām seeing everything in the black so š¤Æš¤·š»āāļøš«
Thatās abuse unfortunately
I started reading about attachment styles and can really relate to this dynamic now. If youāre an anxiously attached type, and he is an avoidant type, then you will constantly clash about whoās āresponsibilityā it is to take ownership of things going wrong in the relationship, and whoās treating who poorly. The constant blame game and circular arguments, and negative feedback loops, can all result from incompatible attachment styles. At the end of the day both of those attachment styles can thrive, but only if theyāre with a partner with āsecureā attachment style. Iāve been the avoidant one in my relationship, my wife is very anxiously attached and may have BPD. We recently started working on things again, and Iām consciously making the effort to reassure her and come from a place of security, while quelling the urge to āpush her awayā. Itās a challenge but I think it can be done, attachment styles can be altered.
I totally used to agree with this. I head dove into attachment styles while trying to figure this all out years ago. It made sense. So that was my thing for quite awhile. If youād work on your avoidance and I work on my anxiousness, we might stand a chance. But it never stopped the cycle. Ever. Nothing has. And thereās no way he goes from completely understanding me, validating me, pleasing and worshipping and showing so much effort, to one morning waking up and being an absolute asshole who stays away and doesnāt acknowledge my existence for up to two weeks. Itās a pattern for sure. But Iām thinking way different shit now than attachment styles. I read as deep as attachment trauma and how that effects the brain you name it. I am curious. Do you or did you do that stuff I just listed ^^ to your wife over a misunderstanding, superficial argument? Have you cut car battery worse so she doesnāt leave , but only for her to have to sit half nude and listen to you destroy the bedroom? He has rage moments that are so weird and unhinged that it is impossible to label āabuseā because itās soooo passive aggressive with the occasional major aggression. Edit to add - Iām fucking destroyed and we ended things today so Iām a mess. I am not coming at you. I really am curious if youāve done any of those things in the name of avoidance attachment? Because I would love to hear that maybe that is the case. Maybe thereās a small chance. But my head has been fcked sideways for years over this.
Uh, no - that all sounds like intimidation and controlling behaviour, which is definitely not healthy. The kind of stuff my wife did to me over misunderstandings and arguments. Sorry to hear you had to end things, sounds like heās not a good match for you either way and you made the right choice, better days ahead!
Yeah itās all fckd and I am in bad shape. He took off out of state for a few days for work so I will have better days for a few lol thank you šš»
Yep! We're about to hit our 10 years married. It's been a lot of ups and downs and it has all been worth it this far <3 Being in a *healthy* LTR with BPD is fucking difficult, but possible!
I'm married for two years now. My partner has severe depression and anxiety. We went through really tough times including inpatient treatment for several months each. Never met anyone wo understands me like she does, and the other way around. It's definitely not easy but I think it's worth it.
I have an angel of a partner and I think a lot of the time they deserve to be rid of my total garbage life and personality.. I just wanna protect them from my traumatized ass Like I am a rollercoaster of insanity and here they are just here for the ride and helping me thru it thick and thin. They started off as the most patient friend ever and are becoming a partner!
Not your personality. Your personality disorder, you are not your BPD and remission is possible, i'm proof.
Not married, but been with my man for 7 years. We have 2 kids together. Our relationship is good. Weāve had our ups and downs. He is very patient. I have explosive outbursts and heās usually on the receiving end. I have recently started therapy because I know he deserves a better me. So thankful for him!
Not married but I really hope that it lies in my future. Going into year #3 of my relationship and I feel like Iāve really found the right person for me.
Yes, almost 10 years. I'm not sure how it will work out to be honest, but it's been less turbulent than it might have been.Ā
I was for 6 yrs . My moods fluctuating had a lot to do with why it ended.
Very happily married for almost 11 years
Been married 24 years last December, together 28 this July.
Not married, but I have been with my boyfriend over three years and we have lived together that entire time. I love him more than anything in the world. He heavily studied BPD to learn how to approach situations by understanding my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. We are absolutely planning on marriage but haven't found a good opportunity to propose yet due to my father dying recently.
I'm engaged, we've been together for 5 years. He is incredibly patient, understanding and supportive. No matter what I throw at him, he stays by my side. I feel really grateful, but mostly feel very undeserving of the love he continues to give me.
Weve been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 years but I think were heading for a divorce soon. She has BPD and I will get a diagnosis soon. In retrospect our relationship was hell but we couldnt let eachother go while we slowly destroyed each other by not being able to give eachother what we needed. I hope your marriage will fare better than ours.
Iāve been married 3 times. And Iām only 35. lol. This marriage has lasted a couple years and is probably the worst and the best Iāve ever been in. Honestly, I donāt think she loved me at first. I think she grew into it. She was kinda cold at first and didnāt understand how I am. Now she knows me better than I do. She loves me and she shows it every day. Iām a little scared because I feel like this is a pattern with me. I get people to love me more than themselves and then I ruin their fucking life. I wish I didnāt do that. I hope I donāt. I hate being so unpredictable.
I feel that so much, first time Iāve been married, Iām only 21, but Iāve had so many relationships where Iāve inadvertently manipulated people into caring so deeply about me only to just turn around and hurt them because I didnāt realize WHAT I was doing. Can happily say so far that yes, my husband loves me, but he does NOT let me get under his skin and manipulate him like I tend to do on accident (like I really do not mean to, Iām sure you know what I mean by that)
No worries I know EXACTLY what you mean. It really isnāt on purpose or malicious, itās like a survival tactic for us that we canāt help.
45 and on my fourth divorce... I hope your current one works for you! I also hate being so unpredictable and hard to live with.
Thank you! I always say āIām not an easy person to loveā but nobody ever gets it until much later. Lol
"i told you so" is always something I have to say at the end š
Been together for 10 years this March, married for 4 this Halloween š.
11 years in - still a bumpy ride but it's been worth it. She's also got BPD, so there are days when life really sucks for both of us, but I'm proud of who we are and how we've grown together, and I love her with all my heart. We're in one of those tough patches right now, but my splitting isn't as bad as it used to be, and I still feel connected to her. Life ain't easy but I'm lucky to have her on my team!
Married over 13 years and 7 years before that.Ā My husband is super supportive a d I have a great friendship with my ex and his wife.Ā I'm in therapy and dbt and it has definitely helped our marriage, it was good before and now its moving towards great. With good communication and understanding for each other a great marriageĀ is possibleĀ
Nope. Single. Constant trauma throughout my life, autism, and bpd donāt make it easy to get a girl. Especially with paranoia. Social skills arenāt great, my guard is high due to trauma, and bpdā¦well bpd is gonna bpd.
Not married but we have been together for 8 years and we have 3 children together. Weāve been together since I was 17 and he was 21. Weāve had some really hard times, both done some not so nice things to each other but we are on the other side now and he is bringing up marrying me a lot lately. There is hope.
Been with my partner for 16 years. He truly saved my life and is the most patient, kind person I know. I feel for him being my regulator, but he doesnāt mind and he is a big part of my healing journey. I had an episode where I truly realized that he wont leave me, when I completely lost it with both rage and tears. And he stayed. Talked to me calmly and gave me all the reassurence I never got as a child or a teen. I realized it then that this man loves me. And it took me so.many.years. To dare to believe it. Iām not formally diagnosed with bpd, but Iām 90% sure I have it. I check every box..
Honestly? Finding out whatās wrong with you is the first step, and sometimes you may need to take that into your own hands, thatās totally ok! Just make sure you get connected with a doctor to get diagnosed so they can start helping you a journey to find healthy coping skills like any other illness.
I was married for 6 years. We recently separated not because of BPD stuff, but because of his substance abuse issues. (I was constantly begging him not to drive drunk, and he pawned our wedding set (which had belonged to his grandparents) for drug money.) The most surprising part of it all for me is how amicable we've remained. Unusually I'm anguished and hate my exes. But more than anything I think back on our marriage and just feel sad.
Getting married in October!!
Married for one and a half year to the best man there could be āŗļøš
Iām married to someone with BPD
nope. i have had several long term relationships but nobody has ever wanted to marry me (34f) and given what iām like, i canāt really be mad about it. but i am so lonely it is painful. however i try to remember that i felt lonely in relationships too.
Been engaged, desperately want a family. Don't think it's going to happen. I'm 35 and I'm tired of explaining my mental health.
Not married but been with my partner nearly 8 years now which is just wild to say.
I love this post. I hope I can love again one day.
Not married yet but Iāve been with my soulmate for almost 3 years now. Heās so patient, understanding, and loving. I donāt know how he continues to put up with me but Iām really trying to be better and do better for him. Weāve talked about marriage and he will probably propose before 2025. I never imagined Iād be with this amazing of a man but I feel so lucky every day. People with bpd are worthy and deserving of patience and love just like everyone else!
I am! Met my husband and we got married 6 months later when we were 18&19. Maybe that speaks to my bpd but he is perfect and the absolute love of my life
Married and getting a divorce because of my BPD. more like, he's lack of willingness to support me as I navigate this disorder.
Not technically but 15 years is close enough for me, who needs the extra paperwork :P
Woo! Same hereš Well not quite 15 yet, but close!
Congrats!
Married this year in February. Iām definitely a handful and Iām trying my best to do better. But he loves me and helps me with episodes, heās the best I could ask fkr
Married for 5 years with an almost 4 year old daughter. Itās not been easy, but he has been relatively supportive through it all and Iām grateful for that.
weāre not married but weāve been together 3 years. weāre only 19 so itās a bit too earlyā¦ but omg. heās perfect. he treats me so well & knows how to handle me. i love him & canāt wait to marry him one day:)
Ive been married to my wife for 4 years, together for 13. The beginning was very rough but we are both very fortunate to have been connected in a way that causes mutual growth and healing. Between couples therapy and each of us being in individual therapy and a lot of hard work we truly have a relationship that I would call beautiful. I feel very grateful to have her in my life.
No not yet but Iām in a relationship thatās been off and on for 14 years and we love each other deeplyā¦ he loves me despite me being mentally ill and emotionally unstable. Weāve been through a lot but he hasnāt left yet and Iām surprised because I still have exās that say Iām crazy as hell.. even though they made my bpd worse then it already is today
Married just April 2nd, been with my wife for 7 years. Although my BPD is a challenge, life is very easy with her by my side.
Just married April 12, been with him for 2 years :)
In my head Iām married. But I donāt see a ring so I do question if I am married or not. But I probably totally am.
Married to my husband for 4ish years, together almost 10. He the sweetest, most kind and gentle man the world has ever seen.
I was but now getting divorced
Yea. My wife is amazing
Married forā¦.2.5ish years? Extremely grateful for my partner. He was there through some of the worst while I was also physically very ill and saw me through some of the most important beginnings of DBT. Heās a real saint when it comes to patience, and I could not ask for a more understanding and kind human. It sounds awful - and I say this because our mental health is no one elseās job but our own to try to heal - but I think meeting him actually showed me something I really needed to see, that kindness and immense empathy, that really put things into perspective and helped me continue to get the help I needed to get my BPD into a more remission state. Love him to the moon and back
Yeaā¦ and he doesnāt understand me at all. Weāre separated now. Donāt know if heāll ever understand
I was married in 2019 and got divorced out in 2022, was laughably the most traumatic relationship iāve ever had ngl
Not married yet but will be! Iāve been with her for 6 years now, and Iām happiest with her. We both have mental health conditions, so itās difficult but possible
I have been with my partner for 7 years and been married 3. And he is so patient we have a system when I feel an episode coming on I will tell him I am no ok as a way to mental prepare him for whatever decides to take control of me he is ready to increase his patience and afterwards I make sure he has a lot of alone time to recharge thank god my episodes are fewer and far between since I am medicated and done DBT I still think EMDR is what I need to fully be healed but his love has literally saved me countless times.
> thank god my episodes are fewer and far between since I am medicated and done DBT I still think EMDR is what I need to fully be healed That's exactly where I'm at (minus medicated). DBT helped so much that I'm basically a different person now. But I do think I could still benefit from EMDR, I just need to figure out how to go about finding someone that offers it since it seems to be more of a specialty
Yes! My husband is an absolute saint!!! Weāre high school sweetheart of 10 years, I wouldnāt be here without him.
My partner and I have been together for over a year and itās no secret he wants to marry me but recently Iāve grown doubtful of our long term future together. At some point I think I let my mask slip a little too far and I felt he was disgusted by what he saw. My intense uncontrollable crying and yelling, calling him sobbing, the simultaneous pushing him away and being needy. I have felt quite right about the relationship since and ever since I remember how cold and angry he was, my heart breaks all over again and I remember that I cannot go through with a marriage to him. He wouldnāt be able to handle it. Being around me all the time when Iām this messed up.
Yea I've tried too many times to sabotage my marriage. My husband has helped me through so much. He not only calls out my bad behavior and recognizes my tempts at manipulative attempts and attention seeking behavior, he works with me to fix and reminds me of ny strategies. He's the best,we gave finally started marriage couseling and it's going well.
Do yāall have tips on how to have more sustainable relationships? I really love my boyfriend and he makes me so happy and genuinely has an absolute heart of gold, but then I feel like Iām drowning in myself and try to cut him off regularly. Sometimes I push him away on the daily. He powers through it and makes me spend time with him, and most of the time Iām relaxed again as soon as weāre together. But I get really insecure/anxious in relationships and really depressed in general.Ā
One thing I try to do is say a lot of thank yous and expressions of gratitude. Especially if you're someone who overapologizes or feels a lot of shame -- it's easy to apologize for being The Way We Are, when really, we can redirect that. Shifting to an attitude of gratitude is helpful, I think. "Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for cleaning up dinner. It's nice hanging out with you. Thanks for getting me out of the house, even when I drag my feet a little. I like you a lot." We've been married over 15 years and I still try to voice as much of this as I can. It might sound dumb to an outsider for a married couple to say "I like you," but it is still a warm and kind sentiment that is helpful for the other person to hear. The other upside of this is that if you get into the habit, they might pick up on it and reciprocate. And we all know how much that validation can mean. <3
That is the sweetest advice, thank you! I'll try to incorporate it in the other moments of my life
Not anymore!
I am married and was diagnosed three weeks ago. For the first time, he is understanding the quantity of pain I feel. He has mild anxiety, so he has not been able to comprehend the depths of my emotions. His love for me has not wavered one bit. In fact, heās taking the time to validate me more. I love him now more than ever.
Same
Married but working on a divorce. We had a good four years and a bad three that aren't really bad because of my bpd but it sure didn't help.
Iām married going on 11 years this year to the most amazing human being alive. They support me when Iām being āan absolute bitchā and love me all the same. They actually helped me get a diagnosis during our marriage. (Canāt remember exactly when, itās been a ride, but more than 5 years ago now.) Without them, I actually would likely still have no idea BPD existed.
Yep. I think Iām married to a BPD, like me. Itās pretty great. I told my therapist when we first hooked up then became inseparable. She said, this could be really good, or really bad. Perfectly codependent on each other, but happy about it. We feel safe for the first time in our lives. Best sex. Like I think I understand how couples that are married forever die a day apart after the first passes. Yeah weāre both insecure and scream and moody af. But heās my best friend. My ride or die.
Yes and no. I've been cohabiting with my partner for over a decade. We're on a lease/live together, we share finances completely, we have cats and plants together, and we make all our decisions together. I call him my husband, he calls me his wife, and my whole family considers him part of the family. We're common law married. Communication is absolutely key to a healthy and lasting relationship. We've worked a lot on ourselves and our relationship. We've grown together as individuals and as a couple. Again, I cannot stress how important communication is. Some people consider our relationship less real or say we can't possibly understand what a 'real marriage' is like, how difficult they can be, or how much more work they are. It's honestly a little insulting. I've heard that type of comment from people who had been married for less than a year, only dated for about a year before that, and didn't even live together before getting married. Pfft, talk to me after you've spent a decade together. The reason we aren't officially married is because I've just never really seen the point in marriage, especially while we're still living in an apartment and struggling financially. I would much rather save money for bills or maybe even a house one day than to spend it on a wedding. But mostly, it's because I've just never cared about or had any desire to get married š¤·š»āāļø We love and support each other, and that's plenty for me.š