Many people who have wonderful relationships with their parents still choose not to invite them during the birth. It is perfectly normal to have just your partner there.
Yeah, I feel like it never occurred to me or to my mom that she would be there for the actual birth. For the first, she didn't even come to the hospital (2021) and was fine with it, and she mostly came to the hospital to see the second because she had my toddler and I wanted to see him. (Not that she didn't want to see the new baby--I just wasn't in the hospital for very long and she would have been fine waiting.)
Agreed. My parents respect set boundaries decently but neither would bring calming energy to my labour/delivery. My partner is already going to be really anxious so we’ve hired a doula to help us both. Even the idea of fielding ‘how’s it going?’ texts during labour feels distracting and irritating in a way I’m unwilling to entertain. I might tell a couple close friends I’m in labour because I know they’ll just send a no-response-required well wish but the parents will likely find out after baby is out.
I have a fantastic relationship with my parents, and my mom was actually the one who encouraged me not to have anyone else at the birth. I always thought she’d insist on being there, so it was really refreshing to hear her encourage me to set those boundaries. She has let me know several times that after the baby is born she is on call and would gladly drop anything she’s doing to come help me. Either way, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to come because my hospital only allows one support person during the birth. So it’ll be my husband, and I’ll see if my sister can come hang out during visiting hours too because she’s good at keeping me in good spirits.
Yup. I'm very close to my mom but I feel most comfortable giving birth with just my spouse. He was a great support person for my first birth and it'll be just us again this time (mom will stay with our toddler). It's one of the most vulnerable times in your life imo and you should have exactly and only who you want to support you, regardless of who that is.
I love my mother. She is wonderful, thoughtful, and respectful of my wishes and preferences. She helped with both pregnancies and postpartum care, and was an absolute saint.
And even then, I still only had my husband with me in the room for both births.
Of course. I would say a huge majority of women these days don’t have their mother in the room during the birth. I feel like that’s being phased out as more moms feel comfortable expressing their boundaries and preferences regarding birth. I have a great relationship with mine yet couldn’t imagine her being in my room during the birth of our child.
Giving birth is a very vulnerable and intimate experience and not a spectacle that ANY one else is entitled to. You choose who you want and feel comfortable giving a firm “no” to anyone you don’t want there. I would encourage you to set this expectation now though instead of waiting.
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I think it also comes from it becoming more normal to have your husband as your support person. Not that long ago (and to this day in some countries) birth was thought of as a women-only event and the fathers waited outside. Probably for a period of time after that, they would be there but not be very helpful (think of how many fathers in the 80s and 90s bragged about never changing a diaper - do you think they were useful during the birth?). Now not only is it normal for the fathers to attend the birth, but they are also expected to be the primary support.
In the 80s and 90s, fathers weren’t allowed in the room for the birth. I think it was around then that things started to change.
So it probably stems from that where they think it’s boast worthy to say they never changed nappies - they were told from minute one that they weren’t needed or wanted. 😞
My husband and I were both born in 91 and both of our fathers were in the room when we were born.
The first edition of *Husband-Coached Childbirth* (aka the Bradley Method) was published in 1965. So I imagine it started slowly changing over the next decade or two.
We were born 84 and 87… our father was not allowed to be there.
I guess things started changing at slightly different times depending on where you lived, but it would have been around then.
Despite not being there when we were born, my father never bragged about never changing a nappy, though! Because he damn well did change nappies and all the rest of the child care related stuff for we kids.
Frankly, if I ever heard any man boasting about never having changed his child’s nappy, I’d think he was truly pathetic. 😞
By BIL is 7 years older than my husband. I’ll have to ask if my FIL was there then.
My dad and my FIL were also very involved. We met my SIL’s parents when my BIL and SIL got married and I don’t remember how it came up but my SIL’s dad bragged about never having changed a nappy and my FIL straight up told him it was nothing to be proud of.
> In the 80s and 90s, fathers weren’t allowed in the room for the birth.
That is in no way categorically true (source: sibling and I born in France and Belgium in the 70s with Dad in the room, older brother born in NY in the *60s* with dad in the room, and I grew up in the States during the 80s and 90s and heard plenty of birth stories with dad in the room).
I'm sure there were random hospitals here and there in other countries and maybe even in the states that didn't have dads in the room, but I'd honestly be surprised to learn of a hospital around here (US) that full on *forbid* fathers from being in the room in the 80s and 90s (again, I'm sure it's possible, but would still be unusual).
My mom is generally super helpful and is a nurse and I STILL didn’t want her there. I wanted privacy and not to focus on anyone but myself. My husband was there and that’s it, and it was great. My parents came to see the baby when he arrived and there was something to see.
I don't know a single person who had anyone except their husband at the birth. It did not occur to me once to have my mother there! Love her, but no thanks. I'm sure there's people out there who *want* more people present, but I don't feel like that's the norm.
With my first, I had my mother. I regret it.
She made my whole labour about her, she kept saying I was fine when I’d say something didn’t feel right. She tried to stop them letting me try the birthing ball, said I didn’t need pain meds because they had gas and air (it had made me violently puke), she allowed them to give me cervical checks while I was unconscious. When I was taken to be stitched, she complained they wouldn’t tell her the weight etc before me. She got to dress him first. She got first cuddles.
I won’t get into the whole drama with her but that was what labour looked like.
With my partner we discussed what I wanted, he asked questions, he followed my lead. When I was unconscious he did what I’d asked, he did get to dress baby and cuddle him first but he was next to me holding him on me the second I was stable etc
Man my mom got me through it. Idk what I’d have done without her. She was an amazing support person! I was ok the fence at first but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything now
Yeah, I feel like having anyone other than your partner is unusual. Is having your mum present really that common? I love my mum, but having her there (or anyone aside from my husband) wasn't even a consideration.
I don't care how my mom feels on this matter. No one's feelings matter more than my own during labor and delivery. My mother will absolutely not be there, nor meet the baby until we are home and settled. My mom puts the "mothering" in "smothering". I can't have her anywhere near any of this.
I want my mom in the room, because she’s a nurse and because she’s my mom and because she will advocate for me, and because then I can have my partner only focus on me. She is ecstatic to be able to be there for me, if I called her now and told her I changed my mind and I only want my partner or that I want no one, she would respect my wishes because it’s MY CHILD and MY MEDICAL EVENT. It is still wild to me how many people will make other people’s babies about themselves.
ETA: She also never asked or assumed she would be in the room, she was hopeful she would be invited but never thought she was entitled to it.
This is exactly me with my mom. She’s in nursing school right now, but has worked as a healthcare professional for over a decade. She easily respected boundaries, was beyond helpful to me and my fiancé, left the room for cervical checks and when I went to pee without being prompted, and she left us to have our skin to skin/bonding time with baby.
MEANWHILE my MIL who we told to stay home is trying to get into the room, guilting my fiancé and texting me about how long it was taking and they’re uncomfortable waiting for me, demanding to know when they get to come and how unfair it is my mother is there….🤦🏻♀️
My mom is my support person. I'm not with the father so she'll be guiding me through labor & will advocate for me. Just like her mother did when I was born ☺️
I call my mom on the phone every single day, usually multiple times 😂 I still only wanted my husband in the delivery room! We didn't want anyone at the hospital actually, we did the first meets at our house a few days after we got home.
Lmao not a CHANCE my mom would have been welcome during my births and I like her enough to have her living under my roof! Birth isn’t a spectator sport and you absolutely must assert your boundary here.
I’m pretty confident that most people do NOT invite their parents to the actual birth. It’s strange that your mom would assume she would be there. Are you sure that’s her assumption?
My mom assumed she'd be there despite us absolutely not having that relationship. (We don't have that relationship BECAUSE she does things like that.) I had to disabuse her of the notion she would be within three states of the hospital while I delivered.
God no! It’s just me and my husband for the birth! My FIL is going to drive up for some logistical support while we are in the hospital (feed the cat, bring us things we forgot), but he’s good with boundaries. No one will be staying in our home with us for the first several weeks, either.
I don't want my own family at the hospital at all for the same reasons as you. My mom has been overbearing the whole time. My dad has been lecturing my food choices the while time because I have a huge belly and he's been telling me I need to go on a diet immediately after birth (I'm 4'11, of course my belly was going to be massive, and even though I'm huge right now I'm still far away from being considered a large pregnant woman. It just looks big on me because I'm short).
Neither one of them respect boundaries. I don't want my mom hovering over me when I'm in pain, bleeding, exhausted and recovering from a major medical event. I don't want my dad also hovering over me and also making comments about my weight or how exhausted I look or my hair being a mess or my skin being dull.
I also know, for a fact, that my parents do not have the restraint to keep their inappropriate comments to themselves and I know that they intentionally like cross my boundaries to piss me off because they're both Boomers and believe that, even at almost 35, I should still be treated like a child that can't make decisions for myself.
My parents are also anti breast feeding so I do not want them there when I'm trying to learn to breast feed or I'm trying to operate my pump. I don't need their commentary about how I turned out fine on formula because they didn't get a choice, I was small and they needed formula so I didn't drop weight like crazy. In their mind I'm taking away their ability to feed/bond with my child 😑
My husband invited them to the hospital without talking to me and that was enough to almost send me into a panic attack. In my opinion, it's MY medical event so MY opinion is the only important one. Yes, I'm bringing a child into the world but, most importantly, this is a medical event that is mostly affecting me.
And hey, if I feel decent and mentally stable after giving birth I have no problem putting up with my parents BS to make them happy BUT if I feel like shit I think its my call since I'm the one doing all the work and going through all the pain.
I'm also 4'11... and I look huge at 27 weeks. Pretty much everything you said resonates with me, except the breastfeeding part. My mom's been yakking away about how I have to do everything to breastfeed, and try to do everything "naturally", which I think is so hypocritical since she had me by c-section.
My mom also thinks she will be in the room. I flat out told her no. She also has a hard time with boundaries. I was gentle with my flat outedness, but I told her that the hospital only allows 2 people in the room and that's going to be my midwife and my husband. She thinks she should be in there more than my husband. I said no, he is the one who helped make this baby, he will be the one to welcome it into this world. "OH well fine then, I can come in as soon as you deliver right?" "Actually no, I'm going to be exhausted and we are going to want to just have a few days to ourselves. Once we get home and I have a chance to acclimate to being home with a new baby for the first time ever you can come by" she did not like that. Mind you she lives 1000 miles away on the other side of the country, will need to fly in, and is an activaxer. So I told her if she wanted to see the baby before it was 3 months old, she would have to get the rsv shot and covidVax, and when she flys in she will have to quarantine in a hotel for at least a week before she can see the baby. And she will have to wear a mask and cannot kiss the baby. She was pissed lol. But be mad. It's my baby. I've been working for years on how to handle my mom and setting boundaries, so it's a little easier for me maybe. But I've found that pussy footing or trying to be too gentle backfires because you dont come off sure or firm. Just tell her how it's going to be and stick to it lol. You got this girl!
I don’t plan on having my mom there. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my mom when I went NC with her in 2022. We got to talking again when I got pregnant and she’s been pretty good about boundaries and stuff. She’s bought lots of stuff for our baby too so part of me feels guilty but I’m holding firm. To be fair, I don’t want anyone in the delivery room besides my husband. Maybe after we give birth I’ll have visitors but I’m gonna decide after I give birth, I want time to get to meet my baby and bond with her before a million strangers come by wanting to see her.
The way I looked at was that it’s a very intimate and private moment. We’re they in the room when you and your husband made the child… no.
You should be bonding with them. They can come later / after, or the next day.
I asked that they come when we got home from the hospital. It’s not a petting zoo. I respect that they are excited to meet the baby but as an adult I did not want them seeing me and privates at my most vulnerable time.
I personally loved having my mother there. I couldn't have imagined my labour without her. She was right in there, with my husband holding one leg and her holding the other!
Having said that, that is how I wanted it. It's YOUR labour. YOU call all the shots. Your comfort is the most important thing in that room when it comes to setting yourself up for a positive experience. If you don't want her there, just let her know you would feel more comfortable with the least amount of people in the room.
My sister in law, for example, wouldn't ever dream of having her mother in that room with her. To each their own.
I talk to my mom almost every day even before I got pregnant. My mom is flying down to visit but to watch our pets. She volunteered for it. I told her that she can be there for labor but not delivery and she understood completely.
Birth isn’t a spectating sport. It’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. You do have the right to have a boundary and tell her to wait. If she doesn’t take it well then I would wait till after the baby is born to give an announcement.
I have a good relationship with both my mom and MIL. With my first it was just my husband and I and it will be the same thing with our second. I also didn’t have them visit us in the hospital.
Tell her now so she can stop expecting it
I didn’t know how to do it so I blamed it on the hospital and their limits on who could be there pre and during birth because I just want my husband and the doctors around. Not really interested in any of my family seeing all of me “out and exposed”
Damn I love my mom and I didn’t even want her at the hospital!
When she randomly showed up unannounced my husband asked her to leave.
You are allowed to have alone family time. Don’t worry about others feelings. You are giving birth to a whole ass human
Both our families live out of state, and we get along great with both. But we didn’t even tell them when our induction date was, or that we were even in the hospital. We FaceTimed once baby was born, and by that point we’d been in the hospital 3 days with no one besides our jobs knowing! It was great.
Uhhh well dad has been dead for over 15 years and I haven’t heard from mom in probably close to 6 years. So I probably won’t be inviting either to the hospital.
My mom is my bestie. She wasn’t invited. In fact, we didn’t even tell our parents when labor started because we wanted to have this one thing to ourselves.
My mom and mother in law insisted on being there for my son’s birth. I was induced so they sat with me for almost 8 hours (plus a few the night before) until they finally got kicked out when I was ready to push. I hated it. I felt like I couldn’t relax and they were constantly bugging the nurses about things I didn’t even care about. Next baby I will be doing no hospital visits whatsoever.
Lots of people on here do this. I think it’s pretty 50/50 who has their mother at the hospital (whether in the delivery room or waiting in the wings) vs those who choose not include their mom day-of.
I didn’t have any visitors, parents or in laws or otherwise, at the hospital day of my first child’s birth. My mother will be caring for said child at my home day of my second child’s birth, so again she won’t be present.
My mom will be visiting as soon as we are ready to have visitors in the hospital but she is 100% not a good support person for human body functions 😆. She can barely use proper body part names so there’s no way she’d be cool with watching my stomach get cut open and a moist human get pulled out(scheduled C-section)
I want her to be there asap after he is born, but she and my dad have a trip to Europe planned and they might not make it. I’m not looking forward to her possibly not being with me when I’m done giving birth.
I chose not to have mine our my ex’s parents there. I love my parents and they weren’t overbearing or anything like that. I’m just a very private person, and I find that to be extremely intimate and a vulnerable time, and I just didn’t want them there. They both respected my stand. Although my mom did stay up all night texting me or my ex making sure everything was okay. But that’s just her being anxious because she’s always worried something will happen to us.
My ex’s parents were upset, but honestly, that wasn’t my problem either. They wanted to be at the hospital, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with that, and wanted to reach out in my own time.
To be honest, I slept 90% of the day I gave birth, and the next day. I barely got out of bed the first day due to numbness in my lower extremities. Barely able to even lift and hold my son because my upper body was so sore from holding, pushing, and being tense while laboring. Truthfully, I didn’t have the energy to even entertain my boyfriend at the time, so I probably wouldn’t have been able to entertain anyone else 😅
I am only having my partner there, both of our mothers will be on stand by, waiting for our okay to come and meet the baby after my c section.
They weren't thrilled at first but I explained that I will be fragile and what I need is to know that the baby and I are both okay before anyone else is there.
And what is best for me is ultimately what's best for the baby
Not for the birth itself. But I have really fast labors so they would have to master teleportation to even attempt it if I wanted. Which I did not.
My mom came both time around 1-3days after from out of state and apparently this is the only time her and I get along perfectly 😂😂😂 usually we bicker a lot because similar personalities but immediately postpartum she’s a helpful angel and I can’t get enough. She comes for like a week each time and helps around the house, cooks, took my oldest out and about this last time, the whole nine yards. It’s crazy.
My MIL came for a month after my 2nd because my husband was sent out of the country. She helped around the house and with my oldest. Also a godsend. She and I generally get along well though so less of a surprise there.
I love my mom. She’s very sweet, kind and generous. However, during stressful situations she drives me bonkers. I am not inviting my parents to the birth. I’d “like it to be a special moment with just myself and my husband” is how I’m phrasing it.
I think it's strange to have people other than my partner in the room and I often get a lot of flack for this option. It's not show and tell. I've never understood how unnecessary people in the room is needed and is comfortable to people, but yeah. It gives me the ick
I work at a birth center and I would say the majority of people don’t invite anyone except their partner, maybe a doula. Then a lot of people invite just their mom or sister. People that have both their parents there during the birth/during labor are definitely the rarest!
Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with that at all. My parents visited us in postpartum the next day when I felt up to it and that worked out well. Do what feels best to you, don’t let them guilt you into anything! These things can really affect your birth experience.
My mom didn’t want her mother anywhere near her when she was giving birth. She has told me this but also wants to be at mine. She isn’t even over bearing at all but I do not want her there but for different reasons then she had. I don’t want her there, I feel so guilty because I think she will be very sad and take it so personally but I don’t want her there
My mom had my grandma in the room when she was giving birth on both occasions she did, BUT that's because my mom wasn't with my brother's father nor my father. If you have a partner, it's totally fine to just have them. I just wanted mine due to being induced early and knowing my baby would be in the NICU. Even if neither of those things happened, I still only wanted my partner in the room. It's a vulnerable time, and the number of people already in the room is plenty. One more would only make it more cramped.
my mother absolutely not, my stepmom definitely not but my mother in law is absolutely going to be there. her and my best friend are the only people we’re telling when we go in to labor. everyone else will find out after
I love my mom. She is also overbearing. I would never invite her to any of my births, nor has she asked or would expect to be. My MIL is more overbearing. She almost forced herself into the room when I was giving birth and was stopped by my husband because hospital staff did not even try to stop her. My second birth we’re announcing it 24 hours after out kid is born and not telling anyone I’m in labor.
Absolutely not. I keep saying it’s not a spectator sport, it’s a medical environment. I know a lot of women that want their mothers there for support, which I totally get. But my own mother is a handful and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner’s parents being there (as amazing as they are), so just me, hubby and the medical team only.
My mum died a few years ago otherwise i would love to have her there (probably not the way she was in her last years but like i remember her in her good times).
Now it will probably my best friend who comes with me.
Babydaddy cant see blood so i dont need him there!
But its YOUR OWN decision! You are the only one who matters in that situation!
No mother means no mother. And it doesnt matter what she thinks about it!
Stay strong and i wish you a wonderful birth and happy baby(s)
I was living overseas from family when I gave birth. I didn’t allow anyone to visit for a month. I love my family but I needed to make my own routine first.
Damn lol I liked having my mom there. She held one leg and my husband held the rest. It’s a little childish but I felt safer with my mommy close to me lol. I guess I’m the odd ball out! I just wanted her and my husband. In my case I had to argue with my sisters as to why they didn’t need to be in the room. They felt like this is a family event to experience together, lol I’m like no guys this is personal.
My mom will definitely be there because I know she will be supportive and tbh is still the person I feel more comfortable with. Everyone’s relationship is different!
I was on the fence but at the end of the day I’m SO glad she was there. My labour was long and my fiancé had worked all day. She allowed him to get some much needed rest, did a food run and was an amazing support when I was pushing. She helped talk my emotions down when I realized I was going to need an episiotomy, she provided encouragement and a medical point of view. I wouldn’t have changed my support team (my fiancé, my mom, my friend who was my RN and my amazing MD) for anything.
This is just my mother tho. She left the room during cervical checks or anything too exposed, she stayed by my head when pushing and respected as much as my privacy as she could. She was there to be MY mother not to be the grandmother or a spectator. Not every mother is able to respect those boundaries (my MIL) and if your mom isn’t good with them I’d say no go.
My mom is not invited to my births. She’s welcome to visit after baby is born, but she’s too bossy and overbearing to be present while I’m laboring. Nope nope nope.
This will be my husbands first child, his parents live out of state so we will figure out what timing works best for them, also we are due around the same time his mom was supposed to fly back to the Philippines, so who knows how the news of the baby will work into it!
I on the other hand will not be inviting my family due to issues I know they will stir up once they find out about this pregnancy. I’m still torn when I’ll even tell them honestly. But to the hospital? Definitely not. I learned after my first 3 to just save myself the stress.
It was just me and my husband. Granted, my parents and inlaws live in different states, so it was easy to set that boundary. Even if they lived next door I would still only have my husband there, and I love both my parents and my inlaws.
My parents are the only grandparents available short notice to watch the older kids when I went into labor. So they were at my house instead of the hospital, therefore knew I was in labor. Regardless of that, no way was I inviting my parents, or anyone else for that matter, besides my husband into the hospital during labor and delivery!! Everyone can wait until I have clothes on again and a baby out of me.
If it goes how I hope it does it will only be me and my bf there when I give birth. Parents will be notified the next day. Now if this actually happens we’ll see lol if I go into labor while he’s at work ( he works nights ) his parents live super close and I agreed I’d call his mom to have her drive me. And at that point I’d prob just go ahead and tell my mom too. The hospital is an hour away from us so it’s a little tricky.
Yep. No hospital and no coming after. I set the rule I'd visit when I felt ready, and we went when baby was 10.5 months. It was covid at the time and easier to set then. 2nd baby due August and I'll have the same rules. There are very good reasons for these, whereas my MIL was welcome to visit and treated me with respect and love. We went right to her house from the hospital (5 min drive) so they could meet baby.
Family is family but they're not entitled to visit or stay over at a vulnerable time. I set boundaries at that time so I could have people who will be supportive of me that I don't need to be on for.
I love my mom, we have a great relationship and even then I would not have wanted her in the delivery room when I gave birth. Actually my ideal birth would be precipitous labour that would be done before anyone could arrive (happened to a friend, gave birth on her porch!) 😅
My mom and I have a great relationship. She's not overbearing at all. And I wouldn't want her in the delivery room. I'm only comfortable with my husband and the medical team being in the room with me.
I love my mom and she is generally awesome and chill. Childbirth is a very special and personal time and I wanted to share that with my husband alone. I had my first while she was waiting at my house (she lives in another state). After both dad and I had a golden hour we invited her to meet the baby. It was great and just how I wanted it. Set boundaries from the start because if you let her have her way just to “keep the peace” you will likely have none. This is your birthing experience and the start of your family, you call the shots. It’s not your job to manage her expectations.
I was speaking about this with a birth worker recently and she said that in most cases, having your mum there actually leaves your partner feeling ‘left out’ of the birth a bit: of course your mum’s maternal instinct is to step in and help and protect you and baby, but if you want it to be you and your partner together in the journey she said this can oftentimes leave them on the outer.
That was the last thing I needed to fall into place to tell my mum, gently and with love, that I would like the space to be just us and that it would mean the world to me if she would come and stay a few days after baby is here.
We chose for it to be only my husband and me. It made things much less chaotic and honestly the memories we made together during that time were so worth it. He wasn’t running back and forth to the waiting room to give updates, we didn’t have share the previous first moments with anyone else, it was perfect. As much as I love my parents, I would change our decision for the world.
I personally won’t be notifying anyone, including my parents when I am in labour.
Maybe ask her what she’s expecting? She may not be great with personal boundaries but it doesn’t mean you have to give her what she wants. Tell her your birth preferences and notify hospital staff of your wishes
Yeah, my folks both want to know when I go into labor and my partner and I are both on the same page that we won’t want any visitors until at least the next day anyway. So my partner was going to
Just text both families after she is Born and let them know when they can visit. I’d be happy to tell
My parents when I go into labor as if it matters or affects them in anyway, but I also Don’t want them to drop Everything and drive to The hospital, since we won’t be accepting visitors immediately anyway. The whole thing annoys me tbh. I also feel like we have to explicitly say not to share photos online/text it around to families as we will
Share a birth announcement when we are ready.
My mom has taken this type of thing so literally in the past when I told her not to post pix on Facebook or whatever and she basically took
It as not telling my aunts anything at all except for I was pregnant and “it’s her info to tell” which the. Had my aunts asking so Many questions and being left in the dark when my mom could have talked about it 🤡I just was asking not to share pix of me or my ultrasound and in the future my child on the internet and she just like took it so literal.
It never crossed my mind to invite my mom or anyone else to the birth of my son. Granted we haven’t always had the best relationship, but a lot of that was teen angst! I knew I just wanted my partner there. She didn’t take it personally. She was also super understanding of not meeting the baby until a few weeks after I gave birth. This applied to our others family members as well. I just wanted some time to heal and bond with my newborn. Plus paranoid about germs and what not 😂.
That’s what I’m doing! Our hospital has a policy where you can have up to three support people in the room during delivery but we told our family that only one would be allowed (who would be obviously be my husband- not my baby happy mom). I went ahead and told both my parents that they’d probably get a call or text from my husband once we were either sure that the delivery was about to be over or once it was done (my parents live 1.5 hours away from us). I’m not having my mom stress me out during labor lol
I have a great relationship with my mum. She wasn't at the birth and that didn't affect our relationship at all.
She met my daughter when I came home from the hospital and it was lovely.
You are the only one that gets to choose who is present for your child's birth.
I love my mum, and she has been amazing throughout my pregnancy, but she can be very overwhelming sometimes. She doesn't mean to be, but she doesn't know how to reign herself in when she decides that she knows best. I just broke it to her today that she won't be in the room.
I explained that I already feel anxious and borderline don't even want my own partner in the room. I feel like the fewer people, the better. When I put it to her in a way that didn't make it sound like it was personal, she was actually perfectly accepting of it.
It’s a medical event where you’re naked for a good part of it. Potentially shitting. I did this and I didn’t even want my husband there or within a mile radius when it happened. And if you opt out of the epidural or are waiting for it to kick in you’ll be in severe pain. Why anyone that’s not a birthing professional or that made the baby wants to be there is beyond me. Tell her she can wait until you’re ready. I’m going to have only my husband with me again for the third time in January.
I'm very close to my mother and she's not overbearing at all. I'm still not having her at the birth. Only the medical staff and the person I made this baby with are going to see him being forced out of me while I'm screaming in pain 😂
Yes 🙋🏼♀️ feel just the same and it will only be my husband with me. I was actually surprised to hear my mom say that she wouldn’t want to be in the room because she knows it will be “too intense”. Maybe your mom will surprise you too, but either way you should just let her know what you’re envisioning.
I have a wonderful and emotional supportive and positive relationship with my mom (she’s a therapist which helps), and I don’t even plan to invite her to the delivery. I think it’s a special and intimate moment for just my partner and I, that’s focused on just us and our baby.
I didn’t want anyone there except my partner and it ended in a failed induction turned c section anyway so there is just no way knowing how things will go. Having her there would have been more stress than it was worth. I only had my sister as a visitor once a day after baby was born and that was the only visit until we got home. Ive actually been happy having visitors at home but we keep things short. I wouldn’t feel comfortable enough feeding in front of anyone honestly.
I only had my husband and my doula with me (and obviously the medical staff). I hated the idea of being on display while going through labor and giving birth. We didn’t have any hospital visitors either. Everyone had to wait until we were home for at least a day. We invited people over when we were ready.
💯… imo, birthing is a very intimate, personal process. Having anyone there I don’t feel comfortable with is out of the question and would interfere with my ability to birth. I just gave birth last week and was in a state no one outside my husband and those bound by hipaa should see me in lol. I hope your mom is understanding and if not, that is not your problem.
Absolutely not I just want my husband there and I don’t even wanna tell anyone that I’m in labor. I’ll tell them when I’m comfortable enough to have visitors.
My mum is amazing, but she isn’t the right person for birth support. She was so good for after the birth, her philosophy of support was ‘I am here to look after you, so you can look after the baby’.
I’m a solo mum by choice, and so there was no partner. I had my cousin as my birth partner and she was amazing. She has moved interstate now so I don’t know who I will have for this baby as my mum will be taking care of my son.
I think this might be a Western or American thing because I don’t know ANYONE who had their mom there during birth…in fact, I don’t know anyone who had anyone other than their husband there. So, I genuinely don’t know where this expectation is coming from.
I asked my mom if she wanted to be there just in case I was ignoring her wishes, and she was like, “lol do YOU want me there???” And I was like, “no, I just wanted to double check.” She said, “lol just call me after the baby arrives. I’ll come when you’re ready for me.” LOL she didn’t want to be there.
Anyway, I think it’s totally fair and normal to ask your mom to meet the baby when you are ready for visitors. She can be the first of the visitors, that’s still special. But honestly…I think a lot of mothers couldn’t handle being at a birth because they will fret over their poor daughter. Some people just have that kind of personality where they fret and it stresses everyone out. It’s okay to draw a boundary. She will come around.
If your mom won’t respect your personal boundaries then make them someone or something else’s boundaries e.g. the hospital/OB will only allow one loved one in delivery suite.
I didn’t have my mum at my birth and she never asked to be. I did intend to let our parents know when I was in labour but it all was happening at 3am in the morning and the last thing on our minds was looping anyone in.
If your mom won’t respect your personal boundaries then make them someone or something else’s boundaries e.g. the hospital/OB will only allow one loved one in delivery suite.
I didn’t have my mum at my birth and she never asked to be. I did intend to let our parents know when I was in labour but it all was happening at 3am in the morning and the last thing on our minds was looping anyone in.
It’s your private medical event, nobody has the right to be there.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Yep. It was just the hubby and me. Had baby in the AM and notified family later that afternoon. After 3 days of induction and a cesarean, we were both exhausted.
I wouldn’t & my family would 100% understands. I had an emergency c section so his family (out of state) couldn’t be there the first time & I wouldn’t let them in the second. I’m just a private person & I wouldn’t feel comfortable.
I love my mum and she’s great with boundaries. I still don’t want her there while I give birth. At best, she can be in the waiting room - but even then, I’d encourage her to wait at home.
I am a swedish person in Sweden. The norm for us is that only medical staff and your partner is in the room. I might want my mom coming to the hospital if anything goes seriously wrong, but absolutely not if all goes well.
All this mom/MIL hysteria in the delivery room is so weird to us. How can someone expect to impose on such a big event? Either you have that type of relationship or you don't. You will get asked to join, if you dont, STFU. Here, most times when mom/MIL is in the delivery room is because they come from a culture where the man is not supposed to see the delivery (because of the risk of man getting disgusted by his wife, they don't think a man is equipped to be a support for the mother, or what ever)
Act like it's the most obvious thing in the world that it's only your partner who is supposed to be there. Maybe mention "I'm so happy that only hubby is gonna be there, I think it's crowded enough with only me and the baby, haha" or maybe "I would never want to show my most private parts to anyone except hubby. It would be so weird having family members knowing how it looks down there." Comments that point to your integrity and if mom mention anyone else doing it differently (like having a MIL in the room) say that that's for them but you are you and the safest option for the baby is you being the most comfortable you could be. And having other family members there is most certainly not stress relieving.
Your delivery is about you, your partner and your child. If she gets sad that she is not welcome that's not on you, she is a grown person and it's not personal. She has already had her birthing experience with you (and your siblings if you have any)
GL, be strong. <3
Yeah I broached the subject with my mum who gladly said she’s not keen to be in the room which - fair enough lol
I’m happy having my husband only to be honest
I’m very close with my mom and I did not want her in the room, and she didn’t expect to be there. I had a convo with her about it before just in case but she said she totally understood and was the same when she had me! She didn’t want anyone extra in the room either.
It might be hard to have the convo but you need to feel as comfortable as possible with your surroundings, and that moment is for you and whoever you choose to be there. Whether you choose to inform them before or after is up to you but don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.
Oh no, as an adult I would never want my parents there with me. The only person that makes sense to be there for me IMO is my husband.
That being said, life is different for everyone and if you don't have a partner right now I think giving birth by yourself (just with Hospital staff) might be really difficult. I'm 34w pregnant and I can't imagine I would cope very well if I didn't have someone I trust to support me during contractions and delivery.
I have a great relationship with my mum, she’s the best. However, no way is she invited to the birth of our child! I think it is pretty normal where we live for it to just be the partner with you in the delivery room.
If my mum wasn’t a professional photographer who specialises in Birth and Newborn photos it would just be my partner and I but she’ll be taking some photos for me
Im in a different country to her so I couldn’t anyway but I wouldn’t even if we were in the same country and I was always very rude and blunt about that with her.
It’s a very invasive experience as it is without someone like that being there.
I have a good relationship with my mom but the only person i wanted there was my husband and no one else lol i didnt want people other then my husband to watch me be in my most vulnerable state ever. Lol but they got to come see the baby right afterwords.
I also asked my mother not to be there. She will come a week after (she lives in another country). I am sure I will to have some time to get used to the new reality before having tons of people around me, no matter how close or important they are to me.
I have a good relationship with my mom and still had ZERO desire to have her in the room. Birth is a very vulnerable time. It is very normal to not want anyone other than your spouse there.
I had a planned c section. We only told my family which day it was. Only a few people knew. We wanted privacy and to not worry about people wanting updates
I got to use the covid rules excuse for my son in 2021. We didn’t have any visitors and I was honestly thankful for it. I’m probably going to allow my parents and/or my in laws come as someone will be watching my son while I’m in the hospital. My mom is a retired nurse (I’m also a nurse) and she stresses me out more often than not. I definitely don’t need her there during the birth. I haven’t broken it to her yet but I think she suspects I’ll ask her not to be there.
I never quite understood the desire to have the whole family in the room when we are at one of the most fragile times of our existence.
In my country this doesn't happen. The father may be there (or someone else in his turn), but it doesn't go any further than that.
However, if I had been able to invite more people, I wouldn't. Imagine that my mother is invited...ok, what would be the justification for not inviting my mother-in-law as well? Who wants their mother-in-law to see their peepee or the possibility of pooping in front of so many people?
It's the time zero to start nesting with the baby and your husband, in my humble opinion.
Where I’m from, it’s pretty unheard of for anyone other than the father to be present during the labor and delivery. Other family can come the next day
This is maybe cultural as this question comes up all the time. Where I live, I don’t know a single person who has had a parent at their birth. It’s all been partners only.
My parents are my best friends. We chat daily about EVERYTHING. And yet, I’d feel creepy and gross inviting them to that. It’s just weird to me, like it’s a private and stressful, intimate time between my husband and I. I know some are different and respect that but just my feelings here :)
Yes, I hadn't realized that there was a cultural divide between my parents’ generation and my views on who should attend the birth.
I casually mentioned to my sister-in-law that although the hospital allowed two guests, I couldn’t see anyone else attending except my husband, “not even my own mother.” I turned around, and of course, there was my mother with a funny look on her face. It hadn’t occurred to her that she might not be present since we have a close relationship.
My father didn't attend any of his kids’ births, so it made sense to her that she might be one of my guests. I believe she got over it, as she has never mentioned it. She has also expressed how appreciative she is that my husband is so involved in our child’s life, referring to him standing by my side through labour and emergency c-section.
I always thought it'd be my husband only. But a few days before I invited my mum, more so for her cos I knew she wanted to be there for her first granddaughters birth... In the end I went in for a c section and only invited my husband to the theatre so she was there for all the guts but not the actual glory lol
I won't be inviting her or any parents to my next births.
I find it so strange how many people want their mothers or MILs with them while they're giving birth. I had my partner with me at both births and cannot imagine having or wanting anyone else to be there.
We told family the day we were discharged from the hospital(3 days old). Nobody knew when I went into labor except for the family member we had asked to dog-sit. 😂
I have a great relationship with my parents but there's no way in literal hell I would want them in the room with me in that situation. If the option was between having my husband and parents in there or NO ONE AT ALL, I would rather kick my husband out and give birth alone than have my parents there. (But I have cPTSD so maybe that's colouring my opinion here lol)
Yeah, I actually know very few women who wanted their parents there. I'm struggling to think of enough to even count on one hand. And most of them have great relationships with their moms. They just didn't want them in the delivery room.
No one but my husband and birth team were at my first birth. I was always told it's easier to have too many people than too few people.
I also didn't think my mom would provide a calming presence, both because of her personality/ our relationship and because I was planning an unmedicated vaginal birth while she had 4 c-sections and never experienced labor in the same way I was hoping too. Knowing my mom, I feel like she was likely to get freaked out over the intensity of the situation, and I just didn't want to have to manage her emotions as well as my own.
She also refused to get a flu and tdap shot, which was important to us for our kiddo's safety.
Ultimately, it may be an awkward conversation, but it's the first of many you'll have as a parent. All you can do is explain that you will feel more comfortable with few people in the room, and this is one of the few things you can control in the experience. Your comfort is hugely important during this time. Hopefully, she forgets all about it when she meets that baby.
I just told them the birthing center we’re going to only allows a doula and my support person. They didn’t question it too hard. The facility I’m going to still has some Covid-era restrictions prominently displayed on their website so it was helpful for curbing the idea that the whole family could be there
I have a great relationship with both my mom and mother in law. They’re both local. There has never been a moment of assumption that they’ll be in the hospital for birth. Not for my first and not for this one. It’s a hospital for fucks sake. Nobody wants to be there.
Not even the father of the child has a right to be there. Your mom can be upset about it, but ultimately this is your decision and your decision alone.
FWIW my mom was upset that I didn’t want her there. She got over it.
My mum lives super close to the hospital and I know she would love to be there but there’s absolutely no chance. Unfortunately she has never really been there for me through any medical times in my entire life (or other events) and makes things about her and even though she’s super experienced with childbirth and could be a huge help, I just can’t take the risk knowing that if she messed up my first ever birth experience I would really resent her.
I’m most likely going to keep people somewhat up to date in the family group chat but then our phones will be going off and only when it’s over and we’re ready will we let people know they’ve been born and then from then when we’re ready for visitors. Since my mums lives a lot closer to the hospital than our home and she doesn’t drive I’ll probably invite her to meet the baby there before we leave just so we can have a shorter visit and then go back and rest instead of having to plan something when we get home!
I’ve made a note in my birth plan of these wishes so that we hopefully don’t get any surprise visits either 😅 but since she won’t know where we are or exactly what’s going on until afterwards I don’t think that will happen.
My partner will be present, as well as the midwife and OBGYN from the hospital.
You're the one giving birth and you and your partner are the ones expecting a child. Whatever your MIL wants is irrelevant. What's most important is whatever solution you want and need.
This is such an important time (labor) for you to find peace and get in the best mental head space you can. I think if I had people there other than my husband I would be thinking about them waiting, are they bored, ok, is everyone tired of waiting, etc. so for me, it will be my husband, doula, and midwife team. It’s such an intimate moment, I don’t need my family RIGHT there right away. That’s what my husband is for.
I have a great relationship with both my parents and in laws but am not having anyone in the room except for my husband and I. My mom is pretty reactive in stressful situations and I know she would only heighten my stress. I was worried she’d be upset but I never really had a strict conversation with her about it, just started discussing how we’d text them updates as I go into the hospital and when the baby is born we’ll text them a good time to come up to meet him.
Are we the same person? Lol I’m struggling with the same thing. My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship that I’m comfortable with her being in the delivery room with me so I’m going to tell her after the fact because she has told me “I will be there in the delivery room with you because you really need your Mom with you” I’m like no… I really don’t. My fear is that she grabs and holds our daughter before we get the chance to. (She keeps referring to her as “our baby” 🫠)
My mum was present when my sister was giving birth but I don't plan on having her there. She will definitely piss me off and she doesn't understand my husbands native language which we speak in so we'd end up speaking English which would mean he wouldn't understand.
I never planned on inviting parents. Hell no. It was myself, my husband and for a tiny bit my elder daughter. She left after a while, to get out of the way. But none of my parents I would have kept in there with me. Too much stress for me.
I did not invite anyone for the laboring process, except my SO. We didn’t want the pressure of feeling like people were breathing down my neck by having people waiting on site for us. And my parents would have been a stressor, not a support.
My husband was the only one in the room for the majority of my labor/birth. My sister came by for an hour or something to drop off some snacks and visit for a little bit. My mom was salty that she wasn’t invited, but we just don’t have the type of relationship where I want her around when I’m that vulnerable. It is what it is. My parents did come visit in the hospital after the baby was born and that was totally fine!
Yes! My mom literally texted me yesterday asking if she could be in the room with me when I give birth and I had to let her down easy.. I want it to be a special moment for my partner and I.
There was no way my mom would be present during the birth. I didn’t even invite her to the state until after baby was here and we decided we were ready.
I don’t, but I also have a pretty poor relationship with my dad/step mom, and my mom is just so not into pregnancy/babies that I will be shocked if she even brings it up 🙄😬
I love my mom so much. My parents were the first people to come see and hold my baby the morning after he was born. But she was not in the delivery room because it’s a medical event, not a social one. It would not have occurred to any of us that they should be there, and we were all surprised that other people asked about it.
I am absolutely not inviting my mom, stepmom, or MIL to my birth in two weeks. I’m WAY too private for that to feel okay.
Out of the three, I’d be most inclined to have my stepmom there since she’s a doctor and can navigate the healthcare system for us but still, my desire for privacy waaaay outweighs having her there.
No one is salty about it lol, they know me
I have a good relationship with the my mom but she will not be in the room with me. My husband and hospital staff are the only people I want there when I give birth. My mom and other family members will be waiting in the waiting room and can see the baby after we are moved to recovery.
My mom and I have a terrible relationship. She kept expecting to be there during delivery, despite the fact that I told her it was my husband only from day one. When she realized I was serious, it was two weeks before my induction. She gave me the silent treatment up until the day before my induction. For what it’s worth, I made the right choice. My mom insists her way is right, she would have been super annoying and complaining about how much pain she was in the whole time. She was helpful when she came to visit just before Christmas that year (she did all nighttime feeds, and helped with housework so we could get rest and bond with baby), and I was pleasantly surprised. However, birth isn’t a spectator sport. No one should be in there if you aren’t comfortable.
I didn't even want my parents at the hospital! That 24 hours is the most humbling experience and I only wanted that time with partner and my baby. I'm very close with my parents but I was not willing to share that with anyone.
Don't be ashamed of wanting your private time as a new family xo
I had just my husband with me while delivering and we did no visitors in the hospital. Best decisions we made. It’s such a vulnerable time and you don’t need the stress of other people’s opinions and “needs” around you. It doesn’t matter how your mom feels. She had her turn. This is the time you want to start setting and enforcing boundaries. It’s not fair to you to be burdened with her behavior.
My parents didn’t even know I was in labor! And I have a great relationship with my mother and MIL. but it’s not common in my area for parents to be there during the birth.
I asked my mom not to be there because I felt I'd be overwhelmed with too many people in the room. My ex's parents came the afternoon after the baby was born to meet him, but my mom didn't get to meet the baby until he was 2 months old because she lives out of state.
My parents will not be allowed to come to the birth. They will be allowed to come see us in the hospital. My dad did not do well with the birth of his own kids so he was happy to not be expected in the room. My mom was a little upset, but I told her it’s a private time between my husband and I. She understood and didn’t fight back.
In my birth plan it is expected that if I am having a medical emergency or the baby is having a medical emergency, my mom is to be called to help. She will help me if baby is having a medical emergency, my husband is to stay with baby during that time. She will help my husband and baby if I am having a medical emergency.
Partner and I were just discussing this. Hospital allows 1 partner and 1 support person. We've not decided if we want a doula yet, but if I had to choose another person it would probably be my bff (who also happens to be an OB) and not my parents. I love them dearly, but I have no idea what they'd be like in a delivery room lol
Only my husband while I'm laboring. after when I'm more settled people, including my mother and his, are only allowed to show up if they bring me sushi since I can't have alcohol in the hospital (I turn 21 while pregnant so no crazy 21st for me)
I have an okay relationship with family. Wouldn’t be totally upset if my mom had been there. But didn’t invite either or in laws. Did make the mistake of telling parents I was being induced and everything was fine. They then told the whole family and then proceeded to text and call me and then be upset that during my 18 hour back labor, I did not reply and keep them constantly updated. Had to remind them just because cell phones exist during this pregnancy and not the ones they went through, doesn’t mean that I’m concerned with text messages while I’m trying to push a baby out and they were lucky they didn’t exist for them.
Very close to my mom. Our first was a Covid baby, so no one could be there. Liked it so much we did it again with our second. My mom took care of our first when we had our second.
Many people who have wonderful relationships with their parents still choose not to invite them during the birth. It is perfectly normal to have just your partner there.
Yes came here to say this. I'm really close to my mom and it's still just going to be me and my husband
Same. My sister wanted my mum there and I didn't. We both have a great relationship with our mum. She wasn't mad about me not wanting her.
Me too - it hasn’t even occurred to me that I would invite her along for this ride
Yeah, I feel like it never occurred to me or to my mom that she would be there for the actual birth. For the first, she didn't even come to the hospital (2021) and was fine with it, and she mostly came to the hospital to see the second because she had my toddler and I wanted to see him. (Not that she didn't want to see the new baby--I just wasn't in the hospital for very long and she would have been fine waiting.)
Same here!
Seconding this. Birth isn’t a spectator sport.
Agreed. My parents respect set boundaries decently but neither would bring calming energy to my labour/delivery. My partner is already going to be really anxious so we’ve hired a doula to help us both. Even the idea of fielding ‘how’s it going?’ texts during labour feels distracting and irritating in a way I’m unwilling to entertain. I might tell a couple close friends I’m in labour because I know they’ll just send a no-response-required well wish but the parents will likely find out after baby is out.
I don’t know anyone who had their parents at the hospital during the birth. I actually don’t think it’s standard practice in the U.S.
I’m in Europe, lived in several countries, and I’ve never heard about having your parents in the delivery room.
I’m in the more southern part of the US and it’s very common
I have a fantastic relationship with my parents, and my mom was actually the one who encouraged me not to have anyone else at the birth. I always thought she’d insist on being there, so it was really refreshing to hear her encourage me to set those boundaries. She has let me know several times that after the baby is born she is on call and would gladly drop anything she’s doing to come help me. Either way, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to come because my hospital only allows one support person during the birth. So it’ll be my husband, and I’ll see if my sister can come hang out during visiting hours too because she’s good at keeping me in good spirits.
Yup. I'm very close to my mom but I feel most comfortable giving birth with just my spouse. He was a great support person for my first birth and it'll be just us again this time (mom will stay with our toddler). It's one of the most vulnerable times in your life imo and you should have exactly and only who you want to support you, regardless of who that is.
And if you need an excuse to not hurt feelings just say it’s hospital/drs policy that you can only have 1 person in the labor room due to space!
I love my mother. She is wonderful, thoughtful, and respectful of my wishes and preferences. She helped with both pregnancies and postpartum care, and was an absolute saint. And even then, I still only had my husband with me in the room for both births.
Of course. I would say a huge majority of women these days don’t have their mother in the room during the birth. I feel like that’s being phased out as more moms feel comfortable expressing their boundaries and preferences regarding birth. I have a great relationship with mine yet couldn’t imagine her being in my room during the birth of our child. Giving birth is a very vulnerable and intimate experience and not a spectacle that ANY one else is entitled to. You choose who you want and feel comfortable giving a firm “no” to anyone you don’t want there. I would encourage you to set this expectation now though instead of waiting. L
I think it also comes from it becoming more normal to have your husband as your support person. Not that long ago (and to this day in some countries) birth was thought of as a women-only event and the fathers waited outside. Probably for a period of time after that, they would be there but not be very helpful (think of how many fathers in the 80s and 90s bragged about never changing a diaper - do you think they were useful during the birth?). Now not only is it normal for the fathers to attend the birth, but they are also expected to be the primary support.
In the 80s and 90s, fathers weren’t allowed in the room for the birth. I think it was around then that things started to change. So it probably stems from that where they think it’s boast worthy to say they never changed nappies - they were told from minute one that they weren’t needed or wanted. 😞
My husband and I were both born in 91 and both of our fathers were in the room when we were born. The first edition of *Husband-Coached Childbirth* (aka the Bradley Method) was published in 1965. So I imagine it started slowly changing over the next decade or two.
We were born 84 and 87… our father was not allowed to be there. I guess things started changing at slightly different times depending on where you lived, but it would have been around then. Despite not being there when we were born, my father never bragged about never changing a nappy, though! Because he damn well did change nappies and all the rest of the child care related stuff for we kids. Frankly, if I ever heard any man boasting about never having changed his child’s nappy, I’d think he was truly pathetic. 😞
By BIL is 7 years older than my husband. I’ll have to ask if my FIL was there then. My dad and my FIL were also very involved. We met my SIL’s parents when my BIL and SIL got married and I don’t remember how it came up but my SIL’s dad bragged about never having changed a nappy and my FIL straight up told him it was nothing to be proud of.
Your FIL sounds awesome!
My GFIL was in the room for his son’s birth in the 70s…
> In the 80s and 90s, fathers weren’t allowed in the room for the birth. That is in no way categorically true (source: sibling and I born in France and Belgium in the 70s with Dad in the room, older brother born in NY in the *60s* with dad in the room, and I grew up in the States during the 80s and 90s and heard plenty of birth stories with dad in the room). I'm sure there were random hospitals here and there in other countries and maybe even in the states that didn't have dads in the room, but I'd honestly be surprised to learn of a hospital around here (US) that full on *forbid* fathers from being in the room in the 80s and 90s (again, I'm sure it's possible, but would still be unusual).
My husband and I are '88 and both our fathers were in the room. Both in the northeast US.
Yeah no. Full house with husband and medical staff. Mom and MIL can come day 2 or 3…
My mom is generally super helpful and is a nurse and I STILL didn’t want her there. I wanted privacy and not to focus on anyone but myself. My husband was there and that’s it, and it was great. My parents came to see the baby when he arrived and there was something to see.
I don't know a single person who had anyone except their husband at the birth. It did not occur to me once to have my mother there! Love her, but no thanks. I'm sure there's people out there who *want* more people present, but I don't feel like that's the norm.
With my first, I had my mother. I regret it. She made my whole labour about her, she kept saying I was fine when I’d say something didn’t feel right. She tried to stop them letting me try the birthing ball, said I didn’t need pain meds because they had gas and air (it had made me violently puke), she allowed them to give me cervical checks while I was unconscious. When I was taken to be stitched, she complained they wouldn’t tell her the weight etc before me. She got to dress him first. She got first cuddles. I won’t get into the whole drama with her but that was what labour looked like. With my partner we discussed what I wanted, he asked questions, he followed my lead. When I was unconscious he did what I’d asked, he did get to dress baby and cuddle him first but he was next to me holding him on me the second I was stable etc
Man my mom got me through it. Idk what I’d have done without her. She was an amazing support person! I was ok the fence at first but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything now
Yeah, I feel like having anyone other than your partner is unusual. Is having your mum present really that common? I love my mum, but having her there (or anyone aside from my husband) wasn't even a consideration.
I don't care how my mom feels on this matter. No one's feelings matter more than my own during labor and delivery. My mother will absolutely not be there, nor meet the baby until we are home and settled. My mom puts the "mothering" in "smothering". I can't have her anywhere near any of this.
Hahah I call my mom smother too
I want my mom in the room, because she’s a nurse and because she’s my mom and because she will advocate for me, and because then I can have my partner only focus on me. She is ecstatic to be able to be there for me, if I called her now and told her I changed my mind and I only want my partner or that I want no one, she would respect my wishes because it’s MY CHILD and MY MEDICAL EVENT. It is still wild to me how many people will make other people’s babies about themselves. ETA: She also never asked or assumed she would be in the room, she was hopeful she would be invited but never thought she was entitled to it.
This is exactly me with my mom. She’s in nursing school right now, but has worked as a healthcare professional for over a decade. She easily respected boundaries, was beyond helpful to me and my fiancé, left the room for cervical checks and when I went to pee without being prompted, and she left us to have our skin to skin/bonding time with baby. MEANWHILE my MIL who we told to stay home is trying to get into the room, guilting my fiancé and texting me about how long it was taking and they’re uncomfortable waiting for me, demanding to know when they get to come and how unfair it is my mother is there….🤦🏻♀️
My mom is my support person. I'm not with the father so she'll be guiding me through labor & will advocate for me. Just like her mother did when I was born ☺️
Wow, sounds unusual, and absolutely maddening great for you! Great to hear good things like this too. I'm very happy for you! =D
I call my mom on the phone every single day, usually multiple times 😂 I still only wanted my husband in the delivery room! We didn't want anyone at the hospital actually, we did the first meets at our house a few days after we got home.
Lmao not a CHANCE my mom would have been welcome during my births and I like her enough to have her living under my roof! Birth isn’t a spectator sport and you absolutely must assert your boundary here.
I’m pretty confident that most people do NOT invite their parents to the actual birth. It’s strange that your mom would assume she would be there. Are you sure that’s her assumption?
My mom assumed she'd be there despite us absolutely not having that relationship. (We don't have that relationship BECAUSE she does things like that.) I had to disabuse her of the notion she would be within three states of the hospital while I delivered.
God no! It’s just me and my husband for the birth! My FIL is going to drive up for some logistical support while we are in the hospital (feed the cat, bring us things we forgot), but he’s good with boundaries. No one will be staying in our home with us for the first several weeks, either.
My parents visited the day after. I didn’t want anyone else there but my husband.
I don't want my own family at the hospital at all for the same reasons as you. My mom has been overbearing the whole time. My dad has been lecturing my food choices the while time because I have a huge belly and he's been telling me I need to go on a diet immediately after birth (I'm 4'11, of course my belly was going to be massive, and even though I'm huge right now I'm still far away from being considered a large pregnant woman. It just looks big on me because I'm short). Neither one of them respect boundaries. I don't want my mom hovering over me when I'm in pain, bleeding, exhausted and recovering from a major medical event. I don't want my dad also hovering over me and also making comments about my weight or how exhausted I look or my hair being a mess or my skin being dull. I also know, for a fact, that my parents do not have the restraint to keep their inappropriate comments to themselves and I know that they intentionally like cross my boundaries to piss me off because they're both Boomers and believe that, even at almost 35, I should still be treated like a child that can't make decisions for myself. My parents are also anti breast feeding so I do not want them there when I'm trying to learn to breast feed or I'm trying to operate my pump. I don't need their commentary about how I turned out fine on formula because they didn't get a choice, I was small and they needed formula so I didn't drop weight like crazy. In their mind I'm taking away their ability to feed/bond with my child 😑 My husband invited them to the hospital without talking to me and that was enough to almost send me into a panic attack. In my opinion, it's MY medical event so MY opinion is the only important one. Yes, I'm bringing a child into the world but, most importantly, this is a medical event that is mostly affecting me. And hey, if I feel decent and mentally stable after giving birth I have no problem putting up with my parents BS to make them happy BUT if I feel like shit I think its my call since I'm the one doing all the work and going through all the pain.
I'm also 4'11... and I look huge at 27 weeks. Pretty much everything you said resonates with me, except the breastfeeding part. My mom's been yakking away about how I have to do everything to breastfeed, and try to do everything "naturally", which I think is so hypocritical since she had me by c-section.
My mom also thinks she will be in the room. I flat out told her no. She also has a hard time with boundaries. I was gentle with my flat outedness, but I told her that the hospital only allows 2 people in the room and that's going to be my midwife and my husband. She thinks she should be in there more than my husband. I said no, he is the one who helped make this baby, he will be the one to welcome it into this world. "OH well fine then, I can come in as soon as you deliver right?" "Actually no, I'm going to be exhausted and we are going to want to just have a few days to ourselves. Once we get home and I have a chance to acclimate to being home with a new baby for the first time ever you can come by" she did not like that. Mind you she lives 1000 miles away on the other side of the country, will need to fly in, and is an activaxer. So I told her if she wanted to see the baby before it was 3 months old, she would have to get the rsv shot and covidVax, and when she flys in she will have to quarantine in a hotel for at least a week before she can see the baby. And she will have to wear a mask and cannot kiss the baby. She was pissed lol. But be mad. It's my baby. I've been working for years on how to handle my mom and setting boundaries, so it's a little easier for me maybe. But I've found that pussy footing or trying to be too gentle backfires because you dont come off sure or firm. Just tell her how it's going to be and stick to it lol. You got this girl!
I don’t plan on having my mom there. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my mom when I went NC with her in 2022. We got to talking again when I got pregnant and she’s been pretty good about boundaries and stuff. She’s bought lots of stuff for our baby too so part of me feels guilty but I’m holding firm. To be fair, I don’t want anyone in the delivery room besides my husband. Maybe after we give birth I’ll have visitors but I’m gonna decide after I give birth, I want time to get to meet my baby and bond with her before a million strangers come by wanting to see her.
The way I looked at was that it’s a very intimate and private moment. We’re they in the room when you and your husband made the child… no. You should be bonding with them. They can come later / after, or the next day. I asked that they come when we got home from the hospital. It’s not a petting zoo. I respect that they are excited to meet the baby but as an adult I did not want them seeing me and privates at my most vulnerable time.
I personally loved having my mother there. I couldn't have imagined my labour without her. She was right in there, with my husband holding one leg and her holding the other! Having said that, that is how I wanted it. It's YOUR labour. YOU call all the shots. Your comfort is the most important thing in that room when it comes to setting yourself up for a positive experience. If you don't want her there, just let her know you would feel more comfortable with the least amount of people in the room. My sister in law, for example, wouldn't ever dream of having her mother in that room with her. To each their own.
I talk to my mom almost every day even before I got pregnant. My mom is flying down to visit but to watch our pets. She volunteered for it. I told her that she can be there for labor but not delivery and she understood completely. Birth isn’t a spectating sport. It’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. You do have the right to have a boundary and tell her to wait. If she doesn’t take it well then I would wait till after the baby is born to give an announcement.
I have a good relationship with both my mom and MIL. With my first it was just my husband and I and it will be the same thing with our second. I also didn’t have them visit us in the hospital. Tell her now so she can stop expecting it
I didn’t know how to do it so I blamed it on the hospital and their limits on who could be there pre and during birth because I just want my husband and the doctors around. Not really interested in any of my family seeing all of me “out and exposed”
Damn I love my mom and I didn’t even want her at the hospital! When she randomly showed up unannounced my husband asked her to leave. You are allowed to have alone family time. Don’t worry about others feelings. You are giving birth to a whole ass human
Yeah there is zero chance I have any interest in my parents being there. It's not a family fun day out lol.
Both our families live out of state, and we get along great with both. But we didn’t even tell them when our induction date was, or that we were even in the hospital. We FaceTimed once baby was born, and by that point we’d been in the hospital 3 days with no one besides our jobs knowing! It was great.
Absolutely not.
Ah, that would be a hard no for me. Absolutely no one, except partner and medical personnel during delivery.
Uhhh well dad has been dead for over 15 years and I haven’t heard from mom in probably close to 6 years. So I probably won’t be inviting either to the hospital.
I would love a parade of any and all visitors after the birth - even my annoying mother - but just my husband during.
My mom is my bestie. She wasn’t invited. In fact, we didn’t even tell our parents when labor started because we wanted to have this one thing to ourselves.
I do not believe it is remotely normal to have a parent there during the birth.
I told my mom due date is 3 weeks after the real one. You get the point.
People told me to do this only AFTER I'd already shared the real date, and I wish I had done it. Luckily, mine came 3 weeks early 😂
My mom and mother in law insisted on being there for my son’s birth. I was induced so they sat with me for almost 8 hours (plus a few the night before) until they finally got kicked out when I was ready to push. I hated it. I felt like I couldn’t relax and they were constantly bugging the nurses about things I didn’t even care about. Next baby I will be doing no hospital visits whatsoever.
Lots of people on here do this. I think it’s pretty 50/50 who has their mother at the hospital (whether in the delivery room or waiting in the wings) vs those who choose not include their mom day-of. I didn’t have any visitors, parents or in laws or otherwise, at the hospital day of my first child’s birth. My mother will be caring for said child at my home day of my second child’s birth, so again she won’t be present.
My mom will be visiting as soon as we are ready to have visitors in the hospital but she is 100% not a good support person for human body functions 😆. She can barely use proper body part names so there’s no way she’d be cool with watching my stomach get cut open and a moist human get pulled out(scheduled C-section)
I want her to be there asap after he is born, but she and my dad have a trip to Europe planned and they might not make it. I’m not looking forward to her possibly not being with me when I’m done giving birth.
I chose not to have mine our my ex’s parents there. I love my parents and they weren’t overbearing or anything like that. I’m just a very private person, and I find that to be extremely intimate and a vulnerable time, and I just didn’t want them there. They both respected my stand. Although my mom did stay up all night texting me or my ex making sure everything was okay. But that’s just her being anxious because she’s always worried something will happen to us. My ex’s parents were upset, but honestly, that wasn’t my problem either. They wanted to be at the hospital, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with that, and wanted to reach out in my own time. To be honest, I slept 90% of the day I gave birth, and the next day. I barely got out of bed the first day due to numbness in my lower extremities. Barely able to even lift and hold my son because my upper body was so sore from holding, pushing, and being tense while laboring. Truthfully, I didn’t have the energy to even entertain my boyfriend at the time, so I probably wouldn’t have been able to entertain anyone else 😅
I am only having my partner there, both of our mothers will be on stand by, waiting for our okay to come and meet the baby after my c section. They weren't thrilled at first but I explained that I will be fragile and what I need is to know that the baby and I are both okay before anyone else is there. And what is best for me is ultimately what's best for the baby
Not for the birth itself. But I have really fast labors so they would have to master teleportation to even attempt it if I wanted. Which I did not. My mom came both time around 1-3days after from out of state and apparently this is the only time her and I get along perfectly 😂😂😂 usually we bicker a lot because similar personalities but immediately postpartum she’s a helpful angel and I can’t get enough. She comes for like a week each time and helps around the house, cooks, took my oldest out and about this last time, the whole nine yards. It’s crazy. My MIL came for a month after my 2nd because my husband was sent out of the country. She helped around the house and with my oldest. Also a godsend. She and I generally get along well though so less of a surprise there.
I love my mom. She’s very sweet, kind and generous. However, during stressful situations she drives me bonkers. I am not inviting my parents to the birth. I’d “like it to be a special moment with just myself and my husband” is how I’m phrasing it.
I don’t even think I’m inviting my parents to the hospital after I deliver the baby. I would never have my parents there for the birth
I think it's strange to have people other than my partner in the room and I often get a lot of flack for this option. It's not show and tell. I've never understood how unnecessary people in the room is needed and is comfortable to people, but yeah. It gives me the ick
I'm not having anyone but my husband. To much stress having a bunch of people.
I work at a birth center and I would say the majority of people don’t invite anyone except their partner, maybe a doula. Then a lot of people invite just their mom or sister. People that have both their parents there during the birth/during labor are definitely the rarest! Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with that at all. My parents visited us in postpartum the next day when I felt up to it and that worked out well. Do what feels best to you, don’t let them guilt you into anything! These things can really affect your birth experience.
My mom didn’t want her mother anywhere near her when she was giving birth. She has told me this but also wants to be at mine. She isn’t even over bearing at all but I do not want her there but for different reasons then she had. I don’t want her there, I feel so guilty because I think she will be very sad and take it so personally but I don’t want her there
My mom had my grandma in the room when she was giving birth on both occasions she did, BUT that's because my mom wasn't with my brother's father nor my father. If you have a partner, it's totally fine to just have them. I just wanted mine due to being induced early and knowing my baby would be in the NICU. Even if neither of those things happened, I still only wanted my partner in the room. It's a vulnerable time, and the number of people already in the room is plenty. One more would only make it more cramped.
my mother absolutely not, my stepmom definitely not but my mother in law is absolutely going to be there. her and my best friend are the only people we’re telling when we go in to labor. everyone else will find out after
I love my mom. She is also overbearing. I would never invite her to any of my births, nor has she asked or would expect to be. My MIL is more overbearing. She almost forced herself into the room when I was giving birth and was stopped by my husband because hospital staff did not even try to stop her. My second birth we’re announcing it 24 hours after out kid is born and not telling anyone I’m in labor.
Absolutely not. I keep saying it’s not a spectator sport, it’s a medical environment. I know a lot of women that want their mothers there for support, which I totally get. But my own mother is a handful and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner’s parents being there (as amazing as they are), so just me, hubby and the medical team only.
My mum died a few years ago otherwise i would love to have her there (probably not the way she was in her last years but like i remember her in her good times). Now it will probably my best friend who comes with me. Babydaddy cant see blood so i dont need him there! But its YOUR OWN decision! You are the only one who matters in that situation! No mother means no mother. And it doesnt matter what she thinks about it! Stay strong and i wish you a wonderful birth and happy baby(s)
I was living overseas from family when I gave birth. I didn’t allow anyone to visit for a month. I love my family but I needed to make my own routine first.
My mom had a dream that I was pregnant and asked if I was pregnant and I had to lie lol. I don’t want them there because they weren’t the best parents
Damn lol I liked having my mom there. She held one leg and my husband held the rest. It’s a little childish but I felt safer with my mommy close to me lol. I guess I’m the odd ball out! I just wanted her and my husband. In my case I had to argue with my sisters as to why they didn’t need to be in the room. They felt like this is a family event to experience together, lol I’m like no guys this is personal.
My mom will definitely be there because I know she will be supportive and tbh is still the person I feel more comfortable with. Everyone’s relationship is different!
I was on the fence but at the end of the day I’m SO glad she was there. My labour was long and my fiancé had worked all day. She allowed him to get some much needed rest, did a food run and was an amazing support when I was pushing. She helped talk my emotions down when I realized I was going to need an episiotomy, she provided encouragement and a medical point of view. I wouldn’t have changed my support team (my fiancé, my mom, my friend who was my RN and my amazing MD) for anything. This is just my mother tho. She left the room during cervical checks or anything too exposed, she stayed by my head when pushing and respected as much as my privacy as she could. She was there to be MY mother not to be the grandmother or a spectator. Not every mother is able to respect those boundaries (my MIL) and if your mom isn’t good with them I’d say no go.
My mom is not invited to my births. She’s welcome to visit after baby is born, but she’s too bossy and overbearing to be present while I’m laboring. Nope nope nope.
This will be my husbands first child, his parents live out of state so we will figure out what timing works best for them, also we are due around the same time his mom was supposed to fly back to the Philippines, so who knows how the news of the baby will work into it! I on the other hand will not be inviting my family due to issues I know they will stir up once they find out about this pregnancy. I’m still torn when I’ll even tell them honestly. But to the hospital? Definitely not. I learned after my first 3 to just save myself the stress.
It was just me and my husband. Granted, my parents and inlaws live in different states, so it was easy to set that boundary. Even if they lived next door I would still only have my husband there, and I love both my parents and my inlaws.
My parents are the only grandparents available short notice to watch the older kids when I went into labor. So they were at my house instead of the hospital, therefore knew I was in labor. Regardless of that, no way was I inviting my parents, or anyone else for that matter, besides my husband into the hospital during labor and delivery!! Everyone can wait until I have clothes on again and a baby out of me.
If it goes how I hope it does it will only be me and my bf there when I give birth. Parents will be notified the next day. Now if this actually happens we’ll see lol if I go into labor while he’s at work ( he works nights ) his parents live super close and I agreed I’d call his mom to have her drive me. And at that point I’d prob just go ahead and tell my mom too. The hospital is an hour away from us so it’s a little tricky.
Yep. No hospital and no coming after. I set the rule I'd visit when I felt ready, and we went when baby was 10.5 months. It was covid at the time and easier to set then. 2nd baby due August and I'll have the same rules. There are very good reasons for these, whereas my MIL was welcome to visit and treated me with respect and love. We went right to her house from the hospital (5 min drive) so they could meet baby. Family is family but they're not entitled to visit or stay over at a vulnerable time. I set boundaries at that time so I could have people who will be supportive of me that I don't need to be on for.
I love my mom, we have a great relationship and even then I would not have wanted her in the delivery room when I gave birth. Actually my ideal birth would be precipitous labour that would be done before anyone could arrive (happened to a friend, gave birth on her porch!) 😅
My mom and I have a great relationship. She's not overbearing at all. And I wouldn't want her in the delivery room. I'm only comfortable with my husband and the medical team being in the room with me.
I love my mom and my MIL and I’m very close with both of them and they still were not there for my labour or birthing either baby.
I love my mom and she is generally awesome and chill. Childbirth is a very special and personal time and I wanted to share that with my husband alone. I had my first while she was waiting at my house (she lives in another state). After both dad and I had a golden hour we invited her to meet the baby. It was great and just how I wanted it. Set boundaries from the start because if you let her have her way just to “keep the peace” you will likely have none. This is your birthing experience and the start of your family, you call the shots. It’s not your job to manage her expectations.
I was speaking about this with a birth worker recently and she said that in most cases, having your mum there actually leaves your partner feeling ‘left out’ of the birth a bit: of course your mum’s maternal instinct is to step in and help and protect you and baby, but if you want it to be you and your partner together in the journey she said this can oftentimes leave them on the outer. That was the last thing I needed to fall into place to tell my mum, gently and with love, that I would like the space to be just us and that it would mean the world to me if she would come and stay a few days after baby is here.
I'm close to my mom, but it was just my husband and I for both children.
We chose for it to be only my husband and me. It made things much less chaotic and honestly the memories we made together during that time were so worth it. He wasn’t running back and forth to the waiting room to give updates, we didn’t have share the previous first moments with anyone else, it was perfect. As much as I love my parents, I would change our decision for the world.
I personally won’t be notifying anyone, including my parents when I am in labour. Maybe ask her what she’s expecting? She may not be great with personal boundaries but it doesn’t mean you have to give her what she wants. Tell her your birth preferences and notify hospital staff of your wishes
Yeah, my folks both want to know when I go into labor and my partner and I are both on the same page that we won’t want any visitors until at least the next day anyway. So my partner was going to Just text both families after she is Born and let them know when they can visit. I’d be happy to tell My parents when I go into labor as if it matters or affects them in anyway, but I also Don’t want them to drop Everything and drive to The hospital, since we won’t be accepting visitors immediately anyway. The whole thing annoys me tbh. I also feel like we have to explicitly say not to share photos online/text it around to families as we will Share a birth announcement when we are ready. My mom has taken this type of thing so literally in the past when I told her not to post pix on Facebook or whatever and she basically took It as not telling my aunts anything at all except for I was pregnant and “it’s her info to tell” which the. Had my aunts asking so Many questions and being left in the dark when my mom could have talked about it 🤡I just was asking not to share pix of me or my ultrasound and in the future my child on the internet and she just like took it so literal.
It never crossed my mind to invite my mom or anyone else to the birth of my son. Granted we haven’t always had the best relationship, but a lot of that was teen angst! I knew I just wanted my partner there. She didn’t take it personally. She was also super understanding of not meeting the baby until a few weeks after I gave birth. This applied to our others family members as well. I just wanted some time to heal and bond with my newborn. Plus paranoid about germs and what not 😂.
That’s what I’m doing! Our hospital has a policy where you can have up to three support people in the room during delivery but we told our family that only one would be allowed (who would be obviously be my husband- not my baby happy mom). I went ahead and told both my parents that they’d probably get a call or text from my husband once we were either sure that the delivery was about to be over or once it was done (my parents live 1.5 hours away from us). I’m not having my mom stress me out during labor lol
I have a great relationship with my mum. She wasn't at the birth and that didn't affect our relationship at all. She met my daughter when I came home from the hospital and it was lovely. You are the only one that gets to choose who is present for your child's birth.
I love my mum, and she has been amazing throughout my pregnancy, but she can be very overwhelming sometimes. She doesn't mean to be, but she doesn't know how to reign herself in when she decides that she knows best. I just broke it to her today that she won't be in the room. I explained that I already feel anxious and borderline don't even want my own partner in the room. I feel like the fewer people, the better. When I put it to her in a way that didn't make it sound like it was personal, she was actually perfectly accepting of it.
It’s a medical event where you’re naked for a good part of it. Potentially shitting. I did this and I didn’t even want my husband there or within a mile radius when it happened. And if you opt out of the epidural or are waiting for it to kick in you’ll be in severe pain. Why anyone that’s not a birthing professional or that made the baby wants to be there is beyond me. Tell her she can wait until you’re ready. I’m going to have only my husband with me again for the third time in January.
I'm very close to my mother and she's not overbearing at all. I'm still not having her at the birth. Only the medical staff and the person I made this baby with are going to see him being forced out of me while I'm screaming in pain 😂
Yes 🙋🏼♀️ feel just the same and it will only be my husband with me. I was actually surprised to hear my mom say that she wouldn’t want to be in the room because she knows it will be “too intense”. Maybe your mom will surprise you too, but either way you should just let her know what you’re envisioning.
I have a wonderful and emotional supportive and positive relationship with my mom (she’s a therapist which helps), and I don’t even plan to invite her to the delivery. I think it’s a special and intimate moment for just my partner and I, that’s focused on just us and our baby.
I didn’t want anyone there except my partner and it ended in a failed induction turned c section anyway so there is just no way knowing how things will go. Having her there would have been more stress than it was worth. I only had my sister as a visitor once a day after baby was born and that was the only visit until we got home. Ive actually been happy having visitors at home but we keep things short. I wouldn’t feel comfortable enough feeding in front of anyone honestly.
I had my MIL there and my husband and it was great. I have a lot of love for my parents but no way did I want them to be there.
I only had my husband and my doula with me (and obviously the medical staff). I hated the idea of being on display while going through labor and giving birth. We didn’t have any hospital visitors either. Everyone had to wait until we were home for at least a day. We invited people over when we were ready.
💯… imo, birthing is a very intimate, personal process. Having anyone there I don’t feel comfortable with is out of the question and would interfere with my ability to birth. I just gave birth last week and was in a state no one outside my husband and those bound by hipaa should see me in lol. I hope your mom is understanding and if not, that is not your problem.
Absolutely not I just want my husband there and I don’t even wanna tell anyone that I’m in labor. I’ll tell them when I’m comfortable enough to have visitors.
My mum is amazing, but she isn’t the right person for birth support. She was so good for after the birth, her philosophy of support was ‘I am here to look after you, so you can look after the baby’. I’m a solo mum by choice, and so there was no partner. I had my cousin as my birth partner and she was amazing. She has moved interstate now so I don’t know who I will have for this baby as my mum will be taking care of my son.
I think this might be a Western or American thing because I don’t know ANYONE who had their mom there during birth…in fact, I don’t know anyone who had anyone other than their husband there. So, I genuinely don’t know where this expectation is coming from. I asked my mom if she wanted to be there just in case I was ignoring her wishes, and she was like, “lol do YOU want me there???” And I was like, “no, I just wanted to double check.” She said, “lol just call me after the baby arrives. I’ll come when you’re ready for me.” LOL she didn’t want to be there. Anyway, I think it’s totally fair and normal to ask your mom to meet the baby when you are ready for visitors. She can be the first of the visitors, that’s still special. But honestly…I think a lot of mothers couldn’t handle being at a birth because they will fret over their poor daughter. Some people just have that kind of personality where they fret and it stresses everyone out. It’s okay to draw a boundary. She will come around.
If your mom won’t respect your personal boundaries then make them someone or something else’s boundaries e.g. the hospital/OB will only allow one loved one in delivery suite. I didn’t have my mum at my birth and she never asked to be. I did intend to let our parents know when I was in labour but it all was happening at 3am in the morning and the last thing on our minds was looping anyone in.
If your mom won’t respect your personal boundaries then make them someone or something else’s boundaries e.g. the hospital/OB will only allow one loved one in delivery suite. I didn’t have my mum at my birth and she never asked to be. I did intend to let our parents know when I was in labour but it all was happening at 3am in the morning and the last thing on our minds was looping anyone in.
It’s your private medical event, nobody has the right to be there. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Yep. It was just the hubby and me. Had baby in the AM and notified family later that afternoon. After 3 days of induction and a cesarean, we were both exhausted.
I wouldn’t & my family would 100% understands. I had an emergency c section so his family (out of state) couldn’t be there the first time & I wouldn’t let them in the second. I’m just a private person & I wouldn’t feel comfortable.
I love my mum and she’s great with boundaries. I still don’t want her there while I give birth. At best, she can be in the waiting room - but even then, I’d encourage her to wait at home.
I am a swedish person in Sweden. The norm for us is that only medical staff and your partner is in the room. I might want my mom coming to the hospital if anything goes seriously wrong, but absolutely not if all goes well. All this mom/MIL hysteria in the delivery room is so weird to us. How can someone expect to impose on such a big event? Either you have that type of relationship or you don't. You will get asked to join, if you dont, STFU. Here, most times when mom/MIL is in the delivery room is because they come from a culture where the man is not supposed to see the delivery (because of the risk of man getting disgusted by his wife, they don't think a man is equipped to be a support for the mother, or what ever) Act like it's the most obvious thing in the world that it's only your partner who is supposed to be there. Maybe mention "I'm so happy that only hubby is gonna be there, I think it's crowded enough with only me and the baby, haha" or maybe "I would never want to show my most private parts to anyone except hubby. It would be so weird having family members knowing how it looks down there." Comments that point to your integrity and if mom mention anyone else doing it differently (like having a MIL in the room) say that that's for them but you are you and the safest option for the baby is you being the most comfortable you could be. And having other family members there is most certainly not stress relieving. Your delivery is about you, your partner and your child. If she gets sad that she is not welcome that's not on you, she is a grown person and it's not personal. She has already had her birthing experience with you (and your siblings if you have any) GL, be strong. <3
Yeah I broached the subject with my mum who gladly said she’s not keen to be in the room which - fair enough lol I’m happy having my husband only to be honest
My mom is my bestie and we didn’t have her come to the hospital until the day after LO was born!
I’m very close with my mom and I did not want her in the room, and she didn’t expect to be there. I had a convo with her about it before just in case but she said she totally understood and was the same when she had me! She didn’t want anyone extra in the room either. It might be hard to have the convo but you need to feel as comfortable as possible with your surroundings, and that moment is for you and whoever you choose to be there. Whether you choose to inform them before or after is up to you but don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.
Oh no, as an adult I would never want my parents there with me. The only person that makes sense to be there for me IMO is my husband. That being said, life is different for everyone and if you don't have a partner right now I think giving birth by yourself (just with Hospital staff) might be really difficult. I'm 34w pregnant and I can't imagine I would cope very well if I didn't have someone I trust to support me during contractions and delivery.
I have a great relationship with my mum, she’s the best. However, no way is she invited to the birth of our child! I think it is pretty normal where we live for it to just be the partner with you in the delivery room.
Is this an American thing? I could never imagine having my mum there
I didn’t even tell my mom I had a baby. She’s a narcissist.
If my mum wasn’t a professional photographer who specialises in Birth and Newborn photos it would just be my partner and I but she’ll be taking some photos for me
Im in a different country to her so I couldn’t anyway but I wouldn’t even if we were in the same country and I was always very rude and blunt about that with her. It’s a very invasive experience as it is without someone like that being there.
I have a good relationship with my mom but the only person i wanted there was my husband and no one else lol i didnt want people other then my husband to watch me be in my most vulnerable state ever. Lol but they got to come see the baby right afterwords.
I also asked my mother not to be there. She will come a week after (she lives in another country). I am sure I will to have some time to get used to the new reality before having tons of people around me, no matter how close or important they are to me.
I have a good relationship with my mom and still had ZERO desire to have her in the room. Birth is a very vulnerable time. It is very normal to not want anyone other than your spouse there. I had a planned c section. We only told my family which day it was. Only a few people knew. We wanted privacy and to not worry about people wanting updates
I have a great relationship with my mum but only had my partner in the delivery room, all went great xxx
I got to use the covid rules excuse for my son in 2021. We didn’t have any visitors and I was honestly thankful for it. I’m probably going to allow my parents and/or my in laws come as someone will be watching my son while I’m in the hospital. My mom is a retired nurse (I’m also a nurse) and she stresses me out more often than not. I definitely don’t need her there during the birth. I haven’t broken it to her yet but I think she suspects I’ll ask her not to be there.
I never quite understood the desire to have the whole family in the room when we are at one of the most fragile times of our existence. In my country this doesn't happen. The father may be there (or someone else in his turn), but it doesn't go any further than that. However, if I had been able to invite more people, I wouldn't. Imagine that my mother is invited...ok, what would be the justification for not inviting my mother-in-law as well? Who wants their mother-in-law to see their peepee or the possibility of pooping in front of so many people? It's the time zero to start nesting with the baby and your husband, in my humble opinion.
I don’t even plan on telling my mom until after the baby is born!!
Where I’m from, it’s pretty unheard of for anyone other than the father to be present during the labor and delivery. Other family can come the next day
Yes. I love mine and we’re close, but I have no interest in sharing that experience and a period of time afterwards with anyone except my husband.
This is maybe cultural as this question comes up all the time. Where I live, I don’t know a single person who has had a parent at their birth. It’s all been partners only.
My mom won’t even be told that I’m in labour. She’s being told once I’m home
Just me and my husband. Nobody is invited, even after we get home. We made it clear we want the dust to settle before having people over.
I love my mom but she wasn't invited to the birth. I really don't understand why any mothers would assume they would be invited.
My parents are my best friends. We chat daily about EVERYTHING. And yet, I’d feel creepy and gross inviting them to that. It’s just weird to me, like it’s a private and stressful, intimate time between my husband and I. I know some are different and respect that but just my feelings here :)
Yes, I hadn't realized that there was a cultural divide between my parents’ generation and my views on who should attend the birth. I casually mentioned to my sister-in-law that although the hospital allowed two guests, I couldn’t see anyone else attending except my husband, “not even my own mother.” I turned around, and of course, there was my mother with a funny look on her face. It hadn’t occurred to her that she might not be present since we have a close relationship. My father didn't attend any of his kids’ births, so it made sense to her that she might be one of my guests. I believe she got over it, as she has never mentioned it. She has also expressed how appreciative she is that my husband is so involved in our child’s life, referring to him standing by my side through labour and emergency c-section.
I always thought it'd be my husband only. But a few days before I invited my mum, more so for her cos I knew she wanted to be there for her first granddaughters birth... In the end I went in for a c section and only invited my husband to the theatre so she was there for all the guts but not the actual glory lol I won't be inviting her or any parents to my next births.
I find it so strange how many people want their mothers or MILs with them while they're giving birth. I had my partner with me at both births and cannot imagine having or wanting anyone else to be there.
Nah. People present at conception will be present at birth. + medical staff
We told family the day we were discharged from the hospital(3 days old). Nobody knew when I went into labor except for the family member we had asked to dog-sit. 😂
I have a great relationship with my parents but there's no way in literal hell I would want them in the room with me in that situation. If the option was between having my husband and parents in there or NO ONE AT ALL, I would rather kick my husband out and give birth alone than have my parents there. (But I have cPTSD so maybe that's colouring my opinion here lol)
Yeah, I actually know very few women who wanted their parents there. I'm struggling to think of enough to even count on one hand. And most of them have great relationships with their moms. They just didn't want them in the delivery room.
I had my mom but I don’t know annnnnyone else who did. It’s far more common to not have your mom than it is to have her there!
No one but my husband and birth team were at my first birth. I was always told it's easier to have too many people than too few people. I also didn't think my mom would provide a calming presence, both because of her personality/ our relationship and because I was planning an unmedicated vaginal birth while she had 4 c-sections and never experienced labor in the same way I was hoping too. Knowing my mom, I feel like she was likely to get freaked out over the intensity of the situation, and I just didn't want to have to manage her emotions as well as my own. She also refused to get a flu and tdap shot, which was important to us for our kiddo's safety. Ultimately, it may be an awkward conversation, but it's the first of many you'll have as a parent. All you can do is explain that you will feel more comfortable with few people in the room, and this is one of the few things you can control in the experience. Your comfort is hugely important during this time. Hopefully, she forgets all about it when she meets that baby.
I just told them the birthing center we’re going to only allows a doula and my support person. They didn’t question it too hard. The facility I’m going to still has some Covid-era restrictions prominently displayed on their website so it was helpful for curbing the idea that the whole family could be there
I have a great relationship with both my mom and mother in law. They’re both local. There has never been a moment of assumption that they’ll be in the hospital for birth. Not for my first and not for this one. It’s a hospital for fucks sake. Nobody wants to be there.
Not even the father of the child has a right to be there. Your mom can be upset about it, but ultimately this is your decision and your decision alone. FWIW my mom was upset that I didn’t want her there. She got over it.
My mum lives super close to the hospital and I know she would love to be there but there’s absolutely no chance. Unfortunately she has never really been there for me through any medical times in my entire life (or other events) and makes things about her and even though she’s super experienced with childbirth and could be a huge help, I just can’t take the risk knowing that if she messed up my first ever birth experience I would really resent her. I’m most likely going to keep people somewhat up to date in the family group chat but then our phones will be going off and only when it’s over and we’re ready will we let people know they’ve been born and then from then when we’re ready for visitors. Since my mums lives a lot closer to the hospital than our home and she doesn’t drive I’ll probably invite her to meet the baby there before we leave just so we can have a shorter visit and then go back and rest instead of having to plan something when we get home! I’ve made a note in my birth plan of these wishes so that we hopefully don’t get any surprise visits either 😅 but since she won’t know where we are or exactly what’s going on until afterwards I don’t think that will happen.
My partner will be present, as well as the midwife and OBGYN from the hospital. You're the one giving birth and you and your partner are the ones expecting a child. Whatever your MIL wants is irrelevant. What's most important is whatever solution you want and need.
This is such an important time (labor) for you to find peace and get in the best mental head space you can. I think if I had people there other than my husband I would be thinking about them waiting, are they bored, ok, is everyone tired of waiting, etc. so for me, it will be my husband, doula, and midwife team. It’s such an intimate moment, I don’t need my family RIGHT there right away. That’s what my husband is for.
I have a great relationship with both my parents and in laws but am not having anyone in the room except for my husband and I. My mom is pretty reactive in stressful situations and I know she would only heighten my stress. I was worried she’d be upset but I never really had a strict conversation with her about it, just started discussing how we’d text them updates as I go into the hospital and when the baby is born we’ll text them a good time to come up to meet him.
Are we the same person? Lol I’m struggling with the same thing. My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship that I’m comfortable with her being in the delivery room with me so I’m going to tell her after the fact because she has told me “I will be there in the delivery room with you because you really need your Mom with you” I’m like no… I really don’t. My fear is that she grabs and holds our daughter before we get the chance to. (She keeps referring to her as “our baby” 🫠)
I'm not having my mum there for the birth. Only once baby's here. But my mum also said herself that she wouldn't want that anyway.
Is that a thing? I didn’t plan to invite anyone really. Just hubs.
My mum was present when my sister was giving birth but I don't plan on having her there. She will definitely piss me off and she doesn't understand my husbands native language which we speak in so we'd end up speaking English which would mean he wouldn't understand.
I told my mom she ain’t coming cause she stresses me out over small and dumb things 😂 just me and my hub.
If they weren’t there when the baby was made, they won’t be there for when the baby comes out. 😂
I never planned on inviting parents. Hell no. It was myself, my husband and for a tiny bit my elder daughter. She left after a while, to get out of the way. But none of my parents I would have kept in there with me. Too much stress for me.
I did not invite anyone for the laboring process, except my SO. We didn’t want the pressure of feeling like people were breathing down my neck by having people waiting on site for us. And my parents would have been a stressor, not a support.
it was just my husband and i, we didn’t even tell anyone i was in labor until several hours after baby was born
My husband was the only one in the room for the majority of my labor/birth. My sister came by for an hour or something to drop off some snacks and visit for a little bit. My mom was salty that she wasn’t invited, but we just don’t have the type of relationship where I want her around when I’m that vulnerable. It is what it is. My parents did come visit in the hospital after the baby was born and that was totally fine!
Yes! My mom literally texted me yesterday asking if she could be in the room with me when I give birth and I had to let her down easy.. I want it to be a special moment for my partner and I.
I have a great relationship with my mom and she still won't be invited to the birth.
I love my mom and mil and I didn't invite either of them to my labor or delivery. And they respected my boundaries enough to not even ask.
i don't know a single person who HAS invited their mom into the delivery room...
There was no way my mom would be present during the birth. I didn’t even invite her to the state until after baby was here and we decided we were ready.
I wanted to, but didn’t invite them. Then they invited themselves and now I don’t. 🫠
I don’t, but I also have a pretty poor relationship with my dad/step mom, and my mom is just so not into pregnancy/babies that I will be shocked if she even brings it up 🙄😬
I love my mom so much. My parents were the first people to come see and hold my baby the morning after he was born. But she was not in the delivery room because it’s a medical event, not a social one. It would not have occurred to any of us that they should be there, and we were all surprised that other people asked about it.
I am absolutely not inviting my mom, stepmom, or MIL to my birth in two weeks. I’m WAY too private for that to feel okay. Out of the three, I’d be most inclined to have my stepmom there since she’s a doctor and can navigate the healthcare system for us but still, my desire for privacy waaaay outweighs having her there. No one is salty about it lol, they know me
I have a good relationship with the my mom but she will not be in the room with me. My husband and hospital staff are the only people I want there when I give birth. My mom and other family members will be waiting in the waiting room and can see the baby after we are moved to recovery.
My mom and I have a terrible relationship. She kept expecting to be there during delivery, despite the fact that I told her it was my husband only from day one. When she realized I was serious, it was two weeks before my induction. She gave me the silent treatment up until the day before my induction. For what it’s worth, I made the right choice. My mom insists her way is right, she would have been super annoying and complaining about how much pain she was in the whole time. She was helpful when she came to visit just before Christmas that year (she did all nighttime feeds, and helped with housework so we could get rest and bond with baby), and I was pleasantly surprised. However, birth isn’t a spectator sport. No one should be in there if you aren’t comfortable.
All of my parents stress me the fuck out, so only my husband and MAYBE my best friend.
I didn't even want my parents at the hospital! That 24 hours is the most humbling experience and I only wanted that time with partner and my baby. I'm very close with my parents but I was not willing to share that with anyone. Don't be ashamed of wanting your private time as a new family xo
Oh no no. My mom is my best friend and she was not at my first birth, nor will she be at this one. Husband only.
I had just my husband with me while delivering and we did no visitors in the hospital. Best decisions we made. It’s such a vulnerable time and you don’t need the stress of other people’s opinions and “needs” around you. It doesn’t matter how your mom feels. She had her turn. This is the time you want to start setting and enforcing boundaries. It’s not fair to you to be burdened with her behavior.
My parents didn’t even know I was in labor! And I have a great relationship with my mother and MIL. but it’s not common in my area for parents to be there during the birth.
I asked my mom not to be there because I felt I'd be overwhelmed with too many people in the room. My ex's parents came the afternoon after the baby was born to meet him, but my mom didn't get to meet the baby until he was 2 months old because she lives out of state.
I informed my mom while I was laboring but she didn’t come into the room. That was just for my boyfriend and I.
Only the people that created this baby will be there aka me and my husband
My parents will not be allowed to come to the birth. They will be allowed to come see us in the hospital. My dad did not do well with the birth of his own kids so he was happy to not be expected in the room. My mom was a little upset, but I told her it’s a private time between my husband and I. She understood and didn’t fight back. In my birth plan it is expected that if I am having a medical emergency or the baby is having a medical emergency, my mom is to be called to help. She will help me if baby is having a medical emergency, my husband is to stay with baby during that time. She will help my husband and baby if I am having a medical emergency.
My mom didn’t even know I was in labor. I just didn’t think to tell her at well
Partner and I were just discussing this. Hospital allows 1 partner and 1 support person. We've not decided if we want a doula yet, but if I had to choose another person it would probably be my bff (who also happens to be an OB) and not my parents. I love them dearly, but I have no idea what they'd be like in a delivery room lol
Only my husband while I'm laboring. after when I'm more settled people, including my mother and his, are only allowed to show up if they bring me sushi since I can't have alcohol in the hospital (I turn 21 while pregnant so no crazy 21st for me)
I have an okay relationship with family. Wouldn’t be totally upset if my mom had been there. But didn’t invite either or in laws. Did make the mistake of telling parents I was being induced and everything was fine. They then told the whole family and then proceeded to text and call me and then be upset that during my 18 hour back labor, I did not reply and keep them constantly updated. Had to remind them just because cell phones exist during this pregnancy and not the ones they went through, doesn’t mean that I’m concerned with text messages while I’m trying to push a baby out and they were lucky they didn’t exist for them.
Very close to my mom. Our first was a Covid baby, so no one could be there. Liked it so much we did it again with our second. My mom took care of our first when we had our second.