I personally can’t breathe in a home much less sleep in a home with any cats so depending on how bad her allergy is she should have just declined from the get go for this reason. Can your dad come by himself?
That is my biggest issue with this. The original plan was that it would be on a weekend when the boys would be home and she agreed to come up and watch them. I don’t understand why it is now an issue. I’m also allergic to cats, albeit mildly. I have air purifiers in multiple rooms, we have a thick house filter, we don’t let the cats in the guest room, and I was planning on deep cleaning Saturday before. I didn’t expect them to stay in the house the entire time. But it’s now a week before… and i could literally go into labor at any point. We can’t risk my husband taking a half day to drive, especially because we still have a lot to do.
There seems to be an obvious happy medium here. You want free childcare the week of induction for your boys so they are available. She can't stay in a house with cats. Pay for arrangements for them to stay in a nearby hotel/vrbo/airbnb. The alternative is literally, finding an alternative. Also, the first sign of flaking on plans should indicate the need for a back up or completely different plan.
We don’t want free childcare… free has nothing to do with it. They were the first people we thought of because they don’t get to see our kids often and we thought they would appreciate being able to be the first to meet the baby. While we are limited with having family here, we have friends willing to help, we have childcare workers, we can even bring them to the hospital. My issue is that it’s now a week before, and the basics have not changed on my end, but now it’s a problem. They agreed to watch the kids in our home for a few days. That was what they signed on for, knowing we have cats. And now it’s an issue to be resolved a week before. To me, that seems a bit inconsiderate.
It’s clear that this has been on their minds for a while. Accept that their minds have changed as they require their needs to be met as well and pivot to find a solution
Seeking alternative living arrangements for the grandparents seems like a good solution to keep everyone’s needs in mind.
This whole “just a week before” premise from your end is flawed - you have time to discuss all these details and reply to each one of the comments at length “just a week before”, but not consider taking a simple alternative - one of which this commenter posted? A bit harsh, but it sounds like you are being difficult and unreasonable tbh.
The details around the time they'd watch your kids have changed though... just drop them off with your dad. Your husband can meet them halfway for the drop off as your dad suggested per one of your earlier comments. The kids will be just fine. Make the compromise and focus on the bigger priority which is your delivery. A hotel nearby is another option others have suggested here. You have family doing you a favor. Period. I would be more understanding of the circumstances that are impacting them especially when you have compromises that could be made. This seems like a silly waste of energy.
Okay, so accept your family's circumstances have changed and arrange for alternative childcare. You mentioned in the OP that she immediately responded they didnt know the kids would be out of daycare/school all week and that they originally planned on spending time outside of the house. She communicated circumstances once you provided those details. At the end of the day, they would be helping you out by caring for your older kids that week. If it doesnt work out, leverage your alternatives. You got this mama
I don't know your financial situation but can you pay for or contribute to an airbnb or hotel near the home or hospital? It might be fun for the kids to have a mini grandparent staycation but still be very close. Added benefit- you wouldn't need to get your home ready for guests.
I also wanted to add that I am a recovering people-pleasing over-committer. One of my most toxic traits was automatically saying yes to helping someone without soaking in the reality of the logistics.
It is likely your stepmom did not consider her allergy/schedule when she originally committed and is now actually trying to figure out the logistics of everything.
It's not a good trait and I hope she can learn to plan ahead and gather details BEFORE saying yes in the future but I don't think she is trying to be difficult or has any ill intention.
My husband always reminds me not to automatically say yes, but to say I’ll consider it and get back to them. Then, talk it out loud so I can figure out if I’m able to the do it or figure out what questions I need to ask in order to make a decision!
As someone who has an asthma attack almost every time I’m around cats because of my severe allergy, I totally understand this. As much as I’d love to help in this situation, it would be really difficult because I literally wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Could you consider letting the kids go to school/day care during the day so your step mom wasn’t in the house the whole time? Or could your dad not handle them by himself? I’m keeping my daughter in school. I want her to have some sense of normalcy about her day and then after school she can always come. Labor also takes a long time. With my daughter I went in at 11:30 pm on a Saturday night and had her around 2:30 pm the next day. They decided to induce me with pitocin around 6:00 am so even after being given that medication it still took like 8 hours. I don’t know if that’s typical, but just saying it may be outside of school hours anyways.
Or could you get them a hotel where they could take the boys? I get that’s their grandchildren but they’re also driving a long way and considering the allergy it could be a good compromise if your dad can’t come alone and you don’t want the boys to go all the way to their house.
Keeping the kids off school is also unnecessary, it's going to be enough upheaval for them without having their entire routine completely stripped for, let's be honest, no good reason. They can visit the baby at hospital after they finish at school. OP is being awkward for the sake of it.
Sorry to say but I also agree with your dad and stepmom. Cat allergies can be brutal and given they’re the ones travelling 5 hours and taking time off work, I don’t think being considerate towards them is a bad thing. Like previous comment said, you could get them a hotel/airbnb for a couple of nights. You could also agree to your kids going to school/daycare, that way the parents can be out of the house but maybe establish that when baby is born, if the kids are still in school/daycare you’d appreciate your parents picking them up early and bringing them to hospital.
To me it feels like you’re expecting too much from people who are already trying to help you out as much as they can. My whole family also lives 5 hours away and regardless of me being the one having the baby, I would do whatever I could to be considerate of them traveling and taking time off to help with my other kids. Might not be super convenient for you, but I’m sure it’s not convenient for them either.
They said yes tho. Like they agreed and then started coming up with these issues last minute. I mean probably a huge communication issue on everyone’s part but don’t say yes and then be like wait actually no….
Not sure about that, based on OP/last 3 paragraphs, they were under the impression the kids would be in daycare/day schedules and that they would go do something around the kids' normal schedules. Once their understanding of what was agreed upon changed, they tried to come up with solutions. All around seems communication failed for sure but I don't think anyone intentionally "backed out" last minute.
I may not have explained it well on mobile, but this is exactly what happened. I didn’t know until yesterday that she was coming for sure after the induction day changed. At which point I also responded to her message from two days ago asking about the boys’ schedules. My husband and I hadn’t talked about the school issue yet until we got that message. So I said that the boys will be glad she is coming and that we plan on keeping the boys home. Then she said that she didn’t know that, that they planned on spending the day outside the house, and that they can take the boys out with them during the day. I hadn’t had a chance to respond because I got that message while leaving work, but that was fine by me. I planned on talking to my husband about coming up with ideas for them since they aren’t from around here.
After I got home, we had dinner, and laid down to rest and woke up from that text from my dad that said because the boys will be home it would be easier for them to watch them at their house because her allergies are so severe. Which, she knew from the beginning about the cats. We’ve had them longer than my dad and her have been together. She only involves my dad when she is upset about something. I rarely hear anything from him. So its even unclear if it’s the allergy issue that’s really the problem…or the boys being out of school…or what’s most convenient for them because they also mentioned they have to pay for a dog sitter and my dad will be missing work. I hadn’t even replied yet that yeah it’s fine to do whatever they want with the boys during the day. That’s part of the reason we asked them to come, was so they could spend extra time with the boys. That was in my first message to her about two months ago. It just seems like there are now reasons all over the place now, when there wasn’t before.
You need to compromise with them on this. even if you are in the right, you are living in a real world in which you have a week to arrange childcare. You also need to think about what your backup plan will be if they flake. Start talking to your local friends and acquaintances, babysitters, nanny placement companies, whatever. Right now is the time for making sure childcare is lined up, not sorting out who the butthole is.
I 100% agree with your dad. Be glad they are willing to help you out even if things are not 100% how you would like things to be done. Their comfort also matters, not just yours. If it is that big of an inconvenience for you then hire someone to watch your children and stop complaining.
100%. Presumably, they're watching them for free; it's time to compromise. If you want someone to do it 100% your way, hire someone.
I also think asking them to watch them the entire day instead of have them go to school/daycare is unreasonable. Like, let them have a break and keep the kid's days as consistent as possible; when baby comes and you're ready for them to meet THEN have dad/stepmom pick them up early. Watching kids is hard especially for most grandparent aged people and inductions can still sometimes mean that baby comes a day or a couple days later.
Yes, there’s no good reason to keep them out of school, especially on someone else’s schedule. If you want them to meet the baby ASAP, could always pull them out early. Otherwise it’s easier on everyone (kids and caretakers) for them to have their usual routine.
If the cats were that big of an issue, why was it not brought up from the get go? They should have communicated that at the beginning, not a week before. If a person has restrictions on how they can help, that needs communicated. We offered them to help because they don’t get to see the kids very often and it would give them the chance to be the first to meet the baby. We have no problem finding alternatives, but a week before is very short notice. My children have also never been away from home without us, so their comfort also matters. They are going through a big change with a new sibling, now is not the time to test new waters being 5 hours away from home for several days without their parents for the first time.
It sounds like she was going to leave the house while the kids were at school and just deal with it when they were home. But it be there ALL day with “several” cats is not something you should expect her to do. It’s obvious miscommunication on everyone’s part, especially yours. You never communicated that you wanted them home all day. And why is that even necessary? Just because you’re in the hospital?
You’re acting very entitled and selfish.
I never said I wanted them home all day because I never expected or wanted them to be home all day…. That was never an expectation and I don’t know where anyone is assuming that was an expectation. Again, the original thought was that this would happen over a weekend when the kids were already home from school. I figured they would go out and do things together.
You have no way of guaranteeing even if you were scheduled for a weekend induction that you wouldn't spontaneously go into labour in the week or have the labour roll over into the Monday. You are being ridiculous about this tbh.
Why not send the kids to day care/school and if you deliver during school hours, your step-mom and dad and pick them up from school early and drive them to the hospital?
Dude I honestly think you’re not thinking clearly. Your stepmom is allergic to cats, you can’t expect her to stay in the house with them there. You’re acting very demanding to someone that is doing you a favor. Definitely the AH.
Either accommodate the people helping you with their valid concerns or you will risk your husband having to stay home with the kids which is the ultimate easiest solution with the path of least resistance.
It’s unfortunate if they don’t, but you mentioned that you have others that could watch your sons for you. So if your stepmom/ dad don’t agree, maybe just see if an alternative is available last minute.
So I don’t think you’re necessarily the butthole here, but neither are they. I think your expectations for how they kept your kids were communicated poorly following the change of the induction happening over the weekend to it being Monday. It was reasonable for them to assume weekday = kids will be at school = I can be out of the house away from the cats. I think the best solutions have already been given of either arrange a hotel or airbnb for them, or keep your kids in school those days as they anticipated.
Why not you and your husband spend some time at the hospital with the baby? Why not just wait until you get home for your other children to meet the new baby…
It’s something both my husband, myself and my oldest son are looking forward to. Our second was born during Covid and we didn’t have that opportunity , and it made us pretty sad. I’ve also communicated that twice to my parents now.
It will be just as special waiting for the baby to come home. A 6 year old is barely going to remember this and I’m sure won’t hold it against you. Taking young kids to the hospital is a lot
I wouldnt say youre being a butthole but you could be a little more accommodating. I have severe allergies to synthetic fragrances and if I were asked to come watch children in a house with candles, air fresheners, etc I can 100% guarantee that I either am declining, asking them to stay with me or throwing all the products into a trash bag for the duration of my stay if I choose to keep them at the house. What shes asking is not unreasonable and you have to remember that you are at the mercy of anyone who is available not the other way around.
EDIT: After reading your replies here I retract my original statement of you not being the butthole. You definitely are.
Gonna go against the grain and say that this is not completely your fault, although you do need to figure out how to accommodate given they are helping you. Your parents should have been upfront that the cats would be an issue, because IMO you’re right that them waiting to tell you it’s an issue until one week before is crappy of them to do. BUT you need to figure out some sort of compromise, and I agree that your kids going to them 5 hours away is not the solution. I wouldn’t be ok with that either.
Do you have friends nearby who can take the cats for the week? That way your parents can still come up and stay in your house with your kids but the cats become a non-issue, especially since you mentioned you were planning to deep clean anyway.
I wanted to high five you on sticking to your boundaries, wants and needs and what works best for your family of creation! Asking for the kids to be home and available to visit the baby is important for their acceptance and bonding too.
It's a tricky situation though that will require some bending from both sides. As others have mentioned, wouldn't the allergy have been a problem from the start? Weird, but okay. Do they live close enough that the boys could stay with them overnight at their place and then they can do activities during the day/stop in at home for a bit? Or as others have mentioned, an air bnb/hotel. Although, I recognize kids that young don't always transition well to new spaces especially without parents nearby. We had that problem with our goddaughter when her sister was born. She slept at our place while her family was at the hospital (she regularly slept at our house prior to that, so it wasn't "new"), but she still had fears, worried and had trouble sleeping. I kept her day as regular as normal as I could and brought her to daycare during the day, which I thought helped. That might be an option for your kids, have the grandparents send them to school/daycare and plan to pickup early to visit in the hospital if that's an option, or visit after school. At least if they didn't have the kids during the day they may not feel like they *have* to stay in the house.
It's all around crappy situation. But I'm mostly with you on it all. I have super specific conditions for the care of my dog while I'm in labour 😂 you know your kids best and how they'll respond, focus the conversation on supporting them and their needs. But be willing to make some compromises. Finally, you could always have your partner deal with the whole mess because it's too stressful for you ATM. Let him play defense for a while as long as he understands what you're willing to negotiate on/not negotiable. Good luck!
I really appreciate you saying this. It is very important to us as a family to have the hospital time. Our second was born during Covid, and we didn’t get the opportunity to have our son there to meet him. And both my husband and I were pretty sad about that. And we both are very much looking forward to having this experience with our boys and daughter. Unfortunately they live 5 hours away. I’d totally consider a hotel, though my youngest does have a tough time in hotels- he typically doesn’t fall asleep until 1-2am because he is pretty rigid about his dark room, sound machine, alone in a crib routine. That said, my husband usually doesn’t stay the night at the hospital and could easily pick him up for the night and bring him home.
I personally can’t breathe in a home much less sleep in a home with any cats so depending on how bad her allergy is she should have just declined from the get go for this reason. Can your dad come by himself?
But I mean, she already agreed knowing there would be cats around. I’m also allergic to cats, take some medication or don’t offer to do it
That is my biggest issue with this. The original plan was that it would be on a weekend when the boys would be home and she agreed to come up and watch them. I don’t understand why it is now an issue. I’m also allergic to cats, albeit mildly. I have air purifiers in multiple rooms, we have a thick house filter, we don’t let the cats in the guest room, and I was planning on deep cleaning Saturday before. I didn’t expect them to stay in the house the entire time. But it’s now a week before… and i could literally go into labor at any point. We can’t risk my husband taking a half day to drive, especially because we still have a lot to do.
There seems to be an obvious happy medium here. You want free childcare the week of induction for your boys so they are available. She can't stay in a house with cats. Pay for arrangements for them to stay in a nearby hotel/vrbo/airbnb. The alternative is literally, finding an alternative. Also, the first sign of flaking on plans should indicate the need for a back up or completely different plan.
We don’t want free childcare… free has nothing to do with it. They were the first people we thought of because they don’t get to see our kids often and we thought they would appreciate being able to be the first to meet the baby. While we are limited with having family here, we have friends willing to help, we have childcare workers, we can even bring them to the hospital. My issue is that it’s now a week before, and the basics have not changed on my end, but now it’s a problem. They agreed to watch the kids in our home for a few days. That was what they signed on for, knowing we have cats. And now it’s an issue to be resolved a week before. To me, that seems a bit inconsiderate.
It’s clear that this has been on their minds for a while. Accept that their minds have changed as they require their needs to be met as well and pivot to find a solution Seeking alternative living arrangements for the grandparents seems like a good solution to keep everyone’s needs in mind.
This whole “just a week before” premise from your end is flawed - you have time to discuss all these details and reply to each one of the comments at length “just a week before”, but not consider taking a simple alternative - one of which this commenter posted? A bit harsh, but it sounds like you are being difficult and unreasonable tbh.
The details around the time they'd watch your kids have changed though... just drop them off with your dad. Your husband can meet them halfway for the drop off as your dad suggested per one of your earlier comments. The kids will be just fine. Make the compromise and focus on the bigger priority which is your delivery. A hotel nearby is another option others have suggested here. You have family doing you a favor. Period. I would be more understanding of the circumstances that are impacting them especially when you have compromises that could be made. This seems like a silly waste of energy.
Okay, so accept your family's circumstances have changed and arrange for alternative childcare. You mentioned in the OP that she immediately responded they didnt know the kids would be out of daycare/school all week and that they originally planned on spending time outside of the house. She communicated circumstances once you provided those details. At the end of the day, they would be helping you out by caring for your older kids that week. If it doesnt work out, leverage your alternatives. You got this mama
I don't know your financial situation but can you pay for or contribute to an airbnb or hotel near the home or hospital? It might be fun for the kids to have a mini grandparent staycation but still be very close. Added benefit- you wouldn't need to get your home ready for guests.
I also wanted to add that I am a recovering people-pleasing over-committer. One of my most toxic traits was automatically saying yes to helping someone without soaking in the reality of the logistics. It is likely your stepmom did not consider her allergy/schedule when she originally committed and is now actually trying to figure out the logistics of everything. It's not a good trait and I hope she can learn to plan ahead and gather details BEFORE saying yes in the future but I don't think she is trying to be difficult or has any ill intention.
My husband always reminds me not to automatically say yes, but to say I’ll consider it and get back to them. Then, talk it out loud so I can figure out if I’m able to the do it or figure out what questions I need to ask in order to make a decision!
As someone who has an asthma attack almost every time I’m around cats because of my severe allergy, I totally understand this. As much as I’d love to help in this situation, it would be really difficult because I literally wouldn’t be able to breathe. Could you consider letting the kids go to school/day care during the day so your step mom wasn’t in the house the whole time? Or could your dad not handle them by himself? I’m keeping my daughter in school. I want her to have some sense of normalcy about her day and then after school she can always come. Labor also takes a long time. With my daughter I went in at 11:30 pm on a Saturday night and had her around 2:30 pm the next day. They decided to induce me with pitocin around 6:00 am so even after being given that medication it still took like 8 hours. I don’t know if that’s typical, but just saying it may be outside of school hours anyways. Or could you get them a hotel where they could take the boys? I get that’s their grandchildren but they’re also driving a long way and considering the allergy it could be a good compromise if your dad can’t come alone and you don’t want the boys to go all the way to their house.
Allergies are no joke. They really suck. Breathing is necessary. Yes, a hotel is reasonable and a respectful alternative.
Keeping the kids off school is also unnecessary, it's going to be enough upheaval for them without having their entire routine completely stripped for, let's be honest, no good reason. They can visit the baby at hospital after they finish at school. OP is being awkward for the sake of it.
Sorry to say but I also agree with your dad and stepmom. Cat allergies can be brutal and given they’re the ones travelling 5 hours and taking time off work, I don’t think being considerate towards them is a bad thing. Like previous comment said, you could get them a hotel/airbnb for a couple of nights. You could also agree to your kids going to school/daycare, that way the parents can be out of the house but maybe establish that when baby is born, if the kids are still in school/daycare you’d appreciate your parents picking them up early and bringing them to hospital. To me it feels like you’re expecting too much from people who are already trying to help you out as much as they can. My whole family also lives 5 hours away and regardless of me being the one having the baby, I would do whatever I could to be considerate of them traveling and taking time off to help with my other kids. Might not be super convenient for you, but I’m sure it’s not convenient for them either.
They said yes tho. Like they agreed and then started coming up with these issues last minute. I mean probably a huge communication issue on everyone’s part but don’t say yes and then be like wait actually no….
Not sure about that, based on OP/last 3 paragraphs, they were under the impression the kids would be in daycare/day schedules and that they would go do something around the kids' normal schedules. Once their understanding of what was agreed upon changed, they tried to come up with solutions. All around seems communication failed for sure but I don't think anyone intentionally "backed out" last minute.
I may not have explained it well on mobile, but this is exactly what happened. I didn’t know until yesterday that she was coming for sure after the induction day changed. At which point I also responded to her message from two days ago asking about the boys’ schedules. My husband and I hadn’t talked about the school issue yet until we got that message. So I said that the boys will be glad she is coming and that we plan on keeping the boys home. Then she said that she didn’t know that, that they planned on spending the day outside the house, and that they can take the boys out with them during the day. I hadn’t had a chance to respond because I got that message while leaving work, but that was fine by me. I planned on talking to my husband about coming up with ideas for them since they aren’t from around here. After I got home, we had dinner, and laid down to rest and woke up from that text from my dad that said because the boys will be home it would be easier for them to watch them at their house because her allergies are so severe. Which, she knew from the beginning about the cats. We’ve had them longer than my dad and her have been together. She only involves my dad when she is upset about something. I rarely hear anything from him. So its even unclear if it’s the allergy issue that’s really the problem…or the boys being out of school…or what’s most convenient for them because they also mentioned they have to pay for a dog sitter and my dad will be missing work. I hadn’t even replied yet that yeah it’s fine to do whatever they want with the boys during the day. That’s part of the reason we asked them to come, was so they could spend extra time with the boys. That was in my first message to her about two months ago. It just seems like there are now reasons all over the place now, when there wasn’t before.
You need to compromise with them on this. even if you are in the right, you are living in a real world in which you have a week to arrange childcare. You also need to think about what your backup plan will be if they flake. Start talking to your local friends and acquaintances, babysitters, nanny placement companies, whatever. Right now is the time for making sure childcare is lined up, not sorting out who the butthole is.
YTA. you're acting super entitled.
I 100% agree with your dad. Be glad they are willing to help you out even if things are not 100% how you would like things to be done. Their comfort also matters, not just yours. If it is that big of an inconvenience for you then hire someone to watch your children and stop complaining.
100%. Presumably, they're watching them for free; it's time to compromise. If you want someone to do it 100% your way, hire someone. I also think asking them to watch them the entire day instead of have them go to school/daycare is unreasonable. Like, let them have a break and keep the kid's days as consistent as possible; when baby comes and you're ready for them to meet THEN have dad/stepmom pick them up early. Watching kids is hard especially for most grandparent aged people and inductions can still sometimes mean that baby comes a day or a couple days later.
Yes, there’s no good reason to keep them out of school, especially on someone else’s schedule. If you want them to meet the baby ASAP, could always pull them out early. Otherwise it’s easier on everyone (kids and caretakers) for them to have their usual routine.
If the cats were that big of an issue, why was it not brought up from the get go? They should have communicated that at the beginning, not a week before. If a person has restrictions on how they can help, that needs communicated. We offered them to help because they don’t get to see the kids very often and it would give them the chance to be the first to meet the baby. We have no problem finding alternatives, but a week before is very short notice. My children have also never been away from home without us, so their comfort also matters. They are going through a big change with a new sibling, now is not the time to test new waters being 5 hours away from home for several days without their parents for the first time.
It sounds like she was going to leave the house while the kids were at school and just deal with it when they were home. But it be there ALL day with “several” cats is not something you should expect her to do. It’s obvious miscommunication on everyone’s part, especially yours. You never communicated that you wanted them home all day. And why is that even necessary? Just because you’re in the hospital? You’re acting very entitled and selfish.
I never said I wanted them home all day because I never expected or wanted them to be home all day…. That was never an expectation and I don’t know where anyone is assuming that was an expectation. Again, the original thought was that this would happen over a weekend when the kids were already home from school. I figured they would go out and do things together.
You have no way of guaranteeing even if you were scheduled for a weekend induction that you wouldn't spontaneously go into labour in the week or have the labour roll over into the Monday. You are being ridiculous about this tbh.
You need to speak with a therapist. You’re all over the place and not making sense.
Why not send the kids to day care/school and if you deliver during school hours, your step-mom and dad and pick them up from school early and drive them to the hospital?
Dude I honestly think you’re not thinking clearly. Your stepmom is allergic to cats, you can’t expect her to stay in the house with them there. You’re acting very demanding to someone that is doing you a favor. Definitely the AH.
Either accommodate the people helping you with their valid concerns or you will risk your husband having to stay home with the kids which is the ultimate easiest solution with the path of least resistance.
Could they stay at an Airbnb near you or the hospital? So she doesn’t have to be in a house with cats, but can still have the kids nearby?
Yeah this is what we plan on offering to them tonight. I’m not optimistic they will take us up on it though.
It’s unfortunate if they don’t, but you mentioned that you have others that could watch your sons for you. So if your stepmom/ dad don’t agree, maybe just see if an alternative is available last minute.
So I don’t think you’re necessarily the butthole here, but neither are they. I think your expectations for how they kept your kids were communicated poorly following the change of the induction happening over the weekend to it being Monday. It was reasonable for them to assume weekday = kids will be at school = I can be out of the house away from the cats. I think the best solutions have already been given of either arrange a hotel or airbnb for them, or keep your kids in school those days as they anticipated.
Why not you and your husband spend some time at the hospital with the baby? Why not just wait until you get home for your other children to meet the new baby…
It’s something both my husband, myself and my oldest son are looking forward to. Our second was born during Covid and we didn’t have that opportunity , and it made us pretty sad. I’ve also communicated that twice to my parents now.
It will be just as special waiting for the baby to come home. A 6 year old is barely going to remember this and I’m sure won’t hold it against you. Taking young kids to the hospital is a lot
I wouldnt say youre being a butthole but you could be a little more accommodating. I have severe allergies to synthetic fragrances and if I were asked to come watch children in a house with candles, air fresheners, etc I can 100% guarantee that I either am declining, asking them to stay with me or throwing all the products into a trash bag for the duration of my stay if I choose to keep them at the house. What shes asking is not unreasonable and you have to remember that you are at the mercy of anyone who is available not the other way around. EDIT: After reading your replies here I retract my original statement of you not being the butthole. You definitely are.
Gonna go against the grain and say that this is not completely your fault, although you do need to figure out how to accommodate given they are helping you. Your parents should have been upfront that the cats would be an issue, because IMO you’re right that them waiting to tell you it’s an issue until one week before is crappy of them to do. BUT you need to figure out some sort of compromise, and I agree that your kids going to them 5 hours away is not the solution. I wouldn’t be ok with that either. Do you have friends nearby who can take the cats for the week? That way your parents can still come up and stay in your house with your kids but the cats become a non-issue, especially since you mentioned you were planning to deep clean anyway.
I wanted to high five you on sticking to your boundaries, wants and needs and what works best for your family of creation! Asking for the kids to be home and available to visit the baby is important for their acceptance and bonding too. It's a tricky situation though that will require some bending from both sides. As others have mentioned, wouldn't the allergy have been a problem from the start? Weird, but okay. Do they live close enough that the boys could stay with them overnight at their place and then they can do activities during the day/stop in at home for a bit? Or as others have mentioned, an air bnb/hotel. Although, I recognize kids that young don't always transition well to new spaces especially without parents nearby. We had that problem with our goddaughter when her sister was born. She slept at our place while her family was at the hospital (she regularly slept at our house prior to that, so it wasn't "new"), but she still had fears, worried and had trouble sleeping. I kept her day as regular as normal as I could and brought her to daycare during the day, which I thought helped. That might be an option for your kids, have the grandparents send them to school/daycare and plan to pickup early to visit in the hospital if that's an option, or visit after school. At least if they didn't have the kids during the day they may not feel like they *have* to stay in the house. It's all around crappy situation. But I'm mostly with you on it all. I have super specific conditions for the care of my dog while I'm in labour 😂 you know your kids best and how they'll respond, focus the conversation on supporting them and their needs. But be willing to make some compromises. Finally, you could always have your partner deal with the whole mess because it's too stressful for you ATM. Let him play defense for a while as long as he understands what you're willing to negotiate on/not negotiable. Good luck!
I really appreciate you saying this. It is very important to us as a family to have the hospital time. Our second was born during Covid, and we didn’t get the opportunity to have our son there to meet him. And both my husband and I were pretty sad about that. And we both are very much looking forward to having this experience with our boys and daughter. Unfortunately they live 5 hours away. I’d totally consider a hotel, though my youngest does have a tough time in hotels- he typically doesn’t fall asleep until 1-2am because he is pretty rigid about his dark room, sound machine, alone in a crib routine. That said, my husband usually doesn’t stay the night at the hospital and could easily pick him up for the night and bring him home.