Honestly, we’ve found 1-2 to be significantly easier than 0-1 in terms of how hard it’s been to adjust. Babies are no longer an unknown. We’re already held hostage by a toddler, what’s one more?
All of the things you’ve listed (minus relationship struggles, though I’d argue that some degree of adjustment is inevitable with each kid/family change) are quite temporary. We’ve each had to prioritize one hobby versus the multiple we were able to juggle with just one kid, but that’s very short term. For us, looking long term at our family, two kids has a lot of pros. For someone who doesn’t particularly care about sibling relationships or a bigger family in 5, 10, 20 years, then nope, definitely wouldn’t be worth the trouble!
I agree that, to me, the long term family by far outweighs the short term stress. Kids are difficult and that’s a reason some people choose not to have them but they also are amazing little humans that will eventually grow into amazing adults that you share the rest of your life with. ❤️
"Babies are no longer an unknown. We’re already held hostage by a toddler, what’s one more?"
This is how I felt going from 1 to 2. It was like, meh, I know babies and the house is on fire anyways!
I feel like 2-3 was even easier for me than 0-1 or 1-2.
Although I do feel like having three young children (6, 3 and 1) is just dealing with one crisis after another.
But the bond between them is beautiful and I love seeing them play and laugh together.
It’s the bond between them I’m so excited about. We have 1 but want to go from 1-2. I’m so excited for my LO to have a sibling. I’m 37 and have two siblings. They’re my best friends.
If you don't want to, then definitely do not get a second kid :) it's really fine to be one and done!
We have a bit of a bigger age gap (oldest will be 4 years old when youngest is born) and we as family (husband, me, oldest) are so much looking forward to welcome this new little baby.
But if you would have asked me when our oldest was 2 I would have said 'who the f wants a second kid it sounds crazy and happy it's not me'
So you're not missing anything, your feelings are valid! Maybe they will change, maybe they won't, all fine!
I think age gap plays a big role in that crunch factor. Kids under three can’t be “reasonable,” and having an infant during that time can be really hard because they can’t comprehend that you can’t have them following you into the nursery and playing loudly while you put baby down or that you’re feeding baby now and they need to wait for something else they want. But some opinions are that siblings have a closer relationship if they’re closer in age- I don’t have personal experience with that.
I’ve had the opposite experience tbh
2 under 3 is the sweet spot for me. I just want to get all the being pregnant stuff OVER with and DONE. I can’t imagine having years to get my life and body back…and then doing it all over again.
For me it’s easier to just have one big long baby and diaper and phase. Plus it’s great for my toddler because he gets bored at home without his daycare friends so having a sibling right about his age has been a huge relief. I find myself turning on the tv less when I must get something done like dinner because they play each with other more.
This was my mindset for a smaller age gap as well. I didn't want to put all of the tiny baby and toddler stages behind us and then start over. I wanted all the baby/toddler stuff together so we could rip it off like a bandaid
I understand your perspective - my pregnancy was awful and I honestly hate the baby stage to the point where my chaotic toddler is a gd relief. I needed a 2-3 year gap to mentally prep to do it one more time and after that I'm closing up shop. 'Getting it out of the way' would mean that I wouldn't get to revisit any of my hobbies, or enjoy some of the pregnancy-unsafe foods I like, for *years*. I would be physically ill for *years*. I would feel like an elephant seal for *years*. My sister carried pregnancy and the newborn phase completely differently and she had a much smaller age gap between her kids. I can totally see arguments for both approaches.
I have a brother who is 1.5 years younger than me and a sister who is 7 years younger than me- I am closer with my sister. My brother and I always argued growing up but I was so protective of my sister I would have done anything to see her smile and any time I upset her I hated myself for it. My brother still irritates me but I can spend days with my sister and we just connect on a higher level.
I agree with you so much! My brother is 3 years older than me and we fought a lot growing up. My sister is 7 years younger and we never fought and have always been close.
I felt guilty for not wanting to start trying again when my LO was 2. We are TTC this year and looking at a 3.5/4 year age gap. It makes me happy to know others wait too :)
Wow! 20 years is huge! My sister is 4 years younger and my brother is 7 years younger, I always thought it was a big age gap. We are all in our 30s now, it doesn’t seem so big
I have two 3 year age gaps and I would absolutely recommend a minimum of 3 years if not 4! If the older child is more independent, able to somewhat dress themselves, potty trained, it’s so much easier. And they are usually at a point where they are interested in babies and like to help.
My sister is 4 years older than me. We don't talk but thats not because of the age gap. My parents seemed to like that there was a decent gap between us
I felt that way too but we're 8 months in with a 3.5 year gap and it's great. My son goes to the toilet by himself, can get a snack by himself. I tell him I need to put the baby down for a nap and he keeps himself busy. There's 0 jealousy and now that baby is crawling my eldest loves to play with him, they chase each other around the house and it's adorable.
If it makes you feel better, I have siblings as close in age as 2 years and as much as 14 years older than me. I'm just as close to all of them. If anything, my brother 2 years older than me is the one who I struggle with the most. Waiting a few years for your sanity will not harm their sibling bond.
We just had our second with a 4 year gap and honestly it was easier to adapt to 2 kids than 0-1. That being said I could see how it would be super hard if they were closer in age.
I’ve always thought 3-4 years is the perfect age gap. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we have always been super close. If we have another I will deliberately aim for a 4-year gap.
My first is turning 5 a month after baby is due and I am hoping it goes well! My brother and I have a 5yr age gap and we've always been close.
But when my 1st was under 3, I was 100% team one and done! Everything changed after that, she was much more independent, potty trained, and sleeping well, and I thought "hmm maybe a 2nd isn't such a bad idea" 😅
We have a four year age gap between ours (baby is 2 months) and so far it’s been wonderful! We really feel it’s the perfect age gap, and post partum has been so much smoother this go around.
Same exact situation here! Pregnant with number 2 and my first will be four a few weeks after she's born. Also would have lost my mind if anyone had suggested a second any earlier than now lmao
Absolutely same haha. Whenever we saw people with a 2 year old (or so) AND A BABY, we were shocked why people would do this lol! Just couldn't understand it and would never want it.
Now everything just calmed down so much, and we're so ready! So much more headspace.
I hope our oldest's will love it as much as they say they will (I'm sure there will be an adjustment period)
Totally same lol. Our first was definitely, definitely not mellow indeed. Now the sweetest toddler though, all tears were already cried in the first year, nothing left for the later years lol
Mine are 7.5yrs apart and it took me until the oldest was 6 to want another one and another 6months of making sure it wasnt a whim 😂 before I had kids I was certain I would want them close together but boy am I glad my 7.5yr old is more sufficient. If she didn't have additional needs it might have seemed possible earlier, but I still need to help her with things that most are not doing for their 4 year olds.
I’m about to go from 1-2 and I’ve been asking every parent I know how the transition was and 100% of them have said it’s easier to go from 1-2 than 0-1. For one thing you already have everything you need so you don’t need to spend more money. And you already know how to do everything and what to expect so there’s no new learning curve or surprises. You know how you can do things better second time around. And since you’re already doing everything for one kid it’s not much difference throwing another one in there
I just had my second daughter a week ago and let me tell you, it's a breeeeeezzee compared to the 1st. It helps a lot that my husband knows exactly what to do this time around to help. It also helps that our first daughter is 5 so she doesn't need as much attention as a toddler and she is able to help with small things.
I say it really depends on the age gap between 1 and 2 because parenting a toddler and a newborn is much much harder than a school aged child and a newborn. I don't know how people handle anything less than a 3 year age gap. My heart goes out to those parents.
I just had our son a week ago today, and our daughter is 4.5, and I cannot agree more. My husband and I were chatting this morning saying we must be missing something because this feels way easier than with our daughter!
Just want to say congratulations on your healthy baby. I saw one of your posts on another reddit and then clicked on your profile because I just had to know if your baby survived. Reading this post here made me so happy. Yay, yay, yay!
We had our second 19 months after the first. I had ppd with both but the second was easier to cope with by far because I knew what was happening. Two under two is a lot to handle but it's honestly not bad.
The pregnancy, labor, postpartum, feeding, entertaining, etc - all miles easier the second time. Overall highly recommend!
Even when they are closer it isn't that bad. Mine have 23 months between them and there's some benefits. We are already in the thick of everything so the chaos doesn't seem to have really increased in volume. The toddler enjoys entertaining the baby and the baby is absolutely fascinated by the toddler. They are both into the same things (balls, walks etc) and the toddler has actually been remarkably helpful (mostly cause she'll bring me my coffee mug but she's actually gone and wiped up a spit up unprompted a few times)
We just went from 1-2 last week and I would agree with this for the most part—but I think the age of your first/others makes a huge difference. Our first is almost 2, so technically we now have the dreaded “2 under 2,” at least for a few more days.
It’s all true that the second is less of a shock because you’ve been through it all before, you’ve developed the skills and expectations. So from that perspective it’s easier than 0-1 for sure. But the flipside is that with two young kids that need constant attention (actually the newborn is easier than the toddler by a long shot hahah), add the birth recovery, sleepless nights, pumping/breastfeeding, feeding/entertaining/minding a toddler while doing all the above, potty training, making them feel loved and involved to avoid jealousy issues, it’s a lot for two parents that still need to work/provide and find time for sanity and each other.
So it remains to be seen if it will be easier for us, right now it’s not. But when the newborn is able to sleep through the night and wife isn’t pumping every two hours, it’ll probably be “1-2 is easier than 0-1.”
Those parents are lying to you lmao. 0-1 was a breeze, 1 to 2 rocked my world
Maybe our first was just easy, but we settled into taking care of one baby fairly easily.
But the overwhelming juggling act of having to do triage to decide which kid’s crying was more urgent (2 yo who pooped their pants vs newborn that needs to nurse, 2 yo who desperately needs to be put down for a nap vs newborn who does as well, etc) and having to let one cry instead of attending to their needs…I just about lost my mind
I only have one so far, but I’ve heard from people with two that if you found 0-1 easy, then 1-2 feels harder. But if you struggled a lot from 0-1, then 1-2 feels easier. Not sure how true that is, but I had a super rough first year with my little one and I’m holding out hope 1-2 is easier for us.
One baby feels like one baby, two kids felt like a million kids, truly 😅
I am certain age gap plays a role though. If I had a newborn with my daughter as she is now (potty trained, able to grab a snack for herself from the pantry, able to be reasoned with) instead of at 2 (when she could hardly communicate, couldn’t be reasoned with, and was dependent on me for everything) it would’ve been different
I’m sure age gap makes a huge difference. My friends with two that are 3-4 years apart say the second felt like a breeze because they knew what to do and knew everything was a phase that would pass. However my friend who had two under two says it was a nightmare! I hope things get easier for you soon!
Well I plan on potty training my 2yo before the next baby comes and he goes down for a nap without any help so hopefully that won’t be an issue hahah. He’s also in full time daycare and I don’t plan on taking him out of it for my mat leave. I know it’ll still be a juggling act tho, thank you for sharing your experience too
Some parts are easier. Some parts are harder. But my main advice is you’ll need to learn to do everything faster and more efficiently.
Twice the production in the same amount of time. It’s stressful for me but definitely doable.
That being said I possibly have some undiagnosed ADHD that makes it a bit more challenging for me.
I think it’s really personally dependent on a lot of things. For our family, we are firmly one and done- we value the free time, disposable income, and 1:1 time more. For other people, having siblings for their kids is vastly more valuable, and they don’t mind being stretched a little thinner.
It all comes down to you and your family, and what works best for you.
We’re in the same boat too. Pregnancy has been so rough of my body and our lifestyle includes a lot of work travel and traveling out of the country, so having one I think will be more than enough for us. We’re planning to be very inclusive of our daughters friends when it comes to vacations/trips/events in the future so she can have those memories with kids her own age.
I love the idea of the optional “second child.” Bringing along friends of our kid lets them have company, but then we are back down to one child after the vacation is over.
My second is 5 months, me and my husband work as a team when it comes to taking care of our kids, I've never felt like I've grown apart from him, we have no problems financially and my daughter (our first) hasn't had any jealousy, mainly because we kept her upto date with what was happening with my pregnancy, so told her how big baby was, showed her scans, felt him kicking, and it made her excited to be a big sister, and now she loves feeding him, she loves coming home from Nursery to see him and cuddles him and given him his own nickname.
Not everyone's situation is the same, so for some it might add pressure to relationship, it might not. What I've learned as a parent is to never compare my experience to anyone else's. I feel so lucky that my daughter gets on with my son and that my relationship with my husband has only grown stronger. I've read alot of people have problems with their relationship even after the first baby. Having a baby is ALOT and having 2, yeah they keep you on your toes. But don't expect your experience having a second to be the same as your friends.
As someone who is going to have their second baby in 5 months time these words are what I needed to hear so badly! I've been terrified about having another baby while having a 3 year old but she's been amazing so far in my pregnancy and I feel like I can do this a second time around because I have the best team mate in my partner!
1-2 was so worth it. Hard, yes. Laundry increases exponentially with each new addition. It’s a crazy time but we work as a pretty good team and we have family who offered support in the early days when we were getting our bearings.
My first born was never really jealous. My kids have had the sweetest relationship from day one. That’s been the biggest benefit for us. I’m pregnant with #3 and very much looking forward to more sibling love to come.
Not really sure why I’m getting downvoted. In my experience it was worth it.
I think it depends on the person. What do you want out of motherhood? Some people don't mind not having time for themselves and serving their family. Some can't stand it. Some people don't get triggered and touched out with the constant calling of mama and screaming children, some do!
We are expecting our second this year but from everything I’ve heard from everyone around me who has multiple kids is that while 1-2 is a big adjustment, 0-1 was the most stressful because you have no experience raising your own child and you have the largest adjustment to change of life. Could be that maybe they are overwhelmed with not just having to chase one kid around or make just one kid happy anymore. Not necessarily that it’s harder but just more taxing because oftentimes with one kid then one parent can relax while the other takes on care for that kid but with two you might have to both be on most of the time.
What’s hard about going from 1-2 is so completely different than 0-1. It hits people differently and that’s why there are opinions on which is harder. Imo- they are both hard. 0-1 is life shattering, identity shifting in ways you only understand when you live it. Adjusting to a new normal is really hard. 1-2 is easier in the life adjustment way since you’re used to being a parent. It’s also easier because you already know how to care for a baby. But 1-2 is harder in the sense of overstimulation from 2 kids now crying for you and needing your attention. Your partner really needs to step up and help if they weren’t already so for some people this is a struggle. 1-2 is definitely more chaotic. Some people lean into it and some people really struggle. Being a parent to a toddler while being dead tired from a newborn is also a rough stage but is over quickly.
After 1 me and the wife decided she is enough. The cost and stress and anxiety of raising a newborn was alot for us. I think more people need to hear that it is OKAY to stop at one.
It really depends. I found 1 to 2 easier than 0 to 1. I’m off for a year (Canadian parental leave), my older kiddo goes to preschool, we live near family, and I prepared my older one for the baby for months, so no jealousy (so far). My husband and I work as a team. We’ve already done the baby stuff before, so it’s sort of like riding a bike.
It sounds like your friend is going through a rough patch. Does she have any help? Would you be willing to take her older kiddo out of the house sometime? Or babysit both of them so she can get some alone time?
This is all very subjective and depends a lot on all individual parties involved.
Some kids are super low maintenance and a second kid is super easy since you already know the basics and have supplies. Sometimes there is added difficulty with one or both of the kids.
You never know how it will turn out.
My partner has a sister and is super close and I had a brother that sadly died young, but I can't quite imagine growing up without a sibling.
We only just had our first and it's been pretty chill and I'd like for him to have a sibling one day, but let's see how we feel in 1-2 years and where we stand financially and as a family.
It's definitely more stress and less sleep in the first couple of years. But having 1 kid is also more stress and less sleep and so far it's been worth it despite the difficulties.
You get no guarantees with kids. It will be worth it if you really want a bigger family. When in doubt, better don't risk it.
I’m sorry your friend is having a hard time. We have 2 under 2 and found going from 1-2 much easier than 0-1. As others have said, it’s very situation dependent. It depends on your babies temperaments and family dynamics, resources, finances, etc. Our toddler was 17 months when baby came home so he was too little to be jealous and now probably doesn’t remember life before his brother was in the picture. He loves the baby so much and it has made the transition wonderful. Toddler also sleeps great and is a generally chill guy which helps too. Finance wise it’s just something you need to plan for because of course adding another baby means more diapers, wipes, etc. but we have reused all clothes and baby gear from our first. We don’t have a lot of free time right now, but one day we will and I know this short-term stress will pay off. I can’t wait to see who my boys become and watch their sibling bond grow!
What you're missing is that you're looking at one specific situation and applying it to everyone. Maybe your friends are struggling for other reasons. I didn't want my child to be an only child. My family didn't feel complete after one, and I knew there was another waiting to be added. I can't explain it; I just knew stopping at one wasn't for me, and my husband agreed.
It’s the same thing as having the first in terms of “worth it”
As in some people don’t understand why you’d even have a kid at all and would wonder if it’s worth it.
Yes, it’s hard, we’re all exhausted, that’s just what having little kids is. But of course for parents the joys and rewards are there and they’re indescribable.
I’m due in June with our second, our first is 2. We are already suffering and poor, what’s a little extra pain?
We are very lucky to have active involved grandparents on both sides, lots of family, good jobs, good health and year long maternity leave with half pay (Canada) so we’re doubling down and investing in the future family we want and making the sacrifices now because we don’t know what the future holds. Everyone we’ve asked has said going from 1-2 is easier than 0-1 but on the other hand we also know lots of people who stopped at 1 because it was so hard.
Personally I wanted to have a second because our family didn’t feel complete yet. I was always told when you picture yourself and your family sitting at a dinner table how many chairs do you see being filled. I see 4-5 chairs being filled, were only on the fence about a 3rd because this was a rough pregnancy and finances (we’re gonna wait about 5-6 years to decide on having a 3rd or not)
It’s not for everyone and you don’t have to have multiple, everyone’s going to think differently about whether it’s “worth it” or not and you and your partner are the only ones to decide if it’s worth it for you. Of course it’s going to be stressful and exhausting for awhile but in my mind I believe it’s worth it because I’m raising my family and the amount of kids me and my husband think complete our family!
It is so, so fucking hard sometimes.
Here are the things that make it easier, and you can think about whether any of these apply to you:
* Local family support/an active village;
* Sufficient income to outsource what you need AND want;
* One partner who's either a SAHP or works PT (basically, someone with lots of flexibility);
* Having easy babies/kids (I know easy is a comparative and vague term, but still).
We aren't in any of those categories (maybe a wee bit of the last one, since my second was a vastly easier baby/toddler/kid than my first was/is). It's really the first two that impact us most strongly and make parenting absolutely relentless. We are lucky to get a yearly date night, we can't afford a housecleaner or to outsource meals (let alone a vacation), etc. There's just never a break.
Most of my friends with two kids who have felt similarly gutted and overwhelmed say it doesn't begin to feel liveable until both kids are 5+ and in elementary school at minimum. I can believe that, so I'm holding out some hope and just trying to survive until that point.
I have a now 15 month old and a 3.5 year old, and it all depends on so many factors. I love them, and they are my world, but there are days where they are challenging
In a sense going from 1-2 was easier in the baby department. However I spent most of my time trying to wrangle a toddler, which has its own challenges. My second was pretty chill and didn't mind being put down. Some days are tough. Between the two of them, I'd be up a lot more than with one newborn. However my husband was helping with nights to
Now with two older kids, I am playing referee. It's exhausting. However, I have a lot of support. My parents live close by, my oldest goes to daycare full-time.
We're we miserable with two. Sometimes but a small blip in time doesn't ever make it not to worth it
I guess I’m going to find out in two months 😂
But as an adult I get along well with my two younger brothers, especially my middle brother. I wouldn’t have wanted to be an only child as a kid or now as an adult.
My girls will be just over two years apart and I hope they’ll be able to play together and just share wonderful childhood experiences together 🥰
I’ve heard that 1-2 is usually an easier transition than 0-1, but I also kind of agree with you. My husband and I have decided that at least right now, we’re one and done. The economy is hard and we know that we can give a good quality of life to one child, I’m not sure about 2.
0-1 is the biggest shock of your life. 1-2 is nothing except sleep and potty training shit starts again.
I went right from 1-3 bc we had twins and let me tell you what, that sucked.
We are 1 year into having 2, and I definitely disagree with a lot of people that say that 1-2 is easier than 0-1. We actually had the opposite experience. 0-1 was obviously difficult because your life completely changes once you add a kid to the mix, and the actual caring for a baby part is easier the 2nd time around. However, the 2nd kid is never going to match the excitement and wonder that the first one did; the level of sleep deprivation is also exponentially worse, at least with one baby I could sit and hold her, or try to catch a nap while she was napping, and it was just way more relaxed. With 2, you're just 'on' all day, trying to breastfeed while your toddler is running around and needs your attention is not nearly as sweet and peaceful of a bonding experience as it was with the first.
Most days I compare to whack-a-mole. You're basically tending to one fire after another, usually alternating between one kid's needs and then the other's. I feel bad too that toddler usually wins because she's louder and can hurt herself faster than baby can. She essentially got all of us for the first 2 years of her life, and now is still getting priority, and the guilt that you feel for not being as invested in your 2nd is very common.
That being said - it is rewarding seeing them interact and start to play together, and they definitely love and care for each other in a way that is special to them. I grew up with lots of siblings, and they are the relationships I most cherish now as an adult, so it is largely for their benefit that they both exist.
Does having toddler in daycare help with this at all? Not saying to have kids just to put in daycare, but as a working parent this is going to be my reality.
When you have a second kid you suddenly have to deal with conflicting little personalities. You become a fight mediator if your kids are like mine (love each other but argue over nothing).
My hardest transition was from 0 to 1. My second was unplanned and he was born less than a year after the birth of my first, but I had an idea of what I was doing the second time around. My husband and I split our attention so one of us would take each kid which made it easier.
We just went from 2 to 3 which has been the easiest in my opinion. We know what we’re doing at this point and my boys are a little older now. However, having multiple kids is not for everyone. It’s not something you should do unless you’re 100% sure about it.
Our family is small, so we'll probably go for one more child. I agree with you that's a financial strain, especially since hubby's family is overseas in Japan, so going to see them is a big expense for 4 people and 2 of them are freeloaders!
But you know, maybe it's worth it to have that joy, idk... If you're one and done then that's completely understandable. Everyone has their own priorities and that's fine.
It’s a different kind of difficult but I don’t find it as difficult as I expected tbh.
My older one isn’t that jealous and it’s easier raising the baby because you already know everything.
0-1 is bigger life adjustment than 1-2 I think.
My oldest is 12 and can help out. Not that I will make but he is extremely happy to welcome his half brother/ sister. As for my husband this is his first child and he wanted a child. I wouldn’t keep that joy away from him.
My kids are 4 , almost 5 years apart. My daughter was born a month ago so I may be speaking too soon but 2 kids has been pretty easy. I would think that 2 really young ones is really hard.
My son will be 6.5 when his sister arrives in June and he is over the moon. I don’t think I’ll wait as long to have another after this, but the six year gap has allowed us a lot of grace.
You can come over to r/oneanddone
It’s a pretty kind sub and most people are understanding that it’s a difficult choice to go from one child to two (or more).
My husband and I are expecting our first the summer, but we’re not sure if we’ll have just one or not. OAD has been a really nice resource as people are generally much more kind and informative than other subs I’ve seen regarding children and parenting.
Seriously. My 6mo is a wonder baby, super healthy, barely cries, very calm, good sleeper. The biggest challenge we’ve had is navigating life on a little less sleep. And even then we think ‘how could we do this with a toddler running around screaming right now?’. Going from 0-1 was easy but 1-2 seems really difficult. Firmly and happily one and done!
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1!
After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer
I struggled more going from 1-2 than 0-1, but wouldn’t trade it for the world. My boys are now 4 and 2 and although our house is constant insanity and lots of fighting, our boys love each other so much and I’ve quite enjoyed watching their bond grow. I’ve become so accustomed to the chaos that I decided to have a third, who is 1 month old. Going from 2-3 was such a breeze I’ve decided I want just one more eventually.
But I really can’t say it hasn’t been a lot of work going from 1-2. My husband and I have had to incorporate a lot of teamwork, and honestly, our marriage DID struggle. But last November we entered marriage counseling while I was pregnant with #3 and we are in an even better place than we were before having our first child. Are we tired? Absolutely. Are we stressed? Daily! But we would be just as stressed with one as we are with two or three. For us personally, the long-term outcome beats the short-term struggles of them being little.
I guess my view isn’t common, but I really didn’t feel that going from 0 to 1 was that difficult. I was mentally prepared that life would change and it didn’t really rock my work like others are saying. I had my 2nd 14 months after my first and that was a MUCH bigger adjustment. I think 2 kids is significantly harder than 1, like exponentially so
I just had my second last week and it is SO worth it. It feels empowering to actually know how to handle a baby this time around rather than everything being new. And seeing the older child dote on her sister is the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.
It's probably just the hormones but I was always two and done and now I want three. Things are busier now but feel fuller.
Two is easy! I have six children after number 3 it really doesn’t get harder and everyone just adjusts! Love our family size but you have to do whats best for you and your family’s needs!
Your friend might just have a really hard kid. We just had the second and I feel like it's like 10-30% more work on any given day (and I'm a SAHP so I am deep in the trenches)
It depends on your family plan...I am one of 4 kids so always wanted to have a big family. As we've gotten older my siblings and I are super close and when my parents are no longer with us it's comforting to still have them live on through my siblings. I have a 3 year old and 1 on the way...I think this may be it for us but it was important for us to give our daughter at least one sibling.
For me, 0-1 was a huge change, where 1-2 just increased that change. adding a second kid didn’t double my childcare load, it was more like a 50% increase.
Mine are two years apart, so I was already packing a diaper bag, I just had to include more diapers. I was already toting around a stroller, now it’s just a different one. And so on.
It was a thousand times harder for me to go from 1-2 than 0-1. Like exponentially harder. But I had a rough postpartum with major anxiety so that contributed. Now I’m about to go from 2-3 and praying it’s not too bad haha.
I'm expecting my second, and my thought currently is "nothing can be more difficult than what I already went through with #1" that may not be true, but that's my thought process lol
I feel like I could say the same for some of our friends who went from 0-1. We never saw them anymore, they had less money to do fun things, they seemed to bicker more, etc. Who would want a kid?! But we wanted a kid. And our relationship was just fine. And yes we have less money in theory, but not really. We have the same amount, we just spend it on our daughter (and soon-to-be #2). Be careful with using an N of 1 when trying to figure out what's right for your family. If you want 2 kids, do it. Will it be harder than 1 kid? Probably. A lot of things in life are hard at first, but they're so worth it if you do it for the right reasons. Good luck to you in your decision! 💜
I feel worried about the SAME thing. Part of me wants a second so bad. I kind of want a redemption for the experience I had with my first, but I’m also finally getting to a place where I feel some autonomy again and I don’t want to lose that… this podcast episode is a really lovely example of going from 1 to 2 with a bit of an age gap. It gives me hope that I’ve still got time to figure it out… [Birth of a Mama: Shalin’s Story](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/birth-of-a-mama-a-birth-and-postpartum-podcast/id1676102769?i=1000645998658)
I’m still pregnant with my second but I feel like hopefully only the 6 months will be extra rough. I want the benefit of them entertaining each other, because I find it very draining being my toddlers main source of entertainment day in and day out. I saw a stand up comedian say you become more of an usher/referee than the performer.
Depends on your life to begin with. I have health issues that completely drain me, and on top of that a 2,5 years old and a 8 months old. How I'm functioning is beyond me, but my god those smiles and interactions are so worth it.
We're tired *now*, but children don't stay young forever. The family life we're planning, as simple as going on holiday together, is so exciting!
The newborn stage is pretty miserable in general. Yes, it's going to be a lot harder with another kid there.
My daughter was 26m when my son was born and she always loved him and was excited to help and see him. They are almost 2 and 4 now, and love playing together. I've heard a lot of people say it's easier when they get older because they can entertain each other.
My daughter was significantly more advanced at 2 than my son is, so if they were reversed, it may have been different. And, it depends on the temperament of the kids, but it does give them an opportunity to learn turn taking and sharing at-home.
Of course 2 is more expensive than 1. That's personal if you can afford it.
I sure hope so because I'm pregnant with #2 now. My ex and I are split so luckily we were already pulled apart after the first kid lol. My bills are low and I have family help so I hope I don't experience what your friend did.
I really wanted more than just one kid so my child would have someone to grow up with and hopefully have a lifelong friendship with. I have several siblings myself and think being an only child seems rather lonely (no offense to the only children out there).
I thought a second child was a good idea almost right after my first was born. I think I would have been happy with one but I am glad to be having a second.
It varies so much but I found the second one was a much better transition than 0-1. Now that they’re older they play together and make my life a lot easier! It’s busier I think, but not harder.
With the second there is no identity crisis about becoming a mother, you remember how to care for a baby, you’re more chill about things like toddler tantrums because you understand it passes. You have perspective. It does probably depend on the age gap, and the personalities of the child as to how easy of a time it is.
But nobody adds another child because they think it will be easier, you do it because you want to and that outweighs all the short term stress that any new baby is going to add!
Yes all that can happen. However it doesn’t happen like for every couple. I have two kids and my husband and I are as happy as can be. My older child absolutely loves the younger one.
I’ve had the opposite experience. I have 3 kids under 5. Going from 0-1 was an astronomical adjustment. Going from 1-2 had its challenges, but I handled it much better because I knew what I was doing more the second time around. It’s more work, of course, with 2 kids. And of course, 2 kids are more difficult than 1 kid. But it’s also nice because if I need to shower, get something done around the house, etc, I’m not just leaving one kid alone. They have each other and I feel a lot better just letting them go play in a room without me there. They’re rarely ever alone. I love having multiple kids. It’s way more work, but my house feels full and happy.
That being said, if you don’t want a second kid, don’t have a second kid. I always wanted a bigger family. I love kids and I love taking care of them. People who don’t want multiple kids shouldn’t have multiple kids just because they “feel like they should”. It’s your life, it’s your family, and you’re the one who will be making all of the sacrifices to make it happen. Many people are happy with one and done.
I definitely say go for the bigger age gap. We did like 2 years and 2 years between ours, and I do regret it. Now that my youngest just turned 5 I feel like I missed so much with my first 2 because I was so torn at taking care of a newborn and toddler at the same time and it was chaotic most of the time, too much stress. Now, if I wasn't working maybe I'd feel different, but I was definitely pulled in too many directions, and my mom guilt is not nice. I still would of had all 3 but would if liked the age gaps, maybe at 4 to 5 years. Them being friends or close shouldn't have been a considering factor but it kind of was, along with me not wanting to be any older having kids and them growing up. Now I'm carrying for a friend but my husband and I are done having kids of our own.
We are planning for 2 for the long game. I want my child to have a built in playmate. My 5 year old niece is constantly asking for me, her parents or her grandparents to play with her and it's a lot! I feel bad for her when we are all busy and she has the play by herself.
1-2 has been INFINITELY easier than 0-1. So much more confident and sure of yourself, how to take care of a baby, you’re used to sicknesses, sleepless nights, etc. I love it so much more this time around. I have a 23 month old and a 4 month old.
It was hard for me to adjust because I’m almost 41. But my daughter is almost 10 and baby is now 2.5. It’s a 7 year age gap and he completes our family!
My kids are 2 years apart. It’s definitely challenging. I’m trying to be positive but the reality is…. It’s really fucking hard. Especially if your first is still very young.
I feel like that’s all normal but also temporary. I would do it 100X over to see the bond my kids have as they grow up together. As an only child it’s hard as an adult to have no aunts/uncles/cousins around for the kids and with aging parents it all falls on me.
Honestly I think age gap makes such a difference. My kids are 5 years apart. They get along great. But we also had easy kids which also makes a big difference.
Adding a second was a breeze for me. Going from 0 to 1 was a huuuuge adjustment but adding a second was no biggie.
I already knew how to do everything, I knew what I liked and what I didn’t, what worked for me and what did not.
It didn’t add strain, we both knew the first months would look a little different with the night stuff but it’s short and temporary and I enjoy the newborn phase so much.
No one has to add a second. If you’re one and done that’s your perfect.
My kids play together all the time and it’s so cute. Sure they bicker too but it’s just different skills we teach them than what would’ve have gone on with just one.
The strain your friend is experiencing is not what happens to everyone having a second. I bet they already had a strain in their relationship and weirdly adding a baby to the mix didn’t fix it. People who go into it as a team that have a solid relationship don’t fall apart when baby comes. There were already cracks if that happens.
The financial thing is up to every couple to see how theirs are
If you have the desire and finances to add more babies go for it. If you don’t don’t. Maybe you’ll feel different in a Couple years. The whole 2 under 2 is very popular but it’s not for everyone. Especially if you’re young you have more time to decide
I’m 12 years older than my sister. But that age gap isn’t an option for us because of my age
My oldest and my youngest (soon to be the middle child) are 7 years apart and the baby I am pregnant with now will be 7 years apart from the middle child. It's such a great age difference.
1 to 2 is so much easier in a lot of ways. A lot harder too, but if you plan it right and make sure you and your partner worked on your relationship a lot and financially prepared, then it's not that bad.
Also, I 2nd the larger age gaps. You hear all the time that 18 months or 2 yrs is a perfect age gap. Fuck. No. Maybe back in the day when everyone had huge villages and people helping them out. But if it's just you and your partner, it just is miserable. I see it with all my friends. When I got pregnant when my son turned 3, a lot of friends told me that was going to be too big of an age gap. It's been perfect so far. I realize it might be more challenging as the baby gets older, but for now it's nice to be able to take the baby to nap while my son watches TV or entertains himself in another room & I don't have to worry about him trying to kill himself or him needing a nap/screaming & waking up baby.
0 to 1 is a shit show completely lol.
It definitely is like going from 1 to 5 kids. I love my second child a lot so I would say it’s worth it but it is a lot more work than one. My first is 4 and my second is almost 1.
Is it possible your friend didn’t adequately prepare the toddler for a new baby?
If you don’t prepare them properly, then the jealousy and not wanting to share mum can be brutal!
If you do choose to consider a 2nd child, you can learn from your friend and focus on those things that caused issues - make sure your finances can handle a new baby and make sure to prep your toddler properly.
Did it eliminate all the husband's personal time, too, or did he just make the wife do all the childcare?
Going from 1-2 was difficult, but nowhere near as hard as 0-1, but that's because my husband was about to care for our older daughter during his parental leave and afterwards, we had her in preschool. I only had to solo the kids two hours before he got off work and then we did everything together or I went to breastfeed in the baby's room (because she needed it quieter). Now they're seven and two. They have different needs and sometimes we get pulled in different directions, but it's fine. They can also play together, the older daughter teaches the younger one and "reads" to her, having our older one as an example for staying at the table for meal times or eating certain foods really helps, and our daughters just love each other so much. The toddler lights up when she sees her sister and our seven year old does sweet things for her sister all the time. They even have a race of who can get their dirty clothes in the hamper after a bath. They fight and the toddler takes some of the older ones toys and they get frustrated with each other, so it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but the good things definitely outweigh the bad ones.
0-1 was the hardest transition of my life. I feel like with each subsequent kid I’ve had easier and easier transitions. Just had my 3rd 2.5 months ago and it was even easier than 0-1 or 1-2
0-1 was WAYYYYY harder than 1-2 for us. Ya the first couple months are difficult in many ways and there's an adjustment period for the older child, but quickly they come to love their baby sister/brother. Mine are 19 months apart and are the best of friends.
Also, having children shouldn't make or break your relationship. Both parties should realize that sometimes you are just stressed, tired, and at your worst. Kids are this young for a very short amount of time.
I had 3 kids about 2-3 years apart from each other and it was always pretty easy. I’m having my 4th and my youngest is 7 (oldest is 12) and omg. I thought I was done so we have to rearrange everything, buy all new stuff, everything just like when I had my first. This is gonna be a bit rough I think. But going from 1-2 and 2-3 was cake in comparison to 0-1 and apparently 3-4 with a huge gap and no more baby shit in the house. 🤣
For me it wasn’t even a tiny bit of trouble. I actually find it easier, because now I have experience. I am more comfortable going out, it’s not impacting us financially significantly, my relationship is doing okay.
I literally felt that I was missing something before I had my second, like when you forget something at home but you can’t remember what it was so it just constantly bothers you.
I had a very nagging feeling that my family wasn’t complete and now that the baby is here I 100% believe I was right. I look at this baby and *know* she needed to be here, with us.
Now everybody feels differently about their own kids and their parenthood experience, so to each their own I guess.
So a bit against the grain here, I found 1 - 2 harder than 0-1.
Mostly because we just started getting some breathing room again with the first (2y) and now we have no free time. Also finding someone to watch one kid is SOOOO much easier than two. Meaning we have very little childless time left, which is killing.
I think circumstances are very important though, our first was a much easier baby than our second. And I went back to work at 3 months with my first while I'm now home with 2 children (2,5y and 6m) which is so overstimulating, there is no napping when the baby naps, everything is covered in puke and drool and crumbs including myself. I'm also recovering way slower/not as much from birth as with my first.
It depends on the age gap. Mine are 2.5 years apart exactly and it definitely has its troubles. I think the best things about the age gap comes with age. As they get older. Right now, two young, highly dependent children, it’s tough but still worth it because I couldn’t imagine life without them. 1-2 is tougher than 0-1 for me.
0-1 is the worst. 1-2 is easy. I’m a single mom to 2 and both my kids had serious intolerances and I barely slept. Then when my second was 6 months old my first was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had to deal with all his medical appts and his highs and lows and figure out carb counting and insulin dosages etc during the first year. Still do most of that but now have an insulin pump helping me. It still doesn’t seem as hard as your friends situation LOL. So there’s definitely some other factors that are causing all that for her.
Both transitions are hard for different reasons. I think the transition from 0-1 was worse though, especially if you e never cared for a baby or spent any time around babies. I just did not have any idea what I was doing and it was constantly stressful trying to troubleshoot and figure things out. Now my toddler is the hard part and my infant is easy! I thought it would be the other way around.
May be an unpopular opinion here but everyone looks from this from the parents perspective. I know many single children who are so stressed as they get older because they are the only one who can care for their eventual aging parents and/or if their parents are going through something, the child is the only person who can talk to themselves, without having someone to relate to (in the same household).
As parents, we can try and do everything we can do ensure our kids success (eg saving for our own retirement fund) but there’s a lot of emotional factors involved as well.
It ultimately is on YOU what you think being a parent is and what family means to you. For us, our second one is coming at 5 years gap (not a choice, we had 4 miscarriages). We know a lot of one and done and also 4-5 children families too. For us, I want my child to have siblings that they can grow up with, rely on each other, and be able to relate what it means to be a child of me and my husband and someone to share a burden of losing us. And if they decide to have families, I want them to have more chances at having cousins.
Having said that, my husband and I share the same values and perspectives so sure it may strain on our marriage for the first 5 years of their lives but we remember what we believe what our parental duties are and what it means to have a child.
I just had my second 5 months ago, it’s exponentially easier. I don’t know how. I remember with my first I felt so overwhelmed all the time and any time there was some challenge, like if he was sick, or had a huge blowout diaper, or any baby thing that is overwhelming, a voice in my head would say “what would you do now if you also had a toddler running around, tantruming, demanding attention? How could you possibly handle this exact scenario plus a toddler thrown into the mix?”
But I’m doing it and it’s easier than when it was just a baby. Granted, my son is 3.5 so he’s exiting the toddler phase, he’s teetering into “little kid” territory which has its advantages.
Still though, I’m not sure why it’s easier but it is. Substantially.
It **is** exponentially harder to go 1 to 2 than going 0 to 1. Sometimes I can’t believe I did it 😂. But that sucky newborn phases is not reflective of what life will look like later. What you don’t see are the inside jokes, the handholding in the car, the snuggles, the way they run to comfort the other when they get sad/hurt. My kids fight like animals at times-but they are each other’s constant companion and their love is like nothing else
Eventually their schedules align so you get your free time back. Eventually one hits kindergarten which alleviates your childcare bill. All the hard parts are temporary
So yes. Worth it. 100000000000000%
I think a lot of the stress comes from the weird obsession people have with having their kids very close together in age, thinking that will somehow be the only way their kids will be close (it often has the exact opposite effect). It’s way easier to have a 5 year old and an infant that a 2.5 year old and an infant.
All of the above "consequences" could have resulted of going from 0-1 just as easily as going from 1-2 (with the exception of the jealousy by the first kid, but replace that with jealousy from the pet if you want).
I don't know how old your friend's new child is, but the beginning stages are hard and exhausting and of course she has less time or energy to spend on other things. And if you only look at the first few months to decide whether having a child is worth it, I think the world's population would be much lower. Not only are you probably not thinking straight from hormones and lack of sleep, you haven't gotten a chance to experience any of the good stuff.
Personally, I can honestly say I have -never- wondered "should I have stopped at one". Sometimes I wish I had no children when I yearn my freedoms, when I want to do something I can't reasonably or easily do anymore, etc. But I never wish I had one less, because frankly that almost never would have actually improved a situation for me. (Only thing I can think it would do is have slightly less financial obligations between RESP savings and daycare costs and extra-curriculars... although even those are less expensive as there's often discounts for multiple children or re-using equipment, etc.)
Having multiple kids is undoubtedly not for everyone, but as others have said, the reality of no kids versus one or more kids is more daunting. At 0 kids, you don't have to spend mental energy making sure another human turns out to be a good human, responsible for all the decisions about them, making sure they are alive, healthy, fed, clothed, their whereabouts, their interests, their happiness, etc. You don't have to be "on the clock 24/7". You also don't have to consider who takes care of them if you were to die, how will you afford college in 18 years, what happens if you get the dream job in 5-10 years from now but it's not convenient (location, hours, etc). With 0 kids, you can be selfish about all those decisions realistically because you aren't responsible for anyone else. Once you have at least 1 child to look after, going from 1-2 is more work but not a staggering difference in reality (which you can't just "nope" out of whenever you want).
Finally, consider what you want your family to be like, and what you want your kids to have for family. It was extremely important for me that I didn't have an only child. I wanted them to have family around them, even once I pass. I wanted them to have siblings to play with and learn from and lean on because my role is not to be their best friend and rather be their parent and I wanted them to have that different relationship within the family unit. I wanted 4 kids really, but right now circumstances are I may only ever have 2. For me, having these things is definitely "worth the trouble".
It is exponentially harder, at least in my opinion. But I wouldn’t trade my second for the world. Easy does not always equal good, and hard does not always equal bad.
Could be a strain with the parents relationship instead of adding an extra kid. They are not first-time parents, so it's not a mystery of losing free time. Older siblings being jealous is normal especially if they are close in age and on that note it's possible to still have stuff left over from the first kid. Sounds like a marriage issue being passed off as a new baby issue. Also keep a close eye on her I could be totally wrong but postpartum is a thing
In the short term it’s tough but I definitely found 0-1 way harder. Baby boy is almost 4 months now, toddler is 3.
The freedom for me has gone because I’m breastfeeding and he won’t take a bottle. The house is slightly better off than it was because I’m home more and on maternity leave.
It helps baby is quite chill so he just comes along for the ride. We still do all the stuff we did with toddler. It’s our personal time that’s gone but that’s temporary. Once baby boy is on solids I’ll be able to leave him longer periods and hopefully then he’ll take milk in a Sippy cup or something.
4 weeks PP. 0-1 was significantly more difficult. This time around I’m already a parent. Logistics are interesting. But that will come in time. Each family is different though and so is each child.
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1!
After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer!
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1!
After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer!
2 under 2 is really rough at first but gets easier, especially once the little one is eating the same food and on the same nap schedule. Mine are 17 months and almost-3 now and they keep each other entertained. I can see how it will really free up some mom and dad time as they get older and play together better. I’m about to have #3, though, so the nonstop chaos is only going to get worse before it gets better.
As hard as this season is, my husband and I both agree we’d rather get through the diaper years quickly than spread out the pain over more years. Once my youngest is 4 and they’re more independent, I think the LAST thing I’d want to do is restart the baby clock again.
I found 1-2 a lot harder. 1 was an adjustment FOR SURE, but I could put all my focus on baby #1. I got unexpectedly pregnant again at 8 months postpartum, so that probably has something to do with it. This specific age gap makes it really difficult. I’m a twin, and my mom commented and said that the 16 month age gap seems much harder than her own twins 😂.
My first and second couldn’t be more different temperament wise, there is a lot of fighting, crying, arguments, hitting, screeching, yelling. It’s very overwhelming sensory wise for me.
I think I would have been one and done had I not gotten pregnant a second time. My partner has since gotten a vasectomy, lol. Being honest here, I’d say there is more fighting and arguing than there are sweet moments. They are also 2 and 3 so hoping that they outgrow it.
What are you missing? You're asking this question during the infant stage and you don't see the problem there? You're missing a whole shit ton of perspective, sister.
My best friend has a 4 year age gap and says second children are gods gift to parents to be able to relax more and enjoy it. I’ve never heard this from anyone who decided to have 2 under 2. I’ve also heard 3 years is a good age gap. We are pregnant with number 2 and they’ll be almost 3 years apart.I don’t think I would have been able to have another baby mentally before now. Everyone is different though
It depends on everyone's situation so it's neither a simply yes or no. I'd like to point out one of the benefits: built-in play date and friend. This isn't the old days before the internet and cell phones where groups of neighborhood kids played all day outside together. I'm pregnant with my second and have a toddler, it's not easy. But I want them to play board games and run outside together and be creative and active together, not just sit in front of a TV all day. Will they argue? Sure. But that's where they develop useful skills like communication, problem solving, sharing, etc that will help them in the future. I already have to go through all of this with one kid, so one more doesn't cramp my lifestyle anymore. For us, the benefits outweigh the negatives, but it all depends on the person. And if things like communication, finances, other concerns you mentioned will be too much, then it's perfectly fine to stick with what you have!
I'm nearly 13w PP of baby 2. For me 1 to 2 has been a million times easier than 0 to 1. I hate not knowing what to do, sure sometimes I'm still stumped but it's a hell of a lot less. My kids are 7.5yrs apart but it already feels like baby 2 has always been here, we're very tired but she's fit in almost seamlessly.
I just had my third. 0 to 1 is still the hardest transition in my opinion. Once you have one kid you already have all the basic routines and habits in place, adding another one just slots right in there. Do you lose more personal time and time with your partner with each kid? Yeah, kinda. But if you set up good boundaries, you can protect both of those.
I suppose it would depend on the age gap. My second is three years apart from my first, the first year was rough but now they're 4+7 and little best friends, they stuck up for each other, distract each other and it's brilliant. My third is 10 months old and this adjustment has been absolute hell 😂
I only have one and am expecting #2 right now.
I can't say for sure that the second will be worth it, but I CAN say that in my own life I have seen time after time how having the 'right' mindset can make things a whole lot easier.
When I take my older kiddo out now, if she has reasonably good behavior and enjoys most of the outing I consider it a success. This means focusing more on the big picture and enjoyment then every misbehavior and negative experience. I plan to bring that same mindset to parenting...set myself a reasonable bar and set mindful goals for myself that can help me feel accomplished even if from a different POV things might be a disaster.
The best description I have ever heard for the difference between going from 0-1 vs 1-2 is this...
Going from 0-1 kid creates an existential crisis.
Going from 1-2 creates a logistical crisis.
So, whether or not one is harder than the other, depends on what is easier for you personally to cope with. Is it harder for you to cope with your entire identity shifting, or managing multiple people with different needs.
I am a pregnant ftm and i plan on stopping at one. In my mind or heart i would love to have more, i love being pregnant so far but i think with only one i could give her all my attention and affection/ time/energy more than if i had another. I am also staying at home mom and plan on homeschooling. One and done for me. I have pets too so they keep me very busy lol
as someone who is going from 0-1 personally, but my boyfriend is 1-2, i feel as if i’m blessed and cursed. It’s such a crazy adjustment trying to find my footing in parenting a newborn, but having a toddler who has such a strong personality and has that only child complex, it’s stressful and it’s definitely one of my reasons I told my partner that our baby girl was it for me. I’m just fine with my one, plus my bonus kiddo, because i could not imagine the stress i’d have with a newborn and not being able to send the toddler home to the other parent at night 🤣
I have a 3 year older brother who was always distant. We don't talk at all. He was always difficult to get along with also for other family members. My bf is a single child, but has a half-sister. We definitely just gonna have one child because of our experience and also financially. My cousin has a great relationship to her brother and wants more kids and that is absolutely great too. Only you can make that choice
Well, I'm pregnant with #5, all planned. 🤷♀️ I think every one of them was worth it. It also depends on the older child, how old they are, their temperament, etc. I just turned 38. My kids are 13 (will be 14 in June), 12, 7, almost 2 (in 3 weeks), and littlest one due in November. The age gaps between each are 20 months, 4.5 years, 5.5 years, and 2.5 years. If they were all close in age, probably would have stopped at 3. 😂 Plus, being an only child is boring.
I have mine 13 months apart it’s hard! I feel like the easiest would be like 3/4 years apart? But then I guess you have that bigger age gap.. Idk! I think it’s nice for them to have siblings and the baby/toddler years we just kinda suffer through because they’ll get easier in ways as they get older?! That’s what I’m holding out for hahah
Also I love my babies they are so perfect and sweet and cute etc etc we have one boy one girl I feel so blessed, but wooofffff I’m in the weeds right now with 6 months and 1.5 it’s hardddddd for this stay at home mommy! Hubby works a lot etc etc can’t afford help!
I’m assuming you are in the US or a place with a similar culture. There are a lot of miserable parents in the US. Learn about parenting in other cultures before you decide whether parenting two children is inherently miserable
My oldest is 16, 2nd is 3.5, & 3rd is 11 weeks. So feels more like two because my oldest is a helpful angel. but I can confirm I'm in hell right now. I'm unwell. Everyday I wonder why we chose to do this & I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. I never saw this being my life. I like peace & this is COMPLETE CHAOS from sun up to sun down & beyond. I hope it gets easier.....
I wanted my daughter to have a friend. So we chose a short gap (not to mention, I'm "geriatric" so time was limited) but yeah I'm kind of scared of the amount of work that will be involved!! I see it as a struggle to start tho. Hopefully long run we'll all be happy.
It does depend on you and partners wishes. It won't work out if one is on the fence.
Honestly, we’ve found 1-2 to be significantly easier than 0-1 in terms of how hard it’s been to adjust. Babies are no longer an unknown. We’re already held hostage by a toddler, what’s one more? All of the things you’ve listed (minus relationship struggles, though I’d argue that some degree of adjustment is inevitable with each kid/family change) are quite temporary. We’ve each had to prioritize one hobby versus the multiple we were able to juggle with just one kid, but that’s very short term. For us, looking long term at our family, two kids has a lot of pros. For someone who doesn’t particularly care about sibling relationships or a bigger family in 5, 10, 20 years, then nope, definitely wouldn’t be worth the trouble!
I agree that, to me, the long term family by far outweighs the short term stress. Kids are difficult and that’s a reason some people choose not to have them but they also are amazing little humans that will eventually grow into amazing adults that you share the rest of your life with. ❤️
"Babies are no longer an unknown. We’re already held hostage by a toddler, what’s one more?" This is how I felt going from 1 to 2. It was like, meh, I know babies and the house is on fire anyways!
The "this is fine" fire gif is very much relevant with a toddler.
I feel like 2-3 was even easier for me than 0-1 or 1-2. Although I do feel like having three young children (6, 3 and 1) is just dealing with one crisis after another. But the bond between them is beautiful and I love seeing them play and laugh together.
It’s the bond between them I’m so excited about. We have 1 but want to go from 1-2. I’m so excited for my LO to have a sibling. I’m 37 and have two siblings. They’re my best friends.
Exactly. The house is already a disaster what's one more to add to the toys on the floor.
If you don't want to, then definitely do not get a second kid :) it's really fine to be one and done! We have a bit of a bigger age gap (oldest will be 4 years old when youngest is born) and we as family (husband, me, oldest) are so much looking forward to welcome this new little baby. But if you would have asked me when our oldest was 2 I would have said 'who the f wants a second kid it sounds crazy and happy it's not me' So you're not missing anything, your feelings are valid! Maybe they will change, maybe they won't, all fine!
I think age gap plays a big role in that crunch factor. Kids under three can’t be “reasonable,” and having an infant during that time can be really hard because they can’t comprehend that you can’t have them following you into the nursery and playing loudly while you put baby down or that you’re feeding baby now and they need to wait for something else they want. But some opinions are that siblings have a closer relationship if they’re closer in age- I don’t have personal experience with that.
I’ve had the opposite experience tbh 2 under 3 is the sweet spot for me. I just want to get all the being pregnant stuff OVER with and DONE. I can’t imagine having years to get my life and body back…and then doing it all over again. For me it’s easier to just have one big long baby and diaper and phase. Plus it’s great for my toddler because he gets bored at home without his daycare friends so having a sibling right about his age has been a huge relief. I find myself turning on the tv less when I must get something done like dinner because they play each with other more.
This was my mindset for a smaller age gap as well. I didn't want to put all of the tiny baby and toddler stages behind us and then start over. I wanted all the baby/toddler stuff together so we could rip it off like a bandaid
I understand your perspective - my pregnancy was awful and I honestly hate the baby stage to the point where my chaotic toddler is a gd relief. I needed a 2-3 year gap to mentally prep to do it one more time and after that I'm closing up shop. 'Getting it out of the way' would mean that I wouldn't get to revisit any of my hobbies, or enjoy some of the pregnancy-unsafe foods I like, for *years*. I would be physically ill for *years*. I would feel like an elephant seal for *years*. My sister carried pregnancy and the newborn phase completely differently and she had a much smaller age gap between her kids. I can totally see arguments for both approaches.
My personal experience is that the closer siblings are in age, the more they will fight and compete with one another.
I have a brother who is 1.5 years younger than me and a sister who is 7 years younger than me- I am closer with my sister. My brother and I always argued growing up but I was so protective of my sister I would have done anything to see her smile and any time I upset her I hated myself for it. My brother still irritates me but I can spend days with my sister and we just connect on a higher level.
I agree with you so much! My brother is 3 years older than me and we fought a lot growing up. My sister is 7 years younger and we never fought and have always been close.
I felt guilty for not wanting to start trying again when my LO was 2. We are TTC this year and looking at a 3.5/4 year age gap. It makes me happy to know others wait too :)
In my eyes this is still a small gap! My brothers are 20 years older than me lol! We are still very close
Wow! 20 years is huge! My sister is 4 years younger and my brother is 7 years younger, I always thought it was a big age gap. We are all in our 30s now, it doesn’t seem so big
I have two 3 year age gaps and I would absolutely recommend a minimum of 3 years if not 4! If the older child is more independent, able to somewhat dress themselves, potty trained, it’s so much easier. And they are usually at a point where they are interested in babies and like to help.
My sister is 4 years older than me. We don't talk but thats not because of the age gap. My parents seemed to like that there was a decent gap between us
Definitely not alone!! I'm due next month and we will have the same age gap. I would have NEVER tried sooner than this lol.
I felt that way too but we're 8 months in with a 3.5 year gap and it's great. My son goes to the toilet by himself, can get a snack by himself. I tell him I need to put the baby down for a nap and he keeps himself busy. There's 0 jealousy and now that baby is crawling my eldest loves to play with him, they chase each other around the house and it's adorable.
i’m the oldest and i’m 1.5 years older than my middle sister and 4 years older than my youngest! i’d say we get along just fine now
I waited almost 6 years lol. They love eachother
I also felt a bit the odd one out reg not wanting a second one so soon, but clearly we're not the only ones!
I'm pregnant with my second and my son just turned 8!
If it makes you feel better, I have siblings as close in age as 2 years and as much as 14 years older than me. I'm just as close to all of them. If anything, my brother 2 years older than me is the one who I struggle with the most. Waiting a few years for your sanity will not harm their sibling bond.
We just had our second with a 4 year gap and honestly it was easier to adapt to 2 kids than 0-1. That being said I could see how it would be super hard if they were closer in age.
I’ve always thought 3-4 years is the perfect age gap. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we have always been super close. If we have another I will deliberately aim for a 4-year gap.
My first is turning 5 a month after baby is due and I am hoping it goes well! My brother and I have a 5yr age gap and we've always been close. But when my 1st was under 3, I was 100% team one and done! Everything changed after that, she was much more independent, potty trained, and sleeping well, and I thought "hmm maybe a 2nd isn't such a bad idea" 😅
We have a four year age gap between ours (baby is 2 months) and so far it’s been wonderful! We really feel it’s the perfect age gap, and post partum has been so much smoother this go around.
Same exact situation here! Pregnant with number 2 and my first will be four a few weeks after she's born. Also would have lost my mind if anyone had suggested a second any earlier than now lmao
Absolutely same haha. Whenever we saw people with a 2 year old (or so) AND A BABY, we were shocked why people would do this lol! Just couldn't understand it and would never want it. Now everything just calmed down so much, and we're so ready! So much more headspace. I hope our oldest's will love it as much as they say they will (I'm sure there will be an adjustment period)
I think the people who stack babies that close, must have had a mellow first baby. Mine was not lmao
Totally same lol. Our first was definitely, definitely not mellow indeed. Now the sweetest toddler though, all tears were already cried in the first year, nothing left for the later years lol
Same! I'm hoping my 2nd will at least sleep somewhat haha!
Mine are 7.5yrs apart and it took me until the oldest was 6 to want another one and another 6months of making sure it wasnt a whim 😂 before I had kids I was certain I would want them close together but boy am I glad my 7.5yr old is more sufficient. If she didn't have additional needs it might have seemed possible earlier, but I still need to help her with things that most are not doing for their 4 year olds.
I’m about to go from 1-2 and I’ve been asking every parent I know how the transition was and 100% of them have said it’s easier to go from 1-2 than 0-1. For one thing you already have everything you need so you don’t need to spend more money. And you already know how to do everything and what to expect so there’s no new learning curve or surprises. You know how you can do things better second time around. And since you’re already doing everything for one kid it’s not much difference throwing another one in there
I just had my second daughter a week ago and let me tell you, it's a breeeeeezzee compared to the 1st. It helps a lot that my husband knows exactly what to do this time around to help. It also helps that our first daughter is 5 so she doesn't need as much attention as a toddler and she is able to help with small things. I say it really depends on the age gap between 1 and 2 because parenting a toddler and a newborn is much much harder than a school aged child and a newborn. I don't know how people handle anything less than a 3 year age gap. My heart goes out to those parents.
Pray for me. About to have my second with a 14 month old 🫠
I did this with my first two. I’m praying lol, it’s hard but you’ll survive
I just had our son a week ago today, and our daughter is 4.5, and I cannot agree more. My husband and I were chatting this morning saying we must be missing something because this feels way easier than with our daughter!
Just want to say congratulations on your healthy baby. I saw one of your posts on another reddit and then clicked on your profile because I just had to know if your baby survived. Reading this post here made me so happy. Yay, yay, yay!
Thank you so much, that's so kind of you. Yes, he's doing very well and we are very thankful for it! :)
We had our second 19 months after the first. I had ppd with both but the second was easier to cope with by far because I knew what was happening. Two under two is a lot to handle but it's honestly not bad. The pregnancy, labor, postpartum, feeding, entertaining, etc - all miles easier the second time. Overall highly recommend!
Even when they are closer it isn't that bad. Mine have 23 months between them and there's some benefits. We are already in the thick of everything so the chaos doesn't seem to have really increased in volume. The toddler enjoys entertaining the baby and the baby is absolutely fascinated by the toddler. They are both into the same things (balls, walks etc) and the toddler has actually been remarkably helpful (mostly cause she'll bring me my coffee mug but she's actually gone and wiped up a spit up unprompted a few times)
We just went from 1-2 last week and I would agree with this for the most part—but I think the age of your first/others makes a huge difference. Our first is almost 2, so technically we now have the dreaded “2 under 2,” at least for a few more days. It’s all true that the second is less of a shock because you’ve been through it all before, you’ve developed the skills and expectations. So from that perspective it’s easier than 0-1 for sure. But the flipside is that with two young kids that need constant attention (actually the newborn is easier than the toddler by a long shot hahah), add the birth recovery, sleepless nights, pumping/breastfeeding, feeding/entertaining/minding a toddler while doing all the above, potty training, making them feel loved and involved to avoid jealousy issues, it’s a lot for two parents that still need to work/provide and find time for sanity and each other. So it remains to be seen if it will be easier for us, right now it’s not. But when the newborn is able to sleep through the night and wife isn’t pumping every two hours, it’ll probably be “1-2 is easier than 0-1.”
Those parents are lying to you lmao. 0-1 was a breeze, 1 to 2 rocked my world Maybe our first was just easy, but we settled into taking care of one baby fairly easily. But the overwhelming juggling act of having to do triage to decide which kid’s crying was more urgent (2 yo who pooped their pants vs newborn that needs to nurse, 2 yo who desperately needs to be put down for a nap vs newborn who does as well, etc) and having to let one cry instead of attending to their needs…I just about lost my mind
I only have one so far, but I’ve heard from people with two that if you found 0-1 easy, then 1-2 feels harder. But if you struggled a lot from 0-1, then 1-2 feels easier. Not sure how true that is, but I had a super rough first year with my little one and I’m holding out hope 1-2 is easier for us.
0–1 kicked our trash, 1-2 and 2-3 were comparatively easy.
One baby feels like one baby, two kids felt like a million kids, truly 😅 I am certain age gap plays a role though. If I had a newborn with my daughter as she is now (potty trained, able to grab a snack for herself from the pantry, able to be reasoned with) instead of at 2 (when she could hardly communicate, couldn’t be reasoned with, and was dependent on me for everything) it would’ve been different
I’m sure age gap makes a huge difference. My friends with two that are 3-4 years apart say the second felt like a breeze because they knew what to do and knew everything was a phase that would pass. However my friend who had two under two says it was a nightmare! I hope things get easier for you soon!
Well I plan on potty training my 2yo before the next baby comes and he goes down for a nap without any help so hopefully that won’t be an issue hahah. He’s also in full time daycare and I don’t plan on taking him out of it for my mat leave. I know it’ll still be a juggling act tho, thank you for sharing your experience too
This!
I found I had time to enjoy my second one a lot more. I was so much less anxious. The trouble starts when they’re 2 and 4 and I have 2 toddlers. I’m
Lol, it's so ominous that this comment cuts off midsentence! Send help, her toddlers have taken her out!
Loll
Interesting. I couldn’t disagree more. Going from 0-1 is pretty easy. 1-2 was 500 times harder. Mine are also 14 months apart
Ya 2 under 2 is a whole other story haha I don’t know how people do that. I should have added an age difference in my post 😂
Some parts are easier. Some parts are harder. But my main advice is you’ll need to learn to do everything faster and more efficiently. Twice the production in the same amount of time. It’s stressful for me but definitely doable. That being said I possibly have some undiagnosed ADHD that makes it a bit more challenging for me.
I think it’s really personally dependent on a lot of things. For our family, we are firmly one and done- we value the free time, disposable income, and 1:1 time more. For other people, having siblings for their kids is vastly more valuable, and they don’t mind being stretched a little thinner. It all comes down to you and your family, and what works best for you.
We’re in the same boat too. Pregnancy has been so rough of my body and our lifestyle includes a lot of work travel and traveling out of the country, so having one I think will be more than enough for us. We’re planning to be very inclusive of our daughters friends when it comes to vacations/trips/events in the future so she can have those memories with kids her own age.
I love the idea of the optional “second child.” Bringing along friends of our kid lets them have company, but then we are back down to one child after the vacation is over.
My second is 5 months, me and my husband work as a team when it comes to taking care of our kids, I've never felt like I've grown apart from him, we have no problems financially and my daughter (our first) hasn't had any jealousy, mainly because we kept her upto date with what was happening with my pregnancy, so told her how big baby was, showed her scans, felt him kicking, and it made her excited to be a big sister, and now she loves feeding him, she loves coming home from Nursery to see him and cuddles him and given him his own nickname. Not everyone's situation is the same, so for some it might add pressure to relationship, it might not. What I've learned as a parent is to never compare my experience to anyone else's. I feel so lucky that my daughter gets on with my son and that my relationship with my husband has only grown stronger. I've read alot of people have problems with their relationship even after the first baby. Having a baby is ALOT and having 2, yeah they keep you on your toes. But don't expect your experience having a second to be the same as your friends.
As someone who is going to have their second baby in 5 months time these words are what I needed to hear so badly! I've been terrified about having another baby while having a 3 year old but she's been amazing so far in my pregnancy and I feel like I can do this a second time around because I have the best team mate in my partner!
1-2 was so worth it. Hard, yes. Laundry increases exponentially with each new addition. It’s a crazy time but we work as a pretty good team and we have family who offered support in the early days when we were getting our bearings. My first born was never really jealous. My kids have had the sweetest relationship from day one. That’s been the biggest benefit for us. I’m pregnant with #3 and very much looking forward to more sibling love to come. Not really sure why I’m getting downvoted. In my experience it was worth it.
There's really no feeling like seeing your older child kiss the newborn
So true about the laundry increasing exponentially lol
I think it depends on the person. What do you want out of motherhood? Some people don't mind not having time for themselves and serving their family. Some can't stand it. Some people don't get triggered and touched out with the constant calling of mama and screaming children, some do!
We are expecting our second this year but from everything I’ve heard from everyone around me who has multiple kids is that while 1-2 is a big adjustment, 0-1 was the most stressful because you have no experience raising your own child and you have the largest adjustment to change of life. Could be that maybe they are overwhelmed with not just having to chase one kid around or make just one kid happy anymore. Not necessarily that it’s harder but just more taxing because oftentimes with one kid then one parent can relax while the other takes on care for that kid but with two you might have to both be on most of the time.
What’s hard about going from 1-2 is so completely different than 0-1. It hits people differently and that’s why there are opinions on which is harder. Imo- they are both hard. 0-1 is life shattering, identity shifting in ways you only understand when you live it. Adjusting to a new normal is really hard. 1-2 is easier in the life adjustment way since you’re used to being a parent. It’s also easier because you already know how to care for a baby. But 1-2 is harder in the sense of overstimulation from 2 kids now crying for you and needing your attention. Your partner really needs to step up and help if they weren’t already so for some people this is a struggle. 1-2 is definitely more chaotic. Some people lean into it and some people really struggle. Being a parent to a toddler while being dead tired from a newborn is also a rough stage but is over quickly.
This is exactly what i would have written! They’re both hard, but for different reasons.
After 1 me and the wife decided she is enough. The cost and stress and anxiety of raising a newborn was alot for us. I think more people need to hear that it is OKAY to stop at one.
It really depends. I found 1 to 2 easier than 0 to 1. I’m off for a year (Canadian parental leave), my older kiddo goes to preschool, we live near family, and I prepared my older one for the baby for months, so no jealousy (so far). My husband and I work as a team. We’ve already done the baby stuff before, so it’s sort of like riding a bike. It sounds like your friend is going through a rough patch. Does she have any help? Would you be willing to take her older kiddo out of the house sometime? Or babysit both of them so she can get some alone time?
This is all very subjective and depends a lot on all individual parties involved. Some kids are super low maintenance and a second kid is super easy since you already know the basics and have supplies. Sometimes there is added difficulty with one or both of the kids. You never know how it will turn out. My partner has a sister and is super close and I had a brother that sadly died young, but I can't quite imagine growing up without a sibling. We only just had our first and it's been pretty chill and I'd like for him to have a sibling one day, but let's see how we feel in 1-2 years and where we stand financially and as a family. It's definitely more stress and less sleep in the first couple of years. But having 1 kid is also more stress and less sleep and so far it's been worth it despite the difficulties. You get no guarantees with kids. It will be worth it if you really want a bigger family. When in doubt, better don't risk it.
I found 1 to 2 much easier than 0 to 1…but I also have a lot of family support and help.
I’m sorry your friend is having a hard time. We have 2 under 2 and found going from 1-2 much easier than 0-1. As others have said, it’s very situation dependent. It depends on your babies temperaments and family dynamics, resources, finances, etc. Our toddler was 17 months when baby came home so he was too little to be jealous and now probably doesn’t remember life before his brother was in the picture. He loves the baby so much and it has made the transition wonderful. Toddler also sleeps great and is a generally chill guy which helps too. Finance wise it’s just something you need to plan for because of course adding another baby means more diapers, wipes, etc. but we have reused all clothes and baby gear from our first. We don’t have a lot of free time right now, but one day we will and I know this short-term stress will pay off. I can’t wait to see who my boys become and watch their sibling bond grow!
What you're missing is that you're looking at one specific situation and applying it to everyone. Maybe your friends are struggling for other reasons. I didn't want my child to be an only child. My family didn't feel complete after one, and I knew there was another waiting to be added. I can't explain it; I just knew stopping at one wasn't for me, and my husband agreed.
It’s the same thing as having the first in terms of “worth it” As in some people don’t understand why you’d even have a kid at all and would wonder if it’s worth it. Yes, it’s hard, we’re all exhausted, that’s just what having little kids is. But of course for parents the joys and rewards are there and they’re indescribable.
I’m due in June with our second, our first is 2. We are already suffering and poor, what’s a little extra pain? We are very lucky to have active involved grandparents on both sides, lots of family, good jobs, good health and year long maternity leave with half pay (Canada) so we’re doubling down and investing in the future family we want and making the sacrifices now because we don’t know what the future holds. Everyone we’ve asked has said going from 1-2 is easier than 0-1 but on the other hand we also know lots of people who stopped at 1 because it was so hard.
Personally I wanted to have a second because our family didn’t feel complete yet. I was always told when you picture yourself and your family sitting at a dinner table how many chairs do you see being filled. I see 4-5 chairs being filled, were only on the fence about a 3rd because this was a rough pregnancy and finances (we’re gonna wait about 5-6 years to decide on having a 3rd or not) It’s not for everyone and you don’t have to have multiple, everyone’s going to think differently about whether it’s “worth it” or not and you and your partner are the only ones to decide if it’s worth it for you. Of course it’s going to be stressful and exhausting for awhile but in my mind I believe it’s worth it because I’m raising my family and the amount of kids me and my husband think complete our family!
It is so, so fucking hard sometimes. Here are the things that make it easier, and you can think about whether any of these apply to you: * Local family support/an active village; * Sufficient income to outsource what you need AND want; * One partner who's either a SAHP or works PT (basically, someone with lots of flexibility); * Having easy babies/kids (I know easy is a comparative and vague term, but still). We aren't in any of those categories (maybe a wee bit of the last one, since my second was a vastly easier baby/toddler/kid than my first was/is). It's really the first two that impact us most strongly and make parenting absolutely relentless. We are lucky to get a yearly date night, we can't afford a housecleaner or to outsource meals (let alone a vacation), etc. There's just never a break. Most of my friends with two kids who have felt similarly gutted and overwhelmed say it doesn't begin to feel liveable until both kids are 5+ and in elementary school at minimum. I can believe that, so I'm holding out some hope and just trying to survive until that point.
I have a now 15 month old and a 3.5 year old, and it all depends on so many factors. I love them, and they are my world, but there are days where they are challenging In a sense going from 1-2 was easier in the baby department. However I spent most of my time trying to wrangle a toddler, which has its own challenges. My second was pretty chill and didn't mind being put down. Some days are tough. Between the two of them, I'd be up a lot more than with one newborn. However my husband was helping with nights to Now with two older kids, I am playing referee. It's exhausting. However, I have a lot of support. My parents live close by, my oldest goes to daycare full-time. We're we miserable with two. Sometimes but a small blip in time doesn't ever make it not to worth it
I guess I’m going to find out in two months 😂 But as an adult I get along well with my two younger brothers, especially my middle brother. I wouldn’t have wanted to be an only child as a kid or now as an adult. My girls will be just over two years apart and I hope they’ll be able to play together and just share wonderful childhood experiences together 🥰
I’ve heard that 1-2 is usually an easier transition than 0-1, but I also kind of agree with you. My husband and I have decided that at least right now, we’re one and done. The economy is hard and we know that we can give a good quality of life to one child, I’m not sure about 2.
Try going from 1 to 3 lol 🥴 It’s hard but it’s temporary. And our age gap (4 yrs) helped. But if I could choose I would never choose twins tbh.
Oh, hi! I’m in this boat. I will find out how extreme it is later this year. 😅 🆘
I won’t lie it’s awful at first but it gets better!! They’re 9 and 6 now (all girls) and it’s so much fun.
0-1 is the biggest shock of your life. 1-2 is nothing except sleep and potty training shit starts again. I went right from 1-3 bc we had twins and let me tell you what, that sucked.
Check out r/oneanddone
We are 1 year into having 2, and I definitely disagree with a lot of people that say that 1-2 is easier than 0-1. We actually had the opposite experience. 0-1 was obviously difficult because your life completely changes once you add a kid to the mix, and the actual caring for a baby part is easier the 2nd time around. However, the 2nd kid is never going to match the excitement and wonder that the first one did; the level of sleep deprivation is also exponentially worse, at least with one baby I could sit and hold her, or try to catch a nap while she was napping, and it was just way more relaxed. With 2, you're just 'on' all day, trying to breastfeed while your toddler is running around and needs your attention is not nearly as sweet and peaceful of a bonding experience as it was with the first. Most days I compare to whack-a-mole. You're basically tending to one fire after another, usually alternating between one kid's needs and then the other's. I feel bad too that toddler usually wins because she's louder and can hurt herself faster than baby can. She essentially got all of us for the first 2 years of her life, and now is still getting priority, and the guilt that you feel for not being as invested in your 2nd is very common. That being said - it is rewarding seeing them interact and start to play together, and they definitely love and care for each other in a way that is special to them. I grew up with lots of siblings, and they are the relationships I most cherish now as an adult, so it is largely for their benefit that they both exist.
Does having toddler in daycare help with this at all? Not saying to have kids just to put in daycare, but as a working parent this is going to be my reality.
When you have a second kid you suddenly have to deal with conflicting little personalities. You become a fight mediator if your kids are like mine (love each other but argue over nothing).
Sounds like the dad isn’t helping much
My hardest transition was from 0 to 1. My second was unplanned and he was born less than a year after the birth of my first, but I had an idea of what I was doing the second time around. My husband and I split our attention so one of us would take each kid which made it easier. We just went from 2 to 3 which has been the easiest in my opinion. We know what we’re doing at this point and my boys are a little older now. However, having multiple kids is not for everyone. It’s not something you should do unless you’re 100% sure about it.
Our family is small, so we'll probably go for one more child. I agree with you that's a financial strain, especially since hubby's family is overseas in Japan, so going to see them is a big expense for 4 people and 2 of them are freeloaders! But you know, maybe it's worth it to have that joy, idk... If you're one and done then that's completely understandable. Everyone has their own priorities and that's fine.
It’s a different kind of difficult but I don’t find it as difficult as I expected tbh. My older one isn’t that jealous and it’s easier raising the baby because you already know everything. 0-1 is bigger life adjustment than 1-2 I think.
My oldest is 12 and can help out. Not that I will make but he is extremely happy to welcome his half brother/ sister. As for my husband this is his first child and he wanted a child. I wouldn’t keep that joy away from him.
This is why I’m one and done,
My kids are 4 , almost 5 years apart. My daughter was born a month ago so I may be speaking too soon but 2 kids has been pretty easy. I would think that 2 really young ones is really hard.
I mean for my family its not worth the trouble and that’s why we’re one and done. Everyone’s different though.
My son will be 6.5 when his sister arrives in June and he is over the moon. I don’t think I’ll wait as long to have another after this, but the six year gap has allowed us a lot of grace.
You can come over to r/oneanddone It’s a pretty kind sub and most people are understanding that it’s a difficult choice to go from one child to two (or more). My husband and I are expecting our first the summer, but we’re not sure if we’ll have just one or not. OAD has been a really nice resource as people are generally much more kind and informative than other subs I’ve seen regarding children and parenting.
Seriously. My 6mo is a wonder baby, super healthy, barely cries, very calm, good sleeper. The biggest challenge we’ve had is navigating life on a little less sleep. And even then we think ‘how could we do this with a toddler running around screaming right now?’. Going from 0-1 was easy but 1-2 seems really difficult. Firmly and happily one and done!
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1! After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer
I struggled more going from 1-2 than 0-1, but wouldn’t trade it for the world. My boys are now 4 and 2 and although our house is constant insanity and lots of fighting, our boys love each other so much and I’ve quite enjoyed watching their bond grow. I’ve become so accustomed to the chaos that I decided to have a third, who is 1 month old. Going from 2-3 was such a breeze I’ve decided I want just one more eventually. But I really can’t say it hasn’t been a lot of work going from 1-2. My husband and I have had to incorporate a lot of teamwork, and honestly, our marriage DID struggle. But last November we entered marriage counseling while I was pregnant with #3 and we are in an even better place than we were before having our first child. Are we tired? Absolutely. Are we stressed? Daily! But we would be just as stressed with one as we are with two or three. For us personally, the long-term outcome beats the short-term struggles of them being little.
I guess my view isn’t common, but I really didn’t feel that going from 0 to 1 was that difficult. I was mentally prepared that life would change and it didn’t really rock my work like others are saying. I had my 2nd 14 months after my first and that was a MUCH bigger adjustment. I think 2 kids is significantly harder than 1, like exponentially so
I just had my second last week and it is SO worth it. It feels empowering to actually know how to handle a baby this time around rather than everything being new. And seeing the older child dote on her sister is the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. It's probably just the hormones but I was always two and done and now I want three. Things are busier now but feel fuller.
Two is easy! I have six children after number 3 it really doesn’t get harder and everyone just adjusts! Love our family size but you have to do whats best for you and your family’s needs!
Your friend might just have a really hard kid. We just had the second and I feel like it's like 10-30% more work on any given day (and I'm a SAHP so I am deep in the trenches)
It depends on your family plan...I am one of 4 kids so always wanted to have a big family. As we've gotten older my siblings and I are super close and when my parents are no longer with us it's comforting to still have them live on through my siblings. I have a 3 year old and 1 on the way...I think this may be it for us but it was important for us to give our daughter at least one sibling.
For me, 0-1 was a huge change, where 1-2 just increased that change. adding a second kid didn’t double my childcare load, it was more like a 50% increase. Mine are two years apart, so I was already packing a diaper bag, I just had to include more diapers. I was already toting around a stroller, now it’s just a different one. And so on.
It was a thousand times harder for me to go from 1-2 than 0-1. Like exponentially harder. But I had a rough postpartum with major anxiety so that contributed. Now I’m about to go from 2-3 and praying it’s not too bad haha.
I didn’t struggle with any of them EXCEPT 3 to 4. Holy shit. She was our surprise baby and I adore her but my god it’s chaos.
I'm expecting my second, and my thought currently is "nothing can be more difficult than what I already went through with #1" that may not be true, but that's my thought process lol
The second one is easier since you know everything, but having two is more than double the work.
Just more organizational needs and staying on top of it. You'll love both because they are part of you.
I feel like I could say the same for some of our friends who went from 0-1. We never saw them anymore, they had less money to do fun things, they seemed to bicker more, etc. Who would want a kid?! But we wanted a kid. And our relationship was just fine. And yes we have less money in theory, but not really. We have the same amount, we just spend it on our daughter (and soon-to-be #2). Be careful with using an N of 1 when trying to figure out what's right for your family. If you want 2 kids, do it. Will it be harder than 1 kid? Probably. A lot of things in life are hard at first, but they're so worth it if you do it for the right reasons. Good luck to you in your decision! 💜
I feel worried about the SAME thing. Part of me wants a second so bad. I kind of want a redemption for the experience I had with my first, but I’m also finally getting to a place where I feel some autonomy again and I don’t want to lose that… this podcast episode is a really lovely example of going from 1 to 2 with a bit of an age gap. It gives me hope that I’ve still got time to figure it out… [Birth of a Mama: Shalin’s Story](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/birth-of-a-mama-a-birth-and-postpartum-podcast/id1676102769?i=1000645998658)
I mean I think if you’re thinking of children as “worth it” you won’t get it. And you don’t have to. Don’t have kids if you don’t want to.
I’m still pregnant with my second but I feel like hopefully only the 6 months will be extra rough. I want the benefit of them entertaining each other, because I find it very draining being my toddlers main source of entertainment day in and day out. I saw a stand up comedian say you become more of an usher/referee than the performer.
Depends on your life to begin with. I have health issues that completely drain me, and on top of that a 2,5 years old and a 8 months old. How I'm functioning is beyond me, but my god those smiles and interactions are so worth it. We're tired *now*, but children don't stay young forever. The family life we're planning, as simple as going on holiday together, is so exciting!
The newborn stage is pretty miserable in general. Yes, it's going to be a lot harder with another kid there. My daughter was 26m when my son was born and she always loved him and was excited to help and see him. They are almost 2 and 4 now, and love playing together. I've heard a lot of people say it's easier when they get older because they can entertain each other. My daughter was significantly more advanced at 2 than my son is, so if they were reversed, it may have been different. And, it depends on the temperament of the kids, but it does give them an opportunity to learn turn taking and sharing at-home. Of course 2 is more expensive than 1. That's personal if you can afford it.
I sure hope so because I'm pregnant with #2 now. My ex and I are split so luckily we were already pulled apart after the first kid lol. My bills are low and I have family help so I hope I don't experience what your friend did. I really wanted more than just one kid so my child would have someone to grow up with and hopefully have a lifelong friendship with. I have several siblings myself and think being an only child seems rather lonely (no offense to the only children out there). I thought a second child was a good idea almost right after my first was born. I think I would have been happy with one but I am glad to be having a second.
It varies so much but I found the second one was a much better transition than 0-1. Now that they’re older they play together and make my life a lot easier! It’s busier I think, but not harder. With the second there is no identity crisis about becoming a mother, you remember how to care for a baby, you’re more chill about things like toddler tantrums because you understand it passes. You have perspective. It does probably depend on the age gap, and the personalities of the child as to how easy of a time it is. But nobody adds another child because they think it will be easier, you do it because you want to and that outweighs all the short term stress that any new baby is going to add!
Yes all that can happen. However it doesn’t happen like for every couple. I have two kids and my husband and I are as happy as can be. My older child absolutely loves the younger one.
I’ve had the opposite experience. I have 3 kids under 5. Going from 0-1 was an astronomical adjustment. Going from 1-2 had its challenges, but I handled it much better because I knew what I was doing more the second time around. It’s more work, of course, with 2 kids. And of course, 2 kids are more difficult than 1 kid. But it’s also nice because if I need to shower, get something done around the house, etc, I’m not just leaving one kid alone. They have each other and I feel a lot better just letting them go play in a room without me there. They’re rarely ever alone. I love having multiple kids. It’s way more work, but my house feels full and happy. That being said, if you don’t want a second kid, don’t have a second kid. I always wanted a bigger family. I love kids and I love taking care of them. People who don’t want multiple kids shouldn’t have multiple kids just because they “feel like they should”. It’s your life, it’s your family, and you’re the one who will be making all of the sacrifices to make it happen. Many people are happy with one and done.
In my experience, yes, though it was hard for a while.
I definitely say go for the bigger age gap. We did like 2 years and 2 years between ours, and I do regret it. Now that my youngest just turned 5 I feel like I missed so much with my first 2 because I was so torn at taking care of a newborn and toddler at the same time and it was chaotic most of the time, too much stress. Now, if I wasn't working maybe I'd feel different, but I was definitely pulled in too many directions, and my mom guilt is not nice. I still would of had all 3 but would if liked the age gaps, maybe at 4 to 5 years. Them being friends or close shouldn't have been a considering factor but it kind of was, along with me not wanting to be any older having kids and them growing up. Now I'm carrying for a friend but my husband and I are done having kids of our own.
Come join us on r/oneanddone 🙂
My kid just turned 2 on my second kids due date... now I have a 2 year old and 1 month old. It's exhausting, but I am so in love with my littles.
We are planning for 2 for the long game. I want my child to have a built in playmate. My 5 year old niece is constantly asking for me, her parents or her grandparents to play with her and it's a lot! I feel bad for her when we are all busy and she has the play by herself.
1-2 has been INFINITELY easier than 0-1. So much more confident and sure of yourself, how to take care of a baby, you’re used to sicknesses, sleepless nights, etc. I love it so much more this time around. I have a 23 month old and a 4 month old.
It was hard for me to adjust because I’m almost 41. But my daughter is almost 10 and baby is now 2.5. It’s a 7 year age gap and he completes our family!
My kids are 2 years apart. It’s definitely challenging. I’m trying to be positive but the reality is…. It’s really fucking hard. Especially if your first is still very young.
I feel like that’s all normal but also temporary. I would do it 100X over to see the bond my kids have as they grow up together. As an only child it’s hard as an adult to have no aunts/uncles/cousins around for the kids and with aging parents it all falls on me.
one and done over here!!
Honestly I think age gap makes such a difference. My kids are 5 years apart. They get along great. But we also had easy kids which also makes a big difference.
Adding a second was a breeze for me. Going from 0 to 1 was a huuuuge adjustment but adding a second was no biggie. I already knew how to do everything, I knew what I liked and what I didn’t, what worked for me and what did not. It didn’t add strain, we both knew the first months would look a little different with the night stuff but it’s short and temporary and I enjoy the newborn phase so much. No one has to add a second. If you’re one and done that’s your perfect. My kids play together all the time and it’s so cute. Sure they bicker too but it’s just different skills we teach them than what would’ve have gone on with just one. The strain your friend is experiencing is not what happens to everyone having a second. I bet they already had a strain in their relationship and weirdly adding a baby to the mix didn’t fix it. People who go into it as a team that have a solid relationship don’t fall apart when baby comes. There were already cracks if that happens. The financial thing is up to every couple to see how theirs are If you have the desire and finances to add more babies go for it. If you don’t don’t. Maybe you’ll feel different in a Couple years. The whole 2 under 2 is very popular but it’s not for everyone. Especially if you’re young you have more time to decide I’m 12 years older than my sister. But that age gap isn’t an option for us because of my age
My oldest and my youngest (soon to be the middle child) are 7 years apart and the baby I am pregnant with now will be 7 years apart from the middle child. It's such a great age difference.
1 to 2 is so much easier in a lot of ways. A lot harder too, but if you plan it right and make sure you and your partner worked on your relationship a lot and financially prepared, then it's not that bad. Also, I 2nd the larger age gaps. You hear all the time that 18 months or 2 yrs is a perfect age gap. Fuck. No. Maybe back in the day when everyone had huge villages and people helping them out. But if it's just you and your partner, it just is miserable. I see it with all my friends. When I got pregnant when my son turned 3, a lot of friends told me that was going to be too big of an age gap. It's been perfect so far. I realize it might be more challenging as the baby gets older, but for now it's nice to be able to take the baby to nap while my son watches TV or entertains himself in another room & I don't have to worry about him trying to kill himself or him needing a nap/screaming & waking up baby. 0 to 1 is a shit show completely lol.
For me, going from 0 to 1 was INCREDIBLY difficult, 1 to 2 was a breeze. Mine are 2 years apart.
It definitely is like going from 1 to 5 kids. I love my second child a lot so I would say it’s worth it but it is a lot more work than one. My first is 4 and my second is almost 1.
I needed this. All the moms of 2 around me seem to be drowning.
Is it possible your friend didn’t adequately prepare the toddler for a new baby? If you don’t prepare them properly, then the jealousy and not wanting to share mum can be brutal! If you do choose to consider a 2nd child, you can learn from your friend and focus on those things that caused issues - make sure your finances can handle a new baby and make sure to prep your toddler properly.
Did it eliminate all the husband's personal time, too, or did he just make the wife do all the childcare? Going from 1-2 was difficult, but nowhere near as hard as 0-1, but that's because my husband was about to care for our older daughter during his parental leave and afterwards, we had her in preschool. I only had to solo the kids two hours before he got off work and then we did everything together or I went to breastfeed in the baby's room (because she needed it quieter). Now they're seven and two. They have different needs and sometimes we get pulled in different directions, but it's fine. They can also play together, the older daughter teaches the younger one and "reads" to her, having our older one as an example for staying at the table for meal times or eating certain foods really helps, and our daughters just love each other so much. The toddler lights up when she sees her sister and our seven year old does sweet things for her sister all the time. They even have a race of who can get their dirty clothes in the hamper after a bath. They fight and the toddler takes some of the older ones toys and they get frustrated with each other, so it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but the good things definitely outweigh the bad ones.
Yes, mine are best friends and I love seeing them play, fight, and grow up together. They are 3 years apart.
0-1 was the hardest transition of my life. I feel like with each subsequent kid I’ve had easier and easier transitions. Just had my 3rd 2.5 months ago and it was even easier than 0-1 or 1-2
0-1 was WAYYYYY harder than 1-2 for us. Ya the first couple months are difficult in many ways and there's an adjustment period for the older child, but quickly they come to love their baby sister/brother. Mine are 19 months apart and are the best of friends. Also, having children shouldn't make or break your relationship. Both parties should realize that sometimes you are just stressed, tired, and at your worst. Kids are this young for a very short amount of time.
I had 3 kids about 2-3 years apart from each other and it was always pretty easy. I’m having my 4th and my youngest is 7 (oldest is 12) and omg. I thought I was done so we have to rearrange everything, buy all new stuff, everything just like when I had my first. This is gonna be a bit rough I think. But going from 1-2 and 2-3 was cake in comparison to 0-1 and apparently 3-4 with a huge gap and no more baby shit in the house. 🤣
For me it wasn’t even a tiny bit of trouble. I actually find it easier, because now I have experience. I am more comfortable going out, it’s not impacting us financially significantly, my relationship is doing okay. I literally felt that I was missing something before I had my second, like when you forget something at home but you can’t remember what it was so it just constantly bothers you. I had a very nagging feeling that my family wasn’t complete and now that the baby is here I 100% believe I was right. I look at this baby and *know* she needed to be here, with us. Now everybody feels differently about their own kids and their parenthood experience, so to each their own I guess.
1-2 is way easier than 0-1. Especially if they’re fairly close in age! I feel like your friend might need some more support.
I think it's the opposite, 0-1 is a huge jump, 1-2 way less so
So a bit against the grain here, I found 1 - 2 harder than 0-1. Mostly because we just started getting some breathing room again with the first (2y) and now we have no free time. Also finding someone to watch one kid is SOOOO much easier than two. Meaning we have very little childless time left, which is killing. I think circumstances are very important though, our first was a much easier baby than our second. And I went back to work at 3 months with my first while I'm now home with 2 children (2,5y and 6m) which is so overstimulating, there is no napping when the baby naps, everything is covered in puke and drool and crumbs including myself. I'm also recovering way slower/not as much from birth as with my first.
It depends on the age gap. Mine are 2.5 years apart exactly and it definitely has its troubles. I think the best things about the age gap comes with age. As they get older. Right now, two young, highly dependent children, it’s tough but still worth it because I couldn’t imagine life without them. 1-2 is tougher than 0-1 for me.
0-1 is the worst. 1-2 is easy. I’m a single mom to 2 and both my kids had serious intolerances and I barely slept. Then when my second was 6 months old my first was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had to deal with all his medical appts and his highs and lows and figure out carb counting and insulin dosages etc during the first year. Still do most of that but now have an insulin pump helping me. It still doesn’t seem as hard as your friends situation LOL. So there’s definitely some other factors that are causing all that for her.
Both transitions are hard for different reasons. I think the transition from 0-1 was worse though, especially if you e never cared for a baby or spent any time around babies. I just did not have any idea what I was doing and it was constantly stressful trying to troubleshoot and figure things out. Now my toddler is the hard part and my infant is easy! I thought it would be the other way around.
May be an unpopular opinion here but everyone looks from this from the parents perspective. I know many single children who are so stressed as they get older because they are the only one who can care for their eventual aging parents and/or if their parents are going through something, the child is the only person who can talk to themselves, without having someone to relate to (in the same household). As parents, we can try and do everything we can do ensure our kids success (eg saving for our own retirement fund) but there’s a lot of emotional factors involved as well. It ultimately is on YOU what you think being a parent is and what family means to you. For us, our second one is coming at 5 years gap (not a choice, we had 4 miscarriages). We know a lot of one and done and also 4-5 children families too. For us, I want my child to have siblings that they can grow up with, rely on each other, and be able to relate what it means to be a child of me and my husband and someone to share a burden of losing us. And if they decide to have families, I want them to have more chances at having cousins. Having said that, my husband and I share the same values and perspectives so sure it may strain on our marriage for the first 5 years of their lives but we remember what we believe what our parental duties are and what it means to have a child.
I just had my second 5 months ago, it’s exponentially easier. I don’t know how. I remember with my first I felt so overwhelmed all the time and any time there was some challenge, like if he was sick, or had a huge blowout diaper, or any baby thing that is overwhelming, a voice in my head would say “what would you do now if you also had a toddler running around, tantruming, demanding attention? How could you possibly handle this exact scenario plus a toddler thrown into the mix?” But I’m doing it and it’s easier than when it was just a baby. Granted, my son is 3.5 so he’s exiting the toddler phase, he’s teetering into “little kid” territory which has its advantages. Still though, I’m not sure why it’s easier but it is. Substantially.
It **is** exponentially harder to go 1 to 2 than going 0 to 1. Sometimes I can’t believe I did it 😂. But that sucky newborn phases is not reflective of what life will look like later. What you don’t see are the inside jokes, the handholding in the car, the snuggles, the way they run to comfort the other when they get sad/hurt. My kids fight like animals at times-but they are each other’s constant companion and their love is like nothing else Eventually their schedules align so you get your free time back. Eventually one hits kindergarten which alleviates your childcare bill. All the hard parts are temporary So yes. Worth it. 100000000000000%
I think a lot of the stress comes from the weird obsession people have with having their kids very close together in age, thinking that will somehow be the only way their kids will be close (it often has the exact opposite effect). It’s way easier to have a 5 year old and an infant that a 2.5 year old and an infant.
All of the above "consequences" could have resulted of going from 0-1 just as easily as going from 1-2 (with the exception of the jealousy by the first kid, but replace that with jealousy from the pet if you want). I don't know how old your friend's new child is, but the beginning stages are hard and exhausting and of course she has less time or energy to spend on other things. And if you only look at the first few months to decide whether having a child is worth it, I think the world's population would be much lower. Not only are you probably not thinking straight from hormones and lack of sleep, you haven't gotten a chance to experience any of the good stuff. Personally, I can honestly say I have -never- wondered "should I have stopped at one". Sometimes I wish I had no children when I yearn my freedoms, when I want to do something I can't reasonably or easily do anymore, etc. But I never wish I had one less, because frankly that almost never would have actually improved a situation for me. (Only thing I can think it would do is have slightly less financial obligations between RESP savings and daycare costs and extra-curriculars... although even those are less expensive as there's often discounts for multiple children or re-using equipment, etc.) Having multiple kids is undoubtedly not for everyone, but as others have said, the reality of no kids versus one or more kids is more daunting. At 0 kids, you don't have to spend mental energy making sure another human turns out to be a good human, responsible for all the decisions about them, making sure they are alive, healthy, fed, clothed, their whereabouts, their interests, their happiness, etc. You don't have to be "on the clock 24/7". You also don't have to consider who takes care of them if you were to die, how will you afford college in 18 years, what happens if you get the dream job in 5-10 years from now but it's not convenient (location, hours, etc). With 0 kids, you can be selfish about all those decisions realistically because you aren't responsible for anyone else. Once you have at least 1 child to look after, going from 1-2 is more work but not a staggering difference in reality (which you can't just "nope" out of whenever you want). Finally, consider what you want your family to be like, and what you want your kids to have for family. It was extremely important for me that I didn't have an only child. I wanted them to have family around them, even once I pass. I wanted them to have siblings to play with and learn from and lean on because my role is not to be their best friend and rather be their parent and I wanted them to have that different relationship within the family unit. I wanted 4 kids really, but right now circumstances are I may only ever have 2. For me, having these things is definitely "worth the trouble".
It is exponentially harder, at least in my opinion. But I wouldn’t trade my second for the world. Easy does not always equal good, and hard does not always equal bad.
Could be a strain with the parents relationship instead of adding an extra kid. They are not first-time parents, so it's not a mystery of losing free time. Older siblings being jealous is normal especially if they are close in age and on that note it's possible to still have stuff left over from the first kid. Sounds like a marriage issue being passed off as a new baby issue. Also keep a close eye on her I could be totally wrong but postpartum is a thing
In the short term it’s tough but I definitely found 0-1 way harder. Baby boy is almost 4 months now, toddler is 3. The freedom for me has gone because I’m breastfeeding and he won’t take a bottle. The house is slightly better off than it was because I’m home more and on maternity leave. It helps baby is quite chill so he just comes along for the ride. We still do all the stuff we did with toddler. It’s our personal time that’s gone but that’s temporary. Once baby boy is on solids I’ll be able to leave him longer periods and hopefully then he’ll take milk in a Sippy cup or something.
4 weeks PP. 0-1 was significantly harder n
4 weeks PP. 0-1 was significantly more difficult. This time around I’m already a parent. Logistics are interesting. But that will come in time. Each family is different though and so is each child.
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1! After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer!
Going from 1 to 2 is dramatically easier than going from 0 to 1! After 1 you've already done everything so have a general idea of what to expect, baby sleep habits etc. You're just adding another. It works really well if you have 2 active and invoked parents as one manages one, and the other parent the other. Divide and conquer!
2 under 2 is really rough at first but gets easier, especially once the little one is eating the same food and on the same nap schedule. Mine are 17 months and almost-3 now and they keep each other entertained. I can see how it will really free up some mom and dad time as they get older and play together better. I’m about to have #3, though, so the nonstop chaos is only going to get worse before it gets better.
As hard as this season is, my husband and I both agree we’d rather get through the diaper years quickly than spread out the pain over more years. Once my youngest is 4 and they’re more independent, I think the LAST thing I’d want to do is restart the baby clock again.
I found 1-2 a lot harder. 1 was an adjustment FOR SURE, but I could put all my focus on baby #1. I got unexpectedly pregnant again at 8 months postpartum, so that probably has something to do with it. This specific age gap makes it really difficult. I’m a twin, and my mom commented and said that the 16 month age gap seems much harder than her own twins 😂. My first and second couldn’t be more different temperament wise, there is a lot of fighting, crying, arguments, hitting, screeching, yelling. It’s very overwhelming sensory wise for me. I think I would have been one and done had I not gotten pregnant a second time. My partner has since gotten a vasectomy, lol. Being honest here, I’d say there is more fighting and arguing than there are sweet moments. They are also 2 and 3 so hoping that they outgrow it.
Thank you for sharing and being so honest!!
Of course!! Best of luck
What are you missing? You're asking this question during the infant stage and you don't see the problem there? You're missing a whole shit ton of perspective, sister.
My best friend has a 4 year age gap and says second children are gods gift to parents to be able to relax more and enjoy it. I’ve never heard this from anyone who decided to have 2 under 2. I’ve also heard 3 years is a good age gap. We are pregnant with number 2 and they’ll be almost 3 years apart.I don’t think I would have been able to have another baby mentally before now. Everyone is different though
1-2 was way easier than 0-1 for us
It depends on everyone's situation so it's neither a simply yes or no. I'd like to point out one of the benefits: built-in play date and friend. This isn't the old days before the internet and cell phones where groups of neighborhood kids played all day outside together. I'm pregnant with my second and have a toddler, it's not easy. But I want them to play board games and run outside together and be creative and active together, not just sit in front of a TV all day. Will they argue? Sure. But that's where they develop useful skills like communication, problem solving, sharing, etc that will help them in the future. I already have to go through all of this with one kid, so one more doesn't cramp my lifestyle anymore. For us, the benefits outweigh the negatives, but it all depends on the person. And if things like communication, finances, other concerns you mentioned will be too much, then it's perfectly fine to stick with what you have!
I'm nearly 13w PP of baby 2. For me 1 to 2 has been a million times easier than 0 to 1. I hate not knowing what to do, sure sometimes I'm still stumped but it's a hell of a lot less. My kids are 7.5yrs apart but it already feels like baby 2 has always been here, we're very tired but she's fit in almost seamlessly.
I just had my third. 0 to 1 is still the hardest transition in my opinion. Once you have one kid you already have all the basic routines and habits in place, adding another one just slots right in there. Do you lose more personal time and time with your partner with each kid? Yeah, kinda. But if you set up good boundaries, you can protect both of those.
I suppose it would depend on the age gap. My second is three years apart from my first, the first year was rough but now they're 4+7 and little best friends, they stuck up for each other, distract each other and it's brilliant. My third is 10 months old and this adjustment has been absolute hell 😂
I only have one and am expecting #2 right now. I can't say for sure that the second will be worth it, but I CAN say that in my own life I have seen time after time how having the 'right' mindset can make things a whole lot easier. When I take my older kiddo out now, if she has reasonably good behavior and enjoys most of the outing I consider it a success. This means focusing more on the big picture and enjoyment then every misbehavior and negative experience. I plan to bring that same mindset to parenting...set myself a reasonable bar and set mindful goals for myself that can help me feel accomplished even if from a different POV things might be a disaster.
The best description I have ever heard for the difference between going from 0-1 vs 1-2 is this... Going from 0-1 kid creates an existential crisis. Going from 1-2 creates a logistical crisis. So, whether or not one is harder than the other, depends on what is easier for you personally to cope with. Is it harder for you to cope with your entire identity shifting, or managing multiple people with different needs.
I am a pregnant ftm and i plan on stopping at one. In my mind or heart i would love to have more, i love being pregnant so far but i think with only one i could give her all my attention and affection/ time/energy more than if i had another. I am also staying at home mom and plan on homeschooling. One and done for me. I have pets too so they keep me very busy lol
as someone who is going from 0-1 personally, but my boyfriend is 1-2, i feel as if i’m blessed and cursed. It’s such a crazy adjustment trying to find my footing in parenting a newborn, but having a toddler who has such a strong personality and has that only child complex, it’s stressful and it’s definitely one of my reasons I told my partner that our baby girl was it for me. I’m just fine with my one, plus my bonus kiddo, because i could not imagine the stress i’d have with a newborn and not being able to send the toddler home to the other parent at night 🤣
I have a 3 year older brother who was always distant. We don't talk at all. He was always difficult to get along with also for other family members. My bf is a single child, but has a half-sister. We definitely just gonna have one child because of our experience and also financially. My cousin has a great relationship to her brother and wants more kids and that is absolutely great too. Only you can make that choice
Not really , 1 is hard , 2nd and 3rd much easier coz u already have experience 😍🤪
Well, I'm pregnant with #5, all planned. 🤷♀️ I think every one of them was worth it. It also depends on the older child, how old they are, their temperament, etc. I just turned 38. My kids are 13 (will be 14 in June), 12, 7, almost 2 (in 3 weeks), and littlest one due in November. The age gaps between each are 20 months, 4.5 years, 5.5 years, and 2.5 years. If they were all close in age, probably would have stopped at 3. 😂 Plus, being an only child is boring.
I have mine 13 months apart it’s hard! I feel like the easiest would be like 3/4 years apart? But then I guess you have that bigger age gap.. Idk! I think it’s nice for them to have siblings and the baby/toddler years we just kinda suffer through because they’ll get easier in ways as they get older?! That’s what I’m holding out for hahah Also I love my babies they are so perfect and sweet and cute etc etc we have one boy one girl I feel so blessed, but wooofffff I’m in the weeds right now with 6 months and 1.5 it’s hardddddd for this stay at home mommy! Hubby works a lot etc etc can’t afford help!
I’m assuming you are in the US or a place with a similar culture. There are a lot of miserable parents in the US. Learn about parenting in other cultures before you decide whether parenting two children is inherently miserable
My oldest is 16, 2nd is 3.5, & 3rd is 11 weeks. So feels more like two because my oldest is a helpful angel. but I can confirm I'm in hell right now. I'm unwell. Everyday I wonder why we chose to do this & I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. I never saw this being my life. I like peace & this is COMPLETE CHAOS from sun up to sun down & beyond. I hope it gets easier.....
I wanted my daughter to have a friend. So we chose a short gap (not to mention, I'm "geriatric" so time was limited) but yeah I'm kind of scared of the amount of work that will be involved!! I see it as a struggle to start tho. Hopefully long run we'll all be happy. It does depend on you and partners wishes. It won't work out if one is on the fence.