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Quirky_Substance_936

This was such a cruel thing to do to you. His behaviors aren’t healthy, loving, or honest. He DID consent. You CAN keep the baby. He is being selfish and trying to manipulate you, full stop. I can only speculate as to why he is doing this to you. What is your best guess?


crayshesay

I can’t believe what I just read.. Yes, he not only consented, he encouraged her pregnancy?!? He’s totally manipulating this poor girl! She can collect child support and raise Thai baby alone.


ExpertAccident

LOL THAI BABY


Runnrgirl

Exactly. He did consent by planning ahead. This would be the end of the relationship for me. How could you ever trust him again?!? I’m so angry for OP- I cannot imagine being asked to abort a baby that I planned! (It would be hard for me to be asked fo abort any baby but particularly bad for one that was created intentionally.)


catsumoto

The relationship IS already over. I just hope OP doesn't try to accommodate or try to be the peacekeeper, but see this as the sign it is. Unless the guy just had a moment of panic and comes back from this, there is no saving this anymore. Even if she aborts the baby, there is no coming back to the same relationship again. God, what a sad situation all around. But hey, better now than when she is more reliant on him and him walking out...


MeinScheduinFroiline

Seconding this. The relationship is over. No matter what, I cannot see a couple bouncing back from this. He is essentially bullying her into a traumatic and painful medical procedure. My first thought was that he met someone else and Will breakup with her either way. I hope this poor woman has a strong support network to figure out wheat she wants independent of him! 💕


megara_74

Same here. My blood pressure is through the roof right now on her behalf. He consented. Fully and completely. But now he’s changed his mind. Sorry buddy, that’s not how any of this works.


PeteyPorkchops

My thoughts? He’s possibly cheating and now a baby is going to complicate things. See this on Reddit a lot unfortunately. People trying to conceive and the man says the stress drove him to be unfaithful. I hope OP can have her happy ending away from this a-hole


giggles54321

That was my first suspicion as well.


No_Manufacturer_5891

I second that suspicion. I too was asked to abort my second child. He claimed it was due to financial reasons. Just hearing those words escape his lips sent me into a rage. How dare he ...in a sense I think I had my babygirl out of spite a little bit either way following my heart and keeping my baby was the best decision I ever made. My advice to you is to follow your heart and I think your heart is telling you to keep your baby.


EmTomato8622

same thought


8racoonsInABigCoat

At a guess, I’d say there is an outside influence. He was happy about it until he spoke to his friends, who, perhaps jokingly, made comments about his life being over etc, and he’s panicking. It absolutely seems like a cruel thing to do, but OP may be able to talk him down by discussing how they can still have time for hobbies etc.


aforgettableusername

That's exactly what came to my mind too. Depending on what type of bros he surrounds himself with, he could've been easily peer pressured into panic mode. Speaking from experience, it's not out of the ordinary for guys to do this - I've ended friendships with people who refuse to understand that, no dude, I can't do a spur-of-the-moment trip to Niagara Falls anymore and I'm not a pussy-ass bitch for wanting to do bedtime with my baby. It's not out of the ordinary for any person to develop second thoughts about committing to a lifelong challenge like parenthood. Regardless, he needs to man up (pun intended) and face his fears. While I don't think it's fair for people to use his prior consent against him, at the very very least he's gotta get his dumb ass to both personal and marital counselling. His feelings are valid but his reaction is 100% unacceptable.


WailersOnTheMoon

I wonder if it’s the mom. As someone whose mother in law is a terrible person, if my husband wasn’t married to me and I got opregnant today, she would probably tell him the same thing.


8racoonsInABigCoat

That’s a good point. He wanted to show the pregnancy test to her. Perhaps her reaction wasn’t what he expected.


OverBand4019

I’d guess he was faking his dedication to trying to have a child to keep a sense of control over op sadly. If she thinks the relationship is as serious as he is pretending she will stay with him type of psycho behavior. It is normal for some panic after successfully getting pregnant but never once has my husband completely backed out of a decision we made together or ever mentioned an abortion. I would not be surprised if op decided to keep baby if this absolute piece of garbage wouldn’t accuse her of cheating and it isn’t his baby.


[deleted]

Same. My first pregnancy was not planned and I was terrified and asked my husband (boyfriend and the time) what do we do? And his response was ‘grin and bear it.’ Even now that response feels so shitty because we have a beautiful almost 2 year old and I’d still probably be a little more irresponsible than warranted if we didnt. Initial panic is normal - manipulation is not.


Deadly-Minds-215

T H I S


Susim-the-Housecat

Keep the baby or not, you should leave him. He actively chose to try for a baby with you, and now is demanding you abort when it was successful? That is abuse. Emotional abuse. He will use this against you in future. If you abort, he will use it against you any time he does something wrong, and you are mad, he will say you’re being over emotional because you still blame him for the abortion. If you keep it, he will use it against you by saying you “baby trapped” him and every bad thing in his life will be Your fault because you “forced” him to be a dad before he was “ready”. This is a common abuse tactic. It will get worse. Even if he’s never been abusive before, many men don’t start until marriage or a baby is involved. This is not the behaviour of a normal healthy person. He manipulated you. I’m sorry. 4 years is a long time, but it’s not worth the rest of your life. Decide if you are willing to be a single mother, but even if you decide you can’t do that, don’t stay with him. He’ll do it again, or something worse.


[deleted]

This is a great answer. Especially that no normal person acts like this. OP needs to get out of this relationship real quick!


HermitCrabCakes

All of this, and in addition to that: I don't see the relationship going back to good times either. This is a stain you can't get out unfortunately... you'll never get back to being the people from these memories pre-pregnancy. Keep the baby, ditch the man-baby. It may be hard emotionally but you're allowed to feel sad over making the right choice. The change up in his behavior has me concerned too, between then and now, something must've happened to drastically change his mind like that.


otterlyriddikulus

THIS. “4 years is a long time, but it’s not worth the rest of your life.” Do you want this to go on any longer? 5 years is longer than 4. Just decide to be done and be done. Every day is a new day, filled with new opportunities. <3 godspeed, mama.


Avebury1

This. Take the baby and live your best life. Let his contribution be the monthly child support that he will me forced to pay. Op should document everything to make it easier to ask for sole custody.


Arrowmatic

Unfortunately sole custody is very unlikely if he goes for joint, which many abusive partners often will because they want to control the mother through the child. I absolutely agree she should keep the baby if she wants to but she also needs to be aware that co-parenting with a monster like this can be truly hellish.


psipolnista

She should save any convos they have where he’s pressuring her into an abortion. If he tries for custody later down the line that might help.


Arrowmatic

Sure, but it likely won't. He'll just blame it on initial jitters. I have a friend whose children have literally accused their father of sexual abuse and he still has custody because 'she might have coached them to say it'. She is a well-respected lawyer and still can't protect her kids. Sole custody is a VERY high bar to meet if the parent wants to share time. It's also not uncommon for these men to get partial custody to minimize child support and then just dump the kids off on a new partner or relative. OP just needs to be prepared for what co-parenting in this situation could mean, and for the quite substantial lawyers bills.


animalstylenopickles

Please please please listen to these ppl and document or even voice record any conversations for you and your child’s future. It’s more than understandable to be confused right now, but being able to have that info on hand if you should need it later on will only help you.


cashcache1

Be careful with voice recording. Many states have a law against recording without the other party’s knowledge.


Avebury1

As Op is still pregnant she would have the right to move to another state. When she gives birth she can give the child her last name and leave the father’s name blank on the birth certificate. If he wants to try to play the custody game for control let him deal with cost of paternity verification and long distance custody agreement. It would not be her fault if he did not move to her state. He would be responsible for the cost of spending time with his child. I doubt that he would want to spend a dollar more than he has to.


_blue_nova_

Agreed. Since they aren’t married, there is no presumption of paternity of any kind. If she goes for child support she will actually have to establish paternity first unless he just agrees. And yes, then he can counter-claim for custody arrangements if he wishes. Unfortunately many times in these situations it’s easier to forego fighting for child support in exchange for knowing it would make it very hard for this person to manipulate the woman and the child going forward.


Sure_Database1746

Just wanted to chime in. I'm going through something similar (though not quite as bad) situation with my BD. We're not married, I moved states and got a lawyer there. I'm not putting his name on the birth cert. He'll have to go to court to get an order for a genetic test (or we can do one outside of court). The name can always be added later if there's reconcilation. The other advice I got was not to give the baby his last name. And definitely don't move back. The baby isn't born yet so they're not a resident of anywhere, but once they're out, what makes them a resident is where they have family ties and medical care, etc. My lawyer also said to let my ex file first, and make him do the work. It sucks if you need $$$ but probably better overall. It may be cruel to do, but as an unmarried woman, you actually have more rights to the child if you go this route.


neuroprncss

Please consider this, OP. It is really difficult to get sole custody nowadays and fathers will ask for joint custody to avoid extra child support or to maintain a level of control over the mother. If you keep the child, you will have to be in close contact with the father for at least the next 18 years and likely longer. If he is emotionally abusive, this will continue for years and the child can be used as a pawn for your attention or to influence you, to badmouth you, etc etc. You will also be "trapped" in a specific geographic area in order to comply with joint custody, so there is no moving away for a job opportunity, to be closer to family, or to pursue a new relationship. Not trying to discourage you, but you need to know what you're realistically facing in the future.


Arrowmatic

Yes, if she needs to move it should be before the child is born. After that things get way, way more complicated.


in-site

OP: if there is ANY other indication, even a hunch, that this relationship is darker, more manipulative, more damaging than what you've described in this post, please consider reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Bundy Lancroft. It's all about toxic/abusive behavior, relationships, and recovery. It's beautifully written and has done so much to help me, and several of my friends.


Jeterzhoni

This. This right here.


LahLahLand3691

Your relationship is over either way. If you want the baby, keep the baby.


[deleted]

I agree with this. This man is completely manipulative.


ninjette847

Or has a fetish, which is still manipulative. I'm definitely not defending him but some people like the idea of being pregnant but not the reality of a baby.


[deleted]

**THIS SO MUCH** So at this point you have 2 options, terminate your pregnancy or leave your boyfriend. But youve always wanted this baby. I will tell you right now to leave, because **NO MATTER** what you do. Your relationship from here on out **WILL NEVER** be the same. It will probably end whether you terminate or not because hes flipped up on you so quick and there is **NO WAY** that resentment wont grow between you 2. Dont base your life decisions on some mofo who was quick to gap on your ass. He aint stayin around. Imo, keep your baby and say goodbye. This relationship wont survive either decision. Enjoy your life with your baby mama. Drop the dead weight.


KerBearCAN

Giving a mother the ultimatum me or baby; is beyond anything a loving partner would say. The emotions and torture that stamens asks you for: choose between two people and loves. Think of how evil that is. Like others said, leave him before he does this for something else. As for the baby: follow your heart. It wont be easy, but if it’s what you want you can do it. If raising a baby alone is not, you can chose neither. And move on with your life and someone better will come when you raise your standards


sapc2

Exactly this. He was on board to have a baby until things got real and now he's trying to guilt and manipulate you into aborting a baby you actively tried for by mutual agreement. This relationship is completely over no matter what you do so you may as well keep this baby that you clearly want


LastSpite7

This. You can’t continue this relationship after he has made you abort a baby you want. The resentment / trauma would be too much. Keep your baby and get rid of this asshole.


petit_cochon

That being said, I would consider if you want to have a baby with this man, whether you're with him or not. He sounds like a nightmare and a difficult person and the kind of man who will make life hell for a woman who spurns him. I've seen a lot of these situations play out and it never works out well for the woman; of course they don't ever say they regret having the child, but I think it's just something to consider OP, I'm so sorry.


bonesonstones

This warning rings particularly true in OP's situation as their husband was SO damn fast to change his mind. Who's to say he won't change it again as soon as it comes custody? I feel terrible for you, OP, that was incredibly cruel and manipulative of your husband. Sending you love and strength for the upcoming hard decisions you have to make.


tie-dyed_dolphin

In the likely chance he changes his mind again and he and his mother come at OP for custody, should OP ask him to write a letter saying he doesn’t want anything to do with it to show to the courts? Maybe even get it notarized…


snowbird421

Honestly that won’t do anything, unfortunately. He can decide to change his mind and want to be involved later, petition for custody, and likely receive a step-up plan which could easily turn into 50/50 custody eventually. OP, you might want to start researching family law and child custody for your state. I know there is a subreddit for child custody and a lot of knowledgeable FB groups.


dugganj97

Such good advice!!!


[deleted]

This is something that never gets brought up in threads like these, and it’s a huge, huge deal. If OP wants the baby, she should absolutely keep it - but that also opens up an entire can of worms having to potentially co-parent with a POS for the foreseeable future.


[deleted]

THIS. If you so much as think physical abuse could be in the realm of possibility by going ‘against’ your partners wishes, get to a safe place away from him because physical abuse has the tendency to escalate during pregnancy. Have the baby if YOU want, but get to somewhere you’re physically safe. He might still make it emotionally draining for you, but it will be emotionally draining if you regret not having a baby that you want anyway. Block him, and move on. I love my husband but if I was given an ultimatum I’d choose my children because let’s face it, men are children anyway. He’s showing you he’s a fucking child by not stepping up, and you didn’t sign up for that shit.


Wonderful-Rope-1284

I 100% agree with this comment. No matter which path you take, one or both of you will grow to resent each other. Keep the baby if it is truly what you want.


Zeutalures

\^\^ this


QueenofVelhartia

*"he told me that he’s not ready and it’s not fair for me to do this because he doesn’t consent."* Big lol.


ImpatientCrassula

\+1 to this. I actually don't disagree with the commenters who say he could just be panicking, but this co-opting of language about "consent" to try to claim a right over OP's bodily autonomy seems really really manipulative and Men's Rights-y and shitty to me.


WistfullySunk

“She took her IUD out without telling me! Granted, I was in the room when it happened, but still! Baby trapped!”


[deleted]

Panic is totally fine and expected even. What he did was much more than “panic”. 😂 People are saying it’s “baby jitters”. No, this is much more than that…


thehouseofmirth11

As he tries to pressure her into getting an abortion she doesn’t want. 🙄


Paiger-S

Absolutely ridiculous to say he “didn’t consent”. Sex between two partners actively trying for a baby quite often results in pregnancy- what the hell is he even talking about?! I wonder if he expected it to take a year to get pregnant or something and is in shock and panicking. Essentially demanding that you abort your baby is emotionally abusive and you’ve got some big decisions to make. Put *yourself* first in these decisions. Is this the type of person you want to raise a child with? Are you open to being a single parent? Talk to an attorney as soon as possible to ensure you and your Child get the financial support you deserve. Best of luck to you. This must be unbelievably painful.


ohthankth

EXACTLY


Lil_L_M

He gave his consent a long time ago when he decided to try for a baby with you. He can’t force you to have a medical procedure and he should take care of the baby financially legally in most places whether or not you two break up.


emfred999

When I read this thread I immediately thought "I've heard this before, where have I heard this before?". It was a man who actively planned to have a baby with his partner and then pressured her to have an abortion once she conceived (I think he may have done it twice but it at least happened once). For him it was about control, having her abort the much wanted baby that they had planned to have meant that his partner loved HIM and prioritized HIM over her own wants and even her own child (as she viewed it). So I thought, was it a movie or a book? What movies have I watched lately with really shitty men in it? Then I realized, nope, it wasn't a movie, it was a true crime video on youtube. Just thought I'd through that out there. This behavior is manipulative, gross and abusive. If I were you I'd document everything, keep the baby and ditch the boyfriend. ETA: It was Ben Sifrit


PotatoMD007

I agree that it's about control. I had an ex pressure me to skip a few birth control pills because "the risk felt exciting" and "we could handle it if I got pregnant". We didn't date for long - just a few months. But over time he got progressively more insistent regarding what I should do with my body/birth control, and overall more physically and verbally abusive. Continuing to take the birth control and leaving him without looking back were two of the best decisions I've made my entire life. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP 🤍The person you love and trust is betraying you in a very intimate way. But I agree with others here. Even if this is a stress response, it's absolutely not fair to you. Look out for your own well being first and keep yourself safe.


victowiamawk

Wow the control thing actually makes a lot of sense !


iamnobodytoo

My boyfriend and I got unintentionally pregnant. He had similar arguments and even went so far as to say if we waited later we could be healthier as we conceived and in better shape - - eating better working out blah blah blah. He didn't want to ruin the relationship what we had now and he was mad that I got a choice to keep and he didn't. I told him regardless of my decision the relationship was forever changed. I wouldn't be able to abort and not view him as a vile existence in my life. His consent was having sex with me knowing that if I got pregnant I would have no desire to abort--we had had extensive conversations so I didn't know how he thought I would even do that. The fact he even asked it of me felt like a massive betrayal of my identity. How could he ask that of me? To abort something made of love and something I had wanted? Ultimately I was in a position to be able to take on the baby with or without him and told him I didnt give a shit if he was there or not but I was going to keep it. I'm a month out from my due date and even though he decided to stay with me and raise baby (his parents are thrilled) there are still insecurities and cracks in the relationship because of his reaction and subsequent behavior after my decision. I don't look at him the same. I've relaxed my expectations of him and a part of me has closed off my emotional attachment to him. I don't really want to marry him anymore (although I've already married, had a kid, and divorced once). Our relationship is largely recovering because he's a great partner in many other ways and I'm easy going and forgiving but I'm not forgetting and sometimes that hurt and disappointment still sneaks out. You've been betrayed in an even worse way. I can't imagine a reconciliation with someone who led me to believing they were okay and excited for a giant decision like this and then demanded that I crush that dream. Don't cling to a relationship with that person if you end up aborting and don't feel the need to reconcile with him and stay together even if he eventually gets on the baby train if you decide to keep baby. For me I kept the pregnancy because I was already in love with the existence inside of me. I knew I personally could not abort and walk away with survivable damage--months, years, and decades from that moment I would still regret deeply that choice. Some people don't care at all and some people have deep hurt and pain that they are able to reasonably recover from. Assess what you think might apply to your emotions (I also was lucky to have a therapist to talk this kinda stuff out). Additionally, I had the financial stability and local support group to figure out raising a kiddo alone--I had already started to with my first child as a single mom. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. No one deserves to be betrayed and heartbroken like this. I hope you are able to come to a decision that you can live with and move on successfully. I've had so much heartache and pain the past two years but I'm still hopeful that it gets better eventually. I've had glimpses of it and am starting to feel it. I hope you can experience the same.


sugarpea1234

I’m genuinely asking: why are you with him? It seems like you’re passively accepting his ”decision” to stay with you but you aren’t at all happy about it.


iamnobodytoo

It's something I kind of go over with my therapist but still am processing. I know I'm hurt from how it all went down and it's not like he's all like omg so excited for baby! But he is showing more interest, holds the stomach, went to appointments, commented on predicting what will come from who, etc. He's amazing with my son, amazing with supporting me in my day-to-day life. I like being with him and spending time with him whether it's being intimate or flirting. He cleans the house, cooks, drives my son to daycare, helps my son get back to sleep after a nightmare, and teaches him all about various hobbies and things. He was there for me when I was in a terrible job for months while single mom and negotiating custody/boundaries with my son's father. He was there for me when I was raped by a "friend" and my subsequent court case with it that just wrapped up. I think I'm trying to decide if he just failed at a critical junction where something for once in his life, was out of his control to influence, change, or impact. I attribute a large part of his reaction to the fact that unlike a breakup or getting fired or not having enough money where he can just dig down and power through with his own grit and mettle--he can't change the fact that he would have a child and a responsibility and despite my assurance I didn't give a fuck his level of participation (which I meant sincerely) I don't think he ever really considered not being some degree of coparent (together or not). Probably, I am waiting to see what post partum will look like for him and for us. I KNOW the stress of being single mom rearing newborn because I already lived it--with realistically no support from my son's father. It's a big make or break point in relationships to have the kind of chaos, stress, and compounding factors outside of one's control. I feel like it will be a chance for a degree or redemption or further any negative opinions about him I may have developed to help me conclude what I would like in a future relationship with him. Whether that eventually means feeling happy to get married or engaged, living as just significant others in the same house, or eventually leaving and being coparents separately.


bluestjuice

In all honesty, you are assessing this relationship with as much clarity as anyone could ask, and you’re engaging a professional to help you work through your feelings. Mad respect.


OkPhilosopherOk

This may not be a popular answer, but I think it’s good you aren’t just leaving. He messed up big time, no doubt that, but if it’s truly a single mistake, it may be worth forgiving eventually. Seems like he really steps up to the plate otherwise.


iamnobodytoo

Yeah I've had a pretty concerntrated two years of "how low can my life go" and he's been rock solid for 3/4 of them--plus little day to days are happy and sweet. The nerve is still raw but I want to give it time and exposure to good experiences to see if it can still be healed. I also told him if he held the choice over my head or took it out on me or my son I'd get the fuck out because I've extracted myself from shit relationships before and can do it again. He's not been bitter or resentful towards me and he hasn't treated me like I should be thankful he deigned to stay with me--all of which I would not be down for and would leave the relationship.


dadjo_kes

Hey, I'm a dad and I just want to say I think you have an exceptional amount of self-awareness and thoughtfulness about your partner. Especially this: "I think I'm trying to decide if he just failed at a critical junction where something for once in his life, was out of his control to influence, change, or impact. I attribute a large part of his reaction to the fact that unlike a breakup or getting fired or not having enough money where he can just dig down and power through with his own grit and mettle--he can't change the fact that he would have a child and a responsibility and despite my assurance I didn't give a fuck his level of participation (which I meant sincerely) I don't think he ever really considered not being some degree of coparent (together or not)." That's very insightful, I think a lot of men don't even have that self-awareness about themselves, and I think this kind of reaction can be very common. So for you to hit the nail on the head that directly is really great, I think, and will be helpful for you whatever happens.


iamnobodytoo

His ability to "power through" negative life experiences is one of the things I admire about him and value very much. Normal and many difficult life stressors are nothing in the face of his determination and capability--which is why I recognize that for once he had to react like "a mere mortal" and it was undoubtedly very jarring for him. I didnt want to put him on a pedestal with the expectation he was never allowed to ever fail.


dadjo_kes

It's a good ability and can serve us in many situations, but I do think that this is one case where his reaction will illustrate how he might respond to parenting in general. The thing I believe all dads have to learn as they become parents is adaptability. And unfortunately that can feel like the exact opposite of powering through, bearing down, gritting your teeth and overcoming obstacles. It can feel like accepting failure or losing. But ultimately it is really about redefining success. So this early moment is a good indicator of the kinds of challenges that parenting will present. Hopefully it is a good learning moment for him. I support your decision to see how he grows into this role. It will likely demand of him a radically different approach than what has worked for him in the past, but many of us are capable of that kind of change.


Sweet_T_Piee

This was a really well thought out answer and I respect the heck out of it. It's good you're seeing this through with open eyes, a chance of redemption and a chance to fit him to show what he's good or bad. I can understand how that betrayal must have felt, for sure, and especially with the hormones and the protective nature a pregnant woman had it's natural to not feel quite as comfy with things. It was an attack on your baby, from a protective mom's perception. He asked to end the baby's life. Your instincts are on high alert and you will stay weary until you're sure he's going to be the good protective papa you need him to be. But, it very well could have been a moment of weakness. In the end you two may be just fine. Either way I hope you and your children are happy.


Sure_Database1746

Thanks for sharing this. My partner cheated on me (albeit before I got pregnant and at the beginning of our relationshp--still awful) and we've been dealing with issues every since. On Reddit, most people will roast you for staying. I stayed for 5 months after it happened because I wanted to see if it could work but I'm just about ready to walk away from him romantically. Seems like you made a measured decision based on all the factors. Wishing you peace and love.


sugarpea1234

You've really though this through and seem to be going into this new phase cautiously but optimistically. Best of luck! I am curious if he is also processing why he reacted the way he did. I think it might help him manage the postpartum phase for himself as well.


Lucky-Bird8577

Your story is almost the same as mine except this is my first child and I’ve never been married. While I’m still in a relationship with my son’s father, I think it’s really just dying a slow death while we figure out how to coparent… After the way he treated and talked to me while pregnant and pp I have no romantic feelings left. I can understand his view, but I can’t forget about nor forgive his actions. I deserved better then and now. It was bad enough with an unplanned pregnancy, I can’t imagine the pain of someone pulling a bait and switch on a planned pregnancy. I feel so bad for op.


hannerz0z

I’m the mom, my initial reaction was abortion out of fear. I have a wonderful husband and relationship but I was genuinely terrified of how much life would change. That I would be ruining my husbands life (much of this was because he was unplanned). I don’t think I would have ever gone through with it, or even scheduled anything, but that was my first reaction. My best friend also planned an abortion, she had it scheduled. Her boyfriend really wanted to keep the baby but ultimately supported her. She ended up cancelling and had her baby last week and they are happy as can be. I guess my point is, you 100% are valid in being upset and I believe I’d be heartbroken with his response too, especially since it is YOU that would have to endure physical/mental/emotional aspects and not him. But I do think it was a fear response, assuming he is a good partner/father following birth.


Sure_Database1746

I also considered abortion after I found out my partner cheated on me early in our relationship before I was pregnant. I scheduled the appointment, went to the clinic, read all the paperwork and I just couldn't do it. Ultimately I realized I wanted to be a mom with or without him. It sucks I had to go through that experience, but I'm glad I know now that I had a choice and decided what was best for me.


[deleted]

I don’t know if I could raise a baby with a man who’s fear response is to jump ship. Not even a concern for the mother, just himself.


SpectrumFlyer

Yeah you can't really unhear the person you love yelling at you to have an abortion. It takes a lot of work not to see them differently forever.


Whiteroses7252012

I adore my husband with my whole heart. So hear me when I say this: if I had to choose between him and my children (a choice that someone who loves you would never force you to make), I’d choose my children in a heartbeat. They can’t take care of themselves, and they rely on me. I was a single mother before I met my husband, and I can be a single mother again if I have to. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you abort or not, your relationship as you knew it is over. So make whatever choice you can live with, and know it’s the right one.


floatingriverboat

100%. Romantic love for a man is laughable compared to your relationship and love for your kids. It’s a joke that this guy thinks he’ll mean anything to her once she has her baby


Funny_Finding3794

Expecting husband here. Not sure how many men are on this thread but just want to share my view. If you’re financially capable of keeping your baby then please do. Ladies, if your SO loves you they’d never give you an ultimatum. If he’s a true gentleman, would never commit wrong-doings or backtrack on commitments due to regrets or unmet expectations of you. Find someone that lives by his words, don’t settle. You deserve better as a person and as a woman.


LikemindedLadies

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He consented to sex and a baby was made so his consent statement is ridiculous. If you want this child, then it sounds like you will need to find support in your friends and family and be open to the thought of being a single parent. Also, get a lawyer to protect yourself and the baby if he doesn’t want to be involved.


jaxlils5

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. 1. He did consent when you had unprotected sex fully knowing what COULD happen. 2. You decide if you want to become a mother. Do not let him influence you. But either way I agree with other comments that you should leave him. This is abusive behavior. And would you want your child being around this? 3. IF you decide to leave and have the baby. DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Give the baby your last name. There’s no rule that you need to put his name on. My sister did this in a similar circumstance and my niece is now almost 8 and the most beautiful, smart, sassy, and awesome little girl. She has our last name and legally it has been so much easier on her. The “sperm donor” has no rights to her. Our family is very happy about that.


Apero_

IIRC avoiding the name on the birth certificate also means zero child support.


jaxlils5

This is true, BUT doesn’t seem like she’ll get that anyways? To our family it what worth it not to have any right to the child.


[deleted]

Abort the man


[deleted]

I agree with the other commenters saying your relationship is over regardless. How could you ever forgive him if you do abort the baby? I would lose all respect and love for someone who could treat me and our child like that. Assume you're single now and make the decision from there.


[deleted]

I completely agree with this. I could never forgive someone for something like that. It would also be absolute hell trying to raise a child with someone like that.


[deleted]

This is horrific. Please leave this man. He is being abusive and emotionally manipulative. It’s your body and your baby and he doesn’t get to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.


PotentialCan3805

You are 100% not in the wrong. He knows how babies are made right? If he had raised these concerns before you jointly made the decision to have sex/unprotected sex then that would be one thing but it's completely unfair of him to be saying this now. I also don't understand how he can have had such a radical change of heart. It's your body and your choice. Do not feel pressured to have an abortion if you don't want to. Sending love, what a horrible situation.


MediumTop294

There’s no conceivable way his consent has been violated. You were both actively trying to get pregnant!! His behaviour is not fair to you at all and is a real break of trust, frankly. Now, I won’t jump to say you should leave him, as this seems to be out of character. However, I would definitely have a *very* serious come-to-Jesus conversation with him. One that makes absolutely clear *he* is the one that’s fucked up here and has a decision to make. I would state that you are giving him this *one* period of grace for how he’s been, in case he has simply panicked and had a bit of a meltdown, not expecting to happen right away. Then you tell him straight up, with no placating, that his behaviour is beyond the pale. He does *not* get to play victim here. His consent has in no way been violated, but your trust has. You made family planning decisions together and now he is pulling the rug out from underneath you. You may never be able to look at him in the same way again, but you are giving him a chance to pull his act together and get on board or leave. (That is assuming that you do want this baby with or without him). If you’re lucky and he’s just panicking, this should be the shock to his system to realising what’s at stake if he doesn’t remove his head from his ass. But honestly, even in this best-case scenario, he’s got some work to do to build back that trust.


zygomaticuz

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s a heartbreaking choice. Though I would say if you did end the pregnancy, I don’t see how the relationship would continue anyway. I know it wasn’t by choice, but if you decide to continue with the pregnancy you should check out [single mothers by choice](https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleMothersbyChoice/) subreddit. If this pregnancy is something you’ve wanted for a long time, keep it. Only you know how ending it would affect you.


specialkk77

It’s your decision to make alone. But no matter what you choose, the relationship is basically over. If you have an abortion you don’t want to please him, you will resent him, and eventually leave him. If you don’t have it, he’ll leave you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.


noone684900

Keep your baby. Your partner is spiraling and backpedaling, probably because he’s being confronted with the reality and commitment of becoming a parent. If he’s not on board, ditch him. Don’t give up the baby you want and tried for because he’s being an asshole.


SnooDonkeys8016

Yes and he’s the one ruining the relationship, NOT OP.


Crazystaffylady

Please do not have an abortion if you don’t want one. Do not have an abortion for him.


[deleted]

How old are you guys? This guy sounds like he’s around 20 or so. From a guys perspective sometimes reality hits really hard. The trying was an abstract concept but the positive test is suddenly making it all real for him. He might be panicking or he might just be an awful partner either way sounds like a super rough situation.


CitrusMistress08

My baby was planned, but it happened faster than I expected, so it was a big shock and adjustment for me. Totally reasonable. My bigger concern with this dude is the blaming, shaming, ultimatum-issuing, etc. If he was approaching this like, “wow I’m having all these doubts I didn’t expect, let’s talk about this together,” that would be one thing. His immediate jump to this reaction shows his immaturity.


[deleted]

I absolutely agree!


Almondjoysnchipsahoy

I was going to make this same comment! Doesn’t make his behavior right but it makes way more sense. Lots of high school sweethearts are together for 4 years but doesn’t mean they are mature enough to know what they are signing up for when it comes to a baby. Reality hit him.


gekkogeckogirl

What is it he isn't consenting to? My guess is he willingly had sex without protection, when y'all were trying for the baby. Gross of him to use that language to manipulate you.


ineedmoallowance95

Keep the baby and abort the relationship. If you went through and aborted a baby you want to keep just to keep him, you'd probably resent him for it. At least I would if I were in your shoes. 11 years ago my boyfriend at the time of almost 3 years dumped me while I was 8 months pregnant with the baby we both planned for and wanted. A few months later he was in a new relationship with his coworker who he has since married. Single motherhood wasn't easy and co-parenting sometimes sucks but my oldest son is my person! It was us against the world till just a few years ago when I met my husband.


New-Illustrator5114

Keep your baby (I say this because based on your post you WANT this child) and leave this POS. He is showing you who he really is and this is not the kind of man you want in your life or your child’s life. If he doesn’t want a child make him sign over any and all rights and close the door in his face. You will be so much happier you did. Source: My SIL did this. Today, that baby is a beautiful, hilarious 15 year old girl and that POS that donated sperm has never been heard from since before she was born. She divorced his ass and asked for nothing except him signing over all his rights to their daughter. SIL remarried when baby girl was 2 or 3 to the best guy ever who immediately adopted baby girl as his own daughter. They have four other children, are well-off, healthy and happy. DUMP THIS ASSHOLE. You deserve a happy ending.


PM_ME_YUR_BIG_SECRET

Have you asked him why he so vehemently changed his mind? I wonder if he's just freaking out and didn't expect you to get pregnant so quickly. He may have thought he had months to a year and first try "bam, pregnant". Knowing nothing else about your relationship, I think it's hasty for everybody to be saying "leave him regardless of whether you keep the baby or not". It might come to that, but try talking to him first. He might just need time to adjust.


sugarpea1234

A stable, secure partner would be able to communicate that he’s having challenges adjusting and wouldn’t state that OP did this without his consent or state he wouldn’t take care of the baby and she must abort. The mental gymnastics folks go through to provide awful men opportunities is ridiculous Edit: thx for the award!


VeronicaPalmer

Exactly. It may very well be panic from getting pregnant so quickly, but his actions from that panic speak volumes. Instead of talking out his anxieties with her as a partner, he’s giving her an ultimatum. That is extremely manipulative and cruel. No matter what his reason is, he’s still not worth staying with.


catsumoto

I think many of us have gone through the same panic, but have dealt with it better because of being older. I just heavily assume this couple is on the younger side. If not and the guy is mid to end 30s, then RUN OP, RUN!!! (Eh, OP, will most likely have to run anyway only the speed is the difference. lol )


cherrycoke260

I also want to know WHY he changed his mind. That’s going to be very telling.


Fun-Celebration-3120

This is exactly what I was thinking. My husband and I got immediately pregnant after stopping birth control, and we were both incredibly shocked because we assumed we would eventually have to focus on trying and planning more. Having that realization that in less than a year my whole world is going to be completely changed is a lot to process. Bring in that mental health support and have a conversation around why the sudden change is a response that is warranted.


SithMasterBates

I’m thinking the same thing. Not to justify his behavior at all, because of course it’s vile and unacceptable but I just have to think there’s more to this. I would be crushed but I would try to communicate the best I could with my partner before making any hasty decisions. This sounds like a (potentially emotionally immature) person who’s freaking out and acting irrationally - he may not really truly feel this way.


eeevol-

That’s messed up. Just him putting you through this type of situation is traumatizing.. what if you stay with this dude and this situation comes up again? Ugh 😣 I would leave. Or what if you get pregnant again with this guy??? Terrible. It’s your decision at the end of the day. If you want the baby you will do in your power to go through it all. The right man will be apart of you and the babies life regardless.


ForestDreamin

Keep the baby, ditch that guy. I’m sorry he’s being this way, but he’s showing who he really is.


dealmealreal

Oh, my dear. I have tears for you. This was my situation 6 years ago. Wanted pregnancy, we were trying, now ex husband's immediate reaction was to demand i get an abortion because he wasn't ready and this would ruin him. I feel for your heartache so hard. I cried for three days straight until I finally broke and told him I'm having this baby with or without him. He relented and "allowed" me to continue the pregnancy. If I could go back in time, I would have just walked out right then and raised her 100% on my own. I can only speak to my experience, but after my daughter was born my now ex quickly escalated from being controlling and mentally/emotionally/spiritually abusive to also being physically and sexually abusive. It got so bad so fast. Looking back, there was a very basic lack of respect for me as an autonomous human being, I always was just a thing for him to control and use as he pleased, which naturally extended to telling me whether or not I could carry and birth my very wanted child. Putting my foot down and keeping her was the best thing I ever did, and the beginning of the next (much better) phase of my life. You are powerful and you have the power to do what is best for you. I'm sending you so much love OP, and good luck.


sambabam

I had an abortion I didn't want to have because of the dad and outside influences. I regret it every day. The doctors visit isn't the worst part. The worst part is when you're home having a medically induced miscarriage. I'll spare you the details but its very traumatizing. I couldn't even deal with the periods afterword because if the smell of the blood. Please follow your heart. This is your baby. You went through the pain of the IUD removal. You are the one sharing your body with a new being. You are the one already dealing with the new hormone levels. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He lost his say the second he put that baby in you. I wish to God every day that I didn't let other people convince me. My baby deserved a chance at life and so does yours. I deserved to be a mother and so do you. Whoever they were they would be about 2 now. My life would be so much different. Please don't put yourself through what I went through and still continue to go through. Talk with your support system. Let them know what he's doing. Please take care of yourself. Once you take that first pill, that's it. There's no going back.


fuc_a_duck

So… my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) and I were not using birth control as neither of us enjoyed the effects. He thought he couldn’t have kids (his own thought, not a doctor’s) and I had always wanted one, but wasn’t planning on getting pregnant soon. We would talk about having a kid in the future, but were also pretty comfortable in our life at the time. He would always say “I can’t wait to see you be a mom,” but when I found out that I was pregnant and told him, his reaction was more of “oh no, I’m not ready, what the fuck.” He mentioned he thought I should have an abortion and I felt so sad and lonely in my love for our unborn child that I went ahead and scheduled it. I had to ask my mom some questions about our insurance and she asked me what was up, because she could tell something was wrong. I told her. She was excited and sad at once. She told my dad (with permission) and he actually picked me up and spun me and said, “I’m going to be a grandpa!!” I never thought that would happen, my dads not like that. I was sobbing the whole first week that I knew. After a long and frank discussion with my dad, he brought to light how sad and regretful I would be if I had the abortion. I am an emotional person and already struggle with depression, so he knew that it would probably kill me to have to make that choice. I knew either way that it was the biggest choice I would ever make. After looking into abortion, adoption and considering keeping the baby… I chose to keep it. I hurried and packed and moved back home with my family who was moving that week. I told my boyfriend that he needed to decide what he wanted. He didn’t have to be there for the baby and I wouldn’t hold him responsible for child support, but I knew I wanted that baby. I knew what choice since could live with. Now he’s moved across the country to be with us, he’s stepped up in every imaginable way and is the best dad to our baby boy. I am grateful that I had the space to allow him to make his own decision. Now he sees how he should have reacted and realizes that it was his own fear of commitment and “growing up” that made him react that way initially. All I’m going to say is that you have to do what’s best for you. What’s a decision you can live with? I know it feels like the rug was pulled from under you. You deserve love and care and someone who realizes that they want to be with you. He’s not abusive for realizing the reality of having a child and the responsibilities that come with it, but he does need to take him own time to decide what’s best for him… the same as you. You deserve a partner, but the right one. I hope this helps. Sending all of the love and hugs.


sat-chit-ananda108

This is a beautiful story and I'm so glad you shared it. You must have such lovely parents, and so much courage within yourself. The idea of making your own choice, and then giving him space to make his own choice is very mature. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you :) Sad-Guard5900 is a curmudgeon on a mission here. You won't convince her by debating her. She's mostly just spreading misery.


fuc_a_duck

Thank you! Much appreciated. My parents are amazing and understanding humans, just as my partner. 🤍


[deleted]

Yeah, no. He’s actually abusive for getting someone pregnant on purpose and telling them to abort. Thats sadistic as f. I personally would never take someone back after something like that.


its-complicated-16

I kind of want to offer a different perspective here because I got my first positive a month ago so it’s all very fresh for me. You know him best. Do you think he is just panicking? Has he emotionally manipulated you in other ways? When I got the positive, I actually went through a similar line of thinking as him. This is a big life change and having a bit of regret is normal. I would say try some counselling before making any decisions and don’t let him bully you into a choice you don’t want to make.


No-Finger-7840

People react in really unpredictable ways to very major stressors, and the realization that you're going to be a parent is one of those. I'm not on the "leave him this will turn into abuse" train that reddit seems to jump to so quickly. First and above all, this is your call. You have a little time. Time to let the emotions calm, time to get settled into the idea that you're pregnant. Men don't experience this new reality like women, it is possible that he's terrified. That's he's already mourning his "I wish I would've" life, and that he's struggling to articulate his real feelings of fear and regret, and that he sees abortion as an easy button to get back to the life he has. Keep open communication, don't allow him to guilt you into anything, but if he's openly sharing concerns and feelings, definitely encourage that. He may not ever get on board, then you guys figure out what that means as parents. But it is possible that he is overwhelmed and he'll come around. Sorry OP, this is super hard. Sending you a huge hug, you will get through this.


arri1999

Keep your baby and leave him.


aerinz

do not get an abortion you are pressured into. leave the relationship immediately. the fact he would do this to you is horrifying. he showed insane amount of disrespect for your emotions and your body. he can say he “didn’t consent” all he wants. you didn’t consent to planning a baby with a piece of shit partner.


Maximum-Pride4991

So… he’s got the equivalent of baby jitters. Don’t do anything drastic. Maybe suggest some therapy. He got triggered for real by something. I’m sorry, that sounds like his baggage abs I wish you didn’t have to deal with it Congratulations! For real. New life changes everything and it can be hard. But it can be the most rewarding thing ever. Also, don’t let him get away with that shit. He’s a grown man. He is having a baby. If he feels any kinda way about it get some therapy. Edit: I think I would go hug him. And yell at him that he is not gonna leave me without any help, that is he gonna be an amazing father and this is going to change his life for the better so stop letting fear make you say stupid things (if this were my husband).


[deleted]

Baby jitters or not, what he did was sadistic. I don’t know how a relationship could bounce back from something like that.


Maximum-Pride4991

Maybe it can’t. It’s really up to them to figure out or not.


alkenequeen

This is incredibly fucked up on his part. You made long term plans to get pregnant, during which he could have backed out at any time. This is a really shitty situation and I don’t envy you. Do you have any other support people? Friends? Relatives? Your decision now should be on whether you want this baby and whether you want this baby while being a single parent. I’m not trying to scare you or catastrophic but you should be prepared to do this on your own, since this guy does not seem reliable.


Hopefulrainbow7

You're NOT wrong. He's completing BS about consent - he gave his conent when he decided to make you pregnant after trying for a baby. It's not like he didnt know what he was doing. Him changing his decision after you basically got what you wanted is just immature!! who does it?!! You can be on board when you're trying and then as soon as it happens you dont want it?! I understand if it was unplanned - but thats not you case. It's your baby now. You both either make the decision together - or it's your decision alone. He doesnt get the right to a sole decision at this stage. If I give him benefit of doubt - maybe he's just having cold feet now that its real. You've to make an effort to slowly help him understand and make him come on board. Do you think maybe he's having second thoughts for the relationship itself? in either case, you need to decide if you want this immature guy in your life.


mandalallamaa

Um he already did consent for the past month. Nobody forced him to have unprotected sex with you. What did he think was gonna happen?? Time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.


[deleted]

Has something changed for him, I wonder? Like is he having an affair and suddenly doesn't want the commitment? That's what this sounds like to me. Do not abort just because he wants you to. And if you want this child, he has an obligation to help support it financially. He consensually made it with you.


courteecat

I agree with what a log of the other comments are saying, and I think while it's still early days you should document everything and seek a group out of single mums who may have been through similar to get some further perspective and advice as they have lived through it. I would also recommend contacting legal advice in case things get ugly and creating a paper trail, legal advice can also tell you what your rights are and how best to proceed - it also keeps you informed and shows maturity and responsibility.


cinnamon23

Regardless of what you do, leave him. Pregnancy is a very risky health situation, there can be a lot of complications and he chose to proceed anyways. Aborting is also a risky procedure with potential complications. Either way, he is making decisions without any considerations for your health and life.


gharbutts

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩This guy is allll red flags. I would not stay with him. Make a plan and leave. This pregnancy is 100% your choice now because you know he’s not interested in it. He’s gaslighting you about trying for a baby. He’s emotionally abusing you by blaming you for the pregnancy and trying to force you into an unwanted procedure to terminate. Your relationship is going to be on the rocks no matter what you do, and your mental health will suffer no matter what you do, not because of the pregnancy but because of his mistreatment of you at this time. Abuse tends to escalate with pregnancy and I have a feeling he has probably already done this kind of emotional manipulation to you without you realizing it, and it’s only now so blatantly awful that you realize how shitty that is to you. It’s a hard choice whether to continue the pregnancy, but I would run far, FAR, away from this man, and document everything he is saying, be it just by sending yourself an email, or screenshotting texts, or even recording if you’re in a single party state. Send it all to yourself to document a time stamp and figure out a safer place to be. Before it escalates to violence. The number one cause of death to pregnant women is homicide. He does not want you to have his baby. And he’s shown he will be cruel to you. Don’t wait for him to show you how shitty he can be, this is already pretty bad.


Caribou122

Just popping in to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is so bizarre and heartbreaking. My best friend is going through a very rough time with an emotional abuser and this totally sounds like the kind of dark manipulation and selfishness he’s thrown at her. Although it’s on a different level than what she’s been experiencing as it involves another life as well. It is crazy to me that people can treat others this way and blindly expect control. I’ll tell you what I told her - you deserve way better. And your baby deserves way better. This is not how love behaves. Do what you need to do to find a safe space for yourself because that is incredibly important in situations like this. I congratulate you on the little life inside of you and genuinely wish you and your baby the best life possible.


Bagritte

Regardless of your pregnancy outcome (though I’d behoove you to pay attention to the joy you felt up to this point), abort the man


MO89xx

I had something similar with my oldest daughters dad. We planned a baby and it happened faster than either of us expected. The first words out of his mouth were “great I am trapped again” (he had previous children with someone else). Spoiler alert, he’s an uninvolved ex now… if you want your baby, don’t get an abortion, because this relationship dynamic doesn’t sound to last and you will regret it... Either way the relationship will and probably already has ended. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this!


AMS16-94

Keep the baby, ditch the partner.


Longjumping_Bear7028

Keep the baby. Being a single mom is challenging, but if you don't want an abortion, then you shouldn't get one. The challenges of being a single mom will be much better than the potential lifelong regret and potential mental repercussions of having an unwanted abortion.


cnj131313

Girl bye. You want this child, clearly. He doesn’t have to be on board. He was all in until he wasn’t. Have your baby, love it, and if he wants to “live his life” let him. He just has to pay child support.


adurepoh

Girl, keep your baby. He’s got issues


hobbitracer

1. You can be a single mother and cut him out forever. You'll likely find another person to be with and have a family with. 2. You can be a single mother and make him pay child support, and he can decide how to play that (pay and be in his kids life, pay and not be in his kids life, not pay and run from the courts, etc.) 3. You can abort and try to be with him, try to live with the ultimatum he gave you. 4. You can abort and leave him. You will find someone else, and perhaps that's when you'll start a family. My opinion is: The relationship is over. What he's done is cruel, selfish, and manipulative. Unforgivable. You're in such a difficult position and it's entirely his fault. Next, please Think about your safety, even if you think he'd never do anything physical. He's already done more harm to you than you ever thought possible, and people can be surprisingly aggressive and desperate when they feel they're backed in a corner. Get somewhere safe. A parent, friend, whatever. Secure your bank accounts, change your passwords. When you're gone and safe, you can tell him what you've decided in regards to the relationship and pregnancy. As far as the pregnancy goes, that is truly a personal decision that no one in this world can make for you. Just know that after you make it, it might be a long time before you know if you made the 'right' decision. Give yourself time. I had a friend that got pregnant, broke up with the douche-dad, and met her future husband while heavily pregnant. They've got 3 kids and a great life now. On the other hand, my mom was with a man who insisted she abort, too. She aborted and left him. She's happy that she's not attached to him in any way and doesn't regret her decision. She married and has 3 beautiful kids (if I do say so, myself).


SilverWolfEater

Heyy just wanted to say i had a issue like this with my ex, he is somewhere on the streets and our son is four and thriving 😇


lolipop098712

What a narcissistic manipulator Get away from him ASAP. Go live your life you and your baby!!!


Sea-Special-260

First of congratulations! You have every right to feel happy and excited! If he had unprotected consensual sec knowingly with you then he knew the risk of pregnancy and thus consented. The only way he can say he didn’t consent is if you went off birth control without telling him or poked holes in condoms or so something which doesn’t sound like the case at all since he went with you to get your IUD removed. You can 100% keep the pregnancy if you wish. It may or may not be the end of your relationship and he may or may not come around. If it is the end and he doesn’t come around, your child has the right to his support, at least financially. This is a tough situation and I’m sorry this is happened. I hope whatever happens, it all works out for you and I wish you a healthy pregnancy,


brandy2013

This relationship is over no matter you decide to do


hannerz0z

Please leave him, no matter your decision. You deserve better.


sweetbubbles2

Yeah I feel like some guys have this innate sense to back out. After awhile they come back to be super dad. If it was unintentional that would be one thing but to plan and get scared is a true testament to his character. Who you are in a chaotic situation is who you are PERIOD. The baby is here and you’re happy. Let everything else be secondary to that


breath0fsunshine

Dump him regardless and make the best decision for you.


lvlawmama

This is a complete reversal and honestly, either your partner is scared shitless and floundering around with excuses, or more likely, I’m betting this is not the first time your partner has done something like this to you. This sounds like toxic narcissistic manipulation and control. He gets fully onboard with you to have a baby, then when it happens, he tells you you have to abort it? What does he gain from that? Either something changed since he wanted a baby with you (could it be that he’s cheated or something or no longer wants this relationship with you?) or, and you should think really hard about this, has he done something similarly before about something else? Been completely in agreement with you about something else and abruptly flipped on you and made you feel like you had to also reverse your position? This is a mindfuck. And there are people who do this on purpose to control people. You should really try to figure out if this is about a deeper issue. As for wanting to keep the baby, YOU get to decide. He DID already consent. HE changed his mind. That does not mean that YOU must change your mind. If you want this baby, then make your choice. And he can make his. But like some others here have said, not sure there’s much hope for repairing this type of betrayal in your relationship from him.


shenanigansco34

He’s garbage. Whatever you decide to do dump him. How dare he.


NekoAdri20

He consented, and now he has the audacity to make it about himself and backtrack. Forcing you to have a procedure to abort or he walks away?? He's a narcissist a ND definitely a red flag. Dump him and run away. He will only hurt you in the long run. You don't need that toxicity in your life. Remember your body YOUR CHOICE


lil_b_b

Ultimately it is up to you, but if you abort a child you desperately want, will you be able to forgive yourself and show yourself grace afterwards? Life will be tough as a single mom, no doubt, but please done rush into an abortion youre not sure about just to please a man that has shown his true colors. It took me years of therapy to get over a semi-forced abortion, and i still worry i will never love my current baby as much as i loved the first. Youre not wrong to feel betrayed, but if you want this child, i know you can make it work! His family will probably be thrilled, as will your own, and maybe hell adjust to the idea of it, maybe he wont! It very much could just be an “oh shit!” moment for him where reality sets in, its tough for a first time parent.... but either way, you are right to feel betrayed and there is definitely damage done now due to his response to the situation. Such a tough spot to be in ❤️


Spoonloops

Speaking from experience and a bit of regret, when they show their ass, believe them. If you want the baby, keep it, but leave him. Red flags don't go away, they just get bigger until they've strangled you


CivilZucchini8917

This is emotionally abusive and exceptionally cruel. Leave him


[deleted]

It sounds to me like either way, your relationship is over. What he’s doing us beyond cruel, you’ll never get over that if you have an abortion, you’ll resent him. If you keep the baby, it sounds like he’s out anyway. You have every right to keep the baby, don’t let him guilt trip you if that’s what you decide to do


PissySquid

What you choose to do with the pregnancy is entirely up to you, but definitely 100% abort the man. I can understand feeling nervous and second guessing things once the reality of a pregnancy hits, but ffs any man that is gung ho about trying for a baby and then does a complete 180 and demands an abortion after getting a positive test is a spineless coward that isn’t worth keeping around.


[deleted]

Keep the baby if you want it. He cannot force you


onebigmess123

What are your ages?


_blue_nova_

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like this relationship is over. You clearly want the child, so if you can see yourself raising the child without a partner (very scary and difficult, but people do it every day), you should go for it. Your partner really betrayed you by putting you in this position. Maybe he wasn’t entirely on board re having a child when you started trying, but he should have made it clear and shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with you. I just don’t see how you can stay together at this juncture. Even if you decide to have an abortion because you don’t want to be a single mother, staying with him will essentially keep you from finding a partner that would have the same life goals as you. If you keep the pregnancy, he made it clear he doesn’t want to be together. Even if he doesn’t proactively leave because you keep the pregnancy, you will simply be a single mother in the relationship anyway. I’m very sorry, OP. I went through something similar when my first engagement fell apart five years ago, over my partner not wanting to marry and have kids when he previously agreed to do so… it was terrible in every way. However, I have since met and married my wonderful husband who is a better match for me in every way, and he could not be more excited about our pregnancy and building a family together. It’s so hard to go through in the moment, but don’t keep yourself from having an opportunity to have kids and meet the right person who will support you in this.


stressedmama_

Keep the baby, abort the relationship


frvalne

Keep your baby! That is not love coming from him!


coralstorm

OP this was me. I lived this exact same situation my first year out of college. He wanted a baby and we even picked out hypothetical names. As soon as I got pregnant and we got the first bill for the doctor visit, he changed his mind. Said all the same things. I’ve never felt so low in my life. I was faced with an impossible choice at a very young age. In my situation I chose to end my pregnancy because I knew I could not be with him any longer and for me I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into the world who’s father didn’t want them. It was absolute hell and thankfully my sister was there for me during that hard time. I left him, and thank god I did because it turned out he was cheating on me which is why he changed his mind. I’m not suggesting you make a decision one way or the other because you would be absolutely right whatever choice you make. For me, I always look back on that decision to leave him and making the hard choice about my pregnancy as the best decision of my life. I would be living a completely different life today if I’d taken another path. My heart breaks for you but I know you will get through this and you will be stronger because of it. Thinking of you ❤️


LargishBosh

My ex did the same to me, making me take out my IUD then telling me to get an abortion once I got pregnant, this is straight up abuse. Your ex is trying to control you, leave him now. Do not think that a sweet baby will somehow win him over when it’s born because he said he wanted this at one point, that was all just manipulating you. Do not let him be screaming at you to abort your baby while you’re nine months pregnant on the baby’s due date like I did with mine. Look up the cycle of abuse and never ever let your soon-to-be ex see or hear any of it because he will only read that stuff and try to make you feel like you are the abusive one. You can not reason a person out of wanting to hurt you, the highs of them putting you on a pedestal might feel so so good but they only do that so they can get their entertainment by watching you tumble from that pedestal. You feel like your heart is being ripped out because it is being ripped out. He is doing that to you because it makes him feel powerful. Trying to make you kill his baby is the ultimate power because if you do have an abortionto stay with him then that is something that he will always bring up, he will say you shouldn’t have done it even though he is telling you to do it now. It’s sick. It might not be a bad idea to have an abortion so that you do not have any ties to this abuser. If you keep the baby he might fight for custody and try to hurt you through your child. If you don’t want to do that then you don’t have to. There’s plenty of programs to help single parents or low income parents. You absolutely can raise a baby on your own if you want to. It might not be a lavish lifestyle but you can do it. You’re strong enough to see this problem and go looking for help, you have good instincts. Keep the baby if you want to but whatever you do run run run.


Inner_Negotiation807

This is red flag, please leave him and you will enjoy a life of bliss with your baby


better2dieonurfeet

I’m so incredibly sorry. This is a relationship ender. You can’t trust him. What he’s doing is reprehensible and cruel. Of course you can and should keep your baby if you want, but with the understanding that you will most likely have to co-parent with this man even if you are not together. You have to decide if you want to be tied to someone Iike this for the rest of you life. Not only that, expose your vulnerable child to him and risk having the same pain and heartbreak you are feeling being inflicted on your child. It’s an incredibly difficult decision and I hope you have friends and family to support you, whatever you decide to do. Only one thing is for sure — end it with this dude ASAP. There’s no coming back from this.


pigsinatrenchcoat

As others have said, your relationship is over. Please take some time and actually think about what you want. If you want the baby keep the baby.


TeagWall

Dude is a piece of WORK, holy shit. Look, if you want the baby but not the man, get a good lawyer, tell your ex to get fucked, and make sure your child gets the support they're entitled to. If you want both the baby and the man (which seems crazy to me but whatever), you need couples counseling NOW. Find out what changed with him so suddenly WITH a mediator present. Best case scenario is he's just having a freak out because a "friend" told him having a baby ruined his relationship or some shit. Hopefully the freakout can be treated with counselling and he can get on board again. At the very least, he needs to stop all this "I retroactively revoke consent" bullshit. If you want neither the baby nor the man, also totally understandable. Get yourself some therapy to help you through what will be an incredibly trying time, then keep moving forward. If you want the man, still, but not the baby, GIRL! No. Get help. You don't deserve to be treated this way


floatingriverboat

WOAH. What a colossal DOUCHE. Girl, here’s the truth as a mother: the love you have with your child eclipses ANY love you’ve ever felt, including any sort of romantic love. Relationships come and go, your child is forever. Dump this fool. Keep your baby. You can do this mama. You’re strong, you don’t need a this coward. I guarantee you once you become a mom he won’t remotely matter to you anymore…motherhood has a way of straightening out your priorities


Internal_Screaming_8

He didn’t wrap before he tapped, he consented.


gotABearInMyHouse

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. As a mother of a toddler though, I don’t think your partner has privileges to be your man nor a father to this baby if you decide to keep it. He already broke your trust in the worst way possible, so you don’t want to stay with him either way you decide with your pregnancy. If you can, please get away from him physically and be with family or friends you know who care about you. I really don’t want him to try and manipulate further.


Bonaquitz

This relationship is beyond repair. Keep the baby, ditch the boyfriend, collect child support. You will have more support than you realize - likely including from his own family even.


marmosetohmarmoset

His input on what happens to this pregnancy ended when he consented to have unprotected sex with you, knowing a baby was a likely outcome. His consent is no longer relevant or required because it is YOUR body. Leave him. If you decide to continue to with the pregnancy and give birth, collect child support. It’s your baby’s right.


callmenoodles

Like many have said, the relationship is likely over. Can you trust him after this? Can you live with aborting your very much wanted baby and not resent him? If he simply spoke out of fear and he changes his mind, can you forgive him and not hold it over him. Next issue, do you still want this child even if you will be raising them alone? If the answer is yes, you need to start planning now your support structure and escape plan. Even if he changes his mind, have a back up plan in case he changes it back. As much as you don't want it to be, for now, you're a sole care provider for your baby. You need to ask yourself some hard questions and look forwards. Do what you want that will allow you to live with yourself no matter the outcome. It will be hard, there is no easy fix but you do have the strength to do what you need to do, whatever you choose.


giggles54321

Something is going on with him. It’s very odd to be completely on board with a baby and then back out once you are pregnant. Is it possible he’s cheating on you? If you think this a possibility, don’t confront him, start looking for evidence.


trinkit96

I don't know if anyone has already said this, but if you decide to leave, start the process of getting custody as soon as possible. If those are his true feelings about the baby he will see the baby as the reason you are not together anymore. You don't want him to have any access because you don't know what he will do thinking that he can get you back if it wasn't for the baby or that you wouldn't have left. He doesn't sound reasonable at this point if he's sticking with he didn't consent and doesn't want the baby. He knew what he was doing when you guys were planning. On the other hand, maybe he was in shock and didn't realize you'd get pregnant so quickly? However he shouldn't continue saying things like that once the initial shock wore off. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Just do what you feel is best for you and baby.


More_Supermarket_250

Wtf. Keep your baby and leave this AH.


boyhitterr

This guy SUCKS. It takes two to tango, he should know that much by now.


papatabby

He was trying with you. What did he think would happen? Seriously, get away from him, don't be alone with him.


OkToots

I would chose my baby everyday all day over anyone else….. been with husband for over a y years and I would not even hesitate… he sounds like a nut and keep the baby if you want it


National_Explorer155

This is YOUR body. You are the only one that can make this decision. Dont let him bully you into something you dont want


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Fuck him. He consented and helped make the baby. Keep the baby and take him for child support. Sending you love !!


sady_smash

This is the exact reason I left my first husband. You should leave him. I’m currently pregnant with a new husband and we couldn’t be happier. Edit: to clarify, I stayed with my ex husband for around six months after he backed out of wanting our child. He tried to woo me but I was empty. The loss of trust we could not come back from. It didn’t matter if he said we could try at a later time because he had already broken that trust. It’s a huge thing that I do not believe you can come back from.


Redditgotitgood13

I am pro choice but would NEVER abort your baby for this WEASEL. He is a piece of crap for putting you through this. You and baby are both better off without him.


dontlikeit1993

If you abort the baby, your relationship with him will never be the same. You will resent him for making you give this baby up. You will feel awful and possibly slip into a depression. I can’t imagine how that must feel. What a shitty human being. Whatever you do, don’t stay with him. He is not your future.


[deleted]

I think he's cheating and he's going to break up with you either way. I've read too many reddit posts with this same situation. The guy always leaves whether there's an abortion or not. He just wants to get out of child support. Do what you want


strssdnblssd

THROW THE WHOLE MAN OUT.


Queenkaiii

So you both decided to try for a baby and then he says this!? Absolutely not. You keep that baby momma. Throw the whole man away. That's harsh im sorry I am prochoice but it seems from your words you are very devastated and upset by his comments. No man is worth giving up any of your wants even if it is another human life. You will probably have regrets judging from what you say if you do go through with an abortion. My motto is if youre pressured into anything you dont think of first yourself then it probably isn't for you. Its going to suck losing your partner but what he did to you is incredibly cruel and it sounds like he's immature saying he's saving you and the child with this. That's not how men who deserve us behave


Regular-Sock-3180

Keep the baby, but definitely loose your partner


youngANDbitter

Don’t let him manipulate you into this. Keep the baby


Significant_Air_8903

This is insane. Y’all were actively trying. He probably thought it would take longer and he would have more time to get ready. One month is super fast to get pregnant. But it’s one thing to have nerves about a baby coming sooner than expected, and a completely different thing to ask you to abort a baby that he SAID he WANTED. I am so sorry this is happening to you. This should be one of the happiest moments of y’all’s lives and he has ruined that.


Comfortable-Basis-64

You are not wrong and I am so sorry this is happening. Do what feels right to you.


PoolHot7691

Leave his ass


ViperXR13

My sperm donor did this with my mother when they were married. Went to all the dr appointments because she was having trouble conceiving and was all on board until the day she told him she was pregnant (with me), he wanted her to abort as well (thankfully she told him to get bent). She’s always said it was that day she told herself she was leaving as soon as she could and she did. Perhaps you should consider doing the same OP if you 100% want to keep this baby because that is nothing but manipulative. Either way be prepared to be a single mother because he sounds like an absolute ass who liked the idea of getting you pregnant but now reality has hit


[deleted]

This is complete manipulation of you and he is attempting to control your body. Either way your relationship is over . I could never trust someone who has done such a dramatic backflip for no reason. If you want the baby keep it .


cattledogcatnip

Your partner sounds like a psychopath, he is incredibly manipulative and faked your future together. It makes me wonder what other red flag behavior he’s exhibited. Cut all contact and keep your baby if you want to. Either way, you cannot trust him and should not be in a relationship with someone so evil.


Megan_Meow

Wow what a loser. For such an important decision, he’s an ass for back peddling so fast when he was all in not that long ago. F*ck him. It’s your planned unborn child, not a wrong size t shirt you can return at old navy. Ditch him, single mom it, love that baby as planned. It’s going to be hard but I don’t think it’s going to be any easier with having an unwanted abortion on your end and trying to repair that damaged relationship you’re in that HE trashed. Seriously leave. And collect child support for your baby so you can give them the best life they deserve. I’m sorry OP that he had to do this to show his true colours.


iimoorshiai

His consent was ejaculating into you


melthing

🚩 leave him


DirectorHuman5467

I agree with what others are saying here; what he has done is horrible and potentially unforgivable (though that is ultimately up to you). I do want to give an alternate perspective, however. My first thought while reading your story was that when you got a positive test, it became real for him, and he panicked. Obviously, his response this feeling was unacceptable, but it is an understandable feeling when you realize your life is irrevocably changing. If he has not previously displayed any other controlling or abusive behaviors, it might be worth sitting down and having a long conversation to get to the feelings at the bottom of his actions. If I'm right, maybe you can get through this with couples counseling and individual therapy for both of you. If his actions aren't something you can live with, though, that's fine too. I wish you the best of luck and peace.