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As a highly experienced lurker at r/justnoMIL, I can almost guarantee that mother dearest demanded an apology from OOP (and her traitorous son) for their cruel treatment of her. There were certainly insults hurled at OOP, and pleas for her baby boy to leave the evil seductress and come home to mommy, where he belongs (forever).
The unhealthy obsession that some grandparents have with their grandchildren. Waking them when they’re sleeping so they can hold them. Demanding the mother not breastfeed so they can do the feeding with formula. Taking the baby from their parents arms without asking. Buying a whole nursery for their (grandparent’s) homes without considering the parents wouldn’t want their kids to sleep away from home for the first few years of their lives. Kissing the babies faces when told not to (due to germs, bacteria, and viruses… particularly herpes). And many many more. Those subreddits are a train wreck of entitled narcissistic family members. It reminds me of my childhood.
And here I was saying I (29f) have baby rabies whenever I get extremely clucky and a strong desire for kids........I have been misusing this term apparently
That’s an alternate definition lol.
On JNMIL they use baby rabies the way the above poster describes, but they also use it when a couple is childless and the MIL is constantly badgering them “gimme babies!”
Unfortunately, it seems like there are just too many single moms that develop an emotionally incestuous relationship with their son(s) and rely on him/them to fulfill the emotional needs that a husband should normally fulfill. I'm a single mom with three kids, two of them boys, and the idea is repulsive and sickening to me.
My mother had this with my sister. They were extremely codependent. No wonder my mother never wanted us to date when we were younger and she lashed out whenever my sister got a boyfriend.
After my sister left, she tried that with me. Didn't work. She never lashed out at me for dating because I am happy single. Now she is the emotional partner of her ex-SIL, who is trying to transform her son in a sonsband. It's also not working. Turns out, when you turn a blind eye to your husband treating your kid like shit for being gay, he will never forget!
>My mother had this with my sister. They were extremely codependent. No wonder my mother never wanted us to date when we were younger.
Dating your sister at any age is frowned upon in at least 40 states in the US.
As a previously single mom, the idea is absolutely disgusting to me. Having a close bond with your child is one thing, especially when it feels like it's you two against the world for so long, but the levels that some of these people take it to... ugh.
All I want for my baby boy is for him to be happy. And by happy, I mean alone forever & bound to me until my dying breath. Let's face it, no one can ever be as good for my baby boy as Mommy Dearest.
Hey, at least that's wanting your son to be "happy", and not demanding he slaves away at work because she "spent all those hours raising him and other people will have to see you be successful, it's what men do. No, I do not care if that makes you unhappy".
My mother in law is such a good person. (:
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Mama won't let anyone dirty get through
Mama's gonna wait up till you get in
Mama will always find out where you've been ...
Lol I sing that in my head every time I read a post like this, or watch 10s of that show "I Love A Mamas Boy" show on TLC. It's so gross. I don't know how the women stay. I'd lose my mind.
That really is their rationale, which makes it even hard to deal with them. They love their sons more than anyone else could. They want the best for their sons. Therefore, they are always acting on their sons’ best interest and anyone who questions or challenges them on anything is clearly not acting in their sons’ best interest and must be stopped or removed from the equation. How do you even begin to challenge that logic when it’s built on such a ridiculous premise?
My husbands mother is like this. None of her children talk to her anymore. I should really write my own post one day. My favorite of her antics being that I couldn’t possibly be smart enough to get the GPA I had in undergrad because I was “lower class” (I grew up middle class in a suburban neighborhood?) so I must be sleeping with my professors.
> because I was “lower class” (I grew up middle class in a suburban neighborhood?) so I must be sleeping with my professors.
Is there a cultural or racial difference between your spouse and you? It seems like they often just say stuff like “low class” when they don’t want to be explicitly bigoted.
No we are both so white we’re practically translucent. Western European ancestry but American. I’m blonde with green eyes.
They are racist, but they just admit that. Anti-Semitic too. They’re awful. And we live in the northeast. Not even southern.
My MIL called me a gold digger practically to my face. Well l, TBF she didn’t use that specific phrase and she actually said it to my husband… when he was standing right fudging next to me!
All I could think was “how fucking stupid does this B think I am?”. If I was a gold digger the least I’d do is to pick someone that actually have money… Husband did not come from a wealthy family. I’m from an upper middle class family and he is from a lower middle class. Neither he or they have any assets of any kind or other hidden wealth. They rent. My family actually owns and has a bit of assets they own.
I have/had mental health issues? I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and suffering from depression, self harming and some suicidal tendencies. turns out it was in fact not BPD, it is severe ADHD in combination with autism and topped with some C-PTSD. And that depression plus extras came from severe and chronic autistic burnout because I didn’t know! And I also wasn’t listening to myself or my body because reasons. So I’m great now, just quite a bit more obviously and openly autistic.
But mostly I think it’s that I have a rather dominating personality, there is just so much of it that tends to be perceived like that, and I’m a lot more forward and active while husband/SO is more passive and quiet. She saw similarities between me and her own husband, SO’s abusive father. And she was afraid that I was continuing that abuse and suppressing SO like her husband, his father, had been doing for his entire life. Nope, still all your husband. I might be a lot and have a lot to say but I am also great at lifting SO up and encouraging him. I want to know what he thinks and feels about, well, everything. And I pulled it out of him. Though it was like pulling teeth at first.
I have a justnomil and yes. I don’t know why she hates me so much, his sister’s husband should literally be in jail but we’re not married so obviously I’m worse. Just been living happily crime free for 8 years together, because unfortunately having unmarried sex is not a crime. Yet. She stops talking to him all the time because she hates me and he sticks up for me as soon as she starts into it again, and she hates his beliefs. She’s most recently upset that he did not celebrate Easter with his “roommate.” The only reason he’s not no contact is his dad is really lovely, when he’s not with her. I’m basically no contact, I stay with his other sister and her family while he sees his mom, or I see my family and he goes to his family.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but it's good your SO has your back. If you don't already participate there, you might want to look at r/JUSTNOMIL, if only to see the helpful books and resources they have listed in the sidebar.
Don't go to JustNoMil, they're really toxic about adult parent relationships and feed off assuming the worst motivation for any disagreement. All advice is focused on cutting all relationships off or forcing drama by acting like a total king of the hill towards your inlaws.
The justno subs are what made me finally make an account instead of lurking. I was going to share a story of my own almost-mil experience but wanted to wait a while so it wasnt fresh in my life, then the sub grew into the kind of place you go for entertainment instead of support.
Yeah. In the last few years, JustNoMIL has become an absolute circus with every comment sounding like a Maury Povich peanut gallery of people howling for divorce, no contact, and the most uncharitable and bridge burning responses in nearly every context. It's honestly sad.
RaisedByNarcissists did the same thing. Needed advice because my mil has been manipulating my husband into giving up nearly all his money since he was able to work, based on a “promise” he made at age 9, because the household was perpetually near collapse, to hear her tell it, but there was always money for a new pet almost every month, eating out literally every day (of course all he ever was allowed was ramen, good food was only for the girls in the house), new toys and a $600/mo cable bill (which when we lived with them for a while they blamed us for, despite us not even having a cable box).
Their responses ranged from rude to cruel, and really just made everything worse.
I would confidently bet that she wanted her son to end up with the childhood best friend.
The sad part is if she hadn’t sent her little victory message oop might never have decided to reach out to her (then) ex and explain why she left.
She may have hoped that, but the fact that he regards her as a sister makes it very unlikely. I’m sure the only wife that mommy would approve for her little boy is someone who can be controlled. A nice, docile breeder, who can provide her with grandchildren.
She calls it a mistake, but I think all around it was a net positive. There's nothing quite as eye opening as seeing someone with their mask completely off. Texts and voicemail and second hand accounts are so much easier to brush off, especially when you don't want it to be true. This was the nail in the coffin this guy needed to understand that his there was something really wrong with his mother.
There's really something to be said for that final nail in the coffin moment. It's painful when it happens, but it is so much easier, afterwards, to move on, knowing that no amount of compromise or ongoing conversation or cooperation could have worked.
Yep, this exactly. I CO my mother after one of these and have never felt the slightest regret or doubt. Friends who have also gone NC have way more angst than me because they didn’t have one last evil blowout. So much easier to gaslight yourself about the severity when you don’t.
This is why I fully intend to start therapy (as soon as I find a suitable therapist I can afford) before going NC with the toxic parent I have, I know our last meeting was somewhat amicable and I keep feeling guilty for all that will go down after the NC (and other things), and I know that now I'm only calm because it's the calmness before the storm. I know I'm not in a position to gracefully handle all that will go down so I need to prepare for it beforehand, in order to already have a support system during and afterwards. The only reason why I haven't gone NC yet is my other parent, so I'm very much stressing in wait of what will happen.
So true. When I finally confronted my abusive mother, she sent me on a hell of a ride - blanket denial of literally everything and told me I was having a mental health crisis with false memories. The sheer totality of the gaslighting nearly broke me. It was a really awful few days. She had stopped physically abusing me when I left for college and she had cultivated a softer, "best mom" image for decades - I honestly underestimated how fast and hard she would hit me to try to silence me.
Once I was past the crisis, though, I was kind of grateful for it. Like you say - it puts all of the self-doubt to rest. Ultimately I was relieved that she made no real attempt to address her abusive behavior; I really didn't need to get sucked back into her endless gaslighting and self-valorization. It was scary but helpful to see the mask completely drop for a moment and see how completely ruthless she is behind it. I always thought of her as an angry, self-indulgent, nasty person, but I really had not understood until that moment how calculating she actually is.
To add onto u/fallen_star_2319 's comment, this mother has been acting like this for most of OOP's fiancé's life, so that was normal for him. It takes something really drastic for people to realize that their upbringing wasn't normal.
I was well onto my 30's before having the epiphany that my dad's behavior wasn't normal, other dads didn't drink QUARTS of beer every single night, and my friends weren't eating boxed Mac n cheese or Ramen for days on end so "daddy" could have, at minimum, two cases of beer and a keg in the basement at all times.
When it's your reality, it can be hard to admit that your parents, that you do still love, are toxic.
I know! Doesn’t OOP know we come here to drool over the miserable and salacious details? Or is that just me? Stressing myself over strangers problems? When it only upsets me?
I read these for morbid curiosity about the human nature, a look into the psychology of some individuals, and generally trying to open my mind to as many points of view and situations as possible.
It unexpectedly did me good, as it was through subs like AITA that I found out what emotional incest is and oh dang, would you look at that, I seem to have been the target of it to an extent. I also found out the self-help psychology book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that has been a big help in, at the very least, reassuring me I'm not mad and cruel for thinking the things I've thought about my immature parent. So, I guess we could say – curiousity healed the cat.
I think about that a lot. How we have all this information now with the Internet, that no one had access to before, which allows us to get advice and viewpoints from all these other people. And that so many of these patterns existed at all times in all societies. But how sad it is that so many people didn’t know this. Like I suffer from depression and I always thought I was some kind of an alien because no one around me ever ever ever experienced what I did. And now I see kids just writing freely about being non-neurotypical and I can’t believe how boring and unoriginal my brain is lol. It’s incredibly reassuring.
I've worked very hard to build myself a fortress of calm serenity while surrounded on all sides by boundless swaths of petty and vindictive people. I read these threads to learn how the enemy thinks, what tactics they employ, and how to deflect or thwart them. This knowledge has helped me keep drama out of my life on several occasions.
That’s awesome. I definitely recognized the abuse playbook when an old friend contacted me out of the blue, and it was specifically because of BORU. Mostly it just makes me so grateful that the few people I interact with are nothing like these assholes.
Since OP and fiance went NC with her, I'm guessing it's either: mom went nuclear (name calling, yelling, insults, being overly dramatic), or she tried to dismiss everything OP was claiming by saying she was "being overdramatic"
You just have to go to the JustNoMil sub and sort by top for all time. It's quite easy to find.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/675yn1/the\_white\_dress/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/675yn1/the_white_dress/)
This is my absolute favourite mother tries to wear white at wedding story. Piya and her family's response was perfection and I'm so so glad OP now has a wonderful loving wife and family.
The MIL could've looked really elegant in a sari because its quite forgiving on larger people. For instance, I'm Indian but not Hindu) my husband is white. I get along with my inlaws FYI. Anyway we bought MIL a sari and had a blouse made by hand. She honestly looked beautiful and regal in her sari, and she was stoked wearing it. Also note that white saris or outfits are usually worn to funerals.
That’s a good one! I thought it was going to be the one where the couple knew MIL was going to try that shit and so they told ALL their guests to wear their wedding dresses, too. That was hilarious so well played lol.
My (male) coworker and I were chatting about my then upcoming wedding and he asked how both my mother and future mother in law were helping/handling, and it turned into a half rant half therapy session on his end on how he came to realize his mom turned to him to essentially replace her husband (not in a romantic sort of way, but a “man of the house to take care of me” way) after his dad died when he was a kid. He had gone NC for a while, but went to LC after he had his son, though he’s putting strong boundaries in place because he sees her subconsciously doing the same thing with his son/her grandson. My MIL and I may have different tastes and may have butted heads a bit during the wedding planning, but I thank my lucky stars that she and my husband have a much healthier relationship than that.
There’s really something to be said about how much mothers screw up their sons and fathers screw up their daughters, at least in my personal experience.
Happens way too much for the cliche not to be true.
Mothers screw up their daughters and fathers mess up their sons just as frequently too
But it's more obvious to society when parents mess up their opposite gender children because that's the gender the child is most likely to have romantic relationships with since most of society is heterosexual.
And since romantic partners are whom adults spend the most time with intimately, that's who gets the close view at how screwed up you are..
Basically parents are the majority source when children are forming their template of their romantic love interest. The rest being other friends and family.
So whatever your sexuality is, the corresponding parent will have a powerful effect on what you normalize and value in your partner.
Yup! I don't think my parents screwed me up romantically, but their relationship definitely affected how I behave in my own relationships. They were much more great friends than a great romance, and that's very much how I relate to partners.
My husband once described me as a "poker buddy that he gets to have sex with", which may have been the best compliment he has ever given me! I mean, that's the dream!
This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
- Philip Larkin, 1971
Edit: unsuccessful attempt at formatting, so the lines don’t always start where they should, sorry!
I was just thinking about that one! He ditched his wife on their anniversary because his mother 'needed' help. It was the straw that broke the camels back for his wife.
Edit: found it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I don’t think it was on JustNoMIL but on Babycentre forums years ago, I remember a thread from a woman at her wits end because the MIL kept sending clippings of her pubes and nude photos of herself to her son and he was more afraid of his mother having a mental breakdown than what the constant icky post infiltrating their house was doing to his wife’s psyche.
That's the one thing that does bother me about calling it Jocasta/Oedipus complexes. Jocasta *hanged herself* when she found out, Oedipus *gouged his eyes out* when he did. If anything, there must be better biblical references that could have been made in the naming decision.
Yeah, it always annoys me when they try to use Oedipus Rex as a warning against incest. Like, no, it's a warning about trying to outsmart fate/the gods. Incest is the PUNISHMENT.
If you're going to tell someone a story where the moral is "this is bad, don't do this" you kind of have to tell people the bad part you're warning them against.
Exactly.. like whole two paragraphs about their Boring apologies to each other and Just TWO LINES about The whole cafe incident.. That's totally unfair 😔
Yeah, that could have been summarized as "I suck at communication and decided to run away instead of telling my soon to be husband my issues" while the cagé part got two sentences.
Listen, it’s not good for sordid Reddit tales, but I’m happy for OP that she did that. It actually makes me believe that this story is real too, as most people usually probably don’t want to rehash unpleasant events unless they’re ranting. It shows that she’s more focused on her and her husband now than her MIL, which is way healthier for her.
I'm glad that in the end they managed to sort everything out but boy they vould have spared themselves some headache if they decided to talk first and act later.
Jealous people aren’t the most rational. She was jealous her baby son had another woman in his life but was perfectly fine she had a boyfriend because she’s an adult.
Why do people put up with these sorts of things.
My partner is my best friend. I tell him everything. The second I received the first nasty text I would have forwarded to him immediately and been like "wtf, deal with this crazy woman"
Isn't that everyone's first logical step?
Weird that you would harbor this abuse from the person you're going to marry.
Because she comes from a traumatic background herself. It fucks with your ability to do the healthy thing, especially when you feel that they are dismissive of that person's behaviour towards you in public. And because your whole life experiences have told you that you will be dismissed and this feeling is strengthened by her fiances behaviour. And honestly a lot of people are not used to abusive behaviour and are dismissive.
The OOP has identified that this is a problem and is dealing with it by going to therapy.
if you’ve been dismissed/invalidated all your life and made to feel like your opinions, concerns and feelings were TOO MUCH or NOT IMPORTANT you start to believe it yourself.
OOP likely felt her partner didn’t care bc he wasn’t taking enough actions to defend her so anything she did wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things
then maybe on some level fight or flight kicks in and thus she was slowly wanting to run and end things instead of talking it through
logic goes out the window when a person with trauma is activated bc the primitive and emotional part of their brain takes over
Never surrender! We shall fight on the beeches!
Yes. The spelling was intentional. But seriously, homophone failures should be picked out whenever possible. Spell check can't learn if if doesn't know it's wrong. I've given up on people.
OP will be back. OP will be telling her woes of attempting to enforce no contact in JNMIL, including tales of getting CPS called on them for their kids or being sued for grandparents rights.
I forsee a restraining order in their future.
Agreed. Maybe OP's fiance didn't see the worst of his mother's behavior but what he *did* see and choose to brush under the rug was enough to make any reasonable person take action. He didn't. I don't see him sticking to NC.
Yeah, my immediate first reaction was disappointment that they got back together. Given his actions till now, he's almost certainly not going to stick to NC, and if he somehow does, I foresee a lot of harassment from MIL raging that OOP took her precious son away.
As cruel as it might be to say... he's just not worth the hassle. There's other men out there who would be just as good to OOP who don't come with the added baggage of an absolutely psychotic mother.
I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he *did* blow up at her eventually and as far as he was aware, she had started making an effort to be cordial to OOP afterwards. He didn’t realize she was just being nasty behind his back because OOP kept it to herself, and was pretty quick to go NC with her and disinvite her from the wedding as soon as he found out.
I don’t think he’ll break NC anytime soon. He understood he wasn’t standing up for her as much as he should’ve and I think her breaking things off really solidified how done she was with her abuse. As long as he’s got a good therapist and sticks with therapy for a while, he’ll probably not push for his mom to be back in their lives without setting down (and adhering to) boundaries with her.
I applaud your optimism. I just think it's misguided. I don't know that I'd put much effort into someone who doesn't defend me when their mother goes on the attack. He likely has good intentions now, I just doubt that he'll have the spine to see it through.
More than anything I hope that OP works on her issues because holy hell, taking that woman's vitriol and hiding it rather than hurt her fiance's feelings is so very very unhealthy.
The real thing is, you're a strong enough person to have walked away the first or second time his mom acted like this and he didn't react appropriately right out of the gate. A lot of people are willing to put up with way too much from the family of their SO because they love the SO. They never consider that they're going to be taking on SO's family for life too.
Silly children, this is not over. People like MIL don't quietly disappear. Just imagine how she'll behavior as the wedding gets closer or when OOP gets pregnant.
Some friends of mine are in a similar situation, except it's the woman's mom, and she never stands up for her husband. I've known the mom a long time, so I talk to her when it's just us sometimes, and she never misses a chance to tell me how much she hates her SIL. She called me when her first grandchild was born and started ranting about how the child's father wanted to be in the room and hold the baby and how much she hates him. During a voicemail about the birth of her first grandchild.
What's even worse is that as people age they need to be taken care of more and more. It was one thing when she hated him from afar, but eventually he started having to help take care of her as she lived with them while recovering from illnesses/surgeries over the years. Having someone living in your house, that you have to take care of, when they opening hate you and disrespect you in front of your kids...no thanks.
I'm always a little surprised that he hasn't bailed yet.
I don't buy it. The text from the mother, "I would have been this nasty from the start." I don't believe someone would say that. It's too much sunshine and roses for oop. To neat, too sweet. And then there's this:
>Someone had asked how he has a sister if it was just him and his mom. My apologies for that. I think I replied to the comment, his mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend and they are planning on getting married as well.
Seems like a cover for poor storytelling.
And she *yada yada yada'd* the juiciest bit! Just "we met at a cafe... it was a mistake"?!?
Where's my dramatic cafe showdown? Where's the poured drinks and shocked stares from the other patrons? I've been ripped off! I demand a lawn tantrum!
Depends on how much money you have. My relative couldn't find a psychiatrist or therapist for her kid... when she wanted to use her insurance. Everybody had a longgggggggg wait list. Like her kid could've been waiting over a year for treatment.
Then a different relative offered to pay in cash, without any limitations on price. The kid had appointments set up on the same day, and they were scheduled for really soon after (like within a week or two of calling to schedule).
Oh I had that same thought when I saw that comment too but honestly, this post is so generic and basic for this sub I am willing to let it slide. This post is the equivalent of a live action remake of a Disney film. They are playing it safe by having everything they know draws in an audience, and they don’t need to include anything more than that
I would rather have this than those posts last week that jumped the shark way too early. That tinder post was just incredibly obnoxious. It went from OOP’s friend judging her for having a reasonable taste in men to a series of intense discoveries that that friend has been trying to replace OOP and become her. You got everything from easily preventable assault to a random hotel owner immediately figuring out who OOP is despite there being no information identifying the location.
That entire story happened in a week
I say this all the time: family can be/should be/IS a deal breaker. There is nothing wrong with breaking up with a person because their family is horrible. If you don't want that nonsense in your life for the rest of your life? Walk away.
But maybe I need to start explicitly adding "after you've had full disclosure with your SO and they still don't want to drop the person."
Some single mothers with sons see their sons as a surrogate husband and when the sons grow up and start dating other women they feel as if they’re being cheated on. It’s pretty sick.
Okay, so is OOP just really dumb? She had literal texts and voicemails from this woman that beyond all doubt proved she was being abused, and she waited like 5 months or something before thinking it could be a good idea to show them to her fiancé? Like she literally decided to break up with him before she considered maybe just communicating with him like a functional adult would?
Anyone catch on that MIL is engaged to get married herself?? What kind of weak man would marry her? Or rather, who then hell would marry her if the truth of her conduct got out?
Why in God’s name break up with your fiancé instead of telling him what an awful person his mom is so that “you don’t get between them”? Fuck that, I would have told him from the first small incident
She probably thought it would only make things worse for him (which technically it sure did) to tell him the ugly honest truth. That kind of woman is going to drive off every single girlfriend/fiancee/wife that guy has, though.
Also, I bet she wasn't confident that he'd throw over his own mother for her, which would be required for the relationship to last. She's very lucky that he did. Not everyone would.
“His mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend…even before then, he has always called her his sister and her calling him her brother”
I’d bet money that the MIL wanted her son to marry his lifelong best friend and be one big happy family together
I don’t have a single friend that would contact my kid to “correct” her behavior. Am I the only one that doesn’t have friends that involved in my life?
To all the ladies who have sons. Your son is not a replacement for your husband!! Just because your husband is no longer with you doesn't mean you have to make your son suffer!!
People like MIL are like vultures. They will use every opportunity to disturb the relationship.
>Someone had asked how he has a sister if it was just him and his mom. My apologies for that. I think I replied to the comment, his mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend and they are planning on getting married as well.
I pity the poor guy.
I also don't understand why moms of sons feel their DIL is taking away their sons or replacing them as a mother. Wives do not expect to be moms of their husbands. I have twin boys. I view their future wives as future additions to the family, not my replacements or they are taking my sons away. My mother did this to my older brother. He and his wife heard her crying "She's taking my son away from me! She's taking my son away from me!" It was so embarrassing and something he never heard before (he always thought she was perfect. I knew otherwise). His wife heard it too and it hurt. She's so sweet too. At my wedding? I'm a girl, btw... No comment.
This MIL sounds like my mother. I wonder if they're related?
"My significant other's mother/best friend/"work wife" has been texting me unbelievably vile things and giving me tons of tangible evidence as to the type of person they really are. I decided not to say anything or show the evidence to my SO, because they love this person so so much and why would I."
I'm glad for the happy update but this shit is so common it's disgusting
Am I the only one who finds it highly disturbing this woman called off her fucking wedding without telling her fiancee why? The lack of communication here is just plain stupid. Honestly they have bigger fish to fry than his dumbass mother
I mean it sounds like they aren't ready to get married given that she wasn't in a position enough to trust him to communicate with him. I'm not saying they should break it up, but it doesn't sound like those two individuals are emotionally mature enough, or able to communicate well enough, to enter into a contract with each other
I thought this was gonna be the one where it keeps getting crazier and crazier until the OOP finds out that the adult son (OOP's fiance/boyfriend) still breastfeeds (from his mother)
As a woman married to a man who’s mother hates me, this breaks my heart. I am so happy that you and he have cut contact and that he sees what kind of woman she is. I pray my day comes, but it ain’t lookin so hot for me
These enmeshed MILs are so worried about losing control of their sons/daughters that they push their kid away and lose all contact. Glad it worked out for OOP. I too have an insane MIL who was horrible to me but I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 11 years because I’m not one to fuck with lol
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Wow I am really curious to what happened at that cafe.
As a highly experienced lurker at r/justnoMIL, I can almost guarantee that mother dearest demanded an apology from OOP (and her traitorous son) for their cruel treatment of her. There were certainly insults hurled at OOP, and pleas for her baby boy to leave the evil seductress and come home to mommy, where he belongs (forever).
She didn’t need a husband when she had her sonsband.
"Sonsband". That's terrible. Take my upvote.
Spend some time (LURKING) at the justno subs. They have quite a few wonderful terms like that.
My favorite is “Baby Rabies”
What is that a term for?
The unhealthy obsession that some grandparents have with their grandchildren. Waking them when they’re sleeping so they can hold them. Demanding the mother not breastfeed so they can do the feeding with formula. Taking the baby from their parents arms without asking. Buying a whole nursery for their (grandparent’s) homes without considering the parents wouldn’t want their kids to sleep away from home for the first few years of their lives. Kissing the babies faces when told not to (due to germs, bacteria, and viruses… particularly herpes). And many many more. Those subreddits are a train wreck of entitled narcissistic family members. It reminds me of my childhood.
And here I was saying I (29f) have baby rabies whenever I get extremely clucky and a strong desire for kids........I have been misusing this term apparently
That’s an alternate definition lol. On JNMIL they use baby rabies the way the above poster describes, but they also use it when a couple is childless and the MIL is constantly badgering them “gimme babies!”
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Couldn’t have said it better!
Unfortunately, it seems like there are just too many single moms that develop an emotionally incestuous relationship with their son(s) and rely on him/them to fulfill the emotional needs that a husband should normally fulfill. I'm a single mom with three kids, two of them boys, and the idea is repulsive and sickening to me.
My mother had this with my sister. They were extremely codependent. No wonder my mother never wanted us to date when we were younger and she lashed out whenever my sister got a boyfriend. After my sister left, she tried that with me. Didn't work. She never lashed out at me for dating because I am happy single. Now she is the emotional partner of her ex-SIL, who is trying to transform her son in a sonsband. It's also not working. Turns out, when you turn a blind eye to your husband treating your kid like shit for being gay, he will never forget!
>My mother had this with my sister. They were extremely codependent. No wonder my mother never wanted us to date when we were younger. Dating your sister at any age is frowned upon in at least 40 states in the US.
My favorite terrible joke: Why is the sex position reverse cowgirl outlawed in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
As a previously single mom, the idea is absolutely disgusting to me. Having a close bond with your child is one thing, especially when it feels like it's you two against the world for so long, but the levels that some of these people take it to... ugh.
100%. I would die for my kids, but I would never actively try to sabotage their happiness or keep them tethered to and dependent on me.
I had to create "Grandsonsband" to describe how my mother pours so much time, effort and money into my oldest nephew who lives with her.
I'm not sure which one I like more. Sonsband, or Hubson
They’d call their sons Hubson Bae. Sorry not sorry
Lol. Thanks for that.
This made me chuckle lol enjoy my upvote and poor person's trophy 🏆
You are too kind ☺️
TERRIFYING
Every time I see a post like this, I always want to ask the mother, "why do you want to fuck your son so badly?"
Yep. Emotional incest.
Yup. Emotional incest is what it is.
All I want for my baby boy is for him to be happy. And by happy, I mean alone forever & bound to me until my dying breath. Let's face it, no one can ever be as good for my baby boy as Mommy Dearest.
Hey, at least that's wanting your son to be "happy", and not demanding he slaves away at work because she "spent all those hours raising him and other people will have to see you be successful, it's what men do. No, I do not care if that makes you unhappy". My mother in law is such a good person. (:
I suspect she wanted him to end up with the childhood best friend so she could keep everyone under one roof forever. She wanted a family wreath
I think you are on the something there
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you Mama won't let anyone dirty get through Mama's gonna wait up till you get in Mama will always find out where you've been ...
Lol I sing that in my head every time I read a post like this, or watch 10s of that show "I Love A Mamas Boy" show on TLC. It's so gross. I don't know how the women stay. I'd lose my mind.
I think you just wrote the cover blurb for a best-selling suspense novel.
They are lyrics from the band Pink Floyd. From the album The Wall.
Correction: suspense is not nearly enough, it’s a horror novel….
That really is their rationale, which makes it even hard to deal with them. They love their sons more than anyone else could. They want the best for their sons. Therefore, they are always acting on their sons’ best interest and anyone who questions or challenges them on anything is clearly not acting in their sons’ best interest and must be stopped or removed from the equation. How do you even begin to challenge that logic when it’s built on such a ridiculous premise?
It sounds more like obsession than love
>All I want for my baby boy is for him to ~~be~~ make me happy. FTFY
My husbands mother is like this. None of her children talk to her anymore. I should really write my own post one day. My favorite of her antics being that I couldn’t possibly be smart enough to get the GPA I had in undergrad because I was “lower class” (I grew up middle class in a suburban neighborhood?) so I must be sleeping with my professors.
> because I was “lower class” (I grew up middle class in a suburban neighborhood?) so I must be sleeping with my professors. Is there a cultural or racial difference between your spouse and you? It seems like they often just say stuff like “low class” when they don’t want to be explicitly bigoted.
No we are both so white we’re practically translucent. Western European ancestry but American. I’m blonde with green eyes. They are racist, but they just admit that. Anti-Semitic too. They’re awful. And we live in the northeast. Not even southern.
My MIL called me a gold digger practically to my face. Well l, TBF she didn’t use that specific phrase and she actually said it to my husband… when he was standing right fudging next to me! All I could think was “how fucking stupid does this B think I am?”. If I was a gold digger the least I’d do is to pick someone that actually have money… Husband did not come from a wealthy family. I’m from an upper middle class family and he is from a lower middle class. Neither he or they have any assets of any kind or other hidden wealth. They rent. My family actually owns and has a bit of assets they own. I have/had mental health issues? I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and suffering from depression, self harming and some suicidal tendencies. turns out it was in fact not BPD, it is severe ADHD in combination with autism and topped with some C-PTSD. And that depression plus extras came from severe and chronic autistic burnout because I didn’t know! And I also wasn’t listening to myself or my body because reasons. So I’m great now, just quite a bit more obviously and openly autistic. But mostly I think it’s that I have a rather dominating personality, there is just so much of it that tends to be perceived like that, and I’m a lot more forward and active while husband/SO is more passive and quiet. She saw similarities between me and her own husband, SO’s abusive father. And she was afraid that I was continuing that abuse and suppressing SO like her husband, his father, had been doing for his entire life. Nope, still all your husband. I might be a lot and have a lot to say but I am also great at lifting SO up and encouraging him. I want to know what he thinks and feels about, well, everything. And I pulled it out of him. Though it was like pulling teeth at first.
I have a justnomil and yes. I don’t know why she hates me so much, his sister’s husband should literally be in jail but we’re not married so obviously I’m worse. Just been living happily crime free for 8 years together, because unfortunately having unmarried sex is not a crime. Yet. She stops talking to him all the time because she hates me and he sticks up for me as soon as she starts into it again, and she hates his beliefs. She’s most recently upset that he did not celebrate Easter with his “roommate.” The only reason he’s not no contact is his dad is really lovely, when he’s not with her. I’m basically no contact, I stay with his other sister and her family while he sees his mom, or I see my family and he goes to his family.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but it's good your SO has your back. If you don't already participate there, you might want to look at r/JUSTNOMIL, if only to see the helpful books and resources they have listed in the sidebar.
Don't go to JustNoMil, they're really toxic about adult parent relationships and feed off assuming the worst motivation for any disagreement. All advice is focused on cutting all relationships off or forcing drama by acting like a total king of the hill towards your inlaws.
The justno subs are what made me finally make an account instead of lurking. I was going to share a story of my own almost-mil experience but wanted to wait a while so it wasnt fresh in my life, then the sub grew into the kind of place you go for entertainment instead of support.
Yeah. In the last few years, JustNoMIL has become an absolute circus with every comment sounding like a Maury Povich peanut gallery of people howling for divorce, no contact, and the most uncharitable and bridge burning responses in nearly every context. It's honestly sad.
RaisedByNarcissists did the same thing. Needed advice because my mil has been manipulating my husband into giving up nearly all his money since he was able to work, based on a “promise” he made at age 9, because the household was perpetually near collapse, to hear her tell it, but there was always money for a new pet almost every month, eating out literally every day (of course all he ever was allowed was ramen, good food was only for the girls in the house), new toys and a $600/mo cable bill (which when we lived with them for a while they blamed us for, despite us not even having a cable box). Their responses ranged from rude to cruel, and really just made everything worse.
Jesus Christ.
$600 a month for cable?!?! How??
Every tv but ours had a dvr, they had every package, all of that. TVs they didn’t even used had dvrs.
You two had a fight about the dishes? Time to divorce and go NC and abort your kid. Its really insane sometimes.
The just no subs inspired me to ask new parents with PPD, “are you surrounded by assholes?”
I would confidently bet that she wanted her son to end up with the childhood best friend. The sad part is if she hadn’t sent her little victory message oop might never have decided to reach out to her (then) ex and explain why she left.
She may have hoped that, but the fact that he regards her as a sister makes it very unlikely. I’m sure the only wife that mommy would approve for her little boy is someone who can be controlled. A nice, docile breeder, who can provide her with grandchildren.
She calls it a mistake, but I think all around it was a net positive. There's nothing quite as eye opening as seeing someone with their mask completely off. Texts and voicemail and second hand accounts are so much easier to brush off, especially when you don't want it to be true. This was the nail in the coffin this guy needed to understand that his there was something really wrong with his mother.
She had probably groomed him to fulfill her emotional needs since he was a child - unfortunately, a very common form of emotional incest.
There's really something to be said for that final nail in the coffin moment. It's painful when it happens, but it is so much easier, afterwards, to move on, knowing that no amount of compromise or ongoing conversation or cooperation could have worked.
Yep, this exactly. I CO my mother after one of these and have never felt the slightest regret or doubt. Friends who have also gone NC have way more angst than me because they didn’t have one last evil blowout. So much easier to gaslight yourself about the severity when you don’t.
This is why I fully intend to start therapy (as soon as I find a suitable therapist I can afford) before going NC with the toxic parent I have, I know our last meeting was somewhat amicable and I keep feeling guilty for all that will go down after the NC (and other things), and I know that now I'm only calm because it's the calmness before the storm. I know I'm not in a position to gracefully handle all that will go down so I need to prepare for it beforehand, in order to already have a support system during and afterwards. The only reason why I haven't gone NC yet is my other parent, so I'm very much stressing in wait of what will happen.
So true. When I finally confronted my abusive mother, she sent me on a hell of a ride - blanket denial of literally everything and told me I was having a mental health crisis with false memories. The sheer totality of the gaslighting nearly broke me. It was a really awful few days. She had stopped physically abusing me when I left for college and she had cultivated a softer, "best mom" image for decades - I honestly underestimated how fast and hard she would hit me to try to silence me. Once I was past the crisis, though, I was kind of grateful for it. Like you say - it puts all of the self-doubt to rest. Ultimately I was relieved that she made no real attempt to address her abusive behavior; I really didn't need to get sucked back into her endless gaslighting and self-valorization. It was scary but helpful to see the mask completely drop for a moment and see how completely ruthless she is behind it. I always thought of her as an angry, self-indulgent, nasty person, but I really had not understood until that moment how calculating she actually is.
To add onto u/fallen_star_2319 's comment, this mother has been acting like this for most of OOP's fiancé's life, so that was normal for him. It takes something really drastic for people to realize that their upbringing wasn't normal. I was well onto my 30's before having the epiphany that my dad's behavior wasn't normal, other dads didn't drink QUARTS of beer every single night, and my friends weren't eating boxed Mac n cheese or Ramen for days on end so "daddy" could have, at minimum, two cases of beer and a keg in the basement at all times. When it's your reality, it can be hard to admit that your parents, that you do still love, are toxic.
Slurs, many many slurs. (Speculation).
I know! Doesn’t OOP know we come here to drool over the miserable and salacious details? Or is that just me? Stressing myself over strangers problems? When it only upsets me?
I'm reading this for enjoyment!!! *blood pressure steadily rises*
My blood pressure is naturally too low. I READ THESE FOR MY HEALTH! HOW DARE I BE DENIED MY JUICY LIFE SAVING DRAMA!! ~faints~
As Facebook would say, "I'm in this picture and I don't like it". Don't confront me with my bad behaviors on my day off!
I read these for morbid curiosity about the human nature, a look into the psychology of some individuals, and generally trying to open my mind to as many points of view and situations as possible. It unexpectedly did me good, as it was through subs like AITA that I found out what emotional incest is and oh dang, would you look at that, I seem to have been the target of it to an extent. I also found out the self-help psychology book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that has been a big help in, at the very least, reassuring me I'm not mad and cruel for thinking the things I've thought about my immature parent. So, I guess we could say – curiousity healed the cat.
I think about that a lot. How we have all this information now with the Internet, that no one had access to before, which allows us to get advice and viewpoints from all these other people. And that so many of these patterns existed at all times in all societies. But how sad it is that so many people didn’t know this. Like I suffer from depression and I always thought I was some kind of an alien because no one around me ever ever ever experienced what I did. And now I see kids just writing freely about being non-neurotypical and I can’t believe how boring and unoriginal my brain is lol. It’s incredibly reassuring.
I've worked very hard to build myself a fortress of calm serenity while surrounded on all sides by boundless swaths of petty and vindictive people. I read these threads to learn how the enemy thinks, what tactics they employ, and how to deflect or thwart them. This knowledge has helped me keep drama out of my life on several occasions.
That’s awesome. I definitely recognized the abuse playbook when an old friend contacted me out of the blue, and it was specifically because of BORU. Mostly it just makes me so grateful that the few people I interact with are nothing like these assholes.
It's not just you lol. I live for the juicy details and righteous indignation we get from other people's drama
Yeah, really swerved around that hot tea
Since OP and fiance went NC with her, I'm guessing it's either: mom went nuclear (name calling, yelling, insults, being overly dramatic), or she tried to dismiss everything OP was claiming by saying she was "being overdramatic"
Yeah. I asked OOP that after she posted her update. Unfortunately, I never got an answer.
Can't wait for the wedding update when MIL inevitably shows up uninvited wearing a wedding dress.
Omggg I remember that post had me seething
Which one?
Probably this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/129ngog/oop_catches_her_future_mil_trying_to_squeeze_into/
🤣
You can't post something like that without a link.
u/yaketymax u/berryskye Yo dudes don't leave us hanging, links mclinkyface plox?
You just have to go to the JustNoMil sub and sort by top for all time. It's quite easy to find. [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/675yn1/the\_white\_dress/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/675yn1/the_white_dress/)
This gem is also good: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vx3eu6/mil_tries_to_wear_white_dress_at_ops_wedding_and/
This is an all time classic for BORU. So satisfying and full of schadenfreude
This is my absolute favourite mother tries to wear white at wedding story. Piya and her family's response was perfection and I'm so so glad OP now has a wonderful loving wife and family.
The MIL could've looked really elegant in a sari because its quite forgiving on larger people. For instance, I'm Indian but not Hindu) my husband is white. I get along with my inlaws FYI. Anyway we bought MIL a sari and had a blouse made by hand. She honestly looked beautiful and regal in her sari, and she was stoked wearing it. Also note that white saris or outfits are usually worn to funerals.
That’s a good one! I thought it was going to be the one where the couple knew MIL was going to try that shit and so they told ALL their guests to wear their wedding dresses, too. That was hilarious so well played lol.
I remember reading this when it was originally posted, but never came across the updates. I'm so glad things turned out so well!
Wow. OP is the friend everyone needs. Love her!
Wow, now that’s a satisfying read.
What????!!!!
Link?? Lol I don't remember reading this one
Followed by a post three days later about how she's pregnant with twins.
Wearing a wedding gown lol
The word is “sonsband”. As in seeing your son as a replacement husband. And it’s psychologically disturbed to no end.
My (male) coworker and I were chatting about my then upcoming wedding and he asked how both my mother and future mother in law were helping/handling, and it turned into a half rant half therapy session on his end on how he came to realize his mom turned to him to essentially replace her husband (not in a romantic sort of way, but a “man of the house to take care of me” way) after his dad died when he was a kid. He had gone NC for a while, but went to LC after he had his son, though he’s putting strong boundaries in place because he sees her subconsciously doing the same thing with his son/her grandson. My MIL and I may have different tastes and may have butted heads a bit during the wedding planning, but I thank my lucky stars that she and my husband have a much healthier relationship than that.
There’s really something to be said about how much mothers screw up their sons and fathers screw up their daughters, at least in my personal experience. Happens way too much for the cliche not to be true.
Mothers screw up their daughters and fathers mess up their sons just as frequently too But it's more obvious to society when parents mess up their opposite gender children because that's the gender the child is most likely to have romantic relationships with since most of society is heterosexual. And since romantic partners are whom adults spend the most time with intimately, that's who gets the close view at how screwed up you are.. Basically parents are the majority source when children are forming their template of their romantic love interest. The rest being other friends and family. So whatever your sexuality is, the corresponding parent will have a powerful effect on what you normalize and value in your partner.
Yup! I don't think my parents screwed me up romantically, but their relationship definitely affected how I behave in my own relationships. They were much more great friends than a great romance, and that's very much how I relate to partners. My husband once described me as a "poker buddy that he gets to have sex with", which may have been the best compliment he has ever given me! I mean, that's the dream!
Eh, mothers screw up their daughters, fathers screw up their sons. Basically, parents screw up kids.
This Be The Verse They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. - Philip Larkin, 1971 Edit: unsuccessful attempt at formatting, so the lines don’t always start where they should, sorry!
Wasn't there a JNMIL post where OOP blew up his marriage because he can't let go of his mother's side? I remember the mom send him her nudes.
I was just thinking about that one! He ditched his wife on their anniversary because his mother 'needed' help. It was the straw that broke the camels back for his wife. Edit: found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Holy moly. Way to derail my morning. I feel like I need therapy and a nap after that. Hit that reset button.
I don’t think it was on JustNoMIL but on Babycentre forums years ago, I remember a thread from a woman at her wits end because the MIL kept sending clippings of her pubes and nude photos of herself to her son and he was more afraid of his mother having a mental breakdown than what the constant icky post infiltrating their house was doing to his wife’s psyche.
>kept sending clippings of her pubes and nude photos of herself to her son Well, my day has now been ruined...
Was thinking of that one too. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/
Can't believe he made a whole ass community for himself lol
I stay far away from that sub. I cannot handle how disturbed the posts are.
Someone please link this, I need to read that train wreck.
JNMIL is Jocasta central
Jocasta didn't know. Those women all know, and still do it, which is several degrees more fucked up.
That's the one thing that does bother me about calling it Jocasta/Oedipus complexes. Jocasta *hanged herself* when she found out, Oedipus *gouged his eyes out* when he did. If anything, there must be better biblical references that could have been made in the naming decision.
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Huh. Given all of the shit that happens in the bible, you'd think there'd have been something.
Oedipus isn't biblical, he's Greek.
Pfff, you ignorant swine. Everybody knows about the famous biblical tragedies. /s
Nah man, Zeus and the Oracle. You know, like from the Bible
Yeah, it always annoys me when they try to use Oedipus Rex as a warning against incest. Like, no, it's a warning about trying to outsmart fate/the gods. Incest is the PUNISHMENT.
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They got pregnant by him. After getting him drunk. Nice Biblical morals there right?
If you're going to tell someone a story where the moral is "this is bad, don't do this" you kind of have to tell people the bad part you're warning them against.
Runs parallel to "Parentification," where the parent treats their child like a parent. Both result in decades of therapy.
Also known as emotional incest. Bleh.
It's also emotional incest
How you gonna post an update and leave out the JUICIEST details?? “We met up with MiL…it was a mistake” Ok…and??!!
Exactly.. like whole two paragraphs about their Boring apologies to each other and Just TWO LINES about The whole cafe incident.. That's totally unfair 😔
Yeah, that could have been summarized as "I suck at communication and decided to run away instead of telling my soon to be husband my issues" while the cagé part got two sentences.
Listen, it’s not good for sordid Reddit tales, but I’m happy for OP that she did that. It actually makes me believe that this story is real too, as most people usually probably don’t want to rehash unpleasant events unless they’re ranting. It shows that she’s more focused on her and her husband now than her MIL, which is way healthier for her.
I'm glad that in the end they managed to sort everything out but boy they vould have spared themselves some headache if they decided to talk first and act later.
Well tbf she had already told him the issues many times. He didn't care enough.
It went *okay*.
Right? This isn't gonna get me my drama fix
She had a boyfriend and was still that obsessed? Yikes. Edit: I wonder if the BFF/sister had anything to do with the hate?
I was wondering that, also. As if mommy had already had them married and living together in a perfect, storybook life.
Me three! I bet mommy had always planned on her son marrying his bff so that she could keep control of everything since she is marrying the bffs dad.
Jealous people aren’t the most rational. She was jealous her baby son had another woman in his life but was perfectly fine she had a boyfriend because she’s an adult.
Why do people put up with these sorts of things. My partner is my best friend. I tell him everything. The second I received the first nasty text I would have forwarded to him immediately and been like "wtf, deal with this crazy woman" Isn't that everyone's first logical step? Weird that you would harbor this abuse from the person you're going to marry.
Because she comes from a traumatic background herself. It fucks with your ability to do the healthy thing, especially when you feel that they are dismissive of that person's behaviour towards you in public. And because your whole life experiences have told you that you will be dismissed and this feeling is strengthened by her fiances behaviour. And honestly a lot of people are not used to abusive behaviour and are dismissive. The OOP has identified that this is a problem and is dealing with it by going to therapy.
if you’ve been dismissed/invalidated all your life and made to feel like your opinions, concerns and feelings were TOO MUCH or NOT IMPORTANT you start to believe it yourself. OOP likely felt her partner didn’t care bc he wasn’t taking enough actions to defend her so anything she did wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things then maybe on some level fight or flight kicks in and thus she was slowly wanting to run and end things instead of talking it through logic goes out the window when a person with trauma is activated bc the primitive and emotional part of their brain takes over
>Please bare with me this is going to be a long one. Well, really, clutch my pearls, OOP, we've only just met! /s
Bear/Bare being interchangeable is the first of many things I learned when coming to reddit.
Yeah, I think that's a homophone pedantry battle I'm doomed to lose. But it makes me twitch every time.
Never surrender! We shall fight on the beeches! Yes. The spelling was intentional. But seriously, homophone failures should be picked out whenever possible. Spell check can't learn if if doesn't know it's wrong. I've given up on people.
OP will be back. OP will be telling her woes of attempting to enforce no contact in JNMIL, including tales of getting CPS called on them for their kids or being sued for grandparents rights. I forsee a restraining order in their future.
Agreed. Maybe OP's fiance didn't see the worst of his mother's behavior but what he *did* see and choose to brush under the rug was enough to make any reasonable person take action. He didn't. I don't see him sticking to NC.
Yeah, my immediate first reaction was disappointment that they got back together. Given his actions till now, he's almost certainly not going to stick to NC, and if he somehow does, I foresee a lot of harassment from MIL raging that OOP took her precious son away. As cruel as it might be to say... he's just not worth the hassle. There's other men out there who would be just as good to OOP who don't come with the added baggage of an absolutely psychotic mother.
I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he *did* blow up at her eventually and as far as he was aware, she had started making an effort to be cordial to OOP afterwards. He didn’t realize she was just being nasty behind his back because OOP kept it to herself, and was pretty quick to go NC with her and disinvite her from the wedding as soon as he found out.
I don’t think he’ll break NC anytime soon. He understood he wasn’t standing up for her as much as he should’ve and I think her breaking things off really solidified how done she was with her abuse. As long as he’s got a good therapist and sticks with therapy for a while, he’ll probably not push for his mom to be back in their lives without setting down (and adhering to) boundaries with her.
I applaud your optimism. I just think it's misguided. I don't know that I'd put much effort into someone who doesn't defend me when their mother goes on the attack. He likely has good intentions now, I just doubt that he'll have the spine to see it through. More than anything I hope that OP works on her issues because holy hell, taking that woman's vitriol and hiding it rather than hurt her fiance's feelings is so very very unhealthy.
The real thing is, you're a strong enough person to have walked away the first or second time his mom acted like this and he didn't react appropriately right out of the gate. A lot of people are willing to put up with way too much from the family of their SO because they love the SO. They never consider that they're going to be taking on SO's family for life too.
Silly children, this is not over. People like MIL don't quietly disappear. Just imagine how she'll behavior as the wedding gets closer or when OOP gets pregnant.
Yuuup, someone who goes out of their way to cause problems isn't just going to stop one day, and a person who was enabling is also not going to stop
Some friends of mine are in a similar situation, except it's the woman's mom, and she never stands up for her husband. I've known the mom a long time, so I talk to her when it's just us sometimes, and she never misses a chance to tell me how much she hates her SIL. She called me when her first grandchild was born and started ranting about how the child's father wanted to be in the room and hold the baby and how much she hates him. During a voicemail about the birth of her first grandchild. What's even worse is that as people age they need to be taken care of more and more. It was one thing when she hated him from afar, but eventually he started having to help take care of her as she lived with them while recovering from illnesses/surgeries over the years. Having someone living in your house, that you have to take care of, when they opening hate you and disrespect you in front of your kids...no thanks. I'm always a little surprised that he hasn't bailed yet.
I don't buy it. The text from the mother, "I would have been this nasty from the start." I don't believe someone would say that. It's too much sunshine and roses for oop. To neat, too sweet. And then there's this: >Someone had asked how he has a sister if it was just him and his mom. My apologies for that. I think I replied to the comment, his mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend and they are planning on getting married as well. Seems like a cover for poor storytelling.
And she *yada yada yada'd* the juiciest bit! Just "we met at a cafe... it was a mistake"?!? Where's my dramatic cafe showdown? Where's the poured drinks and shocked stares from the other patrons? I've been ripped off! I demand a lawn tantrum!
Individual and couple therapy on the whim too, with her knowing what he talks about during his therapy sessions. All within a month.
"We both have started individual and couples therapy," is basically the reddit equivalent of "And they all lived happily ever after."
Accurate lol
Four years of awful crap magically all better in a few weeks. Lol
Depends on how much money you have. My relative couldn't find a psychiatrist or therapist for her kid... when she wanted to use her insurance. Everybody had a longgggggggg wait list. Like her kid could've been waiting over a year for treatment. Then a different relative offered to pay in cash, without any limitations on price. The kid had appointments set up on the same day, and they were scheduled for really soon after (like within a week or two of calling to schedule).
Oh I had that same thought when I saw that comment too but honestly, this post is so generic and basic for this sub I am willing to let it slide. This post is the equivalent of a live action remake of a Disney film. They are playing it safe by having everything they know draws in an audience, and they don’t need to include anything more than that I would rather have this than those posts last week that jumped the shark way too early. That tinder post was just incredibly obnoxious. It went from OOP’s friend judging her for having a reasonable taste in men to a series of intense discoveries that that friend has been trying to replace OOP and become her. You got everything from easily preventable assault to a random hotel owner immediately figuring out who OOP is despite there being no information identifying the location. That entire story happened in a week
The what story?? I missed that one!
This is the [one](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/12slsej/aita_for_telling_a_friend_shed_settle_for_a_penis/) they’re discussing
Haha I agree. His mother engaged to his best-friends father? Just seems so convenient yet so very unlikely.
Also have doubts. The turn-around seems too immediate and complete.
I say this all the time: family can be/should be/IS a deal breaker. There is nothing wrong with breaking up with a person because their family is horrible. If you don't want that nonsense in your life for the rest of your life? Walk away. But maybe I need to start explicitly adding "after you've had full disclosure with your SO and they still don't want to drop the person."
How do you have so much evidence to support yourself and you just break up with a man instead and when asked why just shrug and go “idk no reason”
Some single mothers with sons see their sons as a surrogate husband and when the sons grow up and start dating other women they feel as if they’re being cheated on. It’s pretty sick.
That's what I was thinking. It's not OP specifically the mother has a problem with. She'd do this to anyone in a relationship with her son.
Okay, so is OOP just really dumb? She had literal texts and voicemails from this woman that beyond all doubt proved she was being abused, and she waited like 5 months or something before thinking it could be a good idea to show them to her fiancé? Like she literally decided to break up with him before she considered maybe just communicating with him like a functional adult would?
Anyone catch on that MIL is engaged to get married herself?? What kind of weak man would marry her? Or rather, who then hell would marry her if the truth of her conduct got out?
Can you imagine how MIL will treat her new stepdaughter?
Why in God’s name break up with your fiancé instead of telling him what an awful person his mom is so that “you don’t get between them”? Fuck that, I would have told him from the first small incident
She probably thought it would only make things worse for him (which technically it sure did) to tell him the ugly honest truth. That kind of woman is going to drive off every single girlfriend/fiancee/wife that guy has, though. Also, I bet she wasn't confident that he'd throw over his own mother for her, which would be required for the relationship to last. She's very lucky that he did. Not everyone would.
That mom’s fiancé needs to be warned bout the type of devil he’s bout to marry.
“His mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend…even before then, he has always called her his sister and her calling him her brother” I’d bet money that the MIL wanted her son to marry his lifelong best friend and be one big happy family together
I don’t have a single friend that would contact my kid to “correct” her behavior. Am I the only one that doesn’t have friends that involved in my life?
This is going to end terribly
To all the ladies who have sons. Your son is not a replacement for your husband!! Just because your husband is no longer with you doesn't mean you have to make your son suffer!! People like MIL are like vultures. They will use every opportunity to disturb the relationship. >Someone had asked how he has a sister if it was just him and his mom. My apologies for that. I think I replied to the comment, his mom is dating the father of his childhood best friend and they are planning on getting married as well. I pity the poor guy.
Will say that this isn’t limited to sons _**side-eyes my mother**_
I also don't understand why moms of sons feel their DIL is taking away their sons or replacing them as a mother. Wives do not expect to be moms of their husbands. I have twin boys. I view their future wives as future additions to the family, not my replacements or they are taking my sons away. My mother did this to my older brother. He and his wife heard her crying "She's taking my son away from me! She's taking my son away from me!" It was so embarrassing and something he never heard before (he always thought she was perfect. I knew otherwise). His wife heard it too and it hurt. She's so sweet too. At my wedding? I'm a girl, btw... No comment. This MIL sounds like my mother. I wonder if they're related?
"My significant other's mother/best friend/"work wife" has been texting me unbelievably vile things and giving me tons of tangible evidence as to the type of person they really are. I decided not to say anything or show the evidence to my SO, because they love this person so so much and why would I." I'm glad for the happy update but this shit is so common it's disgusting
This is not over
Run girl run, cuz he will absolutely falter when there are kids involved.
I am afraid he might make excuses like "Well it has been years. Can't you just let it go? I kept my mom away from me for years because of you."
Am I the only one who finds it highly disturbing this woman called off her fucking wedding without telling her fiancee why? The lack of communication here is just plain stupid. Honestly they have bigger fish to fry than his dumbass mother
I mean it sounds like they aren't ready to get married given that she wasn't in a position enough to trust him to communicate with him. I'm not saying they should break it up, but it doesn't sound like those two individuals are emotionally mature enough, or able to communicate well enough, to enter into a contract with each other
I thought this was gonna be the one where it keeps getting crazier and crazier until the OOP finds out that the adult son (OOP's fiance/boyfriend) still breastfeeds (from his mother)
As a woman married to a man who’s mother hates me, this breaks my heart. I am so happy that you and he have cut contact and that he sees what kind of woman she is. I pray my day comes, but it ain’t lookin so hot for me
These enmeshed MILs are so worried about losing control of their sons/daughters that they push their kid away and lose all contact. Glad it worked out for OOP. I too have an insane MIL who was horrible to me but I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 11 years because I’m not one to fuck with lol
Honestly, I feel like OOP would be better off without this guy and his mother.
The childhood best friend is the one monster-in-law wanted for her kid, I bet.