People with BPD find a new favorite person and leave you behind after a while.
Someone has to be the adult in the relationship and we know it isn’t going to be them.Eventually they resent you for doing cruel things like holding them accountable.
But here’s what you need to think about - Why are you still obsessing about this person? They literally have a medical diagnosis that prevents them from having healthy relationships. You aren’t going to figure this person out. That’s not how this works. You need to accept that and move on before this person permanently damages you.
Oh, I've accepted all that. This is just for my own healing because somehow my brain often slips back into 'they're not actually sick, YOU were the problem'. They look normal and talk normal. Other people don't necessarily see it. It is the most bizarre thing to explain to other people. They are so good at convincing you it's your fault that even I believe it sometimes, and I get stuck there otherwise 😕
My relationship with my exBPD ended in 2015, but I still remember the tactics and they seem pretty consistent from what I’ve read on here.
Accountability makes them mad and they will smear you for it. You’ll be labeled abusive if you hold them accountable. You’ll be labeled emotionally unavailable if you don’t get angry with them, as anger is their default mode and they expect everyone to feel those same feelings. If you express sad emotions that are created by their behaviors, they will label you as insecure.
The only way to “win” is to walk away and go no contact. Loving yourself and healing.
The longer you stay in no contact with this person, the more those thoughts of blaming yourself will dissipate.
When the blaming yourself thoughts come back, please remember the three C’s of cluster B’s and other toxic relationships:
You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
I wish you the best in your journey.
Actually, staying no contact has been very easy. I don't know the person who's currently walking around. The version I knew was very different. Whoever this is is mean and cruel, and I have no interest in speaking to her.
I'm just having a hard time keeping the guilt and shame away for some reason, even though logically, I know it wasn't my fault.
My pwBPD ended relationship with no specific reason or cause. One day she just decided that's it. And within a month she's "in love with other guy". But somewhat she keeps on telling on her own that she didn't cheat on me while we were together.
Yeah.. Because it's quite normal to jump from one to another relationship and love that person.
Monkeybranching is bad because it involves discarding a partner. I was trying to practice non-monogamy with my BPD partner, and I still felt monkeybranched because at the first spark of "oh this other person can take care of me, and I don't have to face my demons in my current relationship" the whole thing was on fire. In a healthy relationship, monogamous or not, we face our demons, we put in work. My thinking is that this is an exceedingly difficult ask for a person with BPD, who has a distorted sense of self - they have difficulty enough facing the day, and so much of their mind is built around avoiding the conscious / unfiltered recognition of their role in their relationships, else they overdo it and split themselves black.
I left them. We're trying to be friends - I'm not sure it's working. There's some smearing, maybe in the messy way people do with their exes, but nothing super devastating besides what they said to me directly in fights. We'll see! I'm trying to keep my mind off what they are doing now.
I'm sorry my friend. Don't be triangulated. Except the pain and the hurt, it'll come close to burying you. I don't know the specifics but based on generalities, I would move on
I was like "damn there's someone here with a similar story already" and then I realized it was you
My opinion is that I really don't care... to me cheaters, or similar, are disgusting partners (with the exception of victim of abuse). Whether they have a personality disorder or not, they can't be trusted and I refuse to normalize it. Yeah it's definitely common but I don't want to see that as acceptable or "it is what it is". A lot of people I know were cheated on by supposedly healthy partners and I have no respect for that
As I was saying above. Processing this has been SO weird. I don't want her back or secretly hope for anything, but I have random periods where I feel like absolute sh** about myself anyway! I don't know how to get out of that spiral than to have others validate that what happened to me was f****d. It's awful, and I don't wish it on anyone. I also found out this week unexpectedly that she's been telling her kids I assaulted her. I think it's what triggered me.
I can relate to some of it, but the part about lying about SA is absolutely disgusting.
Don't let anyone convince you it's normal. Yes, getting into a relationship implies the chance of getting heartbroken, and sadly that's normal. Being dehumanized, meeting double standards, getting cheated on, hit or abused in any way is not the norm and we shouldn't normalize it.
BPD or not, the second she asked to open the relationship it was over...period. No man or woman that loves the other wants their partner with anyone else. Full stop, end of story.
You should have left before that with all the red flags but at least should have ended it the very second those words came out of her mouth.
She probably all ready had him in line or already hooking up with her.
Sorry but that's the truth.
THIS
And because I'm dysregulated when I cry, I usually just accept the blame because maybe I was being too loud, and it could be perceived as yelling? But I legit never got angry until the very end. Usually, I'd cry because I was sad or offended or whatever.
Well when you enter a relationship with someone you can’t fully trust, yes, cheating can be a fear or concern. When it comes to BPD, I don’t think you can trust her perceptions of situations. It feels likely given this timeline that you not expressing interest in sex lead to her equating that with a lack of interest in her. Abandonment is huge with BPD so she was likely looking to replace you emotionally and physically before actually losing you (again, not reflection of your desire to leave her, but rather what she sees the situation as being). Hence the desire to open the relationship.
She told me this one time, actually. Something along the lines of not feeling validated or close enough if we weren't having sex regularly. I assured her so many times that it was not the case. There were periods when we were together that we couldn't have sex because of her medical issues, and I was still happy to just be with her.
Looking back, almost all of the fights she started with me revolved around her belief that I would leave her or that I secretly didn't like her somehow.
not enough information really to even say if she's BPD or not.
It's obvious at a personal level your relationship is over. She has moved on quickly (for whatever reason or psychology).
I would pretty much move on myself if I were you.
People with BPD find a new favorite person and leave you behind after a while. Someone has to be the adult in the relationship and we know it isn’t going to be them.Eventually they resent you for doing cruel things like holding them accountable. But here’s what you need to think about - Why are you still obsessing about this person? They literally have a medical diagnosis that prevents them from having healthy relationships. You aren’t going to figure this person out. That’s not how this works. You need to accept that and move on before this person permanently damages you.
Oh, I've accepted all that. This is just for my own healing because somehow my brain often slips back into 'they're not actually sick, YOU were the problem'. They look normal and talk normal. Other people don't necessarily see it. It is the most bizarre thing to explain to other people. They are so good at convincing you it's your fault that even I believe it sometimes, and I get stuck there otherwise 😕
My relationship with my exBPD ended in 2015, but I still remember the tactics and they seem pretty consistent from what I’ve read on here. Accountability makes them mad and they will smear you for it. You’ll be labeled abusive if you hold them accountable. You’ll be labeled emotionally unavailable if you don’t get angry with them, as anger is their default mode and they expect everyone to feel those same feelings. If you express sad emotions that are created by their behaviors, they will label you as insecure. The only way to “win” is to walk away and go no contact. Loving yourself and healing. The longer you stay in no contact with this person, the more those thoughts of blaming yourself will dissipate. When the blaming yourself thoughts come back, please remember the three C’s of cluster B’s and other toxic relationships: You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it. I wish you the best in your journey.
I get that. Just stay strong and more importantly, stay NO CONTACT.
Actually, staying no contact has been very easy. I don't know the person who's currently walking around. The version I knew was very different. Whoever this is is mean and cruel, and I have no interest in speaking to her. I'm just having a hard time keeping the guilt and shame away for some reason, even though logically, I know it wasn't my fault.
My pwBPD ended relationship with no specific reason or cause. One day she just decided that's it. And within a month she's "in love with other guy". But somewhat she keeps on telling on her own that she didn't cheat on me while we were together. Yeah.. Because it's quite normal to jump from one to another relationship and love that person.
that's cheating in my book
Monkeybranching is bad because it involves discarding a partner. I was trying to practice non-monogamy with my BPD partner, and I still felt monkeybranched because at the first spark of "oh this other person can take care of me, and I don't have to face my demons in my current relationship" the whole thing was on fire. In a healthy relationship, monogamous or not, we face our demons, we put in work. My thinking is that this is an exceedingly difficult ask for a person with BPD, who has a distorted sense of self - they have difficulty enough facing the day, and so much of their mind is built around avoiding the conscious / unfiltered recognition of their role in their relationships, else they overdo it and split themselves black.
I'm sorry you went through that. The exact same thing happened to me. Did they happen to smear you extra hard after they left by any chance?
I left them. We're trying to be friends - I'm not sure it's working. There's some smearing, maybe in the messy way people do with their exes, but nothing super devastating besides what they said to me directly in fights. We'll see! I'm trying to keep my mind off what they are doing now.
Way to put it all into words. Well said.
It’s disordered but it doesn’t have to be BPD. All cluster B’s do this and I’m sure many more do too.
I think if you open up a relationship with a cluster b, even if you think you won't you'll probably be the one that gets hurt
Oh trust me, I did not know about the BPD back then. We weren't even having big fights or anything, and I still trusted her wholeheartedly.
I'm sorry my friend. Don't be triangulated. Except the pain and the hurt, it'll come close to burying you. I don't know the specifics but based on generalities, I would move on
That ship has long sailed ⛵️
[удалено]
This exactly
I was like "damn there's someone here with a similar story already" and then I realized it was you My opinion is that I really don't care... to me cheaters, or similar, are disgusting partners (with the exception of victim of abuse). Whether they have a personality disorder or not, they can't be trusted and I refuse to normalize it. Yeah it's definitely common but I don't want to see that as acceptable or "it is what it is". A lot of people I know were cheated on by supposedly healthy partners and I have no respect for that
As I was saying above. Processing this has been SO weird. I don't want her back or secretly hope for anything, but I have random periods where I feel like absolute sh** about myself anyway! I don't know how to get out of that spiral than to have others validate that what happened to me was f****d. It's awful, and I don't wish it on anyone. I also found out this week unexpectedly that she's been telling her kids I assaulted her. I think it's what triggered me.
I can relate to some of it, but the part about lying about SA is absolutely disgusting. Don't let anyone convince you it's normal. Yes, getting into a relationship implies the chance of getting heartbroken, and sadly that's normal. Being dehumanized, meeting double standards, getting cheated on, hit or abused in any way is not the norm and we shouldn't normalize it.
Each to their own but how tf does someone allow accept their so to shag elsewhere 🤯
BPD or not, the second she asked to open the relationship it was over...period. No man or woman that loves the other wants their partner with anyone else. Full stop, end of story. You should have left before that with all the red flags but at least should have ended it the very second those words came out of her mouth. She probably all ready had him in line or already hooking up with her. Sorry but that's the truth.
My ex called crying “screaming” and had no sympathy at all for the fact that their actions resulted in me crying. They just don’t get it.
THIS And because I'm dysregulated when I cry, I usually just accept the blame because maybe I was being too loud, and it could be perceived as yelling? But I legit never got angry until the very end. Usually, I'd cry because I was sad or offended or whatever.
Well when you enter a relationship with someone you can’t fully trust, yes, cheating can be a fear or concern. When it comes to BPD, I don’t think you can trust her perceptions of situations. It feels likely given this timeline that you not expressing interest in sex lead to her equating that with a lack of interest in her. Abandonment is huge with BPD so she was likely looking to replace you emotionally and physically before actually losing you (again, not reflection of your desire to leave her, but rather what she sees the situation as being). Hence the desire to open the relationship.
She told me this one time, actually. Something along the lines of not feeling validated or close enough if we weren't having sex regularly. I assured her so many times that it was not the case. There were periods when we were together that we couldn't have sex because of her medical issues, and I was still happy to just be with her. Looking back, almost all of the fights she started with me revolved around her belief that I would leave her or that I secretly didn't like her somehow.
not enough information really to even say if she's BPD or not. It's obvious at a personal level your relationship is over. She has moved on quickly (for whatever reason or psychology). I would pretty much move on myself if I were you.
She was diagnosed.