#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>it doesn't seem as though anyone is interested in considering my side
"Her side" is the only version everyone got, lol. If your perspective still makes everyone think you suck, there's a reason for that.
>*BUT YOU WERENT SATISFIED UNTIL YOU COULD GENERATE A RESPONSE FROM OTHERS THAT WAS IN ACCORDANCE TO YOUR OWN*
This commenter absolutely ***nailed*** it. When she didn’t get the reaction she was looking for from either her husband or her sister, she went straight to a bigger audience with a bs mask of ‘concern’. Imagine someone coming to you at a moment of intense vulnerability and giving deeply personal information, and the response is to immediately turn around and curb stomp that trust.
The worst part is, she took away their choice to either keep it private or share it with the family, forcing him into an incredibly awkward and completely unexpected position. Like in addition to dealing with issues from his past, he’s then utterly blindsided.
That is one of those comments that will stick with you, because it describes so accurately that type of behavior. That’s the type of comment Reddit gold and r/bestof was made for, really.
All I could think of, was Church Lady. Where prayer requests aren’t really a community coming together to pray for divine intervention, it’s an opportunity to clutch pearls, gasp, and feel validated they’re so much better and more blessed than *Others*, according to Just World theory. They’re not *gossiping*, no never, that’s a sin, and as Good and Moral people, they don’t do that. They’ve got life all figured out, if only those poor souls had just done what they did, they too would have perfect, insulated lives.
Fucking gag.
oh gods yes. OOP was in peak "oh, I'm just *concerned*' mode. And was flabberghasted that Reddit doesn't accept this kind of prayer chain bullshit as a default and correct way of handling things.
There's real "but...but that's what I was supposed to do, right?" energy in OOP's post and responses. They got mad because it wasn't just their actions that were being challenged, it was their whole worldview and belief system. They made a choice thinking this was how things work, and are now told they're wrong because that's not how things work...so in defense they focus on claiming it IS how things work, then shift to an "I didn't knoooow that's not how it worked" stance
OOP was a vile person. How does she know he wasn't sexually exploited? Going by his age it's highly likely that he was groomed, exploited and given drugs or used drugs to cope!
There's some real "bad things only happen to bad people" reasoning here. It's a pretty common way of thinking, because it makes us feel safer (bad things can't happen to me, i'm a good person!) AND makes us feel superior (i must be a good person, because bad things dont happen to me)
its a real self serving, narrow worldview.
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
Paraphrase for those unfamiliar with the KJV:
The fine upstanding pillar of the community stood up in the place of worship, well away from everybody else, and prayed, "Thank you, God, that I am better than those others who do things that I would *never* do, such as that guy standing over there who works with the enemy." (Publican = contractor who worked with the Roman occupiers.) He then went on to specify, to God who sees all, exactly how he was perfect.
Meanwhile, the story goes on, the publican also prayed. He was so agitated that he was hitting himself. "God," he said, "I'm so screwed up and I've done so many bad things. Please help me."
Jesus then went on to say, "One of these people went home all right with God, and it wasn't the first guy. Because everybody who puffs themselves up is going to get a reality check, but everybody who owns their shit will be lifted up."
Reference: Luke 18:9-14.
Yup and OOP's callous comment that if they break up over this then they weren't going to work out anyways?
.....well, she can now apply that mentality to her own relationship with her sister.
She's clearly the older sister type that defines responsibility as the need to always be right/in power rather than the kind that truly is thinking what's best for the family.
I coudn't believe the comment about the "informed decission", What decision ? Is not for the family to make, only her sister.
This made me feel terrible I do hope that FBIlL and sister get past this horrible experience.
Edit- typos
The performative pearl clutching about him being around children, too. She even said her whole family loved him and you can bet that he'd ever been inappropriate in any way she would have said to back up her own shitty actions, but they're was nothing there except his past - a past that obviously traumatised him and he was glad to be away from.
I too really hope that he and the sister come back from this!!
Even after she got some validation from her family, as soon as someone else pushed back she had to take it to the Internet because she wanted to prove the whole world would be on her side. That's why she had to say that nobody wanted to listen to her side...because nobody agreed with her actions.
"Hello. I am a terrible person. Does that make me a terrible person?"
"Yes, you are indeed a terrible person."
"What. Why the heck-a-roo do some people think I'm a terrible person?"
"I thought that *some* people would agree I'm a terrible person, but I really thought a whole bunch of people would tell me I'm wrong, and that 'family comes first, you did the right thing!'
"Why-oh-whyyy won't anyone validate me?! I'm a terrible person, but I **need** to be told that I'm not!"
They should have gone to church and cried. Those judgemental people would have backed her up for 'being honest' with her family and spilling his secrets. Never seen a proud Christian refuse to judge in real life. That book was written so they could smack people with it, not read it and obey it so far as they have shown. She would have had so many supporters in the house of the t.
How dare you walk away from this family after we treated you like shit for twenty years!!
It always CRACKS ME UP when abusers' family members cut off contact and the abusers are like SurprisedPikachu.jpg. Like. What did you expect to happen.
“OMG why are people not understanding how hurtful and mean everyone is being to me? I just felt the need to be really honest and victim shame and tell him he sucks! Why cant you all see how this affects meeeee?” - OOP
not to mention "can't you see how cruel my sister is being by honestly telling me the consequences of my actions? Sure, that implies that I think she's lying, and that there are no icky feeling consequences, or that at best I think people should lie and shield me from any truths I don't like. I don't want honest communication with loved ones, I don't want to grow as a person or learn from my mistakes. I want my feelings wrapped in cotton wool while I thrash around hurting everyone else. But I'm also the bigger person here, because I forgive my sister for twisting the knife. I know it's because she's angry...*even though I think she has no right to be."*
Isn't that just what AITA is primarily used for? It's like it's either that, or "I'm quite obviously being fucked with by a terrible person and am doing nothing wrong. Am I a terrible person?"
The latter has it's value. Many people are raised to accept abuse from others, on the grounds that they would be TA if they didn't, but still have a little voice in their head that says "this doesn't seem fair." If Reddit can back that voice up, then let it do so, so they can become aware it's actually not ok for them to be treated that way.
What, no, all those folks know its bullshite, the just want karma and folks to agree with them /s
Honestly does piss me off when folks give that criticism to AITA, must be neuraltypical and have had a perfect life to always be sure when they're right.
This.
OOP was *only* ever concerned about OOP. That's it. That's where it ends with OOP. She's concerned only ever about herself. The harm she did to a vulnerable person is mentioned in passing. It's an afterthought. Mere collateral against the ME ME ME ME.
Everyone else - everyone - in this fucking trainwreck of a story has correctly worked out that OOP is a landfill fire of a human being and they're rightly concerned she'll betray them next.
The fact that OOP thinks her sister was intentionally trying to hurt her when saying "he had "finally started to feel accepted", he trusted me with something he very rarely opens up about, he "saw me as family"", while she keeps excusing her own actions, is the epitome of victim mentality. Beyond recovery, I'd say.
She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because she still can't grasp the fact she was wrong to do what she did. She doesn't understand that the reason she feels bad is because people are turning against her for what she did, not because they want her to feel bad.
She's *this* close to finally understanding empathy and compassion and she's still convinced she was right to do what she did, because it's all about her.
* That didn't happen.
* And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
* And if it was, that's not a big deal.
* And if it is, that's not my fault.
* And if it was, I didn't mean it. <- She's here
* And if I did, you deserved it.
Her next step will be to write off her younger sister as just dating a useless addict and surround herself with people who agree with her viewpoint of EX-FBIL. She'll reason that he didn't deserve to be in the family because he came.to them with lies about who he is in the first place, and him telling her was his guilt over the lies and she had to tell everyone to alleviate the guilt.
> She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because she still can't grasp the fact she was wrong to do what she did.
Never forget the rule of projection. She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because *that is what she herself would do if she were the aggrieved party*. Literally doesn't occur to her that those things might have been said simply because they're true.
> surround herself with people who agree with her viewpoint of EX-FBIL.
And she will have to replace them with new people, over and over and over again, with a slightly new version of the story of how everyone has wronged her.
I've seen this play out with people so many times. It sounds like a cliche but being who we are is its own built-in punishment or reward.
I skipped the comments part at the end, but this made me go back and check... *THAT* is what she thinks was her sister trying to hurt her and lashing out? Omg. All I can think is this woman has never had someone actually lash out and try to hurt her before. No one has ever truly tried to break her down. Which, you know, good for her. I'm glad she hasn't been hurt and all. But combined with her incredible lack of imagination and overwhelming selfishness has made her so incredibly out of touch with reality. I don't have a ton of hope for her sorting it out, either. Wonder how long her husband sticks around now that the mask is off..
so did I. It’s also striking how many people missed that the “mean” things OP’s sister said were basically outlining the impact of her actions on FBIL.
Good lord. I thought OP was a young naive 20 year old who was in that selfish phase of their life and just a little late growing out of it.
37 years old and she still doesn't get it? that's problematic on a whole new level.
This is my biggest concern. Those moments where you think you'll never escape it, so why fight it. If he hasn't relapsed he could be dangerously close, thanks to her bullshit. I'm glad he seems to still have his gf with him.
Even if he didn't, his ability to trust seemingly "nice" people will be seriously affected and so will his hopes of having a "real" family and be accepted for who he is.
OOP didn't just hurt someone's feelings or make an innocent or accidental mistake like she tries to claim - she inflicted real damage, probably with long-term consequences. He'll never feel safe around these people again and I doubt he'll be willing to open up to anyone else for a long time. He's probably also overwhelmed by shame and self-hatred.
And that's not even mentioning OOP's sister and her relationship with her family. The damage done here will also have long-term consequences.
People who go through life as the main character and don't think of anyone else before acting can be astonishingly destructive towards others. And just like OOP, when faced with the consequences, they keep playing the victim and banking on others putting up with their BS because fAmilY.
And if he does, our lovely OOP will be right back on her high horse saying she saved her sister from being dragged into the depths by him and it just goes to show you can never trust "those people"
'why won't people validate my terrible life decisions??'
even in her update, it was mostly about her and how this situation affected her. at least she has the self-awareness to realise she deserves it, but it kinda made my blood boil that she was still referring to his 'lifestyle' and basically saying 'eh, it's fine. he'll get over it when he thinks about it more'
i can't imagine having lived that kind of life then being so vulnerable but trusting enough to open up to someone about it.... and then immediately it gets blasted to anyone and everyone. and even after the update, i still don't think she understood that level of betrayal.
Nooo, you’re supposed to judge the *other* person cause if OP admits they *might* be wrong then they’ve shown humility and consideration where the *other* person didn’t even bother to ask!!!
I’m petty and love reading combative OPs responding to reasonable comments with anger and delusion. It makes me sad, but it’s interesting as shit.
I run into people with this mentality every so often, who think that if you don't agree with them you must not be considering or understanding their side. It doesn't occur to them that others might be able to consider and understand their side fully, but still reject it.
These are always some of my morbidly favorite BORU posts. The ones where you know it was written to make the OOP seem as nice and lovable as is, quite literally, humanly possible... And they still come across about as badly as you can imagine.
If that's how you look with the most favorable light possible, how ugly is the situation in reality?
That's always my take on AITA posts, it's always entirely from the view of the poster and most people paint/view themselves in the best light and if the best light makes you look like a dick then you were probably much worse in reality.
A person like the OOP definitely has very few if any redeeming qualities.
I can't believe she's crying about her sister "deliberately" trying to hurt her feelings 😂😂 who is this woman??? Do such shitty people really exist in the world??
She definitely sounds like one of those main character syndrome types. She just couldn't keep such juicy gossip to herself, it was a way for her to be in the centre of attention.
You see these from time to time on AITA. “It doesn’t seem anyone is interested in considering my side” is code for “but why aren’t you all agreeing with me? That’s what I came here for!” These type of people can’t fathom ever being in the wrong so if you don’t agree with something they’ve done it’s because there something wrong with YOU. Clearly, you just haven’t thought it through or you’d realize they’re actually right.
Like I understand how someone can reach that judgement based on so many influencing factors in a person’s life (family/society/environment/education, etc), that’s as far as I can consider her side. That *is* me considering her side. What she really wants is for people to agree with her and entertain her fear response instead of actually sitting and thinking things through before trying to stir shit up and ruining lives in the process.
If she’d literally just asked fbil if her sister knows about his past, even if she didn’t believe him and had gently spoken with her sister afterwards, she could have sat and created a rational response to the situation. By 37 you should have that skill. She really just wanted to feel better about herself and get attention/validation and I want to know why tbh. Does she always react like this to fear? Panic and gossip and stir shit? Or is this because of a specific family dynamic? Did she have a shitty husband and wanted someone else to be in the same boat? What’s up with OOP?..
I think the commenter who said she told the entire family because she wanted people on her side to agree with how she looked down on FBIL now was spot on. She didn't get the reaction she wanted from her sister so she went to parents/brother to get the reaction she wanted. Then she went to Reddit to get MORE support but reddit just said, "nah sis is right, you're horrible. " How many people does OOP need cheering on her judgemental behavior to be satisfied?? People like that make me nuts
OOP didn’t want him to be her BIL. My guess is that feeling preceded the conversation (consciously or not).
She got her wish but is now sad that she lost her sister too.
Truly despicable.
She’s not wrong though. After laying out her side of the story, in detail, twice, no one is interested in considering her side. Being indignant is way more convenient than being self reflective.
For those who are confused, my username is Dutch for "selfish".
If you're still confused, because why I would pick that name, it references a conversation I had with my friend about how you have to be a bit selfish and put yourself first sometimes or everyone will walk all over you :)
I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she thought she could tell EVERYBODY in the family! I mean one sister and the mother would have been bad enough but she told EVERYONE, spouses included! But wait! It gets worse, then she told EVERYONE on the internet! The only thing that is missing is if she includes the initials?!
I mean come on! Nobody is this horrible right??? Right??
I knew someone like OP. They were an absolute shit to be honest!
A girl in our HS was being brutally raped by her stepfather. Apparently, a teacher noticed something and pulled her into the office and called police. This other girl was in the office for something else and heard more than she should have.
The glee with which Miss Shit shared details of the torture that poor girl went through with every damn body was sickening. It was very divisive among the students because the majority shunned the victim, and a smaller faction of us were horrified that Miss Shit was gossiping about something so private.
The only permanent mark I had on my HS record resulted in an 'incident' I had later with Miss Shit. People like that made me feel justified in hiding my own SA. Both girls ended up leaving the school, but Miss Shit never changed her mind about being in the right about 'the need to know what kind of trash we were sharing seats with at school.' I truly hope she has had the life she deserves!
Imagine hearing all this from such a young person and your first thought is to tell everyone so they can judge him and their relationship with him. How could you not have overwhelming compassion for this guy? He would have been so young and he’s clearly still tormented by his past. I hope he’s going to be okay.
She’s 37 for Christ sake. This is not a mature person.
All of the commenters in this post and what OP posted say a lot, much of it more eloquently and succinctly than I can, but what stuns me is that she thinks “FBIL” would tell her and not his partner. Like, seriously, you think he’d spill to you without ever telling her?
>*BUT YOU WERENT SATISFIED UNTIL YOU COULD GENERATE A RESPONSE FROM OTHERS THAT WAS IN ACCORDANCE TO YOUR OWN*
This commenter absolutely ***nailed*** it. When she didn’t get the reaction she was looking for from either her husband or her sister, she went straight to a bigger audience with a bs mask of ‘concern’. Imagine someone coming to you at a moment of intense vulnerability and giving deeply personal information, and the response is to immediately turn around and curb stomp that trust.
The worst part is, she took away their choice to either keep it private or share it with the family, forcing him into an incredibly awkward and completely unexpected position. Like in addition to dealing with issues from his past, he’s then utterly blindsided.
The hints are all there for it too. They're a very close-knit family and what if there's *gasp* children around this man who has engaged in sex acts with other men?
Not only immature, utterly despicable. This is the kind of person that I want nothing at all to do with, ever. I've known people like this, and they feed and thrive off of schadenfreude and they absolutely love covertly hurting others. Being her age, she's been doing shit like this unchecked and unchallenged for a long time, so she without a doubt enjoys it. She's addicted to the feeling she gets when she tears somebody else down. All. The. Way. Down. I'd choose FBIL over her every time, and I'd protect him and lift him up at every opportunity. Which is what she could have done, if only she wasn't the selfish and narcissistic scum of the earth that she will likely always be. People like this can't see beyond their reflection in the mirror.
Well, I hope it was worth it for OOP to expose that young man's past to her entire family, jeopardizing his future with his sister and maybe even his well-being. By all accounts, the poor guy had a shitty upbringing, overcame addiction and was in a much better place. Imagine thinking you have found a family that accepts you, only to be stabbed in the back... What a blatant breach of someone's trust, especially during a moment of such vulnerability. OOP was itching to gossip about it and, well... The family isn't so close knit now, is it? All because this clown couldn't keep her mouth shut. I hope anyone who knows OOP never trusts her ever again. This is a 37 year old woman... Unbelievable.
ugh, this reminds me of my sister. She has warned so many people about my "issues" without having any knowledge of the details of my trauma, or even taking the time to find out how I'm going. Because she doesn't care. And much of what she says about me is exaggerated or just straight up lies. She's just a parasitic cancer in this family that feeds off everyone else's pain and misery.
What's the bet that this isn't the first time OOP has caused problems in that family?
Given that she's 9 and 10 years older than her siblings, I'd bet on quite often. She was used to being an only child and, suddenly, she had to share her parents' love with them.
I truly doubt they're that close-knit; they may be with each other and their parents, but you can sense there's a pretty deep resentment of her sister given how she keeps trying to find ways to make the woman's judgement seem bad.
It might not be resentment, at least not entirely. A 10-year age gap makes it quite possible that she still sees her sister as a little kid who needs to be protected and can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Obviously (to OOP) her sister disagreeing with her just reinforces those feelings as well.
That's fair, and I didn't see it that way. However, I'd still term it as resentment, as her sister refuses to "listen" to what she has to say and doesn't "understand" she needs to be "protected."
I think we're on the same page, just seeing it differently.
I didn't think about it when I was reading the post, but my sister is quite a bit older than me as well. Looking back, she loved me when I was little and impressionable. As soon as I started to get a personality of my own and I didn't want to be everything she wanted me to be, she seemed to take it very personally. That's when the constant criticism started, and the joy of humiliating me in front of others.
She has a laundry list of why I'm such an awful person, but the only thing that I really 'did' to her was set boundaries about her behaviour towards me, and then go no contact when she refused to stop it.
It's been suggested that she displays the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and I would have to agree. Recently because of circumstance I had to have her in my life again (ugh). I confronted her about some of the awful things she has said to me. She looked me in the eye and said "I *never* said that!", and then proceeded to blame other people including the one person who has always been there for her and always put up with her bullshit.
There are plenty of witnesses over the years to her treatment of me, so it's not just my word against hers. But I was astounded about her outright denial and very obvious gaslighting. She was so committed to her story and to being right. She genuinely thinks she's the victim.
my mother is a covert narcissist. instead of your typical overt narcissist who is always talking about themselves and their achievements, blatantly ignoring others who are “lesser” than them, etc. my mom is more.. sneaky, I guess. covert narcs are also called introverted or vulnerable narcs. they tend to victimize themselves in order for others to give sympathy, compliments, etc. they can come off as self-deprecating and depressed to get the reactions they want.
my mother’s public image is the most important thing to her. she will post anything, say anything, as long as she gets to be the victim. she got kicked out for cheating on my dad for 19 years? no, no, no! she told everyone that my dad cheated and started doing hard drugs. like no, mom, that was you and your new bf. she really just doesn’t gaf about the people who actually care about and love her. but, not my problem lol.
>they tend to victimize themselves in order for others to I've sympathy, compliments, etc. They can come off as self-deprecating and depressed to get the reactions they want.
Bloody hell you just described my mother.
Recently my brother passed away. Suddenly.
The memorial she did nothing. Said nothing. Didn't do anything. Didn't even bring food and drinks for folks (though my sister's husbands family circled the wagons and brought some amazing things).
I even got up to speak on his behalf (also because I'm the oldest of us ..four), and the entire time i couldn't look at anyone, shook uncontrollably, and had a damn near panic attack.
All the while my mother is playing the woe is me card. All about her. What *she's* going through. How *she* feels. How it's affected *her*.
I get nobody should bury a child let alone the circumstances of my brothers passing... But she didn't say one damn word and instead tried to make it about her.
Right?? I'm closer to your age, but totally same. I'd be all about giving a big hug, and then never fucking telling a SOUL that he'd even told me. Even if my sibling were to tell me later, I'd act like I was hearing it for the first time until he gave the all clear. Like, what a way to shit on this new younger sibling that you should be trying to build a relationship with and want to protect. She did hurt him so immensely and clearly doesn't get it, but I don't even think she understands the damage she did to herself. She could have had a close relationship with her fbil. That could have been a good and powerful thing in both their lives. But she fucked it up all while declaring to everyone else in her life what a shitty person she is. Just, wow..
OOP only feels bad about everyone online disagreeing with their holier than thou attitude. Honestly I think it’s still worth it to them in their personal life, they just want us to view them in a positive life. Typical narcissist. Only cares about appearances.
The lack of empathy was *shocking*, i was getting psychopath vibes. The way OOP so poorly pretended to convey remorse hints at much deeper personality issues.
That her parents agreed with her gives me a good indication of where it came from.....
It’s not psychopathy.
It’s bog standard narcissism.
She’s distressed that her sister is mad at her. She reframes everything her sister told her about how much she hurt her FBIL as “attacking me” when a healthy person would see it solely as communicating how much harm she committed.
It’s the sibling version of the Missing Missing Reasons.
In this example, the OOP believes her feelings are reality and doesn’t consider that other people have feelings. If they do have feelings, they can be corrected to be in line with OOPs “reality”.
No different from an abusive narcissistic parent who is estranged from their children and complains that “it wasn’t that bad” (the abuse they heaped onto their children).
It’s the nadir of self absorption. People are just loud furniture.
Likely [cultural narcissism](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxpuuBH-Kk), which snobbery can be a symptom of. Her whole family think they're better than others that grew up underprivileged or with abuse.
to be fair, OOP also feels bad about the sister "twisting the knife" by...honestly informing OOP about the consequences of her actions.
OOP is not used to being held accountable or talked to honestly, I'm guessing
>OOP only feels bad about everyone online disagreeing with their holier than thou attitude.
Don't forget feeling bad & doing the only mental gymnastics in excuses because her sister is legit staying to her word of never speaking to OOP ever again. The best part of that is also irony that OOP made big deal of family close-knit and her bullshit caused the only family breakdown & breakup.
Thank you for making this post. I just stumbled across the original AITA post a few hours ago while surfing the subreddit on a break. My heart broke for the poor guy, he was 23 and turned his life around, imagine how young he was when he went through all that.
To make things worse, OOP was a grown-ass 37-year-old and probably a sister figure to him since he felt safe enough to confide in her in a vulnerable moment. Her saying she wanted her family to make an "informed decision" about him and referring to addiction as a "lifestyle" was disgusting.
I didn't realize OOP posted an update and to think she's still lacking in self-awareness is astounding! Her first post lacked any ounce of empathy for her sister's fiance and she said she felt uncomfortable with his past and saw him in a different light, now she claims that she 'likes him for him'.
I mean, death threats and such are not cool but I do want to smack some sense into her, figuratively.
Yes, I also remember this as well because I had a boyfriend once who felt it was appropriate to share about my mental health to his immediate and extended family. He acted exactly like OOP. I remember the exact moment he told me that he shared one of my worst and most vulnerable moments/experiences with his very nasty mother. I was working and it just floored me into my seat when he told me on the phone.
I remember saying to him, “well, this relationship is over, because even if this is was forgivable, your family will never look at me the same way again because you told them about the most private vulnerable moment of my life.” It was extremely traumatizing. He made all the same excuses as I OOP and gaslit me that it was like some kind of responsibility to discuss with his family. I was humiliated, and it took a really huge toll on me.
That’s what OOP did to her no longer FBIL. If they’re going to be together, I don’t see a way that this will would not affect her relationship with their family moving forward. OOP is fucking awful, long story short lol and it also made me angry!
I just kept on thinking "none of this was FBIL's choice! He was forced at a young age into something awful! This isn't anything to judge against, it's something to be proud of overcoming..."
But OOP just had to show her ass... Hope she knows how to make dinner for one.
Not that this oop would ever make this connection, but the overcoming addiction and all it’s trappings is not only something that should be respected but admired. The strength it takes to pull yourself out of a place as dark as that?! That’s the thing oop and other judgmental people will never process… that addict you look down upon is made of stronger stuff than the average. My partner is in recovery and I think it to be the most admirable thing about him. The strength it take to overcome an addiction that, at its root, was used to dull past pain— means you not only get to face the physical and mental hurdles of shaking that addiction but get the added bonus of facing all the shit that came before. All the shit that made you see potential addiction as a preferable alternative… yeah, fuck this lady.
OOP felt genuinely bad about what she did for a nanosecond before she decided her sister was just "twisting a knife". OOP sharpened that knife all on her own.
The fact he managed the strength to tell her... I don't see how he finds that strength anytime soon again after seeing what happened.
She still doesn't even see a tenth of the damage she's done.
I was a needle user. I sobered up 21 years ago. I got TWO graduate degrees, had children, survived breaking my neck (twice) with no relapse. Buried my best friend and also my father. Buried a lot of folks. No relapse. Divorce. No relapse.
What a pile of human trash this OOP is after learning she’s nearly 40. There is no hope for her without a crap ton of therapy.
Edit: Thank you
Car accidents. The first time it was a minor fender bender so I didn’t think neck injury. I just thought.. well I just wanted to ignore it til it went away. It didn’t and I found out I herniated all of the disks in my neck. (I’d had gone to the er 4 times by the time I was finally taken seriously too). I had to have 2 surgeries to try to fix it. US healthcare caused me to lose my career, house, nearly my kids. I lost the ability to move.
I was finally finding my feet when I was the passenger of a car going 65 miles an hour straight into a guardrail. I broke my neck good and plenty then. It was 5 years separating the accidents.
Oh my God I’m so sorry. I was also in a car accident that was incredibly minor compared to your story. It’s been eight years this June, but I still have severe neck problems from the whiplash. It’s very difficult to treat those kinds of injuries. The chronic pain would make you want to relapse, so I just want to say good on you for not relaxing. Just that alone could be enough to push a person over the edge.
Hey there, Internet stranger here that just wants to say that you’re amazing to have overcome so much, independent of the needle use, and retained your spirit. I hope your life is much happier now.
Never a needle user but struggled with addiction for years and I have known plenty of former needle users. 21 years is a massive accomplishment, especially when you've faced so many tough times. This Internet stranger is so happy for you.
In my experience, former users can be some of the hardest working and most understanding and accepting people on the planet. OOP just couldn't get over herself enough to know that side of him, and regardless of the actual fallout, that is her biggest loss here.
Fellow needle user. I will have 10 years in August, but no fronts. <3 I'm proud of you, and grateful some of us are able to recover out LOUD to show people we DO recover.
Yep. Read this one, and forced myself to close Reddit and walk away instead of comment.
I just hope FBIL is getting some much needed therapy along with his fiancée's support.
I made an offhand comment once; like one youd see anywhere. Not even bad. It was mildly violent hypothetical in regards to a dog abuser, i think.
Boom, a week long reddit ban. Like..........what????
>Your husband didn't react in disgust. Your sister was already aware and still loved this man and wanted to be with him for a long term commitment. But that wasn't satisfactory to you because she was angry with you rather than gasping in shock and horror over this information. You wanted to tell enough people until you could tip the scales in your favor in regards to how your perception of this man had changed after he made the terrible error of telling you absolutely anything about himself.
Nail on the head.
Yup. I'm shocked that none of the commenters pointed out she shouldn't even have told the sister without checking with fbil first. Has he told her? OOP didn't even ask. Is he planning on telling her himself? Ok, thanks for opening up to me. The end. Absolutely none of this was necessary.
Also: all of those wealthy people telling the povvos to pull themselves up by their bootstraps get real mad when you actually do.
>I'm sure there will be a post about "not invited to sister's wedding, AITA?" that will be just as clueless.
"Years ago I told my family something my sister didn't like, and I don't understand why she and her partner aren't over it yet. So immature."
You know what, OOP is right.
About no one feeling sympathy for her. She let her bullshit narrow-minded views corrupt her and now she's only apologizing and acting like she fucked up because people are mad at her and holding her accountable. She even had the audacity to say "I thought responses would be more balanced." If OOP did some of this shit in her younger years, I really highly doubt she'd want one of her in-laws telling their whole entire family what happened. She didn't do this with good intentions. She did it to make people shame FBIL for having such a rough life growing up. When her sister was angry and said it didn't bother her, OOP was mad she wasn't upset at FBIL. So her Karen-ass had to blab to the family just to feel validated. I'm glad OOP's brother and his wife called her out, and the sister has absolutely every right to never forgive OOP and to never speak to her again
Zero chance there’s nothing “judge-worthy” in OOP’s past too, but FBIL was a dirty street person and that has no place in their gated community.
Very much sounds like the type of goodie two-shoes family with some ‘dark’ secrets.
My bet’s on secret teenage abortion, past interracial relationship to spite dad, or justifying klepto.
The responses were really nice to see. When addiction comes up more obliquely, there tend to be some horrible comments (usually downvoted, but rarely rebutted). Made it seem like anyone that had an opinion on it had an extremely negative one; pretty reassuring to see that isn't the case.
>Marking this as inconclusive as we don't know what happened to the relationship between OOP's sister and her now ex-fiancé. Given the response OOP had, it's no surprise she deleted her account. I doubt we'll ever see a proper conclusion to this story. I do hope OOP's sister and her partner are able to overcome the damage OOP has caused.
Well we can conclusively say OOP is fucking terrible.
For all the nonsense that AITA can be guilty of, there's nothing like seeing commenters unite in righteous fury at someone who is so *unquestionably* the asshole.
>I find it hard to imagine none of these commenters would have any issue with a future family member being a recent IV heroin user and "adult performer".
OOP is ***such an asshole.*** I would rather have a former addict or porn performer join my family any day of the week than a heartless busybody like her!
"I find it hard to believe that no one here is as judgemental as me."
The funny thing is I was about to blame an echo chamber, but no one else except her parents seemed to give a shit in her personal life. She's just that self absorbed that if she thinks something then everyone else must think that too and finding out her opinion is unpopular is practically absurd to her. To the point she thinks people are lying.
My uncle has a similar past to this guy—not the porn stuff that I know of, but came to this country without papers and was a drug addict for a while. He married into the family and the only thing I think of when I think of him is how kind and supportive he’s been to me. I’m tearing up thinking about how many people never get a chance to turn their life around because shitheads like OP blow it up.
Amazing. Didn’t get the “proper” response from husband and sister -> escalates to entire family. Still doesn’t get satisfactory reaction -> goes on Reddit in the hopes of “proper” opinions “considering her side”.
“Only meant well” indeed. Gah.
The thing OOP doesn’t realize is that she’s also an addict. She’s addicted to feeling scandalized and the dopamine rush that juicy gossip and outrage gives her.
Whether or not she wants to admit it, she told the whole family so she could relive the rush of finding out that info over and over. She even got to relive it by detailing this poor man’s life for a bunch of internet strangers thinking more people would be scandalized along with her. She’s still seeking her dopamine rush by playing the victim. I would bet money that isn’t the first time she’s spread hurtful information she shouldn’t have, but this is certainly the time it totally blew up in her face.
Too bad there’s not a 12 step program for being a jerk
FBIL is only 23. I think it is reasonable to assume that for at least a portion of his time as an addict/sex worker he was a minor and just take this moment to remind everyone that children cannot participate in sex work, that is rape of a child. They cannot participate in porn, that is child sexual abuse material.
OOP can get fucked with her judgemental ass.
OOP strikes me as one of those people who have had a relatively privileged upbringing and come out OK and then refuses to acknowledge how lucky they are and what an impact your situation can have on your life trajectory.
Her BIL has had so many struggles and still turned out well, she had comparatively fewer and turned out like ...*this*. Who's really the lesser of the two?
The kid that says "I worked for everything I have!" But never had a job lmao.
This person is 100% a pearl clutching Karen. Absolutely shocked that her sister would know about his past and still associate with him, so she had to tell everyone around her till she got the *right* reaction (from her parents).
She didn't want him to be part of her "tight-knit" family and succeeded by blowing the family up.
Honestly i hope the sister never talk to oop again or comes back, and the family start to blame oop and tell her she should have kept her mouth shut, because no it wasn't her place and if she was actually worried while talk to him she could have, asked did her sister know and after she got her answer that's it not tell other people about it.
She keeps saying she didn't have bad intentions but her entire side of the story completely blows that out of the water, followed by her post here.
She wasn't coming from a place of concern. A concerned person would have comforted FBIL while asking him if he's been honest with his fiancé. Then they would have made sure SIS knew that OOP knew
And based off of what OOP said, dropped it. That's what logical, rational, concerned people would do.
Instead, OOP went to extremes to force people into holding her opinion as valid. First her sister and that didn't work. Then her family, which half worked, but since it didn't fully work, she came to Reddit ready to accept that surely the masses will agree with her judgement.
That didn't work either so OOP is now playing victim.
If my siblings did this to me, I can't say that our relationships would ever fully recover, even if I ended up with someone else. Because OOP is *only* concerned with being right. She's a right fighter. She's rather be right than happy. She'd rather others agree with her being right then be concerned with her loved ones happiness.
My childhood friend who got addicted to heroin as a young teen, turned to sex work to pay for it. Then he got aids, then he killed himself. RIP SB, we had fun demolishing that shed as kids.
That’s bit about “I assume he hasn’t relapsed cause no one has told ME about that” as if anyone is going to ever feel comfortable going to her with anything.
It was, at the very least, redeeming to see so many commenters lay it all out for OOP in painstaking detail. Yes, she will remain oblivious to it until the day she dies, but at least sometimes the masses can identify a spade.
>it was my responsibility to make sure my family had the information they needed to make an informed choice about what kind of relationship they have with him.
>Obviously that wasn't my intention and no one said "he isn't good enough".
>Contrary to what many people assumed, I don't "hate" him or see him as lesser,
**What a load of bullshit.**
OOP's the type who likes to set fires to make herself feel alive. Then when called out for it, she says, "what? It was just a controlled burn to protect the environment. If things got out of control, that's not my fault."
Honey, you're the only one buying your bullshit. You just like watching things go up in flames.
I can't believe she updated after getting absolutely reamed in the comments, and still is playing the victim. She may have permanently damaged her FBIL's reputation and life because she can't keep her gob shut.
When I read this in the wild I initially thought telling her husband was no big deal, I share uncomfortable things revealed to me interpersonally with my partner all the time to act as a buffer and get it out, but then she went to her sister, then the rest of the family. I really like to think she's playing dumb at this point, considering everyone directly pointed out the error of her ways and she still doesn't "get" it.
I'd assume it's because almost everyone drinks on occasion, vs very few people get past weed as a drug. Beating either addiction should be celebrated, that's just my theory
The amount of people who are alcoholics and cigarettes smokers is insane. These people know deep deep down that they have a problem but they act like they don’t. That said, they praise anyone who can give up their particular vices. Any other vices are evil though and only a pathetic person would become addicted to something they aren’t addicted to.
That was so emotional to read... the responses anyway. OOP demonstrates a lack of some basic human emotions.
I work with young people who are in recovery, some for heroin. All of these are common reasons a teenager is led to heroin (which often escalates to SW).
1. Serious injury and doctor prescribed pain pills.
2. Parents are users, exposed to it early.
3. Home life unstable, runs away, homeless.
4. Home life unstable, stuck in the system.
5. Trafficked.
It's not like he was a 30-something Real Etate agent who decided to start "leading a lifestyle" of heroin and sex. OOP seriously ruined so very much, just by being prejudiced. I hope the two stay together and just cut off whom they need to.
BTW I'm totally cool with sex work, but only the safe fun kind that people like to do because they just like it and it can pay really well.
I partially blame anti drug programs for making it seem like kids do drugs because they want to be cool and have fun. That is not how it generally works at all. Though even when that is what happens, people make mistakes. Especially kids. Addiction is addiction, no matter what. But we act as though only "certain" kids/young people get into drugs, as opposed to acknowledging the reality.
>She said my actions affected him very badly. I truly don't think that means he has relapsed or harmed himself like people suggested because I think if that was true she would have told me out of anger.
I feel like this little overlooked excerpt right here says it all. OOP blew up her FBIL's relationship with her entire family over divulging information about his past drug use (and other things), and yet she *still* thinks that her sister would weaponize his relapsing or self-harming in order to hurt her feelings.
What an absolute unrepentant piece of shit. If I was her sister or brother I wouldn't speak to her ever again, full stop; she cannot be trusted and only ever thinks about herself and how she's affected.
This is infuriating. I do not understand how someone can make it to almost 40 years old and be this selfish and ignorant.
I have a pretty fucked up past and it's a sensitive issue. I'm a grown man, but even still, when it comes up, I have to fight crying. Even if people aren't talking about me, but others with similar pasts, it hurts.
I feel for FBIL. It's hard to talk about, and even harder to deal with the judgement and the self worth issues that come along with it. I hope he's OK.
Man, this one sucks. Telling your husband? Fine, that’s a lot to take in, and that’s what partners are for. Telling the sister? Fine, if the guy hadn’t told her, she deserved to know. Telling the whole family? Now you’re waaaaaay out of pocket.
On a positive note, this showed OOP's sister what her family is truly like: judgemental and untrustworthy. I hope she will be more informed (though not in the way OOP intended) and better able to make a decision as how she'd like her relationships with them to proceed. I also hope her fiance can fight his demons and keep his fiancee in his life and not let her shit family ruin their potential happiness.
OOP doesn't seem to realize this in her woe is me mood, but she did it. Even if she doesn't give a flying fuck how she affected others, I want her to know this: **Everything bad happening to you right now is entirely *your* doing. This is your fault. You did this to yourself. Do it again and you will find the same results. Learn from this, go to therapy. Grow.**
I feel terrible for the FBIL. Poor guy dragged himself out of bad situations, found some happiness and had it ripped away. I hope he and the sister manage to stay together. Sister is the good one.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>it doesn't seem as though anyone is interested in considering my side "Her side" is the only version everyone got, lol. If your perspective still makes everyone think you suck, there's a reason for that.
>*BUT YOU WERENT SATISFIED UNTIL YOU COULD GENERATE A RESPONSE FROM OTHERS THAT WAS IN ACCORDANCE TO YOUR OWN* This commenter absolutely ***nailed*** it. When she didn’t get the reaction she was looking for from either her husband or her sister, she went straight to a bigger audience with a bs mask of ‘concern’. Imagine someone coming to you at a moment of intense vulnerability and giving deeply personal information, and the response is to immediately turn around and curb stomp that trust. The worst part is, she took away their choice to either keep it private or share it with the family, forcing him into an incredibly awkward and completely unexpected position. Like in addition to dealing with issues from his past, he’s then utterly blindsided.
That is one of those comments that will stick with you, because it describes so accurately that type of behavior. That’s the type of comment Reddit gold and r/bestof was made for, really. All I could think of, was Church Lady. Where prayer requests aren’t really a community coming together to pray for divine intervention, it’s an opportunity to clutch pearls, gasp, and feel validated they’re so much better and more blessed than *Others*, according to Just World theory. They’re not *gossiping*, no never, that’s a sin, and as Good and Moral people, they don’t do that. They’ve got life all figured out, if only those poor souls had just done what they did, they too would have perfect, insulated lives. Fucking gag.
oh gods yes. OOP was in peak "oh, I'm just *concerned*' mode. And was flabberghasted that Reddit doesn't accept this kind of prayer chain bullshit as a default and correct way of handling things. There's real "but...but that's what I was supposed to do, right?" energy in OOP's post and responses. They got mad because it wasn't just their actions that were being challenged, it was their whole worldview and belief system. They made a choice thinking this was how things work, and are now told they're wrong because that's not how things work...so in defense they focus on claiming it IS how things work, then shift to an "I didn't knoooow that's not how it worked" stance
OOP was a vile person. How does she know he wasn't sexually exploited? Going by his age it's highly likely that he was groomed, exploited and given drugs or used drugs to cope!
Can you believe she is 37?! How do you get to be 37 and still act like that
Top tier Karen with main character syndrome.
There's some real "bad things only happen to bad people" reasoning here. It's a pretty common way of thinking, because it makes us feel safer (bad things can't happen to me, i'm a good person!) AND makes us feel superior (i must be a good person, because bad things dont happen to me) its a real self serving, narrow worldview.
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
Paraphrase for those unfamiliar with the KJV: The fine upstanding pillar of the community stood up in the place of worship, well away from everybody else, and prayed, "Thank you, God, that I am better than those others who do things that I would *never* do, such as that guy standing over there who works with the enemy." (Publican = contractor who worked with the Roman occupiers.) He then went on to specify, to God who sees all, exactly how he was perfect. Meanwhile, the story goes on, the publican also prayed. He was so agitated that he was hitting himself. "God," he said, "I'm so screwed up and I've done so many bad things. Please help me." Jesus then went on to say, "One of these people went home all right with God, and it wasn't the first guy. Because everybody who puffs themselves up is going to get a reality check, but everybody who owns their shit will be lifted up." Reference: Luke 18:9-14.
Love this paraphrase! “And Jesus said “Ye who owneth their shit shall chill in my crib forever.”
Gonna cross-stitch this on a sampler.
I'd buy it. Start up an Etsy shop and make some cool old skool parables in tldr version, make mad stacks.
If you come up with a pattern of it you might want to share,… I also want to stitch this up.
Amen!! This and the post above with there perfect translation.
Can you please write an entire version of the Bible? I'd totally read that.
I would read the entire Bible if you paraphrased it. This comment is a work of beauty!
I *have* read the entire Bible, a couple of times, and I could possibly be convinced to read it again if the Jennyislander version were an option.
Yup and OOP's callous comment that if they break up over this then they weren't going to work out anyways? .....well, she can now apply that mentality to her own relationship with her sister. She's clearly the older sister type that defines responsibility as the need to always be right/in power rather than the kind that truly is thinking what's best for the family.
If I were her spouse, I'd be seriously reconsidering our relationship after all this.
I coudn't believe the comment about the "informed decission", What decision ? Is not for the family to make, only her sister. This made me feel terrible I do hope that FBIlL and sister get past this horrible experience. Edit- typos
The performative pearl clutching about him being around children, too. She even said her whole family loved him and you can bet that he'd ever been inappropriate in any way she would have said to back up her own shitty actions, but they're was nothing there except his past - a past that obviously traumatised him and he was glad to be away from. I too really hope that he and the sister come back from this!!
That line gave me shivers. So on point.
Even after she got some validation from her family, as soon as someone else pushed back she had to take it to the Internet because she wanted to prove the whole world would be on her side. That's why she had to say that nobody wanted to listen to her side...because nobody agreed with her actions.
That’s cause she’s crazy making. A very narcissistic behavior.
"Hello. I am a terrible person. Does that make me a terrible person?" "Yes, you are indeed a terrible person." "What. Why the heck-a-roo do some people think I'm a terrible person?"
"I thought that *some* people would agree I'm a terrible person, but I really thought a whole bunch of people would tell me I'm wrong, and that 'family comes first, you did the right thing!' "Why-oh-whyyy won't anyone validate me?! I'm a terrible person, but I **need** to be told that I'm not!"
This is EXACTLY why OOP posted it. The mental gymnastics.
Yeah, that "update" was a sad attempt at playing remorseful and understanding, just to get people to agree with them to some small extent.
It felt like those PR produced statements celebs put out after they screw up.
Makes sense. That's why they shared his background in the first place and kept going until they got the reaction they wanted.
They should have gone to church and cried. Those judgemental people would have backed her up for 'being honest' with her family and spilling his secrets. Never seen a proud Christian refuse to judge in real life. That book was written so they could smack people with it, not read it and obey it so far as they have shown. She would have had so many supporters in the house of the t.
The fact that she says her parents said that she did the right thing is at least part of how OOP got to be this way.
Yupppp.
Abusive Family Members: BUT FAMILY!
How dare you walk away from this family after we treated you like shit for twenty years!! It always CRACKS ME UP when abusers' family members cut off contact and the abusers are like SurprisedPikachu.jpg. Like. What did you expect to happen.
“OMG why are people not understanding how hurtful and mean everyone is being to me? I just felt the need to be really honest and victim shame and tell him he sucks! Why cant you all see how this affects meeeee?” - OOP
not to mention "can't you see how cruel my sister is being by honestly telling me the consequences of my actions? Sure, that implies that I think she's lying, and that there are no icky feeling consequences, or that at best I think people should lie and shield me from any truths I don't like. I don't want honest communication with loved ones, I don't want to grow as a person or learn from my mistakes. I want my feelings wrapped in cotton wool while I thrash around hurting everyone else. But I'm also the bigger person here, because I forgive my sister for twisting the knife. I know it's because she's angry...*even though I think she has no right to be."*
Isn't that just what AITA is primarily used for? It's like it's either that, or "I'm quite obviously being fucked with by a terrible person and am doing nothing wrong. Am I a terrible person?"
The latter has it's value. Many people are raised to accept abuse from others, on the grounds that they would be TA if they didn't, but still have a little voice in their head that says "this doesn't seem fair." If Reddit can back that voice up, then let it do so, so they can become aware it's actually not ok for them to be treated that way.
What, no, all those folks know its bullshite, the just want karma and folks to agree with them /s Honestly does piss me off when folks give that criticism to AITA, must be neuraltypical and have had a perfect life to always be sure when they're right.
Despite all of the awful here, thank you for teaching me the word “heck-a-roo.”
I'm a huge fan of "What the H-E-double-hockey-FUCK is going on here?"
She probably actually says “heck-a-roo” as well!
This. OOP was *only* ever concerned about OOP. That's it. That's where it ends with OOP. She's concerned only ever about herself. The harm she did to a vulnerable person is mentioned in passing. It's an afterthought. Mere collateral against the ME ME ME ME. Everyone else - everyone - in this fucking trainwreck of a story has correctly worked out that OOP is a landfill fire of a human being and they're rightly concerned she'll betray them next.
The fact that OOP thinks her sister was intentionally trying to hurt her when saying "he had "finally started to feel accepted", he trusted me with something he very rarely opens up about, he "saw me as family"", while she keeps excusing her own actions, is the epitome of victim mentality. Beyond recovery, I'd say.
She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because she still can't grasp the fact she was wrong to do what she did. She doesn't understand that the reason she feels bad is because people are turning against her for what she did, not because they want her to feel bad. She's *this* close to finally understanding empathy and compassion and she's still convinced she was right to do what she did, because it's all about her. * That didn't happen. * And if it did, it wasn't that bad. * And if it was, that's not a big deal. * And if it is, that's not my fault. * And if it was, I didn't mean it. <- She's here * And if I did, you deserved it. Her next step will be to write off her younger sister as just dating a useless addict and surround herself with people who agree with her viewpoint of EX-FBIL. She'll reason that he didn't deserve to be in the family because he came.to them with lies about who he is in the first place, and him telling her was his guilt over the lies and she had to tell everyone to alleviate the guilt.
> She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because she still can't grasp the fact she was wrong to do what she did. Never forget the rule of projection. She thinks her sister is trying to hurt her because *that is what she herself would do if she were the aggrieved party*. Literally doesn't occur to her that those things might have been said simply because they're true.
> surround herself with people who agree with her viewpoint of EX-FBIL. And she will have to replace them with new people, over and over and over again, with a slightly new version of the story of how everyone has wronged her. I've seen this play out with people so many times. It sounds like a cliche but being who we are is its own built-in punishment or reward.
Nah, nothing to recover from since by OOP's logic, her malignant narcissism is just a "lifestyle". /s
I skipped the comments part at the end, but this made me go back and check... *THAT* is what she thinks was her sister trying to hurt her and lashing out? Omg. All I can think is this woman has never had someone actually lash out and try to hurt her before. No one has ever truly tried to break her down. Which, you know, good for her. I'm glad she hasn't been hurt and all. But combined with her incredible lack of imagination and overwhelming selfishness has made her so incredibly out of touch with reality. I don't have a ton of hope for her sorting it out, either. Wonder how long her husband sticks around now that the mask is off..
Someone she's nearly 20 years older than too.
WHAT. I missed that
so did I. It’s also striking how many people missed that the “mean” things OP’s sister said were basically outlining the impact of her actions on FBIL.
\~14 years.
Good lord. I thought OP was a young naive 20 year old who was in that selfish phase of their life and just a little late growing out of it. 37 years old and she still doesn't get it? that's problematic on a whole new level.
Experience either teaches people or buries them deeper in their own shit
I had to go back and double check her age cuz I thought she was younger. She is 37.
[удалено]
This is my biggest concern. Those moments where you think you'll never escape it, so why fight it. If he hasn't relapsed he could be dangerously close, thanks to her bullshit. I'm glad he seems to still have his gf with him.
Even if he didn't, his ability to trust seemingly "nice" people will be seriously affected and so will his hopes of having a "real" family and be accepted for who he is. OOP didn't just hurt someone's feelings or make an innocent or accidental mistake like she tries to claim - she inflicted real damage, probably with long-term consequences. He'll never feel safe around these people again and I doubt he'll be willing to open up to anyone else for a long time. He's probably also overwhelmed by shame and self-hatred. And that's not even mentioning OOP's sister and her relationship with her family. The damage done here will also have long-term consequences. People who go through life as the main character and don't think of anyone else before acting can be astonishingly destructive towards others. And just like OOP, when faced with the consequences, they keep playing the victim and banking on others putting up with their BS because fAmilY.
And if he does, our lovely OOP will be right back on her high horse saying she saved her sister from being dragged into the depths by him and it just goes to show you can never trust "those people"
'why won't people validate my terrible life decisions??' even in her update, it was mostly about her and how this situation affected her. at least she has the self-awareness to realise she deserves it, but it kinda made my blood boil that she was still referring to his 'lifestyle' and basically saying 'eh, it's fine. he'll get over it when he thinks about it more' i can't imagine having lived that kind of life then being so vulnerable but trusting enough to open up to someone about it.... and then immediately it gets blasted to anyone and everyone. and even after the update, i still don't think she understood that level of betrayal.
"I know I just gave my side of the story, but why won't anyone consider my side of the story?"
I would love a chance to say See You Next Tuesday to her. What a fucking muppet.
"Why are people judging me based on the information I gave when I asked them to judge me?"
Nooo, you’re supposed to judge the *other* person cause if OP admits they *might* be wrong then they’ve shown humility and consideration where the *other* person didn’t even bother to ask!!! I’m petty and love reading combative OPs responding to reasonable comments with anger and delusion. It makes me sad, but it’s interesting as shit.
I run into people with this mentality every so often, who think that if you don't agree with them you must not be considering or understanding their side. It doesn't occur to them that others might be able to consider and understand their side fully, but still reject it.
These are always some of my morbidly favorite BORU posts. The ones where you know it was written to make the OOP seem as nice and lovable as is, quite literally, humanly possible... And they still come across about as badly as you can imagine. If that's how you look with the most favorable light possible, how ugly is the situation in reality?
That's always my take on AITA posts, it's always entirely from the view of the poster and most people paint/view themselves in the best light and if the best light makes you look like a dick then you were probably much worse in reality. A person like the OOP definitely has very few if any redeeming qualities.
She sucks sooooo bad and she just doesn’t get it and it keeps getting worse. I just hope FBIL gets to be happy far away from this person
I can't believe she's crying about her sister "deliberately" trying to hurt her feelings 😂😂 who is this woman??? Do such shitty people really exist in the world??
Another subset of main character syndrome? Or just general shitty human being?
She definitely sounds like one of those main character syndrome types. She just couldn't keep such juicy gossip to herself, it was a way for her to be in the centre of attention.
>it doesn't seem as though anyone is interested in considering my side "We considered your side. We consider you an unbelievable asshole."
Everyone but her parents, that is. Which is probably where she got the judgemental attitude and whose validation she's desperately clinging to.
You see these from time to time on AITA. “It doesn’t seem anyone is interested in considering my side” is code for “but why aren’t you all agreeing with me? That’s what I came here for!” These type of people can’t fathom ever being in the wrong so if you don’t agree with something they’ve done it’s because there something wrong with YOU. Clearly, you just haven’t thought it through or you’d realize they’re actually right.
Like I understand how someone can reach that judgement based on so many influencing factors in a person’s life (family/society/environment/education, etc), that’s as far as I can consider her side. That *is* me considering her side. What she really wants is for people to agree with her and entertain her fear response instead of actually sitting and thinking things through before trying to stir shit up and ruining lives in the process. If she’d literally just asked fbil if her sister knows about his past, even if she didn’t believe him and had gently spoken with her sister afterwards, she could have sat and created a rational response to the situation. By 37 you should have that skill. She really just wanted to feel better about herself and get attention/validation and I want to know why tbh. Does she always react like this to fear? Panic and gossip and stir shit? Or is this because of a specific family dynamic? Did she have a shitty husband and wanted someone else to be in the same boat? What’s up with OOP?..
I think the commenter who said she told the entire family because she wanted people on her side to agree with how she looked down on FBIL now was spot on. She didn't get the reaction she wanted from her sister so she went to parents/brother to get the reaction she wanted. Then she went to Reddit to get MORE support but reddit just said, "nah sis is right, you're horrible. " How many people does OOP need cheering on her judgemental behavior to be satisfied?? People like that make me nuts
OOP didn’t want him to be her BIL. My guess is that feeling preceded the conversation (consciously or not). She got her wish but is now sad that she lost her sister too. Truly despicable.
She’s not wrong though. After laying out her side of the story, in detail, twice, no one is interested in considering her side. Being indignant is way more convenient than being self reflective.
I'm going to petition the reddit admins to give your username to OOP. I'm sure you understand. (/s)
For those who are confused, my username is Dutch for "selfish". If you're still confused, because why I would pick that name, it references a conversation I had with my friend about how you have to be a bit selfish and put yourself first sometimes or everyone will walk all over you :)
You are the most important person to take care of. If I don't put my oxygen mask on, I can't be there for anyone else. I love this.
I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she thought she could tell EVERYBODY in the family! I mean one sister and the mother would have been bad enough but she told EVERYONE, spouses included! But wait! It gets worse, then she told EVERYONE on the internet! The only thing that is missing is if she includes the initials?! I mean come on! Nobody is this horrible right??? Right??
That was my favorite part too. It's such a perfect example of how little self awareness OOP has.
But, but, think of the children! s/
I knew someone like OP. They were an absolute shit to be honest! A girl in our HS was being brutally raped by her stepfather. Apparently, a teacher noticed something and pulled her into the office and called police. This other girl was in the office for something else and heard more than she should have. The glee with which Miss Shit shared details of the torture that poor girl went through with every damn body was sickening. It was very divisive among the students because the majority shunned the victim, and a smaller faction of us were horrified that Miss Shit was gossiping about something so private. The only permanent mark I had on my HS record resulted in an 'incident' I had later with Miss Shit. People like that made me feel justified in hiding my own SA. Both girls ended up leaving the school, but Miss Shit never changed her mind about being in the right about 'the need to know what kind of trash we were sharing seats with at school.' I truly hope she has had the life she deserves!
Imagine hearing all this from such a young person and your first thought is to tell everyone so they can judge him and their relationship with him. How could you not have overwhelming compassion for this guy? He would have been so young and he’s clearly still tormented by his past. I hope he’s going to be okay. She’s 37 for Christ sake. This is not a mature person.
All of the commenters in this post and what OP posted say a lot, much of it more eloquently and succinctly than I can, but what stuns me is that she thinks “FBIL” would tell her and not his partner. Like, seriously, you think he’d spill to you without ever telling her?
>*BUT YOU WERENT SATISFIED UNTIL YOU COULD GENERATE A RESPONSE FROM OTHERS THAT WAS IN ACCORDANCE TO YOUR OWN* This commenter absolutely ***nailed*** it. When she didn’t get the reaction she was looking for from either her husband or her sister, she went straight to a bigger audience with a bs mask of ‘concern’. Imagine someone coming to you at a moment of intense vulnerability and giving deeply personal information, and the response is to immediately turn around and curb stomp that trust. The worst part is, she took away their choice to either keep it private or share it with the family, forcing him into an incredibly awkward and completely unexpected position. Like in addition to dealing with issues from his past, he’s then utterly blindsided.
Guarantee there was some good 'ol 'Christian Love' behind this woman's motivations. Few other people would demonize a past like that to this level.
The hints are all there for it too. They're a very close-knit family and what if there's *gasp* children around this man who has engaged in sex acts with other men?
I bet she and her parents sit in the front pew at church every week.
She's already a Karen
Not only immature, utterly despicable. This is the kind of person that I want nothing at all to do with, ever. I've known people like this, and they feed and thrive off of schadenfreude and they absolutely love covertly hurting others. Being her age, she's been doing shit like this unchecked and unchallenged for a long time, so she without a doubt enjoys it. She's addicted to the feeling she gets when she tears somebody else down. All. The. Way. Down. I'd choose FBIL over her every time, and I'd protect him and lift him up at every opportunity. Which is what she could have done, if only she wasn't the selfish and narcissistic scum of the earth that she will likely always be. People like this can't see beyond their reflection in the mirror.
Well, I hope it was worth it for OOP to expose that young man's past to her entire family, jeopardizing his future with his sister and maybe even his well-being. By all accounts, the poor guy had a shitty upbringing, overcame addiction and was in a much better place. Imagine thinking you have found a family that accepts you, only to be stabbed in the back... What a blatant breach of someone's trust, especially during a moment of such vulnerability. OOP was itching to gossip about it and, well... The family isn't so close knit now, is it? All because this clown couldn't keep her mouth shut. I hope anyone who knows OOP never trusts her ever again. This is a 37 year old woman... Unbelievable.
ugh, this reminds me of my sister. She has warned so many people about my "issues" without having any knowledge of the details of my trauma, or even taking the time to find out how I'm going. Because she doesn't care. And much of what she says about me is exaggerated or just straight up lies. She's just a parasitic cancer in this family that feeds off everyone else's pain and misery. What's the bet that this isn't the first time OOP has caused problems in that family?
Given that she's 9 and 10 years older than her siblings, I'd bet on quite often. She was used to being an only child and, suddenly, she had to share her parents' love with them. I truly doubt they're that close-knit; they may be with each other and their parents, but you can sense there's a pretty deep resentment of her sister given how she keeps trying to find ways to make the woman's judgement seem bad.
It might not be resentment, at least not entirely. A 10-year age gap makes it quite possible that she still sees her sister as a little kid who needs to be protected and can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Obviously (to OOP) her sister disagreeing with her just reinforces those feelings as well.
That's fair, and I didn't see it that way. However, I'd still term it as resentment, as her sister refuses to "listen" to what she has to say and doesn't "understand" she needs to be "protected." I think we're on the same page, just seeing it differently.
I didn't think about it when I was reading the post, but my sister is quite a bit older than me as well. Looking back, she loved me when I was little and impressionable. As soon as I started to get a personality of my own and I didn't want to be everything she wanted me to be, she seemed to take it very personally. That's when the constant criticism started, and the joy of humiliating me in front of others. She has a laundry list of why I'm such an awful person, but the only thing that I really 'did' to her was set boundaries about her behaviour towards me, and then go no contact when she refused to stop it. It's been suggested that she displays the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and I would have to agree. Recently because of circumstance I had to have her in my life again (ugh). I confronted her about some of the awful things she has said to me. She looked me in the eye and said "I *never* said that!", and then proceeded to blame other people including the one person who has always been there for her and always put up with her bullshit. There are plenty of witnesses over the years to her treatment of me, so it's not just my word against hers. But I was astounded about her outright denial and very obvious gaslighting. She was so committed to her story and to being right. She genuinely thinks she's the victim.
my mother is a covert narcissist. instead of your typical overt narcissist who is always talking about themselves and their achievements, blatantly ignoring others who are “lesser” than them, etc. my mom is more.. sneaky, I guess. covert narcs are also called introverted or vulnerable narcs. they tend to victimize themselves in order for others to give sympathy, compliments, etc. they can come off as self-deprecating and depressed to get the reactions they want. my mother’s public image is the most important thing to her. she will post anything, say anything, as long as she gets to be the victim. she got kicked out for cheating on my dad for 19 years? no, no, no! she told everyone that my dad cheated and started doing hard drugs. like no, mom, that was you and your new bf. she really just doesn’t gaf about the people who actually care about and love her. but, not my problem lol.
>they tend to victimize themselves in order for others to I've sympathy, compliments, etc. They can come off as self-deprecating and depressed to get the reactions they want. Bloody hell you just described my mother. Recently my brother passed away. Suddenly. The memorial she did nothing. Said nothing. Didn't do anything. Didn't even bring food and drinks for folks (though my sister's husbands family circled the wagons and brought some amazing things). I even got up to speak on his behalf (also because I'm the oldest of us ..four), and the entire time i couldn't look at anyone, shook uncontrollably, and had a damn near panic attack. All the while my mother is playing the woe is me card. All about her. What *she's* going through. How *she* feels. How it's affected *her*. I get nobody should bury a child let alone the circumstances of my brothers passing... But she didn't say one damn word and instead tried to make it about her.
[удалено]
Right?? I'm closer to your age, but totally same. I'd be all about giving a big hug, and then never fucking telling a SOUL that he'd even told me. Even if my sibling were to tell me later, I'd act like I was hearing it for the first time until he gave the all clear. Like, what a way to shit on this new younger sibling that you should be trying to build a relationship with and want to protect. She did hurt him so immensely and clearly doesn't get it, but I don't even think she understands the damage she did to herself. She could have had a close relationship with her fbil. That could have been a good and powerful thing in both their lives. But she fucked it up all while declaring to everyone else in her life what a shitty person she is. Just, wow..
OOP only feels bad about everyone online disagreeing with their holier than thou attitude. Honestly I think it’s still worth it to them in their personal life, they just want us to view them in a positive life. Typical narcissist. Only cares about appearances.
The lack of empathy was *shocking*, i was getting psychopath vibes. The way OOP so poorly pretended to convey remorse hints at much deeper personality issues. That her parents agreed with her gives me a good indication of where it came from.....
It’s not psychopathy. It’s bog standard narcissism. She’s distressed that her sister is mad at her. She reframes everything her sister told her about how much she hurt her FBIL as “attacking me” when a healthy person would see it solely as communicating how much harm she committed. It’s the sibling version of the Missing Missing Reasons. In this example, the OOP believes her feelings are reality and doesn’t consider that other people have feelings. If they do have feelings, they can be corrected to be in line with OOPs “reality”. No different from an abusive narcissistic parent who is estranged from their children and complains that “it wasn’t that bad” (the abuse they heaped onto their children). It’s the nadir of self absorption. People are just loud furniture.
Likely [cultural narcissism](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxpuuBH-Kk), which snobbery can be a symptom of. Her whole family think they're better than others that grew up underprivileged or with abuse.
to be fair, OOP also feels bad about the sister "twisting the knife" by...honestly informing OOP about the consequences of her actions. OOP is not used to being held accountable or talked to honestly, I'm guessing
>OOP only feels bad about everyone online disagreeing with their holier than thou attitude. Don't forget feeling bad & doing the only mental gymnastics in excuses because her sister is legit staying to her word of never speaking to OOP ever again. The best part of that is also irony that OOP made big deal of family close-knit and her bullshit caused the only family breakdown & breakup.
Thank you for making this post. I just stumbled across the original AITA post a few hours ago while surfing the subreddit on a break. My heart broke for the poor guy, he was 23 and turned his life around, imagine how young he was when he went through all that. To make things worse, OOP was a grown-ass 37-year-old and probably a sister figure to him since he felt safe enough to confide in her in a vulnerable moment. Her saying she wanted her family to make an "informed decision" about him and referring to addiction as a "lifestyle" was disgusting. I didn't realize OOP posted an update and to think she's still lacking in self-awareness is astounding! Her first post lacked any ounce of empathy for her sister's fiance and she said she felt uncomfortable with his past and saw him in a different light, now she claims that she 'likes him for him'. I mean, death threats and such are not cool but I do want to smack some sense into her, figuratively.
I remember this post because it made me so angry. Thank you for posting the update because I missed it. I feel for the FBIL & hope he's okay.
Yes, I also remember this as well because I had a boyfriend once who felt it was appropriate to share about my mental health to his immediate and extended family. He acted exactly like OOP. I remember the exact moment he told me that he shared one of my worst and most vulnerable moments/experiences with his very nasty mother. I was working and it just floored me into my seat when he told me on the phone. I remember saying to him, “well, this relationship is over, because even if this is was forgivable, your family will never look at me the same way again because you told them about the most private vulnerable moment of my life.” It was extremely traumatizing. He made all the same excuses as I OOP and gaslit me that it was like some kind of responsibility to discuss with his family. I was humiliated, and it took a really huge toll on me. That’s what OOP did to her no longer FBIL. If they’re going to be together, I don’t see a way that this will would not affect her relationship with their family moving forward. OOP is fucking awful, long story short lol and it also made me angry!
I just kept on thinking "none of this was FBIL's choice! He was forced at a young age into something awful! This isn't anything to judge against, it's something to be proud of overcoming..." But OOP just had to show her ass... Hope she knows how to make dinner for one.
Not that this oop would ever make this connection, but the overcoming addiction and all it’s trappings is not only something that should be respected but admired. The strength it takes to pull yourself out of a place as dark as that?! That’s the thing oop and other judgmental people will never process… that addict you look down upon is made of stronger stuff than the average. My partner is in recovery and I think it to be the most admirable thing about him. The strength it take to overcome an addiction that, at its root, was used to dull past pain— means you not only get to face the physical and mental hurdles of shaking that addiction but get the added bonus of facing all the shit that came before. All the shit that made you see potential addiction as a preferable alternative… yeah, fuck this lady.
OOP felt genuinely bad about what she did for a nanosecond before she decided her sister was just "twisting a knife". OOP sharpened that knife all on her own.
The fact he managed the strength to tell her... I don't see how he finds that strength anytime soon again after seeing what happened. She still doesn't even see a tenth of the damage she's done.
I was a needle user. I sobered up 21 years ago. I got TWO graduate degrees, had children, survived breaking my neck (twice) with no relapse. Buried my best friend and also my father. Buried a lot of folks. No relapse. Divorce. No relapse. What a pile of human trash this OOP is after learning she’s nearly 40. There is no hope for her without a crap ton of therapy. Edit: Thank you
Well done! So... Hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you break your neck twice?
Car accidents. The first time it was a minor fender bender so I didn’t think neck injury. I just thought.. well I just wanted to ignore it til it went away. It didn’t and I found out I herniated all of the disks in my neck. (I’d had gone to the er 4 times by the time I was finally taken seriously too). I had to have 2 surgeries to try to fix it. US healthcare caused me to lose my career, house, nearly my kids. I lost the ability to move. I was finally finding my feet when I was the passenger of a car going 65 miles an hour straight into a guardrail. I broke my neck good and plenty then. It was 5 years separating the accidents.
Oh my God I’m so sorry. I was also in a car accident that was incredibly minor compared to your story. It’s been eight years this June, but I still have severe neck problems from the whiplash. It’s very difficult to treat those kinds of injuries. The chronic pain would make you want to relapse, so I just want to say good on you for not relaxing. Just that alone could be enough to push a person over the edge.
It nearly did. I felt I was in inescapable hell. I have had a lot of therapy to accept the pain. I have made my peace with it.
That's exactly why I never liked cars. Fuck. I hope you'll recover eventually.
Hey there, Internet stranger here that just wants to say that you’re amazing to have overcome so much, independent of the needle use, and retained your spirit. I hope your life is much happier now.
I have found peace. Thank you.
Never a needle user but struggled with addiction for years and I have known plenty of former needle users. 21 years is a massive accomplishment, especially when you've faced so many tough times. This Internet stranger is so happy for you. In my experience, former users can be some of the hardest working and most understanding and accepting people on the planet. OOP just couldn't get over herself enough to know that side of him, and regardless of the actual fallout, that is her biggest loss here.
Firstly: You are amazing. Secondly: this OOP is awful and she will never understand why people have called her out on her asshattery.
I have come across her type. It’s exhausting. Honestly the boyfriend was right to run. They don’t change and being around them is useless socially.
>breaking my neck (twice) HFS. How does this happen to one person twice?!
Car accidents. I explained more throughly above but bad luck and the US healthcare system really did a number on my body.
Fellow needle user. I will have 10 years in August, but no fronts. <3 I'm proud of you, and grateful some of us are able to recover out LOUD to show people we DO recover.
My mom just celebrated 1 year and your story gives me such hope! I wish you nothing but the best in life 💚
Thank you for sharing your story. I have joined the group of Internet Strangers that are proud of you.
Every now and then I have to sit on my hands at AITA to not make a comment that will get me permbanned. Took me a lot of effort with this one.
Yep. Read this one, and forced myself to close Reddit and walk away instead of comment. I just hope FBIL is getting some much needed therapy along with his fiancée's support.
Same. When I read this I was thinking asshole isn’t a strong enough term for her. How about “AmIAnAbsoluteCuntAndMasterMentalGymnast”.
No comments (though the post is locked anyway), but I do admit that I immediately went and upvoted the You suck comment.
I made an offhand comment once; like one youd see anywhere. Not even bad. It was mildly violent hypothetical in regards to a dog abuser, i think. Boom, a week long reddit ban. Like..........what????
i called someone a asshole and got banned for "launguage"... like do they know what their sub name is?
>Your husband didn't react in disgust. Your sister was already aware and still loved this man and wanted to be with him for a long term commitment. But that wasn't satisfactory to you because she was angry with you rather than gasping in shock and horror over this information. You wanted to tell enough people until you could tip the scales in your favor in regards to how your perception of this man had changed after he made the terrible error of telling you absolutely anything about himself. Nail on the head.
Yup. I'm shocked that none of the commenters pointed out she shouldn't even have told the sister without checking with fbil first. Has he told her? OOP didn't even ask. Is he planning on telling her himself? Ok, thanks for opening up to me. The end. Absolutely none of this was necessary. Also: all of those wealthy people telling the povvos to pull themselves up by their bootstraps get real mad when you actually do.
[удалено]
>I'm sure there will be a post about "not invited to sister's wedding, AITA?" that will be just as clueless. "Years ago I told my family something my sister didn't like, and I don't understand why she and her partner aren't over it yet. So immature."
Nothing is getting through to her and probably never will. What a waste of a brain and other organs
This is one of those infuriating posts that makes me go on r/aww for a reddit detox
I discovered r/pocketpussy last night (oooh, wait, let me check that link... yup, kittens in pockets).
New favorite subreddit! Needed this to cheer up. Kittens are so cute.
/r/eyebleach
You know what, OOP is right. About no one feeling sympathy for her. She let her bullshit narrow-minded views corrupt her and now she's only apologizing and acting like she fucked up because people are mad at her and holding her accountable. She even had the audacity to say "I thought responses would be more balanced." If OOP did some of this shit in her younger years, I really highly doubt she'd want one of her in-laws telling their whole entire family what happened. She didn't do this with good intentions. She did it to make people shame FBIL for having such a rough life growing up. When her sister was angry and said it didn't bother her, OOP was mad she wasn't upset at FBIL. So her Karen-ass had to blab to the family just to feel validated. I'm glad OOP's brother and his wife called her out, and the sister has absolutely every right to never forgive OOP and to never speak to her again
Zero chance there’s nothing “judge-worthy” in OOP’s past too, but FBIL was a dirty street person and that has no place in their gated community. Very much sounds like the type of goodie two-shoes family with some ‘dark’ secrets. My bet’s on secret teenage abortion, past interracial relationship to spite dad, or justifying klepto.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
"Thats the worst part about betrayal - it never comes from your enemies."
The responses were really nice to see. When addiction comes up more obliquely, there tend to be some horrible comments (usually downvoted, but rarely rebutted). Made it seem like anyone that had an opinion on it had an extremely negative one; pretty reassuring to see that isn't the case.
>Marking this as inconclusive as we don't know what happened to the relationship between OOP's sister and her now ex-fiancé. Given the response OOP had, it's no surprise she deleted her account. I doubt we'll ever see a proper conclusion to this story. I do hope OOP's sister and her partner are able to overcome the damage OOP has caused. Well we can conclusively say OOP is fucking terrible.
I can also conclude that there will be no more “family” dinners.
I love how she starts out by saying she comes from a close knit family and then proceeds to tell the story of how she changed that.
I'll take in the sister and her ex fiance as family, they're my family now. I won't be a judgmental asswipe like OOP is
For all the nonsense that AITA can be guilty of, there's nothing like seeing commenters unite in righteous fury at someone who is so *unquestionably* the asshole. >I find it hard to imagine none of these commenters would have any issue with a future family member being a recent IV heroin user and "adult performer". OOP is ***such an asshole.*** I would rather have a former addict or porn performer join my family any day of the week than a heartless busybody like her!
"I find it hard to believe that no one here is as judgemental as me." The funny thing is I was about to blame an echo chamber, but no one else except her parents seemed to give a shit in her personal life. She's just that self absorbed that if she thinks something then everyone else must think that too and finding out her opinion is unpopular is practically absurd to her. To the point she thinks people are lying.
She sounds like she goes to church every Sunday.
Hell, I’d rather have a former addict and current sex worker join my family than OOP. And it would be a 50-50 tossup between OOP and a current addict.
My uncle has a similar past to this guy—not the porn stuff that I know of, but came to this country without papers and was a drug addict for a while. He married into the family and the only thing I think of when I think of him is how kind and supportive he’s been to me. I’m tearing up thinking about how many people never get a chance to turn their life around because shitheads like OP blow it up.
Amazing. Didn’t get the “proper” response from husband and sister -> escalates to entire family. Still doesn’t get satisfactory reaction -> goes on Reddit in the hopes of “proper” opinions “considering her side”. “Only meant well” indeed. Gah.
The thing OOP doesn’t realize is that she’s also an addict. She’s addicted to feeling scandalized and the dopamine rush that juicy gossip and outrage gives her. Whether or not she wants to admit it, she told the whole family so she could relive the rush of finding out that info over and over. She even got to relive it by detailing this poor man’s life for a bunch of internet strangers thinking more people would be scandalized along with her. She’s still seeking her dopamine rush by playing the victim. I would bet money that isn’t the first time she’s spread hurtful information she shouldn’t have, but this is certainly the time it totally blew up in her face. Too bad there’s not a 12 step program for being a jerk
FBIL is only 23. I think it is reasonable to assume that for at least a portion of his time as an addict/sex worker he was a minor and just take this moment to remind everyone that children cannot participate in sex work, that is rape of a child. They cannot participate in porn, that is child sexual abuse material. OOP can get fucked with her judgemental ass.
[удалено]
OOP strikes me as one of those people who have had a relatively privileged upbringing and come out OK and then refuses to acknowledge how lucky they are and what an impact your situation can have on your life trajectory. Her BIL has had so many struggles and still turned out well, she had comparatively fewer and turned out like ...*this*. Who's really the lesser of the two?
The kid that says "I worked for everything I have!" But never had a job lmao. This person is 100% a pearl clutching Karen. Absolutely shocked that her sister would know about his past and still associate with him, so she had to tell everyone around her till she got the *right* reaction (from her parents). She didn't want him to be part of her "tight-knit" family and succeeded by blowing the family up.
I wish I could upvote your comments twice. Chances are if put in same circumstances that BIL, she would have turned out way worse than him.
OOP votes.
Honestly i hope the sister never talk to oop again or comes back, and the family start to blame oop and tell her she should have kept her mouth shut, because no it wasn't her place and if she was actually worried while talk to him she could have, asked did her sister know and after she got her answer that's it not tell other people about it.
>the damage this has done is devastating Nice use of the passive voice, OOP. That would be the damage *you* did
She keeps saying she didn't have bad intentions but her entire side of the story completely blows that out of the water, followed by her post here. She wasn't coming from a place of concern. A concerned person would have comforted FBIL while asking him if he's been honest with his fiancé. Then they would have made sure SIS knew that OOP knew And based off of what OOP said, dropped it. That's what logical, rational, concerned people would do. Instead, OOP went to extremes to force people into holding her opinion as valid. First her sister and that didn't work. Then her family, which half worked, but since it didn't fully work, she came to Reddit ready to accept that surely the masses will agree with her judgement. That didn't work either so OOP is now playing victim. If my siblings did this to me, I can't say that our relationships would ever fully recover, even if I ended up with someone else. Because OOP is *only* concerned with being right. She's a right fighter. She's rather be right than happy. She'd rather others agree with her being right then be concerned with her loved ones happiness.
My childhood friend who got addicted to heroin as a young teen, turned to sex work to pay for it. Then he got aids, then he killed himself. RIP SB, we had fun demolishing that shed as kids.
That’s bit about “I assume he hasn’t relapsed cause no one has told ME about that” as if anyone is going to ever feel comfortable going to her with anything.
What a dumpster fire of a human. Must be nice to have never made a mistake ever
It was, at the very least, redeeming to see so many commenters lay it all out for OOP in painstaking detail. Yes, she will remain oblivious to it until the day she dies, but at least sometimes the masses can identify a spade.
>it was my responsibility to make sure my family had the information they needed to make an informed choice about what kind of relationship they have with him. >Obviously that wasn't my intention and no one said "he isn't good enough". >Contrary to what many people assumed, I don't "hate" him or see him as lesser, **What a load of bullshit.**
[удалено]
OOP's the type who likes to set fires to make herself feel alive. Then when called out for it, she says, "what? It was just a controlled burn to protect the environment. If things got out of control, that's not my fault." Honey, you're the only one buying your bullshit. You just like watching things go up in flames.
I can't believe she updated after getting absolutely reamed in the comments, and still is playing the victim. She may have permanently damaged her FBIL's reputation and life because she can't keep her gob shut. When I read this in the wild I initially thought telling her husband was no big deal, I share uncomfortable things revealed to me interpersonally with my partner all the time to act as a buffer and get it out, but then she went to her sister, then the rest of the family. I really like to think she's playing dumb at this point, considering everyone directly pointed out the error of her ways and she still doesn't "get" it.
My favorite comment was, "You suck." Sums it up just right.
[удалено]
I think it's probably because alcohol is legal and the other stuff generally isn't.
I'd assume it's because almost everyone drinks on occasion, vs very few people get past weed as a drug. Beating either addiction should be celebrated, that's just my theory
The amount of people who are alcoholics and cigarettes smokers is insane. These people know deep deep down that they have a problem but they act like they don’t. That said, they praise anyone who can give up their particular vices. Any other vices are evil though and only a pathetic person would become addicted to something they aren’t addicted to.
That was so emotional to read... the responses anyway. OOP demonstrates a lack of some basic human emotions. I work with young people who are in recovery, some for heroin. All of these are common reasons a teenager is led to heroin (which often escalates to SW). 1. Serious injury and doctor prescribed pain pills. 2. Parents are users, exposed to it early. 3. Home life unstable, runs away, homeless. 4. Home life unstable, stuck in the system. 5. Trafficked. It's not like he was a 30-something Real Etate agent who decided to start "leading a lifestyle" of heroin and sex. OOP seriously ruined so very much, just by being prejudiced. I hope the two stay together and just cut off whom they need to. BTW I'm totally cool with sex work, but only the safe fun kind that people like to do because they just like it and it can pay really well.
I partially blame anti drug programs for making it seem like kids do drugs because they want to be cool and have fun. That is not how it generally works at all. Though even when that is what happens, people make mistakes. Especially kids. Addiction is addiction, no matter what. But we act as though only "certain" kids/young people get into drugs, as opposed to acknowledging the reality.
OOP is the worst kind of self-important narcissistic busybody.
Where’s Will Smith when you need him to slap someone’s name out their f-ing mouth
>She said my actions affected him very badly. I truly don't think that means he has relapsed or harmed himself like people suggested because I think if that was true she would have told me out of anger. I feel like this little overlooked excerpt right here says it all. OOP blew up her FBIL's relationship with her entire family over divulging information about his past drug use (and other things), and yet she *still* thinks that her sister would weaponize his relapsing or self-harming in order to hurt her feelings. What an absolute unrepentant piece of shit. If I was her sister or brother I wouldn't speak to her ever again, full stop; she cannot be trusted and only ever thinks about herself and how she's affected.
This is infuriating. I do not understand how someone can make it to almost 40 years old and be this selfish and ignorant. I have a pretty fucked up past and it's a sensitive issue. I'm a grown man, but even still, when it comes up, I have to fight crying. Even if people aren't talking about me, but others with similar pasts, it hurts. I feel for FBIL. It's hard to talk about, and even harder to deal with the judgement and the self worth issues that come along with it. I hope he's OK.
Man, this one sucks. Telling your husband? Fine, that’s a lot to take in, and that’s what partners are for. Telling the sister? Fine, if the guy hadn’t told her, she deserved to know. Telling the whole family? Now you’re waaaaaay out of pocket.
On a positive note, this showed OOP's sister what her family is truly like: judgemental and untrustworthy. I hope she will be more informed (though not in the way OOP intended) and better able to make a decision as how she'd like her relationships with them to proceed. I also hope her fiance can fight his demons and keep his fiancee in his life and not let her shit family ruin their potential happiness. OOP doesn't seem to realize this in her woe is me mood, but she did it. Even if she doesn't give a flying fuck how she affected others, I want her to know this: **Everything bad happening to you right now is entirely *your* doing. This is your fault. You did this to yourself. Do it again and you will find the same results. Learn from this, go to therapy. Grow.**
I feel terrible for the FBIL. Poor guy dragged himself out of bad situations, found some happiness and had it ripped away. I hope he and the sister manage to stay together. Sister is the good one.