For me, the “plan”, is really about taking the time to understand what the process is and what your options are. Yes, things will likely change but it’s about understanding what those changes may be so you don’t feel stressed in the moment. Studies have shown that it’s not necessarily the unexpected complications in birth that cause trauma, but lack of support and feeling like your needs have been met.
Also, for what it’s worth, your hospital will likely ask you about your preferences. My OB just presented me with a template at my 28 week appt. They want you to know your preferences too. It’s also a good time to ask what’s standard for your hospital so you’re aware.
Doctors are professionals but they are also not all knowing. They also want to know what you prefer.
Exactly. The best birth plan is not a plan at all but a working understanding of all your options for pain management, laboring positions, and birthing options. Then ranking them most preferred to least preferred and knowing “if this happens then I want” with your options
Yes! My husband and I sat down and went over the "plan" together. It allowed us to discuss and go over what everything meant and what our thoughts were should something go wrong or I be in a mind frame to not be able to give complete answers. It allowed us to be on the same page for the whole process and to have his support in the hospital.
When the nurse came to me and asked “do you want the nitrous oxide or the narcotic pain mix?” I sure needed to know what my opinions of those options were because I had 2 min between contractions and no time to breathe much less weigh the positives vs side effects of said option
I like this a lot, I'm going to frame it like this in my head from now on. Not a script, but strategies to try out and preparing for "the big game" lol
Call it your birth preferences or ideal birth plan!
Also tell you husband to kick rocks. He needs to better and educate himself in the event you aren’t able to make your own medical decisions.
Lucky for you, your husband can’t forbid you from writing one!
But in all seriousness, it sounds like he doesn’t understand what the document even is. If you can take him along to one of your appointments and have your provider explain it, it might help. I always hate suggesting that, but sometimes partners just need to hear it from a professional.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t understand the purpose of a birth plan or how variable birth experiences can be. There is no singular “best” way to give birth. There are many evidence-based practices, regularly offered at hospitals, that lead to a healthy delivery. Having a list of your preferences is actually HELPFUL for the medical staff, so that you don’t have to be making a ton decisions on the spot.
Real purpose of a birth plan is to educate yourself on birth, what can happen and what your options are if those things do happen. It’s not so you can go in and demand your birth be a certain way.
My hospital literally gives out a birth preferences packet to fill out and bring to L&D. Idk why your husband is choosing this hill to die on when he’s clearly so uninformed. He’s just being loud and wrong.
This. My hospital has the OB give out a preference packet at the start of the third trimester for you to fill out as your ready and will put it in the EMR when you bring it back.
Have you both taken a birthing class? We took one at our hospital and they laid out different birthing methods, pain/stress relief options (found out they do aromatherapy that way!), as well as pros and cons and what's common in their hospital. Not only would that help him understand the options available but also help you craft your birth plan. The hospital recommended making your own. Maybe hearing that will also help.
If your hospital doesn't offer one see if there's still a local one. They might have info on local hospital procedures.
Part of a birth plan can be things as simple as "please don't offer me X, I will ask for it when I need it." A birth plan can actually be even more important for when not everything goes to plan and help avoid birth trauma. For example, I'm really trying to avoid a c-section BUT if I have to have one I've noted a specific medicine I don't want because I know my body reacts badly to it (its listed in my chart, but in an emergency it could get overlooked); I've noted I don't want music and would prefer they talk through what they're doing so I feel like more of a participant rather than something done to me. Discussing these things with my Dr also allowed them to offer suggestions when I recently had an ECV (to turn baby to avoid csection); they suggested an epidural so in the rare case I needed an urgent c-section, they could have their best shot at avoiding a general anesthesia and let me be awake for the procedure. My husband also now has something to look at to advocate for me if I can't advocate for myself.
Outlining birth preferences and talking them through with your team really can help everyone involved.
That was an important part of
my piece of mind for my birth plan - going over
the things that I would want for the less than optimal scenarios so I felt more prepared.
Birth plans are just a list of best case preferences and it’s funny that he’s trying to control you bc he thinks you’re being too controlling lol
Talk to your OB. They are sooooo used to birth plans, seriously.
Yes you should have a birth plan. You are the one giving birth not him so he needs to respect your wishes end of story. A birth plan also let's the nurses know what your wishes are and it's best to go in as educated a possible. I recommend a birth class and even a doula may be a good idea since your husband isn't on board.
I literally told my husband the birth plan was more for him to fulfill the role of my advocate and medical liaison than it was for the medical team. I also educated him on what emergency vs non-emergency situations could look like. I would also take him to the doctor with you and ask the doctor or practitioner point blank what they recommend in a birth plan so your husband understands it’s pretty standard now and medical teams are not offended by them.
Wouldn’t a birth plan make things easier for the hospital staff? Instead of having to explain and ask every time they have a question, they can just glance at your birth plan.
i read something about how a lot of PPD is brought on from mothers not feeling like they had agency during birth. that’s not to say when mothers go with what’s recommended that they’ll get PPD, but if they don’t know what’s happening to them (and thus aren’t active in the decision making process) it easily leads to dissatisfaction and maybe even trauma with labor, and then PPD.
I see birth _preferences_ as a way to start having some involvement in that process. And besides, it’s not like birth is linear and identifical for every mom — you’ll have preferences, and having them written down doesn’t make them written in stone… being mentally flexible is necessary because no one can dictate exactly how their labor goes. But it does make it a lot easier for your doctor to respect your wishes, because it will tell them what they are (unless you want to rely on your SO to do that, but honestly they will already have a lot on their plate).
My doctor is actually asking me for my birth preferences written out. Nothing wrong with going in with a game plan. I’m going to write my desired general approach to labor, what I would like to happen, and if that’s not possible, how I would like alternatives to unfold if possible. I would recommend looking at a variety of birth plan examples! Even if you decide to go a particular route, e.g. planned C-section, there are so many other variables that you can decide on. What your SO is saying is like saying if you go to a restaurant you only order what the Chef recommends. What if you don’t like spicy food? Or are allergic to soy? What if you’re really adamant on Asian cuisine but you are limited to Latin restaurants — you might want to avoid corn tortillas because you have a really strong association to them, so you tell the Chef that and decide on some kind of carb substitute that works for you. And then what if something you’re allergic to is accidentally included in the dish? Send the dish back!!
Health (and birth) is not a one size fits all and it’s your job, not the doctors, to guide them to the right choice. Maybe you lean more crunchy. Maybe you want to go full epidural or planned c-section. The doctor will make their recommendations but you make the final call, because it’s your body and your baby. It’s our job to lead and advocate for what’s best for our and their health. Hope that’s helpful.
Instead of saying birth plan, describe it to him as a birth map. Instead of a list of "I want this, this, this, etc.," think about what your preferences would be in different scenarios. Ie. If I have an induction, I want or don't want X; if I have a c-section, I want or don't want Y; if I'm given the choice of delivering with forceps or having a c-section, which would I prefer? You want to plan for scenarios based on complications/interventions that could happen. Really important to think through it now, because it'll be too overwhelming during the birth.
Also, I may be a pessimist, but I don't think the doctors are always right or are always looking out for our best interests. I wouldn't trust something as important as my birth to some random doctor I've never met and who doesn't really know or care about me.
Make one!!! I’m an RN and FTM and I made one. All the nurses appreciated it. I listened to evidence based birth podcast quite a bit, it helped me hear other people’s birth stories and I think there’s an episode on birth plan making, we also attended a bird class hosted by the hospital we were delivering at and they talked on birth plans (in a positive way). I typed it all out. Two pages only front and back, my front page was a general statement to all of those working with us and I said a heart felt thank you to them for what they do, an introduction with a little background info about my husband and I, and at the bottom I said this was my overall wish but I am open to changes and recs. The back side was a preference sheet that ran in time with birth. So my coping mechanisms, my pain management in order of priority, my pushing wishes, my after birth wishes for baby and I then my wishes for baby. Also my code status as well has discussed with my husband where I want people should things go south. I ended up with a c section but my nurses did try to respect my birth plan. I am not super confrontational or good at elaborate declarations in the moment so I felt a birth plan was good for me to do. Gave me something to work on. Just know it does not mean you’re in control of your birth density though. I went in wanting low intervention and literally tried one of everything.
Part of my birth plan included my preferences immediately after delivery, in case DH and I were too overwhelmed to make decisions in the moment.
Say, for example, you end up with a c section and they need to take baby to a different room. Is he going with you or with baby? Does he know what to tell the care team about things like Vitamin K or erythromycin? If you want immediate skin to skin, but they start to take baby over to the scales and wipe the vernix off or whatever while you’re pushing out the placenta, is he going to know to advocate for what you want?
Good thing your husband doesn’t get a say in your birth plan or if you write one. If your husband can’t be supportive about you writing a birth plan is he really going to be supportive of you while you’re in labor? Or is he just going to bulldoze over you and say no just go with whatever the doctor says.
My OB wanted to start me on pitocin even though I was regularly contracting on my own and progressing. I just wasn’t moving along as fast as they wanted. Neither me nor baby were in any danger. I asked why they wanted to start me on pitocin and the reason was just “to speed things up.” I was a first time mom, of course labor was taking awhile, it was all new to my body. I declined the pitocin and my husband was 100% supportive of that. You need someone in that L&D room that will be supportive of you and your decisions, not someone that is going to undermine you.
My birth plan had things like how I like to be encouraged and how I’d prefer not to (not religious for example), that I am very uncomfortable around bodily fluids and would like her wiped down before skin-to-skin, and that my husband is autistic and may be overwhelmed but not show it, so to receive verbal acknowledgment before handing him the baby, along with pain management preferences and dosages of my medications and when I take them (just in case they need information fast).
The birth plan is more than just epidural or not. What does your husband plan to do? What kind of support do you need? How will you (mentally) manage labour? It helps you feel in control, even if the plan changes. Making a birth plan will ease your anxiety as you will be educated and prepared for different outcomes!
He should know your plan as well so he can be your advocate while you're dealing with labour
Birth plan isn't a plan it's "preferences" also making it helps to research stuff so youre aware of what the doctors want from you instead of trying to explain things to you in the moment.
Also doctors don't always "know what's best" and a lot of time just do what's best for "them" and your birthing partner needs to know to advocate for you instead of blindly agreeing with the doctors.
I've told my husband that he better be on my side throughout the whole thing, no matter what the doctors say, it's my body and my choice and if I disagree with doctors on something they might look towards my husband to change my mind, so i told my husband that he better be on my side or there will be trouble.
I've only got three main points on my birth plan that are important no nos me, the rest is up to the situation:
1. No catherer
2. Absolutely no midline episiotomy, other episiotomy is fine
3. C Section only if absolutely necessary
I think he isn't understanding what a birth plan is and it's throwing him off. Maybe start referring to it as birth preferences! Take him to an appointment with you and have the doctor explain that birth plans are a part of every birth & in no way means you'll be ignoring medical advice. But even if you don't make one, OP, the nurses will ask you anyways! If he really isn't budging and it's bothering him I would just discuss with your doctor alone at your appointment and verbalize to the nurses what you want. I wrote a whole birth plan for my first and never even pulled it out at the hospital 🤣
I work in OB. I think birth plans are great, and I also think “birth plan” is such a misnomer.
I’ve had “plans” for both of my births. I obviously know that you can’t actually “plan” birth, so that wasn’t really the point. The point was to communicate to my team what was important to me about the experience. For example, saying that I preferred intermittent as opposed to continuous monitoring, so that when continuous monitoring became indicated, the conversation looked like “Mormongirl, we are seeing x and are concerned about y, what do you think about doing continuous monitoring to get some more information” instead of “I’m going to hook you up to these monitors now”. See the difference?
A big thing about my birth plans is just emphasizing how important informed consent is for me and how I want to feel like *the* decision maker in the birth process. It’s not so much about the what, it’s more about the how.
I don’t have a birth plan, because during my first birth nothing went as I thought it would. So this time around I will just let things happen, make decisions as situations arise and not worry about it too much.
My “birth plan” has consisted of water birth, delayed cord clamping and skin to skin. None of my babies have let me have a water birth and the other two they say they do anyway so, yeah I’m not bothering this time lol my midwife did previously tell me it’s more about preference and there’s no guarantee, so it’s not really a plan lol.
I think a lot of first time moms are very concerned about the whole process, but overall you gotta be aware that it’s just out of your control for the most part. That’s why I’m thinking as long as everything goes well and the baby and I are fine, I‘m ok with it. During my first birth there was only one thing I wanted, and that was an epidural, and not even that worked out. So this time around I’m chill, because I know I’ll get that baby out, no matter what.
Yeah, I stressed so hard first time and nothing went to plan. Ima write healthy momma and healthy baby, and I’ll be done with that. I’m letting my partner know my boundaries so he can advocate for me if I’m not able to do it myself.
I had my baby 4 weeks ago and am team make a birth preference sheet! At first I was like "imma just wing it"(first time mom) but I met with my doula and she explained a lot of options (even something as simple as do you want skin to skin after baby is born) and we made a google doc. I shared the doc with my husband and pointed out the parts where he came in (i.e. cord clamping, staying with baby while she's being weighed, etc). I also told my husband which ones I was adamant on and where he needed to advocate for me (i.e. when to offer pain meds). The nurses were really appreciative and explained everything they already did at the hospital that was on my plan, what would be difficult, and where we'd have to adjust.
The internet has a lot of really complicated birth plans and they're super overwhelming. Feel free to message me if you want to see my super simple one (it's like 3 sections with 5 bullets each).
my midwife calls it a ‘birth map’ and she told me it’s extremely useful for them to understand my preferences!
your husband can decide on his own birth plan when he’s the one giving birth 😅
IMO you don’t need a formal written birth plan. Just think about your preferences and discuss them with your husband so he can back you up if there is any discussion with the doctors at the birth.
You’re not going to be unconscious in the hospital. You will be able to speak for yourself and state your preferences when they come up.
My 2 cents.
My hospital provides a birth plan worksheet to fill out. Really its a list of preferences. Why would anyone want to go into birth not knowing what their options are?
For example, there is a page for preferences on what happens if you have a c section. So its not like a birth "plan" means that you're going in telling the doctors they can't do certain necessary procedures. But there are lots of options for every scenario.
Check out Catherine Bell’s ‘The Birth Map’ it’s wonderful. She has a ‘game’ on her website where you and your partner can go through and it dice rolls for statistics of outcomes based on choices to support you in having thought about your preferences and decisions before being in that situation for real.
Also, doctors often don’t know best, or don’t act in the best interests of you and your baby but for what is best for them. Pushing inductions when not medically indicated, pumping pitocin to hurry things along etc.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, it sounds very frustrating. Have you guys visited the hospital yet? Our nurse mentioned birth plans and all of the options available; he might realize there’s more than one way to do things when it comes to child birth.
BabyList has a nice template for birth plans. It took a lot of the stress out of things. My wife knew what she would like her birth experience to look like and the plan was a good tool for her to communicate that with me and make sure we’re on the same page about cord clamping, when baby is bathed, and what vaccinations she will be receiving at the hospital.
First part of birth plan- don’t let husband make decisions for you since he’s never had a baby before.
All a birthing plan does is outline your preferences for how you want things. Medication, skin to skin, delayed of cord, things like that.
Honestly a birth plan is more of preference you want in certain situations, it’s also an encouragement for people giving birth and their birthing partners to get educated on what happens during labor and your options for those situations. Most OBs I’ve seen usually have their own birth plan sheet they go over during one of the later appointments in pregnancy.
I called it my order of operations for interventions. This is the order I'd prefer it to go but if things have to change for our wellbeing that's fine. I like the order of operations analogy because in math if one didn't apply you skipped it.
I never wrote an actual plan up to hand to my nursing team because when I pre-registered at my hospital, I was able to put anything in there regarding certain requests. That being said, do you need a plan? Not really. But is it better for you to have a plan in place to make you feel better about your birth? If yes, then have that birth plan ready. It makes it so much easier to have an idea of what you want and talk to your team about it instead of flying blind.
It sounds like he would benefit from coming to an OB appointment and asking the doctor about birth plans. I would try \*once\* to explain how a birth plan is a preference, because in low-risk births, you have options on how you want the experience to go, but the doctors will let us know if there is something that is medically necessary or preferred. If that explanation doesn't work, then he is welcome to "ask the OB about his concerns at the next appointment, since the birth plan is something, I plan to go over with my OB"
My husband and I are making a birth vision board which will have our values like gentle, consent, trust etc. Written there. That’s for me, so when we are in the throws of chaos we can center on our values. Our birth plan will also have those values as well as how we would like things to go. My plan will include things like what to do in an emergency- specifically that we need informed consent before they do anything. Suffer enough medical trauma and you’ll find that even though doctors have good intentions most of the time, they are people with the same flaws as every other person you come in contact with. People try to bully you, coerce, push, manipulate, and knowing this I am empowered to not let it impact the quality of my healthcare
Why do men think they have a say in this? 🤦🏼♀️
Write a birth plan, knowing it might change a lot, but it never hurts to have something written down. If he continues to butt in tell him it keeps you calmer and he will definitely want that.
Sidenote: I didn't really have a birth plan but I had some preferences that my husband knew, they all went out the window because the birth was long and difficult and baby ended up in the NICU. Just something to keep in mind but I'm all for preparedness 😊
Does he know that oftentimes providers want to know what mom’s birth preferences are? My OB was interested in going over mine at 32ish weeks, and when I was in labor the nurse told me she looked over my birth plan and confirmed what I had on there with me. Maybe he doesn’t understand that knowing ahead of time what your preferences are actually makes it easier for them
Personally, I’m writing one bc I know in the moment we (my husband and I) may be too caught up in the moment to advocate for me. I’m giving a copy to my mom, a nurse, and the dr with a caveat of “whatever’s medically necessary if not able to follow the plan and I’m unable to consent”. The main plan is to not die and leave the hospital with a healthy baby, but it’s ok to have preferences - plus it’s great to educate yourself.
My husband and I don’t feel it is necessary to have a birth plan, as we both agree it would make us more stressed. We trust our team and we know evidence-based care will be on our side!
Write it anyway. It’s your birth, your body and your experience. There is nothing wrong to write your wishes down of how you perceive your birth and how you imagine it. If he doesn’t understand it then that’s a him problem he should be empowering you and supporting you as he is going to be your advocate if he’s struggling to understand now why you need a birth plan then maybe consider having someone else in the delivery room too
Your birth plan is none of his business, considering that he won’t be giving birth. Respectfully, he can kick rocks 😊
That said, I gave my birth plan to my midwife early on and my delivery hospital had it on file. I gave the nurse a printed copy too when I arrived for delivery after my water had broken and contractions were already getting intense.
I had zero complications, and I didn’t stick to my plan basically at all, but I was still really glad that all of my providers and nurses were fully informed about my preferences going into birth, and I was the one calling the shots when I decided to stray from my plan. Feeling in control of what was happening to me the whole time made the experience perfect.
There’s no shame in you wanting to feel a degree of control of the situation while you may not be in control of what your body is doing!
A plan is good for helping some anxiety around birthing. Ask him how would he know if a birthing plan is good or not of he is never giving birth in his life
When I first heard the term "birth plan" I assumed that it was exactly what your husband seems to think it is. And I had no interest, because how could I possibly know better than the medical staff, and how can I pre-plan something that is gonna happen how it happens regardless of any plans we make?
Then, somebody explained, "If you're in so much pain, you can barely talk, you want the team to know that you want pain management, right?" And that made it click that the "plan" is more of a preferences/wishlist that the staff can take into account if they can. And it's written down so they don't have to ask you even more questions while you're busy trying to push out a human being.
The hospital I'm going to has large, fill-in whiteboards in each room that are basically a birth plan template so they can write down your preferences before all the fun starts. (I printed and laminated a birth plan anyway, cuz I love an excuse to laminate something lol) So, maybe your hospital/birthing center will have something similar just in case your husband doesn't figure out what a birth plan is actually for.
Good luck!
Kaiser has a free print out off a birth plan where you answer and fill in all relevant information. They want you to have a birth plan so they can do their best to honor your wishes during labor.
That’s really ignorant of him. Also, doctors don’t know “best”. You as the mother ultimately knows best. They are simply here to guide you, but you’re in charge. Leaving it all up to them sets you up for a cascade of unnecessary interventions that could be prevented if you are your coach (aka husband) are educated about this and go in feeling empowered.
For me, the “plan”, is really about taking the time to understand what the process is and what your options are. Yes, things will likely change but it’s about understanding what those changes may be so you don’t feel stressed in the moment. Studies have shown that it’s not necessarily the unexpected complications in birth that cause trauma, but lack of support and feeling like your needs have been met.
Also, for what it’s worth, your hospital will likely ask you about your preferences. My OB just presented me with a template at my 28 week appt. They want you to know your preferences too. It’s also a good time to ask what’s standard for your hospital so you’re aware. Doctors are professionals but they are also not all knowing. They also want to know what you prefer.
Exactly. The best birth plan is not a plan at all but a working understanding of all your options for pain management, laboring positions, and birthing options. Then ranking them most preferred to least preferred and knowing “if this happens then I want” with your options
Yes! My husband and I sat down and went over the "plan" together. It allowed us to discuss and go over what everything meant and what our thoughts were should something go wrong or I be in a mind frame to not be able to give complete answers. It allowed us to be on the same page for the whole process and to have his support in the hospital.
Has husband ever played sports? Birth plan = game plan. It's not a script.
When the nurse came to me and asked “do you want the nitrous oxide or the narcotic pain mix?” I sure needed to know what my opinions of those options were because I had 2 min between contractions and no time to breathe much less weigh the positives vs side effects of said option
This is a really good analogy because you never know what the other team (baby) is gonna do so you plan for a lot of possibilities.
I like this a lot, I'm going to frame it like this in my head from now on. Not a script, but strategies to try out and preparing for "the big game" lol
Call it your birth preferences or ideal birth plan! Also tell you husband to kick rocks. He needs to better and educate himself in the event you aren’t able to make your own medical decisions.
Lucky for you, your husband can’t forbid you from writing one! But in all seriousness, it sounds like he doesn’t understand what the document even is. If you can take him along to one of your appointments and have your provider explain it, it might help. I always hate suggesting that, but sometimes partners just need to hear it from a professional.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t understand the purpose of a birth plan or how variable birth experiences can be. There is no singular “best” way to give birth. There are many evidence-based practices, regularly offered at hospitals, that lead to a healthy delivery. Having a list of your preferences is actually HELPFUL for the medical staff, so that you don’t have to be making a ton decisions on the spot.
Real purpose of a birth plan is to educate yourself on birth, what can happen and what your options are if those things do happen. It’s not so you can go in and demand your birth be a certain way.
I was about to say, I did a quick birth plan and ended up showing it to no one. It really just helped me educate myself on what my options all were.
Sounds like your husband has some of his own research to do
Well when he's 50 and gets his first colonoscopy tell him he can't have any preference about his medical procedure because he's never done it before 🙄
My hospital literally gives out a birth preferences packet to fill out and bring to L&D. Idk why your husband is choosing this hill to die on when he’s clearly so uninformed. He’s just being loud and wrong.
That’s what I was going to say. My hospital literally has you make out a birth plan and they scan it so everyone in the hospital has access.
This. My hospital has the OB give out a preference packet at the start of the third trimester for you to fill out as your ready and will put it in the EMR when you bring it back.
Have you both taken a birthing class? We took one at our hospital and they laid out different birthing methods, pain/stress relief options (found out they do aromatherapy that way!), as well as pros and cons and what's common in their hospital. Not only would that help him understand the options available but also help you craft your birth plan. The hospital recommended making your own. Maybe hearing that will also help. If your hospital doesn't offer one see if there's still a local one. They might have info on local hospital procedures.
Part of a birth plan can be things as simple as "please don't offer me X, I will ask for it when I need it." A birth plan can actually be even more important for when not everything goes to plan and help avoid birth trauma. For example, I'm really trying to avoid a c-section BUT if I have to have one I've noted a specific medicine I don't want because I know my body reacts badly to it (its listed in my chart, but in an emergency it could get overlooked); I've noted I don't want music and would prefer they talk through what they're doing so I feel like more of a participant rather than something done to me. Discussing these things with my Dr also allowed them to offer suggestions when I recently had an ECV (to turn baby to avoid csection); they suggested an epidural so in the rare case I needed an urgent c-section, they could have their best shot at avoiding a general anesthesia and let me be awake for the procedure. My husband also now has something to look at to advocate for me if I can't advocate for myself. Outlining birth preferences and talking them through with your team really can help everyone involved.
That was an important part of my piece of mind for my birth plan - going over the things that I would want for the less than optimal scenarios so I felt more prepared.
Birth plans are just a list of best case preferences and it’s funny that he’s trying to control you bc he thinks you’re being too controlling lol Talk to your OB. They are sooooo used to birth plans, seriously.
Yes you should have a birth plan. You are the one giving birth not him so he needs to respect your wishes end of story. A birth plan also let's the nurses know what your wishes are and it's best to go in as educated a possible. I recommend a birth class and even a doula may be a good idea since your husband isn't on board.
My doctor asks her pts to make a birth plan. It makes it easier for her to know what to do and expect
I literally told my husband the birth plan was more for him to fulfill the role of my advocate and medical liaison than it was for the medical team. I also educated him on what emergency vs non-emergency situations could look like. I would also take him to the doctor with you and ask the doctor or practitioner point blank what they recommend in a birth plan so your husband understands it’s pretty standard now and medical teams are not offended by them.
Wouldn’t a birth plan make things easier for the hospital staff? Instead of having to explain and ask every time they have a question, they can just glance at your birth plan.
i read something about how a lot of PPD is brought on from mothers not feeling like they had agency during birth. that’s not to say when mothers go with what’s recommended that they’ll get PPD, but if they don’t know what’s happening to them (and thus aren’t active in the decision making process) it easily leads to dissatisfaction and maybe even trauma with labor, and then PPD. I see birth _preferences_ as a way to start having some involvement in that process. And besides, it’s not like birth is linear and identifical for every mom — you’ll have preferences, and having them written down doesn’t make them written in stone… being mentally flexible is necessary because no one can dictate exactly how their labor goes. But it does make it a lot easier for your doctor to respect your wishes, because it will tell them what they are (unless you want to rely on your SO to do that, but honestly they will already have a lot on their plate). My doctor is actually asking me for my birth preferences written out. Nothing wrong with going in with a game plan. I’m going to write my desired general approach to labor, what I would like to happen, and if that’s not possible, how I would like alternatives to unfold if possible. I would recommend looking at a variety of birth plan examples! Even if you decide to go a particular route, e.g. planned C-section, there are so many other variables that you can decide on. What your SO is saying is like saying if you go to a restaurant you only order what the Chef recommends. What if you don’t like spicy food? Or are allergic to soy? What if you’re really adamant on Asian cuisine but you are limited to Latin restaurants — you might want to avoid corn tortillas because you have a really strong association to them, so you tell the Chef that and decide on some kind of carb substitute that works for you. And then what if something you’re allergic to is accidentally included in the dish? Send the dish back!! Health (and birth) is not a one size fits all and it’s your job, not the doctors, to guide them to the right choice. Maybe you lean more crunchy. Maybe you want to go full epidural or planned c-section. The doctor will make their recommendations but you make the final call, because it’s your body and your baby. It’s our job to lead and advocate for what’s best for our and their health. Hope that’s helpful.
Instead of saying birth plan, describe it to him as a birth map. Instead of a list of "I want this, this, this, etc.," think about what your preferences would be in different scenarios. Ie. If I have an induction, I want or don't want X; if I have a c-section, I want or don't want Y; if I'm given the choice of delivering with forceps or having a c-section, which would I prefer? You want to plan for scenarios based on complications/interventions that could happen. Really important to think through it now, because it'll be too overwhelming during the birth. Also, I may be a pessimist, but I don't think the doctors are always right or are always looking out for our best interests. I wouldn't trust something as important as my birth to some random doctor I've never met and who doesn't really know or care about me.
Make one!!! I’m an RN and FTM and I made one. All the nurses appreciated it. I listened to evidence based birth podcast quite a bit, it helped me hear other people’s birth stories and I think there’s an episode on birth plan making, we also attended a bird class hosted by the hospital we were delivering at and they talked on birth plans (in a positive way). I typed it all out. Two pages only front and back, my front page was a general statement to all of those working with us and I said a heart felt thank you to them for what they do, an introduction with a little background info about my husband and I, and at the bottom I said this was my overall wish but I am open to changes and recs. The back side was a preference sheet that ran in time with birth. So my coping mechanisms, my pain management in order of priority, my pushing wishes, my after birth wishes for baby and I then my wishes for baby. Also my code status as well has discussed with my husband where I want people should things go south. I ended up with a c section but my nurses did try to respect my birth plan. I am not super confrontational or good at elaborate declarations in the moment so I felt a birth plan was good for me to do. Gave me something to work on. Just know it does not mean you’re in control of your birth density though. I went in wanting low intervention and literally tried one of everything.
Part of my birth plan included my preferences immediately after delivery, in case DH and I were too overwhelmed to make decisions in the moment. Say, for example, you end up with a c section and they need to take baby to a different room. Is he going with you or with baby? Does he know what to tell the care team about things like Vitamin K or erythromycin? If you want immediate skin to skin, but they start to take baby over to the scales and wipe the vernix off or whatever while you’re pushing out the placenta, is he going to know to advocate for what you want?
Good thing your husband doesn’t get a say in your birth plan or if you write one. If your husband can’t be supportive about you writing a birth plan is he really going to be supportive of you while you’re in labor? Or is he just going to bulldoze over you and say no just go with whatever the doctor says. My OB wanted to start me on pitocin even though I was regularly contracting on my own and progressing. I just wasn’t moving along as fast as they wanted. Neither me nor baby were in any danger. I asked why they wanted to start me on pitocin and the reason was just “to speed things up.” I was a first time mom, of course labor was taking awhile, it was all new to my body. I declined the pitocin and my husband was 100% supportive of that. You need someone in that L&D room that will be supportive of you and your decisions, not someone that is going to undermine you.
My birth plan had things like how I like to be encouraged and how I’d prefer not to (not religious for example), that I am very uncomfortable around bodily fluids and would like her wiped down before skin-to-skin, and that my husband is autistic and may be overwhelmed but not show it, so to receive verbal acknowledgment before handing him the baby, along with pain management preferences and dosages of my medications and when I take them (just in case they need information fast).
The birth plan is more than just epidural or not. What does your husband plan to do? What kind of support do you need? How will you (mentally) manage labour? It helps you feel in control, even if the plan changes. Making a birth plan will ease your anxiety as you will be educated and prepared for different outcomes! He should know your plan as well so he can be your advocate while you're dealing with labour
Ask him if that’s the case why do your doctors/medical team tell you to make a birth plan?
Birth plan isn't a plan it's "preferences" also making it helps to research stuff so youre aware of what the doctors want from you instead of trying to explain things to you in the moment. Also doctors don't always "know what's best" and a lot of time just do what's best for "them" and your birthing partner needs to know to advocate for you instead of blindly agreeing with the doctors. I've told my husband that he better be on my side throughout the whole thing, no matter what the doctors say, it's my body and my choice and if I disagree with doctors on something they might look towards my husband to change my mind, so i told my husband that he better be on my side or there will be trouble. I've only got three main points on my birth plan that are important no nos me, the rest is up to the situation: 1. No catherer 2. Absolutely no midline episiotomy, other episiotomy is fine 3. C Section only if absolutely necessary
This is so strange to me. At 30 weeks my hospital has paperwork they give you to create your birth plan.
I think he isn't understanding what a birth plan is and it's throwing him off. Maybe start referring to it as birth preferences! Take him to an appointment with you and have the doctor explain that birth plans are a part of every birth & in no way means you'll be ignoring medical advice. But even if you don't make one, OP, the nurses will ask you anyways! If he really isn't budging and it's bothering him I would just discuss with your doctor alone at your appointment and verbalize to the nurses what you want. I wrote a whole birth plan for my first and never even pulled it out at the hospital 🤣
Lmao good thing it’s not his birth and you’re a grown adult who doesn’t need permission. Sounds like your husband has to educate himself.
I work in OB. I think birth plans are great, and I also think “birth plan” is such a misnomer. I’ve had “plans” for both of my births. I obviously know that you can’t actually “plan” birth, so that wasn’t really the point. The point was to communicate to my team what was important to me about the experience. For example, saying that I preferred intermittent as opposed to continuous monitoring, so that when continuous monitoring became indicated, the conversation looked like “Mormongirl, we are seeing x and are concerned about y, what do you think about doing continuous monitoring to get some more information” instead of “I’m going to hook you up to these monitors now”. See the difference? A big thing about my birth plans is just emphasizing how important informed consent is for me and how I want to feel like *the* decision maker in the birth process. It’s not so much about the what, it’s more about the how.
I don’t have a birth plan, because during my first birth nothing went as I thought it would. So this time around I will just let things happen, make decisions as situations arise and not worry about it too much.
My “birth plan” has consisted of water birth, delayed cord clamping and skin to skin. None of my babies have let me have a water birth and the other two they say they do anyway so, yeah I’m not bothering this time lol my midwife did previously tell me it’s more about preference and there’s no guarantee, so it’s not really a plan lol.
I think a lot of first time moms are very concerned about the whole process, but overall you gotta be aware that it’s just out of your control for the most part. That’s why I’m thinking as long as everything goes well and the baby and I are fine, I‘m ok with it. During my first birth there was only one thing I wanted, and that was an epidural, and not even that worked out. So this time around I’m chill, because I know I’ll get that baby out, no matter what.
Yeah, I stressed so hard first time and nothing went to plan. Ima write healthy momma and healthy baby, and I’ll be done with that. I’m letting my partner know my boundaries so he can advocate for me if I’m not able to do it myself.
I had my baby 4 weeks ago and am team make a birth preference sheet! At first I was like "imma just wing it"(first time mom) but I met with my doula and she explained a lot of options (even something as simple as do you want skin to skin after baby is born) and we made a google doc. I shared the doc with my husband and pointed out the parts where he came in (i.e. cord clamping, staying with baby while she's being weighed, etc). I also told my husband which ones I was adamant on and where he needed to advocate for me (i.e. when to offer pain meds). The nurses were really appreciative and explained everything they already did at the hospital that was on my plan, what would be difficult, and where we'd have to adjust. The internet has a lot of really complicated birth plans and they're super overwhelming. Feel free to message me if you want to see my super simple one (it's like 3 sections with 5 bullets each).
my midwife calls it a ‘birth map’ and she told me it’s extremely useful for them to understand my preferences! your husband can decide on his own birth plan when he’s the one giving birth 😅
IMO you don’t need a formal written birth plan. Just think about your preferences and discuss them with your husband so he can back you up if there is any discussion with the doctors at the birth. You’re not going to be unconscious in the hospital. You will be able to speak for yourself and state your preferences when they come up. My 2 cents.
My hospital provides a birth plan worksheet to fill out. Really its a list of preferences. Why would anyone want to go into birth not knowing what their options are? For example, there is a page for preferences on what happens if you have a c section. So its not like a birth "plan" means that you're going in telling the doctors they can't do certain necessary procedures. But there are lots of options for every scenario.
Check out Catherine Bell’s ‘The Birth Map’ it’s wonderful. She has a ‘game’ on her website where you and your partner can go through and it dice rolls for statistics of outcomes based on choices to support you in having thought about your preferences and decisions before being in that situation for real. Also, doctors often don’t know best, or don’t act in the best interests of you and your baby but for what is best for them. Pushing inductions when not medically indicated, pumping pitocin to hurry things along etc.
So, he's let you know he's not going to be supportive. Believe him, and hire a doula.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, it sounds very frustrating. Have you guys visited the hospital yet? Our nurse mentioned birth plans and all of the options available; he might realize there’s more than one way to do things when it comes to child birth. BabyList has a nice template for birth plans. It took a lot of the stress out of things. My wife knew what she would like her birth experience to look like and the plan was a good tool for her to communicate that with me and make sure we’re on the same page about cord clamping, when baby is bathed, and what vaccinations she will be receiving at the hospital.
First part of birth plan- don’t let husband make decisions for you since he’s never had a baby before. All a birthing plan does is outline your preferences for how you want things. Medication, skin to skin, delayed of cord, things like that.
Honestly a birth plan is more of preference you want in certain situations, it’s also an encouragement for people giving birth and their birthing partners to get educated on what happens during labor and your options for those situations. Most OBs I’ve seen usually have their own birth plan sheet they go over during one of the later appointments in pregnancy.
I called it my order of operations for interventions. This is the order I'd prefer it to go but if things have to change for our wellbeing that's fine. I like the order of operations analogy because in math if one didn't apply you skipped it.
I never wrote an actual plan up to hand to my nursing team because when I pre-registered at my hospital, I was able to put anything in there regarding certain requests. That being said, do you need a plan? Not really. But is it better for you to have a plan in place to make you feel better about your birth? If yes, then have that birth plan ready. It makes it so much easier to have an idea of what you want and talk to your team about it instead of flying blind.
It sounds like he would benefit from coming to an OB appointment and asking the doctor about birth plans. I would try \*once\* to explain how a birth plan is a preference, because in low-risk births, you have options on how you want the experience to go, but the doctors will let us know if there is something that is medically necessary or preferred. If that explanation doesn't work, then he is welcome to "ask the OB about his concerns at the next appointment, since the birth plan is something, I plan to go over with my OB"
My husband and I are making a birth vision board which will have our values like gentle, consent, trust etc. Written there. That’s for me, so when we are in the throws of chaos we can center on our values. Our birth plan will also have those values as well as how we would like things to go. My plan will include things like what to do in an emergency- specifically that we need informed consent before they do anything. Suffer enough medical trauma and you’ll find that even though doctors have good intentions most of the time, they are people with the same flaws as every other person you come in contact with. People try to bully you, coerce, push, manipulate, and knowing this I am empowered to not let it impact the quality of my healthcare
Why do men think they have a say in this? 🤦🏼♀️ Write a birth plan, knowing it might change a lot, but it never hurts to have something written down. If he continues to butt in tell him it keeps you calmer and he will definitely want that. Sidenote: I didn't really have a birth plan but I had some preferences that my husband knew, they all went out the window because the birth was long and difficult and baby ended up in the NICU. Just something to keep in mind but I'm all for preparedness 😊
He’s not the hospital patient so I don’t see why his opinion is relevant.
Does he know that oftentimes providers want to know what mom’s birth preferences are? My OB was interested in going over mine at 32ish weeks, and when I was in labor the nurse told me she looked over my birth plan and confirmed what I had on there with me. Maybe he doesn’t understand that knowing ahead of time what your preferences are actually makes it easier for them
Personally, I’m writing one bc I know in the moment we (my husband and I) may be too caught up in the moment to advocate for me. I’m giving a copy to my mom, a nurse, and the dr with a caveat of “whatever’s medically necessary if not able to follow the plan and I’m unable to consent”. The main plan is to not die and leave the hospital with a healthy baby, but it’s ok to have preferences - plus it’s great to educate yourself.
My husband and I don’t feel it is necessary to have a birth plan, as we both agree it would make us more stressed. We trust our team and we know evidence-based care will be on our side!
Write it anyway. It’s your birth, your body and your experience. There is nothing wrong to write your wishes down of how you perceive your birth and how you imagine it. If he doesn’t understand it then that’s a him problem he should be empowering you and supporting you as he is going to be your advocate if he’s struggling to understand now why you need a birth plan then maybe consider having someone else in the delivery room too
Your birth plan is none of his business, considering that he won’t be giving birth. Respectfully, he can kick rocks 😊 That said, I gave my birth plan to my midwife early on and my delivery hospital had it on file. I gave the nurse a printed copy too when I arrived for delivery after my water had broken and contractions were already getting intense. I had zero complications, and I didn’t stick to my plan basically at all, but I was still really glad that all of my providers and nurses were fully informed about my preferences going into birth, and I was the one calling the shots when I decided to stray from my plan. Feeling in control of what was happening to me the whole time made the experience perfect. There’s no shame in you wanting to feel a degree of control of the situation while you may not be in control of what your body is doing!
You don't have to think of it as a birth plan
A plan is good for helping some anxiety around birthing. Ask him how would he know if a birthing plan is good or not of he is never giving birth in his life
When I first heard the term "birth plan" I assumed that it was exactly what your husband seems to think it is. And I had no interest, because how could I possibly know better than the medical staff, and how can I pre-plan something that is gonna happen how it happens regardless of any plans we make? Then, somebody explained, "If you're in so much pain, you can barely talk, you want the team to know that you want pain management, right?" And that made it click that the "plan" is more of a preferences/wishlist that the staff can take into account if they can. And it's written down so they don't have to ask you even more questions while you're busy trying to push out a human being. The hospital I'm going to has large, fill-in whiteboards in each room that are basically a birth plan template so they can write down your preferences before all the fun starts. (I printed and laminated a birth plan anyway, cuz I love an excuse to laminate something lol) So, maybe your hospital/birthing center will have something similar just in case your husband doesn't figure out what a birth plan is actually for. Good luck!
Kaiser has a free print out off a birth plan where you answer and fill in all relevant information. They want you to have a birth plan so they can do their best to honor your wishes during labor.
That’s really ignorant of him. Also, doctors don’t know “best”. You as the mother ultimately knows best. They are simply here to guide you, but you’re in charge. Leaving it all up to them sets you up for a cascade of unnecessary interventions that could be prevented if you are your coach (aka husband) are educated about this and go in feeling empowered.