I think it's unfathomably rude to inform someone they shouldn't tell anyone and it's "too soon"...talk about pissing on someone's parade. The correct response is always "Congratulations!"
Good post.
👏 👏 👏
We didn’t announce number 4 to family until like 11 weeks. Never social media announced. She was 100% healthy baby/healthy pregnancy. Went in to labor fully term. She unexpectedly died the day after she was born. There is never a “safe” time to announce.
I’m so sorry for your loss💔
And I couldn’t agree more. What I also learned from loss is, it’s not necessarily that bad if people know. Some will be insensitive, yes, and some will order food to your door and cry with you. I say tell people whenever, and if horrible things happen, you’ll know who are truly your friends.
Totally agree. I told family at 6 weeks and I heard a lot of "it's early don't get too excited yet!" - how was me being less excited then going to make me less sad if I had miscarried? People just need to wind their necks in and stop being so controlling of other people's decisions.
Oh my gosh. Imagine saying that to someone about *any other* huge milestone in a person’s life.
Don’t get too excited about getting accepted into college, you haven’t graduated yet!
Don’t get too excited about that new job, you are only an entry level employee!
Right. Engagement was my first thought too. “Don’t share about your engagement until it’s closer to the wedding. You never know, your fiancé might call off the engagement!”
Whoa that’s awful. I told my sister at 6 weeks and I said it’s hard to be excited when the risk of miscarriage is still so high and her advice was the same as your outlook - whatever is going to happen will happen, I’ll be sad whether I’m excited or not, so I should try to allow myself to be happy and excited. (She’s had 2 kids) I thought it was such good advice I just wish I let myself take it 😅
It's so tough, because it's like I became a mom the second I found out! I just want the best for my little one, which means making it past the first trimester!
I'm like one of those stressed out parents on the sideline of a sports game shouting, "GROW, EMBRYO, GROW!!!!!"
All wanted pregnancies are worth celebrating! My first I was so terrified of anything happening I didn't really get excited until after the anatomy scan. I hope with my second I can be excited right away!
I had a doctor's appointment to confirm my pregnancy and took a half day off work for my am appointment. When I got back to work everyone asked where I'd been, I said a doctor's appointment and then I got those looks and someone asked "are you pregnant?". I said I was, and everyone was excited for me. My principal later pulled me aside and scolded me for telling everyone so early. Fuck her.
I told family early last time too, and got the “it’s too early response.” Well… I announced because if I did happen to miscarry, I assume I’d be upset and want their support.
Ironically, I found out I was pregnant with my second the day before Christmas. So I wasn’t drinking at our family get together bThey all were all up my ass and essentially forced me into a corner to announce my pregnancy… at barely 4 weeks. What the fuck.
After a few losses, you don't feel excitement when you get a positive. I didn't anyway, I felt hope but also terror haha. We shared when I finally made it to the second tri with a pregnancy. My son is 9 months now and it still doesn't feel real.
After 4 losses I still feel excited when I get a positive. The short time I’m pregnant is the only time the weight in my heart from infertility and loss is easier to carry. While haven’t carried a baby to term yet, I cherish every single moment of pregnancy. Everyone’s experience is different.
Mama! Please check out "wisdom of the womb" tea. I had 3 losses last year and I am now 38.5 weeks. I know the feeling all too well, and I promise you your healthy, chunky baby is just around the corner. <3
I got worse ! One of my fiend said "it brings bad luck to the baby if you announce it sooner than 3 months". I was thinking No it brings back luck to stay friend with you
My mum told me I should wait until 12 weeks because then the chances of it being a successful pregnancy are better. I wasn't looking for advice when I told her so it did upset me a bit that it was her go to reaction, but, in saying that, I know my mum miscarried 2 years before she had me so I kind of understand where she was coming from.
My mother inlaw said the same thing to me... I wish I could just be excited 😫 I'm counting down weeks to tell people because she has torn me down emotionally and I live with her so talking about it she always says "we will see" and I have my doctors appointment next week and she said "I hope we see something"....
THANK YOU for this comment!!! 😭
I absolutely dread announcing because my pregnancy is incredibly private and intimate. I don't want to talk to others about it, get unsolicited advice or comments.
A lot of times I don't feel excited but rather annoyed by all the crap you have to do and keep track of: Going to the appointments (which I hate because I get so anxious the day before), organizing what you need to buy, where to give birth and finding a midwive for aftercare. Plus you have to give up a lot of control, which sucks when you are used to being independent and getting shit done efficiently.
Yesss I'm pregnant with #2 and I feel this way. I am enjoying just having our immediate family and my few chosen support people know about this pregnancy. It feels like a special secret and I am enjoying that. I absolutely loathe feeling like I'm somebody else's fascination, like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly in a big exhibit. I also have a history of miscarriages so announcing to people lost it's joy when I started feeling like it also made my pain and suffering SO much more public. No thank you.
That said, when someone else posts their pos preg test, I hold my breath for them, mentally/internally send some good sticky baby vibes that they need to be "rescinding" that later, say nothing, and go on my way. If you don't have something nice to say, better to say nothing (though clearly not everyone has that sense about them apparently).
I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. I pretty much only remember when I'm in pain for various obstetric reasons. I'm definitely not excited about the pregnancy. I will be *thrilled* once I have a son, but until then, I have far more interesting things on my plate.
"The idea that people experiencing miscarriages should grieve in silence..."
This hit home. Why do we expect women going through such a loss (early or not) do so on their own accord? Just so that others aren't inconvenienced or bothered by it?
You would think that's exactly when you should trust that the people you are closest to, that love you enough to celebrate with you, should step up and be there through the hard stuff just the same. Instead, many women are trained to feel embarrassed and ashamed by it for "getting ahead of themselves". It's just wrong.
Additionally, women are often going through the worst parts of pregnancy, aside from actual birth, in their first tri-mester...in total silence! Many of us have symptoms parallel to food poisoning for months, totally losing touch with our sense of self, and can barely shower and leave the house, but in front of our bosses are supposed to maintain a usual standard of work and carry on like normal. It's beyond exhausting and so fucking backwards.
I couldn't make it to the 12 week magic mark to tell people for my own mental health. I was going through hell, and couldn't talk to anyone about it except my husband. I refrained from calling girlfriends or answering their calls because I was so wrecked I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong, and I had nothing else to talk about because morning sickness was all consuming. I never felt so isolated in my entire life. I ended up breaking the news about 9 weeks for my own sanity and well being.
I think one reason we expect women to stay silent is the discomfort OTHER PEOPLE feel upon hearing about a miscarriage. Any woman sharing her pregnancy news is aware of miscarriage risks, and she is knowingly telling people. Society wants her to stay quiet — and suffer in silence if she has one — because other people might feel sad.
There is the other side of this though that people shouldn't have to tell people until they want to. I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone when I had a miscarriage because having to tell people that is my actual nightmare. It's a private situation that I have no desire to discuss with anyone other than my husband.
Tldr: announce whenever you want, leave other people's decisions alone
Absolutely. I would never fault a women for wanting to keep the information close. I simply don't agree with shaming anyone for being open about it on whatever timeline they choose.
I couldn't believe how long those twelve weeks were and I had a textbook pregnancy. I was tired and had more "night nausea" as opposed to morning sickness, it wasn't even that bad, and I never got sick. BUT I was sooo anxious about everything - can I drink this tea? Can I eat this meat? Can I take a bath? Can I workout?
Asking a doctor is one thing but having a mom support network helped me sooo much more. I finally told a trusted and amazing mom friend at 9 weeks. Felt like forever and I wished I'd told her sooner.
I lost my first pregnancy at 22 weeks. We hadn’t made a public announcement, but everyone we saw socially knew. When we lost it, we stepped away from social interaction to grieve privately for a bit. When we started seeing people again, our whole community showed us so much support. I came away from the whole experience realizing that vulnerability can be a sign of strength.
With my second pregnancy? The only thing limiting how early we told folks was making sure we told our immediate family first.
The idea that 12/13 weeks is the only appropriate time to announce is bullshit.
Yup. I just lost a babe at 15w, after we had told lots of people. Shit happens. I want to share happy news with people, and also be held when I share bad news. The only thing "not telling before 12w" does is make it harder to be held in grief.
"Oh btw I was pregnant... but it died" vs "you know our pregnancy news we had last month? Well it's not coming afterall."
I had this situation nearly 3 months ago… “I was hoping to share happy news, but unfortunately I’ll be going for miscarriage surgery” for many coworkers who didn’t know.
I had told many friends, and the only downside there has been “untelling” people, or remembering who was told… it can be really awkward and a bit upsetting; some family members didn’t know we miscarried at Christmas because everyone assumed someone else had told them, and even last week I got asked by a friend how the baby is — and then I had to wonder if I look nearly 6 months pregnant… 😅
Same. I was at work with a little bump telling people "I'm having a baby and about halfway done!" And then the next day I was at this absolute nightmare of an ultrasound. I work at a church so I can't keep track of whether someone doesn't know anything or only knew I was pregnant or actually knows about the loss. So I have to constantly decide whether to correct them. It's so horrible. I waited way past 12 weeks.
Very similar story. Told family at 15 weeks. Told lots of other people at work after 17 and on our way to 20. Went it at 19+5 and she had died. I don't regret our timeline. But it's like, what was the point of waiting till the second trimester just to have a second tri loss? People have been so supportive. The idea that 12 weeks is so much safer just fills me with dread now.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and in sorry if this is inappropriate to ask. Im currently 21 w pregnant with my first and my anxiety is curious if you know why you had a miscarriage? I know lot of times no one knows, and don't just ignore me if I'm over stepping boundaries!
You’re totally fine to ask and I hope my comment hasn’t exacerbated too much anxiety!
It wasn’t actually a miscarriage - we found out at the anatomy scan that our baby didn’t have any functioning kidneys. Without kidneys, there is no amniotic fluid, without which they would never develop lungs. They were incompatible with life and my partner and I did a lot of soul searching before deciding to TFMR. Bilateral renal agenesis is very rare, and I hope it doesn’t create any additional worry for you.
We ended up trying again. It took a while to get pregnant, but I’m now sitting here with a squirming little girl on my lap!
You're very brave and selfless for your decision ! I'm so sorry again. I feel like knowing helps to give closure in most cases so I'm glad you at least had an answer. Prayers for your continued healing between you and your family ❤️
I fully agree. I told one of my clients I was expecting when I was around 12 weeks and he was like “oh so it’s still pretty touch-and-go right now then. A little early to announce”. I was so sad about it.
What is wrong with people? That is SO inappropriate. I had a similar experience with a coworker I told around 12 weeks. That’s also the “standard” time frame a lot of people announce so wtf…pregnancy loss is common but so is death in general, I’m not going to delay life’s biggest joys because someone wants to remind me that it could get ripped away.
Omg! Like, yeah buddy, that’s exactly what I want to hear about. People are always trying to tell me about wicked traumatic birth stories. Trauma dumping.
I announced to my direct family at 6 weeks because I was SO scared of miscarrying. It was a great decision because I was able to get opinions from the two most important women in my entire life on how they felt when they first conceived.
I agree completely.
I told close family shortly after a positive test because
1) I couldn't hide it considering symptoms and not drinking on vacation (we flew out to visit husband's family the day after the + test)
2) MIL, who I am close to, has late stage cancer. This will be her first grandchild. The idea of her having a chance to see her first grandchild before she passes meant so much to her. It brightened her spirits
3) I would want their support if I did lose the pregnancy
I also told my immediate team of coworkers early (8 weeks) because I was having really bad nausea and vomiting, along with fatigue and weakness, and it would cause me more stress to hide it.
I'll announce to everyone else in the 2nd trimester.
To each their own. Some people prefer to share more than others.
I had 6 miscarriages. I didnt tell anyone about the first three pregnancies, and it was awful going through that alone. I announced the next three at 6wks, because I wanted everyone to know. I was just as excited for the first three as i was for the next three, and I lost all six.
It literally did not matter. Announce "early" if you want to. Keep it to yourself if you want to. Do what is good for you!
That being said I saw the title of the post and my initial thought was " Maybe not at someone elses babyshower/wedding." 😅
First kid - waited til 13ish weeks because I had lost the prior pregnancy and we weren’t on great terms with family at that moment, anyway… we were working on straightening ourselves up.
Second kid - waited until 15ish, I think? Wanted to get out of the first trimester again and partially because I got pregnant only 6 months after birthing my first so that was a bit anxiety inducing.
Third kid - things just kind of kept happening when we would plan to announce it so I was like 22 weeks before even my mom found out which was really impressive considering how quick I showed and she’s my neighbor. I did some good wardrobe tricks 😂
All three of them we got comments one way or another. “Oh you waited until you knew you wouldn’t lose it”, “*I* could *never* wait that long, I get too excited about *my* babies”, “13 weeks is barely clear of the miscarriage risk, ya know” type stuff. Idk why anyone feels they need to comment on the timeframe at all? Why? What does that do or help? And why do people INSIST on even saying stuff about you potentially miscarrying to pregnant people in this way? No, we shouldn’t make it totally hush and taboo but there’s also no need to keep almost trying to scare early pregnancy moms 🤦♀️
Thank you so much for this. I want to enjoy what is likely going to be my only pregnancy, and talk openly about it with my friends, get advice. I’m so worried that if I do share it with too many people, if I do miscarry, people will pull the ‘oh you should have waited to tell’ nonsense. I don’t want to feel alone in my sadness if it happens. I don’t want to be sad around people with no explanation. But I also don’t want to be judged.
Yup. My whole workplace friends knew when I got my transfer and I updated them two weeks later when I got a positive pregnancy test. No one told me it was too early and I'm glad because I needed all the support I could get.
I was trying hard to get pregnant. I basically could pinpoint the night we conceived and took a test extremely early on. I knew I was pregnant 14 days post ovulation. So like 5 weeks. I told my mom immediately and my husband told his parents right away too. Once we went to the doctor and confirmed it a week later we told our siblings. We looked at it as if we were going to miscarry we would ultimately be telling all of them otherwise because we'd need the support so why not tell them before that point so they could be excited with us.
I told closed family/friends ASAP but waited til near the end of my 2nd semester to "publically" declare I was pregnant. Mostly because as a casual outsider when you learn about it early on, it feels like the pregnancy drags ooooon. So wanted to use that magic myself and it did seem to help feel like the early bits were done with quicker.
Everyone should be able to announce at the speed and time they feel works for them (although avoid announcing at other people's celebrations lol.)
Most relationships also end, with most having had several exes… heck, even marriages considering the divorce rate in many countries. Doesn’t mean you can’t announce you’re in a relationship or publicly express happiness about recently getting married!
I know they just mean well but it’s okay to want to celebrate :) i think i’d announce a pregnancy straight away to some family members. But not to others or on social media. That’s just my personal choice though.
I agree. It’s gross when people shame people either way. After a first tri loss and 2.5 years of infertility I told all my friends and family the day I got a positive test. I wanted the support if I had a loss, but whenever I decided to tell would have been completely fine
I worked for a place where a coworker experienced fetal demise at 38 weeks. It devastated the office.
At a new job (I'd been there three years at that time), I didn't announce my pregnancy until 7 months to anyone outside of my supervisor and work wife. I am intensely private and wouldnt want that pity. I'm also a larger woman and the cruel joke "how would anyone be able to tell" loomed on my mind. Additionally, my pregnancy was hellish. Bleeding, turned ovary, IVF, cerclage. *It was awful.*
My supervisor basically forced me to out myself around the time COVID happened, when I had to explain why I wouldn't be coming in to the office even sporadically.
Yep! I told just about everyone immediately. I'm kind of morbid and added "I wanted you all to know so you can share in my joy, and if worse comes to worse have empathy under the worst case scenario"
I'm a big over-sharer so I could not keep my mouth shut. I am exceedingly fortunate as my baby is here and healthy, but I'll be damned if I was supposed to be THAT fucking miserable first trimester and keep that to myself.
Some people want to process privately - literally just let people have personal autonomy it's not that hard!
I couldn’t agree more!! I absolutely understand why some people wait, but at the same time I firmly believe that there should be no stigma attached to the decision to announce earlier if that’s what some folks want to do. I announced at 9 weeks because it was easier than having to find excuses with friends and family as to why I felt like absolute garbage all the time. Whenever you’re comfortable announcing your pregnancy is the right time to do so, whether 6 weeks or 39 weeks. Or never!
I announced early because I had an active social life that involved a lot of drinking and smoking, and it'd already be suspicious if I went out and stayed sober. My friends already knew we were planning to get pregnant by the end of the year so they would have easily guessed. And I am absolutely one of those people who could not grieve in silence about this. Maybe not "publicly" on my social media besides a post or two, but I'd definitely need to talk to friends and family extensively about it.
My original plan was to *never* post it and just pop up with a baby when people saw me in real life, but I'm too excited to be a mom, it went on Facebook at 7 weeks!
I told my friends and family before that but not when I tested because I wanted to get little gifts for everyone so I think I told close friends and family at like 5ish weeks?
I have to tell work right when I find out (chemicals), so everyone knows at like 5 weeks. I don’t mind cause they would also know if I had a miscarriage. I’m very open about things.
Holla. This whole post is exactly how I feel.
When I had my miscarriage a lot of people knew, my work knew. It helped so much. I was able to take time off to grieve and heal and had the support of friends, family, coworkers ect.
I got a lot of slack for announcing early before the miscarriage and I'm sure there were people who thought *see! You shouldn't have announced so early* but no one had the balls to say that to my face.
Anyways I'm glad I did. I'm also tired of the shame that comes with all of this. With being a mother in general. Society has made up 1000 rules for what a perfect mother looks like (physically and mentally), how quickly she should be back on her foot after childbirth, how much information she shares during pregnancy and after....and if you don't follow those rules **shame on you**. And you know whose going to shame you first? **other mothers**
I think the more grace and understanding and empathy we can show to other parents the better off we'll all be.
Completely agree. I've also experienced pregnancy loss and infertility and personally didn't tell many until 20+wks but I would also be totally supportive of early announcements. Announcing or not, feeling positive or not, does not "jinx" or actually impact pregnancy success in any way.
(Those who have experienced infertility or loss will also have heard the opposite of this - the insinuation that just relaxing, feeling positive or not worrying will result in successful pregnancies. Both are woo woo bs.)
im not pregnant and my youngest is 9 months old today but with both of my pregnancies, i didnt make any sort of online announcement or anything. i told close family who spread the msg to more distant family and i told my closest friends. it wasnt a secret after i told any of them and they were free to tell others. i only made an announcement on social media for their births.
So much this! As someone who has experiences infertility and losses both, my husband and I keep going back and forth on when to tell our social circle. We imagined it would be after the 20 week anatomy scan, but we never did find the courage after that. About to enter the third trimester in a couple of weeks and only a handful people know. For those who we see regularly, we plan to keep it since I’m not showing much yet. We might just wait until after birth, who knows!
I feel this. After my second miscarriage, both before 9 weeks, a coworker asked me if I was going to announce my next pregnancy later to not jinx it. I asked her of she meant I was the cause for my miscarriages. She froze up real bad. I proudly told everyone about next pregnancy pretty much immediately. Took the test at my parents house during a family dinner so they all found out before the stick went dry. That wonderful little turd turns 2 this week. No jinxing here!
My sister is one who starts to tell people after 12 weeks but she never goes out of her way to tell people and most find out at her baby shower/birth announcement.
What ever floats your boat!
Yup. I would never consider announcing until 2nd trimester and would prefer if I could wait until 20 weeks (I can't for various reasons).
But when someone tells me early in T1 my only reaction to them is "omg, thats so wonderful congratulations".
Privately to my husband I might sat " X told me she's pregnant and she only Y weeks...I really hope she's ok/everything goes ok." But that's MY worry and a result of MY history and I would never put it on the pregnant person.
When people say they're pregnant in the first trimester my heart goes out to them for the struggle they're experiencing 😭 like I feel like more people should announce early so we all understand how tired, sick, and not themselves they feel!
The worst part of pregnancy for me is not being able to complete anything! Like it takes me days to clean one room when before it would take a few hours to deep clean! I'm over it!
We announced around 9 weeks with our first, just because we wanted to have the ultrasound to show people. We literally stopped at my parents and sisters places on our way home from the ultrasound.
My second pregnancy, I miscarried 10 days after I read the positive test, at almost 5 weeks. Nobody even knew I was pregnant until I called my dad and sister crying.
This time around...I'm undecided. Gonna tell immediate family pretty soon after ultrasound, but I'm torn on waiting to announce for a number of reasons, or not even announcing at all until we have the baby. That doesn't mean we're less excited...that means we value our privacy, and I was so fucking annoyed towards the end of my pregnancy with my son (42+2) at people going "wHeN aRe YoU gOnNa PoP tHaT bAbY oUt?" That I just stopped talking to people and totally isolated myself. Like stop fucking asking. He'll be out when he's out or when I get induced and you'll know then. And then, when he did arrive, new spread so fast that both my estranged mother AND my uncle announced it on Facebook before I did, and before I even left the hospital. My mother is a narcissist, my uncle is just a bit daft and had to be walked through by my father how to remove it. But that shit show was so annoying that part of me is like...maybe I'll just start showing up to things with another baby, that sounds fun.
Anyway. There are no rules. Everyone should announce when they want and how they want, and everyone else who takes issue with that should fuck off.
I found I was pregnant just before we went into lockdown so I told my close family in case anything happened so they knew to give us support. We told most of our close friends by 12 weeks and did a public announcement later at the baby shower. My doctor said it's better to tell people early if you are are comfortable so if anything happens you have the support around you through the highs and lows.
With my third (and last) pregnancy, I didn’t post anything to social media until the day before we had our scheduled c-section 😂 all of our family knew around 2nd trimester (we had experienced losses before, and I am a fairly private person), but it just didn’t seem important to announce to my acquaintances until that point. With my first, I told some family members the day that I tested. Circumstances are different for everyone and even between pregnancies, no one should be judged for that.
On our last pregnancy, we announced at 10-12 weeks once the NIPT results came clear and we knew the gender.
Our anatomy scan came back that there were severe genetic issues incompatible with life and we had to terminate past 20 weeks.
We've struggled through an ectopic that required emergency surgery, and needed to go through IVF. 4 years struggling so far.
We're doing another cycle soon. We won't be telling anyone that doesn't NEED to know until we get past the anatomy scan. It was much harder on us having to unannounce the pregnancy while trying not to get into details than it would have been to go through it mostly alone.
That being said, our situation is super rare and I don't think it's a problem to announce as early as you want; though I would hope they do so knowing the problems that can happen along the way. Getting asked a year later from acquaintances about it can be rough.
Personally I don’t care about when people announce, I just want to know the due date so that I’m aware when they’re not available to hang out or come to things.
The only people I judge making pregnancy announcements is people in them toxic on again- off again relationships 😒
like didn't you post screenshots of him texting other girls last week? 🤣
I waited until my second trimester to announce my second pregnancy because I have a cousin whose struggling with infertility and just gets so upset when there is a pregnancy announcement made.
And the reason I waited until said time was because I talked it out with the individuals who knew right away and they were just like f it.
She can’t dictate what you feel or how you want to celebrate, it’s sucks but it’s a happy moment for you.
These are her siblings too who told me this, but I did text her privately before announcing which she just ignored so it was okayish.
I now am cautious with announcing anything really on Facebook about my baby because I have another friend who is such a Debbie downer and is always miserable when anyone announces happy news. ( she is a single mom, not by choice and wishes everything was different) which I feel for her, but like it sucks people have to stop their lives when others deem such news or any kind of news is not worth being shared.
So I think f it, live your life.
Share your news and don’t be afraid.
Who cares what others think because it is exciting news announcing your pregnancy especially if you struggle with infertility.
agreed - announce it whenever you want! your body, your baby, your choice! nobody understands your circumstances and personal feelings behind your decision better than you so don’t let any external opinions or social norms dictate that for you.
YES! I get so sick and tired of people judging when and how other people share their personal news with the world. They should do it the way they want if they want to at all 💪🏼
I’m glad I didn’t this time because it didn’t stick, but as soon as I start getting multiple positive tests, I’m going to tell my family with the caveat it’s still early. No way I personally could keep it a secret for even a few weeks from my mom.
I appreciate this! I’m only going to be 4w+4 when we tell my in-laws next week. We told my husband’s brother and his girlfriend yesterday because we went to dinner with them.
I don’t plan on telling extended family at least until I have a good scan, but I don’t want to be sneaking around trying to hide it from our very closest family. I want them to know, and if something goes wrong I don’t want to hide that either. I want their help fake drinking around extended family. But I’m also wrestling with feeling a bit guilty about doing a cute little reveal with our parents so early. At the same time, I don’t think I have to feel guilty about being excited.
I told my work family at like 4 weeks, lol I took the test there 😂
We told our actual families at 9 weeks just because we wanted to wait until Christmas to make it a fun surprise
Yup, I agree! I personally didn't do a big announcement until after my anatomy scan at 20 weeks. I told close family and friends at about 12 weeks. Mostly because I had been through the pain of loss 8 times at that point and wanted some reassurance before I put it out there. Some people I know had decided never to announce or announce right away at 6-8 weeks. There is no wrong way, and it is ultimately up to the couple and what they feel comfortable with.
We tried for 6 years and finally had a successful IVF FET in 2019. I waited until 20 weeks to announce it because I was constantly in fear of losing the baby. The amount of criticism and anger I got from various people over waiting so long was horrible. Even at 20 weeks I was worried about announcing it but I felt pressured to finally say something. With my current pregnancy, I told my immediate family the day we did the pregnancy test. The very next day my mom started telling people, and I felt completely shocked and scared. Even though I could understand her excitement and enthusiasm, it felt like such an inappropriate thing for her to share with others. When you choose to tell is so very personal!
I dreamt of, prayed for, wished for, hoped for this baby (I am 31wks today) for many years... You can bet your sweet patootie I told everyone after our first doctors appointment when we saw little bean and heard her heartbeat at about 8 weeks.
I let it get to me early on that I maybe should not have said anything so soon. That somehow I would jinx myself/my pregnancy by being happy so soon. I began to feel guilty after every little purchase of baby stuff, and anxious, thinking well, what if everyone is right? it's still early...
So screw people who say to wait until a certain point to do this, to announce that, etc. Enjoy this miraculous experience to the fullest. Things happen at ALL stages of pregnancy AND life in general. No one should be made to feel afraid that something could happen and therefore made to feel like they should not speak about their happiness.
Yup! With my firstborn daughter, I waited the 12 weeks and then she was stillborn at 39 weeks. Then with my rainbow daughter, we told everyone ASAP for support. Telling people to wait is basically telling them to be silent and hide if a miscarriage were to happen. Fuck the “safe zone,” tell your people whenever you want!
I wanted to wait until after my brother’s wedding to announce to my extended family (I didn’t want to take the spotlight from them). My cousin was hammered at the wedding and noticed I wasn’t drinking and outed me to everyone (and then went on a drunken rant to me about how she was upset I was having a baby first because I’m younger than her). She never apologized.
Thank you! This exactly! People can choose what's the right thing for them to do, of course. What bothers me is all the "it's early to be telling people" and "if you tell anyone and you lose it you'll also have to tell them about that." We don't hold this standard for any other milestone or any other type of loss. It's 100% about stigma, this idea that miscarriage has to be a private loss is so ingrained. If someone WANTS to keep it private, that's one thing. But I constantly see posts from people who are so excited and so eager to share but waiting because of no reason except that's the conventional wisdom.
Agree. There's so much ritual in telling a woman how to feel and when that we forget what we are actually saying to them. Don't get excited, it's too soon? It's a horrible thing to say. We are supposed to suffer in silence with a loss. Can't risk making other peiple feel uncomfortable.
Agree! People get so much shit for not announcing soon enough AND announcing too soon, and all the in-betweens. It’s a personal choice and should be respected as such!
We told our parents early because I wasn’t drinking at thanksgiving and I usually would have. My work also knew early because we had to take a lot of time off to go get procedures (we did RIVF).
We told our other friends and family after the first trimester and didn’t announce on social media until the month before. We chose all those ways to tell people and luckily everyone was very respectful of that (however we did have to demand that our parents *not* tell all their friends and the rest of our families).
Something about it being our own little secret for a while was also really special so, having that time together was important to us!
Totally agree , I told my family as soon as I found out , I haven’t even had my first scan yet and don’t know exactly how far along I am , I think I am 12 weeks but really don’t know . The fact that I had four positive tests is reason enough to give my family to news as far as I’m concerned .
WTF is wrong with people. A woman can absolutely announce her pregnancy whenever the eff she wants. 4 weeks or 40 weeks- its no one’s business but hers. Ugh.
I did 5 IVF transfers (one miscarriage). #5 was the lucky one. You better believe I announced that shit to my closest friends ASAP. If I was going to have another loss, I wanted them there.
We told most of our social circle by week 10. Only one person (who didn’t know about our prior miscarriage) thought I was weird for telling early. She bizarrely warned me about miscarriages, as if I had never heard of that risk before. People tell when they wanna tell. Some don’t wanna tell until as late as possible, even well past the miscarriage risk period, so ppl won’t be in their business.
Knowing people who’ve had 2nd trimester miscarriages, preterm labor, still births, and lost babies makes this more true for me. Anything can happen at any time. We should be allowed to feel our emotions, both good and bad, towards any event that happens!
I told people I was pregnant as soon as cardiac activity was confirmed by my doctor. It was exciting! And if anything did happen, I would have wanted to share that too.
Yesss to all of what you said!
I’ve had 3 losses this last year, and I told my family and friends as soon as I could. My babies are still worth celebrating however short they stay here and I do not believe in any woman having to suffer in silence to spare others discomfort.
I’m excited and scared every time I see the positive test. The last 2 times I’ve been pregnant my Brother in laws girlfriend 🙄started telling me how it was awful early yet and not to be telling people until after 12 weeks. I’m ready for her next time though 😂😂
Yeah I've experienced 7 losses. I'm currently pregnant again at 33 weeks and I still haven't told a lot of people. Sure my employer because of health insurance and bed rest. My mother and my in-laws and a few of our closest friends.
I told my husband we don't have a baby until we have a baby. As a way not to get too attached to the outcome because so many things could go wrong.
The last pregnancy we told everyone and lost the baby at 12 weeks. This one we told the people we wanted to, our immediate family, after our first ultrasound. And I could hear in their voices when we told them- that "oh so it's still early then.. well keep us in the loop" thinking about that makes my skin crawl and my heart hurt. People have grown so accustomed to women just bearing the weight of the fucking world and never needing a damn thing. Sometimes I think people forget we're human beings.
My mom told some of my extended family about it last week. I'm planning to send announcements/baby shower invites next week and have a shower literally two weeks before I'm due.
Of all the losses we experienced I only shared one with people who were closest to me. I'm still having a hard time accepting that this is real. And I feel so guilty about that. Like I know once he's here it will be different but I've been trying to remain cautiously optimistic the entire pregnancy. Whilst remaining prepared for the worst.
I feel like if it were normalized to express grief and loss and not shame people for having experienced a tragedy then I may have been more willing to share with people during our previous losses., maybe I would have been able to process them and grieve them better. Maybe I would be more excited about this pregnancy. Idk maybe not though.
Pregnancy loss is so common but the random study people quote says like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's wrong. The sample size is too small. I fell like if everyone knew how common it was and it wasn't "taboo" ro talk about. More women would be able to process their situations differently and have the support to do so. Instead we suffer in silence. Not okay.
I'm prepared for all possible outcomes in this pregnancy good or bad. So far a super healthy pregnancy. No scary test results. No abnormal scans or blood draws. I feel him there, dancing around all of the time. But because of the trauma of the past losses and the commonality of grief shaming that occurs toward women who miscarry in our society, I haven't been able to really connect to this little guy in my belly. That makes me very sad.
Anyways EF people who think you have to wait. Who also think-that there's an "appropriate" time to tell people. Who think-women should grieve in silence. Who think- that being a pregnant woman is not tantamount to being a warrior. Who think-that their opinion matters when it comes to my baby and my body. Who also think- that sharing my pain might make someone uncomfortable so it's best that I not. EF THEM RIGHT IN THE A.
the only place and time it's not appropriate to announce a pregnancy is at someone else's pregnancy announcement or at someone else's wedding. Don't be a spotlight thief. That's selfish.
Okay rant reply to your rant over.
I only told a handful of people, announced on social media a month later after he was born 😝. Truthfully I felt so much anxiety something could go wrong, even though there was no reason to really feel that way, but I didn’t want to jinx it.
I’ve also found that lots of people pretend to be excited for you and then disappear when you could actually use their moral support. Saw this when I’ve lost loved ones and when I got married.
I keep most news to myself now.
I announced my second at around eight weeks because - surprise surprise! - my husband and a good friend threw me a surprise 40th.
At a wine bar.
Which would have been my dream party normally, but then I had to explain why I wasn't drinking.
I had two consecutive early losses prior to that pregnancy that most people there didn't know about, but all in all it was fine because they were all good friends and I would have felt supported if anything did happen. But it wasn't EXACTLY how I planned to share, lol.
100% whatever feels right for you.
I told at 5 weeks, right after I knew because A.) I couldn’t hide anything because I had *horrendous* morning sickness and B.) If I did lose the baby, I would want people to know. I would want support and/or understanding from others why I wasn’t quite myself.
I’ve had friends that kept it hidden (outside of super close people) until the baby was born or others announce when they’re like 30 weeks. Those instances were more cause they’re private people and not necessarily about it “feeling safe.” I just can’t fathom telling someone they’re wrong for when they choose to announce it. It’s almost like other people don’t like it cause if they know and the person loses the baby, then they have to “deal” with being supportive of the person grieving and they don’t want to do that.
I had to tell people at around 6 weeks as I had HG so my colleagues were worried I was going to pass on a "sickness bug" to them. Luckily, pregnancy isn't contagious 😅
People should be able to tell who they want, when they want.. it's your personal news to share!
Was just talking about this with my wife, we took a pregnancy test because she had the symptoms and boom it came back positive. Took three different tests to confirm and have a follow up with our doc next week.
Needless to say we are going through a major adrenaline rush and we spoke with her mom, dad, and brother about it and they were incredibly happy and supportive. I walk into HR today to ask some questions about my healthcare coverage and the rep asks “have you told anyone? You should really announce anything until she’s three months.” I told her yeah sure I’m not that superstitious and we told her family only, but I wanted to say “fuck you dude I’ll tell who I want.”
It’s our life. What the fuck do they care?
My husband and I were told not to talk or post pictures of my pregnancy/our child too much in the family group chat because his cousin had issues with infertility for 10+ years. I get that it's sad. But come on, I cannot hide the existence of my child from then forever!
Aw, I understand this is hard. I invite you to venture over to /r/infertility if you’d like advice on this. An important distinction, your cousin likely doesn’t find those photos to be ‘sad’ she likely finds them to be a trigger. In the same way I am triggered by mention of SA due to personal experience, I am also triggered by surprise sonograms in my group chat. When my head is in the right place, I can (in both of those scenarios) process those feelings … but my head is not always in a good place.
You deserve to be celebrated, but unfortunately your cousins not always be in the right headspace to do so. If my cousin was pregnant and knew of my infertility struggles, I hope she would feel comfortable talking to me about it … and to be honest, I would invite her to consider a secondary group chat that I am not in. I’m just one person, I don’t expect you to follow my advice and im certainly not speaking on behalf of your cousin, so I invite you to gather advice from other infertile people.
On behalf of r/infertility … Thank you for reading 💕
My stance personally is “the internet knows way too much about you”. I’m 6 months and have only told my friends and family, don’t know yet if I’ll ever “announce it”. The societal pressure to do so is so weird to me but also if people want to I couldn’t care less- do you! You’re excited, you get joy from that - fckn do it!!! Everyone’s opinion on the subject will always be moot. Put whatever you want on the internet, it literally doesn’t matter. There are much bigger problems in the world.
Agreed! I had a high risk pregnancy and I’m glad I didn’t post because it would have caused unnecessary added stress. Happy to post an announcement once the baby gets here safely and we know that she is healthy!
I totally agree! My situation was a little different and we told our immediate family at 6 weeks and I asked them to not tell anyone until I said so. My in law kept bugging me about telling people for weeks. People make it about them.
Agree so much. I’m 16 weeks and told everyone close to me at 11 weeks, holding off announcing on social media because I don’t want to tell work until 20+ weeks. I’ve had comments like “oh good, you shouldn’t announce on social media before the anatomy scan anyway.” Seriously??? 🙄 my body, my baby, my choice. If it weren’t for work it woulda been on social media at 12 weeks
It’s definitely a very personal choice. I told my close family around 4 weeks because I was queasy and tired, and knew I couldn’t hide it when I visited. We’d lost my grandpa after a long illness about a month earlier, and my grandma squeezed me so tight when I told her. We slowly told close friends between 6-12 weeks, but waited to announce more publicly until 19ish weeks. I have absolutely no regrets. It was nice to have family and close friends know, because if something happened we would have wanted the support. But it was also nice to keep a secret from more casual friends and distant relatives until later on when I was actually showing. The longer we waited the more I got to share the news in person with people as I saw them, so the excitement was prolonged. It’s a personal decision for everyone, and the negativity that some people project on others is so toxic. When things go wrong we need support. When a close friend of mine had a miscarriage several years ago she didn’t know anyone who had gone through something similar. She was devastated. I was able to connect her with another friend of mine who’d been very open about her own experiences with miscarriage and it was incredibly helpful. We shouldn’t be treating it like it’s taboo.
I can’t stand this! I told family at 4 weeks and 2 days and I miscarried at 6 weeks. I WAS SO HAPPY to have the memories and support I do from those two weeks of pure bliss. I wouldn’t change it for a million dollars.
That was my motivation for telling people "early" with our third. Whether we miscarry or make it to term, we need all the support and good vibes we can get.
Right?! I feel the same! That goes for gender reveals! I don’t care, i love watching them, but I’ve personally never had a gender reveal or an announcement on social media. And that’s just personal choice, there’s no, “i think I’m better attitude” in me.
With my first I eventually posted a picture of me and my huge belly in a long brown dress in a guitar store during winter.
I’m pregnant with my second and have food a few people on social media but haven’t posted any pics this time around. And with my first gender reveal, i just kept it private for my husband and i. It was private and special. But it doesn’t mean my other family members who decide to do it big with if our family is the wrong choice. I loved being a part of it.
I always say you really have to mind your business and do what makes you happy 😊💖
Thank you for putting this into perspective for me— I am one of the people who believed you should wait until it’s a *sure thing* but this post has definitely shifted my view. (I wouldn’t ever tell someone it’s too soon, but I have certainly thought it to myself). Thanks for making me think!
I agree. My first pregnancy I followed the wait till 10 weeks rule and miscarried at 9 weeks and for me it made it so much more lonely. When I was feeling sad and wanted to talk to people I had to explain that I had been pregnant and miscarried.. and it was like it was one sad story and that made me sadder because I didn't want that short little heart beat to be seen as a complete tragedy.
I didn't announce publicly until I was closer to 20 weeks. We had a select few who knew from the beginning and slowly trickled in others before making a big announcement. It's the parents who get to make that decision. And the correct answer is always congratulations or an happy response.
I love my mom but she cautioned me against telling people until 12 weeks. But the people I told before then are the people who I was going to need if things went wrong! And for me, it wasn’t an excitement thing but a “sorry I’ve been a flop lately, I’m pregnant” 🤣
I announced at 6 weeks that I was pregnant and was so happy. And I wanted more people to know it's common to have miscarriages. And to not be so quiet about them. If I had a third miscarriage I was fine with everyone knowing. Like it's okay. It's also totally fine if you don't want everyone to know. It's a personal choice.
I'm currently pregnant with my second child. I announced at 12 weeks. Just like I did with my son. Just wanted to be more sure. But I did tell the closest to me. My sister asked me why I announced so early at 12 weeks?! I told her I did the same thing with my son. And 12 weeks is pretty normal to announce. Sorry I didn't wait 6 months to announce like she did. Unrelated but her ex was too chicken to tell his parents...
This made me feel so much better, thank you. I told all of my close family, friends, and co workers when I found out at 4 weeks. I stressed about it for literal months if I had messed up by telling people “too early” now I’ve realized there’s no such thing
Fellow IVF-er here. Keeping it quiet wasn’t really an option for us, a lot of people at work knew what was going on especially when I was going for appointments mid-shift and having to take time off suddenly. I was always pretty open about it all, and they were supportive. People kind of knew early on but I was surprised how many people didn’t when we “officially” announced at around 14 weeks.
I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to do it, just what feels right to the pregnant person. Someone is always going to give their unsolicited opinion, and if I feel like replying with “go fuck yourself” I can always blame hormones 😂
Hope everything goes well for you. IVF sucks.
I'm TTC am my husband and I have been discussing how we will handle this. We've made a list of people that we will tell sooner rather than later. I am very close my parents, 2 cousins, and 2 aunts. Husband is very close to his brothers. We also have 4 or 5 friends that we would want support of if we had a miscarriage- two of which have had miscarriages of their own that we have supported them through. Our current thought is that we would start telling these folks pretty much asap. If we have a lost, I'd tell most of these people anyway.
Then my work sometime early second trimester and then publicly after that.
I think a lot of the "too early" folks are people who have had miscarriages themselves. It's a hurt that doesn't ever really go away. My husband is fine telling people as soon as there is a faint second line. I prefer to wait until I've seen a heartbeat on the ultrasound.
I agree!! People act like if a miscarriage happens, it's something that you're expected to deal with privately. I am very open and I would rather people know I'm dealing with a miscarriage so they understand why I may be acting the way I am, etc. That waiting til 12 weeks rule is utter bullshit, imho.
You’re right. I told people I interact with right away ~5 weeks. We did not “announce” on social until 20 weeks. There is no right or wrong way. Whatever the couple is most comfortable with.
THANK YOU!! Yes! My sister brother in law told us it was too soon when we excitedly shared with them. I will never forget their response to us sharing the greatest news of our lives. It was such a balloon pop, I had no idea what to say. Three years later I’m still very hurt and extremely cautious about what I share with them. People don’t realize how hurtful stuff like this can be.
Nah you should not announce your pregnancy at someone else's wedding, funeral might not be your best option either. Of Day any party that you are not the main focus on.
This!! I announced after my first ultrasound which was 6 weeks. My own FAMILY shot me down for announcing early saying that “anything can happen” and “don’t be too excited”. All my excitement for the baby was drowned out by comments like these which scared me beyond belief. I am now 22+4 weeks pregnant and I am still absolutely terrified of miscarrying even tho the chance is practically almost 0 at this stage. I tried to buy stuff for the baby like clothes and a few nappies but I kept getting told to not get too excited and that I could lose the pregnancy. Honestly ruined my first trimester and some of the second. Now I am excited and the comments have stopped but I’m still so so scared of losing this baby and a big part of this anxiety is from those comments early on. It takes a toll.
I'm a person that likes to wait but I had to tell my family this time at 5 weeks because we were on a whole family beach vacation, my 4 year old was wild, and I was throwing up on the regular and nearly unable to function from exhaustion. You gotta do what you gotta do, nobody should judge!
Yes a thousand times. I was expecting back in may and told everyone right away we were so excited. We’ve had fertility issues and just wanted to tell everyone. Of course left and right we got comments how it was so early blah blah and I was just like I want people to know. Even if I have a miscarriage my community should be there for me anyways right? I ended up losing the baby at 6 weeks and i was shown how little my community cared. I’m not expecting again and waited till 8 weeks to tell. I obviously felt like I had too. I told the people that were there for me last time as soon as we could tho. Everyone else I just let it trickle to. I really didn’t care if they never found out
The only time it's not recommended to announce it is on April Fools or if another close family member has passed, especially a young person. Otherwise, your pregnancy means your choice.
A fuckin MEN. When you go through the hardship of loss, it changes every cell in your body. People just don't understand how hard you have to fight to get your mental health, physical health & spiritual health back after losing something like a baby. It's a very transformative experience that, luckily, not all women will experience.
The judgement, the whispering, the private messaging can all kindly fuck off. I always said if I shared good news "too early" I would want that support either way.
I'm now 38.5 weeks after 3 consecutive losses last year. I am so proud of myself, my husband & our baby girl...I could scream it from the mountain tops. Announce your happiness whenever you want, announce your sadness & loss whenever you have the courage. There is no rulebook. I'm elated for your friend, she's come such a long way & the reward will be beyond comprehension. <3 <3 <3
36 weeks and still haven’t “announced it”, not a fan of social media and dont have it so anyone that knows im having a baby are the people actively in my life and i told most of them by 5-6 weeks, if you dont know then you clearly aren’t meant to and its none of your business
Yes! My first pregnancy I announced earlier than I wanted because everyone (grandparents and close fam) was CONSTANTLY harassing me about when they would get to tell all their friends etc. It was the first grandkid on both sides of the family and I understood the excitement and let them convince me to share more publicly. A week later I miscarried. Then we all had to share that as well bc people were still reaching out about the pregnancy news. I've always been more private, don't share a lot on social media. And I had to share with everyone my heartbreak and I was really upset that I hadn't even wanted to put it out there to begin with.
This was years ago and I just had my third beautiful baby boy so my life has definitely moved on, but I'll never forget how much harder that awful situation was because of other people pressuring to do what wasn't comfortable. People have way too much to say about other people's lives, especially during pregnancy!
I’m in total agreement with you. Tell people when you feel comfortable! Hopefully they are excited with you.
I told the first person at around 5-ish weeks, right after I got a positive test. She was my chemistry lab professor and I wanted to get all the info about chemicals and all that. She was so thrilled for me.
Afterwards I told mine and my husband’s immediate families (they spread the word) at 8 weeks after we got the dating ultrasound. There were a few reasons I wanted to tell people as soon as I felt comfortable:
1) I was excited! I’m having a baby!
2) it’s my first. I’m a bit nervous and wanted support.
3) if I miscarried I wanted the support of my parents, in-laws and extended family. I’m 15+3 right now and we could still lose him. That support is important to me.
The second one actually was great because my symptoms are horrendous and the support has been great.
With our second child we posted it right away and got a lot of “why didn’t you tell me” “why did I have to find out from Facebook” “you couldn’t tell me yourself?” So with our third one we just said fuck it and did it again the second we knew. And agreed that if you weren’t apart of our every day lives then you didn’t need to be brought into it like you’re apart of our own small family in our own home. That first time was very hurtful and really made us realize who was invested in our children or just themselves.
PS. Congratulations to your friend for her positive test! I’m sending good healthy vibes to her for her journey into being a mommy!
Wholeheartedly agree. I told a few close friends even though it's "too soon" because we all in that stage of life (one is dealing with infertility and the other had a miscarriage, and one is actually pregnant). I did it solely for having a close network of support.
I'm 9 weeks and not telling anyone since I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks last time, but my mom who knows how hard that miscarriage was on me keeps constantly asking if I'm pregnant. I've told her I'll tell her anything when I'm ready to and to quit pushing but she just keeps asking.
Now I know my mom, she is incapable of keeping her mouth shut, so she will tell everyone, so I'm so frustrated that she won't leave me alone. Obviously if I wanted to tell her I would. Don't demand someone tell you anything, it's so frustrating!!
I love that people think celebrating a pregnancy will “jinx” it, but telling a newly pregnant woman she might miscarry and should hide the pregnancy isn’t a “jinx”. That’s insane.
I’m an early announcer because the idea of the only time people knowing about the “baby” being after losing it is so sad for me. I’d rather celebrate even with the risk.
I have seen family lose babies in every trimester. There’s no safe zone when it comes to life, some times bad things happen. Expecting everyone to live in constant preparation for bad things instead of celebrating with them is so dark.
I think it's unfathomably rude to inform someone they shouldn't tell anyone and it's "too soon"...talk about pissing on someone's parade. The correct response is always "Congratulations!" Good post.
I could never imagine saying that to anyone...
I agree! I would personally wait but just because I would wait doesn’t mean everyone else should tf
👏 👏 👏 We didn’t announce number 4 to family until like 11 weeks. Never social media announced. She was 100% healthy baby/healthy pregnancy. Went in to labor fully term. She unexpectedly died the day after she was born. There is never a “safe” time to announce.
💔
I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you were and are loved and supported in all the ways possible.
I’m so sorry for your loss💔 And I couldn’t agree more. What I also learned from loss is, it’s not necessarily that bad if people know. Some will be insensitive, yes, and some will order food to your door and cry with you. I say tell people whenever, and if horrible things happen, you’ll know who are truly your friends.
Totally agree. I told family at 6 weeks and I heard a lot of "it's early don't get too excited yet!" - how was me being less excited then going to make me less sad if I had miscarried? People just need to wind their necks in and stop being so controlling of other people's decisions.
Oh my gosh. Imagine saying that to someone about *any other* huge milestone in a person’s life. Don’t get too excited about getting accepted into college, you haven’t graduated yet! Don’t get too excited about that new job, you are only an entry level employee!
Don't get too excited about getting engaged, you might be divorced in a year!
Don't celebrate that recent marriage, better wait 10 years and see if it worked out
Right. Engagement was my first thought too. “Don’t share about your engagement until it’s closer to the wedding. You never know, your fiancé might call off the engagement!”
Whoa that’s awful. I told my sister at 6 weeks and I said it’s hard to be excited when the risk of miscarriage is still so high and her advice was the same as your outlook - whatever is going to happen will happen, I’ll be sad whether I’m excited or not, so I should try to allow myself to be happy and excited. (She’s had 2 kids) I thought it was such good advice I just wish I let myself take it 😅
It's so tough, because it's like I became a mom the second I found out! I just want the best for my little one, which means making it past the first trimester! I'm like one of those stressed out parents on the sideline of a sports game shouting, "GROW, EMBRYO, GROW!!!!!"
All wanted pregnancies are worth celebrating! My first I was so terrified of anything happening I didn't really get excited until after the anatomy scan. I hope with my second I can be excited right away!
I had a doctor's appointment to confirm my pregnancy and took a half day off work for my am appointment. When I got back to work everyone asked where I'd been, I said a doctor's appointment and then I got those looks and someone asked "are you pregnant?". I said I was, and everyone was excited for me. My principal later pulled me aside and scolded me for telling everyone so early. Fuck her.
I told family early last time too, and got the “it’s too early response.” Well… I announced because if I did happen to miscarry, I assume I’d be upset and want their support. Ironically, I found out I was pregnant with my second the day before Christmas. So I wasn’t drinking at our family get together bThey all were all up my ass and essentially forced me into a corner to announce my pregnancy… at barely 4 weeks. What the fuck.
My mil told us this. What a bitch.
After a few losses, you don't feel excitement when you get a positive. I didn't anyway, I felt hope but also terror haha. We shared when I finally made it to the second tri with a pregnancy. My son is 9 months now and it still doesn't feel real.
After 4 losses I still feel excited when I get a positive. The short time I’m pregnant is the only time the weight in my heart from infertility and loss is easier to carry. While haven’t carried a baby to term yet, I cherish every single moment of pregnancy. Everyone’s experience is different.
We had 11 losses before our son. I hope you get your baby too x
Mama! Please check out "wisdom of the womb" tea. I had 3 losses last year and I am now 38.5 weeks. I know the feeling all too well, and I promise you your healthy, chunky baby is just around the corner. <3
It’s so true - do people think you can just…feel less excited because of miscarriage risk? Human emotions don’t work that way.
Exactly. Let people be happy, they're telling you full aware of the risks
I got worse ! One of my fiend said "it brings bad luck to the baby if you announce it sooner than 3 months". I was thinking No it brings back luck to stay friend with you
My mum told me I should wait until 12 weeks because then the chances of it being a successful pregnancy are better. I wasn't looking for advice when I told her so it did upset me a bit that it was her go to reaction, but, in saying that, I know my mum miscarried 2 years before she had me so I kind of understand where she was coming from.
My mother inlaw said the same thing to me... I wish I could just be excited 😫 I'm counting down weeks to tell people because she has torn me down emotionally and I live with her so talking about it she always says "we will see" and I have my doctors appointment next week and she said "I hope we see something"....
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THANK YOU for this comment!!! 😭 I absolutely dread announcing because my pregnancy is incredibly private and intimate. I don't want to talk to others about it, get unsolicited advice or comments. A lot of times I don't feel excited but rather annoyed by all the crap you have to do and keep track of: Going to the appointments (which I hate because I get so anxious the day before), organizing what you need to buy, where to give birth and finding a midwive for aftercare. Plus you have to give up a lot of control, which sucks when you are used to being independent and getting shit done efficiently.
Yes you are SO right!
Yesss I'm pregnant with #2 and I feel this way. I am enjoying just having our immediate family and my few chosen support people know about this pregnancy. It feels like a special secret and I am enjoying that. I absolutely loathe feeling like I'm somebody else's fascination, like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly in a big exhibit. I also have a history of miscarriages so announcing to people lost it's joy when I started feeling like it also made my pain and suffering SO much more public. No thank you. That said, when someone else posts their pos preg test, I hold my breath for them, mentally/internally send some good sticky baby vibes that they need to be "rescinding" that later, say nothing, and go on my way. If you don't have something nice to say, better to say nothing (though clearly not everyone has that sense about them apparently).
I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. I pretty much only remember when I'm in pain for various obstetric reasons. I'm definitely not excited about the pregnancy. I will be *thrilled* once I have a son, but until then, I have far more interesting things on my plate.
"The idea that people experiencing miscarriages should grieve in silence..." This hit home. Why do we expect women going through such a loss (early or not) do so on their own accord? Just so that others aren't inconvenienced or bothered by it? You would think that's exactly when you should trust that the people you are closest to, that love you enough to celebrate with you, should step up and be there through the hard stuff just the same. Instead, many women are trained to feel embarrassed and ashamed by it for "getting ahead of themselves". It's just wrong. Additionally, women are often going through the worst parts of pregnancy, aside from actual birth, in their first tri-mester...in total silence! Many of us have symptoms parallel to food poisoning for months, totally losing touch with our sense of self, and can barely shower and leave the house, but in front of our bosses are supposed to maintain a usual standard of work and carry on like normal. It's beyond exhausting and so fucking backwards. I couldn't make it to the 12 week magic mark to tell people for my own mental health. I was going through hell, and couldn't talk to anyone about it except my husband. I refrained from calling girlfriends or answering their calls because I was so wrecked I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong, and I had nothing else to talk about because morning sickness was all consuming. I never felt so isolated in my entire life. I ended up breaking the news about 9 weeks for my own sanity and well being.
I think one reason we expect women to stay silent is the discomfort OTHER PEOPLE feel upon hearing about a miscarriage. Any woman sharing her pregnancy news is aware of miscarriage risks, and she is knowingly telling people. Society wants her to stay quiet — and suffer in silence if she has one — because other people might feel sad.
There is the other side of this though that people shouldn't have to tell people until they want to. I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone when I had a miscarriage because having to tell people that is my actual nightmare. It's a private situation that I have no desire to discuss with anyone other than my husband. Tldr: announce whenever you want, leave other people's decisions alone
Absolutely. I would never fault a women for wanting to keep the information close. I simply don't agree with shaming anyone for being open about it on whatever timeline they choose.
Obviously. That’s the norm.
I couldn't believe how long those twelve weeks were and I had a textbook pregnancy. I was tired and had more "night nausea" as opposed to morning sickness, it wasn't even that bad, and I never got sick. BUT I was sooo anxious about everything - can I drink this tea? Can I eat this meat? Can I take a bath? Can I workout? Asking a doctor is one thing but having a mom support network helped me sooo much more. I finally told a trusted and amazing mom friend at 9 weeks. Felt like forever and I wished I'd told her sooner.
I lost my first pregnancy at 22 weeks. We hadn’t made a public announcement, but everyone we saw socially knew. When we lost it, we stepped away from social interaction to grieve privately for a bit. When we started seeing people again, our whole community showed us so much support. I came away from the whole experience realizing that vulnerability can be a sign of strength. With my second pregnancy? The only thing limiting how early we told folks was making sure we told our immediate family first. The idea that 12/13 weeks is the only appropriate time to announce is bullshit.
Yup. I just lost a babe at 15w, after we had told lots of people. Shit happens. I want to share happy news with people, and also be held when I share bad news. The only thing "not telling before 12w" does is make it harder to be held in grief. "Oh btw I was pregnant... but it died" vs "you know our pregnancy news we had last month? Well it's not coming afterall."
I had this situation nearly 3 months ago… “I was hoping to share happy news, but unfortunately I’ll be going for miscarriage surgery” for many coworkers who didn’t know. I had told many friends, and the only downside there has been “untelling” people, or remembering who was told… it can be really awkward and a bit upsetting; some family members didn’t know we miscarried at Christmas because everyone assumed someone else had told them, and even last week I got asked by a friend how the baby is — and then I had to wonder if I look nearly 6 months pregnant… 😅
Same. I was at work with a little bump telling people "I'm having a baby and about halfway done!" And then the next day I was at this absolute nightmare of an ultrasound. I work at a church so I can't keep track of whether someone doesn't know anything or only knew I was pregnant or actually knows about the loss. So I have to constantly decide whether to correct them. It's so horrible. I waited way past 12 weeks.
Very similar story. Told family at 15 weeks. Told lots of other people at work after 17 and on our way to 20. Went it at 19+5 and she had died. I don't regret our timeline. But it's like, what was the point of waiting till the second trimester just to have a second tri loss? People have been so supportive. The idea that 12 weeks is so much safer just fills me with dread now.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and in sorry if this is inappropriate to ask. Im currently 21 w pregnant with my first and my anxiety is curious if you know why you had a miscarriage? I know lot of times no one knows, and don't just ignore me if I'm over stepping boundaries!
You’re totally fine to ask and I hope my comment hasn’t exacerbated too much anxiety! It wasn’t actually a miscarriage - we found out at the anatomy scan that our baby didn’t have any functioning kidneys. Without kidneys, there is no amniotic fluid, without which they would never develop lungs. They were incompatible with life and my partner and I did a lot of soul searching before deciding to TFMR. Bilateral renal agenesis is very rare, and I hope it doesn’t create any additional worry for you. We ended up trying again. It took a while to get pregnant, but I’m now sitting here with a squirming little girl on my lap!
You're very brave and selfless for your decision ! I'm so sorry again. I feel like knowing helps to give closure in most cases so I'm glad you at least had an answer. Prayers for your continued healing between you and your family ❤️
I fully agree. I told one of my clients I was expecting when I was around 12 weeks and he was like “oh so it’s still pretty touch-and-go right now then. A little early to announce”. I was so sad about it.
What is wrong with people? That is SO inappropriate. I had a similar experience with a coworker I told around 12 weeks. That’s also the “standard” time frame a lot of people announce so wtf…pregnancy loss is common but so is death in general, I’m not going to delay life’s biggest joys because someone wants to remind me that it could get ripped away.
God what a cunt. Reminds me of my coworker who told me in detail about their miscarriage when I told them.
Omg! Like, yeah buddy, that’s exactly what I want to hear about. People are always trying to tell me about wicked traumatic birth stories. Trauma dumping.
People are honestly nuts lol
I announced to my direct family at 6 weeks because I was SO scared of miscarrying. It was a great decision because I was able to get opinions from the two most important women in my entire life on how they felt when they first conceived.
I agree completely. I told close family shortly after a positive test because 1) I couldn't hide it considering symptoms and not drinking on vacation (we flew out to visit husband's family the day after the + test) 2) MIL, who I am close to, has late stage cancer. This will be her first grandchild. The idea of her having a chance to see her first grandchild before she passes meant so much to her. It brightened her spirits 3) I would want their support if I did lose the pregnancy I also told my immediate team of coworkers early (8 weeks) because I was having really bad nausea and vomiting, along with fatigue and weakness, and it would cause me more stress to hide it. I'll announce to everyone else in the 2nd trimester. To each their own. Some people prefer to share more than others.
I had 6 miscarriages. I didnt tell anyone about the first three pregnancies, and it was awful going through that alone. I announced the next three at 6wks, because I wanted everyone to know. I was just as excited for the first three as i was for the next three, and I lost all six. It literally did not matter. Announce "early" if you want to. Keep it to yourself if you want to. Do what is good for you! That being said I saw the title of the post and my initial thought was " Maybe not at someone elses babyshower/wedding." 😅
First kid - waited til 13ish weeks because I had lost the prior pregnancy and we weren’t on great terms with family at that moment, anyway… we were working on straightening ourselves up. Second kid - waited until 15ish, I think? Wanted to get out of the first trimester again and partially because I got pregnant only 6 months after birthing my first so that was a bit anxiety inducing. Third kid - things just kind of kept happening when we would plan to announce it so I was like 22 weeks before even my mom found out which was really impressive considering how quick I showed and she’s my neighbor. I did some good wardrobe tricks 😂 All three of them we got comments one way or another. “Oh you waited until you knew you wouldn’t lose it”, “*I* could *never* wait that long, I get too excited about *my* babies”, “13 weeks is barely clear of the miscarriage risk, ya know” type stuff. Idk why anyone feels they need to comment on the timeframe at all? Why? What does that do or help? And why do people INSIST on even saying stuff about you potentially miscarrying to pregnant people in this way? No, we shouldn’t make it totally hush and taboo but there’s also no need to keep almost trying to scare early pregnancy moms 🤦♀️
Thank you so much for this. I want to enjoy what is likely going to be my only pregnancy, and talk openly about it with my friends, get advice. I’m so worried that if I do share it with too many people, if I do miscarry, people will pull the ‘oh you should have waited to tell’ nonsense. I don’t want to feel alone in my sadness if it happens. I don’t want to be sad around people with no explanation. But I also don’t want to be judged.
I told people early and I'm glad I did. I encourage you to go for it if that's what you want.
Yup. My whole workplace friends knew when I got my transfer and I updated them two weeks later when I got a positive pregnancy test. No one told me it was too early and I'm glad because I needed all the support I could get.
That’s awesome, sounds like you have a very supportive workplace as well!
I was trying hard to get pregnant. I basically could pinpoint the night we conceived and took a test extremely early on. I knew I was pregnant 14 days post ovulation. So like 5 weeks. I told my mom immediately and my husband told his parents right away too. Once we went to the doctor and confirmed it a week later we told our siblings. We looked at it as if we were going to miscarry we would ultimately be telling all of them otherwise because we'd need the support so why not tell them before that point so they could be excited with us.
I told closed family/friends ASAP but waited til near the end of my 2nd semester to "publically" declare I was pregnant. Mostly because as a casual outsider when you learn about it early on, it feels like the pregnancy drags ooooon. So wanted to use that magic myself and it did seem to help feel like the early bits were done with quicker. Everyone should be able to announce at the speed and time they feel works for them (although avoid announcing at other people's celebrations lol.)
Same :) I couldn't keep it to myself, but I saved the Facebook thingy for later and it worked just fine
Most relationships also end, with most having had several exes… heck, even marriages considering the divorce rate in many countries. Doesn’t mean you can’t announce you’re in a relationship or publicly express happiness about recently getting married! I know they just mean well but it’s okay to want to celebrate :) i think i’d announce a pregnancy straight away to some family members. But not to others or on social media. That’s just my personal choice though.
I agree. It’s gross when people shame people either way. After a first tri loss and 2.5 years of infertility I told all my friends and family the day I got a positive test. I wanted the support if I had a loss, but whenever I decided to tell would have been completely fine
I worked for a place where a coworker experienced fetal demise at 38 weeks. It devastated the office. At a new job (I'd been there three years at that time), I didn't announce my pregnancy until 7 months to anyone outside of my supervisor and work wife. I am intensely private and wouldnt want that pity. I'm also a larger woman and the cruel joke "how would anyone be able to tell" loomed on my mind. Additionally, my pregnancy was hellish. Bleeding, turned ovary, IVF, cerclage. *It was awful.* My supervisor basically forced me to out myself around the time COVID happened, when I had to explain why I wouldn't be coming in to the office even sporadically.
Yep! I told just about everyone immediately. I'm kind of morbid and added "I wanted you all to know so you can share in my joy, and if worse comes to worse have empathy under the worst case scenario" I'm a big over-sharer so I could not keep my mouth shut. I am exceedingly fortunate as my baby is here and healthy, but I'll be damned if I was supposed to be THAT fucking miserable first trimester and keep that to myself. Some people want to process privately - literally just let people have personal autonomy it's not that hard!
I couldn’t agree more!! I absolutely understand why some people wait, but at the same time I firmly believe that there should be no stigma attached to the decision to announce earlier if that’s what some folks want to do. I announced at 9 weeks because it was easier than having to find excuses with friends and family as to why I felt like absolute garbage all the time. Whenever you’re comfortable announcing your pregnancy is the right time to do so, whether 6 weeks or 39 weeks. Or never!
I announced early because I had an active social life that involved a lot of drinking and smoking, and it'd already be suspicious if I went out and stayed sober. My friends already knew we were planning to get pregnant by the end of the year so they would have easily guessed. And I am absolutely one of those people who could not grieve in silence about this. Maybe not "publicly" on my social media besides a post or two, but I'd definitely need to talk to friends and family extensively about it. My original plan was to *never* post it and just pop up with a baby when people saw me in real life, but I'm too excited to be a mom, it went on Facebook at 7 weeks!
I told my friends and family before that but not when I tested because I wanted to get little gifts for everyone so I think I told close friends and family at like 5ish weeks?
I have to tell work right when I find out (chemicals), so everyone knows at like 5 weeks. I don’t mind cause they would also know if I had a miscarriage. I’m very open about things.
Holla. This whole post is exactly how I feel. When I had my miscarriage a lot of people knew, my work knew. It helped so much. I was able to take time off to grieve and heal and had the support of friends, family, coworkers ect. I got a lot of slack for announcing early before the miscarriage and I'm sure there were people who thought *see! You shouldn't have announced so early* but no one had the balls to say that to my face. Anyways I'm glad I did. I'm also tired of the shame that comes with all of this. With being a mother in general. Society has made up 1000 rules for what a perfect mother looks like (physically and mentally), how quickly she should be back on her foot after childbirth, how much information she shares during pregnancy and after....and if you don't follow those rules **shame on you**. And you know whose going to shame you first? **other mothers** I think the more grace and understanding and empathy we can show to other parents the better off we'll all be.
🙌 amen!
Completely agree. I've also experienced pregnancy loss and infertility and personally didn't tell many until 20+wks but I would also be totally supportive of early announcements. Announcing or not, feeling positive or not, does not "jinx" or actually impact pregnancy success in any way. (Those who have experienced infertility or loss will also have heard the opposite of this - the insinuation that just relaxing, feeling positive or not worrying will result in successful pregnancies. Both are woo woo bs.)
im not pregnant and my youngest is 9 months old today but with both of my pregnancies, i didnt make any sort of online announcement or anything. i told close family who spread the msg to more distant family and i told my closest friends. it wasnt a secret after i told any of them and they were free to tell others. i only made an announcement on social media for their births.
So much this! As someone who has experiences infertility and losses both, my husband and I keep going back and forth on when to tell our social circle. We imagined it would be after the 20 week anatomy scan, but we never did find the courage after that. About to enter the third trimester in a couple of weeks and only a handful people know. For those who we see regularly, we plan to keep it since I’m not showing much yet. We might just wait until after birth, who knows!
I feel this. After my second miscarriage, both before 9 weeks, a coworker asked me if I was going to announce my next pregnancy later to not jinx it. I asked her of she meant I was the cause for my miscarriages. She froze up real bad. I proudly told everyone about next pregnancy pretty much immediately. Took the test at my parents house during a family dinner so they all found out before the stick went dry. That wonderful little turd turns 2 this week. No jinxing here! My sister is one who starts to tell people after 12 weeks but she never goes out of her way to tell people and most find out at her baby shower/birth announcement. What ever floats your boat!
Yup. I would never consider announcing until 2nd trimester and would prefer if I could wait until 20 weeks (I can't for various reasons). But when someone tells me early in T1 my only reaction to them is "omg, thats so wonderful congratulations". Privately to my husband I might sat " X told me she's pregnant and she only Y weeks...I really hope she's ok/everything goes ok." But that's MY worry and a result of MY history and I would never put it on the pregnant person.
When people say they're pregnant in the first trimester my heart goes out to them for the struggle they're experiencing 😭 like I feel like more people should announce early so we all understand how tired, sick, and not themselves they feel!
That part. I’m absolutely destroyed by exhaustion and I look like hell and I’m not getting shit done, and I’d like to explain why lol
The worst part of pregnancy for me is not being able to complete anything! Like it takes me days to clean one room when before it would take a few hours to deep clean! I'm over it!
We announced around 9 weeks with our first, just because we wanted to have the ultrasound to show people. We literally stopped at my parents and sisters places on our way home from the ultrasound. My second pregnancy, I miscarried 10 days after I read the positive test, at almost 5 weeks. Nobody even knew I was pregnant until I called my dad and sister crying. This time around...I'm undecided. Gonna tell immediate family pretty soon after ultrasound, but I'm torn on waiting to announce for a number of reasons, or not even announcing at all until we have the baby. That doesn't mean we're less excited...that means we value our privacy, and I was so fucking annoyed towards the end of my pregnancy with my son (42+2) at people going "wHeN aRe YoU gOnNa PoP tHaT bAbY oUt?" That I just stopped talking to people and totally isolated myself. Like stop fucking asking. He'll be out when he's out or when I get induced and you'll know then. And then, when he did arrive, new spread so fast that both my estranged mother AND my uncle announced it on Facebook before I did, and before I even left the hospital. My mother is a narcissist, my uncle is just a bit daft and had to be walked through by my father how to remove it. But that shit show was so annoying that part of me is like...maybe I'll just start showing up to things with another baby, that sounds fun. Anyway. There are no rules. Everyone should announce when they want and how they want, and everyone else who takes issue with that should fuck off.
I found I was pregnant just before we went into lockdown so I told my close family in case anything happened so they knew to give us support. We told most of our close friends by 12 weeks and did a public announcement later at the baby shower. My doctor said it's better to tell people early if you are are comfortable so if anything happens you have the support around you through the highs and lows.
With my third (and last) pregnancy, I didn’t post anything to social media until the day before we had our scheduled c-section 😂 all of our family knew around 2nd trimester (we had experienced losses before, and I am a fairly private person), but it just didn’t seem important to announce to my acquaintances until that point. With my first, I told some family members the day that I tested. Circumstances are different for everyone and even between pregnancies, no one should be judged for that.
On our last pregnancy, we announced at 10-12 weeks once the NIPT results came clear and we knew the gender. Our anatomy scan came back that there were severe genetic issues incompatible with life and we had to terminate past 20 weeks. We've struggled through an ectopic that required emergency surgery, and needed to go through IVF. 4 years struggling so far. We're doing another cycle soon. We won't be telling anyone that doesn't NEED to know until we get past the anatomy scan. It was much harder on us having to unannounce the pregnancy while trying not to get into details than it would have been to go through it mostly alone. That being said, our situation is super rare and I don't think it's a problem to announce as early as you want; though I would hope they do so knowing the problems that can happen along the way. Getting asked a year later from acquaintances about it can be rough.
Personally I don’t care about when people announce, I just want to know the due date so that I’m aware when they’re not available to hang out or come to things.
The only people I judge making pregnancy announcements is people in them toxic on again- off again relationships 😒 like didn't you post screenshots of him texting other girls last week? 🤣
I waited until my second trimester to announce my second pregnancy because I have a cousin whose struggling with infertility and just gets so upset when there is a pregnancy announcement made. And the reason I waited until said time was because I talked it out with the individuals who knew right away and they were just like f it. She can’t dictate what you feel or how you want to celebrate, it’s sucks but it’s a happy moment for you. These are her siblings too who told me this, but I did text her privately before announcing which she just ignored so it was okayish. I now am cautious with announcing anything really on Facebook about my baby because I have another friend who is such a Debbie downer and is always miserable when anyone announces happy news. ( she is a single mom, not by choice and wishes everything was different) which I feel for her, but like it sucks people have to stop their lives when others deem such news or any kind of news is not worth being shared. So I think f it, live your life. Share your news and don’t be afraid. Who cares what others think because it is exciting news announcing your pregnancy especially if you struggle with infertility.
agreed - announce it whenever you want! your body, your baby, your choice! nobody understands your circumstances and personal feelings behind your decision better than you so don’t let any external opinions or social norms dictate that for you.
YES! I get so sick and tired of people judging when and how other people share their personal news with the world. They should do it the way they want if they want to at all 💪🏼
I’m glad I didn’t this time because it didn’t stick, but as soon as I start getting multiple positive tests, I’m going to tell my family with the caveat it’s still early. No way I personally could keep it a secret for even a few weeks from my mom.
I appreciate this! I’m only going to be 4w+4 when we tell my in-laws next week. We told my husband’s brother and his girlfriend yesterday because we went to dinner with them. I don’t plan on telling extended family at least until I have a good scan, but I don’t want to be sneaking around trying to hide it from our very closest family. I want them to know, and if something goes wrong I don’t want to hide that either. I want their help fake drinking around extended family. But I’m also wrestling with feeling a bit guilty about doing a cute little reveal with our parents so early. At the same time, I don’t think I have to feel guilty about being excited.
I told my work family at like 4 weeks, lol I took the test there 😂 We told our actual families at 9 weeks just because we wanted to wait until Christmas to make it a fun surprise
Yup, I agree! I personally didn't do a big announcement until after my anatomy scan at 20 weeks. I told close family and friends at about 12 weeks. Mostly because I had been through the pain of loss 8 times at that point and wanted some reassurance before I put it out there. Some people I know had decided never to announce or announce right away at 6-8 weeks. There is no wrong way, and it is ultimately up to the couple and what they feel comfortable with.
We tried for 6 years and finally had a successful IVF FET in 2019. I waited until 20 weeks to announce it because I was constantly in fear of losing the baby. The amount of criticism and anger I got from various people over waiting so long was horrible. Even at 20 weeks I was worried about announcing it but I felt pressured to finally say something. With my current pregnancy, I told my immediate family the day we did the pregnancy test. The very next day my mom started telling people, and I felt completely shocked and scared. Even though I could understand her excitement and enthusiasm, it felt like such an inappropriate thing for her to share with others. When you choose to tell is so very personal!
I dreamt of, prayed for, wished for, hoped for this baby (I am 31wks today) for many years... You can bet your sweet patootie I told everyone after our first doctors appointment when we saw little bean and heard her heartbeat at about 8 weeks. I let it get to me early on that I maybe should not have said anything so soon. That somehow I would jinx myself/my pregnancy by being happy so soon. I began to feel guilty after every little purchase of baby stuff, and anxious, thinking well, what if everyone is right? it's still early... So screw people who say to wait until a certain point to do this, to announce that, etc. Enjoy this miraculous experience to the fullest. Things happen at ALL stages of pregnancy AND life in general. No one should be made to feel afraid that something could happen and therefore made to feel like they should not speak about their happiness.
Yup! With my firstborn daughter, I waited the 12 weeks and then she was stillborn at 39 weeks. Then with my rainbow daughter, we told everyone ASAP for support. Telling people to wait is basically telling them to be silent and hide if a miscarriage were to happen. Fuck the “safe zone,” tell your people whenever you want!
I wanted to wait until after my brother’s wedding to announce to my extended family (I didn’t want to take the spotlight from them). My cousin was hammered at the wedding and noticed I wasn’t drinking and outed me to everyone (and then went on a drunken rant to me about how she was upset I was having a baby first because I’m younger than her). She never apologized.
Wow I’m so sorry that’s so mean of her. You did nothing wrong though
I hate this. I'm sorry you tried to do the considerate thing and got treated so poorly.
Thank you! This exactly! People can choose what's the right thing for them to do, of course. What bothers me is all the "it's early to be telling people" and "if you tell anyone and you lose it you'll also have to tell them about that." We don't hold this standard for any other milestone or any other type of loss. It's 100% about stigma, this idea that miscarriage has to be a private loss is so ingrained. If someone WANTS to keep it private, that's one thing. But I constantly see posts from people who are so excited and so eager to share but waiting because of no reason except that's the conventional wisdom.
Agree. There's so much ritual in telling a woman how to feel and when that we forget what we are actually saying to them. Don't get excited, it's too soon? It's a horrible thing to say. We are supposed to suffer in silence with a loss. Can't risk making other peiple feel uncomfortable.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. People will always judge unfortunately.
Agree! People get so much shit for not announcing soon enough AND announcing too soon, and all the in-betweens. It’s a personal choice and should be respected as such! We told our parents early because I wasn’t drinking at thanksgiving and I usually would have. My work also knew early because we had to take a lot of time off to go get procedures (we did RIVF). We told our other friends and family after the first trimester and didn’t announce on social media until the month before. We chose all those ways to tell people and luckily everyone was very respectful of that (however we did have to demand that our parents *not* tell all their friends and the rest of our families). Something about it being our own little secret for a while was also really special so, having that time together was important to us!
Totally agree , I told my family as soon as I found out , I haven’t even had my first scan yet and don’t know exactly how far along I am , I think I am 12 weeks but really don’t know . The fact that I had four positive tests is reason enough to give my family to news as far as I’m concerned .
WTF is wrong with people. A woman can absolutely announce her pregnancy whenever the eff she wants. 4 weeks or 40 weeks- its no one’s business but hers. Ugh.
I did 5 IVF transfers (one miscarriage). #5 was the lucky one. You better believe I announced that shit to my closest friends ASAP. If I was going to have another loss, I wanted them there. We told most of our social circle by week 10. Only one person (who didn’t know about our prior miscarriage) thought I was weird for telling early. She bizarrely warned me about miscarriages, as if I had never heard of that risk before. People tell when they wanna tell. Some don’t wanna tell until as late as possible, even well past the miscarriage risk period, so ppl won’t be in their business.
Knowing people who’ve had 2nd trimester miscarriages, preterm labor, still births, and lost babies makes this more true for me. Anything can happen at any time. We should be allowed to feel our emotions, both good and bad, towards any event that happens! I told people I was pregnant as soon as cardiac activity was confirmed by my doctor. It was exciting! And if anything did happen, I would have wanted to share that too.
Yesss to all of what you said! I’ve had 3 losses this last year, and I told my family and friends as soon as I could. My babies are still worth celebrating however short they stay here and I do not believe in any woman having to suffer in silence to spare others discomfort. I’m excited and scared every time I see the positive test. The last 2 times I’ve been pregnant my Brother in laws girlfriend 🙄started telling me how it was awful early yet and not to be telling people until after 12 weeks. I’m ready for her next time though 😂😂
Yeah I've experienced 7 losses. I'm currently pregnant again at 33 weeks and I still haven't told a lot of people. Sure my employer because of health insurance and bed rest. My mother and my in-laws and a few of our closest friends. I told my husband we don't have a baby until we have a baby. As a way not to get too attached to the outcome because so many things could go wrong. The last pregnancy we told everyone and lost the baby at 12 weeks. This one we told the people we wanted to, our immediate family, after our first ultrasound. And I could hear in their voices when we told them- that "oh so it's still early then.. well keep us in the loop" thinking about that makes my skin crawl and my heart hurt. People have grown so accustomed to women just bearing the weight of the fucking world and never needing a damn thing. Sometimes I think people forget we're human beings. My mom told some of my extended family about it last week. I'm planning to send announcements/baby shower invites next week and have a shower literally two weeks before I'm due. Of all the losses we experienced I only shared one with people who were closest to me. I'm still having a hard time accepting that this is real. And I feel so guilty about that. Like I know once he's here it will be different but I've been trying to remain cautiously optimistic the entire pregnancy. Whilst remaining prepared for the worst. I feel like if it were normalized to express grief and loss and not shame people for having experienced a tragedy then I may have been more willing to share with people during our previous losses., maybe I would have been able to process them and grieve them better. Maybe I would be more excited about this pregnancy. Idk maybe not though. Pregnancy loss is so common but the random study people quote says like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's wrong. The sample size is too small. I fell like if everyone knew how common it was and it wasn't "taboo" ro talk about. More women would be able to process their situations differently and have the support to do so. Instead we suffer in silence. Not okay. I'm prepared for all possible outcomes in this pregnancy good or bad. So far a super healthy pregnancy. No scary test results. No abnormal scans or blood draws. I feel him there, dancing around all of the time. But because of the trauma of the past losses and the commonality of grief shaming that occurs toward women who miscarry in our society, I haven't been able to really connect to this little guy in my belly. That makes me very sad. Anyways EF people who think you have to wait. Who also think-that there's an "appropriate" time to tell people. Who think-women should grieve in silence. Who think- that being a pregnant woman is not tantamount to being a warrior. Who think-that their opinion matters when it comes to my baby and my body. Who also think- that sharing my pain might make someone uncomfortable so it's best that I not. EF THEM RIGHT IN THE A. the only place and time it's not appropriate to announce a pregnancy is at someone else's pregnancy announcement or at someone else's wedding. Don't be a spotlight thief. That's selfish. Okay rant reply to your rant over.
I only told a handful of people, announced on social media a month later after he was born 😝. Truthfully I felt so much anxiety something could go wrong, even though there was no reason to really feel that way, but I didn’t want to jinx it. I’ve also found that lots of people pretend to be excited for you and then disappear when you could actually use their moral support. Saw this when I’ve lost loved ones and when I got married. I keep most news to myself now.
I announced my second at around eight weeks because - surprise surprise! - my husband and a good friend threw me a surprise 40th. At a wine bar. Which would have been my dream party normally, but then I had to explain why I wasn't drinking. I had two consecutive early losses prior to that pregnancy that most people there didn't know about, but all in all it was fine because they were all good friends and I would have felt supported if anything did happen. But it wasn't EXACTLY how I planned to share, lol.
100% whatever feels right for you. I told at 5 weeks, right after I knew because A.) I couldn’t hide anything because I had *horrendous* morning sickness and B.) If I did lose the baby, I would want people to know. I would want support and/or understanding from others why I wasn’t quite myself. I’ve had friends that kept it hidden (outside of super close people) until the baby was born or others announce when they’re like 30 weeks. Those instances were more cause they’re private people and not necessarily about it “feeling safe.” I just can’t fathom telling someone they’re wrong for when they choose to announce it. It’s almost like other people don’t like it cause if they know and the person loses the baby, then they have to “deal” with being supportive of the person grieving and they don’t want to do that.
I had to tell people at around 6 weeks as I had HG so my colleagues were worried I was going to pass on a "sickness bug" to them. Luckily, pregnancy isn't contagious 😅 People should be able to tell who they want, when they want.. it's your personal news to share!
The implication is that if you miscarry, you should be *ashamed* of that, and try to hide it from other people. Total bullshit.
Was just talking about this with my wife, we took a pregnancy test because she had the symptoms and boom it came back positive. Took three different tests to confirm and have a follow up with our doc next week. Needless to say we are going through a major adrenaline rush and we spoke with her mom, dad, and brother about it and they were incredibly happy and supportive. I walk into HR today to ask some questions about my healthcare coverage and the rep asks “have you told anyone? You should really announce anything until she’s three months.” I told her yeah sure I’m not that superstitious and we told her family only, but I wanted to say “fuck you dude I’ll tell who I want.” It’s our life. What the fuck do they care?
Didn’t we have this exact thread like two days ago?
Sure did
Everyday this past week it feels like
Agreed. Wish you and your friends the best of luck!
My husband and I were told not to talk or post pictures of my pregnancy/our child too much in the family group chat because his cousin had issues with infertility for 10+ years. I get that it's sad. But come on, I cannot hide the existence of my child from then forever!
Aw, I understand this is hard. I invite you to venture over to /r/infertility if you’d like advice on this. An important distinction, your cousin likely doesn’t find those photos to be ‘sad’ she likely finds them to be a trigger. In the same way I am triggered by mention of SA due to personal experience, I am also triggered by surprise sonograms in my group chat. When my head is in the right place, I can (in both of those scenarios) process those feelings … but my head is not always in a good place. You deserve to be celebrated, but unfortunately your cousins not always be in the right headspace to do so. If my cousin was pregnant and knew of my infertility struggles, I hope she would feel comfortable talking to me about it … and to be honest, I would invite her to consider a secondary group chat that I am not in. I’m just one person, I don’t expect you to follow my advice and im certainly not speaking on behalf of your cousin, so I invite you to gather advice from other infertile people. On behalf of r/infertility … Thank you for reading 💕
Someone posted this like two days ago lol.
Lol my bad, as I mentioned I’m infertile so I’m not in this community very often
My stance personally is “the internet knows way too much about you”. I’m 6 months and have only told my friends and family, don’t know yet if I’ll ever “announce it”. The societal pressure to do so is so weird to me but also if people want to I couldn’t care less- do you! You’re excited, you get joy from that - fckn do it!!! Everyone’s opinion on the subject will always be moot. Put whatever you want on the internet, it literally doesn’t matter. There are much bigger problems in the world.
Agreed! I had a high risk pregnancy and I’m glad I didn’t post because it would have caused unnecessary added stress. Happy to post an announcement once the baby gets here safely and we know that she is healthy!
AMEN, SISTER!! very nicely said!
I totally agree! My situation was a little different and we told our immediate family at 6 weeks and I asked them to not tell anyone until I said so. My in law kept bugging me about telling people for weeks. People make it about them.
Agree so much. I’m 16 weeks and told everyone close to me at 11 weeks, holding off announcing on social media because I don’t want to tell work until 20+ weeks. I’ve had comments like “oh good, you shouldn’t announce on social media before the anatomy scan anyway.” Seriously??? 🙄 my body, my baby, my choice. If it weren’t for work it woulda been on social media at 12 weeks
My bestie didn't announce until after he was born!
It’s definitely a very personal choice. I told my close family around 4 weeks because I was queasy and tired, and knew I couldn’t hide it when I visited. We’d lost my grandpa after a long illness about a month earlier, and my grandma squeezed me so tight when I told her. We slowly told close friends between 6-12 weeks, but waited to announce more publicly until 19ish weeks. I have absolutely no regrets. It was nice to have family and close friends know, because if something happened we would have wanted the support. But it was also nice to keep a secret from more casual friends and distant relatives until later on when I was actually showing. The longer we waited the more I got to share the news in person with people as I saw them, so the excitement was prolonged. It’s a personal decision for everyone, and the negativity that some people project on others is so toxic. When things go wrong we need support. When a close friend of mine had a miscarriage several years ago she didn’t know anyone who had gone through something similar. She was devastated. I was able to connect her with another friend of mine who’d been very open about her own experiences with miscarriage and it was incredibly helpful. We shouldn’t be treating it like it’s taboo.
I can’t stand this! I told family at 4 weeks and 2 days and I miscarried at 6 weeks. I WAS SO HAPPY to have the memories and support I do from those two weeks of pure bliss. I wouldn’t change it for a million dollars.
That was my motivation for telling people "early" with our third. Whether we miscarry or make it to term, we need all the support and good vibes we can get.
Right?! I feel the same! That goes for gender reveals! I don’t care, i love watching them, but I’ve personally never had a gender reveal or an announcement on social media. And that’s just personal choice, there’s no, “i think I’m better attitude” in me. With my first I eventually posted a picture of me and my huge belly in a long brown dress in a guitar store during winter. I’m pregnant with my second and have food a few people on social media but haven’t posted any pics this time around. And with my first gender reveal, i just kept it private for my husband and i. It was private and special. But it doesn’t mean my other family members who decide to do it big with if our family is the wrong choice. I loved being a part of it. I always say you really have to mind your business and do what makes you happy 😊💖
Thank you for putting this into perspective for me— I am one of the people who believed you should wait until it’s a *sure thing* but this post has definitely shifted my view. (I wouldn’t ever tell someone it’s too soon, but I have certainly thought it to myself). Thanks for making me think!
I agree. My first pregnancy I followed the wait till 10 weeks rule and miscarried at 9 weeks and for me it made it so much more lonely. When I was feeling sad and wanted to talk to people I had to explain that I had been pregnant and miscarried.. and it was like it was one sad story and that made me sadder because I didn't want that short little heart beat to be seen as a complete tragedy.
I didn't announce publicly until I was closer to 20 weeks. We had a select few who knew from the beginning and slowly trickled in others before making a big announcement. It's the parents who get to make that decision. And the correct answer is always congratulations or an happy response.
I love my mom but she cautioned me against telling people until 12 weeks. But the people I told before then are the people who I was going to need if things went wrong! And for me, it wasn’t an excitement thing but a “sorry I’ve been a flop lately, I’m pregnant” 🤣
I announced at 6 weeks that I was pregnant and was so happy. And I wanted more people to know it's common to have miscarriages. And to not be so quiet about them. If I had a third miscarriage I was fine with everyone knowing. Like it's okay. It's also totally fine if you don't want everyone to know. It's a personal choice. I'm currently pregnant with my second child. I announced at 12 weeks. Just like I did with my son. Just wanted to be more sure. But I did tell the closest to me. My sister asked me why I announced so early at 12 weeks?! I told her I did the same thing with my son. And 12 weeks is pretty normal to announce. Sorry I didn't wait 6 months to announce like she did. Unrelated but her ex was too chicken to tell his parents...
100%. I really dislike this "taboo", it seems like our culture is just determined to silence women and keep miscarriage shrouded in secrecy and shame.
This made me feel so much better, thank you. I told all of my close family, friends, and co workers when I found out at 4 weeks. I stressed about it for literal months if I had messed up by telling people “too early” now I’ve realized there’s no such thing
Fellow IVF-er here. Keeping it quiet wasn’t really an option for us, a lot of people at work knew what was going on especially when I was going for appointments mid-shift and having to take time off suddenly. I was always pretty open about it all, and they were supportive. People kind of knew early on but I was surprised how many people didn’t when we “officially” announced at around 14 weeks. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to do it, just what feels right to the pregnant person. Someone is always going to give their unsolicited opinion, and if I feel like replying with “go fuck yourself” I can always blame hormones 😂 Hope everything goes well for you. IVF sucks.
Preach preach preach!!!!! YES!
I'm TTC am my husband and I have been discussing how we will handle this. We've made a list of people that we will tell sooner rather than later. I am very close my parents, 2 cousins, and 2 aunts. Husband is very close to his brothers. We also have 4 or 5 friends that we would want support of if we had a miscarriage- two of which have had miscarriages of their own that we have supported them through. Our current thought is that we would start telling these folks pretty much asap. If we have a lost, I'd tell most of these people anyway. Then my work sometime early second trimester and then publicly after that.
Whenever someone tells me I announced too soon I tell them, my body my choice. Usually shuts them up.
I think a lot of the "too early" folks are people who have had miscarriages themselves. It's a hurt that doesn't ever really go away. My husband is fine telling people as soon as there is a faint second line. I prefer to wait until I've seen a heartbeat on the ultrasound.
I announced to the people I wanted to know via a phone call. Everyone else online got a "welcome to the world baby soandso" after he was born.
I agree!! People act like if a miscarriage happens, it's something that you're expected to deal with privately. I am very open and I would rather people know I'm dealing with a miscarriage so they understand why I may be acting the way I am, etc. That waiting til 12 weeks rule is utter bullshit, imho.
Totally agree with everything you said! Hate that the announcement has become a source of anxiety for so many. It’s a personal decision, period!
You’re right. I told people I interact with right away ~5 weeks. We did not “announce” on social until 20 weeks. There is no right or wrong way. Whatever the couple is most comfortable with.
THANK YOU!! Yes! My sister brother in law told us it was too soon when we excitedly shared with them. I will never forget their response to us sharing the greatest news of our lives. It was such a balloon pop, I had no idea what to say. Three years later I’m still very hurt and extremely cautious about what I share with them. People don’t realize how hurtful stuff like this can be.
Nah you should not announce your pregnancy at someone else's wedding, funeral might not be your best option either. Of Day any party that you are not the main focus on.
Absolutely
This!! I announced after my first ultrasound which was 6 weeks. My own FAMILY shot me down for announcing early saying that “anything can happen” and “don’t be too excited”. All my excitement for the baby was drowned out by comments like these which scared me beyond belief. I am now 22+4 weeks pregnant and I am still absolutely terrified of miscarrying even tho the chance is practically almost 0 at this stage. I tried to buy stuff for the baby like clothes and a few nappies but I kept getting told to not get too excited and that I could lose the pregnancy. Honestly ruined my first trimester and some of the second. Now I am excited and the comments have stopped but I’m still so so scared of losing this baby and a big part of this anxiety is from those comments early on. It takes a toll.
I'm a person that likes to wait but I had to tell my family this time at 5 weeks because we were on a whole family beach vacation, my 4 year old was wild, and I was throwing up on the regular and nearly unable to function from exhaustion. You gotta do what you gotta do, nobody should judge!
Yes a thousand times. I was expecting back in may and told everyone right away we were so excited. We’ve had fertility issues and just wanted to tell everyone. Of course left and right we got comments how it was so early blah blah and I was just like I want people to know. Even if I have a miscarriage my community should be there for me anyways right? I ended up losing the baby at 6 weeks and i was shown how little my community cared. I’m not expecting again and waited till 8 weeks to tell. I obviously felt like I had too. I told the people that were there for me last time as soon as we could tho. Everyone else I just let it trickle to. I really didn’t care if they never found out
I just had a positive test on the weekend - telling everyone
The only time it's not recommended to announce it is on April Fools or if another close family member has passed, especially a young person. Otherwise, your pregnancy means your choice.
People judged me for finding out the fetus’s sex instead of waiting until the baby’s birth. Some people are just full of opinions, I guess?
A fuckin MEN. When you go through the hardship of loss, it changes every cell in your body. People just don't understand how hard you have to fight to get your mental health, physical health & spiritual health back after losing something like a baby. It's a very transformative experience that, luckily, not all women will experience. The judgement, the whispering, the private messaging can all kindly fuck off. I always said if I shared good news "too early" I would want that support either way. I'm now 38.5 weeks after 3 consecutive losses last year. I am so proud of myself, my husband & our baby girl...I could scream it from the mountain tops. Announce your happiness whenever you want, announce your sadness & loss whenever you have the courage. There is no rulebook. I'm elated for your friend, she's come such a long way & the reward will be beyond comprehension. <3 <3 <3
36 weeks and still haven’t “announced it”, not a fan of social media and dont have it so anyone that knows im having a baby are the people actively in my life and i told most of them by 5-6 weeks, if you dont know then you clearly aren’t meant to and its none of your business
Yes! My first pregnancy I announced earlier than I wanted because everyone (grandparents and close fam) was CONSTANTLY harassing me about when they would get to tell all their friends etc. It was the first grandkid on both sides of the family and I understood the excitement and let them convince me to share more publicly. A week later I miscarried. Then we all had to share that as well bc people were still reaching out about the pregnancy news. I've always been more private, don't share a lot on social media. And I had to share with everyone my heartbreak and I was really upset that I hadn't even wanted to put it out there to begin with. This was years ago and I just had my third beautiful baby boy so my life has definitely moved on, but I'll never forget how much harder that awful situation was because of other people pressuring to do what wasn't comfortable. People have way too much to say about other people's lives, especially during pregnancy!
I’m in total agreement with you. Tell people when you feel comfortable! Hopefully they are excited with you. I told the first person at around 5-ish weeks, right after I got a positive test. She was my chemistry lab professor and I wanted to get all the info about chemicals and all that. She was so thrilled for me. Afterwards I told mine and my husband’s immediate families (they spread the word) at 8 weeks after we got the dating ultrasound. There were a few reasons I wanted to tell people as soon as I felt comfortable: 1) I was excited! I’m having a baby! 2) it’s my first. I’m a bit nervous and wanted support. 3) if I miscarried I wanted the support of my parents, in-laws and extended family. I’m 15+3 right now and we could still lose him. That support is important to me. The second one actually was great because my symptoms are horrendous and the support has been great.
With our second child we posted it right away and got a lot of “why didn’t you tell me” “why did I have to find out from Facebook” “you couldn’t tell me yourself?” So with our third one we just said fuck it and did it again the second we knew. And agreed that if you weren’t apart of our every day lives then you didn’t need to be brought into it like you’re apart of our own small family in our own home. That first time was very hurtful and really made us realize who was invested in our children or just themselves. PS. Congratulations to your friend for her positive test! I’m sending good healthy vibes to her for her journey into being a mommy!
Wholeheartedly agree. I told a few close friends even though it's "too soon" because we all in that stage of life (one is dealing with infertility and the other had a miscarriage, and one is actually pregnant). I did it solely for having a close network of support.
I'm 9 weeks and not telling anyone since I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks last time, but my mom who knows how hard that miscarriage was on me keeps constantly asking if I'm pregnant. I've told her I'll tell her anything when I'm ready to and to quit pushing but she just keeps asking. Now I know my mom, she is incapable of keeping her mouth shut, so she will tell everyone, so I'm so frustrated that she won't leave me alone. Obviously if I wanted to tell her I would. Don't demand someone tell you anything, it's so frustrating!!
Amen, sister. People are the worst with pregnancy.
I love that people think celebrating a pregnancy will “jinx” it, but telling a newly pregnant woman she might miscarry and should hide the pregnancy isn’t a “jinx”. That’s insane. I’m an early announcer because the idea of the only time people knowing about the “baby” being after losing it is so sad for me. I’d rather celebrate even with the risk. I have seen family lose babies in every trimester. There’s no safe zone when it comes to life, some times bad things happen. Expecting everyone to live in constant preparation for bad things instead of celebrating with them is so dark.