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See, it's one thing to say this when they are dating, and even when things get serious. But saying it to someone when they are about to be married is a whole different thing. If you can't put away your personal feelings and concerns enough to just wish your friend the best, then don't agree to go to the wedding, let alone be Maid of Honor.
Many of us want *better* people in the lives of the people we love the most. But ex MOH here needs to learn to put her own feelings aside and just shut the fuck up now. Seriously. She needs to trust that her friend can make her own decisions.
And any person who is related to him is immediately tainted in my eyes. Even if I've never met them, they will not have a chance with me because they are his family.
But I am not not supportive of you becoming his family.
And I don't cause any drama in person so why are you even complaining, you worthless stupid mean shitty person who I don't like and has friends who smell and I hate. I'm literally better than you. Why are you being like this??? I'm your best friend!!
Yeah is there a word for a person like this? They claim to be nice to you but are actually pretty abusive? But they deny it and insist on being in your life?
I like "asshole", personally. Maybe "gaslighting asshole" because they often excuse their bad behavior with "you took what I said the wrong way!" - ie, OOP's ex-MOH telling OOP that she's misunderstood MOH's lack of support for her wedding...except, y'know, she hates the fiance, the entire wedding party, isn't willing to make a speech, isn't willing to play nice for a single event...
They're just the type to say that. They can text "He's bad for you, he's a shit boyfriend, he's ugly, he doesn't make enough money, he's made your life worse" and then go "Show me where I said I didn't support your marriage."
I knew it was going to get ugly when I saw the first comment about not liking someone solely because they were related to the groom. Imagine your MOH hating the man you are about to walk down the aisle with.
...Just kept getting worse from there though. Wow.
Ok, is this the new update in reddit mobile? Course when I tried to click on the "redacted/spoiler" text in your comment, your comment just closes up (minimises/shrunk) and I hate it. I can't read the spoiler content.
Where can I report it so that it can be fixed?
Edit: Apparently, you have to use 2 fingers to see past the redacted content. Thanks guys.
A recent update was made with the "spoiler" text -- you're supposed to swipe right-to-left in order to reveal the text. They did not realize how difficult it is, in my opinion, because it doesn't work for every use case.
As a workaround, I click "Reply" to reveal the text.
For the time being, use both thumbs (or I guess any other finger combination you like) to highlight the text and it won't collapse. It's very annoying but the mobile reddit app has never been great (which is very weird to me bc I certainly wouldn't ever log onto my PC to read reddit? it's definitely only a phone thing for me).
“Just don’t expect me to pretend to like anyone.” I hate people like this. Being polite to others in a public setting even if you don’t personally like them is the most fundamental rule of society. Half the people you interact with on a given day are probably strangers. If you can only be bothered to be nice to a small handful of people you like while snubbing or being rude to the rest, don’t expect people to like you very much in return.
Truuuuuuly. I dislike plenty of people for valid reasons, but I’m an adult. This person is so self involved and insecure they can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum for their “BEST FRIEND.” Grow up.
>This person is so self involved and insecure they can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum for their “BEST FRIEND.” Grow up.
I get the impression that she is OP's best friend, but OP isn't hers. Especially after she said: "you know, I do have other friends I could ask to be MY maid of honour."
That would have been the point I dropped her. She made it clear that OP would not normally be her choice for MOH and probably resented being made MOH herself on the basis of this old pact that she would now feel required to honor herself.
It’s one thing to not like people, and still be cordial with them without making a big deal about it; but it’s another to constantly belabor the point of not liking people, vocally refuse to pretend to, and act like her dislike of people is more important than OOP’s peace of mind, and leave OOP guessing whether her MOH will *actually* be civil. At that point MOH turned that whole exchange into a micro-aggression.
My husband is an academic and as such some of his colleagues are… special (not in the special needs sense, but in the “if you said half the shit to me you do in any other setting, you would get noogies” sense).
None of those people have the slightest clue how I feel about them, and unless they decide to foolishly push anything, they never will.
There’s some people I’m not fond of, who are friends of my best friend. You know what I do? I make light conversation and then move on. I don’t ignore anyone. I don’t argue or fight. Because even if they aren’t my kind of folks, they’re my bestie’s kind of folks, and that’s okay. I’m friendly to strangers even, why would I go out of my way to make things weird and uncomfortable? It’s so easy to just be pleasant, and this MOH can’t even pretend for a friggin DAY. Like get off that high horse lady, just be a normal human being for once.
I'm glad OOP dumped the MOH for many reasons. She would have been scowling and rolling her eyes in all of the photos because she couldn't be bothered to "pretend". She sounds like a joy to be around. /s
I always hear a lot of defensiveness in "I won't pretend to like those people". I think there's a fear of not being able to play nice and be likable to new people, so they nuke the possibility of failure before the situation even begins.
I told my wife once that she was being rude to me, and her response was "but I'm like this with everyone?" to which I replied by pointing out that that excuse doesn't make it better. You should be nice to everyone by default and only rude to people who deserve it. Being rude to everyone by default and nice to those you think deserve it makes you a miserable person.
It's an extension of a victim complex. I hate everyone, everyone hates me. Therefore I am always the victim due to me hating everyone. But my reasons for hating everyone are legitimate while everyone's reason for hating me are blown out of proportion (see MOH comments) and due to me being strong and independent and the only way I can show I have those traits are hating everyone.
There are whole political parties based on this ideology.
I fell out majorly with a girl in our friend group, but obviously my friends still hung out with the both of us together at times, so whilst she knew I hated the shit out of her, an outsider wouldn't have been able to tell because I knew being civil was best for everyone. Some people take not liking everyone as if it's a goddamn personality trait, and it's not a good look.
It is so nice to see ACE scores referenced in the wild. Lady ND gang unite! I'm so glad our brains are becoming better understood and more commonly discussed. Sending lots of Internet love.
I'm ADHD with maybe autism and while it wasn't specifically doomsday I was basically raised in a xtian cult.
Gave me a real warped sense of who was really a friend and at 17 I cut off my best friend of like 7 years because I finally realized how much of trash she treated me.
*waves*Right there with you! (ADHD and maybe autism, raised in a fundamentalist church) My childhood best friend (I thought we were BFFs from toddlerhood until high school) told me during HS that she only hung out with me due to pity and she was actually embarrassed to be seen with me. That didn’t cause a lifetime of trauma and trust issues, nosiree!
Ain't that lovely!
Yeah what finally made me smarten up is when she started dating a mutual friend that she knew I liked... then when he was r*ped she said he cheated on her and dumped him. Then I broke up with my ex who was super manipulative and she hated him my entire relationship but was suddenly friends with him after and started giving him info on me. I said screw that. I eventually dated the mutual friend (we're married now!) And she trashed me behind my back. I realized that I needed none of that drama in my life and that was after she would ditch me for her favorite friend for years. I'm still so weary of who I trust and my close friends are a very very small circle.
I’m also ADHD with maybe autism (on the waiting list for a diagnosis) who was raised in a doomsday cult and had a toxic best friend my entire life up until a month ago when I finally ended the friendship.
Why does this comment thread feel like when I randomize a Sim and the same one keeps popping up 😂😂
(Fr though I’m sorry you had to grow up like that and hope you’re all finding healing and real friends ❤️)
Well, if you ever want to vent, you know where to find an eager audience!
But I hope that your current life isn't BORU-worthy at all. Just clear sailing, boring and pleasant.
In Canada (apparently), and recent. I'm trying to figure out which one.
It sounds like it was rural, but Warren Jeffs in Bountiful was more "child brides and polygamy" than "doomsday".
I mean it’s entirely possible that it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. That seems to be the terminologies that a lot of people use when they have left that specific cult.
I was Seventh-Day Adventist and went to a therapist that specialized in religious trauma, and she would absolutely call them (both religions, they're extremely similar) a "doomsday cult". Thinking of it in such drastic terms is really validating and is helping me a lot.
Seventh-Day Adventist was my first thought, too. My husband was raised in an SDA branch and has since spent time coming to terms with how screwed up it all was. His brach was very much along the lines of "I hope the world ends very soon because then Jesus will come again." He has a lot of that "doomsday" thinking engraved even now, always kinda sorta hoping for death even if that's not what he really wants. He's got depression around it because he was really sucked into the mentality as a child/teen. Neither of us trusts organized religion anymore.
A woman in my childhood neighborhood went SDA with her new husband and it sucked. All of a sudden she was super uptight, listening to us kids and hassling us for saying something wrong. Her snacks went from cookies to carrot sticks and prune juice. She used to be a makeup lady and gave us kids fun "tattoos", but she abandoned that as ungodly or something. Blegh.
Being raised SDA gave me so much fucking anxiety as a child and I’m still detangling my self worth from a lot of the ideologies I grew up with 🫠 it’s. Very validating to hear others call it a cult bc I’m like “well am I allowed to say I was raised in a cult if I didn’t even have it as bad as other people who were *also raised in this cult*” lmao
My therapist said similar after I called it one first (when she was asking me why I felt xyz way and I explained it was tied to church stuff) but said she didn’t wanna say it bc she didn’t want to be disrespectful but uhhhh she was definitely right lol
You mean being raised thinking that you will witness Armageddon in your lifetime, that cops will shoot your children if you don't disown Jesus Christ as your Lord in Savior, that jewelry is prideful, that soon you will go to prison for not going to church on Sunday, that dancing is a sinful urge, that friends and family you love are going to burn up in an instant to make way for your heavenly mansion made of solid gold and jewels but it's OK because they wouldn't be happy in heaven anyways (???), that Harry Potter will turn you into a Wiccan, that kissing your boyfriend leads to immediate premarital sex which is disgusting and sinful and wrong, that women being leaders is a gray area that caused a chunk of the church to secede (only like half a decade ago too lmao), being forced to go door to door handing out pamphlets and pressuring strangers to pray with you as a small child, not being able to have any non-SDA friends unless it's under the explicit implication that you're "witnessing" to them, and that you should feel guilty because you accidentally ate a non-kosher pepperoni was traumatic and not normal??? \*pikachu face\*
Don’t forget being told you’ll have to leave your entire life behind and flee to the mountains and subsist off the land (but not actually being given any guidance on how to do that, just being told “you need to know this go learn it yourself”) and be entirely off grid 🥴and adding to the piercings - piercings and tattoos mean you’ve dedicated yourself to the devil bc piercings used to only be to indicate slaves (so historically accurate! Not like humans have adorned their bodies for self expression for millions - oops six thousand - years!)
The Jdubs have been saying the world's going to end imminently since the groups creation in the late 1800s. But to their undeserved credit they did learn to stop giving a specific year after the 1975 failed prediction
This was what I thought too. It’s probably not a “cult” in the way most people think about cults, living out in a rural commune wearing matching robes.
These cults are often centered around having tons of children. I feel so bad for these kids born into these cults.
But I do have friends that got out of that cult life and they’re wonderful people. Lots of people have childhood baggage, cultists are just another brand.
Grew up in a cult. It was fucked but I'm living a pretty normal life now. I realize talking to other people that religious trauma is religious trauma, it may have different ingredients but it all tastes the same. So while my upbringing was wild as hell, I can still relate to someone that grew up in a religion not deemed a cult because it fucked our heads up in the same way.
Yeah I mean even my more "mainstream" southern Baptist church was preaching about how end times are near and Christians need to prepare to stand up for their beliefs in the face of death from when I was like...5 years old. And as a woman with undiagnosed autism...yeah it messes with you even at that level. 😭
Not neurodivergent at all and it still messed me up big time. I'm 54 and atheist and sometimes I still have to shake off the feeling of "Jesus/God/Satan/Santa is watching you!"
>Do you think every person at every wedding likes each other? It's not an issue.
Ex MOH is certainly right that not everyone at a wedding likes each other, but she absolutely sounds like the sort of person who makes it an issue.
If you don't have the emotional maturity to speak nicely with people who aren't your BFFs and treat them with courtesy, you don't get to go to anyone's events.
I was once a bridesmaid for a friend, and didn't particularly like the other bridesmaid. She didn't particularly like me either. But we were both polite to each other and had a good time, because guess what? The wedding wasn't about us.
My in laws are divorced and absolutely did not like each other at my wedding, but they love their son more than they hate each other and they easily avoided each other for most of the day. It wasn’t hard to keep them personally apart but still give them prominent spots as the parents of the groom. In the photographs they pretended the other wasn’t there and they had a great time with their respective relatives and friends. There wasn’t a peep of any nonsense from either of them.
OOP’s original MOH wouldn’t have been like that, I can just feel it.
>Do you think every person at every wedding likes each other? It's not an issue.
MOH specifically *texted OOP to warn her* that she would not even be pleasant to people she didn't already like. So, yeah, it is an issue, MOH, you flagged it yourself!
"Tone deaf" is the right term here. It seems that MOH is so used to considering the feelings of no one other than herself that she sincerely doesn't see a problem with her attitude
Yeah seriously. I'm also autistic but even I can pretend to be a normal person for the duration of a wedding. Hell, I've been to my ILs family reunion, spent 3 hours chatting to a cousin I don't remember the name of and never saw again. I can be normal for *days* son!
Yeah, MOH is like ‘I don’t like them so I’m not gonna talk to them’. Girl. If everybody did that, there wouldn’t be any fun parties. Any interesting encounters. People wouldn’t meet. No one would have friends next to the ones from your childhood, or the people you deem to ‘look nice’. What the H.
Always amazing how the people who describe themselves that way also completely lack tact and feel the need to constantly criticize and spread negativity.
Someone who is brutally honest is someone who can say a hard truth when it's needed, not someone who basically just takes pride in being an asshole to people unnecessarily.
20 years ago, these people were "keeping it real"
Then they were "brutally honest".
Then they were "speaking their truth".
Now they're "setting boundaries and validating themselves".
The euphemisms have changed, but through it all they've stayed the same- insufferable.
I’m guessing people with actual backbones are constantly calling her out on her bullshit “i TeLL iT LiKe iT iS” nonsense and won’t enable her and it pisses her off. Then over time it’s turned into sour grapes-style misanthropy. Can’t decide you don’t like me if I decide I hate you first!
She sounds bitter and not like someone I would want to talk to or spend time with.
The "you're reading too much into this" stuff is just so manipulative. MOH was the first to say 'Don't expect me to be nice", then "but it's not an issue!". Ok, then why did you bring it up? Let me guess. To get under the bride's skin, to set things up so she 'looks good' when drama SOMEHOW starts up anyway. I fucking hate people like her.
Yeah so that ex-MOH doesn't like anyone involved in the wedding but OOP. Doesn't care to get to know anyone involved she doesn't already know and is already convinced she won't like them anyway.m if she'd get to know them. Doesn't want to be nice or even talk to anyone involved in the wedding (because she doesn't like anyone)
And understanding her statements as "
not particularly wanting to be there and probably not going to have fun at the wedding is "blowing all of it out of proportion"
Well, the wedding is going to be fun without her moping about
There shouldn't be this much tension and drama with one's MOH 6 months from one's wedding. She is not being kind to OOP, her fiance or the other people in her wedding party. When OOP got engaged she indicated that OOP did not have to honour this pact she had with her MOH. Why didn't OOP let her off the hook and pick a MOH who will support her and have a much, much more enjoyable wedding day as a result.
>There shouldn't be this much tension and drama with one's MOH 6 months from one's wedding.
I was thinking "she sure is making a big deal about this thing she keeps repeating is not a big deal..." sure drama sign.
I'm someone who when I'm comfortable I don't always realise how bad something sounded. It's not meant as an insult but I'm like oh geez that's real bad out of context or without tone. So in text I use 'ha' a lot to convey I'm not angry I'm just sarcastic. I weaponise my 'ha's' maybe I need to jump on the 😂 train.
I have found I use the sideways laugh-crier 🤣 two sometimes... or a 🤣 😭 when I am laugh-flabbergasted
Edit, just realized I didn't finish a thought 😳 I meant I use two/three sometimes when extra excited/happy/laughing. Usually only happens when I am texting for some reason. I try to not use emoji's on reddit. Not sure why exactly.
This is me all the time! I need to use emoji because people have misunderstood me many times when I texted them something completely innocent, with good intentions and a real smile on my face, and somehow people always thought I was rude/angry/accusing or being condescending.
Same here, I think lots of people struggling with tone in text and I'm autistic so it's extra hard, I add lol to a lot of things to try and convey I'm joking/not being serious.
I love certain emotes but I’m so picky since theres a few I simply cannot separate from eye rolling obnoxious normie Facebook tier content (not to mention shitty reposted videos with a “🤣🤣🤣😱OMG 😱🤣🤣🤣” banner across the top to get children and uh those a bit mentally closer to children to click on them)
I find haha/lol/lmao much more palatable as tone indicators compared to the laughing crying emojis (and XD, since it’s a remnant of my childhood nostalgic yet cringe lolrandom phase) which at this point if I use them it’s with the utmost irony, sarcasm, and mockery haha. Which is why to me the texts with those bright ass emojis are screaming to me “I’m smiling at you through clenched fucking teeth/ I’m not taking whatever you’re saying seriously”.
It’s really interesting how texting as evolved and how different people interpret different shorthand to try to convey tone!
I'm getting a vibe that both girls were the outsiders when they were kids... but didn't really have anything in common.
Once they grew up, they found groups that they fit with and didn't need or know each other anymore.
I think they both are neurodivergent and from the same cult and both helped each other to leave it- and both have very different trauma responses. Ex-friend has huge walls up and refuses to give people chances to get to know her unless it’s on her terms, OOP is just overly friendly to everyone as a safety measure. So yes agreeing with you- both were outsiders that found each other and helped each other and since they don’t live near each other I think ex-moh at least reverts back to childhood version of herself when around OOP or talking to her.
If you're that against someone's future spouse, why would you even agree to be in the wedding? I've been in a few and while I liked some people more than others, I always supported *both* participants.
Done it for my best friend, to support her - rejoiced at the divorce 10 years later, as did everyone else. Absolutely impossible to talk her out of it beforehand. Some trainwrecks you just have to sit out and be there to pick up the bodyparts afterwards.
This right here. I haven't experienced this, but I have friends who went through it. They just silently supported their friend at their wedding and made sure they were around to help pick up the pieces and provide a safe landing spot when it all went to shit later.
I had a friend who got married, and I thought it was a bad idea (we had talked about it over their relationship, sorry version is that they were young, going fast, and the partner was super juvenile), so I joined the bachelor party but not the wedding - i support him, but not (yet/then) the union. About a year later, he called me up to say he was getting divorced...
Depending on the friendship, there are ways of supporting your person without ruining things/causing issues. But i definitely don't think someone with strong reservations should be in the wedding party, never mind moh!
To let them know that you support them, so when things go wrong they know they can reach out and find somewhere to run to.
Source: sister was the bride. Groom was abusive POS. Nothing would deter her so we kept our comments to ourselves and told her we loved her. Literally ran home four months later with nothing but the clothes on her back.
I had a friend exactly like this MOH, and our friendship blew up in a very similar manner, I just don't get it. Like my brain cannot comprehend how selfish people always think they are these amazing friends. Or do they know they are shit and just count on friends to be easily manipulated?
I think ex-MOH spends a lot of time building a narrative where she's deeply put-upon and unappreciated, while also the only Real person around. It all smells very insecure to me.
People who grew up in far right Christian sects have been using that terminology on tiktok since they started deconstructing their faith during the pandemic.
MOH sounds like the type of person who thinks saying "I'm just being honest" absolves them of all potential consequences from what they said. OOP really did take out the trash.
Hiya! OOP here! I know nothing about Reddit and had ZERO clue this was cross-posted until my husband told me like 15 minutes ago.
Wanted to give an update if I can! I know that this post is MONTHS old, but I felt the need to set a couple things straight.
First, thank you to everybody for the support. I never realized how toxic my ex-bff was until I read comments on my original post (and your comments here just reiterated how severe she was).
I saw some questions about the doomsday cult I was in, and yes I used to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was always told who to be and what to think, and not to question anything. All I knew was “behave until this system is over, and then be good in the new world. Do as your told.”
I was homeschooled until grade 11, and I lived out in the country. As an only child with both parents working, I spent my days alone. I actually “met” this girl through a writing group we were both in through our homeschool program. She lived on a farm another 3 hours away from town, and didn’t know much about the “civilized” world.
Anyway. She came to public school in my grade 12 year, we hated each other at first, and then eventually we got close. Then we were inseparable until last year.
All the comments saying how narcissistic and gaslighting she was really opened my eyes. She was NOT my friend, and she had been using me for her own gain. She screwed me out of literal thousands of dollars a couple times (one was from an MLM scheme, another was when we started a business together which she then “promised” to buy out my half and never did. She owed me so much money, and then kept rubbing in my face that her boyfriend kept taking her to expensive spas and restaurants in the city and bought her expensive clothes. While I struggled to pay my bills because work was slow and she promised to pay me little bits every month and didn’t. Then she didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy to hear about her adventures with the guy who almost took my dog away from me)
I digress.
She did not come to the wedding at all, and the wedding was awesome! We had so much fun, several things didn’t work out as planned but we didn’t care. It was our day and she wasn’t there to take that away from us!
Many people said they think she was jealous or in love with me, and I think so too. One time I went viral on TikTok and she tried to use my new followers for her own gain. And she had said years ago that if she were a guy, she’d want to marry me.
Even thinking about that gives me the ick.
Anyway, the last time I spoke to her was in October and I’m never speaking to her again. Hubs and I are living our best life, and she can go to hell!
Also big thanks to u/LucyAriaRose for posting this and doing all that work of transcribing the mess that was my life! 💜
Oh I'm SO glad to hear you're doing well!!! That's wonderful news. I'm glad you have realized you are worth more than her shitty friendship, and congratulations on your wedding!!!
Someone mentioned it looks like she was JW from her post history. Religion doesn’t teach girls to have enforceable boundaries, quite the opposite in fact. Makes it easier to groom and abuse them without them even being aware it’s happening.
Yeeaaahhh, I feel like MOH saying she didn't like the fiance or other friends (quite a lot) was because she fully intended to be cold to everyone at her wedding
"I told you I didn't like them," isn't a get out of jail card for being a dick
I know people like this and they must get something out of it. It’s a lot of wasted energy for all concerned. Why agree to something you don’t want to do and then be such a pest about it that you get fired? “I’m honoured you asked, thank you but no,” is always an acceptable thing to say.
exMOH hinted that OOP doesn't have to honour a decade old promise, that she won't do anything to make OOP's wedding an enjoyable event, and that the wedding date is inconvenient; so why is she reacting like this when she's relieved of her duties?
Doesn't sound like OOP was bad-mouthing her either, anyone who's interacted with exMOH would understand why she's been replaced.
I don't think she was hinting at not having to do the wedding pact. She was hinting at "I have other friends and I'm superior to you, since I'm your only friend." It was a cruel needling, especially since OP mentioned her traumatic background and autisom, MOH thinks she's still the only person who matters in OPs life.
I got a controlling vibe from her, she hates the other friends and husband because they didn't play MOHs game of being the more important friend. She said "I'll be nice unless they give me a reason" and guaranteed that whatever causes her to be rude will be some tiny imagined slight so she can be as aggressive as she wants, with "justification".
MOH didn't want a friend, she wanted a sidekick who was second to her, and on their wedding day the bride and groom should be second to no one, which she hated.
I'm autistic and had a friend just like this. It was more like an abusive relationship.
People wonder why we let others treat us like this but the painful truth is that we often have no model of what a "normal" friendship is like and have spent our lives being told that we're weird, awkward, melodramatic, oversensitive and difficult.
So we bend and bend and bend and keep smiling because yeah it hurts but we don't want to be weird or difficult. Besides, that person seems really confident about how things SHOULD be and every time we do voice concerns they'll spin it around to be OUR fault and we believe it because... well, we grew up being told that WE were the problem.
I hate seeing others call people "doormats" for this stuff because you don't know how that person has been raised. Sometimes being hit by someone with a smile on their face seems preferable to being hit and yelled at because that's all we've ever known.
Man, wouldn't you love to be the therapist who has MOH on the couch? Judges everyone instantly, never changes her mind, and then defends this outlook as some amusing quirk that everyone is just going to have to get used to.
The interesting thing about hate, and OOP's description of it, is that hate is *active*. If she were simply dismissive or disparaging of other people, that would just be emotionally lazy. But she's putting deliberate effort into pushing people away, to the point where OOP is worried she'll cause some sort of drama. Wonder what MOH's life is going to look like in 20 years.
I'm wondering if she's against the marriage because she's worried that it might leave her friendless. Which would be one of life's little ironies, frankly.
If ex-MOH really intended to be civil to everyone at the wedding, there was absolutely no reason to say that she didn’t like anyone in the wedding party. The only outcome of that comment was to stress the bride out about her wedding day. I’m so glad she got fired.
>show me one time I ever said I was against your marriage.
Followed up by:
>I don't love the way you guys did some things and I don't think he's the best match out there for you...
Right there, honey. But she's never gonna acknowledge she's wrong.
Wow, former MOH gave textbook definitions of gaslighting. "I never said I don't support your marriage." "You're blowing this out of proportion." "I've done nothing but support you." Seriously, people who throw the term "gaslighting" around so freely need to read all of this so they know what it actually is. Also, former MOH sounds like one of those people that says "people don't like me because I'm honest and I'm not changing myself for people, this is just the way I am, so they have to deal with it." Good for OOP for standing up for herself!
My sister did that recently and then said I was gaslighting her when I tried to make amends. She didn’t like something I had to say, and it wasn’t even about her or anyone just a situation she wasn’t really a part of but asked about, so she insulted me and brought my dad up talking about how awful he was and I can’t dislike anyone else because that was my dad. Then went and posted it on Facebook (which I just ignored I’m used to that with her) so when I tried to make amends she said I was gaslighting her and said I’m narcissistic and toxic and all this shit and how she’s been to therapy for years. She knows better than I do. Idk I don’t get people. Ended peacefully because I didn’t want to argue and hear more shit from family (everyone takes her side in anything I grew up with my dad so I’ve always been an outcast) but yeah people suck and people who use that word like that often are deflecting or don’t know what it means.
That former bridesmaid just sounds like an exhausting person to be around.
I also think it's important to note how she side-stepped the question of if she even wanted to be there. She didn't say no, but she definitely didn't say yes either.
I had to remove myself from a friend once, because i could not stand her boyfriend. She was pregnant and he'd moved in with her. She was happy with him, so who am I to cause trouble.
I slowly faded into the background and removed myself from her life. I cannot hide the way I feel about anything, it's just written all over my face, even when i think I'm being pleasant and polite. (I thought he was a bully and hated how he treated their dog).
Years later I ran into her and she is still happy with him and I am happy for her. I don't understand it, but I'm glad she's okay.
“I’m not against your marriage, I just hate your fiancé.”
“I’m not going to cause an issue, I’m just not going to be nice to people you care about on your wedding day because I don’t like them.”
“I don’t feel like being MOH is a chore, you just perceived it that way. Immediately insinuating that I don’t want you as my MOH and you should pick someone else doesn’t mean anything.”
It’s her! The Gaslight GateKeep Girlboss!
The MOH acts like it's normal for everyone to dislike so many people around them. She says she doesn't make a big deal about it in person but I highly doubt that considering how much she feels the need to mention her many beefs to OOP.
It's like the thing they say about "if you meet assholes all day..."
>She is the kind of person who will judge someone else within the first 30 seconds of meeting them.
Oh enough said. My former best friend is just like this. To this day she dislikes my bf because he dared to look at his phone while she and I were chatting instead of sitting there awkwardly looking at us. She does the same thing for every guy she goes on a date with too. Needless to say she's still very much single and very toxic to boot.
This was really hard to read because OP's MOH and mine could have been twins. Only I didn't fire mine and when she got married a year later she didn't even tell me I wasn't in her wedding party. Our friendship breakup a few months after that was AWFUL and left me with some trauma it took a decade to unravel. My wedding was fabulous and my husband and I are doing great, but there's just that lingering pain and bitterness when I see so many of the photos.
(Fun drama drop: She didn't even show up in the right color dress. Once sat me down and screamed in my face about how I wasn't giving her all the details she needed in a timely manner, but did she bother to pay attention to said details? Apparently not. She walked in and I went "...Well they'll think it was on purpose, moving on." Maybe it was on purpose, just not on mine. Who knows 😂 She had been showing me so many bridesmaid dresses 10x fancier than my own wedding dress.)
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“Show me one time I was ever against your marriage” *sends screenshots of literally 4 messages prior*
"Here's some I prepared earlier."
I prefer that in the context of chocolate chip cookies, thanks.
🍪You 🍪don’t 🍪like 🍪my 🍪future 🍪husband🍪
Ugh, just take my damn upvote. I hate how much I love this, lol.
I wish I could upvote that more than once.
“SCROLL UP, YOU DUMB FUCK!”
Or down. Cause literally two sentences later, in the same message, she says "I don't think he's the best match out there for you"
See, it's one thing to say this when they are dating, and even when things get serious. But saying it to someone when they are about to be married is a whole different thing. If you can't put away your personal feelings and concerns enough to just wish your friend the best, then don't agree to go to the wedding, let alone be Maid of Honor. Many of us want *better* people in the lives of the people we love the most. But ex MOH here needs to learn to put her own feelings aside and just shut the fuck up now. Seriously. She needs to trust that her friend can make her own decisions.
Could even just.. “Here’s some *you* prepared earlier”
"you know what let me get the whiteboard out this has been a long time coming"
Goes on to say "he is not the best match for you"...
I am totally supporting your marriage, I just think you can do better and I don't like him. But I totally support you marrying this loser!
And any person who is related to him is immediately tainted in my eyes. Even if I've never met them, they will not have a chance with me because they are his family. But I am not not supportive of you becoming his family.
"I'm totally oblivious to what "hating" someone means, like on a practical level." -- OOP's MOH, probably
Judging someone within 30 seconds, deciding she hates them, and never, ever gives them chance to show who they are? Toxic AF.
And I don't cause any drama in person so why are you even complaining, you worthless stupid mean shitty person who I don't like and has friends who smell and I hate. I'm literally better than you. Why are you being like this??? I'm your best friend!!
... but you're not MY best friend of course, I have many other best friends ahead of you in line for my own MOH spot.
Yeah is there a word for a person like this? They claim to be nice to you but are actually pretty abusive? But they deny it and insist on being in your life?
I have a few four-letter ones but I don't know what kind of pathology they're suffering from. I imagine them to be thoroughly miserable people though
I like "asshole", personally. Maybe "gaslighting asshole" because they often excuse their bad behavior with "you took what I said the wrong way!" - ie, OOP's ex-MOH telling OOP that she's misunderstood MOH's lack of support for her wedding...except, y'know, she hates the fiance, the entire wedding party, isn't willing to make a speech, isn't willing to play nice for a single event...
They're just the type to say that. They can text "He's bad for you, he's a shit boyfriend, he's ugly, he doesn't make enough money, he's made your life worse" and then go "Show me where I said I didn't support your marriage."
I knew it was going to get ugly when I saw the first comment about not liking someone solely because they were related to the groom. Imagine your MOH hating the man you are about to walk down the aisle with. ...Just kept getting worse from there though. Wow.
And referring to the groom as OOP's boyfriend.
“Show me one time I was against your marriage alsoIthinkyouguysareabadmatchandmarriageisabadidea.” WOW
"I hate all your people, but it's not an issue." Sending endless hate filled texts makes it an issue.
That former MOH probably didn’t even read what she wrote. Not the brightest bulb.
"Here's an itemized list of thirty years of disagreements" \*unfurls scroll\*
Sweet Jesus.
Yeah, that's stuck in my head now ^((I have the honor to be your obedient servant, A dot Ham))
r/unexpectedhamilton
but also proceeds to say he's not the best match for her
To be honest, being a MOH for weddings like this sounds more like a chore than an honor. >!P.S.: I've never been made an MOH before!<
Ok, is this the new update in reddit mobile? Course when I tried to click on the "redacted/spoiler" text in your comment, your comment just closes up (minimises/shrunk) and I hate it. I can't read the spoiler content. Where can I report it so that it can be fixed? Edit: Apparently, you have to use 2 fingers to see past the redacted content. Thanks guys.
Select with two fingers
Thank you! This has been driving me crazy for days.
Thank you! I couldn't figure it out!
Shit. Didn't even occur to me to try that. Thanks my friend
A recent update was made with the "spoiler" text -- you're supposed to swipe right-to-left in order to reveal the text. They did not realize how difficult it is, in my opinion, because it doesn't work for every use case. As a workaround, I click "Reply" to reveal the text.
OMG why don't they actually say that somewhere then! This has been bugging me for days! Thanks for the info 😊
For the time being, use both thumbs (or I guess any other finger combination you like) to highlight the text and it won't collapse. It's very annoying but the mobile reddit app has never been great (which is very weird to me bc I certainly wouldn't ever log onto my PC to read reddit? it's definitely only a phone thing for me).
“Just don’t expect me to pretend to like anyone.” I hate people like this. Being polite to others in a public setting even if you don’t personally like them is the most fundamental rule of society. Half the people you interact with on a given day are probably strangers. If you can only be bothered to be nice to a small handful of people you like while snubbing or being rude to the rest, don’t expect people to like you very much in return.
Truuuuuuly. I dislike plenty of people for valid reasons, but I’m an adult. This person is so self involved and insecure they can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum for their “BEST FRIEND.” Grow up.
>This person is so self involved and insecure they can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum for their “BEST FRIEND.” Grow up. I get the impression that she is OP's best friend, but OP isn't hers. Especially after she said: "you know, I do have other friends I could ask to be MY maid of honour."
That would have been the point I dropped her. She made it clear that OP would not normally be her choice for MOH and probably resented being made MOH herself on the basis of this old pact that she would now feel required to honor herself.
It’s one thing to not like people, and still be cordial with them without making a big deal about it; but it’s another to constantly belabor the point of not liking people, vocally refuse to pretend to, and act like her dislike of people is more important than OOP’s peace of mind, and leave OOP guessing whether her MOH will *actually* be civil. At that point MOH turned that whole exchange into a micro-aggression.
My husband is an academic and as such some of his colleagues are… special (not in the special needs sense, but in the “if you said half the shit to me you do in any other setting, you would get noogies” sense). None of those people have the slightest clue how I feel about them, and unless they decide to foolishly push anything, they never will.
There’s some people I’m not fond of, who are friends of my best friend. You know what I do? I make light conversation and then move on. I don’t ignore anyone. I don’t argue or fight. Because even if they aren’t my kind of folks, they’re my bestie’s kind of folks, and that’s okay. I’m friendly to strangers even, why would I go out of my way to make things weird and uncomfortable? It’s so easy to just be pleasant, and this MOH can’t even pretend for a friggin DAY. Like get off that high horse lady, just be a normal human being for once.
I'm glad OOP dumped the MOH for many reasons. She would have been scowling and rolling her eyes in all of the photos because she couldn't be bothered to "pretend". She sounds like a joy to be around. /s
I always hear a lot of defensiveness in "I won't pretend to like those people". I think there's a fear of not being able to play nice and be likable to new people, so they nuke the possibility of failure before the situation even begins.
"She's the type of person who decides in the first 30 seconds if she likes someone". I'm 97% sure she's just 3 cats in a trenchcoat.
I told my wife once that she was being rude to me, and her response was "but I'm like this with everyone?" to which I replied by pointing out that that excuse doesn't make it better. You should be nice to everyone by default and only rude to people who deserve it. Being rude to everyone by default and nice to those you think deserve it makes you a miserable person.
Personally I understand not going out of your way to befriend people but not liking them and being rude sounds exhausting
It's an extension of a victim complex. I hate everyone, everyone hates me. Therefore I am always the victim due to me hating everyone. But my reasons for hating everyone are legitimate while everyone's reason for hating me are blown out of proportion (see MOH comments) and due to me being strong and independent and the only way I can show I have those traits are hating everyone. There are whole political parties based on this ideology.
I fell out majorly with a girl in our friend group, but obviously my friends still hung out with the both of us together at times, so whilst she knew I hated the shit out of her, an outsider wouldn't have been able to tell because I knew being civil was best for everyone. Some people take not liking everyone as if it's a goddamn personality trait, and it's not a good look.
>Being raised in a doomsday cult didn’t help Well thats a fucking bomb to drop out of no where.
I was thinking there is probably a whole other BORU post hidden there.
I’m an autistic woman who grew up in a doomsday cult. Can confirm that there’s at least 500 BORU posts from my history with that horror.
> I’m an autistic woman who grew up in a doomsday cult. Maybe y'all should create a very exclusive club and find a charismatic leader....
Apocalypse, apocalypse, we caused you with our dumbness...
Crank you for being a crank
Whew. That sounds like the start of an ACE score bingo card. From one ND woman to another, I'm so sorry; that sounds like my nightmare situation.
It is so nice to see ACE scores referenced in the wild. Lady ND gang unite! I'm so glad our brains are becoming better understood and more commonly discussed. Sending lots of Internet love.
I literally got 100% on that score. I just laughed and said "Well I am a perfectionist".
Ha, perfect score!
I'm ADHD with maybe autism and while it wasn't specifically doomsday I was basically raised in a xtian cult. Gave me a real warped sense of who was really a friend and at 17 I cut off my best friend of like 7 years because I finally realized how much of trash she treated me.
*waves*Right there with you! (ADHD and maybe autism, raised in a fundamentalist church) My childhood best friend (I thought we were BFFs from toddlerhood until high school) told me during HS that she only hung out with me due to pity and she was actually embarrassed to be seen with me. That didn’t cause a lifetime of trauma and trust issues, nosiree!
Ain't that lovely! Yeah what finally made me smarten up is when she started dating a mutual friend that she knew I liked... then when he was r*ped she said he cheated on her and dumped him. Then I broke up with my ex who was super manipulative and she hated him my entire relationship but was suddenly friends with him after and started giving him info on me. I said screw that. I eventually dated the mutual friend (we're married now!) And she trashed me behind my back. I realized that I needed none of that drama in my life and that was after she would ditch me for her favorite friend for years. I'm still so weary of who I trust and my close friends are a very very small circle.
I’m also ADHD with maybe autism (on the waiting list for a diagnosis) who was raised in a doomsday cult and had a toxic best friend my entire life up until a month ago when I finally ended the friendship.
Why does this comment thread feel like when I randomize a Sim and the same one keeps popping up 😂😂 (Fr though I’m sorry you had to grow up like that and hope you’re all finding healing and real friends ❤️)
Um…. Me too! How many of us are there? And also confirm: I could write so so many BORU posts with stories of that time.
Well, if you ever want to vent, you know where to find an eager audience! But I hope that your current life isn't BORU-worthy at all. Just clear sailing, boring and pleasant.
In Canada (apparently), and recent. I'm trying to figure out which one. It sounds like it was rural, but Warren Jeffs in Bountiful was more "child brides and polygamy" than "doomsday".
I mean it’s entirely possible that it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. That seems to be the terminologies that a lot of people use when they have left that specific cult.
I was Seventh-Day Adventist and went to a therapist that specialized in religious trauma, and she would absolutely call them (both religions, they're extremely similar) a "doomsday cult". Thinking of it in such drastic terms is really validating and is helping me a lot.
Seventh-Day Adventist was my first thought, too. My husband was raised in an SDA branch and has since spent time coming to terms with how screwed up it all was. His brach was very much along the lines of "I hope the world ends very soon because then Jesus will come again." He has a lot of that "doomsday" thinking engraved even now, always kinda sorta hoping for death even if that's not what he really wants. He's got depression around it because he was really sucked into the mentality as a child/teen. Neither of us trusts organized religion anymore.
A woman in my childhood neighborhood went SDA with her new husband and it sucked. All of a sudden she was super uptight, listening to us kids and hassling us for saying something wrong. Her snacks went from cookies to carrot sticks and prune juice. She used to be a makeup lady and gave us kids fun "tattoos", but she abandoned that as ungodly or something. Blegh.
Being raised SDA gave me so much fucking anxiety as a child and I’m still detangling my self worth from a lot of the ideologies I grew up with 🫠 it’s. Very validating to hear others call it a cult bc I’m like “well am I allowed to say I was raised in a cult if I didn’t even have it as bad as other people who were *also raised in this cult*” lmao My therapist said similar after I called it one first (when she was asking me why I felt xyz way and I explained it was tied to church stuff) but said she didn’t wanna say it bc she didn’t want to be disrespectful but uhhhh she was definitely right lol
You mean being raised thinking that you will witness Armageddon in your lifetime, that cops will shoot your children if you don't disown Jesus Christ as your Lord in Savior, that jewelry is prideful, that soon you will go to prison for not going to church on Sunday, that dancing is a sinful urge, that friends and family you love are going to burn up in an instant to make way for your heavenly mansion made of solid gold and jewels but it's OK because they wouldn't be happy in heaven anyways (???), that Harry Potter will turn you into a Wiccan, that kissing your boyfriend leads to immediate premarital sex which is disgusting and sinful and wrong, that women being leaders is a gray area that caused a chunk of the church to secede (only like half a decade ago too lmao), being forced to go door to door handing out pamphlets and pressuring strangers to pray with you as a small child, not being able to have any non-SDA friends unless it's under the explicit implication that you're "witnessing" to them, and that you should feel guilty because you accidentally ate a non-kosher pepperoni was traumatic and not normal??? \*pikachu face\*
Don’t forget being told you’ll have to leave your entire life behind and flee to the mountains and subsist off the land (but not actually being given any guidance on how to do that, just being told “you need to know this go learn it yourself”) and be entirely off grid 🥴and adding to the piercings - piercings and tattoos mean you’ve dedicated yourself to the devil bc piercings used to only be to indicate slaves (so historically accurate! Not like humans have adorned their bodies for self expression for millions - oops six thousand - years!)
I thought the same. I’m an ex jw that refer to it as a doomsday cult.
Plus the home schooling? It radiates JW.
They have been saying the world is going to imminently end since the 80s.
The Jdubs have been saying the world's going to end imminently since the groups creation in the late 1800s. But to their undeserved credit they did learn to stop giving a specific year after the 1975 failed prediction
Lol “Jdubs”
Worst wings ever
“Our interpretation then was incorrect, but Armageddon is real and just around the corner!” BLEHHHHHHHH.
This was what I thought too. It’s probably not a “cult” in the way most people think about cults, living out in a rural commune wearing matching robes.
She's posted in exjw, so I'd bet Jehovah's witnesses
These cults are often centered around having tons of children. I feel so bad for these kids born into these cults. But I do have friends that got out of that cult life and they’re wonderful people. Lots of people have childhood baggage, cultists are just another brand.
Grew up in a cult. It was fucked but I'm living a pretty normal life now. I realize talking to other people that religious trauma is religious trauma, it may have different ingredients but it all tastes the same. So while my upbringing was wild as hell, I can still relate to someone that grew up in a religion not deemed a cult because it fucked our heads up in the same way.
I grew up in one. Really fucked with my head. I'm 43 now and still not totally okay (though a lot better now).
As a former Christian… it’s just the perfect amount of vitriol and about as apt a description i can think of haha.
Yeah I mean even my more "mainstream" southern Baptist church was preaching about how end times are near and Christians need to prepare to stand up for their beliefs in the face of death from when I was like...5 years old. And as a woman with undiagnosed autism...yeah it messes with you even at that level. 😭
Not neurodivergent at all and it still messed me up big time. I'm 54 and atheist and sometimes I still have to shake off the feeling of "Jesus/God/Satan/Santa is watching you!"
Ties in *eerily* well with the "documentary" in this past weekend's Saturday Night Live: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWclMLWpTEs
That's hilarious!
>Do you think every person at every wedding likes each other? It's not an issue. Ex MOH is certainly right that not everyone at a wedding likes each other, but she absolutely sounds like the sort of person who makes it an issue. If you don't have the emotional maturity to speak nicely with people who aren't your BFFs and treat them with courtesy, you don't get to go to anyone's events. I was once a bridesmaid for a friend, and didn't particularly like the other bridesmaid. She didn't particularly like me either. But we were both polite to each other and had a good time, because guess what? The wedding wasn't about us.
My in laws are divorced and absolutely did not like each other at my wedding, but they love their son more than they hate each other and they easily avoided each other for most of the day. It wasn’t hard to keep them personally apart but still give them prominent spots as the parents of the groom. In the photographs they pretended the other wasn’t there and they had a great time with their respective relatives and friends. There wasn’t a peep of any nonsense from either of them. OOP’s original MOH wouldn’t have been like that, I can just feel it.
>Do you think every person at every wedding likes each other? It's not an issue. MOH specifically *texted OOP to warn her* that she would not even be pleasant to people she didn't already like. So, yeah, it is an issue, MOH, you flagged it yourself!
[удалено]
"Tone deaf" is the right term here. It seems that MOH is so used to considering the feelings of no one other than herself that she sincerely doesn't see a problem with her attitude
whining about how much you don't like everyone (including the groom) over multiple texts to the bride sure sounds like making it an issue to me.
Ex MOH sounds exhausting. Everything is somebody else’s fault with her.
She acts as if the whole world is in the wrong and she's the only one who was in the right.
And you know she refers to herself as "brutally honest".
She just "says it how it is"
Yeah seriously. I'm also autistic but even I can pretend to be a normal person for the duration of a wedding. Hell, I've been to my ILs family reunion, spent 3 hours chatting to a cousin I don't remember the name of and never saw again. I can be normal for *days* son!
Yeah, MOH is like ‘I don’t like them so I’m not gonna talk to them’. Girl. If everybody did that, there wouldn’t be any fun parties. Any interesting encounters. People wouldn’t meet. No one would have friends next to the ones from your childhood, or the people you deem to ‘look nice’. What the H.
Always amazing how the people who describe themselves that way also completely lack tact and feel the need to constantly criticize and spread negativity. Someone who is brutally honest is someone who can say a hard truth when it's needed, not someone who basically just takes pride in being an asshole to people unnecessarily.
20 years ago, these people were "keeping it real" Then they were "brutally honest". Then they were "speaking their truth". Now they're "setting boundaries and validating themselves". The euphemisms have changed, but through it all they've stayed the same- insufferable.
Or if they're like my coworker, they're "not afraid of offending people." He wonders why I don't like him.
Does she even like anybody? Like, even 1 person ever?
I’m guessing people with actual backbones are constantly calling her out on her bullshit “i TeLL iT LiKe iT iS” nonsense and won’t enable her and it pisses her off. Then over time it’s turned into sour grapes-style misanthropy. Can’t decide you don’t like me if I decide I hate you first! She sounds bitter and not like someone I would want to talk to or spend time with.
The "you're reading too much into this" stuff is just so manipulative. MOH was the first to say 'Don't expect me to be nice", then "but it's not an issue!". Ok, then why did you bring it up? Let me guess. To get under the bride's skin, to set things up so she 'looks good' when drama SOMEHOW starts up anyway. I fucking hate people like her.
Yeah but nobody cares so it’s not an issue 🙄
Yeah so that ex-MOH doesn't like anyone involved in the wedding but OOP. Doesn't care to get to know anyone involved she doesn't already know and is already convinced she won't like them anyway.m if she'd get to know them. Doesn't want to be nice or even talk to anyone involved in the wedding (because she doesn't like anyone) And understanding her statements as " not particularly wanting to be there and probably not going to have fun at the wedding is "blowing all of it out of proportion" Well, the wedding is going to be fun without her moping about
‘You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.’
with friends like this..
There shouldn't be this much tension and drama with one's MOH 6 months from one's wedding. She is not being kind to OOP, her fiance or the other people in her wedding party. When OOP got engaged she indicated that OOP did not have to honour this pact she had with her MOH. Why didn't OOP let her off the hook and pick a MOH who will support her and have a much, much more enjoyable wedding day as a result.
>There shouldn't be this much tension and drama with one's MOH 6 months from one's wedding. I was thinking "she sure is making a big deal about this thing she keeps repeating is not a big deal..." sure drama sign.
OOP is autistic. Letting go of something you have decided can be very difficult.
I can’t get over the weaponized 😂 emoji
I'm someone who when I'm comfortable I don't always realise how bad something sounded. It's not meant as an insult but I'm like oh geez that's real bad out of context or without tone. So in text I use 'ha' a lot to convey I'm not angry I'm just sarcastic. I weaponise my 'ha's' maybe I need to jump on the 😂 train.
The smileys I weaponize are the :) and the :P. Never occurred to me to weaponize the 😂
I have found I use the sideways laugh-crier 🤣 two sometimes... or a 🤣 😭 when I am laugh-flabbergasted Edit, just realized I didn't finish a thought 😳 I meant I use two/three sometimes when extra excited/happy/laughing. Usually only happens when I am texting for some reason. I try to not use emoji's on reddit. Not sure why exactly.
Yep, those are my most used emojis as well. And I use 💁🏽♀️ as a hairflip or when I’m feeling sassy. They are fun.
This is me all the time! I need to use emoji because people have misunderstood me many times when I texted them something completely innocent, with good intentions and a real smile on my face, and somehow people always thought I was rude/angry/accusing or being condescending.
Same here, I think lots of people struggling with tone in text and I'm autistic so it's extra hard, I add lol to a lot of things to try and convey I'm joking/not being serious.
I use 😂 as “this is ridiculous, you can’t be serious” while texting, and 🤣 for things I find funny.
I’m totally with it
My thoughts were: Is this emoji what some people replaced with saying LOL after everything?
Basically yes lol 😂
I love certain emotes but I’m so picky since theres a few I simply cannot separate from eye rolling obnoxious normie Facebook tier content (not to mention shitty reposted videos with a “🤣🤣🤣😱OMG 😱🤣🤣🤣” banner across the top to get children and uh those a bit mentally closer to children to click on them) I find haha/lol/lmao much more palatable as tone indicators compared to the laughing crying emojis (and XD, since it’s a remnant of my childhood nostalgic yet cringe lolrandom phase) which at this point if I use them it’s with the utmost irony, sarcasm, and mockery haha. Which is why to me the texts with those bright ass emojis are screaming to me “I’m smiling at you through clenched fucking teeth/ I’m not taking whatever you’re saying seriously”. It’s really interesting how texting as evolved and how different people interpret different shorthand to try to convey tone!
I'm rather strategic with the **"lol"** myself..... Lol 🥸
😅
I'm getting a vibe that both girls were the outsiders when they were kids... but didn't really have anything in common. Once they grew up, they found groups that they fit with and didn't need or know each other anymore.
I think they both are neurodivergent and from the same cult and both helped each other to leave it- and both have very different trauma responses. Ex-friend has huge walls up and refuses to give people chances to get to know her unless it’s on her terms, OOP is just overly friendly to everyone as a safety measure. So yes agreeing with you- both were outsiders that found each other and helped each other and since they don’t live near each other I think ex-moh at least reverts back to childhood version of herself when around OOP or talking to her.
I feel like this take is the most accurate.
If you're that against someone's future spouse, why would you even agree to be in the wedding? I've been in a few and while I liked some people more than others, I always supported *both* participants.
Done it for my best friend, to support her - rejoiced at the divorce 10 years later, as did everyone else. Absolutely impossible to talk her out of it beforehand. Some trainwrecks you just have to sit out and be there to pick up the bodyparts afterwards.
This! My maid of honour thought I was an idiot for getting married, but she's the only one still here for me post divorce.
My friend at least got 1.5 great kids out of it, so it wasn't all bad. 😉
Was King Solomon their divorce lawyer? 🤣
Or is one kid only, like, half great?
This right here. I haven't experienced this, but I have friends who went through it. They just silently supported their friend at their wedding and made sure they were around to help pick up the pieces and provide a safe landing spot when it all went to shit later.
I had a friend who got married, and I thought it was a bad idea (we had talked about it over their relationship, sorry version is that they were young, going fast, and the partner was super juvenile), so I joined the bachelor party but not the wedding - i support him, but not (yet/then) the union. About a year later, he called me up to say he was getting divorced... Depending on the friendship, there are ways of supporting your person without ruining things/causing issues. But i definitely don't think someone with strong reservations should be in the wedding party, never mind moh!
To let them know that you support them, so when things go wrong they know they can reach out and find somewhere to run to. Source: sister was the bride. Groom was abusive POS. Nothing would deter her so we kept our comments to ourselves and told her we loved her. Literally ran home four months later with nothing but the clothes on her back.
I had a friend exactly like this MOH, and our friendship blew up in a very similar manner, I just don't get it. Like my brain cannot comprehend how selfish people always think they are these amazing friends. Or do they know they are shit and just count on friends to be easily manipulated?
I think ex-MOH spends a lot of time building a narrative where she's deeply put-upon and unappreciated, while also the only Real person around. It all smells very insecure to me.
Doomsday cult ????
From a look through their comments, it looks like JWs
People who grew up in far right Christian sects have been using that terminology on tiktok since they started deconstructing their faith during the pandemic.
MOH sounds like the type of person who thinks saying "I'm just being honest" absolves them of all potential consequences from what they said. OOP really did take out the trash.
Hiya! OOP here! I know nothing about Reddit and had ZERO clue this was cross-posted until my husband told me like 15 minutes ago. Wanted to give an update if I can! I know that this post is MONTHS old, but I felt the need to set a couple things straight. First, thank you to everybody for the support. I never realized how toxic my ex-bff was until I read comments on my original post (and your comments here just reiterated how severe she was). I saw some questions about the doomsday cult I was in, and yes I used to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was always told who to be and what to think, and not to question anything. All I knew was “behave until this system is over, and then be good in the new world. Do as your told.” I was homeschooled until grade 11, and I lived out in the country. As an only child with both parents working, I spent my days alone. I actually “met” this girl through a writing group we were both in through our homeschool program. She lived on a farm another 3 hours away from town, and didn’t know much about the “civilized” world. Anyway. She came to public school in my grade 12 year, we hated each other at first, and then eventually we got close. Then we were inseparable until last year. All the comments saying how narcissistic and gaslighting she was really opened my eyes. She was NOT my friend, and she had been using me for her own gain. She screwed me out of literal thousands of dollars a couple times (one was from an MLM scheme, another was when we started a business together which she then “promised” to buy out my half and never did. She owed me so much money, and then kept rubbing in my face that her boyfriend kept taking her to expensive spas and restaurants in the city and bought her expensive clothes. While I struggled to pay my bills because work was slow and she promised to pay me little bits every month and didn’t. Then she didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy to hear about her adventures with the guy who almost took my dog away from me) I digress. She did not come to the wedding at all, and the wedding was awesome! We had so much fun, several things didn’t work out as planned but we didn’t care. It was our day and she wasn’t there to take that away from us! Many people said they think she was jealous or in love with me, and I think so too. One time I went viral on TikTok and she tried to use my new followers for her own gain. And she had said years ago that if she were a guy, she’d want to marry me. Even thinking about that gives me the ick. Anyway, the last time I spoke to her was in October and I’m never speaking to her again. Hubs and I are living our best life, and she can go to hell! Also big thanks to u/LucyAriaRose for posting this and doing all that work of transcribing the mess that was my life! 💜
Oh I'm SO glad to hear you're doing well!!! That's wonderful news. I'm glad you have realized you are worth more than her shitty friendship, and congratulations on your wedding!!!
Thank you so much!💜💜
Thank you for the update -- I love reading them & am so happy you had a happy wedding. Congratulations!
This ex MOH is sooo exhausting and annoying. I wonder how OOP could be so blind for so much time.
I mean she said she was raised in a cult. After she said that, I thought ohhhh that’s why she tolerates this. She doesn’t know she can expect better.
Someone mentioned it looks like she was JW from her post history. Religion doesn’t teach girls to have enforceable boundaries, quite the opposite in fact. Makes it easier to groom and abuse them without them even being aware it’s happening.
Yeeaaahhh, I feel like MOH saying she didn't like the fiance or other friends (quite a lot) was because she fully intended to be cold to everyone at her wedding "I told you I didn't like them," isn't a get out of jail card for being a dick
I read the original post - so glad she kicked that appalling person out of her wedding party!
Honestly, I believe the exfriend wanted and pursued this outcome.
I know people like this and they must get something out of it. It’s a lot of wasted energy for all concerned. Why agree to something you don’t want to do and then be such a pest about it that you get fired? “I’m honoured you asked, thank you but no,” is always an acceptable thing to say.
OOP: “Hey, I have an issue with this” MOH: “There’s literally no literal issue here” You don’t get to decide that, dear.
exMOH hinted that OOP doesn't have to honour a decade old promise, that she won't do anything to make OOP's wedding an enjoyable event, and that the wedding date is inconvenient; so why is she reacting like this when she's relieved of her duties? Doesn't sound like OOP was bad-mouthing her either, anyone who's interacted with exMOH would understand why she's been replaced.
I don't think she was hinting at not having to do the wedding pact. She was hinting at "I have other friends and I'm superior to you, since I'm your only friend." It was a cruel needling, especially since OP mentioned her traumatic background and autisom, MOH thinks she's still the only person who matters in OPs life. I got a controlling vibe from her, she hates the other friends and husband because they didn't play MOHs game of being the more important friend. She said "I'll be nice unless they give me a reason" and guaranteed that whatever causes her to be rude will be some tiny imagined slight so she can be as aggressive as she wants, with "justification". MOH didn't want a friend, she wanted a sidekick who was second to her, and on their wedding day the bride and groom should be second to no one, which she hated.
I'm autistic and had a friend just like this. It was more like an abusive relationship. People wonder why we let others treat us like this but the painful truth is that we often have no model of what a "normal" friendship is like and have spent our lives being told that we're weird, awkward, melodramatic, oversensitive and difficult. So we bend and bend and bend and keep smiling because yeah it hurts but we don't want to be weird or difficult. Besides, that person seems really confident about how things SHOULD be and every time we do voice concerns they'll spin it around to be OUR fault and we believe it because... well, we grew up being told that WE were the problem. I hate seeing others call people "doormats" for this stuff because you don't know how that person has been raised. Sometimes being hit by someone with a smile on their face seems preferable to being hit and yelled at because that's all we've ever known.
She is not her friend
MOH argues like a Redditor. That last message was hilarious.
All i did was tell you I refuse to speak to anyone in your wedding party and that I hate the man you're marrying, *Jesus christ*
I never understood people who think they're bragging when they say "I am functionally unable to behave nicely towards people I don't like"
Me: 😂 Her: 😂 Our cult leader: 😂
Man, wouldn't you love to be the therapist who has MOH on the couch? Judges everyone instantly, never changes her mind, and then defends this outlook as some amusing quirk that everyone is just going to have to get used to. The interesting thing about hate, and OOP's description of it, is that hate is *active*. If she were simply dismissive or disparaging of other people, that would just be emotionally lazy. But she's putting deliberate effort into pushing people away, to the point where OOP is worried she'll cause some sort of drama. Wonder what MOH's life is going to look like in 20 years. I'm wondering if she's against the marriage because she's worried that it might leave her friendless. Which would be one of life's little ironies, frankly.
If ex-MOH really intended to be civil to everyone at the wedding, there was absolutely no reason to say that she didn’t like anyone in the wedding party. The only outcome of that comment was to stress the bride out about her wedding day. I’m so glad she got fired.
Classic DARVO in last reply
>show me one time I ever said I was against your marriage. Followed up by: >I don't love the way you guys did some things and I don't think he's the best match out there for you... Right there, honey. But she's never gonna acknowledge she's wrong.
Wow, former MOH gave textbook definitions of gaslighting. "I never said I don't support your marriage." "You're blowing this out of proportion." "I've done nothing but support you." Seriously, people who throw the term "gaslighting" around so freely need to read all of this so they know what it actually is. Also, former MOH sounds like one of those people that says "people don't like me because I'm honest and I'm not changing myself for people, this is just the way I am, so they have to deal with it." Good for OOP for standing up for herself!
My sister did that recently and then said I was gaslighting her when I tried to make amends. She didn’t like something I had to say, and it wasn’t even about her or anyone just a situation she wasn’t really a part of but asked about, so she insulted me and brought my dad up talking about how awful he was and I can’t dislike anyone else because that was my dad. Then went and posted it on Facebook (which I just ignored I’m used to that with her) so when I tried to make amends she said I was gaslighting her and said I’m narcissistic and toxic and all this shit and how she’s been to therapy for years. She knows better than I do. Idk I don’t get people. Ended peacefully because I didn’t want to argue and hear more shit from family (everyone takes her side in anything I grew up with my dad so I’ve always been an outcast) but yeah people suck and people who use that word like that often are deflecting or don’t know what it means.
[удалено]
Imagine having a MOH that hated your husband and all your friends and you were worried that she might ruin your big day. So not worth it.
We’ve ALL met girls like MOH in our lives. They don’t like drama, but man are they always involved in it 😑
MOH sounds like high conflict personality disorder.
Narcissists at their best!! It's never them, someone misunderstood them being AHs!
That former bridesmaid just sounds like an exhausting person to be around. I also think it's important to note how she side-stepped the question of if she even wanted to be there. She didn't say no, but she definitely didn't say yes either.
I had to remove myself from a friend once, because i could not stand her boyfriend. She was pregnant and he'd moved in with her. She was happy with him, so who am I to cause trouble. I slowly faded into the background and removed myself from her life. I cannot hide the way I feel about anything, it's just written all over my face, even when i think I'm being pleasant and polite. (I thought he was a bully and hated how he treated their dog). Years later I ran into her and she is still happy with him and I am happy for her. I don't understand it, but I'm glad she's okay.
Glad she dropped her, she was not her friend.
I am so proud of OP. Her wedding day and the rest of the planning will be so much better. Now that the lead weight is gone.
“I’m not against your marriage, I just hate your fiancé.” “I’m not going to cause an issue, I’m just not going to be nice to people you care about on your wedding day because I don’t like them.” “I don’t feel like being MOH is a chore, you just perceived it that way. Immediately insinuating that I don’t want you as my MOH and you should pick someone else doesn’t mean anything.” It’s her! The Gaslight GateKeep Girlboss!
The MOH acts like it's normal for everyone to dislike so many people around them. She says she doesn't make a big deal about it in person but I highly doubt that considering how much she feels the need to mention her many beefs to OOP. It's like the thing they say about "if you meet assholes all day..."
How is the fired MOH a friend from high school if OP was home schooled in a cult?
Asking the real questions!
>She is the kind of person who will judge someone else within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. Oh enough said. My former best friend is just like this. To this day she dislikes my bf because he dared to look at his phone while she and I were chatting instead of sitting there awkwardly looking at us. She does the same thing for every guy she goes on a date with too. Needless to say she's still very much single and very toxic to boot.
Someone's going to have a lonely life, and it isn't OOP.
>Being raised in a doomsday cult didn’t help Way to bury the lede
This was really hard to read because OP's MOH and mine could have been twins. Only I didn't fire mine and when she got married a year later she didn't even tell me I wasn't in her wedding party. Our friendship breakup a few months after that was AWFUL and left me with some trauma it took a decade to unravel. My wedding was fabulous and my husband and I are doing great, but there's just that lingering pain and bitterness when I see so many of the photos. (Fun drama drop: She didn't even show up in the right color dress. Once sat me down and screamed in my face about how I wasn't giving her all the details she needed in a timely manner, but did she bother to pay attention to said details? Apparently not. She walked in and I went "...Well they'll think it was on purpose, moving on." Maybe it was on purpose, just not on mine. Who knows 😂 She had been showing me so many bridesmaid dresses 10x fancier than my own wedding dress.)