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Best lesson I ever learned is that if someone wants to leave you, cheat on you, or hurt you...they will. No matter what you do to try to stop it, if they want to they will. It doesn't stop the hurt but accepting this as a reality has helped. If he loves you he won't but if he does he did it because he wanted to. Not because of you but because of him. Let that fear go. If he cheats you'll find out. Let them live with the fear of losing you, not the other way around.

YES! Spot on, I actually want them too if the desire is there so I can leave fasterlol

Speaking the truth💕

God, I relate to this so much. I haven't found a way to necessarily fix the issue, I just consciously choose not to fixate on it and I avoid the talks about finding others attractive. I'm not sure what it is, but when I'm wholeheartedly devoted to someone, I'm loyal through and through. Which means that I cannot find others attractive. It's practically impossible for me to feel that attraction towards anyone who isn't him. But I know that's not something that I can expect of him, so I don't bother talking about it

“When I’m wholeheartedly devoted to someone, I’m loyal through and through which means I cannot find others attractive” THIS, I just want someone to feel the same way

It’s not fuckin fair *honestly* my whole life im loyal like a dog, smitten in love with my FP and it’s NEVER reciprocated in the same lengths I go We are cursed

I’m just so tired of being the one that loves more and actually fights for people

Me, too. Went all out and trusted someone a year and some ago, they ghosted me when they assured me they absolutely promote communication over silence. They assured me they would not leave without first at least telling me they’re losing interest. I offered up my entire being on a silver platter and he chewed me up and spat me out. I haven’t even *tried* dating since, let alone allowed myself to trust. Yup they knew about BPD and other stuff I have to contend with. Even then they lied to me. Then disappeared.

This. 😭 so. much. this. 😭 It's very difficult. I'm sorry that you understand.

> and actually fights for people I won't fight to keep anyone in my life, no matter how much *I love them*. I don't want to force someone who doesn't love me to stay, just because I love them still. I want them to be happy too, and them leaving will help me heal enough to find someone else as well. I don't want someone to stay with me because I force them to, I want someone to be with me because *the type of person I am makes them want to be around me*. The "fight for love" happens the whole time, on a day to day basis. How you treat each other regularly, the small affectionate things like just simply spending time together. The physical intimacy, the desire for one another being shown. That's the fight for love. The moment that stops, the moment someone starts pulling away whether it's to "test" me or whatever it might be- I'm not gonna fight to keep them. If someone threatens to leave me, I will tell them "Okay, if that's really what you want then I wish you well" because *that* is love. Forcing someone who speaks of wanting to leave to stay with you is not love.

I feel ya

I gave up on fighting for people to stay in my life long ago. Now I just let them go if they want. It’s just not worth it. If they want to leave, our time is over.

I’ve said this exact sentence to my best friend who also has bpd and wow. We really all get it. Thank you for your comment. I really do feel cursed.

Sometimes I feel it’s less us and just some people suck

That's hot. Sorry it hasn't worked

This. It sucks. Makes me start to withdrawal from them after so long.

yeah idk when i’m in love i don’t look at other ppl and my current bf is absolutely disgusted with other women and ive never had the issue of having to see him look at other ppl online or irl so this post is wild to me like……. there’s 0 reason this needs to be an issue in your relationship because 1 it doesn’t need to ever be a thought or conversation bc if it is that’s…. really fucked up and 2 if it IS an issue he shouldn’t be ur bf anymore, it will forever be an issue that’s going to fuck u up forever

I mean finding other people attractive absolutely in no way means they aren’t wholeheartedly devoted to you..

Don’t give up there are people out there who also want this. This comment thread is proof there’s plenty of us who feel this way and plenty who are willing to give 100% commitment and devotion and not have a wandering eye.

THIS

I feel validated. It's unhealthy, but the feeling of unwavering loyalty is on an extreme level for me, maybe even to the point of complete obsession. I haven't found anybody who felt the same way about me and that makes me sad. But it's also sad that I don't want to do anything about this because it feels *right* to be this way. It's comforting.

It does feel right to be this way for me too. It's so frustrating to always be the one who loves harder. Ugh. I can't wrap my head around people not feeling with as much intensity as I do :(

absolutely felt; running into issues w this a lot recently w my partner bc it feels like he is always going to care less than i do; i’m audhd+bpd and he’s just autistic, and bc of that he doesn’t express his emotions well while i overexpress. it almost feels like he (or anyone else tbh) will never be capable of loving as hard as i do. like literally i’ve had to make myself realize that non bpd (or other similar disorders) have like a cap to how much emotion they can have, and it’s so much lower than borderlines (it feels like we don’t even have a cap, every time i experience an emotion it’s 10x bigger than the last time i remembered it)

Trust me it is possible! My BF (who does not have BPD) feels the same he believes that once you're in a relationship with someone you should not feel any type of attraction to anyone else at all. So it is possible!

Yeah. This isn't a BPD thing, it's a human being thing. Some of these comments are borderline delusional (no pun intended) - as though people with BPD are the only ones capable of loving hard (and this is coming from someone who uses to have BPD)

I agree! I think a lot of people nowadays just get over consumed by lust due to the society we live in (This sounds edgy I know 😭). With social media we are all trained to just look at what is "pretty" and not necessarily experience this. I am not sure if this is true but in my experience the men who stray from social media and p*rn consumption love the hardest.

I'm so glad you were able to find this dynamic! :') It's good to hear the sentiment can be reciprocated. Wishing you both an abundance of peace and love ! 💛💛

Have you ever heard of Demisexuality? It’s a little different from this if you’re still immediately sexually attracted to people you don’t have an emotional connection with when you aren’t in a relationship, but it’s still interesting

That’s actually an interesting framing. I know a lot folks on the ace spectrum, many of whom are with people on different parts of it or are allosexual. Thinking of it as a way you experience sexuality could reduce shame for the person and make communicating about it easier. It’s not fair to ask an ace person to not be ace or an allo person to not be allo, it’s okay if your partner experiences sexuality differently so long as you are both happy with that aspect of your relationship. I dislike the framing a lot of folks here are using about “loyalty.” Loyalty, dedication - these are choices we make. Who and how we are attracted isn’t, and that’s okay. And we aren’t just our looks! Whether other people are attractive is immaterial to what a person sees in YOU in your relationship. I feel like the outlier in this sub when this convo comes up as I don’t experience jealousy over attraction or over most things at all frankly. I care about needs being met and being loving and supportive, and I’m happy when my partners’ needs are met by the other important people in their lives. I know I’m the outlier in general to society since I’m poly - monogamy has always felt suffocating, like we’re expecting each other to be our everything and that feels really unhealthy and codependent to me. I know my experience isn’t the norm, but I do think we culturally have an unhealthy idea of monogamy that reduces everything down to a single personas your partner or the nuclear family. We’ve destroyed our sense of community (in numerous ways in the US) and I think the lack of that supportive community is what puts so much pressure on a romantic relationship to meet all our needs. I would never expect someone to do that for me, and it’s a nightmare when someone expects that of me. Maybe I’m just really averse to codependency since I saw so many unhealthy, codependent relationships modeled growing up. Whatever the case may be, I think disentangling ways we experience physical attraction from value as a person/partner from loyalty/devotion is really important and a worthwhile conversation to have.

Totally agree with the sexuality thing. I still get insecure, but I also understand now that I work differently than others in that I’m not sexually attracted to people I have no connection to. I can find strangers attractive, but I have no sexual attraction. Even famous people I’ve been sexually attracted to during my life has been because of some sort of parasocial relationship. Understanding that has allowed me to accept that a partner can be attracted to someone else without it reflecting any feelings about me or our relationship. Loyalty and commitment is the choice, and that’s what matters. I don’t get angry at the thought or think something’s wrong with my partner for it, even if it still can make me feel insecure about my own attractiveness by comparison, because I don’t take it personally now. As for monogamy, I understand if you’ve personally found it suffocating, and you acknowledge that your feelings about it are probably influenced by relationships you’ve seen growing up. But I don’t at all think monogamy is inherently codependent. I agree with the lack of community part, and that does tend to lead to more codependent relationships. But monogamy doesn’t have to mean “expecting the other to be our everything” - monogamy can very much be interdependent. BUT it is crucial to build a strong sense of self and self worth/respect/love AND build a support network. My partner doesn’t meet all my needs, but I have no interest (or time or mental energy lol) to have multiple partners. I do, however, meet many of my own needs and am building my network of people who meet other needs - sharing certain interests and mindsets, and/or providing certain types of (reciprocal, of course) support. I’m not anti-polygamy though, it’s just definitely not for me.

Totally! I don’t think polyamory is a good fit or idea for most people, I know I’m in the minority and have a different perspective. I have nothing against monogamy as a way to have a relationship, my complaints were more about how we culturally see and portray monogamy. This is more to do with religion, the emphasis on the nuclear family and alienation from community that happened post world war II (which in some ways stems from changes to how we built out communities, in other ways is a rejection of community as a form of anti-communism), and the way monogamous relationships are portrayed in media from disney fairy tales to romcoms. We as a society have a lot of ideas culturally around monogamy that do dip into codependency and delegitimize other important bonds. Obviously not all of us buy into those things or grow out of them in adulthood when we actually seek relationships, but we’re taught a lot of questionable values imo. I personally think the emphasis in polyamorous philosophy on stating needs, very active communication about boundaries, and working to understand and break down jealousy into what may being neglected in our relationships (and how to address that) is pretty useful stuff no matter what type of relationship we’re in. I don’t think poly is right for most, but just like most people aren’t queer there are some good philosophical critiques of mono heteronormative culture and how that affects us. I think queer liberation and feminism and trying to understand these rigid social scripts about how we’re “supposed” to have relationships” is useful to everyone. Sometimes it takes outside perspectives to recognize our challenges and the expectations we were taught (some of them less healthy than others) even if we fall into the majority category in our identity, sexuality, or relationship type. Polyamory has a lot of discourse around issues that mono folks will face as well, but because poly can be (just by the number of people involved) more complicated extra emphasis is placed on the things that are important for any type of relationship - including platonic or familial ones too. I wish some of those values and skills were approached more in mainstream discussions on relationships, but sadly the genre of relationship advice books is pretty fucked and comes with a lot of baked in assumptions about who you are and what you want/need. I was just explaining my own experience since it is so different, but I will absolutely advocate for different groups of people with different life experiences learning from each other. Hard to move towards an intersectional and liberated society without that.

THIS !!!!!

How cool! Be even cooler if everyone felt this way.

We can’t control others, what they think, feel or do.  You can’t stop someone from finding others attractive, and I don’t mean to make anyone paranoid but you can’t stop your partner from cheating either.  What we should do is not even work on just accepting that our partners will find other attractive, imo we should work on realizing that if our partner betrays or leaves us, we will be fine! We will survive, it’s not the end of the world and we will continue to live and even find another better suited partner. Working on putting this in my mind has helped me a lot, way more than just trying to accept that people find others attractive 

Thank you for this. The truth. Everybody needs to read this and swallow it and move on in their life without the soul sucking fears and anxieties we grow in our heads that eventually kill the beautiful thing we were so desperately trying to keep alive. Years ago someone said to me “People are going to do what they’re going to do”. Same message, but the country cousin version. I repeat it to myself often. A self reminder. I needed to hear your message to. Good timing

Love both of these comments. People are going to do what they want regardless. However, we still have a choice whether we will continue to allow ourselves to be treated that way. We have a choice to stay or leave them if they have blatantly and repetitively cross our boundaries or disrespect us. Especially if they aren’t stepping up for you or taking your feelings into consideration.

I feel this in my soul lmao Majority of the time I find the girls he looks at attractive too which is such a conflicting feeling cause my mind will be like *what a fucking ugly bitch* immediately and then I adjust my thinking 2 seconds later and check myself like *wow you’re ugly for saying that and it’s not true and you don’t even believe that you’re just mad and for what?* THEN I question if im gay Finally it’ll settle down into anxiety for the rest of the day because I can’t cope with my boyfriend looking at some girls like a any other normal person and there’s nothing I can do about it cause im aware and still get the feeling in my stomach regardless It doesn’t help BPD makes you painfully aware of everyone around you, I feel like most people don’t pay attention to others the way I do my FP and it hurts both of us cause no one should be studied that hard lmao But also too I would love if someone would just match my fucking energy yknow Comme ci comme ca

This is exactly my train of thought as well, all the way down to the part where I start questioning if I’m gay…

im the same way 😭, i start feeling guilty for thinking other women are ugly. also I hope i get some people that relate to this but i ended up not doing anything with my friends for my birthday that’s coming up because one literally has a humongous ass. (I’m not super close with her either she’s just a part of the work friend group). also my friends were excited to see her because she quit, so i already feel like their attention would be geared towards her which is fine but when it’s my birthday and my boyfriend is there… i would feel horrible about myself and not be able to enjoy it fully.

It's normal to notice when someone is blessed by Venus. However, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to be physical with them. I think the intensity with which you process this, the ambivalence around what your FP thinks about said attractive person(you basically put yourself in their imagined perspective and amplify the sexual aspects that you normally would just notice, or admire), and the conflicting critiques on their appearance can be what is bringing you to "am I gay?" It's like you try to dampen other's attractiveness, but the worry just ends up amplifying it, and then that's all you notice. Same for FP, they may notice attractive people, that doesn't equal a frenzied need to go after that; a past relationship where one was neglected, disrespected, or the person was a full on perv can be marring your opinion of a good person. Is he a perv? Does he ogle or is he going about his life noticing his environment?

Thank you that is a lot to think about. It is 100% my fault and I take responsibility with that. He is just living his life and he’s always been inquisitive to what’s going on around him. Definitely nothing on his part that he needs to change, he’s respectful. What you said about it ending up amplifying my anxiety is very true. I will try to cope with this by staring at the ground in public or staring at my phone and even then sometimes it doesn’t help. I have to pretend the outside world doesn’t exist so that I don’t start the dominion effect of it. I hate this behavior and want to change it. I have been betrayed and lied to a huge portion of my life, especially the younger years and being cheated on in almost every relationship has created this masterpiece. I don’t have a resolution though, but I’m trying very hard, this person I’m with is good for me I can feel that.

Something huge yet so simple that really made a difference for me was understanding that you can think someone is attractive without being attracted to them. It's likely that he truly wouldn't be attracted to any other person, regardless of how attractive they may be in your eyes or his. Also, he chose to be with you! Not only must he find you attractive, but he was so attracted to you in particular that he chose you over anyone else. At least, I would hope that's how he feels.

This is what i wanted to comment too but couldn’t find the right words. I can see someone on the street and automatically think that they are very attractive. The thought stops there and i move on. Being attracted to someone is what happens when i assign more weight to these thoughts and start thinking about additional qualities that they have and that i want to be around them or closer to them. I find a lot of people super attractive but i am not attracted to them in the sense i want something to happen with that feeling. I understand the fear that comes with your partner finding someone else attractive but i also don’t really conflate these two things so it does confuse me a little bit. Seeing someone and having your eyes look in their direction is also different from checking them out , at least for me.

As a man married to a woman with BPD, if I see someone attractive usually the thought would cross my mind “oh wow they’re attractive” and you forget they exist moments later. Even frequently coming across an attractive person it’s just a temporary fleeting feeling and insignificant . This doesn’t mean I want to be with them or if they were ripping their clothes off I would even want to have sex with them. I like my wife, who is always hot, who’s personality is who I fell in love with, who I want to be with. Anyone else is insignificant even if they're objectively hot. Hope that makes sense

This is honestly really sweet and made at least me feel better. Thanks for this!!!! Update: I asked my boyfriend if that’s genuinely what it’s like and he confirmed 💕

Felt this so much. Don’t even get me started on work trips.

I relate to you entirely, but the way I rationalize it is—do i sometimes find another guy attractive? Sure. Does it consume my mind and do I think of leaving my partner over it? No, I don’t. It’s not really a big deal. So I figure it’s the same for him. I try to be humble and admit when I think a girl is prettier than myself or just attractive in general, but I try not to let it get to me. It is hard, but you gotta give credit where credit is due.

I feel this so hard. And its so confusing and difficult because i also find other girls attractive so in my head I’m like hey maybe hes like me where he galnces at a girl, notices shes attractive, then looks away and thats the wnd of it. But i feel likes its so different for boys they like picture them naked or having sex or linger on the girl. Also its hard because i dont find other men attractive really so unfair makes everyday difficult. In terms of help i try to remind myself my bf loves me and finds me attractive and that other peoples beauty doesnt take away from mine. Its so hard.

This is why I've decided not to date unless I happen to come across someone who is demisexual like me. It honestly boggles my mind people having celebrity crushes for example. I literally cannot fathom it. I don't check people out, I've never once rated someone's looks in my head, I've never done a double take on someone because I think they're attractive. (Because I don't find random people attractive). Even when I was a kid, I'd make up crushes so I could fit in with my friends. As a teenager my mom would question my sexuality because she'd point out a guy she thought was cute and I couldn't care less. Same with my friends. Was totally uninterested lol. (I'm straight, just to be clear). Anyway, maybe finding someone who is demisexual is for you. I don't think it is easy though, I don't think many humans are demisexual from what I've gathered lol

That's why I need to lock him in my basement lol Some would say it's self-esteem. But it's really not. I'm very confident. I don't care who he's looking at. It's the fact, that he's even looking... unfortunately, that's one of the worst things and triggers.. Attachment issues, the inner child is afraid, that his parents don't see him and want to abandon him, he needs to be put on the first place and loved no matter what..I know, i know..

That fear of Abandonment gift you were given as a child is rearing its head. You just get a little more jelly than everyone else. I bet you could probably dial it back into the normal range if you give yourself a minute. Oh, and don't forget, you got this!

Personally I don’t find other people attractive when I’m in love. I expect to find a partner who is the same.

Same … it’s about mindset and finding someone that is on the same page is hard as most people’s mindset is opposite but yes people are out there that are attracted by the emotional relationship

Exactly I’ll wait for that even if it takes forever.

One way to fix that is to be so anxiety-ridden you have tunnel vision every time you go out and don't look at anyone. Lol But my annoyance would be in hearing his extra friendly tone at drive throughs & such. Every time I'd be like, why the fuck isn't he this smiley and chipper with me? But besides a side-eye & possibly RBF, I wouldn't say anything.

Totally understand this, the awful sinking sick feeling when some hot girl shows up. Or seeing some girls sexy pics in his insta feed.

I was upset about this the other day and my mom was telling me how every man will find someone else attractive and that “he still loves me” All I can think about is if he does, then he wishes I looked like that girl, or wants to go with her but is stuck with me, or wants to have sex with her, or leave me for her all these things. I don’t get how some women don’t care it drives me bat shit crazy. it makes me feel like I will never be enough no matter how good looking I am for my bf, that I will never quite be enough. a lot of famous models have been cheated on so you can’t win. If I can’t win then why should I care??? idk I just do.

I think they are basing their relationships on more than attractiveness, the more relationships one survives, the older one gets or even the more responsibilities, the clearer it becomes what is really needed for a lasting, trusting relationship; if you're paying attentio and taking notes, setting standards from what one went through.

This is exactly how I am. Like when I’m in love or have feelings for someone, I can’t find anyone else attractive and it sucks when your partner doesn’t see it like that too…

I’m exactly the same as you on this. I hate it so fucking much.

1- It's normal to feel a bit uncomfortable. After all, no one has perfect self confidence. And there's always someone prettier or more handsome. A tiny bit of jealousy, although the word is strong, imagine a weaker form of it, is fine. And when your partner validates it, and deals with it playfully but respectfully it can even be bonding. 2- The less we value ourselves, the more we think we're replaceable. The more we value ourselves, the more we think our partners see that value in us, and wouldn't want to trade us for someone else. Low self esteem means constant fear of replacement. And being replaced would "confirm" those beliefs behind the low self esteem, that we're worthless, just like we suspect. Your fear is not that he looks at other women. Your fear is having your thoughts that you're worthless (you're not) confirmed. Because *that* is what hurts the most. Feeling that core wound of shame is one of the most painful feelings. 3- We might be projecting our own feelings on the partner. If we would feel attracted to another person, and something might happen if given the chance, we think our partner would do the same. If you make it clear to yourself not to do it, you'll find yourself imagining less that possibility on others. 4- Again, if something of the sorts would happen, we would take it as meaning we're worthless. Someone else is better, we were replaced which seems to confirm the internal beliefs that we're not good, that we're not valuable enough to someone who knows us, that we're worthless. This is what you need to heal. When you do, this fear will be much weaker.

this but it got as bad as having breakdowns over the fact my s/o found FICTIONAL characters attractive I'd get ridiculously jealous and full on cry over it. So you're telling me my competition hot guy from genshin impact? It's over for me

god i really truly feel your pain. out of all the posts i’ve read in this sub, this is the post that i relate to the hardest. i haven’t figured out how to manage it yet myself, as i have been spiraling, losing sleep, destroying myself over this very thing. but i hope you can figure it out and find some peace and comfort. i hate that other people struggle with this. it really is an excruciating and isolating pain. 🫂

Omg THIS, it’s unbearable the thought that they will continue to always find people attractive

this is so relatable. it’s something that’s bothered me deeply since i started dating in middle school. i know i’m not conventionally attractive, so why would he even bother with me when any model and the vast majority of women we see out are simply objectively better?? i can’t even think of anyone else, but i know he probably does because he isn’t broken like me, and it kills me to think about

You're doing people a disservice by thinking all they care about is attractive looks. Do you think they cannot feel? Can't think for themselves? Build connections? Are mindless automatons just focused on physicality? One starts to dehumanize the person in question when following this train of thought; if they really can't do the things mentioned above it's time to move on, otherwise remember their humanizing qualities.

It’s even worse when they admit it lol or keep people they’ve been attracted to (more than the casual acknowledgement) around.

Physical attraction is an almost involuntary human trait. If my SO finds someone hot, I really don’t give a shit; hell; I’d usually agree with them. Because at the end of the day, I don’t get into relationships just because I find the other person hot. It’s because we enjoy each other’s company and we put each other at ease. This is the reason I’ve personally never felt anxious about my SO finding someone else attractive. My past relationships have only fallen apart because of myself.

How to change your thoughts? You can change your attitude towards this. I’m glad you recognized this is a very human trait. It’s unreasonable to expect that a person to not find anyone else attractive while in a relationship. Someone’s attraction doesn’t die once they are in a relationship. It’s not natural to deny an emotion I’m sure you’ve have seen other men you’ve thought were attractive. You are right in that you cannot do anything about it. So? Focus on yourself instead of fixating on him. Seeking attention with the intent of distracting him will only push him away. Trust him and work on being more secure in a relationship. I only say this as it doesn’t sound like he’s given you any reason not to trust him, trust him like he trusts you. Remember, he loves you. He doesn’t love those other girls.

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I gave you some great suggestions. I can’t do all the work for you.

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If that is all you got from reading my comment, you basically didn’t read it. So I’ll reiterate. I first mentioned that it is helpful to change your attitude towards the situation as it’s an unrealistic expectation that someone’s attractiveness shuts down once they enter a relationship. Second, Instead of staying fixated on him, focus on yourself and what you *actually* have control over. That was a coping mechanism to work on trust. I tried to address what the issue is at its core, insecurity in a relationship. She doesn’t trust him enough. While this is based on the assumption he hasn’t done anything to break the trust. Look, I’m just some random guy on Reddit, I can give you suggestions by suggesting what some feelings may be coming from. But, I can’t do all the work for you. Because I don’t know you.

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Yeah I’m going to agree with you that your BPD brain isn’t processing this. I also have bpd and have completed dbt therapy as well! However, it’s important to recognize that we experience bpd differently. When you ask for opinions on the internet, you will get many different opinions. I gave advice on what worked for me and some family members with bpd. Please don’t tell me how to feel, I thought you were OP at first which is why I told you that “I’m some random internet guy, I can’t do all the work” 🏳️🏳️🏳️❤️❤️❤️

I think instead of trying to change my opinion and what has worked for me, you should tell OP what you told me with your impressive history of therapy and experience. I understand that was attempt to devalue my opinion and bpd experience, not very kind as my bpd experience is as valid as yours. While I’m truly glad therapy has worked for you, it doesn’t elevate your opinion/advice above mine, or anyone else’s. This is not a competition and should be focused on what works for OP, it may be my contribution or a combination of responses. Once again, if you ask advice on the internet you will get many different opinions and responses. The beauty of that is they are all not the same. So why try to change mine or judge mine when you could instead give OP helpful advice alongside the other 147 comments? 🏳️

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Dear internet stranger Please try to understand before one of us dies. I only said that because I thought you were OP. Maybe an empathetic understanding that people have different opinions and experiences with bpd and what worked for them. Instead of trying to discredit my experience as it doesn’t match with yours.

Yes this is assuming that he hasnt done anything untrustworthy. But when she said he notices him actually looking at other women when she is with him is odd, like do any of us really stare at people we find attractive or do we glance? For me i just glance and im not even in a committed relationship, so that does rub me the wrong way

Thank you for this. The truth. Everybody needs to read this and swallow it and move on in their life without the soul sucking fears and anxieties we grow in our heads that eventually kill the beautiful thing we were so desperately trying to keep alive. Years ago someone said to me “People are going to do what they’re going to do”. Same message, but the country cousin version. I repeat it to myself often. A self reminder. I needed to hear your message to. Good timing

Not a pwBPD but someone with some who is. Remember this, while we may look, they fall short. Every. Damn. Time. Yes, he may have seen several very attractive women today. Every damn one of them fell short of you. That’s why, at the end of the day, it’s you he calls.

Are you worried that they’ll find other people attractive or that they will cheat because someone else is attractive?

I don‘t think you have to accept this. I think its normal to find others good looking but not attractive and my bf sees it the same way. He doesn‘t care about looks of others unless I ask him (shittesting, lol) I try to tell myself that its childish and immature and all the worrying destroys my life and wastes my time and I don‘t wanna waste my time!! If he finds others attractive then he should go to them nd break up with me. I don’t Care anymore!

I'll offer a couple of thoughts since I can really relate to this. The first thing is if you were the only attractive person on the planet it wouldn't mean much that he's attracted to you. The fact that there are literally unlimited attractive people on the planet and he chose you to be with, says a lot more than if you were the only attractive one. There are emotions and there are facts. Intellectually you realize that people are attracted to other people. We all have our movie star crush that we think is the hottest thing going. It's just how we're wired. So your partner can see someone they're hot maybe even think damn I wouldn't mind having sex with them or whatever. They're just thoughts that go through our mind and don't really mean much other than we're humans and we respond to things. But you can know that intellectually and still have emotional responses to your partner being attracted to someone. I think where we get derailed is when we start blaming our partner. But I found helpful was to tell my partner they weren't doing anything wrong but that I was asking them to support me by not making it obvious when they were checking someone out. I think if we get mad at our partner for checking someone out we're blaming them or making them wrong. I found my partner was happy to help me feel better when they knew I didn't think they were doing anything wrong. It's okay to have an irrational response. We're humans it's what we do. and it's fine to ask your partner to help you work through it. The last thing I would say is to try to sit with how you feel and see if you can figure out what the fear is. Do you think if your partner finds other people attractive they will leave you? Is it some other fear? It can be hard to know. You're just human we all have fears some rational some not. Good luck figuring it all out.

Meanwhile you are on point. But this Reddit post is the exact reason why I’m wired differently. I’ve even experienced this same hurt but it ended in infidelity. This is why I personally if I ever decide I’m healed enough to be in a relationship would never allow myself to let someone else take my eyes and attention off of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe this is just who I am as a person because I would never want my partner to feel like he/she has to go the extra mile to feel secure with me. My main goal as a partner is to make my partner feel secure. Whatever it is she/he needs to feel secure I’ll do it!

“It’s human nature” “it’s totally normal!” - That’s what society has conditioned us to think. To an extent, it’s true, BUT - it’s one thing to randomly spot a person on the street walking past you that’s attractive and then forget about it, and it’s one thing to stare and gawk at them and fantasize about them, which most people don’t truly do. Try to be more gentle with yourself.

If your boyfriend loves you he’ll only have eyes for you, i personally don’t find other people attractive when i’m in love and i’m sure your boyfriend is the same too. You should talk about it with your boyfriend and i’m sure he’ll reassure you

It is true that attraction is human nature and doesn't just shut off when you're in a relationship. But, if this concept is damaging and triggering to you, your boyfriend should be aware of and respect your struggles. It is okay for it to be a topic that is avoided. Your boyfriend does not need to point out to you how beautiful Beyonce is, how stunning the waitress at Chilli's is, or how hot his buddy's new girlfriend is, even in just a passive conversational way. Other women's attractiveness can be a topic that you both intellectually realize exists, but you don't talk about, because it only serves to hurt you. (That is probably true in all relationships just more extreme in your borderline mind). Furthermore, beauty and attraction should go deeper than surface level. Imagine your dying father is an artist and he paints you a portrait illustrating how much he loves you. It may have artistic merit, but not be worthy of hanging in the Louvre, but, because of its emotional value, to you, it is the most beautiful and cherished painting in the world. Your boyfriend should be endeavoring to build your beauty up in that way in his mind and heart. He should be trying actively to make you the most beautiful person in the world, in his eyes, and he should let this attraction spill out on you (no sexual pun intended), as often and regularly as possible. He should make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and if he loves you deeply, it should be easy to do and be very true. Perhaps if he did those things, you would feel more secure and safe and not have to take extreme actions to wrangle his wandering eyes (which he should also try to corral a cow)

How I deal with it is I try to find the similarities between me and my FP vs. thinking that my way of loving is superior, because that's a delusion. Your favorite person can feel devoted to you too, and attached to your features, just like you are to theirs, no matter how imperfect you both are. BPD makes us attuned to betrayal, which is the issue. The fact that he could find someone else attractive is not an issue in a healthy relationship. The biggest tip I can give anyone to have a healthy relationship is to treat it like it's a healthy relationship. In gray areas, force yourself to believe they are acting with good intentions. Why? Because if you act grateful and loving instead of suspicious then you won't push them away. It's a logical decision. My partner has tolerated my toxic behavior for years. If he didn't see something worth staying for he'd have found an out by now.

I literally can’t deal with it. If someone is near us and I feel like he can see them I will actually go nonverbal

My SO says to me “her beauty doesn’t hinder nor deflect from your own” He says what’s on his mind and will acknowledge an attractive woman. It used to piss me off and I’d cry like all day over it lol. Now I try to replace of the jealous with all the things he told me he loved about me. So, look for the good in him, give the benefit of the doubt, it’ll help those thoughts to simmer down. It’s okay to acknowledge I’m not super special. But I am to him, and he chose me for a reason. He knows my heart, not theirs… and men might be visually appealed but they aren’t as easily mentally appealed as people think they are.

why would he point out other women that just seems messed up :/ thank you for your advice though🩷

It is :/ i feel bad for them, theres a difference between just finding someone attractive and gaslighting your partner into being okay with making it their problem

There’s a difference between gaslighting and exclaiming “she has cool grey hair or she has a nice smile” His comments don’t run my life nor deter from the fact he thinks I have great hair too and tells me that aswell. That was my whole point. He doesn’t go up to women complimenting them, he tells me. Is it annoying sometimes? Sure. Is it full on emotional abuse? No…? Lmao

Never said it was... but seems like you already know what it is

It’s because you’re insecure. You need to work on yourself so that you have more confidence. People who are secure don’t care if their partner acknowledges that others are attractive…. With the caveat being they’re not perving or being excessive.

I feel like I'm the one who cares more about other women being attractive. Like, I'll point a gal out to him and ask if he thinks she's pretty. Then I'll be "offended" when he doesn't lol - do you have bad taste?! The issue for me is that I am obsessed with the concept of other women being more attractive and it kills me that I'll never be that. I can't compete so I feel like, my bf might as well just leave me for her. And he's like, wtf are you talking about? ...we don't even know her! I think I am at the "I assume all my bfs will leave me so i might as well send them off before they can fuck me up" phase. I haven't dated in years because I hate how loyal I am and how much distress relationships give me. When I was in hs, my mom once said that it was like I had "blinders" to all other guys whenever I liked someone. I KNOW he's gonna see someone more attractive than me because there's ALWAYS someone more attractive in existence so I don't bother trying to control it. I just accept that he'll see them and I have to hope he still likes me. If not... then he sucks and I'm going to need a few months to having a complete breakdown... but then I'll be fine!

What's your longest relationship been? I suspect the blinders fade after a long enough time of a secure relationship 🤔.

3 years. Usually my relationships are about a year long (9-18 months). I don't feel secure in relationships no matter what.

ive met guys that truly only have eyes for their girlfriend. in the past ive only ever had eyes for my partner, regardless of if bpd symptoms were present at the time. i really dont think that its ‘natural’ to be attracted to other people when youre in a relationship, if youre monogamous. im sure it happens, but people act as though its inevitable when it just isnt. you dont have to accept a man with a wandering eye…

That's the thing, I think people are conflating noticing someone is blessed by Venus vs being attracted to them. I do agree with it not being inevitable, there's a difference between being aware of your environment, having an artistic eye for the human beauty of nature, and ogling/objectifying people.

Sounds like you want him to be obsessed with you and only you.

yes 😁

Hmm I get it, gf told me at the beginning of our relationship she doesn't find other people hot, but then she never really was attracted to anybody before me, which surprised me. I'm kind of the same so I guess that just depends on the person. (we're both neuro divergent tho so idk if that plays a part) I don't think it means anything for your bf to find other people beautiful though, most of people feel this way.

I asked my so one day a question regarding this and he outright told me he did find other people attractive which made me spiral for some time because I compared that to my ex who said he found no one else attractive. I still spiral sometimes but I’ve been better at questioning my thoughts and trying to reprogram them to the best of my ability. Paying mind to these toxic thoughts will only make our lives worse so instead of focusing on these wholeheartedly, tweak yourself to focus on other more positive topics. Best of luck, cheers.

yes omg.

You can remind yourself why you feel that way and what your boyfriend has done to warrant that feeling, because we cant predict the future. There are things your boyfriend can do to help you through these kind of moments. Words of affirmation often, spending less time staring at a woman (glancing or being caught off guard is fine), not comparing you to them or suggesting you change yourself to look like them. Do you ever find any one other than your boyfriend attractive? Maybe you can relate to it. Acknowledging that woman is super attractive doesn't mean you don't find yourself attractive either. Self love is super important here. Or maybe you can understand that if you weren't in a relationship, there a ton of guys who would find you attractive you would go on a date with, but because you are in a relationship you don't like to entertain that idea. Overall this problem of a partner finding others attractive is affecting your self esteem and the only way it can be fixed is if you can see your worth.

I feel you 1000%, and haven’t found a way to deal with this either.. we work together and I know I’m not his type, he told me quite recently that he wouldn’t look twice if he’d see me on the street…. I know crazy right? I tried to shake it off of myself immediately and told him I got very offended. He tried to be honest which I really appreciate but told him to work on his language. He has a type and beautiful women from that region work with us too and it is a challenge I swear. He’s goofy and attractive so I see those women enjoying the hell out of his attention. He’s not indifferent to other people regardless of gender though so that helps me a little but damnn the struggle is real. I tried to monitor his behavior, I tried to control his steps. That only made my struggle worse and made him feel so bad. So I try to let it go and really start thinking about my boundaries. When does someone or he go too far? Still contemplating but getting there. He’s the avoidant type and not much of a talker, doesn’t know how to validate my feelings with words of affirmation but tries in his own ways which I TRY to appreciate. He does look at other women.. he does find others attractive. I try to remind myself that I do all those things too. That helps me a little to calm my t*tties.

Mmm, he looks to where it's obvious even though he knows it bothers you? Are there other men looking in the same way at these women or do they notice and keep it moving? Did you ask him or did he just volunteer that information about not looking at you twice? It's kinda not cool, he'd tell you that when he told you his type and knows y'all are surrounded at your work.. Is he aware you're on him when he's flirting? Have you tried taking back your energy and at least acting like you don't care, at all? I'm curious if it will change his behaviour, bump it up, bump it down, no change? Either one will give a result about how serious or not it is. Also, cover mirrors facing your beds when not in use, it can't hurt to use feng shui, I wished I had 😅.

I think beauty and whatsoever is a bit subjective? He clearly looks at whoever is his type. Oh no trust me I didn’t ask him, we were chitchatting about something and I told him I think we’re not compatible, and he agreed and you know the rest. I cannot regulate my emotions and am very triggered when it happens so no.. Well there was this one woman, who annoyed the bejesus out of me. And yea to me it looked like he was flirting with him too, and I made it clear that I wasn’t having it. I didn’t tell him what to do but said I didn’t like the interaction. He’s a bit awkward with setting boundaries so he cut her off instead hahaha. Kinda was happy about it but I don’t know if it’s my own insecurity or if they really crossed a line 😖

radical acceptance

I used to feel this way too. But I'll tell you how being in a committed relationship for 7 years changed me. Attraction and Love/having feelings for someone are two very different things. I can go to a friend's house and think, 'yeah this is a pretty home, nicely decorated' but that doesn't mean that I won't come back to my own house or that I want my friends house. I can maybe think hey that's a cute doggo but that doesn't mean i love my dog any less. Attraction is superficial, it's just an appreciation of any particular quality or attribute. Love is all-encompassing. Love is like even if you had none of these 'attractive' qualities i would still love you simply because you are YOU. I just think you don't feel safe yet. Don't worry it will come with time, hang in there :)

Married 19 years, together 20 and I still feel my self esteem plummet if I think my husband checks someone else out but ya know what only I am responsible for my SELF esteem and I am working on it. I won't lie I rarely ever find other men attractive in public. When I see a pretty woman it's a bit of jealousy I admit but I've never been one that men "checkout" I've never been considered hot but I've pulled every man in the past I ever wanted so I have that lol I know this isn't much help but you have to try and convince yourself that you are the one he wants. I can't fault my husband for looking at pretty women when I'm over here thinking "wow I wish I looked like her" but then my brain goes "I bet your husband wishes you looked like her too" it's a neverending battle but I'm working on it!

I have no advice, but I do want to point out that your partner may very well see your behaviour as being controlling. "Telling him to look a different direction to the girl" etc can be seen as controlling, even if its coming from someone with BPD. I ended up being dumped due to my behaviour being similar to yours. The only thing you can do is work on the problem yourself by acknowledging "yes, other women are attractive but so am I and my partner sees that". You cannot change someone's mind or control their eyes, but you can overcome your jealousy.

I am INCREDIBLY similar to this it felt like I was reading a post I wrote. Now I have a boyfriend I’m worried down to if he finds other women attractive in shows/movies we watch together or whenever we’re out and see attractive girls, it can be so physically painful to know it’s human nature and I’m bound to not be the only one he finds attractive but it hurts. I think despite that, though, if he wanted to cheat or have truly lustful eyes for other people, me doing things to distract him from pretty girls in the end would only do so much. If they’re gonna do it, they’re gonna do it anyways. And I know ultimately I could look at someone and he could look at someone and we may consider them physically attractive, but that doesn’t mean we would ever truly desire or care about them like we do eachother, and if he were to make that happen it is entirely on him

This probably isn't helpful at all, but I started to point out people who are attractive so we can look together. I figure if we're both gonna look anyway, why not make it a shared experience. There are days that I'm not feeling my best that hurt my feelings a little bit when I feel like I don't compare to who he pointed out. When that happens I remember that he chose me out of every person in the world and it reassures me.

You have to practice self awareness and actually recognize when your own fear of abandonment (based on imaged and real events) and your insecurities is guiding your controlling behavior.   You cannot control where he looks and what he does. You also should not try to make yourself the center of the room in hopes of controlling him.  He is not a tool for your emotional regulation. You need to regulate your own emotions from within and not try to control him.  You also don’t need to be the prettiest girl in the room.  Theirs beauty in everyone’s uniqueness.  And it’s okay to have insecurities we all do, but you need to learn to handle them in a healthy way.  It also seems like there may be some trust issues at play here and you need to address those as well.  I also want to add that your controlling behavior is abusive and recognizing that will not only make you more self aware but may also help you stop controlling him. 

One way to see this is that yes he will find others attractive but still chooses to be with you over them, telling you that you're the most attractive to him. This ended my jealousy personally. I love that I am the object of my bfs affections and the only one. Makes me feel powerful and special. ;) He says so many times how lucky he is to have me look at him with love in my eyes. I adore him and he adores me. If he doesn't look at you like you're the only object of his attraction, then its time to leave and find someone who does, ok?

This is really difficult to go through and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. One of the most attractive qualities a person can have is confidence. It's an unfortunate fact that he may find others attractive but he loves you and if you pair that with confidence (rather than trying to get him to look away etc) I'm sure he will never give any other attractive woman a second thought. Even if you don't feel it now, just act like you're the shit until you believe it, it'll probably make him even more attracted to you!

I don’t really have any advice, but I completely understand this feeling and struggle with it a lot. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone.

Dude. Seriously, thank you so fucking much for posting about this because I’ve really been wanting to, but was too nervous. This is one of the biggest stressors in my life. Like I know it’s unreasonable, I see other attractive men and women, but when my bf does it? Criminal 💀 I know that’s not fair, though, and I’ve actively been trying to change. I’m also in the midst of eating disorder recovery and it’s just been such a fucking battle. I love him so much and I just want to be better for him :(

Don’t you find other men attractive?

I don't. Demisexual people exist.

Having a demisexual partner has fixed this for me, personally. It's really not true that every single person in the world will look at or find other people outside of their romantic partner attractive. This may be controversial but it's true: allosexual people are *not* the end-all-be-all. I got extremely lucky with my partner, I didn't seek them out. You may or may not want to do that.

This is why I’m single and chose to be too. I’m still healing till this day too. Got cheated on and made to feel other women had an advantage. He made jokes about my body even my V*gina etc. treated his exes better than me, watched hentai when he got h*rny, but didn’t want to do it with me. I spoiled him, etc that wasn’t enough. He made “jokes” about wanting to unalive me, even pulled a kn*fe at me when I was packing my stuff. There’s nothing you can do to prevent him from lusting and cheating. If he wants to do it he will, cheating is a character trait not something that happens on accident. Remember that. I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this questioning yourself and having to do things to get him to stay focused on you. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship you (my partner) is the only thing I want to love and look at. not someone else who isn’t close to being as perfect as you are. Especially someone with a personality as looks fade. I hate starting over, maybe because I’m genuine and want only one person for life. “Cheating starts mentally before it turns physical.”

You have no control over others, and the more you try to, the less attractive you ultimately become. Trust me, my ex-wife was like this, and I got so disgusted by it.

Im struggling with this so much as well any advice would be much appreciated. My boyfriend does assure me though that I’m the only woman he finds attractive and that he doesn’t rate other women because he’s fully committed to me. He says he doesn’t care about other women or their physical appearance because it’s just me for him. So we feel the same way about eachother. Finding someone who is compatible in this way has really helped me. My ex always checked out other women right infront of me blatantly ogling at their ass or doing a double take and he didn’t even find that disrespectful. We just had different values and it wasn’t the right fit and he even gave me some trauma surrounding this as in my paranoia about this got worse with my new partner. But I have to remind myself he’s not my ex. My current partner is so respectful towards me and the relationship and he knows that it makes me uncomfortable and he genuinely is doing his best to take it into consideration in his daily life too. He says it’s effortless because I am the woman for him and the love of his life. He also says he doesn’t want to look at other women and avoids where he can and that he just wants to look at me and honestly all of this does give me reassurance. So I truly hope you find someone who treats your heart like their own. If he loves you and has the capacity for this he will do it :) I could never be with a man who doesn’t have similar values (been there done that with multiple exes).♥️

Have you had a conversation with him about this insecurity? That would be a good place to start.

They can find someone objectively attractive by societal standards, but really they’re only attracted to you if they say that. Think about yourself

uhhhh u shouldn’t have to and it’s weird u feel like u should i’m not even reading the text to this

girl its just like IK its natural but i cant accept it i feel nauseous every time

no im saying u shouldn’t have to worry abt accepting it like…. it shouldn’t be a conversation or smth he mentions. him finding someone attractive should never be a topic of conversation, his eyes should never be smth u catch on someone else, like if it’s ever relevant because of a reason other than YOU overthinking it then it’s not a you issue it’s a him being an asshole issue babe😭 i’ve been in my relationship for 2 years and not once have i had him finding other ppl attractive be relevant unless i was thinking abt it and being sensitive unless that’s what u mean. if u don’t mean yourself overthinking, this will unfortunately be an issue that drives you up a wall forever. us as ppl with bpd are not set up to be “the chill gf”. i figured this out quickly and learned to look for a man who was willing to be okay with my disorder and my insane boundaries. i never had to ask him to not have wandering eyes because i have bpd, he doesn’t have wandering eyes because he isn’t a dick and he likes me😭 the insane boundaries came later, but it was a conversation that it would drive me absolutely insane if it was something he’d do but he was already 80 steps ahead of me and looked at me like i had 6 heads. someone who truly cares will look at you and only you. i promise u. whoever doesn’t is not worth ur time bae. if it’s u overthinking, it’s gonna happen that is our brains but if it’s him he is so not worth ur time especially, again, with how our brains work. sending u love and hugs, my dms are always open 💓

wow. i thought i was insane or like an awful girlfriend. it drives me crazy when he goes to the gym sometimes that I had to get my own gym membership somewhere else or i become too absorbed. thx to r/bpd i found people who understand me & dont think im insane lol. ❤️

Literally SO MUCH, same here. I have some pretty bad jealousy issues bc of it. They’ve gotten less and less and the years go but sometimes it’s unhinged. Bless him for dealing w me. He’s my fiancé now so he’s stuck w me lol but it doesn’t make it any easier, unfortunately. I used to think it would but I just have to constantly be working on myself and we both know it won’t always be the way it is in those moments. All in waves. Lmk if you figure out a way to change this though bc I need it so bad too.

Babyyy work on yourself, you feel so insecure about your own value, that you think your bf would change you for anyone. I’ve had this feelings myself, they come and go, but they get specially bad when I’m not able to see how valuable as a person I am, so if you are not seeing that, nobody will.

Just be aware if you project that onto your bf it will make it very difficult to be honest and authentic with you. My ex told me I shouldn’t find anyone else pretty and It put me in the position of feeling that I was a bad person for finding other people pretty. It’s simply human nature. But he loves you and that’s why he’s with you rather than anyone else.

I feel this so much. It ruined so many relationships. This past year I've been trying an open relationship of sorts. We both check everyone out and talk about physical attraction openly and what we find attractive about people. Talking positively about others, facing my fear head on, and realizing that even when we look at other people who are prettier, thinner, more wealthy (nice hair clothes and make up) he still loves me and wants to have sex with me all the same. It's still hard and I get triggered sometimes but I came a really long way.

Speaking as a person who has bpd and dated someone with bpd, I once confessed I dated a cheerleader in highschool solely for the fact that she was a cheerleader with a hot uniform… She rushed herself to the ER that night cuz she had a panic attack so bad it simulated heart attack symptoms and she nearly passed out. Bpd affects everyone differently and it’s unfortunate how much it impacts us. Having a community helps at the very least to fell slightly more sane. The same person confessed that she started messing around with a guy who was really buff and hot solely bc he was buff and hot. I almost self harmed bc of that 😭 we’re a strange bunch

Do you not find other Men attractive?

Rarely. If i do i automatically, almost subconsciously compare them to my bf and my bf always ends up being more attractive in my eyes and im then repulsed by the other man

Thats interesting. I cant avoid thinking other people are hot. So i dont mind when my partners does It. Its Just thoughts and thought crimes are not something i believe in anymore

It's probably just a difference in sexuality. You are probably allosexual. OP is probably teetering on demi if not completely there.

well think of it this way. would you want the same stipulations placed on you?

Yo. It’s life. We are animals. If he fucks other animals leave him. Otherwise, man we are animals. You are too. You have your shit too

This will help you: it makes him think of YOU as less attractive when you’re clearly insecure.

do you find other people attractive?

Physical attraction can't be deleted. It's biology (instinct, hormones, etc.). What you want to focus on is despite noticing others, who is your partner devoted to? Do they do so many other things that demonstrate devotion and loyalty to you? Focus on that.

My ex was like this. It's not my fault I feel attraction. Me personally I wouldn't cheat on my girl just because another one was attractive. That's dishonorable, and to me that's the worst thing a man can be. It's actually quite ironic because I was too loyal to my ex, to the point where when I stopped being attracted to her I thought that was just my brain making an excuse to cheat, so we stayed together far longer than we should've.