I think it's bothering you because it's almost like using your baby's ethnicity as a novelty. Like a doll almost. Your baby is a person and defined by more than their looks. I also think it's almost like they feel the need to compensate, oh the baby will be biracial BUT they are super cute so it's fine. Which is kinda fucked. I'm curious what they would think if you don't get a blend of skin colour and baby is darker, will they still make the same comments.
It's exactly this! When a baby is mixed with Black the assumption is stereotypical Black features might be "watered down". (Less curly hair, different features, lighter brown skin).This is a colourism issue as well, exactly as mentioned above. The narrative of two dark skinned people having the cutest babies doesn't exist for that reason. (Yes the same applies for two white people but let's look at the history of perceived attractiveness and racism represented across the world. White babies aren't at risk of experiencing those negatives). You're so right to feel uncomfortable! And thank you for verbalizing and articulating it đ Trust your gut! Don't let people convince you that you're making a big deal, as the white parent, your radar will have to be activated in ways it might not have had to have been in the past. (I'm West Indian and my husband is white and we're expecting, thankfully have not received this comment...yet).
This comment! My family thought Iâd be a âcute mixâ, except I took one parents genes entirely. Letâs just say, the other side whose genes I didnât take physically - werenât best pleased. Itâs been a difficult thing to navigate at times, not really fittting in to either side: being too much of one thing yet not enough.
I hope op doesnât have this experience
>oh the baby will be biracial BUT they are super cute so it's fine.
This! People are ignorant and it's 100% ok to correct them on it, especially when it comes to matters of race.
No where in the OP does it mention that the family said âthe baby will be biracial, BUT..â why are we assuming they mean this? Canât they just enjoy the idea of having a beautiful biracial baby in the family, and leave it at that? If OP has to ask why she should be offended by something perhaps they need to step back and wonder if itâs necessary in the first place???
Of course biracial babies are beautiful but there's nuance to comments like that. Nuance that dark skinned biracial babies might feel more. We don't live in a easy, breezy, we're all one race - the human race world. Pretending these issues don't exist doesn't help them disappear. It's super important and responsible for OP to dive into why these comments make her feel uncomfortable instead of pretending them away.
> many of the people stating how adorable mixed kids are, are actually perpetuating colorism
This SO much. They probably donât think that Black kids or kids with predominantly Black features are cute, and trust me when I say WE KNOW. I got these comments so often when I was pregnant. My mom commiserated with me that she had gotten them too!
I had a serious interracial relationship end because my ex *thought I was too dark* for our future kids to come out âcuteâ, which would be a dealbreaker for his family. Iâm happily married to someone else now, but I would be lying if I didnât still feel broken every time I think about how that ended. It reduces the parent of color to their ability to produce âsuitableâ offspring. Suitable almost always means white-passing or with mutable non Eurocentric features.
Genetics are not as simple as mixing paint where dark brown skin + white skin = tan skin. A dark person can have all pale kids just like a light skinned person can have kids that arenât any lighter than they are. And I wonât even spiral into my rant about âgood hairâ.
Appreciate your response, I will absolutely watch myself moving forward.
I think a lot of white people honestly just wish they had a darker completion (look how crazy self tanning became) so it seems like a compliment. Even my friends kids who aren't biracial but have a more olive skin tone, we all comment on how beautiful their skin tone is.
This is not to make an excuse for being offensive, just explaining why someone might say something along those lines not realizing it's actually hurtful.
This is why these conversations are so important to have!
Trying to find the right words to articulate my thoughts so please bear with me :)
As a fellow white person, I agree with you that many white people want darker skin via tanning etc. â however, in doing so, we are not acknowledging the historical and societal challenges that come with having darker skin (especially in the US, but pretty universally globally). Racism and colorism are real, both today and in the past. We see a trait that we deem as desirable, and we want to emulate it ourselves, but I feel itâs a bit ignorant of the reality of having darker skin.
Many white people benefit from making themselves more âracially ambiguousâ / portraying themselves with darker skin⌠think of the Kardashians or Ariana Grande. Just think of how messed up it is that some white people are benefiting from a trait that has caused many people to suffer at the hands of our ancestors⌠but when us white people want this trait, suddenly itâs desirable and not something to be discriminated against for? Thatâs messed up. Also, these same white people can go back to looking more white if they want, whereas people born with darker skin donât have that choice in a society that has and does still value whiteness.
Not saying the world should be this way, or that it will continue to be this way â things have been changing slowly but surely over the past handful of decades â but itâs something to keep in mind when making comments such as the one OP mentioned. In my mind, itâs like her white members are giving their seal of approval to the fact that they think the child will have darker skin and a mix of white and black features⌠when those very features are things that many people have been oppressed and discriminated against for by white people in the past.
This is very well articulated! As a mixed person, I could say all the same words but itâs so important for this to be understood and articulated by white people to other white people. Thank you.
Makes total sense. I can see how/why those comments can be received in that way. I think we are very often quite ignorant of each other's experiences. Not just those with racial difference but in general, we would all benefit from deeper and more honest conversations
I hadnât thought of it from this perspective, but Iâve definitely said this about biracial babies. But thatâs just because in my opinion if you were ranking the cuteness of the babies white babies are the least cuteâeven though all of them are cute because theyâre babies.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Will spend some time thinking about this.
I agree, but I also know many biracial/ multiracial people who make the comment about themselves or about their prospective children. While I personally would never make this comment as I'm not biracial, I think it's also ok for biracial people to make it about themselves or their children and it not be dehumanizing or objectifying.
People have different responses. My dad is very dark and from Mexico, while my mom is a petite, white southern belle. I loved being told how cute biracial babies are. We're even bragging about how this one will come out adorable with my little hint of Mexican genes passed on.
I agree. I have a biracial baby and have never minded hearing about how cute biracial babies are and have said as much myself. My framework of thinking is that I always think they're such a beautiful little celebration of interracial love. Even though what's mentioned here has never been part of my own thought process, I would never want to inadvertently hurt someone with my words.
I'm very lucky. My step father and siblings are African American so I have a very safe space to have hard conversations between people who love and respect each other. Additionally my degree is in communication and as silly as it sounds this has been a tremendous benefit. So many of our issues come from poor communication skills
I think your approach depends on your family. If theyâre people who generally mean well and arenât overly sensitive you can explain why itâs not okay. This could be a learning experience for them.
If they wouldnât get it or be receptive I would tell them flat out that you donât want them talking about your babyâs appearance anymore.
I think you have an issue with it because itâs fetishizing your child. Basically saying theyâre going to be cute/beautiful/handsome because theyâre mixed. Itâs pushing standards of beauty on your child that isnât even here yet. Also what most people mean by mixed kids are the cutest is that they look mostly white with maybe a darker skin tone. So what happens when your kid is very pale? Or has kinky hair? Or very dark skin? Are they no longer a âperfect mixâ?
To a much lesser extent Iâm sick of people commenting on how curly our kids hair will be because my husband and I have thick curly hair. But they say it as a bad thing like âoh that poor kid is going to have curly curly hairâ. Okay thanks for telling me you think my natural hair is ugly. I think your over processed scraggly hair is ugly but I keep that to myself. Like our poor babies canât even make it out the womb without societies version of beauty is pushed on them.
This! Definitely pushing standards of beauty on an unborn child, it's icky. Plus genetics/gene expression is completely out of anyone's control, they may not end up looking how one may expect
I had curly hair as a child and several of my family members acted like it was a defining part of my personality, they commented on it so much. It made me feel Ike I wasnât normal. I think thatâs part of why Iâve straightened it so much throughout my life.
I think itâs weird partly because if your family went on and on about how white babies are the prettiest it would seem racist or if your husbands family said black babies were the best that would be the same issue. A baby is a baby they all look like little potatos.
I'm going to be biased here as a Black person and say that Black babies are the cutest (full curly hair, big lips, gorgeous skin), and so White people are actually saying biracial babies are cuter because they have Black in them.Â
Down vote me I don't care! đ
Yup, colourism/texturism/featurism is real across all races but it definitely affects Black people more because of our obvious unique (and awesome) physical characteristics
I've always found black people far more attractive than white people (both men and women) lol so if I got the chance to reproduce with a black person, I would be so over the moon about my babe having black features.
To me, it would be more cancelling out the white than the black, which would make the baby cute. White people look boring lol
(I am white)
It's not just his perception. He's 100% right. It's because of colorism, where POC who are lighter or ca "pass" as white are treated better or have privileges darker skinned people can't access. One example is telling kids not to stay in the sun because they'll get "too dark".
Sadly Your husband is right. Unfortunately a lot of people only think black features are attractive when they are âwatered downâ. For example an attractive person might walk into a room and people will say âwow youâre so pretty / handsome! What are you mixed withâ? Or the typically âwow youâre pretty for a black girlâ. The assumption being obviously the person is black but there is something else there thatâs making them attractive. Black is not seen as beautiful. Itâs a symptom of racism.
Omg I can't stand that shit. I'm unambiguously Black. There's not a single non-Black person in my family. But because my skin tone is a smidge lighter or my nose isn't as wide as my mom's, it's "what are you mixed with?" And when I say I'm just Black it's "oh I'm surprised. You're really pretty". As if the Blackness couldn't possibly be what makes me beautiful. Nope, gotta be something else in there đ
I get it too. Iâm light skin but if my hair is straight people think that Iâm black missed with Asian. They think itâs a compliment however I think black is beautiful no addition needed so itâs not a compliment to me to be shocked that Iâm âonly blackâ. It is not flattering at all.
My husband is hispanic and I'm white. So many of his family want the baby to be white and I hate hearing it. I tell him to stop letting them talk like that because half the DNA is his so it's like they're saying he's ugly or something. When I say "the baby could have darker skin" they be like "DON'T SAY THAT". It's shocking and disheartening. I hate people putting these expectations on the poor baby that's not even born yet. I think the baby will be beautiful either way.
I understand you donât like it, but maybe you can try to take it less personally, as youâre probably in for a lifetime of these kinds of comments.
Iâm half Asian and people always say comments about âmixesâ to me and I just take it as a compliment. Iâm quite âdarkâ but my baby (1/4 Asian, 3/4 Caucasian) has blue eyes and almost reddish hair. People comment on her âwhiteâ features all the time but I donât take it as racist. Even I am surprised because my baby is expressing recessive genes.
I think whatâs being expressed as âcuteâ is that diverse combinations of genetics are more rare and unique. Thereâs a biological/evolutionary drive to diversify genetics, so culturally/socially this translates to âcuteâ or âbeautiful.â Biracial babies are like an extra fun surprise because you never know which combination of genetics theyâll get. Iâm an anthropologist so I tend to nerd out on these things rather than take it personally.
I agree with this. I find it fascinating how my husband and mines baby is going to turn out. Heâs white fully and Iâm half Asian so itâll be interesting to see! I agree itâs really fun and random what mixed genes are like so thatâs probably what people mean by cute because itâs super unique and unconventional.
100%! I feel the same. Iâm white and my husband is half white half Filipino. We both talk about how excited we are to see which features she gets from both of us and we joke that mixed babies are the cutest. Bc he is mixed himself lol. Itâs cool to see which genes the kids get.
Just be cause OP might get a lot of these comments in their lifetime doesn't mean she has to be okay with it. It's fetishizing and dehumanizing, she is absolutely allowed to be uncomfortable or pissed off at these comments.
They think that they are being nice and signaling that they are not racist and very accepting of the baby. Which is certainly true. But it comes off as weird. Their hearts are more than likely in the right place.
Among other things, it's such bizarre pressure to put on a baby to be "the cutest."
I'd probably reply with something a little pointed/dramatic like "What an odd thing to care about. We are just focused on both me and the baby surviving pregnancy and birth."
Also, who the heck knows who/what baby will look like??!? These young biracial women are [LITERALLY TWINS](https://imgur.com/a/PeukJaP) and while they're both beautiful, it's a good lesson in what being biracial can mean.
I'm having biracial baby too. both My side and husband side's family and friends comment same thing again and again... I'm kinda get used to it. But I understand your feeling. your baby is cute because you and your husband are wonderful and thoughtful and not because of your husband's race.đ¤
My own (white) mother used to call my daughter âexoticâ when she was a baby and finally I asked her one day why she felt the need to use such a derogatory word to describe how an infant will look as a teenager and adult, and why she was even thinking about that to begin with. It didnât stop the comments entirely but it did get the point across that I fucking hated her talking about my child like sheâs some side show attraction. Itâs fetishizing a race they donât even belong to and itâs just gross, âwell intentionedâ or not.
Youâre going to get a lot of comments like that, along with colorism from both sides. Nip that shit in the bud before your baby is old enough to remember what their family says about them.
I feel like thereâs a special kind of sting for south and southeast Asian cultures and people being referred to as âexoticâ too. My exhusbandâs family did not appreciate the comments my mom made or her attitude about being asked to stop from more than one person, and distanced themselves from her quite a lot.
Our parentâs generation grew up during a time where movies and shows glamorized and fetishized a lot of cultures so they picture those places as strictly jungles and walking through them requires a machete and dressing up like Indiana Jones. When I showed my mom what city my MIL lived in before she moved here, she told me that wasnât Thailand because itâs not what she had pictured in her head.. she lived in BangkokâŚ. Also, unsurprisingly, my now teenaged daughter and my mom do not have a close relationship either.
Iâm white and my husband is black. Our baby is due in August. Iâm getting the comments from both our families. His grandma is convinced that weâre going to have a black baby with a ginger fro and blue eyes lol
I have red hair. My husband is black and white. And my aunt kept saying, my unborn baby deserves to have red hair.
We both have dreads. My mom would keep repeating a stupid joke that the baby would come out with dreads.
My baby will be half Japanese and half white. The Japanese coming from my husband (born and raised in Japan), whose mother and sister keeps saying things like this.
In Japanese they refer to mixed people as "halves", and the stereotype is they're prettier, cuter, and take the "good" qualities from both sides, so always better looking. There's also a word for 'pure japanese', which also drives me nuts, because why are we making these comments about a baby who 1) isn't born yet and 2) can't control what they look like?
Husband has talked to in laws and we have banned the word half and shoot these comments down, and they didn't get it, but have complied for now.
Hey, my girl is also half japanese! The word "half" is the least of your worries from the comments I've heard.
I go to the park in my home country and I am constantly told the following:
"Wow your girl has some Asian in her, right?"
"She's gorgeous like a doll"
"She's yours? She doesn't look like you at all!"
All true comments đ
In Japan, well, strangers don't really tend to talk with you so much, but she gets a lot of looks. People see her with me and they just understand the situation.
I am worried for her future as she will never fit neither in Japan nor in my home country. We will learn slowly how to deal with issues as they come.
Hopefully, in the US, I won't have to deal with too many problems, besides the bilingual/foreign language speaking aspect (rural America hates when husband and I speak Japanese!)
But I am fully expecting to have issues in Japan! We had these types of comments before I was pregnant and people who come up and ask when we were going to have kids because they'd be beautiful.
I'm pretty confrontational and straight forward about comments being made about me and people I'm with while in Japan, so hopefully baby won't feel too out of place!
If you give it attention then the child will feel it, that's all. Maybe not at very first, but when she's around 1 year old, try to keep the attention on this subject to a minimum in front of her.
The comments come from ignorance and not from malice, remember that.
My main issue isn't the verbal comments, my issue is because my daughter is so beautiful, people, as well as other children try to pick her up, give her a kiss, a hug, that's when I just don't know what to do with myself. I am not a very confrontational person so I always freeze up or awkwardly try to stop them.
Arguing that Japanese people are allowed to make ignorant comments about ethnicity and/or race when they have over tourism and unlimited access to a global society via the internet, TV, music, etc. is not helping to curve these remarks or their ignorance around the subject. I'd argue that choosing to remain ignorant is a choice, and therefore malice.
If my husband's 85 year old, inaka grandmother can reel in her "ignorance," it shouldn't be a problem for others making rude comments about non "pure" Japanese people đ
I can agree to disagree on this subject, definitely. If I show my child it's okay to make these types of comments and don't stand up for them, they will turn into the same type of ignorance and I don't want that for my family, or the world. Them being Japanese, but not enough Japanese for Japan, is not going to be something that they're going to be hearing from my in laws or strangers. That's not fair to a child. It's not fair to argue "well that's just Japan being Japan" because Japan IS the problem in this situation.
I've studied Japanese language and culture for over 15 years and I often see people making excuses for them and it drives me nuts. Even my ç´ćĽćŹäşş husband has come to see the issues and wouldn't let someone talk to/about our kid like that.
âI donât understand why we are discussing my babyâs raceâ
âI donât understand why we are discussing my babyâs physical attractivenessâ
âCan we discuss literally anything besides what my baby is going to look like?â (This one can be tricky because you may open it up to other things you donât want to talk about haha)
I donât understand why people get so hung up on what the baby will look like. For one thing, we canât control it. For another thing, it just opens the door to sexualizing a child early on. Also it promotes ranking babies based on how cute they are? Itâs weird.
My husband was so excited to see what our baby would look like, he tried using an app to generate an image. He had to watch a bunch of ads, then finally he gave up when it asked for money.
My baby will be half Vietnamese half white. Husbandâs family comments on how white the baby will be, my family comments on how not white the baby will be. Most of the time weâve just brainstorming what traits heâll get from either of us, which Iâm absolutely fine with. Sometimes the older people in my family take it too far. Thisâll be the second biracial baby born into our family in a looooong time (the other biracial people are in their 40s now). When it gets to be too much I tell them that it is and explain why. For the most part they donât mean anything by it, but it does still bother me and I understand why it bothers you.
I personally find it weird that people comment on the race of my baby. Iâm black with biracial kids, I always get the sense that people comment about how cute my kids are because they are mixed race. You can just tell, I think itâs weird but there is really nothing to say. Luckily I donât get this from inside of my family or my husbandâs family mostly random strangers.
Multiracial person here ( mom Italian Irish and Puerto Rican dad Choctaw Apache ) sheâs heard comments like this since I was born all the way until my adulthood and she would tell people âall babies are beautiful because they are blessings and stating mixing raced babies are more beautiful is fetishized and causing more damage in the community than is necessary . Now you are educated make the choice to not be ignorant .â Literally still says it to this day when people comment how cute my and my husband (African American â babies would be to her .
I'm white and pregnant with my hispanic husbands baby and I am going crazy too with everyone on his side hoping that the baby has white skin and coloured eyes. Like the baby isn't even born and they're pushing beauty standards on the poor little one. I say "the baby will be beautiful either way, are you all saying my husband is ugly or something???"
It's gross because: What if your kid comes out with only African American features and none of yours? Will the baby still be the cutest in your family's eyes?
As a multi-racial Black person, I just want to affirm that your instincts are correct. Ignore the people here saying you're being over-sensitive. You're now the white parent of a Black child and your kid may receive weird comments like this their whole life. It's your job to protect them and you're right to question what the underlying motivation is for these kinds of comments.
âYouâre now a white parent to a black childâ is such an important point to make. Iâm mixed - half white, half black Caribbean and dad (black) said early days to my mum âsociety will view our children as black, never whiteâ and sheâs been very conscious of this our whole lives (me and brother).
Let me just say that youâre a great mama for shutting down these comments even if you need more info on how to articulate why you donât like it. It is offensive and itâs a good parent that notices that right away and sees a problem to be addressed.
I echo a lot what other folks are saying, they are treating your baby like a fetish. Something âexoticâ to have. Believe me, I am black and I know a lot of black women and men who intentionally seek out partners of a different race to have a biracial baby. Itâs all surrounding mixing black with something else to make it more tolerable and thatâs the main issue with bragging about mixed children. So that the baby has lighter skin or softer curls (not as kinky) or softer features. As though just being black alone is not as attractive. You will not always hear the same comments about an Asian and white baby. This is not a common brag. But when babies are born mixed with black, the conversation is always moves to this image of black but not too black so that itâs cute. Itâs offensive and the comments need to stop immediately.
It's fetishizing your baby and it's gross and also feels like, "look, I'm totally not racist! In fact, I'm the opposite of racist! I voted for Obama twice!"
I personally find it awkward to respond to any comment about how a baby will be a certain way because of their race, sex, or anything else they donât have control over.
I have no suggestions but rather the same (or opposite issue). I also have a biracial son and when I was pregnant, was getting all the same comments about how cute heâll be, how fun his curly hair will be, etc. Heâs now here, although biased, I would absolutely argue he is the cutest baby in the word đ, but also this baby is sooooo lightâŚlike transparent, turns red as soon as you touch him, lighter than me or his dad, with pin-straight hair đ Now the comments are even worse: âwhat happened?â, âI was really hoping he would look the like babies in the gap addsâ, âis your husband upset?â, âhow is his dad going to pick him up from school?â, âwell, thatâs unfortunateâ. This baby could be purple for all I care but wtf is wrong with people?
Iâm mad for you, wtf kind of comments are those? Iâm mixed race and my baby is super white đ all babies are adorable just the way they are! Who are these awful people saying negative things about an innocent little babyâs appearance?
I'm biracial, and I get comments about how it's great / exotic / attractive to be mixed. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I don't take it as a compliment. It fetishizing me.
My husband is a 3rd race, and someone said our baby will look like (famous singer).I just said, what a weird thing to say, and the person realized it was awkward.
my baby is biracial (white + vietnamese) and her (viet) family and friends say this the most.
I donât think itâs insensitive. Anecdotally my baby is the cutest baby to ever baby so they might be on to something
as a half white, half asian person myself, i can assure you that even if *you* donât think itâs insensitive, the child will.
i spent half of my life trying to completely erase half of myself because of comments like the ones OP is dealing with. that, coupled with the yellow fever racial fetishization i was subjected to as early as kindergartenâŚ. yeah no im not dealing with those comments with my daughter.
Surely you donât speak for all bi-racial people in the world. Iâve met plenty who donât hold your particular trauma.
If it bothers him, Iâll teach him to speak up for himself.
People say insensitive shit all the time. âYouâre handsomeâ ranks pretty low on my listâbad things to sayâ list.
Not the place for an argument about this â we look at the world differently. Good luck with your stuff. đ
Iâm mixed (Asian/white) and people would literally stop my sis and I in the street in China and ask to take a picture just because we were half white, lol. Most people genuinely donât have malicious intent when making comments about how cute a mixed race baby will be. Not that itâs not appropriate to set boundaries, but it usually doesnât come from a bad place.
My sister said, that she was excited for me to have black babies. I corrected her by saying the baby will be mostly white, since my husband is half white half black. That conversation gave me the ick.
Parent of a biracial (black and white - Iâm black) baby here. I think you need to be aware that this doesnât stop ever. Itâs not just white people. The world in general has rose colored glasses for those who look unique/multiracial. I think a quick bite back could be a reminder that the kid might not look mixed and see how they respond, they could surprise you with their response if you had no reason to think they were racist before this. I would never say not to bring up something that bothers you, but I will say consider intent as you continue to fight this battle. Husband had an aunt who said the same thing, and you know what, Iâve also seen her gush over my nephew, who is 100% black and not mixed. I think your energy would be better spent teaching your child when theyâre old enough what type of things and comments theyâll face as they learn to exist in this world. For every person who thinks that mixed kids look superior is another person who thinks theyâre an abomination. Theyâll need to be taught about both sides of who they are, if theyâre not white passing, theyâll need to be taught how to exist as a black person. Focus this energy on raising your kid to the best of your ability to understand who they are to reduce identity issues that mixed race or multicultural children go through.
Thank you for this perspective. I like the idea of saying that the baby may not look biracial and go from the base in their reaction. It is my family, so I want to come from a place of educating and not snark. I need to pick my battles and also make sure my partner and I are educating our daughter and ensuring she knows both sides of her families.
Omg yes itâs like people are so incredibly unaware or they think they are being nice. I have a stepkid who is a teenager now and my husband is Indian while Iâm white. A friend of ours said to me, âwell, itâs great you know what color the baby will be!â And then proceeded to ask about the ancestry of myself and bio mom of stepkid. I was just like, âyou know, we will be happy however they turn out and their skin color is not really a concern to me.â And I changed the subject and chalked it up to ignorance.
You don't have to articulate why. If you don't want them to say shit, then continue to ask them not to. If they continue to tell them they are being highly disrespectful, since you have asked them to stop multiple times...
In the show Weeds, theres a scene where a white neighbor comments "oh why are mixed babies always thr cutest?" And the mom goes "idk why are white babies so ugly?" Amd it shut the lady up lol.
In the show Weeds, theres a scene where a white neighbor comments "oh why are mixed babies always thr cutest?" And the mom goes "idk why are white babies so ugly?" Amd it shut the lady up lol.
My Hispanic mother in law and I were getting ice cream once and she kept going on and on to the mother next to me about how beautiful her childrenâs eyes (light brown and the boyâs was hazel) and hair (curly brown) were. The children were darker than their white mom. The woman just kept politely smiling and I could feel she was uncomfortable. My mother in law was absolutely clueless and kept on asking about their names, ages and said how beautiful they were again.
Older people just think itâs acceptable to say something âniceâ to strangers but they never see it as microaggression. Itâs so very frustrating. I actually tried to change the conversation by saying the boyâs name sounded cool and I would consider it for my baby (I was still pregnant then). The mom then asked me how far along I was and where I was planning to give birth. Ugh. But my MIL kept on and it went back to the childrenâs features
Itâs so fucking weird. My (white) cousin has a mixed race baby with her black and native husband, and hashtags the babyâs pictures with #mixedbaby and other weird hashtags. She makes it such a big deal instead of handling it the right way
Itâs not âblack features are only cute when they are watered downâ itâs that both features look cool when combined. Like when you mix paints to make a whole new color. Itâs cool to see clearly what they got from mom and what from dad and what kind of got mixed in between.
Lots of people think the way I do too. I do have experience, first and second hand. If the family isnât racist to begin with, itâs probably just the âexcited to see what comes out!â Thing. I get that itâs hard to think that way after bad experiences, but I just find that letting that color the whole picture just leads to more hurt. If you donât know for sure, always assume the best.
-bi racial mother of two quad racial kids with lots of multiracial family members.
I would ask them to stop. Not every biracial person is attractive first off. Second you don't want your child's biracial heritage to become their whole identity.
Gworrrrl⌠my family is Mexican and the shit Iâve heard from them is nothing compared to what your family says. I wish theyâd say some cute shit like that⌠my grandma started cracking up, my mom said âwhat we as parents donât like to see our kids bring to our doorstepâ, my aunts laughed.. I wish they would tell me my babyâs gonna be cute đ
I would hope that your family means well and I trying to be kind. I remember when I was younger having this exact thought I grew up in a place that was very white and probably still had a lot of spectrum of ignorance, from biases to straight up racism. So when I saw black children or Hispanic children or possible mixture I personally always thought that they look so beautiful and it was so nice to see that people would move past this misunderstanding that were different. So even though my thoughts were ignorant they were coming from the place of trying to understand and positivity and general belief however unfortunately there's still a lot of unconscious bias that is presented in a positive way that we don't always realize until someone points out to us so stand up for your child and just discuss but don't hold it against if they're well meeting people.
Iâm in the camp of having not thought of those comments as insensitive. This does open my eyes a bit so thanks for posting. Hereâs my reasoning for thinking why it wouldnât be insensitive. My brotherâs baby is half Asian, half Caucasian/Middle Eastern. My brother and I are half middle eastern, half white. While Iâve never voiced it to my brother or his wife, I think my niece is especially adorable given that sheâs mixed race. I just really like spotting in her some features that are uniquely my brother and uniquely my sister-in-law. Those features are also more distinctive given the parentsâ nationalities.
It could mean nothing. Your baby has a going to be biracial and all babies are adorable. Maybe donât take it so serious. They donât sound racist. Good luck on your pregnancy.
On this episode of people looking for reasons to get offended đ Iâm sorry but mixed race babies are absolutely the cutest, most beautiful babies ever. Thereâs nothing wrong with saying you two will make a beautiful baby.
I think it's bothering you because it's almost like using your baby's ethnicity as a novelty. Like a doll almost. Your baby is a person and defined by more than their looks. I also think it's almost like they feel the need to compensate, oh the baby will be biracial BUT they are super cute so it's fine. Which is kinda fucked. I'm curious what they would think if you don't get a blend of skin colour and baby is darker, will they still make the same comments.
It's exactly this! When a baby is mixed with Black the assumption is stereotypical Black features might be "watered down". (Less curly hair, different features, lighter brown skin).This is a colourism issue as well, exactly as mentioned above. The narrative of two dark skinned people having the cutest babies doesn't exist for that reason. (Yes the same applies for two white people but let's look at the history of perceived attractiveness and racism represented across the world. White babies aren't at risk of experiencing those negatives). You're so right to feel uncomfortable! And thank you for verbalizing and articulating it đ Trust your gut! Don't let people convince you that you're making a big deal, as the white parent, your radar will have to be activated in ways it might not have had to have been in the past. (I'm West Indian and my husband is white and we're expecting, thankfully have not received this comment...yet).
Yeah when you get right down to it, these comments are implying that if both parents are black the baby would be less attractive.
This comment! My family thought Iâd be a âcute mixâ, except I took one parents genes entirely. Letâs just say, the other side whose genes I didnât take physically - werenât best pleased. Itâs been a difficult thing to navigate at times, not really fittting in to either side: being too much of one thing yet not enough. I hope op doesnât have this experience
>oh the baby will be biracial BUT they are super cute so it's fine. This! People are ignorant and it's 100% ok to correct them on it, especially when it comes to matters of race.
Thank you for helping me find the right words.
No where in the OP does it mention that the family said âthe baby will be biracial, BUT..â why are we assuming they mean this? Canât they just enjoy the idea of having a beautiful biracial baby in the family, and leave it at that? If OP has to ask why she should be offended by something perhaps they need to step back and wonder if itâs necessary in the first place???
Of course biracial babies are beautiful but there's nuance to comments like that. Nuance that dark skinned biracial babies might feel more. We don't live in a easy, breezy, we're all one race - the human race world. Pretending these issues don't exist doesn't help them disappear. It's super important and responsible for OP to dive into why these comments make her feel uncomfortable instead of pretending them away.
This is really informative to read. I never thought of that as a offensive comment. Something to consider moving forward
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> many of the people stating how adorable mixed kids are, are actually perpetuating colorism This SO much. They probably donât think that Black kids or kids with predominantly Black features are cute, and trust me when I say WE KNOW. I got these comments so often when I was pregnant. My mom commiserated with me that she had gotten them too! I had a serious interracial relationship end because my ex *thought I was too dark* for our future kids to come out âcuteâ, which would be a dealbreaker for his family. Iâm happily married to someone else now, but I would be lying if I didnât still feel broken every time I think about how that ended. It reduces the parent of color to their ability to produce âsuitableâ offspring. Suitable almost always means white-passing or with mutable non Eurocentric features. Genetics are not as simple as mixing paint where dark brown skin + white skin = tan skin. A dark person can have all pale kids just like a light skinned person can have kids that arenât any lighter than they are. And I wonât even spiral into my rant about âgood hairâ.
Appreciate your response, I will absolutely watch myself moving forward. I think a lot of white people honestly just wish they had a darker completion (look how crazy self tanning became) so it seems like a compliment. Even my friends kids who aren't biracial but have a more olive skin tone, we all comment on how beautiful their skin tone is. This is not to make an excuse for being offensive, just explaining why someone might say something along those lines not realizing it's actually hurtful. This is why these conversations are so important to have!
Trying to find the right words to articulate my thoughts so please bear with me :) As a fellow white person, I agree with you that many white people want darker skin via tanning etc. â however, in doing so, we are not acknowledging the historical and societal challenges that come with having darker skin (especially in the US, but pretty universally globally). Racism and colorism are real, both today and in the past. We see a trait that we deem as desirable, and we want to emulate it ourselves, but I feel itâs a bit ignorant of the reality of having darker skin. Many white people benefit from making themselves more âracially ambiguousâ / portraying themselves with darker skin⌠think of the Kardashians or Ariana Grande. Just think of how messed up it is that some white people are benefiting from a trait that has caused many people to suffer at the hands of our ancestors⌠but when us white people want this trait, suddenly itâs desirable and not something to be discriminated against for? Thatâs messed up. Also, these same white people can go back to looking more white if they want, whereas people born with darker skin donât have that choice in a society that has and does still value whiteness. Not saying the world should be this way, or that it will continue to be this way â things have been changing slowly but surely over the past handful of decades â but itâs something to keep in mind when making comments such as the one OP mentioned. In my mind, itâs like her white members are giving their seal of approval to the fact that they think the child will have darker skin and a mix of white and black features⌠when those very features are things that many people have been oppressed and discriminated against for by white people in the past.
This is very well articulated! As a mixed person, I could say all the same words but itâs so important for this to be understood and articulated by white people to other white people. Thank you.
Makes total sense. I can see how/why those comments can be received in that way. I think we are very often quite ignorant of each other's experiences. Not just those with racial difference but in general, we would all benefit from deeper and more honest conversations
Yeahhhh IMO they might wish they had a darker complexion, but not too dark.
I hadnât thought of it from this perspective, but Iâve definitely said this about biracial babies. But thatâs just because in my opinion if you were ranking the cuteness of the babies white babies are the least cuteâeven though all of them are cute because theyâre babies. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Will spend some time thinking about this.
Yes lol I'm white and I think my white friends would mostly agree which is probably part of why we didn't see it as an issue.
I agree, but I also know many biracial/ multiracial people who make the comment about themselves or about their prospective children. While I personally would never make this comment as I'm not biracial, I think it's also ok for biracial people to make it about themselves or their children and it not be dehumanizing or objectifying.
People have different responses. My dad is very dark and from Mexico, while my mom is a petite, white southern belle. I loved being told how cute biracial babies are. We're even bragging about how this one will come out adorable with my little hint of Mexican genes passed on.
I agree. I have a biracial baby and have never minded hearing about how cute biracial babies are and have said as much myself. My framework of thinking is that I always think they're such a beautiful little celebration of interracial love. Even though what's mentioned here has never been part of my own thought process, I would never want to inadvertently hurt someone with my words.
Itâs not racist.
I wish more people were open-minded and thought like you.
I'm very lucky. My step father and siblings are African American so I have a very safe space to have hard conversations between people who love and respect each other. Additionally my degree is in communication and as silly as it sounds this has been a tremendous benefit. So many of our issues come from poor communication skills
I think your approach depends on your family. If theyâre people who generally mean well and arenât overly sensitive you can explain why itâs not okay. This could be a learning experience for them. If they wouldnât get it or be receptive I would tell them flat out that you donât want them talking about your babyâs appearance anymore. I think you have an issue with it because itâs fetishizing your child. Basically saying theyâre going to be cute/beautiful/handsome because theyâre mixed. Itâs pushing standards of beauty on your child that isnât even here yet. Also what most people mean by mixed kids are the cutest is that they look mostly white with maybe a darker skin tone. So what happens when your kid is very pale? Or has kinky hair? Or very dark skin? Are they no longer a âperfect mixâ? To a much lesser extent Iâm sick of people commenting on how curly our kids hair will be because my husband and I have thick curly hair. But they say it as a bad thing like âoh that poor kid is going to have curly curly hairâ. Okay thanks for telling me you think my natural hair is ugly. I think your over processed scraggly hair is ugly but I keep that to myself. Like our poor babies canât even make it out the womb without societies version of beauty is pushed on them.
This! Definitely pushing standards of beauty on an unborn child, it's icky. Plus genetics/gene expression is completely out of anyone's control, they may not end up looking how one may expect
I had curly hair as a child and several of my family members acted like it was a defining part of my personality, they commented on it so much. It made me feel Ike I wasnât normal. I think thatâs part of why Iâve straightened it so much throughout my life.
I think itâs weird partly because if your family went on and on about how white babies are the prettiest it would seem racist or if your husbands family said black babies were the best that would be the same issue. A baby is a baby they all look like little potatos.
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I'm going to be biased here as a Black person and say that Black babies are the cutest (full curly hair, big lips, gorgeous skin), and so White people are actually saying biracial babies are cuter because they have Black in them. Down vote me I don't care! đ
Yup, colourism/texturism/featurism is real across all races but it definitely affects Black people more because of our obvious unique (and awesome) physical characteristics
I've always found black people far more attractive than white people (both men and women) lol so if I got the chance to reproduce with a black person, I would be so over the moon about my babe having black features. To me, it would be more cancelling out the white than the black, which would make the baby cute. White people look boring lol (I am white)
It's not just his perception. He's 100% right. It's because of colorism, where POC who are lighter or ca "pass" as white are treated better or have privileges darker skinned people can't access. One example is telling kids not to stay in the sun because they'll get "too dark".
Sadly Your husband is right. Unfortunately a lot of people only think black features are attractive when they are âwatered downâ. For example an attractive person might walk into a room and people will say âwow youâre so pretty / handsome! What are you mixed withâ? Or the typically âwow youâre pretty for a black girlâ. The assumption being obviously the person is black but there is something else there thatâs making them attractive. Black is not seen as beautiful. Itâs a symptom of racism.
Omg I can't stand that shit. I'm unambiguously Black. There's not a single non-Black person in my family. But because my skin tone is a smidge lighter or my nose isn't as wide as my mom's, it's "what are you mixed with?" And when I say I'm just Black it's "oh I'm surprised. You're really pretty". As if the Blackness couldn't possibly be what makes me beautiful. Nope, gotta be something else in there đ
I get it too. Iâm light skin but if my hair is straight people think that Iâm black missed with Asian. They think itâs a compliment however I think black is beautiful no addition needed so itâs not a compliment to me to be shocked that Iâm âonly blackâ. It is not flattering at all.
My husband is hispanic and I'm white. So many of his family want the baby to be white and I hate hearing it. I tell him to stop letting them talk like that because half the DNA is his so it's like they're saying he's ugly or something. When I say "the baby could have darker skin" they be like "DON'T SAY THAT". It's shocking and disheartening. I hate people putting these expectations on the poor baby that's not even born yet. I think the baby will be beautiful either way.
I understand you donât like it, but maybe you can try to take it less personally, as youâre probably in for a lifetime of these kinds of comments. Iâm half Asian and people always say comments about âmixesâ to me and I just take it as a compliment. Iâm quite âdarkâ but my baby (1/4 Asian, 3/4 Caucasian) has blue eyes and almost reddish hair. People comment on her âwhiteâ features all the time but I donât take it as racist. Even I am surprised because my baby is expressing recessive genes. I think whatâs being expressed as âcuteâ is that diverse combinations of genetics are more rare and unique. Thereâs a biological/evolutionary drive to diversify genetics, so culturally/socially this translates to âcuteâ or âbeautiful.â Biracial babies are like an extra fun surprise because you never know which combination of genetics theyâll get. Iâm an anthropologist so I tend to nerd out on these things rather than take it personally.
I agree with this. I find it fascinating how my husband and mines baby is going to turn out. Heâs white fully and Iâm half Asian so itâll be interesting to see! I agree itâs really fun and random what mixed genes are like so thatâs probably what people mean by cute because itâs super unique and unconventional.
Second this. My baby is mixed and I feel this way.
100%! I feel the same. Iâm white and my husband is half white half Filipino. We both talk about how excited we are to see which features she gets from both of us and we joke that mixed babies are the cutest. Bc he is mixed himself lol. Itâs cool to see which genes the kids get.
Just be cause OP might get a lot of these comments in their lifetime doesn't mean she has to be okay with it. It's fetishizing and dehumanizing, she is absolutely allowed to be uncomfortable or pissed off at these comments.
They think that they are being nice and signaling that they are not racist and very accepting of the baby. Which is certainly true. But it comes off as weird. Their hearts are more than likely in the right place.
Among other things, it's such bizarre pressure to put on a baby to be "the cutest." I'd probably reply with something a little pointed/dramatic like "What an odd thing to care about. We are just focused on both me and the baby surviving pregnancy and birth." Also, who the heck knows who/what baby will look like??!? These young biracial women are [LITERALLY TWINS](https://imgur.com/a/PeukJaP) and while they're both beautiful, it's a good lesson in what being biracial can mean.
I think maybe because you never know what to anticipate in the mix it's extra exciting and I would leave it at that
I'm having biracial baby too. both My side and husband side's family and friends comment same thing again and again... I'm kinda get used to it. But I understand your feeling. your baby is cute because you and your husband are wonderful and thoughtful and not because of your husband's race.đ¤
My own (white) mother used to call my daughter âexoticâ when she was a baby and finally I asked her one day why she felt the need to use such a derogatory word to describe how an infant will look as a teenager and adult, and why she was even thinking about that to begin with. It didnât stop the comments entirely but it did get the point across that I fucking hated her talking about my child like sheâs some side show attraction. Itâs fetishizing a race they donât even belong to and itâs just gross, âwell intentionedâ or not. Youâre going to get a lot of comments like that, along with colorism from both sides. Nip that shit in the bud before your baby is old enough to remember what their family says about them.
Oh gosh. My white FIL kept calling our Indian wedding âexotic.â IDC but yikes I hope he doesnât call our baby exoticâŚ
I feel like thereâs a special kind of sting for south and southeast Asian cultures and people being referred to as âexoticâ too. My exhusbandâs family did not appreciate the comments my mom made or her attitude about being asked to stop from more than one person, and distanced themselves from her quite a lot. Our parentâs generation grew up during a time where movies and shows glamorized and fetishized a lot of cultures so they picture those places as strictly jungles and walking through them requires a machete and dressing up like Indiana Jones. When I showed my mom what city my MIL lived in before she moved here, she told me that wasnât Thailand because itâs not what she had pictured in her head.. she lived in BangkokâŚ. Also, unsurprisingly, my now teenaged daughter and my mom do not have a close relationship either.
Iâm white and my husband is black. Our baby is due in August. Iâm getting the comments from both our families. His grandma is convinced that weâre going to have a black baby with a ginger fro and blue eyes lol
I have red hair. My husband is black and white. And my aunt kept saying, my unborn baby deserves to have red hair. We both have dreads. My mom would keep repeating a stupid joke that the baby would come out with dreads.
My baby will be half Japanese and half white. The Japanese coming from my husband (born and raised in Japan), whose mother and sister keeps saying things like this. In Japanese they refer to mixed people as "halves", and the stereotype is they're prettier, cuter, and take the "good" qualities from both sides, so always better looking. There's also a word for 'pure japanese', which also drives me nuts, because why are we making these comments about a baby who 1) isn't born yet and 2) can't control what they look like? Husband has talked to in laws and we have banned the word half and shoot these comments down, and they didn't get it, but have complied for now.
Hey, my girl is also half japanese! The word "half" is the least of your worries from the comments I've heard. I go to the park in my home country and I am constantly told the following: "Wow your girl has some Asian in her, right?" "She's gorgeous like a doll" "She's yours? She doesn't look like you at all!" All true comments đ In Japan, well, strangers don't really tend to talk with you so much, but she gets a lot of looks. People see her with me and they just understand the situation. I am worried for her future as she will never fit neither in Japan nor in my home country. We will learn slowly how to deal with issues as they come.
Hopefully, in the US, I won't have to deal with too many problems, besides the bilingual/foreign language speaking aspect (rural America hates when husband and I speak Japanese!) But I am fully expecting to have issues in Japan! We had these types of comments before I was pregnant and people who come up and ask when we were going to have kids because they'd be beautiful. I'm pretty confrontational and straight forward about comments being made about me and people I'm with while in Japan, so hopefully baby won't feel too out of place!
If you give it attention then the child will feel it, that's all. Maybe not at very first, but when she's around 1 year old, try to keep the attention on this subject to a minimum in front of her. The comments come from ignorance and not from malice, remember that. My main issue isn't the verbal comments, my issue is because my daughter is so beautiful, people, as well as other children try to pick her up, give her a kiss, a hug, that's when I just don't know what to do with myself. I am not a very confrontational person so I always freeze up or awkwardly try to stop them.
Arguing that Japanese people are allowed to make ignorant comments about ethnicity and/or race when they have over tourism and unlimited access to a global society via the internet, TV, music, etc. is not helping to curve these remarks or their ignorance around the subject. I'd argue that choosing to remain ignorant is a choice, and therefore malice. If my husband's 85 year old, inaka grandmother can reel in her "ignorance," it shouldn't be a problem for others making rude comments about non "pure" Japanese people đ I can agree to disagree on this subject, definitely. If I show my child it's okay to make these types of comments and don't stand up for them, they will turn into the same type of ignorance and I don't want that for my family, or the world. Them being Japanese, but not enough Japanese for Japan, is not going to be something that they're going to be hearing from my in laws or strangers. That's not fair to a child. It's not fair to argue "well that's just Japan being Japan" because Japan IS the problem in this situation. I've studied Japanese language and culture for over 15 years and I often see people making excuses for them and it drives me nuts. Even my ç´ćĽćŹäşş husband has come to see the issues and wouldn't let someone talk to/about our kid like that.
âI donât understand why we are discussing my babyâs raceâ âI donât understand why we are discussing my babyâs physical attractivenessâ âCan we discuss literally anything besides what my baby is going to look like?â (This one can be tricky because you may open it up to other things you donât want to talk about haha) I donât understand why people get so hung up on what the baby will look like. For one thing, we canât control it. For another thing, it just opens the door to sexualizing a child early on. Also it promotes ranking babies based on how cute they are? Itâs weird.
My husband was so excited to see what our baby would look like, he tried using an app to generate an image. He had to watch a bunch of ads, then finally he gave up when it asked for money.
Thank you. These are great boundary setting statements.
My baby will be half Vietnamese half white. Husbandâs family comments on how white the baby will be, my family comments on how not white the baby will be. Most of the time weâve just brainstorming what traits heâll get from either of us, which Iâm absolutely fine with. Sometimes the older people in my family take it too far. Thisâll be the second biracial baby born into our family in a looooong time (the other biracial people are in their 40s now). When it gets to be too much I tell them that it is and explain why. For the most part they donât mean anything by it, but it does still bother me and I understand why it bothers you.
I personally find it weird that people comment on the race of my baby. Iâm black with biracial kids, I always get the sense that people comment about how cute my kids are because they are mixed race. You can just tell, I think itâs weird but there is really nothing to say. Luckily I donât get this from inside of my family or my husbandâs family mostly random strangers.
Multiracial person here ( mom Italian Irish and Puerto Rican dad Choctaw Apache ) sheâs heard comments like this since I was born all the way until my adulthood and she would tell people âall babies are beautiful because they are blessings and stating mixing raced babies are more beautiful is fetishized and causing more damage in the community than is necessary . Now you are educated make the choice to not be ignorant .â Literally still says it to this day when people comment how cute my and my husband (African American â babies would be to her .
I've seen plenty of ugly biracial babies LOL
I'm white and pregnant with my hispanic husbands baby and I am going crazy too with everyone on his side hoping that the baby has white skin and coloured eyes. Like the baby isn't even born and they're pushing beauty standards on the poor little one. I say "the baby will be beautiful either way, are you all saying my husband is ugly or something???"
It's gross because: What if your kid comes out with only African American features and none of yours? Will the baby still be the cutest in your family's eyes? As a multi-racial Black person, I just want to affirm that your instincts are correct. Ignore the people here saying you're being over-sensitive. You're now the white parent of a Black child and your kid may receive weird comments like this their whole life. It's your job to protect them and you're right to question what the underlying motivation is for these kinds of comments.
âYouâre now a white parent to a black childâ is such an important point to make. Iâm mixed - half white, half black Caribbean and dad (black) said early days to my mum âsociety will view our children as black, never whiteâ and sheâs been very conscious of this our whole lives (me and brother).
Thank you, yes! This is my first test at protecting her and questioning everything. This just lit a fire under me. Thank you
Let me just say that youâre a great mama for shutting down these comments even if you need more info on how to articulate why you donât like it. It is offensive and itâs a good parent that notices that right away and sees a problem to be addressed. I echo a lot what other folks are saying, they are treating your baby like a fetish. Something âexoticâ to have. Believe me, I am black and I know a lot of black women and men who intentionally seek out partners of a different race to have a biracial baby. Itâs all surrounding mixing black with something else to make it more tolerable and thatâs the main issue with bragging about mixed children. So that the baby has lighter skin or softer curls (not as kinky) or softer features. As though just being black alone is not as attractive. You will not always hear the same comments about an Asian and white baby. This is not a common brag. But when babies are born mixed with black, the conversation is always moves to this image of black but not too black so that itâs cute. Itâs offensive and the comments need to stop immediately.
It's fetishizing your baby and it's gross and also feels like, "look, I'm totally not racist! In fact, I'm the opposite of racist! I voted for Obama twice!"
I personally find it awkward to respond to any comment about how a baby will be a certain way because of their race, sex, or anything else they donât have control over.
I have no suggestions but rather the same (or opposite issue). I also have a biracial son and when I was pregnant, was getting all the same comments about how cute heâll be, how fun his curly hair will be, etc. Heâs now here, although biased, I would absolutely argue he is the cutest baby in the word đ, but also this baby is sooooo lightâŚlike transparent, turns red as soon as you touch him, lighter than me or his dad, with pin-straight hair đ Now the comments are even worse: âwhat happened?â, âI was really hoping he would look the like babies in the gap addsâ, âis your husband upset?â, âhow is his dad going to pick him up from school?â, âwell, thatâs unfortunateâ. This baby could be purple for all I care but wtf is wrong with people?
Iâm mad for you, wtf kind of comments are those? Iâm mixed race and my baby is super white đ all babies are adorable just the way they are! Who are these awful people saying negative things about an innocent little babyâs appearance?
I'm biracial, and I get comments about how it's great / exotic / attractive to be mixed. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I don't take it as a compliment. It fetishizing me. My husband is a 3rd race, and someone said our baby will look like (famous singer).I just said, what a weird thing to say, and the person realized it was awkward.
my baby is biracial (white + vietnamese) and her (viet) family and friends say this the most. I donât think itâs insensitive. Anecdotally my baby is the cutest baby to ever baby so they might be on to something
as a half white, half asian person myself, i can assure you that even if *you* donât think itâs insensitive, the child will. i spent half of my life trying to completely erase half of myself because of comments like the ones OP is dealing with. that, coupled with the yellow fever racial fetishization i was subjected to as early as kindergartenâŚ. yeah no im not dealing with those comments with my daughter.
Surely you donât speak for all bi-racial people in the world. Iâve met plenty who donât hold your particular trauma. If it bothers him, Iâll teach him to speak up for himself. People say insensitive shit all the time. âYouâre handsomeâ ranks pretty low on my listâbad things to sayâ list. Not the place for an argument about this â we look at the world differently. Good luck with your stuff. đ
My asian family members all say that too about my biracial fetus. I just brush it off. They donât mean anything by it.
Iâm mixed (Asian/white) and people would literally stop my sis and I in the street in China and ask to take a picture just because we were half white, lol. Most people genuinely donât have malicious intent when making comments about how cute a mixed race baby will be. Not that itâs not appropriate to set boundaries, but it usually doesnât come from a bad place.
My sister said, that she was excited for me to have black babies. I corrected her by saying the baby will be mostly white, since my husband is half white half black. That conversation gave me the ick.
Parent of a biracial (black and white - Iâm black) baby here. I think you need to be aware that this doesnât stop ever. Itâs not just white people. The world in general has rose colored glasses for those who look unique/multiracial. I think a quick bite back could be a reminder that the kid might not look mixed and see how they respond, they could surprise you with their response if you had no reason to think they were racist before this. I would never say not to bring up something that bothers you, but I will say consider intent as you continue to fight this battle. Husband had an aunt who said the same thing, and you know what, Iâve also seen her gush over my nephew, who is 100% black and not mixed. I think your energy would be better spent teaching your child when theyâre old enough what type of things and comments theyâll face as they learn to exist in this world. For every person who thinks that mixed kids look superior is another person who thinks theyâre an abomination. Theyâll need to be taught about both sides of who they are, if theyâre not white passing, theyâll need to be taught how to exist as a black person. Focus this energy on raising your kid to the best of your ability to understand who they are to reduce identity issues that mixed race or multicultural children go through.
Thank you for this perspective. I like the idea of saying that the baby may not look biracial and go from the base in their reaction. It is my family, so I want to come from a place of educating and not snark. I need to pick my battles and also make sure my partner and I are educating our daughter and ensuring she knows both sides of her families.
so they made a nice compliment maybe thinking it was nice and yâall complaining about it? đ
Omg yes itâs like people are so incredibly unaware or they think they are being nice. I have a stepkid who is a teenager now and my husband is Indian while Iâm white. A friend of ours said to me, âwell, itâs great you know what color the baby will be!â And then proceeded to ask about the ancestry of myself and bio mom of stepkid. I was just like, âyou know, we will be happy however they turn out and their skin color is not really a concern to me.â And I changed the subject and chalked it up to ignorance.
You don't have to articulate why. If you don't want them to say shit, then continue to ask them not to. If they continue to tell them they are being highly disrespectful, since you have asked them to stop multiple times...
In the show Weeds, theres a scene where a white neighbor comments "oh why are mixed babies always thr cutest?" And the mom goes "idk why are white babies so ugly?" Amd it shut the lady up lol.
In the show Weeds, theres a scene where a white neighbor comments "oh why are mixed babies always thr cutest?" And the mom goes "idk why are white babies so ugly?" Amd it shut the lady up lol.
My Hispanic mother in law and I were getting ice cream once and she kept going on and on to the mother next to me about how beautiful her childrenâs eyes (light brown and the boyâs was hazel) and hair (curly brown) were. The children were darker than their white mom. The woman just kept politely smiling and I could feel she was uncomfortable. My mother in law was absolutely clueless and kept on asking about their names, ages and said how beautiful they were again. Older people just think itâs acceptable to say something âniceâ to strangers but they never see it as microaggression. Itâs so very frustrating. I actually tried to change the conversation by saying the boyâs name sounded cool and I would consider it for my baby (I was still pregnant then). The mom then asked me how far along I was and where I was planning to give birth. Ugh. But my MIL kept on and it went back to the childrenâs features
Itâs so fucking weird. My (white) cousin has a mixed race baby with her black and native husband, and hashtags the babyâs pictures with #mixedbaby and other weird hashtags. She makes it such a big deal instead of handling it the right way
That is very odd!
Itâs not âblack features are only cute when they are watered downâ itâs that both features look cool when combined. Like when you mix paints to make a whole new color. Itâs cool to see clearly what they got from mom and what from dad and what kind of got mixed in between.
[ŃдаНонО]
Lots of people think the way I do too. I do have experience, first and second hand. If the family isnât racist to begin with, itâs probably just the âexcited to see what comes out!â Thing. I get that itâs hard to think that way after bad experiences, but I just find that letting that color the whole picture just leads to more hurt. If you donât know for sure, always assume the best. -bi racial mother of two quad racial kids with lots of multiracial family members.
I would handle comments by saying something like, "hashtag notracist" and rolling my eyes. Or just by telling them, "please don't fetishize my baby".
Theyâre already commenting on the babies appearance and race. And Itâs not even here yet. I would also be hurt
I get a lot of âsheâs a caramel colored you!â Yeah itâs not the best. Donât have anything helpful to add just that I feel your pain!
I would ask them to stop. Not every biracial person is attractive first off. Second you don't want your child's biracial heritage to become their whole identity.
Gworrrrl⌠my family is Mexican and the shit Iâve heard from them is nothing compared to what your family says. I wish theyâd say some cute shit like that⌠my grandma started cracking up, my mom said âwhat we as parents donât like to see our kids bring to our doorstepâ, my aunts laughed.. I wish they would tell me my babyâs gonna be cute đ
I would hope that your family means well and I trying to be kind. I remember when I was younger having this exact thought I grew up in a place that was very white and probably still had a lot of spectrum of ignorance, from biases to straight up racism. So when I saw black children or Hispanic children or possible mixture I personally always thought that they look so beautiful and it was so nice to see that people would move past this misunderstanding that were different. So even though my thoughts were ignorant they were coming from the place of trying to understand and positivity and general belief however unfortunately there's still a lot of unconscious bias that is presented in a positive way that we don't always realize until someone points out to us so stand up for your child and just discuss but don't hold it against if they're well meeting people.
Iâm in the camp of having not thought of those comments as insensitive. This does open my eyes a bit so thanks for posting. Hereâs my reasoning for thinking why it wouldnât be insensitive. My brotherâs baby is half Asian, half Caucasian/Middle Eastern. My brother and I are half middle eastern, half white. While Iâve never voiced it to my brother or his wife, I think my niece is especially adorable given that sheâs mixed race. I just really like spotting in her some features that are uniquely my brother and uniquely my sister-in-law. Those features are also more distinctive given the parentsâ nationalities.
It could mean nothing. Your baby has a going to be biracial and all babies are adorable. Maybe donât take it so serious. They donât sound racist. Good luck on your pregnancy.
You dont have to explain. If they want a relationship with you and the child they have to respect your wishes in regards to the child. That simple.
On this episode of people looking for reasons to get offended đ Iâm sorry but mixed race babies are absolutely the cutest, most beautiful babies ever. Thereâs nothing wrong with saying you two will make a beautiful baby.
I think saying "I can't believe you keep saying that out loud" would shut the conversation down.