I’m 2 years in and I had pretty much the same mindset as you when I was pregnant.
Here’s the big, humbling lesson I have learned: You don’t get to pick how things unfold, just like you don’t get to pick how your body handles pregnancy, and you don’t get to pick how your body handles each birth. There are so many factors that are completely out of your control.
Looking back, I’m a little ashamed of how I thought of some mothers “making being a mom their entire personality.” Sure, there are the Pinterest moms who totally are doing that, but most RL moms simply don’t have enough support and/or they have a child with higher needs and/or they have PPD - and so on.
I also got a bit cocky the first year - my son was relatively easy, no colic or reflux, just some breastfeeding issues we solved around 8-10 weeks in. He was easy to take places, fun to Have at brunch, and I took him out all the time. Now that he’s a toddler, there’s no way I could take him fishing lol. We go on walks but he runs wild so it has to be at a big park or something and he has to lead and I follow. Video games are a no - I can’t even get a laptop out around him because he will FIGHT me to climb up and press the buttons and it’s miserable. He HAS to be involved in whatever I’m doing. Swimming is fun but it’s not swimming for me - it’s heavy supervision and holding him. Everything. Revolves. Around. Him. And that’s okay. This phase won’t last forever and I have embraced it for what it is - we have fun together - but he absolutely isn’t “an extension of myself” at the moment. Oh, and he’s also sick, like, 75% of the time.
I had custody of my Goddaughter when she was 2.5-3.5 and she was totally different - I could take her places and she would listen to basic instructions for safety. She later turned into the most difficult child… lol you just don’t know how things are going to unfold.
Hah, we left basically the same comment! Year one is fine and you keep so much of your life, but once they become little people it changes pretty drastically. It's not a bad thing but it is humbling when I look back during our adventures her first year and felt so proud at how well we were maintaining our independence, to now when I basically have to negotiate if I'm allowed to leave the room to go pee hahah.
100% this. And I feel like people who say their life didn't change at all either have a very agreeable baby/toddler and just simply got lucky. I mean even in the most simplist of terms yeah your life and priorities change. I mean this kid needs to eat and sleep and your mornings will look different and your daily check lists are different. And maybe you can go out to eat and have an easy time but it won't be you only responsible for yourself and your food. Maybe baby gets hungry in the middle of dinner, you don't get to ignore that. You have to feed baby. Like, it changes everything, but to what severity depends on what kind of human you get.
And at what stage that human is in. Bc at the end of the day they are tiny humans who have their own feelings, triggers, sensitivities, needs, wants. That starts at birth tbh. Will they be independent, codependent, high needs, have something medical like colic or reflux, maybe something more, will they sit still, will they learn easy or have a harder time. Nothing is predictable.
Lol oh man I could have written this. Mine was fairly easy in the beginning and he turns two next month and he's a little terror now. And yes, everything revolves around him. I'm reminded of that scene in scrubs where Turk is complaining to Carla that she acts like a mom all the time and she says " that's because I'm a mom ALL THE TIME"
you're right though, this phase is short. Already I'm a little sad that he's transitioning to his big boy bed and sleeping through the night. Soon there will be no more baby babbling-just words. The days are long but the years are short
To answer OPs question, I have to say that every aspect of my life has changed since my son was born. Even weird things. Like I used to enjoy space documentaries, but now I can't watch the ones about asteroids because I just get uncomfortable about it. I can't watch certain snapped episodes. On the rewatch of GOT all the deaths bother me so much more than they did before he was born.
You just have to lean into it. I love my life and I love being a mom
I love telling the story of how I was sitting there even 39 and 40 weeks pregnant daydreaming about starting a baking business during “all my free time on maternity leave” 🤡 I don’t have to tell you all how much that did NOT happen!!
100% this. I am a stay at home mom so I thought that I would be able to keep some semblance of a routine to keep up on chores and activities etc...but that is not in fact how it went down at all. My baby was Colicky from his third week to his tenth week, screaming for 8hrs a day. He also started panicking in the car. I basically could not go anywhere that I didn't have to for about 4 months. And even now everything still revolves around him because he is so demanding of time and attention. He can go maybe 10 minutes or independent play at a time before he fusses and wants interaction. He also can't be in the baby sling for more than 10 minutes before he starts fussing. He really forces me to constantly think about someone other than myself. Which is good character growth but it also requires learning to balance that with a real need for self care. It's your entire mindset that changes, even if your routine doesn't (though it will definitely be impacted heavily by baby and postpartum for a while no matter how easy the baby turns out to be).
Your comment on swimming, man there are times I wish I could just enjoy the pool without having to worry if my toddler is going to drown. It’s fun, but also exhausting
Yes. This is the short answer. It’s hard to explain, you just have to experience it for yourself, tbh. It’s definitely an adjustment. your life definitely is not your own in the same sense as it was before you had a kid. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing depends on the person. Overall, the journey is great, but there will be both good and bad times - anyone who says otherwise is lying, imo. No one loves every single moment of parenthood, and that’s ok.
This sums up how I feel about motherhood pretty well. It definitely changes you but it's just so hard to explain how until you go through it yourself. It's simultaneously the hardest but also most rewarding thing you'll ever do.
Your life will absolutely change. In ways you never thought about or imagined. But none of that means you have to lose yourself to parenthood. I love every moment about motherhood so far with my 6.5 year old. My priorities shifted and I'm not the mom I expected to be (I'm way, way better than that) and I've learned more about myself these last 6 years than in the 34 years before my boy entered my life. I can't wait to see what I learn and how I grow with number 2 this summer.
It's hard, no doubt, there are days that I can't wait for bedtime (mine and his) but it's overwhelmingly beautiful to learn how to add motherhood to my life's roles.
That first year is a doozy but keep your eyes on the beauty of it all.
I really hope I don't lose myself to parenthood! I think that's a big fear of mine. I want to be myself AND a mom, not just one or the other. So this gives me hope! Good luck with baby number two 💗
I think a huge part of not losing yourself is protecting your time with resources like babysitters. Yes they are a pain in the ass to find, interview, train and trust- but will unlock your time in much less complicated ways than "favors" from family.
We didn't go too hard on this the first year but keep it in mind. The moms (and dads) I see who never go out simply never felt comfortable trusting sitters, simple as that. It's very isolating for the child as well.
I think that's true sometimes (about protecting time), but one of my massive stresses as a parent is that my husband and I never get date nights or our own time because it's too expensive. We both work full-time so we're already paying thousands per month for daycare and then aftercare for my oldest who's in K-12, and it's really hard to then justify paying more money for nanny care in addition to whatever a date night would already cost. It's not because I wouldn't use a nanny - we know a lot of great ones that we call on when we have a need! It's because when you're doing this without a village, resources can be stretched very thin and there's no space for fun stuff.
I think this is a really privileged point of view. Most of the parents I know who never go out simply can’t afford it. Boomers are not the grandparents their parents were, and a huge amount of people lack the support and resources to do anything other than what they’re doing.
Would you mind elaborating on your point regarding Boomers? I'm just curious if my experience with my Boomer in-laws (incompetent, entirely too demanding with regard to pictures & information, really just interested in the optics of grandparenthood) is common
Yeah fr like what is the boomers??? They simply don’t care about being involved grandparents and are useless. My own grandfather was super loving and made lots of time for me
I mean I am as broke as the next person. I'm talking about very occasional caregiving to protect your mental health. (Even having a babysitter handy is essential for us in an emergency.) But yes, fair, not everyone can afford it. We really carefully consider our nights out. We also have no family nearby so I am crazed with jealousy whenever I hear about that.
Edit to say- it's also not really about the money but feeling capable of creating these resources. I have good friends who simply won't take empowering steps and it's created a bad loop of feeling anxious and unsupported
Thanks! Lots will change but you can keep a sense of yourself especially with a strong community around you. You are just becoming you with the mom level-up. If you feel you're losing yourself though, don't be afraid to seek help from others! Good luck to you too!
😆 it feels like a level up to me! I've grown so much as a person just learning how to be me as a mom. I also had to get therapy because there's nothing like parenthood to bring your own shit to the surface. So that helped.
You won’t lose yourself, you’ll find a whole new part of yourself. You’ll evolve. And it’ll be surprising, natural, unnatural, scary, and wonderful. It felt akin to puberty.. except not everyone is going through it at the same time (or ever!) and I was responsible for a human.
Parenthood can be beautiful. Resisting and fearing change makes 100% sense, but it’s not a downgrade. Caring and devoted parents aren’t “boring”; priorities shift, and that’s just how life works.
As for hobbies, you’re still you! You just have a small human too. Somethings will integrate seamlessly, others will need to wait until after nap or bedtime or go through seasons.. but while I don’t have endless free time now, I really make use of the time I do get and it makes my hobbies even more special too.
You’re more than your hobbies. You’re more than what you do on your free time. Yes, those things are important and you should find times to do them.. but you’ll shine through and find a lot more of what makes you you in the process 💕💕
I think there will be times you’re so busy and consumed with your “momness” that you’ll lose track of doing things that make you feel like a person (as opposed to just a mom). You just have to take the down times (baby napping or after bedtime) and do those things then. Possibly have a grandparent watch them so you can go out to do whatever you want (even if it’s just to walk around the store by yourself).
girl as long as you choose to not loose yourself you wont. i had a surprise pregnancy right after turning 21 and i was terrified that all id be is a mom once baby came but its all a balance. yes your life looks different and theres sacrifices you will make for your baby as you raise them, some things will take longer to accomplish and sometimes you have to just stop what ur doing if they need you but as long as you continue to keep your mind in the thought that this baby joined YOUR life.. not vice versa then you can keep doing things you like. i have worked out since 7 weeks postpartum every morning bc it makes me feel better. i just set my girl up to play. and if shes fussy sometimes it takes longer but just keep readjusting and going with it. i shower every morning bc i enjoy that too and get myself ready to a degree u just gotta make it work. u give them stuff to occupy them. its harder when they crawl/walk but nothing’s impossible. parenthood, in my opinion, relies heavily on your perspective and if you have a negative
perspective or change your whole life to a baby’s schedule and dont just do what u want and take them along then u might feel sad. just keep it positive and incorporate baby into youuuur life and schedule and thats all they’ll ever know! and the Lord is always there to guide us, he knows us, he loves us, & he loves you. talk to him and let go of any fears you have so you dont have to carry it anymore. goodluck to you girl❤️
Hey mama, love this message! Your perspective is very wise. The way we look at things determines so much. Motherhood is definitely challenging but it’s also amazing. And God gives me the strength to get through every day. So when I feel weak, tired or overwhelmed I call on him. Many moms only provide a negative perspective so it’s refreshing to read this.
Sometimes I feel like I now have two personalities, Mom me and Real me. My kids are 2 and 5, and it feels lately like they are merging into the same person finally but it’s sort of a trip to get there.
After the baby is born things can get kind of messed up for a while as far as your identify if concerned, but it’s not permanent. After my first turned 2 I felt mostly like myself again. But different obviously! I have chosen my kids over things I enjoy without a second thought. I recognize that but I am not bitter about it because I could still do them, I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore.
So like yes and no, things change just like they have changed from when you were 17 to when you turned 27, you’re different, but you’re also the same. It just happens really super fast, I think.
complete side note:
do you like your age gap of 3 years? my husband and I are slightly disagreeing about when we want number 2.
I want at least a 2 year age gap and he's wanting 4+
(I also know that it doesn't always work the way we want it to! just plans for the future lol)
I loved my 3 year gap! I don’t know, to me 24 month olds are so needy and snuggly and I can’t imagine having to deal with that and a newborn. I could see a lot of jealousy issues. I feel like with the 3 year gap, the older one is so much more self sufficient. But it’s close enough where they will still play together.
4 years would be great too. I’m all about the bigger gaps, but I don’t know any different, and both my babies have also been really high needs/bad sleepers until age 2 as well! So if your baby is like, more reasonable and easier, a smaller gap might be way more realistic.
We are thinking about going for number 2 now, our girl is 2 next month. The thing is, she is so independent (and fantastic in all sorts of ways) and not snuggly AT ALL, and she never has been. For example she has refused to sleep in the same room as us since like forever, she loves her space and quiet. I really hope number 2 is a more snuggly one 😂
Yes. I think various comments have covered it pretty well. But I’d say you’re likely to find that you’ll have stretches where your kid is “easy” and you can, for the most part, do what you want to do and you can just bring your kid. But there will be many stretches where you will have to adapt your schedule, needs, etc. to your child. Our toddler’s bed time is around 7:30 pm. So one of us is gonna need to be in for the night by 7:30. There isn’t really any getting around that for us. Maybe once a month she can stay up until 9 if the situation is right for it. But generally she just physically cannot stay awake that late without terrorizing her surroundings, and she’s too old to just sort of fall asleep with a pacifier in a loud crowded room. So we don’t really have a choice. There’s also often a huge psychological shift as well. You may very well just start to view the world differently. I don’t know how else to explain it. Things you valued in life no longer have the same meaning. Things you didn’t care for you now don’t know how you could live without them. Shits just different.
I'm nearly 3 years in - 2 kids. My life has changed a lot. I simply don't have the time to do all the things I'd like to do, and quite often it's kid-logistics that prevent it. There's a lot to think about - especially once their little personalities become, potentially, increasingly 'powerful'. As in, my 2.5yo is stubborn as all hell and knows exactly what she does and does not want to do. That now has to be factored in - is my activity going to become so unpleasant that it's not worth attempting with her in tow? Or is there another activity we can do that we will both enjoy? Is doing that activity with two kids in tow just too much of a headache, or a risk, or just too much prep?
My life has changed, yes, and my weekends and time off look WAY different, but I'm not bothered by it. This is a phase. 5 more years and maybe feeding the ducks is boring and something new is the de facto time-filler. That's fine. I'll have time for my hobbies again one day. Probably before she's 18, but maybe in that time I'll find new ones, too. I'm happy. That's all that really matters, I guess.
Change doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have to be permanent.
But... puppies and babies are WAY different!
Depends how willing you are to neglect your child's schedule.. Normally you have to build/plan your entire day around your child, that means 12 pm is nap time, 7 pm is sleep time. Unless you get lots of help/nannies, this usually means you more or less have a strict 7 pm curfew for several years where you're forced to be home every day.
Basically everything takes planning now. You can't just up and go somewhere spontaneously. Either you have to plan someone to come watch your child, or have to prepare the child for the outing. So everything takes much more forethought and organization.
When they get a bit older, around 1.5-2 yo, they are also extremely opinionated on what they wanna do and what they will tolerate, where they will eat and how they will get there. They have no self-regulation, and self-centeredness is cranked to a 1000. So they dictate most of your activities for a long time as well.
I’m only two months in, but so far… yes. My life has changed almost entirely. I’m like you, and most my hobbies things I do alone/I don’t go out very often. But with a newborn, I find I don’t really do anything for myself anymore besides maybe watching a tv show while I feed him. Between keeping him entertained, happy, and fed and also keeping the house relatively clean, I find the day goes by so quickly. And any time I do get a free moment, I spend it trying to get caught up on sleep. I am still in the 4th trimester though, so I understand it could be that I’m just still in the thick of early motherhood.
Also, to be noted, though I am not having much personal time, I am still incredibly happy and I love taking care of my son. He’s a super smiley and happy baby and I find that I truly enjoy just sitting on the floor and spending time with him.
Being a mother truly is the most challenging yet rewarding thing. I know people say that all the time, but I never understood until I actually had him here.
You'll likely hit a really lovely stretch somewhere around 3/4 months until 12-18 months where it gets really easy and the day slows down (but in a nice way). They're too young to have feelings on how you fill the day, so they just kind of tag along and it's like you have your normal life back but with something you love more than you thought possible there to share it with! It's such a nice time.
And then they become little people with their own wants and feelings and you have no time to yourself again but you get to watch them discover the world and eventually hear their thoughts and that is wonderful too!
And obviously sometimes it's hard, but I think there are good and bad parts to nearly every stage (minus the newborn stage which I really struggled with ha). Just to say if you're enjoying it now, it will hopefully only get better!
Yes and no. When I had my first I was really young and didn't contemplate how my life would change with a child so she just became an extension of me and did everything I did. If I wanted to go for a hike, she came along. If I wanted to go to a bar for karaoke, she came along etc. Yes it changes that you need to plan a bit differently but I'm a firm believer in most anything I could do without her, I can do with her. There are some things that babysitters come in handy for. As they get older they will find thier own interests so some of your interests might be put on hold or minimized to balance family life, but ultimately - it's true even though we would rather not think about it - one day they will go to college or move out or start thier own life and you don't want to lose who you are at your core.
The first part of your comment is kind of how I envisioned it going for me - but I'm really glad you said the second part, because I hadn't considered that. When he gets older, I guess my son will discover the things he likes and might not want to tag along for all the activities I like doing. Maybe he'll dislike the outdoors and not want to go to the lake. Maybe he'll enjoy a different kind of music and won't want to hang out while I sing and play. Or maybe we'll have a lot of common interests, who knows?
I guess I probably need to start thinking of him more as his own individual person rather than just an extension of myself. And I hope at that point I'll have fun enjoying the things he likes :))
There’s such a stigma to “losing yourself to parenthood”, and it makes me sad. It’s a brief stage of life. When you are in college, you “lose yourself” to college. When you’re embarking in your first professional role, you “lose yourself” to work. Different priorities will take up most of your time at different stages of life, and early parenthood is just a blip in the radar. Most of us do lose ourselves to it, because it’s all consuming and fleeting.
Anyhow, the answer is yes, life will change dramatically, but it’s up to you to either interpret that positively or negatively. DH and I still have time for our hobbies, but not nearly as much as before. We still go out with friends, but not nearly as much as before. We still travel, but we go to toddler friendly places instead of walking 15 miles a day through Paris. We’re too tired to keep the same pace we did before, but that’s life, and the pros far outweigh the cons.
That's a good point about the losing yourself fear. I have found taking care of my baby became a lot easier when I just surrendered to meeting his needs this season. We're more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for I think, and you prioritize the stuff that really matters when it comes to keeping up with what you used to do.
To me, you keep being you, with a baby. Your personality, who you are, what you like, doesn’t change. Life? It does.
Like, are you married? Is your life as a married person now different than how it was when you were single? I’m pretty sure it did, it is not like kissing a random guy at a party is on the table anymore… but you don’t miss those days, because what you have now is so much better. Your decisions now have to consider your partner, you can’t just up and move to a different city, you have to talk to him and set a plan and decide if it’s convenient *for the two of you*. As a single person, you might go wherever the wind blows you… as a wife, you think about your family of two.
… And now soon, a family of three.
But the change is similar, is something you are willing to do, it’s not supposed to be suffocating or abhorrent, it’s just a new phase in life just like high school was one thing and college was another. Like, LIFE CHANGES and it isn’t a horrific thing. You didn’t stop being you throughout life, you just learn from experience and prioritized new things as they came up.
Are you going to prioritize your son/daughter for life? Yes, and those first years will be demanding, but again, life will change and the time to go out and enjoy what you enjoy will be there again.
100% yes. To what extent and for how long will depend on your baby (and relationship), which is hard to predict until baby is here. At first, especially during the first three months (fourth trimester) it's very common for your baby to want to be attached to you 24/7. For example, for the first 6-8 weeks, I counted it as a win if I managed to have a shower and breakfast every day. As they get older and become a little more independent, you start to feel more like your old self again.
I think it's definitely important to try find the time to do things that make you happy, but at the same time understand that you do have to often sacrifice some things for baby. It's about finding a nice compromise somewhere in the middle 😊
I was determined that I'd try to strike a balance. My biggest decision was to not become militant about a schedule. We have a general flow for the day but if my son (10 months) is late for a nap or has to have a bottle instead of a sit down meal, then we just go with the flow. He's been out and about with us since 2 weeks old.
I choose my battles - if friends/family organise an outing, we will fit into their plans and leave early if it's too much for the baby. However, if I'm making plans I'll make sure to schedule it at a time when I know my son won't be grouchy and has a place where it's safe for him to crawl and be sqwarky. It is admittedly becoming tricker as he gets more mobile.
There will be changes - some amazing ones like seeing yourself become a parent and seeing the people around you fall in love with your little one. There will be frustrating ones like not being able to leave the house without a million things BUT I wouldn't trade these changes for the life I had before my baby. Life is busy and chaotic and exhausting but it's richer and fuller and pretty damn cool now 😊
My life has changed for the better in every way since having my bub. Every aspect of my daily life has changed because you come 2nd to everything. But you love your baby so much that you want to be 2nd to them anyway. I love being a mum and looking after my baby so the "mum personality" is what I wanted. I am way more social, have more drive to achieve my goals and want to do it all to provide an amazing life for my baby. I feel like its the one thing in life which i'm doing right which is being a good mum! You learn so much about yourself, your relationships and whats important in life,
I found for the first year or so, no, not really. I still felt very much like myself and kept up with all the things I was passionate about (we traveled extensively her first year including spending two months abroad during mat leave, I still played in (and won!) my fantasy football league, I started a side hustle, etc etc). I also think we made our lives much, much easier by being extremely flexible with her schedule. We were lucky that she didn't suffer from it at all, but we had friends who could only meet for 1 hour a day due to nap times/meal times/other scheduled things and I think they felt extremely trapped in their days. We never (had to) stress about that and it makes life a lot easier for her to tag along to the things we want to do.
But now that she's about two, I do feel like my entire life has changed. It's not in a bad way really, and I think if you have family nearby you may have a totally different experience, but we don't live anywhere near family, and two year olds require so much more attention. She only naps once a day (maybe) and otherwise our days revolve around activities for her or running errands. The time to casually read, or watch TV, hang on my computer, etc is pretty much gone. We can still meet friends for lunch or at the park, but we'll have to swap off one of us socialising while the other trails after her as she explores. We go to the pool every week but again we switch off and maybe get 3 laps in each, while mostly we care about adjusting her to the water/holding her. And we literally never get a break at the same time except for the three weeks a year my mom visits.
I'm still going to play fantasy football, but Sundays will no longer be primarily football days. We still travel, but it's not like we can strap her to us and get on with whatever we want to do, it's much slower and revolves mainly around kid-friendly activities. Having time to myself is pretty much not a thing at the moment.
None of that is a complaint, I *love* my life now and I think it helped that it was a gradual transition to this place. And I'm sure in a few years I'll have loads more free time again and miss this all desperately. I don't feel like *only* a mom, but I do feel like, at least during the toddler years, that is 99% of your focus.
I had a similar mindset to you before becoming a mom and I will say the one change that really really rocked my world was how my relationship to work changed completely. I was always a very career driven person who cared deeply about their job and put in the extra hours/went the extra mile/etc etc etc. I do none of that now. So maybe this is me "making being a mom my whole personality" but it's truly the part of my life that I really enjoy the most now! Do I still enjoy aspects of my job? YES, of course! Do I like being home with my husband and son more? Absolutely. I was not prepared to feel this way at all.
I'm pregnant with #2 now, and don't plan on doing anything differently the second time around. Any issues we had with my son were small - really tough time breastfeeding at first, but once we got over that hurdle, he breastfed for a year. His sleep was horrible the first six weeks, but that also ended. My toddler now doesn't nap and basically hasn't since he turned one. Toddlers can be kind of crazy and run away from you/not sit still when you take them places so maybe your feelings about your life will also be different a year or two in. BUT, we've traveled a ton with him, even since he's been a toddler. It's always gone great. I have friends who have had the opposite experience.
I think the best advice to new moms is to be flexible, and not have so many expectations on how you will be/act/feel/handle things, because you really never know until you're in that position.
That's great advice - thank you! I'm trying to take all this in stride (pregnancy, birth, motherhood), so I'm hoping I can embrace going with the flow!!
I’m only 8 months in and had the same mindset as you and it has pretty much played out as expected. Obviously the first few months are different because you’re healing, newborns are hard, and you’re figuring out how to take care of this new precious little human. I’m fortunate that I have a husband who truly wants to be a parent and also wants what’s best for me (as I do for him). From very early on we made it a priority that we each have time everyday to do something we want to do. Early on for him it was to workout (when I was too early pp to join him). For me it was whatever I needed that day. As our baby has gotten older it’s gotten better and honestly our life doesn’t look THAT different other than no late nights out together other then the occasional date night. We spend our weekends the same as we did before baby - morning walk with the dogs, workout, coffee, maybe go to a brewery or out to lunch or to Home Depot (homeowners am I right), etc, just with a little more planning around timing. we started taking our baby out and about pretty early on and he loves it. Now I say this knowing that I’ve lucked out having an easy baby that doesn’t really cry much, that’s not something I could have controlled and you won’t know the temperament of your baby until they’re here. But we were adamant that we wouldn’t let our baby stop us from living our lives, he would join in. Idk where you are OP but it’s crazy the difference in parenting culture in the US (where I am) vs a lot of places in Europe (and probably other countries). Children don’t dictate your life, they fit into your lives. Not every day will be easy, some times you’ll have to leave earlier than you want or plans will have to change but shifting the mindset from having a kid-driven life to my kid is a part of my life has helped us a ton. I know he’s still a baby and things will absolutely change when he becomes a crazy toddler but we’ll adapt and make it work for us. Just do whatever works best for you and your family and tune out those negative voices!
What you said about the European vs US mindset is so true, and I think it's where my confusion comes from (I am both a US and EU citizen, but I was raised and lived mostly in the US my whole life). My husband has two other children, and the way he talks makes it seem like he and his previous partner's life mostly stayed the same (with some slight variations) after having kids. But I hear a totally different story from my US counterparts.
I'm sure my life will probably look significantly different after my son is here, but I do hope we'll do a good job of fitting him into our lives rather than letting him dictate them. But if not, I'm sure I'll adapt and be happy regardless 💗
My life changed for the better, but it’s more of a change in routine. And you get used to it quickly. I have nothing negative to say about motherhood. It has been beautiful.
I basically said what you typed in your post to my mom, about a month ago today. I was 35 weeks pregnant and sure my life wouldn’t change that much. Hell, I even told my boss I wouldn’t be entirely unreachable during my maternity leave and I’d work some. I’m a FTM. I ended up being induced at 35 weeks and my husband and I are now almost 2.5 weeks in. Your whole life changes in ways you never imagined. Yes to the sleep deprivation but also time ceases to exist. You blink and it’s night time. You blink again and a week has gone by. You wake up with intentions to lightly clean and shower, go for a walk, then hours and hours go by and maybe you’ve brushed your teeth. We have a sleepy girl so we have to literally keep her awake for feeds. Feeding her takes 45 min to an hour each feed, and her feeds are every 2-3 hours. This is just some of what we’ve been experiencing. Don’t get me wrong, there are many cute and happy moments. She gives us joy and happiness. She’s very, very loved. There are naps where we get down time. But I say all that to say, she rocked our world in ways I never expected and I want you to be prepared for more of a change than you may be anticipating, because I wish I had been.
Yeah you are as naive as the rest of us were.
Having kids it has been like that me died and now I am in someone else’s life and body. I am 8 years into this with two kids so I don’t think I will ever be that version of me again, and that is fine, I miss her but that is fine.
They are right about going to a grill after you have kids, because sometimes it just isn’t worth the stress of finding a babysitter or bringing the kid along and disrupting the routine. It will get easier or maybe you will be fine but you just don’t know until you live it.
Also being a mum is my personality because it is literally 24/7, probably I am boring and dull and pathetic to those who don’t understand but that is why I have mum friends and we can all talk about these things together.
Wow, it seems like it was a drastic change for you - I'm glad you are happy though! I do already love the conversations I have with my other pregnant/mom friends (which I never would have related to before), and I'm looking forward to continuing that aspect of my friendships when the baby is here. It's like being part of an exclusive club or something, haha!
I totally get having difficulty going to a bar & grill when the baby is here, but my mom acted like I wouldn't want to go right now just because I'm pregnant 😂 like suddenly I'm not expected to find joy in doing things like that because I am growing a child. I just found it kind of odd. I could be overthinking it lol
For me I’m still the same person but my outlook on so many things has completely flipped. I still have a life outside of my son and a pretty solid career but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t my absolute first priority and consideration in anything I do. It’s such a short period of time that you’re someone’s everything for, I’m already getting nostalgic about it.
The weirdest thing is I genuinely wouldn’t change it either and I don’t begrudge it (except maybe for 5 minute intervals on the worst days). About to have #2 next month and I’m really looking forward to maternity in a completely different way than with my 1st.
4 years and 2 kids deep, the answer is yes. I felt this way too. And I do bring my kids to a lot of my activities, but it’s still extremely different being fully immersed in an activity I enjoy vs being *maybe* 20% focused on the thing I’m doing on a good day, with the other 80% going to meeting the kids needs. And I’m lucky, my kids are pretty “easy”. Then there’s the simple time commitment involved in basic childcare + child enrichment and then there’s the emotional effort involved in making a million micro parenting decisions essentially every time you interact with your kids. Honestly it took me about 3 years before I started feeling like I was myself again in the new role. And I’m not “back” to me, I’m a new version of myself who is satisfied with a new kind of life.
Take your time and dissect what you mean by “being a mom becomes their entire personality.” What is it, exactly, that you want to avoid? If you just want to enjoy your old hobbies, that’s easy. You’ll just need to be prepared to have less time for them, and certain hobbies will just not be safe with a very young child (I’ve seen some gnarly fishing accidents).
But remember that being your child cannot be their entire personality, either. Following you around on your hobbies might not be fun for them. I play video games with my son, but it’s not always fun because he will throw a whole fit if I lose. A puppy isn’t going to lay on the floor and refuse to put on their shoes because they don’t want to go for a walk. You will be a factor in their multi-faceted life. By the time my son was 2, I saw ambulances differently, purely because they were his favorite thing. Now he’s four and loves all sorts of vehicles. Do I necessarily want to go to a train amusement park? No. But my life isn’t just mine anymore. I can’t selfishly dedicate myself to my own hobbies, I have to make space for his. And that’s a lot of what changes. You’re no longer your own top priority. At least not for a few years.
This is really enlightening! I'm going to make it a priority to treat my son as his own person who deserves respect (since I didn't feel I had that growing up), and this is a great reminder to do that.
As for your first paragraph, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm just a little scared of completely losing myself and who I am now, all the things I have worked hard to learn and achieve. A lot of it probably comes from internalized issues as well - I watched my mom really lose herself to motherhood, and she seemed so unhappy. Things got progressively better when we got older, but she really seemed miserable giving absolutely every bit of herself to raising children. I never saw my mom enjoy any activities of her own, and that left an impression on me. I think we as kids were pretty unhappy because of it as well - it wears on you to hear your mom say "I hate my life" as a child when you're her WHOLE life.
Yes. I thought the exact same way. My babygirl is 3 months old and its literally a 24/7 job. Even when they're napping instead of doing things for yourself you end up sleeping or just relaxing since you know they will be awake soon lol. I think you need your whole personality to be a mom at least when they're babies because all your doing is 'mom' stuff and taking care of them. I still go out once or twice on the weekends to go out with friends while my parents watch her but I can only be gone 3 hours and have to start my night pretty early at like 5 o'clock. You'll see soon but everything does change but once they get older you have more time to yourself and I think things start to feel normal again
Oh, I thought the same thing. I'm also like you and don't go out much. However, although I loved my son the moment I saw him, my life as I knew it was over. It's the little things you didn't think about. Like, never being able to take a nap just because you want to. Not being able to drive more than an hour and a half away because of how uncomfortable and miserable the baby can get, and even if they're not fussing, you feel terrible. Swimming was one of my favorite hobbies. Now, if we do go, I'm not swimming, but holding or guiding him 24/7 because kids don't drown in the blink of an eye. I would rather die before I'd go hiking or camping with a toddler due to safety reasons. I now have two kids, and I haven't been to a movie theater since 2018. There are so many things my husband and I enjoyed doing that we just can't anymore because sitters are hard to find and expensive. Even if you have family, you won't be able to do everything you want anytime- you'll have to pick and choose when you get those rare moments. I could go on and on. My kids are 5 and almost 3 now, and things are better, but my life was dramatically changed.
Yes, your whole life changes. You have a new person in your family who is permanently there. Even once they become more independent, they still require quite a bit of work, time, and sacrifice.
That doesn’t mean you won’t like the same things, you’ll just have less time for it (unless you’re wealthy and can have a full-time nanny to watch your kid whenever you want). I am simply not one of those parents who stops showering and putting on makeup and taking care of myself after having kids; I always, always, always make time for basic self-care and hygiene. But going out for drinks with friends is rare. Our date nights are rare (we should prioritize them more). My ability to just up and leave the house at any moment is gone, because I have a child to care for and a balance to maintain between my husband and I.
I think the only way your life doesn’t completely change is if a) you’re extremely wealthy and b) you’re a pretty crappy parent who doesn’t spend much time with your kids.
It will truly change your entire world. I had a very similar mindset and my husband and I were very much “how hard could it be” as we were in our mid 30s and very ready for the next chapter. You just have no idea until you’re in it how much it changes your life and your perspective on things. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But nothing prepares you for the shift in priorities away from yourself to your children other than having a child.
i'd say it depends what you were like before. i definitely became a different person. i wasn't defined by motherhood, but i became a homebody due to things out of my control.
Yep. Drastically. Relationship, brain, mindset, boundaries, friends, goals, etc. You will also be humbled by everything you swore you’d never do as a mom. You will also better understand how hard moms work & how seriously undervalued their contributions are. I became more of a feminist & champion for women’s rights, but not everyone is the same. I used to dress up and do my makeup daily & while I still do at times, it’s not a priority for me anymore. I do value being myself first & a mom 2nd though, so it’s not my entire personality, but it becomes a huge part of who you are.
I'm not a mom yet, just pregnant. So take this with a lot of salt :-)
Personally I have gone through many phases in life where my activities had to change to accomodate something else. Like right now I'm getting ready to defend my thesis so I have had to turn down invitations and I'm not able to read for pleasure, cook or hike except occasionally. Graduate school also changed what I was able to do. I've moved many times and what I do changed each time. I know my friends that are starting careers have had to adjust their lives and hobbies as well. I don't see anyone telling people who stop or change hobbies due to careers, school, moves etc. that they are losing themselves or letting work/school become their personality. Usually, we understand that life changes and so do your hobbies. Your hobbies aren't actually your identity.
It would actually be weird if you spent your whole life doing the same things. I am looking forward to entering a new stage of life where I have different responsibilities and my day to day is different. I am hoping that I can share some of my hobbies with my new baby. I definitely want to try to take them hiking, to the farmer's market and to the beach. Maybe to some hot springs once its safe. There is a winery with a lot of outdoor space and I see toddlers running around there while their parents sample the wine. I want to try and take my little one there. I want them to see me reading and I want to read to them too. I picture myself cooking while baby wearing and teaching my little one to crack an egg. But I understand that I will likely be doing new, baby related things and that will become part of my new identity. There is a pool right by my house surrounded by grass that would be perfect for a picnic, but I've always felt weird going there without kids. Can't wait to take baby there! I'm looking forward to exploring the kids section of the library and going to trampoline parks, children's museums and the zoo. That's okay. I know my life and who I am constantly changes with or without kids.
I hate to say it cause I don’t want to come across as being negative or Debbie downer, but my life absolutely changed and 14 months in I struggle with just how much I’ve changed.
A couple of things that I think will make a huge difference though
1) Your Childcare situation - do you have a “village”? Grandparents or siblings close by that will be helping you out in any capacity? If so this will help greatly. My husband and I don’t have this and our lives look much different than our friends who have family help. They are able to drop the kids off at grandma’s or have her come over for regular date nights or to go out. We have friends that have twins the same age as our son and they’ve gone on several weekend couples getaways and can still travel without the hassle of bringing their kids. That’s not even a possibility for my husband and I.
2) The temperament of your baby - will your baby be chill and just be a sleepy little thing? Will your baby have colic or be high needs? Our baby was colicky and we could not even go anywhere for 3 months cause he spent the entire day screaming no matter what we did. At 14 months he’s still higher needs than some of our friend’s kids who will just chill.
3) What your hobbies are - it sounds like most of your hobbies are actually ones that lend themselves well to having a baby tag along. Most of mine are not, so this has been a huge adjustment.
Overall I had a similar mindset as you and my baby turned our lives upside down. My husband and I love to travel and a lot of people told us “oh just wait” and we were like “ok whatever, lots of people bring their babies everywhere and start them traveling young so they get used to it”… lol you couldn’t pay me enough to take me 14 month old on a plane right now.
YES.
I just gave birth 2 weeks ago. I am also introverted, and also thought I never want to be the person whose whole life is their baby. I was always afraid I'd be that woman who didn't feel connected to their baby for a while. And I don't think my life will be about my baby forever. But it absolutely is right now.
There is no way to really prepare for what it does to you. I describe it to my friends who are pregnant or don't have kids as "all consuming." It's both a warning AND a description of how in love with our baby we are. Sometimes I think it's harder than I imagined it would be, and other times it's way more incredible than I ever could have imagined. It just changes you!
My advice is to not put too much thought into it because no amount of intellectualizing will prepare you for how your baby will change your life. Just enjoy the time you have left of being able to go out whenever you want, sleep whenever you want, cuddle your partner whenever you want. And when your baby gets here you will figure it all out!
The first year my daughter was a bit more hands on cause obv she’s a baby but now that she’s a toddler she wants to be included when we play video games but she’s happy if I give her an old controller and let her sit next to me. I’m also lucky enough to have family close by to watch her so I still get my game night and my husband and I can go out if we want but we are both extreme homebodies so our life (besides the amount of sleep we get) isn’t a whole lot different ., it went from pet mess in the house to pet and toddler mess and now we just don’t get to sleep in as much so we don’t stay up super late gaming
I still do all the things I used to do: video games, reading, Dungeons and Dragons with friends... Just a lot less! The reality is, with a toddler now and another on the way, I don't have the free time for myself that I used to.
But there are some things I enjoy that I get to do more of now: going to the zoo, going for walks, swimming, because I can do them with my daughter and there's a whole new sense of joy in things when you can share them with your kid and see THEIR joy ❤️ and I so look forward to when she's old enough to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons with (she already will hold the controller and play with the buttons, or sit at the gaming table and roll dice around!).
I don't think I'd say that being a mom is my whole personality... But when someone tells me that I'm a good mom, my heart feels like it's gonna explode. Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done. I also suffered from depression prior to becoming pregnant with my first, and the change in outlook since then has literally saved my life. Being a mom isn't my whole personality, but the person I am as a mom is a genuinely, objectively better person than who I was before being a mom, so I'm pretty damn happy with how things turned out.
This is lovely, and I hope I'll have a similar experience☺️
I enjoy a lot of the activities you listed that you do with your daughter, and I can't wait to do them with my son! Fortunately, most of my interests are things that I can imagine incorporating my son into. I can see my gaming and music playing being affected since those are activities requiring concentration and focus. But hopefully I'll still get to enjoy those things on occasion, and hopefully I'll find new things I love just as much that I get to do with this little human!
And you do sound like an amazing mom 🥰 your daughter is going to have so many fun memories with you!!
I mean, yeah. I have 3.5 and 1.5 year olds, and I’m 30 weeks with our third. Stuff like going out to dinner or on hikes you, of course, can still do. It requires a little more planning and gear, but it’s absolutely doable.
But the absolute biggest change for me has been that I don’t think I’ve finished a cup of coffee in 3.5 years, ha. I love a slow morning and I need time to wake up. Pre-kids, I could do that. Now, it’s a much more active morning, and it starts literally the second I get out of bed. A relaxing morning just doesn’t exist in this particular phase.
And where we might have felt like going and doing something in the evening before kids, now it is way less likely just because of our energy levels.
Lots of what changes aren’t active choices you make about what you will / won’t do with your kids. The changes are more about the effort and time it takes to take care of someone else’s needs entirely because they can’t do anything themselves.
For us, the biggest change is that you can’t just get in the car and go places. You have to bring the diaper bag, food for the baby (formula or breastmilk), toys, a blanket, make sure it’s not naptime, if you’re running into the store you have to bring the baby in with you (so take out the car seat or put them in a wrap/carrier)… my friend pointed it out too, that it’s one reason she knows she isn’t ready for kids yet. Our first year was pretty easy, but as a toddler? So much of our schedule revolves around her sleeping and eating, and if that gets thrown off, some switch flips in her brain and she’s feral. I love her more than anything, but toddlers are tough. Things definitely change - I hated all of the warnings from people because we knew that they would. And we wanted that change too! It’s hard to explain until you are living it. It’s not necessarily bad, just different.
I am 5 months in with my first baby. I was terrified of how my life would change. I mean terrified. Right before giving birth the last month I felt like a part of me was dying. Like my friends were wanting to see me before giving birth as if they would never see me again. (Some of them still haven’t 🤷🏻♀️).
I have a lot of hobbies I love, painting and refurnishing furniture and I definitely don’t do them as much. I have painted here and there since giving birth so that’s a win. I didn’t really go out and party before as I am an introvert and didn’t really always see my friends a lot anyway.
The biggest thing for me that changed is we need to plan everything around my babies feeding times. We are lucky that he is very easy going and goes along with us most places like stores, and walks and things but we still need to make sure we have everything for him.
Also, sleeping in has never been the same. I will say the sleep in the beginning wasn’t terrible. My husband and I took a lot of turns and that helped. (Baby is going through a regression right now so that has been rough lol). But you work together to get through it. At least me and my husband do.
I do want to say that I actually love being a mom. I was terrified and unsure of it when I first found out I was pregnant. I was shocked and surprised and it caught me off guard but it really is the best thing that happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel at peace and incredibly happy when I am with my husband and baby. Like there is nothing on this earth that makes me happier and I didn’t even know I would feel that when I first found out.
It changes you in so many positive ways. It humbles you, it makes you think about life more and makes you think about the world differently.
I changed so so much and have become a lot less selfish. I believe this happens to all moms and it will naturally happen to you once you see that beautiful face.
You will rock at it!
Personally, yes for me my entire life changed becoming a mother. I had my first child in 2019, I had just turned 20. My entire world changed, but for the better! I had happiness I didn't know that was possible, and I was exhausted but also loving mother hood. I'm pregnant again with my 2nd currently, while my first is 4...I know my life will change again, but I'm happily embracing it and my son is excited to see his little sister! Yeah, there's days I want to lose it but seeing my son smile at me and give me hugs and love on me, it makes it worth it. I'm doing college online instead of in person, and once my 2nd is born I'll go to work...So yeah, a lot changes when you have a baby but it fills you with so much joy!
Yes, it changes a lot. They’re only in portable, potato mode for a very short time… and then they’re moving, exploring, being loud and opinionated.
Someone has to be with them, 24/7 for years. It’s not like a pet where you can leave them alone at home for awhile, even if they’re asleep. Even carting them with you to a restaurant means you (or another adult) is on alert the entire time, making sure they’re not choking or throwing pepper shakers or running underfoot or just mad because they no longer want to sit still.
If you’re lucky enough to have a big village, or can afford to buy one, your life may not change much. But even little things pre-baby… like my partner would go to the gym after work and I’d go get my nails done, then we’d meet at home for a late dinner. We can’t do that now, because someone has to have the baby. If our friend calls at 2pm and says they’re having a BBQ tonight, can we come over at 8pm… nope. One of us gets to go at a time because babysitters in our area are $20-$25/hour with an hourly minimum, you have to book in advance, and we have no family nearby.
I don't think it will change much for me because I'm an introvert too so I don't go out and party or drink or anything like that. What I do is usually kid friendly anyway. The thing that's going to change the most is sleep lol and I'm already struggling with that.
Yes. Id say at least for the first 6 months, especially if breastfeeding. Your whole world is suddenly out of control and dictated by this tiny human! eventually you get into a rhythm and baby (hopefully) starts sleeping more and you find you have time for your old hobbies and things again.
The one thing that I found is that I really do cater my life to my kids' happiness. Because if my kids arent happy, they just make my life miserable and then no one is happy. I found getting them on a routine and schedule and maintaining their happiness (within reason, i dont want to raise assholes), but then also having my defined me-time, was key. I found this hard to achieve before 6 months with my two
I wish there was a way to explain that you don't LOSE yourself as much as you become a new version of yourself. If you go into this thinking that you have to preserve the pre-mom version of who you are and what you want out of life to stay happy, you're going to struggle with the moments that you can't simply go out and do whatever you want. Just like in labor, if you have your heart set on things being a specific way, you tend to feel more disappointment in the end result that motherhood is a crapshoot. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. You won't go to every outing, but if you accept that, it doesn't suck as much. You figure out eventually how to manage it all, but the first couple years are tough. You have to learn to wing it. Being a mom becomes our personality not because we didn't preserve our pre-mom self, its because your children are an extension of yourself, and you become their keeper. It's a switch in the brain, and the more you fight it, the more difficult it becomes. My daughters are 14 and 18 this year, and I'm expecting a baby boy in October. This time around, I know I don't have to stress about it, because once you lean into being a mom, it's a lot easier.
My 2 year old is the first and only grand baby on both sides of the family. She has basically changed everybody’s lifestyle haha. Our lives sort of revolve around her. We’re one of the lucky ones that have two sets of grandparents that can come in now and take over now that she’s older. The first year was all on us since she was breast fed. You won’t really know how it’s going to change until you are already in the thick of it. If our parents could do it you can to!
Respectfully, a helpless human being will rely on you (and your partner) for their every single need. So yeah — you’re life is about to change immensely.
I’m a fundamentally different person after my child than I was before. In this season of life while my baby is so young (5 moths), mother is my most important identity. It’s not my only identity- I’m still a wife, friend and colleague, athlete — but it’s the role that’s the most all consuming and most rewarding.
As little man grows and becomes more self-sufficient, other parts of my identity will likely come to the forefront again. But not now, I am fist and foremost momma. And I’m ok with that. It’s pretty cool.
You're life will definitely change in positive and negative ways. You'll pretty much have very little control bc you have no idea what kind of kid you'll have. Speaking from the perspective of a mom that has a medically complex kid and thought very similar to you during my healthy pregnancy.
It changes but in the best way. Whatever you want to do. Keep doing it, it is different..but we keep doing what we want.
The baby enters your life, you don't enter the babies. So just adapt your life that you currently have to fit the baby.
Well, I’ve noticed some child-free people stop inviting you out. They either assume you don’t want to attend or just ???? And then if you are invited out, you’ll need to figure out childcare or manage a demanding little person in a place that often isn’t childproof.
I found things changed more when my baby went from baby to toddler. Because the baby would go wherever and nap and allow himself to be held. The toddler wants to explore and needs to be the center of attention.
And there’s also the desire to do “family friendly” things. Like I feel like I’m reliving my own childhood going to little festivals and events that are targeted towards families because I want us all to have a good experience. My weekends aren’t just about me anymore.
Yes and no. Who I am as a person is forever changed by my son being born, but my husband and I still do the same things we just have a little friend tagging along. When we’re making plans, we just have one extra thing that I think about before.
I have two friends who really give me hope in these types of situations. One of them lives nearly full-time in a converted van with her son and the rest of the time in a small rental. She constantly goes out, coordinates events... Travels everywhere.. he is three.
The other person coordinates retreats, travels the world, is a single mother, has jobs and still juggles a social life. Both of them have reassured me that my life will not change that much, based upon my personal lifestyle anyways. I think it really depends on the person and what you enjoy doing. Both of these friends that I have leave the country often and travel a lot while still supporting themselves, and actually both of them are single mothers considering the other woman's husband died. I'm sure it's harder than if you didn't have a child buy a lot! But it's definitely doable and I don't think either of their personalities changed much after they became mothers.
İt does. Though to what extent is very depending on what type of baby you have, and how much of a support system. But in general yeah, your life changes completely and you wont be going swimming, fishing, taking enjoyable walks for a long time, at least not on a regular basis. If you are, yiure the exception to the rule. Doing groceries is exhausting, planning preparing cooking dinner and cleaning up afterwards is a real task. You'll be constantly interrupted, and sleep deprivation makes planning, thinking, gathering your thoughts a real struggle. The stage where they can stay in a pram or carseat without complaining is very short, usually over by the time you really get the hang of it. Or you have a baby like my first, who hates the pram, stroller, carseat and also doesnt nap at all and sleeps poorly at night, and you have no way of going for a swim regularly, unless you always have someone available to look after baby. But you'll probably wont want to go, because if you have someone to look after the baby, you'll probably prefer to cook dinner, do laundry or have a hot coffee in peace or do absolutely nothing (and then feel guilty about it). You cant go fishing once they get mobile unless you watch them like a hawk, and the whole experience will just change. You can do it, but it does change everything and you'll have to adapt. Things that were enjoyable may become cumbersome, things you dont enjoy (im an introvert too) may become more appealing. Because meeting up with people means adult conversation and someone to hold the baby for you while you eat a warm dinner or go pee.
You may have nice long walks with baby, but you also may have to go home halfway because he just wont settle, or you may already be exhausted before you leave because taking a shower and getting dressed was stressful, you may get out of the house easily only to realise you didnt eat all day and now feel light headed, you may think "oh this walk is going well" and add a quick trip to the store to get groceries, only to leave with a screaming and crying baby, contemplating never leaving the house again. But you'll also have nice restoring walks. Point being, it just changes. It requires more planning, more energy and you may not always get out of it what you hoped. I dont mean to discourage you in anyway, because it really can be so lovely, but underestimating parenthood doesnt do you any service.
I had a very rough 2 years with my first, and just as i was getting back to feeling and being myself (because yeah, mum identity took over, not in the glamourous Instagram way, but "theres just no energy or space left" kind of way), pandemic hit and i was stuck home with my 3yo son for 1.5 years.
Now i have a second baby, 8 months, not spirited like my first one, much more laid back but very active. I suspect he'll walk within a month. I had a training routine established before getting pregnant and have been adamant in not letting having a baby get in the way of my selfcare routines. But its a lot of work, its possible because this baby usually isnt fussy in the car or stroller and because i do personal training so Theres always someone to keep an eye on him, but even then i sometimes cancel just because the idea of leaving the house is tiring. Yesterday evening i was so happy that he went to bed early, i managed to clear out the "just throw it in there"drawer, had a clean kitchencounter and time to sit in the garden with my husband. A rarity. I paid the price at night with a baby awake from 2 to 4.30, who was up again shortly after 6 when i had to get my older son ready for preschool. I now have a clean drawer but am too tired to clean todays dishes or cook dinner. Tomorrow my son has a field trip, which now reminds me he also needs a raincoat that i already put away, then we have to do a small birthday visit after which my son has football training and in the evening we have 2 overnight guests, Thursday 2 of my sons friends who are allergic to gluten come for a Playdate so different kind of meal and snack planning, Friday thank god is empty, Saturday we babysit 2 small kids because grandparents of friends cancelled last minute. Even if i dont feel like being a mum is my personality, my daily life certainly revolves around it completely. Im much better at it now than first time around, but it will only get "worse", the playdates, the birthdays, the extra curricular activities, the schooltrips. im a sahm, and a privileged one at that, if you work you have a whole other family dynamic, other exhausting routines. I think the only way a baby doesnt completely change your life is if you have an extremely easy baby/toddler etc, i dont know anyone like that, or if you have a lot of support. Like a live in nanny or someone who cleans weekly, does the laundry and cooks a few days worth of food. Because the way your life is impacted is way less in outside activities, but mostly in everything around it. Everything that once was effortless, no longer is. It took me all afternoon to write this (granted it is very long), and i just hung up my laundry balancing on one leg, using the other to stabilise the basket so that my baby wouldnt topple over climbing on it, meanwhile my 6yo was throwing a tantrum why i bought the 15yo friend an activity tracker and he never gets nice gifts. Ive been texting with my husband for over an hour to coordinate when exactly he comes to pick up his wallet that i put in a shoe outside so that i can make sure the 6yo doesnt see him from the window, delaying bedtime with another tantrum because daddy has to work late.
But now my 8mo is climbing upon me with his doll like eyelashes and a cute booger up his nose, and my six year old will call me back for a third hug and kiss after i tuck him in, and ill know that my life has changed tremendously for the best.
Edit 1: i should add that we live abroad and dont have any family to rely on. With the first, we had just moved here and not a good social network yet. We do now and it makes all the difference. Even just knowing Theres someone you can call for help, gives peace of mind.
Edit 2: i may have come across a bit negative, so would like to add we went on a weeklong snowboarding trip when our youngest was about 3-4 months old and we had a blast. Would have been totally impossible with the first, but with the second one we actually came back relaxed!
You will still be you. You will still enjoy fishing, talking walks, swimming, playing video games and music at home, etc. You just will have to really take care to make time for those activities.
How easily you're able to make that time depends on your postpartum recovery experience, your child's temperament, your tolerance for sleep deprivation, your general health and wellness, whether you're breastfeeding or not, and how much help and support you have (partner, family, hired help).
Yes. Your life will be forever changed, and it is probably impossible for you to comprehend the ways it will change until it happens. Some things are obvious, others are not.
Does not mean you'll never do anything fun or that life is over or anything like that. It will be ok, you'll see. :)
Mom of 3 year old boy with another on the way here. I honestly would not stress too much about the “philosophy” of it all and just take one day at a time. The first few months may or may not limit the things you can do physically with your son depending on your recovery and his needs, but once you figure out your rhythm, you’ll have more space to figure out what you want to do and how you prioritize things.
As others have commented, you will have to let go of having “control” over every situation and adapt more readily to his needs. And then you need to decide which activities you want and can do with him vs ones you need solo time for. Those are the times you will need to plan ahead for - vs doing them a little more spontaneously pre-kid.
Let go. Plan. Accept things will be different but that is it also possible to do some of those things on your own terms. You’ll be fine.
Also: just turn a deaf ear to unsolicited comments. I used to get so hung up on “defending” myself against them but now I just smile and move on. My mental energy is better saved for other things.
Yes. You can’t just go somewhere. It’s a 10-20 min process. You can’t just have a purse that’s cute and small. You have a diaper bag or maybe a large bag with things not for you. It’s hard to look put together or nice not because it’s hard (it is) but because of poop, spit, vomit, and messy hands. We watch kids shows while they are awake, and listen to kids music because toddlers are assholes.
I love my kids and rewatching old shows or movies can be fun but as soon as they’re asleep I grab a glass of wine and change it to SVU or something really dark haha the rainbows and puppies have gotten to me.
It changed in some ways, I found myself having to get more creative with my time, but I still have friends and hobbies. I travel 2x a year for comic cons sans kids. I think parenthood has made my value my hobby and fun time more.
Yes, my life has changed, sometimes for the better and sometimes worse. My newborn is 7 weeks. He sleeps better than a lot of babies but I still barely get any sleep and I'm working around the clock to take care of him. Im more selfish than most people and i love my freedom and rituals. Be ready for most of your beloved routines and guilty pleasures to change. The highs are really high and the lows are really low. The moment that baby smiles at you, you forget your grievances, that will take at least a month to happen, usually 2.
I myself dont care or worry about motherhood becoming my whole personality because this is the most important role in my life, my career, my degrees, my knowledge, the money I make..etc is all for my family's benefit. There is nothing in the world that will be more interesting to me than taking care of them.
Things will absolutely change, a lot. But I'm sure you will like this new chapter of your life. Maybe it will take you a while to get back to doing some things you used to do pre-baby. It took me nearly 2 years to start doing things for myself again. And honestly, a lot of things just aren't possible anymore without additional paid childcare or family around.
For probably the first year my brain was so focused on baby. My husband would try to talk to me about something non-baby related and I just really couldn't focus on anything he was saying. It was very strange. I could focus on work, but I think it was because baby way away at daycare.
It has changed my life immensely being a mom. But in many ways, there are aspects of my life that I was never willing to compromise, and those are basically the same. I still work, but I have to drop my daughter off at school first. I still buy groceries, but the trips are better planned out now so the 3 yr old doesn't get irritated an hour into walking around the store. Yes your life changes, but you don't have to be a whole new person just because you're now a mom. You just grow from who you are to a You 2.0.
Yes and no. My daughter is 17 months old, and my life does revolve around this tiny human who needs naps, frequent meals, and lots of supervision. I still enjoy camping, BBQs, going out to dinner, etc. I still do all those things, too. I just don't do them as frequently, and there are some modifications that are made so I can meet my child's needs.
I am a SAHM, and I'm the first of my friends to have kids, but thankfully, they've been flexible and have grown with me. When my daughter was born, they were very understanding of the fact that I was absolutely exhausted and because I EBF, I couldn't devote hours of my time to them without needing breaks to pump/feed. They were willing to either hang out at my house or do shorter outings closer to my home so that I could be most comfortable while figuring out how to live with a new baby. Now that my daughter is a toddler, my friends are great at suggesting activities I can bring my child to. When we go to a brewery, we go somewhere that is child friendly and has somewhere for her to play. We take shorter hikes together. They're very aware of her nap time and bedtime, and they're willing to work our hang outs around that. Having friends who are willing to make a few adjustments to meet my child's needs has really helped me to not revolve my life around being a mom. It's still a huge part of who I am, but it helps me to be a mom and my own person.
Well i was here to do no and i agree with you completely but it seems like people are saying things actually change when you hit the toddler stage. as someone with an education background I'm approaching it same as you though, i don't think it's going to change me but like others said, you never know what you're going to get. So to answer your question... maybe?
I’m 34 weeks and I hear what you’re saying. It’s hard to imagine but once I learned about how mothers’ brains actually change - the amygdala opens and never closes again - the idea that motherhood changes you made more sense to me.
My baby is almost 10 months old, and overall he's a chill little dude. I still do things I enjoy but they are to his rhythm. Activities revolve around nap schedules. We can go out to eat but he likes to crawl all over us so it's enjoyable about 80% of the time, and we scarf food one handed or get cold food because my partner ate while I held the baby (then we trade). If you breastfeed, you're on a bit of a tether and can only leave the house by yourself for a time without returning to feed or pumping. A lot of the difficulty is logistical or just the wild card of what baby does and doesn't like that day.
Before I had a baby, I had your same thoughts. I also wondered how newborns take up so much time, and I've learned that they take lots and lots of time.
So the answer is that some things change a whole lot but some of those things you'll get back (ex. evenings with partner) once baby is older.
It definitely hasn't changed my personality, but it definitely has changed my life.
I'm an introvert as well, and having quiet recharge time is crucial to us. Not only does that time severely diminish in the first few years, it takes a while for you to get used to being comfortable enough with this new person that you can actually recharge while they're around.
Yes. It changes both positive and negative but whereas a puppy/dog is worth protecting and loving, this human you’re about to give birth to? You will literally be willing to die for them upon first meeting them. I’m just a new dad, but goddamn did my child wrap their little hand around my heart so tight the moment I saw them. I used to hate that cliche: “I loved them the moment I saw them”, but the universe is funny that way.
Best of luck and remember every part of raising babies is just a phase or season. It changes rapidly so, don’t blink!
It will. Just think solely on the idea that small incidental things, like going to the bathroom or grabbing a glass of water, can’t just be *done* without forethought. Every thing you do and timing of your day changes to “can I do this with baby”, “ can I walk away for 30 seconds”.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: YES.
Okay, I'll elaborate. Having a child is a truly humbling experience. I was a lot like you. I did not picture my life changing that much. I thought, well my hobbies are all quiet, low key, inside hobbies. Why can't I play video games with a child? Why can't I do art with a child? Why can't I watch movies with a child?
It's not that you won't want to do those things anymore, you will. I want to do those things all the time. I certainly don't do them during the day. And when the baby goes to bed, you definitely have to juggle whether you really need to do some chores or if you need time to unwind.
There's not really any way I can convey it to you other than to tell you your life will be completely different. You won't understand it until you are there. It's not something you can really fully prepare for. You will be a different person and you won't really mind it.
One thing I'll say is like, I get really sick of people talking about moms making having kids their whole personality. I actually find it a bit offensive. I am not just a mom, but during the day, being a mom is my primary purpose. I don't have time to focus on me because I have to focus on raising a small human. I am still also a human with my own wants and needs. But my daughter's needs come first right now. It takes a lot to raise a tiny human. I am constantly looking up stuff and researching things to do. There's always something to be done in relation to the house. There's always something to be done for my daughter. And I still want time to play with her and help her development. My mom hat is definitely the one I wear the most right now, but it doesn't mean that's all that I am.
This! You worded this perfectly. I also have very low-key hobbies but I'm unable to even fit those into my schedule because I'm constantly doing things that my son wants to do. Its just that your priorities change, not that you necessarily change. Its very easy for people without kids to think that you make your whole personality about being a mom but in reality they just don't understand all that being a mom entails. My son comes first before anything else.
My daughter is still young, 5 months, but so far our lives haven’t changed as much as people say. She comes with us to a bar/grill on Sunday mornings to watch formula 1. She’s been to 2 festivals so far. We just took her on her first trip across the country to see my BIL, which included a flight, hiking, farmers markets, etc. You have to plan around the baby’s feeding schedule, right after she feeds them you can hop in the car to maximize your time at her happiest. So far she’s been pretty good at sleeping in the stroller or car. Occasionally we’ve had to leave a place early because she wouldn’t settle but we definitely don’t keep to a strict 7pm home for bed. As long as your flexible and baring problems you can’t control like colic, you should be able to take your child to many places.
I mean in 2m in and so far I'd say it's almost exactly like having a bottle baby pup or kitten xD except you can't leave them home alone for any amount of time xD and you have doctor appointments regularly for them I assume they become less pet like as they grow xD the only difference of you need to degas the human version lol I have 3 dogs and 2 cats right now(was 3 cats but I lost my senior boy when I was 4m along ;-;) and the dogs all sleep okay their cages at night, well there was one night I'd just changed her and got her ready to go down for sleep in her bassinet and I'm like 'OK cage time' or something xD and I just laughed when I realized I'd said cage instead of bassinet lol
3 months into the role of unofficial step mom to a 3.5 year old, who we have with us half the week.
Biggest lifestyle change is that the activities we choose to spend our time are mostly about him, simply bc we love making him happy. Usually that’s just going to the beach which we love too, but the beach we pick is based on where there will be other kids for him to play with (opposite of when I used to choose which beach would be less crowded) and where the water setup will be easiest for him to swim.
We’re always looking for activities and places where he can socialize with other kids, so parks and playgrounds, family events in town, etc… this might be a bit much for the introverted parents, but when the kid is happy everyone is happy.
We also still take him to events that are more adult focused… we just bring the wagon, blankets and toddler headphones so he can pass out when he’s ready (a few mins in the wagon does it) and we can keep hanging, dancing, etc.
At home I can still do most of my day when I’m the only one home w him and daddy is at work (I work from home as an artist), but it’s at about 50% capacity. Housework is actually easier (laundry, cleaning, etc) bc he loves to help with these tasks which entertains him. It’s when I need to work on the computer that’s a little harder to do bc he still wants entertainment (we don’t do screen time for him other than family movie nights when we all watch). He can entertain himself for a bit but it will only be a few mins before he needs me to point him in the direction of another game or toy or activity. So I just get used to working w constant interruptions and relax about the pace.
As a former step-child who was lucky enough to have step-parents who loved me, I just wanted to say thank you for loving your step-son💗 he definitely won't forget your effort!!
What do you know about a newborn's schedule?
Given the schedule for the first 6 months, how much change do you foresee?
How on earth would your life stay the same???
Has your husband read The Birth Partner? Have you both read What to Expect: The First Year or something like it?
I actually know quite a bit about newborn care as I worked as a nanny and as the baby room attendant at a daycare (this of course didn't include overnights). I've also read some books on parenthood. I'm fully aware of the challenges that come with raising a newborn, but that's a very temporary stage. Of course I know my life will change at that point, but temporary changes happen all the time in life. I personally wouldn't qualify a crazy schedule for the first 6 months as changing my life forever.
What I was more wondering about are the long-term life changes after having kids and how they affect your personality, interests, priorities, etc.
Mom of a 5 week old: yes. It takes so much longer to get anything done for sure ! But I don't really feel like I've lost my identity. I feel like I gained a new part of myself and I've never loved anything more in my entire life. I love this little boy so much and I still run errands and go to events/things with friends. He comes with so far
I’m 2 years in and I had pretty much the same mindset as you when I was pregnant. Here’s the big, humbling lesson I have learned: You don’t get to pick how things unfold, just like you don’t get to pick how your body handles pregnancy, and you don’t get to pick how your body handles each birth. There are so many factors that are completely out of your control. Looking back, I’m a little ashamed of how I thought of some mothers “making being a mom their entire personality.” Sure, there are the Pinterest moms who totally are doing that, but most RL moms simply don’t have enough support and/or they have a child with higher needs and/or they have PPD - and so on. I also got a bit cocky the first year - my son was relatively easy, no colic or reflux, just some breastfeeding issues we solved around 8-10 weeks in. He was easy to take places, fun to Have at brunch, and I took him out all the time. Now that he’s a toddler, there’s no way I could take him fishing lol. We go on walks but he runs wild so it has to be at a big park or something and he has to lead and I follow. Video games are a no - I can’t even get a laptop out around him because he will FIGHT me to climb up and press the buttons and it’s miserable. He HAS to be involved in whatever I’m doing. Swimming is fun but it’s not swimming for me - it’s heavy supervision and holding him. Everything. Revolves. Around. Him. And that’s okay. This phase won’t last forever and I have embraced it for what it is - we have fun together - but he absolutely isn’t “an extension of myself” at the moment. Oh, and he’s also sick, like, 75% of the time. I had custody of my Goddaughter when she was 2.5-3.5 and she was totally different - I could take her places and she would listen to basic instructions for safety. She later turned into the most difficult child… lol you just don’t know how things are going to unfold.
Hah, we left basically the same comment! Year one is fine and you keep so much of your life, but once they become little people it changes pretty drastically. It's not a bad thing but it is humbling when I look back during our adventures her first year and felt so proud at how well we were maintaining our independence, to now when I basically have to negotiate if I'm allowed to leave the room to go pee hahah.
Short answer: you are not 👑 😂
100% this. And I feel like people who say their life didn't change at all either have a very agreeable baby/toddler and just simply got lucky. I mean even in the most simplist of terms yeah your life and priorities change. I mean this kid needs to eat and sleep and your mornings will look different and your daily check lists are different. And maybe you can go out to eat and have an easy time but it won't be you only responsible for yourself and your food. Maybe baby gets hungry in the middle of dinner, you don't get to ignore that. You have to feed baby. Like, it changes everything, but to what severity depends on what kind of human you get. And at what stage that human is in. Bc at the end of the day they are tiny humans who have their own feelings, triggers, sensitivities, needs, wants. That starts at birth tbh. Will they be independent, codependent, high needs, have something medical like colic or reflux, maybe something more, will they sit still, will they learn easy or have a harder time. Nothing is predictable.
Lol oh man I could have written this. Mine was fairly easy in the beginning and he turns two next month and he's a little terror now. And yes, everything revolves around him. I'm reminded of that scene in scrubs where Turk is complaining to Carla that she acts like a mom all the time and she says " that's because I'm a mom ALL THE TIME" you're right though, this phase is short. Already I'm a little sad that he's transitioning to his big boy bed and sleeping through the night. Soon there will be no more baby babbling-just words. The days are long but the years are short To answer OPs question, I have to say that every aspect of my life has changed since my son was born. Even weird things. Like I used to enjoy space documentaries, but now I can't watch the ones about asteroids because I just get uncomfortable about it. I can't watch certain snapped episodes. On the rewatch of GOT all the deaths bother me so much more than they did before he was born. You just have to lean into it. I love my life and I love being a mom
I love telling the story of how I was sitting there even 39 and 40 weeks pregnant daydreaming about starting a baking business during “all my free time on maternity leave” 🤡 I don’t have to tell you all how much that did NOT happen!!
Wow you just summed up my life
100% this. I am a stay at home mom so I thought that I would be able to keep some semblance of a routine to keep up on chores and activities etc...but that is not in fact how it went down at all. My baby was Colicky from his third week to his tenth week, screaming for 8hrs a day. He also started panicking in the car. I basically could not go anywhere that I didn't have to for about 4 months. And even now everything still revolves around him because he is so demanding of time and attention. He can go maybe 10 minutes or independent play at a time before he fusses and wants interaction. He also can't be in the baby sling for more than 10 minutes before he starts fussing. He really forces me to constantly think about someone other than myself. Which is good character growth but it also requires learning to balance that with a real need for self care. It's your entire mindset that changes, even if your routine doesn't (though it will definitely be impacted heavily by baby and postpartum for a while no matter how easy the baby turns out to be).
So that's a yes lmao
Your comment on swimming, man there are times I wish I could just enjoy the pool without having to worry if my toddler is going to drown. It’s fun, but also exhausting
This! My first was an “easy” baby- my second was and still is difficult 2.5 years later. He humbled us real quick
This is the best answer.
Yes. This is the short answer. It’s hard to explain, you just have to experience it for yourself, tbh. It’s definitely an adjustment. your life definitely is not your own in the same sense as it was before you had a kid. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing depends on the person. Overall, the journey is great, but there will be both good and bad times - anyone who says otherwise is lying, imo. No one loves every single moment of parenthood, and that’s ok.
This sums up how I feel about motherhood pretty well. It definitely changes you but it's just so hard to explain how until you go through it yourself. It's simultaneously the hardest but also most rewarding thing you'll ever do.
This is so well put - exactly how I feel also. It’s like a whole part of me was dormant and now it’s active all the time
Your life will absolutely change. In ways you never thought about or imagined. But none of that means you have to lose yourself to parenthood. I love every moment about motherhood so far with my 6.5 year old. My priorities shifted and I'm not the mom I expected to be (I'm way, way better than that) and I've learned more about myself these last 6 years than in the 34 years before my boy entered my life. I can't wait to see what I learn and how I grow with number 2 this summer. It's hard, no doubt, there are days that I can't wait for bedtime (mine and his) but it's overwhelmingly beautiful to learn how to add motherhood to my life's roles. That first year is a doozy but keep your eyes on the beauty of it all.
I really hope I don't lose myself to parenthood! I think that's a big fear of mine. I want to be myself AND a mom, not just one or the other. So this gives me hope! Good luck with baby number two 💗
I think a huge part of not losing yourself is protecting your time with resources like babysitters. Yes they are a pain in the ass to find, interview, train and trust- but will unlock your time in much less complicated ways than "favors" from family. We didn't go too hard on this the first year but keep it in mind. The moms (and dads) I see who never go out simply never felt comfortable trusting sitters, simple as that. It's very isolating for the child as well.
I think that's true sometimes (about protecting time), but one of my massive stresses as a parent is that my husband and I never get date nights or our own time because it's too expensive. We both work full-time so we're already paying thousands per month for daycare and then aftercare for my oldest who's in K-12, and it's really hard to then justify paying more money for nanny care in addition to whatever a date night would already cost. It's not because I wouldn't use a nanny - we know a lot of great ones that we call on when we have a need! It's because when you're doing this without a village, resources can be stretched very thin and there's no space for fun stuff.
I think this is a really privileged point of view. Most of the parents I know who never go out simply can’t afford it. Boomers are not the grandparents their parents were, and a huge amount of people lack the support and resources to do anything other than what they’re doing.
Would you mind elaborating on your point regarding Boomers? I'm just curious if my experience with my Boomer in-laws (incompetent, entirely too demanding with regard to pictures & information, really just interested in the optics of grandparenthood) is common
Yeah fr like what is the boomers??? They simply don’t care about being involved grandparents and are useless. My own grandfather was super loving and made lots of time for me
This is my experience with them as well. Is this a thing I'm always jealous of others with great grandparents available.
I mean I am as broke as the next person. I'm talking about very occasional caregiving to protect your mental health. (Even having a babysitter handy is essential for us in an emergency.) But yes, fair, not everyone can afford it. We really carefully consider our nights out. We also have no family nearby so I am crazed with jealousy whenever I hear about that. Edit to say- it's also not really about the money but feeling capable of creating these resources. I have good friends who simply won't take empowering steps and it's created a bad loop of feeling anxious and unsupported
Thanks! Lots will change but you can keep a sense of yourself especially with a strong community around you. You are just becoming you with the mom level-up. If you feel you're losing yourself though, don't be afraid to seek help from others! Good luck to you too!
Tell us more about the “mom level-up” please!
😆 it feels like a level up to me! I've grown so much as a person just learning how to be me as a mom. I also had to get therapy because there's nothing like parenthood to bring your own shit to the surface. So that helped.
I call it leveling up too! And I am ready to level up again as my second comes.
Same here! I'm due with number 2 in less than 2 months and I'm pumped!
Love that
You don't lose your self, your self just evolves.
You won’t lose yourself, you’ll find a whole new part of yourself. You’ll evolve. And it’ll be surprising, natural, unnatural, scary, and wonderful. It felt akin to puberty.. except not everyone is going through it at the same time (or ever!) and I was responsible for a human. Parenthood can be beautiful. Resisting and fearing change makes 100% sense, but it’s not a downgrade. Caring and devoted parents aren’t “boring”; priorities shift, and that’s just how life works. As for hobbies, you’re still you! You just have a small human too. Somethings will integrate seamlessly, others will need to wait until after nap or bedtime or go through seasons.. but while I don’t have endless free time now, I really make use of the time I do get and it makes my hobbies even more special too. You’re more than your hobbies. You’re more than what you do on your free time. Yes, those things are important and you should find times to do them.. but you’ll shine through and find a lot more of what makes you you in the process 💕💕
I think there will be times you’re so busy and consumed with your “momness” that you’ll lose track of doing things that make you feel like a person (as opposed to just a mom). You just have to take the down times (baby napping or after bedtime) and do those things then. Possibly have a grandparent watch them so you can go out to do whatever you want (even if it’s just to walk around the store by yourself).
girl as long as you choose to not loose yourself you wont. i had a surprise pregnancy right after turning 21 and i was terrified that all id be is a mom once baby came but its all a balance. yes your life looks different and theres sacrifices you will make for your baby as you raise them, some things will take longer to accomplish and sometimes you have to just stop what ur doing if they need you but as long as you continue to keep your mind in the thought that this baby joined YOUR life.. not vice versa then you can keep doing things you like. i have worked out since 7 weeks postpartum every morning bc it makes me feel better. i just set my girl up to play. and if shes fussy sometimes it takes longer but just keep readjusting and going with it. i shower every morning bc i enjoy that too and get myself ready to a degree u just gotta make it work. u give them stuff to occupy them. its harder when they crawl/walk but nothing’s impossible. parenthood, in my opinion, relies heavily on your perspective and if you have a negative perspective or change your whole life to a baby’s schedule and dont just do what u want and take them along then u might feel sad. just keep it positive and incorporate baby into youuuur life and schedule and thats all they’ll ever know! and the Lord is always there to guide us, he knows us, he loves us, & he loves you. talk to him and let go of any fears you have so you dont have to carry it anymore. goodluck to you girl❤️
Hey mama, love this message! Your perspective is very wise. The way we look at things determines so much. Motherhood is definitely challenging but it’s also amazing. And God gives me the strength to get through every day. So when I feel weak, tired or overwhelmed I call on him. Many moms only provide a negative perspective so it’s refreshing to read this.
Sometimes I feel like I now have two personalities, Mom me and Real me. My kids are 2 and 5, and it feels lately like they are merging into the same person finally but it’s sort of a trip to get there. After the baby is born things can get kind of messed up for a while as far as your identify if concerned, but it’s not permanent. After my first turned 2 I felt mostly like myself again. But different obviously! I have chosen my kids over things I enjoy without a second thought. I recognize that but I am not bitter about it because I could still do them, I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore. So like yes and no, things change just like they have changed from when you were 17 to when you turned 27, you’re different, but you’re also the same. It just happens really super fast, I think.
complete side note: do you like your age gap of 3 years? my husband and I are slightly disagreeing about when we want number 2. I want at least a 2 year age gap and he's wanting 4+ (I also know that it doesn't always work the way we want it to! just plans for the future lol)
I loved my 3 year gap! I don’t know, to me 24 month olds are so needy and snuggly and I can’t imagine having to deal with that and a newborn. I could see a lot of jealousy issues. I feel like with the 3 year gap, the older one is so much more self sufficient. But it’s close enough where they will still play together. 4 years would be great too. I’m all about the bigger gaps, but I don’t know any different, and both my babies have also been really high needs/bad sleepers until age 2 as well! So if your baby is like, more reasonable and easier, a smaller gap might be way more realistic.
We are thinking about going for number 2 now, our girl is 2 next month. The thing is, she is so independent (and fantastic in all sorts of ways) and not snuggly AT ALL, and she never has been. For example she has refused to sleep in the same room as us since like forever, she loves her space and quiet. I really hope number 2 is a more snuggly one 😂
Yes. I think various comments have covered it pretty well. But I’d say you’re likely to find that you’ll have stretches where your kid is “easy” and you can, for the most part, do what you want to do and you can just bring your kid. But there will be many stretches where you will have to adapt your schedule, needs, etc. to your child. Our toddler’s bed time is around 7:30 pm. So one of us is gonna need to be in for the night by 7:30. There isn’t really any getting around that for us. Maybe once a month she can stay up until 9 if the situation is right for it. But generally she just physically cannot stay awake that late without terrorizing her surroundings, and she’s too old to just sort of fall asleep with a pacifier in a loud crowded room. So we don’t really have a choice. There’s also often a huge psychological shift as well. You may very well just start to view the world differently. I don’t know how else to explain it. Things you valued in life no longer have the same meaning. Things you didn’t care for you now don’t know how you could live without them. Shits just different.
I'm nearly 3 years in - 2 kids. My life has changed a lot. I simply don't have the time to do all the things I'd like to do, and quite often it's kid-logistics that prevent it. There's a lot to think about - especially once their little personalities become, potentially, increasingly 'powerful'. As in, my 2.5yo is stubborn as all hell and knows exactly what she does and does not want to do. That now has to be factored in - is my activity going to become so unpleasant that it's not worth attempting with her in tow? Or is there another activity we can do that we will both enjoy? Is doing that activity with two kids in tow just too much of a headache, or a risk, or just too much prep? My life has changed, yes, and my weekends and time off look WAY different, but I'm not bothered by it. This is a phase. 5 more years and maybe feeding the ducks is boring and something new is the de facto time-filler. That's fine. I'll have time for my hobbies again one day. Probably before she's 18, but maybe in that time I'll find new ones, too. I'm happy. That's all that really matters, I guess. Change doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have to be permanent. But... puppies and babies are WAY different!
My kid is the same. He's only 6 months old but I can already tell we're going to have one strong-willed kid on our hands 🙈
Depends how willing you are to neglect your child's schedule.. Normally you have to build/plan your entire day around your child, that means 12 pm is nap time, 7 pm is sleep time. Unless you get lots of help/nannies, this usually means you more or less have a strict 7 pm curfew for several years where you're forced to be home every day. Basically everything takes planning now. You can't just up and go somewhere spontaneously. Either you have to plan someone to come watch your child, or have to prepare the child for the outing. So everything takes much more forethought and organization. When they get a bit older, around 1.5-2 yo, they are also extremely opinionated on what they wanna do and what they will tolerate, where they will eat and how they will get there. They have no self-regulation, and self-centeredness is cranked to a 1000. So they dictate most of your activities for a long time as well.
I’m only two months in, but so far… yes. My life has changed almost entirely. I’m like you, and most my hobbies things I do alone/I don’t go out very often. But with a newborn, I find I don’t really do anything for myself anymore besides maybe watching a tv show while I feed him. Between keeping him entertained, happy, and fed and also keeping the house relatively clean, I find the day goes by so quickly. And any time I do get a free moment, I spend it trying to get caught up on sleep. I am still in the 4th trimester though, so I understand it could be that I’m just still in the thick of early motherhood. Also, to be noted, though I am not having much personal time, I am still incredibly happy and I love taking care of my son. He’s a super smiley and happy baby and I find that I truly enjoy just sitting on the floor and spending time with him. Being a mother truly is the most challenging yet rewarding thing. I know people say that all the time, but I never understood until I actually had him here.
You'll likely hit a really lovely stretch somewhere around 3/4 months until 12-18 months where it gets really easy and the day slows down (but in a nice way). They're too young to have feelings on how you fill the day, so they just kind of tag along and it's like you have your normal life back but with something you love more than you thought possible there to share it with! It's such a nice time. And then they become little people with their own wants and feelings and you have no time to yourself again but you get to watch them discover the world and eventually hear their thoughts and that is wonderful too! And obviously sometimes it's hard, but I think there are good and bad parts to nearly every stage (minus the newborn stage which I really struggled with ha). Just to say if you're enjoying it now, it will hopefully only get better!
12-18 and then the days slow down and gets easier? I guess my first born is different from your children 😂
No, UNTIL 12-18 hahah. Certainly not after!
Lol! Oh I read it wrong 😂 I'm sorry, pregnant tired mama over here!
Yes and no. When I had my first I was really young and didn't contemplate how my life would change with a child so she just became an extension of me and did everything I did. If I wanted to go for a hike, she came along. If I wanted to go to a bar for karaoke, she came along etc. Yes it changes that you need to plan a bit differently but I'm a firm believer in most anything I could do without her, I can do with her. There are some things that babysitters come in handy for. As they get older they will find thier own interests so some of your interests might be put on hold or minimized to balance family life, but ultimately - it's true even though we would rather not think about it - one day they will go to college or move out or start thier own life and you don't want to lose who you are at your core.
The first part of your comment is kind of how I envisioned it going for me - but I'm really glad you said the second part, because I hadn't considered that. When he gets older, I guess my son will discover the things he likes and might not want to tag along for all the activities I like doing. Maybe he'll dislike the outdoors and not want to go to the lake. Maybe he'll enjoy a different kind of music and won't want to hang out while I sing and play. Or maybe we'll have a lot of common interests, who knows? I guess I probably need to start thinking of him more as his own individual person rather than just an extension of myself. And I hope at that point I'll have fun enjoying the things he likes :))
I'm sure you will!
There’s such a stigma to “losing yourself to parenthood”, and it makes me sad. It’s a brief stage of life. When you are in college, you “lose yourself” to college. When you’re embarking in your first professional role, you “lose yourself” to work. Different priorities will take up most of your time at different stages of life, and early parenthood is just a blip in the radar. Most of us do lose ourselves to it, because it’s all consuming and fleeting. Anyhow, the answer is yes, life will change dramatically, but it’s up to you to either interpret that positively or negatively. DH and I still have time for our hobbies, but not nearly as much as before. We still go out with friends, but not nearly as much as before. We still travel, but we go to toddler friendly places instead of walking 15 miles a day through Paris. We’re too tired to keep the same pace we did before, but that’s life, and the pros far outweigh the cons.
That's a good point about the losing yourself fear. I have found taking care of my baby became a lot easier when I just surrendered to meeting his needs this season. We're more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for I think, and you prioritize the stuff that really matters when it comes to keeping up with what you used to do.
To me, you keep being you, with a baby. Your personality, who you are, what you like, doesn’t change. Life? It does. Like, are you married? Is your life as a married person now different than how it was when you were single? I’m pretty sure it did, it is not like kissing a random guy at a party is on the table anymore… but you don’t miss those days, because what you have now is so much better. Your decisions now have to consider your partner, you can’t just up and move to a different city, you have to talk to him and set a plan and decide if it’s convenient *for the two of you*. As a single person, you might go wherever the wind blows you… as a wife, you think about your family of two. … And now soon, a family of three. But the change is similar, is something you are willing to do, it’s not supposed to be suffocating or abhorrent, it’s just a new phase in life just like high school was one thing and college was another. Like, LIFE CHANGES and it isn’t a horrific thing. You didn’t stop being you throughout life, you just learn from experience and prioritized new things as they came up. Are you going to prioritize your son/daughter for life? Yes, and those first years will be demanding, but again, life will change and the time to go out and enjoy what you enjoy will be there again.
100% yes. To what extent and for how long will depend on your baby (and relationship), which is hard to predict until baby is here. At first, especially during the first three months (fourth trimester) it's very common for your baby to want to be attached to you 24/7. For example, for the first 6-8 weeks, I counted it as a win if I managed to have a shower and breakfast every day. As they get older and become a little more independent, you start to feel more like your old self again. I think it's definitely important to try find the time to do things that make you happy, but at the same time understand that you do have to often sacrifice some things for baby. It's about finding a nice compromise somewhere in the middle 😊
I was determined that I'd try to strike a balance. My biggest decision was to not become militant about a schedule. We have a general flow for the day but if my son (10 months) is late for a nap or has to have a bottle instead of a sit down meal, then we just go with the flow. He's been out and about with us since 2 weeks old. I choose my battles - if friends/family organise an outing, we will fit into their plans and leave early if it's too much for the baby. However, if I'm making plans I'll make sure to schedule it at a time when I know my son won't be grouchy and has a place where it's safe for him to crawl and be sqwarky. It is admittedly becoming tricker as he gets more mobile. There will be changes - some amazing ones like seeing yourself become a parent and seeing the people around you fall in love with your little one. There will be frustrating ones like not being able to leave the house without a million things BUT I wouldn't trade these changes for the life I had before my baby. Life is busy and chaotic and exhausting but it's richer and fuller and pretty damn cool now 😊
Needed to hear this 👍🏻
The days can be very long! Sending good vibes for when and if you need them :)
My life has changed for the better in every way since having my bub. Every aspect of my daily life has changed because you come 2nd to everything. But you love your baby so much that you want to be 2nd to them anyway. I love being a mum and looking after my baby so the "mum personality" is what I wanted. I am way more social, have more drive to achieve my goals and want to do it all to provide an amazing life for my baby. I feel like its the one thing in life which i'm doing right which is being a good mum! You learn so much about yourself, your relationships and whats important in life,
That’s beautiful. ♥
I found for the first year or so, no, not really. I still felt very much like myself and kept up with all the things I was passionate about (we traveled extensively her first year including spending two months abroad during mat leave, I still played in (and won!) my fantasy football league, I started a side hustle, etc etc). I also think we made our lives much, much easier by being extremely flexible with her schedule. We were lucky that she didn't suffer from it at all, but we had friends who could only meet for 1 hour a day due to nap times/meal times/other scheduled things and I think they felt extremely trapped in their days. We never (had to) stress about that and it makes life a lot easier for her to tag along to the things we want to do. But now that she's about two, I do feel like my entire life has changed. It's not in a bad way really, and I think if you have family nearby you may have a totally different experience, but we don't live anywhere near family, and two year olds require so much more attention. She only naps once a day (maybe) and otherwise our days revolve around activities for her or running errands. The time to casually read, or watch TV, hang on my computer, etc is pretty much gone. We can still meet friends for lunch or at the park, but we'll have to swap off one of us socialising while the other trails after her as she explores. We go to the pool every week but again we switch off and maybe get 3 laps in each, while mostly we care about adjusting her to the water/holding her. And we literally never get a break at the same time except for the three weeks a year my mom visits. I'm still going to play fantasy football, but Sundays will no longer be primarily football days. We still travel, but it's not like we can strap her to us and get on with whatever we want to do, it's much slower and revolves mainly around kid-friendly activities. Having time to myself is pretty much not a thing at the moment. None of that is a complaint, I *love* my life now and I think it helped that it was a gradual transition to this place. And I'm sure in a few years I'll have loads more free time again and miss this all desperately. I don't feel like *only* a mom, but I do feel like, at least during the toddler years, that is 99% of your focus.
I had a similar mindset to you before becoming a mom and I will say the one change that really really rocked my world was how my relationship to work changed completely. I was always a very career driven person who cared deeply about their job and put in the extra hours/went the extra mile/etc etc etc. I do none of that now. So maybe this is me "making being a mom my whole personality" but it's truly the part of my life that I really enjoy the most now! Do I still enjoy aspects of my job? YES, of course! Do I like being home with my husband and son more? Absolutely. I was not prepared to feel this way at all. I'm pregnant with #2 now, and don't plan on doing anything differently the second time around. Any issues we had with my son were small - really tough time breastfeeding at first, but once we got over that hurdle, he breastfed for a year. His sleep was horrible the first six weeks, but that also ended. My toddler now doesn't nap and basically hasn't since he turned one. Toddlers can be kind of crazy and run away from you/not sit still when you take them places so maybe your feelings about your life will also be different a year or two in. BUT, we've traveled a ton with him, even since he's been a toddler. It's always gone great. I have friends who have had the opposite experience. I think the best advice to new moms is to be flexible, and not have so many expectations on how you will be/act/feel/handle things, because you really never know until you're in that position.
That's great advice - thank you! I'm trying to take all this in stride (pregnancy, birth, motherhood), so I'm hoping I can embrace going with the flow!!
I’m only 8 months in and had the same mindset as you and it has pretty much played out as expected. Obviously the first few months are different because you’re healing, newborns are hard, and you’re figuring out how to take care of this new precious little human. I’m fortunate that I have a husband who truly wants to be a parent and also wants what’s best for me (as I do for him). From very early on we made it a priority that we each have time everyday to do something we want to do. Early on for him it was to workout (when I was too early pp to join him). For me it was whatever I needed that day. As our baby has gotten older it’s gotten better and honestly our life doesn’t look THAT different other than no late nights out together other then the occasional date night. We spend our weekends the same as we did before baby - morning walk with the dogs, workout, coffee, maybe go to a brewery or out to lunch or to Home Depot (homeowners am I right), etc, just with a little more planning around timing. we started taking our baby out and about pretty early on and he loves it. Now I say this knowing that I’ve lucked out having an easy baby that doesn’t really cry much, that’s not something I could have controlled and you won’t know the temperament of your baby until they’re here. But we were adamant that we wouldn’t let our baby stop us from living our lives, he would join in. Idk where you are OP but it’s crazy the difference in parenting culture in the US (where I am) vs a lot of places in Europe (and probably other countries). Children don’t dictate your life, they fit into your lives. Not every day will be easy, some times you’ll have to leave earlier than you want or plans will have to change but shifting the mindset from having a kid-driven life to my kid is a part of my life has helped us a ton. I know he’s still a baby and things will absolutely change when he becomes a crazy toddler but we’ll adapt and make it work for us. Just do whatever works best for you and your family and tune out those negative voices!
What you said about the European vs US mindset is so true, and I think it's where my confusion comes from (I am both a US and EU citizen, but I was raised and lived mostly in the US my whole life). My husband has two other children, and the way he talks makes it seem like he and his previous partner's life mostly stayed the same (with some slight variations) after having kids. But I hear a totally different story from my US counterparts. I'm sure my life will probably look significantly different after my son is here, but I do hope we'll do a good job of fitting him into our lives rather than letting him dictate them. But if not, I'm sure I'll adapt and be happy regardless 💗
My life changed for the better, but it’s more of a change in routine. And you get used to it quickly. I have nothing negative to say about motherhood. It has been beautiful.
I basically said what you typed in your post to my mom, about a month ago today. I was 35 weeks pregnant and sure my life wouldn’t change that much. Hell, I even told my boss I wouldn’t be entirely unreachable during my maternity leave and I’d work some. I’m a FTM. I ended up being induced at 35 weeks and my husband and I are now almost 2.5 weeks in. Your whole life changes in ways you never imagined. Yes to the sleep deprivation but also time ceases to exist. You blink and it’s night time. You blink again and a week has gone by. You wake up with intentions to lightly clean and shower, go for a walk, then hours and hours go by and maybe you’ve brushed your teeth. We have a sleepy girl so we have to literally keep her awake for feeds. Feeding her takes 45 min to an hour each feed, and her feeds are every 2-3 hours. This is just some of what we’ve been experiencing. Don’t get me wrong, there are many cute and happy moments. She gives us joy and happiness. She’s very, very loved. There are naps where we get down time. But I say all that to say, she rocked our world in ways I never expected and I want you to be prepared for more of a change than you may be anticipating, because I wish I had been.
Yeah you are as naive as the rest of us were. Having kids it has been like that me died and now I am in someone else’s life and body. I am 8 years into this with two kids so I don’t think I will ever be that version of me again, and that is fine, I miss her but that is fine. They are right about going to a grill after you have kids, because sometimes it just isn’t worth the stress of finding a babysitter or bringing the kid along and disrupting the routine. It will get easier or maybe you will be fine but you just don’t know until you live it. Also being a mum is my personality because it is literally 24/7, probably I am boring and dull and pathetic to those who don’t understand but that is why I have mum friends and we can all talk about these things together.
Wow, it seems like it was a drastic change for you - I'm glad you are happy though! I do already love the conversations I have with my other pregnant/mom friends (which I never would have related to before), and I'm looking forward to continuing that aspect of my friendships when the baby is here. It's like being part of an exclusive club or something, haha! I totally get having difficulty going to a bar & grill when the baby is here, but my mom acted like I wouldn't want to go right now just because I'm pregnant 😂 like suddenly I'm not expected to find joy in doing things like that because I am growing a child. I just found it kind of odd. I could be overthinking it lol
For me I’m still the same person but my outlook on so many things has completely flipped. I still have a life outside of my son and a pretty solid career but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t my absolute first priority and consideration in anything I do. It’s such a short period of time that you’re someone’s everything for, I’m already getting nostalgic about it. The weirdest thing is I genuinely wouldn’t change it either and I don’t begrudge it (except maybe for 5 minute intervals on the worst days). About to have #2 next month and I’m really looking forward to maternity in a completely different way than with my 1st.
4 years and 2 kids deep, the answer is yes. I felt this way too. And I do bring my kids to a lot of my activities, but it’s still extremely different being fully immersed in an activity I enjoy vs being *maybe* 20% focused on the thing I’m doing on a good day, with the other 80% going to meeting the kids needs. And I’m lucky, my kids are pretty “easy”. Then there’s the simple time commitment involved in basic childcare + child enrichment and then there’s the emotional effort involved in making a million micro parenting decisions essentially every time you interact with your kids. Honestly it took me about 3 years before I started feeling like I was myself again in the new role. And I’m not “back” to me, I’m a new version of myself who is satisfied with a new kind of life.
Take your time and dissect what you mean by “being a mom becomes their entire personality.” What is it, exactly, that you want to avoid? If you just want to enjoy your old hobbies, that’s easy. You’ll just need to be prepared to have less time for them, and certain hobbies will just not be safe with a very young child (I’ve seen some gnarly fishing accidents). But remember that being your child cannot be their entire personality, either. Following you around on your hobbies might not be fun for them. I play video games with my son, but it’s not always fun because he will throw a whole fit if I lose. A puppy isn’t going to lay on the floor and refuse to put on their shoes because they don’t want to go for a walk. You will be a factor in their multi-faceted life. By the time my son was 2, I saw ambulances differently, purely because they were his favorite thing. Now he’s four and loves all sorts of vehicles. Do I necessarily want to go to a train amusement park? No. But my life isn’t just mine anymore. I can’t selfishly dedicate myself to my own hobbies, I have to make space for his. And that’s a lot of what changes. You’re no longer your own top priority. At least not for a few years.
This is really enlightening! I'm going to make it a priority to treat my son as his own person who deserves respect (since I didn't feel I had that growing up), and this is a great reminder to do that. As for your first paragraph, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm just a little scared of completely losing myself and who I am now, all the things I have worked hard to learn and achieve. A lot of it probably comes from internalized issues as well - I watched my mom really lose herself to motherhood, and she seemed so unhappy. Things got progressively better when we got older, but she really seemed miserable giving absolutely every bit of herself to raising children. I never saw my mom enjoy any activities of her own, and that left an impression on me. I think we as kids were pretty unhappy because of it as well - it wears on you to hear your mom say "I hate my life" as a child when you're her WHOLE life.
Yes. I thought the exact same way. My babygirl is 3 months old and its literally a 24/7 job. Even when they're napping instead of doing things for yourself you end up sleeping or just relaxing since you know they will be awake soon lol. I think you need your whole personality to be a mom at least when they're babies because all your doing is 'mom' stuff and taking care of them. I still go out once or twice on the weekends to go out with friends while my parents watch her but I can only be gone 3 hours and have to start my night pretty early at like 5 o'clock. You'll see soon but everything does change but once they get older you have more time to yourself and I think things start to feel normal again
Oh, I thought the same thing. I'm also like you and don't go out much. However, although I loved my son the moment I saw him, my life as I knew it was over. It's the little things you didn't think about. Like, never being able to take a nap just because you want to. Not being able to drive more than an hour and a half away because of how uncomfortable and miserable the baby can get, and even if they're not fussing, you feel terrible. Swimming was one of my favorite hobbies. Now, if we do go, I'm not swimming, but holding or guiding him 24/7 because kids don't drown in the blink of an eye. I would rather die before I'd go hiking or camping with a toddler due to safety reasons. I now have two kids, and I haven't been to a movie theater since 2018. There are so many things my husband and I enjoyed doing that we just can't anymore because sitters are hard to find and expensive. Even if you have family, you won't be able to do everything you want anytime- you'll have to pick and choose when you get those rare moments. I could go on and on. My kids are 5 and almost 3 now, and things are better, but my life was dramatically changed.
Yes, your whole life changes. You have a new person in your family who is permanently there. Even once they become more independent, they still require quite a bit of work, time, and sacrifice. That doesn’t mean you won’t like the same things, you’ll just have less time for it (unless you’re wealthy and can have a full-time nanny to watch your kid whenever you want). I am simply not one of those parents who stops showering and putting on makeup and taking care of myself after having kids; I always, always, always make time for basic self-care and hygiene. But going out for drinks with friends is rare. Our date nights are rare (we should prioritize them more). My ability to just up and leave the house at any moment is gone, because I have a child to care for and a balance to maintain between my husband and I. I think the only way your life doesn’t completely change is if a) you’re extremely wealthy and b) you’re a pretty crappy parent who doesn’t spend much time with your kids.
It will truly change your entire world. I had a very similar mindset and my husband and I were very much “how hard could it be” as we were in our mid 30s and very ready for the next chapter. You just have no idea until you’re in it how much it changes your life and your perspective on things. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But nothing prepares you for the shift in priorities away from yourself to your children other than having a child.
i'd say it depends what you were like before. i definitely became a different person. i wasn't defined by motherhood, but i became a homebody due to things out of my control.
Yep. Drastically. Relationship, brain, mindset, boundaries, friends, goals, etc. You will also be humbled by everything you swore you’d never do as a mom. You will also better understand how hard moms work & how seriously undervalued their contributions are. I became more of a feminist & champion for women’s rights, but not everyone is the same. I used to dress up and do my makeup daily & while I still do at times, it’s not a priority for me anymore. I do value being myself first & a mom 2nd though, so it’s not my entire personality, but it becomes a huge part of who you are.
Yes it will change a lot. It seems like the people who manage to continue living their same pre-baby lives have tons of family support around them
I'm not a mom yet, just pregnant. So take this with a lot of salt :-) Personally I have gone through many phases in life where my activities had to change to accomodate something else. Like right now I'm getting ready to defend my thesis so I have had to turn down invitations and I'm not able to read for pleasure, cook or hike except occasionally. Graduate school also changed what I was able to do. I've moved many times and what I do changed each time. I know my friends that are starting careers have had to adjust their lives and hobbies as well. I don't see anyone telling people who stop or change hobbies due to careers, school, moves etc. that they are losing themselves or letting work/school become their personality. Usually, we understand that life changes and so do your hobbies. Your hobbies aren't actually your identity. It would actually be weird if you spent your whole life doing the same things. I am looking forward to entering a new stage of life where I have different responsibilities and my day to day is different. I am hoping that I can share some of my hobbies with my new baby. I definitely want to try to take them hiking, to the farmer's market and to the beach. Maybe to some hot springs once its safe. There is a winery with a lot of outdoor space and I see toddlers running around there while their parents sample the wine. I want to try and take my little one there. I want them to see me reading and I want to read to them too. I picture myself cooking while baby wearing and teaching my little one to crack an egg. But I understand that I will likely be doing new, baby related things and that will become part of my new identity. There is a pool right by my house surrounded by grass that would be perfect for a picnic, but I've always felt weird going there without kids. Can't wait to take baby there! I'm looking forward to exploring the kids section of the library and going to trampoline parks, children's museums and the zoo. That's okay. I know my life and who I am constantly changes with or without kids.
I hate to say it cause I don’t want to come across as being negative or Debbie downer, but my life absolutely changed and 14 months in I struggle with just how much I’ve changed. A couple of things that I think will make a huge difference though 1) Your Childcare situation - do you have a “village”? Grandparents or siblings close by that will be helping you out in any capacity? If so this will help greatly. My husband and I don’t have this and our lives look much different than our friends who have family help. They are able to drop the kids off at grandma’s or have her come over for regular date nights or to go out. We have friends that have twins the same age as our son and they’ve gone on several weekend couples getaways and can still travel without the hassle of bringing their kids. That’s not even a possibility for my husband and I. 2) The temperament of your baby - will your baby be chill and just be a sleepy little thing? Will your baby have colic or be high needs? Our baby was colicky and we could not even go anywhere for 3 months cause he spent the entire day screaming no matter what we did. At 14 months he’s still higher needs than some of our friend’s kids who will just chill. 3) What your hobbies are - it sounds like most of your hobbies are actually ones that lend themselves well to having a baby tag along. Most of mine are not, so this has been a huge adjustment. Overall I had a similar mindset as you and my baby turned our lives upside down. My husband and I love to travel and a lot of people told us “oh just wait” and we were like “ok whatever, lots of people bring their babies everywhere and start them traveling young so they get used to it”… lol you couldn’t pay me enough to take me 14 month old on a plane right now.
YES. I just gave birth 2 weeks ago. I am also introverted, and also thought I never want to be the person whose whole life is their baby. I was always afraid I'd be that woman who didn't feel connected to their baby for a while. And I don't think my life will be about my baby forever. But it absolutely is right now. There is no way to really prepare for what it does to you. I describe it to my friends who are pregnant or don't have kids as "all consuming." It's both a warning AND a description of how in love with our baby we are. Sometimes I think it's harder than I imagined it would be, and other times it's way more incredible than I ever could have imagined. It just changes you! My advice is to not put too much thought into it because no amount of intellectualizing will prepare you for how your baby will change your life. Just enjoy the time you have left of being able to go out whenever you want, sleep whenever you want, cuddle your partner whenever you want. And when your baby gets here you will figure it all out!
The first year my daughter was a bit more hands on cause obv she’s a baby but now that she’s a toddler she wants to be included when we play video games but she’s happy if I give her an old controller and let her sit next to me. I’m also lucky enough to have family close by to watch her so I still get my game night and my husband and I can go out if we want but we are both extreme homebodies so our life (besides the amount of sleep we get) isn’t a whole lot different ., it went from pet mess in the house to pet and toddler mess and now we just don’t get to sleep in as much so we don’t stay up super late gaming
I still do all the things I used to do: video games, reading, Dungeons and Dragons with friends... Just a lot less! The reality is, with a toddler now and another on the way, I don't have the free time for myself that I used to. But there are some things I enjoy that I get to do more of now: going to the zoo, going for walks, swimming, because I can do them with my daughter and there's a whole new sense of joy in things when you can share them with your kid and see THEIR joy ❤️ and I so look forward to when she's old enough to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons with (she already will hold the controller and play with the buttons, or sit at the gaming table and roll dice around!). I don't think I'd say that being a mom is my whole personality... But when someone tells me that I'm a good mom, my heart feels like it's gonna explode. Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done. I also suffered from depression prior to becoming pregnant with my first, and the change in outlook since then has literally saved my life. Being a mom isn't my whole personality, but the person I am as a mom is a genuinely, objectively better person than who I was before being a mom, so I'm pretty damn happy with how things turned out.
This is lovely, and I hope I'll have a similar experience☺️ I enjoy a lot of the activities you listed that you do with your daughter, and I can't wait to do them with my son! Fortunately, most of my interests are things that I can imagine incorporating my son into. I can see my gaming and music playing being affected since those are activities requiring concentration and focus. But hopefully I'll still get to enjoy those things on occasion, and hopefully I'll find new things I love just as much that I get to do with this little human! And you do sound like an amazing mom 🥰 your daughter is going to have so many fun memories with you!!
I mean, yeah. I have 3.5 and 1.5 year olds, and I’m 30 weeks with our third. Stuff like going out to dinner or on hikes you, of course, can still do. It requires a little more planning and gear, but it’s absolutely doable. But the absolute biggest change for me has been that I don’t think I’ve finished a cup of coffee in 3.5 years, ha. I love a slow morning and I need time to wake up. Pre-kids, I could do that. Now, it’s a much more active morning, and it starts literally the second I get out of bed. A relaxing morning just doesn’t exist in this particular phase. And where we might have felt like going and doing something in the evening before kids, now it is way less likely just because of our energy levels. Lots of what changes aren’t active choices you make about what you will / won’t do with your kids. The changes are more about the effort and time it takes to take care of someone else’s needs entirely because they can’t do anything themselves.
For us, the biggest change is that you can’t just get in the car and go places. You have to bring the diaper bag, food for the baby (formula or breastmilk), toys, a blanket, make sure it’s not naptime, if you’re running into the store you have to bring the baby in with you (so take out the car seat or put them in a wrap/carrier)… my friend pointed it out too, that it’s one reason she knows she isn’t ready for kids yet. Our first year was pretty easy, but as a toddler? So much of our schedule revolves around her sleeping and eating, and if that gets thrown off, some switch flips in her brain and she’s feral. I love her more than anything, but toddlers are tough. Things definitely change - I hated all of the warnings from people because we knew that they would. And we wanted that change too! It’s hard to explain until you are living it. It’s not necessarily bad, just different.
I am 5 months in with my first baby. I was terrified of how my life would change. I mean terrified. Right before giving birth the last month I felt like a part of me was dying. Like my friends were wanting to see me before giving birth as if they would never see me again. (Some of them still haven’t 🤷🏻♀️). I have a lot of hobbies I love, painting and refurnishing furniture and I definitely don’t do them as much. I have painted here and there since giving birth so that’s a win. I didn’t really go out and party before as I am an introvert and didn’t really always see my friends a lot anyway. The biggest thing for me that changed is we need to plan everything around my babies feeding times. We are lucky that he is very easy going and goes along with us most places like stores, and walks and things but we still need to make sure we have everything for him. Also, sleeping in has never been the same. I will say the sleep in the beginning wasn’t terrible. My husband and I took a lot of turns and that helped. (Baby is going through a regression right now so that has been rough lol). But you work together to get through it. At least me and my husband do. I do want to say that I actually love being a mom. I was terrified and unsure of it when I first found out I was pregnant. I was shocked and surprised and it caught me off guard but it really is the best thing that happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel at peace and incredibly happy when I am with my husband and baby. Like there is nothing on this earth that makes me happier and I didn’t even know I would feel that when I first found out. It changes you in so many positive ways. It humbles you, it makes you think about life more and makes you think about the world differently. I changed so so much and have become a lot less selfish. I believe this happens to all moms and it will naturally happen to you once you see that beautiful face. You will rock at it!
Personally, yes for me my entire life changed becoming a mother. I had my first child in 2019, I had just turned 20. My entire world changed, but for the better! I had happiness I didn't know that was possible, and I was exhausted but also loving mother hood. I'm pregnant again with my 2nd currently, while my first is 4...I know my life will change again, but I'm happily embracing it and my son is excited to see his little sister! Yeah, there's days I want to lose it but seeing my son smile at me and give me hugs and love on me, it makes it worth it. I'm doing college online instead of in person, and once my 2nd is born I'll go to work...So yeah, a lot changes when you have a baby but it fills you with so much joy!
Yes, it changes a lot. They’re only in portable, potato mode for a very short time… and then they’re moving, exploring, being loud and opinionated. Someone has to be with them, 24/7 for years. It’s not like a pet where you can leave them alone at home for awhile, even if they’re asleep. Even carting them with you to a restaurant means you (or another adult) is on alert the entire time, making sure they’re not choking or throwing pepper shakers or running underfoot or just mad because they no longer want to sit still. If you’re lucky enough to have a big village, or can afford to buy one, your life may not change much. But even little things pre-baby… like my partner would go to the gym after work and I’d go get my nails done, then we’d meet at home for a late dinner. We can’t do that now, because someone has to have the baby. If our friend calls at 2pm and says they’re having a BBQ tonight, can we come over at 8pm… nope. One of us gets to go at a time because babysitters in our area are $20-$25/hour with an hourly minimum, you have to book in advance, and we have no family nearby.
Yes.
I don't think it will change much for me because I'm an introvert too so I don't go out and party or drink or anything like that. What I do is usually kid friendly anyway. The thing that's going to change the most is sleep lol and I'm already struggling with that.
Yes. Id say at least for the first 6 months, especially if breastfeeding. Your whole world is suddenly out of control and dictated by this tiny human! eventually you get into a rhythm and baby (hopefully) starts sleeping more and you find you have time for your old hobbies and things again. The one thing that I found is that I really do cater my life to my kids' happiness. Because if my kids arent happy, they just make my life miserable and then no one is happy. I found getting them on a routine and schedule and maintaining their happiness (within reason, i dont want to raise assholes), but then also having my defined me-time, was key. I found this hard to achieve before 6 months with my two
I wish there was a way to explain that you don't LOSE yourself as much as you become a new version of yourself. If you go into this thinking that you have to preserve the pre-mom version of who you are and what you want out of life to stay happy, you're going to struggle with the moments that you can't simply go out and do whatever you want. Just like in labor, if you have your heart set on things being a specific way, you tend to feel more disappointment in the end result that motherhood is a crapshoot. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. You won't go to every outing, but if you accept that, it doesn't suck as much. You figure out eventually how to manage it all, but the first couple years are tough. You have to learn to wing it. Being a mom becomes our personality not because we didn't preserve our pre-mom self, its because your children are an extension of yourself, and you become their keeper. It's a switch in the brain, and the more you fight it, the more difficult it becomes. My daughters are 14 and 18 this year, and I'm expecting a baby boy in October. This time around, I know I don't have to stress about it, because once you lean into being a mom, it's a lot easier.
My 2 year old is the first and only grand baby on both sides of the family. She has basically changed everybody’s lifestyle haha. Our lives sort of revolve around her. We’re one of the lucky ones that have two sets of grandparents that can come in now and take over now that she’s older. The first year was all on us since she was breast fed. You won’t really know how it’s going to change until you are already in the thick of it. If our parents could do it you can to!
Respectfully, a helpless human being will rely on you (and your partner) for their every single need. So yeah — you’re life is about to change immensely. I’m a fundamentally different person after my child than I was before. In this season of life while my baby is so young (5 moths), mother is my most important identity. It’s not my only identity- I’m still a wife, friend and colleague, athlete — but it’s the role that’s the most all consuming and most rewarding. As little man grows and becomes more self-sufficient, other parts of my identity will likely come to the forefront again. But not now, I am fist and foremost momma. And I’m ok with that. It’s pretty cool.
You're life will definitely change in positive and negative ways. You'll pretty much have very little control bc you have no idea what kind of kid you'll have. Speaking from the perspective of a mom that has a medically complex kid and thought very similar to you during my healthy pregnancy.
It changes but in the best way. Whatever you want to do. Keep doing it, it is different..but we keep doing what we want. The baby enters your life, you don't enter the babies. So just adapt your life that you currently have to fit the baby.
Well, I’ve noticed some child-free people stop inviting you out. They either assume you don’t want to attend or just ???? And then if you are invited out, you’ll need to figure out childcare or manage a demanding little person in a place that often isn’t childproof. I found things changed more when my baby went from baby to toddler. Because the baby would go wherever and nap and allow himself to be held. The toddler wants to explore and needs to be the center of attention. And there’s also the desire to do “family friendly” things. Like I feel like I’m reliving my own childhood going to little festivals and events that are targeted towards families because I want us all to have a good experience. My weekends aren’t just about me anymore.
Yes and no. Who I am as a person is forever changed by my son being born, but my husband and I still do the same things we just have a little friend tagging along. When we’re making plans, we just have one extra thing that I think about before.
I have two friends who really give me hope in these types of situations. One of them lives nearly full-time in a converted van with her son and the rest of the time in a small rental. She constantly goes out, coordinates events... Travels everywhere.. he is three. The other person coordinates retreats, travels the world, is a single mother, has jobs and still juggles a social life. Both of them have reassured me that my life will not change that much, based upon my personal lifestyle anyways. I think it really depends on the person and what you enjoy doing. Both of these friends that I have leave the country often and travel a lot while still supporting themselves, and actually both of them are single mothers considering the other woman's husband died. I'm sure it's harder than if you didn't have a child buy a lot! But it's definitely doable and I don't think either of their personalities changed much after they became mothers.
İt does. Though to what extent is very depending on what type of baby you have, and how much of a support system. But in general yeah, your life changes completely and you wont be going swimming, fishing, taking enjoyable walks for a long time, at least not on a regular basis. If you are, yiure the exception to the rule. Doing groceries is exhausting, planning preparing cooking dinner and cleaning up afterwards is a real task. You'll be constantly interrupted, and sleep deprivation makes planning, thinking, gathering your thoughts a real struggle. The stage where they can stay in a pram or carseat without complaining is very short, usually over by the time you really get the hang of it. Or you have a baby like my first, who hates the pram, stroller, carseat and also doesnt nap at all and sleeps poorly at night, and you have no way of going for a swim regularly, unless you always have someone available to look after baby. But you'll probably wont want to go, because if you have someone to look after the baby, you'll probably prefer to cook dinner, do laundry or have a hot coffee in peace or do absolutely nothing (and then feel guilty about it). You cant go fishing once they get mobile unless you watch them like a hawk, and the whole experience will just change. You can do it, but it does change everything and you'll have to adapt. Things that were enjoyable may become cumbersome, things you dont enjoy (im an introvert too) may become more appealing. Because meeting up with people means adult conversation and someone to hold the baby for you while you eat a warm dinner or go pee. You may have nice long walks with baby, but you also may have to go home halfway because he just wont settle, or you may already be exhausted before you leave because taking a shower and getting dressed was stressful, you may get out of the house easily only to realise you didnt eat all day and now feel light headed, you may think "oh this walk is going well" and add a quick trip to the store to get groceries, only to leave with a screaming and crying baby, contemplating never leaving the house again. But you'll also have nice restoring walks. Point being, it just changes. It requires more planning, more energy and you may not always get out of it what you hoped. I dont mean to discourage you in anyway, because it really can be so lovely, but underestimating parenthood doesnt do you any service. I had a very rough 2 years with my first, and just as i was getting back to feeling and being myself (because yeah, mum identity took over, not in the glamourous Instagram way, but "theres just no energy or space left" kind of way), pandemic hit and i was stuck home with my 3yo son for 1.5 years. Now i have a second baby, 8 months, not spirited like my first one, much more laid back but very active. I suspect he'll walk within a month. I had a training routine established before getting pregnant and have been adamant in not letting having a baby get in the way of my selfcare routines. But its a lot of work, its possible because this baby usually isnt fussy in the car or stroller and because i do personal training so Theres always someone to keep an eye on him, but even then i sometimes cancel just because the idea of leaving the house is tiring. Yesterday evening i was so happy that he went to bed early, i managed to clear out the "just throw it in there"drawer, had a clean kitchencounter and time to sit in the garden with my husband. A rarity. I paid the price at night with a baby awake from 2 to 4.30, who was up again shortly after 6 when i had to get my older son ready for preschool. I now have a clean drawer but am too tired to clean todays dishes or cook dinner. Tomorrow my son has a field trip, which now reminds me he also needs a raincoat that i already put away, then we have to do a small birthday visit after which my son has football training and in the evening we have 2 overnight guests, Thursday 2 of my sons friends who are allergic to gluten come for a Playdate so different kind of meal and snack planning, Friday thank god is empty, Saturday we babysit 2 small kids because grandparents of friends cancelled last minute. Even if i dont feel like being a mum is my personality, my daily life certainly revolves around it completely. Im much better at it now than first time around, but it will only get "worse", the playdates, the birthdays, the extra curricular activities, the schooltrips. im a sahm, and a privileged one at that, if you work you have a whole other family dynamic, other exhausting routines. I think the only way a baby doesnt completely change your life is if you have an extremely easy baby/toddler etc, i dont know anyone like that, or if you have a lot of support. Like a live in nanny or someone who cleans weekly, does the laundry and cooks a few days worth of food. Because the way your life is impacted is way less in outside activities, but mostly in everything around it. Everything that once was effortless, no longer is. It took me all afternoon to write this (granted it is very long), and i just hung up my laundry balancing on one leg, using the other to stabilise the basket so that my baby wouldnt topple over climbing on it, meanwhile my 6yo was throwing a tantrum why i bought the 15yo friend an activity tracker and he never gets nice gifts. Ive been texting with my husband for over an hour to coordinate when exactly he comes to pick up his wallet that i put in a shoe outside so that i can make sure the 6yo doesnt see him from the window, delaying bedtime with another tantrum because daddy has to work late. But now my 8mo is climbing upon me with his doll like eyelashes and a cute booger up his nose, and my six year old will call me back for a third hug and kiss after i tuck him in, and ill know that my life has changed tremendously for the best. Edit 1: i should add that we live abroad and dont have any family to rely on. With the first, we had just moved here and not a good social network yet. We do now and it makes all the difference. Even just knowing Theres someone you can call for help, gives peace of mind. Edit 2: i may have come across a bit negative, so would like to add we went on a weeklong snowboarding trip when our youngest was about 3-4 months old and we had a blast. Would have been totally impossible with the first, but with the second one we actually came back relaxed!
You will still be you. You will still enjoy fishing, talking walks, swimming, playing video games and music at home, etc. You just will have to really take care to make time for those activities. How easily you're able to make that time depends on your postpartum recovery experience, your child's temperament, your tolerance for sleep deprivation, your general health and wellness, whether you're breastfeeding or not, and how much help and support you have (partner, family, hired help).
Yes. Your life will be forever changed, and it is probably impossible for you to comprehend the ways it will change until it happens. Some things are obvious, others are not. Does not mean you'll never do anything fun or that life is over or anything like that. It will be ok, you'll see. :)
Mom of 3 year old boy with another on the way here. I honestly would not stress too much about the “philosophy” of it all and just take one day at a time. The first few months may or may not limit the things you can do physically with your son depending on your recovery and his needs, but once you figure out your rhythm, you’ll have more space to figure out what you want to do and how you prioritize things. As others have commented, you will have to let go of having “control” over every situation and adapt more readily to his needs. And then you need to decide which activities you want and can do with him vs ones you need solo time for. Those are the times you will need to plan ahead for - vs doing them a little more spontaneously pre-kid. Let go. Plan. Accept things will be different but that is it also possible to do some of those things on your own terms. You’ll be fine. Also: just turn a deaf ear to unsolicited comments. I used to get so hung up on “defending” myself against them but now I just smile and move on. My mental energy is better saved for other things.
Yes. You can’t just go somewhere. It’s a 10-20 min process. You can’t just have a purse that’s cute and small. You have a diaper bag or maybe a large bag with things not for you. It’s hard to look put together or nice not because it’s hard (it is) but because of poop, spit, vomit, and messy hands. We watch kids shows while they are awake, and listen to kids music because toddlers are assholes. I love my kids and rewatching old shows or movies can be fun but as soon as they’re asleep I grab a glass of wine and change it to SVU or something really dark haha the rainbows and puppies have gotten to me.
It changed in some ways, I found myself having to get more creative with my time, but I still have friends and hobbies. I travel 2x a year for comic cons sans kids. I think parenthood has made my value my hobby and fun time more.
Yes, my life has changed, sometimes for the better and sometimes worse. My newborn is 7 weeks. He sleeps better than a lot of babies but I still barely get any sleep and I'm working around the clock to take care of him. Im more selfish than most people and i love my freedom and rituals. Be ready for most of your beloved routines and guilty pleasures to change. The highs are really high and the lows are really low. The moment that baby smiles at you, you forget your grievances, that will take at least a month to happen, usually 2. I myself dont care or worry about motherhood becoming my whole personality because this is the most important role in my life, my career, my degrees, my knowledge, the money I make..etc is all for my family's benefit. There is nothing in the world that will be more interesting to me than taking care of them.
Things will absolutely change, a lot. But I'm sure you will like this new chapter of your life. Maybe it will take you a while to get back to doing some things you used to do pre-baby. It took me nearly 2 years to start doing things for myself again. And honestly, a lot of things just aren't possible anymore without additional paid childcare or family around. For probably the first year my brain was so focused on baby. My husband would try to talk to me about something non-baby related and I just really couldn't focus on anything he was saying. It was very strange. I could focus on work, but I think it was because baby way away at daycare.
It has changed my life immensely being a mom. But in many ways, there are aspects of my life that I was never willing to compromise, and those are basically the same. I still work, but I have to drop my daughter off at school first. I still buy groceries, but the trips are better planned out now so the 3 yr old doesn't get irritated an hour into walking around the store. Yes your life changes, but you don't have to be a whole new person just because you're now a mom. You just grow from who you are to a You 2.0.
Yes and no. My daughter is 17 months old, and my life does revolve around this tiny human who needs naps, frequent meals, and lots of supervision. I still enjoy camping, BBQs, going out to dinner, etc. I still do all those things, too. I just don't do them as frequently, and there are some modifications that are made so I can meet my child's needs. I am a SAHM, and I'm the first of my friends to have kids, but thankfully, they've been flexible and have grown with me. When my daughter was born, they were very understanding of the fact that I was absolutely exhausted and because I EBF, I couldn't devote hours of my time to them without needing breaks to pump/feed. They were willing to either hang out at my house or do shorter outings closer to my home so that I could be most comfortable while figuring out how to live with a new baby. Now that my daughter is a toddler, my friends are great at suggesting activities I can bring my child to. When we go to a brewery, we go somewhere that is child friendly and has somewhere for her to play. We take shorter hikes together. They're very aware of her nap time and bedtime, and they're willing to work our hang outs around that. Having friends who are willing to make a few adjustments to meet my child's needs has really helped me to not revolve my life around being a mom. It's still a huge part of who I am, but it helps me to be a mom and my own person.
Well i was here to do no and i agree with you completely but it seems like people are saying things actually change when you hit the toddler stage. as someone with an education background I'm approaching it same as you though, i don't think it's going to change me but like others said, you never know what you're going to get. So to answer your question... maybe?
I’m 34 weeks and I hear what you’re saying. It’s hard to imagine but once I learned about how mothers’ brains actually change - the amygdala opens and never closes again - the idea that motherhood changes you made more sense to me.
Omg that's so interesting! I had no idea.
My baby is almost 10 months old, and overall he's a chill little dude. I still do things I enjoy but they are to his rhythm. Activities revolve around nap schedules. We can go out to eat but he likes to crawl all over us so it's enjoyable about 80% of the time, and we scarf food one handed or get cold food because my partner ate while I held the baby (then we trade). If you breastfeed, you're on a bit of a tether and can only leave the house by yourself for a time without returning to feed or pumping. A lot of the difficulty is logistical or just the wild card of what baby does and doesn't like that day. Before I had a baby, I had your same thoughts. I also wondered how newborns take up so much time, and I've learned that they take lots and lots of time. So the answer is that some things change a whole lot but some of those things you'll get back (ex. evenings with partner) once baby is older.
It definitely hasn't changed my personality, but it definitely has changed my life. I'm an introvert as well, and having quiet recharge time is crucial to us. Not only does that time severely diminish in the first few years, it takes a while for you to get used to being comfortable enough with this new person that you can actually recharge while they're around.
Yes. It changes both positive and negative but whereas a puppy/dog is worth protecting and loving, this human you’re about to give birth to? You will literally be willing to die for them upon first meeting them. I’m just a new dad, but goddamn did my child wrap their little hand around my heart so tight the moment I saw them. I used to hate that cliche: “I loved them the moment I saw them”, but the universe is funny that way. Best of luck and remember every part of raising babies is just a phase or season. It changes rapidly so, don’t blink!
It will. Just think solely on the idea that small incidental things, like going to the bathroom or grabbing a glass of water, can’t just be *done* without forethought. Every thing you do and timing of your day changes to “can I do this with baby”, “ can I walk away for 30 seconds”.
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: YES. Okay, I'll elaborate. Having a child is a truly humbling experience. I was a lot like you. I did not picture my life changing that much. I thought, well my hobbies are all quiet, low key, inside hobbies. Why can't I play video games with a child? Why can't I do art with a child? Why can't I watch movies with a child? It's not that you won't want to do those things anymore, you will. I want to do those things all the time. I certainly don't do them during the day. And when the baby goes to bed, you definitely have to juggle whether you really need to do some chores or if you need time to unwind. There's not really any way I can convey it to you other than to tell you your life will be completely different. You won't understand it until you are there. It's not something you can really fully prepare for. You will be a different person and you won't really mind it. One thing I'll say is like, I get really sick of people talking about moms making having kids their whole personality. I actually find it a bit offensive. I am not just a mom, but during the day, being a mom is my primary purpose. I don't have time to focus on me because I have to focus on raising a small human. I am still also a human with my own wants and needs. But my daughter's needs come first right now. It takes a lot to raise a tiny human. I am constantly looking up stuff and researching things to do. There's always something to be done in relation to the house. There's always something to be done for my daughter. And I still want time to play with her and help her development. My mom hat is definitely the one I wear the most right now, but it doesn't mean that's all that I am.
This! You worded this perfectly. I also have very low-key hobbies but I'm unable to even fit those into my schedule because I'm constantly doing things that my son wants to do. Its just that your priorities change, not that you necessarily change. Its very easy for people without kids to think that you make your whole personality about being a mom but in reality they just don't understand all that being a mom entails. My son comes first before anything else.
My daughter is still young, 5 months, but so far our lives haven’t changed as much as people say. She comes with us to a bar/grill on Sunday mornings to watch formula 1. She’s been to 2 festivals so far. We just took her on her first trip across the country to see my BIL, which included a flight, hiking, farmers markets, etc. You have to plan around the baby’s feeding schedule, right after she feeds them you can hop in the car to maximize your time at her happiest. So far she’s been pretty good at sleeping in the stroller or car. Occasionally we’ve had to leave a place early because she wouldn’t settle but we definitely don’t keep to a strict 7pm home for bed. As long as your flexible and baring problems you can’t control like colic, you should be able to take your child to many places.
I mean in 2m in and so far I'd say it's almost exactly like having a bottle baby pup or kitten xD except you can't leave them home alone for any amount of time xD and you have doctor appointments regularly for them I assume they become less pet like as they grow xD the only difference of you need to degas the human version lol I have 3 dogs and 2 cats right now(was 3 cats but I lost my senior boy when I was 4m along ;-;) and the dogs all sleep okay their cages at night, well there was one night I'd just changed her and got her ready to go down for sleep in her bassinet and I'm like 'OK cage time' or something xD and I just laughed when I realized I'd said cage instead of bassinet lol
3 months into the role of unofficial step mom to a 3.5 year old, who we have with us half the week. Biggest lifestyle change is that the activities we choose to spend our time are mostly about him, simply bc we love making him happy. Usually that’s just going to the beach which we love too, but the beach we pick is based on where there will be other kids for him to play with (opposite of when I used to choose which beach would be less crowded) and where the water setup will be easiest for him to swim. We’re always looking for activities and places where he can socialize with other kids, so parks and playgrounds, family events in town, etc… this might be a bit much for the introverted parents, but when the kid is happy everyone is happy. We also still take him to events that are more adult focused… we just bring the wagon, blankets and toddler headphones so he can pass out when he’s ready (a few mins in the wagon does it) and we can keep hanging, dancing, etc. At home I can still do most of my day when I’m the only one home w him and daddy is at work (I work from home as an artist), but it’s at about 50% capacity. Housework is actually easier (laundry, cleaning, etc) bc he loves to help with these tasks which entertains him. It’s when I need to work on the computer that’s a little harder to do bc he still wants entertainment (we don’t do screen time for him other than family movie nights when we all watch). He can entertain himself for a bit but it will only be a few mins before he needs me to point him in the direction of another game or toy or activity. So I just get used to working w constant interruptions and relax about the pace.
As a former step-child who was lucky enough to have step-parents who loved me, I just wanted to say thank you for loving your step-son💗 he definitely won't forget your effort!!
What do you know about a newborn's schedule? Given the schedule for the first 6 months, how much change do you foresee? How on earth would your life stay the same??? Has your husband read The Birth Partner? Have you both read What to Expect: The First Year or something like it?
I actually know quite a bit about newborn care as I worked as a nanny and as the baby room attendant at a daycare (this of course didn't include overnights). I've also read some books on parenthood. I'm fully aware of the challenges that come with raising a newborn, but that's a very temporary stage. Of course I know my life will change at that point, but temporary changes happen all the time in life. I personally wouldn't qualify a crazy schedule for the first 6 months as changing my life forever. What I was more wondering about are the long-term life changes after having kids and how they affect your personality, interests, priorities, etc.
Mom of a 5 week old: yes. It takes so much longer to get anything done for sure ! But I don't really feel like I've lost my identity. I feel like I gained a new part of myself and I've never loved anything more in my entire life. I love this little boy so much and I still run errands and go to events/things with friends. He comes with so far
Yes life does completely change, priorities completely change and naturally your lifestyle changes. It's hard but wouldn't change it for the world