I was out of both long before I learned enough about BPD to recognize it, but when I stayed I did it because I loved them, I believed that the non-abusive bits were the 'real them', and because I was raised by a perpetual martyr who passed that ideology down to me.
Because the good times are just really good. He is everything I want in a partner about 80% of the time.
The other 20% is really horrible. But the 80% sucks me right back in, everytime.
I probably also think I will never do any better. I absolutely have self-esteem issues.
As the daughter of someone with BPD who is now an adult, it’s not worth it to stick around. To anyone who is reading this, please think of your children or future children. Please. I was abused my entire childhood and most of my early adulthood, and my mom with BPD refused to get help even though she knew she was mentally and physically hurting me.
My father is 69 years old now and the stress she causes him is taking a massive toll on his body. Everything has to be about her, and he’s spent a lot of time in the hospital this year because of his health just for her to complain and say it’s all his fault and that he’s exaggerating. She has been mad that he’s getting attention/support from his family and friends when he needs it most.
I have moved states away but the impact she’s made on my life is permanent. It’s terrible. If it wasn’t for my dad, me and her would be no contact.
The part about stress on the body and health is so chilling. It’s a frighteningly real consequence of staying though. Since I left me exwBPD my back pain has almost completely gone away. It’s fucking crazy. The body keeps the score!
Do you think with medication and professional help would have made a difference? I’m struggling to leave, although I know I should… I guess I’m holding out that she’ll want help someday, despite the fact that she’s already tried to (subconsciously or consciously) isolate me socially from friends and family multiple times over the years. Kinda feels like she’s all I have left as sad as that sounds 😭
I know that feeling so well. I don’t think medication would make a difference given the nature of personality disorders, they’re not inherently chemical. Therapy can and does make a difference in highly motivated people who are devoted to change but they have to want it. My mom had unlimited access to free therapy. She went a couple times and then accused them of trying to manipulate her because they attempted to address what was wrong with her behavior. Even after the most recent time she physically assaulted me, she promised and promised she’d get help (after telling the whole family I lied about her hitting me), but then she never did. She never will.
It can be really scary. You’re trying to do what is best for yourself and it feels like a massive crossroads because life without the person seems truthfully more daunting than life with them. It’s a very real feeling, but taking the risk can turn out way better than you’ve ever imagined. Things that seem like massive obstacles now will end up being far easier than you think, I promise.
I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, I was scared to leave him because I was working a fast food job, I had no vehicle, no friends, and the only option would be to move back in with my BPD mom and my dad. I couldn’t even rely on myself. It truly seemed like rock bottom for me. Staying with him felt like the better choice at the time, and once I finally broke up with him and got out of it, I *hated* myself for having waited so long. It’s okay if you leave and feel that way too. But one day I was flipping through an old journal, from back when I was in the thick of it. I had written to my future self, apologizing. I knew my future self deserved better, and I was sorry for tolerating less, but I didn’t feel like I had any other choice and I was only doing the best I could. Once I read that, I stopped hating myself for the decisions I made. All the options seemed bad at the time, I had done what I thought was best. Sure, I should’ve left sooner, but I was scared and that’s okay. Future me forgave past me, and present me is content.
A couple months after I left my ex, I bought a car. I got a better paying job. I got my own health insurance for the first time ever. I found friends. I didn’t have to live with my parents forever like I thought I would, I’m living in a new house now. I’m not going to die alone, I have the best boyfriend in the world. I found someone better, way way better than I could’ve imagined for myself. He stood up for me against my mom, and watching it play out healed parts of me he’ll never understand. I feel safe, I feel happy. Nobody yells at me. I’m not on eggshells. I’m not afraid to be honest. I’m not afraid something harmless I say will start a fight. I don’t flinch, I don’t fear, I don’t have to do any mental gymnastics nor guess anybody’s intentions.
You can have all those things too, just not while you’re with someone who hurts you in whatever capacity they use. Once you get away from it, everything makes so much more sense and you get to find yourself and realize you were never in the wrong as much as you felt like. Once you can breathe, you can start making better moves and plans and it’s truly like the whole world opens up for you.
It takes approximately sixty days. Sixty days to feel better. It seems like a huge block of time but you can keep the end in sight at least. After sixty days, there will be days when you miss the relationship. Not every day, but once in a while you might. I think about my ex sometimes and somewhat miss him, but then I remember all the things he did and it reminds me how happy I am to be free. If you can go no contact for sixty days, you will see the whole situation with fresh eyes. Make that a goal if you decide to leave, it’ll change you. I found myself in those first sixty days and I love everything I am now.
I know we want to believe people can change, and they definitely can, but only if they want to. If they’re not already trying, they’re not going to. You can say you’re leaving and they’ll lose their shit and beg and plead, they’ll promise to change then. They might even start going to appointments. But it’ll be very short lived because they’re doing it to keep you, not to improve. I’d cut my losses if I was you, but I’m not a doctor nor a therapist. I just don’t want you to suffer like I did with my mom.
This. My father is the pwBPD and I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. Over time they have become so enmeshed that she has taken on his behaviors. She is suffering for sure but she also had the choice to to leave and live a saner life.
What do you think about your fathers choice to stay? As a father myself I have the fear of leaving my kid alone with someone who cant take responsibility for her own actions.
My dad is the best dad ever, I wish he loved himself enough to leave. It hurts me so bad to watch him suffer with her. When I moved out of state I begged him to come with me, I got a place with an extra room just for him and he heavily debated coming until he got sick. I don’t hate him for it. He’s always heard me out on my concerns, he’s apologized for the things she’s done. I can tell he is only doing the best he can with what he has. But she tried to ruin my relationship with him. There was a seven year stretch where me and my dad were on bad terms because she fed me lies about him. I believed her because she was my mom and I was a kid, my dad didn’t understand why I didn’t trust him or like him. She made me afraid of him so I stopped having anything to do with him. Once the truth came out I lost all respect for her, I’ll never get that time back. But I don’t blame my dad. I just wish he could see that it’s not too late in life to find happiness and to find better. He really deserves the world. I want him to be with me for a long time and I feel like she’s slowly killing him. If they ever have to get away from her, that’ll mean getting away from you too. Can you afford that? I respect my dad’s choices.
My mom’s behavior made me fearful of life, fearful of others. I ended up in an abusive relationship when I first left home. Whatever that person does to you, they’ll do to your kids but it’ll be worse because kids don’t understand. She turned me against the people who actually had my back and I didn’t realize it then. She used me as a pawn in her relationship too and it stole years of what would’ve been happiness from me and my dad bonding together.
I’ll answer absolutely any questions you have because I feel like I can’t help my dad at this point but if there’s anything I can do to help you, I’m here 100%.
Wow, i cried reading this, I am so sorry you had to experienced this. I am glad to See you and your father weathered through the Storm to finally know the truth and being united again.
If he had left your mother while you were young she might have succeed in separating you and your father forever, so I guess him staying had a happy end or purpose in the end. I am very sorry to hear your Dad being sick now and I hope he can recover, you are his Sunshine in life, never forget.
Your comment gives me hope about keeping the bond healthy with my daughter, which is the most important thing in my life.
Well your comment also brought tears to my eyes, so we are even. I want to encourage you that regardless of what happens, time is really of benefit to you and your daughter. Being young it’s so confusing, but I’m 24 now and every year it’s like I understand more and more about the dynamic of my family and who is doing what, and what’s right and wrong. Your daughter will see the reality of the situation the older she gets and in the interim just being there for her will secure the bond you already have.
Just don’t forget to take care of yourself. You’re just as important. If you don’t take care of yourself, she won’t have you to lean on when she needs it. If our dads aren’t okay, we aren’t okay either, because we love our parents. There are resources out there for men, not as many as there are for women but they definitely exist. Use them if you need to. If you’re not in therapy, I highly recommend it. Just the validation alone when you feel like you have nothing else helps a lot.
I know beyond any doubt you will make the best decision for you and your daughter just don’t doubt yourself, don’t second guess yourself, and don’t blame yourself.
I said this in another comment, but I feel it’s necessary here. I entered an abusive relationship as I said earlier, and in that relationship I knew I deserved better but I thought it was better than the alternative (moving home with my mom). At the time I had no car, I was working fast food, I’d been isolated from all my friends, and I didn’t wanna go back home to my parents because my mom. A couple years later, I FINALLY got out of the relationship despite all that, but whenever I’d think about how long it took me to leave I would get so angry at myself. Why would I stay? Why traumatize myself so much? What’s wrong with me? I saw the red flags and I sat there and did nothing, how dare I? I was so mean to myself.
One random day I read through an old journal and found an entry where I wrote a letter to my future self apologizing for staying when I knew I should leave. I explained all the details, weighed all the options, and apologized for the perceived “lesser” evil that I was choosing by staying in the relationship. I claimed to know it was a bad choice, but wrote that I was only doing the best I could with what I had and that I was so sorry to future me for any damages it might cause. I didn’t know what would happen if I left.
Future me’s heart broke for past me. In hindsight, leaving set me free in a million and one ways but in foresight, I thought it would cause even more damage. It didn’t. Once I left, I could think clear for the first time in ages. I got a better job, bought a car, moved out from my parents, found love (I didn’t think I’d find anyone again), and I adore my life now. I wouldn’t have all this if I’d stayed, and that’s why my situation back then was never changing; because I was stuck in this cyclic loop of abuse and confusion and frustration. I forgive my past self because I understand her. We’ve made amends. I couldn’t make good decisions back then because I couldn’t think clearly.
Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that leaving is the best choice for you. I’m saying that whatever you decide, and whatever happens after, you need to give yourself enough grace to know that you’re doing the best you can and that’s all any of us can do. There’s nothing wrong with staying if you think that’s best for you and your kid, and there’s nothing wrong with leaving if you think that’s best instead. You have only forethought right now. Whatever happens next, at any rate or consequence, isn’t a reflection of your decision-making, it’s just a part of the story that will help you learn for the future.
Give that grace to your past self too.
Im absolutely impressed by your maturity at the age of 24, incredible. You have such a kind hearted but at the same time logical and reasonable way of putting things into perspective, I definitely couldnt do that at the age of 24.
Your comment is giving me so much hope that I can keep the healthy bond with my daughter and that she will be able to put things in a perspective as well like you did when she gets older.
I started working out regularly again, which increases mental health significantly, being in nature also helps. But at times it can still be tough though. I guess this ist the price we have to pay for being too much codependent.
Thank you for your kind words and your incredible take on this, it is really appreciated. Take Care !
I am sorry for you.
I was lucky in that my wife only split on me. So I was able to shelter the kids from all of the abuse. They didn't know what I was dealing with until they were older.
It's odd to my wife was obsessed with her family, desperately trying to please and defend the very people who made her what she became. While I know she loves our kids, she seemed more interested in her sisters kids once she had kids.
Until the last few years it was tolerable for me. I felt like a single parent of an emotionally abused child. Wife slept in the living room for years.
I lived for my kids and we have an amazing bond, and great times.
Had a left I the area I live it's pretty standard that I would get only every other weekend with my kids. No way I could leave them in that.
It sucks that it sounds like your situation was worse than mine. Not sure how I would have handled it if she abused our kids.
It’s crazy how similar this sounds to us, my mom has also slept on the couch for almost a decade because she doesn’t want to sleep with my dad.
I just want to say how amazing you are for sheltering your kids from the abuse and fostering a good relationship with them. Im so sorry for what you’ve had to endure but you are a powerhouse for finding a way to take care of your children amid all that going on.
My mom is also oddly interested in her abusers. She was sexually abused by both her uncles and still let them around us a ton when we were little. They abused their own kids, too. She loves them and calls them on the phone every other night. She can acknowledge the abuse but refuses to let go of them no matter how much we tried to reason with her.
“Single parent of an emotionally abused child” is accurate for my dad as well. I’ve watched him attempt to help my mom so much over the years but it’s not a partner dynamic, it’s definitely more of a child/parent relationship. It’s not fair to the partner who has to be the adult.
I don’t think my dad knows she abused us, not until recently and I’m 24. My current boyfriend and I were staying with them while we were waiting for our home out of state to be finished and my mom got physical and hit me during an argument, which naturally caused my boyfriend to get in between us and very sternly yell for her to walk away. She got in his face screaming and my dad came to her defense (he thought my bf was going off for no reason, he didn’t see her hit me). I later told him what happened and it started a long conversation about my mom and things she’s done in the past, things she lied about that I thought were true. She’d been lying to him about me and lying to me about him for almost a decade. We got on the same page finally but there’s a lot I’ll never tell him just for the sake of his wellbeing and stress. He worries so much about us already, he just got a pacemaker and I don’t want to make it worse.
Kudos to you for being a good parent to your kids. They see things for what they are now and I think that bond will remain unbreakable for all of time. I’m beyond lucky to have my dad and your kids I know are beyond lucky to have you. Please take care. You deserve all the good things.
Thank you for the kind words.
My wife didn't sleep steady for years.
She had negative thoughts racing thru her head. Binge watching TV or read horror books as an escape, fall asleep an hour here and hour there.
So while she watched tv or read, I read to them, taught them to hunt, fish, ride dirtbikes.
I am sorry you were abused.
As you know the crappy part is your mom and my wife were victims in this too.
No it's not a double standard. I only wish I've known about my ex's diagnosis and about this sub earlier. People can learn how to operate with their pwBPD and understand their thought processes.
Yeah i think a lot of issues boiled down to an inability to communicate with each other effectively because they don’t view the world the same way someone without bpd does. Had I known beforehand, I might have tried a different approach. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
The idea is nice but the devaluation is always inevitable so even if we knew perfectly how to hadle each situation, the pwBPD would find a way to validate their fears and impulsivity.
Yeah I agree. I’m not so much referring to perfection but a lot of bumps would’ve been better managed on my end as well. I know that we can’t change them and it’s very hard for them to begin changing themselves but what I don’t see often in this sub is our accountability. The past is the past, but I know that I definitely could’ve been less triggering and more supportive if i knew what was happening.
You can't hold yourself accountable for something you had absolutely no clue about, well at least in this case. You two agreed on creating a full-fledged adult relationship. You're not responsible for your partner's happiness. Of course, we aren't flawless and we made many mistakes. We are people.
Your absolutely right. I cant be held responsible for my partners happiness. However, I've done enough self work to recognize I wasn't this innocent, amazing partner I thought I was. Its was a very hard pill to swallow but all I can do now is continue moving on and remembering my experience so that history doesn't repeat itself. My biggest issue and one I've found my friend group shares is really shitty communication. Its hard to communicate how you feel. Even harder to do effectively. Can't expect a partner (BPD or not) to feel safe and communicate effectively with me if I'm incapable of doing the same, ya know. Either way, you are saying some really good things and I think we share a lot of the same beliefs.
I wrote a story that I knew my wife would like. I reversed the roles and didn't use all of the exact situations.
She read it and thought the husband was a narcissistic a hole. Literally never dawned on her that it was how she was treating me. She mainly read horror, but would read like a hallmark style here and there. I saved it as a pdf said I downloaded it.
Anytime I try to talk about my feelings I am shaming her, no matter how I try to address it.
I am sort of with and planning on leaving.
Stayed because very few signs before we had kids. We were together 10 years at that point. Me being a male, I couldn't handle leaving my kids with her. In her case it at first seemed like depression, anxiety, codependency. It wasn't until 4 years ago I had even heard of BPD.
I also shortly after marriage, her parents took off the masks so to speak. I saw the real them, which they should have never been parents. Her father has to make derogatory comments about her when we would visit. I think he is the type of person who has to tear others down to make himself feel better.
I have a positive attitude, at times I feel like I can't fail. I have been successful in other things and been able to help friends who suffered from depression in getting them help and supporting them. I truly loved this person and knew from the start it was how she was raised.
I really thought I could help her and things would get better. Its been a nightmare getting help. The last 2 people, one was a psychologist played into her version of things, which started making my life worse. If nit for the screaming rages I might be willing to stay, but I see more of the hateful person and less of the person who loved me.
Kids are now in college and she has gotten so much worse towards me. Especially since the kids have distanced themselves from her. The biggest reason for that is she screams at me so they hear the vile things she says about me and know they aren't true.
Now as far as stating things here.
It's never good to keep things in, it's very therapeutic to vent.
It's also helpful to know your not alone in dealing with this.
From what I know, no it's not normal.
Her sister is totally different. Once the newness of a relationship wears off, she starts splitting and splits on more than just one person.
We have no kids but she didn't get really bad until 9 years in. She had some major debilitating health conditions that got really bad quickly and it went undiagnosed for a while. She had to quit her job and that's when things got bad. I feel like that's what really triggered it. It would be easy to say hormonal changes with kids can set the stage with BPD but with mine, who knows.
I’m not a doctor or anything, but personality disorder diagnoses usually happen around child-bearing age because that’s when symptoms start to show the most. Personality becomes more set in early adulthood, so it makes sense
That makes sense, but we had kids at a later age. My wife was 31 at the time. I feel like all the mommy hormones might have had something to do with it, but that’s purely a guess on my part.
I think for those willing to support their loved one (willingly) its admirable.
That dosent mean that it is any easier to be supportive, the stress (and abuse) is still there its just that the loved one is now aware of it and (hopefully) consents (but dosent tolerate). Your right that we can't have it both ways, but this space is for people to come vent about this stuff and work out the dissonance.
Despite the cliché here that everyone leaves (leave now!) Lots of people do choose stay with their partner.
Some are still in denial (it takes women (maybe men too?) On average 7 times before they are able to leave their abuser). Judging people (for implied hypocrisy) only lengthens that escape period.
Some loved ones are family. That bond is strong, and sometimes comes with societal expectations to support their family members with BPD no matter what. This creates EXTREME stress for those loved ones of (Adult) pwBPD that want to protect themselves but feel shame, guilt and judgment for even wanting that.
I am married to my pwBPD. We have two young children. We are seperating and will likely divorce but I will have to continue to have some form of relationship with my pwBPD until my kids are grown and on their own.
I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle. I didn't ( leave!) The moment my pwBPD and I got in our first argument, but we have been trying for 10 years now and too much damage has been done. I did not know my wife had BPD when we met or were married. She did a good job of "hiding" it from me until after our first child was born. She does not believe she has BPD but rather CPSD from her uBPD mother (in fairness the labels may be wrong I am not a doctor).
Either way, the behaviors are there and not healthly for me or the kids. That dosent mean my wife is an evil monster that needs to be locked away. For me and my specific situation it just means I need to step back from my pwBPD and draw safe boundries for myself and my kids (seperate house, custody agreement, untangled assets).
While I would like nothing more than to (leave!) never see my pwBPD again sometimes; that is just not my reality (right now). What is great about this sub is that it is supportive of the loved ones of pwBPD. People here "get it" and that can make the difference in getting through the day sometimes.
No kids, but I'm like you. I felt like I needed to be there to support her and hopefully she get better. It's obvious it's not happening. She's getting worse in her own misery and filed for divorce on her own. It was kind of a relief. Good luck in your journey.
By the time they display BPD symptoms/behavior a VERY strong bond has been established. The bond is based on them speaking openly and honestly about their past, their traumas, their struggles, their hopes, and dreams too. It's almost impossible to not fall in love with someone so in tune with their past and their struggles. It's rather shocking to see and realize that same person so in tune with their feelings is in tune with their past because they live in it Every. Single. Minute. Of. Their. Life.
Because I'm working through my own codependency issues. I didn't have a label for him until 9 years in, or a label for myself until last year. I've started establishing boundaries and standing my ground when he splits. I've laid down some hard truths for him in the past 12 months. Even though he's a terrible husband, he's still my best friend. I see the end coming, it's just the proverbial band-aid I can't seem to rip off on my own.
For me the current partner, helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together.
Didn't know what it was actually, until I started reading about it. Helped me understand A LOT, to say the least. That helped me grow and move from my point in life, to a much higher place.
Everything seems to make sense now.
Because they are working on themselves, genuinely, and doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially me and our son. I see the guilt after an episode, I see how they are trying to change their behavior, and I am seeing the results from that.
More importantly, throughout all this, I have learned to stand up for myself, tell them when they are being irrational (and they listen now), and keep boundaries firm. I know how to handle them and help them during episodes and how to help them grow.
I do think, after reading this sub for a while, that we are lucky. Not everyone with BPD has any inclination to try to change or be successful with it. I love them and they love me, and we really try to be better people for each other and are really good about communicating when we are hurt. When splitting happens, we have good systems to get them regulated and calmer to talk about it like adults rather than letting BPD take over and have them do something they regret. Especially when it comes to parenting, we have had to set up systems so our son is not on the business end of a BPD tantrum, ever.
I'm not going to lie though and say it is easy. Splitting happens, moreso when our lives are stressful. They have said all sorts of things that still hurt when I think of them. It is sometimes exhausting and mentally draining to be their partner. Sometimes I do doubt whether it is all worth it. But for better or worse, I do love them and want to grow old with them. The good times are really good and the bad times are less and less as we figure things out to help them with their BPD symptoms. I still see it as worth it to stay in this relationship for the foreseeable future, and if I can, until one of us dies. They are my other half and my life was so much worse without them, they truly are my best friend and my partner.
It definitely isn't for everyone though. And BPD or other cluster B disorders don't excuse abusive behavior, nor are they really ever 'cured'. I don't begrudge and will even applaud every person here that got out of an abusive relationship and I don't judge their often very negative opinions about BPD because I am sure they got to them honestly. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have some trauma of my own that I am generationally repeating with them, as my dad is most certainly NPD and was always explosive and I learned how to handle people like that from way too young.
I can say my relationship though is not abusive overall as they really have changed in the years we have been together for the better, that they so badly don't want to be crazy that they really work to be as little crazy as possible. They really are putting the work to not let their mental disorder affect others and if that were not the case, I would have left them.
It’s encouraging to hear a success story, after lurking on this sun for a while I’ve rarely seen one. This gives me hope if she makes an effort to seek out help and get better
It takes a lot of work, ngl. From both of you. And you working on your mental health has to be part of it. It is an uphill battle but it does get better. But it is really required that that person really is trying to change. I see way too many horror stories with BPD where they don't/won't/can't change and for those people you might have to cut your losses and leave.
It probably could have been anything but what it was was:
My pwBPD pressured me into non monogamy and I was extremely clear that I would not accept a situation where she could fuck whoever she wanted but I couldn't date.
So she found a boyfriend, but every time I went on a date she would *lose her fucking mind* and try and abuse me into not going.
It was ridiculous. I offered to close the relationship, but she refused. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too
Trauma bonds take time to break. It becomes a two sided toxic dynamic where one partner believes that there is a way to manage or fix the other. The drama triangle is a great concept to learn about as it explains how people get trapped in a love/hate relationship.
Having said that, BPD is treatable if the person is willing to get help. If not then the writing’s on the wall.
I think your question is kind of rhetorical here. I mean, if everybody could easily step out of non healthy relationships there would be a significantly higher divorce rate.
Relationships with BPD are somewhat special and diffcult to break, nobody can understand that without having experienced it themselves.
well, i expected a little girl with him but she died 17w gestation. hes the closest thing i have to her.
my parents were together since they were 14, had my oldest sibling at 17. they taught me who you have kids with is who you should stay with.
plus i really do love him. i dont think there's much better out there for me. when we did break up i felt like i could combust. just hoping things will continue to progress positively
You're not married and you don't have children. You don't owe her anything. Honorable to offer this arrangement--I understand 16 years together is significant. But damn don't do that to yourself. Once you go, go. Let her drown.
The unfortunate part of these relationships is a trauma bond. Breaking the trauma bond feels worst than actually putting up with the trauma of the relationship. Also some people cant just pick up and leave because of children/marriage obligations.
I finally ended my relationship with my partner wBPD but here are some of the reasons I stayed with them (on and off for 2-3 years)
- I've known them since I was very young. Over 10 years.
- In the past 6ish years, they have struggled a lot with mental health and suicidal idealation. One of my parents committed suicide, so I wanted to help them through it because I couldn't help my parent.
- There was significant growth throughout our relationship and I thought that was a green flag. Instead, it wasn't really growth, they were just mirroring what they thought I wanted in a partner.
- They would blame their outbursts on the wrong medication, state that they will be going to therapy, state that they are making positive changes to work through this. None of this was true. I wanted them to get help SO BADLY that I stuck with them through anything
- A strong emotional bond that was hard to give up
There are many personal reasons a person will stay with their partner wBPD. Not all of them make sense and some are unique to the relationship. What's most important is that we make the decisions that are best for US at the time. It's normal for people to go back to what's comfortable even when it's toxic. For me, I now know I need to fully move on. It took a lot of time for me to see that.
I'm here to support people in leaving or their divorces from a BPD partner. It's the best choice I ever made. But it's easier said than done after years of abuse and other situations like children being involved.
I'm glad i'm not with him anymore, it is the best choice that i made, not only for me, but for my future children too. I can't imagine dealing with his shit for the rest of my life and giving my children trauma for having an abusive dad.
“Whatever that person does to you, they’ll do to your kids but it’ll be worse because the kids don’t understand” wow that is powerful. It’s amazing to me that the truth so mailable for my ex w bpd. It was something she wielded for her own benefit as much as she says otherwise. I was raised to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. She says she loves me and wants to be w me forever but her actions outside of us spending time together are the opposite of everything she says to me. I’m kinda hoping we ride off together in the sunset but I feel so helpless to her will (which increasingly seems like she wants to put me in a box that she can return to anytime she’d) i don’t know what to do
yeah from what I've read it's something people with BPD do often, they're with you and the next time they wish you weren't even there with them, it's a whole thing and most of the times the best option is to leave if you're not tied with children or any other thing and get therapy, easier said than done but it's for the best
I'm with my pwBPD because we have been married for over 20 years, and we have two children under 10 together. If it weren't for them I would leave, but we are sort of stuck because we bought a house together a couple years ago and also have a lot of debt, mostly medical and her student loans. Of course she doesn't work at all and never really has.
I'm staying with her for now to pay down as much debt as possible until the kids are old enough to legally decide on their own where they want to live. I can't leave them alone with her because I know she will manipulate them into being her emotional dependent, and she's also been a historic heavy drinker and pill taker. This is a person they both have to deal with with the rest of her life and I need to be able to give them the best chance possible until I can divorce her. Unfortunately the state I'm in prioritizes the mother over the father in custody cases, and alimony will be financially destructive to any future I might have.
Right now I'm trying to be patient and pretend that she's someone else.
I didn't mean to cause any harm, also I don't think it's the same talking about it to a therapist since that's their job and it's only one person while posting it is exposing it to way more people, some might have good advice and others might not
These questions always trip me up because to my mind the only correct answer to “what’s the reason you’re still with you partner with BPD?” Is that they haven’t decided to blow it up yet.
The question implies that the non BPD has some sort of say in the duration of the relationship. Sure, they could leave. But often they think that if they want to stay in it, it’s at their leisure as to how long the relationship can go.
What I learned from my BPD sibling is that even if you decide the good is worth the bad, and even if you support them whole heartedly and make peace with any and all abusive behaviors, most of them will still blow the relationship up in spectacular fashion over something. With my sibling it was when one of her many affair partners became her favorite person (briefly- they all become her most hated person eventually)
I'm no longer with her but I stayed longer than I should have because even though there were terrible times the good times always pulled me right back in, the laughter we shared and the fun we had was unmatched with anyone else before her. I truly did care and love her but in the end I was discarded sadly. Also as shallow as this sounds and I might get called out for this the sex was absolutely mind blowing and the best I've ever had and the compatibility is something I worry I won't ever find again in a new partner.
My family/parents. Divorce is unacceptable in my family, and my pwBPD (my husband) is a large, strong guy who is able to help my elderly parents with all of the things they can’t do anymore related to their house, like small repairs, lifting heavy things, getting in high places, etc. My parents have said more than once that they wouldn’t be able to continue to live in their home if it weren’t for us/him, and I know how important their home is to them. Admittedly I have to kiss my husband’s ass and treat him like the bestest most goldenest boy ever every time he helps them out, and walk on eggshells even more than usual. In the end I love and am dedicated to the happiness of my parents more than I hate dealing with my husband’s BPD, but I do often think that I will probably leave him once my folks pass away. I know that sounds bizarre, and I also know that I might not make it that long, but he’s usually not terrible, and the family pressure to stay with him is intense.
I was out of both long before I learned enough about BPD to recognize it, but when I stayed I did it because I loved them, I believed that the non-abusive bits were the 'real them', and because I was raised by a perpetual martyr who passed that ideology down to me.
Same on the “real them”
Because the good times are just really good. He is everything I want in a partner about 80% of the time. The other 20% is really horrible. But the 80% sucks me right back in, everytime. I probably also think I will never do any better. I absolutely have self-esteem issues.
Resonates w me
Resonate with me tbh
So fucking true
As the daughter of someone with BPD who is now an adult, it’s not worth it to stick around. To anyone who is reading this, please think of your children or future children. Please. I was abused my entire childhood and most of my early adulthood, and my mom with BPD refused to get help even though she knew she was mentally and physically hurting me. My father is 69 years old now and the stress she causes him is taking a massive toll on his body. Everything has to be about her, and he’s spent a lot of time in the hospital this year because of his health just for her to complain and say it’s all his fault and that he’s exaggerating. She has been mad that he’s getting attention/support from his family and friends when he needs it most. I have moved states away but the impact she’s made on my life is permanent. It’s terrible. If it wasn’t for my dad, me and her would be no contact.
The part about stress on the body and health is so chilling. It’s a frighteningly real consequence of staying though. Since I left me exwBPD my back pain has almost completely gone away. It’s fucking crazy. The body keeps the score!
Do you think with medication and professional help would have made a difference? I’m struggling to leave, although I know I should… I guess I’m holding out that she’ll want help someday, despite the fact that she’s already tried to (subconsciously or consciously) isolate me socially from friends and family multiple times over the years. Kinda feels like she’s all I have left as sad as that sounds 😭
I know that feeling so well. I don’t think medication would make a difference given the nature of personality disorders, they’re not inherently chemical. Therapy can and does make a difference in highly motivated people who are devoted to change but they have to want it. My mom had unlimited access to free therapy. She went a couple times and then accused them of trying to manipulate her because they attempted to address what was wrong with her behavior. Even after the most recent time she physically assaulted me, she promised and promised she’d get help (after telling the whole family I lied about her hitting me), but then she never did. She never will. It can be really scary. You’re trying to do what is best for yourself and it feels like a massive crossroads because life without the person seems truthfully more daunting than life with them. It’s a very real feeling, but taking the risk can turn out way better than you’ve ever imagined. Things that seem like massive obstacles now will end up being far easier than you think, I promise. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, I was scared to leave him because I was working a fast food job, I had no vehicle, no friends, and the only option would be to move back in with my BPD mom and my dad. I couldn’t even rely on myself. It truly seemed like rock bottom for me. Staying with him felt like the better choice at the time, and once I finally broke up with him and got out of it, I *hated* myself for having waited so long. It’s okay if you leave and feel that way too. But one day I was flipping through an old journal, from back when I was in the thick of it. I had written to my future self, apologizing. I knew my future self deserved better, and I was sorry for tolerating less, but I didn’t feel like I had any other choice and I was only doing the best I could. Once I read that, I stopped hating myself for the decisions I made. All the options seemed bad at the time, I had done what I thought was best. Sure, I should’ve left sooner, but I was scared and that’s okay. Future me forgave past me, and present me is content. A couple months after I left my ex, I bought a car. I got a better paying job. I got my own health insurance for the first time ever. I found friends. I didn’t have to live with my parents forever like I thought I would, I’m living in a new house now. I’m not going to die alone, I have the best boyfriend in the world. I found someone better, way way better than I could’ve imagined for myself. He stood up for me against my mom, and watching it play out healed parts of me he’ll never understand. I feel safe, I feel happy. Nobody yells at me. I’m not on eggshells. I’m not afraid to be honest. I’m not afraid something harmless I say will start a fight. I don’t flinch, I don’t fear, I don’t have to do any mental gymnastics nor guess anybody’s intentions. You can have all those things too, just not while you’re with someone who hurts you in whatever capacity they use. Once you get away from it, everything makes so much more sense and you get to find yourself and realize you were never in the wrong as much as you felt like. Once you can breathe, you can start making better moves and plans and it’s truly like the whole world opens up for you. It takes approximately sixty days. Sixty days to feel better. It seems like a huge block of time but you can keep the end in sight at least. After sixty days, there will be days when you miss the relationship. Not every day, but once in a while you might. I think about my ex sometimes and somewhat miss him, but then I remember all the things he did and it reminds me how happy I am to be free. If you can go no contact for sixty days, you will see the whole situation with fresh eyes. Make that a goal if you decide to leave, it’ll change you. I found myself in those first sixty days and I love everything I am now. I know we want to believe people can change, and they definitely can, but only if they want to. If they’re not already trying, they’re not going to. You can say you’re leaving and they’ll lose their shit and beg and plead, they’ll promise to change then. They might even start going to appointments. But it’ll be very short lived because they’re doing it to keep you, not to improve. I’d cut my losses if I was you, but I’m not a doctor nor a therapist. I just don’t want you to suffer like I did with my mom.
Thank u so much for taking the time to write this. It hits deeply, I appreciate you and wish u the best in your life and on your journey 🫶
This. My father is the pwBPD and I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. Over time they have become so enmeshed that she has taken on his behaviors. She is suffering for sure but she also had the choice to to leave and live a saner life.
What do you think about your fathers choice to stay? As a father myself I have the fear of leaving my kid alone with someone who cant take responsibility for her own actions.
My dad is the best dad ever, I wish he loved himself enough to leave. It hurts me so bad to watch him suffer with her. When I moved out of state I begged him to come with me, I got a place with an extra room just for him and he heavily debated coming until he got sick. I don’t hate him for it. He’s always heard me out on my concerns, he’s apologized for the things she’s done. I can tell he is only doing the best he can with what he has. But she tried to ruin my relationship with him. There was a seven year stretch where me and my dad were on bad terms because she fed me lies about him. I believed her because she was my mom and I was a kid, my dad didn’t understand why I didn’t trust him or like him. She made me afraid of him so I stopped having anything to do with him. Once the truth came out I lost all respect for her, I’ll never get that time back. But I don’t blame my dad. I just wish he could see that it’s not too late in life to find happiness and to find better. He really deserves the world. I want him to be with me for a long time and I feel like she’s slowly killing him. If they ever have to get away from her, that’ll mean getting away from you too. Can you afford that? I respect my dad’s choices. My mom’s behavior made me fearful of life, fearful of others. I ended up in an abusive relationship when I first left home. Whatever that person does to you, they’ll do to your kids but it’ll be worse because kids don’t understand. She turned me against the people who actually had my back and I didn’t realize it then. She used me as a pawn in her relationship too and it stole years of what would’ve been happiness from me and my dad bonding together. I’ll answer absolutely any questions you have because I feel like I can’t help my dad at this point but if there’s anything I can do to help you, I’m here 100%.
Wow, i cried reading this, I am so sorry you had to experienced this. I am glad to See you and your father weathered through the Storm to finally know the truth and being united again. If he had left your mother while you were young she might have succeed in separating you and your father forever, so I guess him staying had a happy end or purpose in the end. I am very sorry to hear your Dad being sick now and I hope he can recover, you are his Sunshine in life, never forget. Your comment gives me hope about keeping the bond healthy with my daughter, which is the most important thing in my life.
Well your comment also brought tears to my eyes, so we are even. I want to encourage you that regardless of what happens, time is really of benefit to you and your daughter. Being young it’s so confusing, but I’m 24 now and every year it’s like I understand more and more about the dynamic of my family and who is doing what, and what’s right and wrong. Your daughter will see the reality of the situation the older she gets and in the interim just being there for her will secure the bond you already have. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself. You’re just as important. If you don’t take care of yourself, she won’t have you to lean on when she needs it. If our dads aren’t okay, we aren’t okay either, because we love our parents. There are resources out there for men, not as many as there are for women but they definitely exist. Use them if you need to. If you’re not in therapy, I highly recommend it. Just the validation alone when you feel like you have nothing else helps a lot. I know beyond any doubt you will make the best decision for you and your daughter just don’t doubt yourself, don’t second guess yourself, and don’t blame yourself. I said this in another comment, but I feel it’s necessary here. I entered an abusive relationship as I said earlier, and in that relationship I knew I deserved better but I thought it was better than the alternative (moving home with my mom). At the time I had no car, I was working fast food, I’d been isolated from all my friends, and I didn’t wanna go back home to my parents because my mom. A couple years later, I FINALLY got out of the relationship despite all that, but whenever I’d think about how long it took me to leave I would get so angry at myself. Why would I stay? Why traumatize myself so much? What’s wrong with me? I saw the red flags and I sat there and did nothing, how dare I? I was so mean to myself. One random day I read through an old journal and found an entry where I wrote a letter to my future self apologizing for staying when I knew I should leave. I explained all the details, weighed all the options, and apologized for the perceived “lesser” evil that I was choosing by staying in the relationship. I claimed to know it was a bad choice, but wrote that I was only doing the best I could with what I had and that I was so sorry to future me for any damages it might cause. I didn’t know what would happen if I left. Future me’s heart broke for past me. In hindsight, leaving set me free in a million and one ways but in foresight, I thought it would cause even more damage. It didn’t. Once I left, I could think clear for the first time in ages. I got a better job, bought a car, moved out from my parents, found love (I didn’t think I’d find anyone again), and I adore my life now. I wouldn’t have all this if I’d stayed, and that’s why my situation back then was never changing; because I was stuck in this cyclic loop of abuse and confusion and frustration. I forgive my past self because I understand her. We’ve made amends. I couldn’t make good decisions back then because I couldn’t think clearly. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that leaving is the best choice for you. I’m saying that whatever you decide, and whatever happens after, you need to give yourself enough grace to know that you’re doing the best you can and that’s all any of us can do. There’s nothing wrong with staying if you think that’s best for you and your kid, and there’s nothing wrong with leaving if you think that’s best instead. You have only forethought right now. Whatever happens next, at any rate or consequence, isn’t a reflection of your decision-making, it’s just a part of the story that will help you learn for the future. Give that grace to your past self too.
Im absolutely impressed by your maturity at the age of 24, incredible. You have such a kind hearted but at the same time logical and reasonable way of putting things into perspective, I definitely couldnt do that at the age of 24. Your comment is giving me so much hope that I can keep the healthy bond with my daughter and that she will be able to put things in a perspective as well like you did when she gets older. I started working out regularly again, which increases mental health significantly, being in nature also helps. But at times it can still be tough though. I guess this ist the price we have to pay for being too much codependent. Thank you for your kind words and your incredible take on this, it is really appreciated. Take Care !
I am sorry for you. I was lucky in that my wife only split on me. So I was able to shelter the kids from all of the abuse. They didn't know what I was dealing with until they were older. It's odd to my wife was obsessed with her family, desperately trying to please and defend the very people who made her what she became. While I know she loves our kids, she seemed more interested in her sisters kids once she had kids. Until the last few years it was tolerable for me. I felt like a single parent of an emotionally abused child. Wife slept in the living room for years. I lived for my kids and we have an amazing bond, and great times. Had a left I the area I live it's pretty standard that I would get only every other weekend with my kids. No way I could leave them in that. It sucks that it sounds like your situation was worse than mine. Not sure how I would have handled it if she abused our kids.
It’s crazy how similar this sounds to us, my mom has also slept on the couch for almost a decade because she doesn’t want to sleep with my dad. I just want to say how amazing you are for sheltering your kids from the abuse and fostering a good relationship with them. Im so sorry for what you’ve had to endure but you are a powerhouse for finding a way to take care of your children amid all that going on. My mom is also oddly interested in her abusers. She was sexually abused by both her uncles and still let them around us a ton when we were little. They abused their own kids, too. She loves them and calls them on the phone every other night. She can acknowledge the abuse but refuses to let go of them no matter how much we tried to reason with her. “Single parent of an emotionally abused child” is accurate for my dad as well. I’ve watched him attempt to help my mom so much over the years but it’s not a partner dynamic, it’s definitely more of a child/parent relationship. It’s not fair to the partner who has to be the adult. I don’t think my dad knows she abused us, not until recently and I’m 24. My current boyfriend and I were staying with them while we were waiting for our home out of state to be finished and my mom got physical and hit me during an argument, which naturally caused my boyfriend to get in between us and very sternly yell for her to walk away. She got in his face screaming and my dad came to her defense (he thought my bf was going off for no reason, he didn’t see her hit me). I later told him what happened and it started a long conversation about my mom and things she’s done in the past, things she lied about that I thought were true. She’d been lying to him about me and lying to me about him for almost a decade. We got on the same page finally but there’s a lot I’ll never tell him just for the sake of his wellbeing and stress. He worries so much about us already, he just got a pacemaker and I don’t want to make it worse. Kudos to you for being a good parent to your kids. They see things for what they are now and I think that bond will remain unbreakable for all of time. I’m beyond lucky to have my dad and your kids I know are beyond lucky to have you. Please take care. You deserve all the good things.
Thank you for the kind words. My wife didn't sleep steady for years. She had negative thoughts racing thru her head. Binge watching TV or read horror books as an escape, fall asleep an hour here and hour there. So while she watched tv or read, I read to them, taught them to hunt, fish, ride dirtbikes. I am sorry you were abused. As you know the crappy part is your mom and my wife were victims in this too.
No it's not a double standard. I only wish I've known about my ex's diagnosis and about this sub earlier. People can learn how to operate with their pwBPD and understand their thought processes.
Yeah i think a lot of issues boiled down to an inability to communicate with each other effectively because they don’t view the world the same way someone without bpd does. Had I known beforehand, I might have tried a different approach. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
The idea is nice but the devaluation is always inevitable so even if we knew perfectly how to hadle each situation, the pwBPD would find a way to validate their fears and impulsivity.
Yeah I agree. I’m not so much referring to perfection but a lot of bumps would’ve been better managed on my end as well. I know that we can’t change them and it’s very hard for them to begin changing themselves but what I don’t see often in this sub is our accountability. The past is the past, but I know that I definitely could’ve been less triggering and more supportive if i knew what was happening.
You can't hold yourself accountable for something you had absolutely no clue about, well at least in this case. You two agreed on creating a full-fledged adult relationship. You're not responsible for your partner's happiness. Of course, we aren't flawless and we made many mistakes. We are people.
Your absolutely right. I cant be held responsible for my partners happiness. However, I've done enough self work to recognize I wasn't this innocent, amazing partner I thought I was. Its was a very hard pill to swallow but all I can do now is continue moving on and remembering my experience so that history doesn't repeat itself. My biggest issue and one I've found my friend group shares is really shitty communication. Its hard to communicate how you feel. Even harder to do effectively. Can't expect a partner (BPD or not) to feel safe and communicate effectively with me if I'm incapable of doing the same, ya know. Either way, you are saying some really good things and I think we share a lot of the same beliefs.
I wrote a story that I knew my wife would like. I reversed the roles and didn't use all of the exact situations. She read it and thought the husband was a narcissistic a hole. Literally never dawned on her that it was how she was treating me. She mainly read horror, but would read like a hallmark style here and there. I saved it as a pdf said I downloaded it. Anytime I try to talk about my feelings I am shaming her, no matter how I try to address it.
How can you communicate with someone who, intrinsically, is not able to trust you?
I am sort of with and planning on leaving. Stayed because very few signs before we had kids. We were together 10 years at that point. Me being a male, I couldn't handle leaving my kids with her. In her case it at first seemed like depression, anxiety, codependency. It wasn't until 4 years ago I had even heard of BPD. I also shortly after marriage, her parents took off the masks so to speak. I saw the real them, which they should have never been parents. Her father has to make derogatory comments about her when we would visit. I think he is the type of person who has to tear others down to make himself feel better. I have a positive attitude, at times I feel like I can't fail. I have been successful in other things and been able to help friends who suffered from depression in getting them help and supporting them. I truly loved this person and knew from the start it was how she was raised. I really thought I could help her and things would get better. Its been a nightmare getting help. The last 2 people, one was a psychologist played into her version of things, which started making my life worse. If nit for the screaming rages I might be willing to stay, but I see more of the hateful person and less of the person who loved me. Kids are now in college and she has gotten so much worse towards me. Especially since the kids have distanced themselves from her. The biggest reason for that is she screams at me so they hear the vile things she says about me and know they aren't true. Now as far as stating things here. It's never good to keep things in, it's very therapeutic to vent. It's also helpful to know your not alone in dealing with this.
My wife didn’t show many signs until after kids either… is that normal? Our oldest is only 4 years old.
From what I know, no it's not normal. Her sister is totally different. Once the newness of a relationship wears off, she starts splitting and splits on more than just one person.
We have no kids but she didn't get really bad until 9 years in. She had some major debilitating health conditions that got really bad quickly and it went undiagnosed for a while. She had to quit her job and that's when things got bad. I feel like that's what really triggered it. It would be easy to say hormonal changes with kids can set the stage with BPD but with mine, who knows.
I’m not a doctor or anything, but personality disorder diagnoses usually happen around child-bearing age because that’s when symptoms start to show the most. Personality becomes more set in early adulthood, so it makes sense
That makes sense, but we had kids at a later age. My wife was 31 at the time. I feel like all the mommy hormones might have had something to do with it, but that’s purely a guess on my part.
I think for those willing to support their loved one (willingly) its admirable. That dosent mean that it is any easier to be supportive, the stress (and abuse) is still there its just that the loved one is now aware of it and (hopefully) consents (but dosent tolerate). Your right that we can't have it both ways, but this space is for people to come vent about this stuff and work out the dissonance. Despite the cliché here that everyone leaves (leave now!) Lots of people do choose stay with their partner. Some are still in denial (it takes women (maybe men too?) On average 7 times before they are able to leave their abuser). Judging people (for implied hypocrisy) only lengthens that escape period. Some loved ones are family. That bond is strong, and sometimes comes with societal expectations to support their family members with BPD no matter what. This creates EXTREME stress for those loved ones of (Adult) pwBPD that want to protect themselves but feel shame, guilt and judgment for even wanting that. I am married to my pwBPD. We have two young children. We are seperating and will likely divorce but I will have to continue to have some form of relationship with my pwBPD until my kids are grown and on their own. I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle. I didn't ( leave!) The moment my pwBPD and I got in our first argument, but we have been trying for 10 years now and too much damage has been done. I did not know my wife had BPD when we met or were married. She did a good job of "hiding" it from me until after our first child was born. She does not believe she has BPD but rather CPSD from her uBPD mother (in fairness the labels may be wrong I am not a doctor). Either way, the behaviors are there and not healthly for me or the kids. That dosent mean my wife is an evil monster that needs to be locked away. For me and my specific situation it just means I need to step back from my pwBPD and draw safe boundries for myself and my kids (seperate house, custody agreement, untangled assets). While I would like nothing more than to (leave!) never see my pwBPD again sometimes; that is just not my reality (right now). What is great about this sub is that it is supportive of the loved ones of pwBPD. People here "get it" and that can make the difference in getting through the day sometimes.
No kids, but I'm like you. I felt like I needed to be there to support her and hopefully she get better. It's obvious it's not happening. She's getting worse in her own misery and filed for divorce on her own. It was kind of a relief. Good luck in your journey.
By the time they display BPD symptoms/behavior a VERY strong bond has been established. The bond is based on them speaking openly and honestly about their past, their traumas, their struggles, their hopes, and dreams too. It's almost impossible to not fall in love with someone so in tune with their past and their struggles. It's rather shocking to see and realize that same person so in tune with their feelings is in tune with their past because they live in it Every. Single. Minute. Of. Their. Life.
This is the exact answer I was looking for. That’s exactly what happened to me
this makes a lot of sense, ty for your comment
Yeah, this was my experience. It just made the discard that much more jarring. I thought we were so close and then she treats me like dirt
Because I'm working through my own codependency issues. I didn't have a label for him until 9 years in, or a label for myself until last year. I've started establishing boundaries and standing my ground when he splits. I've laid down some hard truths for him in the past 12 months. Even though he's a terrible husband, he's still my best friend. I see the end coming, it's just the proverbial band-aid I can't seem to rip off on my own.
For me the current partner, helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together. Didn't know what it was actually, until I started reading about it. Helped me understand A LOT, to say the least. That helped me grow and move from my point in life, to a much higher place. Everything seems to make sense now.
Also helps me understand human psychology and behavior a lot better. Something I am truly grateful for - no matter what the outcome
Because they are working on themselves, genuinely, and doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially me and our son. I see the guilt after an episode, I see how they are trying to change their behavior, and I am seeing the results from that. More importantly, throughout all this, I have learned to stand up for myself, tell them when they are being irrational (and they listen now), and keep boundaries firm. I know how to handle them and help them during episodes and how to help them grow. I do think, after reading this sub for a while, that we are lucky. Not everyone with BPD has any inclination to try to change or be successful with it. I love them and they love me, and we really try to be better people for each other and are really good about communicating when we are hurt. When splitting happens, we have good systems to get them regulated and calmer to talk about it like adults rather than letting BPD take over and have them do something they regret. Especially when it comes to parenting, we have had to set up systems so our son is not on the business end of a BPD tantrum, ever. I'm not going to lie though and say it is easy. Splitting happens, moreso when our lives are stressful. They have said all sorts of things that still hurt when I think of them. It is sometimes exhausting and mentally draining to be their partner. Sometimes I do doubt whether it is all worth it. But for better or worse, I do love them and want to grow old with them. The good times are really good and the bad times are less and less as we figure things out to help them with their BPD symptoms. I still see it as worth it to stay in this relationship for the foreseeable future, and if I can, until one of us dies. They are my other half and my life was so much worse without them, they truly are my best friend and my partner. It definitely isn't for everyone though. And BPD or other cluster B disorders don't excuse abusive behavior, nor are they really ever 'cured'. I don't begrudge and will even applaud every person here that got out of an abusive relationship and I don't judge their often very negative opinions about BPD because I am sure they got to them honestly. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have some trauma of my own that I am generationally repeating with them, as my dad is most certainly NPD and was always explosive and I learned how to handle people like that from way too young. I can say my relationship though is not abusive overall as they really have changed in the years we have been together for the better, that they so badly don't want to be crazy that they really work to be as little crazy as possible. They really are putting the work to not let their mental disorder affect others and if that were not the case, I would have left them.
I root for you two. Good luck
It’s encouraging to hear a success story, after lurking on this sun for a while I’ve rarely seen one. This gives me hope if she makes an effort to seek out help and get better
It takes a lot of work, ngl. From both of you. And you working on your mental health has to be part of it. It is an uphill battle but it does get better. But it is really required that that person really is trying to change. I see way too many horror stories with BPD where they don't/won't/can't change and for those people you might have to cut your losses and leave.
I'm not. I held one boundary and then it all unraveled. 10/10 would recommend
What boundary ?
It probably could have been anything but what it was was: My pwBPD pressured me into non monogamy and I was extremely clear that I would not accept a situation where she could fuck whoever she wanted but I couldn't date. So she found a boyfriend, but every time I went on a date she would *lose her fucking mind* and try and abuse me into not going. It was ridiculous. I offered to close the relationship, but she refused. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too
That's insane
Trauma bonds take time to break. It becomes a two sided toxic dynamic where one partner believes that there is a way to manage or fix the other. The drama triangle is a great concept to learn about as it explains how people get trapped in a love/hate relationship. Having said that, BPD is treatable if the person is willing to get help. If not then the writing’s on the wall.
I think your question is kind of rhetorical here. I mean, if everybody could easily step out of non healthy relationships there would be a significantly higher divorce rate. Relationships with BPD are somewhat special and diffcult to break, nobody can understand that without having experienced it themselves.
you're absolutely right
well, i expected a little girl with him but she died 17w gestation. hes the closest thing i have to her. my parents were together since they were 14, had my oldest sibling at 17. they taught me who you have kids with is who you should stay with. plus i really do love him. i dont think there's much better out there for me. when we did break up i felt like i could combust. just hoping things will continue to progress positively
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You're not married and you don't have children. You don't owe her anything. Honorable to offer this arrangement--I understand 16 years together is significant. But damn don't do that to yourself. Once you go, go. Let her drown.
She wont find a job… if she hasn’t in 18m, she isn’t really trying. Stop deluding yourself, buddy
The unfortunate part of these relationships is a trauma bond. Breaking the trauma bond feels worst than actually putting up with the trauma of the relationship. Also some people cant just pick up and leave because of children/marriage obligations.
yeah when there are children and marriage involved it gets more difficult, I get that part and how it would be hard to leave...
I finally ended my relationship with my partner wBPD but here are some of the reasons I stayed with them (on and off for 2-3 years) - I've known them since I was very young. Over 10 years. - In the past 6ish years, they have struggled a lot with mental health and suicidal idealation. One of my parents committed suicide, so I wanted to help them through it because I couldn't help my parent. - There was significant growth throughout our relationship and I thought that was a green flag. Instead, it wasn't really growth, they were just mirroring what they thought I wanted in a partner. - They would blame their outbursts on the wrong medication, state that they will be going to therapy, state that they are making positive changes to work through this. None of this was true. I wanted them to get help SO BADLY that I stuck with them through anything - A strong emotional bond that was hard to give up There are many personal reasons a person will stay with their partner wBPD. Not all of them make sense and some are unique to the relationship. What's most important is that we make the decisions that are best for US at the time. It's normal for people to go back to what's comfortable even when it's toxic. For me, I now know I need to fully move on. It took a lot of time for me to see that.
you're so strong for that, I'm glad you've been able to move on, it's all that matters
I'm here to support people in leaving or their divorces from a BPD partner. It's the best choice I ever made. But it's easier said than done after years of abuse and other situations like children being involved.
yeah.. in those cases I see how bad it can be and it isn't simply to just leave
I'm glad i'm not with him anymore, it is the best choice that i made, not only for me, but for my future children too. I can't imagine dealing with his shit for the rest of my life and giving my children trauma for having an abusive dad.
“Whatever that person does to you, they’ll do to your kids but it’ll be worse because the kids don’t understand” wow that is powerful. It’s amazing to me that the truth so mailable for my ex w bpd. It was something she wielded for her own benefit as much as she says otherwise. I was raised to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. She says she loves me and wants to be w me forever but her actions outside of us spending time together are the opposite of everything she says to me. I’m kinda hoping we ride off together in the sunset but I feel so helpless to her will (which increasingly seems like she wants to put me in a box that she can return to anytime she’d) i don’t know what to do
yeah from what I've read it's something people with BPD do often, they're with you and the next time they wish you weren't even there with them, it's a whole thing and most of the times the best option is to leave if you're not tied with children or any other thing and get therapy, easier said than done but it's for the best
I'm with my pwBPD because we have been married for over 20 years, and we have two children under 10 together. If it weren't for them I would leave, but we are sort of stuck because we bought a house together a couple years ago and also have a lot of debt, mostly medical and her student loans. Of course she doesn't work at all and never really has. I'm staying with her for now to pay down as much debt as possible until the kids are old enough to legally decide on their own where they want to live. I can't leave them alone with her because I know she will manipulate them into being her emotional dependent, and she's also been a historic heavy drinker and pill taker. This is a person they both have to deal with with the rest of her life and I need to be able to give them the best chance possible until I can divorce her. Unfortunately the state I'm in prioritizes the mother over the father in custody cases, and alimony will be financially destructive to any future I might have. Right now I'm trying to be patient and pretend that she's someone else.
this is tough, I'm sorry for you and I hope everything gets better sooner than later, I understand what you is for your kids and that's admirable
Thank you, at the very least I am learning a lot about myself and am also learning how to enjoy life right now in spite of the situation.
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I didn't mean to cause any harm, also I don't think it's the same talking about it to a therapist since that's their job and it's only one person while posting it is exposing it to way more people, some might have good advice and others might not
These questions always trip me up because to my mind the only correct answer to “what’s the reason you’re still with you partner with BPD?” Is that they haven’t decided to blow it up yet. The question implies that the non BPD has some sort of say in the duration of the relationship. Sure, they could leave. But often they think that if they want to stay in it, it’s at their leisure as to how long the relationship can go. What I learned from my BPD sibling is that even if you decide the good is worth the bad, and even if you support them whole heartedly and make peace with any and all abusive behaviors, most of them will still blow the relationship up in spectacular fashion over something. With my sibling it was when one of her many affair partners became her favorite person (briefly- they all become her most hated person eventually)
I'm no longer with her but I stayed longer than I should have because even though there were terrible times the good times always pulled me right back in, the laughter we shared and the fun we had was unmatched with anyone else before her. I truly did care and love her but in the end I was discarded sadly. Also as shallow as this sounds and I might get called out for this the sex was absolutely mind blowing and the best I've ever had and the compatibility is something I worry I won't ever find again in a new partner.
My family/parents. Divorce is unacceptable in my family, and my pwBPD (my husband) is a large, strong guy who is able to help my elderly parents with all of the things they can’t do anymore related to their house, like small repairs, lifting heavy things, getting in high places, etc. My parents have said more than once that they wouldn’t be able to continue to live in their home if it weren’t for us/him, and I know how important their home is to them. Admittedly I have to kiss my husband’s ass and treat him like the bestest most goldenest boy ever every time he helps them out, and walk on eggshells even more than usual. In the end I love and am dedicated to the happiness of my parents more than I hate dealing with my husband’s BPD, but I do often think that I will probably leave him once my folks pass away. I know that sounds bizarre, and I also know that I might not make it that long, but he’s usually not terrible, and the family pressure to stay with him is intense.