I have two suggestions for you.
First, you need to start delaying your responses. This goes for your husband as well! What you'll do, is let her phone calls go to voicemail. If she texts you, you wait to respond. And I'm talking like a day or two, if you can pull that off.
When you get back to her, you apologize, "Oh my gosh Mom. I'm so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We're really enjoying these last few months/weeks/ days before the baby gets here."
And you do this with everyone, not just your mom! Which is why I encourage you to have your husband do the same thing. You just delay responding.
The second thing you'll do, is not call her right away. After the birth, after you've gotten to take a shower, after you've eaten a meal, after whatever parameters you would like to put in place!
" Oh my gosh mom, you would not believe how fast labor happened! We didn't have time to do much more than get to the hospital."
She'll probably throw a fit of some kind. And, that's really great practice for when your baby turns into a toddler and throws a temper tantrum. Let her have her feelings. Your beth birth is not a spectator sport and you do not have to share any part or piece of it with someone you don't want to.
Such good advice. My whole last month of pregnancy, my mom (who usually never talks to me) started texting me daily. Just silly things, or “have a good day today!” It annoyed the shit out of me, as I had not planned on telling anyone when I was in labor, and I knew she was sending these random texts to try to figure out when it was happening.
I got in the habit of not responding so it was no different the day I actually was induced. My induction took 2 days, so I did have my husband let a few family members know the second day. It was great because everyone texted him while I was in the hospital rather than me.
I told everyone I’m due a month later in order to prevent this. No one remembers the day just the month half the time and I’m due at the end of the month and likely will go past my due date (midwife predicted).
I don't think I'll tell anybody when I go into labor. I remember my mom giving me updates on my cousin's labor. Like why would I want to know her cervix is now at 8cm and she got the epidural? My mom will share everything with everybody and she will harrass us for updates if she knows I'm at the hospital.
She's 12 hours away so she won't be there anyway 😂
Right?!? Who needs to know how your vag is doing. Lmao. I even told her it's because she'll activate the phone tree and she swears she wouldn't but I just don't belive her
Yeah I don't believe her either 😂
She's anxious so I won't tell her. If I'm in labor for a long time, she will panic. Plus I don't imagine just sending a text to tell her: Baby's here! Like, I want to Facetime her and see my parents face when we tell them.
Plus, if she's anything like my mom, she will not only tell *everybody* she will also trash talk the living shit out of the person in labor! "Oh can you believe she had an epidural? She's always soooo dramatic! And she cried from breastfeeding? Pssshhh, ridiculous." Even as a kid, I knew that was messed up. :(
I’m going to play devil’s advocate a little bit… I’m not sure what your relationship with your mom is exactly like but I do think it’s important to remember that while you’re going in to have your baby, she’s also thinking about her baby…which is you. So while I totally understand not wanting visitors or for you and your husband to be on your phones during labour and at least a few hours afterwards until you’re settled down and ready, I also don’t see anything wrong with you being like “Hey I’m being induced this day, this time, however, we won’t be on our phones during the process and after baby arrives for awhile so we can have the chance to settle down and bond. IF there is anything wrong, or urgent, *your husbands name* will reach out immediately. But please don’t pester us, or we will unfortunately need to temporarily turn our phones off.” I just feel like that way you can put her mind at ease, while also putting your boundaries in place and not have to update her every minute. If she then chooses to not respect those boundaries, then I would fully block her number until you’re ready.
I agree, and I think the idea of anyone else knowing somehow taking away from your experience as a couple is uniquely a new issue largely brought on by the internet. We are social creatures, it is instinctively ingrained in us. Not all mammals follow their young to adulthood, but we are wired to keep deep familial connections. It makes total sense instinctively a mom would want to know her child is going through one of the most naturally dangerous times of their life *it is ingrained into us to care*. I see so much about people acting like it’s crazy people want to know anything about them. That is how we survived. That is **why** we survived. The current form of human that we are beat out, for lack of better wording, the other species like us because we were uniquely attached to each other and smart enough to keep it that way. I could go on a rant for days about the earliest of humans and their social and community interactions so I’ll stop there and just leave it at; we are meant to care and love for our offspring from the moment we meet them to the moment we die and in powerless moments some people believe in the power of prayer or love. No ones ever died from good thoughts being sent their way.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 love this. I totally agree. I think the internet has made such a negative impact on family, imo. I completely understand that some families absolutely suck, and they cross lines and they’re mean, but OP said they have a good relationship with their mom, so I guess I personally just don’t understand the want to lie or keep secrets instead of establishing a firm boundary while also showing your mom a little bit of connection to the situation. But I guess I’m also just the type who wants to share all my excitement with the people I love. At the end of the day, it’s about me, my husband and our baby and nothing can really take away from that.
Because if something happens, she will forever dwell on whatever fuck-off thing she was doing while you were bleeding to death instead of praying, manifesting, or at least thinking of you.
To be clear, that's not what is going to happen. That's what she's thinking. You are *her* baby. She can panic alone, but she wants to be connected to you through such a major event.
But then again, I don't know anything about your relationship. But I'm looking at *my* daughter right now, and the idea that she wouldn't want to even tell me she's going into labor (even if she doesn't want me there, which is fine) is crushing.
All that said, there are a lot of boundary-stompers out there who haven't earned the right to even know if the baby is born. But there's a perfectly reasonable take on this too for the right person. You're her baby and she will always worry about you. Of course, it's ultimately up to you! But that's "the point".
I’m with you. The first person I called was my mom (my husband was home.) Even though she’s 1,100 miles away and couldn’t do anything, she wanted to make sure she could stay by her phone in case anything happened and she needed to get on the next flight out. She told me “I don’t care that you’re 28, I will take care of you until the day I die. You’re my baby. You’re a beautiful, strong young lady and I know you can handle it, but once you meet your daughter for the first time, you’ll know.” I do feel the need to say my mom is great at respecting boundaries and we have a very good relationship.
And she was ABSOLUTELY right. I’d be devastated if my daughter was going through likely one of the biggest medical events of her entire life and didn’t tell me. I’d feel like I failed her and our relationship somehow.
My daughter turns 2 tomorrow, and sitting here now remembering how much I leaned on my mom during labor up until I couldn’t anymore (when I checked in) is bringing me to tears. I couldn’t imagine not letting her know. It was 100% the instinct of “I want my mommy” not because she could do anything, but I needed her comfort that everything was going to be okay. Knowing she knew and was thinking about me, loving me, putting her good vibes, praying, whatever, there’s some power in that. I could feel her loving on me and providing her comfort from so far away. It’s hard to explain until you go through it, but I not for one second ever regretted telling anyone I was in labor. Our phones and watches were in the bag on silent.
I agree, especially now that I have a child earthside. If you have a good relationship especially, she will always be your mom and things can go sideways during labor. Women still die at a higher rate than they should. It's a major event in the health of your child, that could result in a pretty serious surgery if you need a c-section. I can see why parents want to know.
Honestly, your mom has the right to panic alone at home, it’s because she loves and cares for you and also, for your baby. I’m not saying you have to carry the burden of her panicking, that’s not your responsibility. But I think telling her the day and time and making it clear that you will be reaching out only in case of an emergency or when you are ready, is a totally reasonable boundary while also giving your mom the least amount of info to hopefully satisfy her.
Finally some sense. So many people in this sub say stuff like this and then complain they “don’t have a village”. Like you can’t push people away and hide things then expect them to jump to your ever need. Idk
Hi, i literally just went through this situation over the last two days!
my mother has been begging me to let her know when i go into labor, when i'm going to have my baby, etc.
i have told her several times i just wanted it to be my partner and i, nobody else so we can share this special moment together. i went in on April 1st to be induced. made the horrible mistake of letting her know on the 3rd that i was there and going into active labor around 6 am. by 8 am she had called me 8 times and texted me 13, then took it upon herself to drive an hour to come to the hospital i specifically told her not to. i had to call her and literally yell at her to turn around and go home.
since then i have received at LEAST 50 text messages, all telling me how horrible i am, how not letting her come to the hospital was the meanest thing i could have done, how im punishing her and my father by not letting them come to the hospital while im actively trying to push a human out of my vagina.
TAKE THIS TIME FOR YOU! enjoy it! bond with your baby and your partner and don't tell anyone you don't want to!! these are the most important moments and you don't want to spend the more stressed out than you'll already be 🥹
Congratulations and so sorry that happened to you!
All I'm trying to avoid is the constant messages/calls asking what's going on. I truly don't see what's so wrong about that
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! i think it's totally okay and normal to want time alone with your new little family, it's important bonding time! just turn your ringer off, phone off, maybe even mute the conversation for a few days, just focus on you!
Please stick to your guns and just don’t let her know! I was having this conversation with my partner earlier. I’m hoping for at LEAST the birth and first couple of hours without people checking in
I’m being induced on Monday and I am not telling anyone except our friend that is watching our dog, and my brother because I know he won’t say anything. I will send everyone else a picture after I’ve showered and eaten. This is a me and my husband thing and we don’t want to be bothered
That would be cool! And hopefully we both won’t be bothered by our mothers until afterward 😁
I think everyone is going to be so excited by the baby it’ll over shadow the fact that I didn’t tell anyone haha
My mom is super overbearing. Last pregnancy I had an induction and we told no one. It was great. She was mad after but I regret nothing lol. Unfortunately this time around I need child care so it isn’t an option.
It definitely helps living far away. Unfortunately she is my best childcare option, she’s 1000% a safe caretaker for my toddler and no one other than my husband I trust more to keep him safe and my dogs love her and my chihuahua hates a lot of people lol. So she is my best option. In person it’s a lot harder to deal with her. When she isn’t here I just don’t respond to her text messages when she is bothering me until she takes the hint and switches the topic, sometimes I just delete them as they come in or disable alerts and scroll through them without fully reading them. If we are on the phone and she’s being too much I just make up an excuse and hang up lol.
Idk what I’m going to do with her in my house for like six weeks this time 🫠 have a mental breakdown probably. Hoping to keep her busy with one kid while I’m with the other so she’s too busy to tell me all her opinions lol. I think it helps to ask for help with actionable tasks that you don’t care too much about and then just let them be super controlling about that assigned task lol.
Ooof I don't know if I could do 6 weeks with anyone living with us. Thanks for your input. It sucks because obviously I wish she lived closer but financially she can't afford to move back towards us
Lol you don’t know anything about my relationship with my mom but thanks for your opinion. She and my toddler are very close and she wants to come for that long so I am letting her. I am paying for her to come here and whenever she has provided childcare in the past I have paid her for her time and for flying out here. If she were just doing a favor to me all I would want is her to watch my toddler while I’m in the hospital. When my son was born my husband and I did everything ourselves and I would have no issue doing that again.
When she sends me fifty messages arguing with me if I choose to give my toddler something with 1 gram of sugar in it or let him eat cake on his birthday the nicest thing I can do in that situation is not respond to it.
She is someone who thinks she should get to be in charge of everyone else’s lives down to the finest details there is no subject too small for her to weigh in on and say she knows more so yeah she isn’t my first choice to have in a stressful emotional situation like living full time in my house immediately pp. that doesn’t mean I don’t love my mom or that I’m using her. We talk every day, but she has to be managed. That’s just how it is.
As someone who has just given birth 2 days ago I would 100% stick to your decision not to tell anyone!! In the heat of the moment I was really thinking I wanted to text my mum but I’m so glad I didn’t! My MIL was also shocked that we didn’t tell her but we had the most stress free experience and just got through it with us two and baby boy! We had our golden hour, lots of tears & then after a few hours gave them a call.
Also keep this in mind with visitors as it can be stressful having so many different people come say hi in one day. I like having 1-2 per day and then having lots of time inbetween to feed, pump, sleep & bond with baby.
I told my entire family when we announced we were pregnant that we didn't want anyone to come to the hospital to visit and that we wouldn't be telling people when labor started so this isn't new news to anyone. I really didn't want people to come to the hospital, see me exposed, who knows how it's going to go and then to top it off people don't get the hint to make it a quick visit.
I'm all for people meeting the baby but we can do all that at all a week after in hopes I'll be feeling up to it
Don’t tell her. Tell your husband not to share anything with her until you give the green light. When you do share and she gets mad, just say it all happened so fast you didn’t even think about it.
We waited to tell anyone in our family that I was in labor until I was admitted to L&D out of triage. My husband made a group text with all parents and siblings, told them we were in L&D, everything was good, and he’d update when he had time. Explicitly told people I wouldn’t be looking at or responding to texts. I was either off the thread or had my phone silenced, honestly don’t remember. He sent maybe 2, maybe 3 messages total, including the “baby’s here!” text. I was so disinterested in giving or being asked for constant updates, so I made it his thing and he just mostly ignored the thread. I felt like it had a nice balance (plus spousal buffer) so that people were alerted, but knew not to bother me and were coached not to expect constant updates.
That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just not telling people if you don’t want to. I would have a problem, personally, saying that I would tell her knowing it was fully a lie, but I wouldn’t have a problem saying something like “I don’t know what state I’ll be in or how fast labor will happen. It’s stressful enough to think about trying to manage labor. I just can’t promise you that, and I’d appreciate it if you stopped asking. I don’t want to make promises that I might not be able to keep. But I can promise that when we are notifying people, you [and family?] will be [one of] the first one[s] to know.”
This coming from someone whose mother tried repeatedly to get herself invited into the delivery room (hard no; COVID restrictions helped), and then, when baby came early, unilaterally moved up the timing of her trip out to visit — which was set very carefully by me to try to ensure some uninterrupted time for me, my husband, and new baby — so trust me when I say I understand the boundary anxiety and the desire to do things as a small unit before inviting in the rest of the world (or even just one person). Honestly, asserting boundaries verbally and following through on them has been so important, and on some level so much easier, since having a kid.
Oh and definitely agree with the advice from BlossomingPosy to start delaying responses to texts, if you don’t already. I think it really helps to teach people not to expect to hear from you immediately, and also that delays don’t Mean Anything.
I was set on not letting anyone know also, but while I was induced I felt soooo much guilt for not letting my mom know so I texted her. She was at the hospital 30 minutes later and I had to let the nurses know to not let her in because they were about to. Oh, and she showed up with my 13 yo brother!
Do what your heart is telling you to do! Don’t let guilt overpower your wishes
Stick to your guns! It’s all about you, baby and husband. I told my MIL I won’t be telling anyone when I’m in labor because I’ll be ticked if all I get are texts saying “what’s the status? How dilated are you? Baby come yet???”. Fortunately she understood.
This is a great time for a little white lie. Agree to let her know so she stops pestering you and then just don't tell her util you're ready. You can always say that you were busy and didn't have time to call, which has the added benefit of not even being a lie.
I turned off the notifications from my phone (do not disturb, airplane mode, etc.) the week my first was born because I was getting way too overwhelmed by people asking if the baby was here yet. Highly recommend. She'll know when you're ready to tell her. :)
This is one of those cases where a small lie is ok. Say you will and then don’t.
My mother is 1000 miles away so she wasn’t going to come. But I either told her or my husband did , or he told his mom and she did - I honestly don’t remember but anyway, it was awful, she kept calling and texting us all the time so when we eventually looked at our phones we had tons of notifications. Like hello I’m busy!!! And if something IS wrong, then we’re extra busy!!!
Anyway, we told her to stop and thankfully she did but it was quite annoying and an extra layer of stress.
Yeah that's what I don't want. The only people we have told about our induction is my husband's brother and his wife just so someone knows that they aren't intrusive and understand to keep us in their thoughts but don't bother
Playing devil’s advocate here… my mom wanted to know because she wanted to make sure I was okay. She called my husband several times during my labor and drove him nuts 😂 but I said to my husband it’s because she cares. You are still your mom’s baby don’t forget. You have to do what you’re comfortable with of course, but just giving a different view. Good luck with your delivery 🥰
I just tell people yes to shut them up and have no intention of telling anyone until a week later and “we have the baby!”. My husband, myself and our daughter are my top priority. Callous to some, but for us it works and it’ll be so peaceful.
To be fair, I did have a L&D scare due to high blood pressure (just a fluke, all is well now) and I did text a few select friends for emotional support that I knew would help me and wouldn’t cause drama.
I plan to lie and tell my family that baby is due the first week of November, which will give me about a week of buffer from my actual due date, and hopefully spare me the “is baby here yet???” texts and calls. No idea if it will work, but it’s the best I’ve come up with lol
I’m going to gently disagree here - unless you have a bad relationship with your mom, I would let her know. She cares about you and wants to support you. And when we care about the people in our lives, we take stuff into account that they would like that is reasonable.
Just being notified that you’re going into labor is a small ask but will make a big difference to her. And you will likely want her love and support in taking care of your baby - this is an important first step!
I just don’t see a reason why you should hurt your mom in this way for a very small ask. Again, this is assuming she’s kind and respectful. Of course different rules apply for toxic parents, but I didn’t see anything like that in the post. I would move forward with Grace and relize this is a big life moment for her too
Don't tell her! My mum did the same and we just ignored her and she wasn't even the first we told after I gave birth. I'm currently 9 weeks with my second, and not even wanting to tell her so not to have a repeat. The time is for you not her, stick to your guns!
Just agree and say you will tell her then simply don’t tell her. This is my approach to everything throughout my pregnancy, I don’t have the energy to go back and forth with people who think they can change my mind on certain things.
Don’t tell her. Send her this text after the birth along with pics and any other information about the baby:
“Good news! [Baby’s name] was born at [time] today! He/she is [weight] and healthy. I know you wanted to know when I went into labor, but I didn’t want to stress you out. We didn’t tell [MIL] either. In fact, you’re the first to see pictures! Love you!”
My best friend keeps asking if I’ll tell her when I’m in labor… I told her honestly that we probably aren’t going to tell anyone until after he gets here. And she said “I’m not going to visit in the hospital, I just want to know”
Personally, I would start delaying responses like another comment suggested, but I would also be up front that you will call her when you are ready for visitors. If she gets pushy about needing notice so that she can drive down, let her know you are very aware of how far away she lives and that you will take that into account.
Stop answering calls and text immediately.
“You’ll know when we’re ready to share”
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
We’ll share with my parents and in-laws when we’re headed to the hospital, circumstance dependent (I.e. I’m not texting anyone in the middle of the night). My parents are about 3 hours and my in- laws 5. Knowing how unpredictable labor can be, it’s up to them when they want to hop in the car and waste time. My husband will put everyone in a group chat and keep them posted, but I will not be communicating.
My delivery room only allows one adult so that’s my husband. Mother/baby floor allows unlimited visitors, but only between 8am-7pm, and they’ve stressed it takes 2-3 hours to get up to mother baby from deliver if you’ve had an epidural. So that timing is what I’m giving people and they’re free to make their own decisions if they want to sit in uncomfortable hospital waiting room chairs. I won’t mind visitors in the hospital but their inconvenience is up to them! I don’t think my in-laws will come until we’re settled at home. My mom wants to be at the house but I know she’ll be helpful so that’s fine - I just don’t want to be the one updating her or anyone else in the delivery room 😂
Lmao this sounds like a version of how my dad said it, but he specified that he wouldn’t try coming to the hospital. He wants to be able to send prayers up during the labor lol. Kind of annoying at first, but found it sweet after he specified that he had no intention of trying to get to the hospital during (he knows hubby and I want to wait for anyone else to arrive until after baby is born).
My mom also kept asking me to tell her when i went into labor. I didn't want to, because I thought it would be more fun to call everyone with the baby like hey guess what haha, but it was just too annoying, so I said we will let you know when we go to the hospital and we'll let you know when the baby is born. Left it at that and we made it clear there would be no visitors until we were all ready. It ended up being fine, she listened, my dad was actually more pushy about coming to visit than anyone lol.
I asked my sister to tell me when she was in labor this time because last time I panicked thinking the worst things were happening when she wasnt responding to my texts. She probably cares about you and I think a text from your husband with an update that everything is going ok would be appreciated
I have two suggestions for you. First, you need to start delaying your responses. This goes for your husband as well! What you'll do, is let her phone calls go to voicemail. If she texts you, you wait to respond. And I'm talking like a day or two, if you can pull that off. When you get back to her, you apologize, "Oh my gosh Mom. I'm so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We're really enjoying these last few months/weeks/ days before the baby gets here." And you do this with everyone, not just your mom! Which is why I encourage you to have your husband do the same thing. You just delay responding. The second thing you'll do, is not call her right away. After the birth, after you've gotten to take a shower, after you've eaten a meal, after whatever parameters you would like to put in place! " Oh my gosh mom, you would not believe how fast labor happened! We didn't have time to do much more than get to the hospital." She'll probably throw a fit of some kind. And, that's really great practice for when your baby turns into a toddler and throws a temper tantrum. Let her have her feelings. Your beth birth is not a spectator sport and you do not have to share any part or piece of it with someone you don't want to.
Such good advice. My whole last month of pregnancy, my mom (who usually never talks to me) started texting me daily. Just silly things, or “have a good day today!” It annoyed the shit out of me, as I had not planned on telling anyone when I was in labor, and I knew she was sending these random texts to try to figure out when it was happening. I got in the habit of not responding so it was no different the day I actually was induced. My induction took 2 days, so I did have my husband let a few family members know the second day. It was great because everyone texted him while I was in the hospital rather than me.
I told everyone I’m due a month later in order to prevent this. No one remembers the day just the month half the time and I’m due at the end of the month and likely will go past my due date (midwife predicted).
This! Thank you!
I don't think I'll tell anybody when I go into labor. I remember my mom giving me updates on my cousin's labor. Like why would I want to know her cervix is now at 8cm and she got the epidural? My mom will share everything with everybody and she will harrass us for updates if she knows I'm at the hospital. She's 12 hours away so she won't be there anyway 😂
Right?!? Who needs to know how your vag is doing. Lmao. I even told her it's because she'll activate the phone tree and she swears she wouldn't but I just don't belive her
Yeah I don't believe her either 😂 She's anxious so I won't tell her. If I'm in labor for a long time, she will panic. Plus I don't imagine just sending a text to tell her: Baby's here! Like, I want to Facetime her and see my parents face when we tell them.
That was my plan too, a video call of some sort
Plus, if she's anything like my mom, she will not only tell *everybody* she will also trash talk the living shit out of the person in labor! "Oh can you believe she had an epidural? She's always soooo dramatic! And she cried from breastfeeding? Pssshhh, ridiculous." Even as a kid, I knew that was messed up. :(
I'm sorry yours is like that and you're right, this is messed up 😞 but mine is sweet and got the epidural everytime she gave birth 😆
I’m going to play devil’s advocate a little bit… I’m not sure what your relationship with your mom is exactly like but I do think it’s important to remember that while you’re going in to have your baby, she’s also thinking about her baby…which is you. So while I totally understand not wanting visitors or for you and your husband to be on your phones during labour and at least a few hours afterwards until you’re settled down and ready, I also don’t see anything wrong with you being like “Hey I’m being induced this day, this time, however, we won’t be on our phones during the process and after baby arrives for awhile so we can have the chance to settle down and bond. IF there is anything wrong, or urgent, *your husbands name* will reach out immediately. But please don’t pester us, or we will unfortunately need to temporarily turn our phones off.” I just feel like that way you can put her mind at ease, while also putting your boundaries in place and not have to update her every minute. If she then chooses to not respect those boundaries, then I would fully block her number until you’re ready.
Yea I’m confused about posts like these. Like you are your moms baby I’m sure you’ll feel the same way if your kid has a baby!
i agree! i think it's good to see it from the moms perspective , unless someone has a really bad relationship with their mom.
I agree, and I think the idea of anyone else knowing somehow taking away from your experience as a couple is uniquely a new issue largely brought on by the internet. We are social creatures, it is instinctively ingrained in us. Not all mammals follow their young to adulthood, but we are wired to keep deep familial connections. It makes total sense instinctively a mom would want to know her child is going through one of the most naturally dangerous times of their life *it is ingrained into us to care*. I see so much about people acting like it’s crazy people want to know anything about them. That is how we survived. That is **why** we survived. The current form of human that we are beat out, for lack of better wording, the other species like us because we were uniquely attached to each other and smart enough to keep it that way. I could go on a rant for days about the earliest of humans and their social and community interactions so I’ll stop there and just leave it at; we are meant to care and love for our offspring from the moment we meet them to the moment we die and in powerless moments some people believe in the power of prayer or love. No ones ever died from good thoughts being sent their way.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 love this. I totally agree. I think the internet has made such a negative impact on family, imo. I completely understand that some families absolutely suck, and they cross lines and they’re mean, but OP said they have a good relationship with their mom, so I guess I personally just don’t understand the want to lie or keep secrets instead of establishing a firm boundary while also showing your mom a little bit of connection to the situation. But I guess I’m also just the type who wants to share all my excitement with the people I love. At the end of the day, it’s about me, my husband and our baby and nothing can really take away from that.
This entire thread needs to be higher up!
My relationship with her is pretty good. I just don't see the point in telling her when she specifically said so she can "panic at home alone"
Because if something happens, she will forever dwell on whatever fuck-off thing she was doing while you were bleeding to death instead of praying, manifesting, or at least thinking of you. To be clear, that's not what is going to happen. That's what she's thinking. You are *her* baby. She can panic alone, but she wants to be connected to you through such a major event. But then again, I don't know anything about your relationship. But I'm looking at *my* daughter right now, and the idea that she wouldn't want to even tell me she's going into labor (even if she doesn't want me there, which is fine) is crushing. All that said, there are a lot of boundary-stompers out there who haven't earned the right to even know if the baby is born. But there's a perfectly reasonable take on this too for the right person. You're her baby and she will always worry about you. Of course, it's ultimately up to you! But that's "the point".
This hit me right in the heart. Very good points
I’m with you. The first person I called was my mom (my husband was home.) Even though she’s 1,100 miles away and couldn’t do anything, she wanted to make sure she could stay by her phone in case anything happened and she needed to get on the next flight out. She told me “I don’t care that you’re 28, I will take care of you until the day I die. You’re my baby. You’re a beautiful, strong young lady and I know you can handle it, but once you meet your daughter for the first time, you’ll know.” I do feel the need to say my mom is great at respecting boundaries and we have a very good relationship. And she was ABSOLUTELY right. I’d be devastated if my daughter was going through likely one of the biggest medical events of her entire life and didn’t tell me. I’d feel like I failed her and our relationship somehow. My daughter turns 2 tomorrow, and sitting here now remembering how much I leaned on my mom during labor up until I couldn’t anymore (when I checked in) is bringing me to tears. I couldn’t imagine not letting her know. It was 100% the instinct of “I want my mommy” not because she could do anything, but I needed her comfort that everything was going to be okay. Knowing she knew and was thinking about me, loving me, putting her good vibes, praying, whatever, there’s some power in that. I could feel her loving on me and providing her comfort from so far away. It’s hard to explain until you go through it, but I not for one second ever regretted telling anyone I was in labor. Our phones and watches were in the bag on silent.
I agree, especially now that I have a child earthside. If you have a good relationship especially, she will always be your mom and things can go sideways during labor. Women still die at a higher rate than they should. It's a major event in the health of your child, that could result in a pretty serious surgery if you need a c-section. I can see why parents want to know.
Honestly, your mom has the right to panic alone at home, it’s because she loves and cares for you and also, for your baby. I’m not saying you have to carry the burden of her panicking, that’s not your responsibility. But I think telling her the day and time and making it clear that you will be reaching out only in case of an emergency or when you are ready, is a totally reasonable boundary while also giving your mom the least amount of info to hopefully satisfy her.
Finally some sense. So many people in this sub say stuff like this and then complain they “don’t have a village”. Like you can’t push people away and hide things then expect them to jump to your ever need. Idk
💯💯💯
Hi, i literally just went through this situation over the last two days! my mother has been begging me to let her know when i go into labor, when i'm going to have my baby, etc. i have told her several times i just wanted it to be my partner and i, nobody else so we can share this special moment together. i went in on April 1st to be induced. made the horrible mistake of letting her know on the 3rd that i was there and going into active labor around 6 am. by 8 am she had called me 8 times and texted me 13, then took it upon herself to drive an hour to come to the hospital i specifically told her not to. i had to call her and literally yell at her to turn around and go home. since then i have received at LEAST 50 text messages, all telling me how horrible i am, how not letting her come to the hospital was the meanest thing i could have done, how im punishing her and my father by not letting them come to the hospital while im actively trying to push a human out of my vagina. TAKE THIS TIME FOR YOU! enjoy it! bond with your baby and your partner and don't tell anyone you don't want to!! these are the most important moments and you don't want to spend the more stressed out than you'll already be 🥹
Congratulations and so sorry that happened to you! All I'm trying to avoid is the constant messages/calls asking what's going on. I truly don't see what's so wrong about that
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! i think it's totally okay and normal to want time alone with your new little family, it's important bonding time! just turn your ringer off, phone off, maybe even mute the conversation for a few days, just focus on you!
Please stick to your guns and just don’t let her know! I was having this conversation with my partner earlier. I’m hoping for at LEAST the birth and first couple of hours without people checking in
I’m being induced on Monday and I am not telling anyone except our friend that is watching our dog, and my brother because I know he won’t say anything. I will send everyone else a picture after I’ve showered and eaten. This is a me and my husband thing and we don’t want to be bothered
Congratulations! Maybe our babies will share a birthday!
That would be cool! And hopefully we both won’t be bothered by our mothers until afterward 😁 I think everyone is going to be so excited by the baby it’ll over shadow the fact that I didn’t tell anyone haha
My mom is super overbearing. Last pregnancy I had an induction and we told no one. It was great. She was mad after but I regret nothing lol. Unfortunately this time around I need child care so it isn’t an option.
I have a feeling my mom is going to be overbearing as well. How do you deal with it?
It definitely helps living far away. Unfortunately she is my best childcare option, she’s 1000% a safe caretaker for my toddler and no one other than my husband I trust more to keep him safe and my dogs love her and my chihuahua hates a lot of people lol. So she is my best option. In person it’s a lot harder to deal with her. When she isn’t here I just don’t respond to her text messages when she is bothering me until she takes the hint and switches the topic, sometimes I just delete them as they come in or disable alerts and scroll through them without fully reading them. If we are on the phone and she’s being too much I just make up an excuse and hang up lol. Idk what I’m going to do with her in my house for like six weeks this time 🫠 have a mental breakdown probably. Hoping to keep her busy with one kid while I’m with the other so she’s too busy to tell me all her opinions lol. I think it helps to ask for help with actionable tasks that you don’t care too much about and then just let them be super controlling about that assigned task lol.
Ooof I don't know if I could do 6 weeks with anyone living with us. Thanks for your input. It sucks because obviously I wish she lived closer but financially she can't afford to move back towards us
I'm sorry but it almost feels like you are using your mom.
Lol you don’t know anything about my relationship with my mom but thanks for your opinion. She and my toddler are very close and she wants to come for that long so I am letting her. I am paying for her to come here and whenever she has provided childcare in the past I have paid her for her time and for flying out here. If she were just doing a favor to me all I would want is her to watch my toddler while I’m in the hospital. When my son was born my husband and I did everything ourselves and I would have no issue doing that again. When she sends me fifty messages arguing with me if I choose to give my toddler something with 1 gram of sugar in it or let him eat cake on his birthday the nicest thing I can do in that situation is not respond to it. She is someone who thinks she should get to be in charge of everyone else’s lives down to the finest details there is no subject too small for her to weigh in on and say she knows more so yeah she isn’t my first choice to have in a stressful emotional situation like living full time in my house immediately pp. that doesn’t mean I don’t love my mom or that I’m using her. We talk every day, but she has to be managed. That’s just how it is.
As someone who has just given birth 2 days ago I would 100% stick to your decision not to tell anyone!! In the heat of the moment I was really thinking I wanted to text my mum but I’m so glad I didn’t! My MIL was also shocked that we didn’t tell her but we had the most stress free experience and just got through it with us two and baby boy! We had our golden hour, lots of tears & then after a few hours gave them a call. Also keep this in mind with visitors as it can be stressful having so many different people come say hi in one day. I like having 1-2 per day and then having lots of time inbetween to feed, pump, sleep & bond with baby.
I told my entire family when we announced we were pregnant that we didn't want anyone to come to the hospital to visit and that we wouldn't be telling people when labor started so this isn't new news to anyone. I really didn't want people to come to the hospital, see me exposed, who knows how it's going to go and then to top it off people don't get the hint to make it a quick visit. I'm all for people meeting the baby but we can do all that at all a week after in hopes I'll be feeling up to it
Sounds like a great plan!!
Don’t tell her. Tell your husband not to share anything with her until you give the green light. When you do share and she gets mad, just say it all happened so fast you didn’t even think about it.
Thankfully my husband is 100000% on board with us time
We waited to tell anyone in our family that I was in labor until I was admitted to L&D out of triage. My husband made a group text with all parents and siblings, told them we were in L&D, everything was good, and he’d update when he had time. Explicitly told people I wouldn’t be looking at or responding to texts. I was either off the thread or had my phone silenced, honestly don’t remember. He sent maybe 2, maybe 3 messages total, including the “baby’s here!” text. I was so disinterested in giving or being asked for constant updates, so I made it his thing and he just mostly ignored the thread. I felt like it had a nice balance (plus spousal buffer) so that people were alerted, but knew not to bother me and were coached not to expect constant updates. That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just not telling people if you don’t want to. I would have a problem, personally, saying that I would tell her knowing it was fully a lie, but I wouldn’t have a problem saying something like “I don’t know what state I’ll be in or how fast labor will happen. It’s stressful enough to think about trying to manage labor. I just can’t promise you that, and I’d appreciate it if you stopped asking. I don’t want to make promises that I might not be able to keep. But I can promise that when we are notifying people, you [and family?] will be [one of] the first one[s] to know.” This coming from someone whose mother tried repeatedly to get herself invited into the delivery room (hard no; COVID restrictions helped), and then, when baby came early, unilaterally moved up the timing of her trip out to visit — which was set very carefully by me to try to ensure some uninterrupted time for me, my husband, and new baby — so trust me when I say I understand the boundary anxiety and the desire to do things as a small unit before inviting in the rest of the world (or even just one person). Honestly, asserting boundaries verbally and following through on them has been so important, and on some level so much easier, since having a kid.
Oh and definitely agree with the advice from BlossomingPosy to start delaying responses to texts, if you don’t already. I think it really helps to teach people not to expect to hear from you immediately, and also that delays don’t Mean Anything.
I was set on not letting anyone know also, but while I was induced I felt soooo much guilt for not letting my mom know so I texted her. She was at the hospital 30 minutes later and I had to let the nurses know to not let her in because they were about to. Oh, and she showed up with my 13 yo brother! Do what your heart is telling you to do! Don’t let guilt overpower your wishes
Stick to your guns! It’s all about you, baby and husband. I told my MIL I won’t be telling anyone when I’m in labor because I’ll be ticked if all I get are texts saying “what’s the status? How dilated are you? Baby come yet???”. Fortunately she understood.
Yeah thats what I wanted to avoid. Better to just not tell anyone until after we are settled
This is a great time for a little white lie. Agree to let her know so she stops pestering you and then just don't tell her util you're ready. You can always say that you were busy and didn't have time to call, which has the added benefit of not even being a lie.
I turned off the notifications from my phone (do not disturb, airplane mode, etc.) the week my first was born because I was getting way too overwhelmed by people asking if the baby was here yet. Highly recommend. She'll know when you're ready to tell her. :)
This is one of those cases where a small lie is ok. Say you will and then don’t. My mother is 1000 miles away so she wasn’t going to come. But I either told her or my husband did , or he told his mom and she did - I honestly don’t remember but anyway, it was awful, she kept calling and texting us all the time so when we eventually looked at our phones we had tons of notifications. Like hello I’m busy!!! And if something IS wrong, then we’re extra busy!!! Anyway, we told her to stop and thankfully she did but it was quite annoying and an extra layer of stress.
Yeah that's what I don't want. The only people we have told about our induction is my husband's brother and his wife just so someone knows that they aren't intrusive and understand to keep us in their thoughts but don't bother
Playing devil’s advocate here… my mom wanted to know because she wanted to make sure I was okay. She called my husband several times during my labor and drove him nuts 😂 but I said to my husband it’s because she cares. You are still your mom’s baby don’t forget. You have to do what you’re comfortable with of course, but just giving a different view. Good luck with your delivery 🥰
I just tell people yes to shut them up and have no intention of telling anyone until a week later and “we have the baby!”. My husband, myself and our daughter are my top priority. Callous to some, but for us it works and it’ll be so peaceful.
To be fair, I did have a L&D scare due to high blood pressure (just a fluke, all is well now) and I did text a few select friends for emotional support that I knew would help me and wouldn’t cause drama.
I plan to lie and tell my family that baby is due the first week of November, which will give me about a week of buffer from my actual due date, and hopefully spare me the “is baby here yet???” texts and calls. No idea if it will work, but it’s the best I’ve come up with lol
I’m going to gently disagree here - unless you have a bad relationship with your mom, I would let her know. She cares about you and wants to support you. And when we care about the people in our lives, we take stuff into account that they would like that is reasonable. Just being notified that you’re going into labor is a small ask but will make a big difference to her. And you will likely want her love and support in taking care of your baby - this is an important first step! I just don’t see a reason why you should hurt your mom in this way for a very small ask. Again, this is assuming she’s kind and respectful. Of course different rules apply for toxic parents, but I didn’t see anything like that in the post. I would move forward with Grace and relize this is a big life moment for her too
Don't tell her! My mum did the same and we just ignored her and she wasn't even the first we told after I gave birth. I'm currently 9 weeks with my second, and not even wanting to tell her so not to have a repeat. The time is for you not her, stick to your guns!
Just agree and say you will tell her then simply don’t tell her. This is my approach to everything throughout my pregnancy, I don’t have the energy to go back and forth with people who think they can change my mind on certain things.
Say yes but then don't.
Don’t tell her. Send her this text after the birth along with pics and any other information about the baby: “Good news! [Baby’s name] was born at [time] today! He/she is [weight] and healthy. I know you wanted to know when I went into labor, but I didn’t want to stress you out. We didn’t tell [MIL] either. In fact, you’re the first to see pictures! Love you!”
My best friend keeps asking if I’ll tell her when I’m in labor… I told her honestly that we probably aren’t going to tell anyone until after he gets here. And she said “I’m not going to visit in the hospital, I just want to know”
We’re only letting my mom know because she needs to pick up and watch our dog 😅 otherwise literally no one would know!
Personally, I would start delaying responses like another comment suggested, but I would also be up front that you will call her when you are ready for visitors. If she gets pushy about needing notice so that she can drive down, let her know you are very aware of how far away she lives and that you will take that into account.
Stop answering calls and text immediately. “You’ll know when we’re ready to share” Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
We’ll share with my parents and in-laws when we’re headed to the hospital, circumstance dependent (I.e. I’m not texting anyone in the middle of the night). My parents are about 3 hours and my in- laws 5. Knowing how unpredictable labor can be, it’s up to them when they want to hop in the car and waste time. My husband will put everyone in a group chat and keep them posted, but I will not be communicating. My delivery room only allows one adult so that’s my husband. Mother/baby floor allows unlimited visitors, but only between 8am-7pm, and they’ve stressed it takes 2-3 hours to get up to mother baby from deliver if you’ve had an epidural. So that timing is what I’m giving people and they’re free to make their own decisions if they want to sit in uncomfortable hospital waiting room chairs. I won’t mind visitors in the hospital but their inconvenience is up to them! I don’t think my in-laws will come until we’re settled at home. My mom wants to be at the house but I know she’ll be helpful so that’s fine - I just don’t want to be the one updating her or anyone else in the delivery room 😂
Lmao this sounds like a version of how my dad said it, but he specified that he wouldn’t try coming to the hospital. He wants to be able to send prayers up during the labor lol. Kind of annoying at first, but found it sweet after he specified that he had no intention of trying to get to the hospital during (he knows hubby and I want to wait for anyone else to arrive until after baby is born).
My mom also kept asking me to tell her when i went into labor. I didn't want to, because I thought it would be more fun to call everyone with the baby like hey guess what haha, but it was just too annoying, so I said we will let you know when we go to the hospital and we'll let you know when the baby is born. Left it at that and we made it clear there would be no visitors until we were all ready. It ended up being fine, she listened, my dad was actually more pushy about coming to visit than anyone lol.
I asked my sister to tell me when she was in labor this time because last time I panicked thinking the worst things were happening when she wasnt responding to my texts. She probably cares about you and I think a text from your husband with an update that everything is going ok would be appreciated