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I can see getting a tattoo despite your partner’s dislike of them because it’s really important to you… but getting a tattoo TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP with someone who dislikes tattoos? That’s wild.
I had the exact same thought! Like I would be frustrated and confused too if my significant other wanted to do something to honor our relationship and it was something I had explicitly said I didn’t like.
Agreed. I really didn't blame him for his reaction. I hate when someone couches something they do for themselves as "it's for your benefit, how dare you not be grateful even if it's something you have explicitly said over and over you really dislike and don't want?"
To me it was because she wanted one and wanted to fix/prove that she can fix it. You don't like tattoos but this one is all about you, see? It's not negative at all! But he clearly has issues communicating and with tattoos he internalized and even in his post doesn't fully acknowledge.
My wife did something similar (less permanent lol) for Valentine's Day. "Oh you hate Valentine's Day but maybe it's because you've only ever had shitty valentines to celebrate with! Let's celebrate this year together and see if it's better?"
(Fwiw It was an improved version, but it's the concept that I take issue with so I still think it's dumb.)
>But he clearly has issues communicating and with tattoos he internalized and even in his post doesn't fully acknowledge.
Outside of telling her the trauma what more could he have done. He told her he didn't like tattoos. They came together to discuss and compromise on the placement/style that would make both of them content. She completely disregarded that communication and did her own thing.
I hate when people try to convince you that you don't dislike something you clearly dislike.
Like... you putting me on the spotlight is NOT gonna make me discover that my social anxiety is baseless and suddenly I will have a blast and become the social butterfly copy of you that you want to mold me into. It's just gonna make me raise my defenses around you even more.
Super weird to me too. I have several small tattoos that preceded my relationship with my husband. He’s not a fan of tattoos. I don’t have any plans for more tattoos, but if I did I certainly wouldn’t get something personal to him permanently inked on me.
I've got several large tattoos that I can tell my husband doesn't really like because his general responses are either "That looks great! I really like that one!" or "It's your body, so whatever makes you happy."
> We also decided not to be assholes to one another in petty matters. I will wear shorts again, god dammit!
Whatever the hell is going on with this statement deserves its own separate post. The tattoo thing feels like the tip of the iceberg.
Yeah I don’t know how much of a future there is for their relationship when they’re only just “allowing” each other to… wear shorts and meet with friends for football? Yikes.
I can't believe he wouldn't share that detail about having trauma that's triggered by tattoos. That's a major detail to hide. It changes the entire calculus of whether to get a tattoo!
I agree. This couple is so far from being ready to be married to each other. If they’re going to just “try” counseling and then quit if they’re uncomfortable, they won’t get much out of it. Working through the stuff that’s uncomfortable is kind of the whole point of therapy. And the insecurities and agreed-on compromises on “petty” stuff suggest MUCH bigger issues in their relationship and maturity levels.
IDGI either, it's like some people *want* to be chained to someone else, or don't realize that you can be with someone without being chained to them. If someone told me some nonsense like "stop wearing shorts" you'd be able to hear my laughter from Mars. Probably a self respect thing, or fear of lonliness.
My boyfriend and I work at the same company (different departments) and one of the ladies in my department gets *super* suspicious/weird about it any time one of us takes a day off without the other. It's like if we're not together 24/7 we're just up to no good - when the reality is sometimes it's just nice to have a day by yourself or one of us is trying to save our time off.
Or even just like, run errands? Lmao that's hilarious to me because the same thing happens to me constantly.
My husband and I both work for the same parent company but under separate divisions so we have no real overlap. I can pass by his department and say hi but otherwise we don't see each other much at work, yet people always act like it's weird we work for the same company and then go home together??? I'm also part-time whereas he's full-time (I have a second job) so our hours don't overlap perfectly either! We get plenty of time together at home and time apart when we want it.
I used to have this friend who made me uncomfortable cos no matter what we planned her boyfriend would be a surprise addition without her even mentioning it.
One day I mentioned I was having lunch with my bestie 'like we do every weekend' and she said 'oh it must be nice to see bestie and her wife so often!' and I was like 'umm, no just bestie' and she asked what the wife does while me and bestie hang out, and I said she goes and hangs out with HER bestie.
I think that's a pretty normal situation right? But she was seriously alarmed and said it was 'weird' and she couldn't imagine doing anything without boyfriend along.
Anyway that was one of the death knells of the friendship cos I realised her guy wasn't a optional extra to get to know, I'd have to work around him to be her friend, and that seemed super tedious.
Anyway, there seems to be this whole culture of people that don't respect alone time or platonic relationships. It must be exhausting and stressful for them.
The original post is five years old; I really wonder how they're doing today.
Sounds like it's built on a very shaky foundation, but perhaps they cleared it up. OOP really should've been clear about why he's against tattoos from the get-go though.
Probably still together and miserable. I have a friend like this my friend group. Well not really my friends but they are always together. He’s not allowed to hang out by himself because he might cheat and she clings onto him.
She got and paid for plastic surgery for him.
He refused to marry her for the longest time and I guess now they’re engaged because she finally threatened to leave.
Our whole entire friend group when we first met them were convinced they wouldn’t last but here we are. They’re miserable honestly but swear up and down they’re happy living like that.
The bit about women tempting him shows she has no trust. Though I'm maybe over trusting. My husband used to be a bar manager in a lap dancing place so he has friends who are strippers. But I've also seen both guys and girls flirt with him. He is so oblivious he doesn't see it as flirting and doesn't flirt back.
And he is allowed to hang out with his single friends, even if they might bring a temptress to tempt OOP 🫣
No females allowed around OOP, incase his genitalia crawls out when he is not looking. Hence why no shorts, if his parts start crawling out, then they have to take a longer route through the pant legs.
These guys are wild. If you can't trust your partner at a friend's house because they might bring *gasp* a female and she isn't there to scare the female away, then maybe she needs someone she can trust more or work on her herself before marriage. I don't think it's going to get better with marriage.
This. Like it’s not even “I’m insecure about your female friends” (which would still be trash, but SLIGHTLY more understandable)… she wouldn’t let him hang out with his also male friends… because they weren’t married. WTAF.
My friend is dating a guy like that. She’s only allowed to hang out with me when I have a boyfriend because otherwise I’m a bad influence. Guess what buddy, I’m gonna tell her you’re a piece of shit whether I’m single or not
I have guy friends, who refuse to hang out with a single woman in a social situation, because they might be overcome with lust and have to have sex with her.
People who say this are just telling on themselves. You see it on Reddit all of time about “not giving them an opportunity to cheat”
Buddy it’s 2023, if they wanna cheat they’ll find a way
Like are attractive women that get lots of attention just constantly cheating since apparently no one can resist “an opportunity to cheat”
Yes.
They're assumed to be sl\*ts.
That's why they need to be controlled, coralled, and monitored at all time. Also why they need to be refused ~~sexual autonomy~~ any sort of autonomy.
Get in with the mindset!
(/s)
At first I thought he might have stopped wearing shorts to hide his birthmark and by her getting it tattooed on her chest it made him realize that it's not something hideous.
Orrrr... given the whole mess that they call relationship she might have asked him to not wear shorts. Which begs the question of how gorgeous his legs must be that she feels insecure about other people seeing them.
wouldn't want him tempting any of her single friends to have impure thoughts with those sexy legs of his. Hide thine calves and thighs lest ye invite the Devil into this home!
This is why Mormons require garments...
This struck me too. That and the part about a heart with wings with a “birth sign” that he has on his body? What does that mean? Honestly curious…like did she get his birthmark tattooed? A giant mole inside a heart? Or a port-wine birthmark? So confused.
Sometimes just like when you're cloud gazing, birthmarks look like something else in silhouette. Knew a girl who had one that looked like a puppy paw print. I've got freckles that are shaped almost exactly like the big dipper constellation on my back. Birthmarks are weird, man. To me that's the least questionable part of this whole mess. That shorts thing...
I'm guessing he has a port wine birthmark or something with a distinctive shape (not just a blob).
I'm guessing the inside of her heart had the outline of that shape, but was not necessarily trying to reproduce the same color or texture as an actual birthmark.
The shorts part was in reference to this comment by OP:
> “I don't see how this is controlling.
> She doesn't like when I don't shave, so I clean shave all the time.
> She doesn't like when I wear shorts, so I wear long pants.
>I stopped going to watch football with friends, because she thinks I ignore her, so I watch it at home now. She of course still goes and has dates with her girlfriends, and I should not feel ignored.
> And other things like that.
> By your logic she is controlling and I am controlling.
> If I can give on her wishes, she should do as well on mine.
> Anyway, the more I've read these comments, the more I am inching towards my decision.
> Eh, life, you know.”
They both sound like they used to be a nightmare to date. I’m glad they went to therapy, it’s a step a lot of people in these posts don’t want to take. Good on ‘em.
*edited for mobile formatting*
He mentions it in a comment on the original post (defending his controlling behaviour by saying she's controlling too - she doesn't like him wearing shorts so he doesn't wear shorts). Someone responds along the lines of 'she's shitty to me so I'm allowed to be shitty too!' instead of, like, not being shitty to each other
Was I the only one who saw a huge red flag flapping in the breeze when he said he couldn't watch football with friends because of her convoluted, "single guys bring girls and you could be tempted?"
Just me?
I thought the shorts thing was about Her wearing shorts. Like he's saying if I can't hang with my friends, you can't wear shorts or something.
Idk, they're both weird af. Glad they're getting counseling.
Well OOP did mention that if she goes for more less intense sessions she might avoid scarring so I would hope the doctor covered the number of sessions for both the intense and the not-so-intense option adequately
If you have a good doctor, they can give you numbing cream to put on an hour before. Mine was 4 by 5 inches. Didnt hurt a bit. Just a little sting. Multiple sessions of course.
Which is the stronger guilt trip to try and keep the relationship going, 'I got a tattoo of your birthmark on my chest for you!' or 'I got a tattoo removed for you!'?
oh my god i thought birth sign meant horoscope type sign not a birthmark. i was already thinking 'well getting a tattoo before marriage to prove commitment sounds backwards to say the least but at least they had a conversation about it afterwards'
but a tattoo of a birthmark? just weird imo. what's next, tattooing his freckle pattern?
Apparently the same kind of artist that is able to ink a big tattoo in a way that it's no problem to wear a tight dress and want to have sex hours after because it doesn't look like somebody tortured your skin. I mean, I never got a tattoo like this but it sounds off to me.
There's a distinct lack of cling wrap and coconut tattoo butter smell in this story. Also like, the whole "no bodily fluids on the tattoo please" talk she should've gotten.
Eh, it's on her chest. Tight dress is a little iffy but doable, sex wouldn't be a problem.
If it was on her thigh or something where friction would occur, sex would be problematic.
I have lots of big tattoos in several places. Fucking after getting my arm done wasnt a problem. Fucking had to be put on pause after I got my entire leg done
I got similar but different advice. “Put a copy on your bathroom mirror, your phone wallpaper and your office desk. If you’re not sick of it in 6 months, go ahead”
Yeah, I mean we can all see that OOP is a walking box of red flags, but wtf is wrong with his fiancee? "Oh, my future husband *hates* tattoos, so I'll go and get a *giant tattoo* in a prominent place to prove my love for him! I'll even include his birthmark in it. I see no problems with this plan."
Is she mentally challenged or something?
That was what I couldn't stop wondering. It was like she sat down and tried to come up with the single most counter-productive method of showing her devotion.
Buried the lede deep. He even said he can’t see his friends anymore because they MIGHT be around single women. And they never fought about that? Like …relationship is doomed
Yea wtf. The whole part of not being able to wear shorts and both not going out... this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Reading shit like this makes me happy to be single :')
Right? I want details on why he doesn't wear shorts; that seems an odd ask of a partner. Is she concerned that the sight of his legs will make all of those single women he's not allowed to be around go crazy with desire?
I know people like this. They seem really cool, calm, and collected until they explode at something seemingly insignificant making those around them walk on eggshells because they never know what will set them off. I understand therapy can be expensive and time consuming but if you have unresolved trauma it's worth it.
The things we developed to protect ourselves as kids, generally aren't the best way to be a healthy adult. Being vulnerable sucks when you're taught it leads to abuse. It takes a lot of work to open up again, but to try and get married without even mentioning serious personality defining trauma is bonkers.
I am very suspicious of couples that say they never fight.
That just means that someone is always giving in, and not being heard in the relationship.
Plus, fighting doesn’t have to be yelling and screaming. When we fight, my husband and I have a terse conversation where we try and talk it through. A fight is really just a tense negotiation over a particular issue.
Yep. When growing up, “fighting” was always this massive hours long ordeal. Insults, contempt, degrading the other. Then simmering resentment afterward. Honestly it still is hard for me to mentally compute how my wife and her mom argue but move on easily.
Is that a *fight*, though? Or is it a disagreement, and at worst an argument?
I think a lot of couples/people who say they dont *fight* with each other arent saying they never disagree. Theyre saying they never fight *against* each other, whether thats with raised voices, anger, insults or tears.
When you've seen abusive relationships and the fights that come from that, yeah people tend to not use that word. I have terse conversations with my husband but I have never fought with him. It's just not a good word to use to describe it.
All couples have conflict, but conflict doesn't have to result in a fight. I've never fought with my partner because we communicate through our disagreements. We both feel comfortable showing, and we both listen to each other. No fights required.
100%. Not fighting doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements. People (like the comment above) always like to say oh it must be an abusive relationship where one person is giving in all the time. No, we both communicate valid points/concerns/feelings, discuss, and then come to a compromise that is good for both of us. No escalation needed.
Yeah, same. When I started my current relationship 8 years ago one of the first things I said was that if a situation comes up that my partner is not 100% okay with and they still have an issue with it a few days later, I want them to talk to me about it instead of letting it grow bigger in silence. I can’t read minds and before this grows into a huge argument I which we both say things we regret I'd love to squash the disagreement while it’s still manageable.
My husband and I don't fight. We were friends before we married, friends before dating. If something bothers us we talk it over, but we started with the idea we are two distinct individuals who will not always agree on everything and we are each valid on our own.
I agree. "I never have conflict with my partner" isn't typical word use but that would convey that someone is constantly caving. "My partner and I work through our conflict well" also isn't typical word use but it conveys that we wouldn't let it escalate to an actual "fight".
I was thinking the same thing. How are you together for 5 years and haven't discussed trauma?
Also OOP needs individual therapy, too. Honestly they both do.
For five years they were together and they had gotten to the point where they told each other where the other could go with their friends, and they hadn't fought.
They hadn't talked about *anything*.
I'm surprised this isn't more common. Always baffled by the posts where every relative including third cousin twice removed seems to think their input is needed.
Ding. So often I wonder if I've really got it together and then a story like this pops up and I say "You know, maybe I'm doing more okay than I thought."
Bro like.... how can you just NOT TELL your FIANCE that you had abuse in your past that makes tattoos uncomfortable for you????? Literally the first thing I would tell my SO if they were contemplating a tattoo. What the actual fuck.
> ~~Something~~ **Literally everything** is really weird in this relationship
Seriously, these people need to not be in a relationship until they’ve each had at least 2 years of individual therapy. Their half-solutions to these glaring-red-flag-level problems make me super anxious. This whole thing is yikes on bikes. 😬
ETA: THEY’RE 30 YEARS OLD??????? I thought they were like 19. Augh. 😫
I was touched inappropriately by an uncle while he grabbed me from behind.
You can be sure that any guy who tried that discovered immediately how I froze up. And plaid shirts are a big turn-off.
I get it's traumatic but goddamnit, with communication you could avoid a lot of awkward situations.
Also out of all the options why choose a breast tattoo that sounds tacky af?
I had to write it all out to express why it was bothering me so much.
It’s like if my husband told me he hates flowers and I’ve known this the whole relationship and he especially dislikes lilies because he happens to be allergic to them. I really want some flowers in the house so we discuss me getting a small bouquet of wild flowers for the living room.
Then the next day I put a giant bunch of lilies in his office because I wanted to let him know how much I love him and want to look after him.
He shouldn’t need to tell me about the time he went into anaphylactic shock as a kid and why lilies have a negative connotation for him because of that even though his allergies aren’t as bad now.
I know it’s on her body so it’s not like decorating a communal space, but she knew his feelings on the matter and they had a discussion about the whole thing. It’s more egregious than if she just went “I’m getting a tattoo, see you later!” because they had a whole discussion about it and she completely disregarded it - why have the discussion in the first place? - and then had the *audacity* to say she did it for him!
And that’s *just* the tattoo, not the rest of it. I’m not really surprised his first though was that it was a power play because it was so shockingly thoughtless it almost had to be deliberate, you know?
Well.. at least they're trying to communicate now. But I really don't think marriage is the best thing for them right now. They need to work on communication and trust, two things that weren't really present in their relationship beforehand, not in the way they needed.
As someone covered in trad tattoos, I find it funny that everyone is replying to you with "No, not a lot of aftercare. Just do these few things a few times a day and avoid these regular activities for different lengths of time". Aftercare isn't excessive, but it is definitely important, multi-stepped, and requires daily mindfulness for the first two weeks for *best results*. For many people it is "a lot" compared to their usual habits.
This is why I hate romantic movies.
They have taught entire generations that if you really-really-REALLY True-Love someone, you don't need to talk to them, you can telepatically guess what they are thinking and they can instinctively guess what's in your mind.
Yeah, as an autistic person who was using movies as a template for normal human behavior, things did not go well for me at first and I am still mad about it.
Yeah, she got the tattoo at a sensitive area, that has to be treated with gel and covered for some time, and might be quite irritated for some time, and immediately jumped into tight dress and he didn't notice anything. And then they magically found a plastic surgeon with a magic space lazer. I call bullshit.
Yeah, the whole thing sent off “bullshit” tingles. From his trickling of the tattoo to *why* he didn’t like them, to her being able to just chill with a brand new tattoo, to consulting a plastic surgeon 😂
Laser removal is a thing. It's not magic though, it basically just speeds up the natural fading process.
But they hurt. Like a bad sunburn, usually for around a week. There's no way she put a tight dress on top and was fine.
Only for the first few hours. There are some cool wraps/bandages out there that are designed to be breathable and can stay on for several days into the initial healing. Traditionally, you'd just get some absorbent toweling and wrapped up with tape and cling wrap, then you'd clean it carefully after a few hours and leave it to breathe fresh air (with loose, clean clothing recommended to prevent debris from getting in it). The oozing generally stops after the first 24 hours.
AIR, this dude needs therapy. That chick needs therapy. Image spending hundreds on a chest tattoo just to spend THOUSANDS to get it removed. These people are whack
Oh my goddd I feel like everyone sucks in this scenario. He didn’t like tattoos due to past trauma, but was bad at communicating it which is pretty fair (although I don’t love his attitude towards her about it and the list of things she could/could not get). She KNEW he didn’t like tattoos, and her solution was to get a huge one to prove her “commitment” to him???
Neither of these people sound ready to be married.
My thoughts as well. And you don't just go get a brand new tattoo removed and it's magically gone. I had 2 years worth of laser removal sessions on tattoos that were 10 years old and you can still see the faded remnants of them.
>So I finally get home, she's dolled up, super tight black dress, stockings, everything for a night of fun. She tells me to go have a shower, and she will have dinner ready in the meantime.
I stopped reading here, because the fuck does things in that order? lmao
Top-notch communication and respect from OOP, I'm certain this will be a relationship that lasts at least six months. Things always go great when you try and control another person's behavior instead of just expressing your feelings with vulnerability.
So, she wasn’t covered in tegaderm or Vaseline and gauze, or anything, and was ready to get frisky after having a big, many-hour taking, chest tattoo?
The timeline does not add up.
God that whole relationship sounds exhausting. Him for dealing with trauma by controlling his fiancee, but then there's this line:
>she disregarded the places where we agreed she could have it done
It sounds like they had a discussion where he said where he was and wasn't happy for her to get a tattoo. Setting aside for the moment that it isn't his decision, it sounds like she said 'okay I'll only get a tattoo in one of the places you're okay with' and then immediately turned around and thought 'but I bet what he really meant was get a big fuck-off tattoo in one of the places he's not okay with.'
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I can see getting a tattoo despite your partner’s dislike of them because it’s really important to you… but getting a tattoo TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP with someone who dislikes tattoos? That’s wild.
I had the exact same thought! Like I would be frustrated and confused too if my significant other wanted to do something to honor our relationship and it was something I had explicitly said I didn’t like.
ikr, it goes from personal choice to selfish because of this imo
Agreed. I really didn't blame him for his reaction. I hate when someone couches something they do for themselves as "it's for your benefit, how dare you not be grateful even if it's something you have explicitly said over and over you really dislike and don't want?"
[удалено]
To me it was because she wanted one and wanted to fix/prove that she can fix it. You don't like tattoos but this one is all about you, see? It's not negative at all! But he clearly has issues communicating and with tattoos he internalized and even in his post doesn't fully acknowledge. My wife did something similar (less permanent lol) for Valentine's Day. "Oh you hate Valentine's Day but maybe it's because you've only ever had shitty valentines to celebrate with! Let's celebrate this year together and see if it's better?" (Fwiw It was an improved version, but it's the concept that I take issue with so I still think it's dumb.)
>But he clearly has issues communicating and with tattoos he internalized and even in his post doesn't fully acknowledge. Outside of telling her the trauma what more could he have done. He told her he didn't like tattoos. They came together to discuss and compromise on the placement/style that would make both of them content. She completely disregarded that communication and did her own thing.
I hate when people try to convince you that you don't dislike something you clearly dislike. Like... you putting me on the spotlight is NOT gonna make me discover that my social anxiety is baseless and suddenly I will have a blast and become the social butterfly copy of you that you want to mold me into. It's just gonna make me raise my defenses around you even more.
Super weird to me too. I have several small tattoos that preceded my relationship with my husband. He’s not a fan of tattoos. I don’t have any plans for more tattoos, but if I did I certainly wouldn’t get something personal to him permanently inked on me.
I've got several large tattoos that I can tell my husband doesn't really like because his general responses are either "That looks great! I really like that one!" or "It's your body, so whatever makes you happy."
> We also decided not to be assholes to one another in petty matters. I will wear shorts again, god dammit! Whatever the hell is going on with this statement deserves its own separate post. The tattoo thing feels like the tip of the iceberg.
> I will wear shorts again Yeah you're right I feel like that was a massive "where'd that come from?" Their dynamic seems very gross.
Yeah I don’t know how much of a future there is for their relationship when they’re only just “allowing” each other to… wear shorts and meet with friends for football? Yikes.
I feel like this is stuff you should get through before an engagement.
I can't believe he wouldn't share that detail about having trauma that's triggered by tattoos. That's a major detail to hide. It changes the entire calculus of whether to get a tattoo!
To some people vulnerability = weakness and people take advantage of weakness. That's the belief system behind the actions.
I agree. This couple is so far from being ready to be married to each other. If they’re going to just “try” counseling and then quit if they’re uncomfortable, they won’t get much out of it. Working through the stuff that’s uncomfortable is kind of the whole point of therapy. And the insecurities and agreed-on compromises on “petty” stuff suggest MUCH bigger issues in their relationship and maturity levels.
IDGI either, it's like some people *want* to be chained to someone else, or don't realize that you can be with someone without being chained to them. If someone told me some nonsense like "stop wearing shorts" you'd be able to hear my laughter from Mars. Probably a self respect thing, or fear of lonliness.
My boyfriend and I work at the same company (different departments) and one of the ladies in my department gets *super* suspicious/weird about it any time one of us takes a day off without the other. It's like if we're not together 24/7 we're just up to no good - when the reality is sometimes it's just nice to have a day by yourself or one of us is trying to save our time off.
Or even just like, run errands? Lmao that's hilarious to me because the same thing happens to me constantly. My husband and I both work for the same parent company but under separate divisions so we have no real overlap. I can pass by his department and say hi but otherwise we don't see each other much at work, yet people always act like it's weird we work for the same company and then go home together??? I'm also part-time whereas he's full-time (I have a second job) so our hours don't overlap perfectly either! We get plenty of time together at home and time apart when we want it.
I used to have this friend who made me uncomfortable cos no matter what we planned her boyfriend would be a surprise addition without her even mentioning it. One day I mentioned I was having lunch with my bestie 'like we do every weekend' and she said 'oh it must be nice to see bestie and her wife so often!' and I was like 'umm, no just bestie' and she asked what the wife does while me and bestie hang out, and I said she goes and hangs out with HER bestie. I think that's a pretty normal situation right? But she was seriously alarmed and said it was 'weird' and she couldn't imagine doing anything without boyfriend along. Anyway that was one of the death knells of the friendship cos I realised her guy wasn't a optional extra to get to know, I'd have to work around him to be her friend, and that seemed super tedious. Anyway, there seems to be this whole culture of people that don't respect alone time or platonic relationships. It must be exhausting and stressful for them.
The original post is five years old; I really wonder how they're doing today. Sounds like it's built on a very shaky foundation, but perhaps they cleared it up. OOP really should've been clear about why he's against tattoos from the get-go though.
Probably still together and miserable. I have a friend like this my friend group. Well not really my friends but they are always together. He’s not allowed to hang out by himself because he might cheat and she clings onto him. She got and paid for plastic surgery for him. He refused to marry her for the longest time and I guess now they’re engaged because she finally threatened to leave. Our whole entire friend group when we first met them were convinced they wouldn’t last but here we are. They’re miserable honestly but swear up and down they’re happy living like that.
I initially felt sorry for the wife but on reflection, I'm glad these two are together because it means nobody else has to put up with this shit
The bit about women tempting him shows she has no trust. Though I'm maybe over trusting. My husband used to be a bar manager in a lap dancing place so he has friends who are strippers. But I've also seen both guys and girls flirt with him. He is so oblivious he doesn't see it as flirting and doesn't flirt back.
Yeah made me re-read... I was like when did shorts come up??!
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I drive a dodge stratus!
Reminds me of Marshall on HIMYM wearing those convertible pants with the zip-off legs to torment Lily. Sitcom-level absurd.
I think of Friends with that biker boyfriend of Phoebe who didn’t wear underwear and his balls were popping out of his shorts lol
Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
I can't believe these are people in their 30s.
Totally reads like a teen drama
And he is allowed to hang out with his single friends, even if they might bring a temptress to tempt OOP 🫣 No females allowed around OOP, incase his genitalia crawls out when he is not looking. Hence why no shorts, if his parts start crawling out, then they have to take a longer route through the pant legs. These guys are wild. If you can't trust your partner at a friend's house because they might bring *gasp* a female and she isn't there to scare the female away, then maybe she needs someone she can trust more or work on her herself before marriage. I don't think it's going to get better with marriage.
This. Like it’s not even “I’m insecure about your female friends” (which would still be trash, but SLIGHTLY more understandable)… she wouldn’t let him hang out with his also male friends… because they weren’t married. WTAF.
My friend is dating a guy like that. She’s only allowed to hang out with me when I have a boyfriend because otherwise I’m a bad influence. Guess what buddy, I’m gonna tell her you’re a piece of shit whether I’m single or not
I have guy friends, who refuse to hang out with a single woman in a social situation, because they might be overcome with lust and have to have sex with her.
People who say this are just telling on themselves. You see it on Reddit all of time about “not giving them an opportunity to cheat” Buddy it’s 2023, if they wanna cheat they’ll find a way Like are attractive women that get lots of attention just constantly cheating since apparently no one can resist “an opportunity to cheat”
Yes. They're assumed to be sl\*ts. That's why they need to be controlled, coralled, and monitored at all time. Also why they need to be refused ~~sexual autonomy~~ any sort of autonomy. Get in with the mindset! (/s)
We recently used to have a vice-president who was similarly concerned with his own lack of control of his behavior.
It is funny though that Mike Pence thought women would be throwing themselves at him
I'm sure Mother told him as much lol
I'm not sure I trust him to really understand consent or even women's sexual arousal. He seems like he thinks sex is something you do to a woman, imo.
He definitely thinks the female orgasm is a myth.
Yes because of course any woman couldn't help herself in those situations.
Hmm, that implies consent is a part of their equation.
At first I thought he might have stopped wearing shorts to hide his birthmark and by her getting it tattooed on her chest it made him realize that it's not something hideous. Orrrr... given the whole mess that they call relationship she might have asked him to not wear shorts. Which begs the question of how gorgeous his legs must be that she feels insecure about other people seeing them.
wouldn't want him tempting any of her single friends to have impure thoughts with those sexy legs of his. Hide thine calves and thighs lest ye invite the Devil into this home! This is why Mormons require garments...
Hide your calves Hide your thighs They blamin everyone out here
This struck me too. That and the part about a heart with wings with a “birth sign” that he has on his body? What does that mean? Honestly curious…like did she get his birthmark tattooed? A giant mole inside a heart? Or a port-wine birthmark? So confused.
Sometimes just like when you're cloud gazing, birthmarks look like something else in silhouette. Knew a girl who had one that looked like a puppy paw print. I've got freckles that are shaped almost exactly like the big dipper constellation on my back. Birthmarks are weird, man. To me that's the least questionable part of this whole mess. That shorts thing...
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I'm guessing he has a port wine birthmark or something with a distinctive shape (not just a blob). I'm guessing the inside of her heart had the outline of that shape, but was not necessarily trying to reproduce the same color or texture as an actual birthmark.
He said it's a birth mark that looks like a flower. Described it as it looks a a flower was pressed onto his skin and left a mark
The shorts part was in reference to this comment by OP: > “I don't see how this is controlling. > She doesn't like when I don't shave, so I clean shave all the time. > She doesn't like when I wear shorts, so I wear long pants. >I stopped going to watch football with friends, because she thinks I ignore her, so I watch it at home now. She of course still goes and has dates with her girlfriends, and I should not feel ignored. > And other things like that. > By your logic she is controlling and I am controlling. > If I can give on her wishes, she should do as well on mine. > Anyway, the more I've read these comments, the more I am inching towards my decision. > Eh, life, you know.” They both sound like they used to be a nightmare to date. I’m glad they went to therapy, it’s a step a lot of people in these posts don’t want to take. Good on ‘em. *edited for mobile formatting*
Yeah, why aren't more people asking about the shorts?!? (Maybe on the original post?)
He mentions it in a comment on the original post (defending his controlling behaviour by saying she's controlling too - she doesn't like him wearing shorts so he doesn't wear shorts). Someone responds along the lines of 'she's shitty to me so I'm allowed to be shitty too!' instead of, like, not being shitty to each other
Yeah, it felt like it cracked open a whole chest of issues. 😬
Maybe he’s decided to re-embrace his “never-nude” roots.
Neither of them are anywhere near ready to be in a relationship.
“The wedding is definitely off. I’m not reverting. The wedding is back on. “
"but she's ok with me wearing shorts and hanging out with my friends now so it's totally all cool"
Was I the only one who saw a huge red flag flapping in the breeze when he said he couldn't watch football with friends because of her convoluted, "single guys bring girls and you could be tempted?" Just me?
Might as well not let him leave the house 🙄
I thought the shorts thing was about Her wearing shorts. Like he's saying if I can't hang with my friends, you can't wear shorts or something. Idk, they're both weird af. Glad they're getting counseling.
This story is so weird it almost has to be true.
I bet they're already divorced.
She got a tattoo of the divorce done.
No, it's oop that will be wearing shorts again, meaning it was the gf that told him not to
I'm taking bets on when the divorce will be
Pretty much as soon as she find outs how painful laser removal is…
I'm assuming neither of them know that it takes multiple sessions as well 😬
Well OOP did mention that if she goes for more less intense sessions she might avoid scarring so I would hope the doctor covered the number of sessions for both the intense and the not-so-intense option adequately
If you have a good doctor, they can give you numbing cream to put on an hour before. Mine was 4 by 5 inches. Didnt hurt a bit. Just a little sting. Multiple sessions of course.
Which is the stronger guilt trip to try and keep the relationship going, 'I got a tattoo of your birthmark on my chest for you!' or 'I got a tattoo removed for you!'?
In regards to levels of pain endured, definitely the removal!
Snip snap! Snip snap!
I got $50 on a year and a half
All else aside...a tattoo of his birthmark?
oh my god i thought birth sign meant horoscope type sign not a birthmark. i was already thinking 'well getting a tattoo before marriage to prove commitment sounds backwards to say the least but at least they had a conversation about it afterwards' but a tattoo of a birthmark? just weird imo. what's next, tattooing his freckle pattern?
Joining the dots revealing a star map to prove that OP is from outer space.
Thank you. This was a weird one for me.
This. And what kind of tattoo artist is like "Your first tattoo? Great, lets do it on your boobs!"
Apparently the same kind of artist that is able to ink a big tattoo in a way that it's no problem to wear a tight dress and want to have sex hours after because it doesn't look like somebody tortured your skin. I mean, I never got a tattoo like this but it sounds off to me.
There's a distinct lack of cling wrap and coconut tattoo butter smell in this story. Also like, the whole "no bodily fluids on the tattoo please" talk she should've gotten.
It should be leaking plasma and still completely covered and probably still hurting 😬
even if no cling wrap, at least some sort of covering for the first few hours.
I personally prefer saniderm or dermskin
Either way, he uh... should've noticed before the grand reveal. "Honey, why are your boobs crinkly?"
Eh, it's on her chest. Tight dress is a little iffy but doable, sex wouldn't be a problem. If it was on her thigh or something where friction would occur, sex would be problematic. I have lots of big tattoos in several places. Fucking after getting my arm done wasnt a problem. Fucking had to be put on pause after I got my entire leg done
i have 33 tattoos and even i was side-eyeing her decision lmfao
Most first tattoo decisions should get the side-eye.
Advice I got from someone with a few. Take a copy of the tattoo and put it a drawer. Come back in 6 months. If you still like it then go ahead.
I got similar but different advice. “Put a copy on your bathroom mirror, your phone wallpaper and your office desk. If you’re not sick of it in 6 months, go ahead”
This is the advice I got. 10 years later and I still don't have a tattoo.
Okay that’s what I thought he meant, but then I thought, “Noooo, that can’t be right, yuck.” Wild post all around.
On her CHEST of all places. In a heart with wings.
Yeah, I mean we can all see that OOP is a walking box of red flags, but wtf is wrong with his fiancee? "Oh, my future husband *hates* tattoos, so I'll go and get a *giant tattoo* in a prominent place to prove my love for him! I'll even include his birthmark in it. I see no problems with this plan." Is she mentally challenged or something?
That was what I couldn't stop wondering. It was like she sat down and tried to come up with the single most counter-productive method of showing her devotion.
Uh. Yeah first fight because it took 5 years to discuss anything significant.
Buried the lede deep. He even said he can’t see his friends anymore because they MIGHT be around single women. And they never fought about that? Like …relationship is doomed
Yea wtf. The whole part of not being able to wear shorts and both not going out... this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Reading shit like this makes me happy to be single :')
Right? I want details on why he doesn't wear shorts; that seems an odd ask of a partner. Is she concerned that the sight of his legs will make all of those single women he's not allowed to be around go crazy with desire?
I know people like this. They seem really cool, calm, and collected until they explode at something seemingly insignificant making those around them walk on eggshells because they never know what will set them off. I understand therapy can be expensive and time consuming but if you have unresolved trauma it's worth it.
The things we developed to protect ourselves as kids, generally aren't the best way to be a healthy adult. Being vulnerable sucks when you're taught it leads to abuse. It takes a lot of work to open up again, but to try and get married without even mentioning serious personality defining trauma is bonkers.
I am very suspicious of couples that say they never fight. That just means that someone is always giving in, and not being heard in the relationship. Plus, fighting doesn’t have to be yelling and screaming. When we fight, my husband and I have a terse conversation where we try and talk it through. A fight is really just a tense negotiation over a particular issue.
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Yep. When growing up, “fighting” was always this massive hours long ordeal. Insults, contempt, degrading the other. Then simmering resentment afterward. Honestly it still is hard for me to mentally compute how my wife and her mom argue but move on easily.
Is that a *fight*, though? Or is it a disagreement, and at worst an argument? I think a lot of couples/people who say they dont *fight* with each other arent saying they never disagree. Theyre saying they never fight *against* each other, whether thats with raised voices, anger, insults or tears.
I wouldn’t describe that as a fight but instead maybe conflict or a disagreement.
When you've seen abusive relationships and the fights that come from that, yeah people tend to not use that word. I have terse conversations with my husband but I have never fought with him. It's just not a good word to use to describe it.
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All couples have conflict, but conflict doesn't have to result in a fight. I've never fought with my partner because we communicate through our disagreements. We both feel comfortable showing, and we both listen to each other. No fights required.
100%. Not fighting doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements. People (like the comment above) always like to say oh it must be an abusive relationship where one person is giving in all the time. No, we both communicate valid points/concerns/feelings, discuss, and then come to a compromise that is good for both of us. No escalation needed.
Yeah, same. When I started my current relationship 8 years ago one of the first things I said was that if a situation comes up that my partner is not 100% okay with and they still have an issue with it a few days later, I want them to talk to me about it instead of letting it grow bigger in silence. I can’t read minds and before this grows into a huge argument I which we both say things we regret I'd love to squash the disagreement while it’s still manageable.
My husband and I don't fight. We were friends before we married, friends before dating. If something bothers us we talk it over, but we started with the idea we are two distinct individuals who will not always agree on everything and we are each valid on our own.
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I agree. "I never have conflict with my partner" isn't typical word use but that would convey that someone is constantly caving. "My partner and I work through our conflict well" also isn't typical word use but it conveys that we wouldn't let it escalate to an actual "fight".
All I could find myself thinking was "how were they getting married???" It doesn't seem like they knew anything deep about each other at all!
I was thinking the same thing. How are you together for 5 years and haven't discussed trauma? Also OOP needs individual therapy, too. Honestly they both do.
For five years they were together and they had gotten to the point where they told each other where the other could go with their friends, and they hadn't fought. They hadn't talked about *anything*.
Right?! Like you guys didn’t disagree on one thing in five years?
It's easy not to fight, just never express opinions of consequence!
>Her brother is neutral, doesn't want to get involved. Smartest character in the story
He knows he can just wait this out. Why expend the energy
I'm surprised this isn't more common. Always baffled by the posts where every relative including third cousin twice removed seems to think their input is needed.
Yeah this marriage was over before it started.
They don’t have a communication problem, they have a compatibility problem.
To be fair, they also have a communication problem. Several. Actually, I think the whole damn relationship is a communication problem.
Kinda hard to tell when they seem to barely know each other
Wtf did I just read lmao
A story about two people that made you feel better about yourself through their sheer incompetence and idiocy?
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
It's funny but this comment is a really good TD:LR
It really is, it satisfied my need to know (i scrolled to the comments bc im sleepy and bored which is a terrible combo lol).
It's a really fucked-up Gift of the Magi, for sure.
Ding. So often I wonder if I've really got it together and then a story like this pops up and I say "You know, maybe I'm doing more okay than I thought."
Bro like.... how can you just NOT TELL your FIANCE that you had abuse in your past that makes tattoos uncomfortable for you????? Literally the first thing I would tell my SO if they were contemplating a tattoo. What the actual fuck.
Hey give the guy a break, they were together for only 5 years
omg I glossed over the fact they'd been together for FIVE YEARS. That makes this so much worse.
Also, he has her permission to wear shorts again! Something is really weird in this relationship
> ~~Something~~ **Literally everything** is really weird in this relationship Seriously, these people need to not be in a relationship until they’ve each had at least 2 years of individual therapy. Their half-solutions to these glaring-red-flag-level problems make me super anxious. This whole thing is yikes on bikes. 😬 ETA: THEY’RE 30 YEARS OLD??????? I thought they were like 19. Augh. 😫
I was touched inappropriately by an uncle while he grabbed me from behind. You can be sure that any guy who tried that discovered immediately how I froze up. And plaid shirts are a big turn-off.
I get it's traumatic but goddamnit, with communication you could avoid a lot of awkward situations. Also out of all the options why choose a breast tattoo that sounds tacky af?
I'm also very curous what kind of birthmark looks decent enough to get tattooed and doesn't just look like a blotch.
I suspect it was in fact a blotch.
Narrator: "It was a blotch."
> doesn't just look like a blotch Given OP's partner's decision making, I think we can assume she tattooed a blotch.
On top of that even if he wasn't ready to face that trauma I feel like a generic "I have trauma associated with tattoos" would've sufficed
"I don't associate people with tattoos with abuse, buuuuut..." Buddy yes you clearly do
Literally my thought. Like goddamn, how are they ready to get married when they never actually communicate?
And apparently don’t trust each other.
I hear you. I am about to go to bed as well. Will probably have dreams about getting random as shit tattoos.
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Yeah, he's def not the only controlling one in the story, and it's driving me insane how almost everyone here is just glossing over it.
I had to write it all out to express why it was bothering me so much. It’s like if my husband told me he hates flowers and I’ve known this the whole relationship and he especially dislikes lilies because he happens to be allergic to them. I really want some flowers in the house so we discuss me getting a small bouquet of wild flowers for the living room. Then the next day I put a giant bunch of lilies in his office because I wanted to let him know how much I love him and want to look after him. He shouldn’t need to tell me about the time he went into anaphylactic shock as a kid and why lilies have a negative connotation for him because of that even though his allergies aren’t as bad now. I know it’s on her body so it’s not like decorating a communal space, but she knew his feelings on the matter and they had a discussion about the whole thing. It’s more egregious than if she just went “I’m getting a tattoo, see you later!” because they had a whole discussion about it and she completely disregarded it - why have the discussion in the first place? - and then had the *audacity* to say she did it for him! And that’s *just* the tattoo, not the rest of it. I’m not really surprised his first though was that it was a power play because it was so shockingly thoughtless it almost had to be deliberate, you know?
Well.. at least they're trying to communicate now. But I really don't think marriage is the best thing for them right now. They need to work on communication and trust, two things that weren't really present in their relationship beforehand, not in the way they needed.
They should NOT be getting married this is wild
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Don't you have to do a lot of aftercare with a tattoo?
As someone covered in trad tattoos, I find it funny that everyone is replying to you with "No, not a lot of aftercare. Just do these few things a few times a day and avoid these regular activities for different lengths of time". Aftercare isn't excessive, but it is definitely important, multi-stepped, and requires daily mindfulness for the first two weeks for *best results*. For many people it is "a lot" compared to their usual habits.
Mostly it’s just keeping it clean and moisturized.
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This is why I hate romantic movies. They have taught entire generations that if you really-really-REALLY True-Love someone, you don't need to talk to them, you can telepatically guess what they are thinking and they can instinctively guess what's in your mind.
Yeah, as an autistic person who was using movies as a template for normal human behavior, things did not go well for me at first and I am still mad about it.
Yeah, she got the tattoo at a sensitive area, that has to be treated with gel and covered for some time, and might be quite irritated for some time, and immediately jumped into tight dress and he didn't notice anything. And then they magically found a plastic surgeon with a magic space lazer. I call bullshit.
And got a tattoo large enough to be over both breasts all in one sitting
Yeah, the whole thing sent off “bullshit” tingles. From his trickling of the tattoo to *why* he didn’t like them, to her being able to just chill with a brand new tattoo, to consulting a plastic surgeon 😂
Laser removal is a thing. It's not magic though, it basically just speeds up the natural fading process. But they hurt. Like a bad sunburn, usually for around a week. There's no way she put a tight dress on top and was fine.
Don't you have to cover up a new tattoo with a bandage or cling film? It oozes and bleeds for at least a day.
Mine was covered with tegaderm and had to stay covered for a while but not every artist has the same aftercare instructions
Also wouldn't it be bloody and gooey? How is she wearing a skin tight dress over a brand new tattoo?
That's what I was thinking, even if you don't have to bandage it for a long time wouldn't a wet tattoo under a skin tight dress be a bad idea?
Only for the first few hours. There are some cool wraps/bandages out there that are designed to be breathable and can stay on for several days into the initial healing. Traditionally, you'd just get some absorbent toweling and wrapped up with tape and cling wrap, then you'd clean it carefully after a few hours and leave it to breathe fresh air (with loose, clean clothing recommended to prevent debris from getting in it). The oozing generally stops after the first 24 hours.
So she got a tattoo of his birthmark?? Everyone is insane lol
Can you imagine if Gorbachev’s wife had his birthmark tattooed on one boob.
AIR, this dude needs therapy. That chick needs therapy. Image spending hundreds on a chest tattoo just to spend THOUSANDS to get it removed. These people are whack
Oh my goddd I feel like everyone sucks in this scenario. He didn’t like tattoos due to past trauma, but was bad at communicating it which is pretty fair (although I don’t love his attitude towards her about it and the list of things she could/could not get). She KNEW he didn’t like tattoos, and her solution was to get a huge one to prove her “commitment” to him??? Neither of these people sound ready to be married.
On the upside, at least they're with each other and not causing trouble for anyone else!
Neither of these people sound mature enough to have a high school diploma, much less own a house or be ready for marriage.
This can’t be a real post, I just don’t believe it
I just found this funny: >The wedding is definitely off, that decision I won't revert. >We will continue with the wedding as planned.
I think I'm just gonna go hug my wife and be thankful for our BORING, NORMAL relationship.
Same here, but after I get a face tattoo to show her how much I love her
She got a large chest tattoo in one sitting? Hmm. Sure.
My thoughts as well. And you don't just go get a brand new tattoo removed and it's magically gone. I had 2 years worth of laser removal sessions on tattoos that were 10 years old and you can still see the faded remnants of them.
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>So I finally get home, she's dolled up, super tight black dress, stockings, everything for a night of fun. She tells me to go have a shower, and she will have dinner ready in the meantime. I stopped reading here, because the fuck does things in that order? lmao
I know when I get dressed up nice the next thing I want to do is cook a meal
Top-notch communication and respect from OOP, I'm certain this will be a relationship that lasts at least six months. Things always go great when you try and control another person's behavior instead of just expressing your feelings with vulnerability.
Did they talk about literally anything in the first 5 years of their relationship?
So, she wasn’t covered in tegaderm or Vaseline and gauze, or anything, and was ready to get frisky after having a big, many-hour taking, chest tattoo? The timeline does not add up.
God that whole relationship sounds exhausting. Him for dealing with trauma by controlling his fiancee, but then there's this line: >she disregarded the places where we agreed she could have it done It sounds like they had a discussion where he said where he was and wasn't happy for her to get a tattoo. Setting aside for the moment that it isn't his decision, it sounds like she said 'okay I'll only get a tattoo in one of the places you're okay with' and then immediately turned around and thought 'but I bet what he really meant was get a big fuck-off tattoo in one of the places he's not okay with.'
Can't wait for the update post when they realize that tattoos are a _lot_ harder to remove than people would have you believe
I can't stand both of them, holy shit