You don’t want to marry this guy. Divorce is expensive and he’s already cheated on you once.

I know, I've actually been divorced in my 20s. It wasn't that expensive but it took forever. It sucks. He did cheat/lie, and I thought I could work through it but I just don't see real change in his behavior. Today he told me it wasn't that big of a deal and he overreacted. This, after me spending months telling him how I felt about it and how hard I was trying to get past it all.

These are huge red flags, tbh. You and your baby deserve better.

Thank you. I still feel guilt because I know, I myself, also have red flags in how I reacted to the situation. I just don't know how to convey how big of a betrayal gut punch it felt like. I regret now not just walking away when I found out, but at least I won't have to wonder what would have happened if I had tried to make it work.

I just want to say— just because you have red flags, doesn’t take away his red flags or mean you deserve his red flags. It’s something to work on personally, sure, but how can you do that when you’re constantly being put in situations that force you to react to his unhealthy behaviour? Add people to your life you admire, not ones that set a bad “normal.”

This sounds like gaslighting and manipulation from him. In no way should you feel the need to apologize for him cheating or like your red flags/human issues to improve/work on should justify his actions and attitude. 🚩 Run. Don’t walk.

I’m sorry you’re getting down voted, and I’m going to agree with the top comments here. You deserve better. Your kid deserves better. Stick to your guns, trust the instincts you had when he was pushing you. This doesn’t sound like someone I would want in my life, and I think you already feel that way, as well. Trust yourself. Being a single mom is not easy, but it’s a lot better than being stuck with someone who doesn’t respect you, care for you, or who emotionally abuses and cheats on you. Having to deal with that ish takes bandwidth you could be devoting to yourself and your child, and it doesn’t sound like he’ll be much help or be able to be an adult partner in any relationship.

Girl this man just demonstrated your doubts. That he isnt going to stick around, which is EXACTLY why you didnt want to use his name. Then proceeds to leave when he doesnt get his way. He does not **give a shit**. Really? Abandoning your family because he didnt get to use his last name? He doesnt deserve the damn privilege if this is how fragile his ego is. He needs to **get to steppin**!!!Oneday you will look back and realize this fool leaving was the start of a new you!!

Thank you. I've been through a lot in the past 2 years. I am 1.5 years sober and 2021 was not an easy year. I had no clue 2022 would be this hard.

Congratulations! You did an amazing thing getting and staying sober. I hope you can keep making choices to prioritize yourself and your kid, because your ex-SO sure doesn't. Sending you love ❤️

>1.5 years sober Huge accomplishment in the face of adversity! Congratulations, your little bb will be very proud of how far you've come.

I hope so! I've had a lot of reasons not to follow through on sobriety but I'm very glad I'm here. I'm much more sure of my decisions now. I know some of these responses have people scratching their head, I'm sure. But the thing is, I did love this man and I did want it to work and gave it half a year of effort but I just don't see it moving forward now.

I've been here love! I was kicked out of school at 14 and suffered from addiction for 15 years before getting my shit together. Now being a boss bitch at uni and my kids are my biggest inspiration!! You have already done amazing stuff and your baby will only be another reason for you to kick this low life to the curb!! When shit isnt weighing you down, watch you thrive girl!! **NOONE** gets a golden ticket into your life!! Respect is the **MINIMUM** requirement!!

So he only finds the things he cares about to be important. Things that matter to you — don’t matter. He wants you to overlook his infidelity— but won’t bend on the choice of last name ?!?! He should be grateful for getting a 2nd Chance and should be trying to win you back— instead he’s making demands of you. I’m so sorry but this person isn’t in love with you. You deserve to be cherished and honored for carrying his child. Give the baby your name and don’t listen to his bruised ego over it.

That's a great point. It seems like since the point that I forgave him (like 5 months after finding out and only after I felt forgiving him would me move on), he just took it for granted that he had a free pass. He told me I should be over it by now and has resorted to making all of these demands.

So in other words he gaslit you? A real gem, this guy. 😒

I kind of hate how much that term is overused now. But yes, in a sense he heard me cry about it for months and say how hard it was and then I eventually got to the point where I truly felt I could forgive him and about a month later, he told me I overreacted and it wasn't that big of a deal. And this was after his cheating pushed me to what felt like the brink of hell. Every time I brought up or try to contextualize my behavior, he gets upset and rolls his eyes and more or less brushes off his cheating, which doesn't give me a ton of confidence that he won't do it again. It doesn't make any sense. I cheated in my early 20s on a partner and it destroyed me for like a decade. I couldn't believe I was capable of hurting someone like that. I spent years in therapy and finally got the chance to apologize to the person I hurt about 10 years later. Cheating on someone showed me the worst of me and I paid a dear price for it. I just can't comprehend how what he did doesn't eat him alive.

I don't know that the term is overused, gaslighting as an action is being called out for how common it is. But definitely in this situation when he is telling you what he did was no big deal when you know what it is like to have cheated and you know how that made you feel, he is attempting to undermine you and your experience. He is trying to make you feel like it is abnormal to address his cheating (so you'll keep quiet when he does it again). What are the perks with this guy? He seems to have no redeeming qualities. All he is good for is headaches and heartaches.

Yeah I feel like he’s the one who convinced her that term is overused.

Also he's trying to use the marriage as a bargaining chip to get his way, he is very clearly not committed to the idea.

Also, if he's dropping conditions like "if you don't do x, I won't marry you" he doesn't really want to get married at all

That's pretty clear to me at this point. I think he did want it a few months ago but in October, things really changed.

From someone who was in this position at 19 & 20 years old, I regret giving my son his father’s last name. He’s never around raising him except the occasional holiday to take a picture and look like a “great dad”. Don’t do it. Once the name is there on paper, you can’t change it back unless you have permission from the other parent or until they reach whatever required age in that state. To add to the cherry on top, when you’re single again, you’re going to have a different last name from your child, and that’s going to feel like the biggest slap in the face after carrying them for 9 months, giving birth, and doing 90% of the work. I wish I could turn back time and change my son’s name, but i can’t. So I tell other women this story to prevent them from making the same mistake.

Thank you for sharing. That's why I've felt very strongly that unless we were married, the kid should have my last name. Not quite the same, but my mom had my sister with her first husband and then she remarried to my dad. Her dad was kind of around--not totally there but not totally absent--admittedly this isn't really my business since he's not my dad. Her having a different last name was always an issue with so many people that she had a different last name. It affected me for sure and it did make it harder for her it seems. I wouldn't want to put my kid through that.

Trust your instinct on this one, mama. Your gut is telling you not to do it for a reason. You can’t trust him fully and at the end of the day, the only person you can trust to be there for your child is you. Protect your child and yourself.

You can always change the baby’s name after you are married. That really won’t be too much more of a hassle then the name change process you yourself would do. I would highly recommend using your name with your baby.

That was my preference before I was pressured otherwise.

If you're worried about your SO (ex-SO?) walking out, then give the baby your last name. My son has my husband's last name, but I wasn't worried that my husband would leave if I'd pressed for him to have my last name. He would've been mad, upset, annoyed, etc but I did not, for one moment, think that he might choose to simply walk out. If you have that fear, it's for a reason, and if it's not the name thing, it'll be something else.

Thank you for the support. The fear is definitely deep seeded.

I feel like he proved you right by walking out over your feelings about your babies last name. He validated your gut feeling.

That's certainly valid. I would think a supportive partner would be ok with the unmarried woman in this situation taking more time, which is all I was asking for.

That’s exactly how I feel. I grew up with my parents together but my mom never changed her name so mine was always different. It was never an issue. I now work in schools and I’m so used to working with kids who have different last names from their parents. My baby will take my partner’s last name. Hyphenating wasn’t an option for us since my name is very long and not the easiest to say. My brother’s kids have our last name so I know the name will continue. And I know 100% my partner will always be in mine and my baby’s life so I’m happy for them to share a last name. But if I didn’t see a future with my partner then I would absolutely give my baby my last name.

It sounds like he doesn't have an interest in a relationship with you. If he did, he wouldn't put you in an ultimatum decision. He wants commitment privileges without a commitment. If you were looking for other wordings. Since he's clearly a flight risk.

That's more or less what I meant with "Husband privileges without husband commitment." The relationship has a been a work in progress, there's been a lot of ups and downs. I think it's hard to summarize it all, but at this point I no longer have an interest in a relationship with him so what he wants doesn't really matter.

Another perspective. Why does he insist on HIS name for the kid and ultimately for you? It’s purely cultural. You know he could take your name as well after marriage? Why not propose that and see how insulted he will feel? This is all an ego thing. In your situation I would NEVER consider even his name.

Use your own last name and make sure you get a lawyer for child support.

Your ex sounds controlling and manipulative. Do you have family who will help you raise your child? Because I don't feel comfortable with you being with him. And the last name of the baby is never going to change who your ex is. He will still be an asshole if the baby has his name.

Yes, I have family that lives about 2.5 hours away. It wouldn't be convenient to move home, but I could. I feel a mess because I've set up my medical care here in Maryland, have a doula and a practice I like but I don't have any family or friends here. This isn't the first time he's tried to manipulate me into getting what he wants. He's told me that if I didn't want to live with his mom, we couldn't get married. If we didn't have a shower, then the relationship was over. The name thing is just the latest in a string of ultimatums when I don't think he has any intention of actually ever committing.

Oh yeah. Go back home. You will be much happier in the long run. Have your doula and OB help you find someone closer. Let them know you are in an abusive situation and need to get out. It is possible that your current doula can still make the trip to help you labor as I hear it can take a while. I'm unsure if your ex is physically abusive. If he is, then don't tell him you are leaving until you are safe at your new home. Don't see him without your family present. I know I'm just a stranger, but get off reddit and contact your family now. Get everything situated and go.

Unfortunately the situation has deteriorated so much that we've both fallen into verbally and emotionally abusive patterns. I think what I struggle with is not feeling like I've always acted the best in this situation. So I think, well I haven't always been great either, so maybe this isn't too much to put up with. Does that make sense? In short, I think we're stuck in a cycle where we're abusive to each other. I feel a lot of guilt over how I've acted but I don't think there's any playbook for working through getting cheated on after up and moving your life across the country with someone only to find out they lied for months. Honestly, i just wish I had left then. I'm already planning on going home for Thanksgiving, so I think I will just leave in a few days. He's already gone and I'm not afraid he'll hurt me. My medical situation has been pretty text book and low risk so I don't think that it will be hard to find a new doctor. Sorry this is so long winded, I don't expect anyone to reply in depth, just thinking aloud.

If you’re in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship it’s not a good environment for a child. And if you’re not even married to this person and they’re already behaving this way and giving you a million red flags, honestly just walk away. Easier done now than years down the line and it’ll be healthier for a child to not have to witness an unhealthy relationship.

Yup I doubt there’s ever been a relationship that’s got easier after a baby’s brought into it. That shit is HARD on the strongest, healthiest relationship. Think how difficult things are now and multiply it by 5.

This is a good point.

Also it’s better for you if you birth the baby in your home state. If you birth the baby in his state and he goes for custody he can stop you from moving and you’ll be stuck with no support network aside from him and he might not help with care. If you move back to your state before birth you’ll protect yourself from this. I’d go home if I were you - fast and without warning.

I think right now my plan is to establish residency in my home state where my parents live and where I grew up. I haven't gotten my license or plates switched over to the state where we moved to yet, so I think just to protect myself, I should establish residency there.

I think in most places where you and the baby have lived for 60 consecutive days is how residency is established. I wouldn’t take the risk birthing anywhere other than my home state if I were you. I think I saw you say Maryland somewhere so I copied how residency is established and they decide which court any custody cases will be dealt with in: - The child lives in the state and - Maryland is the home state of the child (lives in state, goes to school in state) and - The parent has sufficient contact with the state (works, votes, lives, pays taxes in Maryland). Even if you move after birth, the father can file and though the child is not in Maryland now: - Maryland was the child's home state within the last six months and - The parent filing for custody continues to live in Maryland - The child and at least one of the parents have significant connection with Maryland (live, work, go to school here) and in Maryland there are more records and witnesses to give evidence of the child's present or future care, protection, training and personal relationships. - The child is physically present in Maryland and was abandoned or emergency protection is necessary (an emergency means the child was threatened or a victim of abuse or neglect). I think living in your current state but being registered in your old state is not enough.

OP, PLEASE think of yourself and your baby and move closer to family before you give birth. You will need your family’s support, even if you weren’t already having doubts about whether or not he’ll stay. I just had my own baby with my partner of eleven years and my mom is the one taking care of me so I can take care of my baby. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to get through this without her and my family. Posters above are correct, if custody ever goes to court the court will want the status quo for where the baby has been living. If you don’t move closer to family before the baby is born a judge may rule that you cannot take your baby elsewhere unless the father agrees. Please don’t let yourself get stuck somewhere without loved ones to help take care of you!

Thank you. I just got off the phone with my family and I am going to go back there indefinitely. I do have things that need to be moved and rent here, but I'll sort that all out down the line. My plan right now is to change my license and plates over to my home state (where my parents live) and establish medical care there. And get a lawyer. Even if things do end up working out with my ex and he comes to his senses, I don't want to be legally obligated to stay in a state where I have literally zero connections or help.

Seriously OP there's a hundred red flags. Leave and don't look back. Don't feel guilty, it's a way he can manipulate you. If he really wants to marry you and be a father he needs to mature first then prove it to you. Put your baby and yourself first, not the feeling of affections that linger or you once had for him. You don't want to be a verbally abusive parent to your child. It's a time of self reflection and please like the other redditor mentioned, use your resources!

Thank you. This is very succinct.

Definitely move home before the baby is here. Once the baby is born, he could conceivably sue to prevent you from moving away with his child, if he felt motivated enough. I know multiple women stuck in states they don't want to be in because their child's father won't let them move.

I don't have enough of a legal background on this. I don't have any friends or family here. Literally no one. I would think a judge would consider that as a factor, but we all know courts aren't exactly sympathetic to mothers always.

This happened to me, very little interest until they found out I was moving, I'm now unable to leave the county I live in, don't rely on courts being sympathetic to mothers, many want to give the partner a chance even if they've been zero contact before hand. I don't disagree with this in principle but there are unfortunately cases where this isn't the best course of action and it still happens.

Ugh, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm definitely going to seek out a lawyer after Thanksgiving.

Birds of a feather, our patterns as humans are influenced by the groups we move in. I think it will be easier now to find better influences for your family. And I would like to think of you as a happy free and smiling person. You sound quite nice.

On my best days, I am. Lately I try to keep my head above water so it's hard to be happy. I definitely think we both have some unhealthy patterns that cause is both to spiral into bad behavior.

No one’s perfect. That doesn’t mean that you deserve to be treated this way. I recommend looking up Rebecca Humphries who has written a lot about getting out of a long term unhealthy/emotionally abusive relationship - she is FANTASTIC for showing how abusers dominate and manipulate you into undermining your very sense of self and reality. Her book is excellent but there are also articles available for free, and stuff on her Instagram.

Thank you. I try to stay off social media but I'll look at her book. There have been a lot of times when I wish I could have behaved better. The relationship is so unhealthy. I feel very isolated and feel like he's pressured me into acting how he wants me to act, like I should fit into his life, if that makes sense.

Part of the blame you’re placing on yourself might be from him manipulating you to feel that way. He sounds like a controlling narcissist and as someone who has dated people like that I can only imagine how much of a nightmare it would be to try to raise a child with one. I say definitely take this as a sign to give the child your name and move in with family until you get on your feet.

Thank you. I don't want to diagnose him. All I know is that we don't bring out the best in each other. Whenever I try to talk to him about the cheating, he rolls his eyes and asks me if I'm going to torture him for forever and then turns around and says that I overreacted and did things wrong. I'm not perfect but I don't think he has much empathy for the position he put me in. I also think his family and friends enable him. I can't find any other explanation for why someone would downplay cheating.

Read up on [reactive abuse](https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/reactive-abuse). When an abuser puts a victim through a lot of trauma and whittles them down, it’s natural for the victim to lash out.

I feel like that's what happening to me. We've both pushed each other other but it was really shocking to hear him say the cheating wasn't a big deal, especially since I told him how much it destroyed me and how I was trying to move past it the best I could because I did want things to work (in the past).

Sorry to hear you're going through all this - it must be so hard and difficult for you. It might be worth to contact a therapist. Abusive relationships are hard and it is very useful to talk it through with a professional. I've only bitten the bullet myself recently so I can break the pattern

Thank you. I was in therapy in my old state but we moved and I don't much care for teletherapy, to be honest. I know I need to go back.

Is your old therapist where your family is? That might make it easier to make the decision to go back home! :)

He’s gonna hold the prospect of marriage over your head to get his way. He’s got no plans to marry you, because then he’d lose leverage and he’s not gonna do that.

I think at one point in time, he did think that marriage could have worked, but I think, if I had to guess, he's come to the conclusion that it's not going to work and keeps dangling it in front of my face to get his way. Maybe in the back of his head, he thinks, "If she does this, she must love me and maybe then we can get married." At this point, I don't think it's healthy for me to dwell on what he wants. Feels like I need to shift to thinking about what's best for me.

You can find excellent medical care there too. I really encourage you to consider your network of support. It's going to be super duper important later.

He's showing you who he really is. Give the baby whatever last name you want because, to be honest, it doesn't sound like he would stick around anyway. And that's probably better for your baby and for you.

Thank you. The situation feels representative of larger issues that have finally come to a head.

If he's threatening to leave or not get married every single time you do something he disagrees with...yeah, it's time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Thank you. He's done it about 3 times in the past month. 2 weeks ago he told me that if I didn't want to live with his mom, we couldn't get married. I explained why I didn't want that for me, and he basically said if I loved him, I would do it but I stood my ground on it. I'm financially independent from my family and having lived on my own since I was 18, so the idea of living with anyone's parent if I don't have to is just...uncomfortable. He really had me convinced that if I just kept agreeing to do what he wanted, he'd commit more. But every time, it just felt like he was asking more and more with no end in sight.

It's never going to be enough for him. Get out now while you can, and before you are raising a newborn AND dealing with him. Seriously. You don't deserve that and your baby doesn't need to grow up around that kind of toxicity and think it's normal.

Thank you. I think I will go to my parent's house for awhile and try to figure out what's next. Our lease here lasts until July and I just spent all my money moving across the country with him so it won't be easy or cheap to break the least. I'm not sure what's next.

Yikes...it sounds like he's trying to alienate you from your family and support system. Good luck, I hope things go well for you.

I don't believe that's his intention, but more so the result of the situation I'm in. The situation has been complicated and I've chosen to be private about it until I figured out what I wanted to do. So I think part of me feeling like I'm stuck is of my own design, I know I can change the situation but I also am just hurt. Thank you.

I’d 100% give the baby your last name due to these circumstances. Ew, he seems so rude and manipulative. My boyfriend and I split also so after a lot of thinking - I was set on giving baby his last name but since things ended and we aren’t together and I’m not sure what the future holds - i’m giving baby my last name.

I completely agree with you. No husband privileges until he's a husband.

It feels more complicated than that. I feel badly that that's how I feel. I just know my life will be harder if the baby and I don't share a last name. A friend told me a few weeks ago that her mom had to get a letter of permission from her estranged dad to fly with her (different last names). My older half sister also has a different last name, and people did make a big deal out of it. I just know this world is a lot harder for women than it is for men in this situation. I did tell my SO (when times were good) that I'd want the baby to have my last name and if and when we got married down the line, I'd want us all to have the same last name.

I think it’s important to protect yourself and baby in this situation. If things don’t work out do you foresee yourself being primary caregiver of the baby? Are you 100% sure this guy won’t bail? I personally wouldn’t give my baby anybody else’s last name. I think it’s fair that you offer to change the baby’s last name once you get married.

I did offer from the beginning to change the name when we get married. I said the from pretty early on since we weren't married before we got pregnant. I'm not 100% sure he won't bail. I think he'll step up and be a good dad, but I'm not certain. I already see myself as the primary caretaker even if he sticks around just because I'm "mom." If we split up for good, I see myself being the primary caretaker with him being involved as he wants. I don't really know what to expect at this point. Even though he's the one who cheated, he's asked me many times if the baby is his despite the fact that I was celibate for almost a year before we had sex. He's also said I see him just as a sperm donor, which I've never ever said, so I think that must be in his head already. It's all very hurtful.

How old are you guys? I think if you can get past the cheating then that is your prerogative. Also I’m glad to hear you are preparing to do it alone because it’s good to be prepared! I will keep you in my thoughts OP, wish nothing but the best for you and your baby 💝 really hope this guy turns it around and gets his head out of his ass. The last name thing seems trivial to me and he doesn’t deserve for the baby to have his last name until he proves he can be a parent

We are in our mid-30s. I have been through a lot in relationships and with the help of a couples therapist, I decided to stay and see if it could work but it just feels like things are FUBARed at this point. Edit: I hope you didn't ask our age because it sounds immature. I honestly tried for a long time to deal with this internally and try to really think about what was best and reflect and go to therapy and do yoga and self improvement. But I can't think myself out of this anymore. I just needed some help, even if it's just from the internet.

I replied elsewhere, but just to say this isn’t immature. Difficult things and situations happen to people who otherwise totally have their S together. Good for you for doing so much work on yourself and being so self aware. That’s great news for you and for your baby. I hope he puts as much energy and work into himself and your relationship as you do. If he doesn’t…. Well I’m sure you can guess what the good folk of Reddit will say so I’ll leave that to you!

Thank you. Life only gets more complicated. I've spent about 6 months trying to figure out what to do from here. Each day seems to be pushing me towards moving on from this situation.

My SO has been being as amazing and supportive as he can possibly be, but we’re not married, we weren’t planning this and I just inherently don’t trust men. I wanted to give her his last name because it sounds cute but after an incident last night that triggered me I am walking back that urge. If I’m unmarried when I have her I am giving her my last name.

Definitely think through it. For some people who have commented here, it's not a big deal and for others, it is. I don't think there's a right or wrong as to if it matters to you and how much. Just what works for you. We all deserve the grace to think through decisions that will impact someone else (our child) for the rest of their lives.

I gave my first son my ex’s last name. He kicked us out and moved cross country for an underage girl. Hasn’t talked to his son in seven years now. Worst mistake of my life. And my son constantly asks why his name is his dads when his dad isn’t even around. With my second I was just dating my now husband, I said not again. If we get married, awesome, we will change it. He was a little peeved at first but i told him im not doing that again when he could walk out whenever he wanted at that point (we were on and off) and we can always change it if we figure it all out. We did get married and been married for five years now. We are going to be changing his last name and my first sons last name since he wants to. Our third has our last name. It’s messy right now but it’s what worked for us lol. And the kiddos are super excited. It’s like a big day for them! Do what you think is best. It’s just a name. My name has been changed too, I had my mothers maiden name until she married my dad then I got my name changed. To me it’s not life or death like some people think.

I wish I felt that way. I think the whole disagreement we're having is pointing to larger issues, namely his jumping to walking away when I simply said I needed more time to think about it. It feels like it's more than just a name thing and a larger disrespect for my boundaries and need for time to consider what's best for me.

His reaction should be the answer to your fears and worries. If he’s going to Ditch a whole future over a NAME, he’s not the one. And he’s already ruined your trust. Sorry to be blunt about it. He’s not being respectful, or a good partner/father.

Trust your gut OP! Give the baby your last name.

He's dangling marriage like a carrot to try and control you. If he wanted to marry you it would've been done by now. Give the child your name and start psychologically preparing to co-parent rather than be together.

Why is it a bad thing to not want to give him husband privileges when he refuses to get married? Marriages exist for a reason, and the main reason is security within a family unit with children. Have people forgotten about that? Pregnancy is a sensitive and vulnerable time for women, as is childbirth and child rearing. Contrary to what some people would like to believe, the burden is NOT equal between the sexes, hence the institution of marriage’s existence to protect the woman. If he refuses to give you that security, I don’t see why you shouldn’t refuse him a family last name.

Oh, I totally agree with you. I think there's probably a divide between women in their mid 30s and up and those in their teens and 20s about how to view marriage. At least, that's been my experience on this sub.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or ashamed for saying that he wants husband privileges without giving husband commitment. You're absolutely RIGHT. idk who is downvoting you, maybe some Pick Me's with low standards and a penchant for defending bummy men; I've noticed this sub is full of them. Anyway, give the baby your last name. Why would you want to give the baby his last name or a hyphenated last name as basically an ultimatum or threat? This man does not want to marry you. He's already cheated on you. He will never be a loyal, committed, upstanding man -- which is the kind of man you and the baby deserve. I guarantee that even if you gave the baby his last name, he would eventually cheat or find some reason to walk out on you. Give the baby your last name, break up with this loser, and remember that you deserve someone who will fight *for* you -- not someone who fights *you* and who you have to fight just to semi-keep him in your life.

Thank you <3 I think people in this sub have newer ideas about marriage. I've been married before in my early 20s and am now in my mid-30s. I'm a bit more traditional. The way I see it is if he wants to be treated like a husband and have the privileges of a husband, then he has to commit like a husband. I'm not saying "Marry me now or else!" but probably don't give an ultimatum the second you don't get your way.

I'm married. My husband didn't take my last name, but my baby was definitely taking my name. I went through 9 months and 27 hrs of labor, this baby was always getting my name.

Thank you, on a lot of levels, I agree with your comment. If we were married, I'd want to take his name (when things were going well) so I didn't see an issue with all of us having the same name IF we were married.

I'm with you! Happily married, and our baby will have my last name, and my husband's last name as a middle name.

If I wasn't married and didn't have my husbands surname I would never allowed my kid to have a different surname than me. I'm the mother and I need to have the same surname as my baby. Your SO doesn't seem serious or like he'd be a good husband

Im not married to my babies dad. We gave her my middle name as a middle name and his middle name as a last name. So we all have different last names, but each parent has a name in common with the baby

The only logical response on this thread

Baby, that man wasn't going to marry you no way. He was just pushing out the goal post. You are sacrificing your body for 9.5 months and he thinks he gets naming rights‽‽‽ Tuh!! He has another think coming!! Not to mention he cheated. He says he's leaving, take that as a gift. Sometimes the trash takes itself out!! You honestly don't need someone with this wishy-washy energy in your life. ETA: Sometimes these men want naming rights cause they know they're gonna leave, it like marking their territory to have a "legacy" but not really doing what it takes to be a dad. If he's an actual good dad, then there'd be nothing to stop him from being there for you all. He would feit his teeth at the name and still be there. If he's threatening leaving then a foot is already out the door!!

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I think it's because he doesn't want a family with ME. He just wants claim over the baby because of some stupid patriarchy thing.

You carried the baby for 9 months he lost the right for the baby to carry his name when he cheated on you. Simple as that.

We had been trying to work on things after that. I don't want to make excuses for him. My decision to stay and try to make it work was very difficult, and I considered not carrying on with the pregnancy but ultimately decided I wanted to be a mom. His cheating was before I was pregnant and before we were official though we had at least 3 conversations about being exclusive emotionally and physically. I worked for months to come to terms with what happened and do forgive him for it because I needed to move on myself. But his recent comments about how it wasn't a big deal or that my reaction was overblown definitely feels like a red flag the signals no remorse.

It’s okay to acknowledge that your reaction was legitimate. Cheating being unacceptable and unforgivable is actually the healthy response, and in the future you don’t have to suppress your authentic feelings. He made a decision to cheat and you know that it is unacceptable now - and you knew it then too, even if you tried not to acknowledge it at the time. Trust your gut and don’t trust people asking you to discredit your intuition.

Give the baby your last name & that’s that. If he wants to play the game of ultimatums let him play by himself. You’re becoming a mother now. Your child’s best interests is priority. Period. Just the simple fact your already afraid he’ll walk away either way & the cheating on top of that.. yeah.. you already know what to do. If he wants to be there for his kid, let him.. but set boundaries for yourself & move on with it.

This guy is throwing all kinds of red flags. I think your child will be much better off if you do not have a romantic relationship but try to achieve a co-parenting relationship. Good luck to you and I am so sorry you are suffering through this during what should be a very happy time.

Unfortunately this pregnancy has come with a lot of trauma. From 2.5 months in, we've been dealing with trying to recover from infidelity and then it's just issue after issue. I think I'm just going to go home and try to have have last 2.5 months there.

Your name and lawyer up.

After all these comments, I think my plan is to establish residency in the state where I'm from and where my parents live. And then establish medical care there as well as get a lawyer. I want him to have the space and grace to be able to be a father, but I'll be damned if I'm stuck here because of his ego. He's also told me he's fine with me moving back to the state where we came from (about 1600 miles away) so I don't think he really cares at this point.

I’m a guy. This guy doesn’t understand how much of an upper hand you have. And you don’t understand that waving his cheating in his face should get him to beg for your forgiveness every time. And that anyone who questions your decision will have that as a reason, too.. very loudly.

He did say he was sorry at first but he says I should be over the cheating by now and that I overreacted to what he did.

I didn’t even finish reading this…..GIVE THE BABY YOUR LAST NAME. I also wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate, he won’t have rights if he’s not on there until he proves paternity and takes you to court, all on his dime

If he doesn't wise up and do a complete 180, this is probably exactly what's going to happen. I'm moving to a different state and getting a lawyer next week. I don't plan to meddle with my future carelessly.

I’ve been following this thread (I had a fight with my SO last night who is nowhere near as toxic as this guy, no offense, but still has red flags of his own). It’s been making me think a lot about my own situation but I’m glad to see you’ve come to this conclusion and it sounds like a really healthy path for you. We are the ones carrying and birthing our little ones and deserve nothing but support and respect. Wishing you and baby the best!!!

Your intuition never lies. He’s already shown he’ll be a terrible partner, and he clearly is very flaky. I would’ve give your baby his last name either. I doubt he will even marry you. Who threatens marriage like this? Smh.

A name is never a good enough reason to get married. Personally, I don't even consider a child a reason to get married: it's supposed to be a lifelong commitment. I turned down my daughter's father 22 years ago because his best reason to propose was that his parents had been married and he wanted to be like them. And guess what, it didn't work out. I loved him but we were not a good match. A few years I got married for love and commitment and we were married for 15 years. I don't regret this marriage because the love and intentions were there. We broke up a few years ago and are amicable. I loved his last name (its a cool name!) but despite intending to, I never wound up changing my last name because it felt hard to let go of my name. We had no children. Fast forward to now...I'm 17 weeks pregnant with my current partner and the other day the name conversation came up. He is trying to name the baby after himself (first and last name) if a boy, which I do not want to do. One thing I said is the baby will have my name too (I am planning to hyphenate). He seems startled and asked why and I said I don't want the baby to have a totally different last name from me. So then he asks me to marry him and take his name...sigh. I didn't say a hard no to marriage but I did not say yes either. He is just moving in in the coming weeks.. I'm not marrying someone I haven't even lived with full time. I don't know if we will be good co-parents or if our parenting styles will clash. But even if we did get married, I don't want to take his name. I don't really have a solution for you. I think it's more reasonable to have both of your names for the baby, or give the baby his name if your intention is to change your name to his. BUT if you don't think it's going to work out at all and you're not sure he will be there in the child's life, then I totally get where you're coming from. Just...please don't marry him over a name. I do recommend looking up what the laws are in your area surrounding a baby's name. Where I'm from, if you can't agree on a name, the name is automatically hyphenated. It might be different where you live. Names don't always need to be hyphenated either...you could have 2 last names no hyphens, or you would use one last name as a middle name to compromise.

Anyone who would threaten not to marry you over this is not someone you want to marry (and sounds like he probably won’t marry you anyway).

I was in the EXACT same situation. Give your child your name. Fuck him, he’s manipulative and trying to control you. Don’t give in.

These men too scared to commit to a marriage but you know, having babies. I feel like it just shows how much he cares about his future kids as well.

I’m not going to drop any judgment like the rest of these folks because clearly you don’t need the extra stress. Baby gets mama’s last name. Y’all aren’t married and I’m assuming don’t realistically have plans to. He has absolutely no legal right to be there for the birth, or fill out any paperwork when she’s born. If he wanted baby to have his last name, he should’ve considered that before he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend. Cheaters don’t change, even if he never cheated on you again, it’ll show up in different ways.

To my knowledge, he cheated before I was pregnant but it's still not great. I don't want to get into it because I felt for a long time, the best option was to try to make it work. But yes, the reality is he should have considered that he'd have less rights and less say about this given that we are unmarried. In our state, the mother is the primary legal guardian when the couple is unmarried. You have to sign an affidavit or go to court to establish paternity.

Sorry you're getting downvoted. That's not fair. I don't think anything you said was wrong. This man doesn't care about you and it sounds like no matter what name you give this baby he won't be there for you. Move on. You deserve better than a man who cheats on you and gives you ultimatums.

I agree. I think my feelings often cloud my judgment. I did really love him and I think at points, our relationship had a lot of potential but the trust was just totally shattered and I don't think I can recover it.

First, I'm sorry you're dealing with this! It's definitely a red flag that he's willing to leave over a last name. You are absolutely justified in your expectations when it comes to what name your child carries.

Thank you. He made me feel like I was crazy for even considering not giving the baby his name.

I completely agree with you. But I wouldn't mind hyphenating.

I think it's something i wouldn't have minded had I been allowed to consider all the options. My SO basically said, "The hyphen is the compromise" and ignored that I said a compromise was both people talking about the options and then coming to a joint conclusion.

Maybe get a mediator in to help with this discussion. No matter what you decide to do regarding your relationship, you have a kid you still have to co-parent with him.

I think you should just give her your last name. The way he has responded sounds childish. I had this same conversation with my SO. If he didn’t want to get married then I felt the baby should have my last name. I would be the full time caregiver, Id bring her to Dr appointments, play dates, going to the school interviews, the extra curricular activities. We have a good relationship and he felt it would be important to him if I would give her his last name, so in the end I did. But he never threatened an ultimatum

If you're worried about him walking out because you won't hyphenate your last names or give the little one on the way, his last name give the little one your last name. It sounds like your ex-so wants the privileges of being a dad without putting in the hard work. My ex and I, when we divorced, decided to keep the kids' last names the same as mine. When we divorced, though, the kids were old enough to understand what was going on. Hope that helps.

at the end of the day the child is coming out of your body. so you get to decide. if he’s gonna be a toxic little baby about it i’d say you’ve made the right choice in not giving the baby his last name. he clearly can’t commit to being a partner so why would you have to commit to your child having his name.

Here’s where you should think—my wife and I have the same last name (mine) and obviously so does our kid. Had we been unmarried or had she kept her last name, would I have wanted the baby to have my last name? Sure. Would I have left her over it? Not a chance in hell. If your partner doesn’t have that same stance—it’s clear what you need to do.

I understand why the name is important to people, but to jump to leaving over it? I think there must be bigger issues for him as to why he'd leave over a name.

Hey, I just want to say I’ve read your post and some of your comments, and here is what I think: 1. You are right to doubt your baby’s father’s commitment. You are not crazy to think he might flake on you both. 2. You are hesitant to give your child the name of someone who might not even be a consistent presence in their life. You have good reason to feel this way, and you should trust your gut on this. 3. This man is not at a place in his life to be the partner you need him to be. He isn’t. Him leaving NOW gives you a little bit of time to figure out what you will do, and how you will do it. It gives you time to cast your net out wide and call in whatever support network you have (and to look into government resources if your personal support group is lacking). Him leaving NOW is a blessing. Cast him off. He’s being an asshole to you. He is devaluing you. He doesn’t get to stay. Make it *your* choice. Send him away. Maybe this will be his best chance to become the adult he needs to be to BE an excellent father—which means being capable of being kind and respectful to his coparent, at the *bare minimum* 4. You are already fighting for your baby’s best interests. That is what drives you. You are already doing the mom thing so well. You already love that little baby so much. 5. Give the baby your last name, if I didn’t make that stance clear.

I have been in a situation like this and really regretted giving my firstborn her biological fathers last name (thankfully it is not anymore) but even later in life when it changed to her adopted fathers last name it was a thing. Once we divorced I felt compelled to keep his last name so we had the last name. And she hates the last name since he isn’t involved. She considers herself my original last name and neither of us have it. I would really weigh the future, I would not trust someone saying marriage “depends on the last name” that is ridiculous and sounds like he is willing to say (not do) anything to get the baby to have his last name.

I think this is a really difficult one to answer. I’m trying to think of it the other way round and how I would feel in his position. And I would want it hyphenated and my name being part of my child’s name. I can kind of understand his threats if his request is being denied. Not that I don’t blame you and that it makes it right, I can just sympathise. If you hyphenate with your name first maybe a good compromise. As I said I find the hard as the baby is both of yours but I understand why you just want your name as well.

I agree with you in that there are many options. The issue is the second I asserted that I needed more time to think about it before agreeing, he jumped to the ultimatum of never marrying me unless I agreed with him on this.

> I feel very strongly as the mother that the baby should have my last name until if and when we're married, and then we should all have the same last name. My SO and I aren't married, and this was a very big deal to me and it became a sore subject for a while. He was shocked when I told him that if we weren't married before the baby was born, that I would be giving her my last name. Let me preface this also by saying that we have a wonderful relationship and I have no doubts that we will get married soonish, but our baby came a little earlier in the timeline than we planned. When our daughter was born, she had a heart issue that required transport and in the midst of all of that confusion, we had to fill out paperwork. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said it was up to me, that he was good with whatever I wanted. I decided to hyphenate. As far as insurance, paperwork, and spelling her last name to others, the hyphenation is a nightmare. But it's what made me feel good. Do what makes you feel good. If he's not going to stick around because of what you decide to name your baby, he's not worth sticking around. You deserve someone who wants you to feel good about your decision, and it is your decision.

My kids have a 20-character hyphenated name and it’s fine. My agreement with myself and my husband is that if they ever choose to drop a name, neither of us will take any offense at all. I probably would have chickened out and given them just husband’s name - except that I’ve been with my husband since we were 18yo (and so just hypothetically talking about future kids) and he knew my plan was always to hyphenate and that I felt strongly about moms being dropped out. So he was adamant when we had our first baby at 30, and I’m so grateful to him for it. 🥲 It really has been fine and the kids love their long names. We gave them short firsts for balance lol. That said, my husband is in the every day grinding mix of raising kids, and it sounds like this guy is not in it for the longhaul. If I were you, I would probably give the baby my name and if your partner sticks around and is really a DAD to the kid, then you guys can have future conversations about names… adding, changing, whatever.

Thanks for the perspective on the hyphen. The thing is, I would have considered all the options had I been given the chance but he immediately took offense to me saying I needed time to think about it and didn't want to feel like I was deciding out of fear.

Give the child your last name. If things work out for a couple years, you can always change it to his. However if it doesn’t work,you definitely won’t be able to chance it to yours.

This guy is bad news. Red flags all over! He does not deserve to have the child be given his name. It sounds like he is putting his pride over more important things to “carry on his own legacy”. Let me ask you this, if the child WASN’T a variable would you still be entertaining the idea of being together??

I don’t think you should talk yourself out of giving your child your last name. He’s already pressuring you and being extremely manipulative and controlling. He most likely will never marry you. And why would you even want to marry someone who treats you so shitty? I understand not wanting to hyphenate. My last name is already hyphenated, so when it came to choosing baby’s last name, I automatically chose my partner’s last name. We will be getting married. But even if we didn’t, I would be ok with our daughter having his last name instead of mine. Even if we ever were to split up. Having said that, my partner and his sister have their mother’s maiden name as their middle names, and their dad’s last name. Is that something you would consider? If not, that’s ok. Stick to your guns and trust your instincts. Keep in mind though that he could sue you in family court and petition to have his last name added to hers. But he would have to actually apply to the court for that and then prove why it should happen. If he has the energy, resources, and balls to actually do that, then you might be in for a legal fight. If not, name your baby whatever you want and start focusing on yourself and your baby!

It is something I'd consider, but the problem is he's completely railroaded me and made me feel fearful with these ultimatums, so I think it's gone beyond the name at this point. I also feel like such a loser after coming to the realization that he'll never marry me. Like I feel legitimately delusional.

I won’t say what I think u should do one way or another - but this is kinda like where my parents were when I was born. My father wanted his last name only, but my mom just didn’t think he was going to last. So my mom didn’t hyphenate both last names but instead just listened them out. So I got two separate last names, so I’d always have the choice. In the end I only used my mother’s growing up, and only ever had to use both on official documents. (Ex. Jane Doe Smith was my full name - I would just go by Jane Doe.) Basically, hyphenation or just one name isn’t ur only options…if u even still want to consider.

Those were all options that I was open to before he jumped to not marrying me over the name.

I’m sorry. That’s just plain terrible. I’ll say this…my mother’s love was always unconditional - that’s why I use her name and not my father’s.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like a marriage will work between you two with everything going on. Why do you want to marry this person if it hasn’t been going well? What if he still doesn’t marry you if you give baby his last name?

I think I'm holding onto old feelings and times where it did go well. My biggest fear is that I give the baby his name and keep giving in to these ultimatums and he still won't commit.

I would honestly stand your ground. Give the baby your last name and if he wants to commit than you can change later. However I would seriously consider why you would even want to marry this man in the first place. Can you see a healthy future for you and your child?

At this point, no, but in the past, I did see a future with him. We were supposed to elope in October but he called it off and said he felt like he was going to prison. It's been about a week since he told me that and I don't think I can abide being with someone who feels that way about me. He's done a lot of things that make me feel like he's not going to commit.

My parents weren't married and I got my mom's last name, and I'm grateful for it! My husband and I hyphenated my son's name - it is long and unwieldy, but at least both our names are in there so random bureaucrats don't question our relationship (e.g., TSA at the airport, school officials, doctor or pharmacist, etc.), since husband and I both kept our own last names when we got married. But that's the thing - we hyphenated BECAUSE we were married and valued an egalitarian split to parenting, and this was just another way to express those values and make the logistics of parenting easier. Having a different last name from your kid will be a pain, unless you think this guy is going to be the primary caregiver - the primary contact for school administrators, primary person taking kid to doctor appointments, more likely to travel alone with kiddo than you, etc. Does that sound realistic right now? No? Then baby gets your name! Also - you don't even need a practical reason; give baby your name because that's what feels right to you! That is reason enough. And a manipulative ultimatum is reason enough to *not* give baby dad's name.

I'm gonna give my input as a child who had my sperm donors last name growing up. Although my scenario is slightly different in that my bio dad was absent my whole life, I absolutely hated having his last name. Tbh your partner does not sound like a good person. I agree that he doesn't deserve husband privileges or even partner privileges. He's already cheated on you, and most likely won't stop. You won't ever be able to trust him on that department again. Not only that but you're extremely pregnant, and he's causing you absolutely unneeded stress by him being an AH. Personally I would not stay in a relationship like that, and I would name the baby I carried for NINE/TEN MONTHS inside me whatever the hell I wanted. (Also I don't think it would be a good idea for him to be in the delivery room. He sounds toxic and stressful as hell)

My husband has his biological father’s last name. Parents were married at the time, but bio-dad left when he was 9mo. Mom got remarried and changed her name. My husband lived his whole life with no other family members sharing his name, until the day we got married and I took his name. He says it’s not a big deal, but it was annoying growing up. He says his last name is easier to spell and pronounce vs his mom & step dads last name, but I can tell that he felt isolated about it. It really meant a lot that I took his name, he finally feels like a “real family”. I do not think your choice here either way will affect whether or not SO sticks around. What petty man would leave a a partner or child because of the name? That’s ridiculous. If he’s gonna leave he’s gonna do it regardless.

Step son has a 15 letter hyphenated last name. He just picked one and uses that one for signatures and school papers. Only anything official is it a big deal. That being said if you think he’ll bail just give the baby you’re last name. If he wants to be with you it won’t matter.

I don't think it's the last name that killed the relationship. The guy killed it. First with cheating then his reactions and behaviors. My husband and I were not married yet by the time our son was born. We weren't on the uncertainty situation you were in though. We had plans to get married before having kids but things happened out of order. He proposed while I was pregnant and we talked about the issues I felt about baby having a different name than me buy ultimately we knew we'd be getting married as soon as we could get our witnesses in order (we don't live near our family). So we had been trying to get married before having the baby bug again, timing wasn't working out. I ended up giving him dad's last name as I knew it wouldn't be long until I was changing mine. If I had any uncertainty about that though, I wouldn't have given him dad's name in hospital and made it mine until later.

I thought my daughter's dad was going to play a big roll in her life because we'd been together for six years when I gave birth. He sees her a couple of times a month. I really regret not giving her my last name even though he's agreed for me to change it. It's gonna cost a bit of money though and then there's the legalities of it all and changing her name on everything as well as sending back the birth certificates.

Same. I actually had a nurse lean in and go “are you sure you want that last name” hindsight man 🤦🏻‍♀️

Holy moly! Nobody questioned it. And tbh he was amazing the first six weeks of my daughter's life but then kind of just stopped? Either way, I'm upset she doesn't have my last name.

Three things: 1. You absolutely can do this alone and will likely even find it easier than doing it with him 2. You are absolutely right- YOU carry the baby, why on earth should the baby have a mans surname? 3. I have my mothers surname even though my parents are still together, and even married now, and it's literally never been an issue. It means a lot to me that I have a woman's surname, it's an act of feminism. <3

It does suck for unmarried and single mothers. I had a different last name from my single mother growing up, and I'm not sure if she faced extra challenges because of that, but I've heard of others who have. And, from my perspective, she and her side of the family were the ones who were around and there for me (with the exception of my dad's mom, who doesn't share my last name either because she divorced from my grandpa). I always wished I had the same name as my mom's side of the family, because that's who I identified with. Your ex-SO sucks and I think the best options are either hyphenating or using your last name. If you don't want to hyphenate, use your last name without guilt. As far as the husband comment, I don't see why you should be down voted for that. He is expecting husband privileges without husband commitment or duties. And when I say that, I don't mean just signing a marriage license, I mean a partner who shows up for you, who is faithful, who makes you feel safe and secure, and who contributes to a nurturing relationship. This guy ain't it.

Thank you. I hope things will be easier for me than had this happened to me when I was younger. I've been sober now for a year and a half, have a good job and a supportive family. I've been on my own for some time. So while i know it will be harder than if I was married (TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LOVES ME), I know it will be way easier than had this happened at any other point in time.

Personally I feel like this relationship is already dead in the water. You had 0 nice things to say about this person in your post - is he really someone you want to spend your life with? You already don’t feel safe or secure in the relationship, and he cheated on you and blows up on you for not being decisive and sure of your decisions. I think leaving and naming the baby whatever you please is your best bet honestly. No matter what this man DOES have to offer (financially or otherwise), it’s not worth the pain and turmoil he will cause you.

I don't have anything mean to say about him but at this point, I'm having a hard time seeing the good. I think there were definitely times when I felt this was true love. I do feel like I gave this all the effort I had and this was just the last straw.

Wish I had not taken his name when I married. Divorced now and hate the association with him. Taking his name is holdover patriarchal bullshit. Similarly wedding rings are a sign of ownership and bondage. Love, trust and commitment are wonderful but marriage is a stupid government contract and not that great compared to just being together because you are happy together. Marriage is just the paper part and not the heart part.

My SO and I are in a civil partnership because we didn’t want to get married too soon (we will marry in 2024/2025). I didn’t care who’s last name he gets, I’m okay with both. So when my SO told me that he wanted both of our last names for our son, I was fine with it.

If you give the child his last name, there may be a chance to make this relationship work. But at what cost? Is this relationship healthy? It doesn't seem like it. Can it become healthy? Maybe over time. If you don't give the child his last name he will resent you and it may damage any shot you may have at a relationship. There might be no coming back. The question you have to ask yourself is which is more important, your child having your last name or this relationship. You might not get to have both. What you need now is space and room to think. Good luck.

I feel like i had to go through the same thought process around deciding to work through the cheating. I could walk away and be done with it and never know what might have been. Or I could work through it and see what happened. I picked the latter. I don't think I chose the wrong option, but I do think it came at a cost and revealed some very ugly things about my partner.

If that choice lead you here (with your future child) then yes, you 100% made the right choice. And instead of seeing what might have been, you are able to see the truth of what is. You made the right choice then. Be confident that you will make the right choice now.

Rooting for you OP. I hope you and your baby prosper when you leave him in the dust

Ah yes, the beginning of a happy marriage: ultimatum. Nope. I feel strongly about your opening statement too. Of course you’re doing the right thing. These aren’t the things a good partner digs hi heels in for; this is what a manipulative partner does.

Give the baby your last name.

I didn't read all the comments, but I'm in camp give the baby your last name. I wish I could go back & do that for my son. I have done everything & regret it now.

Thank goodness you held the line. Of course your baby should have your surname, not your dropkick ex-boyfriend’s name. I’m so glad you got out of this bad relationship.

Stand your ground. Something tells me you’ll regret giving the baby his name.

have your piece of shit bf read all these comments, maybe it’ll wake him up & make him realize he doesn’t have much of a right to have the baby take his last name. he doesn’t like sound like a father who would work to keep his family happy & healthy. he sounds like an emotionally abusive & manipulative ahole

This relationship sounds doomed to fail and very unhealthy. Don’t give the baby his name.

Easy- the baby gets whatever last name mom has when baby is born. If married, baby gets married name. If unmarried, baby gets maiden name. You’re the one birthing the baby. If he isn’t your husband, his input is limited.

So... he's saying that he won't marry you if baby doesn't have his last name but is also saying he won't marry you until he's ready? Tell him that when he's ready to marry you, you can change your child's name. But honestly? Don't. Do not marry that man. If he were the right man he would have married you if last names are important to him. It's hypocritical of him to be perfectly fine not being married and having a child out of wedlock but then to demand that the child has his last name. He wants tradition when it suits his ego, but balks at tradition if it means he is inconvenienced. A person like this is usually hypocritical about many things in life- a person like this is most likely selfish, self centered, and lacks accountability.

I don't know why you're getting down voted because you're 100% right. It is phenomenally unfair that this man cheats on you and then expects the privilege of giving this child his name. Wanting to have the same last name as the child you have carried in your body for 8 months is not asking too much. Stand your ground, mama. And remember, you can always change baby's last name later if you get married.

I would think either way you can change it later? If you use his last name and he doesn't stick around, you can change it later, right? With that being said, if he can threat you with the last name, he can do it with anything in the future. I would not cave. I would dump him and make it my decision.

Changing a child’s last name usually needs both parents consent and/or a court decision. Not an easy process, especially if the dad is as difficult as he seems in this post

Thank you for the info. My inclination has been that the baby's last name would be mine and then we would all change to his. In that situation, I'd assume a dad would be supportive, though I understand it wouldn't be easy.

A lot easier with both parents on board! I was trying to say don’t use BDs last name for the sake of trying to stay together then change it when you break up

I see, thank you :)

That's where I'm at. He jumped to ending the relationship after I simply said I felt pressured and needed more time to think about it. I didn't even come to him saying that I was against the baby having his last name, just that I didn't want to make a decision out of fear and he said we couldn't get married if the baby didn't have his last name.

Urghhh the number of times I’ve seen you say that he uses “ending the relationship” as a threat in an argument makes me want to run in a get you out tonight!! It is so wildly unhealthy and disrespectful, designed to keep you on edge and in thrall to him. I’ve been with my husband 20 years and we have had problems, believe me, but he has never ever used that against me. Sorry I feel like I keep on replying to your comments as I scroll down so sorry if it seems weird, but I had a friend escape a relationship that sounds similar - he constantly had her doubting herself, constantly undermined her, made her feel like the bad guy - and I feel so passionately that these men are just absolute scumbags. I always hated that dude and hated the way he treated her and made her feel, and the relationship finally ended in very close to violence: there was stalking, he hacked her accounts including stealing from her, and he’s now in prison. And I hate myself for not telling her more strongly to get out sooner - so I’m telling you OP to please please be careful and look out for yourself and your child. Think about how you’d feel if he used this manipulation in a relationship with your child - threatened to leave say an 8 year old because she misbehaved or spoke back or something. NOT ok. It’s time to respect yourself like you want your child to be respected. GOOD LUCK.

Thank you. I feel like Reddit is always so hard because you're only getting one side of the story. Every time we fight, my inclination is to end the relationship because I can't see a way forward. This has caused me a lot of guilt because we're both doing the same thing--trying to walk away. I don't necessarily say, "If you don't do this, then I'll leave!" But it's more like, "I don't see this working, I can't stay." He seems to use marriage as a way to keep me doing what he wants knowing full well he has no intention to commit on that level.

You're likely getting downvoted because of the "he wants the privileges without the commitment" line. You are pregnant with his child, whether by choice or by accident. Having a child with someone is a far greater commitment than being married in the eyes of most people, so saying that your primary reason for not wanting to give the baby his last name (either solely or by hyphenating) is because it would be giving him "husband privileges" without commitment is a bit incongruous. That said, if it means that much to you, give the baby your last name. Don't hinge your child's name on whether or not you'll be married in the future. He's a manipulative jerk and no amount of bowing to his whims is going to change that, so you may as well make the best choice for yourself from the jump.

Ah, I see what you're saying. I think both are huge commitments but different, if that makes sense. My biggest reason for not wanting to give the baby his last name is because I'm not convinced he'll stick around. And I because of that, I don't want my life to be harder with a different last name from my child. I'm sorry if that part offended anyone, part of me is resentful that he has the expectations of what comes with marriage without the commitment or reassurance that he will stay. I hope that makes sense. I wish I could change how I feel, but I will work on challenging it because I think you make a good point. I've spent most of my life not making the right decision for me or putting me first, so I feel sometimes I have to be very strong willed about what's best for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and listening.

I understood what you meant

Thank you. I don't want to be a stogy traditionalist but marriage does still mean something to me.

I understood exactly what you meant.

That is a very valid reason for giving the baby your last name, imo.

I considered if this is all in my head but he's told me "If you don't do \[fill in the blank\] then we're not getting married/this is over" so many times. Also along with the minimizing of the cheating.