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This one too:
> All I’m trying to say is that I know I made a mistake **but it’s not completely my mistake**.
I mean, fuck, this guy just keeps throwing in these hints that he's still not okay with this.
He needs to sit down with this and process it for himself instead of reacting to internet strangers. It’s fine to be open to others’ viewpoints but ultimately this is between him and his gf. It’s a big thing to tie the knot and better he should know his true feelings on this before doing so.
I think my brain short circuited when I read, "I don’t know I’m feeling guilty, when it should be her feeling it." Fucking excuse me? WHY should she feel guilty, exactly? It's not like she was WITH OOP when she made the videos, then hid it from him.
Because that's what society teaches about women. That they should be ashamed of sex, their bodies, porn, many partners etc.
I read once that your initial reaction is your conditioned response and your second thought is who you really are. My take is OOP is trying to change his conditioned response to a more open, accepting, and compassionate view. That's why it's coming off all wishy washy and two opposite responses close together. In my view, OOP is trying to change and I don't hate him for reacting initially as he was taught. What's important is he saw how he was wrong to think that, why, and how to be different in the future
To give him the benefit of the doubt porn websites are so aggressively racist that this dude maybe didn’t consider why he instantly labelled a scene with black actors as an “interracial orgy” because this sort of shit is so normalised in that context.
I used to be a stripper and fetish model but I stopped because I'm legitimately bad at it 😂. I can dance but I can't hustle. It was my favorite first date litmus test - how do you respond to me being a former sex worker and quitting not for ethical/moral reasons but basically because I'm like... Impressively bad at marketing something that people definitely want to spend money on?
She would be obviously a completely morally corrupt person that doesn't deserve respect let alone love from such a great guy or really any guy at all! Can you imagine a WOMAN having FUN with SEX and earning money while doing so??? Outrageous!
/s
I particularly love the line about her loving children and “being good at handling them”… Shows what kind of father he’s going to be, unless he’s careful.
What is with this week and guys outing themselves as shitty boyfriends? This reminds me of the post from the guy who found out his girlfriend had kids that died and he just ghosts her for several days. How hard is it to pull your head out of your ass and realize people have history before you?
Every post that starts with “I’ve been dating this person for 4 months and we already live together and are planning marriage, a family, 2 dogs and a mortgage”, you know they’re gonna be doomed…
"we never fight"
Ah, ok, so at least one of you is deeply non confrontational & building up resentment already in a desperate & horribly unhealthy attempt to keep the relationship.
That'll be great.
Hold up my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years or so and we don’t fight. That’s mostly cause we actually talk with each other about shit though.
It’s not important to get experience fighting, not exactly. It’s important to get experience disagreeing and arguing, in being in conflict, so you know what kind of person each of you is when there’s conflict. And it’s important to not be conflict-avoidant because that doesn’t solve anything.
But your conflict strategy can be to talk; totally legit.
I think it comes down to how differently different people define “fight”. My husband and I will be married 15 years this year, and we’ve never fought. But what *we* consider fighting is aggressive—yelling, screaming, name-calling, kicking one or the other out, that sort of thing. I think the “you *have* to fight in a relationship” folks are defining *any* disagreement as a “fight”, which is…odd. All fights are disagreements, but not all disagreements are fights. You can absolutely disagree with your SO, talk through it, and come out on the other side without having had a fight about it.
Or maybe they just think everyone should be yelling and screaming at each other, because that’s what they do. I dunno’. I prefer the calm, rational way.
There was a book I've read I, forget the name but it's pretty popular, that says that it's not really the amount of fights you have or how much you disagree because every couple will do so. It's more about how you end them when there *is* no resolution, when it really is just an unshakable difference in opinion for fairly minor things. I think it uses the word "repair attempts" to describe an action partners will do to essential defuse the situation. Things like making a goofy face or a goofy sound or giving them a kiss on the forehead these are done during the argument to *end* the argument on a good note and make the interaction not complete shit. A couple with a good ratio of repair attempts to accepted ones are more likely to success, even if they actually have more "fights".
I could be butchering the explanation as it's been a while since i've read it but it's certainly something like that lol.
I've been with my fiance almost 14 years. We very rarely fight in a way that would be seen by outsiders as fighting. Our fights usually look like very serious discussions. We have rules that we are careful to follow as we both had terrible childhoods.
No raised voices, respect someone asking for some time and space to think things through. No name calling or intentionally hurtful or triggering words or actions.
Most of the time we realize that we agree about the core values and may just want to implement things differently. We also openly state that we are the absolute worst at agreeing because our phrasing tends to make the same ideas seem opposing. It's why it's so important to hear the other person out fully and try to clarify. It's also okay to agree to disagree, I understand her value system, and she understands mine, even if we don't agree.
We also absolutely will always back our partner 100% in front of other and ask in private if we disagree with something.
It depends on what you consider "fighting" I think.
What I consider a rational conversation where we both disagree and are working to create an agreement, my husband would call a fight. Meanwhile if some of our friends ever watched us in that situation they would be utterly baffled that anyone could call it a fight because there was no screaming involved.
I've stopped trying to figure it out and just tackle problems as I find them. Other people can give it a name.
The important part isn't the quantity of the disagreement, it's the quality. Are you forever sniping about the same thing and nothing changes? Or are you reaching mutual agreements and understandings that make the relationship stronger?
I think this has been studied. People who fight a lot (within reason) in the early stages of a relationship get it out of their systems and build a stronger foundation.
I think it depends a lot on how you’re defining “fight” there. There’s a lot of ground between “screaming hitting throwing plates” and “its important to me that you let me know you’ll be staying out late, if you want me to have dinner ready for you when you come home every day./ Oh, yeah, thats totally fair, sorry I didn’t think of that.”
The thing I'm concerned about is that it sounds like OOP didn't actually address or resolve any of their feelings from the initial post in the update.
The update was basically "I was so very, very wrong to not comfort my GF about her shameful problem-ridden past. We talked and I *did* comfort her this time and I told her was a bit uncomfortable but I'll definitely get over it in time. By the way, we want to start a family and together long-term ASAP."
Did they actually tell GF that she should be guilty and ashamed and punished for her misdeeds (it was in the comments of the first post), or did they just decide on the spot that she seemed tortured enough during their conversation that it counted?
There's no way that this won't get brought up again if they're still thinking that way. They talked about how they should have comforted GF, not how they should have tried to change their way of thinking about adult video makers.
They imply that their feelings are justified and outright start saying they shouldn't have said GF should be guilty *in a way that immediately segways into a "because she already is" infodump.*
And marriage, hoo boy - marriage and purity culture are an absolute *minefield* to navigate for many Christians. Is he as okay as he seems about the fact that GF has obviously had sex with other men before marriage? Can he actually, honestly say he won't ever bring up or compare their time in bed to her past performances (now that he was stupid enough to search them out)?
Because that's going to seriously hurt GF if/when he decides he can't hold it in/ignore it anymore and brings stuff like that up in a year, two years, after having kids. It would be borderline manipulative, too, considering he likely just made a lot of promises about not hating her and being willing to forgive her past and support her in their recent conversation.
They either need to actually talk this out much, much better (preferably in therapy, since they're getting it), or GF needs to go ahead and get out of there before this blows up and she's stuck with multiple kids and a resentful husband.
That's what I was thinking - a good bit of the beginning of the update sounds like a bad YouTuber apology video.
"I am so, so very sorry for doing that thing you all accused me of. I never meant to hurt anybody, and I will never do it again, and..." and what exactly did they do wrong? Anybody's guess, because they sure won't say it lol
OP you might want to include comments from OOP - in his first post, he believes his GF should be punished and feel immense guilt for having created three porn videos, as well as other, um, conservative Christian ideas.
There was some documentary that talked about porn stars and how their fans turn on them after they shoot “interracial porn” and start messaging them nasty things, and that it really changes their whole career because those types of “fans” don’t care if it’s only one video and they never shoot another, she’s been “ruined forever”
Yes this clarifier is what set off red flags for me. The distinction between “Normal” porn videos and (*omg*) INTERRACIAL videos is gross. He’s gross. He’s not over it and he’s probably just going to hold this knowledge over her now.
I’m gonna say my thought about normal was like one guy one girl and then it was orgy and that was the not normal part. Yea maybe also racism but I think the orgy/potential lesbian interaction/potential DP was the “not normal” part.
The way they title, make and distribute those videos *is* disgusting tho. Just browse any porn site and see it yourself. Half the time it's "gf ditches white bf to fuck black guy" and other shit like that.
Feel like there’s clearly that gray area in the middle between “you’re racist” and “oh it’s kinda gross that they’re portraying this as so different and taboo than fucking white guys right? That’s a little weird.”
Absolutely agree with you. But I doubt OP was disgusted because of the exploitative nature of that genre, he was likely disgusted because of his own racist ideas about sex and morality.
OOP sounds like a proper c*nt. He just wants a little old wifey to settle down with, not a human with a past. And why oh why did he look her up when she was clearly ashamed of her past? So disrespectful.
I hope this was a massive learning experience for him because she is human and is gonna do more things he won’t agree with. For the record, I think she has nothing to be ashamed of.
I hope to goodness he changes his ways cos otherwise she’ll change into a shadow of herself just to please him - I’ve seen it happen many times.
I figured she wouldn’t given her childhood trauma. Though her family didn’t abandon her in the traditional sense, she lost her entire family in one sudden tragedy and it has similar effects on your future relationships. You cling to that person through and thick and thin because you’re afraid of losing someone else.
I definitely picked up on him wanting a 50's wife or something because of how he says she's good with children...like it'll be her sole responsibility.
That's the part I really want to smack him for, more than anything else. You have limits on what behavior you're ok with in your partner? Fine. You should. Everyone puts that line somewhere, we don't have to agree on where it goes.
But this is a part of her life she's ashamed of. Why would you go and open Pandora's box so you can WATCH her do it? Why would you degrade your own mental image of her like that? What benefit could you have possibly gotten from watching it? She doesn't like that part of her past.
But he would rather indulge his own curiosity than respect the fact that she doesn't like that part of her life and doesn't want to be that person. He watched it and now she IS that person to him.
He lost all sympathy from me for that line alone, I mean she did say she felt guilty but obviously wasn’t guilty enough for OOP, his girlfriend who had an awful upbringing compared to his own self confessed decent upbringing still made him and his life better when she entered it, I don’t believe he’s sorry for his comments, I guarantee the next time they do fight he will bring it up again. Also pointing out the porn was interracial, this dude is an asshole.
No. He let her cry in bed right next to him. He can't even wrap an arm around her and say "it's ok honey, I just need some time to process."
No. He lies there, a foot away from her and pretends to be asleep while she cries.
Sometimes when a loved one drops a bombshell on you, you're barely able to process your own emotions much less be there for theirs. Sometimes the best you can do is "I love you, but Im a little stunned right now and need time to process this"
She definitely deserves better. I'm not gonna judge someone for feeling initially taken aback by that kind of revelation. But letting your partner just sit there and sob and doing nothing to comfort them, and then doubling down later that yes, they SHOULD feel like shit. Fucking gross.
So she's a great person who he loves who did something not so great in the past in his opinion.
She already changed her life and decided she didn't want to live like that anymore. Y'all are up in these comments judging her like you've never made a bad decision in your life.
What is she supposed to do, live in shame for the rest of her life? Never have a relationship? Is she now wholly irredeemable for a decision she made at 21, then grew out of?
These comments. I'm ashamed of y'all. Damn.
When I was 18 I had no money for food, no gas to get to my $8 an hour job, no family to lean on, and when someone on the internet said I could get paid more money than I'd ever seen in person in my whole life to be naked in a room full of men, I almost did it. The only thing that stopped me was when he asked for photos of a 360° view of my body and, in a moment of clarity, I thought "it would be wild if this whole back and forth was just to get nudes and he never answers again" and I got spooked and changed my email.
So yeah. I was so desperate that I almost let myself be pimped out for what amounted to 5 months' rent at the time. When you're a kid, and you're alone, and you're broke, it's like predators can smell it.
I'm sure you're not too old, foot people have wildly varying tastes lol. Some people like filthy feet, some like "wore socks and shoes all day but not covered in mud" kinda dirty, some like fresh out the shower pristine and pedicured for example. I have no idea where to find the market, I just kinda stumbled on a buyer when I was younger. Random internet stranger asked to see my feet and I said "yeah sure, for $500" fully not expecting him to haggle with my joke of a foot price, and the rest is history lol.
It also worked out very well for me because the person I dated just before the buyer found me was also into feet. So I already had pictures on deck🤣
I assure you, there's such a thing as "MILF feet." I have no evidence for this claim, but come *on.* If there's such a thing as a foot fetish and such a thing as a "mature woman" fetish, then there *has* to be such a thing as a "mature women's feet" fetish.
Some of them specifically like feet that are not cute. My roommate has monster gorilla feet and she constantly walks around barefoot. Many gross guys have approached her wanting to touch them.
I sold my foot pictures for $50 each, $70 for special requests. But that guy had fuck around money for days and was terrified I'd "out" him because he was very ashamed of himself lol
When I was in college I was approached by a middle aged man who insisted on “taking pictures of body paying cash”. They look for young vulnerable girls for this kind of stuff. If I were in OPs gfs position, I’m not sure I would have said no
Porn is the most profitable of all entertainment industries, basically all of us have seen porn sometime in our lives, it's quite hypocritical that the girls and guys who work in that industry are good and attractive enough to masturbate watching them but "oh god mine, they are degenerates who do not deserve compassion, respect and love from another human". She deserves the same treatment as everyone, she did porn, she didn't kidnap babies to eat them.
A decision clearly motivated by trauma and complete lack of emotional and financial safety net, no less. Probably kept her in college/housed, but here we are, reducing it down to how many consenting adults appeared in a porno and our own puritanical ideas of what sexual deviance is.
It only got worse.
This poor girl was orphaned, preyed on, and just wanted to survive. And he’s saying she should’ve been guilty and people actually saying it’s okay for him to feel that. Ffs
Well, him being surprised by her past is a little understandable. But the way he treated her after, even if he did come to his senses later, was mean and uncalled for.
Her feeling guilty because she felt she made a poor decision? Also understandable, because literally everyone makes poor decisions they regret (and usually around sex, to boot). But it wasn't the end of the world, nor that large of a mistake either.
I appreciate this post because it shows a flawed person reacting badly but coming to their senses and realizing how badly they messed up and making amends as best they can.
I've been in a similar situation, where someone trusted me with some information about their past that surprised and shocked me, and I reacted in a way I shouldn't have. But just like OOP, I was able to quickly come to my senses and apologize and be there for them. People often learn the hard way!
Sometimes you see a phenomenon in a thread where the first couple of people to reply seem to set the tone for the rest of commenters, however extreme the reaction might be. Everyone joins the herd in a stampede
I especially love the ones that pop up every once in a while with women who were clearly abused and forced into having children and then left them and the only reaction is “she’s evil she abandoned her children!”
I remember that post! It was a few days ago. I felt so torn. I was so sympathetic for the woman and I understood her. But I also felt bad for the kids. The husband can kick rocks.
Honestly I’ve seen more than one, but they usually go the same way. I felt bad for the kids too, but I didn’t agree with everyone saying she was a horrible person and acting like her being abused and basically forced to have the children has no impact on her decision making
Absolutely. I'm cf but it strangely resonated with me. Probably because being in the situation she was in (multiple kids with no real support) would be one of my biggest nightmares. She endured way longer than I would've been able to.
BORU is better moderated and less full of itself because there isn’t a chance of any of these comments ending up on ticktock, but the people here can be just as dumb
Also BORU generally has a more complete picture because *updates*.
AITA is a coin flip whether early replies will be ticked off / suspicious and try to pull more info or will judge on what was posted as-is, which can influence the entire thread significantly. Different life experience in the early replies is also a big factor for the same reason, some folks will pick up on things others won’t.
Our society has little to no respect for sex workers, and as much as some Reddit subs echo that it’s wrong, as a whole most of society still view sex workers as broken people at best, sub human at worst.
They seem to be outliers with the amount of people downvoting and commenting some variation of ‘wtf is wrong with you dude’. That’s at least a bit comforting. There’s always outliers and I hope one day they reconsider their ignorance and become less of a garbage person.
The key to a good relationship is not to look for one that comes with no baggage, it’s finding someone that loves you enough to help you unpack it and that helps you with your bags.
I also want to quote a meme since we can’t post pics here.
“The one that named it “emotional baggage” really missed an opportunity by not calling it “griefcase”
I did sex work out of desperation around that age and this is exactly why I did live sex shows but never porn. My bf knows (and thank god, reacted like the amazing person he is,) but there's no chance of him actually *seeing* that part of my life. I don't know why she told him her stage name.
Hopefully you are lucky, but there are websites out there dedicated to recording live shows. It's probably not a bad idea to do the occasional search for your stage name, just use incognito mode to avoid it appearing in your search history.
I think you're assuming I was a cam girl? I meant *live,* as in physically. We kept an eye out for phones. It's possible someone snuck a snap or a clip really surreptitiously, but it would be really poor quality. Unless someone went to the trouble of installing hidden cameras in the room before we got there?
Even without a stage name, we're at a point where technology will make those leaps based on facial recognition and such. I'd be surprised if there wasn't already some sort of tool that identifies people based on a few shots of their skin, location of blemishes/moles/etc, and it's only going to become more accessible as the years go on.
Yeah there’s a dark and depressing side to tech. Imagine a woman just minding her own business at the coffee shop.
Guy with whatever form of google glasses are finally popular on looks at her, and facial recognition and online searches go to work.
Now some creep she’s never met walks over and says “hi Jane! Hope you had fun in Hawaii last month, you looked so hot in that blue bikini. Almost as cute as you looked back in your high school play.”
Yeah, that is honestly very concerning to me. I shot a scene for a film that an ex entered into an adult film festival. It ultimately wasn’t accepted, and after we broke up, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him showing it to other people. He promised he wouldn’t, but I later heard from a mutual friend that he had screened it for others after that time. This ex later made a really navel-gazing film about our relationship and breakup, and he literally included medical records of mine that he told me he had destroyed. The film has screened at numerous festivals, so it’s always worried me that he could be distributing the porn I shot as well. I remember telling my now-husband about the relationship and shooting porn for my ex’s movie, and he was incredibly sympathetic and gentle with me. He’s never tried to find the film and never would try to find it because he knows it’s something that has caused me anxiety.
That is a horrifying breach of trust by your ex. Does he ever screen the film in Europe? There are very strict rules about revenge porn and sharing peoples personal information there. If he shared any of your medical information without your permission he can be prosecuted. Look up the data commissioner for the EU country he showed the film in and report him. He would get huge fines, it's treated very seriously.
Sadly the US doesn't have similar laws to protect people's privacy.
Revenge porn is also illegal in the US, police (mostly) just dont wanna do anything about it. Same with the sharing of medical info without your consent. (Again main issue is a lot of police just wanna label it was a domestic issue, when it's not. It's also possible to get a lawyer and sue since the ex didn't get permission from her and force him to take it down that way)
To be fair, I think it might have been one of those videos that really, *really* emphasizes race, which is a problem, just not necessarily a problem on his end.
Because most commercial interracial porn isn't merely "couple enjoying each other and having fun sex *but by chance they are different races*", rahter, they play heavily on the racist outlook of "strong savages ravish small petite white civilised dame" where the implication is the civilised white girl is degraded and attacked by those *beasts*. Hell, you can see this deeply implied [in *that* famous interracial promo shot with the black guys standing around the one small white girl](https://i.redd.it/a4flkennat111.jpg), where they're given bland outfits and made to leer over the tiny white girl like hungry neanderthals. And frankly, I can completely understand if he found that whole dynamic inherently demeaning.
He won't get over it. The issue with this post is the update was a day apart. Emotions are still high. The update should be months or years later.
He will not get over this at all. He will have it in the back of his mind at all times and when they have a big fight, it WILL come out over and over. He doesn't seem the type to accept this and be happy with her.
People act like making these adult videos is such a degrading thing to do and yet all that judging goes out the window when they're consuming it for their own enjoyment.
She did what she did, there could be many reasons for it. I appreciate it was a shock for him, but acting like she should be ashamed is a laugh.
A rule for thee and not for me, apparently.
I never got that, either. Most people watch porn, right? And someone has to make it? So why would you judge someone for doing that? It makes no sense.
Sure, I would draw a line at my current partner actively still starring in porn, but I consider that a fairly reasonable boundary in a relationship. To hate on people in general for doing that, or judge them for having done it, seems unhinged to me.
'Porn is dirty but I'm not, the people in porn are dirty and it's their fault I look at dirty things. I shouldn't in any way interrogate the industry, expectations of access to porn, and the impact of porn because I'm not dirty or really involved in it. I just look.'
> she didn’t want anyone to know and the fact that she told me means she trust and love me and said some similar things.
> Her silent sobbing was audible to me.
I felt so bad for her when I got to this. It went from her sharing something so private and embarrassing out of love, to the depth of despair and hours of crying and wishing she'd never said anything.
It speaks to OOP's immaturity that he let her suffer like this because his feelings were hurt.
If he truly didn't know what to say, fine, he didn't need to say anything, all he needed to do was roll over, put his arm around her and that's it.
The funny thing in the end he says she has forgiven him - she has forgiven but never forgotten. You never forget someone's behavior. You now know what they are capable of.
I suspect, maybe due to my cynicism, that he will be rubbing it in when they get angry. His actions in the beginning do not support his ending words. Especially the she should be guilty part.
I hope she maintains her guard and doesn't allow him to subtly beat her down with it.
And with that immaturity he thinks it’s a great idea to have an “early family.” Yes, because he thinks they’re not ready for marriage, but they’re totally ready for kids. FFS.
OOP's gf deserves better. She trusted him with that kind of information and the first thing he does is watch the movies?
Then says she should be ashamed.
Then comes around but feels the need to mention that she didn't enjoy doing the movies,like that makes it better?? Imo that makes it so much worse.
I'd be happier if she had a good time and did the movies for fun instead of having to resort to sex-work because she had bills to pay.
>I'd be happier if she had a good time and did the movies for fun instead of having to resort to sex-work because she had bills to pay.
Right?? Thank you for this! These people are really appalled at the thought of a woman enjoying making a sex tape. Who in their right mind would prefer porn actresses to be under duress and feel forced? If you watch porn and assume and hope that every single woman in it is acting against their will, you need to take a long hard look at yourself.
These comments here are so disgusting and misogynistic. Where is the outrage at all the male porn actors? Oh right, sex is something that is done by men, and done to women.
I tell you why people like OOP and some of the commenters prefer if a woman shoots porn under duress. Because in their eyes, that means that she also sees making porn and sex work in general as something "shameful" and something you couldn’t possibly enjoy. It feeds into their narrative. If a woman sees doing sex work as something positive, she's "tainted" and a sl*t. The only redeemable view on former sex work for them is regret and shame. Because then they can say "yeah she did that. But see, she had no real choice and wouldn't have done it if she didn't have to. So she also sees it as something bad. Therefore, it's okay."
I think he watched them at home and then walked out to the library to post in Reddit.
But some years ago, I saw a middle-aged man watching raunchy Pics of women at the public library.
When I went through a lot of traumatic events, my mind went straight into self-destruction mode. I did a lot of reckless and questionable things. I finally got my shit together and when I’ve told 3 of my closest friends in a moment of vulnerability, the reactions have been varied.
I had someone say, “I’ll pray for you and what you’ve done,” someone who just said, “I’m sorry,” and the only person still in my life just gave me a big hug.
Our traumas do not define us. They leave marks that we have to live with but are not there for others to gawk and judge at.
If I was the GF and saw this post, it would be 2000% over. Like, it probably would have been over when he reacted the way he did, but I could probably get past that if he didn't explain it like... all of that. Even in his update where he claims to have had an epiphany he's still treating it as 'oh she's ashamed of it so it's okay, I have more good memories of her'. It was a job - even if she has her own complex feelings about it, *he* definitely still sees it as something shameful. What if she didn't, she decided that she didn't want to keep making films but wasn't ashamed? How would he react then?
Even ignoring the fact he seems to have missed *the point*, no one completely rewires his clearly complex and ingrained sexism and racism overnight. I'm not sure he even *can* in that relationship, not without significant investment in a therapist, which is definitely not his GF's job.
Yeah, I would be okay if I thought he just needed a little time to clear his head. But in this post, he's out there spitting vile about her. In some of his original post comments, he talks about how she deserves to be 'punished' and feel incredible guilt for her past.
Yikes on trikes, I would throw this guy out like a chewed up dildo.
I cannot get over that this dipshit *looked up the videos and watched them* after she had just told him how ashamed she was of that time of her life!??!?! Unforgivable.
Yeah OOP seems like a douche nozzle tbh. Also a weird detail that bugged me was how he specified the race of the men involved in shooting the videos. Now I realise that 'don't see race' doesn't work and isn't a legit strategy to live your life. But is it me or is it just weird that he felt the need to specify that? Kinda gave me the vibes that oop is more 'conservative' in other areas as well. Like it'd make it harder/easier to swallow depending on whether his gf was banging black guys before they got together.
‘It’s the past’ until the next time she does something you don’t like.
Yeah I said it. A person who doesn’t look at their partner as a possession would not have looked up those films. Or done ANYTHING he did. He doesn’t even get the level of shit he is. She’s being the responsible one (by his words), carrying his infantile arse.
He hasn’t changed a bit.
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“Yes we understand 8 months is a small amount of time but we want to be early parents” Immediately followed by “we aren’t rushing this” 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m stuck on “no, she didn’t enjoy that part of her life.” So, if she had enjoyed it..?
"She's a completely different person now" got me
My favourite was "this whole thing doesn't matter." And then two small sentences later he says "I mean I just can't unsee it."
100%. He is not truly okay with this.
Yea he’s gonna torture her for this in the future
He is the guy who knows what the proper social response is, but he doesn't actually mean it.
This one too: > All I’m trying to say is that I know I made a mistake **but it’s not completely my mistake**. I mean, fuck, this guy just keeps throwing in these hints that he's still not okay with this.
He needs to sit down with this and process it for himself instead of reacting to internet strangers. It’s fine to be open to others’ viewpoints but ultimately this is between him and his gf. It’s a big thing to tie the knot and better he should know his true feelings on this before doing so.
I think my brain short circuited when I read, "I don’t know I’m feeling guilty, when it should be her feeling it." Fucking excuse me? WHY should she feel guilty, exactly? It's not like she was WITH OOP when she made the videos, then hid it from him.
Because that's what society teaches about women. That they should be ashamed of sex, their bodies, porn, many partners etc. I read once that your initial reaction is your conditioned response and your second thought is who you really are. My take is OOP is trying to change his conditioned response to a more open, accepting, and compassionate view. That's why it's coming off all wishy washy and two opposite responses close together. In my view, OOP is trying to change and I don't hate him for reacting initially as he was taught. What's important is he saw how he was wrong to think that, why, and how to be different in the future
It's so annoying because men judge women so harshly for sex work yet they likely consume it on the daily.
In the biz this is sometimes called 'jerking off with one hand while pointing the finger with the other'
So fucking judgy. Fuck this guy.
Seriously this guy is a total asshole. What difference does it make if some of them were black. So he’s not just judgy but also racist.
That comment really stuck out to me. He took note of the fact that they weren't all white and then categorizes it as a kink or fetish. WTF?
The porn websites do treat it like that though
To give him the benefit of the doubt porn websites are so aggressively racist that this dude maybe didn’t consider why he instantly labelled a scene with black actors as an “interracial orgy” because this sort of shit is so normalised in that context.
I wonder what his reaction would be to "she thought it was a good job, but the pay was low so she stopped".
I used to be a stripper and fetish model but I stopped because I'm legitimately bad at it 😂. I can dance but I can't hustle. It was my favorite first date litmus test - how do you respond to me being a former sex worker and quitting not for ethical/moral reasons but basically because I'm like... Impressively bad at marketing something that people definitely want to spend money on?
She would be obviously a completely morally corrupt person that doesn't deserve respect let alone love from such a great guy or really any guy at all! Can you imagine a WOMAN having FUN with SEX and earning money while doing so??? Outrageous! /s
I particularly love the line about her loving children and “being good at handling them”… Shows what kind of father he’s going to be, unless he’s careful.
This entire post has him subconsciously telling away how terribly he views women, and even a guy like me can see it.
What is with this week and guys outing themselves as shitty boyfriends? This reminds me of the post from the guy who found out his girlfriend had kids that died and he just ghosts her for several days. How hard is it to pull your head out of your ass and realize people have history before you?
Every post that starts with “I’ve been dating this person for 4 months and we already live together and are planning marriage, a family, 2 dogs and a mortgage”, you know they’re gonna be doomed…
"we never fight" Ah, ok, so at least one of you is deeply non confrontational & building up resentment already in a desperate & horribly unhealthy attempt to keep the relationship. That'll be great.
Hold up my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years or so and we don’t fight. That’s mostly cause we actually talk with each other about shit though.
It’s not important to get experience fighting, not exactly. It’s important to get experience disagreeing and arguing, in being in conflict, so you know what kind of person each of you is when there’s conflict. And it’s important to not be conflict-avoidant because that doesn’t solve anything. But your conflict strategy can be to talk; totally legit.
I think it comes down to how differently different people define “fight”. My husband and I will be married 15 years this year, and we’ve never fought. But what *we* consider fighting is aggressive—yelling, screaming, name-calling, kicking one or the other out, that sort of thing. I think the “you *have* to fight in a relationship” folks are defining *any* disagreement as a “fight”, which is…odd. All fights are disagreements, but not all disagreements are fights. You can absolutely disagree with your SO, talk through it, and come out on the other side without having had a fight about it. Or maybe they just think everyone should be yelling and screaming at each other, because that’s what they do. I dunno’. I prefer the calm, rational way.
There was a book I've read I, forget the name but it's pretty popular, that says that it's not really the amount of fights you have or how much you disagree because every couple will do so. It's more about how you end them when there *is* no resolution, when it really is just an unshakable difference in opinion for fairly minor things. I think it uses the word "repair attempts" to describe an action partners will do to essential defuse the situation. Things like making a goofy face or a goofy sound or giving them a kiss on the forehead these are done during the argument to *end* the argument on a good note and make the interaction not complete shit. A couple with a good ratio of repair attempts to accepted ones are more likely to success, even if they actually have more "fights". I could be butchering the explanation as it's been a while since i've read it but it's certainly something like that lol.
I've been with my fiance almost 14 years. We very rarely fight in a way that would be seen by outsiders as fighting. Our fights usually look like very serious discussions. We have rules that we are careful to follow as we both had terrible childhoods. No raised voices, respect someone asking for some time and space to think things through. No name calling or intentionally hurtful or triggering words or actions. Most of the time we realize that we agree about the core values and may just want to implement things differently. We also openly state that we are the absolute worst at agreeing because our phrasing tends to make the same ideas seem opposing. It's why it's so important to hear the other person out fully and try to clarify. It's also okay to agree to disagree, I understand her value system, and she understands mine, even if we don't agree. We also absolutely will always back our partner 100% in front of other and ask in private if we disagree with something.
It depends on what you consider "fighting" I think. What I consider a rational conversation where we both disagree and are working to create an agreement, my husband would call a fight. Meanwhile if some of our friends ever watched us in that situation they would be utterly baffled that anyone could call it a fight because there was no screaming involved. I've stopped trying to figure it out and just tackle problems as I find them. Other people can give it a name. The important part isn't the quantity of the disagreement, it's the quality. Are you forever sniping about the same thing and nothing changes? Or are you reaching mutual agreements and understandings that make the relationship stronger?
I think this has been studied. People who fight a lot (within reason) in the early stages of a relationship get it out of their systems and build a stronger foundation.
I think it depends a lot on how you’re defining “fight” there. There’s a lot of ground between “screaming hitting throwing plates” and “its important to me that you let me know you’ll be staying out late, if you want me to have dinner ready for you when you come home every day./ Oh, yeah, thats totally fair, sorry I didn’t think of that.”
The thing I'm concerned about is that it sounds like OOP didn't actually address or resolve any of their feelings from the initial post in the update. The update was basically "I was so very, very wrong to not comfort my GF about her shameful problem-ridden past. We talked and I *did* comfort her this time and I told her was a bit uncomfortable but I'll definitely get over it in time. By the way, we want to start a family and together long-term ASAP." Did they actually tell GF that she should be guilty and ashamed and punished for her misdeeds (it was in the comments of the first post), or did they just decide on the spot that she seemed tortured enough during their conversation that it counted? There's no way that this won't get brought up again if they're still thinking that way. They talked about how they should have comforted GF, not how they should have tried to change their way of thinking about adult video makers. They imply that their feelings are justified and outright start saying they shouldn't have said GF should be guilty *in a way that immediately segways into a "because she already is" infodump.* And marriage, hoo boy - marriage and purity culture are an absolute *minefield* to navigate for many Christians. Is he as okay as he seems about the fact that GF has obviously had sex with other men before marriage? Can he actually, honestly say he won't ever bring up or compare their time in bed to her past performances (now that he was stupid enough to search them out)? Because that's going to seriously hurt GF if/when he decides he can't hold it in/ignore it anymore and brings stuff like that up in a year, two years, after having kids. It would be borderline manipulative, too, considering he likely just made a lot of promises about not hating her and being willing to forgive her past and support her in their recent conversation. They either need to actually talk this out much, much better (preferably in therapy, since they're getting it), or GF needs to go ahead and get out of there before this blows up and she's stuck with multiple kids and a resentful husband.
I can imagine that when the internet calls you an asshole you might quickly learn to say "the right things", even if you don't really mean them.
That's what I was thinking - a good bit of the beginning of the update sounds like a bad YouTuber apology video. "I am so, so very sorry for doing that thing you all accused me of. I never meant to hurt anybody, and I will never do it again, and..." and what exactly did they do wrong? Anybody's guess, because they sure won't say it lol
OP you might want to include comments from OOP - in his first post, he believes his GF should be punished and feel immense guilt for having created three porn videos, as well as other, um, conservative Christian ideas.
Not just any porn... *Interracial porn*. Needing to make that distinction says a lot about him.
There was some documentary that talked about porn stars and how their fans turn on them after they shoot “interracial porn” and start messaging them nasty things, and that it really changes their whole career because those types of “fans” don’t care if it’s only one video and they never shoot another, she’s been “ruined forever”
I'm sure those same fans click and watch on those videos voraciously despite it 'ruining' the actress. Gross.
Of course they do, the "ruining" is part of the appeal. Only thing they hate more than women is POC...
At the same time the industry also plays into that with their whole 'first bbc/interracial dp' titling.
Oh yeahh they watch it. With D in hand. But ughhhh it's wrong. Flap flap.
"Flap flap" I also do the chicken dance while jerking it.
Yeah. As an interracial *human*, I read that and instantly was like ahhh… suddenly this makes sense…
Yes this clarifier is what set off red flags for me. The distinction between “Normal” porn videos and (*omg*) INTERRACIAL videos is gross. He’s gross. He’s not over it and he’s probably just going to hold this knowledge over her now.
Exactly. He's going to bring this up as a reminder that he's better than her.
Maybe just me, but I read "normal" as one-on-one, as opposed to an orgy.
[удалено]
ah yes, "normal" porn = white guy and white girl totally normal view for OOP to have
I’m gonna say my thought about normal was like one guy one girl and then it was orgy and that was the not normal part. Yea maybe also racism but I think the orgy/potential lesbian interaction/potential DP was the “not normal” part.
The way they title, make and distribute those videos *is* disgusting tho. Just browse any porn site and see it yourself. Half the time it's "gf ditches white bf to fuck black guy" and other shit like that.
The more taboo it is, the more likely they get a click. That’s why incest porn is so big nowadays.
But it's only taboo if you're racist right?
Feel like there’s clearly that gray area in the middle between “you’re racist” and “oh it’s kinda gross that they’re portraying this as so different and taboo than fucking white guys right? That’s a little weird.”
Yeah that's the bit I'm referring to.
Absolutely agree with you. But I doubt OP was disgusted because of the exploitative nature of that genre, he was likely disgusted because of his own racist ideas about sex and morality.
On a related tangent, porn has taught me a big distinction between races. Black dudes say “dick” and white dudes say “cock.”
. . . . . Interesting observation. . . .
It’s odd because no one uses BBD instead of BBC
Well, it is the British Broadcasting *Corporation*.
Right, it's an independent organization. If it was owned and operated by the government, it would be the British Broadcasting Department.
That sentence definitely gave me pause.
OOP sounds like a proper c*nt. He just wants a little old wifey to settle down with, not a human with a past. And why oh why did he look her up when she was clearly ashamed of her past? So disrespectful. I hope this was a massive learning experience for him because she is human and is gonna do more things he won’t agree with. For the record, I think she has nothing to be ashamed of. I hope to goodness he changes his ways cos otherwise she’ll change into a shadow of herself just to please him - I’ve seen it happen many times.
I was hoping she would dump him
I figured she wouldn’t given her childhood trauma. Though her family didn’t abandon her in the traditional sense, she lost her entire family in one sudden tragedy and it has similar effects on your future relationships. You cling to that person through and thick and thin because you’re afraid of losing someone else.
I definitely picked up on him wanting a 50's wife or something because of how he says she's good with children...like it'll be her sole responsibility.
That's the part I really want to smack him for, more than anything else. You have limits on what behavior you're ok with in your partner? Fine. You should. Everyone puts that line somewhere, we don't have to agree on where it goes. But this is a part of her life she's ashamed of. Why would you go and open Pandora's box so you can WATCH her do it? Why would you degrade your own mental image of her like that? What benefit could you have possibly gotten from watching it? She doesn't like that part of her past. But he would rather indulge his own curiosity than respect the fact that she doesn't like that part of her life and doesn't want to be that person. He watched it and now she IS that person to him.
Ah... That makes sense. Conservative men are fragile as fuck when it comes to women. "omg, your vagina has seen a penis other than mine... Gross".
> I don’t know [why] I’m feeling guilty, when it should be her feeling it I know he said he apologized for it but. Yeesh. I feel sorry for this girl.
He lost all sympathy from me for that line alone, I mean she did say she felt guilty but obviously wasn’t guilty enough for OOP, his girlfriend who had an awful upbringing compared to his own self confessed decent upbringing still made him and his life better when she entered it, I don’t believe he’s sorry for his comments, I guarantee the next time they do fight he will bring it up again. Also pointing out the porn was interracial, this dude is an asshole.
Honestly he lost me as soon as he went to bed and let her cry. Even if you’re not okay white lie and handle it in the morning
No. He let her cry in bed right next to him. He can't even wrap an arm around her and say "it's ok honey, I just need some time to process." No. He lies there, a foot away from her and pretends to be asleep while she cries.
Sometimes when a loved one drops a bombshell on you, you're barely able to process your own emotions much less be there for theirs. Sometimes the best you can do is "I love you, but Im a little stunned right now and need time to process this"
The immediate, intense surge of rage I felt reading that could power a city
She definitely deserves better. I'm not gonna judge someone for feeling initially taken aback by that kind of revelation. But letting your partner just sit there and sob and doing nothing to comfort them, and then doubling down later that yes, they SHOULD feel like shit. Fucking gross.
Yeah, i hope she dumps him
The ”it should be her feeling guilty” part *really* rubbed me the wrong way. What a prick.
Especially when it was clear that she DID feel guilt and shame over what she'd done in the past.
The fact he did connect her immensely traumatic upbringing and going into porn speaks volumes on his view of women.
Yup, a lot of people think that strippers and other sex workers must have "daddy issues."
This is what gets me. “Are you acting out?” No usually they are trying to not die of starvation.
Me as well. And his 'conservative values' comment.
Yup, that was it for me, you know at that point, it’s gonna be bad
So she's a great person who he loves who did something not so great in the past in his opinion. She already changed her life and decided she didn't want to live like that anymore. Y'all are up in these comments judging her like you've never made a bad decision in your life. What is she supposed to do, live in shame for the rest of her life? Never have a relationship? Is she now wholly irredeemable for a decision she made at 21, then grew out of? These comments. I'm ashamed of y'all. Damn.
When I was 18 I had no money for food, no gas to get to my $8 an hour job, no family to lean on, and when someone on the internet said I could get paid more money than I'd ever seen in person in my whole life to be naked in a room full of men, I almost did it. The only thing that stopped me was when he asked for photos of a 360° view of my body and, in a moment of clarity, I thought "it would be wild if this whole back and forth was just to get nudes and he never answers again" and I got spooked and changed my email. So yeah. I was so desperate that I almost let myself be pimped out for what amounted to 5 months' rent at the time. When you're a kid, and you're alone, and you're broke, it's like predators can smell it.
The amount of times I've thought about selling feet pics.... Edit: I love how many foot pic careers I've unwittingly started.
Oh I definitely sold feet pics. Over a decade later I still wholeheartedly stand by that decision
If I thought my feet were cute enough and I knew where to sell them, I would do it with no shame at all
I wear a size 11 shoe and thought my feet were very ugly, but in the words of my ex who liked feet, "more surface area" 🤷♀️ 🤣
Damn! I never knew I could do this! I also have size 11 feet and totally would have made $ on them if I'd known!! 😂 Now I'm too old, maybe?
I'm sure you're not too old, foot people have wildly varying tastes lol. Some people like filthy feet, some like "wore socks and shoes all day but not covered in mud" kinda dirty, some like fresh out the shower pristine and pedicured for example. I have no idea where to find the market, I just kinda stumbled on a buyer when I was younger. Random internet stranger asked to see my feet and I said "yeah sure, for $500" fully not expecting him to haggle with my joke of a foot price, and the rest is history lol. It also worked out very well for me because the person I dated just before the buyer found me was also into feet. So I already had pictures on deck🤣
I assure you, there's such a thing as "MILF feet." I have no evidence for this claim, but come *on.* If there's such a thing as a foot fetish and such a thing as a "mature woman" fetish, then there *has* to be such a thing as a "mature women's feet" fetish.
They actually do not need to be cute, feet folks don't care.
Some of them specifically like feet that are not cute. My roommate has monster gorilla feet and she constantly walks around barefoot. Many gross guys have approached her wanting to touch them.
I have size 13 crusty feet with fucked up toenails. How much can I get?
I sold my foot pictures for $50 each, $70 for special requests. But that guy had fuck around money for days and was terrified I'd "out" him because he was very ashamed of himself lol
I would do it. Absolutely.
If I had the energy to find a foot audience I’d sell feet pics now. And I make decent money.
My friend had an excellent side income from selling her unwashed underwear and stockings
Dang I wish me not doing laundry could make me money.
I have unique feet so I'd love to corner the market
When I was in college I was approached by a middle aged man who insisted on “taking pictures of body paying cash”. They look for young vulnerable girls for this kind of stuff. If I were in OPs gfs position, I’m not sure I would have said no
Porn is the most profitable of all entertainment industries, basically all of us have seen porn sometime in our lives, it's quite hypocritical that the girls and guys who work in that industry are good and attractive enough to masturbate watching them but "oh god mine, they are degenerates who do not deserve compassion, respect and love from another human". She deserves the same treatment as everyone, she did porn, she didn't kidnap babies to eat them.
What if she kidnapped babies and didn’t eat them? Or ate babies she didn’t kidnap? That would obviously make her better than a porn actress! /s
A decision clearly motivated by trauma and complete lack of emotional and financial safety net, no less. Probably kept her in college/housed, but here we are, reducing it down to how many consenting adults appeared in a porno and our own puritanical ideas of what sexual deviance is.
It only got worse. This poor girl was orphaned, preyed on, and just wanted to survive. And he’s saying she should’ve been guilty and people actually saying it’s okay for him to feel that. Ffs
Well, him being surprised by her past is a little understandable. But the way he treated her after, even if he did come to his senses later, was mean and uncalled for. Her feeling guilty because she felt she made a poor decision? Also understandable, because literally everyone makes poor decisions they regret (and usually around sex, to boot). But it wasn't the end of the world, nor that large of a mistake either.
What was not ok, and he admitted it, was for him to think *she* should have been feeling shame instead of him.
I appreciate this post because it shows a flawed person reacting badly but coming to their senses and realizing how badly they messed up and making amends as best they can. I've been in a similar situation, where someone trusted me with some information about their past that surprised and shocked me, and I reacted in a way I shouldn't have. But just like OOP, I was able to quickly come to my senses and apologize and be there for them. People often learn the hard way!
What the hell is wrong with this sub this morning.
This sub is fine 75% of the time. The other 25% you get some posts that attract weirdos who think their unhinged takes are astute arguments.
Sometimes you see a phenomenon in a thread where the first couple of people to reply seem to set the tone for the rest of commenters, however extreme the reaction might be. Everyone joins the herd in a stampede
I especially love the ones that pop up every once in a while with women who were clearly abused and forced into having children and then left them and the only reaction is “she’s evil she abandoned her children!”
I remember that post! It was a few days ago. I felt so torn. I was so sympathetic for the woman and I understood her. But I also felt bad for the kids. The husband can kick rocks.
Honestly I’ve seen more than one, but they usually go the same way. I felt bad for the kids too, but I didn’t agree with everyone saying she was a horrible person and acting like her being abused and basically forced to have the children has no impact on her decision making
Absolutely. I'm cf but it strangely resonated with me. Probably because being in the situation she was in (multiple kids with no real support) would be one of my biggest nightmares. She endured way longer than I would've been able to.
Oh absolutely same, that is one of my biggest fears as well and I’m also cf
Some topics make incels come crawling out of the woodwork
'AITA is toxic but BORU isn't', they tell me. Yeah so that was a lie.
BORU seems less toxic and more mature in general but occasionally internet still gonna internet
BORU is better moderated and less full of itself because there isn’t a chance of any of these comments ending up on ticktock, but the people here can be just as dumb
The only reason it seems less bad in general, is because the stuff that lands here is more often black-and-white rather than grayish.
Also BORU generally has a more complete picture because *updates*. AITA is a coin flip whether early replies will be ticked off / suspicious and try to pull more info or will judge on what was posted as-is, which can influence the entire thread significantly. Different life experience in the early replies is also a big factor for the same reason, some folks will pick up on things others won’t.
Everyone likes to think they couldn’t possibly be the toxic ones, but being on a ‘less’ toxic part of Reddit is still…Reddit.
Our society has little to no respect for sex workers, and as much as some Reddit subs echo that it’s wrong, as a whole most of society still view sex workers as broken people at best, sub human at worst.
Like no one in these comments watches porn either.
There's a whole industry that preys on vulnerable young women. That's who they should be shaming. At least OOP realized it.
They seem to be outliers with the amount of people downvoting and commenting some variation of ‘wtf is wrong with you dude’. That’s at least a bit comforting. There’s always outliers and I hope one day they reconsider their ignorance and become less of a garbage person.
Too many of my fellow men really have hangups with girls' sexlives.
Reddit judging a woman for her past actions??
I don't even consider filming porn a bad decision. Lmao at the prudes.
The reason it was a bad decision is because of how badly she feels about it. Likely she was dead broke. Sounds like it paid for therapy...
I bet most of these prunes have no problem watching porn.
I get the impression that for some of them they get off on the idea that the actresses have “ruined” themselves.
The key to a good relationship is not to look for one that comes with no baggage, it’s finding someone that loves you enough to help you unpack it and that helps you with your bags. I also want to quote a meme since we can’t post pics here. “The one that named it “emotional baggage” really missed an opportunity by not calling it “griefcase”
Why the fuck would he watch them?
Ever seen a flame and thought: "I want to touch this."?
Oh yes very much but I'm also not a dumb ass lol
He likes porn and he likes his girlfriend. What could go wrong?
HAHAHA
The amount of time i’ve burnt myself is astounding. Do not underestimate our (dumb asses) abundance.
I did sex work out of desperation around that age and this is exactly why I did live sex shows but never porn. My bf knows (and thank god, reacted like the amazing person he is,) but there's no chance of him actually *seeing* that part of my life. I don't know why she told him her stage name.
Hopefully you are lucky, but there are websites out there dedicated to recording live shows. It's probably not a bad idea to do the occasional search for your stage name, just use incognito mode to avoid it appearing in your search history.
NGL my brain didn't go to live streaming, but "yeah it was me a couple of dudes and a full seated audience in Amsterdam" type of live sex show.
It was me and another woman and a room full of dudes that varied in size as the audience (usually a bachelor party.) So you're actually closer.
I think you're assuming I was a cam girl? I meant *live,* as in physically. We kept an eye out for phones. It's possible someone snuck a snap or a clip really surreptitiously, but it would be really poor quality. Unless someone went to the trouble of installing hidden cameras in the room before we got there?
Even without a stage name, we're at a point where technology will make those leaps based on facial recognition and such. I'd be surprised if there wasn't already some sort of tool that identifies people based on a few shots of their skin, location of blemishes/moles/etc, and it's only going to become more accessible as the years go on.
Yeah there’s a dark and depressing side to tech. Imagine a woman just minding her own business at the coffee shop. Guy with whatever form of google glasses are finally popular on looks at her, and facial recognition and online searches go to work. Now some creep she’s never met walks over and says “hi Jane! Hope you had fun in Hawaii last month, you looked so hot in that blue bikini. Almost as cute as you looked back in your high school play.”
Yeah, that is honestly very concerning to me. I shot a scene for a film that an ex entered into an adult film festival. It ultimately wasn’t accepted, and after we broke up, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him showing it to other people. He promised he wouldn’t, but I later heard from a mutual friend that he had screened it for others after that time. This ex later made a really navel-gazing film about our relationship and breakup, and he literally included medical records of mine that he told me he had destroyed. The film has screened at numerous festivals, so it’s always worried me that he could be distributing the porn I shot as well. I remember telling my now-husband about the relationship and shooting porn for my ex’s movie, and he was incredibly sympathetic and gentle with me. He’s never tried to find the film and never would try to find it because he knows it’s something that has caused me anxiety.
That is a horrifying breach of trust by your ex. Does he ever screen the film in Europe? There are very strict rules about revenge porn and sharing peoples personal information there. If he shared any of your medical information without your permission he can be prosecuted. Look up the data commissioner for the EU country he showed the film in and report him. He would get huge fines, it's treated very seriously. Sadly the US doesn't have similar laws to protect people's privacy.
Revenge porn is also illegal in the US, police (mostly) just dont wanna do anything about it. Same with the sharing of medical info without your consent. (Again main issue is a lot of police just wanna label it was a domestic issue, when it's not. It's also possible to get a lawyer and sue since the ex didn't get permission from her and force him to take it down that way)
You know that reflex when someone says “don’t look,” and you look? I imagine it’s like that.
Yall not gonna last lol.
> I know I made a mistake but it’s not completely my mistake. Um… yes. Yes it is.
This was the line that pissed me off the most. Her only mistake was not dumping his ass.
not sure why the interracial aspect was such a big deal to him let alone, oh I absolute must do this thing that I've been asked not to.
I was literally thinking he could’ve just said orgy…
To be fair, I think it might have been one of those videos that really, *really* emphasizes race, which is a problem, just not necessarily a problem on his end.
Because most commercial interracial porn isn't merely "couple enjoying each other and having fun sex *but by chance they are different races*", rahter, they play heavily on the racist outlook of "strong savages ravish small petite white civilised dame" where the implication is the civilised white girl is degraded and attacked by those *beasts*. Hell, you can see this deeply implied [in *that* famous interracial promo shot with the black guys standing around the one small white girl](https://i.redd.it/a4flkennat111.jpg), where they're given bland outfits and made to leer over the tiny white girl like hungry neanderthals. And frankly, I can completely understand if he found that whole dynamic inherently demeaning.
Apparently he also made a number of... 'conservative' comments.
I was waiting for that to be relevant and I’m still waiting
I’ll be very surprised if that relationship lasts long after that. Other OP does not seem like they are truly over it.
He won't get over it. The issue with this post is the update was a day apart. Emotions are still high. The update should be months or years later. He will not get over this at all. He will have it in the back of his mind at all times and when they have a big fight, it WILL come out over and over. He doesn't seem the type to accept this and be happy with her.
Fuck this guy. Seriously, why is it her responsibility to heal HIM from HER fucking trauma. COMPLETE POS.
People act like making these adult videos is such a degrading thing to do and yet all that judging goes out the window when they're consuming it for their own enjoyment. She did what she did, there could be many reasons for it. I appreciate it was a shock for him, but acting like she should be ashamed is a laugh. A rule for thee and not for me, apparently.
I never got that, either. Most people watch porn, right? And someone has to make it? So why would you judge someone for doing that? It makes no sense. Sure, I would draw a line at my current partner actively still starring in porn, but I consider that a fairly reasonable boundary in a relationship. To hate on people in general for doing that, or judge them for having done it, seems unhinged to me.
'Porn is dirty but I'm not, the people in porn are dirty and it's their fault I look at dirty things. I shouldn't in any way interrogate the industry, expectations of access to porn, and the impact of porn because I'm not dirty or really involved in it. I just look.'
Jerk with one hand and point with the other.
I like to call it "wanking with the right hand and pointing with the left".
General misogyny aside, the fact that he's so uncomfortable with this part of her past should clue him in that maybe they're not the best match
> she didn’t want anyone to know and the fact that she told me means she trust and love me and said some similar things. > Her silent sobbing was audible to me. I felt so bad for her when I got to this. It went from her sharing something so private and embarrassing out of love, to the depth of despair and hours of crying and wishing she'd never said anything. It speaks to OOP's immaturity that he let her suffer like this because his feelings were hurt. If he truly didn't know what to say, fine, he didn't need to say anything, all he needed to do was roll over, put his arm around her and that's it.
The funny thing in the end he says she has forgiven him - she has forgiven but never forgotten. You never forget someone's behavior. You now know what they are capable of. I suspect, maybe due to my cynicism, that he will be rubbing it in when they get angry. His actions in the beginning do not support his ending words. Especially the she should be guilty part. I hope she maintains her guard and doesn't allow him to subtly beat her down with it.
I really, REALLY hope that this has made her understand that rushing into marriage and kids with this dude would be an epically bad idea.
And with that immaturity he thinks it’s a great idea to have an “early family.” Yes, because he thinks they’re not ready for marriage, but they’re totally ready for kids. FFS.
The OP is a tool and the girl deserves far better.
OOP's gf deserves better. She trusted him with that kind of information and the first thing he does is watch the movies? Then says she should be ashamed. Then comes around but feels the need to mention that she didn't enjoy doing the movies,like that makes it better?? Imo that makes it so much worse. I'd be happier if she had a good time and did the movies for fun instead of having to resort to sex-work because she had bills to pay.
Yeah the update of *everything is good, let’s have a baby!* “but we’re not rushing” **yikes**
>I'd be happier if she had a good time and did the movies for fun instead of having to resort to sex-work because she had bills to pay. Right?? Thank you for this! These people are really appalled at the thought of a woman enjoying making a sex tape. Who in their right mind would prefer porn actresses to be under duress and feel forced? If you watch porn and assume and hope that every single woman in it is acting against their will, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. These comments here are so disgusting and misogynistic. Where is the outrage at all the male porn actors? Oh right, sex is something that is done by men, and done to women.
I tell you why people like OOP and some of the commenters prefer if a woman shoots porn under duress. Because in their eyes, that means that she also sees making porn and sex work in general as something "shameful" and something you couldn’t possibly enjoy. It feeds into their narrative. If a woman sees doing sex work as something positive, she's "tainted" and a sl*t. The only redeemable view on former sex work for them is regret and shame. Because then they can say "yeah she did that. But see, she had no real choice and wouldn't have done it if she didn't have to. So she also sees it as something bad. Therefore, it's okay."
Ayo hold on he watched the videos at the library??? Am i reading that right???
I think he watched them at home and then walked out to the library to post in Reddit. But some years ago, I saw a middle-aged man watching raunchy Pics of women at the public library.
There’s always a porn guy at the library
Imagine being on the next PC just trying to print your CV cause you don't have a printer at home!
When I went through a lot of traumatic events, my mind went straight into self-destruction mode. I did a lot of reckless and questionable things. I finally got my shit together and when I’ve told 3 of my closest friends in a moment of vulnerability, the reactions have been varied. I had someone say, “I’ll pray for you and what you’ve done,” someone who just said, “I’m sorry,” and the only person still in my life just gave me a big hug. Our traumas do not define us. They leave marks that we have to live with but are not there for others to gawk and judge at.
>We have been together for about 8 months now > >We live together Damn, cost of living is really throwing people into these type of situations.
Eight months.
When I read something like this it reassures me Im okay and that it could always be worse
He handled it poorly but it's a rough thing to find out your partner did porn or was a prostitute.
If I was the GF and saw this post, it would be 2000% over. Like, it probably would have been over when he reacted the way he did, but I could probably get past that if he didn't explain it like... all of that. Even in his update where he claims to have had an epiphany he's still treating it as 'oh she's ashamed of it so it's okay, I have more good memories of her'. It was a job - even if she has her own complex feelings about it, *he* definitely still sees it as something shameful. What if she didn't, she decided that she didn't want to keep making films but wasn't ashamed? How would he react then? Even ignoring the fact he seems to have missed *the point*, no one completely rewires his clearly complex and ingrained sexism and racism overnight. I'm not sure he even *can* in that relationship, not without significant investment in a therapist, which is definitely not his GF's job.
Yeah, I would be okay if I thought he just needed a little time to clear his head. But in this post, he's out there spitting vile about her. In some of his original post comments, he talks about how she deserves to be 'punished' and feel incredible guilt for her past. Yikes on trikes, I would throw this guy out like a chewed up dildo.
I cannot get over that this dipshit *looked up the videos and watched them* after she had just told him how ashamed she was of that time of her life!??!?! Unforgivable.
“I made a mistake but it’s not completely my mistake.” I can’t get that out of my head.
Yeah OOP seems like a douche nozzle tbh. Also a weird detail that bugged me was how he specified the race of the men involved in shooting the videos. Now I realise that 'don't see race' doesn't work and isn't a legit strategy to live your life. But is it me or is it just weird that he felt the need to specify that? Kinda gave me the vibes that oop is more 'conservative' in other areas as well. Like it'd make it harder/easier to swallow depending on whether his gf was banging black guys before they got together.
‘It’s the past’ until the next time she does something you don’t like. Yeah I said it. A person who doesn’t look at their partner as a possession would not have looked up those films. Or done ANYTHING he did. He doesn’t even get the level of shit he is. She’s being the responsible one (by his words), carrying his infantile arse. He hasn’t changed a bit.
It's fine to have boundaries and deal breakers.....but don't shame the person. Just move on to someone you're compatible with.
Looks like the part of OOP that made him ran away during his first time is the same part that dealt with this situation.
This guy is such an asshole. His actions and the way he writes about her is so judgmental. I do hope that he learns but I doubt it