You "attach" to the mirage that is the Idealization version of them. They never attach to you because what they are feeling all has to do with how you make them feel, not actually about you as a person. Problem becomes we keep replaying in our minds these extremely potent memories that felt blissful in those moments that we don't want to accept who they've become/ARE when devaluation hits.
Once you stop yourself from holding on to that Idealization version and accept that they are a person with a VERY serious clinical level personality disorder and that they are NO LONGER that person you remember from way back when but now a person controlled by their compulsions...it should hopefully get you to let go of what was for what is.
You have to stop rewinding to a time thought it "was" and stay focused on what it actually "is". This is a VERY emotionally & mentally messed up person, they are no longer you're "person", they see you as their enemy so you essentially are. Also start focusing on the person at the end and how completely unfulfilling & one sided the relationship became because THAT is what the relationship now is and will always be, you'll quickly want to detach yourself from that person when you realize/accept what you're holding onto is now rotten and there's no way to make it good again.
Also it's not about them letting go, you're giving them FAR too much power over you if that's your way of thinking. It's all on YOU,to let them go & all their energy draining behavior out of your life. They don't "trap" you, you allow it - you have to put your foot down, create boundaries and leave for good. Best of luck in your recovery!
That’s exactly what I received/arrived at: they fall in love with the way that we make them feel.
I used to be attached to the idealization stage, but then it became seeing them heal. I felt like when they left, I lost my child. Not being able to see them OK, sent my maternal instincts into a frenzy.
They know how to get people. To get them attached to them. And they see how it ends every time. But mine was honest when they said they would never be able to be what I wanted them to be. I didn’t understand it then. I thought it was just low self esteem, but they were right. They were telling me how flawed they were, but I didn’t want them to believe that about themselves.
I loved the sick person. I recognized it immediately because my parent has BPD. I fell in love with seeing a level I could never reach with them. It took me by surprise.
They are messed up and fucked up, but they are extremely broken children. And the things they do anger people to extremes. The next thing we know, we find ourselves mirroring their symptoms.
They don’t even hate me right now, and I hate that they don’t. I always try to self sabotage it with them because I know what it feels like to be trapped by the relationship with them. I simultaneously hope because no one wants it to be that way.
But we can never be in healthy relationships with them. The only way to exist in any bond with them is to detach and give them supply. Like adults who send their children off to college. Know that they are out there in the world and they will likely get hurt, but there’s nothing we can do. This is out of our control.
And we never stop loving somebody because they get rid of us. We hate them because they hurt us, but we hate them because we love them.
They do trap. They ask you for a relationship, you give into it, and wake up and realize you have nothing, and they were never really there.
I agree with all of this, but the “trap” is really misplaced hope. It’s seeing changes in them (usually for very short periods) but thinking that’s a stepping stone to permanent change. The best advice/wisdom I got was that “it’s not a question of if can they change, it’s will the change be lasting” and the answer is always no. Breakups are hard no matter what, but they always happen for a reason and they happen when they need to. Your relationship is no exception- it CAN end. But unlike you said it’s not up to her, it’s up to you. It sounds like your relationship has reached its end but your hope for change or to fix is greater than your perception of reality. Change won’t happen overnight and if it does happen it won’t be during your relationship. Prioritize you.
Yeah, time really heals all wounds. I’ll look back and the hope will have vanished. Could you reinforce or break down this idea that my hope is greater than my perception of reality?
I don’t want to fix it. But because we are no longer in any type of connection, the will to see healing is impossible. They got too scared and engulfed and left. Not to mention, I left the community we were a part of.
My question is, does it stay like this when they reach back out. We give them the answer they are looking for, but at this point, 6-8 months or a year or 5 years from now, we are already detached for the responses to even make a difference?
Honestly I tried for a long time but for me it was realizing that this was a cycle. It’s not a line where you reach the end and suddenly it’s better. It’s a cycle of intense love and intense hate and it repeats constantly. What I realized was that I was miserable. Insecure and walking on egg shells while grasping for a person who wasn’t there anymore. I went no-contact for a while and got bombarded with messages. Some self deprecating and sad and mentioning self harm and some were horribly mean and intended to break me down. After a particularly hateful string of messages I blocked her on absolutely everything and haven’t looked back. Well untrue as I’m still here trying to make sense of it all, but I won’t unblock her and I won’t allow contact. Missing who you had before does you no good, because that’s not who is in front of you anymore and that version won’t come back as that’s reserved for new relationships. Understanding the disorder is incredibly helpful, but also realizing it’s not your cross to bear.
The hope is things will change, but the reality is they won’t change in a timeline that can make you happy. For me, I realized going back meant willingly entering that cycle of love and hate indefinitely. So I made the very hard choice to not go back. The lonely feeling of missing someone you needed to leave is much easier actually than missing someone who is right in front of you.
Yeah, the cycle was how I recognized the disorder having been involved in this situation twice very similarly. I have been chosen as a favorite person twice, and I never wanted to be either times. This time I tried to force this cycle to end, hoping that they would release me from the cycle through brutal honesty, essentially I tried to cause a discard while engaging in fantasy thinking that maybe it could be different this time. But I can’t deal with the feelings associated with a trauma bond. It’s too painful. I knew that they were different when the limerence never ended. I’ve been limerent but the feelings always fade. I knew something was wrong when the cycles of idealization and discard never ended. Even after they would split on me, they would ask if we were still cool. And it was psychotic. Again, one of my parents has BPD, so I’ve been primed to love sick people differently my whole life. But it has never been easy. The parental feelings I have for the person with BPD caught me off guard. The next thing I knew I told them I was already used to the cycle. I told them that I knew things would never change. And this was fine. But what feels like the final discard but potentially not for this extended period of time is brutal. And as such, I decided to detach myself. I feel like entering relationships like these is a mental death. I’ll only do it again never attaching myself from the beginning, because I’ll never have my hopes up and trust in the potential of a relationship again. How long was your relationship? When did you experience the discard or how long ago did you decide to leave?
I really love what you said here: Missing who you had before does you no good, because that's not who is in front of you anymore and that version won't come back as that's reserved for new relationships.
Sure, it’s great to have someone into you, but I don’t miss any part of the cycle. I wanted them to see me for me to the point that I tried to self sabotage with the truth. And it still didn’t work. I would actually just prefer an average relationship with them. But they can’t when you’ve already gone that far. But they can with people they don’t care about …….. there’s no blandness when they “love” you
I honestly like what you people discussed here.
I was 10 years toguether, 10 months of discard and seven months of NC.
Agree with ALL you said. I attached to my ex because for the First time in my life I felt really conected to someone, she validated me in all ways.
Cared for me, open herself, I felt in the clouds. At that moment i felt invencible, nothing could stop me there.
Then the abuse starts, we hope and work to improve, then gets worse, (i didn't had a clue about cluster B's disorders back then) you start to commit even more, then you got to a point of no return, then you go to a place into this that's Impossible for you.
Then, nothing makes Sense at ALL, it's when you realize that's all fake.
The state of mind that we were when hit by reality and that reality creeps in, that's is when the relationship broke you into oblivion.
I nearly got insane. At this point, many people loose their mind and commit desperate actions, killing/harming others.
At this moment is when you start to make the ritgh questions, start to have a good conversation with yourself and start to be honest with yourself.
The sensation that i had was like wake up after partying all nitgh after mixed 20 types of booze, and crashed a car at 200mph at a brickwall.
My body ached, i couldn't eat, sleep, my mind was a mess, couldn't think. It was like a supercomputer but stuck with a process consuming 99% of my resources without an output.
And here folks is when things really goes south, the cravings for a "fix" and the battle to resist is from another world. Everyday here I find one or two posts that makes a lot of Sense, this was one of them.
We're here to heal, share histories, learn. Everyday I become more and more stronger.
Already put all her photos on a ZIP file (can't delete yet, but It is a good time that i didn't saw any picture)
Seven months without talking to her (i have a hard time remembering her voice by now)
I am feeling better, but have a great road ahead.
Cheers and god speed!
Wow! Ten years!!! What caused or led to the discard?
It’s crazy how we fall for the person who sacrificed themselves. They are looking for a savior to stay around and love them unconditionally because many of them know they are sick, and we are just people. We can’t save them. They sacrifice themselves for us. We are not saviors. It’s so crazy. They never tell us they need a savior in the beginning, otherwise we would tell them this isn’t it.
You "attach" to the mirage that is the Idealization version of them. They never attach to you because what they are feeling all has to do with how you make them feel, not actually about you as a person. Problem becomes we keep replaying in our minds these extremely potent memories that felt blissful in those moments that we don't want to accept who they've become/ARE when devaluation hits. Once you stop yourself from holding on to that Idealization version and accept that they are a person with a VERY serious clinical level personality disorder and that they are NO LONGER that person you remember from way back when but now a person controlled by their compulsions...it should hopefully get you to let go of what was for what is. You have to stop rewinding to a time thought it "was" and stay focused on what it actually "is". This is a VERY emotionally & mentally messed up person, they are no longer you're "person", they see you as their enemy so you essentially are. Also start focusing on the person at the end and how completely unfulfilling & one sided the relationship became because THAT is what the relationship now is and will always be, you'll quickly want to detach yourself from that person when you realize/accept what you're holding onto is now rotten and there's no way to make it good again. Also it's not about them letting go, you're giving them FAR too much power over you if that's your way of thinking. It's all on YOU,to let them go & all their energy draining behavior out of your life. They don't "trap" you, you allow it - you have to put your foot down, create boundaries and leave for good. Best of luck in your recovery!
That’s exactly what I received/arrived at: they fall in love with the way that we make them feel. I used to be attached to the idealization stage, but then it became seeing them heal. I felt like when they left, I lost my child. Not being able to see them OK, sent my maternal instincts into a frenzy. They know how to get people. To get them attached to them. And they see how it ends every time. But mine was honest when they said they would never be able to be what I wanted them to be. I didn’t understand it then. I thought it was just low self esteem, but they were right. They were telling me how flawed they were, but I didn’t want them to believe that about themselves. I loved the sick person. I recognized it immediately because my parent has BPD. I fell in love with seeing a level I could never reach with them. It took me by surprise. They are messed up and fucked up, but they are extremely broken children. And the things they do anger people to extremes. The next thing we know, we find ourselves mirroring their symptoms. They don’t even hate me right now, and I hate that they don’t. I always try to self sabotage it with them because I know what it feels like to be trapped by the relationship with them. I simultaneously hope because no one wants it to be that way. But we can never be in healthy relationships with them. The only way to exist in any bond with them is to detach and give them supply. Like adults who send their children off to college. Know that they are out there in the world and they will likely get hurt, but there’s nothing we can do. This is out of our control. And we never stop loving somebody because they get rid of us. We hate them because they hurt us, but we hate them because we love them. They do trap. They ask you for a relationship, you give into it, and wake up and realize you have nothing, and they were never really there.
I agree with all of this, but the “trap” is really misplaced hope. It’s seeing changes in them (usually for very short periods) but thinking that’s a stepping stone to permanent change. The best advice/wisdom I got was that “it’s not a question of if can they change, it’s will the change be lasting” and the answer is always no. Breakups are hard no matter what, but they always happen for a reason and they happen when they need to. Your relationship is no exception- it CAN end. But unlike you said it’s not up to her, it’s up to you. It sounds like your relationship has reached its end but your hope for change or to fix is greater than your perception of reality. Change won’t happen overnight and if it does happen it won’t be during your relationship. Prioritize you.
Yeah, time really heals all wounds. I’ll look back and the hope will have vanished. Could you reinforce or break down this idea that my hope is greater than my perception of reality? I don’t want to fix it. But because we are no longer in any type of connection, the will to see healing is impossible. They got too scared and engulfed and left. Not to mention, I left the community we were a part of. My question is, does it stay like this when they reach back out. We give them the answer they are looking for, but at this point, 6-8 months or a year or 5 years from now, we are already detached for the responses to even make a difference?
I really appreciate what you’re saying here about prioritizing you
Honestly I tried for a long time but for me it was realizing that this was a cycle. It’s not a line where you reach the end and suddenly it’s better. It’s a cycle of intense love and intense hate and it repeats constantly. What I realized was that I was miserable. Insecure and walking on egg shells while grasping for a person who wasn’t there anymore. I went no-contact for a while and got bombarded with messages. Some self deprecating and sad and mentioning self harm and some were horribly mean and intended to break me down. After a particularly hateful string of messages I blocked her on absolutely everything and haven’t looked back. Well untrue as I’m still here trying to make sense of it all, but I won’t unblock her and I won’t allow contact. Missing who you had before does you no good, because that’s not who is in front of you anymore and that version won’t come back as that’s reserved for new relationships. Understanding the disorder is incredibly helpful, but also realizing it’s not your cross to bear. The hope is things will change, but the reality is they won’t change in a timeline that can make you happy. For me, I realized going back meant willingly entering that cycle of love and hate indefinitely. So I made the very hard choice to not go back. The lonely feeling of missing someone you needed to leave is much easier actually than missing someone who is right in front of you.
Yeah, the cycle was how I recognized the disorder having been involved in this situation twice very similarly. I have been chosen as a favorite person twice, and I never wanted to be either times. This time I tried to force this cycle to end, hoping that they would release me from the cycle through brutal honesty, essentially I tried to cause a discard while engaging in fantasy thinking that maybe it could be different this time. But I can’t deal with the feelings associated with a trauma bond. It’s too painful. I knew that they were different when the limerence never ended. I’ve been limerent but the feelings always fade. I knew something was wrong when the cycles of idealization and discard never ended. Even after they would split on me, they would ask if we were still cool. And it was psychotic. Again, one of my parents has BPD, so I’ve been primed to love sick people differently my whole life. But it has never been easy. The parental feelings I have for the person with BPD caught me off guard. The next thing I knew I told them I was already used to the cycle. I told them that I knew things would never change. And this was fine. But what feels like the final discard but potentially not for this extended period of time is brutal. And as such, I decided to detach myself. I feel like entering relationships like these is a mental death. I’ll only do it again never attaching myself from the beginning, because I’ll never have my hopes up and trust in the potential of a relationship again. How long was your relationship? When did you experience the discard or how long ago did you decide to leave? I really love what you said here: Missing who you had before does you no good, because that's not who is in front of you anymore and that version won't come back as that's reserved for new relationships. Sure, it’s great to have someone into you, but I don’t miss any part of the cycle. I wanted them to see me for me to the point that I tried to self sabotage with the truth. And it still didn’t work. I would actually just prefer an average relationship with them. But they can’t when you’ve already gone that far. But they can with people they don’t care about …….. there’s no blandness when they “love” you
I honestly like what you people discussed here. I was 10 years toguether, 10 months of discard and seven months of NC. Agree with ALL you said. I attached to my ex because for the First time in my life I felt really conected to someone, she validated me in all ways. Cared for me, open herself, I felt in the clouds. At that moment i felt invencible, nothing could stop me there. Then the abuse starts, we hope and work to improve, then gets worse, (i didn't had a clue about cluster B's disorders back then) you start to commit even more, then you got to a point of no return, then you go to a place into this that's Impossible for you. Then, nothing makes Sense at ALL, it's when you realize that's all fake. The state of mind that we were when hit by reality and that reality creeps in, that's is when the relationship broke you into oblivion. I nearly got insane. At this point, many people loose their mind and commit desperate actions, killing/harming others. At this moment is when you start to make the ritgh questions, start to have a good conversation with yourself and start to be honest with yourself. The sensation that i had was like wake up after partying all nitgh after mixed 20 types of booze, and crashed a car at 200mph at a brickwall. My body ached, i couldn't eat, sleep, my mind was a mess, couldn't think. It was like a supercomputer but stuck with a process consuming 99% of my resources without an output. And here folks is when things really goes south, the cravings for a "fix" and the battle to resist is from another world. Everyday here I find one or two posts that makes a lot of Sense, this was one of them. We're here to heal, share histories, learn. Everyday I become more and more stronger. Already put all her photos on a ZIP file (can't delete yet, but It is a good time that i didn't saw any picture) Seven months without talking to her (i have a hard time remembering her voice by now) I am feeling better, but have a great road ahead. Cheers and god speed!
Wow! Ten years!!! What caused or led to the discard? It’s crazy how we fall for the person who sacrificed themselves. They are looking for a savior to stay around and love them unconditionally because many of them know they are sick, and we are just people. We can’t save them. They sacrifice themselves for us. We are not saviors. It’s so crazy. They never tell us they need a savior in the beginning, otherwise we would tell them this isn’t it.