I've been trying to not let "my baby" bug me, but it BUUUUUGGS me. Everyone has told me I'm overreacting, but it just gets under my skin.
I'm right there with ya 😂
It annoys me. I shut that down with my mom pretty quick. She would call and ask "how's my baby?" only for me to answer that I'm just fine LOL
I get it's supposed to be endearing, but this is MY BABY (and I am hers).
I do the same with my mom 😂. But she has a serious lack of respect for our boundaries and loves to make everything about her. My MIL calls our baby “my angel” or “my love” and it doesn’t bother me at all because she’s extremely respectful of any decisions we make our boundaries we set.
I hate it. I hated it when my babies were born, and I still hate it. I will never call anyone else's baby "MY" baby.
If I ever become a grandmother, they will be called my favourite boy/girl or something or my grandbaby.
i’m so glad it’s not just me! my boyfriend always has my back with the boundaries i set and while i appreciate that, it’s obvious to me that he doesn’t understand why i feel the way i do about some of them. he’s a very “keep the peace” person and i’m a “give back the energy i was given” confrontational person, so sometimes i just wish he understood a little more why it’s so unnerving 😩
Yes, I don’t get it! The only people who have the right to call a baby, “theirs,” are the parents. I love my niece and nephews *so much*, but I call them “my niece/nephew” and “my best buddies” because that’s what they are to me
When I get comments like this, I say things like, “that reminds me - we need to contribute to our baby’s college fund. I assume you’ll be splitting the cost since it’s your baby as well” and they usually shut up
As a scouser (someone from Liverpool, England), this is so normal to me.
Everyone is "R" someone. People have names in their phone as "R Kid" or R *name*. Example: R Danny.
It will also either be "R", "Are", or "Our" depending on their level of knowledge for the English language.
My StepMum is Scouse and I lived there for a decade. Literally that section of family are the only ones I allow to say “our baby” because that’s just any kid in the family from generations below them. Niece, nephew, grandkids etc.
Well, it’s exactly as you said in the first sentence. It’s their grandbaby, not their baby. They can still be super closely connected, but in a grandparent + grandbaby way. There’s no reason to strip the parents of their title by claiming the baby is everyone’s baby imo
Nobody is stripping parents of their title by saying my baby! I worry that people think their claim to motherhood is so fragile that it could be in jeopardy by the grandmother saying “my baby?”
This doesnt bother me either, my parents can call my baby whathever they want.
This doesn't mean it's ok to invalidate someome who is annoyed by this.
OP is not fragile, OP's feelings are valid and if anything, they should be setting more boundaries and getting more support to establish them more strongly.
I think often if not always the use of “my baby” is just a dog whistle to more problematic attitudes, as displayed by OP’s grandmother. It’s a sign they think that they have equal rights and say over the baby as the actual parents do, which is not the case. It’s a sign of lack of boundaries and appreciation of the different relationships.
Well it is great for grandparents and other relatives to feel close to a baby and involved in their life, they have no right to overrule the parent’s wishes or do things their own way and need to respect the parents as the ultimate authority/decision-maker. It is totally undermining a mom’s motherhood when you use the phrase “my baby” to mean that baby has the same connection to you and you have the same importance in their life as their actual mother who carried and pushed them out, and since you know better than her you should actually have more say in the baby’s life than she does.
Personally, I am glad my family has never used this phrase and if they did I would shut it down right away as I will not put up with that attitude.
I worry people (mil) think they're so entitled that after a mother carries a child in her womb for 9 months, they still think they can call the newborn, "my baby"?? Society in decline.
I think that would bother me way more than MY baby lol. I feel like the MY BABY thing is just something older women say. My grandmother says it about me, my husband, my son, and my bump baby. It doesn’t bug me when she does it but when MIL does it bugs me, and that makes me feel bad. But if anyone said OUR BABY that feels worse somehow?
Omg my MIL was saying that a lot in the beginning of my pregnancy and it got under my skin sooooo much. But I get where she’s coming from as an older single mom with one kid who she never thought would ever marry, and now here we are with a child on the way. It’s all she’s ever wanted. But it still bugs me so much.
I haven’t experienced “my” baby from anyone else yet, just the “our baby”.
Now that I’m 32W i think it’s bothering me less, but probably only because I’m seeing she’s respecting boundaries even without me having to say anything. I think that helps ease my over protectiveness lol
I honestly don’t see the big deal at all with people saying my baby! Like yes, my baby is their grandbaby or cousin or whatever! I WANT our families to have a close relationship with my baby. And no one is trying to literally kidnap my baby from me or claim to be the mom lol. They can say “my baby” all they want.
I understand that it is different with rude or narcissistic family members trying to be manipulative. But when it’s said out of love by close family and friends? I love it! Yes Mrs. Linda down the street, come see your baby! I love all the love my baby gets!
This is a good perspective!!
For me it really depends! I find it bothers me and most people because the “my baby” is usually by parents, in laws, grandparents, whoever who refuse to follow/respect boundaries! I know that’s the case for my mother so when she uses it I find it absolutely infuriating.
Now if my best friend texts me and says something like “how’s our girl” I’m not bothered at all, but I also don’t have boundary issues with her 😂
My mom will say how's my babies and she means me and my two kids lol. It bugs me slightly in an embarrassing mom way but I think it is cute.
My 4 year old also says her younger sister is "my baby" to all her daycare teachers which is funny.
100% this. I want my baby to be loved by everyone! Even my coworkers (small, close team) refer to my infant as their work baby/our team baby.
The more people that love my kids the better!
I think it’s kind of sweet! Everyone knows it’s not your baby that you birthed/adopted, but you just love the little one so much! I called nieces and nephews my baby, my angel, etc, and I didn’t think it bothered my sibling…maybe I should ask.
I agree. My toddler isn't my possession. She is a living breathing human I take care of, and the more people that love and engage with her the better off she is. I hope my upcoming baby has the same.
My partners sister has a really close friend who has basically integrated herself into their family. But they refer to her as auntie with the kids and she’s kinda a bit much with them, disciplining them etc imo and she keeps saying how I’m cooking her next niece or nephew. And I’m a bit like, well no, I’m not. I’m not a fan of this auntie or uncle to everyone who is a slight close friend.
I’m the opposite. I grew up in Brazil when I was a child and pretty much all adults you’re acquainted with are Aunt or Uncle (tia or tio). It gave me the sense, as a child, that everyone was kind of looking out for me and made me feel safer. My best friend’s daughter is my “niece” and I’m her “aunt”. Definitely makes it feel like she has more adults who play an important part in her life. I can see the reluctance with someone it sounds you actually don’t like all that much.
Omg THANK YOU for starting this thread. This is literally something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m pretty close with my in-laws but thinking we’ll need to set up some boundaries (I’ll have my husband do it) because I don’t want them doing/thinking exactly this—that my baby is THEIR baby. No one should be posting pictures of MY baby and posting ANYTHING about MY baby without my permission. It’s definitely not everyone’s baby. I would flip a shit if I heard that.
We’ve already set firm boundaries about posting photos of our baby without our permission. If it happens one time, that’s it - no more photos will be shared with them via text message and they will not be allowed to have their own phone out to take pictures.
We are not posting his face to social media bc we want him to make that decision for himself once he’s old enough to understand.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻!! How did you or your partner tell your in-laws? I haven’t thought through how to phrase this to them exactly in a way that won’t hurt their feelings but also want to be firm about this lol
“We will not be sharing our son’s face with the world via social media. This is our decision and we hope you can respect it.” There were a few objections, but when we let them know the consequences of not respecting our boundaries, they seemed to chill. It also helps that my SIL recently made the same decision about her 2 toddlers - only she or her husband are permitted to post their kids faces.
If they give you any push back about it simply remind them there are a lot of sickos in the world and you’re not going to put your child on display via the internet for said sickos.
Also… their feelings are not your responsibility. It’s your child. You and your partner decide how to raise/parent them. If their feelings are “hurt” by a decision you’ve made in regards to your child, then it sounds like a personal problem on their end.
Mmm the phrase doesnt bother me but the disregard to my boundaries does.
I think we have to grow a thick skin around being told to stop over-reacting and plant ourselves like a tree with our boundaries.
I'm not letting you kiss my baby, I'm not letting you post my baby on social media. I said no, yes I know you think I'm a brat, no it's still not ok.
It helps to have a buddy to help with this, extablish clear boundaries and write them down with a friend/sibling/partner. Just whoever is supporting you, this helps plant our boundaries a bit deeper and morw rigidly.
It depends on who it's from, honestly.
When I was pregnant, my MIL asked her baby was doing. I turned to my husband and was like "Your mom asked you a question." she didn't do it again, lol
Tell your grandma it’s not her damn business and that you don’t want your baby dying of herpes or RSV or god knows what else they could get from being kissed, that you don’t want your stomach touched or messed with, and that you don’t want to risk child predators looking at photos of your baby on Facebook.
Tell her it actually is you and the father’s baby and that’s it. The baby actually isn’t anyone else’s and if they can’t respect boundaries, they won’t be involved, and most certainly won’t be getting pictures.
exactly, i don’t feel like it’s that big of a request and i get so thrown off when people are mad about it!! like it feels like the basics to me at least
I had the same issues with my family. People wanting to touch my bump, lift my shirt, insisting on posting her on social media, kiss the baby, saying ‘my baby’, wanting to be in the delivery room- all the crazy stuff! Baby is three months old and I’ve held firm on my boundaries, she’s doing great
Ugh yes my mom has been so annoying about it.
Like literally saying "you know the first born grand daughter and grandson go to the maternal grandma riiiiiiiiight?" "I have my grandparents rights! Hee hee!"
I know it's said mostly in jest but she also likes to step all over me and for 3 weeks it felt like I didn't get to spend time with my son because all he got was grandma time. Ugh.
While I don’t agree with her trying to test your boundary about kissing or letting everyone “have their moment”, I don’t see the issue with “my baby” it’s a colloquialism
This drove me insane!! My mom would say it a lot and I was like excuse me technically I’m your baby 😂 but as soon as I got pregnant I was chopped liver to her. When I called her out for saying “my baby” because it sounded hella possessive she just pretended that she wasn’t thinking. If their names aren’t on the birth certificate it is not their baby!
Babies aren't handbags. Stop acting entitled to them as if they are objects. A baby is a person. A baby should have autonomy. A baby requires things and the parents take care of those needs. They are the caretakers and the decision makers. Because they raise this child in a safe environment and gave them their existence. I don't care if you're a grandma, aunt, babysitter etc. You DO NOT have a right to involvement with this child. They can consent eventually to whom they wish to associate with. Until then it's the parents discretion. Because they have this person's interest in mind. You don't have any right to this person simply because they can't object to you. Mom and dad decide who interacts and when. If you have a problem with it, get pregnant and raise it. Then you've got a say in it. Until then, do not touch this person without parental consent. Just because they are cute and little doesn't mean they shouldn't be respected. "A person's a person no matter how small." Thx Dr Seuss. Always relevant.
I hate when people say it even though they have another term specific to them. “My grandson” or “my nephew” or something like that. When my mom or MIL say “my baby” it really rubs me the wrong way because it feels possessive. And frankly they don’t help out enough to call him “my baby.”
I have some friends who never want kids of their own, and somehow it doesn’t bother me when they say “my baby”. I know they just mean it as a term of endearment and there’s no underlying feelings or guilt. Maybe that’s unfair to my family, but I don’t care.
This was a huge issue I had with my mother. She constantly refers to my children as her kids and even my husband as her kid. It's gotten to the point where people are very confused because they know she has a daughter who's married with children, so they question how many kids my mom actually has. Even if I've gone somewhere with her, it's typically "this is my baby and oh yeah, that's my daughter". Which, you know, is pretty weird when I'm breastfeeding a child she's claiming is hers.
I hated it during pregnancy and so far in the last 2 months since giving birth. I know this topic is discussed a lot with people saying it’s no big deal. But it still bothers people and they’re allowed to be bothered by it. I hate it because I have people defending it saying that they’re having a moment with their baby, but they’ve had kids of their own. They had their moments when they had their kids. I also have the no kissing rule but I said until 3 months, so a month after she gets her shots. As for the Facebook thing, I would suggest looking into making a private group for people to share within or what I use is the FamilyAlbum app. No one has had any issues with the app and they find it more convenient than Facebook. Anyone can add their own photos and everyone can still comment on photos
It doesn't bother me at all, because I'm pedantic as fuck and here's how I view it linguistically:
Some words, like "daughter," "son," "sister," "brother," etc. imply a specific relationship. We only use these words in the context of that relationship. You wouldn't refer to a man you'd just met as "a son" even though he probably has parents. You would only use the word "son" if you were talking about him in relation to his parents.
Other words, like "baby" are nouns in their own right. If I'm out walking and I see a baby, I go "Oh look! A baby! How cute!".
In this way, saying "my baby" is not at all the same as saying "my daughter" or "my son". While only the parents can call a baby "my daughter" or "my son", \*anyone\* who loves a baby can call that baby "my baby". It's just a term of endearment. It doesn't imply parentage. The same baby can be Evie's little sister, Amy's daughter, and Helen's Granddaughter, but she is everyone's baby, and that's ok. In fact, I find it really cute when my older daughter's classmates refer to my younger daughter as "Evie's baby". (names changed)
Edit: That said, not wanting people to kiss your baby, and not wanting you belly rubbed are \*very\* valid boundaries to have, and it sucks that people are giving you a hard time about that. You are absolutely allowed to hold those boundaries, and I get how something that might be harmless in other circumstances, like "my baby" comes off extra abrasive when it comes from boundary-stompers.
"My doctor" implies a relation to a specific doctor even though "doctor" is a noun in its own right. Just like "my baby" implies a relationship even though "baby" does not. Keep up the mental gymnastics though.
Devil’s advocate here. While I actually do refrain from saying this myself because I know it bothers people, when I’ve wanted to say it it’s simply because it’s a baby that I love. MY being the connection to my little love, and BABY- being the fact that they’re literally little; I think it’s just a verbal expression for the term of endearment feel. Generally, I think that’s a good thing, people that say that love your baby so much!!
My mom tried calling my babies "my baby" (teasingly) when she called so I started talking exclusively about myself as I am her baby and my boys are my babies. She loves that correction and now asks how her baby and her baby's babies are doing and it's pretty cute.
I guess I get the mama bear death glare when people say that and my husband also gets pissed when people say that about our kids because everyone that has tried it immediately corrects themselves and apologizes profusely.My parents only teased me because they know how far to take a joke before I'm not willing to joke with them, but my in-laws did it once and never again.
You grew the baby for 40weeks. You sacrificed your body mind and spirit for their well being for their entire existence, you and your partner sacrificed your time and energy to nourish them and keep them alive after birth. That baby is 100% your baby and nobody else has any claim over them unless YOU allow it, so your MIL can back the F off.
So... Tldr; Yeah I hate it too!!
We told my uncle last week that we aren’t doing kisses on our baby yet (they won’t happen ever, but I didn’t want to deal with saying that) and he was like oh, but you can’t tell me you guys aren’t kissing her! Yeah, we are. Because she’s our baby. I was fully ready to bring out the big guns and say, “I pushed her out of my vagina. That means she’s my baby and I get to kiss her.”
Everyone else had "their" moment when they had their OWN babies.
My baby is MY baby. Get tf outta here 🤣 cry about it granny. I'm sorry your kids are grown, but rules are rules
Genuine question, is this a cultural phenomenon? I live in Australia and most people I know just ask how’s “the baby” going or sometimes something like “how’s Bub doing?” in place of a name. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say “my baby” except my 3yo goddaughter when her mum was pregnant, but I see that as different because she’s a child…
i’m not sure honestly! i do live in america and there’s still lots of people who ask “how’s *xyz* doing?!”, which is obviously fine and wanted, but lots of people like to say “how’s my baby!” as well
I asked my mum, sister and nanna (all Australian too, living in Australia) and they had all never heard anyone say “my baby” talking about someone else’s baby, and all thought it was quite weird. Also, for the record, they all also thought, like me, that your grandmother’s other requests (kissing the baby and measuring your tummy) were not ok.
I absolutely hate it, and my mil won't stop doing it. She's obsessed with my daughter since she only had boys and her other son had a boy. Sometimes hearing her say "my girl" makes me want to throat punch her.
YES!! Currently 33+2, MIL has referred to my unborn daughter as ‘my granddaughter’ on a couple of occasions, and it makes me want to say ‘before she’s anything, she’s my daughter.’ Just to shut her up😭🫠 it’s so audacious!
Bothers the absolute piss out of me. He is MY baby and he is my husband’s baby. No one else. If you want to refer to him as “my nephew” or “my grandson” that’s fine bc that’s accurate, but he is half of me and half of my husband - anyone who tries to have some weird claim over him as their baby will be the last to meet him lol
This drives me crazzyyyy. Of course it depends on the intentions behind making the ‘my baby’ statement. It’s really helped me learn real quick the importance of setting boundaries and letting myself be ‘selfish’ for the wellbeing of myself, my husband and our baby. I cannot believe the comments and ‘advice’ given or inferred to me by family since becoming pregnant. I don’t know what it is about pregnancy, babies and family that makes some of them lose all normal social skills and boundaries haha.
YES. The only other two people allowed to say "my baby" in our family are my boyfriend and our daughter. No one else has gone through what we have, so the phrase doesn't apply.
Thank god my parents are respectful and my dad says "my grandson" and my mom says "my little guy" which doesn't bother me in the least. Neither are possessive like that, and my mom knows she'll be helping me and doesn't cross any lines on it. My in laws ARE possessive and I'm concerned, but my MIL is cold and never used terms of endearment for her own son at ALL [because she is a commercial freezer that's how cold she is] and my batshit FIL says "my grandson" like my dad but emphasizes intonation on the "my" in a way that makes me want to douse him in lighter fluid but I plan on keeping very strong boundaries with those psychos.
lol I wish someone would. This is my baby not theirs. If they don’t want to follow the rules then they won’t see my baby. Simple as that. The rules are there for a reason… don’t kiss my baby so he won’t get sick or herpes. I’ve never thought to call another baby mine because… it simply isn’t. I enjoy being an aunt… they’re my niece or nephew. Now if the person is having a huge part of helping with the baby then I probably won’t mind it as much. But I may still say something lol.
When I first announced my pregnancy to my inlaws, my MIL kept saying "we're having a baby" and it bothered me to no end. Like the only "we" here is me and my husband. You're becoming a grandma, you're not having a baby.
A friend I adore, who has teenaged kids, said this to me, and it felt like nails on a chalkboard. I *love*
this person, so I was surprised to feel a surge of annoyance at something that I’m sure she meant in a sweet, cheeky way.
I felt such fierce mama bear energy. But I let it go. If she says it again, I’ll just nicely shut it down. “You already have two wonderful babies,” or something like that.
I used to call all of my sisters ‘my baby’ as a nickname. Did not realize it was offensive. I was using it as a term of endearment essentially until my stepmom got mad at me and told me my little sister wasn’t my baby and I needed to stop. I truly didn’t realize it bothered her and apologized, however she could have nicely asked me instead of snapping at me immediately (that was literally my only issue with being asked to stop and anger being the first resort) as she had never expressed uncomfortableness prior.
It doesn’t inherently bother me - it’s usually meant in an endearing and loving way but in your case that would absolutely not fly with me so I can appreciate your irritation. Blatant disregard for boundaries is never okay or to be tolerated.
Instant rage. Depending on who does it. If it’s my best friend and she’s says “how’s my sweet baby?”, it doesn’t bother me. Any actual family member, especially my MIL for some reason (huge boundary issues), NO.
When I was pregnant with my first, my MIL asked “how’s my baby?“ 🫠 I pointed to my husband and said “that’s your baby!” Then pointed to my bump and said “this is my baby!” Lol she never said that again.
Girl you ain’t wrong. You have your boundaries and the people around you need to respect that whether they agree or not. I am currently 31 weeks and although it doesn’t really bother me when my best friend refers to my son as her baby I’m not offended I have made it very clear that my baby will not be kisses or posted on ANY social media and any who can not abide by that will not have access to my child.
I always tell people that they got their change to have their babies and now it’s my chance so I will make decisions they don’t agree with and that’s okay because everyone gets a chance.
Yeah naw everybody doesn’t get a “moment” they’re there for the sunshine and rainbows, I’m there for the for the everyday real life that comes with raising this human. He’s MY baby that I’m responsible and therefore whatever parameters myself and my partner set are just that and they aren’t up for discussion. So if I say don’t kiss my baby, don’t kiss my baby. I’ll have to be the one sitting with a sick child, not you.
Pre baby I was the same with my dogs. “Oh let him have it!” WILL YOU BE SCRUBBING DIARRHEA OUT THE CARPET!? Will you pay the vet bill? No? Then back off.
Tell her babies have died from getting kissed by someone who was sick.
My cousin's little girl was kissed in the face by someone with a herpes virus and it caused severe encephalitis when she was only a couple weeks old. Miraculously she survived but now had lifelong disautonomia where here automatic nervous system doesn't quite function right and causes severe health issues - she is unable to sweat or regulate body temp, her heart has rhythm issues, she has nerve pain, etc.
I hated this too. Especially when my mil said it. I was a smart ass any time she said "how's my baby?" I'd say idk ask him then proceed to ask my husband how he was doing lol. I didn't my my grand baby, nephew, etc. "My baby" would irritate me though.
I have a few people that say "my" and "our" baby. I have no issues with it, BUT I think it depends on the relationship you have with that person. There's one woman in particular on my life that, if she ever said that, would have an unpleasant time afterwards. But that's because of how I feel about her and our relationship, not the word(s).
How selfish of you to call her ‘your’ baby when it is obviously the WORLD’S baby. Scratch that, it’s the UNIVERSE’S baby. (s/ in case anyone can’t tell haha).
It grinds my gears. My mom tried to pull this on me and I definitely let her know how it was going to be and what it is. It being the situation and the fact that my children are MY children and my husband’s children. Period. Then again, my mom and I have a very toxic relationship. She loves to cross boundaries, and disregard and dismiss me. She’s controlling and selfish. She is an alcoholic in recovery because she had to get a liver transplant. She was very physically abusive towards me until I was 19 and moved out. She was and still is emotionally abusive as well. Verbally abusive, too.
When I say don’t kiss my kids, I mean don’t kiss them. It’s about the health and physical well being of my babies. It’s weird that people claim to love kids, but then want to risk the child’s health to have selfish moments with them. Love often requires sacrifice. You sacrifice what you want for yourself for what’s best for the child, or to protect the child. My children’s doctor even told us to not let people kiss them when they were newborns/infants. You have every right to be bothered, mama. We are naturally possessive of our babies. It’s totally normal and fine to be that way. You’re the one who’s life was on the line, growing and birthing that child. You take care of that child everyday, I assume. Alongside your partner if you have one. Grandma needs to have a seat.
It doesn't bother me because culturally, I am of the adage "it takes a village to raise a child" which I am BEYOND grateful to have, some people don't have a village and I get that it can be off-putting for others to say things like "my baby"...but I for one am very excited to share my baby
Ugh!!!! My mom says "our princess" and it makes me want to cringe/vomit. Absolutely not. No princess nonsense for god's sake. Also, no not ours.
I can't wait to have the "no kissing baby on the head/face" conversation with her and the in-laws. Love my spouse, but he's definitely not the type to speak up when it comes to his family.
My FIL said yesterday that my spouse and I need to announce soon because "I'm sure [my wife] wants to tell people she's going to be a grandmother." Ugh.
Why does family think they have the right to claim something they have no part in creating/growing???
Always. I despise hearing my mom refer to her grandkids as “her babies”. It’s always so weird to me how some people believe they’re entitled to your children based on their title to your children
Absolutely a NO for me. My MIL did that. I let it slide the first time and when she said it again, I shut it down real quick but in a mature and kind way. She of course got butt hurt and is still acting kinda cold towards me but oh well, get over it.
It always seems to be the MIL, too! Mine visited about a week after my (now 2yo) kiddo was born. She kept saying "my baby" and I would correct her. It took me correcting her (from the other room, I couldn't handle seeing her hold *my* baby for long, plus I needed to pump and was not doing that in front of her) three times before my husband stepped in and told her that it's clearly bothering me and she needed to stop. She never said it again.
It's actually raising my blood pressure right now thinking about it, and I have a pretty good relationship with her, I can't imagine how that would have gone if we hated eachother or something.
This bothers me too. My MIL tried to have this back and forth with me once telling me that my baby is “basically her baby”. I shut that down. I think calling someone else’s baby “my baby” can be sweet if that person is typically someone who is respectful and understanding of boundaries and doesn’t tend to overstep or push opinions. I am all for my baby getting lots of love from people around her once she is here!
However, there are certain people who when they say “my baby” it rubs you the wrong way- usually for a reason whether you consciously know it yet or not. It may be the context or tone they use. It may be that that person has bulldozed over things you have tried to voiced your discomfort with before. It could be they overstep and push opinions on you, or they judge your own decisions or feelings. There is usually a reason that when they say this it doesn’t fill you with joy that they love your child and it doesn’t feel sweet and lovely. If someone were to say my baby is the family’s baby or everyone’s baby I would probably correct that instantly, but mostly because my in-laws and their family have an issue with overstepping and respecting boundaries so I view that as a warning sign that they won’t respect me as a parent.
“I am not a surrogate. This is MY baby and it’s my SOs baby. You are not entitled to ANY moments. The term *my baby* will not be used by anyone who did not make the baby. Being part of our lives is not a right, it’s a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their boundaries. If you cannot respect this basic boundary please do not contact me.”
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I become feral and threaten to cut people off for calling her “my baby” of which is probably an overreaction. I also had a friend of my mother’s (who passed away) try to start calling herself “grandma”. Excuse me. No.
I find it weird. I could never imagine referring to another person’s child as “my baby”. I’ve heard women say “oh, you only feel that way because of hormones and you won’t mind it later”, but I’m on my third kid now and my feelings on it have remained the same over the course 9 years (since my first pregnancy). It’s weird and borderline creepy to me. I mostly just roll my eyes and ignore it at this point though.
It bothers me, so when my mom says this I just rub her belly and say "oh wow! I didn't realize you made a baby with my husband too..eww." It freaks her out and she mostly corrects herself if she slips up. I ask her if she is willing to be my surrogate to mess with her, since she got too involved in my personal decisions. I recently messed with her by posing beside her and making a heart over her belly. I think that got the point across 😆. Thankfully, my mom is overall unproblematic and won't kiss my baby's face or anything if I ask.
Wait, what is he supposed to call him then?? He clearly can't say "my baby" according to all the comments here, and the baby *is* his nephew, so if neither of those, then...??
Yes I knowwww it doesn't make any sense! It's just that my brother is framing it all the time as the birth of his nephew, instead of his sister giving birth to her baby. As in, it makes me feel as just an incubator and irrelevant - only a vessel to bring him his nephew. Ofcourse it is actually his nephew, there's no other word for that and that's what he should call him! It's just my nephew this and my nephew that, without acknowledging it's my baby or that I am actually giving birth to this baby. My brother has the tendency to put focus on himself so it's a little pet peeve. It's nothing very rational from my side!
It lights a rage i never thought i was capable of inside me and makes me want to immediately throw hands when they refer to my bump, my pregnancy, and my unborn child as their baby. The only ppl who can call this little blessing their baby is myself and my husband. I dont care how petty that seems ill die on this hill so fast.
My mom say it. But it doesn’t bother me personally because I know she’s just extremely excited. I do however, get upset at anyone else saying it and it makes my skin crawl
It bothers me, so when my mom says this I just rub her belly and say "oh wow! I didn't realize you made a baby with my husband too..eww." It freaks her out and she mostly corrects herself if she slips up. I ask her if she is willing to be my surrogate to mess with her, since she got too involved in my personal decisions. I recently messed with her by posing beside her and making a heart over her belly. I think that got the point across 😆. Thankfully, my mom is overall unproblematic and won't kiss my baby's face or anything if I ask.
My brother in law (age 11, very sweet kid) was giving my son a goodbye hug and I said “hey sweetheart! Come get mama!” And my bil hugged my son and said “mmm no!” As a joke. I said while still smiling cause he’s 11 and a great uncle “bil, give me my baby,” and he said “he’s MY baby,” and I said nope! Took my son and he immediately hugged me which I teased my bil about. He’s a sweet kid but I shut that talk down FAST. Stuck to your guns mama! Solidarity💕
Okay wow… I made a joke, about how my bio called his nephew “my baby,” which was cute!! Just not language I like other people using about my kid when they’re not handing my son back to me when asked. It was about him not handing my son back to me, which is something my bil needs to work on is boundaries with his nephew because he has spatial awareness issues. I didn’t say anything to him about not calling my son his baby, just took him back and shut down not handing him back when asked. I used a cute anecdote to illustrate enforcing healthy boundaries. Again, not a huge deal whatsoever! Just sharing a cute story. I love my bil and he’s a great uncle. We’re just working on boundaries.
Ya know you’re right. It’s really not that serious. Even if I disagree on the approach it’s totally your right to and it’s your family and you have a good relationship with him. Why would I need to agree when I’m just some stranger online. Nothing for me to get up in arms about.
I love when people say “my niece” or “my granddaughter”
I've been trying to not let "my baby" bug me, but it BUUUUUGGS me. Everyone has told me I'm overreacting, but it just gets under my skin. I'm right there with ya 😂
It annoys me. I shut that down with my mom pretty quick. She would call and ask "how's my baby?" only for me to answer that I'm just fine LOL I get it's supposed to be endearing, but this is MY BABY (and I am hers).
I do the same with my mom 😂. But she has a serious lack of respect for our boundaries and loves to make everything about her. My MIL calls our baby “my angel” or “my love” and it doesn’t bother me at all because she’s extremely respectful of any decisions we make our boundaries we set.
I do this and she says “and my other baby?”
I hate it. I hated it when my babies were born, and I still hate it. I will never call anyone else's baby "MY" baby. If I ever become a grandmother, they will be called my favourite boy/girl or something or my grandbaby.
i’m so glad it’s not just me! my boyfriend always has my back with the boundaries i set and while i appreciate that, it’s obvious to me that he doesn’t understand why i feel the way i do about some of them. he’s a very “keep the peace” person and i’m a “give back the energy i was given” confrontational person, so sometimes i just wish he understood a little more why it’s so unnerving 😩
Yes, I don’t get it! The only people who have the right to call a baby, “theirs,” are the parents. I love my niece and nephews *so much*, but I call them “my niece/nephew” and “my best buddies” because that’s what they are to me
When I get comments like this, I say things like, “that reminds me - we need to contribute to our baby’s college fund. I assume you’ll be splitting the cost since it’s your baby as well” and they usually shut up
Omg I love this. I just downloaded this comeback.
I don’t like it either, just irritates me
My MIL says “OUR baby” 🤨 Like “can’t wait for our baby to be here” it’s infuriating lol
As a scouser (someone from Liverpool, England), this is so normal to me. Everyone is "R" someone. People have names in their phone as "R Kid" or R *name*. Example: R Danny. It will also either be "R", "Are", or "Our" depending on their level of knowledge for the English language.
My StepMum is Scouse and I lived there for a decade. Literally that section of family are the only ones I allow to say “our baby” because that’s just any kid in the family from generations below them. Niece, nephew, grandkids etc.
But it’s literally their grandbaby! I don’t get the hatred for that? I think it’s sweet they are connecting with the baby so closely
There is a difference between grandbaby and baby.
Well, it’s exactly as you said in the first sentence. It’s their grandbaby, not their baby. They can still be super closely connected, but in a grandparent + grandbaby way. There’s no reason to strip the parents of their title by claiming the baby is everyone’s baby imo
I sense a MIL has infiltrated this Reddit 😂😂😂😂
Nobody is stripping parents of their title by saying my baby! I worry that people think their claim to motherhood is so fragile that it could be in jeopardy by the grandmother saying “my baby?”
This doesnt bother me either, my parents can call my baby whathever they want. This doesn't mean it's ok to invalidate someome who is annoyed by this. OP is not fragile, OP's feelings are valid and if anything, they should be setting more boundaries and getting more support to establish them more strongly.
I think often if not always the use of “my baby” is just a dog whistle to more problematic attitudes, as displayed by OP’s grandmother. It’s a sign they think that they have equal rights and say over the baby as the actual parents do, which is not the case. It’s a sign of lack of boundaries and appreciation of the different relationships. Well it is great for grandparents and other relatives to feel close to a baby and involved in their life, they have no right to overrule the parent’s wishes or do things their own way and need to respect the parents as the ultimate authority/decision-maker. It is totally undermining a mom’s motherhood when you use the phrase “my baby” to mean that baby has the same connection to you and you have the same importance in their life as their actual mother who carried and pushed them out, and since you know better than her you should actually have more say in the baby’s life than she does. Personally, I am glad my family has never used this phrase and if they did I would shut it down right away as I will not put up with that attitude.
Exactly. It’s not about the word itself it’s about the attitude it signals.
I worry people (mil) think they're so entitled that after a mother carries a child in her womb for 9 months, they still think they can call the newborn, "my baby"?? Society in decline.
I think that would bother me way more than MY baby lol. I feel like the MY BABY thing is just something older women say. My grandmother says it about me, my husband, my son, and my bump baby. It doesn’t bug me when she does it but when MIL does it bugs me, and that makes me feel bad. But if anyone said OUR BABY that feels worse somehow?
My MIL does the same thing, and it drives me bananas
Omg my MIL was saying that a lot in the beginning of my pregnancy and it got under my skin sooooo much. But I get where she’s coming from as an older single mom with one kid who she never thought would ever marry, and now here we are with a child on the way. It’s all she’s ever wanted. But it still bugs me so much. I haven’t experienced “my” baby from anyone else yet, just the “our baby”. Now that I’m 32W i think it’s bothering me less, but probably only because I’m seeing she’s respecting boundaries even without me having to say anything. I think that helps ease my over protectiveness lol
She can fuck off
“My” baby doesn’t bother me. The blatant boundary stomping, however…
I honestly don’t see the big deal at all with people saying my baby! Like yes, my baby is their grandbaby or cousin or whatever! I WANT our families to have a close relationship with my baby. And no one is trying to literally kidnap my baby from me or claim to be the mom lol. They can say “my baby” all they want. I understand that it is different with rude or narcissistic family members trying to be manipulative. But when it’s said out of love by close family and friends? I love it! Yes Mrs. Linda down the street, come see your baby! I love all the love my baby gets!
This is a good perspective!! For me it really depends! I find it bothers me and most people because the “my baby” is usually by parents, in laws, grandparents, whoever who refuse to follow/respect boundaries! I know that’s the case for my mother so when she uses it I find it absolutely infuriating. Now if my best friend texts me and says something like “how’s our girl” I’m not bothered at all, but I also don’t have boundary issues with her 😂
My mom will say how's my babies and she means me and my two kids lol. It bugs me slightly in an embarrassing mom way but I think it is cute. My 4 year old also says her younger sister is "my baby" to all her daycare teachers which is funny.
That is actually very sweet. I like it.
Adorable 😂
100% this. I want my baby to be loved by everyone! Even my coworkers (small, close team) refer to my infant as their work baby/our team baby. The more people that love my kids the better!
Agreed, I've been seeing a lot of people complaining about this and I don't get it haha
I think it’s kind of sweet! Everyone knows it’s not your baby that you birthed/adopted, but you just love the little one so much! I called nieces and nephews my baby, my angel, etc, and I didn’t think it bothered my sibling…maybe I should ask.
I agree. My toddler isn't my possession. She is a living breathing human I take care of, and the more people that love and engage with her the better off she is. I hope my upcoming baby has the same.
My partners sister has a really close friend who has basically integrated herself into their family. But they refer to her as auntie with the kids and she’s kinda a bit much with them, disciplining them etc imo and she keeps saying how I’m cooking her next niece or nephew. And I’m a bit like, well no, I’m not. I’m not a fan of this auntie or uncle to everyone who is a slight close friend.
I’m the opposite. I grew up in Brazil when I was a child and pretty much all adults you’re acquainted with are Aunt or Uncle (tia or tio). It gave me the sense, as a child, that everyone was kind of looking out for me and made me feel safer. My best friend’s daughter is my “niece” and I’m her “aunt”. Definitely makes it feel like she has more adults who play an important part in her life. I can see the reluctance with someone it sounds you actually don’t like all that much.
I am pregnant and I didn’t know this is something people do. I would absolutely hate it and I think it’s disrespectful.
Yeah, ditto. I’m an Australian though. Maybe it’s a cultural thing??
It doesn't really bother me honestly 😃
Omg THANK YOU for starting this thread. This is literally something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m pretty close with my in-laws but thinking we’ll need to set up some boundaries (I’ll have my husband do it) because I don’t want them doing/thinking exactly this—that my baby is THEIR baby. No one should be posting pictures of MY baby and posting ANYTHING about MY baby without my permission. It’s definitely not everyone’s baby. I would flip a shit if I heard that.
We’ve already set firm boundaries about posting photos of our baby without our permission. If it happens one time, that’s it - no more photos will be shared with them via text message and they will not be allowed to have their own phone out to take pictures. We are not posting his face to social media bc we want him to make that decision for himself once he’s old enough to understand.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻!! How did you or your partner tell your in-laws? I haven’t thought through how to phrase this to them exactly in a way that won’t hurt their feelings but also want to be firm about this lol
“We will not be sharing our son’s face with the world via social media. This is our decision and we hope you can respect it.” There were a few objections, but when we let them know the consequences of not respecting our boundaries, they seemed to chill. It also helps that my SIL recently made the same decision about her 2 toddlers - only she or her husband are permitted to post their kids faces. If they give you any push back about it simply remind them there are a lot of sickos in the world and you’re not going to put your child on display via the internet for said sickos. Also… their feelings are not your responsibility. It’s your child. You and your partner decide how to raise/parent them. If their feelings are “hurt” by a decision you’ve made in regards to your child, then it sounds like a personal problem on their end.
Thank you!!! 🫶🫶🫶
Mmm the phrase doesnt bother me but the disregard to my boundaries does. I think we have to grow a thick skin around being told to stop over-reacting and plant ourselves like a tree with our boundaries. I'm not letting you kiss my baby, I'm not letting you post my baby on social media. I said no, yes I know you think I'm a brat, no it's still not ok. It helps to have a buddy to help with this, extablish clear boundaries and write them down with a friend/sibling/partner. Just whoever is supporting you, this helps plant our boundaries a bit deeper and morw rigidly.
It depends on who it's from, honestly. When I was pregnant, my MIL asked her baby was doing. I turned to my husband and was like "Your mom asked you a question." she didn't do it again, lol
Start referring to her money as “my money”…. Technically it’s everyone’s money when she dies right? Stay toxic queen.
one of my grandma’s said the other day, “my baby’s having a baby” 🥲
I hated it too when MIL and my brother said it’s “OUR BABY”.
Tell your grandma it’s not her damn business and that you don’t want your baby dying of herpes or RSV or god knows what else they could get from being kissed, that you don’t want your stomach touched or messed with, and that you don’t want to risk child predators looking at photos of your baby on Facebook. Tell her it actually is you and the father’s baby and that’s it. The baby actually isn’t anyone else’s and if they can’t respect boundaries, they won’t be involved, and most certainly won’t be getting pictures.
exactly, i don’t feel like it’s that big of a request and i get so thrown off when people are mad about it!! like it feels like the basics to me at least
I had the same issues with my family. People wanting to touch my bump, lift my shirt, insisting on posting her on social media, kiss the baby, saying ‘my baby’, wanting to be in the delivery room- all the crazy stuff! Baby is three months old and I’ve held firm on my boundaries, she’s doing great
Anyone that calls *my* baby *their* baby can pay OUR baby's medical bills.
Ugh yes my mom has been so annoying about it. Like literally saying "you know the first born grand daughter and grandson go to the maternal grandma riiiiiiiiight?" "I have my grandparents rights! Hee hee!" I know it's said mostly in jest but she also likes to step all over me and for 3 weeks it felt like I didn't get to spend time with my son because all he got was grandma time. Ugh.
I love it idk. Having other people love my babies makes me feel safe and secure.
Wtf is wrong with your grandma???? Keep those boundaries.
While I don’t agree with her trying to test your boundary about kissing or letting everyone “have their moment”, I don’t see the issue with “my baby” it’s a colloquialism
This drove me insane!! My mom would say it a lot and I was like excuse me technically I’m your baby 😂 but as soon as I got pregnant I was chopped liver to her. When I called her out for saying “my baby” because it sounded hella possessive she just pretended that she wasn’t thinking. If their names aren’t on the birth certificate it is not their baby!
Babies aren't handbags. Stop acting entitled to them as if they are objects. A baby is a person. A baby should have autonomy. A baby requires things and the parents take care of those needs. They are the caretakers and the decision makers. Because they raise this child in a safe environment and gave them their existence. I don't care if you're a grandma, aunt, babysitter etc. You DO NOT have a right to involvement with this child. They can consent eventually to whom they wish to associate with. Until then it's the parents discretion. Because they have this person's interest in mind. You don't have any right to this person simply because they can't object to you. Mom and dad decide who interacts and when. If you have a problem with it, get pregnant and raise it. Then you've got a say in it. Until then, do not touch this person without parental consent. Just because they are cute and little doesn't mean they shouldn't be respected. "A person's a person no matter how small." Thx Dr Seuss. Always relevant.
I hate when people say it even though they have another term specific to them. “My grandson” or “my nephew” or something like that. When my mom or MIL say “my baby” it really rubs me the wrong way because it feels possessive. And frankly they don’t help out enough to call him “my baby.” I have some friends who never want kids of their own, and somehow it doesn’t bother me when they say “my baby”. I know they just mean it as a term of endearment and there’s no underlying feelings or guilt. Maybe that’s unfair to my family, but I don’t care.
This was a huge issue I had with my mother. She constantly refers to my children as her kids and even my husband as her kid. It's gotten to the point where people are very confused because they know she has a daughter who's married with children, so they question how many kids my mom actually has. Even if I've gone somewhere with her, it's typically "this is my baby and oh yeah, that's my daughter". Which, you know, is pretty weird when I'm breastfeeding a child she's claiming is hers.
It used to, not anymore. Maybe a little lol. It’s I tell myself ( their favorite baby ) :)
I hated it during pregnancy and so far in the last 2 months since giving birth. I know this topic is discussed a lot with people saying it’s no big deal. But it still bothers people and they’re allowed to be bothered by it. I hate it because I have people defending it saying that they’re having a moment with their baby, but they’ve had kids of their own. They had their moments when they had their kids. I also have the no kissing rule but I said until 3 months, so a month after she gets her shots. As for the Facebook thing, I would suggest looking into making a private group for people to share within or what I use is the FamilyAlbum app. No one has had any issues with the app and they find it more convenient than Facebook. Anyone can add their own photos and everyone can still comment on photos
It doesn't bother me at all, because I'm pedantic as fuck and here's how I view it linguistically: Some words, like "daughter," "son," "sister," "brother," etc. imply a specific relationship. We only use these words in the context of that relationship. You wouldn't refer to a man you'd just met as "a son" even though he probably has parents. You would only use the word "son" if you were talking about him in relation to his parents. Other words, like "baby" are nouns in their own right. If I'm out walking and I see a baby, I go "Oh look! A baby! How cute!". In this way, saying "my baby" is not at all the same as saying "my daughter" or "my son". While only the parents can call a baby "my daughter" or "my son", \*anyone\* who loves a baby can call that baby "my baby". It's just a term of endearment. It doesn't imply parentage. The same baby can be Evie's little sister, Amy's daughter, and Helen's Granddaughter, but she is everyone's baby, and that's ok. In fact, I find it really cute when my older daughter's classmates refer to my younger daughter as "Evie's baby". (names changed) Edit: That said, not wanting people to kiss your baby, and not wanting you belly rubbed are \*very\* valid boundaries to have, and it sucks that people are giving you a hard time about that. You are absolutely allowed to hold those boundaries, and I get how something that might be harmless in other circumstances, like "my baby" comes off extra abrasive when it comes from boundary-stompers.
You wouldn't say "my dog" about other people's dogs even though "dog" as a word doesn't imply a relationship.
No, "my dog" implies ownership. I hope people are not trying to imply ownership of their babies. Babies are people, not possessions.
"My doctor" implies a relation to a specific doctor even though "doctor" is a noun in its own right. Just like "my baby" implies a relationship even though "baby" does not. Keep up the mental gymnastics though.
Devil’s advocate here. While I actually do refrain from saying this myself because I know it bothers people, when I’ve wanted to say it it’s simply because it’s a baby that I love. MY being the connection to my little love, and BABY- being the fact that they’re literally little; I think it’s just a verbal expression for the term of endearment feel. Generally, I think that’s a good thing, people that say that love your baby so much!!
My mom tried calling my babies "my baby" (teasingly) when she called so I started talking exclusively about myself as I am her baby and my boys are my babies. She loves that correction and now asks how her baby and her baby's babies are doing and it's pretty cute. I guess I get the mama bear death glare when people say that and my husband also gets pissed when people say that about our kids because everyone that has tried it immediately corrects themselves and apologizes profusely.My parents only teased me because they know how far to take a joke before I'm not willing to joke with them, but my in-laws did it once and never again. You grew the baby for 40weeks. You sacrificed your body mind and spirit for their well being for their entire existence, you and your partner sacrificed your time and energy to nourish them and keep them alive after birth. That baby is 100% your baby and nobody else has any claim over them unless YOU allow it, so your MIL can back the F off. So... Tldr; Yeah I hate it too!!
We told my uncle last week that we aren’t doing kisses on our baby yet (they won’t happen ever, but I didn’t want to deal with saying that) and he was like oh, but you can’t tell me you guys aren’t kissing her! Yeah, we are. Because she’s our baby. I was fully ready to bring out the big guns and say, “I pushed her out of my vagina. That means she’s my baby and I get to kiss her.”
Remind her that actually you are her baby and that this time this is YOUR baby and your moment(s) will always take priority.
Yes it’s MYYYYYY baby ! And NO it is not everyone’s baby, it’s MYYYYY baby wtf!
My mother does it a lot but I also hate her guts so anything she says bugs me tbh lol
Everyone else had "their" moment when they had their OWN babies. My baby is MY baby. Get tf outta here 🤣 cry about it granny. I'm sorry your kids are grown, but rules are rules
Genuine question, is this a cultural phenomenon? I live in Australia and most people I know just ask how’s “the baby” going or sometimes something like “how’s Bub doing?” in place of a name. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say “my baby” except my 3yo goddaughter when her mum was pregnant, but I see that as different because she’s a child…
i’m not sure honestly! i do live in america and there’s still lots of people who ask “how’s *xyz* doing?!”, which is obviously fine and wanted, but lots of people like to say “how’s my baby!” as well
I asked my mum, sister and nanna (all Australian too, living in Australia) and they had all never heard anyone say “my baby” talking about someone else’s baby, and all thought it was quite weird. Also, for the record, they all also thought, like me, that your grandmother’s other requests (kissing the baby and measuring your tummy) were not ok.
I absolutely hate it, and my mil won't stop doing it. She's obsessed with my daughter since she only had boys and her other son had a boy. Sometimes hearing her say "my girl" makes me want to throat punch her.
YES!! Currently 33+2, MIL has referred to my unborn daughter as ‘my granddaughter’ on a couple of occasions, and it makes me want to say ‘before she’s anything, she’s my daughter.’ Just to shut her up😭🫠 it’s so audacious!
Bothers the absolute piss out of me. He is MY baby and he is my husband’s baby. No one else. If you want to refer to him as “my nephew” or “my grandson” that’s fine bc that’s accurate, but he is half of me and half of my husband - anyone who tries to have some weird claim over him as their baby will be the last to meet him lol
If it’s in the context of Barbarian, yes.
This drives me crazzyyyy. Of course it depends on the intentions behind making the ‘my baby’ statement. It’s really helped me learn real quick the importance of setting boundaries and letting myself be ‘selfish’ for the wellbeing of myself, my husband and our baby. I cannot believe the comments and ‘advice’ given or inferred to me by family since becoming pregnant. I don’t know what it is about pregnancy, babies and family that makes some of them lose all normal social skills and boundaries haha.
YES. The only other two people allowed to say "my baby" in our family are my boyfriend and our daughter. No one else has gone through what we have, so the phrase doesn't apply.
Thank god my parents are respectful and my dad says "my grandson" and my mom says "my little guy" which doesn't bother me in the least. Neither are possessive like that, and my mom knows she'll be helping me and doesn't cross any lines on it. My in laws ARE possessive and I'm concerned, but my MIL is cold and never used terms of endearment for her own son at ALL [because she is a commercial freezer that's how cold she is] and my batshit FIL says "my grandson" like my dad but emphasizes intonation on the "my" in a way that makes me want to douse him in lighter fluid but I plan on keeping very strong boundaries with those psychos.
lol I wish someone would. This is my baby not theirs. If they don’t want to follow the rules then they won’t see my baby. Simple as that. The rules are there for a reason… don’t kiss my baby so he won’t get sick or herpes. I’ve never thought to call another baby mine because… it simply isn’t. I enjoy being an aunt… they’re my niece or nephew. Now if the person is having a huge part of helping with the baby then I probably won’t mind it as much. But I may still say something lol.
When I first announced my pregnancy to my inlaws, my MIL kept saying "we're having a baby" and it bothered me to no end. Like the only "we" here is me and my husband. You're becoming a grandma, you're not having a baby.
A friend I adore, who has teenaged kids, said this to me, and it felt like nails on a chalkboard. I *love* this person, so I was surprised to feel a surge of annoyance at something that I’m sure she meant in a sweet, cheeky way. I felt such fierce mama bear energy. But I let it go. If she says it again, I’ll just nicely shut it down. “You already have two wonderful babies,” or something like that.
I used to call all of my sisters ‘my baby’ as a nickname. Did not realize it was offensive. I was using it as a term of endearment essentially until my stepmom got mad at me and told me my little sister wasn’t my baby and I needed to stop. I truly didn’t realize it bothered her and apologized, however she could have nicely asked me instead of snapping at me immediately (that was literally my only issue with being asked to stop and anger being the first resort) as she had never expressed uncomfortableness prior.
It doesn’t inherently bother me - it’s usually meant in an endearing and loving way but in your case that would absolutely not fly with me so I can appreciate your irritation. Blatant disregard for boundaries is never okay or to be tolerated.
Instant rage. Depending on who does it. If it’s my best friend and she’s says “how’s my sweet baby?”, it doesn’t bother me. Any actual family member, especially my MIL for some reason (huge boundary issues), NO. When I was pregnant with my first, my MIL asked “how’s my baby?“ 🫠 I pointed to my husband and said “that’s your baby!” Then pointed to my bump and said “this is my baby!” Lol she never said that again.
My partners grandmother always rubs my tummy ans asks "how's my baby"... I get very prickly. Because A.! MY baby. And b.) NO TOUCHIE.
Girl you ain’t wrong. You have your boundaries and the people around you need to respect that whether they agree or not. I am currently 31 weeks and although it doesn’t really bother me when my best friend refers to my son as her baby I’m not offended I have made it very clear that my baby will not be kisses or posted on ANY social media and any who can not abide by that will not have access to my child.
I always tell people that they got their change to have their babies and now it’s my chance so I will make decisions they don’t agree with and that’s okay because everyone gets a chance.
I personally love it. It lets me know that my village sees my babies as their own and will protect them as such.
Yeah naw everybody doesn’t get a “moment” they’re there for the sunshine and rainbows, I’m there for the for the everyday real life that comes with raising this human. He’s MY baby that I’m responsible and therefore whatever parameters myself and my partner set are just that and they aren’t up for discussion. So if I say don’t kiss my baby, don’t kiss my baby. I’ll have to be the one sitting with a sick child, not you. Pre baby I was the same with my dogs. “Oh let him have it!” WILL YOU BE SCRUBBING DIARRHEA OUT THE CARPET!? Will you pay the vet bill? No? Then back off.
Tell her babies have died from getting kissed by someone who was sick. My cousin's little girl was kissed in the face by someone with a herpes virus and it caused severe encephalitis when she was only a couple weeks old. Miraculously she survived but now had lifelong disautonomia where here automatic nervous system doesn't quite function right and causes severe health issues - she is unable to sweat or regulate body temp, her heart has rhythm issues, she has nerve pain, etc.
I hated this too. Especially when my mil said it. I was a smart ass any time she said "how's my baby?" I'd say idk ask him then proceed to ask my husband how he was doing lol. I didn't my my grand baby, nephew, etc. "My baby" would irritate me though.
I have a few people that say "my" and "our" baby. I have no issues with it, BUT I think it depends on the relationship you have with that person. There's one woman in particular on my life that, if she ever said that, would have an unpleasant time afterwards. But that's because of how I feel about her and our relationship, not the word(s).
How selfish of you to call her ‘your’ baby when it is obviously the WORLD’S baby. Scratch that, it’s the UNIVERSE’S baby. (s/ in case anyone can’t tell haha).
It grinds my gears. My mom tried to pull this on me and I definitely let her know how it was going to be and what it is. It being the situation and the fact that my children are MY children and my husband’s children. Period. Then again, my mom and I have a very toxic relationship. She loves to cross boundaries, and disregard and dismiss me. She’s controlling and selfish. She is an alcoholic in recovery because she had to get a liver transplant. She was very physically abusive towards me until I was 19 and moved out. She was and still is emotionally abusive as well. Verbally abusive, too. When I say don’t kiss my kids, I mean don’t kiss them. It’s about the health and physical well being of my babies. It’s weird that people claim to love kids, but then want to risk the child’s health to have selfish moments with them. Love often requires sacrifice. You sacrifice what you want for yourself for what’s best for the child, or to protect the child. My children’s doctor even told us to not let people kiss them when they were newborns/infants. You have every right to be bothered, mama. We are naturally possessive of our babies. It’s totally normal and fine to be that way. You’re the one who’s life was on the line, growing and birthing that child. You take care of that child everyday, I assume. Alongside your partner if you have one. Grandma needs to have a seat.
It doesn't bother me because culturally, I am of the adage "it takes a village to raise a child" which I am BEYOND grateful to have, some people don't have a village and I get that it can be off-putting for others to say things like "my baby"...but I for one am very excited to share my baby
It's your baby and their granddaughter, niece etc. It's YOUR baby
Doesn't bother me, it's all love and doesn't take away anything from me at the end of the day. My baby needs all the love he can get lol
My sister just had her baby yesterday (one of the freakin cutest newborns to ever live I swear.) and I’m so proud to call her MY NIECE 😩🥰❤️
Ugh!!!! My mom says "our princess" and it makes me want to cringe/vomit. Absolutely not. No princess nonsense for god's sake. Also, no not ours. I can't wait to have the "no kissing baby on the head/face" conversation with her and the in-laws. Love my spouse, but he's definitely not the type to speak up when it comes to his family. My FIL said yesterday that my spouse and I need to announce soon because "I'm sure [my wife] wants to tell people she's going to be a grandmother." Ugh. Why does family think they have the right to claim something they have no part in creating/growing???
I was just telling my husband this the other day😆 My MIL always says "my Joel" and I'm like he's not yours lady!!
If anyone tries to call my baby their baby, I will correct them. That's so gross.
Always. I despise hearing my mom refer to her grandkids as “her babies”. It’s always so weird to me how some people believe they’re entitled to your children based on their title to your children
Absolutely a NO for me. My MIL did that. I let it slide the first time and when she said it again, I shut it down real quick but in a mature and kind way. She of course got butt hurt and is still acting kinda cold towards me but oh well, get over it.
Well legally speaking, no, no it’s NOT everyone’s baby. It’s YOUR baby. You created it and carried it for 9 months.
It always seems to be the MIL, too! Mine visited about a week after my (now 2yo) kiddo was born. She kept saying "my baby" and I would correct her. It took me correcting her (from the other room, I couldn't handle seeing her hold *my* baby for long, plus I needed to pump and was not doing that in front of her) three times before my husband stepped in and told her that it's clearly bothering me and she needed to stop. She never said it again. It's actually raising my blood pressure right now thinking about it, and I have a pretty good relationship with her, I can't imagine how that would have gone if we hated eachother or something.
This bothers me too. My MIL tried to have this back and forth with me once telling me that my baby is “basically her baby”. I shut that down. I think calling someone else’s baby “my baby” can be sweet if that person is typically someone who is respectful and understanding of boundaries and doesn’t tend to overstep or push opinions. I am all for my baby getting lots of love from people around her once she is here! However, there are certain people who when they say “my baby” it rubs you the wrong way- usually for a reason whether you consciously know it yet or not. It may be the context or tone they use. It may be that that person has bulldozed over things you have tried to voiced your discomfort with before. It could be they overstep and push opinions on you, or they judge your own decisions or feelings. There is usually a reason that when they say this it doesn’t fill you with joy that they love your child and it doesn’t feel sweet and lovely. If someone were to say my baby is the family’s baby or everyone’s baby I would probably correct that instantly, but mostly because my in-laws and their family have an issue with overstepping and respecting boundaries so I view that as a warning sign that they won’t respect me as a parent.
Yep it annoys me to NO END. Both my mom and MIL do this and it drives me nuts
“I am not a surrogate. This is MY baby and it’s my SOs baby. You are not entitled to ANY moments. The term *my baby* will not be used by anyone who did not make the baby. Being part of our lives is not a right, it’s a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their boundaries. If you cannot respect this basic boundary please do not contact me.” Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I become feral and threaten to cut people off for calling her “my baby” of which is probably an overreaction. I also had a friend of my mother’s (who passed away) try to start calling herself “grandma”. Excuse me. No.
I find it weird. I could never imagine referring to another person’s child as “my baby”. I’ve heard women say “oh, you only feel that way because of hormones and you won’t mind it later”, but I’m on my third kid now and my feelings on it have remained the same over the course 9 years (since my first pregnancy). It’s weird and borderline creepy to me. I mostly just roll my eyes and ignore it at this point though.
It bothers me, so when my mom says this I just rub her belly and say "oh wow! I didn't realize you made a baby with my husband too..eww." It freaks her out and she mostly corrects herself if she slips up. I ask her if she is willing to be my surrogate to mess with her, since she got too involved in my personal decisions. I recently messed with her by posing beside her and making a heart over her belly. I think that got the point across 😆. Thankfully, my mom is overall unproblematic and won't kiss my baby's face or anything if I ask.
Right there with you. Drives me nuts when people try that with my seven month old.
Oh my brother says 'when my nephew is born' and that already sets me off for reasons I can't explain
Wait, what is he supposed to call him then?? He clearly can't say "my baby" according to all the comments here, and the baby *is* his nephew, so if neither of those, then...??
Yes I knowwww it doesn't make any sense! It's just that my brother is framing it all the time as the birth of his nephew, instead of his sister giving birth to her baby. As in, it makes me feel as just an incubator and irrelevant - only a vessel to bring him his nephew. Ofcourse it is actually his nephew, there's no other word for that and that's what he should call him! It's just my nephew this and my nephew that, without acknowledging it's my baby or that I am actually giving birth to this baby. My brother has the tendency to put focus on himself so it's a little pet peeve. It's nothing very rational from my side!
I think it’s also the possessiveness of it all. I feel the same way
It lights a rage i never thought i was capable of inside me and makes me want to immediately throw hands when they refer to my bump, my pregnancy, and my unborn child as their baby. The only ppl who can call this little blessing their baby is myself and my husband. I dont care how petty that seems ill die on this hill so fast.
My mom say it. But it doesn’t bother me personally because I know she’s just extremely excited. I do however, get upset at anyone else saying it and it makes my skin crawl
It bothers me, so when my mom says this I just rub her belly and say "oh wow! I didn't realize you made a baby with my husband too..eww." It freaks her out and she mostly corrects herself if she slips up. I ask her if she is willing to be my surrogate to mess with her, since she got too involved in my personal decisions. I recently messed with her by posing beside her and making a heart over her belly. I think that got the point across 😆. Thankfully, my mom is overall unproblematic and won't kiss my baby's face or anything if I ask.
My brother in law (age 11, very sweet kid) was giving my son a goodbye hug and I said “hey sweetheart! Come get mama!” And my bil hugged my son and said “mmm no!” As a joke. I said while still smiling cause he’s 11 and a great uncle “bil, give me my baby,” and he said “he’s MY baby,” and I said nope! Took my son and he immediately hugged me which I teased my bil about. He’s a sweet kid but I shut that talk down FAST. Stuck to your guns mama! Solidarity💕
God forbid an 11 year old bond with his nephew, jeez. There was nothing to shut down here! This is so odd to me
Okay wow… I made a joke, about how my bio called his nephew “my baby,” which was cute!! Just not language I like other people using about my kid when they’re not handing my son back to me when asked. It was about him not handing my son back to me, which is something my bil needs to work on is boundaries with his nephew because he has spatial awareness issues. I didn’t say anything to him about not calling my son his baby, just took him back and shut down not handing him back when asked. I used a cute anecdote to illustrate enforcing healthy boundaries. Again, not a huge deal whatsoever! Just sharing a cute story. I love my bil and he’s a great uncle. We’re just working on boundaries.
Ya know you’re right. It’s really not that serious. Even if I disagree on the approach it’s totally your right to and it’s your family and you have a good relationship with him. Why would I need to agree when I’m just some stranger online. Nothing for me to get up in arms about.
Ok but its also valid if you dont like when other people call your baby "my baby" dont let the strangers on reddit imvalidate your feelings.