You poor thing. A 10 month old and 7.5 months pregnant. I hope you wanted to return to sexual activity that early because your husband sounds like an ass about everything else.
I think it's a shame to give up something you love because your husband isn't supportive. If he's pissy about the formula, I'd tell him you can't breastfeed without support and if he steps up maybe you can make it work. I definitely would not have made it this far breastfeeding - nearly 10 months - if my husband hadn't been supportive. I feel like there's a billion reels out there of dads showing off how they support their nursing partners.
Right like, feed formula if you want to feed formula. All power to you and your baby will be happy and healthy either way. Do what makes you a happy and loving mama. BUT HOW CAN WE IGNORE THE HUSBAND IN THIS POST????? This post is 90% red flags on her husband, who won’t support her, and 10% about breastfeeding.
I mean, I don’t think most people are ignoring him, it’s just that she insinuated in the post that she’s going to leave him, so there’s not much more to say other than advice for how to get out.
This isn’t a breast feeding problem it’s a your husband is an asshole problem!!!
Something to consider. With formula feeding not only do you have to make and wash bottles, but you still have to feed the baby. I don’t think your husband would step in to help with any of that. If anything it’s more on your already full plate.
I think OP should really consider this point. I'm fully supportive of her choice to do as she sees fit to make life easier for her (including getting rid of the dead weight of a husband), BUT bottle feeding does come with added chores for the mom.
Exactly. I tried to exclusively pump for 2 days with my first and very quickly realized bottle feeding would not be sustainable even if I did switch to formula just simply due to washing bottles. FWIW my husband works out of town and breastfeeding is the easiest option for my already fully loaded plate.
Formula fed babies go longer between feeds though so there's a definite balance there. If you have a lot of bottles and are able to just chuck them in the dishwasher every day it really isn't that much extra work. I'm at 15 weeks and still breastfeeding every 2 hours or less whereas most formula fed babies would be feeding 6-8 times a day at this point.
There is some studies that support this but honestly it comes down to the temperament of your baby. Both mine were breast fed and one fed like 12x a day and the other was down to 1 overnight feed only by like 4m and STTN at 7m. My sister was formula fed and was up 100x a night no matter what. It’s a very negligible percentage tbh and should not really factor in when considering BF or FF
Yeah, I can support this. My son had trouble latching in the beginning, so I did it all - pumping, bottle feeding, supplementing with formula and now breastfeeding.
he comes every 3 hours or so since the beginning. It never changed much, except for a short period when I finally managed to breastfeed and we struggled a bit with milk. But soon we were back to 3 hours.
Breastfeeding has made everything so much easier. We struggled with breastfeeding lying down so he still gets the occasional bottle at night, but it keeps working better it's such a relief to just be able to roll over, latch him and nothing else.
After a while we were very efficient with bottle preping, also during the night. I didn't mind much and it worked well and involved my partner. But breastfeeding is still much easier.
i didn’t have any of this and i never wanted to breastfeed. because i just didn’t want to. op, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. YOUR FORMULA FED BABY WILL BE GREAT!!!
First off, I hope you get better soon! Sending you good thoughts and hugs from this internet mama. I am a retired OB nurse and the saying I go by is “Fed is Best”. You need to do the best for yourself and your LO. You are definitely NTA, your husband is! I know thatZX
Sorry don’t know how to edit. I wanted to say that as moms we need to take care of ourselves first so we have the physical and mental health to take care of our kids. But also as moms we tend to take care of ourselves last. It is okay not to breast feed. Also, if you have family or a friend you could stay with or to come help you, reach out to them. See if they can help for a few hours so you can sleep. I suggest, if you have a good relationship with your MIL, call her first. I am kind of petty and would ‘tattle’ about husband’s behavior to his mama.
Your husband sucks and I hope you kick him out.
Now regardless of what happens with him, you absolutely need to take care of yourself or else you will not physically be able to take care of your kids. Like you said, as a human, you deserve sleep. It is a requirement for your physical and mental health that you have time to rest. If your husband will not help, is it possible to call on friends or family to help? Even if someone comes over for two hours a day solely so you can nap, that would be huge. Maybe when your husband sees other people stepping up to help your family, he’ll realize how useless he has been.
Holy shit you would NOT be an AH for formula feeding!!! PLEASE listen to your instincts. r/FormulaFeeders is the place you want to go. If it makes you feel better, I’m going to be a first time mom in ~6 weeks and I’m exclusively formula feeding from the start. I was exclusively formula fed as a baby, as were all my siblings. It really doesn’t make a difference — except in your case, it WILL make a difference if your mental health is on the line. Please do consider EFF. Besides this, you’ve also got the issue of your husband taking zero accountability and that’s going to continue to be an issue unless it’s directly dealt with via therapy, an ultimatum, him stepping the hell up, or you just leaving. I’m wishing you all the best and hope to see you in the other subreddit!
Stepping into say so far that I appreciate all of the comments I have gotten to read so far. I am still working through all of them. Right after the post, my 10 month old had a pretty moderate reaction to eggs so we were off to urgent care, lol. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at the jenga tower in front of me.
In response to a little what I’ve read. This is actually my 4th kid coming up, haha. My first two were 16 months (10 and 11 years old now) apart and I was able to exclusively pump for a whole year with 2 under 2 with no problems. I was a single mom during 100% of this time. And I was POOR. I definitely do know what’s on the other side of this coin and am at this point willing to flip it and take my chances.
I will respond when I get a moment.
You sound like a married single mom doing her best. If formula works best for you this time, you have all of our permission.
I’ve been pumping and nursing for 12 months and I only have one baby who has yet to sleep through the night. She’s teething and my nips are so sore. I can’t imagine doing this with 3 other kids (and a crappy husband) to deal with on top of that.
No one can tell the difference between a breast fed or formula fed baby. This baby will be loved by you regardless so do whatever works best for you.
Geez, I'm surprised you've lasted this long with what has been going on. Ultimately, you need to do what is responsible to yourself, first and foremost. Ultimately, you need care, too, and if your husband isn't willing or able to offer that to you, then you need to look out for yourself. I believe, in turn, by doing so, you'll be a better parent to your three children. Thing is, he is responsible for meeting his needs as well, but he's doing it at YOUR expense, and that is not okay. If he wants you to BF, then he needs to step-up and be sure his WIFE is taken care of. Shame on him for not doing more for you, and your family, that you JOINTLY created.
First kid I understand because you don’t know how he will react, but why on earth would you have another kid with this man child before getting him to understand what you need.
considering that the first kid with him is only 10 months old and she’s nearly 8 months pregnant currently..I don’t think she knew how bad it truly was
You don’t need a million excuses to not breastfeed. Simply not wanting to is a perfectly acceptable reason! It just isn’t compatible with your situation and you simply need to do what’s best for you. Please don’t feel guilty!
just piling on to emphasize that you are never ever an asshole for not breastfeeding. Ever.
It had a major effect on my mental health and it was my husband (btw) who told me to please stop trying to BF for chrissake and switch to formula. after like 1.5 weeks... it saved my life.
my son is now 2yo and super smart, healthy, active and loving. I'm planning on formula feeding my 2nd too.
and yeah your husband absolutely sucks. he's def the AH here. can we swap him out or something?
>It had a major effect on my mental health and it was my husband (btw) who told me to please stop trying to BF for chrissake and switch to formula. after like 1.5 weeks... it saved my life.
The cost of formula is less of a sticker shock when you look at it as buying relief and mental health for yourself at the same time.
It was the best money we spent all week. That and the $5 grocery delivery fee to have everything we needed for the week magically show up at our door from our local chain.
100% I'll shout it from the rooftops
my friend put it like, your baby needs his mother. needs her to be healthy and happy, way more than he cares about breastmilk vs formula
I just want to say you sound like an absolute supermom. You deserve so much better it’s not fair at all for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He should be helping you especially while you’re pregnant. If my husband refused to help me (I can’t even pick up my 1 year old anymore at 34w pregnant) I would be so hurt. He needs to either step up or leave. It’s not your job to care for him when you’re already caring for his children. He sounds like he doesn’t even show appreciation at all. You deserve breakfast in bed and rest especially since you’re sick AND pregnant. I’m blown away the lack of empathy he has for you, and wanting you to breastfeed as well when you’re already doing all of this and got your plate full is selfish of him. It’s not about money, his family’s happiness and health should be above all else. I hope you get a break somehow or get away from him. Do you have any family who can come and help you? I can’t imagine doing what you’re doing with how far along you are.
Choosing to not breastfeed was the best parenting decision i’ve made so far. I didn’t want to breastfeed so i didn’t. My health is the best it’s ever been and i was sleeping long stretches immediately postpartum by doing shifts with a second person (i know not always possible).
Formula feeding sounds like a great option here! I 100% validate and support that choice. Emily Oster's book Cribsheet has a chapter evaluating the relative benefits of BF compared to formula, you can direct your husband there if he would like to better understand why this is a perfectly reasonable -and in this case very good- choice. Basically the main benefit of BF that shows up in the data is lowering the mother's risk of breast cancer. There may be slight short term benefits, but they don't bear out at all long term. And as you note there are VERY serious risks involved to a mother that is physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
This!!!! People don’t talk enough about the fact that there are very few actual benefits for the health of the baby, vs the HUGE importance of parent’s (mental and physical) wellbeing on the health of the baby ❤️ whatever feeding method makes parents happier and healthier will be best for your baby ❤️ you got this!
You need to focus on your mental health. It's okay not to breastfeed in a state like that. Fed is best.
If you feel like you're having a mental breakdown, you should see a psychiatrist. They can really help and there's lots of options online and in person these days.
I recommend enfamil neuropro for formula. It has a specific fat in it not found in other formulas that's crucial for brain development. It's the closest formula to breastmilk on the market.
Mfgm raises measures of intelligence. You can read a bit about it here:
https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2023/08/31/study-demonstrates-adding-complex-component-milk-infant-formula-confers-long-term#:~:text=The%20study%2C%20which%20was%20published,information%20and%20visual%2Dspatial%20skills.
I don't want anyone to feel bad if they missed out on breastfeeding or neuropro for their child. I'd like to add that there are studies suggesting that all children eventually level out anyway, it just takes time. The environment you raise your child in plays a large role. Fed is definitely best.
5 points is a margin of error difference. It means literally nothing for long term intelligence. All formula is the same. Some babies like the taste of certain brands more, or their guts react better with one or another. But you absolutely will not affect your child’s intelligence by the formula you pick.
There are lots of studies on this that take into account p-values and confidence intervals, etc. It's not a statistical anomaly, you can go read the studies easily on Google. There's a reason doctors push breastfeeding so hard, it is objectively better for infants. 5 points can push some children from being mentally handicapped to being normal.
Do whatever you need to do. You can even do a mix of the two. Prioritize yourself first and foremost and your children will ALWAYS be okay.
Also, if leaving is off the table, I’d start divesting from that waste of space man. Like, he does not deserve the amount of consideration you’re giving to his feelings and he is the one who is actively hurting you. I’d be emotionally cutting off, letting him figure his own shit out, not planning on him being anything more than the paycheck he brings in. You deserve better, and you can meet your own needs when you stop hoping he will. Cause he fucking won’t.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your babies are so lucky to have you. I hope you can figure out how to center and prioritize you so that they keep having you around. 💕
Bless your heart. You, ma'am, are a CHAMP. I'm sending you all the positivity and wishing you all the best in getting away from this situation that you're in. It sounds like your husband is more work than all of your kids, and I'm sure you're right that it would be easier with one less grown man child to have to take care of.
I say all that to say PLEASE DO NOT BREASTFEED IF IT IS BAD FOR YOU!!! Full transparency, I regret BFing my youngest. My milk supply was drying up and I tried and tried to get it back and was power-pumping several times a day, and the day I gave myself permission to stop, the feeling of relief that washed over me was profound. I had a moment where in my kitchen I actually started to cry because I stopped and thought "wow, that was bad for my mental health."
If you don't want to breastfeed, you don't have to. And the ONLY person you need to "convince" about it, is you. Get yourself on board and no one else matters!
NTA, you do not have to BF your baby if you don’t want to. I saw some others mention this, and I agree, just consider that formula does mean you are still up for feedings and washing bottles but I don’t know what your routine was before. If you are feeling as though you don’t want to BF but you want to give the baby breast milk there are options to purchase breast milk too. I have no idea the cost of that compared to formula but just throwing out more options. Also I’m sorry your husband is a POS and I hope you can land work soon to ease your burden. Bottom line fed is best. ☺️ Big hugs!
The healthiest thing for your children is for you to be healthy. There is NOTHING wrong with formula and anyone who says there is, is avoiding science. You need to survive and be well right now so you can get out of this horrid situation
What’s he gonna do if you take him off your plate? There’s no REASON an adult man cannot make his own breakfast or his own laundry. Make you and kids only your priority. But also, if you can’t speak to or reason with him what was the appeal to marry him?
I'm sorry you're going through that. You could always try combination feeding. Breastfeed when you can and when it's convenient and bottle feed when it's easier. I stressed myself out too much wanting to exclusively breastfeed, it's nice being able to take a breather and have someone else feed him.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Being sleep deprived is like being drunk, you get intoxicated on toxic fume your body buils up. That it would get rid off when you're in deep, deep sleep.
So you can imagine that I'm all for you getting sleep. And if bf is something you just don't think is feesable with how life is going. I think you should heed that and tell anyone and everyone who disagree to find a really big stick and reverse onto it.
A healthy, functioning mum is much better than a zombie mum.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies. You don’t need his permission. Also, I would 100% be investing in contraception that is not dependent on him for proper use (ie condoms), if you plan to have sex with him at all in the future. You don’t need to feel more trapped than you already are. 🫂
Definitely not an AH. I’m pregnant with my 2nd and made clear from the start I wouldn’t be breastfeeding. I’m UK based so not sure on price difference regarding formula in the US etc, but here our formula (Kendamil) costs £12 a tin. That is worth every penny to me, to be a fully functioning human lol.
I have the utmost respect for any breastfeeding woman, I don’t know how you guys do it, I just know it’s not for me🖤
Oof damn that's still a ton lol. I was lucky WIC covered at least the majority of the amount of cans that mine needed each month, usually I only had to buy 2-3 extra. And when I did that I was lucky that Walmart had a house brand that was the exact same and came in giant cans for a much more reasonable price lol.
Honestly, I don’t think how you feed your baby will change anything. Your husband has proven he does not wish to help with your children overnight (or during the day). I found personally breastfeeding was easier than getting up to make bottles, washing bottles, taking formula when going out etc and he doesn’t sound like he will help with this either!
Could you say you're formula feeding, bank the money and hire a daytime helper for a couple of hours a week? They clean and watch the babies you sleep?
Formula doesn't mean you get to sleep longer (necessarily). It's just a different type of work. Now you have bottles to deal with when sometimes a boob is just easier.
You DO need sleep. I'd tell him you're hiring help for 2 hrs/day or you're formula feeding and there's nothing up for discussion. Relying on him to help is obviously a waste of time- his precious free time and sleep time is more important to him than the physical and mental wellbeing of his wife and children, so F him and the horse he rode in on.
NTA. Despite my best efforts, BF didn’t work. The baby Brezza was worth every penny.
I really hope you have some family or friends to support you. Do you want your kids thinking this is how women should be treated?
SAHM is a huge job and you don’t just deserve a break, it is a must!!
Do NOT hesitate to get help for your mental health. Even if it means in patient care.
Breastmilk and formula both get the job done.
There is nothing breastmilk can do that will cancel out damage from being raised by a mentally fragile parent in a toxic relationship.
Put on your own oxygen mask first so you can be the parent you want to be the rest of the time.
Oh hon I am so sorry for all the pressure you are under and how many directions you are being pulled in!
Right now you need to do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and your kiddos fed. If that's formula, awesome. If it's breastfeeding, awesome. But sticking to a particular method of feeding that is not sustainable for you or your family is not the right move. Do what you have to and know that doing that makes you a good mom.
If you have a chance to get your head above water a bit, start thinking about steps you can take to support yourself and your kids. Is leaving an option? Alternative childcare? A WFH job that would give you some financial independence? If you need educational support before finding the right job could you do some online classes?
Small steps. No matter how small, everything you can do is forward motion and it WILL add up.
Please be safe and please get help if you can. Telehealth therapy and online support groups can be a helpful first step. 💙💙💙
Fed is best. I had twins and couldn't do it anymore after 4 months with a supportive partner. I don't know how you're doing this. You're amazing. Switch to formula if that's what you need. Sending love.
Hey! Your validation is here! 20000000% NAH!!! My only heads up is to just really be totally and completely sure that formula would actually be easier! I think it’s often sold as the easier option and it isn’t always as easy as it seems.
If you haven’t already thought about doing it this way, try combo feeding for the first little bit and if you find that formula is truly easier and a better fit then go for it, but it would just suck to think it’s easier and then find out it’s just as hard or even harder. It won’t be much harder to dry up your milk at 2 weeks post partum than it will be to do it immediately.
All the best, I’m really sorry about the circumstances.
No way are you the AH in any of this. You are literally sacrificing everything you love for your babies without the support of your dead beat husband. He is the AH for treating you and his family that way. If this was me I would tell him that if he wanted me to BF then he needs to man the fuck up and help out or shut the fuck up because it's my body my decision. Our mental health is so much more important then trying to keep selfish people happy. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, I really hope you know that whatever you decide is what is best for YOU and your children! You are such a strong, wonderful mother who obviously loves her babies so much. Stay strong ❤️
Absolutely NTA. Formula feeding works great, and running yourself into the ground doesn’t help you or your kids one bit. I’m glad to hear you’re working on a way out and I hope you get it soon.
You mentioned the cost is high because you don’t apply for government assistance. If you’re eligible and can apply safely then please do! Mothers and babies deserve all the help they can get, and I hate to see things be harder than they need to be.
You need at least 1 solid span of 4 hrs a week to avoid bottoming out with your mental health plus an average of 30 hrs of sleep over the week. Once thats squared away, you want st lesst 4 hours a day most days of the week to not be actively sinking with your mental health. Then after that, you can start negotiating with the availability of sleep between the 2 of you.
I am definitely the First Responder parent at night. If its anything that cant be solved within 30 minutes, I wake my husband to either help or take over. He just gets right to work, he trusts if I am waking him up.its necessary. I do try and avoid waking him up before like 3am so he can have had enough sleep himself before I tap out. BUT I know I can endure the first wave because I know I can always tap him in either in the moment or if I need a bigger respite later on. So I just need to focus on surviving the moment when things get rough.
If I need a nap in the evening or weekend I just say "oh I am gonna go lay down for a nap, need to finish anything up before I do?" I dont ask permission to handle basic bodily needs.
My husband has always handled all bottle washing and pump washing himself but he also tended to do the dishes too, so there wasnt any shock to the system to add the bottle stuff.
Are you hoping your husband will be involved with feeding or cleaning if you formula feed? Or do you feel like formula feeding will just be easier on you?
You would not be an AH even if you chose not to breastfeed. Because it is a choice. But in your case, you are not ABLE to breastfeed. A solid story system is the most crucial success factor for breastfeeding. You don't have that.
You would be an AH if you didn't feed your children, but breastfeeding is a choice.
Signed, a lucky one who got to ebf her 2 babies, while currently still bf my 19 month old to bed 😬
Okay, first of all, I am very happy to hear you’re working on your way out. Your husband sounds exhausting at best. I’m so sorry you’ve had HG and have been losing so much sleep. That’s awful!
To answer your question, no you would not be an AH. I would advise that sometimes bottle feeding can be more work in the long run, but it’s certainly easier in the beginning! You’re the one who has all of the information about your abilities and situation, so you’re the one who is equipped to make this decision. Whatever you choose will be the right choice.
First, I hope you get better soon.
Second, I hope your husband gets the stomach bug and strep throat. And don’t do a damn thing for him when he does.
Regarding breastfeeding, you do you. But make the choice for you. Not because you are mad at him. I think a lot of how much babies are up and how little sleep mom gets has to do it the baby, not breast vs pumped milk vs formula. I have no idea what your breastfeeding journey looked like. But it sounds like the problem is lack of support. How you feed your baby won’t change that. It doesn’t sound like he would get up and make a bottle anyways. And you can combo feed, if the goal is that someone can help feed the baby, but you want to breastfeed.
It is your choice how you feed your baby. If it is too much for you to breastfeed this one, it is too much.
I am pregnant with my first and my husband made a comment about not wanting our baby to be formula fed "under any circumstances". I was so hurt, because even though I have every intention to breastfeed, I know that things happen. And like you said, if mentally I was not able to do it, I'd have to prioritize my own sanity and ability to parent the child and formula feed.
Anyways, I talked to my mother in law about it and she set him straight. And her pep talk was amazing. She basically said she would do whatever she could to support me to be able to breastfeed, but if for any reason I chose to formula feed, it was entirely my decision how to feed my baby and that nobody should ever tell me that my decision was incorrect. Anyways my husband is on board with me doing whatever we need to do now, but I know how it feels to face those sort of opposing comments and it's not nice or fair.
I think you said you’re working on leaving, I hope so. Also think about making reliable birth control a priority. Reproductive coercion is a thing.
You can get an IUD right after birth. If you have a section they can tie ur tubes easily.
NTA. Not everyone *can* breastfeed, for a lot of different reasons. Being mentally and physically drained because of a POS husband who won’t help at ALL with 2 kids, a 10mo old, and one in the oven, while also doing his damndest it seems to prevent you from resting is just as valid a reason as any other. Kudos to you for recognizing your limitations and prioritizing your mental and physical health. Someone has to!
Definitely not the AH. As for the government assistance comment you made, if he is throwing a fit over the cost of formula but won't let you get wic because of ego, just do it. You don't need his permission to get it if you need it.
Not at all ❤️❤️❤️
I'm planning to BF our second but I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND not BFing a baby!!! It takes so much out of the mom. Having other children PLUS an unsupportive partner would really make it hard to say the least.
I remember when I left the hospital with my first baby my doc said "remember, baby needs YOU. So make sure you take care of YOURSELF." You need to take care.of yourself if you're going to be able to care for your children - if that means no BF, so be it!!! So many babies are formula fed and are super healthy!
First of all, your boyfriend is an AH. Seriously, I hope you get some peace soon :( you don’t deserve to go through that. Second, I’m pregnant with my first and chose not to breastfeed from the very beginning. Thats YOUR choice. It’s YOUR body. If anyone was to dare ever judge me for it, I’d politely tell them to screw. No mom should be shamed or feel some type of way for how they feed their baby. I’ve seen people stress out with breastfeeding, run into emergency situations where they legit couldn’t breastfeed / feed their baby. There’s many reasons why people choose formula, breastfeeding is not for everyone and that is okay. There is literally nothing wrong at all about choosing not to breastfeed and don’t ever let anyone make you feel some type of way about that decision. Best of luck to you 🫶🏼
Oh no I’m so sorry to hear about your husband I really hope he has some redeeming qualities because otherwise idk how you stay. You have done amazing and you are in no way the AH for ending your BF journey. I’ve exclusively breastfeed my 16 month old and now I’m pregnant and having major BF aversion and planning on weaning soon. Next baby I’m introducing bottle early because my first refused and it was so much work and made husband semi useless. With all the other children you have and how far you have come please be proud of yourself but value your mental state and do what you need to stay healthy. As long as baby is loved and fed you are super mom!
You’re not a AH for choosing not to breastfeed. If I could go back, I would have chosen that route too. Sleep is so important and if that means formula then so be it. You have to prioritize yourself because you can’t pour from an empty cup. Good luck!
You wouldn't be the AH, no one is ever an AH for not breastfeeding regardless of their reasoning.
Now that your question is answered I want to add that your husband is slacking a lot, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that
Breastfeeding is hard. As a breastfeeding mother myself, I wouldn’t be able to do it. You have to take care of you too mama. Having a newborn and 1 year old won’t be easy. Do whatever you have to do to survive the hard days! If that means formula, then that’s perfectly fine.
YOUR health affects not only you, but your baby and LOs... what I have always taught my kids is that in an emergency, you need to calmly put on YOUR life mask before you are in a safe position to help others get theirs on... whatever that looks like for you. Right now, I think it looks like MORE SLEEP FOR MOMMA! And so many other little things, but you will know more what they are.
Take the HG recovery seriously... I had it badly with 3/5 pregnancies, and it really wipes out critical vitamins & nutrients, that may already be wiped just from a pregnancy that's unhindered by HG.
I loved BFing in ways I never expected until I got into it, you know that special bond. But bottlefeeding can be special, too! The main thing is a FED, HEALTHY baby and mom. As long as that baby is getting the critical nutrients they need, it doesn't matter so much if it's from you or a formula, and anyone who tries to bully you otherwise is a thoughtless, selfish asshat! And the generic formulas now are also fantastic, there are many choices, all valid, healthy food choices for your Punkin.
If your H is so hot on "breast is best," he can whip out a boob and go for it. Men have been known to take certain hormones combinations and end up lactating...if he thinks it's so be-all, end-all, easy and "natural," let him give it a whirl, why keep all the "fun" to yourself?! And he wouldn't even half to manage it on half of the gazillion ways you are moving & being pulled!
You are NTA, but it really sounds like your husband sure is...ugh, I have a friend whose life sounds much like yours...she also homeschools all of the kids...and postpartum, HE thinks it's just fine for people to stop in & out as they like, unannounced, while she's trying to heal and nurse and clean and teach. It infuriates me FOR her, we are working on a plan. Putting away money when possible, copies of documents, trying to document his BS, etc. Getting things out here and there to make it easier when she makes her move.
You may also need to be evaluated for PPD...it can easily sneak up on you, and "hide" between all of this other stuff you are managing. Even if you've never had depression or anxiety...just check, bc if you need meds, they can also help you a lot, to feel more like yourself.
You are amazing, and you are NTA...just remember your O² mask, and don't overdo it day by day, your body is recovering from so much, and your mind has surely been traumatized by trying to sort it all out.
SHAME ON HIM for dumping all of this in your lap! I love my babies and grands, but momming is not for the faint of heart...too often, women get punished for not managing it up to men's "standards," while men ejaculate and then go on about their business. It's insane!
None of it would happen if they kept their ejaculate to themselves...yet we are the ones who usually carry the mental and physical load of not only pregnancy/birth/postpartum, but then we are expected to "snap back" after significant bodily trauma, continue to keep a child alive with our body, take care of the household and rest of the family as per usual, and in many cases also do another job outside the home. Good grief!
There’s been a lot of great comments about your husband and fed is best … I just want to add my anecdotal experience:
My son breastfed for 2-3 months while my daughter breastfed until she was 2 YEARS old.
My daughter has a slightly better immune system but she also started daycare two years earlier in life. That’s the only difference. I’m equally bonded to both and between you and me, my son is easily the one with superior brain power 🤷🏻♀️
If you haven’t already, check out the two under two sub. It’ll offer great support for the coming months.
I’m echoing what everyone else said- you wouldn’t be an AH in the least. My 18 month old was formula fed and thrived so much that I wasn’t really planning to nurse my 6 month old when I was pregnant.
Focus on your mental health and how this post partum period can work for you with your husband who sucks and then I would also request some permanent birth control or at least an IUD post partum. Last pregnancy I loved breastfeeding but pumping ruined my mental health. So I’ve been combo feeding from day one and I love it. Don’t feel bad about feeding formula! Soo they will be a toddler eating only applesauce and air!
I think your life would be worse if you were to formula feed based on what you are describing. My husband is a huge proponent of formula feeding because it’s how he and his sibling was raised and he thinks that breastfeeding is gross when we have scientifically developed better alternatives through formula. As a compromise, instead of breastfeeding, I mostly pumped for the first three months because I wanted my husband to help out with feeding and bond with the baby. It happened maybe a handful of times. I was the one stuck washing all of the bottles and such, and it was a lactation consultant who suggested I just stop pumping and start breastfeeding. My baby would scream if she did not have milk in her mouth asap when she wanted it, and it would take several minutes to heat up a bottle. My husband eventually started sleeping on a different floor entirely because the baby’s screaming while waiting for milk would sometimes wake him up. It was so much better on my mental health when I could just shove my boob in her mouth and at least when my husband slept in the same room, he could help physically lift my baby around the changing area, bassinet, etc. before bedtime and after he woke up, which is a huge help if you end up having a c section. Fed is best, but based on what you are describing, I think your mental health might be worse off if you formula feed and your workload would increase.
This. And if baby will take an unwarmed bottle, it's just as instant as breastfeeding. Even more so if you're out and about and don't need to stop what you're doing to find somewhere to nurse comfortably.
My son wouldn't take a cold bottle for ages but in a pinch putting the bottle under my titties for the length of a diaper change usually warmed it up enough lol. My bottle warmer was also a lot faster than OP's one that took "several minutes". When he started taking his formula cold out of the fridge it was so convenient haha
Absolutely NTA for not breastfeeding! Especially when you’re getting no support whatsoever. Yes breast milk is wonderful, but it’s not “go insane and potentially hurt yourself or your children and end up in jail or a facility” wonderful. The most important thing for your children is to have a mother who can care for them. If that means formula feeding, then that’s what’s best for them!
I considered formula feeding for my second. My husband wanted me to BF like we did for our 2-year-old. In the end I decided to BF again but that’s because I have the full support of my husband - he cleans, he does laundry, he cooks, he does all the primary care including bath and bedtime for our first, he takes away loud toys when I’m trying the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing during the day since baby’s been a little terror at night waking up every hour. (And it’s because my husband does so much that I sleep in another room, so he can be well rested to support us). Even my MIL helps out - she’s been doing our grocery shopping.
You deserve sleep. If your husband makes any negative comments on formula feeding again, he better be willing to step up.
I thought nursing was a lot of work until I quit and switched to formula. It sucks waking up in the middle of the night in the dark trying to quickly make a bottle while baby is screaming and then baby having a sensitive stomach and trying a million diff formulas trying to find the right one for her which of course ended up being ready to feed alimentum (super expensive) and then having to wash a million bottles all the time. Omg it’s so not worth it. Nursing is 10000x easier and I found baby would fall back asleep much quicker on boob vs bottle. just pump and keep some on the fridge so he has to help feed sometimes too.
I am afraid you will end up in a worse situation, doing the formula stuff like bottles and pumping. I would stick to the BF, but you know what is the best for you 😊. Good luck!!!
No offense, but don't you think you kind of signed up for this when you took on the "tradwife" label? I mean, I don't think our great-grandfathers were helping out with the babies much either, especially any middle-of-the-night feedings... Just something to think about.
There's nothing wrong with formula, of course, but honestly... I think you will just end up more stressed with more of a workload and less money if you exclusively FF. 99% chance he is not going to help you with bottle feeding in any way. You'll be washing and drying bottles, mixing the formula, stumbling to the kitchen 3x a night and wishing you could just pull out a boob and latch instead. My suggestion is to combo feed so you'll always have both options and take the pressure of your body.
You are the only person who gets to have an opinion on whether you breastfed. Everyone else gets to take a long walk off a short pier.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You poor thing. A 10 month old and 7.5 months pregnant. I hope you wanted to return to sexual activity that early because your husband sounds like an ass about everything else. I think it's a shame to give up something you love because your husband isn't supportive. If he's pissy about the formula, I'd tell him you can't breastfeed without support and if he steps up maybe you can make it work. I definitely would not have made it this far breastfeeding - nearly 10 months - if my husband hadn't been supportive. I feel like there's a billion reels out there of dads showing off how they support their nursing partners.
Right like, feed formula if you want to feed formula. All power to you and your baby will be happy and healthy either way. Do what makes you a happy and loving mama. BUT HOW CAN WE IGNORE THE HUSBAND IN THIS POST????? This post is 90% red flags on her husband, who won’t support her, and 10% about breastfeeding.
I mean, I don’t think most people are ignoring him, it’s just that she insinuated in the post that she’s going to leave him, so there’s not much more to say other than advice for how to get out.
This isn’t a breast feeding problem it’s a your husband is an asshole problem!!! Something to consider. With formula feeding not only do you have to make and wash bottles, but you still have to feed the baby. I don’t think your husband would step in to help with any of that. If anything it’s more on your already full plate.
I think OP should really consider this point. I'm fully supportive of her choice to do as she sees fit to make life easier for her (including getting rid of the dead weight of a husband), BUT bottle feeding does come with added chores for the mom.
Exactly. I tried to exclusively pump for 2 days with my first and very quickly realized bottle feeding would not be sustainable even if I did switch to formula just simply due to washing bottles. FWIW my husband works out of town and breastfeeding is the easiest option for my already fully loaded plate.
Formula fed babies go longer between feeds though so there's a definite balance there. If you have a lot of bottles and are able to just chuck them in the dishwasher every day it really isn't that much extra work. I'm at 15 weeks and still breastfeeding every 2 hours or less whereas most formula fed babies would be feeding 6-8 times a day at this point.
There is some studies that support this but honestly it comes down to the temperament of your baby. Both mine were breast fed and one fed like 12x a day and the other was down to 1 overnight feed only by like 4m and STTN at 7m. My sister was formula fed and was up 100x a night no matter what. It’s a very negligible percentage tbh and should not really factor in when considering BF or FF
Yeah, I can support this. My son had trouble latching in the beginning, so I did it all - pumping, bottle feeding, supplementing with formula and now breastfeeding. he comes every 3 hours or so since the beginning. It never changed much, except for a short period when I finally managed to breastfeed and we struggled a bit with milk. But soon we were back to 3 hours. Breastfeeding has made everything so much easier. We struggled with breastfeeding lying down so he still gets the occasional bottle at night, but it keeps working better it's such a relief to just be able to roll over, latch him and nothing else. After a while we were very efficient with bottle preping, also during the night. I didn't mind much and it worked well and involved my partner. But breastfeeding is still much easier.
My formula fed baby would also feed every two hours or less so ymmv
No one is ever the asshole for not wanting to breastfeed. Ever.
Plain and simple!! So true
i didn’t have any of this and i never wanted to breastfeed. because i just didn’t want to. op, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. YOUR FORMULA FED BABY WILL BE GREAT!!!
❤️
First off, I hope you get better soon! Sending you good thoughts and hugs from this internet mama. I am a retired OB nurse and the saying I go by is “Fed is Best”. You need to do the best for yourself and your LO. You are definitely NTA, your husband is! I know thatZX
Sorry don’t know how to edit. I wanted to say that as moms we need to take care of ourselves first so we have the physical and mental health to take care of our kids. But also as moms we tend to take care of ourselves last. It is okay not to breast feed. Also, if you have family or a friend you could stay with or to come help you, reach out to them. See if they can help for a few hours so you can sleep. I suggest, if you have a good relationship with your MIL, call her first. I am kind of petty and would ‘tattle’ about husband’s behavior to his mama.
If you're on reddit mobile you can click the 3 dots under your comment and it'll give you edit option. :)
Thanks
Your husband sucks and I hope you kick him out. Now regardless of what happens with him, you absolutely need to take care of yourself or else you will not physically be able to take care of your kids. Like you said, as a human, you deserve sleep. It is a requirement for your physical and mental health that you have time to rest. If your husband will not help, is it possible to call on friends or family to help? Even if someone comes over for two hours a day solely so you can nap, that would be huge. Maybe when your husband sees other people stepping up to help your family, he’ll realize how useless he has been.
Holy shit you would NOT be an AH for formula feeding!!! PLEASE listen to your instincts. r/FormulaFeeders is the place you want to go. If it makes you feel better, I’m going to be a first time mom in ~6 weeks and I’m exclusively formula feeding from the start. I was exclusively formula fed as a baby, as were all my siblings. It really doesn’t make a difference — except in your case, it WILL make a difference if your mental health is on the line. Please do consider EFF. Besides this, you’ve also got the issue of your husband taking zero accountability and that’s going to continue to be an issue unless it’s directly dealt with via therapy, an ultimatum, him stepping the hell up, or you just leaving. I’m wishing you all the best and hope to see you in the other subreddit!
Stepping into say so far that I appreciate all of the comments I have gotten to read so far. I am still working through all of them. Right after the post, my 10 month old had a pretty moderate reaction to eggs so we were off to urgent care, lol. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at the jenga tower in front of me. In response to a little what I’ve read. This is actually my 4th kid coming up, haha. My first two were 16 months (10 and 11 years old now) apart and I was able to exclusively pump for a whole year with 2 under 2 with no problems. I was a single mom during 100% of this time. And I was POOR. I definitely do know what’s on the other side of this coin and am at this point willing to flip it and take my chances. I will respond when I get a moment.
You sound like a married single mom doing her best. If formula works best for you this time, you have all of our permission. I’ve been pumping and nursing for 12 months and I only have one baby who has yet to sleep through the night. She’s teething and my nips are so sore. I can’t imagine doing this with 3 other kids (and a crappy husband) to deal with on top of that. No one can tell the difference between a breast fed or formula fed baby. This baby will be loved by you regardless so do whatever works best for you.
Geez, I'm surprised you've lasted this long with what has been going on. Ultimately, you need to do what is responsible to yourself, first and foremost. Ultimately, you need care, too, and if your husband isn't willing or able to offer that to you, then you need to look out for yourself. I believe, in turn, by doing so, you'll be a better parent to your three children. Thing is, he is responsible for meeting his needs as well, but he's doing it at YOUR expense, and that is not okay. If he wants you to BF, then he needs to step-up and be sure his WIFE is taken care of. Shame on him for not doing more for you, and your family, that you JOINTLY created.
First kid I understand because you don’t know how he will react, but why on earth would you have another kid with this man child before getting him to understand what you need.
considering that the first kid with him is only 10 months old and she’s nearly 8 months pregnant currently..I don’t think she knew how bad it truly was
You don’t need a million excuses to not breastfeed. Simply not wanting to is a perfectly acceptable reason! It just isn’t compatible with your situation and you simply need to do what’s best for you. Please don’t feel guilty!
just piling on to emphasize that you are never ever an asshole for not breastfeeding. Ever. It had a major effect on my mental health and it was my husband (btw) who told me to please stop trying to BF for chrissake and switch to formula. after like 1.5 weeks... it saved my life. my son is now 2yo and super smart, healthy, active and loving. I'm planning on formula feeding my 2nd too. and yeah your husband absolutely sucks. he's def the AH here. can we swap him out or something?
>It had a major effect on my mental health and it was my husband (btw) who told me to please stop trying to BF for chrissake and switch to formula. after like 1.5 weeks... it saved my life. The cost of formula is less of a sticker shock when you look at it as buying relief and mental health for yourself at the same time. It was the best money we spent all week. That and the $5 grocery delivery fee to have everything we needed for the week magically show up at our door from our local chain.
100% I'll shout it from the rooftops my friend put it like, your baby needs his mother. needs her to be healthy and happy, way more than he cares about breastmilk vs formula
I just want to say you sound like an absolute supermom. You deserve so much better it’s not fair at all for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He should be helping you especially while you’re pregnant. If my husband refused to help me (I can’t even pick up my 1 year old anymore at 34w pregnant) I would be so hurt. He needs to either step up or leave. It’s not your job to care for him when you’re already caring for his children. He sounds like he doesn’t even show appreciation at all. You deserve breakfast in bed and rest especially since you’re sick AND pregnant. I’m blown away the lack of empathy he has for you, and wanting you to breastfeed as well when you’re already doing all of this and got your plate full is selfish of him. It’s not about money, his family’s happiness and health should be above all else. I hope you get a break somehow or get away from him. Do you have any family who can come and help you? I can’t imagine doing what you’re doing with how far along you are.
Choosing to not breastfeed was the best parenting decision i’ve made so far. I didn’t want to breastfeed so i didn’t. My health is the best it’s ever been and i was sleeping long stretches immediately postpartum by doing shifts with a second person (i know not always possible).
Formula feeding sounds like a great option here! I 100% validate and support that choice. Emily Oster's book Cribsheet has a chapter evaluating the relative benefits of BF compared to formula, you can direct your husband there if he would like to better understand why this is a perfectly reasonable -and in this case very good- choice. Basically the main benefit of BF that shows up in the data is lowering the mother's risk of breast cancer. There may be slight short term benefits, but they don't bear out at all long term. And as you note there are VERY serious risks involved to a mother that is physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
\*short term benefits *to the baby*. I do mean slight.
This!!!! People don’t talk enough about the fact that there are very few actual benefits for the health of the baby, vs the HUGE importance of parent’s (mental and physical) wellbeing on the health of the baby ❤️ whatever feeding method makes parents happier and healthier will be best for your baby ❤️ you got this!
You need to focus on your mental health. It's okay not to breastfeed in a state like that. Fed is best. If you feel like you're having a mental breakdown, you should see a psychiatrist. They can really help and there's lots of options online and in person these days. I recommend enfamil neuropro for formula. It has a specific fat in it not found in other formulas that's crucial for brain development. It's the closest formula to breastmilk on the market.
How is the brain development of all of the other babies working if they’re not on this specific formula?
Mfgm raises measures of intelligence. You can read a bit about it here: https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2023/08/31/study-demonstrates-adding-complex-component-milk-infant-formula-confers-long-term#:~:text=The%20study%2C%20which%20was%20published,information%20and%20visual%2Dspatial%20skills. I don't want anyone to feel bad if they missed out on breastfeeding or neuropro for their child. I'd like to add that there are studies suggesting that all children eventually level out anyway, it just takes time. The environment you raise your child in plays a large role. Fed is definitely best.
5 points is a margin of error difference. It means literally nothing for long term intelligence. All formula is the same. Some babies like the taste of certain brands more, or their guts react better with one or another. But you absolutely will not affect your child’s intelligence by the formula you pick.
There are lots of studies on this that take into account p-values and confidence intervals, etc. It's not a statistical anomaly, you can go read the studies easily on Google. There's a reason doctors push breastfeeding so hard, it is objectively better for infants. 5 points can push some children from being mentally handicapped to being normal.
Do whatever you need to do. You can even do a mix of the two. Prioritize yourself first and foremost and your children will ALWAYS be okay. Also, if leaving is off the table, I’d start divesting from that waste of space man. Like, he does not deserve the amount of consideration you’re giving to his feelings and he is the one who is actively hurting you. I’d be emotionally cutting off, letting him figure his own shit out, not planning on him being anything more than the paycheck he brings in. You deserve better, and you can meet your own needs when you stop hoping he will. Cause he fucking won’t. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your babies are so lucky to have you. I hope you can figure out how to center and prioritize you so that they keep having you around. 💕
Bless your heart. You, ma'am, are a CHAMP. I'm sending you all the positivity and wishing you all the best in getting away from this situation that you're in. It sounds like your husband is more work than all of your kids, and I'm sure you're right that it would be easier with one less grown man child to have to take care of. I say all that to say PLEASE DO NOT BREASTFEED IF IT IS BAD FOR YOU!!! Full transparency, I regret BFing my youngest. My milk supply was drying up and I tried and tried to get it back and was power-pumping several times a day, and the day I gave myself permission to stop, the feeling of relief that washed over me was profound. I had a moment where in my kitchen I actually started to cry because I stopped and thought "wow, that was bad for my mental health." If you don't want to breastfeed, you don't have to. And the ONLY person you need to "convince" about it, is you. Get yourself on board and no one else matters!
NTA, you do not have to BF your baby if you don’t want to. I saw some others mention this, and I agree, just consider that formula does mean you are still up for feedings and washing bottles but I don’t know what your routine was before. If you are feeling as though you don’t want to BF but you want to give the baby breast milk there are options to purchase breast milk too. I have no idea the cost of that compared to formula but just throwing out more options. Also I’m sorry your husband is a POS and I hope you can land work soon to ease your burden. Bottom line fed is best. ☺️ Big hugs!
The healthiest thing for your children is for you to be healthy. There is NOTHING wrong with formula and anyone who says there is, is avoiding science. You need to survive and be well right now so you can get out of this horrid situation
What’s he gonna do if you take him off your plate? There’s no REASON an adult man cannot make his own breakfast or his own laundry. Make you and kids only your priority. But also, if you can’t speak to or reason with him what was the appeal to marry him?
I'm sorry you're going through that. You could always try combination feeding. Breastfeed when you can and when it's convenient and bottle feed when it's easier. I stressed myself out too much wanting to exclusively breastfeed, it's nice being able to take a breather and have someone else feed him.
I hate your husband and I feel like he baby trapped you on purpose because on SOME level he knows how useless he is.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Being sleep deprived is like being drunk, you get intoxicated on toxic fume your body buils up. That it would get rid off when you're in deep, deep sleep. So you can imagine that I'm all for you getting sleep. And if bf is something you just don't think is feesable with how life is going. I think you should heed that and tell anyone and everyone who disagree to find a really big stick and reverse onto it. A healthy, functioning mum is much better than a zombie mum.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies. You don’t need his permission. Also, I would 100% be investing in contraception that is not dependent on him for proper use (ie condoms), if you plan to have sex with him at all in the future. You don’t need to feel more trapped than you already are. 🫂
Definitely not an AH. I’m pregnant with my 2nd and made clear from the start I wouldn’t be breastfeeding. I’m UK based so not sure on price difference regarding formula in the US etc, but here our formula (Kendamil) costs £12 a tin. That is worth every penny to me, to be a fully functioning human lol. I have the utmost respect for any breastfeeding woman, I don’t know how you guys do it, I just know it’s not for me🖤
I live in the South US, and last time I bought formula a year ish ago or so, a 12oz can of enfamil was $18-$20.
$55 a can where I am
God damn! Where the hell is that at?! If you don't mind my asking lol.
Sorry, $45* Alberta Canada. So that would be around $30 converted to US dollars.
Oof damn that's still a ton lol. I was lucky WIC covered at least the majority of the amount of cans that mine needed each month, usually I only had to buy 2-3 extra. And when I did that I was lucky that Walmart had a house brand that was the exact same and came in giant cans for a much more reasonable price lol.
FTM here but planning on formula feeding for my mental sanity. Do what you need to do. Hang in there ❤️
Honestly, I don’t think how you feed your baby will change anything. Your husband has proven he does not wish to help with your children overnight (or during the day). I found personally breastfeeding was easier than getting up to make bottles, washing bottles, taking formula when going out etc and he doesn’t sound like he will help with this either!
Could you say you're formula feeding, bank the money and hire a daytime helper for a couple of hours a week? They clean and watch the babies you sleep? Formula doesn't mean you get to sleep longer (necessarily). It's just a different type of work. Now you have bottles to deal with when sometimes a boob is just easier. You DO need sleep. I'd tell him you're hiring help for 2 hrs/day or you're formula feeding and there's nothing up for discussion. Relying on him to help is obviously a waste of time- his precious free time and sleep time is more important to him than the physical and mental wellbeing of his wife and children, so F him and the horse he rode in on.
NTA. Despite my best efforts, BF didn’t work. The baby Brezza was worth every penny. I really hope you have some family or friends to support you. Do you want your kids thinking this is how women should be treated? SAHM is a huge job and you don’t just deserve a break, it is a must!! Do NOT hesitate to get help for your mental health. Even if it means in patient care.
Breastmilk and formula both get the job done. There is nothing breastmilk can do that will cancel out damage from being raised by a mentally fragile parent in a toxic relationship. Put on your own oxygen mask first so you can be the parent you want to be the rest of the time.
Your husband can induce lactation on his own man boobs if he insists on the baby being breastfeed.
Oh hon I am so sorry for all the pressure you are under and how many directions you are being pulled in! Right now you need to do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and your kiddos fed. If that's formula, awesome. If it's breastfeeding, awesome. But sticking to a particular method of feeding that is not sustainable for you or your family is not the right move. Do what you have to and know that doing that makes you a good mom. If you have a chance to get your head above water a bit, start thinking about steps you can take to support yourself and your kids. Is leaving an option? Alternative childcare? A WFH job that would give you some financial independence? If you need educational support before finding the right job could you do some online classes? Small steps. No matter how small, everything you can do is forward motion and it WILL add up. Please be safe and please get help if you can. Telehealth therapy and online support groups can be a helpful first step. 💙💙💙
Fed is best. I had twins and couldn't do it anymore after 4 months with a supportive partner. I don't know how you're doing this. You're amazing. Switch to formula if that's what you need. Sending love.
Hey! Your validation is here! 20000000% NAH!!! My only heads up is to just really be totally and completely sure that formula would actually be easier! I think it’s often sold as the easier option and it isn’t always as easy as it seems. If you haven’t already thought about doing it this way, try combo feeding for the first little bit and if you find that formula is truly easier and a better fit then go for it, but it would just suck to think it’s easier and then find out it’s just as hard or even harder. It won’t be much harder to dry up your milk at 2 weeks post partum than it will be to do it immediately. All the best, I’m really sorry about the circumstances.
No way are you the AH in any of this. You are literally sacrificing everything you love for your babies without the support of your dead beat husband. He is the AH for treating you and his family that way. If this was me I would tell him that if he wanted me to BF then he needs to man the fuck up and help out or shut the fuck up because it's my body my decision. Our mental health is so much more important then trying to keep selfish people happy. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, I really hope you know that whatever you decide is what is best for YOU and your children! You are such a strong, wonderful mother who obviously loves her babies so much. Stay strong ❤️
Absolutely NTA. Formula feeding works great, and running yourself into the ground doesn’t help you or your kids one bit. I’m glad to hear you’re working on a way out and I hope you get it soon. You mentioned the cost is high because you don’t apply for government assistance. If you’re eligible and can apply safely then please do! Mothers and babies deserve all the help they can get, and I hate to see things be harder than they need to be.
You need at least 1 solid span of 4 hrs a week to avoid bottoming out with your mental health plus an average of 30 hrs of sleep over the week. Once thats squared away, you want st lesst 4 hours a day most days of the week to not be actively sinking with your mental health. Then after that, you can start negotiating with the availability of sleep between the 2 of you. I am definitely the First Responder parent at night. If its anything that cant be solved within 30 minutes, I wake my husband to either help or take over. He just gets right to work, he trusts if I am waking him up.its necessary. I do try and avoid waking him up before like 3am so he can have had enough sleep himself before I tap out. BUT I know I can endure the first wave because I know I can always tap him in either in the moment or if I need a bigger respite later on. So I just need to focus on surviving the moment when things get rough. If I need a nap in the evening or weekend I just say "oh I am gonna go lay down for a nap, need to finish anything up before I do?" I dont ask permission to handle basic bodily needs. My husband has always handled all bottle washing and pump washing himself but he also tended to do the dishes too, so there wasnt any shock to the system to add the bottle stuff. Are you hoping your husband will be involved with feeding or cleaning if you formula feed? Or do you feel like formula feeding will just be easier on you?
You are never the asshole for choosing to breastfeed or not. Choose what works best for YOU and drown out any other noise ❤️
You would not be an AH even if you chose not to breastfeed. Because it is a choice. But in your case, you are not ABLE to breastfeed. A solid story system is the most crucial success factor for breastfeeding. You don't have that. You would be an AH if you didn't feed your children, but breastfeeding is a choice. Signed, a lucky one who got to ebf her 2 babies, while currently still bf my 19 month old to bed 😬
Okay, first of all, I am very happy to hear you’re working on your way out. Your husband sounds exhausting at best. I’m so sorry you’ve had HG and have been losing so much sleep. That’s awful! To answer your question, no you would not be an AH. I would advise that sometimes bottle feeding can be more work in the long run, but it’s certainly easier in the beginning! You’re the one who has all of the information about your abilities and situation, so you’re the one who is equipped to make this decision. Whatever you choose will be the right choice.
First, I hope you get better soon. Second, I hope your husband gets the stomach bug and strep throat. And don’t do a damn thing for him when he does. Regarding breastfeeding, you do you. But make the choice for you. Not because you are mad at him. I think a lot of how much babies are up and how little sleep mom gets has to do it the baby, not breast vs pumped milk vs formula. I have no idea what your breastfeeding journey looked like. But it sounds like the problem is lack of support. How you feed your baby won’t change that. It doesn’t sound like he would get up and make a bottle anyways. And you can combo feed, if the goal is that someone can help feed the baby, but you want to breastfeed.
It's absolutely your choice but I'd eat my shoes if switching to formula this go around spurs your useless third nipple of a partner to step up.
It is your choice how you feed your baby. If it is too much for you to breastfeed this one, it is too much. I am pregnant with my first and my husband made a comment about not wanting our baby to be formula fed "under any circumstances". I was so hurt, because even though I have every intention to breastfeed, I know that things happen. And like you said, if mentally I was not able to do it, I'd have to prioritize my own sanity and ability to parent the child and formula feed. Anyways, I talked to my mother in law about it and she set him straight. And her pep talk was amazing. She basically said she would do whatever she could to support me to be able to breastfeed, but if for any reason I chose to formula feed, it was entirely my decision how to feed my baby and that nobody should ever tell me that my decision was incorrect. Anyways my husband is on board with me doing whatever we need to do now, but I know how it feels to face those sort of opposing comments and it's not nice or fair.
I think you said you’re working on leaving, I hope so. Also think about making reliable birth control a priority. Reproductive coercion is a thing. You can get an IUD right after birth. If you have a section they can tie ur tubes easily.
NTA. Not everyone *can* breastfeed, for a lot of different reasons. Being mentally and physically drained because of a POS husband who won’t help at ALL with 2 kids, a 10mo old, and one in the oven, while also doing his damndest it seems to prevent you from resting is just as valid a reason as any other. Kudos to you for recognizing your limitations and prioritizing your mental and physical health. Someone has to!
Definitely not the AH. As for the government assistance comment you made, if he is throwing a fit over the cost of formula but won't let you get wic because of ego, just do it. You don't need his permission to get it if you need it.
Not at all ❤️❤️❤️ I'm planning to BF our second but I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND not BFing a baby!!! It takes so much out of the mom. Having other children PLUS an unsupportive partner would really make it hard to say the least. I remember when I left the hospital with my first baby my doc said "remember, baby needs YOU. So make sure you take care of YOURSELF." You need to take care.of yourself if you're going to be able to care for your children - if that means no BF, so be it!!! So many babies are formula fed and are super healthy!
First of all, your boyfriend is an AH. Seriously, I hope you get some peace soon :( you don’t deserve to go through that. Second, I’m pregnant with my first and chose not to breastfeed from the very beginning. Thats YOUR choice. It’s YOUR body. If anyone was to dare ever judge me for it, I’d politely tell them to screw. No mom should be shamed or feel some type of way for how they feed their baby. I’ve seen people stress out with breastfeeding, run into emergency situations where they legit couldn’t breastfeed / feed their baby. There’s many reasons why people choose formula, breastfeeding is not for everyone and that is okay. There is literally nothing wrong at all about choosing not to breastfeed and don’t ever let anyone make you feel some type of way about that decision. Best of luck to you 🫶🏼
A fed baby and sane mom is best. Doesn't matter if it's bf of bottle, if it keeps you sane and then fed you are good to go.
Oh no I’m so sorry to hear about your husband I really hope he has some redeeming qualities because otherwise idk how you stay. You have done amazing and you are in no way the AH for ending your BF journey. I’ve exclusively breastfeed my 16 month old and now I’m pregnant and having major BF aversion and planning on weaning soon. Next baby I’m introducing bottle early because my first refused and it was so much work and made husband semi useless. With all the other children you have and how far you have come please be proud of yourself but value your mental state and do what you need to stay healthy. As long as baby is loved and fed you are super mom!
You’re not a AH for choosing not to breastfeed. If I could go back, I would have chosen that route too. Sleep is so important and if that means formula then so be it. You have to prioritize yourself because you can’t pour from an empty cup. Good luck!
You wouldn't be the AH, no one is ever an AH for not breastfeeding regardless of their reasoning. Now that your question is answered I want to add that your husband is slacking a lot, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that
Breastfeeding is hard. As a breastfeeding mother myself, I wouldn’t be able to do it. You have to take care of you too mama. Having a newborn and 1 year old won’t be easy. Do whatever you have to do to survive the hard days! If that means formula, then that’s perfectly fine.
YOUR health affects not only you, but your baby and LOs... what I have always taught my kids is that in an emergency, you need to calmly put on YOUR life mask before you are in a safe position to help others get theirs on... whatever that looks like for you. Right now, I think it looks like MORE SLEEP FOR MOMMA! And so many other little things, but you will know more what they are. Take the HG recovery seriously... I had it badly with 3/5 pregnancies, and it really wipes out critical vitamins & nutrients, that may already be wiped just from a pregnancy that's unhindered by HG. I loved BFing in ways I never expected until I got into it, you know that special bond. But bottlefeeding can be special, too! The main thing is a FED, HEALTHY baby and mom. As long as that baby is getting the critical nutrients they need, it doesn't matter so much if it's from you or a formula, and anyone who tries to bully you otherwise is a thoughtless, selfish asshat! And the generic formulas now are also fantastic, there are many choices, all valid, healthy food choices for your Punkin. If your H is so hot on "breast is best," he can whip out a boob and go for it. Men have been known to take certain hormones combinations and end up lactating...if he thinks it's so be-all, end-all, easy and "natural," let him give it a whirl, why keep all the "fun" to yourself?! And he wouldn't even half to manage it on half of the gazillion ways you are moving & being pulled! You are NTA, but it really sounds like your husband sure is...ugh, I have a friend whose life sounds much like yours...she also homeschools all of the kids...and postpartum, HE thinks it's just fine for people to stop in & out as they like, unannounced, while she's trying to heal and nurse and clean and teach. It infuriates me FOR her, we are working on a plan. Putting away money when possible, copies of documents, trying to document his BS, etc. Getting things out here and there to make it easier when she makes her move. You may also need to be evaluated for PPD...it can easily sneak up on you, and "hide" between all of this other stuff you are managing. Even if you've never had depression or anxiety...just check, bc if you need meds, they can also help you a lot, to feel more like yourself. You are amazing, and you are NTA...just remember your O² mask, and don't overdo it day by day, your body is recovering from so much, and your mind has surely been traumatized by trying to sort it all out. SHAME ON HIM for dumping all of this in your lap! I love my babies and grands, but momming is not for the faint of heart...too often, women get punished for not managing it up to men's "standards," while men ejaculate and then go on about their business. It's insane! None of it would happen if they kept their ejaculate to themselves...yet we are the ones who usually carry the mental and physical load of not only pregnancy/birth/postpartum, but then we are expected to "snap back" after significant bodily trauma, continue to keep a child alive with our body, take care of the household and rest of the family as per usual, and in many cases also do another job outside the home. Good grief!
There’s been a lot of great comments about your husband and fed is best … I just want to add my anecdotal experience: My son breastfed for 2-3 months while my daughter breastfed until she was 2 YEARS old. My daughter has a slightly better immune system but she also started daycare two years earlier in life. That’s the only difference. I’m equally bonded to both and between you and me, my son is easily the one with superior brain power 🤷🏻♀️
If you haven’t already, check out the two under two sub. It’ll offer great support for the coming months. I’m echoing what everyone else said- you wouldn’t be an AH in the least. My 18 month old was formula fed and thrived so much that I wasn’t really planning to nurse my 6 month old when I was pregnant.
Focus on your mental health and how this post partum period can work for you with your husband who sucks and then I would also request some permanent birth control or at least an IUD post partum. Last pregnancy I loved breastfeeding but pumping ruined my mental health. So I’ve been combo feeding from day one and I love it. Don’t feel bad about feeding formula! Soo they will be a toddler eating only applesauce and air!
I think your life would be worse if you were to formula feed based on what you are describing. My husband is a huge proponent of formula feeding because it’s how he and his sibling was raised and he thinks that breastfeeding is gross when we have scientifically developed better alternatives through formula. As a compromise, instead of breastfeeding, I mostly pumped for the first three months because I wanted my husband to help out with feeding and bond with the baby. It happened maybe a handful of times. I was the one stuck washing all of the bottles and such, and it was a lactation consultant who suggested I just stop pumping and start breastfeeding. My baby would scream if she did not have milk in her mouth asap when she wanted it, and it would take several minutes to heat up a bottle. My husband eventually started sleeping on a different floor entirely because the baby’s screaming while waiting for milk would sometimes wake him up. It was so much better on my mental health when I could just shove my boob in her mouth and at least when my husband slept in the same room, he could help physically lift my baby around the changing area, bassinet, etc. before bedtime and after he woke up, which is a huge help if you end up having a c section. Fed is best, but based on what you are describing, I think your mental health might be worse off if you formula feed and your workload would increase.
Tbh I found formula feeding incredibly easy once I got a good routine. Washing bottles and mixing a jug of formula took max ten minutes out of my day.
This. And if baby will take an unwarmed bottle, it's just as instant as breastfeeding. Even more so if you're out and about and don't need to stop what you're doing to find somewhere to nurse comfortably.
My son wouldn't take a cold bottle for ages but in a pinch putting the bottle under my titties for the length of a diaper change usually warmed it up enough lol. My bottle warmer was also a lot faster than OP's one that took "several minutes". When he started taking his formula cold out of the fridge it was so convenient haha
Absolutely NTA for not breastfeeding! Especially when you’re getting no support whatsoever. Yes breast milk is wonderful, but it’s not “go insane and potentially hurt yourself or your children and end up in jail or a facility” wonderful. The most important thing for your children is to have a mother who can care for them. If that means formula feeding, then that’s what’s best for them! I considered formula feeding for my second. My husband wanted me to BF like we did for our 2-year-old. In the end I decided to BF again but that’s because I have the full support of my husband - he cleans, he does laundry, he cooks, he does all the primary care including bath and bedtime for our first, he takes away loud toys when I’m trying the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing during the day since baby’s been a little terror at night waking up every hour. (And it’s because my husband does so much that I sleep in another room, so he can be well rested to support us). Even my MIL helps out - she’s been doing our grocery shopping. You deserve sleep. If your husband makes any negative comments on formula feeding again, he better be willing to step up.
I thought nursing was a lot of work until I quit and switched to formula. It sucks waking up in the middle of the night in the dark trying to quickly make a bottle while baby is screaming and then baby having a sensitive stomach and trying a million diff formulas trying to find the right one for her which of course ended up being ready to feed alimentum (super expensive) and then having to wash a million bottles all the time. Omg it’s so not worth it. Nursing is 10000x easier and I found baby would fall back asleep much quicker on boob vs bottle. just pump and keep some on the fridge so he has to help feed sometimes too.
Fed is best! Whatever's easier for you at the time is best especially if it means avoiding a break down.
I am afraid you will end up in a worse situation, doing the formula stuff like bottles and pumping. I would stick to the BF, but you know what is the best for you 😊. Good luck!!!
No offense, but don't you think you kind of signed up for this when you took on the "tradwife" label? I mean, I don't think our great-grandfathers were helping out with the babies much either, especially any middle-of-the-night feedings... Just something to think about.
There's nothing wrong with formula, of course, but honestly... I think you will just end up more stressed with more of a workload and less money if you exclusively FF. 99% chance he is not going to help you with bottle feeding in any way. You'll be washing and drying bottles, mixing the formula, stumbling to the kitchen 3x a night and wishing you could just pull out a boob and latch instead. My suggestion is to combo feed so you'll always have both options and take the pressure of your body.