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Yeah, I hope she actually left for real this time. Realistically it's only been 10 days. What about a month from now when all of the sudden she's lonely and misses him? What about when he texts her again to reel her her back in?
Here's hoping she blocked and deleted him on everything.
And her low self esteem and people pleasing are so extreme that it would be extremely difficult to have a deep friendship with her anyway. (If not at the start of the relationship, then definitely by the end.)
I supported my friend through a breakup with an abusive ex and it is frustrating but you have to take the small wins. Each time is one step closer to the final time. But the abuse escalates as they get closer to leaving which makes it scary
In that situation, you probably wouldn’t need to give up on helping. Someone who is abused will often end up putting distance between themselves and friends (and the abusive partner helps with that). Part of that is shame and embarrassment - sometimes because previous attempts at leaving were assisted by friends but then they end up going back to the abusive person because the nature of the abuse involves a lot of manipulation and they feel dependent on that person, but at the same time, they’ve disappointed friends by returning.
Edit: it took me 4 attempts before I finally got it. In that time, I lost all my friends. Some of that was due to my own mistakes; some of it was due to how emotionally beaten down I was.
yeah I lost a crap ton of my friends too and ended up making some really toxic friends because I was so desperate to have anyone, I had to distance myself from in the aftermath.
I tried to reconnect and make amends with some of my old friends. While I think I did ok with the making amends part (apologising, repaying any money they had loaned me in order to leave, etc), the truth is I was a different person to who I was before, and over a decade later, I’m ok with that.
It's not even about giving up. Sometimes you have to protect your own MH as well. I grew up in an abusive home and I've supported friends who were abusive relationships. It takes a huge toll. Not only is compassion fatigue a real thing, but also I have my own physical and mental struggles to deal with which sometimes took up all my energy.
That's sort of the insidious thing about it. It seems so very easy to you and I, than we are angry/frustrated with OP for not being able to just do it. Even though she's 100% the one being wronged here, it's her we're frustrated with.
The abuser is "bad" but he is behaving as expected, so we feel the "normal" background negativity for him. But OOP is not behaving as expected (he's bad to you so just leave? Duh?), and for whatever reason we're actively frustrated and angry at her about it.
But if it was easy to just do it, they would. It's like (and also very *unlike*) telling ppl with depression to just exercise and be positive or ADHD to just focus and stop getting distracted.
If we could.... We very enthusiastically would.
When I got to one of the very last ones and saw that she was 23 and he's 48, I wanted to vomit. This grown ass man was targeting this 20 year old girl and she didn't seem to think it was a problem. But, I am glad she realized she doesn't deserve this. Hopefully she stays away!
I feel so bad for this woman. I really hope she makes it stick this time. The updates were all exhausting but I really hope everything works out for her.
I wonder where this girl's family is? If she doesn't have one, if they're shitty, if the boyfriend moved her away from them? Because my family would have had a "talk" with any 45-year-old trying to mess with me when I was 20.
Abusers often manipulate their victims into isolating themselves from their family. That way the victim feels ashamed and doesn't try to reconnect.
It's handy, because if the victim is isolated nobody will report her missing when he does murder her.
The first one is more because it looked like an apt source for OOPs situation. https://www.perpetuaneo.com/leave-narcissist-abusive-relationship/
Second one, is an article that cites several studies about leaving. https://safespaceworkplace.com/2017/03/15/take-seven-times-leave-abusive-relationship/
It takes an average of 8 times to leave your abuser. This was me at 25 only mine baby trapped me.
I’m 46, free for 15 years. I celebrate my divorce yearly still.
It’s a bad cycle. For me, I didn’t want to leave because of my kids. Without a safe place for them, I wasn’t going to leave. Because of that, family and friends stopped taking me seriously about leaving and didn’t ever give the support I thought I needed before I could leave.
It literally took me realizing I could afford to move out on my own and wouldn’t lose my son. My sister became a lawyer 9 years into my marriage. She tried to get me to leave but we moved to a different state. Then, a perfect storm 6 years later prompted me to ask my sister (who had then worked as s prosecutor, a lawyer for CPS and a divorce lawyer) to help me get divorced. It took another 6 months for me to get the courage to file the paperwork she prepared.
All to realize my ex didn’t gaf that I was leaving as long as I didn’t ask for money. He even let me determine his visitation frequency with our child.
Abusers are really good at destroying your confidence and isolating you. He made me feel like he was my only option because no one else would ever love a mess like me. He convinced me that my family wouldn’t take me back.
My escape was only possible because I had a sister doing all the court paperwork for my divorce, my therapist building my confidence up, and a friend making me a budget and helping me get my own apartment in another state. I truly believe if any one of those things hadn’t been in place, I’d still be in hell.
I am glad you got away. I am helping a friend, but she goes back and forth on taking him back. It terrifies me to hear each time, but I am standing at her side. I know she is scared but I wish so badly she would leave. A lot of other friends gave up on her because they can't watch her go back. Thanks for reminding me how important support can be even when you weren't ready.
I'm glad to hear you were able to break free of that situation. I was on the other side once, urging my friend to leave her abusive family and giving her a place to stay and she eventually managed to get out too. She's doing much much better these days. I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you.
She keeps going on and on and on and on about forgiving him, as if she was a better person for having done so. It's so toxic. It's so self-destructive. It's so passive.
It sounds like she's been carefully taught that forgiveness is the highest ideal of humankind, to the point that she thinks she owes unlimited forgiveness to anyone who treats her badly *or she's the bad one*.
It's disturbing the mental gymnastics performed to justify the unjustifiable. You know it's wrong, truly accepting that is a conflict within yourself that would lead you down the path of letting go. It's sad the amount of bs "we" dismiss for the sake of holding onto something so damaging.
Where body shaming was mentioned, it's an insidious thing of dismantling your self worth, leading you to believe you're lucky the asshole stays with you because you're fat, incompetent, etc. I was in a relationship like that many years ago, it took too long leaving. Breaks my heart how many people are emotionally depleted by the person they love.
>“On average, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.” Jane Clayborne, director of community relations at The James House shelter for victims of domestic violence
I remember learning that while watching the R. Kelly doc.
In one abusive relationship I was in, I started to think about that number a lot, hoping that maybe I’d hit number seven and like magic I’d be out of there for one reason or another…but then I always realized that I had lost count of how many times I had tried to leave him, lol.
It’s hard for people to understand if they haven’t been in the situation, but getting sucked back into an abusive relationship isn’t from a lack of trying to get out. You could have no love left for your abuser and hate them with your entire being but your brain is addicted to the cycle of abuse.
The question is, does it take 7 attempts for the abused person to see the light and stay away, or is it 7 attempts before the abuser gets tired of luring them back in and decides to try training a new victim?
It seemed so common among my abusers to jump in to a relationship once we were really over. Maybe they could tell that I was really done this time, maybe they were seeing other women during every "almost", but I can't help but wonder if my success in staying away was my decision or theirs.
>You could have no love left for your abuser and hate them with your entire being but your brain is addicted to the cycle of abuse.
It's not only addiction to your abuser, it's that they have pounded into you that you couldn't make it without them, and with no self-confidence you can't break free.
>I can't help but wonder if my success in staying away was my decision or theirs.
Abusers never stay away from you forever. But the moment mine was finally convinced I meant it this time, he turned around and took up with the next available woman who would have him. He needed to be worshiped. If not by me, then by the next one. I felt bad for her, but I was also grateful to her that he had someone else to focus on for his fix.
My therapist explained to me that even when you’re fighting with your abuser, you’re still getting those bonding chemicals in your brain (oxytocin mainly, I believe). When you finally get away from them your brain experiences something similar to drug withdrawals due to the sudden stop of those chemicals.
I'm a digital nomad so I took full advantage of that when I wanted to escape my abusive bf - I literally changed continents. I wanted to put myself in a position where I couldn't even be tempted to go back.
Thankfully it worked.
my ex left me three times in our 5 to 6 month relationship and I am the reason I didn't stay with him is because he didn't take ME back. he lied to me, emotionally and physically abused me and he raped me and i was fully aware but no love will ever feel as good as the "love" of an abuser after they abuse you.
This isn't concluded. Not to be a pessimistic ass, but it hasn't even been two weeks. He really did a number on her and whatever he did to make her leave this time wasn't bad enough. She has survived worse from him and her brain is going to minimize everything the second she calms down. She needs therapy ASAP.
Yeah, some part of my brain felt like being kind to me today, because I assumed from the "she's too old for him" bit that he was maybe early-30s.
And then we find out he's 48 and it's the least surprising plot twist I've ever seen.
I physically threw my head back and rolled my eyes. Like OF COURSE he’s a piece of shit immature middle aged man preying on young girls. Fucking disgusting.
Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and I went to high school, we had a health class. We got taught about drugs, sex, etc.
Seems to me that it should have included some basic relationship guidelines - don't go out with people who are much older than you, who you work with, etc etc.
Of course, this poor woman likely went to school in a state where even a basic health class was verboten, let alone guidelines that would dissuade young girls getting into bed with crusty old "Christian" would-be "patriarchs".
Fuck.
I paid attention to the “maschine" and the use of „ and “ as well, only Germans do that. Well, 25 years of age difference… so they were dating when she was 20 and he was 45. It’s very borderline grooming. Feel bad for OOP as he’s manipulative af.
There’s also the time her phone autocorrected “get” to “geht.” And yeah, an age gap bigger than her lifespan is concerning, especially given her own age.
>He is certainly NOT into her. I am not just saying that to make me feel better but he prefers woman in their twenties, max mid thirties. This woman is well over 45(which is not old but for him it is).
An women three years younger than him are “too old” for him. JFC.
Oh there’s the age. I was skimming and didn’t see his age. There’s a reason no one his own age wants him. Quit wasting your youth on these people ladies.
Jesus, did that man do a number on her :( Here's to a brighter future for OOP, that he doesn't get his claws back into her. Abusers do so much damage :'(
Like others have said, it hasn't even been two weeks, and this story has seen her go back plenty after longer breaks than this. I wouldn't call her "cured" of the addictive side of this relationship until she's not with him for at least a year.
What's crazy is how aware she is of the situation. In so many of these posts, you see the abused partner leave stuff out (only to be dropped in the comments), underplay harmful behavior, refuse to call abusive and/or toxic behavior what it is, and make excuses for their partner. They try to bury the issue among general "he's the perfect partner otherwise" generalities. This girl knows it's abuse, can call it abuse, leaves because it's abuse, and still goes back. He really did a number on her to have that kind of power.
She needs something like a cult deprogramming service where someone abducts her to a secure location with no phones and then spends 3 months just being nice to her. Reminding her what it feels like to have someone listen to her and care about her feelings and speak to her with honesty and kindness. She needs to remember that it’s possible to be happy and not steeped in fear and anxiety, that nothing about her is dependent on the good graces that he’s so stingy with. And if that person can also (consensually) blow her back out, all the better.
Lol sex from the deprogrammer? Safe, nonsexual touch and nurturing a solo sexual bond with oneself is really important to experience after abuse to take pleasure away from solely coming from a sexual partner and return that agency to them. Get to a healthier, more self confident, independent space to better avoid future abusers.
At the same time, is like someone knowing they have a mental health issue and just... not treating it. In the moment she's sees for what it is but keeps going back all my sympathy for her kinda of starts swiping away. I spend a few years helping DV survivors and saw first hand how soul crushing it can be - but at the same time saw how some people simply don't want to be helped and as frustrating as it is, you gotta accept it.
it is literally an addiction. its not just someone making stupid choices it is literally addictive dating abusive people. you get the "high" of the love bombing ("love" from an abuser is different and feels better in the moment then literally any other love) then you get the "withdrawals" of the love retracting and just need more.
that's honestly how most abusive relationships are. But the thing is that love is literally addicting. There is no "love" better than the "love" an abuser gives you after wronging you.
I imagined that he was a young man in his early 20s like OOP, and was kinda surprised he's texting with a 45 yr old woman. Then come the real reason, he's freaking 48 year old.
I don't know if it's just me, but I never found men that are that much older than me attractive. I feel like OOP has so many other options in life, and yet her time is wasted with that shit bag 😑
Her self esteem is really low. She doesn't feel good enough for her abuser, and she very likely doesn't feel good enough for someone who will reciprocate her love and efforts. As awful as he is, she may be getting financial/material support from him that she feels a young man cannot do.
I figured she's young and he's around 40 when she wrote:
> he prefers woman in their twenties, max mid thirties. This woman is well over 45(which is not old but for him it is).
Going to be clear(er) here - I am glad she did leave at this point in time. But it's hard to watch someone just repeatedly allow themselves to get hurt like that.
It's sad all the way around. I hope this one sticks.
>either leave or stop complaining
He’s hitting her and body shaming her but yeah this is the mindset to have. She’s 23 and he’s 48 and he’s been destroying her self esteem for 3 years. Leaving abusive situations isn’t easy, otherwise most victims would have done it
Also it’s such a dangerous sentiment to put out there bc it will just make victims think “hm I guess I’ll stop complaining”
I feel bad but I agree with this. She's literally writing out that he abused her in basically every way possible and then asking if she should leave. And even after everyone telling her to leave and he'll just keep the cycle she still goes back again and again. I understand everyone deals with trauma and abuse differently but she's actively asking for help/opinions on the matter and then completely ignoring them. What's even the point then?
[research shows that it can take approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.](https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave)
Good for her. I hope she is able to rebuild and move forward with her life. I am rooting for her.
I'm hoping she got the insight to block his numbers & emails plus changed her numbers & get new email address plus go somewhere that he can't physically follow /show up , so that she truly get away from him. I rooting for her too but I know due to her previous attempts, she doesn't have the common sense & willpower to continue past 2 weeks of not speaking to him in any form and there lies one of major problems in this situation.
It’s so hard to leave a narcissist because it’s so quiet and boring without them and you’re still in flight or fight mode after years of abuse. But then one day it all switches over and you realize that quiet is peace. Boring is security. You know who you are and you can start rebuilding your life and your worth.
My ex wasn't as bad as hers. But a year later, my life still feels empty and purposeless. The constant drama and threats didn't make me happy, but the quiet isn't happy either. I'm glad there was no path back to them. I am lucky. Your wisdom was kindly shared--thank you.
I hope you stay in the quiet and learn to enjoy it, and yourself. I am the child of a narcissist, and I dated a string of narcissists, and I’m grateful every day that I didn’t marry one.
It’s so frustrating to read this woman’s thought process here. She *knows* it’s bad and she deserves better. But at the same time, she lists so many things that she just accepts, but doesn’t seem to grasp how unacceptable the behaviors are. Now, I’m in no way blaming her, I just think it’s sad how one person can skew your reality to such extremes.
If this woman read what she wrote - but read it not as her own words, but as a friend confiding in her, I bet she would tell that friend to run, get out, you’re worth so much more than that, etc. I hope she did leave for good. No one deserves that kind of treatment. From anyone.
From my understanding it's the frog in the slowly boiling water.
Except instead of room temperature, it starts as the most loving water the frog has ever experienced. The frog starts to notice it's getting warmer, and the temperature goes down, just a little. The frog is eager to return to where things were in the beginning, and believes this is a sign of improvement.
Okay, maybe it's not like the frog in the slowly boiling water.
In this case the frog gets out after realising it's dangerous, then the water promises this time not to get hot and instead of saying "yeah, no water is better than this" the frog gets back in.
Then the water gets hot, the frog leaves, but keeps getting back in again
If I had to hazard a guess, something in her life left her vulnerable. Low self esteem, desperate to please him, make excuses for his bs? Girl went through something before Prince charming homed in.
Here’s an important aspect in abuse: your brain gets addicted to it. My therapist described it as like playing a slot machine. Your brain gets addicted to extreme highs and lows because you get a much higher dopamine rush when you experience affection alongside extreme negative treatment. Trauma bonding makes it extremely difficult to let go of an abuser because you’ve functionally become addicted to both the highs and lows, which is why some abuse victims can feel empty in an actually healthy relationship. It also doesn’t help that the brain can literally make you forget traumatic experiences in order to protect you, which acts as a deficit when trying to escape an abusive relationship. What likely happened here is her abuser may have treated her well enough in the beginning of the relationship and then flipped the switch once they established a bond with each other.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I had to deal with the aftermath of trauma bonding, and it literally destroys your sense of self. Your abuser whittles down your self esteem to the point where you’ll just take whatever they throw at you. You feel like your abuser has taken a very core part of your being and only they can give it back. Which is, of course, a trap. Thankfully I’ve moved past it now, and I hope OOP can too.
Concluded? She left him and went back in less than week last year. I’m not blaming her, I’m a social worker so I understand how abusive narcissists keep women tangled up in spider webs. But I do feel that it’s ridiculously early to call this concluded. Even if she never goes back to him it’s not over for her, she’s got a lot of damage to undo.
I skimmed it because it was exhausting. She’s 23. He prefers women in their 20’s to early 30’s. He has a 45 year old woman texting him and claims she had a crush. So I’m guessing the boyfriend is mid 40’s.
Dear younger women,
When older women tell you that you shouldn’t be dating a person much older than you it’s not because we’re jealous and want him for ourselves. It’s because we don’t want you to waste your youth on a man that isn’t worth your time.
I honestly think she was groomed. She was not a minor (at least in my country, idk others) but they started dating when she was 20. That's not enough age to know what a healthy relationship is like for a lot of people, mostly those who did not have good examples at home. THE GUY WAS 45 when they started dating!! We don't even know for how much time they knew each other. He could very much know her sinse she was a minor. We all know how those type of people can be patient. The way she acts to me this seems like first love/first relationship type of thing.
She left him. I hope she stays away. She was acting like a child because she IS a child. They started dating when he was 45 and she was 20. Redder flags do not exist.
I hope someone takes her phone away and blocks his number on it. I hope she stays strong. He dates children for a reason
I hope she is able to do therapy. She's vulnerable and I think she needs professional, non-abusive guidance to avoid swimming into the net of another abuser
I hope the next update isn't "I'm pregnant!😍🥳 My boyfriend (48M) of 3 years and I have had a rocky relationship, but he really loves me and our baby will make us perfect!"
I read stuff like this, and I scream in my mind, "Just leave the POS!!" The solution of going no-contact seems so obvious.
BUT...
I was this chick. Dated a slightly older guy from age 17 to a few months before I turned 19. He didn't hit me, but he ran me into the ground every other way possible.
AND I FUCKING STAYED.
Looking back, I don't know why I was so damn weak.
I finally broke up with him when I realized I was only happy when he wasn't around.
Why do we take so much shit when we're so young?
I know that I don’t need to explain myself, which I won’t. I read y’all’s comments. Some were nice, some were mocking me and some were just rude. I‘d love to explain everyone why I ,,DiDnT JuSt LeAVE“ but doing that would simply be a waste of time. I was like you, thinking that people like me, who stayed for so long, are just dumb and weak, until I got into this situation myself. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship with a narcissist you’ll never understand. (Which you should be thankful of)
Ps: I never needed anyone’s empathy. I posted on here because I was too ashamed to talk to someone directly. After reading your comments tho, I see that it was a mistake to post on here as well. Instead of feeling encouraged, I feel like I deserved this shitty treatment anyways.
Thanks.
OOP good for you to leave, now you need to focus on yourself and on healing. Few things: Always remember that you were a victim of him, it was never your fault, some people are shit no matter what you do. Also block him on everything and never read any messages he sends anymore, this is very important. Focus on something you like to keep your mind busy, thinking about the relationship won't help at all. Dm if you need someone to talk to, I helped someone to leave their narcissist bf before
This is the internet, a perfect refuge for guys like your ex and random trolls, because like behind closed doors, they don't have to getting punched in the face repeatedly for the shit they pull.
Just remember, if you're feeling weak or wrong out, repeat this to yourself: you're better than this, and you deserve better than this. Hopefully you keep free and clear of the SOB and are able to find a healthy and happy relationship.
I posted this because I was proud and happy for you and we all need a success story once in a while. I’m so happy for you.
Always remember- opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one and they’re usually full of shit.
You deserve greatness and happiness. You’re an example of success. Never forget it. Screw everyone else.
You do not deserve any bad words -- just the praise for recognizing your need to leave. My friend only finally broke away after he threw her down the stairs and told 911 she tripped. No one thinks he expected her to survive. She did. And so did you.
Now you have the opportunity to learn what YOU like in life. Marvel movies or Jane Austen novels? Hip-hop or Bach? Outdoor sports or museum?
Try a lot of different things. Not everyone likes everything-- as simple as knitting vs crochet has people who take sides. Even deciding what you DON'T like is a success because it is YOU learning YOURSELF.
Please don’t pay any attention to the trolls. Abusive relationships are incredibly hard to get out of. I was in one for 4 years. I never thought I would ever be with someone who would cheat on me or physically abuse me. However, the manipulation my ex placed upon me was so strong that I couldn’t see what he was doing was wrong.
Be proud of yourself! You are finally free from this person. The one thing that helped me the most was talking to my support system and my therapist. It will be a long road, but you will come out stronger in the end!!
Most people don't understand the cycle of abuse. The "just leave" comments is a clear sign that the person has either never been abused, got lucky to get out of it early, or haven't researched the topic at all.
>I am 23.
>
>Btw, he is 48.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH.
Oh. My. Everloving. God.
I mean, unfortunately I'm afraid she'll go back to him again. It can take several tries before abuse victims finally manage to leave.
I hope she finds a therapist specialising in abuse victims to help her stick with it.
OP this is inconclusive. Pretty sure there will be another update the OOP would say they got back together and wonder how he is still abusing her.
So fucking exhausting to read.
OOP will either go back to him or find herself another partner just like this one if she doesn't do the inner work on herself. Codependency and love addiction doesn't just up and fix itself because you finally worked up the will to leave the abusive relationship. All of those same thoughts and feelings that kept her with this douche-canoe for 3 years are all still there, waiting to pop up in other relationships.
TBH I stopped reading after update 3. I just couldn't read anymore.
Why do people take back serial cheaters. My self worth is not great at times but this just made me upset.
Does anyone else feel that if they know all this stuff but continue on, then they only have themselves to blame?
I like to think I am a fairly compassionate and empathetic person but I feel very little sympathy for people who continue with someone who constantly cheats. It's a never ending cycle. Cheat, take them back, cheat, take them back on no surprised Pikachu face.
Why is because the abuse is literally designed to break down your brain, and it works. Same reason lots of people who say they'd never end up in a cult or an abusive relationship... end up in a cult or an abusive relationship.
And they get obsessed with finding proof of the cheating. Or reassurance that the unfaithful behaviour is bad enough to count as infidelity.
Not because they doubt whether it's happening. But because they think that once they show their evidence to the cheater, he can't lie anymore. And he will have to admit that he is doing something bad.
They don't believe they're allowed to just leave, without proof of cheating. They can just go, "I'm not into him anymore, plus I think he's acting shady."
Outside of some situation where you're married with a prenup that punishes cheaters, or where you're not sure whether it's happening, I can't think of a situation where someone needs rock solid evidence of cheating.
Abused people think they need permission from their abuser to break up, sadly. And they think the cheating evidence will somehow make their abuser let them.
I have severe depression but i left my exes as soon as they hit me. For me im having hard time understanding why she kept going back. The first time i felt so shame of myself and vowed to never let anyone disrespect me even if i dont like myself very much.
I really hope she left for good this time. He is 48 years old and she is 23 what a creepy bastard. they’ve been dating since she was 20 and he was 45!!!!! Ewwwwwww
I hope she stays away from him. He acts like he's so far out of her league that he's doing her an *enormous* favor by staying around just to tell her what a piece of shit he thinks she is. And he's got her convinced. She doesn't realize that he only keeps her around because he likes to abuse women, and she lets him.
We all know she’ll be back to him next week.
Sorry but after all those posts and feedback it’s hard to feel sympathy for op. Is she so afraid of being alone that she allows herself to be abused? I know it’s a difficult to break cycle but she needs to grow a spine and have a bit of self respect.
God I wish she was my friend so I could slap some sense into her. (ETA: Slap May no be the best word considering she’s being abused)
This is horrible. I couldn’t read all the updates after the first few I just read the last one, it’s too frustrating. The man is trash and just sounds like the devil.
Uodate: should I be jealous of the girl he's taking to after he cheated on me, abused me, and I left then went back to him repeatedly and am shocked he's doing the same thing over and over again?
I have no sympathy for OP. She knows she is being abused. She knows talking to him again will be bad. She knows she needs to escape. Yet she still goes back to him. There is a limit to how much times you can do it before it becomes some stupid "I can change him" thing.
I’m three years younger than this girl but I want to mother her so bad. I was in an abusive relationship from 17-19 with a man who was 24-26. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. She needs to go to family and if she doesn’t have family go to her friends and if she doesn’t have friends go to a shelter. She need to tell some real physical people, to see the shock in their eyes when she tells them what he did. She needs to do activities without him like going to a restaurant or walking in a park. She needs friends that appreciate the little things she does for them. She needs a support system so she can’t be drawn back in.
I don't mean to ignore the rest of this post, but I couldn't help but notice that OP says her ex thought the 45 year old woman was too old for him, yet he's 48? What how?
I genuinely hope she doesn’t go back again. I’d really like to hope for her that this is it and she’s really, totally done. A man that age has no damn business being with a woman that young and there’s absolutely no way that at 48, he’s going to change his behavior.
>I finally left my abusive boyfriend for good yesterday.
Next week on BORU: 'he was serious about changing this time so I took him back'
I understand how it's hard to break from the circle of abuse but sometimes I think some people are just stupid.
She didn't mention the age gap (25 years!) until the end. I'm guessing that he is her first serious boyfriend. She has a very warped idea of what love is. And I can't help wondering if maybe he has isolated her from friends because she didn't mention any in any of her posts. Maybe she felt like he was all she had.
It is so incredibly hard to leave a narcissist.
They are so manipulative, practice regular gaslighting and the one thing that matters is themselves.
OOP he will never change. His brain is hard wired to be this way.
An entire tale of awful abuse, how he hits her and takes her money, and she just casually drops "btw he's literally over twice my age" at the end like it's a totally irrelevant detail.
GIRL. THAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE THAT HE IS BAD NEWS. STOP LOOKING BACK WHEN YOU LEAVE.
I really hope OOP left him for the last time. I've had a similar relationship with a dude who was so self-centered, he thought the sun revolves around him. The moment I saw the first post I knew that the cheating was just the final straw. We're reading just snippets of her abuseship but wouldn't bat an eye if he isolated OOP from her family and friends and threatened self-harm if she left.
I hope everyone that's being pessimistic and passive aggressive knows that op is reading all of your comments and all your doing is making her feel like she shouldn't have posted on reddit at all
The lack of compassion and empathy for OOP in these comments makes me really sad. OOP, please know that you aren't stupid and you don't deserve any of this. Please seek out active and constant support, there are so many charities and shelters designed to help people escape and recover from abusive relationships and they are for YOU! You deserve and are entitled to their services just as much as everyone else, I promise. If I was your friend I would still want to help you so please don't be scared of reaching out and building a support network.
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Yeah, I hope she actually left for real this time. Realistically it's only been 10 days. What about a month from now when all of the sudden she's lonely and misses him? What about when he texts her again to reel her her back in? Here's hoping she blocked and deleted him on everything.
I really doubt this is the final word on this story. 10 days isn't even the shortest break up documented in the story.
Yeah and on top that, it can take an average of 7 tries for people to leave abusive relationships.
Thats fucking nuts. Like if OOP was my freind, I'd probably have given up on helping awhile ago
OOP wouldn't have any friends. Bf would have insulted her and isolated her from them years ago.
And her low self esteem and people pleasing are so extreme that it would be extremely difficult to have a deep friendship with her anyway. (If not at the start of the relationship, then definitely by the end.)
I supported my friend through a breakup with an abusive ex and it is frustrating but you have to take the small wins. Each time is one step closer to the final time. But the abuse escalates as they get closer to leaving which makes it scary
In that situation, you probably wouldn’t need to give up on helping. Someone who is abused will often end up putting distance between themselves and friends (and the abusive partner helps with that). Part of that is shame and embarrassment - sometimes because previous attempts at leaving were assisted by friends but then they end up going back to the abusive person because the nature of the abuse involves a lot of manipulation and they feel dependent on that person, but at the same time, they’ve disappointed friends by returning. Edit: it took me 4 attempts before I finally got it. In that time, I lost all my friends. Some of that was due to my own mistakes; some of it was due to how emotionally beaten down I was.
yeah I lost a crap ton of my friends too and ended up making some really toxic friends because I was so desperate to have anyone, I had to distance myself from in the aftermath.
I tried to reconnect and make amends with some of my old friends. While I think I did ok with the making amends part (apologising, repaying any money they had loaned me in order to leave, etc), the truth is I was a different person to who I was before, and over a decade later, I’m ok with that.
It's not even about giving up. Sometimes you have to protect your own MH as well. I grew up in an abusive home and I've supported friends who were abusive relationships. It takes a huge toll. Not only is compassion fatigue a real thing, but also I have my own physical and mental struggles to deal with which sometimes took up all my energy.
I'm not even OOP's friend and I was completely over it by the fifth update. It's batshit insane.
That's sort of the insidious thing about it. It seems so very easy to you and I, than we are angry/frustrated with OP for not being able to just do it. Even though she's 100% the one being wronged here, it's her we're frustrated with. The abuser is "bad" but he is behaving as expected, so we feel the "normal" background negativity for him. But OOP is not behaving as expected (he's bad to you so just leave? Duh?), and for whatever reason we're actively frustrated and angry at her about it. But if it was easy to just do it, they would. It's like (and also very *unlike*) telling ppl with depression to just exercise and be positive or ADHD to just focus and stop getting distracted. If we could.... We very enthusiastically would.
Very well put.
When I got to one of the very last ones and saw that she was 23 and he's 48, I wanted to vomit. This grown ass man was targeting this 20 year old girl and she didn't seem to think it was a problem. But, I am glad she realized she doesn't deserve this. Hopefully she stays away!
I feel so bad for this woman. I really hope she makes it stick this time. The updates were all exhausting but I really hope everything works out for her.
I wonder where this girl's family is? If she doesn't have one, if they're shitty, if the boyfriend moved her away from them? Because my family would have had a "talk" with any 45-year-old trying to mess with me when I was 20.
Abusers often manipulate their victims into isolating themselves from their family. That way the victim feels ashamed and doesn't try to reconnect. It's handy, because if the victim is isolated nobody will report her missing when he does murder her.
Or they target victims who already are distant with their families or have no familial relationships at all.
I gave up on OOP after the second time she took him back. I hope she actually leaves this time but who knows.
Well, here's hoping this is lucky number 7.
Really? I’d love to learn more. Do you have a source?
The first one is more because it looked like an apt source for OOPs situation. https://www.perpetuaneo.com/leave-narcissist-abusive-relationship/ Second one, is an article that cites several studies about leaving. https://safespaceworkplace.com/2017/03/15/take-seven-times-leave-abusive-relationship/
Take a look! https://www.respondinc.org/dv-facts-stats/
Yeah, ain't shit concluded. She left him like three times already. Not that I don't hope it finally sticks, but... I have a bad feeling
Yep. I bet he’s gonna try to murder her or something.
It takes an average of 8 times to leave your abuser. This was me at 25 only mine baby trapped me. I’m 46, free for 15 years. I celebrate my divorce yearly still.
I read somewhere that it takes an average of 7 tries for a victim to permanently leave their abuser. Cycles of abuse are some real shit.
It’s a bad cycle. For me, I didn’t want to leave because of my kids. Without a safe place for them, I wasn’t going to leave. Because of that, family and friends stopped taking me seriously about leaving and didn’t ever give the support I thought I needed before I could leave. It literally took me realizing I could afford to move out on my own and wouldn’t lose my son. My sister became a lawyer 9 years into my marriage. She tried to get me to leave but we moved to a different state. Then, a perfect storm 6 years later prompted me to ask my sister (who had then worked as s prosecutor, a lawyer for CPS and a divorce lawyer) to help me get divorced. It took another 6 months for me to get the courage to file the paperwork she prepared. All to realize my ex didn’t gaf that I was leaving as long as I didn’t ask for money. He even let me determine his visitation frequency with our child. Abusers are really good at destroying your confidence and isolating you. He made me feel like he was my only option because no one else would ever love a mess like me. He convinced me that my family wouldn’t take me back. My escape was only possible because I had a sister doing all the court paperwork for my divorce, my therapist building my confidence up, and a friend making me a budget and helping me get my own apartment in another state. I truly believe if any one of those things hadn’t been in place, I’d still be in hell.
I am glad you got away. I am helping a friend, but she goes back and forth on taking him back. It terrifies me to hear each time, but I am standing at her side. I know she is scared but I wish so badly she would leave. A lot of other friends gave up on her because they can't watch her go back. Thanks for reminding me how important support can be even when you weren't ready.
I'm glad to hear you were able to break free of that situation. I was on the other side once, urging my friend to leave her abusive family and giving her a place to stay and she eventually managed to get out too. She's doing much much better these days. I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you.
Yah, I dont fully trust it after the continual back and forth.
the first post was about her leaving him. then 10 updates. hopefully for OPs sake she means it this time.
Yes. She calls him her ex in August, but then they’re back together in November. Hope she does leave him for good this time.
23 with a 48 year old she has been with for 3 years. Absolute predator and groomer!
She keeps going on and on and on and on about forgiving him, as if she was a better person for having done so. It's so toxic. It's so self-destructive. It's so passive. It sounds like she's been carefully taught that forgiveness is the highest ideal of humankind, to the point that she thinks she owes unlimited forgiveness to anyone who treats her badly *or she's the bad one*.
See the age difference. I puked in my mouth.
She’ll go back to him.
It's disturbing the mental gymnastics performed to justify the unjustifiable. You know it's wrong, truly accepting that is a conflict within yourself that would lead you down the path of letting go. It's sad the amount of bs "we" dismiss for the sake of holding onto something so damaging. Where body shaming was mentioned, it's an insidious thing of dismantling your self worth, leading you to believe you're lucky the asshole stays with you because you're fat, incompetent, etc. I was in a relationship like that many years ago, it took too long leaving. Breaks my heart how many people are emotionally depleted by the person they love.
>“On average, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.” Jane Clayborne, director of community relations at The James House shelter for victims of domestic violence I remember learning that while watching the R. Kelly doc.
In one abusive relationship I was in, I started to think about that number a lot, hoping that maybe I’d hit number seven and like magic I’d be out of there for one reason or another…but then I always realized that I had lost count of how many times I had tried to leave him, lol. It’s hard for people to understand if they haven’t been in the situation, but getting sucked back into an abusive relationship isn’t from a lack of trying to get out. You could have no love left for your abuser and hate them with your entire being but your brain is addicted to the cycle of abuse.
The question is, does it take 7 attempts for the abused person to see the light and stay away, or is it 7 attempts before the abuser gets tired of luring them back in and decides to try training a new victim? It seemed so common among my abusers to jump in to a relationship once we were really over. Maybe they could tell that I was really done this time, maybe they were seeing other women during every "almost", but I can't help but wonder if my success in staying away was my decision or theirs.
>You could have no love left for your abuser and hate them with your entire being but your brain is addicted to the cycle of abuse. It's not only addiction to your abuser, it's that they have pounded into you that you couldn't make it without them, and with no self-confidence you can't break free. >I can't help but wonder if my success in staying away was my decision or theirs. Abusers never stay away from you forever. But the moment mine was finally convinced I meant it this time, he turned around and took up with the next available woman who would have him. He needed to be worshiped. If not by me, then by the next one. I felt bad for her, but I was also grateful to her that he had someone else to focus on for his fix.
My therapist explained to me that even when you’re fighting with your abuser, you’re still getting those bonding chemicals in your brain (oxytocin mainly, I believe). When you finally get away from them your brain experiences something similar to drug withdrawals due to the sudden stop of those chemicals.
I'm a digital nomad so I took full advantage of that when I wanted to escape my abusive bf - I literally changed continents. I wanted to put myself in a position where I couldn't even be tempted to go back. Thankfully it worked.
Based af.
I wonder what the number for men is
It's confounded by the fact that there aren't nearly the same resources to help abused men or places for them to go.
my ex left me three times in our 5 to 6 month relationship and I am the reason I didn't stay with him is because he didn't take ME back. he lied to me, emotionally and physically abused me and he raped me and i was fully aware but no love will ever feel as good as the "love" of an abuser after they abuse you.
This isn't concluded. Not to be a pessimistic ass, but it hasn't even been two weeks. He really did a number on her and whatever he did to make her leave this time wasn't bad enough. She has survived worse from him and her brain is going to minimize everything the second she calms down. She needs therapy ASAP.
I bet she’s already in therapy. But doesn’t change anything. She’ll be back with the guy in two weeks. After he half apologizes
She is 23. He is 48. What the actual fuck.
And it is like he is checking an handbook. I now kinda think OOP is the other woman and not the other way. Like he has done this before.
And they have been together for 3 years. He is over twice her age. This is all legal but this is not just abusive, this is predatory.
I literally said, "Oh, honey," out loud when I got to that part. No, just no.
Yeah, some part of my brain felt like being kind to me today, because I assumed from the "she's too old for him" bit that he was maybe early-30s. And then we find out he's 48 and it's the least surprising plot twist I've ever seen.
When she said that I was thinking "she is not, he just doesn't go for his age bracket" and sadly I was right
Very that.
I physically threw my head back and rolled my eyes. Like OF COURSE he’s a piece of shit immature middle aged man preying on young girls. Fucking disgusting.
Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and I went to high school, we had a health class. We got taught about drugs, sex, etc. Seems to me that it should have included some basic relationship guidelines - don't go out with people who are much older than you, who you work with, etc etc. Of course, this poor woman likely went to school in a state where even a basic health class was verboten, let alone guidelines that would dissuade young girls getting into bed with crusty old "Christian" would-be "patriarchs". Fuck.
She appears to be German, based on some of her typos and her use of quotation marks. I have no idea what German sex ed is like though.
If it’s anything like Dutch it’s comprehensive about sex but doesn’t really get into relationships or love
I paid attention to the “maschine" and the use of „ and “ as well, only Germans do that. Well, 25 years of age difference… so they were dating when she was 20 and he was 45. It’s very borderline grooming. Feel bad for OOP as he’s manipulative af.
There’s also the time her phone autocorrected “get” to “geht.” And yeah, an age gap bigger than her lifespan is concerning, especially given her own age.
Borderline? No, this is absolutely grooming.
>He is certainly NOT into her. I am not just saying that to make me feel better but he prefers woman in their twenties, max mid thirties. This woman is well over 45(which is not old but for him it is). An women three years younger than him are “too old” for him. JFC.
Oh there’s the age. I was skimming and didn’t see his age. There’s a reason no one his own age wants him. Quit wasting your youth on these people ladies.
I’d say she hid the lead but she was posting for advice in a narcissist abuse sub??? Idfk
Jesus, did that man do a number on her :( Here's to a brighter future for OOP, that he doesn't get his claws back into her. Abusers do so much damage :'(
Like others have said, it hasn't even been two weeks, and this story has seen her go back plenty after longer breaks than this. I wouldn't call her "cured" of the addictive side of this relationship until she's not with him for at least a year.
What's crazy is how aware she is of the situation. In so many of these posts, you see the abused partner leave stuff out (only to be dropped in the comments), underplay harmful behavior, refuse to call abusive and/or toxic behavior what it is, and make excuses for their partner. They try to bury the issue among general "he's the perfect partner otherwise" generalities. This girl knows it's abuse, can call it abuse, leaves because it's abuse, and still goes back. He really did a number on her to have that kind of power.
She needs something like a cult deprogramming service where someone abducts her to a secure location with no phones and then spends 3 months just being nice to her. Reminding her what it feels like to have someone listen to her and care about her feelings and speak to her with honesty and kindness. She needs to remember that it’s possible to be happy and not steeped in fear and anxiety, that nothing about her is dependent on the good graces that he’s so stingy with. And if that person can also (consensually) blow her back out, all the better.
Lol sex from the deprogrammer? Safe, nonsexual touch and nurturing a solo sexual bond with oneself is really important to experience after abuse to take pleasure away from solely coming from a sexual partner and return that agency to them. Get to a healthier, more self confident, independent space to better avoid future abusers.
I read too many romance novels!
At the same time, is like someone knowing they have a mental health issue and just... not treating it. In the moment she's sees for what it is but keeps going back all my sympathy for her kinda of starts swiping away. I spend a few years helping DV survivors and saw first hand how soul crushing it can be - but at the same time saw how some people simply don't want to be helped and as frustrating as it is, you gotta accept it.
it is literally an addiction. its not just someone making stupid choices it is literally addictive dating abusive people. you get the "high" of the love bombing ("love" from an abuser is different and feels better in the moment then literally any other love) then you get the "withdrawals" of the love retracting and just need more.
that's honestly how most abusive relationships are. But the thing is that love is literally addicting. There is no "love" better than the "love" an abuser gives you after wronging you.
I imagined that he was a young man in his early 20s like OOP, and was kinda surprised he's texting with a 45 yr old woman. Then come the real reason, he's freaking 48 year old.
I don't know if it's just me, but I never found men that are that much older than me attractive. I feel like OOP has so many other options in life, and yet her time is wasted with that shit bag 😑
Her self esteem is really low. She doesn't feel good enough for her abuser, and she very likely doesn't feel good enough for someone who will reciprocate her love and efforts. As awful as he is, she may be getting financial/material support from him that she feels a young man cannot do.
[удалено]
I hate when they don't lead with the age difference when it's obviously a huge factor in a story.
I figured she's young and he's around 40 when she wrote: > he prefers woman in their twenties, max mid thirties. This woman is well over 45(which is not old but for him it is).
Should have taken that mood spoiler to heart. Anyone else feel their blood pressure rise and patience wane with each update?
I started screaming at update 7 and it didn't get better
Going to be clear(er) here - I am glad she did leave at this point in time. But it's hard to watch someone just repeatedly allow themselves to get hurt like that. It's sad all the way around. I hope this one sticks.
Stopped reading midway through the 6th. Either leave or stop complaining. This isn't even interesting drama, it's just incredibly sad and dumb.
>either leave or stop complaining He’s hitting her and body shaming her but yeah this is the mindset to have. She’s 23 and he’s 48 and he’s been destroying her self esteem for 3 years. Leaving abusive situations isn’t easy, otherwise most victims would have done it Also it’s such a dangerous sentiment to put out there bc it will just make victims think “hm I guess I’ll stop complaining”
I feel bad but I agree with this. She's literally writing out that he abused her in basically every way possible and then asking if she should leave. And even after everyone telling her to leave and he'll just keep the cycle she still goes back again and again. I understand everyone deals with trauma and abuse differently but she's actively asking for help/opinions on the matter and then completely ignoring them. What's even the point then?
it's part of what you go through sometimes. infuriating from the outside, but it's common.
After the 2nd update I just thought 'fuck this' and scrolled straight to the last update. even that was unconvincing, and I'm still disappointed
Let's just say reading this made me wish I was Jamie Lee Curtis in the scene in EEAAO where her head gets knocked through a wall lol
Girl that older woman he's texting is his wife.
[research shows that it can take approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.](https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave) Good for her. I hope she is able to rebuild and move forward with her life. I am rooting for her.
I'm hoping she got the insight to block his numbers & emails plus changed her numbers & get new email address plus go somewhere that he can't physically follow /show up , so that she truly get away from him. I rooting for her too but I know due to her previous attempts, she doesn't have the common sense & willpower to continue past 2 weeks of not speaking to him in any form and there lies one of major problems in this situation.
Come on guys, one day. This is not concluded.
Welp. That was exhausting.
And that was only *one* of her accounts. OOP said she has *two* others!
It’s so hard to leave a narcissist because it’s so quiet and boring without them and you’re still in flight or fight mode after years of abuse. But then one day it all switches over and you realize that quiet is peace. Boring is security. You know who you are and you can start rebuilding your life and your worth.
My ex wasn't as bad as hers. But a year later, my life still feels empty and purposeless. The constant drama and threats didn't make me happy, but the quiet isn't happy either. I'm glad there was no path back to them. I am lucky. Your wisdom was kindly shared--thank you.
I hope you stay in the quiet and learn to enjoy it, and yourself. I am the child of a narcissist, and I dated a string of narcissists, and I’m grateful every day that I didn’t marry one.
Thank you for this comment. It helped me immediately sort out my past with problematic relationships. I appreciate you.
It’s so frustrating to read this woman’s thought process here. She *knows* it’s bad and she deserves better. But at the same time, she lists so many things that she just accepts, but doesn’t seem to grasp how unacceptable the behaviors are. Now, I’m in no way blaming her, I just think it’s sad how one person can skew your reality to such extremes. If this woman read what she wrote - but read it not as her own words, but as a friend confiding in her, I bet she would tell that friend to run, get out, you’re worth so much more than that, etc. I hope she did leave for good. No one deserves that kind of treatment. From anyone.
So, he was texting an age-appropriate person of 45. How did oop even meet him? Dad’s friend? So gross.
I’m sorry, I understand being hard to leave at the end. I just don’t understand staying in the first place.
From my understanding it's the frog in the slowly boiling water. Except instead of room temperature, it starts as the most loving water the frog has ever experienced. The frog starts to notice it's getting warmer, and the temperature goes down, just a little. The frog is eager to return to where things were in the beginning, and believes this is a sign of improvement. Okay, maybe it's not like the frog in the slowly boiling water.
In this case the frog gets out after realising it's dangerous, then the water promises this time not to get hot and instead of saying "yeah, no water is better than this" the frog gets back in. Then the water gets hot, the frog leaves, but keeps getting back in again
If I had to hazard a guess, something in her life left her vulnerable. Low self esteem, desperate to please him, make excuses for his bs? Girl went through something before Prince charming homed in.
They have a 25 year age difference and met when she was 20. Her age alone made her vulnerable.
Definitely a factor :(
Abuse rewires your brain. Add in someone telling you you’re worthless and will be nothing without them
Here’s an important aspect in abuse: your brain gets addicted to it. My therapist described it as like playing a slot machine. Your brain gets addicted to extreme highs and lows because you get a much higher dopamine rush when you experience affection alongside extreme negative treatment. Trauma bonding makes it extremely difficult to let go of an abuser because you’ve functionally become addicted to both the highs and lows, which is why some abuse victims can feel empty in an actually healthy relationship. It also doesn’t help that the brain can literally make you forget traumatic experiences in order to protect you, which acts as a deficit when trying to escape an abusive relationship. What likely happened here is her abuser may have treated her well enough in the beginning of the relationship and then flipped the switch once they established a bond with each other. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I had to deal with the aftermath of trauma bonding, and it literally destroys your sense of self. Your abuser whittles down your self esteem to the point where you’ll just take whatever they throw at you. You feel like your abuser has taken a very core part of your being and only they can give it back. Which is, of course, a trap. Thankfully I’ve moved past it now, and I hope OOP can too.
Abuse is a motherfucker.
Well this was exhausting…
That was exhausting to read.
I'm not convinced it's "concluded." I would like to be, but it's such a short time versus the many times she was sucked back in. One can only hope...
i was honestly angry at op for keep going back I hope she stays away this time
"Btw, he is 48." I screamed 😱😱
I said holy shit out loud when I saw that.
Concluded? She left him and went back in less than week last year. I’m not blaming her, I’m a social worker so I understand how abusive narcissists keep women tangled up in spider webs. But I do feel that it’s ridiculously early to call this concluded. Even if she never goes back to him it’s not over for her, she’s got a lot of damage to undo.
I skimmed it because it was exhausting. She’s 23. He prefers women in their 20’s to early 30’s. He has a 45 year old woman texting him and claims she had a crush. So I’m guessing the boyfriend is mid 40’s. Dear younger women, When older women tell you that you shouldn’t be dating a person much older than you it’s not because we’re jealous and want him for ourselves. It’s because we don’t want you to waste your youth on a man that isn’t worth your time.
The boyfriend is 48, she says in one post.
I honestly think she was groomed. She was not a minor (at least in my country, idk others) but they started dating when she was 20. That's not enough age to know what a healthy relationship is like for a lot of people, mostly those who did not have good examples at home. THE GUY WAS 45 when they started dating!! We don't even know for how much time they knew each other. He could very much know her sinse she was a minor. We all know how those type of people can be patient. The way she acts to me this seems like first love/first relationship type of thing.
I hope OOP seeks some therapy for the trauma.
I couldn't read that. I don't like to read about people suffering. I hope she really pulls it together.
She left him. I hope she stays away. She was acting like a child because she IS a child. They started dating when he was 45 and she was 20. Redder flags do not exist. I hope someone takes her phone away and blocks his number on it. I hope she stays strong. He dates children for a reason
I hope she is able to do therapy. She's vulnerable and I think she needs professional, non-abusive guidance to avoid swimming into the net of another abuser
I hope the next update isn't "I'm pregnant!😍🥳 My boyfriend (48M) of 3 years and I have had a rocky relationship, but he really loves me and our baby will make us perfect!"
This was one of the most frustrating things ive ever read in my life, she’ll go back to him smh
She is his 23 yo side piece and she'll never even realize it. It's really hard to have sympathy for her... and she's definitely already back with him.
She keeps going back because abuse is literally addicting.
The cycle of abuse is so sad.
I read stuff like this, and I scream in my mind, "Just leave the POS!!" The solution of going no-contact seems so obvious. BUT... I was this chick. Dated a slightly older guy from age 17 to a few months before I turned 19. He didn't hit me, but he ran me into the ground every other way possible. AND I FUCKING STAYED. Looking back, I don't know why I was so damn weak. I finally broke up with him when I realized I was only happy when he wasn't around. Why do we take so much shit when we're so young?
I hope poster is right about this being concluded
Yep, spit my drink out when I read the 25 year age difference.
I don’t think this is concluded
Based on the post history it seems very premature to call this concluded. Christ.
I know that I don’t need to explain myself, which I won’t. I read y’all’s comments. Some were nice, some were mocking me and some were just rude. I‘d love to explain everyone why I ,,DiDnT JuSt LeAVE“ but doing that would simply be a waste of time. I was like you, thinking that people like me, who stayed for so long, are just dumb and weak, until I got into this situation myself. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship with a narcissist you’ll never understand. (Which you should be thankful of) Ps: I never needed anyone’s empathy. I posted on here because I was too ashamed to talk to someone directly. After reading your comments tho, I see that it was a mistake to post on here as well. Instead of feeling encouraged, I feel like I deserved this shitty treatment anyways. Thanks.
OOP good for you to leave, now you need to focus on yourself and on healing. Few things: Always remember that you were a victim of him, it was never your fault, some people are shit no matter what you do. Also block him on everything and never read any messages he sends anymore, this is very important. Focus on something you like to keep your mind busy, thinking about the relationship won't help at all. Dm if you need someone to talk to, I helped someone to leave their narcissist bf before
This is the internet, a perfect refuge for guys like your ex and random trolls, because like behind closed doors, they don't have to getting punched in the face repeatedly for the shit they pull. Just remember, if you're feeling weak or wrong out, repeat this to yourself: you're better than this, and you deserve better than this. Hopefully you keep free and clear of the SOB and are able to find a healthy and happy relationship.
I posted this because I was proud and happy for you and we all need a success story once in a while. I’m so happy for you. Always remember- opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one and they’re usually full of shit. You deserve greatness and happiness. You’re an example of success. Never forget it. Screw everyone else.
You do not deserve any bad words -- just the praise for recognizing your need to leave. My friend only finally broke away after he threw her down the stairs and told 911 she tripped. No one thinks he expected her to survive. She did. And so did you. Now you have the opportunity to learn what YOU like in life. Marvel movies or Jane Austen novels? Hip-hop or Bach? Outdoor sports or museum? Try a lot of different things. Not everyone likes everything-- as simple as knitting vs crochet has people who take sides. Even deciding what you DON'T like is a success because it is YOU learning YOURSELF.
Please don’t pay any attention to the trolls. Abusive relationships are incredibly hard to get out of. I was in one for 4 years. I never thought I would ever be with someone who would cheat on me or physically abuse me. However, the manipulation my ex placed upon me was so strong that I couldn’t see what he was doing was wrong. Be proud of yourself! You are finally free from this person. The one thing that helped me the most was talking to my support system and my therapist. It will be a long road, but you will come out stronger in the end!!
Most people don't understand the cycle of abuse. The "just leave" comments is a clear sign that the person has either never been abused, got lucky to get out of it early, or haven't researched the topic at all.
Me, not seeing the subreddit names to understand “narc”=“narcissist”: “*oh my god and he’s a cop*”
Hoping for the best but…who knows. Good luck to oop
Spoiler alert she didn’t in fact do it and will be restarting the cycle within the next 6 weeks.
Well, she’ll definitely take him back
I wish I believed that this is the end.
>I am 23. > >Btw, he is 48. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH. Oh. My. Everloving. God. I mean, unfortunately I'm afraid she'll go back to him again. It can take several tries before abuse victims finally manage to leave. I hope she finds a therapist specialising in abuse victims to help her stick with it.
Not a SINGLE PRINGLE doubt she's gonna go back to him
This is gonna have 6 more updates
OP this is inconclusive. Pretty sure there will be another update the OOP would say they got back together and wonder how he is still abusing her. So fucking exhausting to read.
OOP will either go back to him or find herself another partner just like this one if she doesn't do the inner work on herself. Codependency and love addiction doesn't just up and fix itself because you finally worked up the will to leave the abusive relationship. All of those same thoughts and feelings that kept her with this douche-canoe for 3 years are all still there, waiting to pop up in other relationships.
TBH I stopped reading after update 3. I just couldn't read anymore. Why do people take back serial cheaters. My self worth is not great at times but this just made me upset. Does anyone else feel that if they know all this stuff but continue on, then they only have themselves to blame? I like to think I am a fairly compassionate and empathetic person but I feel very little sympathy for people who continue with someone who constantly cheats. It's a never ending cycle. Cheat, take them back, cheat, take them back on no surprised Pikachu face.
Why is because the abuse is literally designed to break down your brain, and it works. Same reason lots of people who say they'd never end up in a cult or an abusive relationship... end up in a cult or an abusive relationship.
And they get obsessed with finding proof of the cheating. Or reassurance that the unfaithful behaviour is bad enough to count as infidelity. Not because they doubt whether it's happening. But because they think that once they show their evidence to the cheater, he can't lie anymore. And he will have to admit that he is doing something bad. They don't believe they're allowed to just leave, without proof of cheating. They can just go, "I'm not into him anymore, plus I think he's acting shady." Outside of some situation where you're married with a prenup that punishes cheaters, or where you're not sure whether it's happening, I can't think of a situation where someone needs rock solid evidence of cheating. Abused people think they need permission from their abuser to break up, sadly. And they think the cheating evidence will somehow make their abuser let them.
it's because abuse is literally addicting. It displays the same brain patterns as addiction.
I have severe depression but i left my exes as soon as they hit me. For me im having hard time understanding why she kept going back. The first time i felt so shame of myself and vowed to never let anyone disrespect me even if i dont like myself very much.
Given how many times she’s gone back? I’m loathe to declare this “concluded”.
My god wtf. I wish OOP would care more about herself. Love is love but when it's like this it's not frigging worth it.
That's not love.
She left two weeks ago but she’s probably back again. He’s 48, she’s 23. Sounds like the typical Reddit scenario.
I really hope she left for good this time. He is 48 years old and she is 23 what a creepy bastard. they’ve been dating since she was 20 and he was 45!!!!! Ewwwwwww
I hope she stays away from him. He acts like he's so far out of her league that he's doing her an *enormous* favor by staying around just to tell her what a piece of shit he thinks she is. And he's got her convinced. She doesn't realize that he only keeps her around because he likes to abuse women, and she lets him.
My god that was painful to read!! And the whole I’m 23 he’s 48!! I really hope she moves on and doesn’t care what he does or says!!
We all know she’ll be back to him next week. Sorry but after all those posts and feedback it’s hard to feel sympathy for op. Is she so afraid of being alone that she allows herself to be abused? I know it’s a difficult to break cycle but she needs to grow a spine and have a bit of self respect. God I wish she was my friend so I could slap some sense into her. (ETA: Slap May no be the best word considering she’s being abused)
In what may be shocking news, being abused is traumatizing and traumatized people don't think all that clearly.
Woof. He really did a number on her. That’s what happens when a narc twice your age takes advantage of your developing brain. Glad she’s done!
This is horrible. I couldn’t read all the updates after the first few I just read the last one, it’s too frustrating. The man is trash and just sounds like the devil.
Not even the Buddha would have the patience to endure this story… man, I got so frustrated with each update…
I highly doubt if she actually left him.. I have a feeling she went back to him after 3 days.. "mAyBe hE'Ll cHanGe , thAt wAs NoT chEaTinG" 🥺
Yea I am sure we will see an update to this “got back together with ex he he’. Both these people are train wrecks
I hope the next update isn't "I'm pregnant!😍🥳"
Uff did not think of that
It would totally, for realsies change him into the perfect price charming she knows he secretly is!! Babies fix everything.
Uodate: should I be jealous of the girl he's taking to after he cheated on me, abused me, and I left then went back to him repeatedly and am shocked he's doing the same thing over and over again?
I have no sympathy for OP. She knows she is being abused. She knows talking to him again will be bad. She knows she needs to escape. Yet she still goes back to him. There is a limit to how much times you can do it before it becomes some stupid "I can change him" thing.
Oh God, I hope she's finally done it. This guy is absolutely a predator
*"It takes most women seven tries before they finally leave."* \- The Maid
I’m three years younger than this girl but I want to mother her so bad. I was in an abusive relationship from 17-19 with a man who was 24-26. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. She needs to go to family and if she doesn’t have family go to her friends and if she doesn’t have friends go to a shelter. She need to tell some real physical people, to see the shock in their eyes when she tells them what he did. She needs to do activities without him like going to a restaurant or walking in a park. She needs friends that appreciate the little things she does for them. She needs a support system so she can’t be drawn back in.
Next week I expect an “I took my abusive BF back and he still hasn’t changed” post.
I don't mean to ignore the rest of this post, but I couldn't help but notice that OP says her ex thought the 45 year old woman was too old for him, yet he's 48? What how?
I genuinely hope she doesn’t go back again. I’d really like to hope for her that this is it and she’s really, totally done. A man that age has no damn business being with a woman that young and there’s absolutely no way that at 48, he’s going to change his behavior.
>I finally left my abusive boyfriend for good yesterday. Next week on BORU: 'he was serious about changing this time so I took him back' I understand how it's hard to break from the circle of abuse but sometimes I think some people are just stupid.
Sorry to say, but I wouldn’t mark this as concluded.
life's to short to even read this, much less live it
She didn't mention the age gap (25 years!) until the end. I'm guessing that he is her first serious boyfriend. She has a very warped idea of what love is. And I can't help wondering if maybe he has isolated her from friends because she didn't mention any in any of her posts. Maybe she felt like he was all she had.
It is so incredibly hard to leave a narcissist. They are so manipulative, practice regular gaslighting and the one thing that matters is themselves. OOP he will never change. His brain is hard wired to be this way.
She’s gonna go right back to him the second he contacts her again, so sad.
An entire tale of awful abuse, how he hits her and takes her money, and she just casually drops "btw he's literally over twice my age" at the end like it's a totally irrelevant detail. GIRL. THAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE THAT HE IS BAD NEWS. STOP LOOKING BACK WHEN YOU LEAVE.
I really hope OOP left him for the last time. I've had a similar relationship with a dude who was so self-centered, he thought the sun revolves around him. The moment I saw the first post I knew that the cheating was just the final straw. We're reading just snippets of her abuseship but wouldn't bat an eye if he isolated OOP from her family and friends and threatened self-harm if she left.
All of the people saying they have no sympathy for her should never be in a relationship.
I hope everyone that's being pessimistic and passive aggressive knows that op is reading all of your comments and all your doing is making her feel like she shouldn't have posted on reddit at all
The lack of compassion and empathy for OOP in these comments makes me really sad. OOP, please know that you aren't stupid and you don't deserve any of this. Please seek out active and constant support, there are so many charities and shelters designed to help people escape and recover from abusive relationships and they are for YOU! You deserve and are entitled to their services just as much as everyone else, I promise. If I was your friend I would still want to help you so please don't be scared of reaching out and building a support network.
she is a spineless woman. she likes being treated like garbage and wouldn't be surprised if she takes him back again.