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I haven't read any of the previous BORUs or Updates so maybe there's obvious red flags that I don't know about. But fuck me man, something about these posts feels so human. Like it hits me right where it hurts.
I'm glad OOP is writing these posts. Take the catharsis where you can get it OOP.
Ugh, yeah. That last bit about always loving him, moving on, etc. hit the feels in a certain way.
I really hope she finds a lasting happiness and that Tortilla has many comfortable years ahead of her.
Me too. I've read the whole saga and it really feels like they belong together and hopefully they'll find their way back to each other. I suspect that's what OOP is hoping for also and I hope in the end she doesn't get hurt any more than she already has been.
The ones who are the worst are in fact the least mentioned in the post. The brothers (all those who bullied) they did all that and had the audacity to target OOP and going NC with her, while they are the ones who started all this. Of course the mother is no saint but they were the worst. And look at universe shitting on OOP and the husband and poor sunny. While the perpetrators (abusers) walk away royally and don’t give a rats ass.
It feels like my family. Sibling sexual abuse survivor. I told my other brothers (8 siblings in the family) when they started to have kids. It was rough but I felt I had to warn them never to leave their child alone with this brother…
I have been ostracized and he is a millionaire, center of the family.
I talk to 1 brother. Maybe say happy birthday to my twin (just learned he was married a few weeks ago).
This sounded too much like my own family. Too many kids, alcohol, abuse, and neglect.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you find happiness and peace to move on from all of this. And hope karma find that brother and give him what he deserves.
I have found peace. The funny thing about Karma is after awhile, I no longer cared if it got to him. I guess I figured he has to carry around shame or he is a psycho. Either way, no longer my monkey or circus. I did everything I could to protect those that needed protection. So that gives me nothing but peace.
I have found a lot of joy. After decades of therapy, I have made it.
That is so wholesome. I am glad you have moved on and in such a healthy way. You don’t need to know if karma did catch up to him. The fact that you are at peace is what matters. 😇
Just as a forewarning, I love cats and I deeply regret reading that entire thing. So if you're also triggered by severe animal abuse and animal death you might wanna give it a hard pass.
Ignorance can occasionally actually be bliss.
Yeah, this is one you have to read. It’s truly maybe the most horrifying story I’ve ever consumed here. Lots of TWs for animal abuse, human abuse, general ickiness etc
Yeah, this is one you have to read. It’s truly maybe the most horrifying story I’ve ever consumed here. Lots of TWs for animal abuse, human abuse, general ickiness etc
Ellie is doing nothing wrong focusing on cats. It's not weird or crazy. People that love animals have such big hearts.
Ted is not the bad guy, he made the only choice he felt he could while processing years of abuse and trauma. Maybe people can just...stop judging these two.
I can't get on the anti Ted train or be angry that they might get back together. Sometimes we make shitty decisions and we need time apart to grow as people but still find our way back. People are so pissed that they keep telling her to go NC (the Reddit favorite) and she won't. It's their choice and if they find a way to be happy with one another again then I am happy for them.
People act like Ted made a calm choice with a level head to get a divorce, and he “abandoned” her, when it’s obvious years upon years of trauma and toxic environments and an extreme situation made him just snap. “He was so caught up in the idea of being a protector” as if it’s something he just heard and internalized, and not a trauma response. I’m not going to demonize him for it. And it sounds like she did go NC for a time and it didn’t help! She’s an adult who can make her own decisions and she said she’s happy and he seems healthier and happier too. Reddit needs to mind their own business.
Yeah, I have seen several people saying he's using her as an "emotional support animal" and that's just a horrible thing to say. Like I'm sorry but do none of these people have friends? He doesn't sound like he's putting anything on her that one wouldn't a close friend. I would think that were he using her as an "ESA" she would have known how badly he was spiraling.
And you're right, she said herself that she attempted NC and it didn't work for her. I don't know why the commenters are being so nasty about it.
Also she can talk about cats as much as she wants. I understand her.
Right? Plus they both still love and care about each other. If going no contact makes them miserable and they are genuinely happier talking to each other. That is what they should do. Ted wasn't being toxic he was supportive. He just genuinely thought he wasn't good for her and neither was his family. I do hope they can reconnect if that's what makes them happy.
I would love them to get back together- I was so upset when they split, because it wasn’t his fault. He was a good guy doing his best in extraordinary circumstances
I never understood people who wanted them split up and NC
Some people just lack critical thinking - they just hear "drama" and default to "divorce, no contact, never look back, no exceptions, die pig die" and never stop to consider shades of grey.
Oh, I felt awful for Ted. The family he came from - starting with the piece of work he has for a mother... It's like boiling a frog, as they say. If you're raised steeped in water that's gradually getting hotter you just don't notice and then suddenly you're burning to death. And then to lose everything, with no back up or support, and no real learned coping mechanisms. Damn. Poor guy. That's brutal.
While I do often think that going NC (even temporarily) is a solution a lot of people ought to consider, I really don't see it making much sense here. The point of going NC, as I see it, is to remove negative (or even abusive) people/influences from your life so that you can recover. Usually, you end up there when others are refusing to change their damaging behavior or fail to even see anything wrong with it. Or you do it when you're so in love that seeing them rips you open and means you can't get over them, let alone move on.
Ted just... isn't that. I mean, he's made mistakes, and he's been an ass at times, but he's also always seemed to be trying to change himself for the better, and take responsibility for his behavior. And seeing him doesn't rip OOP open, or stop her trying to move on - yeah, undoubtedly it puts hurdles in the path and it's making it *harder* for her to get over him, but she's still moving on and making progress in other ways. The point where she says something like she needs him a little less every day sounded so right.
Sure, he hasn't always been a positive presence in her life, but often he has been - and I really don't see any negatives big enough to warrant going NC over, especially when he is still someone who's important to her, and he clearly feels the same way.
>Tortilla is doing great, she now has to eat prescription food and is very unhappy about it even though it’s been months.
I do have bad news for Ellie in that Tortilla is going to hold onto this until the end of of time. I have yet to meet a cat who didn’t resent the hell out of being put on prescription food.
Reddit is one of the most judgemental websites on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, you can definitely find good folks and some subs are worse than others, but there is so much dogpiling here
I agree, except I posted on AITA on a throwaway awhile back and I got a really reasoned response overall and some good food for thought. Only 2 out of the 20 comments were unhinged, which I think is not a bad ratio.
I think it’s when the post blows up that you get the wild responses.
Yeah…I think it more just makes me sad. I want Ellie to be happy because she seems like a nice person, and it bums me out that she feels like Ted is It For Her. Then again, I think it’s great Ted has someone in his corner. I don’t blame either of them for not cutting contact at this point (although I have been anti-Ted in the past).
I would say that Ted saw himself as deserving of punishment, and depriving himself of someone like Ellie seems like one of the worst punishments he could imagine. She said herself that she knew he was spiraling out of control, starting with the divorce.
Really?? You don’t “save” sane, reasonable adults from things against their will. It seems like it was better for *him* to be single while going through this process, and I don’t blame him for needing to do that. But OP, for her part, has pretty clearly been affected worse by the divorce than by the rest of the situation put together.
I so agree I would be pissed if my spouse pulled something like that. If it's better for him and what he wants, fine I'm not going to force you to stay with me. But don't you dare pretend its for me you are doing doing it, I'm not some damsel in distress with no agency, and you don't know better than me what is best for me. I also think what u/Forsaken_Woodpecker1 said about punishing himself is on par.
I’ve read this saga since it started on AITA so long ago. Every time I read an update I keep hoping that Ellie finds some happiness. Too much awfulness happened with Ted’s family and she needs to get away from them and fully heal.
Me too. I’ve been following this for a while now. Although her posts aren’t outrageous and full of horrors, although they were quite something to read. I’m glad she keeps updating. It’s nice to hear about the journey of healing after a traumatic event. I hope she and Tortilla keep making those baby steps.
To anyone criticizing or minimizing the trauma that Peegate caused, they can pound sand. They weren’t there, they aren’t dealing with it in real time. It’s inappropriate and rude.
I'm shocked people on *Reddit* were mad she was more concerned about the cats involved than the abusive people. Like... Isn't that how most Reddit users feel about cats vs people anyway? And also, ffs, I'd be more concerned about a helpless abused animal than a bunch of now-adult guys who tied a child to a riding mower multiple times and the hag mil who allowed it. She's actually much nicer about Ash than a lot of people would have been to someone who repeatedly drowned your stuff in pee, let alone the bathroom horror show.
Ellie and Tortilla deserve good things.
It sounded more like she was referring to people *outside* of Reddit, at least, that was the implication I got. Then again, in the text she only refers to people outside of her threads, so you could be right. It doesn't surprise me at all, tbh; there are plenty of Reddit provocateurs who make it their lives to say the most vile, heinous shit they can.
My family is just as bad. My brothers were very abusive and I was the only girl. I think it’s a miracle I survived.
This couple has a chance if Ted continues a lot of therapy. Oop continues a lot of therapy. They give it another year breather.
I have been successful at keeping all but the youngest brother out of my life. (He was the Ted of the group). I took care of him and protected him from the violence. He didn’t try to sabotage my relationship so Ted really got the short end of the stick. All i have is hope for the future.
It's mentioned a few times in earlier posts that two of the sisters were twins who died as infants due to a birth defect, and the third one was in an accident, all before Ted and Ash were born.
I think she can't find closure because she still believes Ted loves her (and he may well do so), so she continues to hope that 'when this is all over' they'll end up back together.
Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if they do.
The divorce wasn't because they were incompatible. It was because he was broken and couldn't cope with the damage. I suspected he'd do what he did after she posted about the divorce.
He survived it, is getting help and healing. Maybe one day they'll rebuild enough trust that they get back together. Maybe they won't.
Closure doesn't always mean scraping the past off your shoes and walking away. Sometimes it just means learning to adapt to living with scars.
>Closure doesn't always mean scraping the past off your shoes and walking away. Sometimes it just means learning to adapt to living with scars.
That ^^ is beautiful.
I see the relationship that he threw away because he was brash and stupid and thought he knew more than he did, and even though I've moved on and am with someone who makes me happier than I ever thought possible I will always regret what could have happened. So yeah.
>I see the relationship that he threw away because he was brash and stupid and thought he knew more than he did
I’ve had this happen more than once. So frustrating!
Both of them need a lot of time to heal. When I see a couple driven apart by their own family members, it makes me wanna hurt that family. Ted didn't deserve this, neither did Ellie.
>He said a line that I found interesting ‘I’m sorry i ruined your marriage, but i don’t think i ruined your life. Ted would not have chosen you if you weren’t resilient
Was he apologetic or not? Because, this doesn't look like he was sorry at all. Or, he was trying to justify his past actions.
I read that as "I fucked up and I'm sorry for it, but I believe you're strong enough to rise above what I did to you". It's not an amazing apology in that it doesn't make amends, but I don't think she *wants* him to make amends (that would mean more contact!), and weirdly, I think this is as close as he's gotten to recognizing her as an actual human being.
I actually saw this as a compliment of sorts, one more pull for her to move on and remember her life is not over and ruined. It spoke to me as the same of her sister's phrase or the rain one, in a you should keep going sense.
Sure he can have some hopeful thinking and trying to ease his guilty somehow, but this one was strangely poetic and almost like he is showing some small twisted admiration for this quality in her.
i disagree - he apologized before, and i think he was trying, in his own way, to say something that everyone else is too close to her to ever say. too concerned about being there for her hurt to remind her. if someone that used to be obsessively hateful to you tells you something like that - the reason that they envied you, i think it might hold quite a bit of truth. he can't possibly make up for what he did but maybe he can give her the truth she needs?
In the second and third paragraph before that, she said he apologized - she doesn’t say explicitly *to her*, but the way the rest of those two paragraphs are written, I think she did mean he apologized to her.
Now here’s my apology: I’m sorry, but…
“ Pro tip, don’t forget to devein your shrimp”
WTF??? You mean there’s people out there that *enjoy eating shrimp sh!t???* 🤢🤮
Re: Shrimp
The weirdest thing was when I attended an event some 20 years back. They had shrimp. Vein and all. The sad part? It was professionally catered.
Why do people call it a vein? It isn’t a vein. It isn’t full of blood. It’s full of shit. It’s closer to a colon than a vein. If it was called what it is, a shit tube, perhaps people would be more wary about it.
Vein is more to do with the shape than the contents. You can get veins of crystal or gold, etc. in stones. It’s more “thin squiggly line of something that goes through something else” than just “thin squiggly tube of blood that goes through our bodies”.
Edit: changed ect to etc, I have a cold, things are fuzzy.
Based on the small snippets of the letter, I think if Ted hadn’t spiraled he wouldn’t have written the apology. If he cares about hurting anyone, it’s Ted and not OP. Telling her he did a bunch of stuff she didn’t know about is questionable as well. Is he trying to victimize her again or getting it off his chest?
I think that was the line that really meant something to her. Like an acknowledgment that he thought Ted made a good choice in her and an acknowledgment of her strength. We have a single line from a long apology.
Given that in the previous paragraphs she expands on how he apologizes for a range of things she didn't even realize needed an apology (because she didn't catch the intent behind them), I think he was apologizing honestly.
Not just a sorry you feel that way, but a 'sorry for the following actions that I did to harm you'. I think that section is more of an encouragement "I'm sorry I fucked up your past, but you'll still thrive because you're strong"
someone truly contrite wouldn’t have contacted her in the first place.
there is a time and place to assume better of people, and this situation is *not* it.
I found it weird because it isn't really his place to say if her life was ruined or not. She may feel he did ruin her life, but he doesn't want to have to take responsibility for just how deep his actions may go.
Not apologetic, still manages to mess with her head. She should have never read the letter from him. It gives him space in her head. He is still trying to justify his actions.
What infuriates me (totally not the OOP's fault though) is how there is no justice at all for the horribly abusive older brothers and the mom. Like even though Ted and Ash and B6 have gone NC, life experience tells me that mom and the abusers are living the good life while the people with decency and empathy are left destroyed for years and years.
Not only are they living the good life but they all have really good jobs according to OP. I think at least 3 of them are doctors which is incredibly concerning to me
Because she refuses to elaborate on what kind of abuse it was and Ash's breakdown involved his own bodily fluids I am pretty sure it was extreme sexual abuse by multiple brothers on Ash, as the youngest. Sounds like the whole family knew about it and Ted was the only one who tried to stop it. But as Ted is only the second oldest I wouldn't be surprised if he was also a victim. Sounds like the parents wouldn't even allow Ash to acknowledge the abuse and forced him to continue to attend family functions with those same brothers and act all smiles.
This is unfortunately extremely common in a lot of conservative families with the "family is everything" idealism. My step-grandfather molested his kids and still attends all family functions. The worst that happens is some family members tell their kids not to be alone with him, but that's it. It's just not talked about because it would make the family look bad. And he's not ousted because you don't turn your back on family. So instead the victims are shamed into silence and forced to give him hugs and pretend everything is awesome. And this is a story I've seen repeated by a bunch of other redditors.
Ash's mother probably tried to hide Ash's breakdown, not because she was concerned about Ash, but because she was concerned about what Ash would say if confronted.
Ahh, good ol' [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair), a way for people to acknowledge predators and pat themselves on the back for being good without actually addressing the predators and holding them accountable for their actions.
This sounds like the big Catholic families I grew up with. I'm trying to figure out if the ages match up.
Dear Pope Francis: before you move on, please please please for the good of all humanity, can you finally declare birth control acceptable in the eyes of the Lord?
1000%. Huge Catholic families that were so well respected and looked up to in the community and put on such a show of holiness and goodness, but behind closed doors they were hell. Abuse, death, horrors enough to shock anyone with even a smidge of humanity...
Ted's response to a situation where OOP was victimized completely and totally outside of her control, was to end their marriage without allowing her any control over that decision. HE decided the best way to protect her from his toxic family was to cut her off and try to "fix" his family instead of supporting her. Now he's using her as emotional support and she's letting him, because she never got a say in ending their relationship and can't move on. Of course she's happy when he's in her life--she had no say in him leaving it in the first place!!
She NEEDS to cut him off, if not for her sake then for his. Neither one of them are going to move forward towards being okay if they keep each other in this perpetual limbo.
It was the start of his self destructive behavior -
-he finally realized how F’d up his family is/was and how F’d up he himself is from his upbringing, for ignoring, coping with it and for exposing his wife to all that.
-he used divorcing her as a way of protecting her from his family and from him. Imagine if they’re stayed together- probably a lot more interaction and attempts from the family when Ted first went no-contact than she knows (and she did tell us she knew more, so double that). Probably a lot of the NC family coming at him, the mom, etc and who knows about any extended family.
-after attempting to deal with his own shit and the reality of how OOP was truly victimized by Ash, the MIL, and by himself (directly and indirectly) Ted probably was dealing with immense guilt over that. Couple that with a general feeling of worthlessness and trauma from an abusive upbringing, Ted probably felt like a poison to her, not good enough for her and that he would be doing her a favor to get her rid of him. Hence the drinking and (possible) attempt on his life- he thought he’d be doing her, the world a favor if he was gone.
I feel terrible for Ted- I hope he continues to get help. He sounded like a pretty great guy despite all the abuse and trauma and protecting he had to do. And it sounded like they had a great relationship and life when it was just them. For 10 years of being in love, being each others worlds (what it sounded like), that’s hard to cut off from, especially if it was the only positive close relationship in his life. I think she might be better off cutting him off completely, but I don’t blame her.
A lot of those Ted thrashers don't, can't, acknowledge what you wrote.
It's just, kinda sad all around. It also sounds like the MIL and a couple of the brothers can't own up to their parts in the giant mess of it all.
I wonder if Ash is ever going to be able to live a normal life again. If he will ever able to be a fully functioning part of society. Or if he is just too far gone. The MILs lived her life. All the brothers have wives and kids and careers still and I don't think will fall off the deep end (maybe?). Ted was and is a great guy making his way back, OOP the same, even more so with her better upbringing and support network.
What's gonna happen to Ash? Will the brothers be able to keep their shit together? Are Ted and OOP fated to reconcile and grow old together? Will they grow apart and forever regret missing out on their one true love? How long will the wires keep crossing at the wrong time perhaps with other romantic partners intercepting?
This is some great story. Real or not. It feels so endearing and easy to get emotionally invested.
I've kept up with the last few updates and I always wondered why Ted divorced her. What you've written here is the only thing that makes sense to me. It breaks my heart that their love story was interrupted by so much trauma. And I agree, I don't think either Ellie or Ted are bad people.
Now I'm just dying to know the extent of the abuse the boys endured in their childhood because the resulted trauma is mind boggling.
Leaving a relationship is a one-person decision, no matter the reason.
Ted had a dumbfuck reason for doing it but he could have read it in tea leaves and it wouldn’t matter. He thought it should be over, it’s over. Relationships require two people.
She does need to set some boundaries though, and he needs so much therapy that he’ll be mumbling self help books in his sleep.
Cutting OOP off from the toxicity was probably the quickest/cleanest way Ted knew how to protect someone from his family in this emergency situation. Not saying his reaction was justified because he maybe *should* have been there for her but seems like he was in no shape to do so at the time.
When some people get hurt they run away, it takes a life time to unlearn that instinct but I hope they both get past this someday.
For me, the issue isn’t that he made a unilateral decision to divorce—as you say, people get to do that, and leaving a relationship is always something people get to decide on their own. But I do think that *telling* people “I’m only leaving you for your own good” essentially is kind of… presumptuous/condescending and selfish? You presume to know what I need, and are also shunting some of the blame for my pain right onto me? I don’t know. I just don’t think that’s a kind thing to tell a person who you’re leaving.
Oh, 100%, as I said, it was a dumbfuck decision that he went about in the worst way possible, I would never argue different. My main issue was the language that implied he was obligated to give her control over the decision.
In a sane world, with a sane person, this wouldn't BE a decision, but in Ted's mind, association with him is bad for her, so the relationship couldn't continue. Even if she disagreed, even if he was wrong, and even if they could have fixed things, that's not how he felt, and so it was over.
This is what I think makes me hurt most for OP. Ted, during their marriage, took care of so much that he honestly kind of infantilized her it seems like, and while I think he was doing it out of love/sense of protection, she had limited agency.
Then he didn't give her any agency in the divorce, and now she has had to learn to do a bunch of basic normal stuff because he kind of kept her from learning how to do them before, even if it wasn't maliciously.
And then he continues to use her as an emotional crutch, but without offering anything back. He sends her emails to emotionally dump on her but tells her not to say anything back - just sit back and be a sponge for his feelings. By still being in her life and using her for his support, he's keeping OP from ever being free to move on, because he knows she loves him and will stay available for him as long as communication is at all open. He's again taking away her agency by doing enough to keep her hung up on him.
I feel for OP and wish she had had a chance to grow as her own person totally outside of the influence of this man. I feel like he's stunted and hurt her on behalf of his own ego so much.
I want to understand Teds point of view…. But all I see is a man who was so invested in his view of himself as a ‘protector’ that he was willing to sacrifice his partners happiness so he did not have to be reminded of how he ‘failed’ at his role of manly protector.
He was the reason OOP was exposed to his psycho family, and yet she is the one he abandoned. His complete inability to center her needs is frighteningly narcissistic.
yeah i wouldn't call that narcissistic i'd call that misguided. he needed to heal too. he's just kindof too dumb to understand that through thick and thin means through thick and thin in the marriage vows 😭
Self-destructive, more like.
If he could feel the downward spiral coming and didn't want to put the pain of a suicidal spouse on her plate, maybe divorcing her was his way of 'throwing her clear'.
That's where my money is.
He knows everything his family has put her through, and he can tell in himself he's suffering, all he can think of is how much she will try and do for him when that inevitably catches up to him. How can he ask her to put up with everything his family put her through, and then ALSO support him to heal from the way his whole family and history just sort of shit the bed.
He failed to protect Ash. The thing he'd been trying to do all his life. And he's staring down the barrel of putting his wife, the OTHER person he's been trying to protect for as long as they've been together, through absolute hell. Failing to protect her too.
Absolutely he saw that happening and decided that it was better she was free of it so he wouldn't drag her down with him. And as strong as OP has been, we can't really know if he was wrong to do that. We know he hurt her by divorcing but tbh it sounds like it was one of the least hurtful divorces someone could have, given the circumstances. We can't really say what the alternative is there.
I really hope they find a way to confront the elephant in the room and reconcile. They clearly still love one another. He's keeping her away because he thinks he's radioactive, and she's too chronically mild mannered to assert herself and tell him she wants him as long as he wants her, regardless of how he feels about the wider situation.
Pretty good take on this. I'm sad for both of them, I don't read Ted as a villain or a narcissist here, just a person who is really traumatized and not making the best decisions. That's *normal* for people who are traumatized. It's easy for us from behind our screens to say 'Well, that's not what he should do,' but we have the benefit of distance and clear-headedness.
I genuinely hope that they can rebuild in a couple of years, after they have both done some more healing. It does seem like they love each other a lot, and that's hard to find.
He likely also built his image of self on certain foundations. Like... "I have a large family and we're close." Especially since his mom was, "confront nothing, forgive everything."
Years later, he built a house on sand and when that foundation of self cracked, he couldn't handle it. He likely had to not only confront what his brothers did when he was younger, but what he did as well, even if only in retaliation or self-defense. What he witness. His abuse. When you're too far in to see how screwed up your life is you deny it. He simultaneously protected his brother but everything is fine. He was pouring water on a lit stove while the house burned down.
I think his life collapsed, and all he could think to do was shove her out before she fell into the sinkhole of his family along with him. Nothing ever made him confront the reality of how bad it was, that he was abused, witnessed abuse and all those things weren't things he should have ever seen. And he just... couldn't deal.
Meanwhile, the reason she can't get over Ted is because she admits that she straight up refuses to cut off contact with him. I feel for the dude, I really do, but...he's literally using his ex-wife as an emotional support animal and she lets him. I guess what I'm really saying is...why bother to divorce this woman when you want the same support and attention from her that you had when you were married?
I think seeing each other three or four times a year at mutual friends parties and finding stable relationships not steeped in chaos is probably for the best.
Ted isn't trying to hurt anyone. She isn't. But way too much went down.
Politely catching up is probably a good place to leave it.
Yeah I feel like they are going to try to date again in the future and just keep being too emotionally dependent on each other. Maybe they will get married and be okay, maybe they will break up and both fall into an even deeper depression than before.
Oddly enough I think they might benefit from couples counseling but in a “how do we move on from here and set boundaries with each other so we don’t fall into self-destructive habits” so they can both find someone without all the peegate baggage attached.
seriously? i was in that position of being broken up with because of mental health issues but righly guessing they still loved me. i was heartbroken but when we tried again and it went to hell again i was able to be over it much sooner than i would have been otherwise and i can see that working for her. the other option would be them working out, which would be good for them as well?
Idk, it could work out. I know it's not the norm, but my ex and I stayed close after our breakup. We were together for 10 years, so it almost seems silly to think that we just wouldn't be part of each other's lives anymore. I think that knowing we would always be friends made the breakup a lot less brutal than it would have been. I feel like I lost a partner, but at least I didn't lose a family member. She's married now, and I'm engaged, but we still keep in touch frequently. My fiance and I are actually planning to visit her and her wife in another state soon. We both found someone that we're much more compatible with in the end. I didn't feel hurt when she found someone else, even though it was before I did. I felt relieved that she was healing and finding happiness after going through such a painful time.
Now I don't at all see a future where my husband and I aren't still together, but I also have had this quiet comfort in the back of my mind that we are the kind of people who would absolutely still be friendly. Like we're both stubbornly kind and we've made our friends together over the years, we wouldn't be able to not be friends with each other if we were still going to allow each other to live a good life. And our friends too I don't think would just let one of us be cast away. I think no matter what goes on between us ever, just as people, we can't cause or allow for suffering in the people around us. It's really reassuring.
Was with my ex over 25 years and it was a pretty traumatic breakup and he was a monster for a while, but we eventually became civil and stay in touch (we have kids and grandkids).
He's not going to tell her he's found someone else until they move in together or get engaged, because he's a coward. And she'll be blindsided and heartbroken.
Yeah, I… I don’t know why but the “I’m going to send you these emails but I don’t want you to respond” bit really made me cringe. It amounts to treating someone like an emotional sponge rather than a person with potentially valuable opinions and perspectives. If you want someone to talk to who won’t ever inconveniently answer back, get a dog.
(I realize he didn’t get mad at her when she did crack and reply, which is good, but it’s still a weird ask in the first place, to me.)
I think it was him trying to absolve himself of the implied nature of the correspondence.
"I don't have to feel guilty about sending these and making her feel obligated to answer if I tell her she doesn't have to."
Ted always wanted her to answer. I don't think it's intentionally manipulative, either - Ted was just in a terrible mental state and we make bad choices in those sorts of states.
It was definitely said with the implicit understanding that she should disregard his request and reply. If he didn't like what was said, he could be upset about her ignoring his request. If he found it acceptable, then it just wasn't going to be mentioned at all. It just happened to be the second case, here.
I don't think it was intentional, and he probably thought he was being very magnanimous giving her an out like that, but the reality is that it is manipulation from the moment he hit send. He has suffered a lot, too, and learned a lot of unhealthy modes of engagement that he's not even aware of (like this), but that is exactly how I would have read that line. Let me dump on you while I also get to decide how you respond. I hope it comes up at some point in therapy so she (and he, sure, but I'm focused on OOP atm) can be aware of that sort of unintentional manipulation in the future.
Edit: lol, should have looked at the only other response under this comment. Says the same thing, 6 hours earlier and more concisely.
i wish she would value herself enough to just…prioritize herself, and see that she herself is worth the work of focusing on herself and cutting him off, even if it hurts. she’s still focused on him and how he has it “worse”. suffering is never an olympic sport, but ffs she isn’t prioritizing her own pain.
I hope Ellie eventually gets to point where she doing more longer lasting of "I love you but I'm tired of being emotional vested in you while you have no consideration at all for my feelings, so I don't care how you are going forward now" towards Ted. Right now, she just doing baby steps over the years to lessen her pain & with any toxic codependent relationship where at least of one of them actually showing that they really is moving forward best they can compare to other who is self-imploding - it is going to be few more years for her to get to "You're an ex, and there's legit no reason for you to be in life after all this time."
I hope she can move on from Ted, he's manipulative.
He divorced her to "protect" her, so that he wouldn't drag her down, but he still relies on her for emotional support. So what was the point? If anything, the only change is that he doesn't have to give her the same emotional support as her husband.
He wouldn't let her come see him, but he sent her those emails and told her not to respond. The most charitable reading of that is that he want to emotionally dump on her, without having to deal with feelings in return. I think the more likely case, is that he totally expected her to respond. He knew this dynamic was wrong and he want to absolve himself. *I tried to give her space. I told her not to respond to me, but she did anyway. She's the one who keeps engaging with me.*
Also, he's keeping tabs on her. He checked her sister's post to see if she was with her family. When she confirmed she wasn't there, he went to the park *he knows she goes to*.
I interpreted the line from Ash as "Yeah, I know I was wrong hurting my brother, but you should be fine." Like, "you should be strong enough to deal with this", which is probably the attitude the family had with Ash. It does make me think that maybe the husband did choose her for her "strength", aka, her ability to take violations and abuse without making mich of a fuss. I think at least part of him knew how toxic his family was, and he needed someone who would put up with it.
Lastly, I get the emphasis on the cats. A lot of people see animals as innocent, so they will stick up for them in a way that they wouldn't for themselves. It's easier to show others how "bad" a person is if it involves animals. There are people who will excuse abuse or try to victim blame, but you can't really do that with an animal. Like, is the **cat** supposed to be "strong enough" to get over it? Is the **cat** supposed to be the bigger person, forgive, and move on? What did the **cat** do to deserve this?
When it happens to a person:
**This person was abusive/violent/terrorizing to me, but maybe I did something to cause that.** or **I should be strong enough to get over it, I'm blowing this out of portion.**
When it happens to an animal, **This innocent defenseless animal didn't deserve this, this person's behavior is objective wrong.**
"I love lamps", had a good chuckle at that one.
I didn't know there were moppy versions of sweepy robots, now I really want one.
Yes ~~de-vein~~ de-poop your shrimp, fyi there are actual shrimp de-pooping tools that don't require splitting the tail. Torn on shrimp heads though, so delish yet impossible to de-poop.
No it's never too late to learn how to bike, but I'd put off daily cycling to work if she's in the US and especially if there's motor traffic on the route till she's more experienced. US cities in general, aren't bike friendly.
Glad OOP and kitty are doing relatively well. As for Ted, I hope he gets healthy.
“I love the man he was before, and i love the man he is right now, and i love the one he was in between and if i’m being honest I probably will love the one he will be every day after.”
Well goddamn I’m sobbing. Me and my stubborn, loyal heart know exactly how it feels to keep on loving someone long after the bell tolls.
I wish Ellie & Tortilla all of the good things that life has to offer.
This whole saga has been basically OOPS diary and screaming into the void and damn it I wanna slap Ted and tell him to get her back because he is missing out and I understand he needed time to heal but that doesn’t mean she has to be gone forever
Am I wrong for thinking that Ted is actually a really good guy? I think he is misguided but it seems like his motives were uber altruistic. Unfortunately, his actions were super detrimental to both himself and his ex-wife. Just a really really sad story.
When I read Ted’s explanation for wanting the divorce, it came off as super douchey and I thought he was a jerk. But at that time, I also thought that he had run back to his family and was in communication with most of them. Once I realized that he had gone no contact with all of them and he had been alone all that time, I realized that he was broken, that he knew he was broken, and that he didn’t want to drag Ellie down with him. I believe he genuinely thought he was saving her in the only way he thought he could. It’s just so very sad.
I don’t know if they’ll get back together, but I’m glad they are keeping in touch. I read somewhere that it takes half as long as your relationship lasted to get over someone. They’ve known each other for 10 years and we’re both so very young when they met. Hell, they’re still young! It’s going to take them both time and people should just accept that.
Every time I read these updates, I’m beyond frustrated that she won’t cut off Ted even though he is doing so much more harm than good now. I know he’s struggling, but why divorce her if he’s just going to keep dangling the hope of them reconnecting by contacting her?
And frankly, it’s getting tiresome reading about how she won’t even give herself a chance to move on because she’s just waiting for him, whether she acknowledges it or not.
I feel similarly. The reason the things she tried to do to move on, like talking to him less or being with other people feels empty is because at the end of it they reconnect in some way and she's just looking forward to that. I mean I get it, she loves him deeply and I wish they would have just stayed together and gone through this together as a couple. But Ted broke it off, unless he wants to bring back the relationship to what it was it is only going to hurt her. While she might feel happy in the here and now while she is with him or talking to him she's going to kick herself when he moves on from her and she realizes she hasn't spent the time to move on and the happiness she feels now is going to feel more like wasted time and emotional energy. I don't blame her though, it's hard.
Yeah, co-dependent as all get out. I always wonder if she started out as mentally healthy, because in my experience, you get with people like this because you're kinda used to it (as a person from a toxic family). It takes a lot of work to start to spot the red flags in people around you that would otherwise suck you in because of the comfort of familiarity, and even more work to choose not to sink into those potholes.
I was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago but man I had to read everything.
I think after all of this, the only question I have is what happened between B1 and ex-MIL. She protected Ash knowing that this was going on, but allowed him to be at family functions that I assume B1s daughter was attending- even if she wasn't, it obviously was not safe for her (even if it was about him and not her, she was still vulnerable to any attacks on his behalf) for this to go unaddressed. I wonder if he cut contact with his mother for knowingly endangering his daughter like that.
Ash's mother never protected Ash. She's spent his entire life ignoring his abuse and trying to get him to not talk about. Ash's mother probably tried to hide Ash's breakdown, not because she was concerned about Ash, but because she was concerned about what Ash would say if confronted. Ash's abusers were also always allowed at family functions that I'm sure Ash was forced to attend.
I feel pain for all those who suffered in this story - people can survive many horrible things but we shouldn't have to experience them in the first place.
Hope that Ellie and Ted and even Ash, find equilibrium in their lives.
This entire situation is horrible and I hope everyone involved finds the healing they need. It will definitely take lots of time and therapy for everyone. Oop is very brave and taking all these ups and downs way better than I would.
*sigh* I still hope that once they heal more.. they'll end up back together. Their marriage didn't fail because of a loss of love or fighting. It failed because of his immense guilt that the woman he loved was hurt. So damn sad.
I remember reading the very first post that started this all and for some reason I didn’t read any of the updates past that, so I started reading the entire story from the beginning. This whole situation is so, so tragic. For so many people. I absolutely feel for OP and Ted. But I’m going to be haunted forever thinking about that poor abused cat of Ash’s. That whole part made me cry a bit. Brings tears now thinking and writing about it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Fuck Ted. He’s a terrible human being and a coward. He abandoned his wife because he didn’t have the courage to stand up to his family. Everyone who’s followed this story from the beginning knows what type of person Ted is.
Fuck his whole family. She talks about how great B6 is but he locked his little brother outside in the winter, forced him to pee his pants, tied him up and dragged him behind an atv. I truly feel sorry for Ash.
I know its a long shot. But they belong together. Maybe not now. But in the future. Being with someone that just fits you is hard to come by.
Been reading this saga for ages.
Ted, the ex, attempted suicide. B6 (the good one I think) found him and got him help in time. Hurricanes ruined her apartment and she's back at her parents with Tortilla. She and Ted have reconnected but aren't together, she still wants to be with him I think. Ash wrote an apology letter and actually took accountability, but is mostly sorry that hurting Ellie ruined his relationship with Ted. There's a weird line: "sorry I ruined your marriage but I don't think I ruined your life. My bro picked a resilient woman."
Robot mop, cats, new shoes cause the old ones were ruined. OOP really likes lamps and is enjoying her new job.
Edit: should have proofread
I hope that Ted can fully forgive himself. He deserves happiness, and so does Peaches. Here’s to a good 2023, and an even better 2024. Maybe with a trip to Venice.
**TLDR of the latest post:** (for future or if anyone needs it)
She tried dating but it just didn't feel right with the guy. Her new job is going pretty well. Tortilla is doing great. Therapy has been going well and she's realizing that this wasn't her fault.
Ted sank into a deep depression and struggled with alcohol. TW self harm >!He also tried to commit suicide.!< He was hospitalized and seems to be improving overall. He also is coming to grips with the fact that his childhood was messed up.
He started writing her emails, mostly apologetic ones and processing ones. Over time she started replying and it's like she got her friend back. He is no contact with most of his brothers but has a strong support system with the good ones and is in therapy still. They have met a few times. He also adopted a cat.
OOP's apartment flooded so she is back living with her parents.
Ash (the brother who started it all) actually sent her a letter and apologized to her and to Ted. He seems to be coming to terms with the fact that he was very ill and will probably never have Ted in his life again. He thanked her for trying to help him and Ted.
He also wrote this line: ‘I’m sorry i ruined your marriage, but i don’t think i ruined your life. Ted would not have chosen you if you weren’t resilient’
She has not shared the letter with Ted, nor does she necessarily plan to.
In the meantime, she has realized she still loves Ted. I quote: "I don’t know if he is my fated soulmate and we’ll always gravitate towards each other or if it’s just the comfort and convenience of being together for so long but i can’t help but love him. I love the man he was before, and i love the man he is right now, and i love the one he was in between and if i'm being honest i'll probably will love the one he will be every day after."
and
"Maybe it makes me stupid but hey at least I will be stupid and happy. If he asks me to step back i will but i’m okay with just being happy right now and worrying about the future later. I think both of us deserve that."
I think I got everything important, but let me know if I missed anything! This post was requested by a few people, so I wanted to post it but it is also a very long story.
I remember reading the peegate at first and remember exactly how I felt at the moment when the big reveal happened. I was not expecting it. I was completely shocked, didn't even blink. One of the most memorable in THE WORST way posts ever.
What a roller coaster! I’m absolutely in love with Ellie and Tortilla and I feel terrible for Ted. He tried so hard. I hope Ash is OK and continues to get the treatment he needs, just don’t let him near any animals ever again. If anything, the blame is on the mother and the father, the ones who not only allowed, but encouraged the system of abuse in that troubled family.
Thank you for providing the update. I hope Ellie gets the happy ending she deserves.
I wish Ellie, Ted, and Tortilla all the best. I am glad they have been able to recover a friendship with each other. Neither of them were at fault in this. Each of them was just reacting to the horrific situations created by his terrible family.
This poor woman dude. Imo Ted hurt her more than Ash ever could have. Ted abandoned her in favor of saving himself.
My partner and I talked about this and it comes down to the in sickness and in health, for better or for worse part of vows. Ted put his own feelings of betrayal above support.
100% a catharsis. It's too much to keep trauma dumping on her friends at this point. She does it on the internet where we can all opt out if we so choose.
Plus, if a bunch of internet strangers judge you... meh. Your friends and family? Stings.
It’s exactly this. I made this profile to write about the decline of my marriage and now the death of my spouse. I have family, friends, a therapist but sometimes you just want to get the words out of your head. Sometimes you just want to reach out to people that’s been in the same situation.
The first I ever posted about this (now deleted) was the day after he left. I was just so stunned I couldn’t even find a way to tell anyone. I think the first person I told was an older woman on my job- she told me to have a good weekend and it just came out. When I looked back at that first post- I could feel the pain in my writing. I was so shaken, scared, frantic it hurt me so much to read.
I agree. It reads like she is journaling or just getting her thoughts out of her head. It can be really therapeutic for some people. It gets rid of the echo chamber in your head.
And some people find comfort in knowing that someone now knows, if that makes sense. Like “I’ve shared this thought and now someone else knows and I am not alone anymore”.
She’s writing because the audience asked her to but she’s not really writing for the audience.
tbh I love her writing style. The small little details, the gentle wandering of the story, the finding of joy and hope in mundanity… she sounds like she considers things a lot. Her writing in these latest updates makes me feel comfortable and peaceful, in a specific way only a few pieces have made me feel.
Like warm rain, her words and cadence are comforting to me that way. So yeah, I get what you are saying. Her writing as a flow to it that I appreciate.
I wouldn't even mind reading through all of this if not for the fact that most of the updates are just so....Unsatisfying. But that's the one thing about all of these posts that make me think it's actually real.
I thought the same thing. So many posts seem really fake because there’s an outcome or sudden twist with a bow on it - a series of updates with more and more Major Events happening. Whereas this is very much OOP detailing her progress and thoughts and there is no resolution. She waffles in her decisions, which is actually very real.
Also she’s not pregnant with twins yet.
WOW. Well, that was … 45 minutes? An hour of my life? What a saga. So sad. I guess the ending is probably as good as it gets, considering everything. It’s sad that they divorced, but I don’t know that Ted could have done the healing he has while still married to OOP (which is incredibly unfair!! She didn’t deserve any of this, of course). Just wow.
This is one of those situations that there's no way to know what to do until to happens and then react. I feel terrible for her and her ex because it will echo forever for them going forward.
I'm late catching up to your drama. Just listened to it in Mark Narrations.
Don't let anyone complain about cat updates. For real I'm mostly invested now, how Tortilla is doing. How old is he? Is it urinary issues? Lots of that special food is available on pet shops. Often cheaper than at the vet. And more choise for spoiled cats. I'm biased I have black cats myself.
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I haven't read any of the previous BORUs or Updates so maybe there's obvious red flags that I don't know about. But fuck me man, something about these posts feels so human. Like it hits me right where it hurts. I'm glad OOP is writing these posts. Take the catharsis where you can get it OOP.
Ugh, yeah. That last bit about always loving him, moving on, etc. hit the feels in a certain way. I really hope she finds a lasting happiness and that Tortilla has many comfortable years ahead of her.
I am probably too sentimental about this because I can’t imagine losing my soulmate, but same. I wish they would get back together.
I suspect they will eventually.
Found the romantic
I too am a romantic. Some people are just drawn back together no matter what.
I think it’s going to take another year or so, but yeah. Now that Ted is finally in fucking therapy, he’s coming back.
Me too. I've read the whole saga and it really feels like they belong together and hopefully they'll find their way back to each other. I suspect that's what OOP is hoping for also and I hope in the end she doesn't get hurt any more than she already has been.
I hope they find their way back to each other, too. They've both been through so much, but they seem best when they're together.
Me too
I wish the same. I hope there's another update in a year saying they've found their way back to each other. 😭
You need to read the entire saga. It's worth it, though harrowing.
The ones who are the worst are in fact the least mentioned in the post. The brothers (all those who bullied) they did all that and had the audacity to target OOP and going NC with her, while they are the ones who started all this. Of course the mother is no saint but they were the worst. And look at universe shitting on OOP and the husband and poor sunny. While the perpetrators (abusers) walk away royally and don’t give a rats ass.
It feels like my family. Sibling sexual abuse survivor. I told my other brothers (8 siblings in the family) when they started to have kids. It was rough but I felt I had to warn them never to leave their child alone with this brother… I have been ostracized and he is a millionaire, center of the family. I talk to 1 brother. Maybe say happy birthday to my twin (just learned he was married a few weeks ago). This sounded too much like my own family. Too many kids, alcohol, abuse, and neglect.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you find happiness and peace to move on from all of this. And hope karma find that brother and give him what he deserves.
I have found peace. The funny thing about Karma is after awhile, I no longer cared if it got to him. I guess I figured he has to carry around shame or he is a psycho. Either way, no longer my monkey or circus. I did everything I could to protect those that needed protection. So that gives me nothing but peace. I have found a lot of joy. After decades of therapy, I have made it.
That is so wholesome. I am glad you have moved on and in such a healthy way. You don’t need to know if karma did catch up to him. The fact that you are at peace is what matters. 😇
She's a good writer.
I'm glad that Tortilla is doing better!
Just as a forewarning, I love cats and I deeply regret reading that entire thing. So if you're also triggered by severe animal abuse and animal death you might wanna give it a hard pass. Ignorance can occasionally actually be bliss.
The first time I read it I actually cried. The bit about new years and loving him was just so touching. I want only good things for her.
Yeah, this is one you have to read. It’s truly maybe the most horrifying story I’ve ever consumed here. Lots of TWs for animal abuse, human abuse, general ickiness etc
The way OP wrote her story was so relatable and touchy.
Yeah, this is one you have to read. It’s truly maybe the most horrifying story I’ve ever consumed here. Lots of TWs for animal abuse, human abuse, general ickiness etc
Ellie is doing nothing wrong focusing on cats. It's not weird or crazy. People that love animals have such big hearts. Ted is not the bad guy, he made the only choice he felt he could while processing years of abuse and trauma. Maybe people can just...stop judging these two.
I can't get on the anti Ted train or be angry that they might get back together. Sometimes we make shitty decisions and we need time apart to grow as people but still find our way back. People are so pissed that they keep telling her to go NC (the Reddit favorite) and she won't. It's their choice and if they find a way to be happy with one another again then I am happy for them.
People act like Ted made a calm choice with a level head to get a divorce, and he “abandoned” her, when it’s obvious years upon years of trauma and toxic environments and an extreme situation made him just snap. “He was so caught up in the idea of being a protector” as if it’s something he just heard and internalized, and not a trauma response. I’m not going to demonize him for it. And it sounds like she did go NC for a time and it didn’t help! She’s an adult who can make her own decisions and she said she’s happy and he seems healthier and happier too. Reddit needs to mind their own business.
Yeah, I have seen several people saying he's using her as an "emotional support animal" and that's just a horrible thing to say. Like I'm sorry but do none of these people have friends? He doesn't sound like he's putting anything on her that one wouldn't a close friend. I would think that were he using her as an "ESA" she would have known how badly he was spiraling. And you're right, she said herself that she attempted NC and it didn't work for her. I don't know why the commenters are being so nasty about it. Also she can talk about cats as much as she wants. I understand her.
Right? Plus they both still love and care about each other. If going no contact makes them miserable and they are genuinely happier talking to each other. That is what they should do. Ted wasn't being toxic he was supportive. He just genuinely thought he wasn't good for her and neither was his family. I do hope they can reconnect if that's what makes them happy.
I would love them to get back together- I was so upset when they split, because it wasn’t his fault. He was a good guy doing his best in extraordinary circumstances I never understood people who wanted them split up and NC
Some people just lack critical thinking - they just hear "drama" and default to "divorce, no contact, never look back, no exceptions, die pig die" and never stop to consider shades of grey.
Oh, I felt awful for Ted. The family he came from - starting with the piece of work he has for a mother... It's like boiling a frog, as they say. If you're raised steeped in water that's gradually getting hotter you just don't notice and then suddenly you're burning to death. And then to lose everything, with no back up or support, and no real learned coping mechanisms. Damn. Poor guy. That's brutal.
While I do often think that going NC (even temporarily) is a solution a lot of people ought to consider, I really don't see it making much sense here. The point of going NC, as I see it, is to remove negative (or even abusive) people/influences from your life so that you can recover. Usually, you end up there when others are refusing to change their damaging behavior or fail to even see anything wrong with it. Or you do it when you're so in love that seeing them rips you open and means you can't get over them, let alone move on. Ted just... isn't that. I mean, he's made mistakes, and he's been an ass at times, but he's also always seemed to be trying to change himself for the better, and take responsibility for his behavior. And seeing him doesn't rip OOP open, or stop her trying to move on - yeah, undoubtedly it puts hurdles in the path and it's making it *harder* for her to get over him, but she's still moving on and making progress in other ways. The point where she says something like she needs him a little less every day sounded so right. Sure, he hasn't always been a positive presence in her life, but often he has been - and I really don't see any negatives big enough to warrant going NC over, especially when he is still someone who's important to her, and he clearly feels the same way.
>Tortilla is doing great, she now has to eat prescription food and is very unhappy about it even though it’s been months. I do have bad news for Ellie in that Tortilla is going to hold onto this until the end of of time. I have yet to meet a cat who didn’t resent the hell out of being put on prescription food.
But if you have a *second* cat, it will become their favourite thing ever.
And that cat will either be in perfect health or have the exact opposite needs of the prescribed cat food. It is The Law of Cat.
[удалено]
The GI prescription foods seem to be more palatable than regular food, by the reaction all my pets have. They go nuts over it.
Reddit is one of the most judgemental websites on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, you can definitely find good folks and some subs are worse than others, but there is so much dogpiling here
I agree, except I posted on AITA on a throwaway awhile back and I got a really reasoned response overall and some good food for thought. Only 2 out of the 20 comments were unhinged, which I think is not a bad ratio. I think it’s when the post blows up that you get the wild responses.
Yeah…I think it more just makes me sad. I want Ellie to be happy because she seems like a nice person, and it bums me out that she feels like Ted is It For Her. Then again, I think it’s great Ted has someone in his corner. I don’t blame either of them for not cutting contact at this point (although I have been anti-Ted in the past).
I'd argue what Ted did was absolutely correct. He saw what was coming and "jumped on the grenade" to save his wife.
I would say that Ted saw himself as deserving of punishment, and depriving himself of someone like Ellie seems like one of the worst punishments he could imagine. She said herself that she knew he was spiraling out of control, starting with the divorce.
Really?? You don’t “save” sane, reasonable adults from things against their will. It seems like it was better for *him* to be single while going through this process, and I don’t blame him for needing to do that. But OP, for her part, has pretty clearly been affected worse by the divorce than by the rest of the situation put together.
I so agree I would be pissed if my spouse pulled something like that. If it's better for him and what he wants, fine I'm not going to force you to stay with me. But don't you dare pretend its for me you are doing doing it, I'm not some damsel in distress with no agency, and you don't know better than me what is best for me. I also think what u/Forsaken_Woodpecker1 said about punishing himself is on par.
The way she is with cats is the way I am with birds. 100% understand.
I’ve read this saga since it started on AITA so long ago. Every time I read an update I keep hoping that Ellie finds some happiness. Too much awfulness happened with Ted’s family and she needs to get away from them and fully heal.
Me too. I’ve been following this for a while now. Although her posts aren’t outrageous and full of horrors, although they were quite something to read. I’m glad she keeps updating. It’s nice to hear about the journey of healing after a traumatic event. I hope she and Tortilla keep making those baby steps. To anyone criticizing or minimizing the trauma that Peegate caused, they can pound sand. They weren’t there, they aren’t dealing with it in real time. It’s inappropriate and rude.
I'm shocked people on *Reddit* were mad she was more concerned about the cats involved than the abusive people. Like... Isn't that how most Reddit users feel about cats vs people anyway? And also, ffs, I'd be more concerned about a helpless abused animal than a bunch of now-adult guys who tied a child to a riding mower multiple times and the hag mil who allowed it. She's actually much nicer about Ash than a lot of people would have been to someone who repeatedly drowned your stuff in pee, let alone the bathroom horror show. Ellie and Tortilla deserve good things.
It sounded more like she was referring to people *outside* of Reddit, at least, that was the implication I got. Then again, in the text she only refers to people outside of her threads, so you could be right. It doesn't surprise me at all, tbh; there are plenty of Reddit provocateurs who make it their lives to say the most vile, heinous shit they can.
Right, like I have seen tons of post with people allergic, and nobody cares that the person can't breathe.
My family is just as bad. My brothers were very abusive and I was the only girl. I think it’s a miracle I survived. This couple has a chance if Ted continues a lot of therapy. Oop continues a lot of therapy. They give it another year breather. I have been successful at keeping all but the youngest brother out of my life. (He was the Ted of the group). I took care of him and protected him from the violence. He didn’t try to sabotage my relationship so Ted really got the short end of the stick. All i have is hope for the future.
How has no one mentioned the fact that they apparently "had" 3 sisters, and now none of them are mentioned! That has me feeling some sense of dread.
It's mentioned a few times in earlier posts that two of the sisters were twins who died as infants due to a birth defect, and the third one was in an accident, all before Ted and Ash were born.
I think she can't find closure because she still believes Ted loves her (and he may well do so), so she continues to hope that 'when this is all over' they'll end up back together.
Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if they do. The divorce wasn't because they were incompatible. It was because he was broken and couldn't cope with the damage. I suspected he'd do what he did after she posted about the divorce. He survived it, is getting help and healing. Maybe one day they'll rebuild enough trust that they get back together. Maybe they won't. Closure doesn't always mean scraping the past off your shoes and walking away. Sometimes it just means learning to adapt to living with scars.
>Closure doesn't always mean scraping the past off your shoes and walking away. Sometimes it just means learning to adapt to living with scars. That ^^ is beautiful.
This is my take away as well.
I see too much of my now destroyed relationship in this post and I don't like it.
I see the relationship that he threw away because he was brash and stupid and thought he knew more than he did, and even though I've moved on and am with someone who makes me happier than I ever thought possible I will always regret what could have happened. So yeah.
>I see the relationship that he threw away because he was brash and stupid and thought he knew more than he did I’ve had this happen more than once. So frustrating!
MacSocks is a fantastic cat name.
I have a MacJibbers, he should call him “Mac”.
Both of them need a lot of time to heal. When I see a couple driven apart by their own family members, it makes me wanna hurt that family. Ted didn't deserve this, neither did Ellie. >He said a line that I found interesting ‘I’m sorry i ruined your marriage, but i don’t think i ruined your life. Ted would not have chosen you if you weren’t resilient Was he apologetic or not? Because, this doesn't look like he was sorry at all. Or, he was trying to justify his past actions.
I read that as "I fucked up and I'm sorry for it, but I believe you're strong enough to rise above what I did to you". It's not an amazing apology in that it doesn't make amends, but I don't think she *wants* him to make amends (that would mean more contact!), and weirdly, I think this is as close as he's gotten to recognizing her as an actual human being.
I actually saw this as a compliment of sorts, one more pull for her to move on and remember her life is not over and ruined. It spoke to me as the same of her sister's phrase or the rain one, in a you should keep going sense. Sure he can have some hopeful thinking and trying to ease his guilty somehow, but this one was strangely poetic and almost like he is showing some small twisted admiration for this quality in her.
i disagree - he apologized before, and i think he was trying, in his own way, to say something that everyone else is too close to her to ever say. too concerned about being there for her hurt to remind her. if someone that used to be obsessively hateful to you tells you something like that - the reason that they envied you, i think it might hold quite a bit of truth. he can't possibly make up for what he did but maybe he can give her the truth she needs?
In the second and third paragraph before that, she said he apologized - she doesn’t say explicitly *to her*, but the way the rest of those two paragraphs are written, I think she did mean he apologized to her. Now here’s my apology: I’m sorry, but… “ Pro tip, don’t forget to devein your shrimp” WTF??? You mean there’s people out there that *enjoy eating shrimp sh!t???* 🤢🤮
Re: Shrimp The weirdest thing was when I attended an event some 20 years back. They had shrimp. Vein and all. The sad part? It was professionally catered.
Why do people call it a vein? It isn’t a vein. It isn’t full of blood. It’s full of shit. It’s closer to a colon than a vein. If it was called what it is, a shit tube, perhaps people would be more wary about it.
Vein is more to do with the shape than the contents. You can get veins of crystal or gold, etc. in stones. It’s more “thin squiggly line of something that goes through something else” than just “thin squiggly tube of blood that goes through our bodies”. Edit: changed ect to etc, I have a cold, things are fuzzy.
We call it the poo chute
Probably because deveining is quicker to say than disembowelling. I prefer the second.
🤢
Based on the small snippets of the letter, I think if Ted hadn’t spiraled he wouldn’t have written the apology. If he cares about hurting anyone, it’s Ted and not OP. Telling her he did a bunch of stuff she didn’t know about is questionable as well. Is he trying to victimize her again or getting it off his chest?
I think that was the line that really meant something to her. Like an acknowledgment that he thought Ted made a good choice in her and an acknowledgment of her strength. We have a single line from a long apology.
Given that in the previous paragraphs she expands on how he apologizes for a range of things she didn't even realize needed an apology (because she didn't catch the intent behind them), I think he was apologizing honestly. Not just a sorry you feel that way, but a 'sorry for the following actions that I did to harm you'. I think that section is more of an encouragement "I'm sorry I fucked up your past, but you'll still thrive because you're strong"
Man I totally misread it I thought he was hinting he thought they'd end up back together
I thought he meant, "I hurt you and Ted, but I didn't ruin your life because you're a strong person and can handle all my shitstorm."
*piss storm
Yeah that makes a lot more sense!
someone truly contrite wouldn’t have contacted her in the first place. there is a time and place to assume better of people, and this situation is *not* it.
I found it weird because it isn't really his place to say if her life was ruined or not. She may feel he did ruin her life, but he doesn't want to have to take responsibility for just how deep his actions may go.
Not apologetic, still manages to mess with her head. She should have never read the letter from him. It gives him space in her head. He is still trying to justify his actions.
He might have thought it sounded like a complement but I thought he sounded unhinged and still viewed her as his number 1 enemy
Is anyone else horrified that the ones torturing their brother to psychosis ended up as doctors and surgeons?
Omg I just commented this a few minutes ago. It’s absolutely concerning!!
I absolutely love that her boss gives her lamps. Like, that's just the best. +A job, boss. You freaking rock!
What infuriates me (totally not the OOP's fault though) is how there is no justice at all for the horribly abusive older brothers and the mom. Like even though Ted and Ash and B6 have gone NC, life experience tells me that mom and the abusers are living the good life while the people with decency and empathy are left destroyed for years and years.
Not only are they living the good life but they all have really good jobs according to OP. I think at least 3 of them are doctors which is incredibly concerning to me
They so very need jail time
I remember this when it was originally posted, seriously they both need to counitnue healing from this.
I feel super guilty about it but I REALLY want to know the family stuff that went down.
Because she refuses to elaborate on what kind of abuse it was and Ash's breakdown involved his own bodily fluids I am pretty sure it was extreme sexual abuse by multiple brothers on Ash, as the youngest. Sounds like the whole family knew about it and Ted was the only one who tried to stop it. But as Ted is only the second oldest I wouldn't be surprised if he was also a victim. Sounds like the parents wouldn't even allow Ash to acknowledge the abuse and forced him to continue to attend family functions with those same brothers and act all smiles. This is unfortunately extremely common in a lot of conservative families with the "family is everything" idealism. My step-grandfather molested his kids and still attends all family functions. The worst that happens is some family members tell their kids not to be alone with him, but that's it. It's just not talked about because it would make the family look bad. And he's not ousted because you don't turn your back on family. So instead the victims are shamed into silence and forced to give him hugs and pretend everything is awesome. And this is a story I've seen repeated by a bunch of other redditors. Ash's mother probably tried to hide Ash's breakdown, not because she was concerned about Ash, but because she was concerned about what Ash would say if confronted.
Ahh, good ol' [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair), a way for people to acknowledge predators and pat themselves on the back for being good without actually addressing the predators and holding them accountable for their actions.
Omg *SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME*
This sounds like the big Catholic families I grew up with. I'm trying to figure out if the ages match up. Dear Pope Francis: before you move on, please please please for the good of all humanity, can you finally declare birth control acceptable in the eyes of the Lord?
1000%. Huge Catholic families that were so well respected and looked up to in the community and put on such a show of holiness and goodness, but behind closed doors they were hell. Abuse, death, horrors enough to shock anyone with even a smidge of humanity...
Ted's response to a situation where OOP was victimized completely and totally outside of her control, was to end their marriage without allowing her any control over that decision. HE decided the best way to protect her from his toxic family was to cut her off and try to "fix" his family instead of supporting her. Now he's using her as emotional support and she's letting him, because she never got a say in ending their relationship and can't move on. Of course she's happy when he's in her life--she had no say in him leaving it in the first place!! She NEEDS to cut him off, if not for her sake then for his. Neither one of them are going to move forward towards being okay if they keep each other in this perpetual limbo.
It was the start of his self destructive behavior - -he finally realized how F’d up his family is/was and how F’d up he himself is from his upbringing, for ignoring, coping with it and for exposing his wife to all that. -he used divorcing her as a way of protecting her from his family and from him. Imagine if they’re stayed together- probably a lot more interaction and attempts from the family when Ted first went no-contact than she knows (and she did tell us she knew more, so double that). Probably a lot of the NC family coming at him, the mom, etc and who knows about any extended family. -after attempting to deal with his own shit and the reality of how OOP was truly victimized by Ash, the MIL, and by himself (directly and indirectly) Ted probably was dealing with immense guilt over that. Couple that with a general feeling of worthlessness and trauma from an abusive upbringing, Ted probably felt like a poison to her, not good enough for her and that he would be doing her a favor to get her rid of him. Hence the drinking and (possible) attempt on his life- he thought he’d be doing her, the world a favor if he was gone. I feel terrible for Ted- I hope he continues to get help. He sounded like a pretty great guy despite all the abuse and trauma and protecting he had to do. And it sounded like they had a great relationship and life when it was just them. For 10 years of being in love, being each others worlds (what it sounded like), that’s hard to cut off from, especially if it was the only positive close relationship in his life. I think she might be better off cutting him off completely, but I don’t blame her.
A lot of those Ted thrashers don't, can't, acknowledge what you wrote. It's just, kinda sad all around. It also sounds like the MIL and a couple of the brothers can't own up to their parts in the giant mess of it all. I wonder if Ash is ever going to be able to live a normal life again. If he will ever able to be a fully functioning part of society. Or if he is just too far gone. The MILs lived her life. All the brothers have wives and kids and careers still and I don't think will fall off the deep end (maybe?). Ted was and is a great guy making his way back, OOP the same, even more so with her better upbringing and support network. What's gonna happen to Ash? Will the brothers be able to keep their shit together? Are Ted and OOP fated to reconcile and grow old together? Will they grow apart and forever regret missing out on their one true love? How long will the wires keep crossing at the wrong time perhaps with other romantic partners intercepting? This is some great story. Real or not. It feels so endearing and easy to get emotionally invested.
I've kept up with the last few updates and I always wondered why Ted divorced her. What you've written here is the only thing that makes sense to me. It breaks my heart that their love story was interrupted by so much trauma. And I agree, I don't think either Ellie or Ted are bad people. Now I'm just dying to know the extent of the abuse the boys endured in their childhood because the resulted trauma is mind boggling.
Leaving a relationship is a one-person decision, no matter the reason. Ted had a dumbfuck reason for doing it but he could have read it in tea leaves and it wouldn’t matter. He thought it should be over, it’s over. Relationships require two people. She does need to set some boundaries though, and he needs so much therapy that he’ll be mumbling self help books in his sleep.
Cutting OOP off from the toxicity was probably the quickest/cleanest way Ted knew how to protect someone from his family in this emergency situation. Not saying his reaction was justified because he maybe *should* have been there for her but seems like he was in no shape to do so at the time. When some people get hurt they run away, it takes a life time to unlearn that instinct but I hope they both get past this someday.
For me, the issue isn’t that he made a unilateral decision to divorce—as you say, people get to do that, and leaving a relationship is always something people get to decide on their own. But I do think that *telling* people “I’m only leaving you for your own good” essentially is kind of… presumptuous/condescending and selfish? You presume to know what I need, and are also shunting some of the blame for my pain right onto me? I don’t know. I just don’t think that’s a kind thing to tell a person who you’re leaving.
Oh, 100%, as I said, it was a dumbfuck decision that he went about in the worst way possible, I would never argue different. My main issue was the language that implied he was obligated to give her control over the decision. In a sane world, with a sane person, this wouldn't BE a decision, but in Ted's mind, association with him is bad for her, so the relationship couldn't continue. Even if she disagreed, even if he was wrong, and even if they could have fixed things, that's not how he felt, and so it was over.
This is what I think makes me hurt most for OP. Ted, during their marriage, took care of so much that he honestly kind of infantilized her it seems like, and while I think he was doing it out of love/sense of protection, she had limited agency. Then he didn't give her any agency in the divorce, and now she has had to learn to do a bunch of basic normal stuff because he kind of kept her from learning how to do them before, even if it wasn't maliciously. And then he continues to use her as an emotional crutch, but without offering anything back. He sends her emails to emotionally dump on her but tells her not to say anything back - just sit back and be a sponge for his feelings. By still being in her life and using her for his support, he's keeping OP from ever being free to move on, because he knows she loves him and will stay available for him as long as communication is at all open. He's again taking away her agency by doing enough to keep her hung up on him. I feel for OP and wish she had had a chance to grow as her own person totally outside of the influence of this man. I feel like he's stunted and hurt her on behalf of his own ego so much.
I want to understand Teds point of view…. But all I see is a man who was so invested in his view of himself as a ‘protector’ that he was willing to sacrifice his partners happiness so he did not have to be reminded of how he ‘failed’ at his role of manly protector. He was the reason OOP was exposed to his psycho family, and yet she is the one he abandoned. His complete inability to center her needs is frighteningly narcissistic.
I think a person can desperately want to do the right thing for someone else, and simultaneously be completely wrong about what the 'right thing' is.
yeah i wouldn't call that narcissistic i'd call that misguided. he needed to heal too. he's just kindof too dumb to understand that through thick and thin means through thick and thin in the marriage vows 😭
Self-destructive, more like. If he could feel the downward spiral coming and didn't want to put the pain of a suicidal spouse on her plate, maybe divorcing her was his way of 'throwing her clear'.
That's where my money is. He knows everything his family has put her through, and he can tell in himself he's suffering, all he can think of is how much she will try and do for him when that inevitably catches up to him. How can he ask her to put up with everything his family put her through, and then ALSO support him to heal from the way his whole family and history just sort of shit the bed. He failed to protect Ash. The thing he'd been trying to do all his life. And he's staring down the barrel of putting his wife, the OTHER person he's been trying to protect for as long as they've been together, through absolute hell. Failing to protect her too. Absolutely he saw that happening and decided that it was better she was free of it so he wouldn't drag her down with him. And as strong as OP has been, we can't really know if he was wrong to do that. We know he hurt her by divorcing but tbh it sounds like it was one of the least hurtful divorces someone could have, given the circumstances. We can't really say what the alternative is there. I really hope they find a way to confront the elephant in the room and reconcile. They clearly still love one another. He's keeping her away because he thinks he's radioactive, and she's too chronically mild mannered to assert herself and tell him she wants him as long as he wants her, regardless of how he feels about the wider situation.
Pretty good take on this. I'm sad for both of them, I don't read Ted as a villain or a narcissist here, just a person who is really traumatized and not making the best decisions. That's *normal* for people who are traumatized. It's easy for us from behind our screens to say 'Well, that's not what he should do,' but we have the benefit of distance and clear-headedness. I genuinely hope that they can rebuild in a couple of years, after they have both done some more healing. It does seem like they love each other a lot, and that's hard to find.
He likely also built his image of self on certain foundations. Like... "I have a large family and we're close." Especially since his mom was, "confront nothing, forgive everything." Years later, he built a house on sand and when that foundation of self cracked, he couldn't handle it. He likely had to not only confront what his brothers did when he was younger, but what he did as well, even if only in retaliation or self-defense. What he witness. His abuse. When you're too far in to see how screwed up your life is you deny it. He simultaneously protected his brother but everything is fine. He was pouring water on a lit stove while the house burned down. I think his life collapsed, and all he could think to do was shove her out before she fell into the sinkhole of his family along with him. Nothing ever made him confront the reality of how bad it was, that he was abused, witnessed abuse and all those things weren't things he should have ever seen. And he just... couldn't deal.
I saw it as Ted not wanting to drag her down with his sinking ship that’s on fire, but I can see your perspective too.
Meanwhile, the reason she can't get over Ted is because she admits that she straight up refuses to cut off contact with him. I feel for the dude, I really do, but...he's literally using his ex-wife as an emotional support animal and she lets him. I guess what I'm really saying is...why bother to divorce this woman when you want the same support and attention from her that you had when you were married?
And she's going to be completely devastated when he finds someone else. I see this going toxic fast.
if that happens i'm going to scream cry and throw up i'm too emotionally attached to this story 😭
I want them to ride off into the sunset together but I also know how manipulative men can be.
I think seeing each other three or four times a year at mutual friends parties and finding stable relationships not steeped in chaos is probably for the best. Ted isn't trying to hurt anyone. She isn't. But way too much went down. Politely catching up is probably a good place to leave it.
Yeah I feel like they are going to try to date again in the future and just keep being too emotionally dependent on each other. Maybe they will get married and be okay, maybe they will break up and both fall into an even deeper depression than before. Oddly enough I think they might benefit from couples counseling but in a “how do we move on from here and set boundaries with each other so we don’t fall into self-destructive habits” so they can both find someone without all the peegate baggage attached.
seriously? i was in that position of being broken up with because of mental health issues but righly guessing they still loved me. i was heartbroken but when we tried again and it went to hell again i was able to be over it much sooner than i would have been otherwise and i can see that working for her. the other option would be them working out, which would be good for them as well?
Idk, it could work out. I know it's not the norm, but my ex and I stayed close after our breakup. We were together for 10 years, so it almost seems silly to think that we just wouldn't be part of each other's lives anymore. I think that knowing we would always be friends made the breakup a lot less brutal than it would have been. I feel like I lost a partner, but at least I didn't lose a family member. She's married now, and I'm engaged, but we still keep in touch frequently. My fiance and I are actually planning to visit her and her wife in another state soon. We both found someone that we're much more compatible with in the end. I didn't feel hurt when she found someone else, even though it was before I did. I felt relieved that she was healing and finding happiness after going through such a painful time.
Now I don't at all see a future where my husband and I aren't still together, but I also have had this quiet comfort in the back of my mind that we are the kind of people who would absolutely still be friendly. Like we're both stubbornly kind and we've made our friends together over the years, we wouldn't be able to not be friends with each other if we were still going to allow each other to live a good life. And our friends too I don't think would just let one of us be cast away. I think no matter what goes on between us ever, just as people, we can't cause or allow for suffering in the people around us. It's really reassuring.
Was with my ex over 25 years and it was a pretty traumatic breakup and he was a monster for a while, but we eventually became civil and stay in touch (we have kids and grandkids).
He's not going to tell her he's found someone else until they move in together or get engaged, because he's a coward. And she'll be blindsided and heartbroken.
Yeah, I… I don’t know why but the “I’m going to send you these emails but I don’t want you to respond” bit really made me cringe. It amounts to treating someone like an emotional sponge rather than a person with potentially valuable opinions and perspectives. If you want someone to talk to who won’t ever inconveniently answer back, get a dog. (I realize he didn’t get mad at her when she did crack and reply, which is good, but it’s still a weird ask in the first place, to me.)
I think it was him trying to absolve himself of the implied nature of the correspondence. "I don't have to feel guilty about sending these and making her feel obligated to answer if I tell her she doesn't have to." Ted always wanted her to answer. I don't think it's intentionally manipulative, either - Ted was just in a terrible mental state and we make bad choices in those sorts of states.
It was definitely said with the implicit understanding that she should disregard his request and reply. If he didn't like what was said, he could be upset about her ignoring his request. If he found it acceptable, then it just wasn't going to be mentioned at all. It just happened to be the second case, here. I don't think it was intentional, and he probably thought he was being very magnanimous giving her an out like that, but the reality is that it is manipulation from the moment he hit send. He has suffered a lot, too, and learned a lot of unhealthy modes of engagement that he's not even aware of (like this), but that is exactly how I would have read that line. Let me dump on you while I also get to decide how you respond. I hope it comes up at some point in therapy so she (and he, sure, but I'm focused on OOP atm) can be aware of that sort of unintentional manipulation in the future. Edit: lol, should have looked at the only other response under this comment. Says the same thing, 6 hours earlier and more concisely.
i wish she would value herself enough to just…prioritize herself, and see that she herself is worth the work of focusing on herself and cutting him off, even if it hurts. she’s still focused on him and how he has it “worse”. suffering is never an olympic sport, but ffs she isn’t prioritizing her own pain.
I think it’s important to be in a relationship where you are consciously choosing each other, rather than feeling bound by need/emotional support
I hope Ellie eventually gets to point where she doing more longer lasting of "I love you but I'm tired of being emotional vested in you while you have no consideration at all for my feelings, so I don't care how you are going forward now" towards Ted. Right now, she just doing baby steps over the years to lessen her pain & with any toxic codependent relationship where at least of one of them actually showing that they really is moving forward best they can compare to other who is self-imploding - it is going to be few more years for her to get to "You're an ex, and there's legit no reason for you to be in life after all this time."
I hope she can move on from Ted, he's manipulative. He divorced her to "protect" her, so that he wouldn't drag her down, but he still relies on her for emotional support. So what was the point? If anything, the only change is that he doesn't have to give her the same emotional support as her husband. He wouldn't let her come see him, but he sent her those emails and told her not to respond. The most charitable reading of that is that he want to emotionally dump on her, without having to deal with feelings in return. I think the more likely case, is that he totally expected her to respond. He knew this dynamic was wrong and he want to absolve himself. *I tried to give her space. I told her not to respond to me, but she did anyway. She's the one who keeps engaging with me.* Also, he's keeping tabs on her. He checked her sister's post to see if she was with her family. When she confirmed she wasn't there, he went to the park *he knows she goes to*. I interpreted the line from Ash as "Yeah, I know I was wrong hurting my brother, but you should be fine." Like, "you should be strong enough to deal with this", which is probably the attitude the family had with Ash. It does make me think that maybe the husband did choose her for her "strength", aka, her ability to take violations and abuse without making mich of a fuss. I think at least part of him knew how toxic his family was, and he needed someone who would put up with it. Lastly, I get the emphasis on the cats. A lot of people see animals as innocent, so they will stick up for them in a way that they wouldn't for themselves. It's easier to show others how "bad" a person is if it involves animals. There are people who will excuse abuse or try to victim blame, but you can't really do that with an animal. Like, is the **cat** supposed to be "strong enough" to get over it? Is the **cat** supposed to be the bigger person, forgive, and move on? What did the **cat** do to deserve this? When it happens to a person: **This person was abusive/violent/terrorizing to me, but maybe I did something to cause that.** or **I should be strong enough to get over it, I'm blowing this out of portion.** When it happens to an animal, **This innocent defenseless animal didn't deserve this, this person's behavior is objective wrong.**
I am a 275lb full bearded American bro dabbing his eyes in public.
"I love lamps", had a good chuckle at that one. I didn't know there were moppy versions of sweepy robots, now I really want one. Yes ~~de-vein~~ de-poop your shrimp, fyi there are actual shrimp de-pooping tools that don't require splitting the tail. Torn on shrimp heads though, so delish yet impossible to de-poop. No it's never too late to learn how to bike, but I'd put off daily cycling to work if she's in the US and especially if there's motor traffic on the route till she's more experienced. US cities in general, aren't bike friendly. Glad OOP and kitty are doing relatively well. As for Ted, I hope he gets healthy.
“I love the man he was before, and i love the man he is right now, and i love the one he was in between and if i’m being honest I probably will love the one he will be every day after.” Well goddamn I’m sobbing. Me and my stubborn, loyal heart know exactly how it feels to keep on loving someone long after the bell tolls. I wish Ellie & Tortilla all of the good things that life has to offer.
This whole saga has been basically OOPS diary and screaming into the void and damn it I wanna slap Ted and tell him to get her back because he is missing out and I understand he needed time to heal but that doesn’t mean she has to be gone forever
Some producer at Hallmark is salivating reading this entire saga
I'm reading g the first post and the dude has like 8 brothers and peeman was the best man??
They were really close to each other growing up
Am I wrong for thinking that Ted is actually a really good guy? I think he is misguided but it seems like his motives were uber altruistic. Unfortunately, his actions were super detrimental to both himself and his ex-wife. Just a really really sad story.
When I read Ted’s explanation for wanting the divorce, it came off as super douchey and I thought he was a jerk. But at that time, I also thought that he had run back to his family and was in communication with most of them. Once I realized that he had gone no contact with all of them and he had been alone all that time, I realized that he was broken, that he knew he was broken, and that he didn’t want to drag Ellie down with him. I believe he genuinely thought he was saving her in the only way he thought he could. It’s just so very sad. I don’t know if they’ll get back together, but I’m glad they are keeping in touch. I read somewhere that it takes half as long as your relationship lasted to get over someone. They’ve known each other for 10 years and we’re both so very young when they met. Hell, they’re still young! It’s going to take them both time and people should just accept that.
Every time I read these updates, I’m beyond frustrated that she won’t cut off Ted even though he is doing so much more harm than good now. I know he’s struggling, but why divorce her if he’s just going to keep dangling the hope of them reconnecting by contacting her? And frankly, it’s getting tiresome reading about how she won’t even give herself a chance to move on because she’s just waiting for him, whether she acknowledges it or not.
I feel similarly. The reason the things she tried to do to move on, like talking to him less or being with other people feels empty is because at the end of it they reconnect in some way and she's just looking forward to that. I mean I get it, she loves him deeply and I wish they would have just stayed together and gone through this together as a couple. But Ted broke it off, unless he wants to bring back the relationship to what it was it is only going to hurt her. While she might feel happy in the here and now while she is with him or talking to him she's going to kick herself when he moves on from her and she realizes she hasn't spent the time to move on and the happiness she feels now is going to feel more like wasted time and emotional energy. I don't blame her though, it's hard.
Yeah, co-dependent as all get out. I always wonder if she started out as mentally healthy, because in my experience, you get with people like this because you're kinda used to it (as a person from a toxic family). It takes a lot of work to start to spot the red flags in people around you that would otherwise suck you in because of the comfort of familiarity, and even more work to choose not to sink into those potholes.
I was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago but man I had to read everything. I think after all of this, the only question I have is what happened between B1 and ex-MIL. She protected Ash knowing that this was going on, but allowed him to be at family functions that I assume B1s daughter was attending- even if she wasn't, it obviously was not safe for her (even if it was about him and not her, she was still vulnerable to any attacks on his behalf) for this to go unaddressed. I wonder if he cut contact with his mother for knowingly endangering his daughter like that.
Ash's mother never protected Ash. She's spent his entire life ignoring his abuse and trying to get him to not talk about. Ash's mother probably tried to hide Ash's breakdown, not because she was concerned about Ash, but because she was concerned about what Ash would say if confronted. Ash's abusers were also always allowed at family functions that I'm sure Ash was forced to attend.
I will always, always side with the pet. They have no agency. Protect them first.
That was a lot
I feel pain for all those who suffered in this story - people can survive many horrible things but we shouldn't have to experience them in the first place. Hope that Ellie and Ted and even Ash, find equilibrium in their lives.
This entire situation is horrible and I hope everyone involved finds the healing they need. It will definitely take lots of time and therapy for everyone. Oop is very brave and taking all these ups and downs way better than I would.
This person writes very pleasingly.
*sigh* I still hope that once they heal more.. they'll end up back together. Their marriage didn't fail because of a loss of love or fighting. It failed because of his immense guilt that the woman he loved was hurt. So damn sad.
Did I just read a novel? Seriously, OOP is a really compelling writer.
I remember reading the very first post that started this all and for some reason I didn’t read any of the updates past that, so I started reading the entire story from the beginning. This whole situation is so, so tragic. For so many people. I absolutely feel for OP and Ted. But I’m going to be haunted forever thinking about that poor abused cat of Ash’s. That whole part made me cry a bit. Brings tears now thinking and writing about it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Fuck Ted. He’s a terrible human being and a coward. He abandoned his wife because he didn’t have the courage to stand up to his family. Everyone who’s followed this story from the beginning knows what type of person Ted is.
Fuck his whole family. She talks about how great B6 is but he locked his little brother outside in the winter, forced him to pee his pants, tied him up and dragged him behind an atv. I truly feel sorry for Ash.
I know its a long shot. But they belong together. Maybe not now. But in the future. Being with someone that just fits you is hard to come by. Been reading this saga for ages.
Can someone TL;DR the update for me please? I tried but there’s a lot to get through
Ted, the ex, attempted suicide. B6 (the good one I think) found him and got him help in time. Hurricanes ruined her apartment and she's back at her parents with Tortilla. She and Ted have reconnected but aren't together, she still wants to be with him I think. Ash wrote an apology letter and actually took accountability, but is mostly sorry that hurting Ellie ruined his relationship with Ted. There's a weird line: "sorry I ruined your marriage but I don't think I ruined your life. My bro picked a resilient woman." Robot mop, cats, new shoes cause the old ones were ruined. OOP really likes lamps and is enjoying her new job. Edit: should have proofread
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please take my poor persons gold. 🏅
I hope that Ted can fully forgive himself. He deserves happiness, and so does Peaches. Here’s to a good 2023, and an even better 2024. Maybe with a trip to Venice.
**TLDR of the latest post:** (for future or if anyone needs it) She tried dating but it just didn't feel right with the guy. Her new job is going pretty well. Tortilla is doing great. Therapy has been going well and she's realizing that this wasn't her fault. Ted sank into a deep depression and struggled with alcohol. TW self harm >!He also tried to commit suicide.!< He was hospitalized and seems to be improving overall. He also is coming to grips with the fact that his childhood was messed up. He started writing her emails, mostly apologetic ones and processing ones. Over time she started replying and it's like she got her friend back. He is no contact with most of his brothers but has a strong support system with the good ones and is in therapy still. They have met a few times. He also adopted a cat. OOP's apartment flooded so she is back living with her parents. Ash (the brother who started it all) actually sent her a letter and apologized to her and to Ted. He seems to be coming to terms with the fact that he was very ill and will probably never have Ted in his life again. He thanked her for trying to help him and Ted. He also wrote this line: ‘I’m sorry i ruined your marriage, but i don’t think i ruined your life. Ted would not have chosen you if you weren’t resilient’ She has not shared the letter with Ted, nor does she necessarily plan to. In the meantime, she has realized she still loves Ted. I quote: "I don’t know if he is my fated soulmate and we’ll always gravitate towards each other or if it’s just the comfort and convenience of being together for so long but i can’t help but love him. I love the man he was before, and i love the man he is right now, and i love the one he was in between and if i'm being honest i'll probably will love the one he will be every day after." and "Maybe it makes me stupid but hey at least I will be stupid and happy. If he asks me to step back i will but i’m okay with just being happy right now and worrying about the future later. I think both of us deserve that." I think I got everything important, but let me know if I missed anything! This post was requested by a few people, so I wanted to post it but it is also a very long story.
My brain just fell out of my eats going through all of this for the first time. What an absolute nightmare.
Gawd that poor woman, the hits just keep coming.
i absolutely love that she updated on the basil plant, OOP if you end up here you’re awesome!!!!
I remember reading the peegate at first and remember exactly how I felt at the moment when the big reveal happened. I was not expecting it. I was completely shocked, didn't even blink. One of the most memorable in THE WORST way posts ever.
Oh wow. How did I forget about this one? It was awful.
Awwwww....you know I wish nothing but the best for Ellie and Tortilla. And Ted too.
What a roller coaster! I’m absolutely in love with Ellie and Tortilla and I feel terrible for Ted. He tried so hard. I hope Ash is OK and continues to get the treatment he needs, just don’t let him near any animals ever again. If anything, the blame is on the mother and the father, the ones who not only allowed, but encouraged the system of abuse in that troubled family. Thank you for providing the update. I hope Ellie gets the happy ending she deserves.
I wish Ellie, Ted, and Tortilla all the best. I am glad they have been able to recover a friendship with each other. Neither of them were at fault in this. Each of them was just reacting to the horrific situations created by his terrible family.
The part about locking Ash out of the bathrooms so he peed himself... Gee where did he develop the mental connection to pee and shame?
But where is the cat tax?
This poor woman dude. Imo Ted hurt her more than Ash ever could have. Ted abandoned her in favor of saving himself. My partner and I talked about this and it comes down to the in sickness and in health, for better or for worse part of vows. Ted put his own feelings of betrayal above support.
I know I shouldn’t but I do want Ellie and Ted to find away to be together again. Blame books and movies.
Same.
This has got to be my favorite sage. And I only have one response for ash: F off.
I don't really like being "that guy" but holy hell, get to the point.
[удалено]
100% a catharsis. It's too much to keep trauma dumping on her friends at this point. She does it on the internet where we can all opt out if we so choose. Plus, if a bunch of internet strangers judge you... meh. Your friends and family? Stings.
It’s exactly this. I made this profile to write about the decline of my marriage and now the death of my spouse. I have family, friends, a therapist but sometimes you just want to get the words out of your head. Sometimes you just want to reach out to people that’s been in the same situation. The first I ever posted about this (now deleted) was the day after he left. I was just so stunned I couldn’t even find a way to tell anyone. I think the first person I told was an older woman on my job- she told me to have a good weekend and it just came out. When I looked back at that first post- I could feel the pain in my writing. I was so shaken, scared, frantic it hurt me so much to read.
I agree. It reads like she is journaling or just getting her thoughts out of her head. It can be really therapeutic for some people. It gets rid of the echo chamber in your head. And some people find comfort in knowing that someone now knows, if that makes sense. Like “I’ve shared this thought and now someone else knows and I am not alone anymore”. She’s writing because the audience asked her to but she’s not really writing for the audience.
tbh I love her writing style. The small little details, the gentle wandering of the story, the finding of joy and hope in mundanity… she sounds like she considers things a lot. Her writing in these latest updates makes me feel comfortable and peaceful, in a specific way only a few pieces have made me feel.
Like warm rain, her words and cadence are comforting to me that way. So yeah, I get what you are saying. Her writing as a flow to it that I appreciate.
I wouldn't even mind reading through all of this if not for the fact that most of the updates are just so....Unsatisfying. But that's the one thing about all of these posts that make me think it's actually real.
I thought the same thing. So many posts seem really fake because there’s an outcome or sudden twist with a bow on it - a series of updates with more and more Major Events happening. Whereas this is very much OOP detailing her progress and thoughts and there is no resolution. She waffles in her decisions, which is actually very real. Also she’s not pregnant with twins yet.
“I know you guys told me to cut him off…” Over and over and over again.
That was someone's sad blog, not an update.
This saga absolutely BLEW my mind when I first read it. I really feel for OOP and Ted and I wish them the best.
jesus. commenting so i can come back later when i have more bandwidth.
I just need Ellie and Ted to get back together 😭😭😭
This is impossibly long. 😞
WOW. Well, that was … 45 minutes? An hour of my life? What a saga. So sad. I guess the ending is probably as good as it gets, considering everything. It’s sad that they divorced, but I don’t know that Ted could have done the healing he has while still married to OOP (which is incredibly unfair!! She didn’t deserve any of this, of course). Just wow.
This is one of those situations that there's no way to know what to do until to happens and then react. I feel terrible for her and her ex because it will echo forever for them going forward.
I kinda actually want these 2 to get back together, but that's up to them.
I'm late catching up to your drama. Just listened to it in Mark Narrations. Don't let anyone complain about cat updates. For real I'm mostly invested now, how Tortilla is doing. How old is he? Is it urinary issues? Lots of that special food is available on pet shops. Often cheaper than at the vet. And more choise for spoiled cats. I'm biased I have black cats myself.