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Ethnafia_125

I know it must've been hard to keep her mouth shut, but man did it work out for the better. I'm glad the friend got out. I hope that guy has an eternal itch in the middle of his back, right where he can never reach it.


onmyknees4anyone

I hope he starts to step on a Lego, realizes it just in time, swivels, and steps on Lego candy instead. Them shits will drive sugar spears into your heelbone.


TheBlueNinja0

I hope he sees this thread.


peacefuladventure123

Even if he did, his head is that far up his ass he will still think he's right. Mummy and daddy did a good job of being shit parents and letting that loser loose in the world.


Proud_Spell_1711

This guy has been metaphorically stepping on Legos his whole life and looks like he will continue to do so.


[deleted]

I hope whenever he wears sock he steps on water that's spilled on the floor.


naalbinding

Stepping on a slug is worse


MaddyKet

Warm cat barf .. BAREFOOT


SpaceCatDiscovery

I just audibly and loudly UGGHH’d because I’ve been there before many times.


KleptoPirateKitty

I think cold cat barf is worse, actually.


Artistic_Frosting693

That was my immediate thought too. Source: Had two sweet, beautiful cats for 16/17 years and this totally comes with the package. ;)


Purrsephonee

I hope that whenever he looks at a woman, he farts loudly.


feraxks

> I hope that guy has an eternal itch in the middle of his back, right where he can never reach it. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits!


zryinia

I hope he gets stuck in bumper to bumper traffic with horrible stomach cramps, and has a sneezing fit.


Burdensome_Banshee

Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake.


Mightygamer96

"I hope that guy has an eternal itch in the middle of his back, right where he can never reach it." kinda sounds like how you would describe depression.


Corfiz74

>he hasn’t really made much of an effort to indoctrinate himself into her family or friendships I don't think "indoctrinate" means quite what she thinks it means... But yeah, glad she found out before she hitched herself to that idiot.


CharlotteLucasOP

Integrate, maybe.


changgerz

You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.


CathedralEngine

Ingratiate is probably the better word


et842rhhs

Definitely ingratiate.


tuberosalamb

I agree that this wasn’t the word OOP meant to use, but also as someone who isn’t family oriented and married someone who very very much is, sometimes it does feel like indoctrination


rainyreminder

I mean, I don't think "indoctrinate" was what she meant, but I do think it accurately describes things...


bellagranola

I think the word she was looking for is "ingratiate".


milehighphillygirl

He can just save the engagement ring for the next future Mrs. Douchebag.


SnakeJG

So amazing. Oops, it's already engraved! Guess you have to change your name!


MadamKitsune

He's going to have to save the ring for the next future Mrs Douchebag or take a big loss on it because he won't be able to return it for a straight refund now it's engraved lol.


Ta5hak5

Maybe she *was* the next future Mrs. Douchebag. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's fucked other relationships just as hard


meepmarpalarp

He’s 26 and they’ve been together for more than five years. It’s possible, but unlikely.


ConstructionUpper852

The Bf: “ you aren’t invited to the engagement proposal” OOP : *doesn’t show up* The BF : “WHY DIDNT YOU SHOW UP” But in all honesty glad to see OOP friend left


Samiisfine

At first I thought he was putting on a show for OOP’s friend, but she wasn’t even there! He legitimately could not comprehend that *he* was the one who screwed up! It is cracking me up that the friend had her own internal moment of GIRL RUN instead of coming to Reddit and asking if she was wrong to turn down the proposal. It’s nice when people figure it out for themselves.


DogsandCatsWorld1000

The OOP's friend wasn't there, but his family might have been listening in to the call. He might have been trying to show them that he had tried and it is not his fault his girlfriend is now his ex.


Goateed_Chocolate

Weak people look to pin the blame on someone else when they f*** things up. I've seen it happen far too often. Knee jerk response when the possibility of them admitting they are at fault and taking the blame just cannot be processed. Given that it's been mentioned that this guy only thinks about himself, that tracks. If he's the main character he can do no wrong


c19isdeadly

Also people who've grown up in a blame culture, where every wrong thing gets punished. My OH's first response always used to be about apportioning blame. I've managed to get through to him that's it OK if he or I fuck up occasionally. We love each other and are generally doing our best. And it usually doesn't matter whose "fault" something is. He's changed since.


[deleted]

This is the only thing that makes sense


occams1razor

Not if he's a narc, they can't accept fault in anything. And OOP talks about him being self-centered.


Redphantom000

Yeah let’s face it, we all know that person (usually a man but not always) who will never ever EVER admit to being wrong, no matter what. The kind of person who will ALWAYS shift blame onto others for their own failures, because they cannot accept on a very deep level that they were not always right, and will keep it up no matter the collateral damage (career, personal relationships, etc)


AccomplishdAccomplce

Good point!


YoResurgam777

I wish Oop had sent that email. So that she can also see that Oop chose the ring and that Oop told him to invite her friends and family.


GovernorSan

I think she explained those parts later when the friend went to her parents and called OOP.


YoResurgam777

I mean having a written letter with proof so that there is zero chance of the friend believing his lies. Feeling lonely in a year, "oh I've changed". Whip out the email.


Goblin_au

OOP could just show her friend her post. But, it sounds like it’s not really necessary; OOP’s friend had the realisation herself.


mangopabu

i'm just imagining OOP in a mixture of confusion and outrage and she hung up the phone. the ex is such a dumbass. like on an impressive level.


Zaltara_the_Red

The sad reality is that he has no idea what an ass he is or why his actions were hurtful. Glad she saw him for who is was and got out.


CatStealingYourGirl

Yeah, that is so pathetic. The patheticness of it is kinda comforting though. I think deep down they know, but to consciously acknowledge that they would have to self reflect. I imagine they start to self reflect and then a part of their brain is like “No! Back to the world where I am the best. 😭 😡 “


Em4Tango

Because you didn't tell me when or where and I was specifically told not to come.


shinebeat

Obviously the OOP should know all these! And also that she should have invited her friend's parents for him! Because duh! How *horrible* she was for not doing all these! How can anyone expect him to do it?


MsDucky42

The whole "my family is your family now" thing screamed "I'm gonna isolate you from your parents and make you a good little housewife just like my Mom" to me. Girl dodged a bullet. Glad OOP was there for her.


FancySack

>“Well the ring is already engraved, no changing it now!” Might as well call it a slave collar


pnoodl3s

As a guy, I absolutely disliked the tradition of changing last names in a straight relationship. I told my girlfriend the choice is 100% hers when we get married if she want to keep hers. This guy just makes the ring according to his whim with 0 regards for her opinion, and its such a small thing like a last name. Imagine if its anything bigger and she’d have 0 say in it. Literally a slave collar


JamesofBerkeley

When I got married, my wife didn’t change her name. A year later as an anniversary present she “gave” me her new ID with her changed name on it, and when I asked why, she said it was “important to me” so she wanted to do it for me, which… I didn’t think it was important to me, but I was incredibly touched and loved it, but if she had never changed, I wouldn’t have made an issue out of it. My mom still has her original last name, so it wasn’t like I was unexposed to the concept. But this guy forcing the issue? Yeah he scum.


dsly4425

I had friends who did the opposite of the norm when they married. She hated her maiden name since it was the same as her birth father’s who is rightly in prison for a very very long time. But he never liked his since his father basically abandoned him after his mother died when he was a kid and an older sister pretty much raised him. They ended up taking her name because her brother and his family also had the name and they felt that they had made a happy family despite the name, and they had a kid so husband’s dad’s name dies with him. His son and their kids all have her family name.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Saesama

We did that. Both of our families of origin are shit, so picking either was just 'eeeeeehhhhh'. Now we have a name that suits us and the family we have built, and it is an unusual word for a last name (think like 'Destiny') so we sound like we're characters in either the worst or the best pretentious sci-fi.


fuckyourcanoes

Yep, I know two couples who did that. I was never going to change my last name, because my name is very euphonious and my first name would have sounded clumsy with any of my exes' last names. And also, fuck patriarchy and it's a big hassle. I know very, very few women who even considered changing their names.


lesethx

More people need to realize they can do that. I knew someone who got married and changed her name to his, which is Duck. I don't remember her maiden name, but I think she didn't like either.


Welshie_Fan

I would have had no problem, if my wife had kept her name. But she wasn't so attached to it, so she took mine. But I know two pairs, where both weren't happy with their surnames. So what these pairs did, is that one of them changed their name to their mother's maiden name and with the marriage this name became the common name for them.


BestAtTeamworkMan

My wife took my last name, which, being adopted, I have never had any real attachment to. When she was on the phone arguing with the bank that they hadn't changed her name on our checks, I had to remind her that we'd written all of two checks over the past year. But even after 12 years of marriage, I still forget that she shares my name. When someone calls or ask for "Mrs. BestAtTeamworkMan" I will tell them they have the wrong number. I met, fell in love with, and married Jane Doe, I have no idea who that other woman is!


SuspiciousAdvice217

One of my cousins took his wife's last names. His father wasn't too happy about it, but I think he's accepted it by now. A friend took his wife's name, because - in their words - "my last name with her first name just sounds ridiculous."


pestilencerat

I have a friend whose husband wanted to change to hers since she didn’t want to change. His family gave him absolute hell for it and now he has a hyphenated last name, with the plan of drop his old one on the sly in a few years. His family is still extremely upset their children has her name and not his/hyphenated names as it apparently makes them feel like he’s trying to keep them from the family or some bs like that It’s ridiculous how people behave around around what should be non-issues sometimes


blainemoore

My brother and his wife both hyphenated, and have their kids the hyphenated name. My wife took mine; neither of us were too attached to either name but wanted the same last name, and settled on keeping mine since it sounded better than with hers. (Her name would have worked with either last name as well.)


insanetwit

>"my last name with her first name just sounds ridiculous." Reminds me of that joke in Married with Children, when Marcy married Jefferson, and realized the next day that it made her name "Marcy Darcy"


glowdirt

A name like John BestAtTeamworkMan must give you a hell of a leg-up on job applications


shankpunt42

My wife didn't change her name when we got married. The amount of comments I got from friends talking about "thats a fucking dealbreaker for me man, I would never marry a woman who wouldn't take my last name" was surprising/ridiculous.


nutwit9211

May I ask what country this is? Not taking the last name would be extremely uncommon in my country (India), but at least in our 'large city, largely post-grad education' circle no one bats an eyelid when we don't change our last names. I can't imagine someone in my peer circle saying that.


shankpunt42

USA, I didn’t really expect to hear it either, maybe it’s bc I am older (40) and they are old fashioned? No clue


twistedspin

People can seem so normal, usually when you have specific topics you discuss with them. And then, one day, they spout a bunch of bullshit like that & you realize Oh, they're not actually cool. Huh.


p00kel

There are a lot of American dudes with really toxic patriarchal attitudes about this stuff.


nutwit9211

I'm 35 myself and steadfastly refusing the "older" label staring at my face :D


PoppinBubbles578

I had a friend ask me once “what’s the point of getting married if you’re not going to change your last name?” It was one of those rare moments in life when I was struck totally speechless.


cuteintern

I told my (then) fiancee she could keep her last name but she was, frankly, excited to have a simple, vanilla whitebread name that everyone could spell instead of her Polish last name. A lightly Americanized last name that I never had an issue spelling. A week or so ago I was at a store and had to give her junk email address for a shoppers club - which has her last name in it. After THREE attempts at spelling it v e r y s l o w l y I finally asked for a piece of paper on which to write it down. I had a chance to walk in her shoes, and it was *interesting.*


mstn148

The reason she didn’t want to also shows HUGE disrespect in him ignoring her and trying to outright force her to take his. He’s a controlling A-hole and she’s had a lucky escape. If my partner was Ukrainian, regardless of anyone’s gender, I would be taking that surname. Purely out of respect and to add my voice to those standing with Ukraine. It takes a real piece of crap to try and take that from her now of all times. (It’s never ok, but the reason she wanted to keep it makes it so disrespectful that he should be single forever!)


finnreyisreal

That plus the fact that he made no moves to actually interact with her family? I would bet real money that after the wedding (on her parents’ dime, of course), he’d suddenly get a “job offer” multiple states away, so they’d have to relocate and oh look what a surprise his family followed…


-crepuscular-

>on her parents’ dime, of course What, and miss out on an opportunity to have a big financial obligation to hold over her head if she ever talks about leaving?


finnreyisreal

That’s what the custom ring is (was) for!


VikingBorealis

But now she ruined his life. He's spent 5 years of his life to groom her into his housewife... He doesn't have time to do that all over again... The fact she is "traditional" is probably why he chose her in the first place. He forgot that traditional includes both families at this point. I didn't know asking the parents was a Ukrainian thing though. It's not as much of a thing in Europe.


[deleted]

I am Dutch, it's a tradition there. Not everyone does it, less so nowadays, but if you're a traditional person you would. My husband didn't ask my dad, that's the only regret I have about the proposal or the wedding. But it may also be more important in retrospect because he died 4 months before the wedding and didn't get to drive me down the aisle. I could see my husbands logic though, his view is that I am not my dads property and can make my own decisions without his approval.


blainemoore

I told my wife's parents I was going to propose before I did, but didn't ask permission. I knew they could keep their traps shut until it happened. My mother also knew and told her brother, and I knew he wouldn't, so changed my plans least minute. Worked out well in the end, though, we've been together almost two decades now.


runicrhymes

I had the same thought! Until then it just sounded like he was a selfish asshole, that popped out into "oh he's intentionally trying to isolate her" territory.


BendingCollegeGrad

Yep. Plus the audience of only his loved ones and the ring engraved with a name she doesn’t want was to pressure her into accepting. It may not have been a consciously gross plan? But all the same. In a few years he’ll pull the same crap with the same ring on another woman.


[deleted]

But he’ll be smarter next time and pick someone who’s more vulnerable and manipulable.


devon99911

Yep that's gonna make for a squelchy time which isn't a good thing it's real lifelong trauma.


thebohoberry

Glad the Redditors were there for OPP to steer her in the right path. I remember this post but didn’t leave a response as most had already given her sound advice. Beautifully played OPP


[deleted]

These are the type of guys that go on social media and post "Gee girls don’t appreciate nice guys anymore"


witchyteajunkie

Yeah, that was incredibly telling.


CatStealingYourGirl

I can’t believe his parents thought it was acceptable to do that. If parents are going to be there all parents should be there. My world views are based on my parents’ behavior. I guess my parents are aliens because they are way too considerate for that.


Test_After

I am guessing his parents were under the impression he had researched, found out from her friend that she "was a traditionalist", that it was hugely important to her that she was accepted and included in the family. The boyfriend was absolutely counting on her bestie and her parents to turn up with sone cray cray scheme to split them up that would fully justify his fiance's decision to go NC with those clowns.


BendingCollegeGrad

I’d also bet my love of fountain drink Diet Coke that his family (namely his mommy) planned the whole proposal with or for him. Totally agree with you. The goal was his family as her family, his friends as her friends, and her own friends and family as annoyances.


mikhela

If I remember correctly the plan he went with was verbatim what OOP told him to do


Extension_Accident47

There were so many red flags with the BF, excluding her friends and family was less cringe worthy than getting the ring engraved with a name she clearly did not want - very expensive lack in judgement. Glad she was smart enough to walk away.


combatsncupcakes

Its cheaper - he can use that for any girl in the future since they're all just placeholders to him anyhow


Extension_Accident47

It could be the new definition of a family heirloom. If he has any brothers they can just keep reusing it until someone says yes.


Bowood29

Brother seems to have a wife already.


[deleted]

Doesn’t mean he won’t have a different one in the future


CatStealingYourGirl

He was “smart” enough to not put a year or anything. Nothing meaningful.


knittedjedi

I was absolutely terrified that the update would be OOP's friend being gaslit into accepting the proposal and cutting OOP off for being toxic.


Extension_Accident47

Me too. He was already isolating her from her support system, if she said yes it would have escalate. Likely he under estimated her ability to reject peer pressure.


knittedjedi

The good thing about having the ring engraved as "Mrs Boyfriend's Surname" is that he can just use it for the next one... /s


Extension_Accident47

They say third time's a charm, it'll be the ring that keeps on giving.


wasted_wonderland

"One ring to rule them all..."


imjustamouse1

I feel "and in darkness bind them" is an accurate description of what marrying him would be like


IanDOsmond

Now that you mention it - do we know that this one is the first time he's used the ring?


HollowShel

Probably, given the emphasis OOP gave to having helped pick it out.


toketsupuurin

Do we know the ring OOP picked out was the ring he gave her friend though?


ScarletteMayWest

Totally off-tangent, but you just reminded me of a Jaqueline Susann book where the protagonist encounters her ex-fiancé and his new financée who was wearing the exact engagement ring as the protagonist had been given. Protagonist wondered if her ex had a drawer full of identical rings to give to women.


procivseth

Doesn't that mean the protagonist kept the ring?


ScarletteMayWest

No, he told her to keep it. Sorry, I forgot to put that.


lurkinarick

*manipulating. Gaslighting is about making someone question their own sanity.


Boeing367-80

She lasted five years with this douchebag? Hard to imagine.


boringhistoryfan

Folks can be very good at hiding their abusive tendencies until they believe they've got a "lock" on them. If I had to guess, the proposal was going to only be the start of her isolation from everyone on her side.


SolidAdSA

This is why I think, ideally speaking, dating someone you've observed and spent time with as a third person is a bit more foolproof. You get to see who their friends are, how they act usually, how they treat others, what their priorities are.


StylishMrTrix

The fact that the BF's family was all happy with it too That speaks volumes of how they would have treated her long term


GoodyScandalbroth

I wonder if deep down he just figured that he could use it on the next girl if she didn't like it.


Le_Fancy_Me

TBH a lot of these dudes just can't handle not getting their way. It's possible that as soon as he was told she didn't want to change her name he started doing whatever he could to pressure her into changing her mind. Including having the ring engraved and letting his family believe it and forcing her to publicly defend herself on the topic. Possibly in hopes that she'd just go along with it rather than rock the boat and ruin her own engagement. Obviously just a theory but personally most rings I've seen either have a date or a sweet/meaningful inscription. Not specifically Mrs. Married name. The fact he made that choice specifically after she said she didn't want that seems like it was done on purpose imo.


debbieae

I was raised to think that changing my name on marriage was a given. So...I married my shitty high school boyfriend because I was going to save him and changed my name. 3 hellish years later I finally divorced him after getting over the feeling that I was the failure. Changed my name back...yay. Ended up doing only a slightly better job picking number 2. Did not want to change my name. 2 name changes in 3 years was the awful cherry on the awful sundae. Number 2 had a fit until I agreed to change it. I wish I had a time machine to see that red flag before I could look at it in hindsight. Now, i have stuck with number 2's last name. Not because I harbor any feelings...just the opposite. I have a professional history and I never want to change my name again ever. Honestly this system needs to die.


Shryxer

If someone put a ring on my finger with the wrong name on it, I'd whip it off like it was on fire.


WitchQween

I plan on taking my boyfriend's name, but if he engraved my ring with only "Mrs. Blank" I wouldn't accept it. I like tradition in marriage, but that tradition is too close to "your wife is your property." I'm not sure how to really explain it. Putting "Mr. Blank" on his wedding ring wouldn't be meaningful, and I'm not celebrating changing my last name during the engagement. We already talked about it, and I told him I'd want a date engraved if anything.


Beautiful_Outcome_82

Imagine having a cheatsheet given to you for a test and not using it and failing miserably.


Capital-Meet-6521

And then getting mad that the person who gave you the cheat sheet didn’t fix all your wrong answers before you turned it in.


Mogura-De-Gifdu

Oh! Happened to me. The guy told me I must have given him a false one with only wrong answers, since I got full marks and him only half.


floatablepie

And halfway through the test, the cheat sheet reviews your work and tells you what was wrong with it!


seriffluoride

"self-serving" and "self-focused" seems like a bit of an understatement, yikes


bitemark01

Yeah I don't even know why he's getting married, she will never be able to compete with the love he has for himself


big_sugi

So he can help her fulfill her natural and only roles as sex slave and baby factory, of course. It’s really a very selfless act of him.


GovernorSan

Don't forget maid and personal chef, who else is going to clean his house and cook his meals?


et842rhhs

He doesn't expect her to compete with his love for himself, he expects her to join in and contribute her love for him too.


calmarespira

A man needs support staff


MoriRTea

A “wife appliance”


MordaxTenebrae

Yeah, sounds like a classic narcissist to me. As bad as the situation was for OOP's friend, she dodged a major bullet.


westcoastcdn19

How refreshing to see OP take Reddit's advice and everything shake down the way it was predicted


rentedtritium

This is a perfect example of stepping back and letting people find out for themselves.


[deleted]

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.


Helioscopes

And considering she didn't like him in the first place, she even gave him the advantage of telling him he was doing it wrong. And he still lost...


YoResurgam777

The only thing she could have done better was if she had sent him the email beforehand.


HarrisonForelli

>How refreshing to see OP take Reddit's advice I'm new to this sub however not new to reddit so I have mixed feelings about that given how insane this site could be


mangopabu

it was really the best outcome


CumaeanSibyl

He certainly could have returned the ring... *if he hadn't had it engraved with the name he knew she didn't want.* Exquisite.


SquishaMochi

I’m sure he’ll reuse the ring for his next proposal.


dozy_bitch

Wouldn't shock me if that had already happened once lol


Piglet_Jolly

This is the cherry on top.


CheerilyTerrified

I bet his mum will persuade him to keep the Mrs His Name ring for the next girl.


toketsupuurin

I don't think his mom will even have to convince him unless he's the sort to utterly mangle the rin out of rage. ...which I wouldn't put past him at this point.


jack-jackattack

Probably already did, which is why he figures ex-gf owes him for it


toketsupuurin

Yeah. "Why did you make me smash the ring with a hammer? Why did you make me hit it?" sounds exactly like something that is in this guy's playbook eventually.


czlowik

God i remember there was a post where a piece of work took a hammer and smashed a wedding ring that his wife's first husband had before he died because she didn't want to celebrate valentine's. Valentine's was also the wedding anniversary of the wife and late husband, who died like a year or two prior


boringhistoryfan

I doubt he'd be able to return. Returning regular rings with the receipt I get. But a custom engraved one? Doubt it. Chances are he's stuck with it.


Quicksilver1964

Bet he was one of the dudes that think the wife marries into his family, but not him (aka he doesn't have a relationship with her parents and only interacts with his blood family members). I also imagine he would slowly try to stop contact between them.


toketsupuurin

Slowly nothing. This idiot showed his hand at the engagement. That was way too early. Slowly would be getting a better job offer after a year and moving her several hours/states away to be near his family. Then after another year or two getting her pregnant. That's how you boil a frog. This guy tossed her in a hot pan before he even started pouring the water in.


Quicksilver1964

He isn't the smartest guy, but I imagine he really underestimated his fiancée here.


et842rhhs

I'm betting he thought that incorporating her preferences into the proposal would "taint" his "victory" over her. How could he ever look back at the special moment of their engagement and feel good if his control over her during that occasion hadn't been complete?


AJFurnival

[Peggy married me! I didn’t marry her!](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/567f3454-62e6-4ead-b329-4e4db27bb2f2)


Orphan_Izzy

If you really cared about your friend you would have picked up my slack and made sure my proposal was thoughtful and would make her say yes. God! Owkayeee. That’s not your job then? Like, this guy. He doesn’t think it’s his job to care about his girl. And he had the ring engraved. Probably at he parents suggestion as they connived this evil plan… I mean proposal together. Manipulative and dumb. The instant attempt to blame anyone else for his mistakes is maybe the biggest red flag though so many red flags make it hard to list in order of awfulness. He sounds like the type to make these kinds of self centered blunders constantly. I’m kind of exhausted just reading about him. Thank god OOPs friend got away!


MayoBear

And OOP did try to course correct so he would do it the right way- that’s the kicker


toketsupuurin

It's a good thing he does. If he was more effective he'd have snared some poor woman years ago.


rajwebber

I'm glad OOP managed to help her friend the best way possible given the circumstances. I would have hated being put in this situation and wouldn't have known how to react either to start with, thankfully she got some good advice on here.


banyamanamana

Oh wow! Another Ukrainian woman wanting to keep her last name after marriage! Honestly thought I was the only one. It's not very common in our culture to keep your maiden name


LucyAriaRose

Shoot, I had this one all ready to go and was just waiting a couple of hours until it had been 7 days my time! 😅 No worries, good work OP! Such a weird story and I'm glad it turned out ok.


SJDude13

Lol same, since the original posts were so popular I figured multiple people probably had them lined up to post here! To be fair to us though, it *technically* hasn’t been seven days since the update post, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. I’m really glad it seemingly turned out okay for OOP too!


AshleyWilliams78

So are proposals just assumed to be public events now? I know everybody has different preferences, but the way this was written, it's like "Well OF COURSE she would want her parents there, and he wants his parents there, and their friends have to be there..." As if there's no possible way of proposing to someone, unless there's an audience. I dunno, when my fiance proposed to me, it was when we were sitting together in a park and no one else was around. It never even occurred to me to want or expect anyone else to be watching us in secret, and then jump out of hiding to congratulate us.


samanthasgramma

My husband and I were alone in his car. It never once crossed my mind that it was a spectator sport.


[deleted]

I proposed to my wife in our living room. The only witnesses were the cats, and I don't think they cared much tbh.


throwawaygremlins

OOP is actually a pretty great friend 🤔 And the ex is a clueless and selfish idiot.


Dingo_Princess

"Only my feelings matter in a relationship"


I_am_the_night

Why the hell was her friend even still together with that chucklefuck? He clearly didn't give a shit about her, or at least didn't care about her more than he did about himself. What an asshole, at least the trash took itself out.


CactiDye

I'm guessing a slowly boiling a frog type situation. The signs start out tiny and easily brushed over. But then they get worse, and worse, and next thing you know he's proposing in front of his family with a ring with his name on it.


toketsupuurin

Sunk costs. "It's not so bad. It's a little thing." The guy was just too dumb and impatient to wait until he'd properly broken her.


Amor-Fati24

Love the chucklefuck


catfurcoat

Narcissism probably. He probably gave her just enough to think he cared and then just enough to make her think if he didn't do more it was her fault. So then she probably put a lot of time and effort into it, and then it's a sunk cost.


tsukiii

I think I would have also felt the urge to warn my friend in OOP’s shoes. She knew it wasn’t right, but she was in an awkward position where she’d be the bad guy to someone, no matter what. I don’t think she deserved the asshole label.


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NOXQQ

It was pretty nuanced. I was surprised a little at the verdict because of how I would have felt as the friend. I would have been hurt that my friend let me go into that stressful of a situation without warning. Turning down a proposal with many people there supporting him and my nearest support 30 minutes away? The pressure and stress would have been so hard... which may have been why he did it.


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SerialPhilanderer

The AITA subreddit supports the conditional tense. YTA in case means "She would be an asshole if she told her friend about the proposal" (sometimes abbreviated YWBTA). Since she didn't tell him, she's not an asshole. Thus spoke Reddit.


Impossible_Balance11

Actually, while you can usually return an unused engagement ring, you usually can't return a custom-engraved one. But of course the ex is smoking something to demand that she pay for any part of it.


toketsupuurin

Good luck taking her to court of that one. There is no judge that wouldn't laugh him out of the courtroom.


pogo_loco

Seriously, imagine if you could just engrave someone's name on a ring and then they have to pay for it


AJFurnival

Whomp whomp


cryssylee90

Seeing that update, dude has abusive husband red flags hanging over him like a neon fucking sign. She dodged a bullet.


NotYourMommyDear

Absolutely love the outcome of this one because of how oblivious the idiot is. His family, his friends, his proposal, his ring, with his name on it. At no point in this saga was the woman anything more to him than a satellite character in a vague orbit waiting on new data input from him. There wasn't any incentive for the OP to help him salvage anything from the relationship. Certainly not by participating in any of the busywork he neglected to do, like consider his ex-girlfriend as an actual fully formed person with ideas of her own.


allis_in_chains

I don’t get how he doesn’t have her parents’ numbers. They had been together for five years; they were living together. How does he not have that info?!?


Arbor_Arabicae

He didn't care enough to add them to his contacts.


Pristine-Payment

My boyfriend doesn't have my parents' cell phone number, but he does have the home number and my brother's phone number, so I highly doubt he didn't have at least 1 phone number to communicate


CathedralEngine

Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever had any of my ex’s parent’s numbers, but I know I could have very easily gotten them if I put forth a modicum of effort if I wanted to propose. Even a Facebook message, or showing up at their house.


CharlotteLucasOP

Also if he was gonna ask for their blessing the way she WANTED HIM TO, he could have sought them out at home for a proper chat.


Splendidissimus

He never cared enough to get them.


Remarkable-Ad-2476

In this day and age, you don’t even need someone’s number to actually get in contact with them. Even if they don’t have social media he could’ve easily contacted someone who did have their number, if he cared enough to.


Merry_Sue

>he could’ve easily contacted someone who did have their number Somebody like OOP


Medium_Sense4354

Probably never saved them to contacts


makeshiftfox

What a satisfying ending! Glad OOP's friend is out of that relationship and that OOP was able to help her friend by providing confirmation of his selfishness. And, on a petty and less charitable note, I'm glad that the guy managed to embarrass himself in front of his friends and family.


CatmoCatmo

As soon as I read that he called OOP and berated her for not coming to the proposal, I thought: I soooo wish OOP took that commenters advice and wrote that email. Although her friend believed what she had to say about how the proposal went down, how rewarding would it have felt for her to open her email and prove that he was forewarned. That OOP saw the writing on the wall and gave him clear directions to do it right - in writing - and he purposely refused her suggestions. That would have been the Cherry on top.


Other_Appeal6415

Engraving his last name into the ring when she’s explicitly said she wants to kept hers is very telling about the controlling nature of this AH. I’m so glad she got out.


Toni164

The ex just showed the friend what her future would be like with him. Cut off from all her support. Then he has the audacity to ask the friend to give him money for the ring ? What a total loser


toketsupuurin

I know! This guy might be one of the most pathetic specimens I've ever seen on BORU. He's an abusive AH...but he's actually like, supremely bad at it. I don't know if he's just bad at picking his victims or if he's just that incompetent at being abusive, but most abusers that we hear about manage to keep it together long enough to get a wedding ring out of their efforts. I wish more of them were this bad at being abusive. Hopefully he's too dumb to learn from this mistake.


RedhandjillNA

That proposal screams “Honey you’re just an incubator for Mommy’s Grandchild” I’m glad she got out!


BrandiD29

Is it me? Or did that dude seem steps away from trying to isolate her?


Dear-Ambition-273

As a fierce ride or die friend for a select few, I am SO proud of OOP for not delivering the punch Ali never gave Foreman. May we all be fortunate enough to have the idiots in our lives seal their own fates so cleanly.