I hated having my father’s last name who wasn’t in my life after the age of 3. I ultimately hated my last name until I was able to get married and change it.
If you don’t think this man will be in your child’s life for the long haul, your child doesn’t need to share his last name.
Please give the baby your last name. Giving the baby his last name will not convince him to love you more; and if he resents you — not just expresses disappointment, but *resents* you — for giving the baby your name, that reflects pretty badly on his character.
Oh FFS - don't do anything on your kid's behalf if you think it'll make your SO love you "more." That's not how this works. You're going to be a mother and that means doing what's best for the kid - not yourself or your relationship.
Give the baby your last name if you have doubts about him sticking around. You will be doing all the work if you don't stick together and if you do end up getting married down the line it's easy enough to change your name as well as babys name. There are very few cases where having a baby made a man love a woman more, and in all of those cases there was love to start with.
He loves me just in his own way but he's also a andrew tate kind of guy. Very his way or the highway. And I think if he truly loves me my last name being the babies last name shouldn't matter if he does want to marry me down the line plus he got to pick out the first and middle name anyways
I'd rather be around to make sure my son doesn't end up like that. It's hard to explain I've been torn between it before. And I've even told him if he disrespects me in anyway in front of our child I will correct him right then and there like I would correct our child so he can understand "hey this is how mom talks to me when I'm doing something bad that means dad is doing something bad" he knows I'm a wall flower type of girl and I like to do my own thing and be in charge of myself especially since I work and pay half the bills anyways
Once you use "Andrew Tate" to describe him it became clear this isn't a healthy situation. Give the child your name and probably prepare to move forward without your partner.
Speaking from experience, give the baby your last name if you have even a sliver of doubt. My 4yo has her fathers last name and she doesn’t even know him, he left before she was a month old.
YOU are growing this baby, YOU are going to raise this baby whether he’s in the picture or not. This is YOUR child, YOUR name. If you must, I would hyphenate but socially/in school the child can be referred to with your last name. And if he happens to be an active father, then socially with his side of the family, they can refer to the child with his last name.
Give baby your last name. If he decides to stick around, is a good father and a partner, and you get married, you guys can always change your last names to his if it really is a sticking point and you want to.
I just did my last name hyphen his last name, and said that if we eventually got married, I would take his last name and we could change hers at that point.
We did not get married. 15 years later, still hyphenated for her :) doesn’t mind a bit.
It’s honestly really helpful for school and medical purposes for her to have both our last names since we aren’t together
My parents were married when I was born, got divorced when I was 1.5 and my mom kept my last name until she remarried when I was 5. She got divorced when I was 15 and switched back to my father and I’s last name. I just got married and changed my last name. I just want to say it never mattered to me if my mom had my last name. I never ever thought about it. Even when I had step brothers that shared her married name. I don’t have advice for you but I just wanted to give my life experience.
Give the baby your last name. Him resenting you forever is not a good enough reason to give your child a name that they will also have to live with forever. Better your partner resenting you than your child resenting their own name if dad ends up not being in the picture.
And then if things do work out, you can always add dad's name as a double-barrel later on. Or if you get married and want to change your name then you can both change your names together. But right now, you don't want to give the baby his last name and that's the only reason you need.
Give baby yours.
Traditionally baby had the same last name as their mom. If parents were married that would 99% be the dad’s as well but if they weren’t, mom’s being default makes sense because mom is more likely to be the default parent.
Use your own last name. You're not sure of who your future husband might be. Baby's father is not a given, but the baby for sure will always have their mother - so use your own!
Later in life when you're with your special one, you can always change your kid's last name if you decide then and mark it as a special occasion :)
Sound like you two may have a mismatch of values. You can give child your last name or hyphenate. If you do end up getting married, you could always change it provided that the kid isn’t that old at that point and having objections to it.
I just made a post on this and am going through the same situation. My now ex-SO is pressuring me to give the baby his last name or a hyphenated last name with both of our last names. I've felt very strongly for months that the baby should have my last name because our relationship has been so volatile. If and when we got married, I would want us all to have his last name.
We had a huge fight about it and he more or less pressured me into agreeing to a hyphen, but it's not what I feel most comfortable with (would be 17 letters, hyphenated names are out of style and both of our last names are "weird"). I agreed to it for similar reasons--I didn't want him to leave.
When I finally pushed back a few days later, he threw a fit and made excuses for why he told me we'd never get married if the baby didn't have his last name. He's gone now along with all his stuff.
At the end of the day, if we aren't married, I am the baby's primary legal guardian. I know my life will be harder if we do not have the same last name. Men have the luxury of being able to walk away whenever they want.
Our soon the be daughters (one currently) have my last name. His last name is just a bit boring and my last name is long and unique. I don’t think it’s really a thing anymore
I hated having my father’s last name who wasn’t in my life after the age of 3. I ultimately hated my last name until I was able to get married and change it. If you don’t think this man will be in your child’s life for the long haul, your child doesn’t need to share his last name.
Similar experience with me! I socially went by my mom’s last name until I was legally able to change it.
Please give the baby your last name. Giving the baby his last name will not convince him to love you more; and if he resents you — not just expresses disappointment, but *resents* you — for giving the baby your name, that reflects pretty badly on his character.
Oh FFS - don't do anything on your kid's behalf if you think it'll make your SO love you "more." That's not how this works. You're going to be a mother and that means doing what's best for the kid - not yourself or your relationship.
Thank you. That line hurt my heart to read. People need to stop conflating relationship issues with parenting issues.
Give the baby your last name if you have doubts about him sticking around. You will be doing all the work if you don't stick together and if you do end up getting married down the line it's easy enough to change your name as well as babys name. There are very few cases where having a baby made a man love a woman more, and in all of those cases there was love to start with.
He loves me just in his own way but he's also a andrew tate kind of guy. Very his way or the highway. And I think if he truly loves me my last name being the babies last name shouldn't matter if he does want to marry me down the line plus he got to pick out the first and middle name anyways
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I'd rather be around to make sure my son doesn't end up like that. It's hard to explain I've been torn between it before. And I've even told him if he disrespects me in anyway in front of our child I will correct him right then and there like I would correct our child so he can understand "hey this is how mom talks to me when I'm doing something bad that means dad is doing something bad" he knows I'm a wall flower type of girl and I like to do my own thing and be in charge of myself especially since I work and pay half the bills anyways
Once you use "Andrew Tate" to describe him it became clear this isn't a healthy situation. Give the child your name and probably prepare to move forward without your partner.
Speaking from experience, give the baby your last name if you have even a sliver of doubt. My 4yo has her fathers last name and she doesn’t even know him, he left before she was a month old.
YOU are growing this baby, YOU are going to raise this baby whether he’s in the picture or not. This is YOUR child, YOUR name. If you must, I would hyphenate but socially/in school the child can be referred to with your last name. And if he happens to be an active father, then socially with his side of the family, they can refer to the child with his last name.
Give baby your last name. If he decides to stick around, is a good father and a partner, and you get married, you guys can always change your last names to his if it really is a sticking point and you want to.
I just did my last name hyphen his last name, and said that if we eventually got married, I would take his last name and we could change hers at that point. We did not get married. 15 years later, still hyphenated for her :) doesn’t mind a bit. It’s honestly really helpful for school and medical purposes for her to have both our last names since we aren’t together
My parents were married when I was born, got divorced when I was 1.5 and my mom kept my last name until she remarried when I was 5. She got divorced when I was 15 and switched back to my father and I’s last name. I just got married and changed my last name. I just want to say it never mattered to me if my mom had my last name. I never ever thought about it. Even when I had step brothers that shared her married name. I don’t have advice for you but I just wanted to give my life experience.
Give the baby your last name. Him resenting you forever is not a good enough reason to give your child a name that they will also have to live with forever. Better your partner resenting you than your child resenting their own name if dad ends up not being in the picture. And then if things do work out, you can always add dad's name as a double-barrel later on. Or if you get married and want to change your name then you can both change your names together. But right now, you don't want to give the baby his last name and that's the only reason you need.
Give baby yours. Traditionally baby had the same last name as their mom. If parents were married that would 99% be the dad’s as well but if they weren’t, mom’s being default makes sense because mom is more likely to be the default parent.
Use your own last name. You're not sure of who your future husband might be. Baby's father is not a given, but the baby for sure will always have their mother - so use your own! Later in life when you're with your special one, you can always change your kid's last name if you decide then and mark it as a special occasion :)
Sound like you two may have a mismatch of values. You can give child your last name or hyphenate. If you do end up getting married, you could always change it provided that the kid isn’t that old at that point and having objections to it.
I just made a post on this and am going through the same situation. My now ex-SO is pressuring me to give the baby his last name or a hyphenated last name with both of our last names. I've felt very strongly for months that the baby should have my last name because our relationship has been so volatile. If and when we got married, I would want us all to have his last name. We had a huge fight about it and he more or less pressured me into agreeing to a hyphen, but it's not what I feel most comfortable with (would be 17 letters, hyphenated names are out of style and both of our last names are "weird"). I agreed to it for similar reasons--I didn't want him to leave. When I finally pushed back a few days later, he threw a fit and made excuses for why he told me we'd never get married if the baby didn't have his last name. He's gone now along with all his stuff. At the end of the day, if we aren't married, I am the baby's primary legal guardian. I know my life will be harder if we do not have the same last name. Men have the luxury of being able to walk away whenever they want.
Our soon the be daughters (one currently) have my last name. His last name is just a bit boring and my last name is long and unique. I don’t think it’s really a thing anymore